Latest / Neighbourly: Real Stories of Care and Community / Choosing Kin | Part 2: From College to Marriage With Danika

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Choosing Kin | Part 2: From College to Marriage With Danika · Neighbourly: Real Stories of Care and Community

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What does loving your neighbor actually look like? This
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is Journey with Care, where curious Canadians get inspired
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to love others well through real life stories and honest
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conversations.
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Alright. We are back for the 2nd in our series. I
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have my adopted daughter Danika on with us. This is the
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2nd episode. The 1st episode, we talked about your story, Growing
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up, what it was like, your relationship with your parents,
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how he struggled with PTSD, some of the struggles
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you had in school, and your parents divorcing
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and splitting up and how that's affected you. So I encourage listeners, if you haven't
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listened to that one, make sure you go back and listen to that.
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And I was definitely looking forward to this episode after hearing your story in that
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last episode. Okay. So we ended the last episode with a bit of a
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cliffhanger. You haven't met me yet. You were in bible college?
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Yes. I was in bible college. We
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left off kinda talking about the overall, like, feeling with bible college,
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but I didn't meet you until the last
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month of bible college. Actually, that year. It's still your 1st year in bible
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college? Yes. Yeah. My 1st and only year in Bible
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college. So interesting again. Like, this is where the sovereignty of
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god comes in, I think in one of the coolest ways. So
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for some background, I went to youth conferences at this Bible
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college my whole time in high school, And I had befriended a
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student there. I was scrolling on Facebook one day, and
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I saw her make a post. And I was like, you know what? We haven't
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talked in, like, a year or so. I texted her. We talked back
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and forth a bit, and I found out she was coming to the Bible College,
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like, in a week with the prayer ministry she was a part of. And so
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I was so excited. It was beautiful because now it was
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like she was coming back to the bible college as an alumni, And I was
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now a student at the same conference I would attend. And so
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I thought that was just, like, beautiful enough. And, of course, I was relieved to
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have someone coming that You like me. What Wendi up
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happening is I didn't have a lot of responsibilities during the
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conference weekend, because I was on the prayer team. So we, like,
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really only were needed in the evenings, and so I ended up spending a lot
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of time with this friend. And this is where Johan comes in. It's It's where
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I come in. Yeah. You were with said friend as well. You guys kinda stayed
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as, like, a trio. Well, the ministry that we are part of went
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to that bible college, many times, we did prayer rooms
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for some of the conferences, and then we've done some workshops as well on prayer
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and worship. So that was part of our regular routine,
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Maybe going once or twice a year. So this happened to
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be what year? 2018. 2018. Yeah. So this is probably
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the last time I went there, actually, but I think so. Yeah. I remember I
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went I went to your workshop, actually. That's where we first started talking.
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As I went to your workshop, I don't remember what it was on. I don't
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know if I remember either. You had your guitar. Yeah. And then It was on
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worship for sure. And then I would just taught myself guitar that
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year. And so I was like, hey. That's a nice guitar. Do you mind if
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I play it a little bit? And you're like, yeah. Just be careful. And
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so I played it a bit. And then Expensive guitar.
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So, yeah, be careful. I emphasize that for sure. Yeah. Yeah. You know,
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I'm playing it a little bit, and then you give it back at that point.
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And then We go back and forth, and at one point, you're like, if you
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wanna go into the prayer room during one of our hours that we would be
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playing and wanna sing a bit, you can. And I was like, what?
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I'm like, you haven't even heard me sing. And I played 4
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chords. And so, really got
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my attention because I definitely felt like there was favoritism
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at my college for certain students Who got leadership
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opportunities or it's just how I interpreted it.
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It also just kinda felt like Anxiety and depression just always held me
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back. It's like you would be really good at this once that's gone.
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And so I was at that point feeling defeated, and, like, I'd never
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Find a community that would see, like, potential and value in me and,
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like, want to steward that and disciple me in it
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before I got, like, miraculously healed or because
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it was like a Pentecostal circle I've cited before, I could finally,
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you know, get rid of those demons that are Pestering me all the
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time. Side note, I grew up Pentecostal. My dad is a Pentecostal
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pastor. So that's one of the things that I think we had that, you know,
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that Connection with Mhmm. Both growing up Pentecostal
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from Saskatchewan. So there's that connection. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wendi talk about that a
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bit too. And so, Like any traumatized person, you don't really have
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emotional boundaries. So, like, we talked a little bit more, and
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there's an internship being offered at your Yeah. That was one of the
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reasons for us going to the Bible College. They invited us, but they also
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invite us to promote our internship, which is Basically,
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like a DTS where young people would come into our program, which
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is training and equipping young people to worship in prayer and spend the
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season Just really seeking out god for the life and going deep in the
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word and various aspects of the prayer room, learning how to pray in the prayer
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room as well. So, that was one of the reasons we came to the College,
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we had a boost set up. I think we're giving away T shirts. I think
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you might have got a T shirt. I don't think I got a T shirt.
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Oh, you didn't get a T shirt. I think you guys We're out of T
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shirts at that point. Oh, okay. You got candy. I got Wendi. Yep.
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And I got to help hand out the cards you guys had Even though I
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wasn't a part of it, that was that was wild. That was interesting that you
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were helping us, not really a part of our team or anything. And, yeah, like,
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giving you that opportunity to leave worship or play guitar
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even. That's something that's always been on my heart. Right? Which is why we're
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doing the internship is to, really see those gifts
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develop in young people and giving them that opportunity to find out
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what God's plan is for their life. So Yeah. Yeah. And so,
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You know, I hung out with you guys for the weekend, and it was great.
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You did hang out with us. You joined us for meals. You kinda followed us
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around a little bit. I I basically was just, like, Your guy's a shadow at
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that point, and you guys weren't annoyed by me. So I was like, wow.
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This is interesting. And so It wasn't you,
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but the other person that was there was like, you should come to
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Winnipeg and hang out with us for, like, a week or two to see what
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we do. And I was like, oh, yeah. Maybe, like, in a year or so.
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I'm trying to do another year at bible college, and I think it was,
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like, a week later I ended up calling that person. And was like,
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hey. Winnipeg's on my way home from where I was
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going for a week after school ended. Although, like, at the end
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of that weekend that we were there, you did come up to us and you
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were asking a lot of questions already. Yeah. Like, really interested
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in What it what it's about. It almost felt like you were on board
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already, like signing up. Yeah. I was already on board. I was just like,
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well, I gotta, you know, do another year of Bible College 1st, even though I
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really don't wanna be here. And so I actually ended up going and
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visiting Winnipeg 2 weeks after school ended, and I was there for 2
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weeks. I think we were doing a conference at that point as well. And I
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also helped with that conference. That was interesting as well. This random
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Girl that we met at a bible college, has never been here before, and she's
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helping at our conference. Yeah. Actually, it it seems to be, like,
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Something I just do. I ended up having a really good conversation with one of
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the other staff members, at the prayer ministry at the end of my
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trip. And They pretty much
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convinced me that I could just come and do the internship.
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And I was like, wow. Okay. I felt
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wanted. I felt appreciated, and I felt like people finally saw that there is
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something in me of value. Even though, like, at that point, I
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viewed myself as broken and, like, always, like, a
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burden to people and just All these different things. And my dad
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has a nice relationship. Like, again, it was bad at that point. Like, he was
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he was really deteriorated at that point. And I was getting really into Jesus, and
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that was just we were butting heads. Did you tell him about you
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going to Winnipeg? I actually didn't. I didn't I didn't tell him.
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And so I took the Greyhound bus home from Winnipeg.
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And when my mom picked me up 17
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and a half hours later, The first thing I said to her is, like, I'm
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gonna move to Winnipeg in September. And then she's like, no. You're
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not. And I was like, excuse me? Because I'm thinking is this, like,
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this 18 going on 19 year old, like, you can't tell me what to do
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anymore. But she was like, I needed to get
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A jaw surgery just because of how I was born. And so
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she's like, you're on the waiting list. Like That was a big thing for you,
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your jaw. Yeah. Let's do a little bit of A sidebar there. Like, what kind
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of pain were you dealing with at that point? And was that discouraging for you?
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And It was really discouraging for me. Because there's an emphasis on A lot
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of healing at the Bible College, and you didn't really experience that. Right? No.
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But people pray for my jaw all the time. They're like, you don't need surgery.
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And I'm like, I do. I do. Like
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Surgery is okay. And so I wasn't discouraged at that point. I was, like,
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fine with surgery. I was just afraid that I wasn't gonna wake up. So yeah.
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I had my top and bottom jaw broken at the same time. And
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then for cosmetic reasons, my nose was slightly
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Reduced, and I have a chin implant as well. And I did it all at
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once because I wanted to move to Winnipeg. So it was like 4 different surgeries
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at the same time. It was very painful, and I also, like, needed to be
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home for another year in small town Saskatchewan, the place I
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didn't wanna be. And so that was, like, probably
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one of the hardest years of my life. The way to describe the pain is,
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like, it wasn't, like, sharp, but it's like a dull Egg Wendi.
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I think the hardest part was watching my face change. Because,
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like, I'd known one face my whole life. And then
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My voice changed a bit, and my nose was
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different. My chin was different, and it took a year and a bit
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for the swelling to completely come down. The weird thing is, like, I didn't recognize
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myself in the mirror for, like, a good month. So let's just
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let's clarify that timeline. You're a Bible college. I come
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there with our team, and you basically say you wanna come
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to Winnipeg. 2 weeks later, you go to our conference in Winnipeg.
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You're helping out. Felt like you're already part of the team, all in already.
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Yep. Again, at the conference, you're asking a lot of questions. Yeah. And then you
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head back home for the surgery right away? Yep. And then my anxiety
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and depression got really bad. Just having another year at home. It was more the
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small town. Be back there for a year. I was very happy when my
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surgeon cleared me, because I was home for a a full leg
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from September Until August of
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2019. How did you feel going back home for a year? I
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felt discouraged. And it's hard to say because it's like, I do love
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my mom and my sister. And I didn't wanna be
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in that small town. I was really hurt by my church
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members, and it's really discouraging to go back to that. You know,
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being back in the small town, Again, that's the
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cycle with my dad, like, pick up again. In and out. In and out.
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It was really hard to even connect with Jesus for, like, 6 months after the
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surgery because of the pain And the fuzziness from all the pain medication I had
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to be on. And so I also took a really big hit in my relationship
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with him. I went 6 months with barely hearing his voice, and I hadn't Ever.
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Done that since I've known him at 14. So Alright. So you're
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working as an EA, earning some money to hopefully move to
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Winnipeg that was kind of in the plans Danika Mhmm. Was your mom still
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saying, no. You're not moving to Winnipeg, or was this Once I got, like, the
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job searching, she was fine. She's like, go do what you want. And
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I decided I was moving to Winnipeg and staying in Winnipeg before I got
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to Winnipeg. It wasn't just like a, I'm coming for the internship, and then I'll,
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like, figure it out. I was like, I'm coming for the internship, and then I'm
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gonna figure out how I'm gonna live in Winnipeg. And so I don't
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drive independently, so I got on a train
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and did a 17 and a half hour train ride to
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move to Winnipeg. So I think because you were the director, You were the one
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that picked me up from the train station at, like, 12:30 in the morning.
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Yeah. That was pretty late. Yeah. Yeah. You picked me up at, like, 12:30 in
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the morning, and then Dropped me off where I was gonna be
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staying for a month before I went to the other place I was gonna be
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staying. It was a big culture shock for me actually moving back to the city.
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What was that like? I was too afraid to walk down the street by myself.
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And so it was actually in Winnipeg. Like, just a transition. So I
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went into the internship, had a great time. We ended
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up having a class with you called the father's heart, which is my
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most difficult class because I don't like connecting with God that
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way. That's where it started for me that you and I started talking a
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lot more about my dad. And it's interesting
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because that's the first time I Taught a father's
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heart course, and I kinda put that together. And you were
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one of 2 interns that took that course. So what was that like? You
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saw that on the schedule. What was happening on the inside when you
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saw a father's heart on the schedule? I wasn't looking forward
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to it, but at the same time, I was like, maybe this is what it's
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gonna take to finally connect with god as a father, because I did want that.
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But at that point, I was still initially accepting trauma
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and different things happening, and it was it was the internship. And
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conversations was, like, You and your wife or,
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some of the other staff members helping me to really
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realize that a lot of the things I experienced were normal, Even though they had
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been my everyday for years. You and one other specific staff
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member in the internship really helped me see
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that It was okay for adult men to speak into my life, and
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it actually was appropriate with boundaries. And
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really took the time to Not just
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leave conversations that I've had with the lord at
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really difficult points about my past or about my dad.
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Between you 2, you guys really helped me to process it and made
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space for me to grieve what was going on,
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And, like, really came alongside in interceding and praying with me.
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And so I think that was my favorite part of the internship. I was in
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a community where I felt Safe
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and could start letting my guard down and letting people in. I'd also
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been a youth leader at my church. And so you have 3
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kids. Yeah. And at the time, they
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were not connected to a youth group. And so I was, like, determined to,
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like, get to know them and let them have, like, an kind of young adult
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in their life that love Jesus and, like, could hang out with them. And I
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remember, like, you and I also talking about how to make that work, because you
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were like, yeah, that'd be great. Yeah. That was something we needed in our
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family. And I guess we'll get into this more in the next episode. But Mhmm.
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I just being in a prayer ministry, it's not your typical
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Sunday morning church. So there was there was no youth group. They
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were, in fact, some of the only youth in our community.
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So they didn't have that youth leader to look up to that Young
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adult, which many young people need. They need those mentors and those people to look
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up to you in their lives. So I was excited to have you come
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alongside them And just show them that there are young people that are
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going hard after Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. I think because it was your
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oldest son was the one that came The most, and so I think that's
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where it kinda started with the kids. It's like, I got to know him, and
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then the other 2 were like, okay. Yeah. You're cool. It's a
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little weird. We're still a little weird. Oh, always gonna be weird. But
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you're kinda weird too. So Yeah. It worked out. It worked out. It's it's
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funny now, like, looking back. Sometimes there's some mannerisms I have that, like, are very
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similar to your guys' family. We're getting into episode 3 already.
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Yeah. But it's Uh-huh. Sneak peek. Yeah. The
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internship, like, there was highs and there was many lows, of
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course, but I needed that time sitting with Jesus and
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learning how to do that. And then, I've always been really
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passionate about music As we had discussed last episode, but
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my dad is not musical, cannot sing to save his life. So
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I was really discouraged in as a kid in that area. I got to, like,
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be on a worship team for the 1st time, and I was being
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encouraged to actually, like, Take the time to learn to
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sing and that, like, I had a good voice and stuff, and that was coming
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from, like, you and, like, it was, again, like, 1 someone, like, pushing me
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and helping me. Because you play guitar and We were able to talk about guitar,
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and I would play with you at the 6:30 AM prayer meetings.
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And I think it was just that discipleship and that championship
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That really helped me to see that what I'd learned in
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my church before where it's like, avoid men at all
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costs. Because, Like, as a woman, like, you're gonna be to be blunt,
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like, you're gonna lead them to sin is pretty much what I had
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communicated. And here I was learning that There are healthy
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boundaries that can be put in place to still get that benefit of
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having that discipleship and that leadership in your life. And so That
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was really important for specifically, when we get into episode 3 because I
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was very resistant at first. And as a
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leader of an internship bringing in young people, I even recognize it
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more now how important some of those boundaries are in In bringing young
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people into your program, especially as a male leader, you wanna
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have those things in place so that you can feel safe. Because if you don't
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feel safe, you're not You're not gonna be able to get that internal change that
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we Mhmm. Are setting up the internship for. Like, we want you to
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encounter the Lord, and we want you to Counter, the father heart, and you
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can't do that if you don't feel safe. Yeah. And it's, like, even, like, in
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our conversations, just so the listeners know, when we did talk about my dad and
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stuff with you, It would only go to a certain depth before I'd either be
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talking to your wife or, like, I had another I had some woman in my
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life too from the prayer ministry that I went a lot deeper with.
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Like, it was more so we talk about verses and stuff. Like, what is a
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dad? That's more so what I would talk about with you.
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But the other woman in the in the primary ministry is when I would really
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open up about my heart, and how I'd been wounded and stuff, and
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Different things that you really only wanna talk to with women anyway.
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So Alright. So there, again, some highs and lows of the
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internship, but, Ultimately, you still wanted to stay in
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Winnipeg Mhmm. And you found a way to turn yourself into a
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Winnipegger. Mhmm. You stayed in the house that you're already staying in.
18:22
Yep. So what was it like finishing the internship
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and then kind of, for the first time, really being
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on your own as an adult in Winnipeg. So I kinda
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feel like I I grew up really fast, so I kinda Skip
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that adolescent teenage years where you're like, I'm not gonna unload the dishwasher.
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No. Like, I learned how to take care of myself. The importance of needing to
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feed myself and stuff just because of the circumstances. And so
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that wasn't hard. What was hard was the
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job I ended up Getting was very high pressure and
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very difficult, and learning to live with roommates was
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very stressful because it was It was like a community house, and they
19:04
wanted to get to know me. And I was like, okay. Well Do you think
19:07
some of your past experiences, I put up some walls there for
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you wanting to develop strong relationships even with your
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roommates. Yeah. 100%. Because, like, I viewed myself as, like, wrong
19:18
in the problem and being bad. That was, like, a core belief for me. So
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it's really hard to make And maintain relationships when you believe that about
19:26
yourself. Because if you get into, like, a conflict or things like that, and then,
19:30
like, when you're hypervigilant like I was, it's Not a good mix.
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And so I'm really thankful for my roommates because they did. There were
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times they corrected me and other times that we just all had fun and they
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really loved me during that process. Because, like, I
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did fall apart with my mental health after the internship, but I
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think it's just because I had been out of my Living situation
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before long enough that I didn't have to be all together, and
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so I just sort of fell apart all at once. And I think if I
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remember, it's Because you no longer have those requirements
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in front of you. I just remember you really struggling with everything,
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not having those routines. Yeah. I didn't have the routines. You had given us a
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book at the end of the internship called Bible 360, highly
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recommend. And so I decided, I think, I'd never read through the
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bible cover to cover. And so I did that, and I did get through the
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whole thing. So on the horizon On the horizon. Few months away,
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we had COVID coming. The world shut down,
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and I absolutely panicked. That was one
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thing my dad would always say to me, Specifically Wendi was drunk, he's
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like, the world will never stop spinning. Nothing will ever have everything just
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shut down. And then it happened, and I was like, woah. This is
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something I didn't want to not be a lie from dad. Yeah. I
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ended up becoming super I'm gonna be honest. Like, for most people, I think
20:52
COVID was, there was hard stuff in COVID for me, but I got a 3
20:55
month break from my job. And so I just spent
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time with god In the basement of where I
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was living with my best friend, who I was living with for 3
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months. So I really enjoyed The 1st wave and the
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1st cycle. After that, it got hard. And, I mean,
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the restrictions got worse, isolation to come,
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and that starts to take a big toll on your mental health. Can you tell
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me what that looked like during that time? Well, it
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looked like having to call the crisis line In Winnipeg, I'm really happy we
21:29
have that. It wasn't because I was like, I wasn't active crisis. Did I
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tell them that? No. Because I did not wanna have to go to the psych
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ward I didn't have to explain to my roommates why, but it
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was just to ask, like, how do you get antidepressants, and
21:43
get some therapy resources, and stuff like that. And That
21:47
woman, her name was Anne Godsend. She was really kind, and she
21:51
was on the phone with me for, like, 45 minutes. And it was the
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next day I went to a doctor, and it did not take a long in
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the conversation for them to be like, yeah. You should've been on these years ago.
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And just having to face that stigma too of being a Christian and
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needing antidepressants, but they helped me again connect with Jesus. And
22:10
yeah. So I started going for walks with my husband
22:13
during COVID. Wasn't your husband yet? He wasn't my husband
22:17
yet, but we started going for walks, Yeah. The 1st
22:20
summer. And then for the fall of 1st fall
22:24
of COVID, we kinda, like, weren't talking as much, but it's also the restrictions
22:28
got really Yeah. Really hardcore at that point. And
22:31
then in the winter was when I don't know. Are we in
22:35
the 3rd or the 4th wave at that point? I don't even remember. But they
22:39
did allow, at some point, when they started allowing 1
22:43
visitor at your house per week or something like that,
22:47
Our children were struggling throughout COVID Mhmm. As many teenagers were
22:50
and young people Yeah. Especially our daughter, that she couldn't
22:54
connect with people anymore and their Wendi, and and I knew that you were
22:58
you kinda went through a lot of the same things. So Yeah. So I reached
23:01
out to you even to connect with her and say, hey. Yeah. She's going through
23:04
a tough time. She probably needs someone to talk to that she
23:08
can relate to Mhmm. That's gone through some of these things as well. Yeah.
23:12
And I think I also You reached out to me, and then I I think
23:15
at the same time also kinda offered because, like, I'd I'd heard through, like, Zoom
23:19
prayer meetings that that wasn't going well. And I was like, hey. I get
23:23
this. I understand this. This was
23:26
me. I really didn't want her to have to navigate that by
23:30
herself, because, like, you can't when you're a teenager. You need someone to
23:33
be able to come alongside and have someone that isn't your parents to talk
23:37
to. And so It took a while for her to open
23:41
up to me. It's going back. I think they allowed 1 visitor per week,
23:44
like they said. So So we decided you're
23:49
a 1 visitor. You can come to dinner to our place
23:52
and then hang out with Our daughter and our family. Mhmm. Play board games.
23:56
So we just Play board games. Yeah. Yeah. I came over, like, every other week
23:59
at first, and then this is, like, around the Same time that I was
24:02
also really starting to get to know my husband more than just
24:06
being a friend. And so it was just, again, sovereignty of God.
24:10
I'm starting to Open up to my
24:14
now husband, and I was starting my healing journey. I'm still
24:18
in it. Like, didn't happen overnight of, like, anxiety and
24:21
depression. Well, like, I'm coming into your guys' home. And because I was
24:26
I've lived with it for so long, I was able to really Not so
24:29
much speak into her at that point, but I think just
24:33
exemplify someone who loved Jesus and
24:37
was Also struggled with feeling anxious and stuff, and
24:41
I think that really helped her in a way with just watching that, you
24:44
know, laughing and having games, and, like, Just the intentionality I had
24:48
with all 3 of them, just to make sure that they, you know, they had
24:52
someone that they could laugh with. And I think at one point, like, It was
24:55
like if I came over, it was like a completely different dynamic than it was
24:59
if I wasn't there. So Wendi I started coming over, like, every week. So what
25:02
was it like you coming into our house every week? Was that something you look
25:05
forward to? And when you were here, what was it like? It was the highlight
25:09
of of my week. I was actually quite surprised when you guys wanted me in
25:12
your bubble. I was not expecting anybody to be like, do you wanna be in
25:15
your bubble? And I was like, wow. I can leave the house.
25:19
It was great. I got to know your wife and
25:22
really open up and trust her and be able to talk to her about some
25:25
stuff. And She also has had some experiences
25:29
that she's been able to really pour into me, and be able to relate to
25:32
me in certain areas. And then I loved hanging out with your
25:36
kids. Like, they were, like, some of the funniest people I know.
25:40
And, oh, man, when the 4 of us are playing a board game just ourselves,
25:44
like, the roasts, and We will get vicious to each other because
25:47
there's no pair right there to, like, be like, hey, okay, guys. Tone
25:51
it down. But it was really fun just getting to Play board games. You
25:55
guys also had a gecko at that point, and I got to hang out with
25:58
the gecko. So, like, that was great. He's now my gecko.
26:02
And you guys jokingly started using language. You're like a big
26:05
sister. Yeah. And we were using that familial language
26:09
already at that point. Yeah. You would house it for us and our dogs
26:12
sometimes, and it felt like you were one of us. Mhmm. But it wasn't at
26:16
that point where we officially started calling you Our daughter and part of our family,
26:20
but Yeah. Like, the language is already starting to come there. Like, it was a
26:23
natural, like, transition, I think. Yeah. And it is, like, I just I fit in
26:27
really well with your guys' family and family dynamic. And when
26:31
I did start dating my husband, you're like, well, bring him along. And
26:34
so I think that was one of the really big things that impacted
26:38
me the most is during that time just to backtrack a
26:42
bit, now that I remember. This is an important thing, but My dad had come
26:46
back into my life that summer. How did that happen? You
26:49
know, the normal thing where it's like, oh, let's give this another shot. I'm gonna
26:52
call my dad. But it went really well. And so he had been taking
26:56
steps to take care of himself and was changing, and honestly
27:00
was starting to sound like my dad When I was a kid, and so I
27:05
really let my guard down and opened up to him. And at one point, he
27:08
even apologized for not being a part of my life and that he wanted to
27:11
continue to Get to know me and be a part of my life. And so
27:14
he had plans to move to Winnipeg, not August.
27:18
And With me starting I started dating
27:22
my now husband. And at the same time, my
27:25
dad Wendi into another decline. What did your dad
27:29
think about you dating someone? He was not excited. There was some very, very
27:33
mean things said. He did do a video call once
27:37
to meet him, and then I asked him what he thought. And he's like, oh,
27:40
he's nice and stuff. And Unlike any girl when you get into a
27:43
relationship, like, you're like cloud 9. And so my dad just was really
27:47
uncomfortable with that. And so I was excited and been like, yay.
27:51
My dad's gonna be a part of something in my life that's gonna be life
27:55
changing and really important. Because, like, I just I knew at that
27:58
point that my husband and I, when we were dating, we would get married. Like,
28:02
it's we just fit too well together. And so My
28:05
dad just randomly stopped talking to me, and that
28:09
hurt more than the 1st time he drove away. Because there was hope.
28:12
Yeah. And so I didn't hear from him
28:16
that he wasn't moving to Winnipeg, and I had to ask my mom after the
28:19
time had passed. And that was a hard
28:23
conversation to have. And so at that point, we were going to your house
28:27
regularly. Disc golfing, having dinner, hanging out with The kids
28:30
playing board games, having conversations about God and stuff like
28:34
that. Like, I felt like my dad
28:38
was going to be a part of this important phase in my life. But because
28:42
you talked about moving to Winnipeg even. Right? Yeah. He did. And
28:45
Then he wasn't. And at around that same time, like,
28:49
it was the exact same time, just very I'm gonna say supernaturally.
28:54
That transition was starting where I was becoming more
28:57
family, more like your daughter. And so you and your wife were
29:01
involved in the entire Relationship
29:05
with my husband from us starting to date us,
29:08
getting married and yeah. And I think it was in that at one
29:12
point When was it? I think k. You finally got
29:16
engaged. Yeah. We got engaged. And, at that point, your
29:19
dad was already Had declined quite a bit. That was the last time I
29:23
talked to my dad was actually on the day we got engaged. I texted
29:26
him. I have never had someone call So
29:30
fast after texting him, and I didn't hear from him after that.
29:34
He was not happy that I was engaged. That was a tough moment for
29:38
you, wasn't it? Mhmm. It's not how you imagined getting engaged.
29:42
Yeah. No. Like, you don't want your dad to be like, oh, wow. This
29:45
is shocking. And I'm like, Well,
29:49
yeah. It was a hard conversation, but I was at the point,
29:53
like, hanging out with your family, I think. I was getting the strength and the
29:56
healing I needed to be able to To hang up and actually hang
29:59
up, and finally be like, no, I'm closing the door. I can't do this anymore.
30:04
I know when I heard about that conversation, my heart broke Mhmm.
30:08
As well for you. Like, I don't know experientially,
30:11
but I know that how important it is for A daughter to
30:15
have a father Mhmm. And to have have that acceptance and
30:19
that excitement over the daughter getting married and even on that
30:23
wedding day. Mhmm. Being able to walk the daughter up the aisle. It's a
30:26
privilege father to look forward to Yeah. And dread at the same time. But
30:30
Well yeah. Yeah. But it's something daughters look forward to,
30:33
especially is having their father walk up the aisle. Yeah. I
30:37
with my dad coming back into my life, and then I remember going
30:41
to my best friend at the time after 1 phone call, and I was
30:45
like, I think my dad is actually gonna be able to walk me down the
30:48
aisle. And When my dad didn't take the engagement well, it was
30:51
just I I lost it again. I
30:55
I'd been like, wow. Okay. It's like, what am I
30:59
gonna do? Because I don't know. And I didn't
31:02
I just really didn't want my mom to walk me down the aisle. Not because
31:06
I don't love her, But because, like, the wedding was really hard for
31:09
me. I was excited to get married. But
31:14
when you've had so much loss and there's So many important people
31:17
in your life that you grew up with from, like, a long time, and then
31:21
they just all abandoned you. And then if you turn around
31:25
And you look at your guest list, and there's a lot of
31:29
people that you wanted to be there since you were a kid and they're not.
31:32
And so the planning of the wedding was really stressful and really hard for me,
31:35
because it wasn't just like it wasn't just managing, like, planning a wedding.
31:39
It was managing Planning a wedding and
31:43
grieving at the same time. I think after hearing about that conversation,
31:47
I had already settled it in my heart that
31:50
You're gonna have a father figure walk up the aisle with you, and I will
31:54
step in if I needed to. I wasn't gonna say that right off the hop
31:57
because it was so fresh Yeah. Obviously, but
32:00
Just waiting for that right time. It was actually really funny how it
32:04
happened. It was, like, in typical like, it's so you. I don't
32:08
know. We were at, like, a worship night. I think you were eating a
32:11
cracker and hummus, and you jokingly was like, oh, I can
32:15
wipe it down the aisle, but, like and then, like, but just joking half
32:19
joking. Of course. And then that's and I was like,
32:22
actually, I'd be okay with that. And you're like and then it became a serious
32:25
conversation. I think he was jokingly to test the waters because
32:29
That is a very serious topic. It is a very serious topic. And so
32:33
And, obviously, I I think I said at that point, okay, for Actually,
32:37
considering this, like, obviously, I wanna talk to my daughter first to make sure
32:41
she's okay with, you being the 1st daughter Mhmm. I walk up
32:45
the aisle with so this is that conversation. Of course, she was
32:49
excited about that too, because you became her big sister at that point.
32:53
Yeah. And that was, like, I think one of the first times I'd heard her
32:56
say it in a way that was just so natural. Mhmm. And
33:00
so it was a really good moment, and I spent, like, a week thinking
33:04
about it. I had to settle some stuff in my heart. Like, I knew I
33:07
was gonna say yes. It was just I needed to Yeah. Think it through. And
33:11
I think I was really happy because I told my wedding photographer, like, I really
33:14
want a photo of being walked down the aisle. Like, that is super important to
33:18
me. And she caught a really good one, and it's just really nice to have
33:20
that because it's something that, like, I didn't think I'd ever have
33:24
and was again in my grasp, and it felt like it wasn't there.
33:27
And It was just like it was just so supernatural how I started to flow
33:31
into your family and how, like, the lord just kinda fit me in there like
33:35
a puzzle piece. At the same time that I had to
33:38
accept that my dad wasn't gonna be in my life anymore, and I had to
33:42
stop the cycle myself and make the call that I didn't want him to be
33:45
in my life anymore, was the hardest decision I've made, but has also
33:49
been the best decision I've made for myself since because I was able to
33:53
finally heal. That father wound is actually finally being healed
33:57
and being closed because I don't have him anymore inflicting fresh
34:00
heart. It's still a process for sure. It's still a process. Like, I
34:04
miss him. Like, there's certain times of the year that, like,
34:08
they're great, but it's still, like, he missed that. And It's that challenge.
34:12
Like, I grew up with him. It wasn't just like I was really little when
34:15
it happened. And so and even if when you're little, it's hard. It's
34:19
so complicated to, like, talk about, like, what it's like with fatherlessness if
34:22
you haven't experienced it, but it really does feel like a piece of you is
34:26
gone. And I'm sure we'll get into it the next episode, but, like, I never
34:30
tried to replace your dad. Mhmm. And I never would try to do
34:34
that, presume to do that. Those early memories, I think, are so
34:37
important. The good memories that you've had of of your father. But just
34:41
to have that father Figure that heart.
34:45
That's what I wanted to give you. And we'll get into what it's like
34:48
having Yeah. You in our family these days as an adult,
34:52
adopted daughter. And I think that moment walking you down the aisle is kinda when
34:56
we officially made it official Yep. Ryu became our
34:59
daughter. Yeah. Where you became our kids' big sister. Yeah. We had 2 of
35:03
them in the wedding party and Yeah. We had the oldest as our DJ.
35:07
And so it was just like, the Lord really placed you in your
35:10
family the time that I needed it the most. And, you
35:14
know, for someone that was praying to have, like, There was times I just was
35:17
begging God for my dad. And I was like, or can you, like, give me
35:20
a father figure? Like, something. Like, I can't do this. And
35:24
It was, like, 8 years of prayer before I started to even see that fruit.
35:28
That is why I would tell my 18 year old self that it's gonna be
35:30
okay and not to change a thing because Of the
35:34
supernatural ways that things happen and when they happened and how they
35:37
happened. And it's like everything that happened before, it needed to happen,
35:41
and I wouldn't change a thing. So it's the lonely families.
35:45
I think we're gonna wrap it up there because, next episode, we're gonna talk
35:49
about Navigating the dynamics of having
35:53
an adult an adopted daughter join a family. What
35:57
it's like for you, what it's like for us, Some of the challenges
36:01
and some of the amazing things about it. Mhmm. And just what a
36:05
blessing it is. So until next week. Yeah.
36:10
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