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E316: Parenting Expert: This Is What The Top 1% of Parents Do | E316 Lila Rose Show · The Lila Rose Show

• 0:00
  Masculine exists to facilitate the feminine.
• 0:02
  When you look at the top 1% of mother child relationships, what
• 0:06
  is it that make them so strong? Three things, one about. 80% of
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  single parent homes are run by mothers.
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  Would you say mother or father is more important for children?
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  It's not just mom being home, but fixes everything magically.
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  It's mom feeling. One out of every six children
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  under the age of 6 are in daycare regularly.
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  What is the impact of spending that much time in daycare to?
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  Be controversial, but actually the research from the Canadian
• 0:29
  government shows it is. What does the idea look like for
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  the child and mom to maximally connect?
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  Nuclear family is a lie. Nuclear family can only exist in
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  a framework. Of What is 1 activity that
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  mothers can do with their children on a daily basis to
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  build secure attachment? You've helped thousands of
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  parents improve their relationship with their children
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  through your amazing work. When you look at the top 1% of
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  mother child relationships where they had the strongest, most
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  connected, most connected, most healthy relationship, what is it
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  about the one top 1% of mother child relationships that make
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  them so strong? Three things.
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  One is she has that woman has looked at her own relationship
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  with her own mother first. Most women are coming from their
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  relationships with their mom. And the messaging was, I hate
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  motherhood. It's hell, it's awful, it's
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  terrible. Or yeah, it's cool and I liked
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  it, but it was horrible to do it because men will betray you and
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  hurt you and you're going to do this alone anyway.
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  So it's awful. It's terrifying.
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  Right. So that's that messaging or her
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  mother was damaging, hurtful, all kinds of other things.
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  So fixing the relationship with your mother first, even if you
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  can't ever speak to her again, at least learning to forgive her
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  in your heart is very crucial. We can talk about that if you
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  want to. That's number one.
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  So that's, we call that attachment efficiency.
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  Fix the issue at its source instead of downstream.
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  Takes a lot less energy. Otherwise #2 the second piece is
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  an amazing relationship with the father of those children,
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  hopefully a husband, right, but an amazing relationship where
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  she is nurtured from him, she is safe with him and he is allowing
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  her to do her job. I have told people this time and
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  time again, the masculine exists to facilitate the feminine and
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  in the in the male female dynamic for having children in
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  the family servant leader mentality, the man is there to
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  facilitate the woman doing her job.
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  His job exists so that she can do her job.
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  That is the order of hierarchy. OK, so she is in, in many
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  places, more important in the family structure than he is, not
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  fully, but, but in many cases for the transmission of love and
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  care for the children. He exists so that she can do her
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  job correctly and then #3 is being able to actually take care
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  of herself as a human being, giving herself the permission to
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  be a human. Many women have erased their own
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  personhood. They have become invisible in
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  their relationship structures. They think motherhood is
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  martyrdom or they are used to just not having a presence and
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  not taking care of themselves. Motherhood is 24/7.
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  It never ends, doesn't end until you take your last breath.
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  You'll still be hugging your children and when they're 70 and
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  you're 90, it continues forever. But being able to actually be a
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  person, those are the three structures that I really see and
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  and all three of those get impacted by attachment issues.
• 3:11
  All right, so I want to get deep into motherhood and what it is,
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  how to become the mother that is very beautifully connected and
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  in command is one word, but ultimately the word is in
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  harmony with their child and can help their child flourish.
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  How is a mother's role different from a father's role?
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  Isn't that crazy that we live in a civilization where you even
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  have to ask that question? I think a lot of people, they'll
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  think, yeah, maybe you carry the baby, you breastfeed the baby,
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  but it starts to get a little. I know.
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  And that's the piece is we as a culture have downgraded
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  motherhood to those two biological functions.
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  You, you carry and give birth and then breastfeed and that's
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  it. That's motherhood.
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  I will say this, there's two different bonding hormones and
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  each parent is primarily focused on each hormone.
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  And then we'll talk about what that looks like, right?
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  Mothers. Mothers are your first contact
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  with a new species. Mother is the very first other
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  that you meet. She is your template for human
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  relationships. She's your template for how to
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  interact with humans. And she teaches you how humans
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  will interact with you. There's a bonding hormone called
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  oxytocin. It releases when we feel safe
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  and loved and cared for. It's what allows the contraction
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  of the uterus to even give birth.
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  It's what allows the let down of milk, even if her supply is
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  great. The the oxytocin is required for
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  it to come out and feed the child.
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  It comes out when she feels safe and at rest and then it comes
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  out when she's touched, loved, cared, all of those things.
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  It's what compels a mother to kiss her baby on the forehead
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  and talk to her baby and play with them.
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  Without oxytocin, actually, mothers are very cold, distant
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  and aloof and mechanical, and they have to try to remember to
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  do the things that make them a mom.
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  They have to try. So we'll talk about that.
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  But mothers initiate. You talk about that meaning
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  there's women who struggle have like a biochemical disorder
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  where they don't have enough oxytocin.
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  If you are not feeling loved and safe in your life, the cortisol
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  goes onto your receptor sites for oxytocin and blocks them so
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  that you can't even receive oxytocin even if it is flowing.
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  So your oxytocin can be diminished.
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  And if you have avoid an attachment style because you
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  grew up in raw, brutal survival conditions, then you as a woman
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  have shifted away from oxytocin. Your receptors won't even
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  receive it anymore. They'll shift to vasopressin
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  instead. And then when you try to give
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  birth, it will feel abrasive and you'll have a hard time and
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  probably have to have pitocin pumped in or an epidural to try
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  to get it out of AC section because you'll have a hard time
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  even giving birth. And then when you try to
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  breastfeed, you won't be able to give milk.
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  So then they'll say you have a milk supply issue when you
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  don't. And then you'll say I feel like
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  a failure as a mom. And then you'll feed your child
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  with formula instead. So then the baby will grow up
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  without oxytocin bonding from breastfeeding.
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  And you won't like the feeling breastfeeding either.
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  And then you'll grow up more mechanical and raising your
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  child, doing mechanical things, trying to care for your baby.
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  And oxytocin is incredibly important for this.
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  We also have a rise of avoiding attachment in mothers, which we
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  can talk about if we need to. Well, definitely.
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  And we need to talk about that. That's very important to avoid.
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  I mean, the, the childhood wounds and just also other maybe
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  biochemical challenges she might have from, I don't know,
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  environment and the different attachment disorders that can
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  come from that and affect the mother.
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  But I took you a little bit on a rabbit trail because you were
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  explaining the difference between a man and a woman in
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  mothering versus fathering. Simply way simplest way to put
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  it is this. Mothers are your absolute
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  complete source of oxytocin for life, love, hugs, comfort, care,
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  affection, human safety, bonding, intimacy, closeness.
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  Your mother is your template for that and gives it to you.
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  Think of a mom, her ecosystem, biochemically, inside of
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  herself. Is she, if she is calm and
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  settled with a calm nervous system, her heartbeat, her
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  touch, her warmth, her voice, everything releases safety for
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  that child. Even when he's 50 years old and
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  she's 75, she still is that calming Co regulating source.
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  So when he comes back to her, her nervous system, he immerses
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  in her nervous system and she calms him and soothes him.
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  Or she doesn't. She can be dysregulating if
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  she's anxious and stressed out all the time.
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  Those are two different features that moms can do.
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  But she is that endless source of of warmth and nurturing and
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  safety forever for lifelong for that child that is her.
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  Her absolute role. Can dads do that as well?
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  We can. You can give some.
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  You can. Dads have a harder time because
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  it's not as instinctual and it's not as ingrown.
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  Our systems are not as optimized for the oxytocin.
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  We can do some, we can. It's not 0.
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  It's not as full and specialized as the mother's nervous system
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  is. We don't breastfeed, we don't
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  give birth. We don't have that experience.
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  When a woman gives birth, she is overwhelmed by so much oxytocin
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  it makes her intoxicated. And she looks at this little
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  wrinkled lizard monkey and says, isn't this the most beautiful
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  thing on the planet? She is hyper attuned to that
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  child. For the rest of that child into
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  like forever existence, she will always be hyper fixated on that
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  child and it's her job. Mothers actually, and the
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  research on this is clear, they sleep worse for the rest of
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  their life. Even when the child is 45 she
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  will sleep let not as good because he could need her in the
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  middle of the night. Her system just forever is tuned
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  to be hypersensitive to those children and her grandchildren.
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  It is a constant biochemical nurturing of always looking for
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  the out for the well-being of those people she cares for.
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  This is an absolute crucial experience of the feminine.
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  It it is. It is not something we can
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  separate from being a woman, and especially not the hyper focused
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  specialization of motherhood. So is this the primary
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  difference, would you say, is this, I mean, this is where that
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  word nurture springs up or that idea of the tender, you know,
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  mother who's always just loving on her child.
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  And the the feminine is more this nurturing force and the
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  masculine is more maybe the force of order and discipline.
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  Is that where is it? Does it?
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  Is it rooted in oxytocin, would you say, or and are there any
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  other factors involved? There are other factors how the
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  mother exhibits it, the level of sternness and power and control
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  she has. These are all different
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  features, teachers. Absolutely.
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  An Italian mother is going to look different from South
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  American. Maybe, I don't know, a mother
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  from Chile, right? There's some.
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  Similarities I feel with a Latin American mother, Italian mother.
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  Are for sure, but but motherhood will look different from
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  cultural expression based on what that society has learned is
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  most important for survival, Thriving, status, honor, all of
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  those pieces. Yes, it will look different, but
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  a mother who is truly safe and loved and cared for in her
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  ecosystem is going to look very similar across those lines for
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  what she delivers to her children lifelong.
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  Are there any other key distinctions between a mother
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  and a father in your view that we should address right now?
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  Fathers are largely there for vasopressin bonding, to
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  initialize that in both children, daughters and sons.
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  Your father is there to initiate you into problem solving, not
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  rescuing from. SO.
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  Mothers can do this too, but fathers are uniquely specialized
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  to really make it happen. A father is going to initialize
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  a lot more independence in a child on purpose and teach that
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  child differentiation but also problem solving.
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  When you see fatherless homes, fatherless children don't really
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  know how to problem solve with other humans.
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  They try to do everything utterly alone.
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  The father's job is to learn to just to train them during stress
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  to problem solve with people. Mom can rescue and some moms who
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  are forced to can teach that, but it's it's very destructive
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  from other system to try to both be the nurturer and the
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  differentiator who pushes the child away into that
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  independence. It's very hard for mom to walk
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  both lines. It's very destructive for her
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  and often for the children. Would you say say mother or
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  father is more important for children?
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  It's. A little bit like asking what's
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  more important for nutrition, right?
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  Protein or fruits and veggies? You'll die without either one.
• 10:53
  But I would say it depends on the environment.
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  The environment is going to determine a lot of that.
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  We know that fatherless homes lead to overwhelming problems
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  with mental health with with legal issues, going to prison,
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  drug addictions, absolute destruction of that child.
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  Further down the the ranks, we know that children raised with
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  fathers without mothers actually interestingly fare better in a
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  number of distinguishing factors, even mental health.
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  This is not to say moms are less important because then tracking
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  those children later in life, their ability to form
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  functioning relationships. I actually work with a number of
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  clients who didn't have mothers growing up and they don't really
• 11:31
  know how to build intimacy later.
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  They don't really know how to receive actual love and care or
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  even give it. They're very mechanical in those
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  relationships as fathers often could be more mechanical as
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  well, especially if they don't have a wife nurturing their
• 11:44
  spirit in that way. So it's a mechanical
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  functioning, it just looks better on paper quite often.
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  Right now about 80% of single parent homes are run by mothers,
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  their mother children that don't have fathers, but they're they
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  have mothers. You just mentioned the social
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  data which shows that fatherless homes really the kids struggle.
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  Why is that? Fathers are there to teach you
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  how to connect to other human beings and at the same time
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  solve problems yourself. Both fathers teach you that it's
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  not it's not one or the other. A good father, I should say, a
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  proper father teaches you that solve.
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  You have power to solve things yourself, but you also have the
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  ability to connect to other humans to solve together.
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  They teach you that through vasopressin bonding, which is
• 12:32
  very important, you solve problems with your father and he
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  trains you. He teaches you that self
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  efficiency. Many, many, many people today
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  feel utterly powerless and helpless in how they grow up,
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  but they also feel like they can never ask anyone for help or get
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  help. So I can never solve my own
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  problems and no one else will ever help me solve them either.
• 12:49
  We start collapsing into fear, into despair, into I can never
• 12:53
  have children because it's too unsafe to have children, right?
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  We see that it's, it's there is no hope.
• 13:00
  So I should escape back into escapism, into drugs, into all
• 13:04
  kinds of other problems. Fatherlessness breeds
• 13:07
  hopelessness. And we're going to get into
• 13:10
  solutions here because I'm sure people listening maybe in the in
• 13:13
  the boat of, you know, having a good friend in a fatherless or
• 13:17
  motherless home or they themselves have children and
• 13:19
  they're have, you know, they're missing the spouse or the mother
• 13:21
  or the father for whatever reason.
• 13:22
  So we're going to get into the hope here because there is
• 13:25
  repair. There's so much hope.
• 13:27
  One out of every six children under the age of 6 are in
• 13:31
  daycare regularly. What is the impact of spending
• 13:35
  that much time in daycare versus with their mothers, her
• 13:37
  children? Yeah.
• 13:38
  So the longest running study we have on this is run by the was
• 13:40
  run by the Canadian government for decades, tracking the
• 13:43
  outcomes of daycare. And then initially I believe
• 13:46
  they thought it was going to show good data.
• 13:47
  They were going to do women empowerment.
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  Totally cool to throw your kids in daycare.
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  It's amazing. Don't worry about it.
• 13:53
  Actually, the research from the Canadian government, one of
• 13:56
  those Liberal governments on the planet, shows the opposite
• 13:59
  actually. Daycare is destructive for
• 14:00
  children. It's actually harmful for
• 14:02
  children. It is one of the least
• 14:04
  beneficial systems we have for child raising.
• 14:07
  It is almost, almost better to be just adopted out somewhere
• 14:12
  and raised by somebody else instead of being raised in a
• 14:14
  daycare structure. Is this true for like 40 hours a
• 14:18
  week a daycare? Like what was the Canadian
• 14:20
  study? How many hours per week was it
• 14:21
  talking? It kind of ranged all over the
• 14:23
  place. So certainly the more daycare
• 14:24
  you have, the more harmful and destructive.
• 14:26
  There's also varying factors in there that we could pull out of
• 14:28
  quality of daycare, number of children in the daycare.
• 14:32
  We also need data more on children who are raised instead
• 14:35
  of in daycare with strangers raised by grandma, for example,
• 14:39
  right? They're they're handed to
• 14:40
  grandma for hours and hours a day, which is very different.
• 14:42
  That's actually different structure.
• 14:44
  It's actually much safer from what the the limited data does
• 14:46
  show us. Being with a family member is
• 14:48
  actually different from being in daycare.
• 14:51
  They wanted to track specifically daycare
• 14:52
  professional workers paid to watch the children.
• 14:55
  With like a class size of what 12?
• 14:56
  Or did they have like? Varied.
• 14:58
  It varied. There was a lot of variable data
• 15:00
  in that, so it's not a. Perfect, 'cause I think that I
• 15:01
  think for moms, for most moms who are doing some kind of work
• 15:05
  outside of the home, which is the majority, the vast majority
• 15:08
  of moms, both faith-based moms and non faith-based moms, there
• 15:12
  is some level of childcare, absolutely.
• 15:14
  And so I want to tease out next the different kinds of childcare
• 15:17
  and its impact on children. Yes, keeping in mind that
• 15:20
  there's a lot of mitigating factors here.
• 15:22
  And I have to always say this is not a judgment on moms.
• 15:24
  Just talking about the data feels like a judgment itself.
• 15:28
  We know, for example, that one of the biggest factors that we
• 15:30
  look at, and this is anecdotal, but it's also research based,
• 15:34
  the more exhausted a mom is when she has very little to give her
• 15:38
  kids. If you put your kids in daycare
• 15:40
  6 hours a day, but you are so exhausted, anxious, and rundown
• 15:45
  that you're barely with them and you're on your phone most of the
• 15:47
  time, they're plugged into TV and they're doing escapist
• 15:50
  entertainment themselves, dopamine binging, and you're
• 15:52
  barely able to connect to your kids, they're going to do much
• 15:55
  worse than a mom whose kids are in daycare 8 hours a day, but
• 16:00
  she is fully in, fully present, locked in.
• 16:03
  She has care for herself. She is playing with her kids,
• 16:06
  talking with them, guiding them, nurturing them, giving them
• 16:08
  oxytocin, bonding, all of those things.
• 16:11
  So your presence as a mother is one of the biggest impacts you
• 16:14
  can have, daycare or otherwise. Now, if you are a a perfectly,
• 16:20
  absolutely emotionally present mom, daycare is still a factor.
• 16:24
  But this is not about beating up on moms who can't give their
• 16:27
  kids a perfect childhood. This is about how can we
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  negative and just follow up questions.
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  But I try to like get it down to a science with her in terms of
• 18:37
  how many hours per day it is essential for like the best
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  outcomes for Mama to be physically with child.
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  Now you're adding another part and she did references, which is
• 18:47
  the the idea of physical presence, but also you need to
• 18:50
  be, you know, attentive and present.
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  But then there's a reality that mom is more than caretaker for
• 18:57
  baby. Mom is manager of home.
• 18:58
  Mom is getting helping get sustenance.
• 19:01
  You know, every mother in all of human history wasn't only just
• 19:05
  holding baby all day long or playing with baby.
• 19:07
  In fact, most of human history, she wouldn't be playing with
• 19:09
  child that much. She would be actually working
• 19:11
  around the household to care for child and maybe child would be
• 19:14
  helping out and following her around.
• 19:16
  There have always been household support systems, whether it's
• 19:19
  extended family, the neighbors, or even people that were part of
• 19:23
  the household economy like servants or other staff.
• 19:26
  So the question is, what does the idea look like?
• 19:28
  What does the idea look like for the child and mom to maximally
• 19:33
  connect in terms of the other people caring and helping care
• 19:38
  for child and the activities of the mother?
• 19:40
  Like if I could design a perfect.
• 19:41
  System. What would it look?
• 19:43
  Like keeping in mind that even household servants would have
• 19:45
  been more more permanent. Part of the problem with daycare
• 19:48
  is is changing providers constantly.
• 19:50
  So your child connects to someone and then a new person, a
• 19:53
  new person, a new person, a new person, a new person, a new
• 19:55
  person, and then you have 20 people they've connected to over
• 19:58
  5. Years staff are part of the
• 19:59
  family. Household staff would have been
• 20:01
  a piece of the family. Olden time at.
• 20:02
  Least at least more permanent fixtures.
• 20:04
  That's not not defending any of those structures by the way,
• 20:06
  just just saying they would have been lifelong kind of pieces of
• 20:09
  most likely number. So number one, I'm saying that
• 20:13
  because of permanence, you want permanence in whoever is going
• 20:16
  to be present that child's life. They need, they need to
• 20:18
  understand that relationships last, not constant rotation of I
• 20:24
  was raised in the first year of life by this daycare provider
• 20:26
  and then in the second year of life by mom, but then she went
• 20:28
  back to work. So third year of life I was with
• 20:31
  grandma, but fourth year of life back to daycare.
• 20:33
  That's absolutely destructive. So we need permanence, whatever
• 20:36
  it's going to be #1 #2. Permanence in terms of childcare
• 20:40
  structures. Permanence in in terms of who is
• 20:43
  in the child's life as primary figures, not only two parents
• 20:47
  but also additional structures. Now here's the next question
• 20:49
  just to, I know you're going to keep going just to make sure we
• 20:51
  put a, you know, a cap on that. What are we talking about in
• 20:55
  terms of time zones or amount of time?
• 20:57
  Sorry. So when you're talking about
• 20:59
  another permanent caretaker for the child, whether it's grandma
• 21:02
  or the household support system or the nanny or whatever it is,
• 21:06
  like I know most families, virtually all families will try
• 21:09
  to do at least a date night once in a blue moon and there's a
• 21:11
  child, there's a babysitter, right?
• 21:13
  That's not like a permanent fixture in the child's life
• 21:15
  unless it's a grandparent or something, right?
• 21:17
  Correct. Are we, are we talking like at
• 21:18
  least 10 hours a week? Like at what point would you say
• 21:20
  it gets to the threshold of this is the child's now a staple in
• 21:24
  the child's life that we want to maintain consistency for?
• 21:27
  If the child is forming emotional bonding with that
• 21:30
  person and developing oxytocin, bonding with them and releasing
• 21:34
  oxytocin, their presence, joyful to see them.
• 21:36
  If they think that person's happy to see them.
• 21:38
  If there's play interaction going back and forth, if they're
• 21:41
  anticipating seeing that person have a warm sensation, they're
• 21:44
  excited if they're talking about that person, if they're drawing
• 21:47
  pictures of that person, if that person is teaching them lessons
• 21:50
  and guiding them, those are all important things.
• 21:53
  If that person is just occasionally there is a
• 21:55
  background character that the child doesn't really fully
• 21:57
  connect to, doesn't have those pieces, then it's probably all
• 22:00
  right, but we're looking for that.
• 22:02
  The issue is if the child has formed multiple bonds with so
• 22:05
  many people that are then severed, they're going to start
• 22:07
  not having any of those markers of emotional connection, even if
• 22:10
  that person is there 40 hours a week, because their brain has
• 22:13
  said don't get bonded to anybody anymore because they will
• 22:16
  eventually leave me. Your brain is responding.
• 22:19
  Essentially the only, the only, the only thing that we have
• 22:23
  that's similar to that for the human brain is death.
• 22:26
  The brain is of that child is saying all of these people
• 22:29
  who've taken care of me have died over and over and over, and
• 22:32
  they're all dead. And I live in a civilization
• 22:35
  where death is so constant that I've had 30 different caregivers
• 22:39
  in the first six years of my life because they're all dead.
• 22:41
  So I shouldn't connect to anyone.
• 22:43
  The brain learns that. So the key it sounds like you're
• 22:46
  saying is trusted, consistent connection over a period of
• 22:50
  years instead of justice, random people coming in and out.
• 22:53
  That's correct. Yeah, a babysitter.
• 22:54
  That's one of the keys anyways. Yeah, a babysitter you trust
• 22:58
  from a family down the street where you know them and you
• 23:01
  trust them. Those are all key factors for
• 23:02
  babysitters, not random people off the Internet.
• 23:04
  And when you have that, sure, once once every two weeks, they
• 23:08
  watch your kids for two or three hours and go out for a date.
• 23:11
  That's OK. That's not a permanent emotional
• 23:13
  fixture unless you always use that babysitter and it's twice,
• 23:17
  it's every two weeks or once a week for four hours, and they
• 23:19
  start bonding and playing and laughing and talking.
• 23:23
  That becomes a more semi permanent fixture in that
• 23:25
  child's life. That loss will be felt.
• 23:27
  We have to remember. Remember that.
• 23:28
  And the child will grieve that loss and catalog it.
• 23:31
  Do you have, you know, an hour's allotment you would get for mom
• 23:36
  of like OK, Make sure to play with child, each individual
• 23:39
  child at least 10 minutes a day, 30 minutes a day.
• 23:41
  Make sure that they get eye contact for X amount of time.
• 23:45
  Make sure that if she is working, especially if it's
• 23:47
  outside of the home, it's it's limited to this number of hours.
• 23:50
  Do you have a prescription that you can give?
• 23:53
  I wish I did. I wish I had an exact amount.
• 23:55
  Everyone wants 1. Come on.
• 23:56
  Everyone wants an exact amount. Well, I will tell people.
• 23:58
  And it could be a rough a kind of a range as well.
• 24:02
  I will say this I. Got Erica Commissar by the way,
• 24:04
  and she went down she's. Great at numbers.
• 24:06
  Well, in her numbers people really push back on because she
• 24:09
  said one year old, you could only be physically away from
• 24:12
  your one year old for one hour a day. 2 year old, 2 hours a day,
• 24:14
  three-year old 3 hours a day. That's where she went with that.
• 24:16
  And to be honest with you, that sounds about right because when
• 24:19
  you look at a natural human structure, look at any mammal on
• 24:22
  the planet and how many moms are spending 12 hours a day away
• 24:26
  from their newborn infants? Only those who have to to go
• 24:28
  forage. You're looking at like mother
• 24:30
  deer, right? And stuff like that, that leave
• 24:31
  their child down and thick. It hope a coyote doesn't eat
• 24:34
  them. But for social creatures
• 24:36
  especially like we are, you think of a mother gorilla any
• 24:39
  any primate that's similar to humans, right?
• 24:41
  At least similar to that structure.
• 24:43
  Look at any of them. They they're not like, yeah, see
• 24:45
  you later, baby. I'm going to go off.
• 24:46
  I'm going to go to work for corporate.
• 24:47
  No, that doesn't work. So, right, I was arguing
• 24:50
  actually with a feminist recently about this conversation
• 24:53
  about moms. What your your most important
• 24:55
  thing you can do is be present with your children in the home
• 24:58
  for the first several years. And I think that if you're going
• 25:00
  to choose to be a mother, you, you have to be able to invest in
• 25:03
  that. Now, if you're a mother who
• 25:04
  can't, that's understandable. I'm not judging that.
• 25:06
  But it is the most important thing you can do to not go away
• 25:09
  to a corporate job if you can. But again, society has to shift
• 25:15
  to be able to facilitate that. So no, no judgement on moms who
• 25:18
  can't. Those are different
• 25:20
  conversations. But those mothers who have a
• 25:21
  choice, you need to be in the home present with the children.
• 25:24
  You need to, absolutely. I will also say this though, the
• 25:27
  number the the reason I can't give an exact number is because
• 25:30
  I can't control the quality. But if you could control the
• 25:33
  quality. If I could control the quality,
• 25:35
  then it is only of absolute benefit to have as many hours a
• 25:40
  day as humanly possible. If you could be with your infant
• 25:42
  24 hours a day for the first year of their life, that would
• 25:46
  be fantastic. And if you have to be away from
• 25:49
  your infant, give the infant to your mother.
• 25:51
  That is a better way of doing it if the father is good.
• 25:54
  But your mother is actually a better caregiver because she
• 25:57
  smells like you. And we have to remember that
• 25:59
  children smell more than they see.
• 26:02
  Actually, their sight is only strong enough for newborns from
• 26:05
  the the breast to the face to see who is breastfeeding me and
• 26:09
  to stare at mom and understand if you're scared, angry or
• 26:11
  happy. And then you are looking at your
• 26:13
  child and they can see the expression on your face.
• 26:16
  We have to remember that they're, they're programmed for
• 26:18
  that. So they'll smell your mom and be
• 26:20
  more comfortable with the maternal line and understand
• 26:23
  that she smells like you. It's a natural, instinctive
• 26:25
  thing. So that's an important factor.
• 26:27
  Also, tease out. So if you could be with your
• 26:29
  child that much and then hand the baby off to your mom or your
• 26:33
  sister or your aunt, that would be great.
• 26:35
  That's the ideal human structure.
• 26:37
  It's what we come from. It's it's what we need.
• 26:40
  That's honestly how it should be.
• 26:41
  The problem is that we have moms working on their own.
• 26:44
  The problem is that moms are alone today, and that's the
• 26:47
  issue. What's the impact here?
• 26:49
  Let's take them one at a time for adopted children, especially
• 26:52
  those adopted at birth so they always only had the one
• 26:55
  attachment of the family of adoption, adopted family and
• 26:58
  then kids in foster care. So here's the problem is when
• 27:01
  you're adopted at birth, you smell that they are not your
• 27:04
  genetic family, and you know that they are not your genetic
• 27:06
  family, and you have a sense that they are not.
• 27:08
  So your system says I am stolen and I'm among strangers.
• 27:12
  I work with a tremendous number of clients who were adopted at
• 27:14
  birth, and some find out later. Others were told from the
• 27:18
  beginning it doesn't really seem to matter.
• 27:21
  The problem is that they know they aren't among their own
• 27:23
  family. And you know that your
• 27:24
  biological parents are out there somewhere, and your system
• 27:26
  invents fears that you could be abandoned again or that you were
• 27:32
  stolen. Your system doesn't know.
• 27:34
  So it creates this perpetual performance of I must perform,
• 27:38
  even if I don't know why. It creates that.
• 27:41
  It's very, very difficult to have someone adopted at birth
• 27:45
  raised with full secure attachment, unless there are
• 27:49
  explicit securely attached conversations that are woven in.
• 27:54
  If that child knows they're adopted, but they are told that
• 27:58
  they are chosen, that they are cared for, that they will never
• 28:01
  be abandoned, if it is explicitly stated over and over
• 28:06
  and over again in the right language for that child to
• 28:08
  understand that they are actually loved and that they are
• 28:11
  safe, you have to establish such absolute, explicit safety.
• 28:15
  And most adoptive families don't know to do that.
• 28:18
  They just give love and try to show.
• 28:21
  Show is not. Important.
• 28:22
  They need to tell. Your name you have to tell.
• 28:25
  The conversations must be had. We are an explicitly speaking
• 28:28
  species. We must have things explicitly
• 28:31
  said or they are not. It's not enough.
• 28:34
  Implicit is not enough for humanity.
• 28:36
  Things must be explicit. Which is why Jesus had to come
• 28:39
  down and explicitly speak to us, because implicit didn't work.
• 28:44
  That's such powerful advice, Adam.
• 28:46
  I'm so grateful you said that because we have a big obviously
• 28:48
  heart for families who adopt and adopted children.
• 28:51
  And then we're going to talk about foster care system and
• 28:54
  kids in a moment. But that idea of if you're a
• 28:57
  adoptive family, tell your child regularly, your adopted son or
• 29:01
  daughter, I choose you, I love you.
• 29:03
  I will never abandoned you. You are always safe with me.
• 29:07
  You will always be my son or my daughter.
• 29:09
  I love you to the ends of the earth.
• 29:10
  I will give everything for you. You are my, I choose you.
• 29:13
  I love you, you're always mine. Like you will always be my son
• 29:15
  or daughter. Like remind them again and again
• 29:17
  and again, because like you're saying, they're wired because
• 29:20
  they're biologically distinct from you.
• 29:22
  There's a there's a wiring mismatch and in a sense, and you
• 29:25
  can develop a secure attachment, but you have to make it verbal
• 29:29
  and not just say it one time when they ask one time was I
• 29:31
  adopted? Tell me, what does that mean?
• 29:33
  Oh no, but I love you. It has to be recurrent, a normal
• 29:37
  part of their life, to hear that from you.
• 29:39
  Yes, there is no distinction for me between biological and
• 29:44
  adopted. You are my adopted child, but
• 29:46
  you are my child. That has to be said again and
• 29:49
  again. And and make that statement.
• 29:51
  There's no distinction from a between, especially if they have
• 29:53
  other biological kids, between my adopted child, you as my
• 29:56
  adopted child and my biological children.
• 29:58
  Like, say that again and again. So many adopted parents go the
• 30:01
  opposite direction, trying to be considerate and thoughtful and
• 30:04
  helpful, and they don't talk about it because it's
• 30:06
  uncomfortable and they don't want to make the child
• 30:08
  uncomfortable and they don't want to say it and they don't
• 30:10
  want to be weird. And so they assume that it's an
• 30:13
  understood. And if the child wonders, I'll
• 30:15
  ask. But explicitly bringing it up
• 30:18
  again and again is not you introducing it.
• 30:21
  The child's brain is already doing it, even unconsciously in
• 30:25
  their mind, even in the back of their mind.
• 30:27
  It's still wondering, and it's still those.
• 30:29
  Those questions are there. It's there.
• 30:32
  So be explicit. It's a moment of love and joy
• 30:35
  and release again and again and again.
• 30:37
  Keep saying it. Even when they're 50, keep
• 30:40
  saying it. I am so glad that God gave you
• 30:43
  to me as my child. Even if you're not biological,
• 30:48
  you are mine and you are a gift and you are the full child in my
• 30:53
  heart and you will always be. No matter where you go or what
• 30:57
  you do. You will be my child forever.
• 30:59
  That is explicit illicit communication.
• 31:02
  And it's not weird, it's not awkward.
• 31:05
  If you really are saying it from the fullness of your heart and
• 31:08
  you raise your child with that messaging, that's, that is
• 31:10
  secure attachment. And most adopted parents
• 31:13
  unfortunately aren't trained into this.
• 31:15
  They think it's it's, it's kinder not to bring it up.
• 31:18
  Like make it seem like everyone's assumed, especially
• 31:20
  if they're biological kids. You try.
• 31:22
  Everyone's the same, everyone's loved, everyone's cared for.
• 31:25
  But the questions always there. What if something happens
• 31:29
  between me and that child? What if I'm not kind enough?
• 31:32
  What if I beat them up? What if they beat me up?
• 31:34
  What if we fight? What if things aren't perfect?
• 31:36
  What if you had to choose which one of us to feed?
• 31:38
  What if you had to choose which one of us to save?
• 31:41
  What would you do? What would happen?
• 31:43
  There's math running inside that child's brain.
• 31:46
  Adoption is wonderful and I think it's incredible and I
• 31:49
  think it's it's one of the kindest, most Christian,
• 31:52
  wonderful, even even non Christians, that's one of the
• 31:55
  most charitable, wonderful pieces of being a human is
• 31:58
  adopting another human being. I think is is overwhelmingly
• 32:01
  important. I don't want to turn people off
• 32:04
  from that. I think it's important.
• 32:05
  I just think that it has to be explicit and it has to be aware.
• 32:11
  Don't shy away from the hard conversations.
• 32:13
  Have them on purpose. That's what you need to be
• 32:16
  doing. Help your child know.
• 32:17
  That's so good. It's very hopeful.
• 32:19
  Like double down on the love, the intentionality, the express
• 32:23
  attachment. Like I love you, I choose you, I
• 32:25
  always, you're like my biological child, I love you
• 32:29
  just the same, et cetera. You are my child.
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• 34:14
  So back to the ideal. The ideal it's a mother whose
• 34:18
  nervous system is calm and settled because the people
• 34:21
  around her are building strong protective buffers so that
• 34:24
  existential level threats can't get through to her.
• 34:27
  When I said at the beginning the masculine's job is to facilitate
• 34:30
  the feminine, it's the masculine's job.
• 34:32
  Father, husband, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, cousins,
• 34:37
  the men around her, it's her. It's their job to provide her
• 34:41
  buffering from existential level threats.
• 34:43
  This doesn't mean she's kept inside where she has no say.
• 34:47
  It's existential level threats should not be something women
• 34:50
  have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.
• 34:52
  Women should not have to deal with existential level threats.
• 34:55
  That is a failure of society, but also failure of family
• 34:58
  structures. And the only people that we can
• 35:00
  point out is men. But the ability for men to do
• 35:02
  that job has also been stripped away.
• 35:04
  So we can't blame men for it, but that is the initial
• 35:07
  structure. Is masculinity on the outside
• 35:09
  protecting so that feminine is strong and safe on the inside,
• 35:14
  not containing or constraining the feminine, but protecting and
• 35:19
  giving that space so the feminine can do her job and lead
• 35:21
  in the domestic structures where she is?
• 35:24
  So what would be the ideal activities of a mother who's
• 35:28
  strongly connected? Is that in that top 1% in terms
• 35:31
  of the day-to-day and speak very candidly.
• 35:34
  Obviously, I'm here working right now.
• 35:35
  My kids are with our nanny who's like a grandmother in their
• 35:38
  life. You know, she's someone we
• 35:39
  intend to have in their life long time, a long time.
• 35:42
  But you know, as one example, a lot of women, I would say the
• 35:45
  majority of women today, her mother's will spend at least an
• 35:48
  hour, 234, sometimes a work day regularly away from their
• 35:53
  children. And maybe they've rejected
• 35:54
  daycare because they are not happy with the outcomes, but
• 35:57
  they have an in home care situation or they have school.
• 36:00
  That's another, you know, place to obviously take a child.
• 36:04
  Now often that child is going to be 6 plus.
• 36:06
  So that's a little bit different.
• 36:07
  You're talking about the very much younger kids or they're
• 36:10
  working from home and so their attention is a little bit or a
• 36:14
  lot of it distracted. So the child may be playing and
• 36:17
  they're doing emails and that's kind of a typical lifestyle for
• 36:21
  them. They try to avoid screen time,
• 36:22
  but this child is often playing or just in the home and trying
• 36:26
  to deal with activities with them at the same time having
• 36:30
  managing work activities or household activities.
• 36:33
  What what do what? Out of everything I'm
• 36:35
  describing, how would you design, if you think you can,
• 36:38
  the ideal situation that women should strive for, sure.
• 36:42
  I think having a part time job or a side job is an amazing
• 36:45
  thing actually for most moms because I think that's
• 36:47
  empowering. It's strong, it's good for the
• 36:49
  family, it's good for the finances, and it's always been a
• 36:51
  part of our culture. This concept that women should
• 36:53
  never ever work ever and make any kind of money is usually
• 36:56
  from Victorian London. So the Victorian era brought us
• 36:59
  this foolish idea that women should just sit there and do
• 37:02
  nothing but be a mom 24/7 and have nothing else in their life.
• 37:06
  That's Victorian values. That's never been a thing for
• 37:08
  pretty much any culture on the planet ever.
• 37:10
  Women have been needed to do other things.
• 37:12
  We would have died as a species if women just did nothing.
• 37:14
  Even I'm thinking as a Proverbs 31.
• 37:16
  It praises the wife who has a a part time job and raises money
• 37:20
  and sells things, right. Seamstress work, laundry service
• 37:24
  was something many women did for their community and and sewing,
• 37:27
  cooking, all kinds of things that women did.
• 37:29
  I think it's fantastic. I think it's great that you do
• 37:31
  this work. I think that God is LED you to
• 37:33
  this. I wouldn't say Lila quit, go
• 37:36
  home, just sit there, play with your kids.
• 37:37
  Do no, this is fantastic. I think we have to have that.
• 37:41
  I think that your children need to be able to see that.
• 37:44
  But do I think women should be in 12 hour a day corporate jobs?
• 37:47
  No, I think that's stupid. I don't think anyone should be
• 37:49
  in 12 hour corporate jobs to be honest with you.
• 37:51
  That's not even a normal thing for even men.
• 37:53
  But doing start part time work on the side emails companies.
• 37:58
  I think it's incredible. Here's my question.
• 38:01
  Is that mother attentive to her children, when they come to you
• 38:04
  and tug on your sleeve, do you respond to them and say, babe, I
• 38:06
  can't look at you right now, I have to do this e-mail, right?
• 38:09
  Are you attentive or do you shove the child away?
• 38:12
  Do you make time to be narrating?
• 38:14
  One important job of moms as you go through your day is to
• 38:17
  narrate what you're doing out loud, verbally, so your child
• 38:20
  hears that narration and lot learns not only the words but
• 38:23
  how things work, why they work. Actually, that's something
• 38:27
  overwhelmingly important that women in general do for
• 38:29
  children's narrating men and typically don't.
• 38:32
  Men are just like silent and doing the work alone and
• 38:35
  children have to watch it. Narration is very important.
• 38:37
  Even for the formation of language for infants, it's very
• 38:40
  important. That's a big important piece.
• 38:42
  So is she able to have the energy to narrate or is she
• 38:44
  exhausted, rundown and silent? Just those pieces.
• 38:47
  So great doing your day. You wake up, you give your kids
• 38:50
  a morning structure, you give them a hug, you laugh with them,
• 38:53
  you talk with them, you play a little bit, and then you all get
• 38:55
  to your duties, you get to your responsibilities.
• 38:57
  The kids too, they get to their lessons, they get to learning,
• 39:00
  they get to cooking. My kids, I've got six of them.
• 39:03
  I will by the time this is released, my kids help cook
• 39:05
  breakfast, the olders and they love it and they learn.
• 39:08
  They, they and my, my wife is there helping them, rotating
• 39:11
  between their various chores that they're doing and then
• 39:13
  doing her own thing. She handles our domestic
• 39:15
  finances. She's better in that aspect than
• 39:17
  I am. I handle the business finances,
• 39:18
  but she's the domestic front. All those things.
• 39:21
  She's rotating, she's making phone calls, she's handling,
• 39:23
  she's doing those things beautifully.
• 39:25
  She ran a business before she was a mom.
• 39:26
  She sold the business to become a mom full time at home, right.
• 39:29
  So she's she's bringing those skills in.
• 39:32
  It's not necessarily day-to-day what you're doing.
• 39:35
  It's are you attentive to your kids?
• 39:37
  Is your nervous system calm and settled?
• 39:39
  Are you talking with them? Are you playing with them?
• 39:41
  Are you responsive to them? And then are you stepping back
• 39:43
  and showing them how an adult lives?
• 39:44
  Remember that there's not this magical thing called childhood.
• 39:47
  Not really. That's an invention.
• 39:49
  More of recent times. We're supposed to give them a
• 39:51
  childhood. You're actually training their
• 39:54
  nervous systems and helping them become apprentice adults is what
• 39:57
  you're doing. So can you do that?
• 39:59
  Or are you so exhausted and rundown that you can't function
• 40:02
  in the home and you've outsourced that?
• 40:04
  That's something that can't be outsourced.
• 40:06
  Does that make sense? It totally does and it's very
• 40:09
  encouraging. And we're going to get more into
• 40:11
  how can a mom do this for a child to have this regulated
• 40:15
  nervous system and strong attachment with their child and
• 40:17
  overcome some of the challenges she may face.
• 40:19
  Yes. But before that, one more thing
• 40:22
  on the work front, because again, this is something our
• 40:24
  podcast talks about a lot, work and motherhood and all of the
• 40:27
  things and it's very important. So according to my understanding
• 40:32
  of the last couple 100 years of history, especially in the
• 40:35
  Western world, there was this push in the 19th century for
• 40:38
  there to be 8 hour work days, 8 hours of rest, 8 hours of
• 40:42
  recreation. Post industrial revolution.
• 40:45
  There was this work in the United States.
• 40:48
  Anyways, labor movements to make sure that employers had to give
• 40:53
  their people time off, not just Sundays, but maybe even
• 40:56
  Saturdays. You know, the work day of the
• 40:59
  7th day being rest and the rest being work days now kind of
• 41:02
  extended to Saturday. Saturday needed to be a day off
• 41:04
  for the workers, right? Today, work is so many different
• 41:08
  things because of the technological revolutions that
• 41:11
  we've seen and the AI revolution now.
• 41:12
  So like, what does it even mean to work anymore?
• 41:16
  There's just so much to unpack there.
• 41:18
  But my question for you is, for mothers, is there a rule of
• 41:22
  thumb number that we can keep in mind if we're going for
• 41:26
  attachment, strong attachment, be present with the child, be
• 41:30
  attentive to their needs, be affectionate, you know, have a
• 41:33
  sense of order in the home so that there's predictability.
• 41:36
  You're narrating the life people, they know what to
• 41:38
  expect. How can women mothers develop
• 41:42
  their own sense of inner calm so that they can provide that to
• 41:45
  their children? It's not really how humanity
• 41:47
  works, unfortunately. Just developing your own inner
• 41:50
  sense of. Very, very hard and.
• 41:51
  Get me calm, that's not how it works.
• 41:54
  It's very hard. What do women do to try to?
• 41:57
  Because I think most women, most mothers experience overwhelm
• 42:01
  right now, correct? The vast majority of them, not
• 42:05
  everyone. I'm actually really blessed.
• 42:06
  I'm in this like bubble right now where I live with the faith
• 42:10
  community I have and the friends I have and the strong marriages
• 42:12
  I have where there is plenty of friction and stress.
• 42:16
  But at its core, the mothers that I know have so much that
• 42:20
  they can pour out from as opposed to just constant
• 42:23
  depletion. I know that's unusual in today's
• 42:25
  culture, though. It is.
• 42:26
  That's the masculine. Within that system, the
• 42:28
  masculine is doing its job. It's a buffer, the feminine from
• 42:32
  existential level threats, even perceived existential level
• 42:35
  threats. So the feminine can in turn do
• 42:37
  its job and nurture the entire system.
• 42:39
  That's what's happening. It's in correct balance.
• 42:41
  That's that's amazing. Again, that's that's not very
• 42:43
  common through the rest of culture right now.
• 42:45
  You're correct. That's ultimately what we need
• 42:47
  to build is a structure like that.
• 42:48
  A lone woman on her own is an abnormality through human
• 42:51
  history. Now, most women today feel like
• 42:53
  they are absolutely on their own and that's.
• 42:56
  So what can we do? I mean, for those women, you
• 42:59
  know, that woman listening who feels like she is on her own
• 43:02
  marital issues or there's no man in the picture and she maybe has
• 43:06
  motherhood, you know, issues with her own mother, that she
• 43:10
  had her own upbringing. What advice do you give her?
• 43:13
  Community other humans doesn't have to be it's it's it doesn't
• 43:17
  have to be. Go find a man, other humans,
• 43:20
  community. Women are not meant to be alone
• 43:23
  like that. They're not.
• 43:24
  Even just other friends. Friends is fine.
• 43:27
  That is something still friends is something.
• 43:29
  Friends is fine if there are no women.
• 43:32
  If all the men in a village died out, women will step up and
• 43:36
  there's a female hierarchy where then the female at the top will
• 43:39
  take on a very firmly masculine role and she will then care for
• 43:43
  all the other women from the masculine.
• 43:45
  Women can flip into a masculine state if they have to.
• 43:47
  It destroys her biology. They if there's a lot of
• 43:51
  reproductive cancers and thyroid cancers that start to happen,
• 43:53
  her fertility rates plummet, her estrogen rates plummet, her her
• 43:57
  rates of miscarriage and still birth go way, way, way up.
• 44:00
  Her immune system just destroyed.
• 44:02
  All kinds of things are absolutely destructive to that
• 44:05
  woman in that structure, but she can women can flip into that
• 44:08
  state for each other. We're seeing a rise of women
• 44:11
  saying let's just build female collectives and and that's
• 44:13
  understandable why that's happening.
• 44:15
  If you can't find masculine for men, build masculine among your
• 44:19
  female tribe. Do that band together with the
• 44:22
  women in your group. If you have to create that
• 44:24
  structure, but you can't do it alone as a human.
• 44:26
  That is not how how women are meant to work.
• 44:29
  It's also not how men are meant to work.
• 44:30
  That humanity is not meant to be divided down to a unit of 1.
• 44:34
  The strength of humanity is actually in our groups.
• 44:37
  We're not meant to be reduced to a solo creature who's trying to
• 44:40
  raise children. But that's not how we function,
• 44:43
  so it will never be OK in that structure.
• 44:46
  You can really can't do enough yoga and antidepressant pills to
• 44:50
  make yourself balanced out enough to give your kids that
• 44:52
  structure. Now, are there times where you
• 44:56
  have to do all that you can to raise the next generation to do
• 44:59
  better than you have? Yes, there are times in history
• 45:03
  where you are essentially the middle child of history and your
• 45:07
  job is to just survive enough to get the next generation through,
• 45:11
  to be stronger, better resourced, and more in control
• 45:15
  than you are. And for some moms out there,
• 45:17
  that is where you are. But community is still going to
• 45:21
  be important. What would you say for a mother
• 45:24
  who is just struggling to enjoy her motherhood?
• 45:26
  I would say that's a nervous system problem.
• 45:28
  To be honest with you, that is a nervous system problem.
• 45:31
  Motherhood is one of the hardest things there is to be honest
• 45:34
  with you because it's, it's exhausting, it's demanding it
• 45:36
  it's it's massive. But if it is destroying you as a
• 45:40
  person, that's a system issue, not a skill issue.
• 45:43
  On the on the on the woman. I'm not saying that's a system
• 45:46
  issue. You don't have a system that's
• 45:48
  taking care of you. Women are not supposed to be out
• 45:51
  there alone doing everything. That's not how it works.
• 45:54
  You were supposed to have a system caring for you.
• 45:56
  And if that system is friendship, if that system is
• 45:59
  banding together with older women in your community and
• 46:02
  getting some help, if that system is finding that woman who
• 46:04
  never had children and now says my life has no meaning and I'm
• 46:07
  alone at 70 and I wish I was dead.
• 46:10
  I work with those women quite often.
• 46:11
  I've met so many of them. If it's banding together with
• 46:14
  those women and absorbing them into your family and saying you
• 46:17
  will be our grandma and now we will be a family together, if
• 46:20
  that's what it looks like, that's what it looks like.
• 46:23
  I think women need other women if they don't have good men,
• 46:26
  start with other women. Build that together, build
• 46:29
  family systems. That is fine.
• 46:31
  Adult adoption is also a thing, right?
• 46:33
  We we need families. Family doesn't have to look like
• 46:36
  you raised me. Family can be You are the
• 46:38
  closest thing I have to a mother Come be with us.
• 46:42
  That might be an answer to. I'm working on an app right now
• 46:46
  called Chaley, which I'm really excited about, which will in
• 46:49
  part help moms connect with other women to build the tribes
• 46:53
  and the families that they need, as well as giving them resources
• 46:57
  for motherhood and advice for motherhood.
• 46:59
  But find your mom friends, find and build your community so it's
• 47:03
  it's located like you can do it by zip code and then it's values
• 47:07
  graded so you can find people you share your values because I
• 47:10
  like women move around a lot as it is right now.
• 47:13
  But even if you have lived in the same place, people move
• 47:15
  away, people leave your life. And there's this fracture that
• 47:19
  so many women experience where it's so hard to find community
• 47:22
  and build community, but it's essential for any mother.
• 47:25
  If you took, if you took three single moms who had, let's say
• 47:28
  two children each, that's six kids and you got them together
• 47:32
  and you helped them structure it so they could actually be caring
• 47:36
  for each other. They've built their values.
• 47:38
  They could actually trust each other not to be, you know, crazy
• 47:40
  destructive forces. And then you said, all right,
• 47:43
  let's set it up so that once a week or twice a week or even 3 *
• 47:47
  a week, you guys will take care of each other's children on
• 47:50
  rotating systems and give each mom a night off.
• 47:55
  That would be incredible. That would be amazing.
• 47:57
  Each night you will watch, you know, once a week you will watch
• 48:01
  six kids and once a week you will also be given full and
• 48:04
  complete rest. That would be interesting
• 48:07
  because now you could actually have mom give her give her an
• 48:09
  entire evening off. You could have absolute actual
• 48:12
  rest for the first time. You could have play dates where
• 48:16
  the moms then take times and rotate.
• 48:18
  Most indigenous cultures pre industrial, many of them
• 48:21
  actually, they would have one mom watch the kids and the other
• 48:24
  moms would take naps and then they'd swap and they would all
• 48:26
  get time to actually rest. Moms would actually sleep.
• 48:30
  Imagine getting sleep as a mom. Is sleep important to you?
• 48:33
  Imagine having two or three other moms you trusted that you
• 48:36
  could put those kids with and those you knew they were safe
• 48:39
  and they were getting socialization and love and care
• 48:42
  with those other kids. Learning good lessons with a
• 48:44
  good family. Now you get to rest for four
• 48:47
  hours. Six hours.
• 48:48
  What could you get done in six hours?
• 48:50
  That's three hours to nap, 2 hours to do taxes and paperwork
• 48:53
  that you didn't have time to do, and an hour to work on painting
• 48:58
  or pottery or or self improvement learning.
• 49:01
  Taking a walk. That's time to actually rest.
• 49:03
  Imagine if you had six hours a week.
• 49:05
  That would be transformative for most moms.
• 49:07
  Imagine if you had more than that.
• 49:09
  That's something women can be giving to each other.
• 49:11
  Again, this is something men should be giving to women and
• 49:14
  and designing so that women can then also give to each other.
• 49:17
  But we have to build what we can.
• 49:21
  I think about the stereotype of the, I think it was this like ad
• 49:24
  for 1950s housewife. The dad comes home from work and
• 49:28
  she has everything perfect for him and it's all designed for
• 49:31
  his needs. And you've talked about the
• 49:33
  importance of the man actually having his needs met.
• 49:35
  Of course he meets his needs met, but there was a missing
• 49:37
  part of what are her needs. And then that's I think where
• 49:40
  you got, you know, the feminine mystique, Betty Friedan saying
• 49:43
  that the suburban mother is so miserable.
• 49:45
  And then, you know, that gave all this fodder basically for
• 49:48
  the modern feminist movement. The 1940s and 1950s are an
• 49:51
  aberration for humanity. That is not a normal traditional
• 49:54
  structure at all. Neither is the 1900s actually at
• 49:57
  all because that's it's so informed by Victorian era values
• 50:00
  for Queen Victoria was a nut job and the things that she
• 50:02
  introduced are really are destructive.
• 50:05
  What did she introduce? Oh my, that's a whole other
• 50:08
  episode. Let's have that episode someday.
• 50:10
  I'd like to do that entire episode.
• 50:11
  But Victorian era values are so destructive for male and female
• 50:15
  it is overwhelmingly insane. If we could erase Queen Victoria
• 50:19
  from history, it would be so much better for humanity.
• 50:22
  I will just say that now. Apart from that, apart from
• 50:28
  that, it is not normal for one woman to do everything that is
• 50:32
  not normal. This The structure of the man
• 50:34
  works and he comes home and everything is perfect for him is
• 50:36
  not normal either. A structure where you have 20
• 50:39
  family members and the men go farm in the fields and the women
• 50:43
  are working together, rotating and and caring for children,
• 50:46
  resting, laughing, talking, playing.
• 50:49
  The men come back from the fields and they are all, they're
• 50:53
  tired, but they're refreshed and they come in and actually get to
• 50:56
  work doing things in the home and playing with the kids and
• 50:59
  integrating with the family and connected and bonded.
• 51:02
  And now you have dinners together and all the women are
• 51:05
  rested and all the men are are tired from work, but also have
• 51:08
  been working together all day and they're bonded and they are
• 51:11
  solving problems and parenting. And the kids don't just have mom
• 51:15
  and dad, they have 20 other family members to engage with.
• 51:18
  So if dad dies, you have your brothers and his brothers and
• 51:21
  his dad and your dad and uncles and everybody in there.
• 51:24
  So he has 1015 other masculine figures to teach him, right?
• 51:29
  And they don't just, yes, dad's gone, but they have all these
• 51:32
  other people to step into the gap.
• 51:33
  So now they have 20 permanent caregiver figures in their life
• 51:37
  to learn secure attachment from. And so if people die, they are
• 51:41
  they are not even not replaced, but so much redundancy is built
• 51:45
  into the system. That's a normal human structure.
• 51:48
  That is a normal human structures is 203040 people your
• 51:53
  kids aren't connected to lifelong and lifelong.
• 51:57
  That's a normal structure. Now that's what women's systems
• 52:00
  are designed for. Women's systems are not designed
• 52:02
  for this this 1950s. And that's what we should try to
• 52:05
  build. That's that's a good.
• 52:07
  Project Family Systems. With other families.
• 52:10
  With other families, don't try to.
• 52:11
  Do it alone, nuclear family style.
• 52:13
  You need to build the village. Nuclear family is a lie.
• 52:16
  Nuclear family can only exist in a framework of a larger
• 52:19
  structure of family systems of, of lifelong nannies that you
• 52:24
  have adopted as grandmothers, right?
• 52:26
  Stuff like that. That's beautiful.
• 52:28
  That's incredible, right? All of those structures, they
• 52:31
  must exist within larger structures.
• 52:33
  A nuclear family is not the the solo unit that we are supposed
• 52:36
  to be looking at. Even the nuclear family itself
• 52:39
  on its own is an aberration. That's not something we're
• 52:42
  trying to build in as either. This concept of extended family
• 52:45
  that's that's just family dividing it down to nuclear and
• 52:49
  extended itself is insanity. Kids need every good adult they
• 52:54
  can get. We need redundancy.
• 52:57
  What about moms who have mother issues, meaning their mother,
• 53:02
  they have an issue they had like a anxious, you know, or avoid an
• 53:05
  attachment with their own mother.
• 53:07
  Their mother was super stressed, their mother was absent or their
• 53:10
  mother was abusive. How do you heal your own
• 53:14
  relationship to the mother when you're entering motherhood
• 53:17
  yourself? I do this a lot to be honest
• 53:19
  with you. It is most efficient to repair
• 53:22
  your relationship with your mother if possible.
• 53:26
  It is not always possible. Sometimes it is not possible.
• 53:29
  And sometimes it's better for your children and for you that
• 53:32
  she not be in their lives. Sometimes that's true.
• 53:35
  If she's really abusive, you're saying.
• 53:37
  If she is abusive and destructive and you are afraid
• 53:40
  for the children legitimately, there are times where it is good
• 53:45
  to remove her. So the key is in all of this
• 53:47
  with children, with mothers managing their own mother and
• 53:51
  parents and their children. Obviously, when they're your
• 53:53
  dependents, your children do come first, but you still have a
• 53:57
  responsibility to your parents within the realm of making sure
• 54:01
  your kids are protected. Americans really don't like
• 54:03
  hierarchies, do we? We really don't like a
• 54:06
  hierarchical list of priorities. We try not to do that.
• 54:09
  It feels icky. It feels icky to put our
• 54:11
  children at the absolute top. It feels icky to put our partner
• 54:15
  above our self. It feels icky to put our self on
• 54:18
  that list at all because we feel like we're being bad.
• 54:20
  The term we start using is positive selfishness, as if
• 54:23
  somehow that's going to overcome the word selfishness in there.
• 54:26
  It feels icky to have a hierarchy of priorities, but God
• 54:29
  is in the business of hierarchies.
• 54:32
  God requires hierarchies. Actually, just our basic biology
• 54:35
  for those who are secular demands hierarchies.
• 54:38
  Your children must come first. That is an absolute.
• 54:42
  It is a non negotiable for especially in those first 161718
• 54:46
  years of life. It is your job and your duty.
• 54:49
  Everything else comes second to that.
• 54:51
  I want to close this out with a rapid fire on motherhood, more
• 54:54
  detailed questions about motherhood and managing
• 54:58
  motherhood. So I want to talk about screen
• 55:00
  time for just a moment. Should a woman, should a mother,
• 55:03
  feel guilty of the iPad if screen time is being used as a
• 55:07
  digital babysitter? Well, she's just trying to again
• 55:10
  manage her immune nervous system and get some basic care of
• 55:14
  herself done or care of the household done or work done that
• 55:17
  needs to get done. Otherwise, it's creating this
• 55:19
  ongoing stress for her. If you're letting your child
• 55:21
  endlessly, they watch YouTube videos and they're in just
• 55:23
  watching it unsupervised, yes, it's a problem.
• 55:26
  If you have them on educational platforms and they're learning,
• 55:30
  that's not a problem. Actually, that's good.
• 55:31
  Your children need training with technology going forward.
• 55:34
  If they're endlessly dopamine binging, that's a problem.
• 55:37
  Do you have toys? Do you have puzzles?
• 55:38
  Do you have books? Do you have other things for
• 55:40
  them to do as well? Do they have structures to play
• 55:42
  that are not just a tablet? But again, tablets themselves
• 55:45
  are not the problem. These are tools.
• 55:46
  It's using them effectively. Learn about dopamine, learn
• 55:49
  about brain formation. There's science out there, a lot
• 55:51
  of it. But no, you shouldn't feel bad
• 55:53
  if you have to put your kid in front of an educational tablet
• 55:56
  game for 20 minutes to try to do your taxes or pay your bills.
• 55:59
  That is not a. Problem Do you think games are
• 56:01
  better than like educational shows or I think?
• 56:04
  It depends on the game there. There's some games that will
• 56:06
  help release lower levels of dopamine and they're more
• 56:10
  serotonin based. And there are games that are
• 56:12
  more dopamine based, designed to be like a slot machine that
• 56:15
  create addiction in your child. And I've seen children having
• 56:18
  seizures because they get pulled off tablets because they're in
• 56:21
  so much overwhelm with dopamine that they fry their dopamine
• 56:24
  receptors and they're screaming, foaming, having seizures.
• 56:26
  So. Do you have a recommendation
• 56:28
  about the kinds of games you would recommend for younger
• 56:30
  kids? If you sit and you can play it
• 56:32
  and it feels overstimulating, that's a pretty good sign.
• 56:36
  Things like Candy Crush are designed to be overwhelmingly
• 56:39
  dopamine craving so that it makes you want to pay money.
• 56:42
  Things like mahjong are a lot less so look at
• 56:46
  microtransactions. Is the game paying you to
• 56:49
  continue? If it's paying you to continue,
• 56:52
  it is probably dopamine for. For like a three-year old.
• 56:55
  For a three-year old, they still have microtransactions.
• 56:58
  Look specifically at things that are learning and educational
• 57:01
  tracing shapes, coloring, drawing, matching.
• 57:04
  There's little things that are better.
• 57:06
  My kids really love what is that little thing?
• 57:08
  Dave and Ava Dave and Ava, they've loved the little Dave
• 57:12
  and Ava because you're you, you scribble and you color and then
• 57:15
  it it shows you what's behind it.
• 57:17
  You match make you do you move little bugs on things and you're
• 57:20
  tracing hand eye coordination. This is different from how do I
• 57:24
  win, how do I win, how do I win and endless crazy numbers.
• 57:27
  There's very different things that you can be doing, so be
• 57:31
  careful. If I want my child to feel safe
• 57:34
  coming to me when they're 16 years old, what can I be doing
• 57:37
  with them when they are very young to build that secure
• 57:39
  attachment? Train them diligently in it and
• 57:42
  make sure it's explicitly understood that they are safe
• 57:44
  with you. I walked into my 4 year old the
• 57:45
  other day putting a hole in the drywall and instead of blowing
• 57:49
  up and making him feel like he'd been a bad kid, I sat him down
• 57:52
  and first started asking him why he why?
• 57:54
  Why did this happen? Help me understand.
• 57:55
  I took a breath. I even regulated myself in front
• 57:58
  one of him so I'd be safe. And then I talked with him and
• 58:01
  understood and we learned and we grew from it.
• 58:03
  It was not permissive parenting. I don't do that.
• 58:06
  You can't be a permissive parent.
• 58:07
  That's not OK. But you do have to make them
• 58:10
  feel safe in the little moments when things are absolutely
• 58:13
  crazy. Your worst days might define
• 58:16
  their memories of you. I think about my daughter.
• 58:18
  She was just puncturing our leather couch.
• 58:20
  She's only she just turned 2 with a pencil and I tried to, I
• 58:25
  said no, no, I did say no, no stop.
• 58:27
  And I said pencils are not for couches, correct?
• 58:29
  They're for paper, correct. And she was like, OK.
• 58:33
  Yeah, it's OK to say no, no, no and stop.
• 58:35
  And then you give context and you train.
• 58:38
  Nervous system comes down, Education begins.
• 58:41
  There's so much information online for how to be a good mom
• 58:44
  or parent. What is a good, you know, day
• 58:48
  in, day out go to in your view? You should just say the Chaley
• 58:51
  app, which I'm building but but is a good tool.
• 58:53
  I would say Chaley, but what are other good tools that you know
• 58:56
  of or you would recommend? It could even be someone that
• 58:58
  there's a fixture in their life that they go to for those
• 59:00
  day-to-day questions. The best thing you can do is
• 59:02
  first see how somebody else is actually living their life, how
• 59:06
  their nervous system looks and how they have any experience at
• 59:09
  all raising or teaching anybody, and see if that person has a
• 59:13
  structure that you'd actually want to be living in and you'd
• 59:16
  be happy with. Then you can start taking
• 59:18
  lessons from them. Women learning from you.
• 59:20
  You are curating resources because they want to be a mom
• 59:23
  like you who's calm, settled with loving children, so they
• 59:26
  try to learn from you. Make sure your target you're
• 59:28
  learning from is someone you'd want to emulate.
• 59:31
  Don't learn from people who hate their life.
• 59:33
  Very good advice. Mothers often can get frustrated
• 59:37
  or feeling stressed. What are some things that they
• 59:41
  can do to prevent overreacting in the moment with children when
• 59:45
  they're trying to correct behavior?
• 59:46
  Your body is your absolute best friend when it comes to
• 59:48
  regulating your nervous system. You can't out think feelings
• 59:51
  because the thalmus runs on different levels.
• 59:53
  Your prefrontal cortex, your thinking part is 500
• 59:56
  milliseconds. Your limbic system fight flight
• 59:58
  fawn freeze is 100 milliseconds, about five times faster.
• 1:00:03
  Calm, take breaths, regulate, speak slower, close your eyes
• 1:00:09
  even. Let your children see you doing
• 1:00:11
  this. Train your children to regulate
• 1:00:13
  their nervous systems and train your children to see that you
• 1:00:16
  are a safe mom who regulates. Before you communicate, let them
• 1:00:21
  see you get angry, let them see you calm and regulate, and then
• 1:00:25
  let them hear you talk, in that order if you have to.
• 1:00:29
  What is 1 activity that mothers can do with their children on a
• 1:00:32
  daily basis to build secure attachment?
• 1:00:36
  Cooking. Cooking.
• 1:00:37
  Because it's a side by side activity where you can be
• 1:00:40
  talking to them and training them and teaching them, but you
• 1:00:43
  can also be asking about their day, how they're feeling, how
• 1:00:46
  they're learning, how they're growing.
• 1:00:48
  You can be talking to them, You could be narrating what you're
• 1:00:50
  doing, all kinds of amazing things.
• 1:00:53
  Cooking together with boys and girls is an incredible
• 1:00:56
  experience that moms can be doing and it only takes maybe
• 1:00:58
  10, 10 minutes a day for all your different meals.
• 1:01:01
  And including them in the cooking act.
• 1:01:02
  Including them in the cooking and.
• 1:01:04
  Regulating your emotion when the cooking can go sideways.
• 1:01:09
  If it goes sideways, you still get to enjoy the meal together.
• 1:01:11
  You release oxytocin, vasopressin, you release
• 1:01:14
  serotonin, release dopamine, GABA, all 5 great chemicals you
• 1:01:18
  need. I love that.
• 1:01:19
  I think it's so important to give yourself permission to let
• 1:01:22
  it take more time. I think about just this weekend
• 1:01:24
  I was making waffles and of course I, my my little ones love
• 1:01:27
  to make waffles with me special thing on the weekend.
• 1:01:29
  Then we like refrigerate them for the rest of the week.
• 1:01:31
  And I let my son crack the eggs. Our four year old who loves to
• 1:01:35
  crack the eggs. I was busy with the 2 year old
• 1:01:37
  so I wasn't monitoring closely and it was filled with egg
• 1:01:40
  shells and it took me probably a good 10 minutes to remove all
• 1:01:42
  the egg shells from the eggs. And I remember kind of laughing
• 1:01:45
  like being a little annoyed because we also didn't have
• 1:01:48
  hours to do this for breakfast. But realizing OK, this was my
• 1:01:51
  way to show him love and but I needed to add 10 minutes on is
• 1:01:55
  what I'm saying. At least to that whole
• 1:01:57
  experience of absolutely. Absolutely, and even turning
• 1:02:00
  that into a training experience about egg shells and how they
• 1:02:03
  can do it differently. Scrambled eggs and toast is a
• 1:02:07
  pretty simple thing to start teaching your kids.
• 1:02:10
  Scrambled eggs and toast. Waffles are complicated.
• 1:02:12
  Waffles are complicated because there's all kinds of stuff and
• 1:02:14
  and scrambled eggs and toast. We start my one year old cooking
• 1:02:18
  scrambled eggs and toast. Even my one year olds are
• 1:02:20
  cooking. They just kind of, you hold them
• 1:02:22
  carefully and they stir at a distance.
• 1:02:24
  Even that begins the process of learning and training, but it
• 1:02:28
  gives them something to do and pride and all kinds of amazing
• 1:02:31
  things. My 6 year old, one of her
• 1:02:33
  favorite activities is mopping the kitchen because she gets to
• 1:02:36
  boss everyone around and tell them to move stuff and she gets
• 1:02:39
  to be the queen of the kitchen for a while.
• 1:02:40
  So that is train your children in.
• 1:02:43
  This is what humans have always done.
• 1:02:45
  Is there any other advice that you would give to women right
• 1:02:47
  now who want to build to cure attachment with their children?
• 1:02:52
  Fix your relationship with your mother, whatever that looks
• 1:02:55
  like. Have a good relationship with a
• 1:02:57
  man in your life. If it's the father of those
• 1:02:59
  children, that's great. If it's not another man, fix
• 1:03:03
  your relationship with any of the men in your family if you
• 1:03:05
  can, because they are your original source of safety and
• 1:03:08
  security, and then treat yourself like a human being.
• 1:03:12
  Remember that your nervous system is the best resource your
• 1:03:14
  children have, and if you run yourself into the ground, you're
• 1:03:17
  not doing any good for them. Mom guilt is real, so learn to
• 1:03:20
  take care of yourself as a way to take care of them if you have
• 1:03:23
  to. But take care of yourself and
• 1:03:25
  your nervous system so they get the best of you, not what's
• 1:03:27
  left. Amazing.
• 1:03:29
  Adam Lane Smith, thank you so much.
• 1:03:30
  This was awesome. Thank you for having me again.
• 1:03:33
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• 1:03:35
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