Latest / The Virtual Couch / Self-Awareness: 95% Of People Think They Are, But Only 15% Actually Are - Unveiling Emotional Intelligence

Transcript

Self-Awareness: 95% Of People Think They Are, But Only 15% Actually Are - Unveiling Emotional Intelligence · The Virtual Couch

0:00
Music.
0:21
Hey everybody, welcome to episode 403 of The Virtual Couch. I am your host Tony
0:26
Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist.
0:28
And today we are going to explore your emotional intelligence.
0:32
What does that even mean? And how you can improve your emotional intelligence.
0:37
And we are going to use glasses, dry eyes, flamingos, a nearly divorced couple,
0:43
and even more to make the point.
0:45
So of course I want you to listen to my podcast and rate and review it and share
0:48
it. and go to my website, sign up for my newsletter.
0:51
My magnetic marriage course is so close to a relaunch.
0:55
It's crazy, but that is all. So look at the link tree in the show notes or go to tonyoverbay.com.
1:00
So there, I said it, please do those things. But I am ready now to lay out a
1:04
promise, even a guarantee, that if you stay with me here today,
1:07
you are going to learn things, you're gonna feel things, hopefully a chuckle
1:11
or two, but you will leave this podcast wiser.
1:14
So, let's start by a story about a delayed flight home from a recent trip to Arizona.
1:21
Because this delayed flight kept getting more and more delayed,
1:26
and my wife and I found ourselves pulling up to the house at about 1 or 2 in
1:30
the morning in California.
1:32
And the next day was a Monday, and I had a very, very early client.
1:37
And I like to record. I like to get here really early and record before clients
1:40
come in. And so I was wide awake from unpacking and we happened to have a vehicle
1:45
situation where one was being fixed And so my wife was gonna ride me or drive me to work.
1:50
So it was either get up early or Go now,
1:55
so I said, yeah, why don't you you know, if you want to let's just take me now
1:58
And then I have a couch as every therapist does I've made the mention before
2:03
mine isn't your traditional therapist leather couch It's a really comfy.
2:07
I don't know what a non leather couch is comfy cushiony couch non-leather.
2:11
And so I came here and I thought you know what I will take a little
2:14
nap I'll sleep here and I have a new app that
2:17
I've been taking a look at I could go crazy on talking about mindfulness over
2:21
the last three or four months because it's been a whole new experience but I've
2:24
been experimenting a little bit with with an app that I'll probably talk about
2:27
down the road but it uses the concept of these things called binaural beats
2:31
and it's really a lot of the I had no idea what I didn't know truly didn't know what I didn't know,
2:37
But I there was a part of the app that said you could do lucid dreaming,
2:41
which is where you can jump in and take control of your dreams.
2:44
And I was definitely a skeptic of that.
2:47
But I thought, OK, I'm here. I've got a few hours. I'll set my timer and I'm
2:51
going to put my headphones on.
2:52
I'm going to listen to these binaural beats and then let's jump into a dream.
2:55
Let's take control of a dream.
2:57
And what happened was pretty fascinating. I thought it had only been two or
3:01
three minutes. It had been about 20 minutes.
3:03
And here's where let's just be vulnerable and open. I did wake up because I
3:07
felt like I heard some really loud sound in my headphones.
3:10
I went back and listened later and it wasn't what I thought it was.
3:13
So that part, I think I made up. But I woke up and I had a little bit of that
3:17
that sleep paralysis where I was very aware, but I couldn't move my arms.
3:21
And I love all things about sleep other than actually doing it itself.
3:25
And I understand the concepts around sleep paralysis.
3:28
And and my brain had not not released this hold on all the body parts.
3:34
I wouldn't go run and play in traffic, apparently.
3:37
So then I just kept myself a little bit calm and then I thought,
3:40
okay, maybe I can slip back into this dream because it really was pretty wild.
3:43
I mean, I was able to, I was pretty present in the dream, but then I'm a 50
3:48
now, 54 year old man, and I realized I gotta go to the bathroom.
3:52
And that is not the best thing to do when you're experiencing sleep paralysis
3:55
because I thought this is a non-leather therapist couch and I have clients all day and all week.
4:00
So I really need to get up. So then I'm able to eventually wiggle toes and fingers
4:04
and arms, but then I gotta go.
4:06
So, I stepped off of my couch and I had set my glasses down on the floor,
4:11
just in case we were wondering where on earth could this be going, and I broke my glasses.
4:16
And so, in breaking my glasses, then I thought, okay, I got to do the duct tape
4:20
thing, but I actually got super glue, put them together, but I still felt like
4:24
these could break at any moment, so I probably need to go get an eye exam.
4:28
And now, we're getting more into today's topic. the eye exam really helped me
4:33
understand that I truly did not know what I did not know and about something
4:38
that had just happened so gradually over time and that was the worsening of my eyesight.
4:44
So let's put a little pause right here and let me give you a definition of emotional
4:48
intelligence and we're gonna dig a lot deeper into this here in a little bit.
4:51
But emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand,
4:54
and manage our own emotions and then as well as recognize, understand,
4:58
and influence the emotions of others.
5:01
And we're hopefully talking about a good kind of influence.
5:04
But it encompasses a lot of skills, but one of the articles we'll refer to today
5:07
talks about self-awareness, the ability to accurately perceive your own emotions
5:11
and understand how they impact your thoughts and behaviors.
5:15
Your self-regulation, which is the ability or capacity to manage your emotional responses.
5:20
So what do you do with those big feelings, especially in stressful or challenging situations?
5:25
Social awareness, which then that involves understanding the emotions,
5:29
the needs, the concerns of other people, also known as empathy.
5:32
And so building empathy and recognizing dynamics maybe in a group or an organization,
5:36
including your family or your relationship.
5:38
And then the fourth component of building emotional intelligence is social skills,
5:42
or the ability to interact with other people, build these relationships,
5:44
manage conflicts, work well in a team.
5:46
And if you can improve this emotional intelligence, it's thought to be one of
5:49
the key factors of this on the way to emotional maturity.
5:54
And it can lead to better personal and professional relationships,
5:57
it can enhance your communication skills, and really give you a better understanding
6:00
of yourself as well as others.
6:03
This eyesight, we're gonna get back to that in just a second.
6:07
I told you we're gonna go on a little bit of a little bit of a journey here today.
6:10
So next, I want to talk about the process of gaining new information,
6:15
which is a very fancy way of saying that we just don't know what we don't know.
6:20
So, I'm guessing that most likely you may not know some or all of the following.
6:26
Let me start with bananas.
6:27
Did you know that bananas are berries? Strawberries aren't.
6:31
Because in botanical terms, a berry is a fruit produced from the ovary of a
6:34
single flower with seeds embedded in the flesh.
6:37
So, if you look at that definition, then bananas qualify as berries.
6:41
But strawberries don't, because strawberries are actually considered aggregate
6:43
fruits because they form a flower with multiple ovaries.
6:48
Another fun fact, honey never spoils. Archaeologists have found pots of honey
6:52
in ancient Egyptian tombs that are over 3,000 years old and they are still perfectly
6:57
edible, which is kind of gross.
6:59
Like I have a hard time with the Thanksgiving leftovers a couple of days after.
7:02
And I promised earlier we would talk about flamingos.
7:05
Did you know a group of flamingos is called a flamboyance?
7:10
So while a lot of people know that things like a group of crows is called a
7:13
murder of crows Not everybody knows that flamingos group together in something
7:16
called a flamboyance And this term if you think about it really vividly captures
7:21
the vibrant appearance and behavior of these these pink birds But here's the
7:26
interesting thing in Hearing these facts.
7:29
What was your reaction? Was it, okay, this is kind of dumb, or was it,
7:34
oh, that's interesting, I'm fun to know, or I want to know more,
7:38
or was it, I don't really even think he's right.
7:40
Because it's truly fascinating when you can honestly sit with yourself,
7:45
with curiosity, and recognize that we're all pretty judgy, and we're all also pretty self-centered.
7:51
And that's okay, because you're actually with yourself more than you are with anybody else.
7:56
So, one of what I feel are my life's many missions is to get to know myself,
8:01
accept myself, and even, yes, grow to love myself, because when we can come
8:06
from a place that it turns out that we're okay as we are,
8:10
then we don't need as much validation from others, and we can be pretty consistently
8:14
a solid, fun hang, either with others or with ourselves.
8:19
So, at the core of that process is becoming more emotionally intelligent.
8:24
So, we are going to have to continually check ourselves with the old,
8:28
I didn't know that, that's interesting.
8:30
Tell me more versus that's dumb or this guy is dumb or yeah,
8:34
I'm not really interested in that.
8:36
Because I promise that that's one of the big takeaways that you will learn about today.
8:41
Because when I talk about the group of flamingos or bananas or honey, if you say, who cares?
8:47
Well, I think the banana, I don't know if they're farmers, strawberry farmers,
8:52
honey Farmers will go with bees, or Winnie the Pooh, or the people who make
8:56
bit of honey, candy bars.
8:57
And people who like flamingos care about those things. So when somebody else
9:02
is communicating something, especially if you've asked them a question,
9:05
Hey, how's your day champ?
9:06
And if they start to tell you, and you're thinking, I'm not really that interested.
9:10
It really is a you thing. And that's one of those things that is a big part
9:16
of a lack of social awareness, or a lack of emotional intelligence.
9:20
Because not being able to sit with anybody else's opinions or anybody else's thoughts,
9:26
or feeling like you have to have a reaction or weigh in and then tell somebody
9:30
what they don't even realize that you think that they need to know about their
9:34
thought or their experience,
9:36
then that is a lack of emotional intelligence.
9:38
And I don't think that we look at it that way very often.
9:42
Let me, and I think I can, let me, let me go back to something that I love talking
9:46
about. and this I think will help explain this process of gaining emotional
9:49
intelligence even better.
9:50
I talked earlier about my glasses and I didn't even know that I didn't know
9:54
that my eyesight had gotten really bad over the last two or three years.
9:57
I didn't even wear glasses until my mid-40s and now they're they are a pretty
10:03
consistent thing in my life.
10:05
So I love quoting the book Buddha Brain, the practical neuroscience to happiness,
10:10
love, and wisdom, where the author Rick Hansen lays out these four steps along a process of awakening.
10:16
And then I often refer to these same steps with my clients or I do so on my
10:19
podcast as going from the you didn't know, what you didn't know,
10:23
then now you know a bit more but you don't always do anything different and
10:28
that can be so frustrating.
10:30
And it's often a place that we spend the majority of our time.
10:32
Then you can move into the now you know more and you're beginning to do things
10:35
about whatever it is more than you don't.
10:38
And the final phase is that's where you become.
10:43
And so change has truly become part of then what it feels like to be you or your implicit memory.
10:50
So when you look up in the book Buddha Brain, the author, Rick Hansen,
10:55
he talks about what they call these things in education, and that is unconscious incompetence,
11:03
then conscious incompetence, conscious competence, and unconscious competence.
11:06
So I'm going to break those down here and then we're going to start tying everything together.
11:10
One of the, to, to read what he talks about in the Buddha brain,
11:14
we have to do a quick review of the first and second dart.
11:17
The first dart is the, it's the inescapable physical or mental discomfort in
11:22
essence that we go through life. As long as you are, as long as you are being
11:26
and doing and walking around the face of the earth, these darts will hit you.
11:30
So that is, that is some mental discomfort. It can even be some physical pain.
11:34
That's just part of life. It's that concept of where life is is full of pain,
11:39
but then that suffering part is what's optional because then once we know that
11:43
there are these first darts, the second darts are our reactions or they're the
11:46
darts that we throw at ourself.
11:48
And so they often trigger more second darts almost in association.
11:53
You can have these a second dart cascade, so to speak.
11:56
So as you start to deal with different issues on your own path of awakening,
12:02
you'll start to encounter these stages of growth.
12:05
So when he talks about stage one of growth, which again is that unconscious
12:09
incompetence, or what I like to say you didn't know what you didn't know.
12:15
Hansen says you're caught in a second dart reaction and you don't even realize
12:18
it and he gives the example of your partner forgets to Bring milk home and you
12:22
complain angrily without seeing that your reaction is over-the-top.
12:25
You're just in a reactionary mode You don't even know what you don't know.
12:28
You're unconscious and you're incompetent So that is the epitome in my opinion
12:33
of a lack of emotional intelligence,
12:35
So then he calls it the stage two Reaction, which is you realize you've been
12:40
hijacked by greed or hatred or frustration in the broadest sense but you can't help yourself.
12:46
Internally, you're squirming, but you can't stop grumbling bitterly about the stupid milk.
12:52
So that is that conscious, I'm conscious of my incompetence,
12:55
and this is what I call the, now you know, but you struggle to act differently.
13:00
And then you move on to stage three, where now there's some aspect of the reaction
13:05
arises, but you really don't act it out.
13:08
Yeah, you're irritated, but you remind yourself that your things worse and you
13:14
probably could have gone and gotten the milk yourself if you really wanted it.
13:17
And then state, oh, and that one is what he calls conscious competence,
13:21
I'm consciously competent.
13:23
And that's where I like to call that one, I'm beginning to act differently more often than not.
13:28
And then finally, we have his stage four of this path of awakening or enlightening,
13:36
where he says the reaction doesn't even come up.
13:38
And sometimes you forget you even had the issue. You understand there's no milk,
13:41
but you just figure out what to do now with your partner.
13:44
So again, in education, those are unconscious incompetence. I'm not even aware
13:49
of the immature way I'm showing up.
13:52
Then you move on to, I'm conscious, I'm aware of it, I'm trying to figure this
13:55
out, I'm starting to work on things, but I've got these deeply rutted neuropathways
13:59
and I just do these things naturally.
14:01
I'm conscious of my incompetence. And that's a tough place to be.
14:05
But then you move on to, I'm conscious and I'm pretty competent.
14:07
And eventually unconscious competence.
14:10
I'm just being, I don't even have to make a choice. I'm just doing and I'm showing
14:14
up more emotionally consistent and with far more emotional intelligence.
14:19
And so I think these are so helpful for just knowing where you are with any given issue.
14:26
So if I go back to these stages of emotional intelligence and growth,
14:30
now I'm just gonna use my concepts, my terms there. You didn't know what you didn't know.
14:34
So it's really a stage of a lack of awareness.
14:38
You're unaware of your emotional responses or you're unaware that your eyesight has even gotten bad.
14:44
And that can be really difficult because somebody could say,
14:46
well, how would I even know? And, but the more that you start to just become
14:50
naturally curious, then it's going to lead to more emotional intelligence.
14:56
Like that second dart reaction that we talked about earlier in this,
15:00
you didn't know what you didn't know, you might react excessively without realizing
15:03
even the intensity or the inappropriateness of your response.
15:07
Like you might get really angry about something and then all of a sudden you
15:10
feel bad about it so then you are really nice.
15:12
And that's that part that when you are that person, I've been that person,
15:17
you feel like, no, I'm so sorry, I figured it out.
15:19
But then the people around you don't necessarily feel so emotionally safe in
15:24
the relationship because they don't quite know what version you're going to get.
15:27
And I think that's one of the biggest components that I want to convey today
15:31
is that is a lack of emotional intelligence and.
15:35
Better yet, it's okay because you're listening to this and you're starting to become aware,
15:40
We're gonna get you to that now, you know, but you still struggle to act differently
15:44
You start to become more aware of your emotional responses But you often feel
15:47
unable to change them and this stage can be really frustrating because you'll
15:50
start to recognize for lack of a better word some of your shortcomings but you
15:54
frequently just find yourself reverting to old patterns because that's just what we do.
15:59
So similar to that second stage in Buddhist brain, you realize that the,
16:02
we'll call it the disproportionate nature of your reactions.
16:06
In this example where he was grumbling about the milk, but you just feel powerless to control them.
16:11
But this stage is so crucial for acknowledging the need for change and beginning
16:16
to develop these strategies to be able to regulate your emotions.
16:20
So if you are there or even just starting to be there,
16:24
and these are a lot of the emails I get are from people that are waking up to
16:28
their own emotional immaturity or narcissism or their impulsivity or their rejection
16:33
sensitivity, but then they don't know what to do about it.
16:36
So you're in the right place. Because that leads to that third stage of emotional
16:41
intelligence or growth of beginning to act differently more often than not.
16:46
And you're not gonna be perfect and that's okay.
16:48
You're more consistently aware of your emotions and you begin to manage them effectively.
16:52
And it's more of this phase of active learning and applying new emotional skills.
16:55
And this is where my beloved acceptance and commitment therapy is so powerful
16:58
because then we start identifying what does matter to you.
17:02
And now you're gonna start taking action on those things that matter to you.
17:04
Taking action, doing, not ruminating, not beating yourself up,
17:08
not making excuses, taking ownership, and it is gonna be uncomfortable.
17:11
But in that discomfort comes the growth.
17:15
And this is such a, just such a crucial stage. And then we move on to,
17:21
I love the changes just become a part of you.
17:23
You just are being and doing. You're very non-reactionary.
17:28
You're very safe emotionally. you admit that things that you don't know and
17:33
the things that you might have even done on accident or you did wrong and,
17:37
Then you confidently talk about the things that you know that you are capable
17:42
of so you start to lead people into safety And you're more curious about other
17:46
people's experiences because it's okay for you to say I don't know that doesn't
17:50
mean that people are gonna think less of you doesn't mean that people well if
17:53
they are it's a them Issue,
17:54
but it doesn't mean that you are less of a person. We'll put it that way.
17:59
So now when I go back to this concept of glasses, so I did not know what I didn't know.
18:07
Like so many people, I was unaware of the gradual deterioration of my eyesight
18:12
because it was such a slow change.
18:14
It was so subtle, I didn't even realize how much my vision had gone on me,
18:18
especially until I put my new glasses on, which was just yesterday.
18:20
And then similarly that I also had very dry eyes and I complained about those
18:27
to my wife a lot and I mentioned them briefly to a client or two that is in
18:32
that industry or that field.
18:33
So when I went in for the eye exam this time, my doctor did an amazing job or
18:38
the optometrist did telling me all about dry eyes and how normal that was in
18:45
this day and age and all the reasons why.
18:46
And so I was aware that the I had dry eyes, but I had normalized the discomfort
18:52
or I didn't even realize that it could be treated The way that it can be treated
18:57
which has been such a better place the last week or two.
19:00
So staying with this The the glasses the eyesight in that second stage of awakening
19:07
or emotional intelligence now I know but I struggled act differently breaking
19:12
my glasses kind of inadvertently led to an eye exam.
19:14
That was the moment of awakening I realized not only my vision needed help,
19:18
but also, you know what, I need to speak out about my, the discomfort of my
19:23
dry eyes when I was going to seek help.
19:25
Literally, I was about to say it was an eye-opener, and I really didn't mean to make that pun.
19:30
But it was, and then even then it was something where I kept putting it off
19:33
and putting it off. I'll do it later, I'll do it later, I'll do it later.
19:36
And then eventually I did it, and now I got the new glasses and eyedrops,
19:39
and it's amazing. It really is.
19:41
Which then leads to that stage three, beginning to act differently more often than not.
19:46
Now that I was armed with this new information from my optometrist,
19:48
I started to understand actually the importance of eye care,
19:51
both in terms of correct vision and treating the dry eyes from everything from
19:55
an oral supplement to these preservative-free drops that are amazing,
19:59
to literally being a little more aggressive with my blinking,
20:02
which is kind of funny if you're in the same room with me now at times.
20:07
But that knowledge led to conscious changes in my behavior, Choosing the right
20:12
glasses, possibly adopting new habits, treatments for dry eyes.
20:15
At that point now I am actively applying what I have learned,
20:18
making the conscious choices for better eye health.
20:21
And then last but not least, the change has become a part of me.
20:25
Now it's been a little bit of time, and I wear my new glasses,
20:29
I take care of my dry eyes, and hopefully that is going to become second nature.
20:33
I feel like with the eyedrops at least, we're starting to move into that world
20:36
of where I don't necessarily have to remind myself to follow the new routines.
20:39
They become just a part of what's going on throughout my day.
20:44
What I love about that concept is that it just can highlight that it can be
20:47
something completely different that we didn't know like the flock of flamingos
20:50
is a flamboyance that is a tongue twister or it can be something that we were
20:56
just doing and tolerating and being that we didn't even have any awareness or
21:00
idea that it could be done differently.
21:02
So now let's enter the almost divorced couple.
21:08
So, of course, names and ages and a lot of the details have been changed,
21:12
even though this couple literally said we would like to come on your podcast
21:15
and talk about our issues, which I'm grateful for,
21:19
but we have changed some of the things here. But let's call them Jack and Jill.
21:23
Jack mid-40s, male, and I think this is significant because this was on the
21:28
paperwork, going through an unexpected divorce and not necessarily being okay with it.
21:36
So his perspective, again mid-40s, and he perceived his marriage as stable.
21:41
Because his method of handling disagreements with Jill, his wife,
21:44
was to reassure her that her concerns were overblown and to assert that she needs to trust him.
21:49
And he genuinely believes that his approach resolves conflicts and maintains peace.
21:56
Now, Jill's experience, she was feeling increasingly unheard and invalidated.
22:02
And whenever she would attempt to express dissatisfaction, then she was met
22:05
with Jack's, what he felt like were confident reassurances, but they literally
22:11
dismissed her feelings.
22:12
So for Jack, these are solutions, but for Jill, they are absolute dismissals.
22:17
A lot of the greatest hits of, don't worry about it, that's not a big deal,
22:21
you don't need to worry about that, I've got it taken care of,
22:23
I said I'll do it, that's it, you need to calm down.
22:27
None of which were, are particularly helpful statements, but using my pillar
22:32
one of a connected The conversation, plug for the magnetic marriage course,
22:36
is about to be relaunched.
22:38
We're assuming good intentions. He's not trying to hurt her by that,
22:41
or even if she felt like it was pretty aggressive, there's a reason why he feels
22:45
like that is the way that he needs to express himself.
22:48
Maybe that was how things were modeled in his home, or he lacked emotional intelligence,
22:52
part of what we're talking about today.
22:54
So in my office, Jill expresses her decision to potentially end the marriage,
22:59
and that absolutely shocked Jack.
23:01
He is perplexed. he believes that they had a good relationship.
23:04
And then Jill starts talking about her very longstanding unhappiness and her
23:07
efforts to communicate with him.
23:10
And she talked and gave examples that she had so many different times where
23:15
she tried to communicate.
23:17
And Jack consistently negated those.
23:21
Now, Jack then had a realization. This is where he started to understand his blind spots.
23:26
So he starts realizing that what he perceived as resolving issues was actually
23:30
him imposing his perspective and his will, so to speak, on Jill,
23:34
and that invalidated her experiences.
23:37
So he starts to see that his approach to conflict was more about getting rid
23:40
of his own discomfort than addressing the issues at hand, the issues that she was bringing up.
23:45
So also in the paperwork, he said he believed his marriage was in good condition
23:49
and he was pretty resistant to the idea of divorce.
23:53
So again, Jack was telling Jill that he is not okay with her bringing up divorce.
23:57
And trust me, I am in the marriage helping people business, the people helping, the marriage helping.
24:03
But I think it doesn't take too much to see again that Jack is dismissing her
24:08
feelings, not willing to listen, and saying, I will not stand for that.
24:12
So what got Jack in the door was eventually...
24:16
She tells him to start listening to my podcasts and he can't stand me.
24:20
And then he thankfully realizes that I come in peace.
24:24
I want to simply start from a place of, hey, hang on there.
24:27
Is it safe to say that there are things that you don't know?
24:30
But the truth is you don't even know that you don't know these things.
24:34
So he started listening to the podcast, realizing that he had these gaps in
24:37
his understanding. So he comes in feeling blindsided.
24:40
He admitted his lack of awareness about the marital problems and his own emotional
24:44
processes. And so then he had this desire to understand what he was missing
24:48
in his life and starting to acknowledge what we identified was Basically his limited perspective.
24:54
So he was having a hard time seeing outside of his own bubble or his own lens
24:58
He truly didn't know what he didn't know and then that showed up as a lack of
25:01
emotional intelligence,
25:03
So let's let's jump over into emotional intelligence and I want to refer to
25:07
an article I there were a lot of articles on emotional intelligence the one
25:10
that I actually found And really helpful was one from the Harvard Business School,
25:15
and it's called Why Emotional Intelligence is Important in Leadership.
25:18
But then I really feel like they handle things in a way that is not necessarily
25:23
about leadership, but they just lay out the concepts very well.
25:26
So I'm going to read a fair amount of this from Lauren Landry.
25:30
And Lauren says, the technical skills that help secure your first promotion
25:33
might not guarantee your next.
25:35
If you aspire to be in a leadership role, there's an emotional element that
25:38
you need to consider. And it's what helps successfully coach teams,
25:42
manage stress, deliver feedback, and collaborate with others.
25:45
So right there, I think that would maybe even turn some people off from here,
25:48
but it's where we go for the rest of the article that I think is magic.
25:53
She says it's called emotional intelligence and it's one of the most sought-after,
25:55
interpersonal skills in the workplace.
25:57
In fact, 71% of employers value emotional intelligence more than technical skills,
26:02
when evaluating candidates.
26:03
And I think this starts to go into, I think there's a lot of other names for it.
26:07
People talk about common sense or they talk about book smarts versus street
26:10
smarts. So then she says, what is emotional intelligence?
26:14
Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to understand and manage your
26:17
emotions as well as recognize and influence the emotions of those around you.
26:21
The term was first coined in 1990 by researchers John Mayer and Peter Salovey,
26:26
but was later popularized by a psychologist named Daniel Goleman.
26:29
But then more than a decade ago, Goleman highlighted the importance of emotional
26:32
intelligence to the Harvard Business Review, and he said that the most effective
26:36
leaders are all alike in one crucial way.
26:39
They all have a high degree of what has come to be known as emotional intelligence.
26:43
It's not that IQ and technical skills are irrelevant, they do matter,
26:47
but they are now the entry-level requirements for executive positions.
26:52
So you can be intelligent, your IQ, and you can have technical skills,
26:57
almost know what to do, but then it's how you do it, I think,
27:01
that becomes very, very important.
27:03
So she said, over the years, emotional intelligence, also known as EQ,
27:07
has now evolved into a must-have skill.
27:10
Research by EQ provider TalentSmart shows that emotional intelligence is the
27:14
strongest predictor of performance. People with high emotional intelligence
27:17
are more likely to stay calm under pressure, resolve conflict effectively,
27:21
and respond to co-workers with empathy.
27:24
So, slip into there that in a family dynamic, and I think that this is where
27:28
things are very powerful.
27:30
That you want to be, I think, you want to be the person in your relationship
27:35
and in your family with the high emotional intelligence to be able to stay calm
27:39
under pressure, to resolve conflict effectively, and to respond to people in
27:44
your family with empathy.
27:45
Because that is that emotional consistency that is going to bring safety into your relationship.
27:51
And we already know that, or I think most will agree, that if you are telling
27:54
your kids or your spouse what to do, we get hit immediately with the psychological
27:59
reactance or the instant negative reaction of being told what to do.
28:02
That is a defense mechanism.
28:04
But when we can start to speak first before being understood,
28:09
ask questions before comments, my pillar three and my four pillars of a connected
28:13
conversation, we can start to build that trust, and we can start to learn and
28:18
grow and build empathy, and we quickly realize that we don't have to make everything about us.
28:24
That everything, every interaction becomes this opportunity for us to grow.
28:28
So now things start to get a little interesting. How do you identify a lack
28:32
of emotional intelligence?
28:34
Lacking these critical emotional skills can lead to conflict such as misunderstandings
28:40
due to an inability to recognize or understand emotions.
28:43
That's either managing your own or understanding someone else's emotions and
28:47
then you getting rid of their their emotions and your discomfort by taking control.
28:53
One of the most common indicators of low emotional intelligence is a difficulty
28:56
managing and expressing emotions.
28:59
You might struggle with acknowledging a colleague or at any time where I say
29:03
anything about business please insert in their family.
29:06
So acknowledging a colleague's concerns appropriately or wrestle with active
29:09
listening. Consider the relationships you have with your co-workers or your family.
29:14
Are your conversations strained? Do you repeatedly blame others when things don't go as planned?
29:19
Are you prone to outbursts? Because these are all signs of a lack of emotional intelligence.
29:24
So she refers to four components of emotional intelligence. Self-awareness.
29:28
Self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.
29:32
And this is one of these situations. I one time heard that the movie Stepbrothers,
29:35
which was featuring Will Ferrell and John C.
29:37
Reilly, the entire movie, and I would love to know if I have now confabulated this,
29:42
but the entire movie was built because I think the writer Judd Apatow wanted
29:46
to do the scene where the bunk beds collapse on each other, which is one of
29:50
the greatest scenes in movie history, snubbed the Oscars, shockingly.
29:55
But I feel like in that same breath, I almost feel like this entire episode
30:00
was somewhat built off of this next paragraph. Self-awareness.
30:06
Again, this is the first component of emotional intelligence.
30:10
Self-awareness is at the core of everything. It describes your ability to not
30:14
only understand your strengths and weaknesses, but to recognize your emotions
30:17
and their effect on you and your team, or Insert Family, their performance.
30:22
But here it is, right here. Drum roll, please. I hope I built it up because I think it will deliver.
30:27
According to research by organizational psychologist Tasha Urich,
30:31
95% of people think that they are self-aware, but only 10-15% actually are,
30:38
and.
30:38
That can pose problems for your employees,
30:41
aka your,
30:42
family,
30:43
your relationships.
30:44
Working with people who aren't self-aware can cut a team's success in half and,
30:48
according to Urich's research, lead to increased stress and decreased motivation,
30:53
which I think is what is happening in so many relationships in so many homes.
30:57
She goes on to say, to bring out the best in others, you first need to bring
31:00
out the best in yourself, which is where self-awareness comes into play.
31:04
One easy way to assess your self-awareness is by completing a 360-degree feedback.
31:09
And now we're getting into some business tools that I am not familiar with,
31:12
but that's one in where you evaluate your performance, then match it up against
31:15
the opinions of your boss, your peers, and direct reports.
31:18
And through this process, you'll gain insights into your own behavior and discover
31:21
how you're perceived in the organization.
31:22
And I realize right now I'm skipping through that because I've had people come
31:26
in and talk about getting those kind of those kind of that feedback and either
31:30
being incredibly offended or feeling like everybody said the same thing, they're fine.
31:35
So, it's almost as if people that were filling out this feedback were honest
31:39
and the person that wanted the feedback can't, they're saying, no, that's not who I am.
31:44
And now we're digging into that. I think we all present a version of ourselves
31:47
and say, hey, everybody validate this.
31:49
And then if somebody says, oh, um, what if that's not exactly my experience,
31:54
then we're offended. How dare they?
31:56
Don't you know who I am? Even if I'm not really sure who I am.
32:00
And then I have the other version of that where I might have somebody that has
32:03
a very big personality, shall we say, and then they'll say, no,
32:06
I got back all the feedback. Everybody said I was great.
32:09
I think maybe they have to because they know the consequences.
32:12
So that's self-awareness. The second one is self-management.
32:14
Self-management refers to the ability to manage your emotions,
32:17
particularly in stressful situations, and maintain a positive outlook despite setbacks.
32:22
Boy, that sounds like a little bit of the recipe for emotional consistency.
32:26
Leaders who lack self-management tend to react and have a harder time keeping
32:29
their impulses in check.
32:30
And here we go again with the emotionally immature or Impulsive person in the
32:35
family, even if they mean well, even if they are Experiencing the the good old
32:38
nice guy syndrome where they are just continually trying to do things for everybody
32:43
so that then everybody will do things for them,
32:45
Even though they have not expressed what those things are that they are hoping
32:49
that people will do So they have set these covert contracts They've almost set
32:53
these traps and snares for all the people around them that will not get that
32:57
right and then the person The impulsive or emotionally immature nice guy who I 100%.
33:02
Have been that guy then gets to say man These people don't even care about me.
33:05
I must be unlovable So that is
33:08
why it becomes so important to figure yourself out and your own emotional intelligence
33:13
so that you can show up and not need all of that and that external validation
33:17
because that is is putting all of the what your value or worth is on someone
33:24
else and I often say that there's a 95%,
33:28
chance they're not going to get that right and then when they don't then you're
33:31
offended and you also feel broken and unlovable and that's where it turns out
33:36
to be that you're actually okay but in that check for self-management,
33:41
we often find that our reactions are just so automatic,
33:44
we're back to that the first dart reaction well no we're talking second dart
33:49
first start something happens but those second dart reactions are so automatic
33:52
so impulsive but the more in tune you become with your emotional intelligence
33:56
the easier you can make the transition from reaction to response and.
34:01
It is so important to pause breathe collect yourself do whatever it takes to
34:05
manage your emotions whether that means taking a walk a step outside calling
34:09
a friend petting a dog whatever you need to do so that you can more appropriately
34:13
and intentionally respond to stress and adversity and that is where I won't do it today,
34:18
but I could go on and on about the importance of a daily mindfulness or meditative practice.
34:23
It is a practice to continually let your mind go crazy. You are not trying to stop your thoughts.
34:29
That's not the goal. The goal is to
34:30
think and feel and be and do and then continually practice coming back to,
34:36
center, grounding, to the breath, to the room,
34:39
to the feeling on the couch, to the smells in the room, to the sounds that you
34:43
hear, and then you're back in your thoughts in your head and you come back to
34:49
the center, to grounding, to the moment,
34:52
and the more you practice that, then that visceral or gut reaction that those
34:56
thoughts, the emotions travel twice as fast as the thoughts,
34:59
your emotional response starts to become more emotionally consistent.
35:03
You're able to build that pause in to then be able to manage your emotions and
35:08
not just lash out and act impulsively.
35:11
Next up is social awareness. While it's important to understand and manage your
35:13
own emotions, then you do need to start to know how to read a room.
35:17
Social awareness describes your ability to recognize others' emotions and the
35:20
dynamics at play within your organization or family.
35:23
And I realize how admittedly skewed and somewhat jaded I am of working so much
35:28
in the world of nice-guy syndrome, emotional immaturity, and narcissistic traits
35:31
and tendencies, where it's even hard for me to not read this.
35:35
And when it says know how to read a room, that I've worked with too many people
35:38
that then are saying so that then I can manipulate and do a hard sale to a sales
35:42
pitch to and try to convince that you need to do it my way and that sort of thing.
35:47
But this is assuming that there is more you're coming from a place of doing
35:52
what you feel is the best or the greater good.
35:55
Leaders who excel in social awareness practice empathy. And it is again a practice.
36:00
You have to step outside of your own lens, your own ego to be able to try to
36:04
understand what is going on for someone else.
36:06
They strive to understand their colleagues' feelings and perspectives,
36:09
and that gives them the ability, the opportunity to communicate and collaborate
36:12
more effectively with their peers because it is not all about them.
36:16
She then shows some global leadership development firm, DDI,
36:20
they have some data that ranks empathy as the number one leadership skill,
36:25
reporting that leaders who master empathy perform more than 40% higher in coaching,
36:29
engaging others, decision-making.
36:30
And in a separate study by the Center for Creative Leadership,
36:33
researchers found that managers who show more empathy toward their direct reports
36:36
are viewed as better performers by their bosses.
36:38
So look at that in the family setting and I will, I feel safe to say that that
36:42
will work in your relationships if you are cultivating empathy in that social awareness.
36:46
So by communicating with that empathy, you are better there,
36:50
able to support those around you, your team, your family.
36:53
But even more so, that practice also then improves you.
36:57
Instead of just getting rid of your discomfort, instead of just using anger
37:00
to get rid of a moment or to manipulate or to tell somebody they're wrong or
37:03
trying to always put yourself in this one-up position or it wasn't my fault.
37:06
That once you start embracing and learning the concepts around emotional intelligence,
37:12
this is why I continually hammer the every single opportunity that you have
37:16
to interact with another human is an opportunity for you to grow,
37:20
not for you to show how amazing you are and how much better you are than them
37:24
and all of those things. That's not the point.
37:27
And then finally, relationship management. That refers to your ability to influence,
37:31
coach, and mentor others and resolve conflict effectively.
37:33
Again, we're talking about the good kind. Some prefer to avoid conflict.
37:37
I know I am one who has often tried to avoid conflict.
37:41
But it's important to properly address issues as they arise.
37:44
Research shows that every unaddressed conflict can waste about eight hours of
37:47
company time in gossip and other unproductive activities, which starts to put
37:50
a drain on resources, morale.
37:53
So if you want to keep your team happy, you need to have those difficult conversations.
37:56
Part of my whole magnetic marriage course is about we're so afraid of contention
38:01
that we avoid tension altogether and tension is really where that growth occurs
38:05
when you have the right tools.
38:07
72% of employees ranked respectful treatment of all employees at all levels
38:12
as the top factor in their job satisfaction.
38:15
So I think it's safe to say that this concept of emotional intelligence,
38:19
it will not only make a leader more effective,
38:22
it will make you more effective as a human being and how you show up in your
38:25
relationships, how you show up in your home, and then there's an internal shift.
38:30
This is why I want to go back to you didn't know what you didn't know,
38:33
then you know you're not doing, you're doing more than you don't, and you become.
38:35
Because when you have become more emotionally intelligent, it doesn't mean you're
38:39
done, it doesn't mean it's over, but now you are on this amazing path where
38:43
every opportunity is one to self-confront and grow because it is a me issue.
38:48
And not that I don't find myself still wanting or needing some validation on
38:52
occasion, but you find yourself being more comfortable in your own skin.
38:57
And that becomes so, so powerful. Let me take you through a little bit of a
39:01
speed run of Jack and Jill's experience before we wrap things up.
39:05
So Jack's process of becoming, when he was in that he didn't know what he didn't
39:10
know phase, there were some key components, there were some key items that occurred.
39:15
One, when Jack's relative started to ask about his divorce a year ago,
39:19
he had reacted real defensively, and this was about the potential or possibility
39:23
of a divorce, and with irritation, and he felt like the question was intrusive.
39:28
And his response was really sharp and it was actually really rude.
39:32
He wasn't even aware of how his unresolved emotions about the possibility of
39:36
divorce were really influencing his behavior.
39:39
A few months now we go into that stage two, the conscious incompetence or now
39:42
you know but you struggle to act differently.
39:45
He's a few months into therapy, a similar situation occurs, and he was so much
39:49
more aware of his emotional triggers and he recognized that he was able to see
39:53
his defensive reaction.
39:54
It was right there on the surface and that that was an expression of his pain
39:57
and his frustration about the divorce, but that was a warning sign to him to
40:01
say, man, you need to take a look at this pain and this frustration,
40:05
and this is something we can work with.
40:07
Now, despite the awareness, he still kind of struggled to control his response,
40:10
and he was just visibly uncomfortable and annoyed, but he didn't call out anybody.
40:16
Then when he got into that stage three of conscious confidence,
40:18
or beginning to act differently, more often than not, he started to handle similar
40:23
inquiries with more composure, and he talked about what his experience was,
40:26
and he understands the difficulties that he has put his wife and family through.
40:30
And at this point, he absolutely hopes that he's given another chance,
40:34
but he needs to become the very best person he can be.
40:37
And so where he would still feel a little bit of a surge of defensiveness,
40:40
but he was so aware and conscious and was able to respond calmly and he acknowledged
40:46
that, again, his actions are and it wasn't from a place of wanting to get validation
40:51
or to try to throw himself under the bus to play the victim.
40:54
But he just was able to acknowledge what he now knew that he didn't know before
40:59
and that he could sit with that discomfort because he was on this path of growth.
41:03
Then you go, it was almost a year later at that point, the couple's doing pretty well.
41:08
And he talked about being at this similar family gathering. And then somebody
41:12
was asking more, they didn't realize all the work he had done and they were
41:16
calling him out on the person he had been a year before.
41:19
And he said that, he said, my response was so different.
41:23
He said, I was able to have empathy and understanding that, of course,
41:26
this person doesn't know what I've gone through over the last year.
41:28
And so I can understand why they would even be making the jokes they're making.
41:33
And he said he spoke really openly and reflected about his experience over the
41:37
last year, and he said, I really didn't feel any distress or any defensiveness.
41:41
Because he had internalized this whole concept of his emotional intelligence
41:46
to the point where he could discuss really sensitive topics like how close he
41:49
was to divorce with ease.
41:51
And he said it was even an understanding and where he really now wanted to just
41:54
start to just be so intentional about the way he lived his life and especially
41:58
with his wife and his family so that he could be that light unto others if people
42:04
were looking to him in that way.
42:07
So his response he said at that point was so natural that he said it really
42:10
just demonstrated to him a very deep level of self-awareness.
42:13
Emotional regulation, and I remember wanting to, if I had a printer in my office,
42:19
print him up a little certificate that said you are now emotionally mature.
42:23
They continue to come to therapy from time to time and
42:26
because now they recognize there are things that they still are
42:29
sure that they don't know that they don't know but that path
42:32
to becoming more emotionally mature and emotionally intelligent has been an
42:37
absolute game changer not just for jack it's helping in the relationship as
42:41
well but then he said it's just opened up an entire new world to him the way
42:45
he interacts with people in his family his kids at his church in in his work,
42:49
with his friendships, and it's just fascinating.
42:51
I hope that each and every one of you will remember that a pack of flamingos
42:56
is called a flamboyance,
42:58
and go get your eyes checked if you need glasses, and dry eyes is a real thing,
43:03
but even more important is you are the only version of you walking the face of the earth,
43:09
and what an opportunity you have to learn through the discomfort and become more self-aware.
43:16
Are you one of those people who says, you know I'm 95 one of those 95 percenters
43:20
who who think I'm pretty self-aware but,
43:22
I don't know are you maybe only one of the 10 to 15 percent that actually are
43:26
or you have somewhere in between probably it's where we all I think most of
43:30
us land especially if you're listening to this podcast you made it this far
43:33
through you're in a place where you do want to learn more to get better,
43:38
so I have all the confidence in the world that you will send me your questions
43:41
send me your thoughts send me your examples and pass this episode along to somebody
43:46
that you think it might help and I appreciate the support taking us out per
43:50
usual the wonderful the talented Aurora Florence with her song It's Wonderful.
43:54
Have a great week and we'll see you next time on The Virtual Catch.
43:56
Music.