Latest / ✨️Aligned and Thriving: For Teachers🌿 / 💆‍♀️Self-Care Series: Setting Boundaries 🚫

Transcript

💆‍♀️Self-Care Series: Setting Boundaries 🚫 · ✨️Aligned and Thriving: For Teachers🌿

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  Hey, hey, and welcome back to Aligned and Thriving for
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  Teachers. In this episode of our self care
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  series, we are stepping it up a notch.
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  We're diving into the beautiful, bold, and sometimes really
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  awkward world of boundaries. If the last episode was all
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  about learning to say no, well, it was.
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  I'm not. If sorry, the last episode was
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  about learning to say no, and hopefully you've practised that
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  a little bit by now. Today is about what happens
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  next, how to actually set those boundaries that protect your
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  peace, your time, your energy and your nervous system.
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  This one's a bit of a love letter to all the teachers out
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  there, especially my leadership friends who are juggling at all
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  work family expectations and trying to do it with grace.
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  But maybe you're feeling like you're sinking a little inside,
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  so let's change that. So boundaries, what actually are
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  they? Let's define this in normal, non
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  scary language. A boundary is simply a limit
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  that protects your energy and your well being.
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  It's the invisible fence that you set to say this is OK.
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  That's not now there are two types of boundaries.
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  There's your physical boundary. These ones are easy because you
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  can actually see it if it's space.
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  So saying things like oh, please don't touch me, or it could be a
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  time limit too. I'm not taking calls after 7,
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  sorry. You can also have your mental
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  and emotional boundary, and these are tricky.
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  They're things like how much of yourself you give in a
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  conversation or maybe what energy you absorb from someone
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  else, or even how much negative self talk you allow in your own
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  head. So the kicker is boundaries are
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  a skill. They're like a muscle.
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  The more you use them or enforce them, the stronger and easier
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  they become to continue to enforce.
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  So let's start with time boundaries.
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  And that's the big one for me as a teacher.
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  So it might be for you too, but it's hot.
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  As teachers, we often forget that we're actually allowed to
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  not respond to parents at 9:47 PM or 2:00 AM in the morning for
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  that matter. We're also not supposed to check
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  our emails first thing on a Sunday morning, and we don't
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  have to be on 24/7. So let me be real with you as
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  someone in leadership that I have had to work hard on this.
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  We talk a lot about the right to disconnect and that it's
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  something I myself try to model to starve because if we don't
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  take that seriously, we burnout fast.
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  It's just as simple as that. You have a right to disconnect.
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  So disconnect, set yourself some time boundaries and let people
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  know what they are. I've been in charge of relief
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  before, so I always made it really clear when people could
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  contact me about relief. So when is a window of time that
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  actually works for me, my family and my setting and what times
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  that was and whether it's a phone call or a text.
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  And if I don't answer what to do?
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  Because that's a time boundary, I can set that up and I can
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  protect my time by giving that actual boundary out.
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  OK, You have permission to only answer your emails during work
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  hours because that that's part of your job.
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  You have permission to mute the school group chat after 5:00 or
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  on weekends. You have full permission not to
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  give an instant response to everything.
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  Your life doesn't belong to your inbox, so put up that invisible
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  fence, OK? Set some boundaries around your
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  time. Personal boundaries.
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  So this is like your mornings, your evenings, your time around
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  your family or your friends. Boundaries just aren't for work,
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  they are for your life. Here's where you might need
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  them. Your morning routine.
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  So no checking social media in bed, no racing out the door.
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  Just time for you. Remember my my morning routine?
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  My 5:00 AM club? I'd like to say but it's really
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  4:35 AM club because that's when I start my day.
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  But that is a boundary that works for me.
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  Your evenings. Maybe that's your journaling
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  time, your reading time or your binge watching your favourite TV
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  show. Turning your mind off time or
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  just sitting in peace without marking books at the same time.
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  Now I understand that sometimes your boundaries need to change
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  when it's stuff like report writing time, but you still need
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  to protect that time too. So you might say, OK, this is my
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  evening time when I don't usually do my marking.
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  Instead, I'm going to do 45 minutes of marking and then I'm
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  going to stop and have a break for 15.
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  I'll do another 45 and then I'm done and I'm putting everything
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  away and I'm going to relax. My husband's actually really
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  good at enforcing these things. If I say right, I'm going to do
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  this much work and he'll go, OK, that's this many episodes of
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  this show on YouTube. When that's done, we're watching
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  our show and I'll do that. He honours that and I honour
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  that too. You need to put boundaries
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  around your family time. And I literally, literally can't
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  even talk today. Quarantine time with my kids and
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  I name it up. So hey, I'm actually spending
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  time with my family right now. I'll get back to that later.
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  Or I just don't. If I don't respond, it's
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  probably because I'm busy doing things and I'll come back to
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  that. So I will quite often leave
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  emails unread that I know that I need to check them and then
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  reply back to them. That way I don't miss things and
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  I can reply when I want to sit within my boundary.
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  OK. Because if you don't protect
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  your time, someone else is going to fit and feel your time with
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  their priorities. Because if you're not protecting
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  it, like who is? Who is actually managing that?
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  You are responsible for your time management and you're
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  responsible for managing your boundaries around your time.
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  You're also responsible for putting boundaries with people.
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  So this is the whole theory about how you actually
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  negotiate. Let's let's talk about people.
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  Sometimes setting boundaries with others might mean that you
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  need to say, oh, sorry, I'm not available for that today, or I
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  actually can't take that on right now.
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  Or my favourite one. I'm focusing on my health at the
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  moment. I'm sure you understand.
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  So that's that's that time when we talked about no and learning
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  to say no. That helps you to put boundaries
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  in place with people. Other times it might actually be
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  out your physical space and a physical boundary.
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  I have friends and family who love a hug and a kiss on the
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  cheek and maybe friends that like to ninja roll, like, you
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  know, the same ninja roll, oh, you know, bear hug, grab you,
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  tackle you or that sort of thing, or like touch your face.
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  I have a couple of friends that love to do that.
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  It's only them and it's I will let them do that because they've
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  had, we've had that conversation.
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  We have those boundaries for us in place and I know what works
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  and what doesn't and they respect that too.
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  But then I have other friends that will literally run a mile
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  from you and every time you take a step closer, they'll move
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  back. If you get too close, they're
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  moving away. So now if we're in that, like
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  I'm, I'm a physical person, so I love a hug.
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  And if they're sort of reading the room and I'm having a moment
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  and they're there and the only ones there to comfort me,
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  they're like, oh, that's like, oh, could I, could I please have
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  a hug? Or I just need a hug right now.
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  And then they'll awkwardly sort of step in and give you that hug
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  because that's so uncomfortable for them.
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  But I'm sort of trying to give them permission to step into my
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  boundary and out of theirs if, if that makes sense.
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  But you've got to have those conversations and, and ask those
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  questions. And it's the same with kids
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  'cause if they have that physical boundary, I don't know,
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  like teaching early childhood, I learned a lot about my physical
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  boundary. I actually do have a bubble.
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  I didn't think I did, being a person who likes physical touch.
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  But no, I, I do not like the child that is patting me up my
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  skirt on my stockings and and patting my legs.
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  I really don't like the child who is like patting my shoes
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  and, and pulling on my dress or patting my tummy.
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  I actually have a bubble. It's like a hula hoop around me.
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  I, I don't like kids touching me without my consent.
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  And look, kids should be exactly the same.
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  And we, we have those boundaries in place.
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  And I would articulate that with my students and say, oh, that's
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  there's I've got a bubble. Remember, remember my hula hoop.
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  Like I've had to physically get the hula hoop out and put it on
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  the floor around my preps because, yeah, they were really
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  sensory. They loved it.
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  Could not wear my suede shoes to work anymore because that that
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  was too much fun. We really liked to touch my
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  shoes. So I just went, no, no, we need
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  to change that. So I put a boundary in place.
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  I physically put the hoop down so they could see that I had a
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  bubble and they could respect that because I I asked for space
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  and I did it respectfully. You can do the same.
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  Hey, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.
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  Can I have some space? It's perfectly respectful.
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  It's a perfectly adult thing to say.
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  And we're teaching our students to do the same too.
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  And it's the same as if your kids are upset.
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  Like you get those students that are crying and, and I will say
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  like, do you want to hug? Is it OK if I hug you?
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  Or you can hug me if that's what you need.
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  So I'm, I'm not overstepping their boundary or my boundary or
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  breaking any other boundaries respectfully school wise.
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  So doing it that way. So that's, that's all part of
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  naming it up, framing it up and holding yourself to it.
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  So there's a bit of a simple boundary formula.
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  And that's exactly what I just said.
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  So number one is to name it up, identify what boundary you
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  actually need. Is it around your time, your
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  energy, your space #2 is to frame it.
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  So communicate it clearly, but with kindness.
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  I gave you some examples of how I did it with students.
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  Like you can do the same too. The third thing is to hold it.
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  So stick to it even when people are pushing your boundaries.
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  Like especially then you need to stick to your boundary, OK?
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  And don't forget that boundaries are about you, not them.
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  And it's not about control, it's about care for yourself.
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  Because if I haven't made that message clear over the last few
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  episodes, but this is self care. This is about yourself.
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  You OK? This is you.
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  All right. So we're trying to move you from
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  the people pleasing mindset to power.
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  So the raw truth from me to you is that I've told you this
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  before repeating myself. I've spent years struggling to
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  put myself first. I was the one consistently
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  saying yes, consistently talking down to myself and being
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  negative about myself, the way I look, the way I acted,
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  everything, and putting others ahead of my own health.
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  I have had to learn and I want you to learn faster than I did.
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  OK? Learning from my mistakes.
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  This is me trying to help you. Boundaries are not bad, they are
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  beautiful. Putting yourself on a pedestal,
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  it's not arrogant, it's essential.
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  And I, I love telling people that now you can put yourself on
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  that pedestal. Like, I mean, you probably have
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  a partner that might put you on a pedestal, but you can put
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  yourself there first. Give yourself a bit of respect
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  and a bit of love because you matter, you're important, and
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  it's essential that you are putting yourself first.
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  You teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate and
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  what you're accepting from others.
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  So stop tolerating nonsense and treating yourself like, like,
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  start treating yourself like you matter because we do.
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  And I can't tell you that enough.
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  You matter. What you do matters.
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  How you act matters. So the way you are treating
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  yourself matters. So let me give you some tools.
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  We like to give tools. We like some handy dandy helpful
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  hints. Let's help you with your
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  boundaries. So I want you to try these and
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  it's going to be awkward. I'm going to name that up.
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  It was awkward for me, but you need to do some mirror
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  affirmations. So this is when you are
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  literally looking yourself in the eyes in a mirror.
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  So looking at yourself, your reflection, that's going to be
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  hard for a lot of people and it was hard for me, but it will
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  make you stronger. So I want you to do some mirror
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  affirmations and you can make your own or you can use these,
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  but some examples for you. You can look yourself in the eye
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  and say, I am allowed to protect my time.
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  I'll say that again, you're looking at yourself in the
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  mirror. I'm allowed to protect my time.
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  OK, another one, I deserve to rest.
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  Say with me, I deserve to rest because you do another one.
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  No is a full sentence. I said that in the last episode.
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  No is a full sentence. OK, so there's three things you
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  could start saying to yourself to help build yourself talk.
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  I want you to practise starting with some small Nos, just little
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  things that you might have usually said yes to that might
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  drain you start saying no. That'll help you work your way
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  up to bigger ones and you can get support people.
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  Talk to a friend or a coach like me who gets it.
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  Maybe keep a boundary journal. What's worked, what didn't,
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  Where do I feel the most drained?
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  If you start naming it up, you can start to see where your time
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  is actually going and where you not.
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  Might need to put some boundaries in place.
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  OK, And just remember that you don't need to be perfect.
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  You just need to keep showing up for you, for yourself.
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  Again, self care is about who everyone you, it's about
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  yourself. So to recap, boundaries are not
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  walls. They're doors with locks that
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  you can control. OK, You're allowed to say no.
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  You're allowed to ask for space and you are allowed to put
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  yourself 1st and the more you start to practise this the
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  easier it's going to get. On the flip side of this though,
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  I just want to mention that if you are someone on the receiving
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  end of someone enforcing their own boundaries and maybe they've
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  said no to you, I want you to try and respect that and not
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  take offence to that because you might be standing there going Oh
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  well that's rude. They've just told me Oh no I
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  can't do that, sorry. Well, that's OK.
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  You, you can answer. Oh, I respect that.
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  I respect your boundaries and walk away.
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  Do not take that on. That is them looking after them
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  because they're looking after their self care and they're
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  enforcing a boundary. So that's, that's the flip side
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  of this. I'm teaching you how to how to
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  help you with your boundaries. But if someone else is doing
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  that, like if I'm doing that, I would hope that you wouldn't
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  take offence to me asking you to respect the boundary and that
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  you would just respect that and move on.
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  Pretty much don't take it to heart.
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  So if all of this hits home, please make sure you share it
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  with your friends, your other educated friends, whoever it
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  might be, whoever you think might need to hear these
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  messages about self care and to help it help help others.
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  Because that's the aim. Remember that boundaries equal
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  self respect. And I promise, once you start
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  living in this way, there is no going back.
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  You'll wonder why you ever said yes to everything in the 1st
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  place. You just won't know yourself
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  really. So I hope you enjoyed this
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  episode again, like it? Follow me.
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  Make sure you're following me on Spotify so you can keep track of
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  all the new episodes that drop. I will do my best to keep
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  sharing on Instagram so you can see when they, excuse me, see
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  when they're coming. But yeah, like, share, do
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  whatever you need to do, do all of the things.
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  My Instagram info is down there so you can DM me.
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  I also have the Teacherspayteachers page with a
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  couple of extra resources there that you might like to have a
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  look at that may help you enforce some of those
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  boundaries. So until next time, keep being
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  aligned and keep striving to thrive and have an awesome day.