Latest / The Pausecast / Ep. 87: The corporate women's cure for imposter syndrome

Transcript

Ep. 87: The corporate women's cure for imposter syndrome · The Pausecast

0:04
Hi, I'm Rachel O'Meara. I'm the host of the podcast.
0:08
I'm also the author of pause harnessing, the life-changing
0:12
power of giving yourself a break, as well as a private
0:16
coach for men and women who are struggling with, how to get out
0:21
of overwhelm and reclaim their lives.
0:23
The pause cast is dedicated to helping individuals learn the
0:29
tools and Be more self aware that we can all be more capable
0:32
of to live our best life, to reach our potential.
0:37
Whether this is your first time listening or you're a regular, I
0:40
invite you to download my free gift to you which is a blueprint
0:45
called the three keys to stay out of overwhelm and Thrive.
0:49
The blueprint is available at my website, www.hiwayfx.com get it
0:56
today so you can start to implement these tools that we
0:58
can all learn And that's what the paws cast is all about.
1:14
Do thanks for stopping by today. Today, I want to talk about a
1:17
topic that I don't typically mention and talk about because I
1:21
think it could be called probably 20 other things but one
1:24
of the names it goes by which I'm sure you've all heard is
1:27
imposter syndrome. Impostor syndrome, we've all
1:31
heard this term, what the heck is it?
1:33
And how do we get out of it? And I want to share how to get
1:37
rid of it, imposter syndrome once and for all First of all,
1:45
let's go into the root of this word.
1:47
In these two words, impostor syndrome to talk, more about how
1:50
this all came about anyway. So this actually became a term
1:55
coined back in the late 70s, from a paper written by two
1:59
psychologists Susan, IMS, and Pauline clamps both
2:04
psychologist, and they wrote a paper called The Imposter
2:07
phenomenon in high achieving women.
2:10
So, these two clinical psychologist put a name to these
2:13
feelings of incompetence. And everything that happens when
2:16
we downplay success. Years later, I'm talking current
2:21
times there's now so much more to learn from this.
2:26
In fact, there's a great book out there called The Secret
2:29
thoughts of successful women. Why capable people suffer from
2:33
The Imposter syndrome and how does thrive in spite of it?
2:36
That is from dr. Valerie young.
2:38
And I invite you to check it out sometime, but let's cover.
2:41
First of all, what is imposter syndrome?
2:43
Why it is and how it works. Bottom line is, you don't need
2:48
to be a woman to experience imposter syndrome.
2:50
It can literally happen to anybody, however, because
2:56
typically women might self-doubt themselves, it tends to relate
3:00
and most women can relate to this concept of thinking about
3:03
things that they could do. But still don't feel like
3:05
they're good enough or wanting to do something any different.
3:10
Imposter syndrome typically feels like we're frauds, even
3:15
though we might be literally Geniuses or owning the work and
3:20
doing it so well getting accolades, praise the outside
3:23
world identifies us as the experts and yet, for whatever
3:26
reason, our minds are like, dude, what are you doing?
3:30
You don't know anything about this topic or you're a fraud,
3:32
your friend, you shouldn't even be at Google.
3:34
That would be my voice at Google for example, potentially.
3:38
So we all Imposter syndrome and that was part of the premise of
3:44
what this work was. In fact, there's ways to think
3:48
about this that all of us have it to some extent, right?
3:51
We have this armor to protect ourselves on at anytime for the
3:55
most case, according to dr. Gale who was I don't know who
4:05
dr. Gil is, according to one going
4:08
to one resource, 70% of people experience, imposter syndrome
4:12
and A lot of that is not necessarily serving you as you
4:18
could imagine, right? So how do we change this?
4:21
How do we show up differently? Well, a good example, I have is,
4:26
I had a client who literally told me that she never thought
4:31
of herself as anything more than an individual contributor while
4:34
she was at her job working there for five plus years at a large
4:39
bank. One day, a VP who was walking
4:43
out the door. I happen to mention, you know, I
4:47
think you're smart enough to be a vice president.
4:49
Here to me this story really sums up, imposter syndrome, my
4:53
client. Sarah really, literally, was a
4:55
little bit flabbergasted. She didn't not only expect that,
4:59
but this set off a chain reaction in her thinking, she
5:03
was an expert in her hand, her job.
5:05
She knew she was great. At what she did at the company
5:08
and the thought of, taking over new responsibilities, really
5:11
didn't occur to her because it's Scared her, right?
5:15
So this was what we're talking about imposter syndrome
5:17
thinking, even though you're doing really great work, it's
5:20
not meant for you to Excel or that you're really not doing
5:25
that great of a job as you think you are or as other people are
5:27
saying. So for example, some of those
5:30
thoughts you could be thinking are what?
5:31
If you don't know that much? What if I don't know anything?
5:34
What if I fail? What if that person was wrong?
5:37
Maybe they don't know what they're talking about, right?
5:40
So, the more what ifs that we have?
5:42
The harder it becomes to really convince ourselves.
5:44
Elves at anything might be different that is when imposter
5:47
syndrome strikes hard, right? So what do we do differently?
5:52
Well, the idea is that we have to think and act differently.
5:58
We have to change our mindsets and behaviors and that's where
6:01
it gets challenging because we're used to thinking in these
6:04
ways and they're stuck in patterns of usually Decades of
6:08
how we think about ourselves. And there's a in this, in this
6:13
book, from doctor. In this book from dr.
6:18
Valerie young, this, the secret thoughts of successful women.
6:22
She talks about these five confidence types, and all of us
6:26
fit into one of them. Right?
6:29
So I want to go through these. And again, this is work from dr.
6:31
Valerie young. Her book is called the secret
6:35
thoughts of successful women. Why capable people suffer from
6:39
The Imposter syndrome and how to thrive, in spite of it, maybe
6:41
we'll have dr. Valerie on that.
6:43
The pause cast. If I can find her, let me know.
6:47
If you have a connection and well, we'll get her on here to
6:49
talk about this herself. But essentially, these are the
6:52
five archetypes, okay, the first one, and as I say these, I want
6:57
you to think about them. Does this relate to you?
6:59
Are you this archetype? Because it doesn't mean you stay
7:02
as an imposter but it now that you know and identify as one of
7:05
them you can start to shift your behavior because you'll know the
7:07
culprit of how you're thinking works.
7:10
So the first one is the perfectionist can probably
7:13
imagine that one. The second one is the Superwoman
7:15
or the Superman. Person, the third one is the
7:19
natural genius. The fourth one is The Soloist
7:23
and the fifth one is the expert. The perfectionist.
7:27
First, let's talk about that, right?
7:29
So if we're wanting to always dot the I's and cross the t's
7:33
perfectly, maybe we're really trying to control everything,
7:37
maybe we don't like to delegate because we want to do everything
7:40
ourselves because we could do it better than anybody, right?
7:43
You feel like it to be 100% perfect 100% of the time.
7:47
I'm curious. If any of you can relate to the
7:49
perfectionist, I'm sure there's a few of us out there.
7:52
I know I have some of those Tendencies, and the key is to
7:55
know that we all can be perfectly imperfect.
7:59
It means taking mistakes in stride and letting them be a
8:03
natural part of the process. The truth is, will never be
8:06
perfect 100% of the time. That is an unrealistic
8:09
expectation. And we can accept this, we can
8:13
know that, you know what, I'm a human being and I'm perfectly
8:17
imperfect, Perfectly Imperfect. The second one, the Superwoman
8:21
the Superman, right? This is the one you think you
8:25
can do it all. Okay.
8:25
This is the one I identify with, to the most, by the way.
8:29
So this is that phenomenon. When we push ourselves, we push
8:33
yourself to work the hardest and do the most work and stay up
8:37
late and burn that Midnight Oil and the candle at both ends,
8:39
because we can do it, we know, we can do it and we've done it
8:43
in the past and we can do it again.
8:45
And we want to be the last one to leave the office and the
8:48
first ones in because we know, we're got it all going and going
8:52
down. If you've if you feel like
8:54
you're a workaholic and this is your pattern, maybe you use work
8:59
to avoid other things in your life, right?
9:02
Then this could be you. I know this was like I said for
9:05
me and I burned out. I burned out of Google.
9:07
For those of you don't who don't know my story.
9:10
I thought it was, if I worked harder, I showed up longer
9:14
hours, I worked on the Sun. Days, I could do all these
9:16
things then I would be seen as the Superhuman.
9:20
The person who could do it all my, would they ever?
9:22
Why would anything go wrong? If I is long, if I just worked
9:25
hard, well totally didn't work out.
9:28
That way, long story short, I burned out, I took a three month
9:32
on page break and I realized it wasn't about working harder at
9:35
all. It was actually being more about
9:36
present and knowing hey, I'm a human.
9:39
And I have a different way that I could be other than working
9:42
all the time. And I started to explore other
9:44
parts of my life. And I had been avoiding my
9:46
feelings like emotions like relationships, right?
9:50
So as you become more in tune to your own, internal validation,
9:54
we don't need work. We don't need success, has to be
9:57
a person in the in the in the world that matters you matter.
10:01
No matter what, you're okay, no matter what.
10:04
And that's what I work with my clients on because work is only
10:07
so deep and it only lasts for so long.
10:10
And one day it might not serve you in this way, especially if
10:13
your adrenals are depleted. Or your of having chronic stress
10:16
or your body is aching and just breaking in different parts as a
10:20
result of pushing so hard, right?
10:24
So we have to nurture our own inner confidence and learn how
10:28
to create the internal locus of control, which is our own self
10:32
validation, and our own self validated intimacy as dr.
10:38
Schnurr to tell us in his book, passionate marriage, and then we
10:43
can ease our pedal off. Gasps or we can ease our yeah we
10:47
can use our foot off the gas. A little bit to know that we can
10:50
handle other workloads. That aren't just a hole push
10:52
push. Pull ahead more more push than
10:55
anything I guess. Okay so we covered the
10:58
perfectionist. We covered the Superwoman.
10:59
So third archetype of impostor syndrome is the natural genius
11:04
so what the heck is that mean, right?
11:05
So this is the folks who may be judge their competence based on
11:09
ease and speed as opposed to their efforts.
11:12
They get stuff done but maybe if they Take a long time to master
11:16
it, they don't feel good. There might be shame or guilt
11:19
and they have their bar set. So so high because they are
11:24
really good at what they do. But just like perfectionist,
11:28
like, that doesn't always serve us, right?
11:30
We it's just a unreasonable bar that we hold for ourselves.
11:33
So we do a lot of self judgement.
11:35
We think of ourselves. If we're not good enough for not
11:38
fast enough, we've ridiculous expectations.
11:41
It's just not going to serve us and me if we don't get it right
11:44
the first time. Drive or beating ourselves up.
11:47
And if we're not doing something quickly fast enough, we sound
11:51
the alarms were like, I'm out of here.
11:53
This isn't working. I quit.
11:54
Maybe, right. So if this is you, maybe you're
11:58
always going for those Straight. A's you go in for the best time
12:01
around the track. Maybe you're an athlete, you
12:04
know, maybe you're doing everything in what it takes so
12:06
that you keep holding on, you get you.
12:08
Keep the wheels on. So how do we move past this one?
12:13
So if this is you if you're the natural genius, know that it
12:16
takes a lifetime for skills and for learning things and it's not
12:21
always about getting things done the fastest.
12:23
And best way, even the most confident people take support
12:27
and know that there are mistakes and we can be messy.
12:32
So rather than beating yourself up then just don't necessarily
12:37
run into trouble that way but otherwise sighs.
12:41
You don't have to have high impossible standards for
12:43
yourself because those are just going to run you dry, right?
12:45
The pleat us again instead we want to know that we can be much
12:50
more productive and successful knowing that we can take our
12:57
time and we can set expectations and boundaries that might serve
13:00
us. However, it's just not a
13:03
reasonable choice. I think of, you know, I think of
13:07
just families and children who are Affected to like, do crazy
13:11
stuff these days, right? Whether it's a music recital or
13:14
ballet or like you know, any of these things that can be held
13:18
with such high expectations and the reality is, those are really
13:21
good but that shouldn't be why we're rewarded.
13:24
It should be about who we are as people.
13:27
So if we grew up with that high expectation from our parents or
13:32
you know, set of bar for ourselves, we learned it from
13:34
somebody and chances are it's still there.
13:37
Unless we've done something actively to change it.
13:40
So know you're working progress. That's my bottom line, know your
13:43
work in progress and you can take your time doing things just
13:47
like everybody else. Number four, the fourth
13:50
archetype is The Soloist. You can probably guess what?
13:53
This one is, right? Knowing you got this, you don't
13:56
need any help, you're good, right?
13:59
It's Independence. It's knowing that you can do
14:02
whatever you need to do. And that that is proven your
14:05
Worth, right? So maybe you feel like you got
14:07
to do things by yourself, you don't need anybody help.
14:10
And it's anyone asks you like, no thanks, I got it, I'm good.
14:14
Maybe if someone wants to step in you, just quietly, tell them,
14:19
it's fine. Meanwhile, you might feel like
14:21
you have a bazillion things to have to finish.
14:24
Remember, there's no shame in asking for help when you need
14:27
it. And that's what really the
14:28
antidote is for. The Soloist is to know that you
14:32
don't have to go It Alone. You don't have to be a solo act
14:38
and knowing that we, it can actually be more more fun and
14:42
sustainable when we have a co-worker or a colleague joining
14:47
us in something, but if we're just simply working on our own,
14:51
it can be tough and unsustainable, because we're
14:56
creatures of literally social networks.
14:59
We are born as humans who live and work in families and tribes.
15:05
The communities and culture, and all of that is natural.
15:09
It kind of comes to us. We're not lone Wolf's out there.
15:12
And if you are a lone wolf, would you like some company?
15:16
Come on back and see what could be done?
15:20
You know, that's what career coaching is all about.
15:22
That's what learning how to get support is for because it is a
15:27
choice to belong. It's a choice to get support and
15:32
it just can mean so much more can happen.
15:35
Happen for you as opposed to running yourself into the
15:37
ground, thinking you're alone and on your own.
15:40
Because that is a mistaken belief that can run your life
15:42
and literally ruin it. Whether it's relationships, your
15:47
work and feeling like an imposter, the fifth and final
15:52
archetype is the expert. So this is the expert, the
15:57
person who needs to know everything and that, it's an
16:01
impossible cup to fill that you will never know, enough is the
16:05
expectation there. So there is a innate fear in
16:09
your belly all the time. Knowing, oh my gosh, if they
16:13
only knew that I know nothing being exposed like feeling like
16:18
they're going to lift that cover up any day and know I am
16:22
completely blank when it To this topic.
16:26
And I'm actually just like, making it up as I go, right?
16:29
So maybe there's a ideal job. You see, and you decide I'm not
16:33
going to apply for it. I don't, I don't know enough.
16:36
Women are constantly under cutting themselves in this way.
16:38
I think, right? Maybe there's more trainings to
16:41
do more certifications. Oh my goodness let's get another
16:44
Masters. That's I'm saying that because I
16:47
have two masters and I'm I did that right.
16:49
So so we don't need a certification to be worthy.
16:54
Although Maybe you want one for a job but it is not to need
16:58
another thing and to know that's an expert thing, right?
17:01
So whatever is going on in your, in your life know that it's okay
17:06
to loosen up the reins a little bit, and that there's always
17:10
more to learn. You're never going to know
17:11
everything. And as my dad used to tell me,
17:14
there's always someone smarter than you.
17:16
That is something that I grew up with and it really resonated
17:20
because I think I didn't need to be the smartest person.
17:25
And that was okay, but if no one had told me that, I probably
17:28
would have thought I had to be the smartest person, right?
17:31
So, just practice, just in time learning.
17:33
What do you need to know right now?
17:35
Right, what do I need today? What's the next little thing
17:37
that I need now to get this done and Trust in that process?
17:42
Right trust. And what's happening?
17:45
So what can you do differently? So here's a few suggestions.
17:49
First of all, take stock of what your archetype is because we're
17:52
all going to identify with minimum of one of those most
17:54
likely. Remember, everyone has imposter
17:55
syndrome to some extent. Sometimes it's not a big deal
17:58
and you don't worry about it another time.
17:59
We've totally accomplished it because we've done the work and
18:02
we've allowed ourselves to move out of that space to get the
18:05
support. We need to know that we're all
18:10
good. We don't need to feel like
18:13
imposters. Life is Hard enough as it is,
18:15
right. So know what your archetype is
18:18
and just know that. Okay, cool.
18:19
Like I got this part of myself who thinks I need to be a
18:22
superhuman great now that I know that I can change it.
18:27
Now I can know where I want to go from here.
18:29
So I'm actually just a human who has some super human Tendencies
18:33
and I want to be known for being a human and knowing all is well,
18:39
and I got this, right? So one way to do this, is to
18:43
focus on The positive and I work a lot with this to change our
18:47
framework of our of our mindset. But when we allow these negative
18:50
thoughts or imposter syndrome, thoughts to kind of creep in,
18:53
they just don't serve us anymore.
18:54
So we got to catch it and we focus on the positive.
18:57
So one great way to do this is to make a list of your
18:59
accomplishments. Make them visible for yourself.
19:03
I have my clients create a vision and write it down on a
19:06
sticky, note or Post-it near them, but it can just be simply
19:10
like I ran, I ran a mile today. I walked outside, I got, you
19:13
know, whatever. It is, I ate a healthy meal.
19:16
When we write these down it gives ourselves validation and
19:20
we feel good reminds us that. Hey, I'm matter and I have good
19:24
things going on, and this is good stuff, right?
19:29
And be proud of these things. Allow yourself to Foster.
19:35
A an affection and a kindness towards yourself, right?
19:40
It's so important to do. So as women, we forget that we
19:43
can brag. We can have humble brags.
19:45
We can validate ourselves where we just share something that's
19:48
an accomplishment or win for the day.
19:51
And sometimes we think these are like huge lofty things and that
19:53
is not it at all. To me a win is something that
19:58
you like of your day. Like, that's it something that
20:01
you want to share in that you celebrate for yourself, whether
20:04
it's bigger. Small.
20:05
It might be that you had a glass of water because you were
20:09
thirsty. I mean, it's that simple.
20:11
Don't overthink this. These are things that step by
20:14
step. When we hear them, you're going
20:16
to start to think differently. And if you notice yourself in
20:19
the Judgment phase, right? Remember you might be an
20:22
imposter syndrome already going like.
20:23
Oh, that doesn't count. That's so lame.
20:26
What am I doing counting a glass of water?
20:28
That's nothing. That's that's like anyone could
20:29
have that. So right then and there you
20:31
catch yourself in the Imposter syndrome Loop.
20:34
If you are This pattern man, you should just like, let me know
20:37
ASAP we'll have a talk. Now, I can help you with this
20:40
and the idea is to know that you can matter because you doesn't
20:46
matter how big or small the accomplishment is and that's the
20:48
whole point of getting out of imposter syndrome.
20:52
Okay, so those are some thoughts that I have.
20:54
I'm so excited to share this with you because I hear this
20:57
term, a lot of my clients have what they call imposter syndrome
21:01
but the reality is We all have impostor syndrome like I said,
21:05
and it's just a simple matter of doing some things, a little bit
21:09
differently to build up that base where you do feel safe to
21:13
know that you matter enough that you're empowering beliefs are
21:16
driving the ship. And it's not these old outdated
21:19
programs that are been running your unconscious or subconscious
21:24
programming for the last 30 years.
21:27
We don't need that. It's time to change because the
21:29
world needs you in the world, needs you to show up in a way.
21:33
Where you feel good and that you can Shine Your Light because we
21:36
need your light. There are others who need your
21:39
like, whether it's your significant other, or your pet,
21:43
or your neighbor, or your partner, or your kid, or your
21:48
sister, or just you, you need your light, right?
21:52
We are all in it together in our own way.
21:56
So thank you so much and if this resonates with you you want to
21:59
learn more about this. I am so I'm so here for you and
22:04
just know I got your front, your back, and your sides, and you
22:08
can let me know, just message me, or you can easily book a
22:13
call with me, and go to my website, Rachel, O'Meara.com,
22:17
and schedule a call. Just click on the contact me
22:19
button or you can schedule a call under the coaching link.
22:24
It's right there and complementary because I just
22:30
don't think it's okay for women to feel.
22:31
I like this anymore. Let's let's change the game.
22:33
Okay, thank you so much for listening and I am excited for
22:36
you to pick up the book from dr. Young, she also has a tedx talk
22:42
about how to not think like an imposter.
22:45
But yes, she's got this great book.
22:48
I'm so glad we were talking about it today and learn and to
22:53
be with your chakra, typed and know that you don't have to stay
22:57
there, The type can shift and we can intentionally shift their
23:02
behavior and service to becoming who you were meant to become and
23:07
Shining your light life is too short to do anything else.
23:11
Thanks so much and we'll talk to you soon.
23:22
Thanks for listening today, to the pause cast.
23:25
If you haven't already, please subscribe, so that you don't
23:28
miss a show. And if you haven't already,
23:32
please rate US, leave your review.
23:34
We would love to hear from you and help us get the word out if
23:37
you know of anyone who you think might benefit from the tools or
23:41
discussions that you found helpful then invite them to join
23:45
us. Share the pause cast with those.
23:47
Those who you think might find this useful to become more
23:50
self-aware. Remember sharing is caring.
23:54
I'll see you next time on the paws cast.
23:47
Those who you think might find this useful to become more
23:50
self-aware. Remember sharing is caring.
23:54
I'll see you next time on the paws cast.