Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E237: Discipline Without Shame: Dr. Sears Breaks It Down | Lila Rose Show

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E237: Discipline Without Shame: Dr. Sears Breaks It Down | Lila Rose Show · The Lila Rose Show

• 0:00
  Kids who come in, who were disciplined beautifully, I would
• 0:02
  ask a mom, tell me what you're doing, and I would write that
• 0:05
  down over 25 years. What is your take on spanking
• 0:08
  timeouts and tone of voice? OK, spanking, timeout and tone
• 0:12
  of voice. Why is attachment and connection
• 0:14
  so essential for growing a healthy child's?
• 0:17
  Because I put a big sign up on the bathroom mirror.
• 0:19
  What our baby needs most is a happy, rested mother.
• 0:23
  There's one phrase that books and pediatricians should keep
• 0:27
  their mouth shut on, and that is.
• 0:29
  This is why you're America's favorite pediatrician Dr.
• 0:31
  shares. It's such good common sense.
• 0:35
  Hello everyone, welcome back to the Lila Ro show.
• 0:37
  I am so excited today we have on my favorite pediatrician.
• 0:40
  He was called by Oprah in the past America's pediatrician.
• 0:44
  He is really the expert on all things parenting in my view from
• 0:47
  a values based perspective. Today we're deep diving the
• 0:50
  question of discipline. What does discipline mean?
• 0:53
  What are the approaches to discipline that are going to
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  best help your child flourish? What about attachment parenting?
• 1:00
  What about sleep training connected to discipline,
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  timeouts, tantrums? What about tone of voice?
• 1:06
  What about spanking? And so many more topics.
• 1:09
  This episode was made with you in mind, with your children in
• 1:12
  mind, or with your future children in mind.
• 1:14
  If you're not a parent yet, or with somebody else's children in
• 1:16
  mind of a family that you love, Please don't forget to share
• 1:19
  this episode with friends with family to help the show reach
• 1:22
  more people. Also, thank you so much to our
• 1:24
  growing community. We have over 325,000 subscribers
• 1:28
  and growing every single day. This is the best community on
• 1:31
  the Internet in my very biased opinion.
• 1:34
  Everybody here is so thoughtful and so eager to grow, to help
• 1:37
  other people grow. That's what we're all about on
• 1:38
  the show. What is good, what is true, what
• 1:40
  is beautiful. And so if you're listening, make
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  sure you're subscribed. Also make sure that if you're
• 1:45
  listening on podcast app, you leave us a review.
• 1:48
  Give us five stars that helps the show reach more people.
• 1:51
  And thank you so much to everybody who listens to the
• 1:53
  show. Doctor Bill Sears, welcome back
• 1:55
  to the podcast. Thank.
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  You, Lila, it's my honor to be. I'm we have to have you back.
• 2:00
  You're a huge favorite with thousands and thousands and over
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  the years, millions of people who have been benefited by your
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  work. You have over 40 books.
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  You have been in practice now for decades.
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  Your sons are in practice now. And your lovely wife, Martha, I
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  want to just start with her because I was very blessed to
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  get to attend her funeral. Thank you so much for allowing
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  me to attend the world lost an incredibly beautiful soul but
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  haven't gained 1. And I just want to say I'm so
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  sorry for your loss and thank you for the legacy of of Martha
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  because it has. She has been a huge inspiration
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  to countless mothers. Thank you, Lydell.
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  You mentioned the magic work legacy, because what I'm feeling
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  right now as you're talking is just about every word that will
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  come from my mouth. Today is what I learned from
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  Martha. She left the legacy in my brain
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  that I want to convey to others. She and you have had eight
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  children together, and you wrote over 40 books.
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  Today on the show, we're going to talk about one in particular,
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  the discipline book, which is just an incredible wealth of
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  knowledge. As a young mother myself, I have
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  benefited. And I do want to say one more
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  thing on Martha because, you know, this is part of her body
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  of work with you. But after her passing just a few
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  weeks ago, there have been thousands of mothers who have
• 3:29
  reached out to your family. What are some of the things that
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  they've been saying? Well, again, over over thousands
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  of cards and emails and all that came in and they all had when
• 3:43
  she was sick, they all had two messages.
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  We're praying for Martha. We're here for you, Bill.
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  After she went to heaven. The message were thank you,
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  Martha, for for validating my mother's intuition.
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  You help me get on track when the other books were telling me
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  otherwise. You validated my intuition and
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  my children are so much better because I followed your advice.
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  And that's from so many people. They that's, that's the
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  underlying message. Thank you.
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  Thank you for validating my intuition.
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  Beautiful. There were two.
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  There was a family I met at the funeral.
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  Afterwards we were chatting. The mother had a few sons and
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  she was saying to me she didn't even know Martha well
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  personally, but she was saying that she knew Martha because of
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  Martha's work and that Martha had helped her raise her sons.
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  And one of the sons was there close bond with mom and adult
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  son. He has his own children.
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  His wife was saying, Martha helps me love.
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  They have two children and counting helps me love my
• 4:51
  children. So today we're going to get into
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  this really beautiful, very natural philosophy that you and
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  Martha have on child rearing, particularly with regard to
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  discipline. And we're going to talk about
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  some of the extremes that are out there on parenting that go
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  people point people, quite frankly, the wrong direction.
• 5:08
  Let's start with the why. Why did you write this book on
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  discipline with Martha? Well, the discipline book is, as
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  you mentioned, it's actually one of our favorite books for one
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  reason. It was written on the job, All
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  right. So we kept having children.
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  Children #1 #2 they just kept popping out, shall we say.
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  And after eight children, 25 years parenting, 8 children, we
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  had kept a lot of notes about discipline.
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  We'd do something, it worked, we'd write it down.
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  We'd do something that didn't work, we'd write it down.
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  And then I used my office as a laboratory.
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  You know, kids, you kids who come in, who were disciplined
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  beautifully. They gave eye contact, they
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  obeyed their mom, they seemed happy, they seemed to feel
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  right. And I would ask a mom, tell me
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  what you're doing, and I would write that down over 25 years.
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  So the disciplined book Lila is 300 pages of stories of what
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  we've learned that works for most families most of the time.
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  And that's why we decide to put it all into a book.
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  And I'd say there's probably 300 tips.
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  There are three 400 tips and stories because parents will
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  remember stories, you know, And so it's a kind of a fun read to
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  we tell him, we tell about horror mistakes and how we
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  corrected them because I told parents, don't go back.
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  Don't say I should have Woulda. Kids are resilient.
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  Kids are resilient. You can always make up for
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  things. And one other thing too, I tell
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  it which say this in the book, Don't dwell on past memories
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  that were negative. I should have done this with my
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  child. No, because part of the brain,
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  there's a happy center and a sad center.
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  The part of the brain that files negative memories is very
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  unreliable, where the part of the brain that that files good
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  memories is very reliable. So don't go back, go forward.
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  I love that and it's hopeful because I'm sure people
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  listening already, especially the parents, are thinking I've
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  already made mistakes. And this is a a place to no
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  judgement zone, a place for encouragement and support
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  because it's never too late to love your children, even if
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  they're adults. And if you haven't had kids yet,
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  this is great information to prepare.
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  You for it. What you just said was parents
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  says 0. I'm tired when will my life get
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  back to normal? I said this is your normal life.
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  When will can I stop disciplining my child?
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  You're always going to be disciplining your child at all
• 8:19
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• 9:11
  Let's start with the philosophical principles.
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  Even the word discipline today is a little controversial
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  because people say there's some people who take a more
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  authoritarian approach about child rearing, others who say
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  let the child kind of do their own thing, like guide them
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  gently. Gentle parenting is another
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  popular term. What do we mean when we say
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  discipline? And how do you and Martha
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  approach this philosophically at a foundational level for how to
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  parent children? Well, discipline simply comes
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  from the Latin word to teach discipline.
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  In a nutshell, Lila is teaching your children the tools to
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  succeed in life. Teaching.
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  That's what parenting is. Teaching is tools.
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  Do you give your child a toolbox to carry the rest of their life?
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  Think this, not that. Do this, not that.
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  Think twice before you do something, you know, Think
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  before you act. You want a sensitive child, a
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  caring child, a child who who respects authority.
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  And so that's what discipline. This is why we are one of our
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  favorite books is discipline because tell us though there
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  there you ask about different styles.
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  What is in the discipline book is the what works, what works,
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  period. But see, to sell books, people
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  have to come up with different things.
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  And I remember one of those was the baby training.
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  Baby training is great. It's how you train a pet.
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  It's great for pets, not for babies.
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  So I'll tell you a story. We and I learned from my
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  practice. So I had a very nice couple come
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  in. I looked after the baby from
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  birth on. They came in, baby was three
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  months of age and for the checkup and father says, doctor,
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  he's such a good baby. He sleeps through the night, he
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  feeds on schedule, he doesn't cry.
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  He's such a good baby. OK, I didn't say anything.
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  And so I examine the baby. The baby has problems.
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  We call in medicine apathetic. There was no affect.
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  Didn't look me in the eye. He was sad he hadn't gained much
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  weight over the last month. It's called thriving.
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  He wasn't thriving. So I asked mom, said mom, how do
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  you feel about this? And she started crying.
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  She started crying. They were raising their baby on
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  a book, some baby training book, like you turn them like that.
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  And she said to me, Doctor Bill, that never felt right in my
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  heart. It never felt right.
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  And I says yes, because it's not right.
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  It's not right. And then I talked about mother's
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  intuition. See when when a mother births a
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  baby, which as a simple male I think is the greatest, greatest
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  miracle on earth, watching a beautiful baby coming into the
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  world. Now think about it.
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  The creator of one of the most beautiful creations, a baby
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  wants that baby to grow up, right?
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  Right acting, right thinking, right, being happy.
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  So the creator would naturally put into mother's brain what we
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  call mother's intuition or mommy brain, whichever you want to
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  call it. And in that mommy brain are two
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  hormones, prolactin and oxytocin.
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  These are hormones which are like a a discipline is like an
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  orchestra is harmony between mother and baby and father and
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  baby a harmony. Those hormones are like an
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  orchestra directors it telling mom what to do.
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  Do this, not that baby cries. You do what you think.
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  Nobody can tell you how long to let a baby cry.
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  No baby, nobody else but mom and dad.
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  So your intuition will tell you when to pick up your baby, when
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  not to, when to feed, when not to, when to hold your baby, when
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  not to see. So mother's intuition is the key
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  to discipline, and those who follow it are almost always on
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  the right track. And that story was an incident
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  where mother follows someone else's thought instead of her
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  own intuition. And she got back on track and
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  baby start gaining weight. Start looking at things and see
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  babies. Babies are resilient.
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  That's a big word. Babies are resilient.
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  They will bounce back like this baby did in a couple months back
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  to normal. What would you say to mothers
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  who feel that or they're. They're, I should say they're
• 14:49
  worried about their intuition. Yeah, they're, they're worried
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  about being able to trust themselves to the degree that
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  maybe you're recommending. And maybe it's because they
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  weren't mothered in the way that is best for them.
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  Maybe because they have just some sort of self esteem or
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  self-confidence issues. Maybe it's because of the
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  relationship they have with the father.
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  There could be they're a single mom even.
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  There could be all these reasons for a lack of confidence that a
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  mother may have. What?
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  What advice would you give to that mother?
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  You described my mother in a way.
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  In a way single mom. My dad took off.
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  I was a month of age, we were what would be called now,
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  underprivileged, financially very poor, but spiritually rich.
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  And my mom was smart enough to surround me with quality male
• 15:43
  mentors. And so if you are a mother who
• 15:48
  needs some support on are you doing the right thing or single
• 15:54
  mom, surround yourself with other moms.
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  Get into a group. You know, there are mothers
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  groups all over and learn from them.
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  Learn from them because your intuitions there.
• 16:08
  And I would say believe in yourself.
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  Just believe in yourself. Tell yourself we've discussed
• 16:16
  this on other program. Tell yourself what I have the
• 16:19
  greatest degree in the world, MOM, you know, take pride and
• 16:25
  you have done the greatest job in the world growing and
• 16:31
  birthing a little human being inside of you.
• 16:35
  Wow. And that little baby, what you
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  put into his brain, now you're going to affect that baby.
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  Affect that baby for the next 8090 years.
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  There's no prescription drug for that.
• 16:54
  It's only what mom can give, see.
• 16:56
  So I, I kind of lift up a mom when they're down and other
• 17:02
  moms, there are many supports, support resources for that.
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  delivered. What does discipline look like
• 18:19
  when that child is very young in the first year of life?
• 18:22
  With regard to food, with regard to sleep?
• 18:26
  What do you recommend as core principles for especially moms
• 18:30
  but for for parents? Yeah.
• 18:31
  So the first year is that you're of dependency of the child.
• 18:37
  That's when mommy brain is sort of the highest mommy brain is is
• 18:43
  is high then. OK.
• 18:47
  One of the first things I recommend to mothers is to take
• 18:51
  care of yourself. Take care of yourself.
• 18:56
  I think I've told you the story before one time when Martha was
• 19:02
  told me, oh, I don't have time to take a shower.
• 19:06
  My my baby needs me so much. And in other words, from mommy
• 19:12
  brain was she was exhausted and I said her honey, I put a big
• 19:17
  sign up on the bathroom mirror. What our baby needs most is a
• 19:21
  happy, rested mother. So I took over father nursing
• 19:26
  and I took over, you know, just the neck Nestle and all.
• 19:30
  So that's perfect. Take care of yourself.
• 19:32
  A baby needs a happy rested mom. So if you're burning out, gets
• 19:38
  help. Grandmothers, grandfathers,
• 19:42
  friends, get advice from a mother you know that you really
• 19:47
  respect. Get some advice.
• 19:49
  All right, so we help healthy yourself.
• 19:53
  Secondly, you mentioned feed your children well see the
• 19:58
  brain. The brain grows the fastest
• 20:03
  during that first year or two. Just when disciplined, sometimes
• 20:06
  the toughest. The brain is the number one
• 20:10
  organ that's most sensitive to nutrition.
• 20:14
  You put junk food into a child's brain, you get junk behavior.
• 20:20
  Same way with mothers during pregnancy.
• 20:22
  They need to eat well now. Something new.
• 20:25
  I always like to bring out something new.
• 20:28
  This was discovered a few years ago.
• 20:32
  Why mothers get depressed? A lot of it's what's called
• 20:37
  omega-3 insufficiency. Omega threes called DHA are the
• 20:45
  the big the smartest fat in the brain.
• 20:49
  When the baby's brain grows the fastest in that last trimester
• 20:53
  of pregnancy, the baby literally sucks the DHA out of mom.
• 21:00
  So the baby gets the DHA, but mom doesn't.
• 21:04
  So mother's mommy's brain is insufficient, so she gets
• 21:08
  depressed. So maternal nutrition during
• 21:12
  pregnancy, especially the last three months, the first three
• 21:15
  months afterwards, is extremely important.
• 21:18
  And our Healthy pregnancy book, one of the largest chapters is
• 21:22
  on maternal nutrition in our Healthy pregnancy book.
• 21:26
  That's just an example there. And then finally one other It's
• 21:33
  called shaping young tastes. First, solid foods.
• 21:39
  Not rice cereal, not junk. I remember you talking about
• 21:42
  that. It was really good.
• 21:43
  And the salmon, the avocado. Avocado.
• 21:47
  Avocado at six months, Salmon at seven months, Salmon at seven
• 21:51
  months. There are 10 nutrients in salmon
• 21:55
  that are good for the brain. See, if a child doesn't have a
• 21:58
  healthy brain, they're not going to behave.
• 22:01
  Do you think for that first year of life, along with the food and
• 22:04
  the mother's self-care in terms of the sleeping and just the the
• 22:10
  baby feeling bonded? Because I think about the
• 22:12
  tendency to put, you know, kids in daycare because the mom's
• 22:15
  working or put the child just in the bassinet for a long time or
• 22:18
  put the child in the crib, let the child cry itself to sleep.
• 22:20
  Children. Children need high touch most
• 22:24
  children not high touch parenting wear your baby wear
• 22:30
  your baby a lot in carriers. You hire a daycare provider in
• 22:35
  your home. I I want you to wear my baby
• 22:38
  three hours a day and explain why that this is all in our
• 22:43
  books about the more you wear them, the happier and more
• 22:47
  disciplined they are. But you tell the care, but you
• 22:50
  explain to the caregiver and in when you're interviewing
• 22:56
  caregivers. Well, the first question we
• 22:59
  would ask tell me Susie, what what would you do just reflex by
• 23:06
  reflex when Matthew cries, What would what would you do?
• 23:11
  Well, listen well, I would pick him up and help him and hold him
• 23:15
  good. You're hired.
• 23:17
  What would you say is the role of a father in the parenting
• 23:22
  dynamic, especially for these young children?
• 23:24
  We're kind of focusing in this interview largely on, I would
• 23:26
  say, years zero to five, although we're going to maybe
• 23:29
  touch on beyond five. So hang around even if you're
• 23:32
  past the three to five years, if parents are listening, but you
• 23:36
  know, you're talking the mother's intuition.
• 23:38
  You have a whole chapter in your book called Fathers as
• 23:42
  disciplinarians. What is that dynamic that you
• 23:46
  recommend between mother and father with regard to parenting?
• 23:50
  And how does it also take into account for other different
• 23:52
  kinds of personalities? Because some fathers have, you
• 23:55
  know, don't have the typical, maybe stereotypical male macho
• 24:00
  personality, depending on what it is versus mother ring super
• 24:02
  nurturing. There's also that.
• 24:04
  Difference. You just mentioned the word
• 24:05
  macho. OK, The macho dad.
• 24:10
  OK. The macho dad can learn
• 24:12
  sensitivity, see. So even the macho dad can do
• 24:17
  that. So I will tell you the story of
• 24:21
  my note, my own growth from making mistakes to growing into
• 24:27
  a good dad. First two children, Bob and Jim,
• 24:31
  You've met them. OK, now Doctor Jim and Doctor
• 24:34
  Bob, they were rather easy babies, you know, And Martha was
• 24:41
  so good at discipline, I thought I'll, I'll, I'll get involved
• 24:47
  when they're old enough to throw a football, you know, I'll get
• 24:51
  involved when old enough for sports.
• 24:53
  Big mistake. One day Martha sat me down and I
• 24:58
  was, I was very involved in my career then.
• 25:01
  I was still a res a a intern and resident.
• 25:06
  I was just finishing my residency at the Hospital for
• 25:09
  sick children and was offered a big job there at the world's
• 25:13
  largest hospital. Martha sits me down and looks at
• 25:19
  me. And you know, men, when a woman
• 25:24
  looks at you with what I call the look, you know, you just
• 25:31
  want to shut your mouth and listen and just say yes, dear to
• 25:36
  whatever she says. She looks at me and she says,
• 25:41
  Bill, now I've learned when she calls me, honey, it's just a
• 25:45
  wish. When she calls me, Bill is
• 25:48
  serious. So she says Bill you're married
• 25:52
  to medicine, you are married to medicine.
• 25:59
  And it that those 3 words, Lila went over my brain like a wave.
• 26:05
  She was right. I put my career before my
• 26:11
  family. I didn't realize that, but it
• 26:15
  hit me so much that I turned down a job at the hospital.
• 26:22
  I wanted to be a small town doc. I just wanted to practice simple
• 26:28
  Pediatrics. So I realized that I had to make
• 26:34
  a shift. And that shift was Martha, You
• 26:38
  first, me second, you first, me 2nd.
• 26:45
  And that philosophy carried through for the next 50 years of
• 26:50
  our marriage. You know, you first, me second,
• 26:55
  but those 3 words, those words married to medicine was that
• 27:00
  caused me to change. And then I realized I didn't
• 27:04
  know my children as well. And that's the key to
• 27:08
  discipline. Get to know your child, get to
• 27:13
  know your child. They'll carry them a lot, be
• 27:17
  with them a lot. And, and I started doing that
• 27:24
  and they'd fall asleep on my chest and they'd, I'd do a
• 27:28
  father nursing. We've talked about that before.
• 27:33
  And I'd hum, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, my little
• 27:38
  baby. And fathers can actually do that
• 27:42
  sometimes as well, if not better than mom's because babies
• 27:46
  respond to the deep male voice and the humming, the vibration
• 27:50
  of your cheek. Babies here with the skull bones
• 27:53
  vibrating too. So I could father nurse.
• 27:57
  I couldn't breastfeed, but I could father nurse.
• 28:01
  They mother's nurse, father's nurse, I could father nurse.
• 28:04
  So it was like, wow, wow. And then we kept having babies.
• 28:11
  Then number two, number three, then number six, Matthew, he
• 28:16
  really changed my fathering. He was going to be the our last
• 28:21
  baby because we kept saying that, well, let's have one,
• 28:23
  let's have more. So Matthew #6 so I thought, OK,
• 28:28
  he's going to be our last. I really want to give him my
• 28:31
  best. So I moved my office into our
• 28:35
  home into our I renovated the garage into an office.
• 28:39
  The teenagers will call it Doctor Bill's Garage and Body
• 28:42
  Shop. See, so, so and I go in between
• 28:47
  patients and see Matt and I'd hold him a lot and I would be
• 28:54
  finished my office around 5:00. And I go in the door and there's
• 29:00
  Matthew in the living room, and he would crawl when he see me
• 29:04
  come in, he would crawl over to the door where the baby carrier,
• 29:11
  the baby sling was hanging. And he would point up to that
• 29:16
  because in his mind, Daddy comes home, puts me in the carrier,
• 29:22
  and we take a walk together. And he sings to me.
• 29:26
  He's goofy, he does funny things.
• 29:29
  And we're together. That's in his mind, so sweet.
• 29:33
  And so that is father. Father discipline, you know, And
• 29:40
  it's different than Mommy, OK, mommy brain, daddy brain.
• 29:45
  And it's different for a reason. See, I think God put, I think
• 29:49
  male and female is the greatest of God's creation.
• 29:52
  But they blend together. So they blend.
• 29:56
  Like for example, taking a child to a playground.
• 30:01
  Mommies are protectors. OK, When the 2 year old starts
• 30:05
  to climb on the monkey bars, mommy will say be careful honey,
• 30:12
  Daddy will say climb higher. Mommy's a protector, Dad's an
• 30:17
  encourager. They blend.
• 30:19
  They're both right. So that's just our my personal
• 30:23
  story of learning how to be disciplined.
• 30:27
  And I was never happier because I was doing what was right.
• 30:32
  A big principle that you're speaking to, what you talk about
• 30:35
  in your book as well, is this idea of connection, discipline
• 30:41
  from a foundation of connection or attachment and discipline, I
• 30:45
  think sounds like a negative word, like you're punishing,
• 30:49
  you're, you're, you know, prodding, pushing, pulling the
• 30:52
  kid at a certain direction. But it's really about, like you
• 30:55
  said, getting to know the child, loving the child, nurturing the
• 30:57
  child, building connection with the child.
• 30:59
  Why is attachment and connection so essential for growing a
• 31:04
  healthy child right? Because what you, what you
• 31:06
  mentioned, attachment and connection, it helps you get
• 31:10
  behind the eyes of the child. The discipline is getting into
• 31:15
  the mind of your child. And I'm going to tell you a
• 31:21
  couple examples now of what that means.
• 31:25
  I remember 1 time 2 year old Lauren, she opened the the
• 31:32
  refrigerator door and pulled out a big bowl of nuts and throw
• 31:37
  them all over the floor. Just threw them all over the
• 31:40
  floor. And I'm standing there as a
• 31:43
  daddy and I'm ready to pick her up kindly but firmly take her to
• 31:51
  a room and talk with her. And but, but I learned Bill,
• 31:58
  think before you act with discipline.
• 32:01
  I said take a deep breath, wait a few seconds and I watched
• 32:07
  Martha see Lauren had what we call temper tantrum.
• 32:14
  We call them hissy fits, hissy fits, temper tantrum.
• 32:18
  She lost her mind. She was throwing things all
• 32:21
  over. Martha gets down on the at her
• 32:24
  level, eye level, eye to eye, speaks caringly and softly and
• 32:32
  talks to to Lauren and give her a little hug and say, now let's
• 32:40
  pick up all the nuts together and put them back where they
• 32:43
  belong and put them back in the fridge.
• 32:47
  And I'm watching this said wow, said honey, all right, because
• 32:53
  I'm still learning. All right.
• 32:55
  I said, how did you know what to do?
• 32:59
  She said. I got behind the eyes and into
• 33:04
  the mind of my daughter and thought, if I were Lauren, how
• 33:11
  would I want my mother to react? If I were Lauren, how would I
• 33:16
  want my mother to react? And I did so see, so she
• 33:21
  discipline to her discipline is getting to the mind of your
• 33:25
  child and thinking, OK, if I were my child, how would my
• 33:31
  child want me to react in a way that helped her change her mind
• 33:38
  and get her on the right track. So that's the story.
• 33:41
  And then another one with Matt number six.
• 33:45
  He's a very hyper focused child. He could when he was into
• 33:50
  something, he wanted to finish it.
• 33:52
  He really liked to get into play and look at puzzles and all.
• 33:57
  So I remember one time it was a time to go.
• 34:02
  We had an appointment or something.
• 34:04
  So Martha picks him up and takes him either to bed or to
• 34:11
  appointment and he starts slailing and getting very angry
• 34:15
  and everything. And Martha and I are talking
• 34:18
  about this. We say OK, let's try something
• 34:21
  else next time. It was time to go to bed or time
• 34:25
  for appointment. We went over to Matt and we said
• 34:32
  OK Matt say bye bye to the toys, bye bye to the trucks, bye bye
• 34:40
  to the cars, bye bye to teddy bear, hug teddy bear, night,
• 34:45
  night to teddy bear. Give him some time to come out
• 34:50
  of his focus into something, say bye bye, take time and then he
• 34:57
  would willingly come off to bed. See, but we had to 1st get into
• 35:02
  his mind and figure out what can we do, what can we change that
• 35:08
  will help his mind change so that he will mind us.
• 35:14
  See, that's getting in his mind to help him mind us.
• 35:19
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  today. Both of those examples which are
• 36:26
  very beautiful and and profound. There's an underlying principle
• 36:30
  there, of course, of attachment, connection, but also of leading
• 36:34
  the child without expecting blind and immediate obedience.
• 36:39
  And I think that's a maybe a current debate of sorts.
• 36:43
  But certainly an ongoing question for a lot of parents
• 36:46
  today is they want their child to obey and and listen to them,
• 36:49
  you know, and obviously if it's an emergency, they're walking
• 36:51
  into a St. come back, you know, stop right now, you know, So,
• 36:54
  but certainly with day-to-day things, we got to go or eat your
• 36:57
  food or it's time for bed or whatever it is.
• 37:00
  And it sounds like what you're saying, it will correct me if
• 37:02
  I'm wrong, that perhaps our expectations as parents of the
• 37:07
  speed at which the immediacy at which a child obeys depending on
• 37:12
  the task, depending on the context, might be a grown up
• 37:15
  expectation that we have. So how would you?
• 37:19
  What is your view then on how to know how to have the right
• 37:25
  expectations for very young children?
• 37:28
  That's a good question. The right expectations see
• 37:32
  children go through stages. Stages.
• 37:37
  The first year is strictly dependence.
• 37:42
  They're depending on you to feed them, they care for them to, to
• 37:46
  love them, to hold them. Dependence from 1:00 to 2:00 is
• 37:53
  a tough time. Independence, I do it myself.
• 37:57
  I do it myself. I do it myself, you know.
• 38:00
  And then the next stage is interdependence.
• 38:05
  We call it from 2 on, meaning that you do it and you blend
• 38:13
  with mom and dad to help you is interdependent on each other.
• 38:21
  See. So the child will want to do
• 38:25
  things but needs the guidance of the parents.
• 38:29
  For example, kids like to grab things in that independent
• 38:35
  stage, you know, and say you're at dinner, dinner time and they
• 38:42
  grab a knife from your plate or they grab a fork.
• 38:51
  No, Lila, say you're Lila. You can't play with the fork or
• 38:57
  the knife, but you can play with the spoon.
• 39:01
  So it's called distract and substitute quickly to get their
• 39:06
  mind on. They want to grab something so
• 39:08
  quickly, UN grab what's dangerous for them.
• 39:12
  They could poke themselves and just don't think the babies,
• 39:17
  toddlers don't think that way. I could hurt myself.
• 39:20
  They need the parent mind to do that.
• 39:23
  And that's just an example. You can't play with this, but
• 39:27
  you can play with that. And I learned that in my office
• 39:31
  too. I would see when you go a
• 39:34
  pediatrician's office, she's been there lots of things to
• 39:37
  grab. You know, my toys, OK, my doctor
• 39:41
  toys and a child's natural instinct is to that's how they
• 39:48
  learn. They want to pick up things and
• 39:50
  look at them explore. And so I would purposely put
• 39:56
  they toys, toddler toys in my office like a like a teddy bear
• 40:01
  with a stethoscope, so they could take the stethoscope also
• 40:04
  teddy bear and place with it that was theirs.
• 40:07
  See, because I had to respect the fact that this was normal
• 40:12
  toddler behavior. When you walk into a room and
• 40:16
  you see new things, you want to explore them.
• 40:20
  So give them new things to explore, but you're in charge.
• 40:25
  You're in charge of what they explore.
• 40:28
  That's not control, It's being in charge.
• 40:31
  I can be in charge of what they explore.
• 40:34
  That's discipline. When they hit the age of that
• 40:39
  defiance age, and that's usually starting after one right?
• 40:44
  And you are creating, you know, you mentioned deflect and
• 40:47
  distract or distract and substitute.
• 40:50
  Excuse me, distract and substitute.
• 40:52
  And then you mentioned, you know, understanding the child in
• 40:55
  the way they're wired to kind of fill in other opportunities for
• 40:58
  them or slow them down for prepare for bedtime ritual.
• 41:01
  These are kind of ideas for how to work with your child to to
• 41:05
  achieve not just the behavior, but to teach them about how to
• 41:08
  live. You know, it's not just like you
• 41:10
  want a behavior for make your life easy.
• 41:11
  You want to help the child grow and live.
• 41:15
  I, I want to ask you about that stage.
• 41:18
  Maybe, you know, past twos are not like a terrible 2 tantrums
• 41:22
  per SE. They might still have the
• 41:23
  tantrum occasionally, but they are also still learning
• 41:27
  boundaries, They're developing interests.
• 41:30
  You know, they're, they're kind of having a whole world of
• 41:33
  experiences. What are the principles you
• 41:37
  would recommend for the, you know, the top discipline tips
• 41:41
  you would recommend for the child?
• 41:43
  2 plus, you know, maybe up 345 even going into 6 for those
• 41:49
  critical years. Yeah, for those critical years
• 41:52
  and see the and I'm glad you mentioned the critical years.
• 41:57
  A child's brain grows the fastest in the first five years,
• 42:05
  90% of a child's brain first five years.
• 42:11
  So remember that why discipline is most important in those early
• 42:20
  years. Discipline is most important in
• 42:24
  those early years, any age, all ages, but mostly when the
• 42:29
  child's brain, you want them to file in their brain.
• 42:33
  Do this, not that think this, not that, say this, not that,
• 42:39
  you know, So you're all those, those discipline things, you
• 42:45
  know, for example, we start around five years of age when
• 42:50
  you have a lot of children, the house is a mess.
• 42:53
  OK, that's great. And we thought, OK, we might as
• 42:59
  well start teaching them. And I would, I would yell out,
• 43:04
  OK, it's tidy time. It's tidy time.
• 43:08
  Tidy time meant they all go to the their rooms and they share a
• 43:12
  room and they work and tidy up their rooms and put on them and
• 43:16
  then we go out and play, hey, it's tidy time, see.
• 43:21
  And so they imprinted in their mind that dad, dad taught them
• 43:27
  tidy time is an expectation ahead of them.
• 43:31
  All right, siblings, all right. This is the value of a large
• 43:39
  family. Lila, I'm so glad you have three
• 43:43
  children. What?
• 43:44
  What? We hope to have more.
• 43:46
  We hope to have many more. OK, I hope you do see older
• 43:49
  children learn discipline by how they're taught to treat their
• 43:55
  siblings. You teach a 5 year old to to
• 44:02
  help take care of a three-year old.
• 44:07
  A three-year old take care of a one year old.
• 44:10
  Let's say the three-year old, they're always scraping,
• 44:15
  scraping themselves. Band aids, band aids everywhere.
• 44:18
  OK, they're putting a little Band-Aid on a scrape.
• 44:22
  So say your 3 year old scrapes his arm and it's not bleeding,
• 44:29
  but almost. It's kind of where you get the
• 44:32
  five year old to help you put the Band-Aid on it.
• 44:37
  OK, so Peter, would you get a go get a Band-Aid from Mommy and
• 44:42
  let's help help me put it on Leo's little ouchie.
• 44:48
  Ouchie. Leo has an ouchie.
• 44:51
  Let's help the ouchie. See.
• 44:54
  So you teach them that. And it's interesting.
• 44:57
  They they like that usually maybe not the first the first
• 45:01
  time, but it makes them feel important.
• 45:07
  Called sensitivity. Sensitivity is probably the part
• 45:12
  of discipline to Lila that's so misunderstood.
• 45:18
  And I see that in my office parents.
• 45:20
  What could bring in all my daughter's been told at school
• 45:24
  she's too sensitive. She's too sensitive.
• 45:27
  The world needs more sensitive children.
• 45:30
  Yeah, and so large families, the olders learn how to take care of
• 45:36
  the youngers, for example. And Doctor Bob, who's done on
• 45:42
  your show, in our when we had our 50th anniversary, we asked
• 45:47
  our children to write down their memories of what they remember
• 45:53
  most of of their mom and I as parents, as that's how we loved
• 46:02
  each other. And we put a big plaque on our
• 46:04
  wall that you'll have to look when you come over.
• 46:08
  And what they remembered a lot, and this is important for
• 46:14
  parents of a lot of children. They remembered how Martha and I
• 46:23
  took care of each other. We modeled for them, caring for
• 46:31
  one another. And I tell you a story about
• 46:35
  what Bob wrote one time, he said, Doctor Bobby said.
• 46:39
  I remember mostly how no matter how hectic our house was, and it
• 46:45
  was with eight children, you and Mom always found time for one
• 46:50
  another. And one night a week was your
• 46:54
  dinner date. Your dinner date, no kids
• 46:59
  allowed. They were playing in the other
• 47:02
  room. Mom and dad would go to the
• 47:06
  front of the fireplace with our fondue pot.
• 47:09
  And that was our time together. And the kids were kind of
• 47:14
  around. But the older kids were in
• 47:17
  charge of the younger respecting mom and dad's time together.
• 47:24
  Bob still remembers that 50 years ago, you know, about 40
• 47:29
  years ago. And so modeling things seems
• 47:35
  like that. Those stay in your children's
• 47:38
  mind for a long time if they see parents angry at each other.
• 47:46
  If you're going to be angry at each other, try not to be around
• 47:48
  your children when you're angry, OK?
• 47:51
  Because kids think of your baby's, your child's mind as a
• 47:56
  sponge, a little sponge. That little sponge mind is
• 48:02
  watching everything you do and making a judgment.
• 48:08
  Is this right or wrong? Good, bad.
• 48:12
  How do I feel little sponge mind?
• 48:17
  The comment you made a moment ago, which is just, it's all
• 48:21
  very beautiful. It's all very, you know,
• 48:24
  wonderful examples that we just need to sit with and let them
• 48:27
  imprint on us. You made a comment about
• 48:30
  sensitivity is a part of discipline that's so
• 48:31
  misunderstood, and we need more sensitive children.
• 48:35
  And So what would you recommend for parenting specifically
• 48:40
  sensitive children? And I think about children that
• 48:42
  everything's a big deal. They have trouble maybe
• 48:45
  moderating their own emotions. You know, they have intensity.
• 48:48
  Maybe they get very upset about things and you know, you need to
• 48:52
  still like direct their behavior and have them listen and and do
• 48:56
  generally speaking, what you know you've got with the family
• 48:58
  mealtimes and bedtimes and activities and even started to
• 49:03
  teach them school, you know, doing more directed formal
• 49:05
  education. What do you recommend for for
• 49:08
  how to discipline, how to parent, especially a sensitive
• 49:11
  young child? Sensitive child, no story.
• 49:16
  I had AI see this among young teenagers, mostly girls because
• 49:23
  I think women are hormonally more sensitive and which is
• 49:29
  good. And the remember mom brings her
• 49:34
  child in for some counselling. It says how to bill.
• 49:40
  She keeps being told by teachers and and she's too sensitive.
• 49:45
  So I sat down with the child and talk to her what sensitivity
• 49:50
  means and I said just call her Susie.
• 49:56
  Susie do first of all celebrate your sensitivity.
• 50:03
  I want you to repeat what I just said.
• 50:06
  OK Doctor Bill, I will celebrate my sensitivity.
• 50:11
  Then I had to explain what that means.
• 50:13
  Say sensitivity means your care. You care for someone.
• 50:21
  You care if somebody is being hurt.
• 50:25
  You care if somebody's being wrong.
• 50:29
  You care if somebody's wrong instead of right.
• 50:34
  You hurt, you're sensitive, you care.
• 50:38
  Good, celebrate that. Now.
• 50:43
  What that means though, and she said well give me an example of
• 50:47
  why you're well I wasn't invited to a party and most my friends
• 50:52
  were. I said, OK, now first of all,
• 50:59
  the friend who didn't invite you to the party is not worth
• 51:04
  wasting your mental energy on. Cross it, OK, or it would make
• 51:14
  you feel better. When you have a party, you
• 51:17
  invite that friend because the friend will say, well, maybe I
• 51:24
  should have invited her. OK, so you're going to handle
• 51:27
  that. But what?
• 51:30
  You're what? For sensitive ladies especially,
• 51:35
  I said, Susie, you are likely to have fewer friends, but deeper
• 51:41
  friends. You are likely to have deeper
• 51:44
  relationships because you're sensitive.
• 51:47
  So I made AI took a negative and turn it into a positive and she
• 51:53
  got it and and the mom got it. See.
• 51:56
  So celebrate your sensitivity. But I, I do hear I do hear that
• 52:01
  you. I find that sensitive children
• 52:06
  need more care and I'll for example, another example, one of
• 52:11
  our our grandchildren is five years old.
• 52:17
  He's very sensitive. And I noticed this.
• 52:21
  I was kind of thinking so much about how can I help his
• 52:25
  behavior? How can I help his behavior?
• 52:28
  So I took him to the playground one day and A and a two year, 3
• 52:32
  year old, about 3 year old falls down and hurts himself.
• 52:36
  And he was the first one over to comfort this child.
• 52:41
  How can I help you? How can I put some sand on it?
• 52:46
  How can I help you? And I looked up, wow,
• 52:50
  sensitivity. I need to focus on his good
• 52:55
  qualities. I need to celebrate his
• 52:58
  sensitivity and quit being worried about some of the other
• 53:02
  behaviors. So sometimes sensitivity is like
• 53:07
  a great gift if it's channeled properly.
• 53:12
  What is your take on some of these nuts and bolts tools of
• 53:17
  discipline, whether it's for the sensitive child or not, that
• 53:20
  include things like timeouts or, you know, spanking is something
• 53:26
  we've discussed a little bit on the show before.
• 53:28
  There's still some people today who think, yeah, spanking.
• 53:31
  I was spanked as a kid, no problem.
• 53:34
  You know, I was a naughty kid. I needed it.
• 53:35
  You know, usually, sometimes I hear this from some dads who
• 53:37
  say, I got, I got the the Spanx and I'm, I'm good for it.
• 53:41
  And I heard the person say, no, it was very traumatic for me.
• 53:44
  And then of course, there's just the tone of voice, you know,
• 53:47
  using a stern tone, don't do that versus OK, we're going to
• 53:51
  talk about why we don't do that. I remember you're sure the
• 53:54
  example of your daughter throwing the nuts on the ground.
• 53:56
  Don't throw the nuts on the ground versus OK, we're going to
• 53:59
  pick these up now together. You know, two different
• 54:02
  approaches, right? What is your take on spanking
• 54:06
  time outs and tone of voice? OK, spanking time out and tone
• 54:10
  of voice. I was spanked as a child.
• 54:14
  By your mother. By my grandfather.
• 54:19
  No, I don't think I have any long term effects from it, but I
• 54:26
  have a memory I wish I didn't have.
• 54:30
  I have a memory. I'm sitting in my bedroom.
• 54:33
  I must have had jerky behavior or something, or did something,
• 54:38
  and I remember sitting in my bedroom looking out the window
• 54:42
  at my grandfather going out and cutting off a Willow branch from
• 54:48
  the tree and walking toward my bedroom with that little Willow
• 54:53
  branch to spank me. How old were you?
• 54:55
  I was probably about 5, maybe five to seven in that age.
• 55:01
  No, I don't want to have that memory, but it's there.
• 55:06
  It's there. I have good memories of my
• 55:10
  grandfather, but for some reason that memory it, it sort of
• 55:14
  overshadows some of my good memories.
• 55:17
  So spanking is on my list, a big no for two reasons.
• 55:27
  It leaves memories in your child that you don't want to have.
• 55:33
  But also there are better alternatives, much better that
• 55:40
  we talked about. All right now.
• 55:43
  So you mentioned tone of voice. That's another alternative.
• 55:48
  Say tone of voice. Let's say I one of your kids
• 55:57
  picks up something. They should know that you could
• 56:00
  yell no, no, no, no. Or you could get down eye level,
• 56:08
  eye to eye, firmly. Not for Matthew, not for Leo.
• 56:21
  Much better than no, Not for Leo.
• 56:25
  You personalize it, See. Not for Leo, you can't pick that
• 56:33
  up because you might hurt yourself, but you can do this
• 56:37
  quick. See.
• 56:39
  So the no is personalize it. Not for Billy, not for Susie,
• 56:46
  all right. And they tend to understand that
• 56:49
  more if you put their name to it, personalize it, and then
• 56:55
  tone of voice, tone of voice. I think moms are better than
• 57:03
  dad's most of the time of this but.
• 57:06
  I don't know about that doctor. She's not to interrupt, but
• 57:08
  moms. We can get it.
• 57:10
  We can, but you know, just it's more eye to eye contact.
• 57:17
  It's but you speak in a tone of voice that your child learns.
• 57:24
  Mom means business. I'm going to do that again, See.
• 57:32
  But you're not. It's on the verge of anger, but
• 57:35
  it's not anger. And a tone of voice that
• 57:41
  resonates that, you know, Mom is talking to me like this because
• 57:46
  she loves me. Mom is talking to me like this
• 57:51
  because she loves me. And I don't want to do that
• 57:56
  again because she's right. See.
• 58:00
  So tone of voice is very important and you'll learn that.
• 58:06
  And it's just the alternatives to spanking time out.
• 58:11
  So good one. You recommend time?
• 58:13
  Out. It's in other words.
• 58:16
  But here's how we did time out. Aaron was nine years old and
• 58:22
  she's been a really sassy to her mother.
• 58:26
  And as the father of the family, I don't permit any of the
• 58:32
  children being sassy to the mother or grandma or the boy.
• 58:36
  So I went and sat next to her, look to her in the eye.
• 58:43
  I die. I die this.
• 58:47
  Aaron, I will not permit you talking to the woman I love like
• 58:57
  that. I got points from Martha and
• 59:03
  from Aaron. I will not stand for you talking
• 59:07
  to the woman I love like that. See, that's good.
• 59:12
  And then go to your room and I'll walk up there with you.
• 59:20
  You'll go to your room or go into the living room, go into
• 59:24
  the other room, and I want you to think about that.
• 59:31
  Your mother loves you. You're a beautiful child.
• 59:37
  We all love you. Think about that and then think
• 59:41
  about coming back and apologizing to mom.
• 59:47
  Think about what you're going to say.
• 59:51
  That's it time out is just kind of well, we all need time out
• 59:56
  sometimes, but time out gives her a little bit of a thought.
• 1:00:01
  Oh, maybe dad was right. Maybe I was a jerk or something
• 1:00:08
  like that. And but I put in there that
• 1:00:11
  you're a beautiful child, you're good, all that So she doesn't
• 1:00:15
  think bad of herself. She just made a mistake.
• 1:00:19
  They and. So I, I always tell our
• 1:00:22
  children, people are more likely to remember how you corrected
• 1:00:27
  the mistake than the mistake itself.
• 1:00:32
  So your mother's probably going to remember how you came back
• 1:00:36
  and gave her a hug. Sorry, mommy.
• 1:00:40
  Sorry mommy. She'll remember that.
• 1:00:44
  I love that that's so that's such a beautiful example.
• 1:00:47
  And so I know useful for people listening, whether their parents
• 1:00:51
  or pre parents, I like to call them, they're not there yet, but
• 1:00:53
  they hope one day to be zooming back a tiny bit back to timeouts
• 1:00:57
  and and and another demographic, younger kids and timeouts.
• 1:01:00
  So you're talking about a nine year old being sassy.
• 1:01:02
  What about that 234 year old? Let's maybe the younger child,
• 1:01:06
  especially maybe the 2-3 year old who won't stay in timeout.
• 1:01:11
  They're acting up, they're not listening.
• 1:01:13
  And maybe they're, they're not being, they're kind of at a
• 1:01:17
  danger to themselves to some degree or to other kids.
• 1:01:19
  Maybe they're fighting or they're doing something that is
• 1:01:21
  not, you know, in control, Right?
• 1:01:24
  Sure. What do you do to train them or
• 1:01:26
  to teach them? You mentioned train.
• 1:01:28
  That's exactly what you're doing train.
• 1:01:31
  And let's say you have a two kids, 24 year olds, a neighbor
• 1:01:40
  and your child and they're fighting over a toy.
• 1:01:47
  You come in, here's a rule, Johnny, you get the toy for
• 1:01:56
  three minutes and then Billy, you get the toy for three
• 1:02:01
  minutes. So you give them.
• 1:02:05
  Here's the rules. You play with the toy and then
• 1:02:08
  you give it to Jimmy and I and I be sure they give it say OK
• 1:02:13
  time, time for Jimmy to get the toy to hand it to him and then
• 1:02:17
  he'll hand it back to you. See, I discipline sticks in Lila
• 1:02:24
  If if you give them something to do to remember.
• 1:02:29
  Now, I could have just grabbed the toy and took it away, but
• 1:02:33
  sometimes you have to do that. That would be my next thing.
• 1:02:37
  If they can't, well, if you can't play right with it, we'll
• 1:02:40
  put the toy away. But I wanted them to figure out
• 1:02:43
  a way that they could share it or a way they could play.
• 1:02:48
  I say, I remember one time we had that happening and say, hey,
• 1:02:54
  guys, we have a new train set. Why don't both of you come over
• 1:03:03
  and let's play with the train set together?
• 1:03:06
  Yeah, yeah. Something new.
• 1:03:09
  See, so it's you as a parent, are in charge of changing the
• 1:03:14
  situation so that they can change their mind.
• 1:03:20
  Rather than you just telling them what to do, you want them
• 1:03:26
  to figure out what they would be better off doing.
• 1:03:30
  Like, well, I think I'd be better off playing with the
• 1:03:32
  train than him grabbing the toy and taking it.
• 1:03:36
  Something like that. You know it would be.
• 1:03:39
  What would you say are the appropriate kinds of behavior
• 1:03:42
  that would warrant a time out to be an effective response?
• 1:03:45
  Because I, I've noticed that, you know, with young, very young
• 1:03:49
  children, they're not in full control.
• 1:03:51
  They don't have malicious motivations.
• 1:03:54
  They're innocent. I mean, before the age of
• 1:03:55
  reason, at 7. They're not like scheming bad
• 1:03:58
  things. Intentionally.
• 1:03:59
  They're impulsive, they're figuring out boundaries, they're
• 1:04:01
  exploring. They have maybe they're hungry,
• 1:04:03
  they're tired. They they're seeking connection.
• 1:04:05
  I mean, there's a whole world in the in the child behind the
• 1:04:08
  child's eyes, as you were speaking about so beautifully
• 1:04:10
  earlier. What would you say are some good
• 1:04:14
  pointers for how to discern whether a time out is the right
• 1:04:20
  solution to a child's acting up or poor behavior versus
• 1:04:24
  something else like a hug even? I'd say if, if your first line
• 1:04:29
  of, of discipline isn't working, then sometimes you just have to
• 1:04:36
  pick the child up and take them to their room and say, you let
• 1:04:44
  me know when you can start thinking happily.
• 1:04:50
  Let me know when you're ready to apologize and I'll come up and
• 1:04:55
  get you. Sometimes you just have to to,
• 1:04:59
  no matter what you like. Just about two weeks ago
• 1:05:07
  actually, I had to discipline our five year old grandson.
• 1:05:15
  He likes to take things apart. So we had AI bought him a thing
• 1:05:22
  to jump on, thing to jump on, boom, boom, boom, boom.
• 1:05:27
  But it has a, a nice soft rubber railing across the top that you
• 1:05:33
  put your hang on, you jump on and he's starting to pick it
• 1:05:37
  off. He's starting to pick it off.
• 1:05:41
  So I tried psychology first, you know, And 1st, in fact,
• 1:05:46
  sometimes men, sometimes daddies have to step in when mommy's
• 1:05:51
  psychology isn't working. Moms tend to be OK sometimes.
• 1:05:57
  Like my husband is so good at that.
• 1:05:59
  Yeah, yes, that's the way we're put.
• 1:06:01
  And so I see, even after I told him what to do and why, I said
• 1:06:06
  because when that this, the sponges up there, they don't
• 1:06:10
  bother your hands, you can hold on.
• 1:06:12
  But he continued to pull it off. So I went over, I said, Johnny,
• 1:06:19
  OK, I'm sorry, but I'm going to take this, your favorite toy
• 1:06:29
  away. I'm going to put it away for a
• 1:06:33
  few weeks. And so he learns, OK, I didn't,
• 1:06:42
  I didn't obey. I lose my toy.
• 1:06:45
  That's it, That's it. Sometimes you just have to, you
• 1:06:50
  know, I would reach the end of the psychology.
• 1:06:54
  So he learned choices have consequences.
• 1:06:59
  And grandpa taught me what I needed to do, and I didn't
• 1:07:03
  listen. Therefore.
• 1:07:06
  Yeah. And he's a brilliant young man.
• 1:07:09
  A brilliant young man. So he he learned a lot from
• 1:07:14
  that. He got it.
• 1:07:15
  He got it. What?
• 1:07:17
  And there was no time out. There was no yelling.
• 1:07:19
  There's no cajoling. It was just tape.
• 1:07:20
  He's. Lost his.
• 1:07:21
  Boundary, we're taking this away.
• 1:07:22
  He's. Lost his toy.
• 1:07:24
  What about? So there's something called
• 1:07:26
  gentle parenting that's very popular today and I think
• 1:07:30
  there's elements of it that I agree with for sure.
• 1:07:33
  There's some examples where I think it can go to extreme.
• 1:07:37
  And here is a popular example that's used among the gentle
• 1:07:41
  parenting advocates. And the correct response, I want
• 1:07:43
  your take on this. So they say if the child is
• 1:07:46
  tantruming, let's say a three-year old is tantruming,
• 1:07:49
  out of control, not listening, the correct response is to pick
• 1:07:55
  them up, hug them, hold them, calm them down, not to try to
• 1:08:00
  enforce the boundary or direct the behavior a different way
• 1:08:04
  immediately. Just give them a hug.
• 1:08:07
  Now I'm going to throw in a little twist here.
• 1:08:10
  I've noticed at least my kids, when they sometimes have their
• 1:08:13
  biggest outburst, it's because they're disobeying already.
• 1:08:16
  They're like, come here or put that rock down.
• 1:08:18
  We got to walk home. Or, you know, stop taking the
• 1:08:21
  toy from your baby sister. Stop fighting with your brother,
• 1:08:24
  boy, stop fighting. And then one of those, you know,
• 1:08:28
  directives are met ultimately with defiance and it leads to a
• 1:08:31
  meltdown. So the my concern with gentle
• 1:08:34
  parenting in this scenario, and again, I'm just nitpicking here
• 1:08:37
  because I agree with a lot of the philosophy and I think some
• 1:08:40
  of the foundations are similar to your own and our own is this
• 1:08:44
  kind of the concern is are we rewarding bad behavior?
• 1:08:50
  If they've disobeyed once or twice, they're doing something
• 1:08:52
  they shouldn't do, then they meltdown, and then you just hug
• 1:08:56
  them or you just, you know, show them extra love because they're
• 1:08:59
  suffering in their meltdown. But they still didn't obey, or
• 1:09:03
  they still had done the thing that was not good for the other
• 1:09:05
  child, or for themselves, or for the family, No.
• 1:09:09
  I partially agree with that. The term gentle parenting, One
• 1:09:17
  of the philosophies of discipline that we've always
• 1:09:20
  practiced, Lila, was when the child the worse the behavior of
• 1:09:27
  the child, the better the behavior of the parent.
• 1:09:33
  That's a good one. When the child has completely
• 1:09:36
  lost their mind is when the parent needs to ramp up a bit
• 1:09:43
  and do it smartly. See, because sometimes it's easy
• 1:09:49
  for a child to push your button said you just want to well,
• 1:09:54
  don't do that again, something like that.
• 1:09:56
  But so keep that in mind, The they've lost their ability to
• 1:10:04
  control themselves and you have to control yourself and your
• 1:10:09
  mind. So sometimes what you just said,
• 1:10:13
  going up and looking at them mildly kindly, the kind face
• 1:10:22
  like mothers is so good at saying something like how can I
• 1:10:27
  help you? How can I help you?
• 1:10:32
  Even when they've been disobedient and in their
• 1:10:33
  meltdown just come over. How can I help you?
• 1:10:36
  How can I help you? Wait till them?
• 1:10:40
  Wait till the meltdown is over and then they have consequences.
• 1:10:47
  So you say you try to get them over the meltdown to remember.
• 1:10:52
  Mom helped me when I lost my mind.
• 1:10:57
  When I was out of it, my mom was at her best.
• 1:11:00
  When I was at my worst, my mom was at the best.
• 1:11:04
  And then what? My mind could settle down a bit.
• 1:11:08
  She explained the consequences. Even if they're too young to
• 1:11:11
  remember what even happened a few minutes ago.
• 1:11:14
  Yeah. Just a hypothetical here.
• 1:11:16
  Yeah, they'll they'll that's OK. As long as they you you, they'll
• 1:11:19
  remember Mom helped me out of myself.
• 1:11:26
  I lost it and mom helped me. So there's where I think you're
• 1:11:34
  the mother's intuition really helps is take a deep breath
• 1:11:40
  again. If I were if I were my child,
• 1:11:44
  how would I want my mother to react?
• 1:11:48
  Say and after three kids in five years, you will know, you will
• 1:11:55
  know how to react and. I think some parents are afraid
• 1:12:01
  of being too, especially good parents that have values.
• 1:12:04
  They want to raise good citizens because I think there is sort of
• 1:12:07
  a brand of parenting today that's very permissive,
• 1:12:10
  permissive parenting. And so I think a lot of mothers,
• 1:12:13
  their intuition is protect, hold, care for if there's a
• 1:12:17
  tantrum, just pick him up and give him a hug.
• 1:12:19
  You know, get over if you're frustrated, get over your
• 1:12:21
  frustration. Just love this child.
• 1:12:23
  And then sometimes, you know, like even my dynamic with my
• 1:12:25
  husband, right? He's a little more
• 1:12:28
  disciplinarian, you know, he's a little more like, oh, no, that's
• 1:12:31
  not OK. That that behaviour is not OK.
• 1:12:32
  And I'm like, you know, not that I do it well every time because
• 1:12:37
  I don't, but that permissive parenting, I think temptation.
• 1:12:43
  When do you know as a mother, when your intuition is good in
• 1:12:47
  terms of meeting the child where they're at, loving on them,
• 1:12:49
  getting inside the mind of the child versus maybe tending to
• 1:12:52
  spoil them? Spoil again, that is also
• 1:12:55
  another loaded term. But you're being too permissive
• 1:12:57
  is maybe the better term. And letting them run the roost
• 1:13:01
  and just do what they want as opposed to really leading them
• 1:13:04
  into learning good behaviors and to feeling, you know, an
• 1:13:08
  understanding of themselves and other people and how to behave,
• 1:13:11
  etcetera. Sure.
• 1:13:12
  That's a good question. And Martha and I went through
• 1:13:14
  that because moms and dads correctly, like I said, it was,
• 1:13:22
  they're a blend. Dads tend to be, shall we say,
• 1:13:27
  less permissive. Moms maybe be a little bit more
• 1:13:31
  permissive, but it's a blend. Or even vice versa, because I've
• 1:13:34
  noticed some families the moms that are disappearing the.
• 1:13:36
  Dad could be vice versa. So Martha and I would talk about
• 1:13:39
  it. I remember the kids are in bed
• 1:13:43
  and we're talking about some of the concerns of the day.
• 1:13:48
  And we would talk about when maybe I should say, honey, did I
• 1:13:55
  handle that OK? What do you think?
• 1:13:58
  Or I'd say, did I handle that OK?
• 1:14:00
  What do you think? What should we do next time this
• 1:14:03
  happens, You know? And so I'd, I'd say talk about
• 1:14:10
  it with your husband, the husband Joe, talk about it with
• 1:14:13
  Joe. And, and you'll come to some
• 1:14:18
  conclusion. And often times your conclusion,
• 1:14:21
  you come to that, that you'll take a little bit of what he
• 1:14:26
  advises you to do and you'll take a little bit, you'll take a
• 1:14:31
  little bit of what he advises at you and he'll take a little bit
• 1:14:33
  about what you advise. And you'll come out with
• 1:14:37
  something that's right for your child.
• 1:14:39
  It's right for your child because no parent ever gets it
• 1:14:44
  right 100% of the time. It's, it's a learning
• 1:14:48
  experience, but what we learned is talk about it.
• 1:14:55
  And the next time that happens that it probably will it, then
• 1:14:59
  you know better how to do it. I love that it's a, it's a team
• 1:15:03
  working, working using the intuition of both of the
• 1:15:06
  parents. And then like you said earlier,
• 1:15:08
  if you are a single mom or a single parent, finding that
• 1:15:11
  community to kind of shore up your own understanding of how
• 1:15:14
  you're doing this and improving it.
• 1:15:17
  You have a chapter in your book called Helping Your Child
• 1:15:20
  Express Feelings and it comes right after the chapter called
• 1:15:23
  Self Esteem, the Foundation of Good Behavior.
• 1:15:27
  Can you share some of the tips you have here for building
• 1:15:29
  healthy self esteem? That's not like permissive, you
• 1:15:33
  know, I'm, I can do whatever I want, but really grounded in
• 1:15:37
  self dignity and dignity of others.
• 1:15:40
  And then how you approach feelings, those big feelings
• 1:15:44
  that kids have and teach them how to express them as opposed
• 1:15:48
  to stuff them and and the appropriate ways of doing that.
• 1:15:51
  So big, big topics. I know you have whole chapters
• 1:15:53
  on these things. I remember when our kids got a
• 1:15:57
  little older into maybe even early teens, I would tell each
• 1:16:08
  one of them, I see, here's a promise I have and a request I
• 1:16:13
  have. I said be honest with me.
• 1:16:21
  I want you to always feel comfortable telling me the
• 1:16:25
  truth. And I promise you, whatever you
• 1:16:30
  say to me, I will not get angry. You could come home.
• 1:16:35
  I ridiculous you. Come on, Dad.
• 1:16:38
  I robbed the bank yesterday. Oh, let's talk about it.
• 1:16:43
  I I promise you I will not get angry.
• 1:16:47
  I want you to always feel free to tell me what you're feeling.
• 1:16:54
  No anger, no judgement. I will not ever yell at you
• 1:16:59
  while that was stupid or something like that.
• 1:17:00
  No, I'll just go like that. And I would also say to them
• 1:17:08
  sometimes when you talk to me, I promise that I won't say
• 1:17:13
  anything for two or three minutes so you can talk and I'll
• 1:17:17
  listen. OK, No judgement.
• 1:17:20
  I will say anything. But if I find out you're not
• 1:17:26
  being truthful or I find out you have done something that I
• 1:17:33
  should know about, then there's going to be discipline, there's
• 1:17:41
  going to be a punishment. See, so they learned already
• 1:17:46
  that Dad is there to help. Dad's there to listen.
• 1:17:54
  If you've got to be honest, you've got to be truthful, OK,
• 1:17:59
  And they remember that, remember that.
• 1:18:01
  And when you're you're a few years away from this, when the
• 1:18:06
  if if you know when your your girl starts dating.
• 1:18:10
  She's not going to date, Yeah. I have a card here that says
• 1:18:16
  there's a card says a girl never outgrows her dad.
• 1:18:22
  How sweet. That's a card that my daughter
• 1:18:24
  gave me. You carry this with you.
• 1:18:27
  I I carried in my in my soup, in my little briefcase, I carried
• 1:18:31
  that with me. A girl never outgrows her dad.
• 1:18:36
  And what's sweet is my dad's my, my 3 girls still call me daddy,
• 1:18:42
  Daddy, which I love, I love. And I remember when they were
• 1:18:46
  starting to date and I had a little rule that I must meet
• 1:18:54
  their date. They must bring their date over
• 1:18:57
  to a house, They must meet today.
• 1:19:00
  And they didn't. They didn't care for that.
• 1:19:05
  But I said no. And so Hayden especially, she
• 1:19:12
  would tell her dates. Now, I want to prepare you for
• 1:19:14
  my dad. I want to prepare you for my
• 1:19:18
  dad. He means well, he loves me, but
• 1:19:22
  it may be a little rough on you, but he's doing that because he
• 1:19:25
  loves me. OK.
• 1:19:27
  And you know, the date would come on.
• 1:19:30
  Well, sit down, son. I like to talk with you about
• 1:19:35
  how to treat my daughter type of thing.
• 1:19:37
  See, so our girls learned that that they didn't care for that,
• 1:19:44
  but my motive was because I love them.
• 1:19:49
  And but sometimes you just have to, especially the older they
• 1:19:54
  get. Sometimes they have you just
• 1:19:56
  have to step in. But give them that open door.
• 1:20:01
  The door is open. You can always come through it.
• 1:20:06
  I'm here for you. No judgement, but I just want
• 1:20:11
  you to be honest with me. I want you to feel free to
• 1:20:15
  express your feelings. Just let it all out.
• 1:20:19
  I'll just listen. But if they are saying something
• 1:20:23
  that they did, that's wrong, but you need to tell them.
• 1:20:26
  I mean, if they're telling you, they probably know it's wrong
• 1:20:28
  already. Do you just have a talk
• 1:20:31
  afterwards? Let's talk about why you did
• 1:20:33
  this and what were you thinking? And then you just have that
• 1:20:36
  conversation. We did.
• 1:20:39
  We had that. We It's funny how I remember
• 1:20:42
  those things. You have a good way, Lila, of
• 1:20:45
  helping me remember things long time ago, I guess.
• 1:20:50
  I think Bob and Jim were teenagers and we had something,
• 1:20:56
  I forgot what we call it confession night or something
• 1:20:59
  like that, that we had all the kids together, the kind of and
• 1:21:05
  Martha and I thought of this as an idea.
• 1:21:07
  So let's just try it. What the heck and said OK, is
• 1:21:12
  tonight we're going to talk about the deal is there are
• 1:21:18
  probably some things you did in the disobedient way that we had
• 1:21:23
  told you not to do and you did. This is a night that we want to
• 1:21:29
  go to. We are going to erase all those.
• 1:21:32
  You just tell me what it is. Tell mom and dad what it is,
• 1:21:35
  what you did when you did it, maybe why you did it and all
• 1:21:39
  that and we will say a word. What is this Erase, Erase and
• 1:21:48
  Doctor Bob? Bob was the first one.
• 1:21:51
  He was the first one. How old was he?
• 1:21:55
  Gosh, he must have been a 13 or so.
• 1:21:59
  He said. There was a concert going on at
• 1:22:02
  church and 1st. I can't remember why, but there
• 1:22:08
  was some reason. I didn't like the material the
• 1:22:12
  concert was playing. There was some reason, even
• 1:22:15
  though it was at a church. There's some reason why I said
• 1:22:18
  no, you can't go after Martha and I went to bed.
• 1:22:24
  He sneaked out and went to the concert.
• 1:22:29
  How'd he get there? And he can.
• 1:22:32
  He confessed that that night, Mom and dad, remember the night
• 1:22:36
  that you said I couldn't go to the concert, I went to the
• 1:22:39
  concert. And thank you, Bob, for telling
• 1:22:44
  us that you didn't say a word. But he told me a few days later
• 1:22:50
  and he felt better telling that because, see, sensitive kids are
• 1:22:58
  more likely to file away things they did wrong.
• 1:23:05
  And just being able to say mom and dad are disobeyed, and I'm
• 1:23:11
  sorry to tell the truth, he felt good.
• 1:23:15
  He felt so much better telling us that.
• 1:23:19
  So that's just an example of how you could handle that.
• 1:23:22
  That is such a good tool and it's obviously, I know we're
• 1:23:25
  both Catholics. So confession is, and it's
• 1:23:28
  Christian, it's this foundational principle of the
• 1:23:30
  human psyche that we need to confess and to a, to a God who's
• 1:23:34
  going to forgive us. You know, like it's not going to
• 1:23:36
  punish us in that moment. They're just going to forgive
• 1:23:38
  us. That's the power of Jesus
• 1:23:39
  Christ, sacrifice for us. But I think about my son, my
• 1:23:43
  oldest son, and he says, mom, I do so many bad things.
• 1:23:46
  You know, he's a very sensitive kid.
• 1:23:48
  And I usually you're a good boy. You know, of course, we all make
• 1:23:51
  mistakes. And I try to coach him and
• 1:23:53
  actually encourage him because he's very hard at himself
• 1:23:55
  already. Just five years old.
• 1:23:57
  He'll he'll be sick soon and but I just I just got a little
• 1:24:01
  insight from you that maybe I'll try them.
• 1:24:03
  OK, let's talk about what did you do that you think is so bad?
• 1:24:05
  Let's talk about it. OK, all done.
• 1:24:08
  Let's move on. Let's move on.
• 1:24:09
  Let him let him verbalize it because instead of me just
• 1:24:12
  telling him to like don't worry about it you.
• 1:24:13
  Know you mentioned verbally good just by talking about it yes,
• 1:24:17
  he's realizing you know that was bad that was dumb and on that
• 1:24:23
  similar topic at five year. This is why sports are so good
• 1:24:29
  for children, especially children who have any discipline
• 1:24:34
  problems. We learned, we learned that I, I
• 1:24:39
  coached, I coached Little League for about 25 years, Little
• 1:24:43
  League baseball and football, soccer, all that.
• 1:24:47
  And because, see, in sports they have rules, no psychology, just
• 1:24:58
  you do this, not that, period. Coach says this, you do it,
• 1:25:02
  coach says this, you do it. Otherwise they yank you from the
• 1:25:06
  game. You play smart, you follow the
• 1:25:09
  rules, you stay in the game, you don't, you're all the game,
• 1:25:14
  period. You see.
• 1:25:15
  And so that's kind of real life in a way.
• 1:25:18
  So sports, I just want to mention that, are very, very
• 1:25:24
  disciplinary for children. Very good.
• 1:25:28
  What are some words, phrases, and maybe even behaviors that
• 1:25:33
  parents can model to children to help them with healthy self
• 1:25:38
  esteem and emotional regulation? And I think about words.
• 1:25:42
  Is it, you know, just even just saying, I love you, You're
• 1:25:45
  you're, you're my beautiful child.
• 1:25:47
  I'm so grateful to God for you. What are some things that you
• 1:25:50
  and Martha used for that healthy self esteem?
• 1:25:52
  And you asked that Lila, because body image self esteems is a big
• 1:26:00
  problem right now, especially in teenagers.
• 1:26:05
  So what we did, we had a little thing and I think it works even
• 1:26:12
  better for girls, but works for boys and girls.
• 1:26:15
  I want you to write on a big sheet of paper 5 things I like
• 1:26:22
  about me. And we started that.
• 1:26:26
  Actually, we started that earlier.
• 1:26:29
  And when I would lay down when they're having a tough day, I
• 1:26:33
  would lay down to sleep with them and maybe even see Matt was
• 1:26:39
  10 years old. I was doing this laying down to
• 1:26:42
  sleep with them. At night.
• 1:26:44
  Until, until he was 10. And at 11 one day he told me,
• 1:26:48
  Dad, I don't need to put I don't need you to put me to bed
• 1:26:50
  anymore. OK?
• 1:26:52
  But I remember lying down with the kids when they're a little
• 1:26:57
  bit older, sometimes right before bed.
• 1:26:59
  And I said, OK, let's sing a little song off to bed.
• 1:27:07
  But I'd like you to tell me before you go to bed 5 things
• 1:27:12
  you like about yourself. Just tell me, oh, I'm a good
• 1:27:17
  football player, I have pretty hair, I have pretty skin, I love
• 1:27:22
  my smile, I'm funny, you know, or something.
• 1:27:28
  Just just tell me 5 things you like about me as you drift off
• 1:27:33
  to sleep. It's the last thing they
• 1:27:35
  remember before get off to sleep.
• 1:27:38
  And then I would have them write on a piece of paper, big sheet
• 1:27:42
  of paper, five things I like about me and paste it on the
• 1:27:46
  bathroom mirror. So as they're brushing their
• 1:27:50
  teeth, as they're sitting on the pot looking, you know, they're
• 1:27:55
  in the bathroom a lot and they're looking at that.
• 1:27:59
  I am funny. I am pretty, I am woody.
• 1:28:03
  So there before going to bed and I'm waking up is when the brain
• 1:28:09
  files thing like the brain has a big file cabinet and it's more
• 1:28:14
  likely to the the blood flow to the brain is highest just before
• 1:28:20
  you wake up. And so it files those good
• 1:28:23
  thoughts away because kids nowadays have a body image
• 1:28:28
  problem. They're not so much of men,
• 1:28:35
  boys, not much, because men they call, Oh, hi old man, high fat,
• 1:28:41
  so high skinny. You know they'll do that, but
• 1:28:44
  not ladies. We, we want them all to love
• 1:28:47
  your body type. That doesn't mean be unhealthy,
• 1:28:53
  but love your body type. Be a boring world.
• 1:28:56
  If we're all the same. You have people with large
• 1:29:00
  muscle or large bones and oh, I, oh, I know.
• 1:29:05
  I had one girl come in my office for counseling.
• 1:29:10
  She had a high BMI body mass index at the school, which I say
• 1:29:17
  is a no, no. I call baloney mass baloney mass
• 1:29:23
  index. It's the body mass index is when
• 1:29:27
  they plot you to see if you're too heavy.
• 1:29:32
  Don't get it. Don't let your child get it,
• 1:29:35
  especially because children of a certain body type, male and
• 1:29:40
  female, if they have large bones and large muscle, muscle and
• 1:29:45
  bone weighs more than fat, they're going to funk the BMI.
• 1:29:51
  So don't get it. And I do at my office.
• 1:29:55
  It's more the flab you grab than the what the scale says.
• 1:30:00
  So that's just one example of the schools need to get rid of
• 1:30:06
  that because I mom, I flunked the BMI.
• 1:30:10
  What does that mean? And then I have to explain,
• 1:30:13
  honey, your body's beautiful. It'd be a boring world if we all
• 1:30:18
  looked alike. There's some people who are
• 1:30:20
  taller, shorter, wider, heavier. That's what the world is.
• 1:30:26
  And so body image is a big thing right now.
• 1:30:30
  I'm glad you mentioned that kind of.
• 1:30:31
  So whatever parents can do, you have a beautiful body, you have
• 1:30:36
  beautiful eyes, you have beautiful hair.
• 1:30:38
  Pick out something that they like.
• 1:30:40
  You mentioned caregivers that you and Martha were interviewing
• 1:30:43
  to help with all your beautiful kids.
• 1:30:46
  What is your advice to working mothers who may have to leave?
• 1:30:50
  I mean, right now I have a beautiful caregiver.
• 1:30:52
  She's like a grandma to my kids with my kids.
• 1:30:54
  Right now, so many ladies who listen to this show are working
• 1:30:59
  part time, maybe even full time. Different variations.
• 1:31:03
  I think there's a lot of desire for moms to be, of course they
• 1:31:06
  want to be the primary care if you ever be there for their
• 1:31:08
  kids, you know, we're blessed in my family to have an arrangement
• 1:31:12
  where I can still be with my kids for most of their waking
• 1:31:14
  hours. But we've got some wonderful
• 1:31:16
  surrogate care. What are some What's your
• 1:31:18
  perspective on raising healthy children even with other care,
• 1:31:23
  you know, Allo care care with other people involved?
• 1:31:27
  And what can working moms do in particular to shore up the
• 1:31:31
  healthiest children and the attachment to their children?
• 1:31:34
  And we went through that NARV the in fact, our first year I
• 1:31:40
  was a poor intern, the lowest paying hospital in the whole
• 1:31:43
  country, and Martha was a primary wage earner.
• 1:31:46
  She earned five times what I did.
• 1:31:48
  Even with, Even with children. Yeah, Jim, the baby, she'd,
• 1:31:53
  she'd bring the baby over on her break for me to look after
• 1:31:59
  because the hospitals were next to each other.
• 1:32:01
  Then I'd bring her back to when it's time to nurse.
• 1:32:03
  And we, we juggled. It's a big juggling act, but
• 1:32:05
  you'll find a way. But for point #1 and I've had
• 1:32:10
  mothers in my office, first newborn checkup.
• 1:32:14
  They're in chairs, say, well, you're in chairs.
• 1:32:16
  Say I have to go back to work. First thing I say, do you want
• 1:32:21
  to or do you have to? If it's want to, I just give him
• 1:32:24
  one advice. If it's have to, I say so you,
• 1:32:27
  if you have so you have to financially, yeah.
• 1:32:33
  I say tell me about your grandfather or tell him about
• 1:32:38
  your dad. I had one patients, a real
• 1:32:41
  story. So what's your dad do for a
• 1:32:44
  living? He says, oh, he's an investment
• 1:32:45
  banker. Would you mind if I gave him a
• 1:32:47
  call if I step in the other room real fast?
• 1:32:50
  My cell phone. I called him, happened to
• 1:32:52
  answer. Let's say his name's Joe.
• 1:32:55
  Joe, congratulations on your baby here and on your grandbaby.
• 1:33:01
  I'm calling you about an investment.
• 1:33:03
  How would you like to make the best investment in your whole
• 1:33:07
  life? Guaranteed returns last in a
• 1:33:11
  lifetime, 80 years, all that and something going on and he's
• 1:33:16
  thinking, what's the dumb doctor doing calling me an investment
• 1:33:19
  banker? And he said, what is that?
• 1:33:22
  Pay for your daughter to stay home with her baby.
• 1:33:27
  Wow. And it worked.
• 1:33:30
  And he thanked me so much, he said.
• 1:33:33
  I never thought of that. So that's one thing for
• 1:33:35
  grandparents to think of. Secondly, a lot of moms can work
• 1:33:39
  from home now, which is great. I have a lot of moms who are,
• 1:33:43
  you know, after the COVID thing, working from home.
• 1:33:47
  Thirdly, keep breastfeeding. By law, you are allowed breaks,
• 1:33:56
  breastfeeding breaks for your baby.
• 1:33:59
  So if you are nearby, the caregiver can bring the baby
• 1:34:03
  down for nursing, right? Next, map out how you want your
• 1:34:10
  baby looked after. I want you to wear my baby three
• 1:34:14
  hours a day in the baby carrier and tell them why when my baby
• 1:34:19
  cries, I want you to pick up touch.
• 1:34:23
  I want high touch parenting from you.
• 1:34:25
  And when you're interviewing you do that.
• 1:34:31
  So we had some very encounter. They had what they call a women
• 1:34:39
  who'd come over from other countries for a year to live
• 1:34:42
  with you and return for living with you.
• 1:34:44
  They help with the baby. So it was good.
• 1:34:47
  So we've been through this, but I think it's important to
• 1:34:51
  interview them wisely and tell them exactly how you want your
• 1:34:56
  mother, your baby. And then when you get home, when
• 1:35:01
  you get home, that's not the time to get things done.
• 1:35:05
  The minute I told, the minute you walk through that door, you
• 1:35:10
  go right to your nest. We call it a nest.
• 1:35:13
  You have a little place in the living room or so, a rocking
• 1:35:16
  chair where you're as soon as you get home, pick baby up and
• 1:35:21
  nurse. Cuddle.
• 1:35:22
  And rock and cuddle. Don't do anything else.
• 1:35:26
  And then on non work days is your high touch day.
• 1:35:30
  You wear the baby, touch your baby a lot and all that, and
• 1:35:35
  then who's ever not working does most of touch.
• 1:35:40
  I know sometimes on weekends Martha would sleep in and I
• 1:35:49
  would take the baby out on a walk, say.
• 1:35:51
  So that's all juggling. I love that.
• 1:35:55
  That's very encouraging and I think intuitive.
• 1:35:58
  What about sleep training? And sleep.
• 1:36:00
  Sleep training. Do you train or do you?
• 1:36:02
  What's your philosophy? Very, very confusing.
• 1:36:07
  We have, so I'm trying to give you a short answer because it's
• 1:36:11
  a long subject. Maybe we'll do a whole episode
• 1:36:13
  deep diving. We studied this carefully and
• 1:36:17
  our first three were easy sleepers and we felt, well, so
• 1:36:20
  difficult. Then the next two and I remember
• 1:36:25
  Aaron or Hayden, child #4 two weeks of age, she's in a crib
• 1:36:33
  across the room crying. And Martha says to me, I
• 1:36:38
  remember this as of yesterday. I don't care what the books say.
• 1:36:45
  My gut feeling is to pick her up.
• 1:36:49
  I need to get some sleep. She picks up crying.
• 1:36:52
  Hayden brings her to bed, nurses her.
• 1:36:57
  They snuggle off together to sleep.
• 1:36:59
  And I'm wide awake and I'm looking at them.
• 1:37:03
  I'm saying this is how it's supposed to be.
• 1:37:07
  A mom's intuition tells her that her baby needs her touch.
• 1:37:13
  And but that. But there are all those doctors
• 1:37:15
  who say you're going to kill the baby.
• 1:37:17
  Spoiling the baby or or you're? Going to spoil the baby.
• 1:37:19
  And I say. And she said, well, where should
• 1:37:22
  baby sleep? Wherever you and baby get the
• 1:37:26
  best night's sleep. And this, This is why you're
• 1:37:29
  America's favorite pediatrician, Dr. shares.
• 1:37:31
  It's such good common sense. So would you say in some cases,
• 1:37:35
  some crying is OK? Let the mother's intuition rule
• 1:37:39
  not to never let the baby cry. You never not let the baby cry.
• 1:37:42
  Never let the baby cry. But you know, this whole like
• 1:37:45
  very thing of put the baby in a separate room, make them cry
• 1:37:48
  themselves to sleep like this is not.
• 1:37:50
  If your intuition is saying don't do it, don't do it.
• 1:37:52
  There's one word. There's one phrase that books
• 1:37:55
  and pediatricians should keep their mouth shut on, and that is
• 1:38:00
  how do I respond to a baby's cry?
• 1:38:05
  I don't have a mommy brain for somebody else's baby.
• 1:38:10
  So I tell the mother, that's only a question you can answer.
• 1:38:14
  You let the baby cry as long as it feels right to you.
• 1:38:21
  And some babies can cry off to sleep.
• 1:38:24
  But your mommy brain will say, enough's enough.
• 1:38:28
  I need to pick up my baby. I'm not spoiling.
• 1:38:30
  See, a baby's cry is a baby language.
• 1:38:33
  A baby's cry is a baby's language purposely designed for
• 1:38:38
  the growth of the baby and the growth of the mother.
• 1:38:45
  Beautiful. So when a mother listens to a
• 1:38:47
  baby's cry, both the baby and the mother grow from it.
• 1:38:52
  That's what I tell them. I love that and it's so
• 1:38:55
  empowering that message to mothers that we know our babies
• 1:38:58
  cry and what to do the best. So I'm glad you mentioned the
• 1:39:01
  term empowering because when you mention that word, I think,
• 1:39:06
  Lila, this is what I hope our programs do.
• 1:39:10
  Your programs have a way of empowering mothers.
• 1:39:16
  That's what we're here for, empowering women.
• 1:39:19
  I love that. Thank you so much, Dr. Sears.
• 1:39:21
  There's so much more to talk about.
• 1:39:23
  We're going to have to have Dr. Sears back yet again.
• 1:39:25
  I think you're going to be you are a favorite.
• 1:39:27
  So, but this has been a wonderful primer for discipline
• 1:39:30
  at large. Are there any other things that
• 1:39:32
  you think you want to share on the topic of discipline?
• 1:39:35
  I know we've covered a lot already.
• 1:39:36
  Anything else you want to want to add?
• 1:39:38
  Well, I just say I get our discipline book.
• 1:39:42
  It's all the stories are in there and why read it?
• 1:39:45
  It's still very timely. If I had to change, I wouldn't
• 1:39:49
  change a thing. And also we any book you and I
• 1:39:54
  mentioned on the program, we donate all the proceeds to
• 1:39:58
  children's charities. Beautiful.
• 1:39:59
  So hand the best home book to your friends and enjoy it.
• 1:40:05
  Beautiful and you also I heard have a special book ebook offer
• 1:40:09
  for our listeners for another free book download.
• 1:40:12
  Can you share about that? Oh.
• 1:40:13
  Yes, yes, my last book, Martha's last book, unfortunately.
• 1:40:19
  So what we did start about 3-4 years ago, we said, honey, the
• 1:40:27
  future is ebooks. Let's take everything we know
• 1:40:32
  about health, everything we know and let's put in an ebook and
• 1:40:38
  let's make it fun to read. Let's have every page be color,
• 1:40:44
  short paragraphs like the brain wide movements, good for the
• 1:40:51
  brain. We have a brain with running
• 1:40:52
  shoes on, you know, things that you can remember and let's do
• 1:40:56
  that together. And so we did that together and
• 1:41:02
  it's now finished 240 pages, fun reading, all science based.
• 1:41:11
  There's nothing in there that is that all, all the references.
• 1:41:14
  My mentors, I give credit to them at the end and I'd be very
• 1:41:20
  honored, Lila, because I love your programs.
• 1:41:24
  They all they need to do is get a free copy and then, well, they
• 1:41:33
  just go to our homepage. Ask Doctor Sears.
• 1:41:37
  You'll see the, the, the feel good book.
• 1:41:42
  Beautiful. It's a funny, funny, you'll see
• 1:41:44
  it, it's, it's a, it's A and it'd be a free to you.
• 1:41:48
  We'll figure out a code or something where your your
• 1:41:53
  listeners can get it free. Amazing.
• 1:41:55
  We'll put that link in the description.
• 1:41:57
  OK, that's beautiful. Doctor Sears, thank you so much
• 1:42:00
  for your time. This has been awesome.
• 1:42:02
  Thank you for the ebook and thank you for the advice.
• 1:42:05
  I know this is going to benefit a lot of parents and aspiring
• 1:42:08
  parents. Thank you.
• 1:42:09
  Thank you. Thanks so much for listening to
• 1:42:11
  this episode of the Lila Rose Show.
• 1:42:13
  I hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget to download that
• 1:42:15
  free ebook. And as always, don't forget to
• 1:42:17
  be subscribed to the channel so that you never miss a future
• 1:42:20
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• 1:42:24
  EWTN. The largest religious
• 1:42:25
  broadcaster in the entire world. EWTN is reaching millions of
• 1:42:29
  people every single day with the beautiful truth of the gospel.
• 1:42:32
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• 1:42:36
  before they hit podcast app over at ewtn.com slash on demand.