Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E200: Should Christians Live Together Before Marriage? LIVE Call-In!

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E200: Should Christians Live Together Before Marriage? LIVE Call-In! · The Lila Rose Show

• 0:00
  See my boyfriend and I, we've been living together and dating
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  for two years. My boyfriend lacks a
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  relationship with God. What's your your advice I guess?
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  Your. Your thoughts?
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  Can I be a super straight shooter with you?
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  Is that okay? Yes, ma'am.
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  Thank you. I think the number one, hey
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  guys, welcome back to the Lila Rose show.
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  We are doing something different today and I couldn't be more
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  excited. We did a big call out or shout
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  out in the last few weeks saying, hey, here's a phone
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  number. Call us if you have relationship
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  or life advice that you're looking for.
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  And we took those voicemails. We got tons of voicemails from
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  you guys. Listen to all of them and
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  connected with some of you that we will now be talking to live
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  on camera today about. Just questions that you're
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  facing, things that you're wrestling with.
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  Now. I'm giving my advice as
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  basically like a big sister. As you guys know, I'm married
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  almost seven years. We've got three kids.
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  But it's not so much about my expertise as the advice and the
• 0:53
  mentorship and the expertise that I've received from really
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  dozens of personal counselors, spiritual guides, the show we've
• 1:00
  interviewed now and where I think we're 200 episodes,
• 1:03
  amazing experts there. And really just providing the
• 1:06
  advice that's been given to me and the life experience that God
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  has provided me to, I hope serve you.
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  Now, quick disclaimer, of course, as you guys know, I'm
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  not a psychologist. I'm also not a doctor, but I am
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  someone who cares deeply about this community that we are
• 1:20
  growing. And I want to see people have
• 1:22
  healthier, happier lives on your journey to heaven.
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  So super excited to take calls today and I cannot wait to talk
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  to you guys. And as we're doing these calls,
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  listen, I want to hear what you guys think.
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  I think our community that we're growing at the show has some
• 1:33
  incredibly wise, passionate minds and faithful hearts.
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  So leave your comments in the comment section about what we
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  discussed with the callers because you might have other
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  pieces of advice. You might have a difference of
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  opinion, you might have other ideas people should be thinking
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  about. Leave your comments in the
• 1:49
  comment section. And you can always e-mail me at
• 1:51
  lila@gtbmedia.com. I love hearing from you guys.
• 1:55
  And you can always call the hotline yourself at 409-2344.
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  Six 689, that's 409-234-4689. Hi, Shelby.
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  Well, hello. How are you?
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  I'm actually very excited. I've been watching this show for
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  a long time, so I feel very great at this opportunity to ask
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  you my question. Awesome.
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  Well, thank you so much for calling in and I'm so happy to
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  talk with you. Tell tell me what you're calling
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  about today. I well you put in the questions
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  and something. I'm a new Christian.
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  I've been Christian now for about two years, so I'm still a
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  baby at it and still learning a lot.
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  There was a common thread. Just for context.
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  The ratio for single people in church is usually 12:50.
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  There's usually more single women in church than men and
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  something that a question that I've kind of run into is dating
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  in between faiths or dating someone who doesn't believe in
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  God. And I just kind of wanted to get
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  your advice or maybe your thoughts on that.
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  Of course a couple a couple quick questions for you.
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  Are you currently dating someone who is a non believer or you're
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  just asking? Should I consider dating non
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  believers? So I am dating right now and
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  both for those. So that's kind of where that
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  question came in. I'm very lucky that the person
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  that I am dating is very curious.
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  And he did say that he'd be willing to go on that journey
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  with me. So but it's still, you know, the
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  question remains to be seen for me what that means going
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  forward. And not just for me, but there's
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  also other friends of mine that have had this issue too.
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  So I just kind of you, you know, like your podcast is you're a
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  mature Christian that hasn't been through this for a long
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  time. So I'm curious of like the
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  wisdom that you would share with that.
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  Totally, totally. Well, first of all, thanks.
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  Thank you again for calling in. And you're right, it is, it is
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  very tough out there. I've got, you know, several
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  single friends who are in similar boat where it's they
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  feel like it's hard to find men that share their values and
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  their faith. And you know, of course, it
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  sounds like you feel a calling to marriage and this is a desire
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  of your heart, which is so beautiful and so good.
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  I do think God places these desires in our heart.
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  So I'd say the first thing is, you know, I would say kind of a
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  bare minimum standard for anyone that you date is you want
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  someone that has shared values. And even if that doesn't look
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  like, you know, they're exactly aligned theologically, right?
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  They might not have the exact same faith or maybe they're kind
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  of exploring themselves. You want someone that has good
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  virtues and that would it. Then that's something you find
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  out. Obviously getting to know them,
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  obviously conversations, but I would say that's really the the
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  red line. You want someone of good virtue.
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  They have integrity, they're honest, they're kind, they're
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  hard working, they have these qualities that you know, that
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  are you're going to need to count on right if you end up
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  getting married to them. So, but it sounds like you
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  probably are already aligned on that.
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  Like if you're OK talking about your current, you know,
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  potential dating relationship are these do you see him having
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  these natural virtues? He's a, he's a Goodman.
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  He's got good character traits. Actually, this is probably the
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  best guy I've ever dated, to be honest.
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  Like he's, he's extremely kind and extremely generous and
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  probably more patient than I deserve.
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  So, and also very open to marriage.
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  And we do align on a lot of those things.
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  So I think my concern with my faith and stuff is just with
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  church, like they're very we, I have a wonderful church.
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  They're kind of more along the line of like, you know, they
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  they need to be going to church. You know, they need to have
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  these specific dates. Does he does he go to church?
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  Great. And I'm.
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  Go ahead. But they're, you know, they are
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  very loving in regards to the spiritual health and everything
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  else. I just didn't want to like I
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  said, it's more like a curious for me because I'm still
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  learning and I'm still navigating.
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  Just wanted. Yeah.
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  So I was just curious of how to go about forward.
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  Yes. Does he go to church with you?
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  Not yet. There's a lot of because it's
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  actually long distance right now.
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  So I'm kind of getting us in the same place at the same time is a
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  little difficult for that. But he has expressed that he
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  would be willing to go. He'd be willing to go to my
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  Bible study group, meet people that go to my church.
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  So. Beautiful and.
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  Willing so. And is he someone that, I mean,
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  it sounds like you're getting to know him, but is he somebody
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  that also would be willing to help raise the children if you
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  have children together to raise them with, with faith, even if
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  he himself isn't there yet, but he's willing to help you in
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  raising the children with faith. That is a conversation we've
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  both had. I that is actually a bottom line
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  for me. Like coming from a place I did,
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  I kind of grew up in church and I had a really bad experience.
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  And then now that I came back to faith, it's been a thing and God
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  is good. And that was my bottom line.
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  I want to raise my children's in church.
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  Obviously kids can have their own mind and decide, but like,
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  that's kind of how I would like to raise them in that regard.
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  And he said he'd be willing to do that with me.
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  So and not just, you know, making comments or like, oh,
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  that's your mom's belief or oh, that's her thing.
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  I don't care about it. You know, it's I want it to be
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  encouraging. And he said that that's the goal
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  and that would he would be willing to do that.
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  That's it sounds like you're having a lot of the key
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  conversations. I mean, I would say the the
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  baseline is you want them to have natural virtues, you know,
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  a good person seeking, you know, to live a good life, have good
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  character, good virtue, and that they want the same things you
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  want in terms of a family, raising the kids with faith.
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  It sounds like that's a non negotiable for you.
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  I think that's a good thing. I think it should be a non
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  negotiable to raise the children in the faith.
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  If you're a Christian, you that's that's Our Calling, right
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  as as parents, if we're going to be a parent, to raise them up in
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  the faith. You know, marriage is a sacred
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  covenant, right. And so I think that's also a key
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  conversation that you need to have if you haven't already
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  about what is the nature of marriage, because you also need
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  alignment on no divorce. You know that you're going to
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  this is you're in it, you know, until death do you part.
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  Have you guys talked about those things as well?
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  Yes, I know that there are slight variations like for me,
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  like I have not been married yet.
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  It's not to give away everything, but like I am 32
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  I've never been married. It's I have had that option to
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  me and that is something for me, if I thought divorce was at all
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  possible, I I didn't do it. So for me it's not a non option
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  and I know we have talked about it, but it's kind of like that's
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  kind of where the Gray area is. The big D is kind of, you know,
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  if things get bad enough, is that something that you do or
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  how would you work through that conversations And we're working
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  through through those. Meaning you haven't yet
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  discussed whether or not he would be open to divorce.
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  It's not an automatic non negotiable for him that he might
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  be he might consider a divorce. You're saying.
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  And so you guys haven't talked about necessarily the permanent
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  component of marriage where it's until death do us part.
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  That's not you're not fully aligned on that yet.
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  It sounds like correct. OK, I think you're doing the
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  right things and having these conversations and getting to
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  know him. I don't think that you, you
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  know, my, my vantage point in this is it's obviously preferred
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  if this person is already fully aligned theologically, they have
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  the gift of faith because remember, faith is a gift that
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  God gives us, right? We, we can receive it from God,
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  but you know, it's a gift ultimately from God.
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  He doesn't seem to have that gift yet.
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  And so it's good to, I think, pray for that for him.
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  I would say continue to, I think it's, it sounds like you're
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  doing the right things and exploring getting to know him,
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  talking about these core things as a Christian, though, there
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  are certain non negotiables about what marriage means and
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  what it means to raise children. And even if the person is not a
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  believer, maybe yet, right, They need to be fully aligned on that
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  before you can consider marrying them, right?
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  So I would definitely do that and have the guidance of a
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  pastor or someone who understands this in talking
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  through this with you. And, and it sounds like with if
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  it's a long distance relationship, the other thing I
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  would say is make sure to really get to know him beyond long
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  distance, right? Because that can also be, you
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  know, someone can be on their best behavior via text, via
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  phone calls, via FaceTime. And you really get to know a
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  person when you're looking at their community, looking at how
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  they show up every day in, in their work life, in their
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  everyday life, you know, getting to know them week to week in
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  person, I think you learn a lot more about somebody.
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  So I would also say, you know, that would be really important,
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  especially since they're not a believer to get to know them,
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  you know, in real life before seriously considering marrying
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  them. I would agree and that's it's
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  just like and I would agree. It's just navigating, I think
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  through this as a Christian and kind of coming to, I think
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  something that I've personally struggled with.
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  I don't, I'm sure all new Christian struggles struggling
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  the worldly versus the heavenly and what do you sacrifice and
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  what do you give and like what are those things of the non
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  negotiables that you talk about? So I really appreciate it very
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  much. Of course you say you're a baby
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  Christian, but you know, you know this like God has a plan
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  for you and he doesn't give us a calling that he doesn't see to
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  its fruition, right? So if you are called to
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  marriage, he's going to bring you that man.
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  And I'm not saying it definitely isn't this guy.
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  You know, there's it's possible that you get you have the space
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  to get to know him in real life. Like if you're describing, it's
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  not just long distance, you know, he's becomes this
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  extremely supportive man of faith and he's willing to
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  basically live the Christian life even if he hasn't been
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  given the gift of faith yet. And you can pray for him to have
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  that gift of faith. But I just want to encourage you
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  that God has a plan for you and his timing is perfect.
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  I know it. You know, I've got a bunch of
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  girlfriends in their 30s who are like, oh, I, I'm waiting for
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  this guy. You know, I'm ready, ready for
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  him yesterday. But God, God's timing really is
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  perfect and just have a have a really abundance mindset.
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  This would be one thing, you know, because this guy sounds
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  like he's very kind. You're getting to know him.
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  He's like he said, he's the most one of the most patient guys
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  you've ever met. God is, you know, God has the
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  power to do anything and he can move anyone, right?
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  And so there are lots of people that God could bring into your
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  life if, if you know, he chooses if, if that's God's will.
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  And so just trust and you know, operate from a principle of
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  trust that if this guy's not the right one for you, there will be
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  someone that is the right one. And God will bring that man to
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  you if you are called to marriage and just have a lot of
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  peace and trust in Jesus about that.
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  Because I think sometimes we can get it's, it's scary, right?
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  It can be, there can be anxiety of like, oh, well, what if
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  there's nobody better than this guy?
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  And you know, how am I going to find somebody?
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  But remember that God's your father.
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  He loves you and he has a plan for you.
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  Yeah, that is something I'm slowly learning and I'm, I'm,
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  you know, it's struggling, but I, I appreciate that very much
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  and I definitely hold on to that, especially in the land of
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  unknowns. So, but I do really appreciate
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  it very much. Love your show.
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  I I hope you guys have a great rest of your day that's.
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  Thank you. I will be praying for you and
• 13:08
  and continue to get good counsel.
• 13:09
  You know, at the end of the day, that's going to be a a real
• 13:12
  guide to you as the people that know you and love you and God's
• 13:15
  got you. God's got a plan.
• 13:17
  Thanks for calling and thanks for talking with me.
• 13:20
  Thank you so much you guys, have a great day and God bless.
• 13:23
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  for this campaign to help pray for those waiting for their own
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  miracles. Shelby called.
• 14:11
  You guys just heard, you know, very sweet girl.
• 14:13
  You can tell that she wants what's good.
• 14:15
  She wants to find a good man. And it's tough out there.
• 14:17
  Like we were discussing, like there it is.
• 14:19
  It is really hard. It can feel really lonely to
• 14:20
  find someone who's aligned with your values and your faith and
• 14:24
  who's ready to get married. And you know, you have this
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  connection like that can be really feel really daunting.
• 14:29
  But the reality is God has all the power in the world.
• 14:33
  God's timing is perfect. And if you are meant to get
• 14:35
  married, they are out there for you.
• 14:37
  And so our job is to prepare, be faithful and be open to God's
• 14:41
  grace and not to I think, you know, people use the word
• 14:44
  settle, but not to think, Oh, this is the one guy, the only
• 14:48
  guy I can be with because you know, he's so sweet, he's so
• 14:51
  loving. And so I have to make it work
• 14:53
  with this guy that I'm dating. Like that's not the right
• 14:55
  mindset because if you choose someone that you're dating out
• 14:58
  of a fear that you're never going to meet somebody else,
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  then you can make a rash a bad decision.
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  So, you know, obviously encourage Shelby, Hey, trust in
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  God, you know, have these non negotiables.
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  Take some time to explore it with this guy.
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  But if at the end of the day, he's not there yet, you might
• 15:15
  make sense to move on because you want to be open to what God
• 15:18
  has for you. Next, we'll be praying for you
• 15:21
  Shelby, and people listening. Let's pray together for Shelby
• 15:23
  and for her future husband. Hey, Lila.
• 15:27
  Hi, Lila, how are you? Good.
• 15:29
  I love it. We've got two Lila's here.
• 15:33
  It's so nice to meet you. Thanks for calling of.
• 15:36
  Course, it's an honor. Yeah, for me too.
• 15:38
  It's really for me too. So thank you and I, I'd love to
• 15:41
  hear what's on your mind today. Well, see, my boyfriend and I,
• 15:47
  we've been living together and dating for two years and we're
• 15:53
  not I wouldn't necessarily call us an interfaith relationship,
• 15:57
  but my boyfriend lacks relate a relationship with God in general
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  or just lacks a hunger for it in the way that I do.
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  And so my question for you was just what's your recommend your
• 16:13
  advice, I guess your your thoughts?
• 16:18
  Thank you, Lila, listen, can I, can I, can I be a super straight
• 16:21
  shooter with you? Is that OK?
• 16:23
  Yes, ma'am. Thank you.
• 16:25
  I think the number one thing you're, you're a woman of God,
• 16:27
  right? Your your faith is important to
• 16:29
  you. Yes, ma'am.
• 16:31
  Beautiful. That is beautiful.
• 16:32
  If you're living together, that is the first space where you
• 16:36
  can't properly discern this marriage.
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  You know, potential future marriage.
• 16:40
  You can't discern this relationship properly if you're
• 16:42
  living together, right? You know what I'm saying?
• 16:47
  Right. And I know that's.
• 16:49
  At a certain level of complication to things.
• 16:51
  Yeah, because, because God's way is, you know, in God's plan, we
• 16:56
  don't live together before marriage.
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  We don't have sex before marriage and that is a for a
• 17:00
  reason. So that we have the clarity of
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  mind and, and heart to be able to discern.
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  Is this the right person for me? Right, right.
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  So you know, my, my advice, my first advice is you can't
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  discern what you're trying to figure out right now.
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  The, the way you're living your life right now.
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  It makes it not possible for you to really figure this out
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  because you guys are living together.
• 17:23
  Yeah. And I know that's tough.
• 17:28
  Yeah. How How long have you 2 been
• 17:32
  together for? Two years.
• 17:36
  And and how long living together?
• 17:39
  A year and a half. Yeah, that's it.
• 17:41
  That's a lot of time to be very close to someone like that.
• 17:46
  Yeah, it isn't. What's interesting about it
• 17:49
  though is that we haven't really had any issues.
• 17:52
  And we, I, I expressed with him, you know, when we first met, how
• 17:58
  important my faith was to me and how I'm, you know, was looking
• 18:01
  for someone to really commit to, to me.
• 18:05
  And it seems that just faith isn't off the table for him.
• 18:12
  It's just something that he's, I don't know.
• 18:19
  But he's not committed to you, right?
• 18:21
  I mean, he's living with you, but you're not married.
• 18:24
  Well, yeah, but the only reason why we're not engaged is because
• 18:28
  his in marriage is our intent. The only reason we're not
• 18:31
  engaged is to honor the wishes of his parents, which is that he
• 18:35
  doesn't propose to anyone until after he's done with school.
• 18:41
  Got it. Do you and, and, and your faith,
• 18:45
  you know, when you're living together with someone,
• 18:47
  obviously, you know, a core part of our faith is sex belonging
• 18:50
  within marriage. How do you how do you see that
• 18:52
  and how does he see that? Well, I see our partnership as
• 18:58
  one that's committed. And so we do have sex in our
• 19:02
  relationship and yeah, I, I don't feel really convicted to
• 19:10
  stop that because of the nature of our commitment.
• 19:15
  Meaning you you're saying you feel like you're married even
• 19:17
  though you're not married yet, so that in your conscience
• 19:19
  you're telling yourself it's like, it's as if we're married.
• 19:22
  Yes. Well, the thing, the thing with
• 19:24
  marriage is, you know, according to Scripture is that this is
• 19:29
  something that you're, you've publicly pledged each other to
• 19:31
  before friends and family, right?
• 19:33
  And it and it sounds like his his parents are not comfortable
• 19:37
  with that, it sounds like. Yeah, well, they come from a a
• 19:40
  little bit more of a secular world view where they just think
• 19:44
  that he should focus on school and that should be his number
• 19:48
  one priority until he has his degree.
• 19:51
  And after that they they couldn't care less.
• 19:56
  Right. But I think if at the end of the
• 19:59
  day, you, you need a man who is going to do what's best for you
• 20:04
  as a married couple and your potential future children,
• 20:07
  right? And.
• 20:08
  Then he's not going to listen first to mom and dad if that's
• 20:11
  getting in the way of what's best for you as his potential
• 20:14
  wife, right? You want that man who's going to
• 20:16
  put you first and not have his parents be getting in the way of
• 20:19
  your relationship. Right.
• 20:23
  So you know, my, my, my just being a very straight shooter is
• 20:27
  this is not something I believe you can discern when you're
• 20:30
  living together and sleeping together because you don't have
• 20:33
  that clarity of mind. And you're right now living
• 20:35
  outside of God's plan, even though you feel like you're
• 20:38
  married to him, even though he might feel that way too.
• 20:40
  You guys aren't married. And so I, I know this is tough
• 20:44
  to hear because you've moved in together.
• 20:45
  You're, you're building this, you know, you're very
• 20:47
  intertwined here, but until you're married, right, you're
• 20:50
  not married. And it's again, God's grace,
• 20:53
  like he will give you the grace, God will give you the the
• 20:56
  wisdom. But you got to go to him and
• 20:57
  say, God, you know, do you approve of how I'm living right
• 21:01
  now? Right.
• 21:04
  And so, you know, that's one thing I think we we got to
• 21:07
  figure out. And then the other thing, the,
• 21:09
  the bigger question about is this the guy for you to marry,
• 21:12
  right? Because you're not married.
• 21:14
  You know, a big question to ask yourself, is this the man that
• 21:17
  can lead you and your children spiritually?
• 21:22
  Right. What What are your thoughts on
• 21:25
  that? Every once in a while I find a
• 21:27
  small business that I fall absolutely in love with and
• 21:30
  that's why I'm so excited to share We Heart Nutrition with
• 21:33
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  What I also love about We Heart Nutrition is that this is a
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• 21:52
  your values and they donate a full 10% back of all of their
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  revenue to pregnancy resource centers to help moms and babies
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  in need. We Heart Nutrition customizes
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  their vitamin packages specifically for your state in
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  life. So whether you are premenopausal
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  or postmenopausal, whether you're looking to conceive, help
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  improve your fertility, whether you're pregnant and this is a
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• 22:21
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• 22:24
  vitamins, You can get 20% off using the code Lila.
• 22:27
  And if you spend at least $50 you will get a free signature
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  bamboo capsule vitamin box, which is very cute.
• 22:33
  I have one myself. So go to weheartnutrition.com
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  today, use the code Lila at checkout to get 20% off your
• 22:39
  purchase. And when you spend $50, get that
• 22:41
  adorable free bamboo capsule box to store your vitamins in.
• 22:45
  That's we Heart nutrition.com. Well, I mean, even in the
• 22:49
  conversations we've had about, you know, when we talk about
• 22:55
  parenting, we agree that we've really come to the conclusion
• 22:59
  that it's important for our children to see a loving
• 23:02
  partnership, even if our expressions of our faith might
• 23:06
  differ. And he would never disrespect or
• 23:09
  denigrate or denounce the name of Christ in front of me or our
• 23:13
  kids or anyone. You know, he has a lot of
• 23:15
  respect for our religion and he's interested in it.
• 23:20
  He's just not passionate about it the way that I am.
• 23:23
  But he, him and I believe that the strength of our relationship
• 23:26
  and the love that we share would speak volumes to our children
• 23:31
  whether or not we display the same amount, the same passion
• 23:34
  for Christ. Do you think he can be a leader
• 23:38
  though, in helping your children have faith and going to church
• 23:43
  and making that a part of your life?
• 23:45
  The truths of your faith? Do you?
• 23:47
  It's not just that he respects your faith, but do you think he
• 23:49
  would actively help encourage the children to be raised in
• 23:53
  faith? You mean?
• 23:56
  Yes, that's what we've at least spoken about.
• 24:00
  So, so here, here's the here's the thing.
• 24:02
  I think this guy sounds like he cares about you a lot.
• 24:05
  It sounds like he has a lot of, you know, qualities that you
• 24:09
  obviously love and admire. To really figure this out
• 24:12
  though, you know, you need to have space where you're living
• 24:17
  God's plan because even though sometimes our ways, it's like
• 24:19
  this is convenient for me, this is comfortable for me.
• 24:21
  We love each other, we're together, we feel like we're
• 24:23
  married. Like I said, you're not married.
• 24:24
  So there's two things to figure out here, right?
• 24:27
  There's the question of should I marry him?
• 24:29
  I see the guy to marry lifelong partner forever, you know, until
• 24:33
  death do us part. And then the other question is
• 24:35
  what do I do with the fact that we're living together and that's
• 24:38
  not God's plan to live together before marriage, right?
• 24:40
  Those are two questions. And I would say to answer that
• 24:43
  second question of should we marry having a separation where
• 24:46
  you're living with chastity, you're not having sex, you're
• 24:49
  not doing what married people do because you're not married yet.
• 24:52
  So you can fully discern and decide, is this the one I'm
• 24:54
  going to marry and then marry them, Then you can have that
• 24:57
  intimacy, right? So, So what do you think Lila is
• 25:02
  a good, a good action plan moving forward?
• 25:07
  Well, my boyfriend and I are going to listen to this show
• 25:11
  when it's when it's finally posted and we're going to talk
• 25:15
  about we're actually our lease is up in June.
• 25:18
  So it's possible for us to have like separate bedrooms, but it's
• 25:26
  not really possible for us to stop living together because I
• 25:29
  can't afford to live in this city that I live in without a
• 25:34
  roommate or help. Do you do you have is there a, a
• 25:42
  a you know, that's often times there's houses or other
• 25:45
  apartments where you can share an apartment, share a house.
• 25:48
  Are there other girls related to your church or others that have
• 25:51
  a shared apartment or a house? Yeah, we could look into that.
• 25:57
  You know, because having your own place can be expensive.
• 25:59
  But you know, I rent. I remember I rented a room, a
• 26:02
  room in a lady's house with a bunch of other rooms.
• 26:04
  And you know that keeps costs down.
• 26:07
  Right. Here, here's a here's a question
• 26:10
  for you, Lila, and again, I'm I'm so grateful to to talk with
• 26:13
  you. Do you know, you know some of
• 26:16
  the background about why sex can cloud judgment?
• 26:19
  Like when you're sexually intimate with intimate with
• 26:20
  someone, why that can cloud judgment about that person and
• 26:24
  the relationship? I mean I, I, I've experienced it
• 26:28
  first hand. I, before I was saved, played
• 26:33
  the harlot if you will. So I understand that it
• 26:37
  complicates things significantly, but if you'd like
• 26:40
  to enlighten me, I'm all yours. Well, listen, you know God, God
• 26:45
  created us with our minds so that we can think and our will
• 26:48
  so that we can choose. So he wants you to have good
• 26:50
  judgement and clear judgement because he loves you.
• 26:53
  God's your Father. He loves you so much, He loves
• 26:55
  us. And when we have sex with
• 26:57
  someone, it's designed, you know, it floods our body with
• 27:00
  oxytocin. It's designed to bond us with
• 27:02
  that person, make us feel like this is my one and only because
• 27:06
  that's what sex is for. It's for that one and only in a
• 27:08
  marriage till death to us part. And then it's also designed as
• 27:11
  you know, of course, you can bring babies into the world,
• 27:13
  which is hugely intimate and unifying.
• 27:16
  Like this is our child now, right?
• 27:18
  So, you know, for, for God's girls, you're God's girl, you're
• 27:21
  God's woman and for his women, you know, he has a plan and
• 27:24
  it's, it can be a really tough one, right?
• 27:26
  It's saying don't have sex unless you're married.
• 27:28
  And, and it's not just don't have sex.
• 27:30
  It's, it's pursue chastity, right?
• 27:32
  Which is loving this person as God wants you to love them,
• 27:35
  right? And before marriage, the way to
• 27:38
  love someone is it's to respect chastity and, and have that
• 27:42
  physical separation where you're not sexually involved with them
• 27:47
  because they're not your husband, right?
• 27:48
  At least not yet. And so I, I would just
• 27:51
  encourage, you know, you can, you can certainly listen to this
• 27:53
  show, but you already heard what I said.
• 27:55
  You know, you could listen to it again later.
• 27:57
  But you know, you're, I can tell you're a very smart woman.
• 28:00
  You know, you're, you're a woman of conviction.
• 28:02
  And you know, I think, you know, at the end of the day that God's
• 28:06
  way is it's there for a reason to, to save sex for marriage.
• 28:12
  So I just want to, you know, ask one more time, was there is
• 28:16
  there any other kind of action item or action plan that you can
• 28:19
  see coming out of this call? I mean, my boyfriend and I are
• 28:26
  definitely going to have a good talk about everything that you
• 28:29
  and I talked about and, you know, talk.
• 28:33
  We're in the perfect position right now to do what you're
• 28:36
  talking about with a little bit of separation because we're
• 28:39
  moving soon. So we'll talk about that.
• 28:44
  Let me, let me give you 2 more things Lila, if I may.
• 28:46
  One of them is a quick story for you.
• 28:48
  So someone very close to me, like a little sister to me, she
• 28:53
  was living with her boyfriend, you know, at one point she, she
• 28:56
  wanted to follow God that she was, you know, they, they, they
• 28:59
  felt like they loved each other. They were very connected with
• 29:02
  each other. They were moved in together and
• 29:04
  she got convicted. You know, at first she wasn't
• 29:07
  convicted. She thought, oh, we love each
• 29:09
  other, we want to get married. But she really thought about it
• 29:12
  and she looked at what God says about marriage and sex and she
• 29:15
  got convicted and she did something really difficult.
• 29:18
  She moved out. They, they, they separated.
• 29:21
  They ended up getting married. You know that they ended, you
• 29:24
  know, he respected that decision in the end and that showed his
• 29:27
  care for her, that he respected that being sexually pure before
• 29:30
  marriage was it was crucial. And of course, once you're
• 29:33
  married, you're still sexually pure, but you're now sexually
• 29:35
  intimate, right? It's the sex is where it
• 29:37
  belongs. But she moved out and it was
• 29:41
  hard. It was not fun, but she felt
• 29:43
  peace because she knew she was living God's way.
• 29:47
  And God blessed that obedience and we brought them together
• 29:51
  again. When they got married, they had
• 29:52
  an amazing honeymoon. You know, they got to move back
• 29:55
  in together. They have multiple children now.
• 29:57
  And God has really blessed that obedience.
• 29:59
  So I want to encourage you that God will bless your obedience
• 30:02
  even when it's difficult. And the second thing I'm going
• 30:04
  to tell you is go pray, you know, go before God and say God,
• 30:08
  give me your wisdom and convict my heart to want to follow your
• 30:13
  law and, and, and, and be your disciple, be your follower.
• 30:17
  And do you have a good spiritual mentor or guide?
• 30:24
  Not really. I think that's going to be key
• 30:28
  for you because we're not meant to do this alone.
• 30:30
  Are you involved with the church?
• 30:33
  I go to a Catholic Church maybe twice a month.
• 30:40
  Awesome. Well, I would go and have you
• 30:42
  met the priest there or have you met you've been involved with
• 30:44
  any of the groups or do you know anybody that goes to that
• 30:46
  church? Yeah, I've got some friends
• 30:49
  there. They've got like a college age
• 30:51
  service at 8:00 PM which is really nice.
• 30:56
  Amazing, amazing. When you go, I want you to go
• 31:00
  there this Sunday and I want you to talk to the leader.
• 31:04
  Is there a leader of it that you've met before you've seen?
• 31:07
  Yeah, there's, yeah, there's like a priest for the youth
• 31:10
  group. Amazing, amazing.
• 31:12
  I want you to go and say, Father, can I talk to you?
• 31:14
  I need to talk to you. And I want you to tell him what
• 31:17
  you're dealing with. And I want you to go to
• 31:19
  confession. Ask him to hear your confession,
• 31:21
  but ask him to help you with that confession, because
• 31:23
  confession is like balm for the soul.
• 31:25
  I go to confession every week. We need confession as Catholics,
• 31:28
  right? And I want you to ask him to
• 31:31
  help you and give you, give you guidance because this is a,
• 31:34
  these are big decisions you're making, right?
• 31:36
  This is your life. This is your, your future.
• 31:39
  So can you? Can you do that?
• 31:40
  Yes, ma'am. Thank you.
• 31:43
  That's great advice. I don't know why I hadn't
• 31:47
  thought of that. Amazing God loves you and he
• 31:51
  wants you back at Mass too on on Sundays that he wants you.
• 31:54
  He wants to be close. You know, he thought is with you
• 31:56
  always, of course, but he wants us to come come to him and he's
• 32:00
  waiting for you in the Mass, you know, in the Eucharist and that
• 32:03
  priest he he he he set up that priest in your life to help you
• 32:07
  and you're you're God's girl. He loves you.
• 32:09
  He wants to he wants you to get all the help you need.
• 32:14
  We good. Yeah, I just, I, I ultimately
• 32:18
  trust that the Lord has my troubles on his thoughts and I
• 32:23
  just pray that he'll either bless our union and let us
• 32:27
  prosper or and be fruitful together, or the Lord will
• 32:31
  rebuke our relationship and prune us from one another,
• 32:34
  however hard that might be. But I'm praying for you, Lila.
• 32:37
  I hope you pray for me. I really appreciate you taking
• 32:39
  my call. Lila, I'm going to definitely
• 32:41
  pray for you sister, and send me an e-mail if you would, if you
• 32:46
  would like to after you talk with this.
• 32:48
  Priest send you an update. Let me know, OK?
• 32:50
  Praying for you. God bless you.
• 32:53
  These things are super tough because a lot of people,
• 32:55
  including Christians, you know, in our culture today find
• 32:58
  themselves in this book because everyone's doing it right.
• 32:59
  It's the common knowledge of if you really love each other, you,
• 33:02
  you want to get married one day, but you can't for whatever
• 33:04
  reason, just move in together and then figure it out later.
• 33:07
  And so a lot of people do this, but it's not the plan that God
• 33:11
  has. It's not God's plan.
• 33:12
  You know, sex before marriage is outside of God's plan.
• 33:14
  And there's a reason for that. And there's the other reality.
• 33:18
  You know, I didn't share it with Lila on the call, but you know,
• 33:20
  if Lila, you're listening now, according to the data, you're
• 33:24
  40. I think it's 7% more likely to
• 33:27
  get a divorce if you cohabitate before marriage.
• 33:30
  Divorce is actually more likely, not less if you cohabitate
• 33:33
  before marriage. And you might ask, why is that?
• 33:35
  And it's because you're going in there with that mindset of I
• 33:37
  think this is going to work out. I hope this works out.
• 33:40
  But obviously it's not there yet.
• 33:41
  And we're still living like we're married even when we're
• 33:43
  not. So you're setting up habits
• 33:45
  already of your thought of even your intimacy sexually,
• 33:48
  everything where it's like, hey, I might end up piercing out on
• 33:51
  this even though I'm feeling, you know, and I'm living as if
• 33:54
  we're married. So I would highly encourage, you
• 33:56
  know, God's law is perfect. It really helps us.
• 33:58
  It's there. It's there to give us a life of
• 34:01
  ultimately the right order so we can live in peace.
• 34:04
  We can live in harmony with others.
• 34:06
  And so let's pray obviously for each other.
• 34:08
  A lot of people are getting our culture is crazy and I just want
• 34:11
  to encourage you. Lila, thank you so much for
• 34:13
  calling. I'm really honored that you
• 34:14
  called and shared you know what you're going through right now.
• 34:16
  I'm going to be praying for you and excited to hear how it goes
• 34:19
  with the priest next week. Hey guys, we are now in Lent,
• 34:22
  the 40 day period leading up to Good Friday and Easter filled
• 34:26
  with prayer, fasting, almsgiving, sacrifice, and
• 34:30
  surrender. I'm so excited about Hallows
• 34:33
  Pray 40 Challenge to draw us closer to God this Lent.
• 34:37
  Hallows Pray 40 Challenge is using the incredible spiritual
• 34:41
  masterpiece The Way to help us draw closer to Jesus Christ.
• 34:46
  The Way is a series of small challenges, encouragements, and
• 34:49
  exhortations that tell us how to deepen our relationship with
• 34:53
  God. What's very fun about the Pray
• 34:55
  40 Challenge at Hallow is it's going to be narrated by some
• 34:59
  amazing folks like Mark Wahlberg and Chris Pratt.
• 35:02
  You'll also be hearing from Jonathan Rumi and Sister Mary
• 35:05
  and James who will lead you through meditations and prayers.
• 35:09
  This is already shaping up to be the best Lent ever with
• 35:12
  thousands of people already joining the Pray 40 Challenge.
• 35:15
  So don't wait. You can sign up and join for
• 35:18
  free by going to hallow.com slash Lila.
• 35:22
  You can get the first three months free.
• 35:23
  Do your entire Lent free. Download the Hallo app today and
• 35:26
  jump start your Prey 40 challenge now.
• 35:29
  Go to hollow.com/lila. Hi, Leanna.
• 35:33
  Hi, Lila. Hi, so nice to talk to you.
• 35:37
  Thank you for calling. Yes, I am a really really big
• 35:42
  fan. I've been watching you for like
• 35:45
  2 years now. Well, I'm so honored you called.
• 35:49
  I'm so excited to talk to you. So thank you and thank you for
• 35:51
  listening to the show. That means a lot to me.
• 35:54
  Yes. So should I ask my question?
• 35:57
  I'd love that. I would love that.
• 35:59
  Thank you. So my husband and I just joined
• 36:03
  the church. He was baptized as a baby, so
• 36:07
  the process was a bit easier for him.
• 36:10
  I'm going to be baptized on Easter but they they taught us
• 36:17
  about natural family planning and I've always been confused
• 36:23
  about how that works. Like my question is what is the
• 36:29
  difference between using birth control and using natural family
• 36:33
  planning? How can you be open to children
• 36:37
  while also trying to avoid pregnancy?
• 36:40
  Yes, thank you, Liana. First of all, I just got to say
• 36:43
  I am so happy for you and your husband, for your marriage, your
• 36:47
  beautiful marriage and for joining the church.
• 36:49
  What a beautiful, beautiful story you guys are living.
• 36:52
  So congratulations and I'm so excited you're going to be
• 36:55
  baptized soon. Wow, thank you.
• 36:58
  Amazing. We just.
• 37:00
  Had our second baby in January. Oh my gosh, congratulations.
• 37:04
  That is so wonderful. I'm so happy for you guys.
• 37:07
  We got two kids. Yes, look.
• 37:09
  At you how beautiful. Wow, well, listen, this is a
• 37:13
  very good question and I, you know, I think a lot of people,
• 37:15
  especially when they're just kind of discovering, you know,
• 37:18
  the faith, especially the Catholic churches teachings on
• 37:21
  NFP, it can seem a little confusing.
• 37:23
  So totally understandable question.
• 37:25
  And I, I remember when I was becoming Catholic, learning
• 37:28
  about the church's teaching on contraception was really eye
• 37:32
  opening for me. So great question.
• 37:34
  What is the difference between using NFP to avoid having
• 37:38
  children? It sounds like you're asking
• 37:40
  versus birth control, right? Yep.
• 37:43
  All right, so the first thing is the biggest difference here is
• 37:47
  that NFP works within God's natural design for the human
• 37:53
  body. And contraception is an
• 37:56
  artificial method that interferes with God's natural
• 38:00
  design. So with NFP, you're using the
• 38:03
  design of your body, your fertility.
• 38:05
  As a woman, you know you're only fertile a few days a month,
• 38:08
  right? And you're working within the
• 38:10
  design of your body without this artificial act that is
• 38:14
  interfering with sex, right? And so there's 2 core ways to
• 38:19
  think about what sex God's design for sex and the moral
• 38:23
  teaching like why does the church church teach this morally
• 38:26
  about birth control. Sex is designed to bring life
• 38:29
  into the world as you know how you've had two babies and it's
• 38:33
  designed for intimacy, right to bring bond you 2 together.
• 38:36
  The primary purpose though, is bringing that life into the
• 38:38
  world. So anything that we do to
• 38:41
  frustrate God's natural design, like we're having sex, we may be
• 38:45
  fertile, right? But we are using a condom or
• 38:48
  birth control pill to prevent that fertility from really, you
• 38:52
  know, having, having the potential of bringing life into
• 38:55
  the world, right? You know, actually conceiving a
• 38:57
  baby, that goes against God's moral law, the natural law.
• 39:02
  But if you are not having sex, right, there's no sort of
• 39:07
  command that says you have to have sex every single time
• 39:10
  you're fertile. You know, like there's no sort
• 39:11
  of moral law that says you're married.
• 39:13
  You have to have sex every time you're fertile.
• 39:14
  Obviously, for many different reasons, a couple may not have
• 39:17
  sex when they're fertile or when they're not fertile.
• 39:20
  Like that's, you know, the, the, the command is to love each
• 39:23
  other, right? And sometimes loving each other
• 39:26
  means avoiding sex because maybe someone is sick or, you know,
• 39:29
  there's all kinds of other, you know, dynamics, right?
• 39:32
  So sex is beautiful and good, but not having sex is part of
• 39:36
  God's plan. You know, obviously most of the
• 39:38
  time when you're married, you're not having sex.
• 39:40
  You're living your lives. It's, you know, you're doing
• 39:41
  your stuff, but it's when you frustrate the sexual act by in,
• 39:46
  you know, putting contraception on it that goes against God's
• 39:50
  plan. So that's the really simplest
• 39:51
  way to think about this is birth controls artificial?
• 39:54
  It's frustrating, God's natural design, but then just abstaining
• 39:57
  from sex is perfectly moral and natural It You know couples do
• 40:01
  that all the time, or they choose to be intimate, right?
• 40:04
  And so are we? Are we?
• 40:06
  Does that? Is that making sense?
• 40:07
  That makes a lot of sense. My sister just asked me what the
• 40:11
  difference was yesterday, so I'm so glad I have all of these
• 40:15
  points now. Amazing, amazing.
• 40:17
  And you know, one other, one other thing to think about too,
• 40:20
  is when you're practicing NFP and that means you're aware of
• 40:25
  each other's bodies and understanding prudentially, you
• 40:29
  know, you're, you're making decisions based on a lot of
• 40:32
  conversation and prayer about your family.
• 40:34
  Like, hey, I, I, we'd love to have another child right now.
• 40:36
  We really want to maybe try for a child when we're fertile.
• 40:39
  Or maybe there's a grave reason, maybe a medical reason, right?
• 40:44
  There's a grave reason to say, hey, maybe we should wait a few
• 40:47
  months before trying for a baby or, you know, having sex when
• 40:50
  we're fertile. That's the beauty of God's
• 40:53
  design, right? In that there's a part of our
• 40:55
  fertility cycle as women when we're not fertile.
• 40:58
  It's actually the majority of our fertility cycle is when
• 41:01
  we're not fertile. And so we can avoid having
• 41:03
  intercourse when we are fertile if we have a grave reason to
• 41:07
  delay having a child or space children.
• 41:09
  So God did that design for a reason so that couples can, you
• 41:13
  know, make those decisions together.
• 41:14
  Prayer, you know, with prayer. And it is a way of, you know,
• 41:17
  naturally planning your family. So it's, it's amazing how our
• 41:21
  faith has all of these things, you know, this, these beautiful
• 41:23
  truths that it, it provides for us so that we can have these
• 41:26
  beautiful Christian marriages. Yes.
• 41:29
  Can I ask you one follow up question?
• 41:33
  So like the doctors teach us women, like my gynecologist
• 41:38
  teach us women to wait at least 18 months before trying to start
• 41:43
  having another baby for health reasons.
• 41:46
  Do you agree with that? Because personally, I don't know
• 41:50
  if I should listen to the doctors that are the same ones
• 41:53
  pushing on this birth control on women when we know that it's not
• 41:57
  good for our bodies. It is a very good question.
• 42:00
  Birth control is definitely not good for your body and it.
• 42:02
  It is really sad how a lot of doctors, not all immediately
• 42:07
  after you deliver babies say, what's your birth control plan?
• 42:10
  I mean, it's, it's really offensive.
• 42:11
  Honestly, it's, it's, it's really messed up that that
• 42:13
  happens in our, in our, a lot of our medical system today.
• 42:16
  And there are pro-life doctors and you know, Catholic doctors
• 42:20
  who are really practicing the faith.
• 42:21
  They're not going to say that to you, right?
• 42:23
  But it's hard. It can be hard to find them.
• 42:25
  So I would just stick to your guns and be like, listen, I
• 42:27
  don't use contraception. I'm Catholic.
• 42:28
  So that's not happening. But then, you know, the thing
• 42:32
  about the 18 months, I, I think it, it's really depends on the
• 42:35
  individual woman, right? Obviously I'm not a doctor and
• 42:38
  I'm not, you know, you know, in your medical records, I wouldn't
• 42:41
  be able to, you know, help with that because I'm not a doctor.
• 42:43
  But I can tell you for a fact there's a lot of pro-life, you
• 42:47
  know, Catholic doctors who would not give that advice depending
• 42:50
  on the woman, right? So I think the cultural trend of
• 42:53
  like, don't have a baby for at least 18 months, you know,
• 42:56
  that's a, that's what some doctors are saying, but there's
• 42:59
  other doctors who say that's not necessarily the best thing for
• 43:03
  every woman and they wouldn't recommend that.
• 43:05
  So I think it depends on the doctor you're going to talk to.
• 43:07
  You probably would get varying, varying advice.
• 43:10
  And I would, at the end of the day, you follow your conscience
• 43:12
  as a Catholic, right? And, you know, if you can,
• 43:16
  finding a Catholic Doctor Who's aligned with your beliefs would
• 43:19
  be ideal, you know, so they can really help you and work with
• 43:22
  you. But I wouldn't, you know, I
• 43:24
  would take that kind of advice, especially when they're giving
• 43:27
  it like they give it to everybody, blanket the same
• 43:29
  advice. I would take it with a grain of
• 43:30
  salt. OK.
• 43:32
  All right. Well, that answers all my
• 43:34
  questions. Thank you for calling Liana, and
• 43:37
  so happy for you. I'm so happy.
• 43:39
  I'm going to be praying for you and you know, just excited for
• 43:42
  you and all the beautiful things God's doing in your family.
• 43:45
  And congratulations again on your baby.
• 43:47
  And I again, so happy you called it.
• 43:49
  I loved getting to talk to you. Thank you so much.
• 43:52
  This was such a such a pleasure. Thank you.
• 43:54
  Thank you, Liana. God bless.
• 43:56
  Thank you. Bye.
• 43:57
  Bye. Bye.
• 43:59
  Absolutely love this call. And thank you so much, Liana,
• 44:01
  for calling. Let's pray for her.
• 44:02
  It's super exciting that she's going to be baptized in just a
• 44:05
  few weeks. Amazing.
• 44:07
  And yeah, this is a common misunderstanding and culture
• 44:09
  today about contraception, NFP, birth control, all of these
• 44:13
  things. Because what's baked in in our
• 44:15
  culture today is like, yeah, of course you should go on
• 44:18
  contraception. I mean, teen girls are put on it
• 44:20
  for acne even. And if you have a child, you
• 44:24
  know, a lot of medical doctors will just be like, yeah, get out
• 44:26
  of contraceptive right away. I mean, I remember I had our my
• 44:29
  last baby and I was in the hospital and some like nurse
• 44:32
  walked in and said, what's your birth control plan?
• 44:34
  And I was like birth control, we, we don't do that here.
• 44:37
  It's like with that, no, my plan is no, that's my plan.
• 44:40
  So I think there's a unfortunately a disrespect in
• 44:44
  our medical community today for the real nature of sex and this
• 44:49
  pushing this promotion of contraception.
• 44:52
  So very proud of Leanna and the teaching of our faith and
• 44:57
  natural law. The natural order about sex is
• 44:59
  so beautiful. Our bodies as women have a
• 45:02
  natural rhythm. We're referral a few days a
• 45:05
  month and in a marriage, you work together as a couple to
• 45:08
  respect and understand each other's bodies and work within
• 45:11
  God's design. There where if you need to space
• 45:13
  or avoid children for a period of time, you get to know your
• 45:16
  body and your fertility cycle so that you can space and and time
• 45:21
  when you're going to be intimate so that you're not intimate when
• 45:23
  you're fertile. It's all built in.
• 45:25
  Obviously it takes a lot of communication and self
• 45:27
  knowledge, but it's very, very beautiful and ultimately, I
• 45:30
  think creates more intimacy, quite frankly, between the
• 45:32
  spouses. All right, guys, thank you so
• 45:35
  much for listening to this inaugural call in show of the
• 45:38
  Lila Roche show. I absolutely loved getting to
• 45:40
  talk to some of you. Please call me anytime, call us,
• 45:43
  leave a voicemail. I'd love to hear from you and I
• 45:45
  want to hear what you guys think.
• 45:47
  Again, our show community has some really incredible people
• 45:51
  full of wisdom, passion, good conscience, people wanting to
• 45:55
  learn and grow themselves. I want to hear your thoughts.
• 45:58
  So leave them in the comments and maybe some of our callers
• 46:01
  will check out those comments as well.
• 46:03
  And don't forget, you can always e-mail, tell me Lila at
• 46:05
  gtbmedia.com. That's Lila at gtbmedia.com.
• 46:09
  I'd love to hear from you. And don't forget to call.
• 46:11
  You can call at 409-234-4689. That's 409-234-4689.
• 46:18
  The way it works is you leave a voicemail.
• 46:20
  Keely, our amazing producer will get in touch with you and
• 46:23
  schedule a possible call. And I look forward to talking to
• 46:26
  you on air over at the Lila Rose Show.
• 46:29
  And a huge thank you to EWTN Eternal Word Television Network,
• 46:32
  which is the largest religious broadcaster in the world.
• 46:35
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• 46:39
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• 46:43
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• 46:45
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