Latest / The Authentic Path with Dr. Vanessa Calderón / 61. The Life You Never Planned For: How to Keep Going When You Can't Control the Outcome (Part 1)
Transcript
- Dr. Vanessa Calderón: Welcome to The Authentic Path. I'm your host, Dr. Vanessa Calderon, Harvard-trained physician and healer. I integrate science and ancestral wisdom to support you in creating the success you desire in all areas of your life. hello friends, welcome. I have my very, very, very dear friend here today. I feel like it's such a treat, to bring you a special guest. She's a dear friend of mine that I have known since medical school. she's written an incredible book for those you who are watching us on YouTube. We're gonna link the book in the show notes. It's called Keep Your Head Up. I'm so glad you're here. Let's get started. And this is Dr. Tasha Farooqi. So I'm going to have her come on to introduce herself and we are going to have a really fantastic conversation that I hope will ⁓ anyone who's dealing with complexities of uncertainty and life. ⁓ Tasha Faruqui: thank you so much, Vanessa. I'm Dr. Tasha Farooqi. live in Cincinnati, Ohio. I am a pediatrician mother to three children, one who's medically complex and currently in hospice, and recently also an author of Keep Your Head Up. And that just got published September of 2025, and here to share my story and connect with all of you. Dr. Vanessa Calderón: So are you okay starting from the beginning, Tasha? Tell us a little bit about how you planned your life to go and what happened along the way. Tasha Faruqui: Yes. I really felt very prepared for life because I knew exactly what I wanted and had everything planned out. So from a young age of six, I knew that I wanted to go to medical school and I had planned out the years that it would take to get there. I had planned out the decade and the timeframe that I wanted to get married. also knew for sure that I wanted to be a mother. So this is literally how I pursued my life up through college. And even in college, I was determined to get to med school at any cost, ⁓ including multiple attempts at the MCAT with great ⁓ training and practice And once got my acceptance into med school, ⁓ I ⁓ pretty ⁓ like had made it and ⁓ that was just gonna be easier after that. ⁓ And... You know, then going through med school, my ⁓ next biggest hurdle was really then finding my now husband who was also in medicine. And I thought that was going to be so complicated trying to figure out how we would be the same city be able to ⁓ work through commitments, myself with National Service Corps, ⁓ him with Navy. And when we placed the same place after our training, I also thought that we were set. Dr. Vanessa Calderón: And then what happened? Tasha Faruqui: And then, was humbled by life, like maybe some of your listeners, in that my second daughter, it was evident to me at birth that something was not quite right. know, what that was, I wasn't sure. In that moment, I had a new desire to not only figure out what was wrong, but also to figure out how to fix it. And ⁓ life started turn, and I was still very resistant to having it turn. And in that period of time, became very focused of... being on this diagnostic odyssey of what does my daughter Saraya have. presented with feeding difficulties ⁓ then ultimately ended up having failure to thrive along with global delay, ⁓ along aspiration. ⁓ And number of differentials for what she could have were pretty numerous and pretty serious. Once we... realized one that it was likely not be fixed or go away, then it the ⁓ realization that may actually not even have ⁓ an answer most of the most severe things that we were looking for, ⁓ those tests up coming back negative. ⁓ And so... Then our life took a different which was to kind of throw it off course. And it was kind of restarting what matters to us and is that medical care for our daughter? ⁓ Is family support or is it our careers? Still trying to kind of fit all the pieces in this algorithm ⁓ of priorities still ⁓ valued. ⁓ ⁓ that, life to ⁓ in that scrapped one life ⁓ being two physicians having lovely children that are healthy, because that's honestly how I imagined ⁓ my life go is with healthy children. I hadn't imagined anything different. ⁓ And then realizing that would have a child with medical complexity. ⁓ once we felt safe in the sense that she's not going to die because we had all of these tests that came back negative. We started rebuilding another life, another dream. And while we were grieving our first path, we were starting to build this story, this path of Sariah leading a very long life and with us being a part of it and us focusing on who would take care of her. after we died and come to find out were more twists along the way ⁓ Saraya was gaining skills really from age three ⁓ nine and prior to three was all of the testing. ⁓ was able to walk, she was able to talk, she had a G-tube ⁓ a feeding tube to help her gain weight. ⁓ was learning skills, she was going to school. And then at age nine, everything changed. She became very fatigued. She had a hard time breathing. we ended up doing another, we've had multiple before sleep study, but this time it showed she was hypoventilating. essentially that was a sign that this process or unknown disease process ⁓ had neuromuscular component or where there was muscle weakness. ⁓ But was also our inkling to see that it was progressive, that this was not only a new symptom. But these symptoms are becoming more evident and she's getting more and more fatigued. And back in 2021, this required her the need to have a BiPAP ventilator first just at night and then progressively more. And soon we made the decision to bring on palliative care onto our team. And not much after we were into palliative care, we were placed on hospice. Grateful to say that we were placed in hospice four years ago and at that time she had a prognosis of 18 months to two years. And ⁓ is with us, we are still in a place of uncertainty and is still declining. And it ⁓ made us out ⁓ path and plan that had ever made. ⁓ Dr. Vanessa Calderón: I just want to highlight this for all of you that are listening, ⁓ Tasha is not just a mother of three beautiful children, she's also a pediatrician. ⁓ having to, and her husband's also a physician. So I imagine ⁓ to navigate the complexity of your child having an illness like this as a doctor, not having answers, ⁓ have created. a lot of other emotions that some people might not even experience. Do you mind sharing about that? Tasha Faruqui: Yes, I think that just having an identity that includes being a physician with this that because my and I are privileged enough to have an education that includes ⁓ medicine, that should. I quote, should be able to figure this out. I think in the first three to five years of her life, I mean, and honestly, still present now, but more to a less of an extent, is this pressure to figure it Like if there's anybody in the world that could have a child that is undiagnosed. that could figure it out, it should be us. And I think that that pressure us motivated for a long time, but then also ⁓ us feeling very defeated when we couldn't find it and feeling defeated at the time ⁓ of realizing we couldn't save her. And even in midst of this ⁓ fog, we ended finding gene deletion ⁓ just like six months And irony of that is her ⁓ deletion is so rare. ⁓ are only 50 cases worldwide. And is the most severe as her deletion is the largest. And she's only person that is not a candidate for gene therapy. And I say with a smile in the sense of the surprises. ⁓ and the twists don't stop. are still coming up that we are still processing at all times. ⁓ Dr. Vanessa Calderón: if open sharing about this too, ⁓ as you were all of this, ⁓ you were also with something. Tasha Faruqui: Yes. I call it irony of life, but here we had been looking for a gene culprit for my daughter. And in the midst, I knew that I had a strong family history of breast and ovarian cancer. And I think from, you know, previous decades, the only gene that I knew of that could do that is BRCA. And my sister, myself and my mom had been tested for BRCA and we were negative. And so also had this sense of assurance that knowing that my family has a history that we didn't actually carry a genetic risk. More recently, as genetics has vastly changed at a routine annual guy an appointment, I was offered to take additional gene testing just based on my family history. And I took it really kind of not expecting anything because in my mind with all the gene testing we've done, I knew that I didn't have BRCA. so much to my surprise, I came back with a gene ⁓ PALB2, which I had never heard of. And ⁓ carries risk of breast cancer, ovarian cancer, ⁓ and cancer. And its of breast cancer are second to just BRCA. ⁓ so still with having a lifetime risk of like 60 to 70 % of having breast cancer and to five times the risk of pancreatic cancer and ovarian cancer than the general population. ⁓ And ⁓ that ⁓ about years ago prior to finding Soraya's gene. But having this information and living our life really allowed me to make some decisions that I may or may not have made had we not had the life that was in front of us. Dr. Vanessa Calderón: Yeah, because you went through pretty comprehensive treatment breast cancer. want to just shift the conversation because for those of you that don't know Dr. Farooqi, you can follow her on Instagram, the farooqi5, think, right? We'll also link that in the show notes. But the reason why I invite you all to do that is because sharing the story of something that can feel pretty heavy. you know, pretty heavy. And the way you and your family have chosen to approach this or experience it such a testament to your spirit. So I knew Tasha when we were medical students. We both volunteered for pretty organization that was pretty grassroots activist, the activisty organization called the American Medical Suites Association. And Tasha and I stayed connected throughout. Tasha was one of my first coaching clients actually a long time ago. so I know personally ⁓ a long time I actually was there the weekend that she met her husband now. I remember when you shared with us how excited you were about I just think it's so, really ⁓ incredibly beautiful how all have to approach this. Tasha Faruqui: Mm-hmm. Dr. Vanessa Calderón: even the fact that you've chosen to write this book. we can just shift a little bit and you can share with us how ⁓ you two generally decided to experience this and how you decided to experience life and then your motivation behind writing the book. Tasha Faruqui: And so in thinking about the motivation to write the book, but also how we kind of chose to live this life, I will say that it was not that smooth. I think that husband and I probably, well, know we chose differently and think that I want to normalize that, that in these situations, you can love other and be living the same but processing completely different ways. honestly, for the first 10 years of Soraya's life, we both did a pretty decent job of compartmentalizing and having this be our private life and kept it very separate from our professional life. And there are these sayings even amongst colleagues of, well you have your doctor hat now and you have your mom hat now. quite literally I was trying to do that, where I was trying to separate these two parts of me. And it came to writing book, it really from a place of having ⁓ taken away you. You know, I would love to tell you that we sat down and we talked about how beautiful it would be if we shared this story and this is like what we want to do. in reality, it got to a point where I felt, ⁓ I knew my husband felt this too, the part that kept us in and what we were feeling together was loneliness isolation. ⁓ not from each other, but from the rest of the world. We felt like we were going through this tornado that nobody else could see nobody else could understand. there this that maybe there was one other person that was either experiencing something similar or feeling something like this, even if it wasn't the same ⁓ situation. And at that point, told my said, I want to share. I really want to write a book. And there's, know, a whole nother story on like. what steps there was to get to that point. you know, coaching was step one. ⁓ meditation. ⁓ were a lot of things. It wasn't like it just came to me. There was work in the background that got me to a point where I felt this nudge slash push share in some capacity. ⁓ I didn't if it was going to be social media. I didn't know if it was going to be a book, ⁓ but I adamant with my husband that I'm going to do this. And he was hesitant. reluctant. I mean, he was like, I will do you want ⁓ support this. I've never seen you so sure about something. I'm sure how it's going to impact me, our family, but I am here to support you and we'll figure it out. ⁓ And ⁓ that me to write book. And as each chapter came, I had him and my daughter ⁓ review it and chapters were really hard for both of them to digest, but I needed the blessing before it went to print and whether they were happy about parts and not happy about parts I did have their blessing I don't think any of us knew ⁓ impact ⁓ of book not only for others but honestly for ourselves that as I was writing and as I was sharing there was there was change in my husband was a change in my children in just the innate power of sharing a story and the power of connecting how something so hard could bring about beautiful connections ⁓ and that we had never thought ⁓ happen this first of writing and sharing. ⁓ Dr. Vanessa Calderón: you Yeah, I think we forget how healing just sharing a story can be. It's why grief circles and healing circles have existed for generations and generations before us. if you think about indigenous medicine, ⁓ is how healing would happen. People would come together and share in circle and let themselves be held. We've so isolated, I think, in this ⁓ current that we're living where vulnerability looks like so much weakness. And picked up when I, I've known your story for a long time, but when I started watching you share it out loud publicly is just a combination of the level courage, also surrender that it takes to share courage, to ⁓ share something so vulnerable, so tender. ⁓ you don't know how the world will receive it and then also surrender like okay even though it feels hard i'm gonna do it anyway because and you had something driving you i'd love to dive deeper into wow isn't that an interesting energy that you had tasha kind of being like hey it's time for you to share the story you're sharing it not just from this incredibly like you're a mother of three not just as a mother but as a pediatrician i just You probably know because of what you've been hearing from people that have read your book, but that's pretty incredible to hear the story from both the mother and the pediatrician. Tasha Faruqui: And again. You said and, and I think for so long I had it so separate. So I felt, you you talk about fear and, ⁓ know, the perception that you're weak. There this inner fear that I had been carrying that if I share this, ⁓ it be a reflection of weakness, not only as a mother, but as a pediatrician. ⁓ How other people trust me with their children if they that I have a child that I cannot save? ⁓ where this came from, probably deep rooted, something that I cannot, ⁓ I'd never heard it anybody. It's something that is ⁓ tied ⁓ from within. that to be changed or challenged. ⁓ And first was the And I actually got that surrender ⁓ from with you. That was my step of, being ⁓ to just think differently. Like, what if you can't save her? ⁓ if? Like, ⁓ would that look like? And I had to really come terms with surrendering before, for me at least, before I could feel sharing. And wasn't even that I felt safe, it was still scary and I did it anyways, but it's the realization that I have nothing to lose because everything that I thought I could lose, I'm already losing. I have nothing to because everything that I thought I could never lose, already losing. and I still have to live. I have nothing to lose. So therefore I'm for it. I still have to live. So have nothing to lose. So therefore I'm going it. And so all of those different came together and also ⁓ realizing that I never two separate identities. I was never physician and only a physician. And I was only a mother and ⁓ not a physician. They were always there. ⁓ It's like saying to me, pretend like you're a female ⁓ and like you're doing this as a man. ⁓ like you have white skin. ⁓ and do it like that. you can't separate of that are just innately intertwined. ⁓ And that the other part of I was always all one ⁓ and I separate it anymore. I will never be just a mom without medical knowledge and I can never be ⁓ a doctor the experience of me feeling what it's like as a mother, better, for worse, for judgment or not. It's silly for me to try to separate any further. Dr. Vanessa Calderón: It's so fascinating how you bring in the concept of identity because I think the more we latch on to an identity, the more suffering we create for ourselves the more we latch on to an identity, the more suffering we for because ⁓ then ⁓ we become attached to something and attachment as says the root of all suffering. And it's hard to release that because who am I without that? then same is true is if I can only be this in this setting, like if I only be a doctor and I cannot be a mom here. because being a mom would be weak. have to be very professional in the setting, but I can't be a doctor here because if I'm a doctor taking care when I'm in the hospital with my daughter, like and everything that I know. And when you allow yourself, it's not even of identities. It's a releasing of identities and just allowing yourself to be in all that you are in your beautiful, wise, glorious essence. know, that's really, I feel like this The journey that I have watched you go on has been a journey of completion, of like coming home to this beautiful, authentic version of yourself that is all of these parts without having to be any of the parts specifically. Tasha Faruqui: And not even realizing that all of these parts of my life were building blocks for what is. And what is is still always evolving. And I think that's the other misconception that I had that some point you land and you are complete and you've done it. by it, it is like you have succeeded in... in your job, in your happiness, and you are now just coasting in life. And this is so not reality. ⁓ the is also being open. ⁓ to being guided in places that you may have never ⁓ you're so closed off and you have such tunnel vision into ⁓ you think you should be doing ⁓ who you thought you were from, know, many years ago or even a year ago. You just, I just think in allowing yourself release and be open, you're allowing yourself to evolve and accept what is. Dr. Vanessa Calderón: is some wise, wise, words. so you've a and you are navigating a lot as they say, there is no misstep, right? Every step we take serves us in some way, ⁓ lends itself to some experiences that we use to ⁓ And so there's no, ⁓ there's never a misstep all of those that that you took a big U-turn somewhere, you're experiencing something hard or why you. there's going to be something that you get to grow from always. know, all those experiences are kind of like buds, rose buds that grow into this beautiful rose bush. So when you think about, you look back say, as early ⁓ mom, ⁓ before you were mom, ⁓ How do you think you, like what lessons would you share with that version of you before you became a mom and then maybe as you were having children and you were realizing there's so much uncertainty. are some lessons? What are some things you wish you knew then? Tasha Faruqui: Release control. I think this idea of me having control ⁓ so much stress anxiety this idea me having control really ⁓ created so much that wasn't I was trying to ⁓ conform my child, to what I thought my job look like, ⁓ trying to everything to into this idea that never really needed to be in the first place. ⁓ So that would be one. I think the other thing I really wish, and this is again, I think that everything is a lesson, but I never realized how much that inner voice of how we were parented comes out when you parent. I prepared for that. ⁓ I prepared for this idea ⁓ of what of parent you would want be. ⁓ Because in my mind, I just assumed that I would parent the way that I had been parented and that would work out. And I never challenged that. And as I go through parenthood and as I have such different circumstances than my own mother had, I realized that there are lessons on how I want to do things differently. And I wish that I knew that even earlier, even though there's no missteps that ⁓ all ⁓ strive ⁓ be the parents that we ⁓ we had, ⁓ if it wasn't received. by you as a child, that you can do that and that in itself can be healing for yourself. And that has been a whole nother journey parenthood. Dr. Vanessa Calderón: Okay, hold on. We're going to go to we're going to talk about both of those. The control one, I remember, but the second one, what you just said, if I I could have been the parent to myself that I wish I had. Is that what you just said? Wow. OK, let's I just want to break that down, because one of the things you said is I just assumed I would parent the way I was parented. And I think most of us walk around life without asking guests and questioning anything that we're ever doing. We just do things reflexively. We don't realize we're doing it. Tasha Faruqui: Yes. Dr. Vanessa Calderón: based on programming, know, how we were programmed essentially, what we read, what we saw on TV. A lot of it is out of alignment with who we are at our core. And it creates a lot of incoherence. And that's where suffering comes in pain, people pleasing, lack of boundaries, all those types of things. it has to boil up to a point of like, whoa, like frustration, grief, resentment. Something has to happen for you to And when we change, we never offer ourselves that level of grace or compassion. Like maybe what you could have said, ⁓ which ⁓ was wish would have Tasha Faruqui: you Dr. Vanessa Calderón: parented my kids differently, but parented myself the way I wish I needed to be parented. Tell us more about that. How did you do that? ⁓ us an example of what that meant for you. Tasha Faruqui: ⁓ Well, in thinking about... a child crying. they're an infant, innately, trying to ⁓ stop crying. And I think that makes sense when you're an infant. ⁓ know, the baby is hungry, ⁓ they to be held, ⁓ their needs to be changed. That was for me. However, when they're a toddler or a young child they're expressing themselves ⁓ my ⁓ is make it stop, ⁓ whatever it takes to ⁓ avoid, stop, doesn't That work for and ⁓ what I was feeling the inside. ⁓ That instead, I would my child, and not even let, but encourage. ⁓ them to feel for them to feel safe and even if they did something wrong that I ⁓ be there hug them because they already knew that they did something wrong that they didn't need any further punishing and ⁓ That is what I felt on the inside, but then you almost challenge is that bad parenting and what is good parenting, what is bad parenting, and this doesn't feel right. And so instead I would think about... pretend like you're that child and you were just sobbing because you can't go out and be with your friends or you can't eat that other piece of chocolate cake. Like, what does that feel like and what would you need? that's like what would guide me to what's next ⁓ how to respond. And it just felt so much better. And it doesn't mean that my way is better, but it felt better for me. again, ⁓ on culture, there are so many reasons that people parent how they parent. And I ⁓ the privilege that have ⁓ in being in and I can see so many different ways parents ⁓ connect, that I at least had the opportunity to see that there's more than one way to do this. that's what felt best for me, that that is kind of what I have been leading with, ⁓ though it's unconventional. ⁓ ⁓ is my life. Dr. Vanessa Calderón: I love that you said your compass or your barometer for whether or not it made sense as if it felt right for you. Wow. I think that that's really, really huge. It takes a new level of self-trust to lean in to say, this feels right to me and I can trust that that must be the right way to do it if it feels right. And I want to just invite everyone listening to know that that's available to you. That level of trust that that your emotions, your feelings can be a compass for you. And I know Tasha, it was a journey for you to get to a place where you can be with your without chasing them away and then be with them and trust yourself enough to know and just want to honor you for that because ⁓ at the world it's opened up for you it's such it's like it's ⁓ it's like a new level of flow Tasha Faruqui: definitely a new level of flow and it's still flowing. Dr. Vanessa Calderón: I have so many more questions to ask you. haven't even talked about your book really I know we're coming to time so ⁓ those listening we're going to have a part two. Don't worry we have a lot to learn from Dr. Fruiky still but we ⁓ sign off Tasha, anything specific ⁓ you to share about the book? I didn't you ahead of time but if there's anything you want to read us in the book you can. Man, there's so much goodness here. if you're watching this on YouTube, it's called Keep Your Head Up by Dr. Tosh. You can find it anywhere. Anywhere you get books. I have teared up every time I've looked at the book and every time I open it up, I get emotional because... I know what has gone, I know your journey, I know what's gone into writing this and I know who you are as a person and I know your heart and your soul has been poured into these pages and ⁓ not just yours, but the story, like Soraya's life, you know? And so, Safi's life and your, like everybody's, know? And so I just, I really honor you for bringing this into the hands of so many people because I imagine, I'm sure you have so many testimonials of mothers and other family members whose hearts you've touched. you know, because of your courage to share. Tasha Faruqui: think the biggest surprise is having such a unique story. I did not realize could have such a universal impact on how the feelings are similar, even though the stories can be completely different. And, you know, as far as what I want to share is, along the journey, there are universal takeaways that I think that anyone living life can relate to. And I think for that, I'm hoping it will offer everybody something. Dr. Vanessa Calderón: think that that's right. I think that's 100 % right. Well, Tasha, it's been so, so, so, so wonderful to have you here. ⁓ I think you were on my very first podcast on the empowered brain way back many years ago. ⁓ And now you're here as an author. It's like, wow, to watch the arc of the journey is incredible. I love you so much, sweet friend. Thank you for sharing your time with us. Tasha Faruqui: Yeah. Thank you for having me. I can't wait for part two. ⁓ Dr. Vanessa Calderón: Absolutely. I can't wait girlfriend.