Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E196: “I Loved My Pimp”: The Transformation of an Ex Porn Star

Transcript

E196: “I Loved My Pimp”: The Transformation of an Ex Porn Star · The Lila Rose Show

• 0:00
  I was on crystal meth and heroin.
• 0:02
  I was selling myself on Backpage.
• 0:05
  How did you get involved in the porn industry?
• 0:07
  So there was the seed planted in me that day that if you take
• 0:10
  your clothes off, not only are you going to be praised, but
• 0:12
  you're also going to get paid. What would be your message to
• 0:15
  girls on Only Fans? After that, I felt like my soul
• 0:19
  had been ripped out. I hated myself again.
• 0:22
  I hated him. Has there been any baggage from
• 0:25
  your past in your marriage? I felt the Holy Spirit just say,
• 0:28
  Brittany, I love you so much. This is not the life that I have
• 0:33
  for you. If you would just.
• 0:34
  Quit. Hello everybody, and welcome
• 0:36
  back to the Lila Rose Show. We have had on the show before
• 0:39
  some really incredible people whose life stories have changed
• 0:42
  the lives of many people even listening.
• 0:44
  For example, Joshua Broome was on the show over a year ago to
• 0:47
  talk about how he was one of the top pornography actors over a
• 0:51
  decade ago winning awards. He hit rock bottom, had an
• 0:55
  incredible transformation, met Jesus Christ, and now is a
• 0:59
  married man raising four sons and sharing the truth of God's
• 1:03
  love with the world. So these stories are possible.
• 1:06
  The reality is no one is too far gone for the grace of God.
• 1:09
  Well, today we're sitting down with Brittany De La Mora who has
• 1:12
  a mind blowing story that I think is life changing for
• 1:15
  people who hear it. Brittany de la Mora is the
• 1:17
  founder of Love Always Ministries.
• 1:19
  She's a married mother of two from California, but she comes
• 1:23
  from a very difficult and dark past.
• 1:25
  Brittany will share her story of an incredible transformation of
• 1:28
  someone who went through living a very troubled childhood,
• 1:32
  getting involved with prostitution and pornography to
• 1:34
  now being free from all of that and being a messenger really to
• 1:38
  share God's mercy. You're going to love this
• 1:40
  episode. Just a content warning, as you
• 1:43
  can already guess, this is going to talk about some difficult
• 1:45
  topics. Of course, it's not super
• 1:47
  graphic or anything, but Brittany certainly will share
• 1:49
  her personal story. So this might be a good episode
• 1:52
  to listen when your little ones are not with you.
• 1:54
  OK, so you guys, I have to tell you, we looked at the channel
• 1:57
  analytics and our podcast analytics, and we have hundreds
• 2:00
  of thousands of you listening to the show, but many of you are
• 2:04
  not subscribed to the show. So if you're listening right
• 2:06
  now, make sure you hit that subscribe button, hit the
• 2:08
  notification bell so that you do not miss future episodes.
• 2:12
  Brittany de Lamora, thanks so much for joining the podcast.
• 2:14
  It is such an honor to be here with you.
• 2:16
  I have been following you on Instagram for quite some time
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  and I absolutely love what you're doing for the Kingdom of
• 2:22
  God. And so I just say thank you from
• 2:24
  the bottom of my heart for everything that you do.
• 2:26
  Thank you. Well, I have so much admiration
• 2:29
  for you and your ministry. Really.
• 2:31
  Your voice, I think is incredibly important,
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  increasingly important in today's crazy world, especially
• 2:38
  with only fans. Now there's reports there's a
• 2:41
  million accounts creators on only fans, many of them
• 2:44
  pornographic. So many young women today look
• 2:48
  at this and say, you know, this is a way to make money.
• 2:51
  So many men consuming pornography and women, There's
• 2:54
  so much confusion. And I think your story is
• 2:57
  incredibly inspiring. So I'm so excited to get to have
• 3:00
  it on the show today. Thank you for being here.
• 3:02
  Thank you so much. Well, I'd love to start you're
• 3:04
  we're both Californians, but I'd love to hear just about your
• 3:07
  background, how you were raised, where you grew up.
• 3:10
  I grew up in San Diego and I grew up as the oldest of three
• 3:14
  children. I love my little brother and my
• 3:16
  sister so much. I grew up kind of in just like a
• 3:20
  dysfunctional, chaotic household.
• 3:22
  A lot of verbal and emotional abuse that caused me to really
• 3:26
  question my identity and my value and my worth.
• 3:30
  I developed a lot of self hatred at a very young age and I really
• 3:35
  started just looking for love in all of the wrong places.
• 3:38
  My search for love landed me in a relationship where I had kind
• 3:44
  of like I wanted to practice sexual purity.
• 3:46
  Like I, I remember saying I want to be a virgin until my wedding
• 3:49
  night because a pop star that I used to look up to was a virgin
• 3:53
  on her wedding night. So I thought, I want to do that
• 3:54
  too. And I end up sleeping with the
• 3:57
  guy that I was dating. I gave my virginity away to him
• 4:00
  and then he cheated on me with three different women.
• 4:02
  And so that just created more rejection in me where I thought,
• 4:07
  not only am I being rejected at home, but I'm being rejected by
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  this, you know, high school guy that I thought, you know, I'm
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  going to marry, You know, my teenage, all the teenage
• 4:17
  fantasies that I had around marriage, we're really crushed
• 4:21
  in that moment. And so that's how I eventually
• 4:24
  got into the adult film industry.
• 4:25
  It was really me looking for love in all the wrong places.
• 4:28
  Can you share growing up, you said there was, you know, verbal
• 4:32
  abuse or emotional abuse, whatever you feel comfortable
• 4:35
  sharing. But you know what, What are some
• 4:37
  of maybe some examples that you can share, you feel comfortable
• 4:39
  sharing that maybe predisposed you to being particularly
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  vulnerable to the man that you know or other people that would
• 4:48
  be wanting to use you ultimately, but you were looking
• 4:50
  in exchange for love ultimately. So some of the things that I
• 4:54
  heard at home where I hate you, I wish I never had you, you're a
• 4:57
  loser, you're not going to amount to anything in life.
• 5:00
  And those are just some of like the kinder of the harshest
• 5:03
  things I heard. Just a lot of cussing, a lot of
• 5:07
  tearing, tearing me apart. And that was really that that
• 5:12
  was really hurtful. You know, I really started to
• 5:14
  feel like if they're, I, I remember, you know, hearing
• 5:18
  people talk about God and I would think things like, well,
• 5:19
  if there really is a God, like, why would he put me on this
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  earth? Like, is it just to torture me?
• 5:24
  Like, what's wrong? Like what's wrong with me?
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  And I started saying things like, my life would be better
• 5:29
  off if I wasn't even here. And that's from like a very
• 5:32
  young age. And I have two daughters and I
• 5:34
  can't even imagine them feeling that way.
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  I remember probably at like 10 years old wanting not wanting to
• 5:40
  take my life but having thoughts about it.
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  Were you sharing this with anyone growing up?
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  Just what you were kind of the inner turmoil including even a
• 5:51
  thoughts of taking your own life?
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  Did you have anyone that you could safe place that you could
• 5:54
  go, Someone you could talk to? Those thoughts I didn't actually
• 5:58
  share with anybody. I really kept it private.
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  I started journaling from a very young age, so I remember writing
• 6:03
  things out in my journal. I did have a grandmother who I
• 6:06
  really loved and trusted, but I think that because I didn't
• 6:09
  understand the thoughts that were going on in my head, I
• 6:12
  didn't feel like I was safe sharing them with anybody.
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  I also thought that if I shared those thoughts, that people
• 6:20
  might look at my parents different and you know, for some
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  reason I wanted to also protect them.
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  I think it was also coming from a place of fear.
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  Like I was afraid that if they found out that I was saying
• 6:30
  those things and having those kinds of thoughts that I would
• 6:32
  also get in trouble. How did you get involved in the
• 6:36
  porn industry? I was 18 years old and I had
• 6:41
  started working in a strip club in college, but that wasn't my
• 6:44
  first experience in a strip club.
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  After the guy cheated on me with three different girls, my
• 6:51
  friends were like, oh, let's go to Mexico because we live so
• 6:54
  close to the border and like, let's go party.
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  And it was my first time ever going there.
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  It was the first time that I ever got drunk.
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  And I saw another club out the way because I had gone outside
• 7:03
  to get some food. And I thought, I'm going to go
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  into this club because I recognize the name.
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  Because there were some kids in my high school class that would
• 7:12
  talk about the women and why. And they were so beautiful.
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  And I used to ask them like, well, why?
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  Why do you like the women there? And they'd say, oh, it's boy
• 7:19
  stuff. Like don't worry about it.
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  And so I'm like, I wonder what this club is all about.
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  So I go up and I show my high school ID and the bouncer said
• 7:28
  you can't come in. You're you're in high school.
• 7:30
  And I said well I just want to dance.
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  I'm not going to drink. And he said, oh, you just want
• 7:34
  to dance. OK, we'll come on in.
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  And he brings me into the club and I notice it's a strip club.
• 7:41
  And he brings me be behind like 3 different women that were in
• 7:45
  line to go onto the stage. And that night, I took my top
• 7:50
  off and I just kind of followed what the other women were doing.
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  And people in the audience were saying, we love you, you're
• 7:56
  beautiful. And they were giving me money.
• 7:58
  And so there was the seed planted in me that day that if
• 8:02
  you take your clothes off, not only are you going to be
• 8:04
  praised, but you're also going to get paid.
• 8:06
  So when I'm in College in Santa Barbara, I had moved to Santa
• 8:10
  Barbara for college, I was just overwhelmed with work and
• 8:15
  school. So I decided to start dancing
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  again because I thought I can make a lot of money and not have
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  to work full time. And there were a couple
• 8:21
  producers that came in and said, you know, they were affirming me
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  again, feeding me everything that I wanted to hear.
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  You're beautiful. You're going to be a star.
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  They said, we make romance movies.
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  If you're ever interested, give us a call.
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  And I happened to be in LA where they were going to be recording
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  the next day. So I called them and they did my
• 8:39
  hair and makeup, took some photos and sent me over to an
• 8:42
  agency. And I got into that business for
• 8:45
  about seven years. So I'm very curious about the
• 8:48
  mindset going into it because again, this is the mindset of so
• 8:51
  many women today increasingly and men.
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  And so when you were, you know, feeling, you know, down and out
• 8:57
  after the breakup, being cheated on and you felt low self esteem,
• 9:01
  it sounds like, and you were, you know, partying in Mexico.
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  Were you if you can share, were you, I know, under the influence
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  of alcohol when you did that first, you know, active
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  stripping publicly, you know, kind of breaking that barrier of
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  doing that. Or was it just more like I'm
• 9:15
  going to get back at? You know I am desirable.
• 9:17
  I'm going to get back at this guy who cheated on me.
• 9:19
  What was your? Can you share more about your
• 9:20
  mindset going into that? As you may know, porn addiction
• 9:23
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• 9:25
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  today. What was your?
• 10:25
  Can you share more about your mindset going into that?
• 10:27
  I had broken heart, a broken heart and liquid courage, which
• 10:30
  is an awful combination. It was the first time that I
• 10:33
  ever got drunk was in Mexico at a nightclub that a lot of high
• 10:37
  school kids used to go to. And so when I saw the club
• 10:40
  across the way and I'm the bouncer brings me in and I see
• 10:45
  these other women doing it and I'm like, OK, you know, I'll,
• 10:48
  I'll, I'll give it a try. And I was also pretty drunk.
• 10:52
  So my, you know, my reasoning was not all the way there.
• 10:57
  I, you know, did something that if I was sober, I probably
• 11:00
  wouldn't have done. And then it was just that
• 11:03
  affirmation and the money that came with it.
• 11:05
  I think. I mean, I was 16.
• 11:06
  So I think I got like 60 bucks that night, which was a lot for,
• 11:09
  you know, a couple minutes on stage.
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  And so it was just the money and that affirmation.
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  How did you feel the next morning?
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  To be really honest, I felt empowered.
• 11:22
  We ended up going to, I told my friends about what had happened
• 11:26
  and we ended up going to a few other clubs because one of my
• 11:29
  friends said, Oh yeah, I do that all the time.
• 11:31
  I strip all the time. So she's like, I'll take you to
• 11:34
  other clubs. So we went to a couple other
• 11:36
  clubs that night and, you know, she was dancing.
• 11:38
  I didn't dance again, but she was and she was making money.
• 11:41
  And I think that I felt so empowered because what you don't
• 11:45
  get at home you'll look for in the outside world.
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  And I did not get affirmation at home like I I far from it.
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  And so when I found that in that club, it felt like this is where
• 11:57
  I'm being validated. Right.
• 11:58
  So it sounds like there was some getting involved in strip clubs
• 12:01
  in college you were mentioning and then there was this kind of
• 12:03
  entree into entry into the porn industry more directly.
• 12:08
  And you were going to you were kind of, you know, brought us up
• 12:10
  to the point where you had an agent.
• 12:12
  So I know we're going to get into that.
• 12:13
  But I'm curious, as you know, this was your mindset, this is
• 12:16
  where your heart was at in terms of just wanting affirmation and,
• 12:22
  you know, wanting to feel empowered.
• 12:24
  Was there any other moment when you were getting into more of
• 12:27
  the strip Club World, you know, in college?
• 12:30
  Was there any other moment where your conscience was like, you
• 12:33
  know, giving you trouble, or was it more affirmation and you felt
• 12:37
  even more, you know, at that time emotionally or
• 12:40
  psychologically empowered? Yeah, At that time, at 18 years
• 12:43
  old, I I did feel like I was being empowered in the strip
• 12:48
  club because you almost kind of like it.
• 12:51
  It's this false lie that you believe, like I'm taking my
• 12:53
  power back. You know, I've been hurt by men
• 12:57
  and now I get to take that power back.
• 12:59
  I get to be in charge. I get to be in control.
• 13:02
  And then I had became very promiscuous in college as well.
• 13:05
  I just started sleeping with a bunch of different guys because
• 13:08
  I really believe this lie that I told myself that if if a man
• 13:12
  sleeps with me, then that means that I'm valuable.
• 13:15
  That means that he thinks that I'm attractive.
• 13:18
  And you know, obviously nothing could be further from the truth.
• 13:21
  He was using me for sex and I was using them for validation
• 13:26
  and affirmation. And so I think that getting into
• 13:30
  the porn industry, it kind of felt like I'm just going to take
• 13:32
  this one step further. I'm already promiscuous.
• 13:36
  I'm already taking my clothes off for money.
• 13:39
  And so why not take it one step further?
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  And then too, I remember the word that really resonated with
• 13:45
  me that the producer said is you're going to be famous.
• 13:48
  And at that time in my life, I thought like, if I could be
• 13:52
  famous, then somehow, if enough people loved me, if enough
• 13:55
  people noticed me, if enough people I knew my name, then that
• 13:58
  would make me hate myself less because I really I was very
• 14:02
  insecure. I really hated myself and I
• 14:04
  wanted to be anybody but me. On top of that, I hate what the
• 14:08
  media does. They really portray sex work as
• 14:11
  something that is so glamorous. And I remember at like 16 years
• 14:16
  old watching the E true Hollywood story.
• 14:18
  And they had a very famous adult actress on there that, you know,
• 14:22
  most people knew her by name and she was glamorizing it.
• 14:27
  And, and I thought, wow, she's beautiful.
• 14:29
  Men want her. Women want to be her.
• 14:31
  If I could just be that, then somehow again, that's going to
• 14:35
  make me, you know, love myself. Was there a moment of any sort
• 14:41
  of or voice in your life? I don't know from her family, I
• 14:44
  don't know if they knew about the activities, but was there
• 14:46
  anybody who said what are you doing or this is wrong about any
• 14:50
  of that activity leading up to getting involved with the agent
• 14:54
  in in porn? Yeah, my family didn't know that
• 14:57
  I had gone to a strip club at 16.
• 15:00
  And then when I was dancing in college, I had a family member
• 15:05
  that found out and then she she just kind of said here's some
• 15:08
  rhino chips. You know, we're not going to go
• 15:10
  back to the rhino. So you can have this.
• 15:12
  And just like gave me rhino chips are basically money that
• 15:16
  you buy in the strip club that you can use in the strip club.
• 15:19
  So they had obviously been in the strip club and they had
• 15:22
  these extra rhino chips that she gave to me.
• 15:24
  So other than that, nobody knew what I was doing.
• 15:27
  So tell me more about when you first got this agent and what
• 15:32
  happened next. I went to the agency that same
• 15:36
  day that I had gone to LA just to check out the the scene that
• 15:41
  they were recording. And the agent brought me in and
• 15:45
  had me fill out a piece of paper that had a bunch of like
• 15:48
  abbreviations for different sex acts.
• 15:52
  And I had no idea what they meant.
• 15:54
  I was still pretty naive, even though I was promiscuous.
• 15:57
  I didn't know what a lot of things meant.
• 15:59
  So I just marked yes on all of them.
• 16:01
  And by the grace of God, the agent started asking me like,
• 16:04
  well, have you ever had anal sex?
• 16:06
  And I'm like, no, he's like, cross that off the list.
• 16:08
  Cross that off the list because everything is like BBA, you
• 16:14
  know, like they're all abbreviated so you have no idea
• 16:16
  what it means. So everything with the letter A
• 16:17
  he just crossed off and then he asked about, you know, some, a
• 16:22
  few other things that he ended up just crossing off the list as
• 16:25
  well. And so I feel like looking back,
• 16:28
  I'm really grateful for that because unfortunately, a lot of
• 16:31
  women get into the business and they're just like me and they
• 16:33
  mark everything and then they get in to do scenes that they've
• 16:37
  never even done in their own personal life, and they're
• 16:40
  really traumatized and feel really abused afterwards.
• 16:44
  And so that was my experience with the with the agent.
• 16:48
  And do you think women already in that mindset who might be
• 16:51
  getting into the industry and like being asked to do more, you
• 16:56
  know, extreme sex acts or disordered sex acts, whatever
• 17:00
  you want to call them, just based on the mindset of your own
• 17:03
  experience, having your own experience?
• 17:05
  Do you think a lot of these women, they want to prove
• 17:08
  themselves in a way, I don't know if that's as a leading
• 17:10
  question or they're maybe wanting to explore.
• 17:13
  I'm curious what you think is sort of the impetus.
• 17:15
  Is it exhibitionism? Like what is the impetus for
• 17:18
  women that do end up going down this route of the more extreme
• 17:22
  sexual behaviors? I think there's a plethora of
• 17:24
  reasons. I think, you know, someone would
• 17:28
  say that they want to explore their sexuality.
• 17:30
  I think others feel pressured. I know for me, if my agent would
• 17:34
  have crossed, would not have crossed those things off the
• 17:36
  list, I probably would have ended up doing them because I
• 17:39
  was such a people pleaser. I was so afraid of the word no,
• 17:43
  I, I would do whatever anybody told me to do because I, I
• 17:46
  didn't know how to say no. I didn't have a voice.
• 17:49
  When you are emotionally and verbally abused your whole life,
• 17:52
  you learn to just be quiet. And so I'm grateful for that
• 17:57
  experience that he did cross those things off the list.
• 18:00
  Other women, probably, if their agent doesn't cross them off the
• 18:03
  list, they feel pressured. I have heard of other stories
• 18:07
  where agencies put out ads saying like, oh, do you want to
• 18:11
  be a model? And a woman will will, you know,
• 18:14
  phone the agency and say, yes, I want to be a model.
• 18:17
  And she doesn't do her research. So when they they pay for her
• 18:20
  flight to fly into Los Angeles and then she finds out that it's
• 18:25
  not just modeling, it's actually pornography.
• 18:28
  She has no money. She's 18 years old.
• 18:30
  How is she going to get back home unless she does the scene?
• 18:32
  They're also putting her in one of their model apartments.
• 18:35
  And so they're saying, now you owe us rent money, which was,
• 18:38
  and this was back in like 2000. I was in the industry from 2005
• 18:42
  to 2012. They would charge $1000 per bed.
• 18:45
  They put like 3 beds in a room. So you're paying for one bed
• 18:48
  $1000. That was really expensive, you
• 18:51
  know, even in in that day and age.
• 18:54
  And so now she's having to pay $1000 a month to stay in this
• 18:58
  place. She owes money for airfare, plus
• 19:00
  she owes money for the driver that's driving her around.
• 19:02
  She owes money for the agency fees.
• 19:04
  And so basically she has to do the scenes or how is she going
• 19:08
  to get back home? So there's so many different
• 19:11
  reasons why a woman would do more than they'd probably be
• 19:14
  willing to do. I want to come back to the only
• 19:18
  Fans phenomenon in a few minutes because I do think that I, you
• 19:22
  know, I'm sure you have a lot of perspective on that, but, and
• 19:25
  that's kind of a newer thing in the last few years.
• 19:28
  But you know, so you see, so after you had this agent and you
• 19:31
  started working in the porn industry, it was how many years?
• 19:34
  I was in the industry for a total of seven years.
• 19:36
  Tell me more about that experience.
• 19:38
  Was this, you know, you know, was there a lot of, was it very
• 19:43
  lucrative for you? How did your state of mind
• 19:47
  change as you got deeper into this world?
• 19:50
  I went into the industry very broken and I came out even more
• 19:54
  broken. When I went into the industry, I
• 19:56
  was very naive. I started using drugs very early
• 20:01
  on. My first experience with that
• 20:04
  was I was on set and a director told me you're so fat and you
• 20:08
  need to lose weight. And I'm like 5 one 105 lbs.
• 20:12
  I was not fat and but it triggered me because I had
• 20:15
  struggled with anorexia in high school.
• 20:17
  And so I started using cocaine to lose weight and got hooked
• 20:20
  very early on. Probably within a month or two
• 20:23
  of being in the industry I was using cocaine every day to then
• 20:26
  I to the point where then people are saying you're too.
• 20:29
  Skinny, like we don't want to shoot you.
• 20:31
  And then I started using prescription pills and
• 20:34
  eventually heroin and crystal meth.
• 20:36
  So I It's not an isolated incident.
• 20:41
  There are so many women over the years.
• 20:43
  It's really devastating because people say the industry is so
• 20:45
  empowering, yet there's so many women who are committing
• 20:48
  suicide, and not just women, but men.
• 20:50
  And there's plenty of women over the years that have lost their
• 20:54
  life to overdose. There's one woman who has locked
• 20:58
  in syndrome. She was a very well known
• 21:00
  performer in the industry. She was basically in a coma for
• 21:03
  almost a year. And now she's awake and she
• 21:06
  cannot move her body. She cannot speak.
• 21:08
  All she can do is move her eyes, imagine.
• 21:10
  And she was using 5 to 6 milligrams of ketamine a day
• 21:13
  before this happened to her. And you and that's the locked in
• 21:16
  syndrome is from the drug abuse so.
• 21:19
  She was in a rehab center trying to get treatment and she was
• 21:24
  very malnourished. They did not put a 5150 on her
• 21:27
  in the rehab Center for whatever reason, and she was refusing to
• 21:29
  go to the emergency room. And so one day they walked in
• 21:33
  and they found her unconscious and she remained like, she's
• 21:35
  been like that for a while. And she had been in the porn
• 21:39
  industry before that. Yeah, yeah.
• 21:41
  So it's, it's a really hard industry.
• 21:46
  The Bible teaches that the wages of sin is death and that sexual
• 21:50
  immorality is a sin against your own body.
• 21:52
  And so if you're a habitual liar, like you're not sinning
• 21:56
  against your own body, but if you are having sex outside of
• 21:59
  marriage, you are sinning against your own body.
• 22:01
  And it's something that the weight of that is so heavy.
• 22:04
  It's such a burden. It's not just a physical act,
• 22:07
  it's a spiritual act. And so many people don't see
• 22:09
  that. And so it's no wonder that so
• 22:11
  many performers lose their lives.
• 22:13
  I mean the average age age expectancy for a porn performer
• 22:17
  is just 35 1/2 years old. I'm almost 38 so I've surpassed
• 22:22
  that by a few years but I can't imagine.
• 22:24
  But you left. But I left the industry in time
• 22:27
  to save your God saved. You by the grace of God only.
• 22:30
  And and and. The average age of life
• 22:33
  expectancy is around 35 years because of suicide.
• 22:36
  Yeah, I mean, drug abuse, absolutely.
• 22:40
  And then another one that's really high in the industry is
• 22:43
  murders and HIV. Our AIDS is what kills.
• 22:47
  People. Did you get to know people
• 22:49
  during those seven years when you were in the industry?
• 22:51
  Pretty well Both other women involved and men.
• 22:54
  Yes, I did. Yeah, I I've had.
• 22:56
  I mean, I still talk to women to this day.
• 22:59
  A lot of women have a lot of brokenness and are afraid to
• 23:03
  leave the industry because you just start to believe the lies
• 23:07
  that I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it like there's
• 23:10
  no other life for me. I remember thinking like
• 23:13
  teachers get fired for having lingerie photos, like how who's
• 23:17
  ever going to hire me after this.
• 23:18
  And so you think that you're stuck in that industry, which is
• 23:20
  so far from the truth, like you can evolve, you can grow.
• 23:24
  And so yeah, I talked to other women.
• 23:26
  I have, I've lost a lot of friends that I, you know, I
• 23:30
  tried to help after finding Jesus and, and just trying to
• 23:34
  help them get out of the industry and unfortunately
• 23:36
  they're not here anymore. So, so it's a really, it's a,
• 23:40
  it's a hard industry. It's so hard.
• 23:43
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• 24:47
  What are some things that you think most people don't know
• 24:50
  about? The porn industry and and I
• 24:53
  should have already clarified, you said you got into the porn
• 24:55
  industry. Was it also adjacent to other
• 24:58
  kinds of they call it sex work, but say prostitution.
• 25:01
  I mean, was that, did you have experiences with that or was it
• 25:03
  mostly just pornography? I did mostly porn and then I
• 25:08
  don't know at what point, maybe like two to three years.
• 25:11
  Then I started doing what they would have considered like
• 25:14
  higher end escorting. And that was like where you go
• 25:18
  do overnights for like 10,000 dollars, $20,000 and you're
• 25:22
  seeing very wealthy men. And then I had left the business
• 25:27
  at about 3 years. I got sober and you know,
• 25:31
  received Jesus as my Lord and Savior.
• 25:33
  But then another man came into my life that was a pimp.
• 25:36
  This guy got me back into the industry for another three
• 25:38
  years. And when he brought me back in,
• 25:40
  it was more like I was still doing the high end escorting,
• 25:43
  but then I was also doing the lower end prostitution, which,
• 25:46
  you know, looking back, I feel, you know, humiliated by that
• 25:50
  because you'd sell yourself sometimes for like, $100, just
• 25:53
  whatever people were willing to pay.
• 25:56
  Yeah. So I want to explore that
• 25:59
  because even that just has a lot of, I think it, it's very
• 26:03
  important for people to kind of to understand the dynamics of
• 26:05
  what goes into this, the mindset that goes into this, the
• 26:08
  temptations for those first three years that before we get
• 26:12
  to kind of your first break, like I want to get away from
• 26:14
  this. Did you?
• 26:16
  What was maybe the toughest thing that you experienced or
• 26:18
  saw that you can share? I I think just the types of
• 26:30
  scenes that they had me do from the very beginning because I got
• 26:35
  in when I was 18 years old. I was not a woman of conviction
• 26:39
  at that time in my life. I was kind of just anything goes
• 26:44
  and they would put me in like pigtails and schoolgirl outfits
• 26:49
  and like costume jewelry. And I remember getting to a
• 26:53
  point where I started like getting little tattoos on my
• 26:56
  body because I didn't want to do those scenes anymore because I
• 27:00
  really felt like it encourages pedophilia.
• 27:03
  And that's really, it's really hard.
• 27:08
  I told my agent like, I can't do scenes with pigtails anymore.
• 27:11
  Like do you? And I even told him, do you
• 27:13
  realize they're pairing me with old men and they're putting me
• 27:16
  in this costume jewelry. An 18 year old would never wear
• 27:18
  this kind of jewelry. A six year old would wear this
• 27:20
  kind of jewelry. It's kind of jewelry.
• 27:22
  My daughter goes to Claire's and it's like, this is so cute.
• 27:24
  Can I get it, mom? And that's the kind of stuff
• 27:26
  they put you in. And then they have you say
• 27:28
  things like I'm I'm barely 18 because legally you have to be
• 27:33
  18. But they want to make sure that
• 27:34
  people know that you're barely that age or there's the whole
• 27:38
  I'm barely legal. And so it's and unfortunately
• 27:43
  that is some of the most popular types of scenes.
• 27:48
  And I know that porn is a gateway.
• 27:52
  So when people see those kinds of scenes, that can only fill
• 27:55
  them for so long before they start looking on the dark web or
• 27:58
  start actually re enacting those scenes on children.
• 28:02
  And so, yeah, I think that's really disgusting and and really
• 28:06
  hard. That was the hardest thing that
• 28:08
  I've been through in that business.
• 28:11
  It sounds like that was a red line that you didn't want to
• 28:14
  cross. Like there was.
• 28:15
  So your conscience was was active.
• 28:17
  It was there, you know, obviously not for this other
• 28:20
  aspect of your life, not yet. But were there other people
• 28:23
  around you? I mean, when they there's all
• 28:25
  these foreign creators, you know, doing these scenes to
• 28:30
  effectively sexualize children And did you see other people
• 28:34
  have a moment of conscience about it?
• 28:36
  What was your experience of that?
• 28:40
  In the business, people don't really talk like that.
• 28:43
  It's very surface, like all the friendships that you have are
• 28:46
  usually very surface level friendships, drug relationships.
• 28:51
  You don't really sit and talk about your pain.
• 28:56
  And that's I think part of the reason why it's so hard to talk
• 28:59
  about your pain is because nobody else talks about it.
• 29:01
  So then you start to feel like I'm the only one that feels this
• 29:04
  way. So I have never heard anybody
• 29:07
  else while I was in that business that felt the same way.
• 29:11
  And then plus a lot of, you know, it's a paycheck, so people
• 29:15
  will do a lot for for money. What inspired you?
• 29:20
  You said after three years you left and you actually found
• 29:22
  faith. Yeah.
• 29:23
  Tell me. Tell me how that happened.
• 29:25
  I was dating a guy and he was a production coordinator and we
• 29:31
  were engaged and things didn't work out and we broke up and I
• 29:35
  was we, we had a drug relationship and we would use a
• 29:39
  lot of Oxycontin's. And when we broke up, I kind of
• 29:42
  started getting into heroin and I remember not being able to get
• 29:47
  a hold of Oxycontin or heroin. And the withdrawals are brutal.
• 29:51
  You feel like you're dying, pain all over your body, you're
• 29:54
  nauseous. And I felt like I was going to
• 29:58
  take my life because it was so painful.
• 30:00
  And I called him and I said, I'm going through this.
• 30:03
  What do I do? And he's like, I don't know,
• 30:06
  just call your grandma, like, ask for help.
• 30:08
  And it felt like such a great idea.
• 30:10
  So I called my grandma and she came to LA from San Diego.
• 30:14
  And she picked me up and she let me come to her house.
• 30:17
  And I withdrew from the drugs there, detoxed and her and my
• 30:24
  grandpa were no longer together. But I found out that he had been
• 30:26
  going to church. So I asked him if I could go to
• 30:28
  church with him. So him and his wife came and
• 30:31
  picked me up and they took me to church.
• 30:33
  And I just remember like just eating everything up the whole
• 30:37
  service and like this is so good, I need Jesus.
• 30:39
  And the pastor said at the end, like, you know, Jesus really
• 30:43
  wants to heal you today. And if you want a touch from God
• 30:46
  and you want to, you know, receive Jesus as the Lord of
• 30:49
  your life, come up to the front so we can pray together.
• 30:51
  And I ran up to the front and I received Jesus as my Lord and
• 30:56
  Savior. And they took me into a room
• 30:59
  afterwards and prayed with me and gave me a Bible.
• 31:02
  And it was the first Bible I'd ever received.
• 31:04
  And I just started to devour that the Bible and like I just
• 31:08
  fell in love with the word of God instantly.
• 31:11
  And that's eventually when I got involved in it with a pimp.
• 31:16
  That's I mean, first of all, it's just such a beautiful, you
• 31:19
  know, story that you were you were going there sounds like at
• 31:23
  a kind of a rock bottom and Jesus was just there and you
• 31:26
  wanted to you wanted him, you wanted to receive him.
• 31:29
  You were so nourished. It's also really incredible that
• 31:33
  it I mean, it's so powerful that you Share your story, Brittany,
• 31:36
  because it just really shows people that it's not one and
• 31:39
  done. It's not like, you know, have a
• 31:40
  rough life, choose God, live happily ever after.
• 31:43
  There's stages and there's temptations and there's trials.
• 31:46
  And tell me about how you went from OK, Jesus is my Lord and
• 31:51
  savior. This is the life I want.
• 31:52
  And then you're end up back right back into sex work.
• 31:55
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• 33:01
  Tell me about how you went from OK Jesus is my Lord and savior,
• 33:04
  this is the life I want and then your end up back right back into
• 33:08
  sex work. Yeah, so I got involved with a,
• 33:11
  with a pimp. I didn't think that the ending
• 33:15
  goal was for him to be my pimp. You know, I just, that's not how
• 33:18
  it works. It's very manipulative.
• 33:20
  Very. They make you feel like like
• 33:22
  they want you and you're going to be their their wife and you
• 33:27
  know all those things and so. Sorry, how did you meet this
• 33:30
  guy? Was it through the porn industry
• 33:33
  or where did where did you guys get connected?
• 33:34
  OK. So I'll have to backpedal a
• 33:36
  little before him I met another guy that was in a motorcycle
• 33:40
  gang and we started dating and I moved out of my grandma's house,
• 33:44
  moved in with him. Big mistake.
• 33:47
  One night he was stabbed to death in front of me by a rival
• 33:51
  gang. And he was friends with the
• 33:54
  pimp. So when I was at the hospital
• 33:58
  after he the day that he passed away, the pimp rode by on a
• 34:02
  motorcycle and said, Hey, you know, how are you getting home?
• 34:05
  And I'm like, I don't know. And he's like, I can take you.
• 34:08
  We go back to the apartment. They locked me out because my
• 34:11
  name wasn't on the lease. And so he's like, why don't I
• 34:14
  put you in a hotel? Like, and I'm like, because at
• 34:17
  this I have nowhere to live. I just moved out of my
• 34:19
  grandma's. I'm living with this guy for
• 34:20
  like a month and he gets stabbed.
• 34:22
  And did you not want to call your grandma cuz you were
• 34:25
  embarrassed? Yeah, I think I felt a little
• 34:27
  bit of shame because my grandma told me she's like, he's not a
• 34:30
  good man, don't do it. And you know, I think I just
• 34:33
  started to feel a little bit of shame.
• 34:34
  And I know I could have called my grandma and she would have
• 34:36
  rescued me. She's the most amazing woman on
• 34:38
  the planet. But it was my own shame.
• 34:41
  So I ended up allowing him to get me an apartment and he or
• 34:46
  sorry, not an apartment, a hotel room.
• 34:47
  And he kept me there for a little while.
• 34:50
  Meanwhile, he's also giving me crystal meth.
• 34:53
  And so that was the worst experience because I started
• 34:56
  very quickly hearing voices and I started to think that, you
• 35:00
  know, the murderers were after me and I needed to end my life
• 35:03
  otherwise they were going to kill my family because I was the
• 35:05
  only one of the only witnesses. And just all these I'm hearing
• 35:08
  these demonic, but I didn't know they were demonic.
• 35:10
  I didn't know what they were. And and so like he's the pimp
• 35:15
  said, you know, I think you need to go into like a mental
• 35:18
  institution. And I'm like, I don't, I need
• 35:20
  help. I, I don't know.
• 35:21
  I'm hearing these voices, you know, and I thought everyone
• 35:23
  around. Me.
• 35:24
  You didn't say, hey, maybe it's the crystal meth.
• 35:25
  Yeah, no, I don't know why. When you're using, how can?
• 35:29
  It be that I'm hearing voices on crystal meth.
• 35:31
  This is ridiculous. I just need to get mental
• 35:32
  health. Yeah.
• 35:33
  No, I had no, honestly, I didn't think it was the drugs.
• 35:36
  It was so convinced, the voices were so convincing that I
• 35:40
  thought that, you know, it was the FBI was watching over me.
• 35:44
  I don't know. I just, I had no idea, but yeah,
• 35:48
  sorry to. Interrupt but one more question
• 35:50
  while you're in the space of, you know, kind of went against
• 35:54
  what grandma was saying, moved in with, fell in love with
• 35:56
  another guy, motorcycle man moving with him.
• 35:58
  He's stabbed to death in front of you.
• 36:01
  You know, you're now with this other guy, you're on drugs
• 36:03
  again. That little seed of faith that
• 36:05
  you have, you know, I want to follow you, Jesus.
• 36:08
  How did that did that kind of haunt you at all?
• 36:11
  Did that surface at all? Or was it more just like, I want
• 36:13
  to follow Jesus, OK, but now I got to go keep just living.
• 36:17
  You're in this habit of how to live, and you went right back to
• 36:19
  that habit. Tell me more about that.
• 36:21
  As a brand new Christian, I didn't really know what it meant
• 36:24
  to follow Jesus. I hadn't been discipled.
• 36:27
  I was reading the Bible, but I was in.
• 36:30
  At that time. I was still in the book of
• 36:31
  Genesis because it started from the beginning.
• 36:34
  I didn't fully understand what that even meant.
• 36:37
  And then the pimp was a very conflicted, backslidden
• 36:41
  Christian. And so he started telling me,
• 36:45
  you know, you know, Jesus loves. This is how he kind of got me
• 36:48
  into prostitution. Jesus loves prostitutes.
• 36:51
  Don't you know that? He revealed himself to Mary
• 36:54
  Magdalene first, his resurrection.
• 36:57
  He loves it's he's OK with prostitution.
• 37:01
  And I hadn't read the whole Bible.
• 37:03
  I didn't know I trusted his voice.
• 37:04
  And I was like, oh, OK. And one thing I told him, I'm
• 37:08
  like, hey, if you if I get back into this work, like I already
• 37:11
  know you and I are not going to last.
• 37:12
  And he's like, oh, no, don't say that.
• 37:14
  And I'm like, no, it's true. I already know.
• 37:17
  But you know, I'll do it because at this time, after the mental
• 37:20
  institution, after I got out, he moved me in with him.
• 37:24
  So now I'm living with him and it's just kind of like, you
• 37:27
  know, what do I do? So I'm with him and what?
• 37:31
  Do you do financially? Yeah, What do I do financially?
• 37:33
  I mean, I could have got back into porn and left him.
• 37:36
  I mean, that's all I really knew at that point.
• 37:38
  I think I was about 2122 years old, something like.
• 37:41
  That and was he pimping other women at this time?
• 37:43
  He had one other woman that he was, yeah, that he was pimping
• 37:49
  out. And what did you know about that
• 37:50
  arrangement at that time? All I knew was that she stayed
• 37:55
  in a hotel. She was from the East Coast, and
• 37:57
  she was living in San Diego at that time in a hotel.
• 38:00
  And he would just, like, boast about the money she was making.
• 38:03
  So when I got back into porn the second time around, I went from
• 38:06
  working, like every day the first time around to this time I
• 38:09
  wasn't working as much. I was working, you know, a
• 38:12
  couple weeks out of the month, month, and he would say things
• 38:15
  like, well, look, you know, and show me all the money.
• 38:17
  She's making $1000 a day, you know, and a slow money is better
• 38:21
  than no money and all this stuff, you know?
• 38:23
  Is he handling her clients? Like how did that work?
• 38:25
  What was the business arrangement between them that
• 38:26
  you might, might, might know of? So she would post her ads on
• 38:30
  like a Backpage, which was kind of like a Craigslist, and they
• 38:34
  would just come in and she'd keep the money and he'd go once
• 38:38
  a day and just collect the money.
• 38:40
  But why did she need him? You know that is honestly.
• 38:43
  Doing for that transaction. The women that get into that
• 38:47
  kind of industry, that get into that line of work, if you want
• 38:51
  to call it that, are so broken that you feel like you're
• 38:58
  validated just by having someone around.
• 39:02
  I found out. Acts like they care about.
• 39:04
  You. Yeah, exactly.
• 39:05
  And I found out later that they did have a sexual relationship
• 39:08
  which he had lied to me about. I had no idea.
• 39:12
  And so she, you know, she felt wanted and then in a warped way,
• 39:17
  then when he brought me in, it played on her rejection and
• 39:20
  insecurity. So then she tried to make more
• 39:22
  money. And, you know, and I, I think he
• 39:25
  had her for maybe about a year that we were together.
• 39:27
  And then I honestly don't know what happened to her after that.
• 39:32
  So in a way, there was sort of this pitting against each other
• 39:36
  because you were both sexually involved with him and he was
• 39:40
  kind of telling you, you know, all of this affirmation.
• 39:43
  Did he say he wanted to marry you?
• 39:44
  Oh yeah, he bought me a ring with the money I made.
• 39:49
  It's really dysfunctional. And so when and then how much of
• 39:53
  the money would you give him? You'd give 100%.
• 39:56
  You gave your pimp 100% and he said he was a Christian man.
• 39:59
  He wanted to marry you. Yeah.
• 40:01
  He actually took me and got me baptized at a church, too.
• 40:04
  No way. Yeah.
• 40:07
  How do you think other people didn't notice what was going on?
• 40:11
  I don't know. I think it's a really good
• 40:15
  question. I, I, I know definitely.
• 40:17
  I know some people sensed it. My grandmother.
• 40:21
  The grandmas, yeah. She would not even look him in
• 40:24
  the face. I brought him around one time
• 40:26
  for like my birthday dinner or something and invited all my
• 40:28
  family. And she wouldn't even look at
• 40:30
  him and talk to him. And he was like, Oh well, she's
• 40:32
  racist. You know, your grandma's just
• 40:34
  racist. That's why she won't, she won't
• 40:36
  look at me. But what was her?
• 40:38
  Because he was black. And she was.
• 40:40
  White, yeah, but it's not that she was racist.
• 40:42
  She knew that he was not a good man, and she was ticked off that
• 40:46
  he was taking advantage of her. First of her as her first
• 40:49
  granddaughter. And was there any point when you
• 40:51
  were with him that you questioned what you were doing,
• 40:56
  You know, had any sort of encounter with Jesus Christ
• 40:59
  saying, you know, repentance in no more, you know, had an idea
• 41:02
  that prostitution was sin like what was what was that like?
• 41:07
  I did have an encounter with Jesus and I'll get to that, but
• 41:10
  I was really in like just La La land because I felt almost like
• 41:15
  this guy was my savior because I he got me off drugs.
• 41:19
  The voices had kind of subsided. I mean, I would hear them like
• 41:23
  occasionally, but they weren't as aggressive.
• 41:27
  And so I felt like, well, this man has helped me.
• 41:29
  He got me baptized. You know, he knows the Bible,
• 41:32
  knows the Bible. And so I almost felt like this
• 41:35
  guy was kind of like a savior to me.
• 41:37
  And I ended up getting pregnant with him.
• 41:40
  And I was so excited. And I thought, you know, I'm
• 41:44
  going to be a mom. And he's like, he had me take a
• 41:47
  pregnancy test. It was like an early pregnancy
• 41:49
  test because I just felt like something was off.
• 41:51
  And he's like, are you pregnant? Oh, I'm so excited.
• 41:55
  Take the test, Test. And so I took the test and then
• 41:57
  he's and I came out and told him, yeah, I am.
• 42:00
  He's like, no, you're not. We're going to take, we're going
• 42:02
  to take you to Planned Parenthood.
• 42:04
  And I'm like, no, we're not. And he's like, yes, we are.
• 42:07
  He's like, you are not going to have that baby.
• 42:09
  And so he had me schedule an appointment.
• 42:12
  Did he say why? He had a child with another
• 42:16
  woman who was older and living in another state.
• 42:20
  He didn't want the responsibility.
• 42:22
  He also knew that he was going to lose out on money.
• 42:24
  Because that would be time that I wouldn't be able to shoot porn
• 42:28
  or or do any escorting or prostitution.
• 42:32
  Did either of you have a question about whether or not
• 42:34
  this was actually his child? No, because at that time I was
• 42:40
  doing a lot of like escorting and I used protection and
• 42:45
  nothing had broke, so I was pretty confident that that was
• 42:48
  his. And where is this?
• 42:49
  This is Southern California, still San Diego.
• 42:52
  What happened next? So he took me to Planned
• 42:54
  Parenthood and they took me into a backroom and it was very early
• 42:59
  on in the pregnancy. So when they did the ultrasound,
• 43:01
  they were like, oh, we don't. We don't think you're pregnant.
• 43:04
  And I said, well, I took a pregnancy test.
• 43:06
  So they confirmed it and they said, Oh yeah, you are.
• 43:09
  So they were going to suction it out, which I've since found out
• 43:12
  is really dangerous because they didn't even know where they were
• 43:15
  suctioning. They just kind of shoved it all
• 43:17
  up. But before they did that, I was
• 43:19
  just crying hysterically. And they said, we're not going
• 43:23
  to do this on you today. You need to go home and you need
• 43:25
  to think about this. And I said, OK, so I walk out
• 43:29
  and the pimps like, oh, that was fast, you're done.
• 43:32
  And I was like, no, they're not going to do it because I'm
• 43:34
  crying. And he's like, wipe the tears
• 43:36
  off your face. Get back in there right now and
• 43:39
  get it done. And so I went back in and
• 43:43
  they're like, what's going on? I said, well, I I'm, I'm ready.
• 43:47
  They're like, Are you sure? And I said, yeah, I'm ready.
• 43:49
  And so then they performed the, I don't know what it's called,
• 43:52
  but they vacuumed out the child. So I share that story because
• 43:56
  after that, I felt like a chunk of my soul had been ripped out
• 44:01
  from me. I no longer looked at this man
• 44:03
  like a savior. I looked at him as my enemy.
• 44:05
  I hated myself again. I hated him and I wanted nothing
• 44:10
  to do with him. And that was about a year, year
• 44:12
  and a half in, and I just kind of felt stuck because I'm like,
• 44:15
  I've been giving him all my money.
• 44:17
  How am I going to, like, restart my life all over again?
• 44:21
  And so I kind of started using like prescription pills again.
• 44:25
  And at about the three-year mark that I was with him, I had an
• 44:29
  encounter with God. Me and the pimp got in a really
• 44:31
  big fight and he took my phone and the Holy Spirit said, go
• 44:35
  grab his phone and go outside. And I'm like, I don't know where
• 44:38
  it is. And the Holy Spirit told me
• 44:39
  where his phone was. So I go and I grab it.
• 44:42
  It was in like we had a little night stand.
• 44:44
  It was in the drawer. So I go and I grab it and I go
• 44:46
  outside and I'm kind of like just standing outside of the
• 44:49
  apartment complex. Like what am I going to do?
• 44:51
  Who am I going to call? And the Holy Spirit said, call
• 44:54
  your mom. And I said that I cannot call
• 44:56
  her. Like at the time, we had an
• 44:59
  estranged relationship. We still spoke, but it wasn't
• 45:02
  the best relationship. And I also had a lot of pride.
• 45:05
  And I say, I often say that pride will keep you stuck in a
• 45:08
  season that you don't even want to be in all because you're too
• 45:11
  afraid to ask for help. And I was in the season of I was
• 45:14
  prideful. I didn't want to admit that I
• 45:16
  needed help. And I told the Holy Spirit, I'm
• 45:18
  not going to call her. And he said, Brittany, humble
• 45:20
  yourself and call your mom. And it's like, how do you how do
• 45:24
  you say no to God after he said something like that?
• 45:27
  So I called her and she came and she picked me up.
• 45:30
  And God had been preparing me for this, for this moment,
• 45:34
  because I had done a couple escorting gigs where I was able
• 45:38
  to stash $10,000. And so I had $10,000 to kind of
• 45:43
  start fresh. I moved out of his place.
• 45:46
  I got an apartment. I had to pay off an eviction and
• 45:49
  got an apartment and got like a $5000 car on Craigslist.
• 45:53
  And then I was broke again. I had no more money.
• 45:55
  So I was going to go and shoot what would become my very last
• 45:58
  porn scene. I was on an before I had to go
• 46:02
  to Las Vegas. So I had to take an airplane.
• 46:05
  And the Holy Spirit, before I went to the airport, told me to
• 46:08
  bring my Bible. So I brought that Bible that I
• 46:11
  got three years prior at the Rock Church.
• 46:13
  And I'm reading Revelation chapter 2, verse 20 through 23,
• 46:18
  and it says that I have this thing against you.
• 46:21
  You tolerate that woman named Jezebel.
• 46:23
  I've given her time to repent and if she doesn't repent, I
• 46:27
  will cast her and her children and all who commit sexual
• 46:30
  immorality into a sick bed along with her.
• 46:34
  And in that moment, I started crying and I started having a
• 46:38
  conversation with God in my heart and I just said, God, I am
• 46:41
  so sorry. I said I'm that woman named
• 46:45
  Jezebel and I've been leading people into sexual sin and I'm
• 46:50
  sorry. Please forgive me and I felt the
• 46:53
  Holy Spirit just say, Brittany, I love you so much.
• 46:57
  This is not the life that I have for you.
• 47:00
  If you would just quit this industry today, I would bless
• 47:03
  your life like no man ever could.
• 47:05
  The life that I have for you will overflow with love and
• 47:08
  peace and joy. So take a step of faith.
• 47:11
  And so I quit the porn industry that day and started going to
• 47:15
  church. And yeah.
• 47:17
  And God has really done what he said He would do.
• 47:19
  My life overflows with love and peace and joy, and He's blessed
• 47:22
  my life like no man ever could. So after that last encounter
• 47:28
  with God and saying yes, I'm going to quit now, what was the
• 47:33
  next step? What?
• 47:33
  Tell me about what happened next because you know, we haven't
• 47:36
  gotten to the big reveal and some people listening know your
• 47:39
  story, but you know, you are happily married, You Beautiful
• 47:42
  children, you do have a beautiful life.
• 47:45
  So tell us how that happened. And, and one more thing else to
• 47:48
  say. And I know you know this so
• 47:50
  well. This is why your ministry is so
• 47:51
  important. There is a message out there to
• 47:54
  girls involved in pornography or prostitution that this is your
• 47:59
  end. This is the only path for you.
• 48:02
  And if you leave it, you're going to be broke and out and
• 48:05
  note there's no future for you. And you're defiantly saying, you
• 48:09
  know, because of God's grace there.
• 48:10
  Is a future for you? Absolutely.
• 48:13
  Yeah. I, I believed that same lie,
• 48:16
  which was why after, when I wanted, when I wanted out of
• 48:19
  that business after about a year, I stayed in, you know,
• 48:21
  it's a total of seven years because I thought that nobody
• 48:25
  would love me, nobody would ever hire me.
• 48:29
  But the beautiful thing is that when you surrender your life to
• 48:32
  God, he will make a way in your life where it looks like there
• 48:36
  is no way. And it's not about performance.
• 48:38
  It's about a relationship with Jesus and when you have a
• 48:41
  relationship with him, he will put it.
• 48:43
  My husband, wonderful man of God, would have never thought to
• 48:47
  marry a woman with a pest like mine.
• 48:49
  It just wasn't. He didn't say, hey, one day I
• 48:51
  want to marry an ex porn star, you know, and God put that on
• 48:55
  his heart. He saw me just serving in
• 48:56
  ministry and and he grew feelings for me.
• 49:00
  And when he prayed and asked God, God's like, she's the one
• 49:02
  for you, you know. And so there may be men out
• 49:05
  there too that may think that they could never date a woman
• 49:08
  that has a promiscuous past, but you just never know what the
• 49:10
  Lord could do. Look, I think of Gomer and
• 49:12
  Hosea, you know, a prophet and and God told him go and marry
• 49:17
  her, you know, and she was a prostitute.
• 49:19
  So you just never know what the Lord could do in your life.
• 49:22
  But it just takes you surrendering it to him with no
• 49:26
  agenda, just seeking him on a daily basis through prayer and
• 49:29
  worship and reading the Bible. And that's what I did every day
• 49:32
  when I, when I left the industry, men were still my
• 49:35
  weakness. And a guy hit me up on Facebook
• 49:39
  and I recognized him from high school And I, I went on his
• 49:42
  Facebook page and he had scriptures.
• 49:43
  So I go, hey, do you go to church?
• 49:46
  And he's like, yes, I do. And I said, could you take me
• 49:48
  with you to church? Because at this time I thought
• 49:50
  you had to be like invited or go with someone that was involved
• 49:55
  in the church. I didn't know that I could just
• 49:56
  walk into the church. So he brought me to church and
• 50:00
  we start dating and having sex already outside of marriage.
• 50:04
  And I'm looking for a job. And he's encouraging me to go
• 50:07
  into the strip club. And I'm like, I can't, I can't
• 50:10
  go to the strip club. People from church.
• 50:12
  What if they see me? And he's like, nobody in church
• 50:14
  goes to strip club. And I'm like, but you're telling
• 50:15
  me to go work in a strip club? Like I and at that point I had
• 50:18
  such a strong conviction. I even had a family member that
• 50:21
  was like, why don't you apply at Hooters?
• 50:23
  And I'm like, I can't wear that little amount of clothing.
• 50:27
  Like I just started feeling very convicted very early on.
• 50:31
  And so I go, I keep getting invited to the young adult
• 50:34
  ministry at the church that that guy had brought me to.
• 50:38
  And I finally decided to go one week.
• 50:40
  I hadn't gone up to that point because my boyfriend didn't want
• 50:42
  to go with me. And I was like, I don't want to
• 50:44
  go alone. But then I'm like, you know
• 50:45
  what? I'm just going to go alone.
• 50:46
  And it was a divine moment. There was a pastor that led the
• 50:51
  ministry and he was preaching. And this is for young adults.
• 50:54
  Yes, so he said, ladies, I have a word just for you right now.
• 50:58
  He said he's like, I feel like the Spirit of God is stopping me
• 51:01
  from my message and I need to tell somebody that you are a
• 51:05
  woman of God and that you are worthy of real true love.
• 51:08
  And that if your man is not treating you as a woman of God,
• 51:11
  he needs to step up or step out. Show him the exit sign because
• 51:15
  you are worthy of real true love and you are worth the wait.
• 51:19
  And I'm like, oh, that is Jesus speaking to me right now through
• 51:23
  this man because we were having sex outside of marriage.
• 51:27
  I told him that I felt God saying that we needed to not
• 51:30
  have sex outside of marriage. He was not in agreement.
• 51:33
  So when I'm hearing this man say you are worthy of real true love
• 51:37
  and you are worth the way, I received that word and I broke
• 51:41
  up with that guy and I committed.
• 51:44
  I told the Lord I'm going to stay single for an entire year,
• 51:47
  which doesn't seem like a lot to some people, but for me, I was a
• 51:49
  serial dater. That was a long time for me.
• 51:51
  I said I'm going to stay single for a year.
• 51:53
  I just want to get to know you, Jesus.
• 51:55
  I went home that night. I deleted all of my social media
• 51:58
  platforms that were attached to my former name.
• 52:01
  Hundreds and hundreds of thousands of followers just
• 52:03
  deleted it. I didn't, I didn't want anything
• 52:05
  to do with it. And then I heard that there was
• 52:09
  a purity ceremony at our church. So I vowed to wait until
• 52:13
  marriage to have sex again. And a couple years later, the
• 52:19
  man that preached that message asked me out on a date and he is
• 52:22
  now my husband. We just celebrated nine years of
• 52:24
  marriage and we have two beautiful daughters.
• 52:27
  And it was a journey to get to that point.
• 52:29
  It really took intentionality like I every single day I would
• 52:35
  wake up and I I would wake up hours before I had to go to
• 52:39
  work. Like 4 AMI would seek Jesus
• 52:41
  through worship and prayer and reading the word.
• 52:44
  And I would go on fast often. And I just built intimacy with
• 52:49
  Jesus. And anytime that I would hear
• 52:51
  his voice, I like a little child just obeyed like, OK, I'll do
• 52:55
  that, you know, and it was a journey.
• 52:58
  It was, Hey, it's time to throw away all of your clothes.
• 53:02
  It's time to throw away all of these movies that you have
• 53:05
  attached to your like just things that I had that were a
• 53:11
  representation of who I was. And God was just having me get
• 53:13
  rid of those things. He took me on a journey where I
• 53:17
  remember like just crying one day feeling like, am I ugly
• 53:21
  because I went from the porn industry where every day you
• 53:24
  hear somebody tell you that you're beautiful.
• 53:26
  And then I go to church and I'm dressing modestly and I'm like,
• 53:29
  nobody tells me that I'm beautiful.
• 53:31
  God, what's wrong with me? Am I ugly?
• 53:33
  And he's like, Brittany, I am depriving you of the very thing
• 53:37
  that you have been relying on all these years because I want
• 53:40
  you to know that you are beautiful.
• 53:42
  Whether anybody ever affirms you or not.
• 53:44
  It's not going to shake you. It's not going to move you
• 53:47
  because you know who you are. And me, I'm taking you through a
• 53:50
  process where I'm cleaning the inside of the cup.
• 53:52
  He was cleansing my heart. And I'm like, OK, So it was just
• 53:56
  like all these encounters of being counseled by the Holy
• 53:59
  Spirit. I remember him leading me to the
• 54:02
  mirror and he said, I want you to look yourself in the mirror
• 54:05
  and encourage that broken little girl that's inside of you.
• 54:07
  And he just started speaking to like my 12 year old self.
• 54:11
  I know that you hate life. I know that you want to end your
• 54:13
  life, but I want you to know that when you are almost 26
• 54:17
  years old, you're going to encounter Jesus and he's going
• 54:19
  to transform your whole entire life.
• 54:21
  So just like hang in there and I'm like sobbing in front of the
• 54:24
  mirror. And so it was a a journey of
• 54:27
  healing and being counseled by not just a counselor, but the
• 54:30
  counselor and the Holy Spirit. It has just ever since just been
• 54:35
  my best friend and my counselor and my guide.
• 54:37
  And yeah. So beautiful, Brittany, thank
• 54:42
  you. So beautiful.
• 54:43
  You had this very beautiful childlike faith, which is what
• 54:46
  we're all called to have. Were there people in the church
• 54:50
  community that were actively mentoring you?
• 54:53
  What did that look like? You know, the process of
• 54:55
  discipleship, it looked like obviously changing your life,
• 54:57
  changing your actions, your behaviors, prayer, you were
• 55:01
  reading scripture. Were there people that were kind
• 55:03
  of counseling you? What did that community piece
• 55:05
  look like? Yeah, So we had a really
• 55:08
  incredible church. It was actually my husband's
• 55:11
  uncle's church. He founded it 27 years ago and I
• 55:16
  was at that church for until we moved to Santa Barbara and I
• 55:20
  took their discipleship classes. So it was like a nine month
• 55:22
  program and I felt so victorious because you get to graduate and
• 55:26
  I'm like, oh, this is my first time.
• 55:28
  Like, you know, it just felt so rewarding because I never really
• 55:31
  finished anything that I started.
• 55:33
  So I did a nine month discipleship program there.
• 55:35
  I also had my dear friend and mentor to this day, Cynthia.
• 55:40
  She's been in my life for since 2012.
• 55:43
  I met her right as I started going to that that church and
• 55:46
  she has been a strong voice in my life.
• 55:48
  She she waited until marriage to have sex and she just inspired
• 55:53
  me in my journey and has faithfully prayed with me and
• 55:56
  for me. And she's just been such a good
• 55:58
  friend to me. I'm so selfless and kind and,
• 56:02
  and really discipled me in the word and I'm so grateful for
• 56:05
  her. And then my husband when we
• 56:07
  started dating, you know, he really became a great voice of
• 56:10
  God in my life as well. And then there were a couple
• 56:13
  other key leaders in the church that I, I had gone to some Bible
• 56:17
  studies. I was basically at church every
• 56:20
  single day, like any day that the church was open, I was
• 56:22
  there. It was like, I'm going on Sunday
• 56:25
  service and there for Friday nights, I go to Thursday life
• 56:28
  group, I go to midweek service. And the days that there was no
• 56:32
  church, I was like, oh man, open the building.
• 56:35
  I just want to be here. So yeah, I just, I lived in
• 56:37
  God's house. So I had AI had a lot of really
• 56:40
  great discipleship. You mentioned earlier when you
• 56:43
  had that first encounter with Jesus, you know, with before the
• 56:47
  boyfriend that was killed, that you, you know, were excited, but
• 56:51
  you didn't really know what it meant to be a Christian.
• 56:53
  And you know, there was clearly no sort of discipleship for you
• 56:56
  at that point. You didn't enter into a
• 56:57
  community. But you mentioned at one point
• 57:00
  that finances were a struggle because it's like once you had
• 57:03
  your ex-boyfriend, your boyfriend die, you didn't have
• 57:06
  money, you didn't have a place to live.
• 57:08
  You'd have to be back with your grandma.
• 57:10
  You were ashamed about that. So you're kind of down and out
• 57:13
  and then porn was how you were making money.
• 57:15
  That's what you knew. That's was that was your career
• 57:17
  at that point. What would what did you do
• 57:19
  financially at this point when you were now I'm going to be
• 57:22
  serious about my Christian life. I'm going to reject porn
• 57:24
  completely. What did that look like?
• 57:26
  So it took a few months to find a job which was so hard but I
• 57:30
  kid you not, God supernaturally provided.
• 57:33
  Like I remember one time you hear about oh checks
• 57:35
  mysteriously up here in the mail.
• 57:37
  Well, AIM Healthcare, where we used to get our STD test, for
• 57:40
  whatever reason, they'd never done this in my 7 years.
• 57:44
  They sent me a random check. I don't even know why, but I got
• 57:47
  a check from AIM Healthcare. And it wasn't that they were
• 57:49
  paying me for leaving the industry.
• 57:51
  There was something that happened that they were
• 57:53
  reimbursing performers for something.
• 57:56
  And so it was like I got a, a, a decent check there, but then I
• 58:00
  had to get out it. Was right after you read the
• 58:02
  verse about Jezebel and you told God, OK, I'm done with Warren.
• 58:05
  I'm going to whatever it takes, I'm going to follow you and you
• 58:07
  didn't have any. You didn't know what to do for
• 58:08
  your next. No, I had my last $1500 and that
• 58:12
  was it. I ended up at the apartment that
• 58:15
  I was living at. I got robbed.
• 58:17
  I suspect it was the man that I was with, but they never found
• 58:21
  who did it. But it was a blessing in
• 58:23
  disguise because the apartment felt so bad that they gave me
• 58:27
  back my, my rent check for that month and the deposit, the full
• 58:31
  deposit, even though I was breaking the lease early.
• 58:34
  So that was a little bit of extra money that I got.
• 58:37
  I moved in with my dad and his girlfriend.
• 58:39
  I was renting a room from them. So that saved me some money
• 58:42
  until I could eventually I found a Christian roommate that I was
• 58:45
  able to move in with. And then I found finally found a
• 58:48
  job and I was working as a receptionist at a limousine
• 58:54
  company and I did sales for them as well.
• 58:57
  Was making $11.25 an hour plus some Commission which wasn't
• 59:03
  very much. I live check to check but my
• 59:06
  bank account was low. But my heart was full and that's
• 59:09
  all that mattered. And you were trusting God
• 59:12
  absolutely that He would provide, that He did provide.
• 59:14
  He did, yeah. And then eventually I started
• 59:16
  selling real estate. And then when my husband and I
• 59:19
  got married a couple years, then we started our ministry, Love
• 59:22
  Always Ministries. Wow, Yeah.
• 59:25
  Has there been any hang ups or maybe it would be baggage from
• 59:31
  your past in your marriage? Now you're a Christian woman.
• 59:34
  You have this ministry, reaching out to other women and men in
• 59:38
  the industry. You know, you have this pastor
• 59:41
  husband, these beautiful children.
• 59:43
  Has there has there been any struggles for you?
• 59:46
  Yeah, so the first three years of our marriage, I used to think
• 59:49
  I am totally healed, nothing bothers me, I'm not triggered
• 59:53
  like it was. I had so much peace and overflow
• 59:58
  of joy. And then when I started having
• 59:59
  children, that's when the baggage started to come up.
• 1:00:03
  My 5 year old, when she turned almost 3 she started having
• 1:00:09
  really massive tantrums. Because, and I know now looking
• 1:00:13
  back, there was a lot of change. I just had a new baby.
• 1:00:15
  She was used to being the only child and the tantrums would
• 1:00:18
  give me a lot of anxiety and I'm like, what is wrong?
• 1:00:21
  This just doesn't seem normal. Like I just want to run away.
• 1:00:25
  Like what is going on? And the Holy Spirit was like, do
• 1:00:29
  you remember growing up when you were told, don't cry or I'll
• 1:00:32
  give you something to cry about? And I'm like, yeah, he said you
• 1:00:36
  were taught that crying is not OK.
• 1:00:38
  So that's why, you know, you get triggered by the crying.
• 1:00:42
  And he said, what your daughter needs is your love and comfort,
• 1:00:45
  and you need to meet her in this place and comfort her right now.
• 1:00:49
  And it was just then became a journey of, OK, how do I get
• 1:00:52
  healed from this? So I started praying a lot,
• 1:00:54
  worshipping. I read some really incredible
• 1:00:57
  parenting books that really blessed my life.
• 1:00:59
  And it healed me and helped me to see my children.
• 1:01:02
  Like a mantra that I'll say to myself sometimes when, you know,
• 1:01:05
  every now and again, the tantrums will kind of creep up.
• 1:01:07
  And like, you know, if I'm busy doing something, it'll get to
• 1:01:10
  me. And I'm like, OK, my child is
• 1:01:12
  not having a heart or my child's not giving me a hard time.
• 1:01:15
  They're having a hard time. So I'll say that to myself.
• 1:01:18
  And it helps me to meet them where they are with love and
• 1:01:20
  compassion. Because tantrums and crying are
• 1:01:23
  a part of every child's life. But when you're taught that
• 1:01:26
  those things are not OK, it can bring up a lot of like, triggers
• 1:01:31
  and trauma in you. And so that's when I really
• 1:01:32
  started to realize, OK, maybe I'm not as healed as I thought I
• 1:01:35
  was. But interestingly, that's from
• 1:01:38
  your childhood. That wasn't from your time in
• 1:01:40
  the right. Yeah, yeah, has.
• 1:01:42
  There been anything from that that has affected your marriage
• 1:01:46
  or your relationships or by. The grace of God, no.
• 1:01:51
  When I went through the the period of just healing with the
• 1:01:54
  Lord, he helped me to really forgive everybody.
• 1:01:57
  I actually even went one day after a church service and I
• 1:02:01
  looking back, I'm like, I don't know if this was God, but I was
• 1:02:04
  so new in my faith. I felt it in my heart.
• 1:02:06
  So I did it. I went to the pimps house and
• 1:02:08
  said I forgive you. What did he say?
• 1:02:11
  He's like, are you on drugs? And I'm like, no, I just came
• 1:02:14
  from church. And I just want you to know that
• 1:02:16
  it's OK. I forgive you.
• 1:02:17
  It's very awkward. But the Lord led me to a place
• 1:02:22
  where truly I was not hurt by anyone that had hurt me.
• 1:02:27
  Like I just, I, I really, truly forgave everybody.
• 1:02:30
  And I remember when on our my Bachelorette party that I had,
• 1:02:36
  one of the women asked me like, oh, like you're finally going
• 1:02:39
  to, you know, how do you feel about that?
• 1:02:42
  And I'm like, I'm so nervous. I'm like, I feel like I've never
• 1:02:47
  had sex. Like the Lord, obviously I
• 1:02:49
  wasn't a virgin on my wedding night, but he restored my
• 1:02:52
  innocence and my purity so much that I just, I wasn't who I was
• 1:02:57
  anymore. None of that came with me.
• 1:02:59
  It reminds me of the scripture when there is a woman who can
• 1:03:04
  fortune tell and she's just like taunting Paul and he cast the
• 1:03:08
  spirit out of her and then all of a sudden she can't fortune
• 1:03:11
  tell anymore. And that's how I felt like that
• 1:03:13
  spirit had been casted out of me that I could not do or think or
• 1:03:19
  act like I once did. So come my wedding night, I felt
• 1:03:22
  brand new. How beautiful there are.
• 1:03:27
  You were on the Whatever podcast recently, which we've both been
• 1:03:30
  on. And you know, I think it's very
• 1:03:33
  powerful some of the conversations that can happen
• 1:03:35
  there. So kudos for the show for
• 1:03:37
  facilitating those. I know the show gets a lot of
• 1:03:39
  hate and I understand why. But at the same time, there's
• 1:03:42
  been some important conversations.
• 1:03:44
  You were on the show. You were on the show.
• 1:03:46
  We were talking about this before this interview with
• 1:03:48
  another guy who is pretty traditional and conservative
• 1:03:51
  from what I understand. But he basically, you know,
• 1:03:54
  maybe a good way to say this. He's trying to give very tough
• 1:03:56
  love to the only fan girls who come on to be like, what are you
• 1:04:00
  doing? This is ridiculous.
• 1:04:03
  But he also, I think you were saying you were concerned there
• 1:04:06
  was some, you know, more than just tough love.
• 1:04:09
  There was some, you know, hopelessness there like you want
• 1:04:13
  one and done. You live this life, you kill
• 1:04:15
  your future. And that's true.
• 1:04:17
  Like without God, you live sin, you kill yourself, you go to
• 1:04:21
  hell. You know, like the without God,
• 1:04:23
  none of us have a future. Can you share more about that
• 1:04:26
  experience and where you think the message was true and then
• 1:04:30
  where it wasn't true coming from this?
• 1:04:32
  I, I think that he really lacks grace.
• 1:04:38
  Like he's almost like all very harsh truth and no grace
• 1:04:44
  whatsoever. And I think that he has the
• 1:04:47
  tendency to make women feel like they've made awful decisions and
• 1:04:51
  that's just where they're going to be.
• 1:04:53
  There's no hope for them. No one's ever going to marry
• 1:04:55
  them, No one's ever going to love them.
• 1:04:57
  And he kind of feeds into the lies that the enemy is already
• 1:05:00
  feeding them anyways. And so it breaks my heart that
• 1:05:04
  he comes in the name of the Lord, because I don't feel as
• 1:05:08
  though he's really representing the heartbeat of Jesus.
• 1:05:11
  Where I can see truth is that, you know, he, he knows the, the
• 1:05:15
  statistics about hookup culture and about, you know, what it
• 1:05:19
  does to somebody to be so sexually active.
• 1:05:23
  Like, yes, that is a very harmful thing, but it doesn't
• 1:05:25
  mean that you're above redemption.
• 1:05:27
  And so it's like he kind of gives you the truth without the
• 1:05:30
  hey, but there's hope in Jesus. Jesus can turn your life around
• 1:05:34
  you. Jesus can still bring you
• 1:05:36
  somebody that can love you, you know, and, and will be able to
• 1:05:41
  overlook your past. And I know that God can do it.
• 1:05:44
  He's done it for me. And I've seen him do it in other
• 1:05:46
  women's lives. Another woman that I helped
• 1:05:48
  leave the industry many years ago.
• 1:05:50
  She's married with two beautiful children, children living on the
• 1:05:52
  East Coast. So I'm not an isolated incident.
• 1:05:55
  He tried to tell me, like, at the end he's like, well, you're
• 1:05:58
  just the exception, you know, not the rule.
• 1:06:00
  Most women aren't going to go on to have a life like you.
• 1:06:04
  And it's like, well, you can't really say that because anybody
• 1:06:07
  that surrenders their life to Jesus, he can do anything.
• 1:06:10
  He transforms the lives of drug addicts.
• 1:06:12
  He transforms the lives of those who are depressed and mentally
• 1:06:16
  ill. He he can do anything.
• 1:06:18
  And so to say that it's you've made your decision.
• 1:06:22
  Now you're just stuck here. Like that's not actually the
• 1:06:24
  truth and you don't actually know that.
• 1:06:26
  I think that argument comes in this place of like there's
• 1:06:29
  natural consequences for your action.
• 1:06:31
  And so I think what that kind of that kind of approach is, is
• 1:06:34
  like, well, you do, you know, you live a promiscuous
• 1:06:37
  lifestyle, you do pornography, whatever the natural
• 1:06:40
  consequences of your action are that, you know, the the good men
• 1:06:43
  are not going to want to be with you.
• 1:06:44
  And so, you know, you could say the cautionary, it would be a
• 1:06:48
  caution to women like don't play with fire.
• 1:06:50
  You're going to get burned. But then to your point, on the
• 1:06:53
  flip side, there's the fact that Jesus Christ is a Redeemer.
• 1:06:57
  And yes, his redemption is an eternity, but he can do miracles
• 1:07:00
  in this life. He can turn things around in
• 1:07:01
  this life. But at the end of the day,
• 1:07:04
  whether or not what happens in any one person's life is true,
• 1:07:07
  like the bottom line is we have, we are all equally called to
• 1:07:11
  trust Jesus and he's going to. That doesn't mean life will be
• 1:07:14
  easy after we choose to trust him.
• 1:07:16
  It doesn't mean there won't be consequences for things we did
• 1:07:19
  in the past or even things we might screw up in in the future.
• 1:07:23
  But it means that he has a plan and he can bring us peace and he
• 1:07:26
  can give us hope and he can give us those gifts that will help us
• 1:07:30
  deal with any storm. But I'd love your, your
• 1:07:33
  perspective on on that because I think it one more thing.
• 1:07:37
  I'll say, sorry to talk so much, but there is this sort of
• 1:07:40
  critique. It's like the prosperity gospel
• 1:07:42
  for sexuality. It's like, which cuts both ways.
• 1:07:45
  One way it says, oh, if you don't have sex before you get
• 1:07:48
  married, then you're going to have a great marriage.
• 1:07:49
  Everything's going to be perfect.
• 1:07:50
  It's going to be like it wasn't perfect.
• 1:07:52
  You know, I didn't have sex before marriage, but then I had
• 1:07:55
  a marital issues or it's not a big deal.
• 1:07:59
  Go into the porn industry, try stuff.
• 1:08:01
  Then you can always change your life later and trust Jesus and
• 1:08:04
  things are going to be OK. But that is so yeah, I don't, I
• 1:08:08
  don't like that because if you think I'm going to go into the
• 1:08:11
  sex industry and then I'm going to give my life to Jesus, that's
• 1:08:14
  that's manipulation. That's not having a true heart
• 1:08:17
  of repentance because you've already premeditated what you're
• 1:08:19
  going to do. And God is really looking at the
• 1:08:22
  heart. I got into the industry never
• 1:08:24
  thinking one day I'm going to become a Christian.
• 1:08:26
  It was just the unfolding of my life and the beautiful pursuit
• 1:08:29
  of Jesus that he was pursuing me even when I was broken and
• 1:08:32
  living in my sin. And so, yeah, I don't, I you
• 1:08:36
  can't just get into to that work with your whole, you've planned
• 1:08:41
  everything out, right? It's the Holy Spirit that leads
• 1:08:44
  us to repentance. It's him that draws us in.
• 1:08:46
  And so if you're already planning that out, like that's
• 1:08:49
  not a God thing. And I would caution you because
• 1:08:52
  things may not work out the way that you're planning for them to
• 1:08:55
  work out. You know, you really want to
• 1:08:57
  come to Jesus in humility and recognizing that I'm a Sinner
• 1:09:01
  and I am in so in need of a savior, not I'm going to use
• 1:09:05
  Jesus because I want to get married.
• 1:09:07
  If I had come to Jesus like that, I would not be married to
• 1:09:10
  the man that I'm married to today.
• 1:09:12
  I wouldn't have my beautiful daughters.
• 1:09:13
  And you were talking also about the consequences of your sin.
• 1:09:16
  I still have to deal with the consequences of my sin just
• 1:09:19
  because Jesus has given me a wonderful husband and two
• 1:09:22
  beautiful daughters. There's still consequences.
• 1:09:24
  Unfortunately, when you sign a contract in that industry, all
• 1:09:28
  your scenes are not your own. They can be repurposed as many
• 1:09:31
  times as the companies want to repurpose them.
• 1:09:34
  I still have videos to this day, 13 years later, that are still
• 1:09:38
  being released. And so the consequences to my
• 1:09:41
  sin is that my stuff is forever on the Internet.
• 1:09:45
  My poor husband when we were dating, it doesn't happen as
• 1:09:48
  often now, but people would send him videos and photos of me.
• 1:09:53
  One day I'm going to have to have a conversation with my
• 1:09:55
  daughters about what I did. I don't wish that upon anybody.
• 1:09:59
  You know, I mean, it's there's still consequences to my sin
• 1:10:04
  that I greatly wish that, that we're not a part of my life.
• 1:10:08
  But unfortunately they are because I did live that life and
• 1:10:11
  there are still consequences. What would be your message to
• 1:10:15
  girls on Only Fans? I would want them to know that
• 1:10:21
  they may think that they are in control of their footage and
• 1:10:24
  that oh, you were in porn. So it's so different for me.
• 1:10:27
  But it's not true because nowadays people can screenshot
• 1:10:31
  and screen record and all of your stuff is being a lot of
• 1:10:35
  your stuff is probably being saved.
• 1:10:37
  People are throwing it up on Reddit for free.
• 1:10:39
  So just like me, you are going to have a past where your images
• 1:10:44
  may be on the Internet forever. I would really consider you to
• 1:10:47
  or encourage you to consider your future.
• 1:10:50
  That was one thing that I didn't do and I think most women in the
• 1:10:53
  sex industry don't consider their future.
• 1:10:55
  Because if you actually sat and thought, do I want to be married
• 1:10:59
  one day? Do I want to have children?
• 1:11:01
  Do I want to have to explain all of this to them?
• 1:11:05
  Do I want people to be able to send my husband images of me?
• 1:11:09
  Because it happens all the time. I was just on the phone with a
• 1:11:12
  woman yesterday who you know, her and her husband, he's
• 1:11:16
  getting images of of her from her past and it happens all the
• 1:11:20
  time. So I would want you to know that
• 1:11:22
  there is not only do you need to consider what what you're doing
• 1:11:27
  now, but also know that there's freedom in Jesus and that you're
• 1:11:30
  not stuck in that industry. That if maybe you feel like
• 1:11:34
  nobody could ever love you or you'll never have a life outside
• 1:11:38
  of that, that is not the truth. And if you just take a step of
• 1:11:41
  faith today, like the Lord really would bless your life and
• 1:11:44
  He would help you and He would redeem things about you that you
• 1:11:47
  just didn't even know could be redeemed because He's just so
• 1:11:50
  good like that. There's a lot of girls who are
• 1:11:54
  involved and women who are involved in prostitution or only
• 1:11:56
  fans that have boyfriends. In a couple cases, it's a
• 1:12:00
  husband. You know, they might have even
• 1:12:02
  have legal documentation that they're married and the man is
• 1:12:06
  really involved in supporting his wife's career, as he calls
• 1:12:10
  it, or they're doing it together.
• 1:12:13
  What's your take on that? And do you think that, you know,
• 1:12:17
  I've, I've talked to some of these girls, you know, on like
• 1:12:19
  the whatever podcast that's an example.
• 1:12:21
  And they seem very adamant that, you know, well, he's, you know,
• 1:12:24
  he loves me. He's either married to me or he
• 1:12:26
  supports me. And you know, this is just a
• 1:12:28
  great way to make money. It's, it's so much deception
• 1:12:32
  because youth, if a man really loves you, trust me, they would
• 1:12:37
  not want you to sell yourself on only fans or on the Internet
• 1:12:42
  like they would love you so much that they would encourage you to
• 1:12:46
  not do those kinds of things. And that's not what love is.
• 1:12:51
  And there's this cultural lie that so many people believe I
• 1:12:55
  used to as well, that love means acceptance and tolerance of
• 1:12:59
  everything, but that's actually not love.
• 1:13:02
  That's very hateful to allow someone to do something that's
• 1:13:05
  destructive for their life. And then to say, let me slap my,
• 1:13:09
  I'm going to, I'm going to slap my support on it.
• 1:13:11
  Like that's, that's such a hateful thing to do.
• 1:13:15
  And so I think that these people that are in relationships and
• 1:13:18
  being supported by their significant other, they're
• 1:13:21
  they're really truly just deceived.
• 1:13:23
  And I hope and pray that one day their eyes are open so that they
• 1:13:26
  can see that that's not real love, because I think that
• 1:13:28
  everybody deserves real love. And I would hope that if their
• 1:13:33
  eyes are open to see like how hateful that actually is, that
• 1:13:36
  maybe one day they would get to receive real love and they would
• 1:13:38
  actually feel cherished and valued.
• 1:13:40
  And they'll look back just like I look back at all my
• 1:13:42
  relationships and I'm like, what was I thinking?
• 1:13:46
  You know, they'll look back and they'll they'll say the same
• 1:13:48
  thing. What was I thinking?
• 1:13:50
  Like how could I settle for somebody that approved of me
• 1:13:53
  selling myself on only fans? There's right now on some social
• 1:13:57
  media platforms, pornography is just everywhere.
• 1:14:01
  I mean, on X as an example, I think some of it was, there was
• 1:14:05
  less of it with some of the other kinds of censorship of the
• 1:14:08
  platform before Elon Musk purchased it.
• 1:14:10
  My understanding is now you can just post port on X.
• 1:14:13
  What do you think about that? Do you think that should be
• 1:14:17
  banned? What's your perspective?
• 1:14:19
  On that, yeah, it should absolutely be banned.
• 1:14:21
  He's he's saying that it's a free speech, but pornography is
• 1:14:24
  not free speech. It's explicit content that needs
• 1:14:27
  to be protected. And I've tried my hardest, along
• 1:14:31
  with other organizations, to fight for age verification
• 1:14:34
  because so many young children are stumbling upon pornography.
• 1:14:39
  I heard a man that I collaborated with say it's not
• 1:14:43
  if your children are going to see porn, but when, because they
• 1:14:46
  may not see it on a pornographic website, but they may see it on
• 1:14:49
  social media. And even if parents do all of
• 1:14:51
  their due diligence, keeping the phone and the tablets away, what
• 1:14:55
  happens if your child's in school and their friends parents
• 1:14:58
  aren't doing that same due diligence and so they show them
• 1:15:01
  pornography? And with X it can just pop up on
• 1:15:04
  your feed. Literally.
• 1:15:05
  X It can pop up. It pop up on one's feed.
• 1:15:09
  So they changed the guidelines a little bit to where you're
• 1:15:12
  supposed to actually label it as explicit content.
• 1:15:15
  But I did my research and there were, I came across scenes that
• 1:15:19
  were, that were explicit content that were not blurred out.
• 1:15:24
  And so I, I just don't even think it's a safe platform for
• 1:15:27
  people to be on, especially if they're underage, especially if
• 1:15:30
  they're struggling with lust and pornography.
• 1:15:32
  It's just not a safe place for people to be.
• 1:15:34
  There are a lot of Christians and just people of good, good
• 1:15:37
  faith people that want to do what's right, that struggle with
• 1:15:40
  porn addictions, compulsion, sexual compulsions.
• 1:15:44
  There's this group called Covenant Eyes, which we love on
• 1:15:46
  this show. We talk about them a lot, but
• 1:15:48
  it's this amazing technology that helps you have
• 1:15:50
  accountability, keeps porn off your phone, off of your devices,
• 1:15:54
  your laptops, and it helps you have an accountability partner
• 1:15:57
  so that you're able to really make progress in rejecting porn,
• 1:16:01
  rejecting that addiction. What are other resources?
• 1:16:04
  Are you familiar with Covenant Eyes, and are there other
• 1:16:05
  resources that you recommend, especially for people who are
• 1:16:07
  actively struggling against pornography?
• 1:16:09
  Yeah, we, my husband and I, we love.
• 1:16:12
  We love Covenant Eyes. We have walked through
• 1:16:16
  pornography addiction with people and that is one of the
• 1:16:19
  tools that we use because it sends this accountability report
• 1:16:22
  over. And so I know some people feel
• 1:16:26
  like, oh, but that feels almost like a little interrogation.
• 1:16:29
  But no, it is accountability. It is what's going to keep you
• 1:16:31
  safe because you may not open your mouth and say, I looked at
• 1:16:34
  porn for 15 hours yesterday, which is a real thing.
• 1:16:37
  People will go hours on hours, but if that report gets sent
• 1:16:41
  over to your accountability partner and you've chosen the
• 1:16:43
  right person who's going to meet you with love and compassion,
• 1:16:46
  they can give you a call and say, hey, what's going on?
• 1:16:49
  Were you struggling yesterday? How can I pray for you?
• 1:16:52
  Let's process this. And so I think that Covenant
• 1:16:55
  Eyes is a wonderful tool for people.
• 1:16:57
  And yeah, there's, there's so many people within the church
• 1:17:00
  that are struggling. Covenant Eyes released
• 1:17:02
  statistics that said that 70% of men in church watch porn, 30% of
• 1:17:08
  women in watch porn, and 50% of pastors and leaders watch
• 1:17:12
  pornography. And so it is an epidemic in the
• 1:17:14
  church. And yeah, my husband and I, we
• 1:17:17
  fully support Covenant Eyes. And then we also, we, we've
• 1:17:21
  created a course. You guys had Joshua Broome on
• 1:17:23
  here. He and my husband did a men's
• 1:17:26
  course. And then I did a course for
• 1:17:28
  women with a woman who had a porn addiction for like 18 years
• 1:17:33
  and Jesus set her free. So her and I did a course for
• 1:17:35
  women that's available on our website.
• 1:17:37
  And what's that website again? Lovealwaysministries.com.
• 1:17:39
  Amazing. What are your goals with your
• 1:17:42
  ministry? And tell us more about your
• 1:17:43
  ministry too. So my husband and I started Love
• 1:17:46
  Always Ministries and it started off as an online platform to
• 1:17:51
  create courses and books and teachings to help people that
• 1:17:55
  are struggling with pornography. We've done some online connect
• 1:17:58
  groups and things like that as well with it.
• 1:18:01
  We've gone on to write some books.
• 1:18:02
  We just re released our book A Call to Purity, which is really
• 1:18:06
  about redefining purity because so many people hear that word
• 1:18:09
  and they think that it means no sex before marriage or it's only
• 1:18:13
  for young people or only for singles.
• 1:18:15
  But we know that purity means to be uncontaminated and it's a
• 1:18:19
  reflection of your heart. And when your heart is pure,
• 1:18:21
  your actions will be pure. And so Jesus really focuses in
• 1:18:24
  on the heart. And so we just re released that
• 1:18:26
  book. Some of my goals, I was just on
• 1:18:28
  a conversation with an ex only fan model yesterday who's given
• 1:18:33
  her life to Jesus and I used to go several years ago.
• 1:18:37
  I'd go into porn conventions and minister the gospel.
• 1:18:41
  We would talk to thousands of consumers over a weekend.
• 1:18:45
  We talked to industry workers. So I'm working right now on just
• 1:18:49
  getting a team together. And then we're going to need to
• 1:18:52
  raise the funds to be able to show up at these conventions
• 1:18:55
  and, and bring Bibles and bring prayer and bring the presence of
• 1:19:00
  God into these conventions. So that's something that's
• 1:19:02
  really big on my heart. And then I'm also right now
• 1:19:04
  currently working on My Autobiography.
• 1:19:06
  Amazing, I can't wait to read that.
• 1:19:08
  Thank you. Thank you for being so open
• 1:19:10
  about your your life, your faith, truly.
• 1:19:13
  I know people listening are I hope that they'll send it to
• 1:19:17
  other people they know and love who need to hear your story.
• 1:19:20
  Because I think there's this lie that's being told that once you
• 1:19:23
  go down the path, whether you're looking at porn or making porn
• 1:19:27
  or any kind of sexual sin, that's you now you can't change.
• 1:19:32
  And so do you have any final thoughts on on talking to that
• 1:19:34
  person who might think, well, I can't change, I've gone too
• 1:19:38
  deep, I've gotten too dark. What would you say to them?
• 1:19:42
  I mean, if you just kind of even like, analyze what I've been
• 1:19:46
  through, I was on crystal meth and heroin.
• 1:19:49
  I was selling myself on Backpage.
• 1:19:52
  I have done the worst of the worst things.
• 1:19:54
  I love what Paul says. Like I was the worst Sinner of
• 1:19:56
  them all. You know, I feel like that.
• 1:19:57
  Like I feel like I've sinned so greatly.
• 1:20:01
  But God's grace met me right where I was and he loved me so
• 1:20:05
  much that he didn't leave me there.
• 1:20:07
  And and his love, he doesn't play favorites.
• 1:20:09
  That love isn't just for me. It is for anybody who would just
• 1:20:12
  call upon his name is for anybody who would just believe
• 1:20:15
  in him. No matter what you might be
• 1:20:17
  going through, Jesus is more than enough.
• 1:20:20
  He wants to heal you. He wants to restore you.
• 1:20:24
  He wants to redeem you. He wants to change everything
• 1:20:27
  about your life, all of those broken pieces and he wants to
• 1:20:30
  use it for his glory. Romans 828 says that he works
• 1:20:33
  all things together for good for those who love him and are
• 1:20:36
  called according to his purpose. So even those pieces that you
• 1:20:39
  may be ashamed of, even those things that you just feel
• 1:20:43
  disgusted by that you've done. God will work it all together
• 1:20:47
  and use it for his glory. So everything that you've been
• 1:20:50
  through your pain has purpose and I just believe that what
• 1:20:52
  you've been through is a setup for a wonderful breakthrough.
• 1:20:56
  If you would just give your life to Jesus.
• 1:20:58
  Amen. Thank you, Brittany.
• 1:20:59
  Thank you so much. Where can people find your
• 1:21:01
  ministry? Lovealwaysministries.com and
• 1:21:04
  then all of our links and everything are on there.
• 1:21:06
  Amazing. Thank you so much.
• 1:21:08
  Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for listening
• 1:21:10
  to this episode of the Lila Rose Show.
• 1:21:12
  Wow, I found it incredibly moving to listen to Brittany.
• 1:21:16
  And honestly, a lot of these conversations to me just feel
• 1:21:18
  like spiritual enrichment didn't just sit and talk to these kinds
• 1:21:21
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• 1:21:23
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• 1:21:36
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