Latest / Neighbourly: Real Stories of Care and Community / The Wait Worth It | Part 1: Kathy's Path to International Adoption

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The Wait Worth It | Part 1: Kathy's Path to International Adoption · Neighbourly: Real Stories of Care and Community

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What does loving your neighbor actually look like? This
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is journey with care, where curious Canadians get inspired to
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love others well through real life stories and honest
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conversations.
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Hey, before starting this episode, I just wanted to give a special thank you to
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Marlin and Deb Peters for your generosity in helping keep the
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podcast going. If anyone else would like to help support the podcast, you can head
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over to Journeywithcare, CA, or just check the show notes in your podcast
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player. All right. Welcome to Journey with care. If
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you're wondering why you're not hearing Wendy on here, you
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will be in a few weeks, just for the start of the season. I've taken
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over a little bit. We just wrapped up three episodes where I was
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on with our adopted daughter, Danica. If you haven't listened to that
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episode, I encourage you to go back and listen to that one. It
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kind of leads into our next two episodes,
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which we will be interviewing our own Kathy Boschman. She's
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part of our care impact team. We are going to be delving into her
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story of adopting her and her husband's child
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internationally. Welcome to the podcast, Kathy. Thanks, Johan. It's
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so good to be here with you. Now, Kathy's been on the podcast before.
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I think maybe once or twice. Twice. Twice,
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yes. I've had the privilege. You're such a lovely guest, so it's always
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good to have you back on, and I know you have more stories to share.
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You have even stories about some of the work you've done with
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care portal. We'll find a way to get those out of you at some
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point. Maybe not in these interviews, but we really want to hear your story
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about adopting your son. I don't actually
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know much of the story. I've just heard bits and pieces in conversations with
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you, and I've met your son Sammy, and it'd be great to hear the
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story. Well, in this first episode, we'll focus on how you and your
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husband came to deciding to adopt and what that process
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was like and some of the supports and challenges along the
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way. And then maybe we'll talk about when you finally got to adopt
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and bring him home and actually go out there to get him and
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bring him back. I really want to hear that part of the story as well.
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So this first episode, I really want to focus on how you guys made
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that decision. So, Kathy, how far back would you
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say has adoption been something that has
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even come to mind for an option for you in the future?
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I think I didn't know a lot of adopted people, like
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when I was growing up or anything. But the idea of adoption never
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was a challenge for me. I know from growing up
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in the church community, there's folks I had adopted
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and were my friends. I don't think there was ever an
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opposition, but I never expected that would be part of our journey. I think
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what led us to that point, there's a lot of
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years in there. Eric and I were married. I
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guess we'd be called young now in our early twenty s, and I had
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always expected that we'd follow what I would
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consider the normal path and get married a couple of years later, have some
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kids. And that didn't happen for us. We actually dealt with
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infertility for over a decade. So
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that very difficult time led us to the place where we had
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to consider adoption because of medical reasons. That was our
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path that we were going to take. If you're willing
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to go there. Do you want to talk about what that season of infertility was
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like for that decade for you and your husband? Yeah,
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sure. It was obviously different for both of us. I was very
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eager to have family, children already, and Eric had his
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own place that he was at, but it was
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difficult. I still remember going into that,
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telling my, actually, two girlfriends that I worked with that
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they were both adopted, actually, and saying to them,
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wow, today marks 100 cycles that
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we haven't gotten pregnant. And that realization was,
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like, so disheartening that it's kind of hit
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this real significant marker. And I think what was the hardest
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was adoption. Wasn't. We weren't talking about adoption at that point.
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So it seemed like this was sort of where my story
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of longing to be a parent was
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kind of ending with unrealized dreams about becoming
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a parent. So it was very hard, depression. It was a very
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dark time. But even in the midst of that pain,
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I felt like my connection with
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God just was deepened somehow. Even
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though the temptation would be like to ask, where are you? And there
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were times where I was asking why? But in the midst of
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that, realizing that deep pain that I had within
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me, that his presence was there, he was in me,
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and it was a reminder of his presence in my life. And that kind of
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broke things open for me. And just being able to release this
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situation, these unmet dreams to him and
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longing for family, which I knew is something that he'd given
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me and part of who we are as humans, wanting
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to have offspring and raise family's very normal
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biological desire. But it was also a very
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emotional one for me. Now, I would imagine a lot of
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people that have similar experiences have gone through some
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challenges, even in their communities, where they're probably hearing questions
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like, when are you having kids? And why haven't you had kids
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yet? Those sorts of questions. So this podcast is about
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how we can love and care for our community and our neighbors better.
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I believe there are things that we can not do to also care for
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them better, and that is like asking those types of questions.
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Maybe tell us a little bit about what your experience was when you heard
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those sorts of things. What did that do to your heart,
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and how did that affect you guys emotionally? Yeah, for
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sure. Insensitive people just saying, what's wrong?
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Why aren't you kids? There were some very challenging times for
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me. I got to the point where I couldn't go to showers, baby showers
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anymore. Even for people who had also dealt with
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infertility and were excited that they were pregnant, it was just
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so difficult. Mother's Day, very difficult.
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One Mother's Day that was particularly helpful
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was when they were honoring all the mothers and grandmothers
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and that they invited anyone who was longing to be a mother
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but hadn't yet been able to conceive or become a
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mother, to invited them also to come receive a
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rose or whatever it was. I remember telling people in
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my community and others dealing with infertility about that.
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They're just floored. They were like, what church do you go to? I want to
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come. That had been just so meaningful, and I think for
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people to understand when you can't go to those kind of
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events because it's too painful, just the
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acknowledgment, I think that is a very helpful thing for people
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going through that kind of pain. And not just first time
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infertility. A lot of women, families, couples struggle with
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secondary infertility. Like, they can have one child, but for some whatever
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reason, they don't conceive again or can't conceive again. And equally,
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I'm sure that's equally as painful and can be
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acknowledged, and that's. A beautiful picture of how a church is
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caring for those that are struggling with infertility. And just
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the way you're speaking. That reminds me of our last interview of season
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two with Rebecca on singleness, on how the church
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celebrates a lot of the things that couples have in marriage,
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showers and all those sorts of things. And as single individuals,
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they don't get that as well. So how can we care for these ones that
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can't necessarily have those same experiences as a lot of
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people would say are normal, right? Okay.
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So coming back to our original question, when did you make that decision
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that you wanted to adopt? What was that conversation like? How did that
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come? It was. It was interesting. I think there
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was a lot of things at play. Eric's
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brother and wife were also dealing with infertility at the same
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time for other reasons than our own,
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and they started that process. And so I
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think them working through that really
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helped us emotionally consider that
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we did look at fostering as an option to,
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while we waited to have our own, as the
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saying goes, we looked into that and actually did
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the training or orientation and kind of realized, no, we
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really want to be parents. We love children, but
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being a parent is what we wanted. And I so honor
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anybody that has chosen to foster because it's an
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incredible. I just am amazed at people who open their homes
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and hearts to be able to move in that sphere. After we went
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to the orientation and honestly checked it out, we just felt like, no, we want
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to parent children. We looked at local adoption,
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and there is one agency adoption
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options, and we went through all their orientation and home
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studies and whatnot, and for whatever reason,
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we were not chosen by birth parents to become
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parent to their children. We had our name looked
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at, I think, seven times in two years that we had our name with
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them. And even before we had signed up, I said to Eric, I said,
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two years. I don't think I can go beyond two years. If
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that isn't working, I would like to go
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for an international. Do you have a little bit of information on how that process
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actually works with that adoption agency? I was just curious about how that worked.
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You were chosen. So what was their selection process?
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In the process of applying and doing
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home studies and whatnot, you also put a little photo album and a
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write up about yourself and your family and things you enjoy.
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You value some of your family history. Then
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when birth parents, typically mom, but sometimes there's
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father involved, will come in, they've decided to place their child for
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adoption. They will be shown, I think
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it's several of these different
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albums, photo albums, we'll call them, and then they can look
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at those and they can choose a family within that
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or consider placing their child with. So
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really, that's all there is to sort of say, hey,
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choose me. I would love to parent your child. The beauty
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of the adoption options is that you can make it as open or closed
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as both couples or both birth and
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adoptive families are comfortable with. And so there can be
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relationship between the child and the birth family,
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which is a beautiful thing for the child, just to be able to
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know where they came from. And be loved
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by both families. Okay, so you guys are on the waiting list for two
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years, you said, and then you decide, you know what? Maybe
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we need to look internationally. So that comes
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up in conversation. Where do you start? Does that feel
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overwhelming when you make that decision? I think I'd been in it for
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so long, and even just making the decision to adopt,
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even to put our name forward locally, I think that's where the big
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crux was to make that final decision. I
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mentioned Eric's brother and sister in law. They did an
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international adoption, and so that
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really solidified it for
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Eric, for sure. When they sent us
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photos of our niece and nephew for the first time,
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when we got those, Eric, just like, he was in love
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with them. What country were they from? Kazakhstan. They're
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from in
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realizing, wow, these are my brother's
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kids, and I love them. Whether they're born of his body
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or come to them through adoption, he realized, wow, love
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doesn't have a barrier. And so I
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think in that realization, it's like, okay, I'm ready. Let's
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go. Let's do this. It really confirmed for us
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that that was a good way to grow our family. And
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there was some trepidation with family members.
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There were some that weren't sure about
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adopting from Africa in particular. I think
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some people maybe had to work through some underlying
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racism or having grown up in a culture
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that having biracial family
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was not as acceptable in that
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generation or as was completely uncommon, I
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think, in the generation. Do you feel like you needed to have those
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conversations with them to convince them or what was
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that like? Yeah. Eric and I each had a family member
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that had a challenge with it, and I remember speaking with in
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my family, it was my father, and
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he honestly just wanted to understand. I'm not sure if it was so much racism
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as what's the difference between adoption and
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slavery? And just trying to
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understand, I think honestly understand
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the motivation for us. Right. And so
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just being able to say to him, we
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were at the cottage at the time and
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helping him to understand my deep desire to have
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children and saying to him,
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dad, if you didn't have kids, you'd be sitting here alone
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all by yourself at the cottage.
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And from that moment on, he never asked me again.
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He never questioned it. He understood.
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You felt some support from him from that point.
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Yeah, I did. I mean, he loved,
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like, there was no doubt about
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know, just seeing him connect with Sammy
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as best as he could. He knew how and
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real a bond between know. Neither of
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them were really big talkers. But I knew that
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there was that connection with them over
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a few different things. I think that was a really important conversation to have,
14:44
just to settle it in his mind that
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adoption isn't about owning somebody,
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it's about being in relationship with somebody
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and that it's a mutual thing.
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Not wanting to be heroes wasn't about us
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marching in, oh, we're going to save this person's life.
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This child's life never entered our mind. It was
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very selfish reasons that we adopted. We wanted
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to be parents, and this was a way, and we knew that there was a
15:16
child out there who wanted to be part of a family.
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So it was totally mutual and remains
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mutual. The joy, the
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love that we experience together as a family is
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irreplaceable. For those of you that have listened
15:34
to my episodes of Danica, we are saying the same thing. We
15:38
didn't feel like the heroes bringing in this adult
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that needed to have that father heart in her
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life. She brought value when she came into her home
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just as much as we brought value to her. It was a
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mutual gift from the lord, and
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that's really what it is. So, other than your
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brother in law, what about those family members and community that
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surrounded you and encouraged you along the way? What kind
16:07
of things would they say to you and how did they encourage
16:10
you in this process? I had
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met a woman through our adoption
16:18
agency, and she and I walked
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thousands of kilometers together weekly. We'd be out
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two, three times a week, walking and talking. And
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that was sanity for me.
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Having somebody who, one understood the challenges
16:36
of infertility and adoption and the weight
16:40
and all the effort that
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it really takes to adopt internationally.
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So that whole mental health piece was huge, having that
16:51
person. We had dozens of people praying for
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us. I remember when we hit the ten year mark of dealing
16:59
with infertility, doing a family photo, just Eric and I,
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and sending that out to our church community,
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whom we knew was praying for us and wanting to
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help us meet to become parents. It's always a
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tough thing to know. Like, people don't want to ask you all the time
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you're pregnant because there's so much disappointment. But you
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also do appreciate the times when people are just
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willing to say, hey, we're thinking about you
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walking through this difficulty. And we had very
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supportive small group. I remember times when I couldn't go to small
17:35
group. It was just too difficult. And one in particular where
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one of the leaders, she came over, like when I called and said, I just
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can't come, she says, I'll be right over and walked and
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came over to be with me in our own little small group while the rest
17:50
carried on with their time together. So
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how important would you say are those support systems around you, like, having a
17:57
small group and a spiritual community just to help you
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guys through that process? Would you be adopting if you didn't have that? How much
18:05
harder would have that? Oh, I can't
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imagine not having had that kind of support and
18:12
people alongside family members. Like I said, eric's
18:16
brother and his wife, having been through it themselves and having
18:19
had their example of how they processed it and
18:24
seeing how their life had changed and how challenging it was to be able
18:28
to prepare us mentally, emotionally, spiritually for the
18:31
changes that we were experiencing and what was
18:35
coming. And that was huge. So
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community connection with other people, having gone
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through it, just really important, and I can't
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imagine having done it without them. What are some of those first steps that you
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had to take when going through this international adoption
18:53
process? For our local adoption process, we
18:57
had already done a home study, but thankfully they allowed us to
19:00
use some of that for our second home study. We
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had to update it, obviously, but home study can be
19:08
very scary. Going into it, you hear a lot. Of the
19:11
negative stuff. Yeah, like, oh, quick, we got to fix the house
19:15
before. But it's not about the house.
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It's about your family, it's about your relationship,
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and it's a lot of talking, it's
19:26
a lot of working through things together as a couple.
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How are you going to parent? How were you parented? How are you going
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to parent? How do you resolve conflict in your marriage
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and so many different aspects that you
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have to think about. I have said to. Well, I've said
19:45
to many people, if everybody had to go through that process
19:49
before they get pregnant, there would be a whole lot less
19:52
kids in the world because it is daunting.
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I'm sorry for any of you out there who are thinking about adopting, but
20:00
it's just a lot. It's daunting in the sense that
20:04
having to dig up through all to think through those
20:07
things that you aren't forced to think through just in regular, day to
20:11
day relating with your spouse, maybe it's like going through
20:15
therapy. So it's good in that way, right? Make sure
20:19
you are on the same page for how you're going to move forward. So would
20:22
you say that process was helpful or was it a
20:26
little too complicated? I think it was helpful
20:30
in the sense that you do get to be on the same
20:33
page and understanding, wow, we have different
20:37
approaches or, oh, we are more on the same pages than we thought we
20:40
were. Especially when things as, you know, as a parent,
20:44
that things get kind of rough. And it's just like, well, how are we
20:48
going to handle this? And having had those conversations
20:51
earlier is super beneficial, for sure. So that is just
20:55
one aspect, but the other one is the mountain of paperwork
20:58
is challenging. I mean, like I said, it's
21:02
been years ago already that we did the initial paperwork,
21:06
but it feels like you're constantly
21:09
submitting forms and writing things and
21:13
updating things as you're the. I think when we
21:16
started till Sammy came home was at least four
21:20
years. Like, started with local adoption. Right. And then it
21:23
was maybe four and a half years in the midst of
21:27
our adoption. Something very unusual happened was
21:31
that we actually had a child placed with us before
21:34
Sammy. And the only second time
21:38
in the history of our adoption agency, the birth mother changed her
21:41
mind, which was so hard. It was like a death.
21:45
I have never had a miscarriage, but I'm guessing it was probably
21:49
very close to what family would
21:53
parents would experience with the loss of an unborn child.
21:56
It was so hard. And I remember where I was when
22:00
I got the phone call. The beautiful part
22:04
of that whole pain was
22:07
that evening. I remember our house group leaders at the time, and one
22:11
of our pastors and his wife, who are friends of ours, came over and just
22:15
sat with us. And just like, as we all just kind of shook our
22:19
heads, like, what happened? We
22:22
thought we were at the end of our weight. And
22:26
then to have that child taken from us as well
22:30
was so hard. So did that
22:34
bump in the road, did that kind of make you guys
22:37
rethink the whole process? No, we
22:41
were. No, we
22:45
didn't let that deter us from our
22:48
desire. And seeing that dream come true. And within
22:52
three months, they had found another Sammy for us
22:56
to come. And I just look back and say, yeah,
23:01
beautiful for that child that they got to grow up
23:04
with their birth mom, birth family. Like I should be celebrating. While
23:08
I was grieving this loss, I
23:12
only more recently realizing, wow, what a wonderful
23:15
thing for that little person that they got to grow up
23:19
in their hometown with their family
23:23
throughout their life till now. And we would not
23:26
have Sammy. Like, he wouldn't have joined our family. And we really
23:30
believe that he was, can we say,
23:34
destined to be our son. God knew who we needed,
23:37
and he knew who Sammy needed, and he brought us
23:41
together. How did that come about in determining
23:44
which child would be brought into your home? With the
23:47
international adoption, there is no
23:51
choice. As far as from in the program we were
23:55
in, they basically send
23:59
you a profile and say, hey, how about this one? When you
24:02
apply on there, you say, what age of child
24:06
you would like to adopt. You say, what your
24:10
physical limitations that you'd be open to,
24:14
whether it was heart issues or lung issues.
24:18
It really feels weird filling out this form saying, yeah, I'm okay
24:22
if there's epilepsy, and no, I'm not okay if there's diabetes.
24:25
I'm okay for there's this. And not that. It just
24:29
feels very wrong when you're. Doing it, especially as
24:33
a believer, right where you see everybody has intrinsic
24:36
value that the Lord has placed in them. I don't
24:39
know how I would even navigate that. That must have been difficult for you
24:43
guys. Yeah, it was. And they really coached you
24:47
through it when you're going for the adoption. Well, our agency
24:50
did, too. And just saying, really trying to help us. Don't
24:54
feel bad. Just write what possibilities you are
24:58
open to. And for some, they might not be willing to deal
25:02
with any physical limitations. Eric being a nurse, we were very
25:05
open to it. With his medical background, we weren't
25:09
intimidated by that possibility. So maybe we're a little bit more open than
25:13
other people. I don't know. But, yeah, that
25:16
was one piece. And then immigration is another part of the
25:20
process. So once you get connected with a child, place with
25:24
a child, then more waiting happens. So
25:28
we knew about Sammy. We said yes to him,
25:32
the profile he gave us, and then that sort of sets
25:35
off another process. He needs to go to a
25:39
doctor. He needs. Gets approved by the canadian
25:42
government to be able to come live here, that his medical needs aren't
25:46
so big that they wouldn't be willing to take care of
25:49
him. Canadians are not allowed to adopt children with
25:53
AIDS or HIV who are HIV positive or
25:56
weren't at that time. How old was Sammy when his name came
26:00
into your hands? He must have been three and a half months
26:04
old. And where was he living at the time? Our
26:07
adoption agency had a children's home in
26:11
Adisaba in Ethiopia, and so it was run
26:14
by staff whom we had hired. And there is
26:18
a power of attorney. The director becomes a power of
26:21
attorney for the families that are adopting. And they
26:25
have a nurse on, like, 24 hours. There's
26:29
a nurse or nurses, I'm not sure, in the home. And they had a doctor
26:33
who would always come in just for those kids. So it
26:36
was run as if it was a Canadian.
26:40
Well, as canadian as it could be. The expectations that
26:43
Canadians would have on taking care of children. So they did
26:47
a really good job with the children. Now, next
26:51
episode we're going to get into. When you actually get to meet him,
26:55
we'll get into that story. Two more things. First of all,
26:59
you guys get all your paperwork in. The decision has been
27:02
made. What's the feeling like with those that have been supporting
27:06
you and surrounding you in prayer this whole time?
27:09
I'm sure they were relieved as much as we were
27:13
excited. Yeah. It would have been a community
27:17
celebration to know that the paperwork had
27:21
all been done and we'd been received our referral for
27:24
Sammy and that we'd said yes. Just as
27:28
excited as they were. The first time was probably even greater excitement.
27:31
The second time with some trepidation on all our parts that this would
27:35
actually happen because it was a good ten months before we actually
27:39
went to Ethiopia on the whole immigration process
27:43
taking place during that time. All right, and we'll end with
27:46
this. If you got to go back to
27:50
that time when you guys decided to adopt, what piece of advice
27:54
do you wish someone would have given you or even words of encouragement that you
27:57
would have liked to hear at that time? I think what comes to my
28:01
mind is that it will be worth the wait. As
28:05
hard as this is, it will be worth the wait.
28:08
That's beautiful. All right, so next week we're going to get
28:12
into when you actually get to meet Sammy, that little bit of adventure
28:16
that you got to go on. I know when I first met you, we talked
28:19
about Ethiopia because I did some study on Ethiopia
28:23
and some of the cultural aspects and the Ark of the Covenant, things like
28:27
that that I was really into. I'm still into that stuff, but
28:30
we're not going to get into that next week. But we'll talk about your adventure,
28:34
going and meeting Sammy. Awesome. So until next week,
28:39
thank you for joining another conversation on journey with care,
28:43
where we inspire curious Canadians on their path of faith
28:47
and living life with purpose in community. Journey with Care is an
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initiative of Care Impact, a canadian charity dedicated to
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connecting and equipping the whole church to journey well in community.
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You can visit their website at Careimpact, CA or visit
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curious. You.