Latest / The Steve Harvey Morning Show / Rushion Interviews Schellie Fanfan, How Childhood Trauma Can Affect Your Mental Health & Overcoming Negativity!

Transcript

Rushion Interviews Schellie Fanfan, How Childhood Trauma Can Affect Your Mental Health & Overcoming Negativity! · The Steve Harvey Morning Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to my show, Money Making Conversation Masterclass. I'm your
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: host with Sean McDonald. I recognize that we all have
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: different definitions of success. For you, it may be the
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: size of your paycheck. Mine is inspiring people to develop
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: a plan to reach their dreams. It's time to stop
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: reading other people's success stories and start writing your own.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: You can only exceed expectations by believing in yourself. People
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: always like to talk about their gift for purpose. If
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: you have a gift, lead with your gifts and don't
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: let your friends, family, or coworkers stop you from planning
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: or living your dreams. My guest is Shelly fan Fan
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: Its fan Fan is the Florida State licensed Mental health Counselor.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: She is currently the chief executive officer of Harmony Mental
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Health and Behavioral Services for Children, adolescents and adults. Shelly
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: is also the founder and sole owner of as Shelly Consultant, llc. Or.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: She consults with individual businesses, ministries, and organizations to maximize
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: performance and productivity. Shelly's passion is to change the world,
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: one life, one family, in one community at a time.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Please work with the Money Making Conversation Master Class. Shelly
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: fan Fan how you doing. I am well, hello, thank
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: you for having me? Well you seem bright? Chipper is
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: that it's a standard m for your personality? Absolutely, I
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: got up this morning. I still have purpose. Uh, impact
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: is my my my currency. So yes, there's so much
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: more to smile about than there is to frown about.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: But you know, but you always get these people go,
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: why are you so happy? Well, you know they want
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: to bring you down, you know they want they feel
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: there's a reason or dysfunctional role in your life to
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: have this level of enthusiasm that I say that not
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: even joking, because they have people like that. How do
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: you how do you deal with people who who have
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: that negative built in energy that they want to just
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: spread instead of absorbing positivity. I try to be as
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: positive as possible and make sure that I do that consistently.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Because being for filled and being in purpose and finding
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: a reason to smile is no longer a normal thing.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: It's quite abnormal. So when people respond to that, it's
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: because they are expecting you to be defeated. They're expecting
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: you to be discouraged, They're expected you to be at
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  Speaker 1: your wits end, And so it's not uncommon for people
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: to ask me like, why are you smiling so big?
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: But the reason why my mantra is lived in your
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: smile is because I went through that stage in my
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: life where I'm you know, you know, I spread the
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: misery because I was so miserable on the inside, and
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: so I am very intentional about spreading positivity. And when
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: I deal with people or when I come to across
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: across people who have that attitude, I just basically confunct
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: them and encourage them to fix their focus, and um,
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: I try my best to give them a different perspective
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: and let them know that there's so much more working
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: for us then there is working against us when you
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: speak of that different perspective, because if it's based on
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: who you meet, there's no cookie cutter game plan you
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: can give to everybody. Otherwise you're not really servicing them
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: correctly and also hearing their issues. You know, now, your
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: name is that I introduced you with Shelley fan Fan
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: was that born and raised name? It is? Okay? Cool?
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: So you know, we go through life and you know,
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I remember when middle school at times I was bullied, okay,
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: and you have a name, your name as a little
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: oddity to a fan fan, So will you tease and
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: when you would tease, did they lead to any bullying
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: incidents that you can remember that you have to overcome
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: or share with your parents or the teachers to to
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: you know, keep you focused and enjoy going to school.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: I'm happy that you bring that up such a good
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: question because I love my name. Now it works so
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: well with campaigns because people are like, I'm a fan
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: of fan Fan. I'm like, yeah, keep that energy going.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: But let me tell you, I never It took a
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: long time for me to really race that name because
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: I was bullied. Fan Fan is a very uncommon name.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: Is actually of Haitian descent. It's pronounced Fafa, but of
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: course you know in our English language it is pronounced
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  Speaker 1: fan fan. That's what people get, that's how they are
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: able to pronounce it. And so in school, I was
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: bullied for having a very strange last name. I was
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: bullied for being so skinny. I was bullied for being Haitian,
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  Speaker 1: all the things that make me me, and so it
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  Speaker 1: really impacted my capacity to self accept Now. You know,
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  Speaker 1: I know that I would when I look back in
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  Speaker 1: my life, I kind of went with the flow. You know,
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: when I say that is that the things that people
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  Speaker 1: tease me about, I stopped doing it so I could
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  Speaker 1: fit in, you know, like they like my teacher used
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  Speaker 1: to always ask me to read publicly, you know, and
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: in the classroom. And one I remember a couple of
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: students they were very, very upset that I was always
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  Speaker 1: chosen to read. And that really hit me when I
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: look back on it, and not not just started, you know,
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: just started breaking up my words and saying aid instead
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  Speaker 1: of isn't so I can stop being the special student
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  Speaker 1: and so and so. I understand that because of the
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  Speaker 1: fact that when you start talking about mental health, people
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  Speaker 1: need to understand it doesn't start in high school. It
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: just start as an adult. Sometimes you can go all
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: the way back to you know, uh, preschool, how the
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  Speaker 1: adults allowed certain situations, the crying baby or the kid
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  Speaker 1: in the corner by itself, or the way the kids dressed,
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  Speaker 1: and because kids started a blank slate. So let's start
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  Speaker 1: at the at the at that age level that you
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  Speaker 1: start counseling and and and treating, so we can then
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: we move up to adolescents, then teens, then adults, and
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: adults are a whole new story. But sometimes if you
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  Speaker 1: don't get your adulthood with the proper guidance, then your
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  Speaker 1: disaster correct. Well, I'd like to take it back one
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  Speaker 1: more stage, and that's in vitro. And it's important for
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: people to understand that mental health starts when you are
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  Speaker 1: in the womb of your mom. Because in your womb,
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: in the womb of a woman, a child is developing.
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  Speaker 1: The brain is developing, there is a soul, they have
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  Speaker 1: the sense of hearing. I could go on and on
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  Speaker 1: about the fetus inside of a woman's womb. And a
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  Speaker 1: lot of the times when I'm dealing with individuals who
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  Speaker 1: are trying to overcome trauma, their trauma dates back all
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  Speaker 1: the way to when they were in their mother's womb.
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  Speaker 1: And it could be because the mother was a victim
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  Speaker 1: of violence herself, or the mother was a drug abuser.
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  Speaker 1: I could go on and on, and so it's important
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  Speaker 1: to understand that our mental health lifeline actually starts when
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  Speaker 1: we were in the womb of our mother's The way
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  Speaker 1: that our mothers cared for them for herself, her mental health,
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  Speaker 1: how well she attended to her health needs while she
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  Speaker 1: was pregnant with you, has to do and it is
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  Speaker 1: included in the mental health lifeline. When we're working with
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  Speaker 1: preschool children or kindergarteners, those young because I treat from
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: the ages of two to it's important to understand that
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  Speaker 1: there's so much um of there's so much involved in
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  Speaker 1: a child's development of self identity that incorporates their peer interactions.
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  Speaker 1: And so when we as parents and caregivers minimize when
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: they come to us and say such and such was
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: talking about meet all the things that we find trivial,
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  Speaker 1: it's very huge to a child, and so it's important
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  Speaker 1: to understand that those things create impressions. Everything creates impressions.
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  Speaker 1: Our brain is a huge recorder. Even those memories that
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  Speaker 1: we don't have access to have power. And so as
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  Speaker 1: we developed through those developmental stages and we are trying
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  Speaker 1: to find ourselves, it's important to understand that all of
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  Speaker 1: those experiences matter. They are impressions, and what we impress
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  Speaker 1: we will express. What we impress is what we express.
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  Speaker 1: So a lot of times when I'm working with adults,
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  Speaker 1: it's important for me to kind of go back to
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  Speaker 1: those learned experiences that cause those impressions and try to
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  Speaker 1: unlearn them so that they can find some freedom and
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: the opportunity to relearn healthy connections and healthy ideas. We'll
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: be right back with more Money Making Conversations Masterclass with
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: Rushan McDonald. Now, let's return to Money Making Conversations Masterclass
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: with Rashan McDonald. Absolutely. Now as I'm talking to doctor,
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: excuse me, I'm talking to Shelley fan Fan. She is
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: a license important, licensed mental health counselor and our reason like,
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: I've been interviewed a lot of African Americans, people of
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: color about mental health because in the community of black
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  Speaker 1: and brown we kind of shy way, you know, because
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  Speaker 1: just using street terms, I don't want to think I'm crazy,
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  Speaker 1: you know, I don't think you know, you know, people
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  Speaker 1: still use the word retarded and associated with you know, craziness,
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  Speaker 1: and you know, these are terminologies within our community that
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  Speaker 1: we have not wrapped our conversation around, and that that
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  Speaker 1: doesn't allow us to move forward. You know, we call
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  Speaker 1: our kids slow. You know, it's still humor tied to
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  Speaker 1: a child not functioning properly. That child may be discarded
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  Speaker 1: into the back of the house or or to a
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  Speaker 1: different conversation, or may not be included in part of
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  Speaker 1: the family conversation because of embarrassment. How do you deal
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  Speaker 1: with those because, like I said, we started to move
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  Speaker 1: forward now, because it's called participation, it's called inclusive awareness
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  Speaker 1: of a child, um intelligence, a child's social adaptbility, adaptability,
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  Speaker 1: and things like that. Talk to us well, it starts
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  Speaker 1: with education because our breakthrough is often on the other
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  Speaker 1: side of something we do not know. And so this
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  Speaker 1: idea of crazy. Usually when people say crazy, I asked them,
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  Speaker 1: what does that look like for you? And so most
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: people will define like a person. Think of a man
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  Speaker 1: at a seven eleven who's talking to himself, you know,
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  Speaker 1: wiggling his fingers and responding to internal stimuli. Most of
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  Speaker 1: the time people see that as mental illness. When they
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: think of the word mental health, they automatically think mental illness,
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  Speaker 1: the person who has schizophrenia, the person who has bipolar
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  Speaker 1: who's blowing up things, burning things, and having anger outbursts.
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  Speaker 1: And what I try to teach every opportunity that I have,
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  Speaker 1: especially to black and brown communities, is that mental health
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  Speaker 1: is a spectrum. It starts with being completely whole and
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  Speaker 1: emotionally well, and most of us do not fit into
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  Speaker 1: that category all the way to having a diagnosable mental
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  Speaker 1: health disorder. So what I try to teach is, what
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  Speaker 1: does it look like outside of that space, outside of
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  Speaker 1: the area that criteria from mental illness, What does the
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  Speaker 1: rest of that spectrum look like? The rest of that
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  Speaker 1: spectrum looks like your inability to commit to another person.
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  Speaker 1: It looks like your inability to get eight hours of
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  Speaker 1: uninterrupted rests. It looks like your self doubt. It looks
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: like your fear and anxiety that keeps you stuck. It
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: looks like your procrastination. It looks like that book that
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: you haven't written. It looks like that song that you
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: haven't sung. It looks like your inability to overcome your
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  Speaker 1: emotional issues. It's your inability to to communicate effectively without
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: allowing your emotions to drive the car. It's your incapacity
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: to manage your anger and be successful at work. It's
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: your inability to manage your finances effectively. When we look
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: at it that way, it changes our mind about what
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: mental health really looks like, and then it expands the
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: need in our communities for help. Right, Well, you know
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: the thing about it is that you have an inner city,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: then you have which is which which is totally a lockdown,
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: and well, you know, there's a lot of work has
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: to be done. You're talking about the wealth gap, that's
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: a mental gap too. That's we're definitely in the mind
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: of city. But it's all about embarrassing how people feel
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: the statue or the place they want to be recognized
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  Speaker 1: us within the community. And it starts with your children.
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  Speaker 1: And your children are your future. And so you know,
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  Speaker 1: we bring these innocent taughts or innocent people into our lives.
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  Speaker 1: And I always tell people to have a healthy child
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  Speaker 1: and that maybe define what you might call healthy into
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  Speaker 1: a life is a miracle. And in the process of
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: the adults, this is the whole thing. You have an adult,
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: you have the child, and then and the child may
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: not be living up to the physical and mental expectations
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: of their parents. How do you deal with that? So
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: the love and the and the not lawering the standards,
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: but raising the love and being able to push that
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: child at that level to their maximum efforts. How do
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: you balance that because you're dealing with all three. You're
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: dealing with the ad lessons, you're dealing with the children,
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: and you're dealing with their adults. So in parenting, when
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: we are providing parenting training, one of the things one
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: of the main lessons that we teach is that the
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: love and affection, celebration of life, those things should not
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: be contingent upon expectations or what we define as good behavior.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: It should never right. And so sometimes I'll have parents say,
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: or what, we canceled his birthday party because he was
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah right, he didn't listen, he got
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: in trouble. And so we have to help parents understand
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: what's healthy to have as contingencies because a lot of
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: parenting is very performance based. And then we grow up
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: as adults and we are over performers, we are perfectionists.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: We're not living happy lives. And where does that come from?
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  Speaker 1: That comes from performance based parenting? Where I love you
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: when I say when I believe you're doing good, when
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: the report cards all a's, when you got that trophy
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: at school. It is at that point that I give
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: you love a affection, or when you are not meeting
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: my expectations, I withhold my love and affection. It causes
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: children to understand that love depends on fill in the blank,
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: and that's a that's a problem for a lot of
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: marriages too. I always say when you say I love you,
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: because everything after the word because becomes a condition. And
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: so we have to actually teach parents how to unconditionally
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: love and accept their children. And half the time parents
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: who parent that way is because they were parented that way.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: And so it's about going back and breaking those generational understanding,
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: those generational choices, those generational curses, in order to set
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: the children free. One of the things also in addition
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: to that teaching unconditional love in our parenting, we also
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: have to teach that there's no such thing as good
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: or bad parenting. It's either it's effective or ineffective. And
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  Speaker 1: when we are not raising children that are emotionally intelligent
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: and mentally stable, there is some ineffectivity in the way
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: that a person parents. And then it gives us an
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: opportunity to teach parents new skills. New skills are really
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: to keep. It's when they seen them. With a series
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: of questions for me to include in my interview with you,
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: I'm speaking with Shelly fan Fan She's a licensed in
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: the state of Florida mental health counselor. She also has
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: another organization called as Shelley Consultant, LLC, where she consults
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: with individuals, businesses, ministries, and organization, the maxismized performance and productivity.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: That's how we talked about that productivity, especially coming out
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: of the COVID experience, but also came out of the
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: COVID experience was two words that I heard a lot,
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: conflict resolution, and I heard it a lot in law enforcement.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: Confluence of course, you know, I Conflquence happens and everything
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: happens in children, happens in relationships, happens in the two
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: adults trying to get into the same door going into
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: a seven eleven. So when you need to work conflict resolution,
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: I'm sure that's been a prominent part of your conversations.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: How what exactly does that mean? Conflict resolution? Well, it
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: means that it's it's basically a process by which we
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: manage un met expectations. Because when you think about conflict,
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: conflict is a problem. It's a nice word for problems.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: Problems are always rooted in an expectation that wasn't meant.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: Think of a problem right now, Think of problems that
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: you dealt with. It always goes back to a an
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: expectation that you had of someone something, an outcome that
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: you were expecting, and the expectation wasn't met. And so
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: conflict resolution teaches skill sets on how to manage that distress.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: If that conflict is with another person, Conflict resolution teaches
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: how to have those courageous conversations and be solution focused
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: in it. How do you manage your emotion? Is that disappointment,
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: that anger, that frustration? How do you manage that in
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: order to get to a resolution with someone that you
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: want to preserve a relationship with. Sometimes the resolution is deuces,
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: and that's okay too, But conflict resolution is about that.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: And one of the things that I teach as a
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: corporate trainer is a lot of the time when we
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: say conflict resolution, what we're trying to say is conflict management.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: Why because we may not always resolve our conflict the
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: resolution maybe that we're just gonna agree to disagree. Is
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: that a resolve? Well maybe not, But it's a way
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: that we're managing conflict so that we can still be effective.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: We can still be partners, we could still be married,
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: we could still be co parents, we could still you know,
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: be effective and work towards the go. Conflict management is
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: always the key. We'll be right back with more money
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: Making Conversations Masterclass with Rushan McDonald. Now let's return to
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: Money Making Conversations Masterclass with Rushan McDonald. Conflict management can
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: be sectioned off. You know, when you're when you're in
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: a police officer, that's a separate conflict management. When you
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: go in for mediation with parenting, that's a separate conflict management,
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: real solution discussion. And well as in a girlfriend or
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: a partner relationship or husband and wife relationship, because there's
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: certain contractual agreements that you have when you get married.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: A lot of people don't realize you've signed a contract,
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: you know, where when you're just a partner, a girlfriend, boyfriend,
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: you can go do somehout, you know, depending on if
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: you've moved in with that person, then that's a different duce.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: There's a certain mediation that's the conflict can get kind
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: of kind of dicey. But and and and talking to
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: you in mental health and and you know, it all
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: goes back to stress. It always goes back to am
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: I living up to my personal standards? Then then if
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: you're not living up your personal standards, are you're living
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: up to your kids? That are you living up to
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: your job standards? So you can just put all this
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: way on your back and like the little image of
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: that guy holding up the world Atlas holding you can
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: feel like that person and guess what, it may never
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: come off of you unless you learn how to handle stress. Now,
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: I've always felt that, you know, stressed. For me, I
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: handled a lot of different ways. Uh, even when I
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: when I bought a house in Atlanta, I made sure
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: I had water near me. So I go near water.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: I just watched that calmness of the water, and it's
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: just just seeing it. It just really brings me down.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: And so because I'm not a cigar cigar smoker, I
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: don't drink wine, so everything's always one on me. And
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: so how I deal with that. I love to bake.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: I love to cook, you know, because it's a short
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: term window and I can see success. Sometimes stress is
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: tied to goals. So and then in my office, I
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: have a garden, and so I have this forty five
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: day window where I can see tomatoes, I can see okraw,
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: I can see colar greens. And so that's how ideal
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: was stress. And as I'm just giving those examples of
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: because there's so many different ways, but I tid I
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: tend to tie short time, which short term windows too
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: to be able, especially if you're goal order in person
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: like me, and you have these long committed plans where
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: you are it's a month of whale, is a year way,
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: or you're not even reaching your goals. Well, I can
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: go out to my guard and I can put me
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: some chairry tomatoes and I'm happy. So when you say
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: stress management, am I in the right direction, Shelley? You
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: are absolutely you hit the veil on the head. Stress
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: management is about under first and foremost understanding the importance
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: of having practical wellness tools. Okay, what you just talked
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: about our wellness tools. I garden. I make sure that
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: I am living by the water, and you know I
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: have these. I give myself an opportunity to achieve success.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: That's what that is like. I want to be able
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: to see the tomatoes grow that success. These are wellness tools,
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: and unfortunately many people don't have many. They may have
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: one or two tools that they use. So if my
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: tool is a glass of wine and sleep, that I'm
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: not dealing with my stress because the tools that I'm
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: using are very avoidant. And so we teach how to
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: classify your stressors into two main categories. What stressors are
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: avoidable and what stressors are unavoidable? Because the ones that
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: are avoidable that we need to be strategic about avoiding
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: them in a healthy way, because escape avoidance sometimes becomes
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: very unhealthy. You're not really living life because you're just
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: living in escape avoidance, just running from those stressors. So
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: in a healthy way, how do we avoid those avoidable stressors?
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: And how do we manage our stress in those unavoidable stressors?
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: And I am telling you in the twenty four years
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: that I have been in practice, there are so many
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: people out there that do not know how to Here's
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: a word. Here's a word, and that is decompressed. Like decompressed.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: What do you do to decompress? Because if you're trying
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: to manage your stress, but you don't have the capacity
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: to decompress, it's gonna be very difficult to manage the stress.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: So of course we teach, you know, a good planning,
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: making sure that we teach harmony versus balance, teach make
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: sure that you are around people that are going to
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: pour life into your accountability partnership, set realistic goals. But
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: but deeper than that has to be the capacity to decompress.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: That's your ability to take your anger from a ten
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: to a six, your anxiety from a seven two a three,
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: leaving your office and going at home and understanding you
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: have to change roles. Now your hats have to change.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: There has to be an exchange made either at your
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: front door or on your way home so that you're
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: not bringing that energy into your sanctuary. Decompression is key,
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: and there are people that don't know this. They have
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: to learn how, and that's why therapy is so effective. Again,
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: I'm speaking to Shelley fan Fan. I'm a fan of
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: fan Fan, Okay, and then she's State of Florida Mental
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: Health counselor and also she deals with what I'd like
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: to talk about the conversation. We don't have children have
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: mental health. They are not tied to the words that
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: we use because there's so many stress levels the kids
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: have to do. Because we have technology. You know, video
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: games create stress. Just what being able to have apps
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: create stress. The fact that your child and yourself are
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: tied to a phone, so they're they're prevoud conversations while
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: you're driving in a car. That was not privy when
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: I was growing up and we drove, we drove, we
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: got the car. Now you're in a phone. That child
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: may want that a kitchen, but you're given all that
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: attention to the person you're dealing on the phone. They
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: may hear your stress levels and they pick that up.
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: So I know that your world. Sometimes you're invite their
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: stress into your child's life because of technology. So I
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: want to close what you give me us. Some porters
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: own overcoming life obstacles. Absolutely, And are you talking about
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: in terms of children? Because you hit something, you hit,
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: you hit the nail on the head. When you talked
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: about children watching how their parents handle stress, how children
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: learn by watching their parents managing their stress, managing conflict
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: and things of that nature. And so a lot of
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: times when parents come in and they sign up for
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: therapy for their kids, do you know what we do?
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: We asked them to sign up themselves first, because our
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: children are sponges and it's very important that caregivers are
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: tapping into their own mental health so that they can
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: be better examples for their children. And that stress in childhood.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: I'm so happy that you mentioned that because it's key
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: and all of this emphasis on gaming and winning and
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: likes and shares and all of that. One thing that
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: I want to say here and I could go on
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: and on about this, but I'm gonna keep it brief.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: Parents have to encourage peer interactions. You can negotiate with
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: your kids. Four hours of peer interaction gets you one
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: hour of gaming. Like, we have to make sure that
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: our children are still connecting with their peers. That's so important.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: That peer interaction is so important and alleviates a lot
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: of the internal distress that children deal with on a
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: day to day basis. And we have to make sure
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: that children have the opportunity to express themselves. This idea
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: that children should be seen and not heard, that's like
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: a thing of the past that is unhealthy. It causes
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: mental ill on this we have kids that are cutting themselves,
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: they are self mutilating. We have to allow children to
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: speak their minds and parents have to give them the
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: space to do that. Well. I want to thank you Chilling.
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: And like I said, I am based in Atlanta, Georgia.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: I know you're licensed in Florida. You make trips to Georgia.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: Please make time and come over. We can talk stress free.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: You know, I can show you my garden. I can
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: make some sauce right in front of you with the
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: holler opinions. I freshly picked the onions, I freshly picked
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: the cilantro. I freshly picked in the hockey ChIL beef
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: steak tomatoes that we're gonna straight up and enjoy. Of course,
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: the chips are gonna be storeballed. I can't do everything,
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: get okay, but again, uh I, I appreciate your smiles,
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: appreciate you and the more important to honest conversation. That's
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: why a couple of bringing on money Making Conversations master class.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: So no, you have a home here to be able
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: to afform them, to be able to communicate, and I
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: like to believe that the conversation I was able to
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: deliver you was one of honesty and one that you
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: was able to exp found on and deliver information for
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: my audience. Okay, absolutely, thank you for having me. If
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: you want to hear or see this interview on money
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: making conversations, go to money Making Conversation dot com. I'm
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: with Sean McDonald. I am your host