Latest / HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
That Time Cleopatra Told Octavian to Suck Her Asp, and Won
Send us Fan MailHow one Ptolemaic baddie turned the Roman Empire into her personal, polyamorous, pyramid-scheme-themed passion project. Yes, there were cats. Let’s set the scene: it’s 31 BC, the turquoise waters off the coast of Greece. The Battle of Actium. In our timeline, this is where history’s most famous power couple, Cleopatra and Mark Antony, got their asses handed to them by the pale, perpetually constipated looking Octavian. But not this time. This time, when Antony’s fleet did their classic oopsie-daisy and started buggering off, Cleopatra didn’t follow. Instead, she allegedly…
The skinny
The skinny isn't ready yet — notes appear once the transcript is processed.