Latest / HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
That Time Blackbeard Accidentally Invented Penicillin And Fucked Up Piracy Forever
Send us Fan MailThe infamously pox-riddled pirate’s desperate quest for a clean bill of health accidentally revolutionised medicine, horniness, and naval warfare. Let’s be honest, Edward Teach—you know him as Blackbeard, the guy whose beard was so epic it had its own zip code—was less a terror of the high seas and more a floating petri dish with a death wish. The historical record (a stained pub napkin I found in Bristol) is clear: the man collected STDs like they were rare stamps. By 1718, his nether regions were a goddamn rogue’s gallery of affliction, a veritable UN summit of venereal…
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