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✨️BONUS Episode: Things I'd Never Thought I'd Say😆 · ✨️Aligned and Thriving: For Teachers🌿

0:05
Hey, hey, my beautiful humans. And welcome back to another
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episode Aligned and Thriving for teachers.
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It is your resident organiser in chief, Mel here with a good
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cuppa and a collection of absolute pearlers.
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So this is going to be good. This episode is going to make
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things funny. I'm just, I'm just going to jump
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on it. Today we're diving into things I
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never thought I'd have to say in a classroom.
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Plus maybe some of the weirdest things kids have ever lobbed
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back at me. No Philtre, pure comedy gold.
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So buckle up. You might snort laugh in the
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staff room if you're listening there.
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But this is what a normal person should never really need to say
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or hear at work. But yet we as teachers, we do
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this on the daily. Let's start with #1 the bodily
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function bonanza, I'd like to call it.
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This is the classics. OK, who farted and did you
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follow through? Because the smell is bordering
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on hazardous materials and the culprit is giggling so hard that
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their chair is vibrating. You've probably had that happen
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to you before in a classroom or, and this is very much a TMI
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moment, or you have had to do said, dropping your guts and
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walking away. And then they blame it on the
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other students in your class and you're going, oh, ha, ha, ha.
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That works really well in a high school setting.
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Just so you know, I actually had an IP who did that really well.
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She was very gassy, I have to say, but she would very much do
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something like that. And then the kids would blame
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each other in the class. So you might get away with those
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things too. You might also have one of these
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situations. What is that wet patch on the
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floor? Hmm.
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In teaching there's only usually two options.
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It's either a leaky water bottle or sadly A bodily fluid.
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And may the odds be ever in your favour depending on the class
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that you are teaching. Lower down grades I'd be opting
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for bodily fluids, higher up I'd be really hoping that it was the
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water bottle. But if you told 15 year old me
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that I would one day have an internal scale for it's probably
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just water versing, I need a biohazard kit.
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I probably would have just laughed in your face.
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But now I honestly have a record of the times I've had to do
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this. Number 2, The area of stop doing
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weird things with my clothes saga.
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Here's a good one for you. While teaching my beautiful
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little prep class who don't understand the meaning of a
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boundary. Even when I put a physical hula
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hoop on the floor around my feet when I was sitting on the chair
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reading a story, I had to look down at my shoe and politely
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tell my young little human please stop licking my shoe.
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And those gorgeous little blue eyes looked after me and said I
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just wanted to know what it tasted like.
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Yeah, friends, that five year old was suction cupped to my
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sneaker like a Dyson. Why?
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Because it smelt like rubber and he just wanted to know what it
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tasted like. Fairpoint, right?
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No, please get out of my bubble. I did talk to him very nicely
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and remind him that I have a bubble for a reason.
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Remember to stay out of the little bubble and my shoes are
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inside my bubble, so please don't lick my shoes again.
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Then you get the classic no, my skirt is not a tent, We're not
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hiding in there. Nor is my skirt a cosy reading
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area, or a blanket Fort or a portal to Narnia.
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Although one kid was very convinced that climbing inside
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my jacket would get him there. Spoiler alert, he only found
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that I smelt like my deodorant and decided to comment on that
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instead. Because you can't get to Narnia
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by hiding inside my jacket. He learned that the hard way.
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But yes, if you are going to teach early childhood, in
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particular kindergarten classes, you might find yourself having
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those discussions with those tiny humans and reminding them
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that your clothes are not a place for hiding.
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And do remember to wear, what's the word, like, leggings,
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tights. That's what I was thinking of
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under your skirts and dresses when you are teaching in that
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space because you never know who wants to go exploring.
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Wow, that sounds really bad when I say that out loud, but I hope
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you understood what I meant there and where that was
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heading. Oh gosh, let's go to the high
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school upgrade instead. It's the same vibe, just a
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different wardrobe really. You might walk past the teens
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and Yep, this is talking from experience.
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Oh miss, that's gets a bit of a shame.
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Dope. My insta OG said that the plates
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are closest together so I can tell yours is a dope.
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Yes, I really liked walking through those corridors because
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I would always get a really good commentary on the clothes that I
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was wearing. I'm pretty sure at one point I
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was wearing wearing Pumas. They were black and white Pumas.
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I still have them. I still wear them and the kids
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would say to me, why didn't you just go buy the proper NYX mist?
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Why did you buy the Pumas? Is that because they were
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cheaper? Yeah.
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Yep. Is that because they're more
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comfortable? I didn't want the Nike Dunk
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shoes. I actually liked the Pumas.
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I'd tried both on, but I wasn't going to justify myself to them.
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So I just smile and wave. It's just seventh period
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English, babe. I can get through this.
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Then you get the beautiful identity crisis corner era.
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So you get let's go a bit of to and throw kid.
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Mum, me answers automatically. Yes, darling.
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Oh right, not my child. Q class collapsing in laughter.
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Yep, that's what happens. Or you might get the miss versus
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missus versus miss dilemma. I know I'm a missus because I'm
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actually married and I have been for a very long time now.
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Yep. So now I get either 2 responses.
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You go to a high school and you get called miss miss miss
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because they honestly just can't remember your name.
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And then when I go to each primary school, I get miss or
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missus depending on the grade because they forget and I will
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politely say Oh well, I'm a missus because I'm married.
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I have a husband so I get to be a missus.
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Wow, reply said child, you must be like 100, right?
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Thanks champ. I'm just going to hobble off
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over there to retirement because I'm done.
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Nah, you might get that a lot. I know I got called mum a lot
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and I still do, by quite a number of children, especially
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after a holiday break. And you think how many times
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have you called out to your mummy in the holidays, my
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darling? Because I feel like their name
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was very much overused. But I do love to answer because
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I think it's just as embarrassing for the child as it
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could be for the person that they're talking to.
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So I like to just name it up. It's a little bit funny then
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these are some good ones. I was actually sitting down with
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my mom talking about these things and saying, oh, mom, what
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what sort of what sort of comments did we we have when we
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were teaching from kids? Are there any that you could
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remember? And her response was probably
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not any that are appropriate, which is a little bit funny if
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you know my mom. But there is one that I do
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remember when I used to work in a school in particular and I was
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doing some relief at the time and my mom was there and my mom
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dyes her hair as do I Obviously you get that lovely bit of
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regrowth that starts coming out and quite often if you've had
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foils or just A1 colour, you get that nice when you part your
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hair. This the strip down the middle.
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Well, I can remember a small child politely saying to my
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mother, oh, I love your hair. It has a drag strip.
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Then proceeding to pick up his toy car and racing it down the
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top of her head. So yes, he thoroughly enjoyed
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the fact that she had a drag strip on her head.
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Then for me, so I can remember getting so my eyebrows are
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tattooed because I don't have any eyebrows like they're not
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non existent. So when I was teaching for a few
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years, I actually went and got my eyebrows tattooed.
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So that's that's an experience all in itself.
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If you, if you know, you know. Anyway, obviously with a tattoo,
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when you first get them done, they're really, really dark.
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So basically like angry bird energy.
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Like I had awesomely dark eyebrows.
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I didn't factor that in because I got them done in holidays, but
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I didn't factor in that it takes like a month for it to go back
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to normal. So when I went back to work
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teaching my grade 5-6 class, I still had my angry bird
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eyebrows, so I just owned it. I didn't really like, I'm not
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too faced, but I went and I obviously turned up to teach my
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class. The response from my kids was
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very interesting. But here I was pretending to
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just get on with my life and teach my beautiful class.
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And we're about to do a spelling test and one of the kids puts
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their hand up. Miss, Miss, are you OK?
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You look worried. And then another one puts their
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hand up and goes, actually, you look like Batman, but in a good
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way. Oh, excellent.
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So now I'm vigilante chic. This is great.
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I thought, Oh dear, I'm going to have to shut this down.
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So we started moving on and we started getting on with our
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spelling test. And then at the end, I went to
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ask a question and one of the boys, bless him, puts his hand
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up to answer my question. And I said yes, we'll just call
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him Jimmy. Yes, Jimmy.
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And he looks up at me and goes eyebrows and then looked back at
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me. And I went, pardon.
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And he goes, wait, what? Oh, oh, yeah.
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And then answered the question. But he got so embarrassed and
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the whole class just started laughing.
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And then, of course, you get the girls going.
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Yeah, Miss, what did happen to your eyebrows?
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So I just explained. I got my eyebrows tattooed.
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They're really dark at the moment.
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They're going to fall out. But that poor boy did not get
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over it. And the funniest thing was is he
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was in my grade 5-6 class that I followed to, excuse me, to grade
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7. So he still remembers that when
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I go teach you in grade 7 and moves on to high school.
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And I'm so sorry about that. But they were really dark.
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They were like scary like, yeah, I know.
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So I own that. But it was just those funny
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little moments that they they have no philtre.
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It just comes out the same as when they walked past you and
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you might have put on a few kilos after winter and you get
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the oh miss, are you having a baby?
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Nope, sorry. That's just leftover baby from
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2015 when I did have my 2 babies.
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So yes, I did have twins and I did have a bit of excess weight
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there. Then you get the flip side.
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So now I've lost a bit of weight getting ready for summer, and
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now I get the other side, which is oh, miss, you've got bones
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now. Bones now.
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Oh, I've actually had them the whole time.
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Fun plot. Plot.
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Can't talk. Fun plot twist there.
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My my own child actually did that to me too.
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She was looking at my collarbones because they mustn't
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have stuck out before. And she was what is that, mom?
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What do? What do they do?
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Like it's called your collarbone.
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You've got them too. Oh, you've never had those
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before. Kids, again, have no philtre.
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They are honestly like human Facebook posts, especially when
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it comes to their little tales from home.
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And again, keeping everyone anonymous here.
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But you have those children that come to school and oh, Miss Dad
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had so many sherbets last night that he was spewing over the
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deck rail when I got home, thought, yeah, I'm friends with
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that parent. I know what they were doing that
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night. Hi guys.
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But of course you don't say anything.
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You just politely say when they're pick up something about
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what may have been mentioned at class today or you get the my
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mom says that if the power bill goes up again, we're moving to
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Nana's. Thank you for that economic
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update, sweetie. I'm pretty sure we're nearly all
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in the same boat there. But you get them those little
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gems that we've all heard. Here's a few that some have.
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People have shared with me before too.
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When you're talking in the staff room like these little moments
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like stop sniffing the whiteboard marker.
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No, calculators do not go in mouths.
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Who stapled their sleeve to the display board?
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If you're bleeding, you do in fact need a band aid, not a
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sticker. A sticker is not a band aid.
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And you licking off your blood is gross.
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Homework isn't optional because Mercury is in retrograde.
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This was funny. This one was mentioned to me by
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a high school teacher because they had sent some work home and
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their parent had literally written a letter about the
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planets and how they weren't aligning so the homework was not
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completed. Nice try, nice try.
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We all try. Then, just to add to my high
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school experience, I think one of the hardest things that I had
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to deal with in that space was uniform because we had to wear
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uniform. It was like uniform protest. 101
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miss. Do I have to tuck in my shirt?
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This is microaggression. I feel like you're doing things
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to manipulate my brain by making me tuck in my shirt.
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Wow, that's just not even a thing.
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Sometimes I just look and go. I have no clue what you just
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said to me. I just smile and nod.
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Oh it's the uniform policy mate, sorry.
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And walk away. I was teaching one class and I
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was wearing like a leopard print blousey type thing and I got
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told, oh, that leopard print just gaslights the vibe in this
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room. Really.
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I don't know what, what do you kids come out with?
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Like what? Oh yeah your sneak is a slap for
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an old person. Oh thanks.
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Oh those earrings are TikTok call grandma.
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I love it. Is that a compliment or an
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insult because I have no clue. I get so lost.
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I think I just started writing things down to make it make
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sense or to ask chat GTP later. Like what?
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What is GAT? Please don't go Google that.
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I know what it is now, but it's those things where I was too
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embarrassed to be like, I don't know what that is.
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And I'm not going to. I'm just going to nod and
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pretend and be like, no, that's not OK.
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I was right to to know that it wasn't OK.
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But yeah, you sometimes you just need to be on TikTok to know
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what the high school kids are actually going to be talking
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about to make it make sense. Yep, That's just my advice
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there. Here's the last little bit rapid
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fire of things I thought I'd never say.
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Please remove the Lego from your nostril.
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We don't eat glitter. It exits looking the same.
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Stop air guitaring with my metre ruler.
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No, your Chromebook cannot marry her Chromebook.
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No, you can't vape essential oils at lunchtime and you can't
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vape at all. And yes, I can see you vaping
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under your shirt. What else would you have under
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there that then has little puffs of smoke coming out of your
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mouth after? Honestly.
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So how do you cope without losing your mind?
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You gotta laugh about it. That's why I thought I'd do this
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little mini episode to just give you a bit of a laugh.
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You might have some amazing laughable experiences or quotes
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that you'd like to share, so please feel free to send them in
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to me. I'd love to know what types of
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things you've encountered. As I said, I have a bit of a
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humour journal journal where I write down some of those
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ridiculous quotes because they do become comedy gold later.
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Sometimes you might need to take a deep breath and have a drink
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of water. I don't recommend doing them at
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the same time, nor do I recommend trying to have a drink
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of water when you're trying to hold back a laugh because it
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doesn't work well when it comes out your nose.
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Yep, again, speaking from experience.
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Share some of those little gems with your colleagues because
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laughter in the staff room is just free therapy.
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Maybe don't name everyone up though.
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And boundaries. Again, we've talked about
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boundaries before, but this one's for your kids in your
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class. Sometimes you need to set
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boundaries and say things like that sounds like a question for
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your Grown Ups at home. Then times that by 100 you can
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celebrate curiosity, even if it is ill timed.
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Curiosity about things like drag, strip, hair or words that
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you don't know the meaning of. But teachers and parents are
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like, I know you've got your own gems.
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I want them. So send them to me in Adm on
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Insta. Drop me a voice note.
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We can compile a Kids Say the Darnest Thing Classroom edition
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for a future episode maybe. But I hope it gave you a little
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bit of a laugh. This is certainly not all of the
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things that I have heard. These are just a few little ones
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that have happened to me and maybe my mom over the few few
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many I should say many years now of teaching.
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Please make sure you share it with a teacher mate who might
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need a smile. You can also I was going to say
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you can see pictures of my curtain rail wardrobe.
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If you want I could post them. I can post them on Instagram if
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you're interested. Please just let me know.
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Otherwise you I think you get the idea.
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The same as you can now picture my Batman brows, my angry bird
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eyebrows. No, they are nowhere near as
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dark as what they were. But I do have to get them topped
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up again. So I just make sure I plan that
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for summer when I'm not seeing millions of students.
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So remember, we might not be the only profession where we don't
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eat the glue and that is just a constant part of our dialogue.
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But that is also something that makes us legends.
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So I'll catch you next time. Legends stay aligned, keep
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thriving, and keep embracing the weird, especially those precious
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little Nuggets of gold. Talk to you next time.