Latest / The Virtual Couch / Why We Care What Other People Think: Unraveling Our Need for Approval and Validation

Transcript

Why We Care What Other People Think: Unraveling Our Need for Approval and Validation · The Virtual Couch

0:00
So not too long ago, I received an email, it was a question and it didn't seem
0:04
like a very difficult one on the surface, but I have sat on this question for
0:09
months and I've had, have many Google documents up, , this Google document
0:13
has been up for so long because I.
0:15
Keep adding to the concepts.
0:17
Let me just get to the question . Why do we care so much about what others think?
0:21
And isn't it good to care at least a little bit.
0:24
We're going to talk about that and go into so many different concepts
0:28
and thoughts and beliefs around why we do care about what others think.
0:32
And is a little bit of it good for you.
0:34
Here's this little sneak preview.
0:35
It can be, and we're going to talk about that.
0:37
And so much more coming up on today's episode of the virtual couch.
0:46
Hey, everybody.
0:47
Welcome to episode 412 of the virtual couch.
0:50
I'm your host, Tony Overbay.
0:51
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and a
0:54
certified mindful habit coach.
0:55
, but first.
0:57
I just want to say as I've been journeying through the world of
0:59
therapy over the past 15 plus years, working now with, well over a
1:02
thousand couples, I've been fortunate enough to develop an road test.
1:06
Very cool tools that I know can help change marriages and
1:10
relationships for the better.
1:11
These aren't just any tools.
1:12
They are the result of seeing what real couples actually need.
1:16
And my, true.
1:17
Star pupil.
1:18
My Opus, my very own golden child of the therapeutic tools are my four
1:23
pillars of a connected conversation.
1:25
And I can.
1:26
Honestly say, you know, trust me.
1:28
These pillars are game-changers for communication.
1:31
But they are definitely not something that we are born knowing how to do they
1:36
aren't part of our factory settings.
1:37
They're definitely something that we don't know that we don't even know., . But the
1:41
good news is learning the four pillars and implementing the four pillars is a
1:45
skill and it can absolutely be learned.
1:48
. So it is February.
1:49
It's the month of love as they say.
1:51
With so much focus on couples and romance this month, I wanted to share the four
1:56
pillars in a new and dare I say fun way.
1:59
I developed a mini course, and then there's a game that goes along with it.
2:03
And I really think it's going to be the perfect Valentine's day activity.
2:06
And you don't have to find yourself standing awkwardly in front of the
2:09
greeting card section at your favorite fill in the blank, big box store.
2:13
You just got to do this instead.
2:15
Connected conversations are for all relationships at all stages.
2:18
Are you feeling like you already have a pretty strong connection?
2:21
I still think you will find this course and game fun and bonding.
2:24
And if you feel like you are more in the struggling camp, Then this course
2:29
and game will give you a chance to focus on the positive and practice your
2:33
communication skills at the same time.
2:35
So you can find out more today in my newsletter.
2:38
So please sign up for the newsletter.
2:40
At Tony overbay.com or in , the link tree in the show notes.
2:44
, or head over to any of my social media channels.
2:47
It's $20 and I really.
2:49
Think if you give it a shot, . You're going to learn something and I would
2:52
love to hear what you have to think.
2:53
. But let's get to the topic at hand because I hear people often say, I know
2:58
I shouldn't care what other people think.
3:00
And it's true.
3:01
And of course, I think I have to say at this point, I find myself
3:04
wanting to respond and at first say, well, don't shoot on yourself.
3:07
Nobody likes to be shut on.
3:08
But second, let me put your mind at ease and normalize the fact that I think
3:13
most everybody cares a little bit about what other people think until you don't.
3:17
And I will find myself also saying if you don't at all,
3:21
then you're most likely a robot.
3:23
Or maybe some type of sociopath.
3:26
Maybe a nice one.
3:27
But the challenge is when you find yourself caring too much
3:30
about what other people think.
3:31
And at that point, then I would like to say that you are burning
3:34
far too many emotional calories worrying about other people.
3:38
And worrying about, I don't want this person to feel a certain way.
3:41
I don't want this person to think a certain thing.
3:43
So , you're burning these calories instead of doing and being things
3:47
that are maybe more productive or more in alignment with your own values.
3:51
You're just worrying and worrying and ruminating and trying to manage a lot
3:56
of people's emotions and experiences that most likely aren't even aware
4:00
that that's what you're doing.
4:01
And you're looking at their experience and assuming that you know , what
4:04
they're going through or what their thoughts and feelings are.
4:07
, and it's also an emotional drain.
4:09
I think so often people that find themselves just worrying and ruminating
4:12
and ruminating and worrying also find themselves pretty emotionally exhausted.
4:15
And this is one of the concepts where, not that we're going to get into this
4:18
today, but, , talk about things like chronic fatigue and some of the, , they
4:22
call them somatoform disorders, but some of the things that you're not even quite
4:26
sure why you feel a certain way, maybe you have , some back issues or , some pain
4:30
or some nerve pain or some things that, that just are there sometimes, sometimes
4:33
they're not, that, maybe there's a little bit of your body saying, Hey, I don't
4:37
know how else to get your attention.
4:39
But it would be an ideal situation if you can just be and do and learn to
4:44
just, , be the best version of yourself and maybe spend those emotional calories
4:48
on finding out the things that you like and learning how to be more mindful
4:52
and present and, , learning how to set healthy boundaries and things like that.
4:56
But if you are, you know, this is your body still talking, but if you're
4:59
going to insist on worrying about everybody else's situation and trying
5:01
to manage everybody else's emotions, then that's gonna be pretty tiring.
5:05
And if we can't get your attention, we've tried some anxiety.
5:08
Maybe we've tried a little bit of a little bit of depression.
5:10
So let's try some a little bit of fatigue and maybe move on to some some
5:15
chronic pain or those sort of things.
5:16
Again, that is all my unscientific thoughts and feelings.
5:19
But that body really does And it's trying to get your attention because the brains
5:24
that don't get killed device and it wants to do it wants to live a great life.
5:27
It really does.
5:28
? But we're burning far too many emotional calories worrying about what other people
5:32
think when you could be using them as more of a pop quiz about yourself, where in
5:38
every situation as you interact with other people, then it brings up emotions in you.
5:42
And instead of feeling like, man, I want to get rid of those emotions, or
5:45
I feel like this is where I need to then manage somebody else's emotions.
5:49
I get to step back and notice, you know, I'm noticing that I care that a
5:54
person that baggage claim felt like it was okay for them to step right into
5:57
my personal space to grab their bag.
5:59
So check that out.
6:00
That is a reaction.
6:01
Now, why do I suddenly want justice instead of me wanting to say, you
6:05
need to get out of the way and you need to respect other people's space?
6:08
That's me wanting to get rid of my discomfort, maybe manage that person's
6:12
life, how they're interacting.
6:14
But why do I suddenly want this justice?
6:16
And I want that person to respect my personal space.
6:19
Because they don't know me, and they don't know my rules, my wants, my desires.
6:23
They may have, may have flown in and into town to try to be with a
6:26
loved one who, honest to goodness, might be on their very last breath.
6:29
They may have grown up with a dozen siblings, and if you didn't crowd and push
6:32
your way to get somewhere, you starved.
6:35
So that interaction allowed me to be grateful that I could
6:37
recognize my emotional response.
6:39
Thank you.
6:40
Thank you, body.
6:41
And mine for bringing this to my attention so I can truly be in this moment.
6:45
Now, I wish that guy well.
6:47
Whatever he or she is up to, I will continue to wait for my bags.
6:51
Because all of a sudden, every person, every conversation, every sight,
6:54
every smell becomes an opportunity for me to learn about myself.
6:58
And then the more I think about it, not many people are truly curious about me.
7:02
Or if they are Then I, it does make me feel pressure to say the quote,
7:07
right thing, whatever that might be.
7:09
So the more time I can spend in this kind of mindset, the
7:11
more I can learn about myself.
7:13
And and I can actually learn about myself from the foremost authority on myself.
7:18
Which is me.
7:19
So I put together a list of different reasons or things of why we do care
7:24
so much about what other people think.
7:26
So I just gave you this example of a perfect world scenario where
7:30
we can start to, every opportunity brings up our emotions and thoughts.
7:34
And then it can be an opportunity for us to reflect, self reflect.
7:37
We'll get to that toward the end of today's episode.
7:38
But I think.
7:40
One of the ones I won't go into a lot of detail because it's, I think that
7:43
this is one that will just resonate or make sense is that when you care too
7:47
much about what other people think, you really are handing over your power.
7:51
You're giving your power over to somebody else.
7:54
So this even goes to the simplest concepts around, Hey, what do you think?
7:58
Do you think that I should.
8:00
This is a very real example where I was speaking with someone close to me
8:03
recently and they were talking about do you think I should go to this foreign
8:06
country and get hair transplants?
8:08
They're talking about themselves.
8:09
And they're asking a bunch of people in the room that was a bald guy and then
8:14
a lot of women who have a lot of hair.
8:17
And I just I thought it was being hilarious.
8:18
And I said to the person how much time have you spent researching this country
8:22
and what they do with hair transplants?
8:24
And he said, a lot.
8:25
And I said, do you already have some places picked out?
8:28
Yes.
8:28
Do you already know the cost?
8:29
Yes.
8:30
Have you even looked into where you would stay?
8:32
Yeah.
8:32
So then it was more of a, so why are you?
8:35
And you're asking us, because I clearly, my ship has sailed with
8:39
these hair transplants long ago, and here's a room full of women
8:42
with beautiful, gorgeous hair.
8:44
We were actually in a hair salon at that time.
8:46
And you're asking them to weigh in on what, what you should do where
8:50
they have given this no thought.
8:52
They don't have all the information that you have.
8:54
And so are you really just wanting validation?
8:57
Or are you just wanting to express yourself and then they are going to
9:00
interact, but it really doesn't matter?
9:02
You've already made up your mind?
9:03
Because if so.
9:04
Then you can see, maybe you can see that I'm almost handing over some of that
9:08
control or power to somebody else, because if I'm saying what do you guys think?
9:13
And then I really feel like we're saying to somebody, Hey, what do
9:17
you think about this thing that I've been thinking about a lot?
9:19
And I know I just sprung it upon you and you have no idea where I'm coming
9:22
from and you more than likely don't You haven't given it much thought yourself,
9:26
but give me an impulsive decision and then I'm going to base my worth and
9:30
whether or not I think this is a good idea of the things that what it feels
9:34
like to be me on your immediate reaction.
9:36
Okay, go.
9:37
What do you think?
9:38
So sometimes I think it might be a better idea to say, instead of giving away
9:42
your power, so I'm going to accept the fact that, yeah, I'm curious what other
9:46
people think, but I'm going to share with them, hey, this is what I'm going to do.
9:49
What are your thoughts?
9:50
Almost in my mind saying they will hold little value to me on this
9:55
particular thing because I put a lot of research into it, but I am curious.
9:58
And maybe I just want to have a shared experience and even tell you
10:01
about what I've been doing as far as research and that sort of thing.
10:05
So that first thing is you give away your power.
10:07
And then also when you care, and I'm going to frame it this way, moving forward.
10:11
When you care too much about what other people think, then you give away your
10:13
power, but it's also beyond your control.
10:16
And we do know that worry is your mind trying to control things.
10:22
A lot of times worry is your, it's part of that concept that brings anxiety.
10:26
It's these, I'm worrying about all these different things that most likely won't
10:29
happen, but my brain thinks if I can go through all the scenarios, work out all
10:33
the details then I'll be happy, then I'll be calm, then I can move forward.
10:37
What we find is we can come up with an endless Parade of things that we don't
10:41
really know what we don't know about.
10:44
So worrying, is your mind trying to control things that
10:46
are outside of your control?
10:48
And when I was looking at some of this information, I did
10:51
find a real interesting thing.
10:53
You've got the dichotomy of control, which is the concept that there
10:56
are things within your control and things that you can't control.
11:00
There's also the trichotomy of control and its opinions of others.
11:04
So that falls really into both.
11:06
You can't control others, but you can attempt to influence.
11:10
But it still isn't in your control.
11:12
Another one of these concepts of when you care too much about
11:15
what other people think, then we enter this world of projection.
11:20
That it really is more about that person.
11:23
So when we're interacting with somebody and we care a lot about what they think,
11:26
I love this concept of projection.
11:28
And a lot of times people will say, Well, I think that my spouse is just projecting.
11:31
And I never want to sound like like some weenie, but sometimes I think that
11:35
we misunderstand what projection is.
11:38
Let me give an example.
11:39
Projection is a little bit like a psychological game of hot potato,
11:43
but with feelings and traits that we don't really like about ourselves.
11:48
So imagine there are things about yourself that you're really
11:51
not happy with or proud of.
11:53
And maybe you don't even realize the underlying traits that they exist in you
11:58
and that's what psychologists call the shadow and it's like the secret stash
12:02
of unwanted parts of ourselves that we shove into the back of our mental
12:06
closet where it's dark into the shadows.
12:08
We don't want to see them.
12:09
So we pretend that they're not there.
12:11
But here's where things get interesting and where projection comes into play.
12:14
Sometimes we end up seeing these traits that we may not even be aware of.
12:18
They're our shadow self and we see them in other people.
12:22
And so it really can be a form of when you don't like something
12:25
about yourself, you're more likely to notice it in somebody else.
12:30
And why?
12:30
Because it's really, it's much easier to spot and then dislike or not be a
12:35
fan of these traits in other people than to face them in ourselves.
12:39
This is kind of what projection is about.
12:42
Psychology Today had an article that explained it really well.
12:44
They said that projection lets us sort of deal with these iffy
12:47
traits but in a roundabout way.
12:48
That we don't have to admit that they're actually part of us.
12:51
Instead, we see them in others and we react to them there.
12:54
It's almost like saying I'm not the problem, you are.
12:56
At least I don't do that.
12:58
The old, at least I'm not, or at least I don't.
13:00
Carl Jung, who is one of the fathers of psychology said that this whole projection
13:07
thing can basically make the world look like a reflection of our own inner issues.
13:11
So it's as if everybody is wearing these glasses that slightly change how
13:15
they see everything, but it's all based on their own inner world and a lot of
13:18
that they're not even familiar with.
13:21
So when you hear somebody's opinion about you, then remember
13:24
that it's not just about you.
13:26
It's also a lot of times about them, their own experiences, their own insecurities,
13:30
their own hidden parts, their own shadow.
13:32
So understanding this can help you.
13:35
Often it can help you not take things as personally or you can
13:38
start to see people's opinions for what they really are.
13:40
They're a mix of their own stuff and your stuff.
13:43
It's like you're starting to get a little bit of insight into their secret mental
13:46
closet, which can be pretty eye opening.
13:49
, let me give you a real life example.
13:50
This is one that I can identify with a little bit.
13:52
Imagine you are in a relationship.
13:53
Oh, Now I'm saying, I'm acting like my wife is not on time.
13:56
So I'm just saying that I am a habitually early person.
14:00
So that's let me own that first.
14:02
But imagine you're in a relationship with somebody who has a habit of
14:04
being late and every time they show up late, it really bothers you.
14:08
Kind of gets under your skin and you, you feel disrespected.
14:11
You feel undervalued.
14:12
You feel like they, they don't think your time matters.
14:15
So on the surface, it really does seem pretty straightforward.
14:18
You think, man, it's about punctuality.
14:19
It's about respect.
14:20
But if we look at that a little deeper from the shadow self concept, then
14:24
let's say that in your own life you are absolutely punctual and you pride
14:28
yourself on always being on time because deep down you're actually afraid of being
14:32
seen as irresponsible or unreliable.
14:35
And that might be something that you saw growing up, you either saw maybe your
14:38
parents were very unreliable or they were irresponsible and they didn't show up
14:42
on time and you watched other people you saw your parents super late to pick you
14:46
up at school, or maybe you're left the church activities or that and you watch
14:51
the annoyance on other people's faces.
14:54
So I will make sure that that never happens.
14:56
That fear is part of your shadow self.
14:59
And it's a trait that maybe you don't want to acknowledge or face
15:01
directly in that scenario because you might feel like, well, I am, I am
15:05
my family and they are always late.
15:07
So I will make sure that I am overly punctual because I don't even want
15:11
to acknowledge that that's part of my genetic makeup, my, my DNA.
15:16
So you push that fear so far down that you're not even consciously aware of it.
15:19
But man, I will show up everywhere early.
15:22
Very early, but then now if you're, if your partner, your friend is late,
15:27
then it triggers that hidden fear.
15:28
So instead of recognizing this as your own issue with feeling unreliable, then you
15:33
project those feelings onto your partner.
15:35
You get angry at them for being late because unconsciously it's like
15:37
they're acting out a part of you that you don't want to admit exists.
15:41
And I hope that one resonates a little bit because when I have somebody coming in and
15:44
we're going to start dealing with shadow work, then you're going to say, okay,
15:47
what is it about that interaction that, that feels, what does it feel like to you?
15:53
Well, it might feel unfair.
15:54
And why is that?
15:55
Because it was unfair when I was a kid, my parents were always late and I'm
15:59
the one that had to deal with people that had to stick around and wait.
16:03
for my parents and I felt that person's frustration and anger and I would hear
16:07
them passive aggressively say that now they're going to be late going home
16:10
and they had stuff that they had to do.
16:11
And I used to try to manage their anxiety and say, you can
16:13
go ahead, but you're a kid.
16:16
So it's so much easier than to be frustrated with someone else than
16:19
to deal with your own deep seated fear of being seen as unreliable.
16:23
Even though you've, boy, you've taken care of that.
16:25
You're going to be incredibly early all the time.
16:28
But in that situation, the shadow self's influencing your reaction
16:31
to your partner's behavior.
16:33
You're not just upset about the lateness, you're upset because it's a mirror
16:36
reflecting a part of yourself that you are afraid of or uncomfortable with.
16:40
I really think understanding that dynamic projection shadow self can
16:44
really be helpful in relationships.
16:46
Because we find yourself overreacting or feeling these unusually strong emotions
16:50
about something your partner does.
16:52
It might be worth asking yourself, is this really about them?
16:55
Or is this touching on something in my own shadow self?
16:59
And by acknowledging, working through those hidden parts of ourselves, then we
17:03
can improve not just our relationships, but really our understanding of ourselves.
17:06
And I do feel like that can be a little bit of a stretch if you're
17:10
just hearing this for the first time of, well, okay, now I recognize I'm
17:13
afraid of it, but I'm really early.
17:15
, so how do you work on yourself when you hear something like this?
17:18
Cause again, that, that strong reaction, if we're just going to say, I'm going
17:21
to, I'm going to take a look at this and maybe do a little bit of shadow
17:24
work that if I'm going to say, does this stem from my own shadow self, then that,
17:29
first of all, that's a big first step.
17:31
Wasn't even aware of what this was now I'm aware.
17:33
So I'm bringing gentle awareness to this.
17:35
So here's our opportunity to do a little self reflection, a little bit of digging.
17:39
Identify first the trigger.
17:41
So recognize that different behaviors, different situations in a
17:45
relationship, they're going to trigger real strong emotional reactions,
17:48
like your partner being late.
17:50
So next, check in with yourself.
17:52
Ask yourself, all right, why this behavior?
17:54
Why does this thing trigger such a strong reaction?
17:57
What feelings does it evoke in me?
17:58
Do I feel disrespected?
18:00
Do I feel ignored?
18:00
Or is it something else?
18:02
And that's now where we can start to step into the, what, what
18:05
are these fears that I'm having?
18:07
Are they are they insecurities?
18:09
If you start to dig deeper, you can see that those feelings might be connected
18:11
to personal fears or insecurities.
18:14
So again, in this example, it might be being seen as unreliable.
18:18
So here's the key of acknowledging and accepting the shadow self, that we all
18:23
have these hidden aspects of ourselves.
18:25
It's okay to admit to yourself that these fears or insecurities are a part of you.
18:29
Because this is where our own body, our own brain goes all
18:32
or nothing, black or white.
18:33
Well that must mean that then I am this whole bad person because
18:38
I have these fears, I have these this potential, this shadow self.
18:42
But this recognition is so important for dealing with your shadow self
18:45
because it leads to acceptance.
18:46
Here's where we get to understand, Oh, everybody has a shadow self.
18:49
It's a normal part of being human and accepting these parts
18:51
doesn't mean you agree with them.
18:52
It means you acknowledge their existence because then on this path of personal
18:58
growth and change, now you can start to work on understanding why these
19:03
things are a part of my shadow self.
19:04
What past experiences or are these internal beliefs have contributed
19:07
to these fears or insecurities?
19:10
And once you can start to, to challenge that, and this is where I think it's
19:13
really helpful to work with a therapist who is familiar with this, that it can
19:17
lead to you recognizing that, Oh man, I'm operating a lot of, a lot of places
19:20
out of fear of my shadow being exposed.
19:24
But all that the shadow being exposed sometimes needs to look like is
19:28
recognizing to yourself that, Oh, I'm a, I'm an adult human being now.
19:33
And if I show up late.
19:35
I'm aware that I'm not trying to cause anyone harm that I might have
19:40
misinterpreted how far I was from somewhere I need to be or how long this
19:45
project would take, but I can start to live a little bit more instead of worrying
19:49
so much that I'm going to be late.
19:51
Then I can start to say, okay, I'm not going to have to just be there 20 or 30
19:53
minutes early and just sit there because I don't want to be viewed as unreliable
19:58
because then I might be able to take a little bit more control of my own
20:01
situation, my own life and say, I could do something for another 10 minutes actually.
20:06
And I can get there with five or 10 minutes to spare.
20:09
Now I have to accept the fact that there might be a chance that I get
20:13
the proverbial flat tire or I get lost or that sort of thing, but then
20:16
I'm going to accept and own that.
20:18
And then this does allow you to start to communicate these things with your
20:22
partner in the relationship, have a more open dialogue, communicate
20:24
with them about your discoveries.
20:26
It's a you thing.
20:27
And this is, again, why in the past we might worry so much about
20:30
what somebody else thinks, but we're starting to shift this, this
20:33
whole vibe to, hey, check this out.
20:35
When you do this thing, this is what it brings up in me.
20:38
Because then now we're doing this in a non confrontational way, we're saying how, how
20:41
I feel, and why, rather than blaming them.
20:44
When you are running late, this is what it brings up in me.
20:47
Check that out.
20:48
Now, you can then start to set healthy boundaries, because if
20:52
certain things trigger your shadow self, then you can now say, Hey, for
20:56
me, Again, boundary is a me thing.
20:59
Ultimatum is, so I need you to stop being late.
21:02
I'll let that person be defensive and if anything subconsciously
21:05
they're going to maybe show up a little bit later because they're,
21:07
nobody's going to tell me what to do.
21:09
But now with just genuine love and conviction, now a boundary is a,
21:13
so if you're running late, then I'm going to go ahead and leave.
21:17
I'm going to go ahead and take off a little early because I
21:19
do want to get there on time.
21:21
But it's done with love and acceptance.
21:23
We can drive two cars.
21:24
The yeah buts of yeah, but I would rather spend time with you
21:28
or I don't want to spend the gas.
21:29
Those are, I agree.
21:31
But I also need to be the best version of myself so I might hold that boundary
21:36
and so you might there be support groups Those kind of things help.
21:40
This is where I would throw in the plug for mindfulness
21:42
and self care and all of that
21:44
Okay for this next one of when you care too much about what other
21:48
people think this one we're going to get a little bit mind bendy.
21:52
We're going to put on our philosophical hats just for a little bit.
21:55
And after this, we're going to get back to some things that
21:57
maybe make a lot more sense.
21:59
But this one, I really enjoy this.
22:01
It's a little bit of a, of a circular argument that begins with the, again, when
22:07
you care too much about what other people think, it's important to recognize that
22:11
you are not the center of the universe this can feel heavy until it doesn't.
22:16
So we're going to, we're going to deep dive into this idea, okay, that
22:19
we're not the center of the universe.
22:20
And if you think about it, you know, we're all walking around, we're
22:25
seeing life through our own personal movie cameras, basically our eyes.
22:29
And it feels like we're the main character in this huge Epic story of
22:33
life because we are the main character.
22:35
But here's the twist.
22:37
What if we're not the main star of the show?
22:41
Because the universe is insanely huge and we are just one tiny part of it.
22:45
But we often feel like every single thing revolves around us.
22:48
But in reality, this is where, bear with me we are maybe a little tiny
22:53
speck in the grand scheme of things, of the vastness of the universe.
22:57
And this used to really feel hollow and empty to me.
23:00
But stay with me.
23:02
Because here's where it gets a little bit mind bendy.
23:04
There's a concept called solipsism, sounds very fancy, but it's this idea
23:08
that maybe, just maybe, the only thing that you can be sure of, or that you
23:13
can be sure is real, is your own mind.
23:16
Every single thing else, other people's thoughts and feelings could
23:21
be well, could just be make believe.
23:25
This would be the point of where you're the only player in a video game and
23:28
everybody else is just a character.
23:30
I have a couple of clients that talk about this concept often.
23:34
And so sometimes I will say so when they walk in the office
23:37
then I'll say, Okay either.
23:40
You did not exist until you just came around that corner and you
23:44
interacted with me or I have just been sitting here unanimated and I
23:47
don't exist until you walked in here.
23:49
So either way we are here and that's the philosophical piece of that
23:54
because the concept is then if.
23:56
If there's a chance that the only thing that we know for sure is that we exist
24:01
because we don't really understand or know how to get in somebody else's
24:05
head or in their mind, then their thoughts and their feelings and their
24:10
opinions aren't even necessarily real.
24:13
So some people like to use that as a way to think, why do I care so much?
24:17
About what somebody else thinks if in reality, the only reality
24:21
I know is mine, but here's now, well, let's start to circle back
24:24
around and come back down to earth.
24:27
But if we're being real, most of us agree that other people do exist and that
24:31
other people are in fact real because other people have their own stories
24:35
and problems and dreams just like us.
24:36
But here's the, here's the catch.
24:38
If everybody is as wrapped up in their own stuff as we are, they're probably
24:41
not spending every second judging us or thinking about what we're doing.
24:45
And we all worry so much about what others think, but in reality, they're
24:48
too busy worrying about their own image.
24:50
to really pay that much attention to us.
24:53
It just continues to help with this while it's normal to care a bit about how other
24:57
people see us, it's really not helpful or productive to stress over it too much.
25:03
Because chances are, they're probably not thinking about you or
25:06
judging you as hard as you think.
25:08
Because they're too caught up in their own world.
25:10
So this is the just do your thing, be you.
25:13
And remember that in this, this vast, crazy world, you're the only one
25:19
that's writing your own story and you're not living someone else's.
25:23
Because in the grand scheme of things, uh, opinions are incredibly
25:26
brief and they are erratic, and our mistakes are quickly forgotten.
25:30
Don't get me started on the fallibility of memory.
25:32
, what goes along with that is also a lot of the times that we feel
25:35
like we have impressed someone.
25:37
And then we are offended that they don't reme Don't you remember
25:39
that time we had this conversation about something that I remember?
25:42
Well, that's, that's weird.
25:43
You must not care about me.
25:44
You know, it doesn't work that way.
25:45
One of the other Things that happens when you care too much
25:48
about what other people think is it can destroy your own authenticity.
25:52
, go back to this.
25:52
Imagine that you are super obsessed with what everybody else thinks about you.
25:56
It does feel like you become that proverbial sheep, just following
26:01
the crowd, trying to blend in.
26:02
You start doing things and saying things and wearing things just
26:05
because you think that that's what others expect or want from you.
26:08
And you feel like, oh, that's the way I'll get validation because
26:10
I'll fit in with everybody else.
26:12
And your life then starts to become a mirror of somebody else's
26:15
ideas and ideals, not your own.
26:17
Here's the kicker too.
26:18
When you're trying so hard to be real and authentic to find out who you really
26:20
are, And what you stand for, then if you aren't doing it like everybody else,
26:26
it can start to freak the people out around you who aren't doing the same.
26:30
It's almost like if one sheep in the flock decides to break free
26:33
and do its own thing, it makes all the other sheep nervous.
26:34
They're thinking, Hey, where's that guy going?
26:36
Why are they not following the rest of us?
26:37
What do they know that we don't know?
26:39
And rather than somebody saying, Hey, I'll go check that out, I'll go see.
26:42
Maybe there is something different.
26:43
Everybody says, well, that, that guy is, doesn't know what they're doing.
26:47
So when you start being true to yourself, it does get a little bit
26:50
scary for those who are still playing the fitting in game, because they might
26:53
not really get why you're suddenly changing or why you're not doing things
26:56
the, in their view, normal way anymore.
26:59
But being authentic, being the real you is far more important than just
27:03
copying what everybody else is doing.
27:04
Now, oftentimes we will copy people until we don't, because
27:07
that can be the jumping off point.
27:09
But the truth is, this is your life.
27:10
It really is.
27:11
You have to live it in a way that does feel right and authentic to you.
27:15
And whether you're looking at this just from a, I'm tired of feeling controlled
27:18
by other people, You can look at this from a spiritual side of, let's go with
27:22
the, I'm a child of God and have my own God given talents and abilities and I
27:25
need to let my light so shine so others around me will be lifted up as well.
27:29
That is not happening when you are worrying and ruminating and trying
27:32
to do the same thing that everybody else is, especially when it doesn't
27:34
really feel like that is who you are.
27:36
It might be really comfy and easy to follow the flock, but it really won't
27:40
help you find out who you really are.
27:42
And this is where I go back to when we care so much about what other people
27:45
think and we're handing away that power so often we don't even want to take ownership
27:50
or accountability of our own life.
27:51
Because if so, then that's scary and we might find out that everything
27:55
isn't as perfect as we want it to be.
27:58
This part gets wild because if I'm continually saying, well, I did it because
28:02
my spouse said to do it, my parents said to do it, my church leader said to do it.
28:07
Then if it, it, whatever it is, doesn't go perfectly, then I get
28:10
to feel like, man, I did what they said and it didn't all work out.
28:14
So something must be wrong with me.
28:17
But in reality, we want to eventually get to the point of where you
28:19
are captain of your own ship.
28:21
Other people that you're interacting with give you a chance to
28:23
recognize what is important to you.
28:26
Your authenticity is just worth so much more than being just
28:29
another face in the crowd.
28:30
Because ultimately, that is not going to lead to fulfilling your
28:33
purpose, being your best self, letting your light so shine.
28:37
You and this jumps into again, back to one of the concepts around when you
28:42
care too much about what other people think not trying to stay on the heavy
28:45
side of things, but life is pretty short.
28:48
There's a survey of 2, 000 adults recently called the National Worry
28:52
Audit, and it revealed that on average, people spend about six and
28:56
a half years of their lives worrying.
28:58
And many of those worries, directly or indirectly, concern
29:01
other people's opinions.
29:03
So a couple of things from the study, that National Worry Audit, said that
29:07
on a daily basis, 28 percent of those surveyed worried about their appearance.
29:12
I actually even thought it might be more.
29:14
21 percent worry about what to wear, 17 percent worry about body odor.
29:19
So I'm grateful that that is one that I love a good smell.
29:22
So I'm making sure and covering that stuff up.
29:25
But then the worry audit said, suppose the average life expectancy is 81 years.
29:29
That means that people spend 8 percent of their lives worrying.
29:33
So if they would stop worrying about other people, they could have roughly
29:37
a couple of additional years to enjoy life or to do something useful and write
29:42
a book, connect with people you care about, learn the piano because life
29:45
can be gone in the blink of an eye.
29:47
What a waste of energy and again, emotional calories to spend this
29:50
short and vulnerable existence, wondering what other people think.
29:53
And too often we say, okay, well, you know, I've got the next life
29:56
and, but I think the more that we can be present and in this one,
30:00
this is the one that we are sure of.
30:02
And so we want to be our very best versions of ourselves and be and do
30:06
let's talk about another thing that happens when you care too
30:09
much about what other people think.
30:11
You lose this ability to trust your instincts, your instincts.
30:15
You ultimately know yourself best.
30:19
And I think this is so important because we are all navigating this maze of
30:24
advice and opinions and expectations that are coming at us all the time.
30:28
Whether we want them or not.
30:29
So I like to look at your instincts, your gut, your visceral reaction.
30:33
That is your inner compass.
30:34
You are the captain of your own ship.
30:36
You're sailing through a vast ocean of life.
30:38
And yeah, you've got maps and stars and you've got an old
30:41
trusty compass right in your hand.
30:42
That's your instinct.
30:44
You might have a crew aboard as well.
30:46
That's your friends, your family, your mentors giving you advice.
30:48
Oh, well, they give you some advice on what direction to go,
30:52
warning you about storms and even pointing out hidden treasures.
30:54
And what's fascinating is that, okay, let's say that somebody, this
30:57
salty sea captain of yours and a relative is literally a meteorologist.
31:02
Yeah, I will listen to that person.
31:04
As a marriage and family therapist, I, I really do have some strong
31:08
opinions on ways to communicate or as somebody that helps people a lot
31:12
with the navigating faith journeys.
31:14
Then I love being able to talk with somebody about those things.
31:17
But if you want to ask me about budgeting and finance, no thank you.
31:21
I'll, uh, I'll defer to the person that that is a passion of theirs.
31:24
That's a job that they do.
31:25
That's something that they really enjoy.
31:27
Because at that, at the old proverbial end of the day, who's steering?
31:31
You are.
31:32
You know the ship, which is you, better than anybody else could.
31:35
But I go back to, but we too often want to hand the power over to
31:37
somebody else because we're afraid.
31:39
What if I make the wrong decision?
31:41
Let's, it's just a decision.
31:42
You don't even know that it's wrong or the one that you didn't want to make
31:46
until after you've already made it.
31:47
And then that's a way to go, okay, well, that didn't quite
31:49
turn out how I thought it would.
31:51
Because you know yourself best.
31:53
I mean, that is the ultimate insight.
31:55
You are a complex a highly secure only, you know, the password kind of vault.
32:01
And people can guess what's inside based on what they observe and boy,
32:04
will they observe and make judgments.
32:06
You're the only person who has unrestricted access to every
32:08
everything, your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams, your fears,
32:10
your hopes, all of those things.
32:12
And no matter how insightful or how empathetic somebody else might
32:15
be, their perspective is like they're looking through the little
32:18
keyhole to this vault versus the full panoramic view that you have.
32:23
And and there is, it's a balancing act to really take a look at
32:27
other people's perspectives.
32:29
So just because you are the captain with the most intimate knowledge of your ship
32:32
does not mean you ignore all the advice and warnings coming from your crew or
32:35
other, or the other ships passers by.
32:37
Cause they might see a storm, they might suggest a faster route to your treasure.
32:41
And their outside perspective can be incredibly valuable and it
32:44
can offer insight and you might not have considered some of the
32:47
things that people are offering.
32:49
But the trick, the absolute trick and the joy is balancing that external
32:53
advice with your own internal compass.
32:56
So the more that we can just be able to spend time with some quiet and listening
33:02
and feedback and reflection, listen, reflect, but ultimately trust your gut
33:07
feeling about what's right for you.
33:08
And then if it doesn't turn out the way you thought it would check that out,
33:12
didn't do anything wrong, you're just doing and being, so what do you got to
33:15
do to steer your own ship regularly, reflect, spend time with yourself, get
33:19
to know your own mind and your heart.
33:21
I got to say the old things you hear often do a little journaling.
33:25
Even if you're not doing a narrative, even if it's not perfect write out
33:29
your thoughts when they just stay in your head, they just swirl around and
33:31
around, and we have a negativity bias and meditate, meditate, meditate, meditate.
33:36
It is so powerful this morning.
33:39
I just still can't even believe when I got in here, I had a little extra time.
33:43
So I did a 20 minute meditation instead of a 10, and then I had a little extra
33:46
time and I did a seven minute meditation.
33:48
And I never in a million years thought that I would be the person that is.
33:53
Giddy about the meditation, but it was, uh, it was beautiful and it
33:56
really brought me into this moment.
33:58
Balance.
33:58
Listen, you know, listen to advice from others those who you trust
34:01
and respect, but weigh it against your own feelings and beliefs.
34:04
That's where everything ends up being an opportunity to self confront and grow.
34:07
Everything is your personal muse, is that you're interacting with
34:11
other humans, other thoughts, other ideas, other feelings, other
34:13
foods, other smells, other places.
34:15
And then when you can look at that like, okay, that here's now I know how
34:19
I feel about this thing and decisions.
34:23
If I could bring some, not just gentle, but a little bit more intentional
34:27
awareness around decision making.
34:29
When you make decisions, especially bigger ones, but you can practice with the
34:34
smaller ones, just do a quick check in.
34:35
What feels right for me?
34:37
Because your gut reaction is often pointing you in the right direction.
34:40
And embrace mistakes.
34:42
I sometimes don't even want to use the word mistakes.
34:44
Embrace the things that happen.
34:46
Embrace the outcome.
34:47
Remember that even if you do follow your instincts and things don't
34:50
necessarily go as planned, That happened, didn't do it wrong, he just did it.
34:55
And there's value in those mistakes, you learn, you grow,
34:57
you get better at navigating.
34:59
And then that will ultimately start leading to confidence.
35:02
The more you trust your instincts and see where they lead you, the
35:04
more confident you'll become in your ability to steer your life in
35:06
the direction that you want to go.
35:08
That does not mean that everything will go perfect, but you will start to know that
35:11
even when I make decisions or find myself in situations that I had not planned
35:15
on, that I know that This too will pass.
35:18
I will be able to get through this.
35:20
I will learn from this.
35:21
Even if it's uncomfortable in the moment, I've also learned to deal with
35:23
uncomfortable emotions and feelings.
35:25
Just I guess remember that the sea of life is vast and it can be
35:29
intimidating and big old waves.
35:31
Start tapping into that.
35:32
tool for navigation that is already within you.
35:34
It is the knowledge you have of yourself and your instincts.
35:37
And the chances are that you maybe have not trusted those instincts
35:41
and you have handed that power over to somebody else and done it often.
35:45
So the more that you trust in that gut instinct, you'll find your
35:48
way, no matter how stormy it gets.
35:51
A couple of other things that I want to touch on very quickly,
35:53
and then we'll wrap things up.
35:55
Back to Carl Jung, I mentioned him earlier that he has this model of the
35:58
psyche that I really think is fascinating because it does start to just say,
36:03
here's why we care because, and here's why we want to show up a certain way.
36:08
So Jung basically said that our minds are almost like those little Russian
36:12
nesting dolls and they have these different layers that make up who we are.
36:16
And among those layers he talks about is the persona, the ego, the
36:19
self, the shadow we talked about, and then the anima or animus.
36:23
But for now, let's talk about the persona because that is really relevant
36:27
to how we interact with the world and each other because your persona is
36:31
like your, your mask, your social mask.
36:33
So if you're going to go to a costume party, even a thing, Halloween party,
36:37
but you pick out a mask or a costume that shows off a certain side of you, maybe
36:41
something you don't usually get to show or something that'll impress the other
36:44
guests showing up with your best self.
36:47
In Young's term, This costume is like your persona, it's the version of
36:51
you that you present to the world, and we sometimes want to make it look
36:55
polished, and social, and sophisticated, sometimes maybe a little bit different
36:59
from how we really feel inside.
37:02
Which might just be you wanting to crack jokes and hang out in your
37:04
pajamas at home and eat pizza.
37:07
So it's not fake, the persona isn't fake, but it's tailored to fit your situation.
37:12
So it's almost like trying to choose the right outfit for an
37:15
interview on how you, or how you behave on the first day of class.
37:19
And right now I think it's important just to recognize the persona.
37:22
Why do we need the persona?
37:24
Well, we're wired, especially until we aren't, to feel like these
37:28
first impressions really matter.
37:29
Just like you want to make a good impression at the party because
37:32
you want to dress and wear the funny thing, your persona helps you
37:35
navigate social situations smoothly.
37:37
And it's about putting your best foot forward.
37:39
And we still have this inherent need to fit in.
37:41
And then we have these comparisons and it's normal.
37:45
And, but it's a place to build from and your persona offers you protection.
37:50
It's like a little bit of armor because by controlling what you show to the
37:53
world, you are protecting your more vulnerable, true self, because we're
37:59
so worried about being judged, which.
38:01
The chances are we will be, and if we aren't in a place of confidence,
38:05
then that can be a lot to take in.
38:08
I was doing one of the relationship lives with my daughter, Sydney.
38:10
We did another one last night and I, boy, if you please join those, we're
38:15
going to start going live on YouTube next, but we've been doing Tik TOK lives.
38:19
I think we've got a dozen of them.
38:20
And last night, I think we had another 17, 18, 000 people
38:23
and there were 400 questions.
38:25
And it's just amazing.
38:26
It's an amazing.
38:27
Way to just interact with my daughter and then answer as many relationship questions
38:31
as we can, but inevitably somebody will come in and say something again.
38:35
Last night it's pretty pedestrian, but it used to hurt my feelings,
38:38
which is really funny to admit, but they'll say, don't you ever slow down?
38:42
And I know I really don't.
38:44
And I'm so comfortable with that where in the past, I know that I would
38:48
have looked at that , and that would have, I would have really taken that
38:50
as judgment that I'm doing it wrong, but in reality, I'm just doing it.
38:55
Yeah, I sound like a speed on one and a half when you're
38:58
listening to podcasts, maybe more.
39:00
And if I try to slow all this stuff down, then I'm not going to be myself.
39:04
I remember speaking at an event once and somebody was in the crowd
39:07
and they had my they had my number.
39:09
And so I was reading off my iPad and they texted me and they all capital
39:13
slow down, lots of exclamation points.
39:16
And man, it was all I could do to not just get angry and frustrated, because
39:20
I was, I had 300, 400 people there.
39:23
I'm trying to communicate as much as I can in the timeframe that I have.
39:25
And I had so much I wanted to share.
39:28
And if even somebody right now saying, well, yeah, but you need to, that
39:31
my experience was, I was going to, I wanted to share so much information.
39:35
And so that was one of those moments where I noticed that I got really upset.
39:39
I didn't say anything.
39:40
I probably did try to speed things up a little bit, but from that day forward,
39:44
then I, I was able to take that data in and differentiate what is it bringing up
39:48
in me that like I'm doing something wrong.
39:51
I'm an adult human being and I'm just doing and when somebody says,
39:55
Hey, can you come speak to us?
39:56
Then I say, yes, and here's what I will speak about.
39:59
And it is something that I love doing.
40:00
So that moment helped me learn that's a someone else thing.
40:04
If they're saying you need to slow down.
40:07
I don't even have to respond because I wanted to make a joke there and
40:10
say, well, they need to, but hey, I appreciate that feedback and that's
40:13
something I've definitely taken in.
40:14
Thank you.
40:16
So that confidence needs to come.
40:19
I know sometimes before we can just be and do and before we can truly be
40:24
differentiated or before we can not react.
40:29
But also another concept is of why we need this persona is to communicate
40:34
because it does help in communicating and connecting with others.
40:37
It's a way that we're trying to show up and we're trying to, I don't
40:40
know, show up maybe appropriate for the context of where you're at.
40:43
You know, you probably talk a little bit differently to your grandma
40:45
than you do to your best friend.
40:47
And I've got a podcast that I'm writing right now that's talking about
40:50
another psychologist called Rogers.
40:51
He talks about a thing called congruence.
40:53
Cause right now, yeah, you might talk different to your
40:55
grandma and your best friend.
40:56
There is a question about, can you get to this place of just congruence or
41:01
authenticity where you are just being the same in all areas of your life?
41:05
And wouldn't that be pretty refreshing?
41:06
I think it could be.
41:08
But the catch.
41:09
Is losing yourself in the mask.
41:10
Young pointed out a really tricky part though.
41:12
He said sometimes we get so caught up in playing these roles that we start to
41:16
forget who we are underneath the mask.
41:18
And it's like you wore your Halloween costume for the rest of your life.
41:23
And then it started to just really feel like you.
41:24
Turns out maybe I am Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
41:27
And you start talking like him and I was about to do it and I will not.
41:30
So this balancing act becomes, it's a balance between recognizing your persona
41:35
and then now moving into authenticity.
41:36
How do you balance that?
41:38
Self reflection.
41:39
You're listening to podcasts.
41:40
If you're still with me, thank you so much.
41:42
You're, check in with yourself.
41:44
Are you wearing a mask that feels true to who you are?
41:46
Is it starting to chafe?
41:48
And we're back to mindfulness, be mindful of the roles you play in
41:51
different areas of your life, where you are at work and home and friends.
41:55
And right now, yeah, you might feel like you're adapting a lot but just
41:59
start to be aware of, are you doing that at the cost of your core self?
42:03
And then are you making these authentic connections?
42:05
Try to form relationships where you get to be comfortable being more of your true
42:09
self where you can take that mask off, not just living with your persona and those
42:14
connections will feel the most rewarding and sometimes I know when people come
42:18
into my office and I'll talk about this concept, I will sometimes say, where do
42:21
you feel like you can take that mask off?
42:23
And a lot of people don't feel like there's anywhere right now.
42:26
And we'll start from bringing some awareness because you may not know what
42:30
you don't know about what that would feel like to be able to just be your
42:33
authentic self with that mask off.
42:35
Because hopefully we can help you learn to embrace your whole self.
42:38
You are a complex, wonderful, multifaceted human being.
42:42
So it's okay to have different aspects of yourself highlighted at different times.
42:46
But the goal is to ensure that the persona you present to the world is
42:49
still a reflection of your true inner self, not a complete departure from that.
42:53
So Jung's concept of the persona, it's a really helpful reminder that
42:58
while we might have these social masks, and they're pretty natural.
43:02
And some could even argue necessary to interact with other humans.
43:07
Can we just start bringing awareness of being able to strive to ensure that they
43:11
that they're just a part of our larger authentic self, that that's not the whole
43:15
story, that we don't just find ourselves just, which mask, which mask, which mask?
43:18
And I do really believe that we can get pretty close to wearing, or just being,
43:23
wearing one mask for the most part.
43:25
And every now and again, yeah, if we're going to talk to a grandma, I'll throw
43:27
one on there that's maybe I don't know.
43:29
I can't come up with a funny joke right now.
43:31
Usually that's one of my favorite things to do, but wrapping things up.
43:34
Hopefully you can see that it's normal to care what other people think.
43:37
It's probably the place that I would start.
43:40
And in that sense, and I'm talking in a healthy sense, being aware of what other
43:43
people think can be helpful at time.
43:46
If it's used as a way to check out how we believe that we're showing up in
43:49
the world, it becomes an opportunity for us to self confront, to grow.
43:54
Because some people, safe people, They can notice behaviors about us
43:57
that we may not even be aware of.
43:59
The old what we don't know that we don't know.
44:02
They can never be sure about our true motives and our secrets and our
44:06
hidden personality traits because those are reserved for ourselves only.
44:09
They're part of that vault that we have locked away.
44:12
So people's thoughts about us based on what they perceive typically
44:15
don't align exactly with reality.
44:18
So the feedback we get from others is helpful, but the truth
44:21
really is within ourselves.
44:22
Deep inside, We hopefully are learning.
44:25
I was going to say we know what we want, but do we?
44:27
Hopefully, we're starting to learn and understand what we want.
44:30
And the more we stay true to that, the more consistent we become and
44:33
the more we recognize other people's thoughts and opinions for what they are.
44:36
I was going to say something negative, but it's a feedback.
44:39
They are their opinions and thoughts or feedback provided for us to take and
44:44
then do with it what we feel is best for us, which can mean anything from kindly
44:49
dismissing it altogether, or slowly taking a look at the feedback, look for anything
44:53
that we can take in and use to ultimately become the very best version of ourselves.
44:58
Because we, honest to goodness, are indeed the most unique versions of ourselves.
45:04
And the sooner we can learn to understand who we are, then I promise you, the more
45:08
we can experience our lives to their very fullest and what it feels like
45:11
to be you is really, it's kind of fun.
45:14
Turns out, I think you're a pretty good hang.
45:16
Have an amazing week.
45:18
Taking us out per usual, the wonderful, the talented
45:20
Aurora Florence with her song.
45:21
It's wonderful because it is.
45:23
Have an amazing week.
45:23
I'll see you next time on the virtual couch.