Latest / Spinning the Light Podcast / Tough Decisions

Transcript

Tough Decisions · Spinning the Light Podcast

0:00
Hello and welcome to two girls in the pod.
0:02
I'm Sharon. I'm Christy and we are doing our
0:06
first video cast. So we hope you guys enjoy it.
0:10
But today's topic is it's kind of a little bit more of a
0:14
serious topic. It's kind of something that
0:18
we're going through and and I think even more so you're going
0:21
through. I'm just hopefully being
0:23
supportive of it. Yeah.
0:27
So my my mom has been really ill, She's in the final stages
0:35
of liver failure and has been going through this for quite
0:43
some time. It's been quite a battle.
0:46
So we decided to talk a little bit about that because I think
0:50
that when it comes to end of life decisions and things like
0:55
that. Sometimes it's a little bit
0:57
difficult to navigate that well. I think that sometimes to know
1:02
when is the right time and what is quality of life look like.
1:07
You know, all of those things that we've talked about that
1:10
have been really tough conversations to have and and
1:13
knowing that we're not the only people who this is going on
1:17
with. Right.
1:19
And I think, you know, I mean, I have my brothers that I.
1:26
Can talk to and ask them questions and things like that
1:30
and some people are you know don't even have that but it's
1:34
good to have other people's input sometimes and but I know
1:39
that it's a it's a struggle for people.
1:42
I mean to know what to do and to navigate that My my mom's
1:45
situation she's has a lot of confusion and things like that
1:50
that's happening. So, I mean, we talked about, you
1:53
know, some of the things that she would want.
1:56
But just like I say when it comes down to it and people are
2:00
asking you questions and that you always want to make the
2:02
right decision for that person and it's difficult when it's not
2:07
your yourself. You know when I think the other
2:12
thing that is so hard is you know, always wanting to respect
2:17
somebody's wishes, you know, because there's emotion in that.
2:21
There's a lot of emotion for you.
2:24
Exactly. And I know I have.
2:27
I've talked before about my dad passed back in like 2007 and
2:35
when he was, he had pancreatic cancer.
2:40
And when he was going through that process, certain decisions
2:44
that he had to make and they had to ask him, you know, about as
2:47
far as treatment and things like that and.
2:51
He came to us and asked questions too, like, you know,
2:55
what would you do if it was you? And we both had to have that
2:58
serious conversation with him about, and you have to like,
3:03
take yourself out of it because, you know, you want to say, well,
3:07
I want you to be here as long as you can.
3:09
Exactly. But you have to remember that
3:11
they're the ones that are going through that.
3:14
And I think the other thing that's important to realize is,
3:17
is the personality of that, that individual.
3:20
Because for your dad, he was such an active individual as my
3:24
dad was. They were always out doing stuff
3:26
and things like that. And you know when he had that
3:29
conversation with me, which I was really honored because in in
3:34
the the years I've been with you, your dad and I didn't have
3:38
a lot of those moments where we were actually just alone
3:41
talking. So it was a little bit
3:43
different. But, and I remember I told him,
3:46
I said, you are such an active person.
3:49
If you do this, it will prolong your life.
3:53
But I don't know if you're going to have that same degree of
3:55
activity. And if you don't have that same
3:58
degree of activity, what is that going to be like for you?
4:02
Exactly. So they were asking him if he
4:05
wanted to do the treatments and that and you know told him all
4:10
of the side effects and things that were going to happen and.
4:13
So when he came in and talked to me about that, even I was like,
4:17
you know, I as much as I want to hear, I said I don't want you to
4:22
suffer any more than you have to.
4:24
And if you know that does not improve your quality of life,
4:29
that's something you have to take into consideration.
4:32
And I think the difference was too is you could have that
4:34
conversation with them. Whereas because your mom is
4:36
really full of a lot of confusion and stuff and she's
4:40
not at that place to make those decisions, that decision making
4:43
has fallen on you. For me with my mom, my my mom
4:47
did go into Hospice care. And you know one of the things
4:50
is is her was so advanced her age.
4:53
You know, we you, you look at you age plays a role in that all
4:57
of these things and where is it at with that?
5:01
The the thing with your mom is she really doesn't want any more
5:05
treatment. She's she's tired, you know, she
5:10
doesn't want the scope. She doesn't want that.
5:12
And I get it. And and and being respectful of
5:14
that I think is really important.
5:17
Exactly. I mean, because you know, as
5:19
someone that loves and cares about the person, you want to
5:24
say, hey, there's all these treatments that can be done or
5:28
things like that. But you have to realize when the
5:30
person that is going through it is tired and you know she has
5:34
been struggling with this for some time, so she's been adamant
5:37
that she doesn't want it to. Continue with, you know, the
5:40
scopes and all the things that they would have to do to help
5:44
her to even sustain, you know, where she's at.
5:48
And so it's been a really difficult road and to know what
5:55
to do. I appreciate that I have such
5:58
great support in my life. Well and I think it there's
6:03
there's just so many variables that go into it.
6:06
You know and like I said how do we respect somebody's wishes and
6:11
you know and it's and I know it's difficult even for the
6:13
doctors because she she doesn't want any more treatment and and
6:17
as the doctor I think he says I can do these treatments and I
6:20
think they will work and I think they will make it better.
6:24
But she's just not there. And, you know, and and so I get
6:27
it. So it's kind of walking this
6:29
really weird line because the only treatment she wants right
6:33
now is blood transfusions because she, her body's no
6:35
longer making blood the way that it's supposed to.
6:38
So every few days she has to go get blood transfusions in order
6:42
to to live, basically. Yeah.
6:47
And that's what they've said. You know, I mean, it's already
6:51
to the degree that they have talked about Hospice.
6:55
I appreciate what those people do.
6:56
They were great for my dad, but. It's the doctor has said that
7:04
you know without these transfusions she would probably
7:07
suffer And so we've decided to continue on with that for now,
7:13
not knowing if that's going to continue to have the benefit
7:17
that it does now because they've explained that over time how the
7:21
body accepts that it. It's not your blood.
7:24
So it's a little bit different. So and because it's been
7:27
happening for a while, apparently the body develops
7:30
like antibodies to the the blood that they're giving to the blood
7:34
that they're giving and then it's like you have to go find
7:36
another match. And you know we had that
7:38
conversation with the doctor and what really appreciate that he
7:43
spent so much time talking to us and and helping us to understand
7:47
this and also appreciating that his hands are tied with a lot of
7:51
things as far as the treatment goes.
7:54
And but even with that, you know, we talked about quality of
7:57
life, you know and and The thing is is so does that look like if
8:02
she has to have a transfusion every other day than the quality
8:06
because when she doesn't have those transfusions she has more
8:10
confusion. She has.
8:13
It's not a pleasant experience for her.
8:15
Well, a lot of times she sleeps, she gets so weak because the
8:19
blood levels are so low, so she's not able to interact and
8:24
have that quality of life unless she has the transfusion.
8:27
So when she has them, because this has been going on for a
8:32
while, the effects of it lasts for less time, but it gives her
8:36
those opportunities to laugh and visit, you know, her brother
8:41
goes to visit her. Quite often.
8:44
And he'll always call me and she gets to talk to me on the phone
8:47
and even though there's so much confusion and she she gets lost
8:53
and. And that I don't mind because
8:56
she's still laughing and there's still you know life there.
9:01
And I know it was hard for you when I when I had the
9:03
conversation with you about you know, because we had tried
9:07
talking with her the day before or something and the nurse was
9:10
so great to do a video call with us and she couldn't stay awake.
9:16
It was yeah. So it was really difficult And
9:19
then you know your your uncle goes and then she's having that
9:22
good time and where she was laughing and and there but and
9:26
then I asked you I says well how good is quality of life.
9:30
You know, is it if we get that time where we get to laugh for
9:32
an hour and then the rest of the time we're, you know, sleeping
9:37
or not really there or, you know, I think those are that's
9:43
such hard stuff. And and I know it was a hard
9:45
question for you because what does that quality look like?
9:50
Well, I think the alternative though to me, I feel like it's
9:54
important for now. I know that the blood
9:57
transfusions may not continue to have the same effect and we may
9:59
have to change that plan. No, I meant when I asked you
10:03
that question about how much time is that quality, then you
10:06
kind of set back and you thought about that too.
10:10
You know, she's only having 5 minutes.
10:13
Is that, is that enough based on this, what's going on internally
10:17
and even that it was hard for the doctor to answer because
10:20
she's refusing scopes and treatment and all of those
10:24
things with the gastroenterology and hematology?
10:26
Yeah, It's hard to know what's going on internally with her
10:29
when you know when your blood gets to a certain level and then
10:32
it drops and does all of that. It's it.
10:34
I just can't imagine it's not doing something right, you know?
10:38
Yeah. And all of it is relevant and
10:40
it's and it's like I said not easy to know the right decisions
10:45
to make and that. But I I feel confident about
10:48
this for the for the time being and like I say that may change
10:53
in the future and I guess I have to give a little.
10:56
Background to let people know she doesn't, obviously, she
10:59
doesn't live where I live. We've been in Colorado for years
11:03
now and and operate our own business here and that and she's
11:08
in her home state of Alabama. She moved back there about three
11:13
years ago or so. Yeah, something like that.
11:16
So it's it's been really difficult because of the
11:20
distance and that and she can no longer live independently in
11:24
that. So she lives in a nursing home.
11:26
It started out as an assisted living and then couldn't get her
11:30
rehabilitated, rehabilitated. So then so now she has she lives
11:35
there and that's been a difficult thing for you as well.
11:39
And I think there's a lot of these things.
11:41
And I, and once again I know that you know when it comes to
11:44
Hospice care and when it comes to people that we love being in
11:48
those situations of of their health declining and that that
11:53
there's a lot of people out there who have had these
11:55
experiences and many who are probably going through that
11:58
right now. Yeah.
11:59
And it's such a struggle emotionally because like after,
12:04
you know, she had a few falls and that is how she ended up in
12:07
the nursing facility to begin with and needing to do the
12:10
rehabilitation. But then her decline in the
12:14
situation has kept her there and she's at the point that she's
12:19
not able to. Be moved to a long for a long
12:23
distance or that because she at first had talked to me and
12:26
wanted to come back to Colorado and I would have loved to have
12:29
made that happen. And we did.
12:31
We looked into it and it was like the base rate was $23,000
12:35
to fly around. To do a private medical
12:39
transport, that's how you would have to do it.
12:41
And that's not even with the approval of the doctors or
12:45
anything like that. But we said that we would do it
12:48
and we wanted to honor that and and look into it and but her
12:53
levels dropped so fast. You know that just a lot of that
12:57
health stuff that's going on that I think is really impacting
13:03
a lot of decision making, you know and.
13:06
And I think that people have to understand that too.
13:09
And I know in my situation there was a time, you know, that I
13:14
really struggled with. There's family and friends.
13:17
They're concerned. And I know that they were
13:22
looking at the situation like there's all the distance in
13:24
between you, you know, is there anything that you could do to to
13:29
change that, you know, or that? So I feel like that and I'm sure
13:33
it was me putting pressure on myself, not thinking am I, am I
13:38
being supportive enough? Am I doing enough?
13:41
Because others may think that I should be able to change the
13:46
situation. But.
13:48
Really. I it's not in my control.
13:51
And I think the other thing that's really important is we
13:54
never wanted her to move back, you know, but we had to honor
13:59
and respect her decision to move back, right.
14:03
You know, and it's not like we, you know, you can't go back and
14:06
undo what's been done and and it's just a matter of how do you
14:10
respect those decisions and choices by people.
14:14
That's where we we kind of had to get to because I saw what it
14:19
did to you. And so I was there like, hey,
14:21
you know, we'll make this happen.
14:23
We'll do what we have to, to make it happen to where she
14:25
could stay here. But at the end of the day, it
14:27
was her choice to go back and to live her life in Alabama.
14:33
Yeah, Yeah. So it's made it really difficult
14:36
because it's from a distance. I mean, I've traveled back and
14:40
so. I've seen her when I can and
14:44
talk to her as much as I can, but it's been it's been hard
14:49
because of the distance and that and like I say, me being in a
14:55
situation where that they're asking me the questions, you
14:57
know, what does she want and what should we do?
15:01
And so that's been difficult to navigate and I think that's so
15:05
that's such a a tremendous amount of pressure on people
15:09
because of that emotional peace that because the person who's
15:13
making those decisions, it's not like logic always plays a role
15:16
in it. There's so much emotion in it.
15:19
You know, this is your mom and and even currently she's back in
15:23
the hospital again. One of the things is, is with
15:27
this disease, the ammonia levels get too high and that creates a
15:32
lot of confusion for her as well.
15:34
So she's back in the hospital right now and they're working to
15:40
bring down her ammonia levels once again.
15:42
And and it's just par for the course with this particular
15:45
disease, you know, And so that makes it hard because it's like
15:50
she's up, she's down, she's up, she's down.
15:52
So when she's down and you almost think it's easier to make
15:57
those kind of decisions, but then she's up.
16:00
So then it's like, whoa, wait a minute, I I it just messes with
16:02
your head it really so much. Yeah, because then the next time
16:06
I have a conversation with her and she's laughing and even
16:08
though there's confusion, you know, it feels, it feels like
16:13
her. Yeah, exactly.
16:15
And it's like there she is. And I I just, you know, want to
16:20
maintain that for as long as we can.
16:24
And I mean I that makes so much sense to me.
16:27
And I think that when people look at that, you know, those
16:30
are the things that I think always make it so difficult.
16:34
It was interesting because even with your dad, we had been there
16:38
visiting and that Saturday we went out, we did all these
16:42
things to the flea market. We went and had dinner.
16:46
We had this great time. And then we left Saturday
16:49
morning, and by the time we left Saturday morning, he couldn't
16:52
get out of bed, right. It's it's, it's that fast for
16:55
people. Yeah.
16:56
And then he didn't. They put him into Hospice and he
16:59
didn't last very long. So we drove back to Colorado.
17:03
Then there was, what, just a couple, three weeks or something
17:06
like that? I don't.
17:08
We we made so many trips back and forth during that time.
17:11
And then it was time to drive back to Alabama again.
17:14
Yeah, and I think it's the emotion, it's the confusion even
17:19
on the part, on your part, and confused because like I said,
17:22
when you talked to her and when we talked to her the day before
17:25
and she was just not responsive at all, it was really hard.
17:30
So it looks like this, this is the end doom and gloom.
17:35
And then her brother goes there the next day or day after and
17:39
she's laughing and stuff, so. Yeah, and telling me she had
17:42
been working in the kitchen. We do get to laugh a lot.
17:47
She's laughing at that point too, so you know.
17:50
But some of the stuff she says, and it's funny, 'cause when she
17:54
she can't remember a word or she throws another word word in,
17:58
it's like she catches herself. Yeah, sometimes she does.
18:01
And she'll she'll think, well, that wasn't right.
18:04
She'll be saying something. She threw in file or something.
18:06
Yeah. So we're still, we're still able
18:10
to laugh at some stuff, but you know end of life making
18:15
decisions when when to put somebody in Hospice and because
18:21
you know when when it goes into Hospice that it really is the
18:26
end. It's not.
18:28
It's not one of those things where somebody comes out of that
18:31
that I know of. You know, I mean it's about
18:34
making them comfortable and as possible.
18:36
And yeah, so it's been and I guess we wanted to share this
18:42
with the audience because once again, we know that there are
18:45
people out there who are probably in the same situation
18:50
who are really trying to navigate this and just know
18:53
you're not alone, that you know it's it's a tough, tough place
18:58
to be in. Yes.
19:00
And understanding that, you know, people have talked a lot
19:05
to me about what we call radical acceptance and basically
19:12
understanding that. There are things that are
19:15
completely out of our control and as much as we want to change
19:19
them, we're not able to. And even in those times, still
19:24
having to make those decisions And as difficult as it can be.
19:30
I think, like I said, even for myself or anybody, I think we
19:34
put more pressure on ourselves than we even realize because
19:37
we're constantly, like I said, wondering if we're doing enough.
19:41
Or wondering if other people think we're not doing enough.
19:44
And sometimes even the questions that they ask makes you feel
19:48
like you think I'm not doing enough, you know?
19:51
But it's you that you, you take those things personally, even
19:55
when they're probably not intended to be.
19:57
You know, people are just talking to you out of concern or
20:00
things like that. And you have to remember that.
20:03
And it's hard sometimes because you are in such an emotional
20:06
state and you are making such hard decisions.
20:10
And I think that's the thing. They are very difficult
20:12
decisions and being able to have that radical acceptance for what
20:18
those decisions mean and that and the radical acceptance that
20:21
it is your decisions. You know, even when you talk to
20:24
her brother, he always says whatever you decide.
20:28
Yeah, you know, I. Appreciate that he's always,
20:30
which is good and it's like OK, but I would like to meet.
20:33
Yeah, right. Yeah, so.
20:35
But I understand it and and it and once again, it's so
20:40
difficult to know what is the best decision.
20:45
Not right or wrong, because it's not a moral judgement.
20:47
It really isn't. However, everybody, anybody
20:50
makes that determination and stuff.
20:52
It's not a moral judgement in the least, but how do I make the
20:56
best decision for somebody that I care about?
21:00
And nobody likes the suffering that I think is the biggest
21:04
thing is nobody likes to see those people suffer.
21:08
And having patience with yourself.
21:11
And still taking care of yourself through that time.
21:13
Because sometimes, like I said, when it's out of your control,
21:16
you feel like you want to be there, but you can't for
21:18
whatever reason, whether it's work or or whatever's going on.
21:23
Sometimes you feel like there's almost a guilt associated or
21:27
those kind of things. But you have to be patient with
21:30
yourself and kind and realize you know you're doing your best
21:35
and you know it's been we've had our moments with it because
21:39
sometimes you get very not emotional.
21:43
If I don't know if it's that you kind of go into your own head
21:46
and then you might become distant or you might become more
21:50
argumentative or and then remembering though it because
21:55
she's the one, this is her mom. And so it's realizing that this
22:01
is your process, but also reminding her you're not in this
22:05
alone. You know, when I remember with
22:08
my mom, I would have that. I would have those moments where
22:12
I was just totally emotional and but at the same time.
22:17
So not only was my mom in Hospice and this happening and
22:21
and I'm very grateful because she was in Hospice with my
22:24
sister and I'm very grateful for that and but we didn't have her
22:31
long. Once she went in Hospice, I
22:33
think it was like 5 weeks, but I remember it's like every time
22:38
you hear the phone ring or the Ding of your thing I told I
22:41
haven't told you, I said. So I had to go change my thing
22:44
after my mom passed because I couldn't.
22:47
Your message. I could not do it.
22:49
It was. It was just so hard on me, but
22:53
very grateful. Every time she called and talked
22:56
to me, even if it was for a few minutes, I didn't care.
22:58
She didn't have the strength. A lot of times I didn't care.
23:02
I appreciate it. Kind of like you say, every time
23:04
you have those moments, it matters.
23:08
And then you think, oh, OK, she's OK and but there's that
23:11
other part of you that know she's not always.
23:13
It's it's such a weird thing. But I even remember in that in
23:17
all of my emotional stuff, you know, sometimes being distant or
23:22
whatever, because I had to hold everything together because I
23:25
still was working that entire time.
23:27
So I'm doing therapy and I'm telling you right now, the
23:31
universe has a sense of humor or something.
23:33
I don't know what it is, but I had at that time an influx of
23:37
people dealing with grief and loss.
23:39
And out there, like, are you kidding me?
23:42
You know, it was, it was hard because, you know, still going
23:45
there, because I still have an obligation to the people that I
23:48
serve. I really do.
23:49
And I take that obligation seriously.
23:52
But then I by the time I would come home, I'm just like on
23:54
edge. And I know it was hard for you
23:58
as well and and I remember that and I I try to use that now
24:02
because the roles are now reversed.
24:05
But I understand that in a different way because of that
24:09
and and I know that you have those moments.
24:12
I see it. I see that sadness on you.
24:14
I see that her and that and and just that internal dilemma of am
24:20
I doing the right thing and stuff like that.
24:23
But what I appreciate is that you talk more to me about it,
24:28
you know, and you've allowed me to be a part of this journey.
24:32
You've allowed me to talk with the doctors, to ask questions.
24:36
And so just a background. I actually knew your mom before
24:39
I knew. You.
24:41
So I was actually friends with Christy's mom before I met
24:45
Christy. And so for me, she's been in my
24:49
life about 20, almost 26 years. Because I met you.
24:54
I don't know. You were off doing your thing.
24:57
Well, it was about a year later, yeah, that I actually met you.
25:02
And so, you know, your mom and I would go out to lunch and we'd
25:07
just sit and talk and things like that.
25:09
So I've had this long relationship with her.
25:12
Yeah. And then when we got together,
25:14
it got a little bumpy. Yeah, just a little bit.
25:18
But then, you know, I appreciate the fact that, you know, we now
25:22
have this relationship. We have vacation together.
25:25
And when we first got together, it was not that way, you know,
25:29
because of her belief system and all of that.
25:31
But at the end of the day, her love for you, you're her
25:35
daughter. And and that became the most
25:37
important thing. And so like I said, we have
25:39
vacations, We've done Disney World, we've done Mexico, we've
25:42
done California and Florida and you know, Las Vegas.
25:46
Yeah, but those things. So we've had this wonderful
25:51
relationship with her, I feel like, you know?
25:54
Yeah it's developed over time and as she always asks for you
25:59
now and stuff so and you know we talk and sometimes if she's
26:03
agitated and and you she won't listen to you she'll listen to
26:07
me or vice and and those are the relationships and and those are
26:11
the things and that's why it makes it hard because you know I
26:15
think when you're going through this and you're thinking about
26:18
people in hot you know that might go to Hospice or they're
26:21
towards the end of their life is I think you start getting that
26:24
flood of memories you know. You definitely do.
26:29
And then it's like you remember those things and it's like,
26:31
well, maybe they could do it again, you know?
26:34
Does that make sense? Because my mom's been battling
26:36
this for so long, I did do that for a long time, you know.
26:41
At that time, too, they were offering, you know.
26:44
Different solutions to to help minimize some of that And there
26:51
were things that I I thought she would just have taken advantage
26:54
of this or that. You know maybe maybe it wouldn't
26:58
be where we are right now. And her, I mean, I don't feel
27:01
like 70 is old and she's she's 70 so I really feel like that's
27:07
way too early to be going through this.
27:10
But we don't get a say in those things and.
27:14
Some of the stuff, like I said, I wish that she had taken
27:16
advantage of. Maybe we would be where we are.
27:19
Maybe we wouldn't. Well, and I think The thing is,
27:21
is once again, it comes to that thing where we have to just
27:24
simply accept everybody's choices.
27:27
It's their life. They get to make those choices.
27:30
We don't always have to like them, right.
27:33
And we can sit back there and and I think people often do sit
27:37
there and say, oh, this had this, this and this had just
27:40
happened. But we don't know that.
27:42
The only thing we do know is that we try to be respectful of
27:45
her choices. Exactly.
27:47
And we've pushed sometimes too, because we want, you know, where
27:50
they're like just do this, you know, or.
27:52
Try this out. Let's do this.
27:54
You know, after. Saying this will help.
27:55
Let's do that And and I get it, you know once again it's it's
27:59
not our life and yeah, but here we are now and now the decision
28:06
of her life becomes yours. And so that's that's such a
28:12
heavy it's, I don't know if I would call it a burden because I
28:16
guess in a way it's a gift to you know what I mean?
28:19
Well, there's, you know, obviously the trust and that you
28:24
know. So I appreciate that.
28:26
You know, she has talked to me and it and told me the things
28:29
that are important to her as far as, you know, these kind of
28:34
decisions. So I at least have had those
28:37
conversations. That has helped.
28:40
But you know, when you're actually living it, it's a
28:43
little bit different still. Well, and like I said, you know,
28:47
we know that people out there, you guys are going through this
28:50
as well. And and you know, just know that
28:54
we get it and we support it and take time, talk to people about
28:59
it, you know, use your resources.
29:01
You know, don't. I don't feel like anybody should
29:04
have to do this alone. Yeah.
29:07
Sometimes you have to ask for help.
29:10
And it's so different because I come from such a large family
29:13
where yours is so small. Yeah.
29:15
And so for me, you know, when we found out about my mom's, you
29:19
know, the kids, we went down. We got to go down and see her in
29:23
Texas and, you know, really appreciate that.
29:27
My poor sister, having all of us there.
29:30
My poor mom. It does help.
29:33
I think that you have. You know you have.
29:36
A troop to consult and making some of those decisions.
29:41
So I know, yeah. And I I mean, I I realize it was
29:46
still difficult for all of you. And I I hope that, you know, I
29:51
was supportive during that time. I and it's interesting because,
29:55
you know, you've talked to me the relationship that you've
29:57
built with my mom over this time and that it's a hard thing for
30:00
you too. And I get that.
30:02
And sometimes I think when we're really close to the situation,
30:04
we do. I kind of tend to forget that
30:06
because we're thinking about our own stuff.
30:09
And so in remembering the impact that it has on others too.
30:15
I mean, like I said, when you're in the situation, it's really
30:18
hard to maintain that space for that sometimes in your head and
30:23
you know, and and I think sometimes even for me, I I had
30:26
to sit back and realize that it was impacting me in a lot of
30:30
ways because once again, I've known your mom now 26 years.
30:34
Yeah. It's one of those things when
30:37
you know and and because of the way I feel for you I understand
30:41
that on a on a different level as well.
30:44
But trying to navigate all of that and to be supportive of you
30:49
because you're the one who needs that support right now in in a
30:52
different way, you know, and but also remembering that if you
30:57
have a connection to those people and you're being
31:00
supportive, to also be aware of what it's doing to you.
31:04
Because I had to. I had to do that and I had to
31:06
have a conversation with you. I said, you know, this is kind
31:09
of hard on me too. You know, I've known your mom a
31:11
little bit and for a little while now.
31:14
And I think that was helpful for you.
31:18
It was. It wasn't.
31:19
At first I felt like, you know what?
31:22
This is my mom. And what are you talking about?
31:25
Your grief or your? Concern or your you know, I did.
31:29
I was at first like that. And I think it's just a a
31:32
tendency that people have probably, you know, to probably
31:35
go to that space. But remembering that, like I
31:39
said, holding space for that person too and realizing it is
31:42
impacting you too. And and I appreciate, like I
31:47
said, how supportive of you are of me and the decisions that I'm
31:52
having to make and I'm not doing it alone.
31:57
So that's important. Well, but I think that it was
32:00
important for me to speak up too because I think then it it, I
32:06
think it helped you and I think it really helped me because I
32:10
was just kind of burying all that you know and just kind of
32:15
trying to figure out how I navigate everything, you know
32:17
and what needs to be done first. I kind of go to that place and I
32:23
thought, you know, I don't want to do that.
32:24
I want to be able to be present in the moment with what I'm
32:28
feeling and also to acknowledge what you are feeling and how do
32:33
we do this together? Yeah.
32:36
So I'm glad you did talk to me about it, but yeah, it was.
32:39
She got a little nicer after that noise.
32:41
At first I wanted to go to that place of being kind of angry,
32:46
and I think that's the thing. That's the other thing that I
32:48
think is really important is that that anger will sneak up on
32:52
you. But I don't.
32:54
It's not anger like that. It is really grief.
32:57
It is really that process, that anger that we feel when we feel
33:02
like we shouldn't have to lose this person if they, you know, I
33:05
mean, I think there's all of these things that kind of start
33:08
to take place with it. And I think that that's where
33:11
you've kind of come more to that radical acceptance as you talk
33:15
about, right. You know, and and like I said,
33:17
it's it's been a struggle, I think more so in the last, what,
33:21
six months? Well, no, we went out there in
33:23
May. So May is kind of when we
33:25
started having more of this decline and we'll be going out
33:29
and seeing her again really soon.
33:33
So we've got that all scheduled and stuff.
33:35
And once again, you know, I get it, that and and you know even
33:40
for your uncle, so appreciate him.
33:44
Yes. Yeah, I I he him being able to
33:49
spend the time that he does with her and how he communicates with
33:52
me. I appreciate that so much
33:54
because it's a little bit of a drive for him to go from where
33:57
he lives to where she's at. And you know, he he'll just go
34:01
sit there with her for three or four hours even when she's not
34:04
awake or she's not coherent. I know this is very difficult on
34:09
him as well, right? And and but just how much
34:12
appreciation we have for that is really, really important.
34:17
Yeah so it's it's important to remember and value those people
34:22
that are you know they're they're doing their best to
34:26
hopefully be supportive and sometimes like I said it can
34:30
comes across sometimes you think you think I'm just not doing
34:33
enough but it's it's really like I say those things that you have
34:38
to. Realize it's it's your emotion
34:42
and the things that you're going through that's driving that.
34:46
So I mean and one of the things is, is in sharing this story of
34:50
this journey that we're on, is that we wanted to do it because
34:55
we know other people are experiencing it.
34:58
And you know, just to know that you're not alone in these things
35:01
and we appreciate that you're listening to our story because I
35:07
think that's even in a way very helpful just to be able to talk
35:10
about it in, in a way and to share that you know.
35:16
It is. I mean it's not a really
35:18
pleasant topic, but you know, we we talked about, you know,
35:23
there's people going through those these kinds of struggles
35:26
and it's something very real and we talk a lot about
35:29
relationships and. And just that connectivity that
35:34
we have with one another and how we can support one another.
35:37
And hopefully you have that support too.
35:40
If you're going through something like this, yes.
35:43
And if you don't go find that support, yeah, you know.
35:49
Yes, share your stories even with us and you can do that.
35:54
We're going to post some question, a question on our
35:57
podcast about you know, what your process is and that so.
36:01
You know, yeah. So if you want to follow us on
36:06
Spotify, we're on there. We're on all the major platforms
36:11
that you listen to your podcasts on.
36:13
We also have a Facebook page and Instagram and we really
36:17
appreciate the support. We appreciate people liking our
36:22
podcast and you know we want to continue to do this.
36:26
We think it's important and valuable.
36:28
So thank you so much for your support and we'll be back next
36:33
week. Bye, bye.