Latest / The Virtual Couch / It’s a Me Thing, Dang It! - Strengthening Parent-Child Relationships From Changing Their Diapers to (Hopefully!) Them Changing Yours

Transcript

It’s a Me Thing, Dang It! - Strengthening Parent-Child Relationships From Changing Their Diapers to (Hopefully!) Them Changing Yours · The Virtual Couch

• 0:00
  One of the biggest challenges that I see as a therapist is that we truly have
• 0:04
  a hard time seeing outside of ourselves, because everything that's coming at
• 0:07
  us every second of every day, it is being viewed directly through our lens.
• 0:12
  It's our default setting.
• 0:14
  And that is part of the human experience. When you see something or when you
• 0:17
  hear something, you have to make a judgment.
• 0:20
  You're actually already making it immediately. Is it safe?
• 0:22
  Is it a threat? And if it's not a threat, is it funny?
• 0:25
  Or what did that person mean by that? Or how could they say that?
• 0:28
  Don't they know what that means to me?
• 0:30
  Don't we all basically agree on some general rules and tenets of society or of life?
• 0:35
  So again, our default setting with our observation of somebody's behavior is judgment.
• 0:41
  And at that point, we have already begun that judgment and the next steps are in motion.
• 0:46
  We're already thinking up our defense and we're ready to help that person really understand.
• 0:51
  Or we're not going to say what's really on our mind because they might get angry or they may leave us.
• 0:56
  So often we censor ourselves and then we start to build some resentment because
• 1:01
  of things that are happening immediately in our brains that we most likely aren't
• 1:05
  even aware of what we're not aware of.
• 1:08
  And that truly is tragic because little do we know that we're missing out on
• 1:13
  more opportunities than we're even aware of due to our defensiveness or due to our insecurities.
• 1:19
  And don't get me started on discomfort, even though actually we're gonna talk
• 1:23
  about that quite a bit today. But we don't like it.
• 1:25
  But what if I were to tell you that that is the very area of uncertainty and
• 1:30
  discomfort where we find the greatest opportunity for growth.
• 1:34
  Meanwhile, we want to do more of the things that make us feel good and less
• 1:38
  of the things that don't.
• 1:39
  And over time, we tend to then judge things, sometimes very harshly, especially ourselves.
• 1:45
  So So before we get to the meat of today's topic, I want to challenge you for
• 1:49
  the next 30 minutes or so to release your grip around judgment,
• 1:53
  around defending yourself, even in your mind, and acknowledge your default setting
• 1:58
  of pulling things in that make us feel better or pushing things away that we really don't like.
• 2:05
  And if you're already noticing yourself thinking, this may not be the episode for me,
• 2:10
  I want to invite you to acknowledge that that certainly is a thought and check
• 2:14
  that out because I'm sure here comes another thought and another one and another
• 2:20
  one and a feeling and maybe an emotion. But here's a thought.
• 2:23
  If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches and what was
• 2:28
  it that cured ham actually had in the first place?
• 2:31
  So see how quickly your mind can change to confusion, maybe laughter.
• 2:37
  It's just a process. So it can be an empowering one to learn to observe our
• 2:42
  thought patterns because they come and go so quickly. And isn't that fascinating?
• 2:48
  Okay, so give me just a few more minutes because I haven't even played the theme music.
• 2:52
  And I promise I'm not going to rickroll you with it.
• 2:55
  Although now that that thought is in my mind, but I really want you to be able
• 2:58
  to relax a little bit here as you're listening to what I'm about to say next. Go a little zen.
• 3:03
  I wanna share some things that I heard literally in a meditation today.
• 3:08
  So check that out. Did you make a quick judgment with the observation that I
• 3:11
  talked about meditation?
• 3:12
  Like is this guy honestly kinda out there a little bit? Is he sitting on a mat?
• 3:16
  I know he says he's bald, but I picture him with a ponytail and tall,
• 3:20
  thin, with a chiseled jaw.
• 3:22
  Okay, the last few were me picturing myself that way in a perfect world.
• 3:27
  But I am bald, not tall, and I really can't even sit with my legs crossed for long, but stay with me.
• 3:33
  But I'd like you to envision now that you are laying among tall grass,
• 3:38
  honestly, really, and you're gazing up toward the clear sky above.
• 3:43
  And as you're watching the sky, you see a transition from a sky without a single
• 3:49
  cloud, and then eventually clouds do begin to slowly fill up the sky.
• 3:54
  And then dark gray rain clouds come and the atmosphere starts to feel moody,
• 4:01
  darker, and then it starts to rain and thunder and lightning and you you get drenched, you get wet.
• 4:10
  But eventually those clouds just continue to move through the sky,
• 4:13
  they pass away until there is not a cloud left in the sky and you begin to notice
• 4:18
  that you're feeling dry.
• 4:20
  What I'd love to challenge is for you to try to do the same thing with your thoughts.
• 4:24
  Because often we'll start somewhat clear in our mind, not really thinking of
• 4:28
  much, and then thoughts come.
• 4:31
  And I want you to recognize as thoughts do come, don't try to manipulate them
• 4:36
  or suppress them, no identifying of them or judging them with whatever arises.
• 4:41
  And when those thoughts or feelings or emotions do arise, recognize that this
• 4:46
  thought or this feeling or this emotion, it's not you. I want to encourage you
• 4:53
  not to identify with the emotion.
• 4:56
  Simply give it space to be and then in time watch it pass away,
• 5:01
  colored by another thought or another feeling or another emotion and then another and then another.
• 5:08
  And it's true we may have preferences for certain thoughts and feelings and
• 5:12
  emotions in a similar way that we may have preferences for the weather.
• 5:16
  But it's also important to notice that even the weather that we may not love has purpose.
• 5:22
  If rain is not your favorite, but it's everything that we crave during a drought,
• 5:27
  then its purpose is beyond necessary and needed and valid.
• 5:31
  So in a similar way, so are our emotions.
• 5:35
  We need to be able to feel and process anger and frustration in order to release them.
• 5:42
  And in order to be healthy in the of the emotions.
• 5:49
  Because in order to appreciate joy and happiness in the moments when they are
• 5:54
  there, when they are present,
• 5:57
  then we need to also recognize that the feelings of sadness or anger or frustration are just as real.
• 6:06
  And ironically, when we allow ourselves to feel those and notice those feelings
• 6:11
  and those thoughts and those emotions,
• 6:13
  and not just try to immediately shove them away, then what we're starting to
• 6:17
  teach ourselves is we sit with any of the emotions that come into our brain,
• 6:23
  and then we can connect with those emotions and we'll be more in tune with what it feels like to be us.
• 6:29
  So when those moments of happiness or joy come, imagine this world where you
• 6:35
  aren't only thinking about when is this going to end, but this just is,
• 6:40
  I am here, I am experiencing this.
• 6:43
  And that is just such an empowering feeling and moment.
• 6:48
  Because then I can learn to be even more grateful when I experience joy.
• 6:52
  I can be more in the moment when I experience happiness. Know that all of your
• 6:56
  thoughts, all of your emotions, all of your experiences are truly here for a
• 7:00
  reason, and they can actually be for your good.
• 7:03
  Now, it's true, they soon will pass, just like the rain clouds did.
• 7:08
  And all of the thoughts and the feelings of emotions will eventually move through
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  you, even the ones that we want more of, the ones that we welcome.
• 7:16
  So with that understanding, then when they do come, embrace them. Welcome them.
• 7:21
  Being genuine, being real. Slowly but surely over time, I promise what it feels
• 7:27
  like to be you when you learn to be so much more present in the here and now,
• 7:32
  because you are able to be in touch with yourself.
• 7:35
  You are able to recognize and feel and see all the emotions that you had to
• 7:39
  stuff away when you were a kid and you maybe even have to now.
• 7:43
  Don't worry about it champ. It's not a big deal. That's not what they meant. You need to get over it.
• 7:48
  Well, you're an adult now. Now you are allowed to feel it, and you're allowed
• 7:52
  to think it, and you're allowed to be it.
• 7:54
  Because what our emotions and our thoughts and our feelings start to become,
• 7:59
  they're our personal instructors and they help us understand ourselves better,
• 8:04
  helping us take in the good within ourselves with more intention.
• 8:09
  And you become skilled and patient with all of your emotions,
• 8:14
  allowing them to move through you without becoming you. you may notice that
• 8:19
  you're getting angry, but you are not angry.
• 8:22
  You're, I'm Tony, how you doing? I am noticing that I am feeling worried,
• 8:28
  or I'm noticing that I'm feeling anxious, but I'm still Tony.
• 8:32
  Okay, so get ready, because assuming that you're not on a treadmill or not driving,
• 8:37
  you might be in a little bit more of a zen -like space.
• 8:40
  So that theme music, we're gonna bring it on here in just a second.
• 8:45
  Might sound a little loud, But then after that, we're going to get to today's
• 8:48
  topic and it's a good one.
• 8:49
  And it's about parenting. Yes. But it's more about how you get to a point to
• 8:54
  step outside of your comfort zone.
• 8:57
  The concept of parenting will address that, but it might even be more of a muse today.
• 9:02
  There's a Terence McKenna quote. I love it. He says, nature loves courage.
• 9:06
  You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles.
• 9:12
  Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under.
• 9:15
  It will lift you up. This is the trick.
• 9:18
  This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted who really
• 9:21
  he says touched the Alchemical gold this is what they understood.
• 9:26
  This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done It's
• 9:31
  by hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering that it's a feather bed,
• 9:37
  and that's one of those things where I wish now that when I get a new client
• 9:40
  in and and they want to know what could help them the most.
• 9:43
  If I could just give them a brief experience, I don't know, through a multivitamin,
• 9:47
  a pill, a shot, or something that would allow them to know what it can feel
• 9:51
  like to just be, to be accepting, to have gotten rid of the shame,
• 9:55
  to know that you are enough as you are, to know that you are a human being,
• 9:59
  not a human doing for others, to know that it's okay to have all of your own
• 10:04
  thoughts and feelings and emotions,
• 10:07
  then it can feel pretty incredible.
• 10:09
  Yeah, it still might feel a little scary to hurl yourself into an abyss,
• 10:13
  but man, that feather bed feels really good.
• 10:17
  Okay, let's cue the music.
• 10:20
  Music.
• 10:40
  Hey, everybody. Welcome to episode 402 of the virtual couch.
• 10:44
  I am your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist.
• 10:48
  And let me just suggest or ask you to sign up for the newsletter.
• 10:52
  My updated lower priced magnetic marriage course is coming out the first week
• 10:57
  of December and I am giddy.
• 10:59
  I am so excited. Seriously, if you are in a relationship, if you've been in
• 11:02
  one, if you want yours to be better, if it's for both of you,
• 11:06
  if it's for one of you, both of you ideally, but simply one of you because you
• 11:09
  don't know exactly what a healthy relationship looks like, this is it.
• 11:13
  And you are gonna hear more if you're on my mailing list or if you're watching
• 11:16
  reels on Instagram or videos on TikTok.
• 11:19
  I'm gonna be going big for the next few weeks, especially with some parts of the course.
• 11:23
  But okay, today's episode, as you heard in the opening, most likely has something
• 11:29
  to do about parenting adult children in the title.
• 11:31
  Because if not, the honest truth is I come up with the titles after I record.
• 11:35
  So it could be something completely different, but I want to let you know that
• 11:39
  this topic was one that I've been thinking about for quite a while and not,
• 11:43
  honestly, not in the context that eventually helped bring it to light.
• 11:47
  As I shared in the opening, so much of our experiences in life,
• 11:51
  I think I could actually make the argument that all of them start from us viewing
• 11:55
  things through the lens of our own life experience.
• 11:58
  So you have to be pretty aware and intentional even to try and see someone else's point of view.
• 12:05
  And then, heaven forbid, if you feel attacked by somebody else's point of view.
• 12:09
  It's man your battle stations.
• 12:11
  Because we not only have to defend our ego, but we also have to make sure that
• 12:14
  that person knows that what they are saying is wrong.
• 12:17
  Because even though I'm not them, I know that they are wrong.
• 12:20
  Can't be me, because I have a different opinion. And if their opinion doesn't
• 12:24
  line up with mine, then obviously they not only need to know that they are wrong,
• 12:28
  but they also need to know that I am right.
• 12:30
  So my Muse truly is an email that came in this week about another podcast I'm
• 12:36
  on with my daughter Mackie.
• 12:38
  It's her podcast, The Mind, The Mirror, and Me.
• 12:41
  And I very much recommend that one, especially there's that one of the episodes
• 12:46
  that's done really well over a lot of the others is one about solitude.
• 12:52
  So I highly recommend if you just want to go start, of course,
• 12:54
  you can start at the beginning, but I would recommend starting there. But here's a plug.
• 12:58
  I'm going to read you this email and Mackey and I ended up going deep on this
• 13:02
  email in particular on her podcast that will air probably a day or two after
• 13:08
  this episode of the virtual couch airs.
• 13:11
  But we took a look at different aspects of where this person might be coming
• 13:14
  from to get to the place where they would hear an episode of a podcast between
• 13:17
  a father and daughter, and then take the time to reach out.
• 13:20
  And I say that honestly, with a lot of empathy and compassion.
• 13:24
  So let me read you the email.
• 13:26
  And let me preface this by telling you that Mackie and I, and now me,
• 13:30
  Solo, have a tremendous, and I truly mean that, a tremendous amount of empathy,
• 13:34
  for the writer of the email.
• 13:36
  They're not a client, I don't know this person, so I'm not breaking confidentiality,
• 13:40
  and I absolutely feel for this person, and I'm grateful that they wrote,
• 13:43
  and I think you'll see why.
• 13:45
  So here's what they said. They said, I just started listening to you and Mackie
• 13:48
  talking together on The Mind, The Mirror, and Me, episode 12.
• 13:52
  You and Mackie were talking about how nice it is to be friends with your adult child.
• 13:56
  Then you said that the majority of the work to repair a parent -child relationship falls on the parent.
• 14:02
  It is the parent who needs to step outside of their ego and be willing to hear
• 14:06
  and understand things about their kids even if it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• 14:10
  Quoting you, you can have love or control.
• 14:13
  I have two adult sons, ages 33 and 31, who have estranged themselves.
• 14:17
  I have not chosen between love and control, I do not control them, and they do not love me.
• 14:22
  I have spoken with three different therapists and my pastor,
• 14:25
  they do not agree with you.
• 14:27
  What I have read does not match your statement. My sons are always welcome to
• 14:30
  return, and I am always available to talk.
• 14:33
  I am asking that you do a research -based episode on this topic based on issues
• 14:37
  related to this general age group.
• 14:39
  So, this isn't necessarily that I am wanting to defend myself,
• 14:43
  because I feel very confident from a place of healthy ego of the information
• 14:47
  I shared, because quite frankly, that is the relationship that I have with my adult children.
• 14:53
  And I know that it has taken a tremendous amount of effort of mine,
• 14:57
  and I know my wife's done a tremendous job there too, to step outside of our
• 15:01
  ego to try to learn to hear and understand them as people, as individuals.
• 15:06
  And even then it can be so difficult to say that, but I think you would do this
• 15:11
  better or I like when I can see you do this or I've always pictured that you're
• 15:15
  doing this or it would be better for you to do it this way, which is pretty
• 15:18
  interesting because there's a lot of me in those sentences.
• 15:21
  I can absolutely understand though why what I'm saying could be a challenge
• 15:26
  to hear and I thought this was a great topic to bring up too.
• 15:30
  I've brought it up with several of my clients as well as my men's group and
• 15:33
  there have been some amazing discussions there too.
• 15:36
  And so I did spend some time coming up with an outline and I want to own that
• 15:39
  typically I just enjoy speaking my thoughts, but I really wanted to try and
• 15:43
  express where I'm coming from as best as I could with this topic.
• 15:46
  So I did write a lot of this out and I'm sure I'll go off on some tangents and little jaunts as well.
• 15:51
  So if you're watching or listening on YouTube, I think I will use my editing
• 15:55
  software to scripts new pretty wild AI feature that I think it's called eye
• 16:00
  contact that makes it look like I am looking directly at the camera,
• 16:04
  but that's even if I'm reading off of some notes that are not directly in front of the camera.
• 16:10
  So if you haven't already checked that out, please do, just go to the YouTube channel.
• 16:14
  Of course, I would love it if while you're there to hit subscribe or like or
• 16:17
  what all the YouTube things are. But it is a really interesting thing.
• 16:21
  When I was using it the first couple of times, my podcast recording studio,
• 16:26
  I guess you could say, is over in a corner of my therapy office.
• 16:29
  And so I would show some people and say, does this look kind of creepy if you look up there?
• 16:33
  And I realized it's more of me thing that if you're just watching it looks like
• 16:37
  I'm just staring into the camera. It does have a little bit of eye movement.
• 16:41
  But so I want to jump back in and first continue the analogy that I started
• 16:45
  in the introduction about the weather and our ability to observe.
• 16:49
  So just as we gently transition from that peaceful meadow that we were talking
• 16:53
  about in our minds, where emotions pass just like that weather pattern,
• 16:57
  like the clouds in the sky, the rain, let's carry that mindfulness into the
• 17:01
  heart of our relationships.
• 17:03
  And specifically then I do want to talk about the connection between parents
• 17:06
  and their adult children.
• 17:07
  Because we're coming into this conversation and our past judgments and long
• 17:14
  -held expectations of what we thought our kids would do or say or who they would
• 17:19
  be or what parenting would be like,
• 17:21
  I think, really do cloud the relationship.
• 17:24
  Just like the unexpected rain clouds that can quickly darken a clear sky.
• 17:28
  So if you're a parent and you can intentionally try and step out of your ego
• 17:34
  and see where your child, and I think moving forward in this episode,
• 17:40
  please know that I will say kid or child.
• 17:43
  I'm primarily talking about your adult children, but I really do believe that
• 17:47
  if you can embrace these principles with your younger children,
• 17:49
  then you'll have a better relationship with them now and especially into the future.
• 17:54
  So back to the metaphor, the storms in these relationships, they don't just
• 17:58
  clear up without effort, but we think that they do.
• 18:02
  We so often think that if we just simply stop talking about things,
• 18:06
  I don't want to talk about this anymore, or you're really disappointing me to
• 18:09
  our kids, that then it will eventually get better.
• 18:12
  And I cannot stress this enough, here's another one to quote that I could see
• 18:16
  used against me, but the absence of bad in a relationship does not mean that it's good.
• 18:21
  And if you believe that your relationship is just good or thriving even,
• 18:27
  but if you stop for a minute and you get really honest with yourself,
• 18:30
  can you answer a lot of questions about your kid or your spouse?
• 18:35
  I want to challenge you a bit right now and say that you may not be aware of
• 18:39
  what you are not aware of,
• 18:41
  because there's a decent chance that if the person that you're in the relationship
• 18:44
  with, be it your spouse or your kid, that they may not feel like they can simply
• 18:48
  just talk about what they are thinking or feeling, because there might be a
• 18:52
  good chance that they're told they're wrong.
• 18:55
  And this goes back to that there isn't just a right and a wrong.
• 18:58
  It's not on or off, black or white, that they have all of their own experiences,
• 19:03
  and we all do, and so our opinions matter and are valid.
• 19:07
  And too often as a therapist, especially one that works with couples,
• 19:11
  you find that there's far more control than you're even aware of.
• 19:16
  And especially if it's the person who doesn't think that there's control,
• 19:19
  because that typically means that they are the one that can say, I don't like that.
• 19:22
  I don't feel like talking about it right now. That's ridiculous.
• 19:25
  Don't look at it that way. I always thought you would say this.
• 19:28
  Why don't you say it like that?
• 19:29
  Oftentimes, I look at that as if you feel like you are more task driven, or lesson giving.
• 19:34
  Or if you are curious by way of checkmark, meaning, how was your day? Pause 123.
• 19:42
  They answer fine. and then you get on to the task at hand.
• 19:46
  Okay, hey, did you get a chance to do your homework or can you take out the
• 19:49
  trash or are you behind in your classes right now?
• 19:52
  Or were you able to talk to your brother about the family reunion?
• 19:55
  Or if you ask a question, how was your day? So you can get to how your day was.
• 20:01
  Well, the boy, that one sounds easy. I wish I had your day.
• 20:04
  Or another one, if you find yourself getting antsy while the person is sharing
• 20:07
  about any of their experiences.
• 20:09
  And I think we've all probably had those situations where a parent,
• 20:13
  an adult parent, even a spouse, a friend, will ask a question and you are excited
• 20:19
  to tell them about what your experience is,
• 20:21
  and you can see their eyes start to move back and forth, and they get a little
• 20:25
  bit antsy, and you can tell, okay, they're ready to move on.
• 20:27
  And I will be honest, there are certain people or situations where I will even
• 20:31
  just say, but I'm just saying words, and they'll say, okay, good,
• 20:35
  let me tell you about what's going on.
• 20:36
  If that's the case, then the relationship may be more one -sided than you think.
• 20:40
  So, all I'm asking you to do, especially as for now, to take in data,
• 20:45
  your data, not anybody else's.
• 20:48
  And if your kid is out of the house and you don't check in on them often,
• 20:51
  if they are away at college, if they're married and you just think to yourself,
• 20:55
  well, they have a phone too.
• 20:57
  Or it's a two -way street, I just want to bring some awareness,
• 21:01
  bring some attention to the fact that you also can be the one to reach out and
• 21:06
  it doesn't have to be a, why don't you call me?
• 21:08
  Or why don't you I don't know any of those, but it could just be a thought about you today.
• 21:13
  Or here's a funny meme. Or here's a joke. Or whatever that looks like.
• 21:18
  And then another thing to check on is that if you are asking things and then
• 21:22
  they respond and then you just don't do anything with that, then that can start
• 21:26
  to feel like almost a form of rejection from the kid or from the spouse in that situation.
• 21:32
  And I know that sometimes people use things like if you have an iPhone that
• 21:35
  you can just respond with a thumbs up and they're people that use that almost
• 21:38
  passive -aggressively, but if you are looking at that from a more mature place,
• 21:42
  it really is a, hey, I see you, and I appreciate that.
• 21:46
  But I just want people to start by just gathering their own data.
• 21:50
  That's the place we often need to start. Is there any truth in what this what
• 21:53
  this podcast guy is saying?
• 21:54
  I love it. Somebody was telling me a little while ago that their spouse doesn't
• 21:59
  want them to bring any of the things that I say on any of my podcasts into their
• 22:05
  relationship because I'm just trying to make money.
• 22:07
  And boy, if you knew the plight of the podcaster, this is one of those things
• 22:11
  where you're doing it, there's a tremendous amount of time in preparing a podcast,
• 22:17
  recording the podcast, especially when you're just starting out.
• 22:20
  There's costs for hosting the podcast, for data.
• 22:23
  There's equipment costs. And even if you make it into the place where you are
• 22:28
  starting to make money with some advertisements or that sort of thing,
• 22:31
  if you're not a big, famous celebrity, it is not a break -even or make -money kind of venture.
• 22:37
  But it's something that you just feel you need to do, that you want to share
• 22:42
  information or provide entertainment.
• 22:44
  Or for me, it really is, if you've watched the genesis of the podcast all the
• 22:48
  way up to now, some seven, eight years later, I feel like it's been my own personal
• 22:52
  journey as a therapist, learning all these different tools and techniques and
• 22:55
  then presenting those and people that I enjoy talking to,
• 22:58
  because I just hope that that's gonna change the world. That's all, right?
• 23:02
  There's a fantastic Instagram account called The Secure Relationship.
• 23:06
  And I highly recommend you follow it.
• 23:10
  And I'll have a link to it in the show notes. But there's one post I think about
• 23:14
  often. It's called Responding to Your Partner's Reaches for Connection.
• 23:18
  And this could be viewed as, again, your partner, your child,
• 23:21
  and it just shows a guy, they're little cartoons, and the little guy is by a
• 23:26
  window and says, it looks like it might rain today.
• 23:28
  And the next picture shows a non -response to reach for connection,
• 23:32
  that's what they call it.
• 23:33
  The partner just looks at their phone and just says, mmm.
• 23:37
  And I might add that in a lot of relationships, they won't even say anything.
• 23:41
  And the other panel shows the two of them looking out the window,
• 23:45
  and the formerly non -responsive partner now says, it sure does, look at those clouds.
• 23:50
  And I think what's fascinating, and perhaps a bit uncomfortable,
• 23:54
  is that even in the simplest of
• 23:55
  interactions, we are often unaware of the message that we're putting off.
• 24:00
  And if right now, you are immediately reacting, even simply thinking,
• 24:04
  yeah, but that can be pretty exhausting to have to say, uh -huh,
• 24:07
  looks like rain every two or three minutes, then I would probably have to respond
• 24:11
  to that person all the time.
• 24:13
  And here's the interesting thing. If you make that judgment and then just move
• 24:17
  along based off of that information, you'll never have to find out what,
• 24:21
  in fact, could be, would it be exhausting.
• 24:24
  But you'll also never know if you're simply hooking to the, then I'll have to
• 24:28
  respond to something every three minutes of the day story.
• 24:30
  So now, technically, you're in control of the relationship. You don't even have
• 24:34
  to try and meet their emotional bid. their bid for connection.
• 24:37
  You now feel that you, because of what that feels like to be you,
• 24:41
  is, I will, I don't want to put in that effort, but I still want them to be
• 24:45
  there for me and provide me with my emotional needs.
• 24:48
  But then on the other hand, if you are aware that by them simply saying it looks
• 24:51
  like it might be rain today, and you've become apathetic and flat to that person,
• 24:56
  I mean, it really, it truly is a you issue.
• 24:59
  And you can own it. And you can just say, I'm sorry, I know I don't typically
• 25:02
  respond to a lot of the things that you say. Sometimes I'm not even aware.
• 25:05
  Sometimes I'm not sure what to say. What's that like for you?
• 25:09
  Because I'm not sure what to say. And that is how you start to build safety
• 25:13
  and security and a connection in the relationship.
• 25:16
  I might add that by the time that you've been in a relationship for a long period
• 25:19
  of time, there's a good chance that person already holds back on saying a lot
• 25:23
  of things that are on their mind.
• 25:24
  So for better or worse, when they make those bids and they aren't met,
• 25:28
  you can feel a deep sense of rejection.
• 25:30
  But if they say, hey, so when I say it looks like it might rain today,
• 25:34
  and you don't look up from your phone, be honest.
• 25:37
  Is that important to you? Or is that annoying for you? Because I feel like I
• 25:41
  come second to your phone.
• 25:42
  And then you can be honest. And if the person that was just asked that says,
• 25:47
  you know, truthfully, I don't see those things that you do as a question, but more of a statement.
• 25:52
  And now at least we're getting somewhere. The person making the reach for connection
• 25:55
  can say that what it feels like to be them is that when they do reach for connection
• 25:59
  in that manner, It's them asking, I just don't really feel like you see me or
• 26:03
  acknowledge me very often.
• 26:04
  It feels like you're not there for me. Can I count on you? Do you love me?
• 26:08
  And if the person who is non -responsive says, that's ridiculous.
• 26:11
  You said something and I didn't respond.
• 26:13
  Again, which partner is being unwilling to step out of their comfort zone to
• 26:17
  see if there's any truth in that statement or to self -examine and then talk
• 26:21
  about what they feel like they need to know to be seen.
• 26:25
  Or maybe they don't actually want to be seen or known by their partner because
• 26:29
  it's uncomfortable because they didn't see any part of that growing up.
• 26:33
  And if I put my four pillars into play, and I will go big right now and again
• 26:38
  say that just a couple of weeks away from launching the updated magnetic marriage
• 26:42
  course and I promise it is so good.
• 26:44
  I'm going to say that with a healthy ego because people we just don't know what
• 26:47
  we don't know in our adult relationships about how to communicate how to be
• 26:51
  there. how to sit with discomfort, how to have conversations from low charge
• 26:56
  to high charge topics, but I digress.
• 26:58
  Just go sign up in my newsletter right now and you'll find out more.
• 27:01
  And then come back and listen to the rest of this episode.
• 27:03
  And my four pillars in this situation, pre -pillar, it's new.
• 27:07
  Before pillar one, my pre -pillar is based off of Marshall Rosenberg's book,
• 27:11
  Nonviolent Communication.
• 27:13
  And it's the concept of observation and judgment.
• 27:16
  That when we observe something, we immediately make a judgment.
• 27:19
  So in this scenario, the person reaching for a connection, let's call that person, we'll call them Pat.
• 27:25
  Pat says, looks like it might rain today, and the partner, we'll call them Chris.
• 27:30
  Chris says either nothing, or Chris doesn't look up from their phone,
• 27:34
  and they simply just grunt.
• 27:37
  Pat can make that observation and immediately judge that Chris doesn't care
• 27:41
  about them, plain and simple.
• 27:43
  Be aware of that concept in order to get to my pillar one of assuming good intentions,
• 27:48
  or there's a reason why Chris didn't respond.
• 27:51
  Because if Pat has already made the judgment that you don't care,
• 27:54
  and then says, tell me more, and Chris doesn't start with anything other than, you know, I don't care.
• 28:00
  Well then, unfortunately, Pat can say, see, they're not even being honest with themselves.
• 28:03
  So that concept of just being able to separate your observation from your judgment,
• 28:08
  I really do feel is so important to get to my pillar one of assuming good intentions
• 28:13
  or there's a reason why somebody does what they do.
• 28:16
  So in this case, it might be hard to assume good intentions of somebody not
• 28:21
  responding, but there's also, there might be a reason why that person isn't responding.
• 28:26
  It could be a lot of things. It could be that they didn't hear Pat or they didn't
• 28:30
  know that there was an expectation to respond.
• 28:32
  Pillar two, then you can't tell the other person that what they're doing or
• 28:36
  saying or expecting or wondering is wrong,
• 28:39
  or you don't believe them, even if you don't, because the four pillars are there
• 28:43
  to keep the conversation going, to stay out of the proverbial conversational
• 28:47
  weeds so that you can learn more about your partner, about you,
• 28:50
  about the way you communicate.
• 28:52
  So in this scenario then, that pillar three is whoever jumps into the framework
• 28:57
  first is going to then ask questions before making comments.
• 29:01
  So in this scenario, let's say that Pat is the one that said,
• 29:03
  looks like rain and Chris grunts.
• 29:06
  So Pat's going to say, okay, I'm aware that I'm making this observation that
• 29:10
  they are just on their phone and not looking up.
• 29:13
  And I'm aware that the judgment that typically comes with that is this person
• 29:16
  doesn't give a crap about me.
• 29:18
  I don't think you have to click the explicit mark for that.
• 29:21
  And so then pillar two is that in this scenario,
• 29:25
  Pat needs to start recognizing that whatever is going to come next from Chris
• 29:30
  is they are not trying to hurt them and they can't tell them no and they can't
• 29:35
  say that's ridiculous because that is their opinion.
• 29:38
  So pillar three, questions before comments, because you can see that in this
• 29:42
  scenario, Pat could say, okay, fine, I'm going to assume good intentions,
• 29:45
  or there's got to be a reason why that Chris communicates the way that they do.
• 29:49
  And whatever they say next, I'm not going to say that's ridiculous or they're
• 29:52
  wrong, even if I think it is, because that's a me thing.
• 29:56
  Pillar three, if I just then said my comments before questions,
• 29:58
  and I just said, Hey, so this really hurts my feelings, and I think that you don't care about me.
• 30:03
  Well, that could feel like an attack now to Chris. And so, and then they could
• 30:08
  shut down, or they could come up big, or go victim, or get angry,
• 30:11
  or try to control that conversation.
• 30:13
  But if that pillar three is questions before comments, Hey, well,
• 30:17
  tell me about that. Tell me more about when I express something like that.
• 30:20
  Looks like rain. Take me on your train of thought.
• 30:23
  Help me understand what's going on for you there. Not in an attacking way,
• 30:27
  but I really want to know.
• 30:29
  And in that scenario then, the hope is that because this is a communication
• 30:33
  framework, then Chris could say, well, yeah, I don't think there's much for me to say.
• 30:39
  I mean, I felt like I was doing a nice job even just by going, hmm, grunting.
• 30:43
  And then in that scenario, my pillar four is they need to stay present,
• 30:46
  they need to lean in, they need to stay engaged, neither can go into their proverbial bunker.
• 30:51
  I don't like the word victim, but in this scenario, it is taking on more of a victim stance.
• 30:56
  So if Chris in this scenario said, you know, but I'm sure I handled it wrong
• 30:59
  and you're right, and I'm just a horrible person, which a lot of people do,
• 31:03
  they break my pillar four. Because in that scenario, if that's the way Chris
• 31:07
  shows up, then Pat's going to say no, it's okay.
• 31:10
  It's a meath. I probably shouldn't have even said it. It doesn't even really look like rain.
• 31:14
  What did what did patches do the same thing breaking
• 31:17
  my pillar four and now they're going
• 31:20
  to be uncomfortable and then at that case without
• 31:23
  a proper framework they may even get angry they might withdraw they might spend
• 31:27
  some time giving each other the silent treatment eventually this discomfort
• 31:30
  is just uncomfortable and maybe they have to go do something they have other
• 31:35
  responsibilities one of them says okay i eventually want to have sex with this
• 31:38
  other person so then And somebody pops their head out, says, hey, are we good?
• 31:44
  And the other person says, man, I would really like to stop feeling this way.
• 31:48
  So they're like, yeah, yeah, no, it's okay.
• 31:50
  So then they say, all right, we're good.
• 31:53
  That's that example of that the absence of bad does not equate to good.
• 31:58
  They missed out on an incredible opportunity to learn more about each other and themselves.
• 32:04
  So why am I spending this much time when we're talking parent -child dynamics?
• 32:08
  Because again, if there's a conversation happening between the parent and the
• 32:12
  child, it's up for the parent to jump into my framework, to drive change and
• 32:16
  model emotional maturity in the relationship.
• 32:19
  I think that the adult in that situation needs to jump into the framework and
• 32:23
  start up with the four pillars.
• 32:25
  The parent needs to see their adult child not showing up, not having conversations
• 32:30
  and has to assume good intentions.
• 32:32
  That was not the goal. We'll talk about that here in a little bit.
• 32:34
  We'll go all the way back to the research of John Bowlby himself of attachment.
• 32:42
  The child wants that relationship, wanted that relationship,
• 32:44
  but then when they feel like they just aren't doing it right or they're not
• 32:47
  enough or they're always getting it wrong, then over time, that starts to feel
• 32:50
  like not really a safe relationship.
• 32:53
  So if the parent in this situation gets to assume those good intentions and
• 32:56
  can't tell the kid whatever they're doing or saying or how they're showing up
• 33:00
  is wrong, then they can jump into that pillar three and ask questions before comments. Tell me more.
• 33:05
  What's that like? How you doing? Tell me about your job.
• 33:09
  And then the parent doesn't say well I think you should do this or this or they
• 33:13
  don't shut down and say I'm just a crummy bad parent then,
• 33:17
  So those four pillars can just become an incredible tool to use to even start
• 33:22
  to Change your interior landscape of your mind if you really do want that relationship with your kids.
• 33:30
  So we'll go back to the garden metaphor a little bit I think here's where I
• 33:33
  left off the storms in your relationship. Don't just clear up without effort.
• 33:36
  Again, you can't just stop trying and think things are going to get better.
• 33:40
  You can't completely repair the relationship simply by listening to a podcast
• 33:43
  or looking at Instagram.
• 33:44
  You have to do the work. You have to go to therapy, take courses,
• 33:46
  a class, self -confront, learn to step outside of yourself, because if you continue
• 33:50
  to surround yourself with thoughts that you're right, they don't get it,
• 33:53
  I don't want to do that. And it's easier not to do something.
• 33:55
  The kids are too much. What about me? Et cetera, et cetera.
• 33:58
  Then you are going to also need to accept that your children most likely will
• 34:01
  reach a time where they will not be willing or able to put in the effort to
• 34:05
  try and keep the relationship going.
• 34:07
  And at some point, they might be the ones that are in charge of your medications
• 34:10
  or might have to clean up the mess if you're wearing an adult diaper.
• 34:15
  So if you feel like, hey, well, they have a phone too, then I would venture
• 34:18
  to say that there have been some
• 34:20
  long periods where there wasn't a lot of curiosity in the relationship.
• 34:23
  So that person, the child, they had to figure out a way to get their own validation,
• 34:28
  meet their own needs, and I promise you, without judgment, that wasn't what
• 34:32
  they had hoped for throughout their life. They might not even be necessarily aware of that.
• 34:37
  So I said John Bowlby, but let me actually tell you about Harry Harlow.
• 34:40
  Harry Harlow was an American psychologist who was widely known for his work
• 34:43
  with maternal separation, dependency needs, and social isolation experiments, typically on monkeys.
• 34:49
  But Harlow's experiments in the 50s with these baby monkeys provided groundbreaking
• 34:53
  insights into the nature of attachment.
• 34:55
  Because in these studies, these baby monkeys were separated from their mothers
• 34:58
  and given two surrogate mothers. one made of wire and equipped with a feeding
• 35:03
  bottle, and the other made of soft cloth, but without food.
• 35:07
  And the studies revealed over and over that the baby monkeys preferred the cloth
• 35:10
  surrogate clinging to it for comfort, especially when frightened,
• 35:14
  despite the wire surrogate providing the essential nourishment.
• 35:18
  What we learned there was comfort over basic needs, that the monkeys preferred
• 35:22
  the comfort and security provided by the soft cloth surrogate mother,
• 35:25
  and I always thought that the cloth also smelled like the mom.
• 35:29
  But over the basic need for food from the wire mother. And this demonstrated
• 35:32
  a fundamental psychological need for warmth, comfort, and security,
• 35:36
  and attachment beyond just the physical needs.
• 35:39
  And from long -term effects, a study also showed that deprivation of a nurturing
• 35:42
  figure had long -term impacts on the monkey's development.
• 35:46
  It affected their ability to socialize and form relationships into adulthood.
• 35:50
  And I remember doing a podcast on this at one point and having one of my clients,
• 35:54
  I think I said in it that the monkeys actually started wearing leather jackets
• 35:58
  and smoking cigarettes and playing dice and doing all kinds of nefarious things.
• 36:02
  And the person said, really? I was like, no, just kidding. But they were pretty
• 36:06
  depressed and they would, they were isolated.
• 36:08
  And then, relating this to humans, human children and parental connection,
• 36:14
  the essence of Harlow's findings, I think, can be extrapolated to human behavior,
• 36:18
  particularly in the context of the child -parent relationship,
• 36:21
  because children, much like these baby monkeys, are wired to seek connection
• 36:25
  and comfort from their parents.
• 36:27
  And this need for emotional security and attachment, it's profound and it's
• 36:30
  deep and it often supersedes other needs.
• 36:32
  So when a parent is physically present, but emotionally unavailable,
• 36:36
  and this is where I want to say, I say, give yourself grace to the parent if
• 36:41
  you didn't know what you didn't know, you were, you grew up the way you did.
• 36:44
  And so you probably or maybe didn't have the tools that you needed.
• 36:48
  And it takes a lot of work to go find the tools and to sit with the discomfort
• 36:51
  and to practice and to deal with your own rejection and abandonment.
• 36:55
  Because we always hope that we'll have these little kids and they'll be adorable
• 36:58
  and they will never do anything wrong and they'll love us and and everything
• 37:00
  will be perfect and great, but it becomes an opportunity for growth.
• 37:05
  Boy does it with your kids.
• 37:06
  And I'm saying that in a good way because I can either continue to take a victim
• 37:10
  stance and say why don't they ever reach out or I can say, okay,
• 37:14
  I need to be more curious and understand.
• 37:16
  So it can create a sense of insecurity and attachment and anxiety in kids.
• 37:21
  They may still gravitate toward the parent because they're going to seek that
• 37:24
  innate comfort and connection.
• 37:26
  And then even when the parent isn't fully responsive, they're still going to try to show up.
• 37:29
  But this longing for attachment, it's a powerful drive and it is so deeply embedded
• 37:34
  in our psychological makeup that it's just important for parents to recognize
• 37:38
  that this is an inherent need in their children.
• 37:41
  So understanding that a child's behavior, especially their attempts to connect
• 37:45
  or their responses to perceived emotional absence, is often rooted in this fundamental
• 37:51
  desire for a secure and comforting attachment.
• 37:53
  And the kid is still the kid. They are still less in age than you are as an adult.
• 37:58
  And so they are still – they may have a completely immature way of trying to
• 38:03
  get those needs met. they may have tried at times and seen that their parent is unavailable.
• 38:07
  But this knowledge, I think, can be transformative for parents who are wanting
• 38:11
  to work to repair strained relationships with their adult children because it
• 38:15
  highlights the importance of being emotionally present and available,
• 38:19
  of providing not just the physical necessities, but also the emotional support
• 38:22
  and security that children seek from a very young age and often continue to seek into adulthood.
• 38:28
  And I work with a lot of people that then say, okay, I do, I feel like I can
• 38:30
  provide the the physical, the financial, and is that enough?
• 38:35
  And from an acceptance standpoint, that's a great place to start.
• 38:38
  It really is, because that is still maintaining a connection.
• 38:43
  And so, that can often be a lifeline, but can also then be an opportunity to
• 38:48
  then also still try to lean into that discomfort of trying to be emotionally present.
• 38:54
  So, one more thing about Harlow, that study, it underscores the critical role
• 38:59
  of emotional nurturing in the healthy development of children,
• 39:02
  but then also this lasting impact of these attachment experiences.
• 39:06
  So, it reinforces the idea that kids naturally seek connection with their parents,
• 39:11
  even in challenging circumstances,
• 39:13
  even in times of abuse, because there are a lot of studies and research in the
• 39:18
  field of developmental psychology and in child psychology that have indicated
• 39:21
  that even children who experience abuse often continue to seek attachment with
• 39:24
  their parental figures.
• 39:26
  And this phenomenon, it's rooted in these same basic psychological needs of
• 39:30
  children for safety and security and attachment, which are often sought from
• 39:35
  their primary caregivers again, regardless of the nature of the care provided.
• 39:39
  And some of those examples are the concepts of traumatic bonding,
• 39:43
  the trauma bond, and this is that concept of intermittent reinforcement.
• 39:47
  I did an episode of this on my Waking Up to Narcissism podcast,
• 39:50
  where one of the key concepts of explaining this behavior of trauma bonding,
• 39:55
  or often also viewed as Stockholm Syndrome, but it refers to the development
• 39:59
  of a strong emotional ties between two people where one person intermittently provides both abuse,
• 40:05
  threatens, maybe harasses, intimidates the other, but then they also provide the reward.
• 40:11
  And often, I think if we're just being pretty real, that by nature,
• 40:16
  children almost have this trauma bond with their parent because their parent
• 40:19
  is both the punisher and the rewarder, that they provide the sustenance for
• 40:24
  life itself and then they also take away their phone.
• 40:26
  So then despite this adverse treatment, then over time, the victim develops
• 40:32
  both positive feelings toward the abuser in this case, and maybe even start
• 40:36
  to defend their actions.
• 40:38
  I mean, that's the dramatic version, the Stockholm Syndrome version,
• 40:40
  but that traumatic bond, I think, is part of a parent -child relationship until
• 40:45
  the, hopefully, parent can start to recognize the need for more emotional consistency.
• 40:50
  Because that's that concept where I talk about learning early on in my own relationships
• 40:54
  with my kids or in my marriage where I may come in and be super excited and
• 41:00
  happy and everything's great.
• 41:01
  But then I might have had a bad day and I'm down and shut down and I need everybody to back off.
• 41:06
  I can provide the stability and safety and the excitement and then I can also
• 41:10
  be the one that people are trying to walk on eggshells around and that's just not fair for the kids.
• 41:16
  There's a lot of studies around attachment theory and disorganized attachment
• 41:19
  that research based on attachment theory.
• 41:21
  This is where it was initially developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth,
• 41:24
  and that also provides a lot of insight here.
• 41:27
  They identify disorganized attachment as a pattern seen in some children who
• 41:30
  experience emotional abuse or physical abuse.
• 41:35
  And these kids often, they have this confusing mix of behavior,
• 41:38
  often showing signs of wanting to be close to a caregiver, but also showing fear or resistance.
• 41:42
  And this is where I think that sometimes that just emotional unavailability
• 41:46
  of a parent, and that's where I can say back to the parent not knowing what
• 41:50
  they don't know, not even necessarily doing it from a place of awareness.
• 41:54
  But then that child's instinct to seek comfort and security from the caregiver,
• 41:58
  then it becomes conflicted due to the caregiver being the source of the fear or harm.
• 42:01
  And there's these longitudinal studies that have followed children through to
• 42:05
  adulthood finding that those who experienced abuse often still maintain a desire
• 42:09
  for approval and love and connection from even the abusive parent,
• 42:13
  but yet they're unable to get that need met.
• 42:15
  And then that can start to cause symptoms of depression or extreme anxiety.
• 42:20
  But these studies suggest that the innate need for a parental attachment can
• 42:23
  persist despite negative experiences and why there's often a belief that deep
• 42:28
  within the psyche of the child, even into adulthood, is this desire to still
• 42:32
  hear those words, hey, I love you.
• 42:35
  And then just clinical observations, I think any clinician working,
• 42:39
  especially in child psychology and child psychiatry, have observed that children
• 42:43
  often retain emotional attachment to parents, regardless of what kind of treatment was there.
• 42:49
  And they note that children might rationalize or minimize the abuse or whatever
• 42:53
  that experience was growing up to, in essence, maintain hope for a loving relationship.
• 42:59
  And then there's just empirical research, empirical data from developmental
• 43:03
  psychology and shows that children still have this innate drive to form attachment
• 43:07
  bonds because they are crucial for their survival.
• 43:09
  And then they go throughout the
• 43:11
  rest of their life in essence feeling this fear of a lack of attachment.
• 43:16
  And then that attachment drive supersedes the quality of care received and that
• 43:20
  can lead to situations where children will remain seeking attachment.
• 43:24
  But then if they feel like there's a rejection there then what it happens is
• 43:28
  it's manifested again in their own unhealthy relationships.
• 43:32
  And again, it's important to note that these studies, these tendencies don't
• 43:35
  mean that the situation is this is an all or nothing or this is always the case,
• 43:39
  but it just highlights that there's a lot of complexity and a lot of times these
• 43:44
  ways seem counterintuitive the way that human psychology responds to these early life experiences.
• 43:50
  Here's where I want to check in and say that I am in no way saying that in the
• 43:55
  case of the person reaching out that this is purely their problem or that it's
• 43:58
  their fault, that I'm not assigning fault or blame,
• 44:00
  but really stating that this is in fact the evidence to show that there's a
• 44:04
  deep desire for connection from a child.
• 44:06
  And that sometimes even when the parent means well and they push their children
• 44:09
  hard and even when their children succeed and we could define even what success
• 44:13
  is, that that doesn't mean that there will be a relationship between the child
• 44:16
  and the parent in adulthood.
• 44:17
  So I wonder if then when somebody sees another parent -child relationship,
• 44:21
  take my daughter Mackie and I on the podcast,
• 44:23
  or I think one of the funniest scenes ever that I've ever done in podcasting,
• 44:27
  which sounds so off now when I say it's in the Murder on the Couch,
• 44:32
  the Danello Cavalcante episode.
• 44:34
  But just trust me, if you go to that episode of Murder on the Couch,
• 44:37
  go to minute nine and a half and watch the next two minutes, two and a half minutes.
• 44:41
  I think it's one of the funniest things I've ever experienced.
• 44:44
  But also my daughter Sydney and I, we had a funny exchange, but I received emails
• 44:50
  and comments about that as well, that she must feel safe to say some of the
• 44:53
  things that she did and for us to have the exchange that we did.
• 44:56
  So here comes the observation and judgment of others that we must have just
• 45:00
  got lucky or whatever that might be, or it's because I'm a therapist,
• 45:03
  but it can't mean that somebody else could have a similar relationship with their adult kid.
• 45:07
  But I'm literally seeing two clients right now, one I was already working with
• 45:11
  and the other who I had seen a long time ago, but both who after seeing some
• 45:14
  of these interactions between my daughters and I have said they would like to
• 45:18
  work on that, a better relationship with their adult children.
• 45:22
  And if some of you just observed that statement and judged, okay,
• 45:26
  egomaniac, get the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast now, then see if you can
• 45:30
  separate that observation from the judgment so that you can take a look inside
• 45:34
  and self -confront and possibly even start to grow that relationship if that
• 45:37
  is something that you want to grow.
• 45:40
  Okay, I think we need to just maybe skip the remainder of the garden metaphor but
• 45:43
  okay well I mean what I've been saying the last few minutes I think was more in
• 45:46
  the moment so here we're back to the things I wrote out we'll see
• 45:49
  now I think you'll be able to tell that they were written out but
• 45:52
  but I do think that even as I wax somewhat poetic there was
• 45:55
  something to possibly take away so humor me here we go so your children require
• 45:59
  the nurturing son of patience boy you can tell that now right so your children
• 46:03
  require the nurturing son of patience and the gentle wind of understanding to
• 46:07
  blow away the remnants of a downpour parents in particular hold a unique position
• 46:11
  of power They're like the climate in which these family relationships have grown.
• 46:15
  And just like the climate can influence the weather, parents can greatly influence
• 46:18
  the healing and growing process of their relationship with their adult children.
• 46:23
  And so we did just talk about giving space to our emotions without becoming them.
• 46:28
  So on a similar note, a parent can learn to give space to their adult children
• 46:31
  and acknowledge their autonomy while still being supportive and in a stabilizing presence.
• 46:37
  As parents, letting go of judgments and the desire to control,
• 46:40
  or I think this is one of the keys to hastily fix things is crucial.
• 46:44
  Because like our own emotions, our children have their own and their own purpose
• 46:48
  and their own paths to follow.
• 46:49
  So they need the room to express themselves and be asked, tell me more.
• 46:53
  To experience life storms and sunny days with us as their witnesses.
• 46:57
  They're beside them, not their
• 46:58
  directors or not the ones that are saying this is what you have to do.
• 47:02
  So then, as we've seen, change in the sky, in our emotions, and in our children is constant.
• 47:08
  And it's not about the speed at which we repair or build the relationships,
• 47:12
  because that's gonna differ.
• 47:13
  Your mileage may vary, but it's about the quality and the intention we bring
• 47:16
  to them day by day, moment by moment.
• 47:19
  Our patience then, it becomes basically the soil where trust can start to take
• 47:24
  hold after being shaken by life storms or by the situations that we've been in.
• 47:29
  And we're not just repairing, we're starting to nurture growth,
• 47:32
  which in turn encourages resilience.
• 47:35
  And we're even gonna be able to model to our kids that I may not have got it
• 47:39
  right, or I may have just been trying and doing, but I can still try and do and repair.
• 47:45
  And that just respects both the parent and the child, especially the adult child
• 47:50
  as individuals, each with their own complex emotional landscapes.
• 47:54
  I really want people to embrace this whole process with the same mindfulness
• 47:57
  that we apply to watching our thoughts, a non -judgmental stance,
• 48:01
  and a recognition that this moment, right now, is an opportunity and a commitment
• 48:06
  to be present and compassionate.
• 48:08
  Because in doing so, we start to become the person that our adult children will
• 48:12
  eventually be able to turn to when and if they are ready to reestablish that
• 48:15
  connection, knowing that it's a relationship worth waiting for.
• 48:18
  Like the clear sky after a storm, ready to be appreciated in its full splendor once again.
• 48:23
  I kind of go back to what we talked about in the beginning, that knowing.
• 48:27
  What the relationship felt like and if it did not feel like there was a connection
• 48:32
  or you feel hurt now to know that because now that I know this feeling that
• 48:36
  that means that there is another type of feeling that I could feel that could
• 48:39
  be just the love of our adult children and the connection can just be something
• 48:46
  that we've never experienced before.
• 48:48
  Now here, I did find a metaphor that was not exactly about the topic we're talking
• 48:53
  about today, but I took it and I edited it and I ran with it.
• 48:56
  So I'll go through this one. Imagine a garden where a young tree is planted.
• 49:00
  Like a child, this tree relies heavily on the gardener, the parent,
• 49:05
  for care, water, sunlight, protection from harsh elements, and to support it as it grows.
• 49:11
  So the gardener's consistent attention, I love the word consistency here,
• 49:15
  and nurturing allow the tree to flourish, developing deep roots and strong branches.
• 49:20
  So let's think about attachment theory, which suggests that children,
• 49:22
  again, are biologically programmed to form connections with their caregivers.
• 49:26
  These early bonds aren't just for physical survival, but in emotional security as well.
• 49:30
  So just as a tree naturally leans toward the sun, children do instinctively
• 49:34
  see closeness and comfort from their parents.
• 49:36
  And it's a bond that is etched deeply within.
• 49:39
  And it's in this foundational blueprint of their sense of safety in the world.
• 49:43
  So, even at times when care has been less than ideal, even when there have been
• 49:47
  seasons of neglect or scars of harsh treatment,
• 49:50
  the tree can still bear those marks, but it still stands strong and it still
• 49:53
  reaches out with whatever branches it has left looking for the sunlight,
• 49:57
  for nutrients, for the gardener's return.
• 50:00
  So that resilience is continually mirrored in the hearts of kids,
• 50:03
  even as they grow into adults.
• 50:05
  There's just that enduring hope, sometimes conscious, sometimes buried deep
• 50:08
  within, that the parent will return to the garden, will begin to tend to the
• 50:12
  wounds, will offer the care that they were missing.
• 50:14
  The child, even in adult form, may still harbor that fundamental yearning for connection.
• 50:19
  But then that critical truth, the responsibility of healing the garden,
• 50:23
  rests with the gardener.
• 50:24
  The tree, or the child, is not responsible for initiating the repair of or neglect
• 50:28
  it endured when it was most vulnerable, when it was like a little sapling.
• 50:33
  So if you did just feel judgment in that statement, it's not intended,
• 50:37
  because I think it's safe to say that as a child, we really didn't know what we didn't know either.
• 50:41
  We weren't supposed to be the ones trying to manage our parents' emotions or
• 50:44
  trying to read the room to see if mom and dad were mad and if it was a good time to ask for help.
• 50:48
  It's the gardener, the parent who must pick up the tools, the tools of apology,
• 50:52
  acknowledgement, patience, and a consistent effort and begin the painstaking
• 50:55
  work of mending what's been broken.
• 50:58
  Now, when the parent steps back into the garden with a genuine intention to
• 51:01
  heal, they are reaching out to those primal attachment needs,
• 51:04
  and they're offering a chance for the roots to strengthen and to grow new,
• 51:08
  healthier branches, and they will emerge.
• 51:11
  Now, it doesn't erase the past, and that's okay, but it can start a new chapter,
• 51:15
  one where growth is possible, where the relationship can find a new form,
• 51:19
  and the relationship can be new and adapt and survive and perhaps even thrive
• 51:23
  in ways that it never has before.
• 51:25
  So the child's internal drive to connect, to find that parental bond is still so strong.
• 51:31
  And it's, it's basically, it's a testament to the resilience of the human spirit
• 51:35
  and it speaks to the potential.
• 51:37
  And I think that's so key, the potential that remains no matter how grown the
• 51:40
  child or how weathered the tree.
• 51:42
  And if the parent can approach with humility, willing to understand and nurture
• 51:46
  the possibility for a renewed relationship is always there.
• 51:48
  I believe waiting kind of like the tree for care and connection.
• 51:52
  Okay, and what does this even look like in real life?
• 51:55
  You know, I was talking to a friend as I was putting this episode together,
• 51:57
  and I love what she had to say.
• 51:59
  She was agreeing, saying that it can be as simple as saying,
• 52:01
  I see you, to your adult kid, meaning, happy birthday, or hey,
• 52:05
  I drove by the park where, or near our old house, and I remembered fun times
• 52:09
  there, and I hope you're having a great day. And what is that exchange missing?
• 52:14
  It's the, and hey, you could call me too, or the guilt trip,
• 52:17
  or the shame, or you know, this is a two -sided street, or I guess not a two
• 52:21
  -sided, this is a two -way street, or you're not calling me either.
• 52:24
  And you can take interest in what they're doing and that can be enough for now.
• 52:28
  You know, hey, I've never asked you about your job. Honestly,
• 52:30
  tell me about it. But then if you do put that out there and you notice that
• 52:34
  you want to tell them, yeah, I don't really understand it and I don't even know why you do it.
• 52:38
  But I, and I love that she was talking with another friend and that they broke
• 52:42
  this all down all the way to the, you know what, I'm just glad you're here.
• 52:46
  I'm glad you're alive and breathing.
• 52:49
  Because truthfully, she was talking about being a fan of true crime.
• 52:52
  So, she also shared a story about recently going to a kid's activity just for
• 52:56
  the simple reason that she wanted to see her kid perform and it wasn't about
• 52:59
  comparing her kid or critiquing her kid.
• 53:01
  It was simply to be because she was so grateful that her kid was her kid and
• 53:06
  that her kid was doing something that she enjoyed.
• 53:08
  And she didn't need praise or validation and all these things,
• 53:11
  these suggestions, these are things that you can do.
• 53:14
  They don't require the other person to interact. It's always nice if they do,
• 53:18
  but that's not necessary because
• 53:20
  at that point, I feel like we're back to making things transactional.
• 53:23
  And I could tell so many stories about this over the years and I'll change a
• 53:26
  lot of this next, the details of this next one just because I'm a therapist,
• 53:30
  but there was someone that I was working with for quite a while and they would
• 53:34
  attend everything that their child was going to and I believe it was a real
• 53:39
  case of parental alienation by the mom in this scenario.
• 53:44
  And I was working with the dad and the dad would just continue to hang in there
• 53:48
  and go and be and just show up and be a presence. And over time,
• 53:52
  it really did make a difference.
• 53:53
  But in the journey, I think of repairing the bond, then again,
• 53:56
  between a parent and an adult child, there, I think it's safe to say,
• 53:59
  there will be rough patches and there will be moments of profound discouragement.
• 54:03
  There are going to be times where the adult child may seem distant or uninterested
• 54:06
  in mending the relationship.
• 54:07
  And I will acknowledge this, I can't imagine. It would be incredibly challenging
• 54:10
  for a parent who's come to realize maybe the things they didn't know that they
• 54:15
  didn't know that have impacted the relationship now, things that happened in the past.
• 54:19
  And if the parent is now eager to make amends, that can be difficult.
• 54:22
  But I think it's essential to recognize that an adult's child's reluctance or
• 54:28
  refusal to engage, it's not a simple, on -the -spot, one -time decision.
• 54:33
  Sometimes it's a protective response or one that's probably been years in the making.
• 54:37
  And it may be rooted in a deep -seated need to safeguard their own well -being.
• 54:41
  Because I think we've all been in those positions where you put yourself out
• 54:44
  there and you're met with rejection.
• 54:47
  And over time, that can be really difficult. You know, this becomes almost this
• 54:51
  mechanism that was necessary for their own emotional survival.
• 54:56
  So if you're that parent reaching out, remember that your child's unresponsiveness
• 55:00
  does not reflect a failure in your current efforts.
• 55:03
  And I think that's so key, because you are doing the best you can right now.
• 55:08
  Like we've said earlier in this podcast, ruminating about what happened in the
• 55:13
  past isn't very helpful or productive, and then worrying about what happens
• 55:16
  in the future while it's normal, isn't going to get you very far.
• 55:19
  So their unresponsiveness doesn't reflect the failure in your current efforts,
• 55:23
  but it may rather be more of a testament to the depth of the past hurts that they're experiencing.
• 55:28
  I want to stress this reality isn't a signal for the parent to then say,
• 55:33
  well, there goes all my responsibility.
• 55:35
  I'm done. I tried because I really think it's the opposite.
• 55:38
  We'll go back to this analogy, just as a gardener doesn't stop watering a plant
• 55:41
  because it hasn't yet borne flowers.
• 55:43
  I think the parent's role in reaching out must be consistent and patient,
• 55:48
  consistency and patience undeterred by immediate results.
• 55:51
  And that is a sign of emotional maturity of sitting with that discomfort and
• 55:55
  continuing to do a value -based thing that you feel is the right thing.
• 55:59
  Now, you may feel it is the wrong thing and then I'm not trying to talk you
• 56:02
  into trying to repair a relationship if you truly feel like it is,
• 56:05
  I've done everything I can do.
• 56:06
  If you have, then I give you a tremendous amount of empathy because that would
• 56:09
  be hard, it really would.
• 56:11
  So this perseverance isn't rooted in expectation again, but in a deep sense
• 56:14
  of commitment to doing what is right, assuming that you believe that it truly is right.
• 56:19
  And it's not about waiting for the adult child to make the first move because
• 56:22
  that would be repeating a pattern of placing the burden on the child's shoulders,
• 56:26
  expecting them to seek the validation that they once were denied.
• 56:30
  So approaching this path from a stance of acceptance, and this is one of my
• 56:34
  favorite things about acceptance and commitment therapy, it doesn't mean condoning
• 56:37
  or what has happened or abandoning the hope of reconciliation.
• 56:41
  Acceptance does not mean apathy.
• 56:43
  Acceptance is about embracing the full reality of the situation,
• 56:46
  the hurt, the loss, the longing for connection without defense or without denial.
• 56:51
  That it means Acceptance means acknowledging the past without being caught up
• 56:55
  by it. It's recognizing that you cannot change what has occurred.
• 56:59
  You just can't. But you can change the course of the future through your actions
• 57:02
  and responses in the very present moment.
• 57:04
  And it's understanding that the journey of repair, it most likely will be a
• 57:09
  solitary one for a little while, but it's worth embarking on regardless of the
• 57:12
  outcome because I would hate for people to live in that world of regret.
• 57:16
  What an opportunity to grow. Oh, that journey is about nurturing a space of
• 57:20
  empathy and compassion, patience, and unwavering commitment.
• 57:24
  It's not about judgments or
• 57:25
  expectations. It's about an open heart and the willingness to understand.
• 57:28
  And it's committing to a process that may never be acknowledged by the adult child.
• 57:33
  But look at what you're modeling that person, to never give up.
• 57:36
  And that becomes pretty vital. And it's a parent holding space for their child's
• 57:40
  pain and their healing, choosing to be a source of stability and love, even if from a distance.
• 57:45
  So, the true essence of a relationship's healing, I think, and I've said it
• 57:50
  now in a lot of different ways, I truly believe begins with the parent,
• 57:54
  grounded in real empathy, not as a strategy or a checkbox, but as a genuine
• 57:58
  expression of understanding and love and a consistent, dependable presence.
• 58:03
  A lack of patience, I think, in parents, I think that can sometimes signal an
• 58:08
  area of maybe their own emotional immaturity.
• 58:10
  This is not about casting blame or pointing fingers, because I go back to the
• 58:14
  fact that we are all on our own journey, and until we learn something, we didn't know it.
• 58:19
  And often parents want to see immediate results because sitting with discomfort feels intolerable.
• 58:24
  And I am not saying that you have to do that, but man, it is an area of growth.
• 58:28
  Because it's human nature to look for resolution, to find a way out of the pain,
• 58:33
  especially of something like an estrangement, as quick and fast as you can.
• 58:37
  But the complex emotions and defenses an adult child has built up over the years
• 58:41
  aren't walls that can be demolished in one shot.
• 58:44
  Because there's those layers upon layers of experience that need careful and patient tending.
• 58:49
  And if, I think I often see somebody that will have the impulse to say,
• 58:53
  hey, I tried. After an initial effort, maybe even a week or two,
• 58:56
  I call that the shelf life.
• 58:58
  But if they aren't met with the response that they hoped for,
• 59:01
  then they often want to say, I'm done. And that too is protective reflex.
• 59:06
  You know, this emotional safeguard against the vulnerability that comes with
• 59:09
  waiting and hoping for something that may not happen on our timeline, if at all.
• 59:14
  But this is exactly where growth occurs. It's one of those concepts,
• 59:18
  I think, when you talk about a religion where we talk about often faith,
• 59:21
  where it's the belief in things that we can't see, but we sure hope for them.
• 59:25
  And in that context, we often talk about what a what an opportunity for growth.
• 59:30
  So when a parent can step beyond the immediacy of their own discomfort and commit
• 59:33
  to the long haul, recognizing that the rift didn't appear overnight and won't
• 59:37
  heal overnight either, that, in my opinion, embodies a deeper level of maturity.
• 59:42
  I talk about often Rick Hansen from the book, The Buddha Brain,
• 59:45
  talks about your implicit memory or what it feels like to be you.
• 59:49
  And it's based off of the slow residue of lived experience.
• 59:53
  So I think it's pretty crucial to acknowledge that repairing a fractured relationship
• 59:56
  is most likely also about the slow residue of lived experience.
• 1:00:00
  Because every small, probably even unnoticed act of love is like a deposit in
• 1:00:07
  picture this long overdrawn bank account.
• 1:00:10
  Because over time, these acts do start to accumulate, and they create a new
• 1:00:15
  history that can begin to counterbalance the old.
• 1:00:17
  And I think it's so important when you think about that concept of implicit
• 1:00:20
  memory, that it starts with you.
• 1:00:22
  It's in essence like you know how big your bank balance is, your emotional bank balance is.
• 1:00:27
  We still want to sometimes go around and say, hey, here's my bank balance. Check this out.
• 1:00:31
  But that is not going to have caused somebody just to say, okay,
• 1:00:35
  well, I will get over all of my past relationship trauma. So let's go back to
• 1:00:40
  acceptance. It doesn't mean apathy.
• 1:00:42
  It is not about passive resignation, but it is about actively embracing the
• 1:00:47
  present moment with their actions.
• 1:00:48
  It's about committing to the process of repairing the relationship.
• 1:00:51
  And here's the key, without being attached to the outcome. And by that,
• 1:00:55
  I mean I have to accept the fact that they may not reciprocate because then
• 1:00:59
  again, I'm doing it conditionally.
• 1:01:01
  I need to start doing it because it's the right thing to do.
• 1:01:04
  Let me just make a pitch here as well.
• 1:01:07
  Our adorable brains, they're hardwired to navigate looking for certainty.
• 1:01:14
  So again, we ruminate about the past as if I can just figure out where I went
• 1:01:19
  wrong or where they went wrong and I can convince them.
• 1:01:21
  Then everything will be fine, versus just accepting that I didn't know or that happened.
• 1:01:25
  The past is like a chapter in a closed book. I mean, it can hold some lessons
• 1:01:30
  and memories, but not a very good place to live.
• 1:01:33
  The future, as unpredictable as the weather, is definitely a fun or maybe not
• 1:01:37
  so fun playground for our imagination, but also not a foundation to build upon.
• 1:01:42
  It is the present, the very moment we live and breathe in, that offers the ground
• 1:01:46
  upon on which we can stand and act and do and learn and mess up and eat churros and try again.
• 1:01:51
  And if you haven't seen the Costco churro bites, that's a whole other story.
• 1:01:57
  When we anchor ourselves in the now, and we start to understand that our power
• 1:02:01
  lies in our present actions and decisions and mindsets, then the future,
• 1:02:06
  yeah, it's unknown, but it's shaped by the richness of our present engagement with life.
• 1:02:10
  And in this very moment, you need to be able to pause and respond,
• 1:02:13
  grab a churro bite, not react, and not try to get rid of our discomfort with
• 1:02:17
  withdrawal, or with control, or with gaslighting, or any of those things,
• 1:02:22
  which can show up in the forms of anger or withholding,
• 1:02:26
  shifting from ruminating on what was or fearing what might be to engaging with
• 1:02:29
  what is, that puts us in a much more mindful and productive state of being.
• 1:02:33
  And then we start to build a future that reflects our growth and learning from
• 1:02:36
  past experiences, rather than just repeating things over and over.
• 1:02:40
  And how often do we do that?
• 1:02:41
  And this is all a you thing.
• 1:02:44
  Life is a you thing. It's a me thing. It's a you thing. And that can be liberating
• 1:02:49
  because every thought, feeling, and action you have is influenced by a ton of variables.
• 1:02:55
  That's where I love my good old favorite with ACT, your nature,
• 1:02:59
  nurture, birth order, DNA abandonment, rejection, hopes, fears,
• 1:03:01
  dreams, all those wonderful things.
• 1:03:03
  All those layers that compose the very unique being that is you.
• 1:03:07
  So that's you. It's important to know. And guess what? That means that everybody
• 1:03:11
  else too is everybody else.
• 1:03:13
  So, you get an amazing opportunity to become the person who is emotionally consistent
• 1:03:17
  and safe and figuring themselves out and curious and then learns all about themselves
• 1:03:21
  throughout the process.
• 1:03:23
  What if you didn't start with curiosity instead of judgment?
• 1:03:25
  What if rather than asking, what's wrong with me or I can't believe that they
• 1:03:28
  said that or they aren't calling me or they didn't realize what this would do
• 1:03:31
  to me, if we ask, hey, what's my experience trying to tell me?
• 1:03:34
  Is there anything I can learn? Would it be okay for me to reach out?
• 1:03:37
  And that shift alone in a perspective starts to honor your individual journey,
• 1:03:41
  validating that nobody else on the earth can truly understand what it's like
• 1:03:44
  to be you, but that also means that nobody on the earth can truly understand
• 1:03:49
  what it's like to be somebody else.
• 1:03:52
  And if you just thought to yourself, no, Tony doesn't understand,
• 1:03:55
  I actually do know more about my husband or my wife than they do, or even my kid,
• 1:03:59
  you don't, you truly, utterly don't, because if you think that you do,
• 1:04:03
  that means that that person doesn't feel safe enough to express who they are
• 1:04:07
  to you, because you're going to tell them that they're wrong about themselves.
• 1:04:11
  What's your favorite color? Blue. Well, are you sure, champ?
• 1:04:14
  You know, you wear a lot of green around the house, or I see you wearing a lot
• 1:04:17
  of green to me. That sounds harmless, but I really want you to think about it.
• 1:04:21
  It's a little bit ridiculous. How about, what's your favorite color?
• 1:04:24
  Blue. Oh, tell me more about that. Why do you think it's blue?
• 1:04:26
  And then they proceed to tell you, because you learned more about them, four pillars.
• 1:04:31
  You're going to assume good intentions, which is pretty easy if they're telling
• 1:04:33
  you about their favorite color. You're not going to tell them wrong,
• 1:04:35
  even if you think that they are.
• 1:04:36
  You're going to say, tell me more about that, questions, four comments,
• 1:04:39
  and then you're going to stay present.
• 1:04:40
  And then if you feel safe, you can share that you so appreciate learning more
• 1:04:45
  about them, hearing them.
• 1:04:46
  Because what's crazy is after you say, oh man, I appreciate you sharing that
• 1:04:50
  that is your favorite color, that blue is your favorite color.
• 1:04:53
  But then you say that makes so much sense. You've heard them,
• 1:04:56
  they feel heard and understood.
• 1:04:58
  The conversation is not in the weeds. That's where you get to say things like,
• 1:05:02
  you know, it's crazy. And now I so understand about blue.
• 1:05:05
  I thought your favorite color was green. But I can understand now that it's
• 1:05:07
  blue, which could actually start to lead to a more connected conversation.
• 1:05:11
  Now the person may feel safer to say things like, well, you guys keep buying
• 1:05:15
  me green. and so I want to save my blue things for special occasions.
• 1:05:18
  Or, and now I can absolutely see why you'd think that, because I have a lot
• 1:05:21
  of green, but I also know that most of my green stuff still fits,
• 1:05:25
  and I'm trying to challenge myself to stick with my needs and not my wants.
• 1:05:29
  So when this green stuff wears out or I grow out of it, oh, it's all blue.
• 1:05:32
  Or I know we're strapped a little bit for money, Dad. So yeah,
• 1:05:35
  I love blue things, but I see how hard you guys work, and I don't have a job.
• 1:05:39
  So my contribution is that I know I love blue, but I will keep wearing green.
• 1:05:43
  And if you think this is a silly example, I promise you that this is absolutely
• 1:05:47
  based on a very real client and story.
• 1:05:50
  So by simply saying, I thought it was green without expressing curiosity,
• 1:05:53
  you may miss out on a tremendous opportunity to learn more about somebody that
• 1:05:57
  you care about or who absolutely cares about you and might even be not doing
• 1:06:02
  things because they feel like they're doing the right thing for you.
• 1:06:05
  So it empowers each person to explore their own story with compassion and without comparison.
• 1:06:11
  So let's call it a day today, but I appreciate you if you made it this long.
• 1:06:14
  That alone says something about your desire to change. It really does,
• 1:06:18
  or to be better, or to show up better in your relationships,
• 1:06:20
  which means that you're doing it.
• 1:06:21
  You went from not knowing what you didn't know to knowing and maybe not doing
• 1:06:24
  so often, maybe even being a little bit offended during that step,
• 1:06:27
  and that can be a difficult place to be.
• 1:06:29
  But the next step is you're now going to start doing things more than you don't
• 1:06:32
  that are things that you want to do, and then I promise you that you can become.
• 1:06:36
  You'll eventually just become this different person.
• 1:06:38
  I've been trying to do this a little better. Let me throw some takeaways or
• 1:06:41
  action steps on the what did we learn today segment. Here are some that I think would be helpful.
• 1:06:47
  Reflect and acknowledge. Take time to self -reflect. Look back on the relationship
• 1:06:51
  that you would like to potentially repair, but look back on it without judgment.
• 1:06:56
  Acknowledge where somebody else is and try to understand. This is really stepping
• 1:07:00
  into their shoes, where they may have been, where there might be misunderstandings or hurts.
• 1:07:05
  And I know this can sound cheesy, but it really does work. Write a letter of
• 1:07:08
  acknowledgement to your child, even if you never send it.
• 1:07:11
  Because to articulate your thoughts and feelings, it is a very therapeutic exercise
• 1:07:15
  for you as a parent to understand the past from both sides and to affirm your
• 1:07:19
  willingness to move forward.
• 1:07:21
  There is something so therapeutic about writing out your thoughts and feelings
• 1:07:24
  because it becomes this linear process where when we leave things in our minds,
• 1:07:28
  they're just going a million miles an hour. So it does really help to write things out.
• 1:07:31
  And that does not mean you have to send it. I think another action step would
• 1:07:34
  be consistent outreach.
• 1:07:35
  So, make regular, non -invasive attempts to reach out to your kid or whoever
• 1:07:40
  you want to rebuild the relationship with, and that could be through sending
• 1:07:43
  cards on special occasions,
• 1:07:45
  a brief thoughtful text message, or an email that reaffirms your love or your
• 1:07:48
  availability to talk or a memory that you have.
• 1:07:51
  And the key here, honestly, is consistency without pressure.
• 1:07:55
  Let every attempt be an open invitation for a dialogue, but not a demand for a response.
• 1:07:59
  And sometimes you will even tell yourself, and I love when I'm working with
• 1:08:01
  a client and I say, okay, all right, you can send that, but are you okay if
• 1:08:06
  you don't hear anything back?
• 1:08:07
  And somebody will say, absolutely. I just want to let them know that I'm thinking of them.
• 1:08:11
  But then when you do that and you don't hear back from somebody,
• 1:08:13
  it really is difficult and that's okay. That's part of the human process.
• 1:08:17
  Then maybe the last one is cultivate self -compassion and patience.
• 1:08:21
  Practice self -compassion, self -compassion, compassion for yourself as you navigate this process.
• 1:08:25
  Understanding that healing might take time and prepare yourself for the long
• 1:08:29
  haul rather than a quick resolution because it's gonna be so much more worth
• 1:08:32
  it if it really does take time and effort.
• 1:08:35
  So engage in activities that promote patience and emotional resilience, like mindfulness,
• 1:08:40
  meditation, journaling, speaking with a support group, going to therapy,
• 1:08:43
  because this step is about ensuring that you are emotionally equipped to handle
• 1:08:47
  the situation with grace, raising your emotional baseline, putting yourself
• 1:08:50
  in the best position you can be, because we're looking at this regardless of the immediate outcome.
• 1:08:55
  So these steps, these action items are about planting seeds for reconciliation,
• 1:08:59
  And they might seem small, but they are significant gestures that over time,
• 1:09:05
  start to, in essence, build this bridge back to a loving relationship,
• 1:09:09
  even if the journey is one -sided for quite a while.
• 1:09:12
  So, thanks for taking the time today. I'd love to hear your questions,
• 1:09:15
  your thoughts. Feel free to send them to contact at tonyoverbay .com.
• 1:09:18
  And I will see you next time. Oh, taking a sound per usual, the wonderful,
• 1:09:22
  the talented Aurora Florence with her song, It Is Wonderful,
• 1:09:25
  because life truly can be.
• 1:09:27
  Music.