Latest / The Virtual Couch / Navigating Societal Expectations, Faith Crisis and Personal Growth - the Allegory “Off the Beaten Path”

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Navigating Societal Expectations, Faith Crisis and Personal Growth - the Allegory “Off the Beaten Path” · The Virtual Couch

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Music.
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Welcome to a very special edition of The Virtual Couch and Waking Up to Narcissism,
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episodes 429 and 123, respectively.
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I am your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist.
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And I'm broadcasting today from my office in Mesa, Arizona.
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And I have a co-star who is a cricket that I cannot locate, but he will be featured in the background.
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Now, if you are in the Mesa area, Phoenix area, looking for somebody to come
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speak to your church, your corporate event, please reach out to me.
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And I love talking about communication, improving your marriage,
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parenting, turning away from unhealthy coping mechanisms.
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And if you are savvy to the rules of the internet, then unhealthy coping mechanisms
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are things like corn or pornography.
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I hope you catch the drift, but reach out to me at contact at Tony over bay.com.
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And I would also encourage you to sign up for my newsletter and follow me on
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Instagram at virtual couch and Tik TOK at virtual couch. I'm continuing to do
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live question and answer events with my daughters, Mackie and Sydney.
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And those are the highlights of my week.
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And I hope you heard and enjoyed the new intro song today.
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It's a song that will be featured prominently on the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast.
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And it's called Not My Job. It's by Riley Hope.
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And she is an amazingly talented independent recording artist,
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composer, singer, songwriter, and producer.
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And she liked a reel on Instagram. And I happened to click on her account to
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see what she did, because she had one of those little blue check marks.
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And I was immediately met with the song on her account, and I was hooked.
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So, I reached out to her, and she was kind enough to give me the ability to
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share her song as an intro for waking up to narcissism.
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And I thought that there was no better place to debut the song than on a crossover episode.
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So, my virtual couch people will have a chance to hear her music as well.
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And so Riley says that she is working to blend the genres of cinematic orchestral
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indie folk pop into a deeply emotional and unique soundscape.
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She says that her music draws inspiration from the nostalgia of her earlier
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roots in classical music and choir.
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She does theater. She blends this emotion and symbolism and deeper life truths
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and vulnerability and storytelling with every song.
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If you listen to the words of Not My Job, it's beautiful because it's not my
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job to manage other people's emotions. It's a deep track written in what took
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her years of therapy to finally learn, including self-worth and boundaries and
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the power of choosing yourself.
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So you can find it wherever music is streamed.
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So let's get to today's episode. And I would highly encourage you to stay until
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the end or come back and finish this one if you run out of time.
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Because I'm going to share some things at the end today that I can actually
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use your help with that will have a bit to do with the topic.
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But first, I have always enjoyed writing, and while I think that most people
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who enjoy writing often excel in classes like English, that was not the case
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for me. My problem was grammar.
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And kids, if you're listening, imagine a world where there was no such thing
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as the Grammarly app or browser extensions, so you were, I don't know,
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supposed to just know or learn what grammar was.
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And grammar is tough, because I still can remember some of my favorites,
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the rules, I before E except after C except
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for when it sounds like a like neighbor and way but also how about
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words like weird and sovereign and foreign and height and leisure
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and feisty and forfeit and counterfeit and slay and then there's
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a concept called the split infinitive the rule against splitting infinitives
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putting a word between two and a verb is often taught but doesn't always make
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sense in modern English for example to boldly go is a split infinitive but it's
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accepted and it sounds a lot better than to go boldly and then there's my kryptonite
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ending sentences with prepositions,
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because the old rule, never end a sentence with a preposition used to get marked
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on my papers constantly.
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But that can lead to some very awkward constructions of sentences.
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For instance, this one's attributed to Winston Churchill.
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He said, the kind of arrogance up with which I will not put.
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Sounds far more unnatural than this is the kind of arrogance I will not put
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up with. But we can't end that sentence with a preposition.
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But one thing that I will say that I enjoyed learning about were the different
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ways which you can convey a meaning or tell a story.
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And over on the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast, I have listeners who regularly send me their poetry.
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And that is a form of expression that I know that I don't truly understand how
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it comes about in one's mind, but I love reading the poems that people send
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in. And I've done entire episodes on them.
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And for the record, some of them don't even rhyme.
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And I've been told on more than one occasion, again, over on the Waking Up to
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Narcissism podcast, that some of those podcasts that I do will have different
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meanings to people depending on where one is that waking up to their own emotional
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immaturity or behaviors or those in their spouse or their partner.
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So when you truly understand who you are and you can remain grounded in a difficult
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conversation, the phrase, well, bless their heart.
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If they want to tell me what they think that I should do about my life,
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because I've realized that I am actually the one who is ultimately in charge of me.
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But if you're grounded, then I'm happy to hear what you have to say.
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But the chances are, I will thank you for your feedback about what you think
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I'm doing or thinking or what I need to do because that truly does sound like
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more of something that you are struggling with.
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But when somebody is in the throes of an unhealthy relationship and they feel
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emotionally abused and they don't have a true sense of self,
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then the phrase, bless their heart,
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sounds like I don't have a clue of how difficult the relationship is.
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Let's talk about a few literary devices and one in particular, the allegory.
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And we're going to spend some time on the allegory today because I've written
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my very first allegory and I would love for you to go on this journey with me,
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this allegorical journey of self-discovery.
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An allegory is a story or a poem or a picture that can be interpreted to reveal
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a hidden meaning, not like in a where's Waldo type of hiding,
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but typically more of a moral or a political or a life meaning that is hidden inside of a story.
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So it's like an extended metaphor where characters and events and settings often
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stand for abstract ideas or moral qualities.
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A couple of just real quick examples to set the stage for today,
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an allegory called the garden of hearts might be a story about a gardener who
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is tending to different types of flowers, and each one represents a different
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kind of, let's say, love, romantic, familial, friendship.
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So the gardener's efforts to nurture each flower, despite varying conditions,
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would then symbolize the challenges
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and rewards of cultivating different types of love in one's life.
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Or imagine a flock of birds that are in a cage, the doors open,
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but they don't fly away because they've never known anything else.
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This could represent people who remain in limiting situations,
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even when opportunities for change present themselves.
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That allegory speaks to a lot of the people that I'm working with in therapy.
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But today, we are going to explore an allegory titled Off the Beaten Path,
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Finding Love and Self in a World of Conformity.
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And the story takes us on a journey up a hill, but it's not just any hill and
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it's not just any journey because we're going to follow a protagonist,
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a young man named Ansel, and we'll discover that sometimes the path less traveled
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can lead to the most beautiful destinations.
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I would love for you to watch for themes of individuality, of conformity,
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of love, of self-discovery in a way that might just make you look at your own
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life's journey or the journey of somebody close to you a little differently.
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Let's step off this beaten path together and let's see where this story takes us.
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Off the beaten path, finding love and self in a world of conformity.
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Ansel was a young man who had spent his entire life in a quiet village at the
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bottom of a very large hill.
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And for as long as Ansel could remember, the majority of the villagers talked
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about a narrow, rocky path that led up the hill to the most beautiful garden that one could imagine.
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And when the children of the village reached a certain age, they were given seeds to hold on to.
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And they were told that one day, when they were older, if they stayed true to
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their promises that they had made in their youth, they would have this opportunity
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to plant the seeds in this beautiful garden,
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a garden where their parents and grandparents and great-grandparents had also
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planted seeds that were part of this garden.
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And entering the beautiful garden, planting your seeds there was truly a rite
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of passage, and it was this foundational principle for the people that lived in the village.
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For most, if not nearly all of the villagers, the goal of taking your seeds
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to the top of the hill and planting in this beautiful garden was simply what you did.
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Few questioned this time-worn village narrative, and most of the people seemed
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quite content with their lives.
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They were successfully learning and doing the things necessary to ensure that
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they lived in such a way that they would have the opportunity to not only see
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the garden, but to plant their seeds there and become part of the beautifully
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connected garden tapestry of their ancestors.
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And this gave them the peace and joy of knowing that they had done what was
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expected of them throughout their lives.
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Now, the route up the hill to the garden wasn't ordinary.
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It consisted of a deeply rutted, worn path that featured numerous rocks and
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roots that at times made it really difficult to traverse.
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And a great deal of time was spent studying the path, learning and memorizing
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where each obstacle was, to the point that many of the elderly women and elderly
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men of the group could describe the path inch by inch with their eyes closed.
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To ensure that they would remember, they often associated stories or meanings
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with the various obstacles on the path.
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So over the course of generations, these stories evolved and they grew to the
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point that there was often debate about what the exact meaning of these stories
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were and even whether or not the stories were true.
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Now for the youth of the village, the desire to reach the top of the hill and
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the praise and the adoration, the validation that came to those who could memorize
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the route at a very young age or tell those stories about the various obstacles
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along the way, that became a pretty key focus.
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So as a kid, Ansel would sometimes have the opportunity to walk the path with
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his parents or one of the village leaders, and they would get to the park at
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the top of the hill with the entrance to the garden in sight and spend the afternoon
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having a picnic or simply enjoying the peace and calm that the park provided.
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But Ansel, being the energetic kid that he was, would often venture off from
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his family under the guise of finding a walking stick maybe for the way back,
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and he'd wander over to the entrance of the garden and take in its beauty.
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And inevitably, one of the garden workers would kindly escort him back to his family.
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The grown-ups kept telling him you have to wait until you're older to actually
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go into the garden and plant your seeds.
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But the more you get ready for it now, the better that your life will be.
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What Ansel could see of the garden, it did look pretty amazing.
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And he noticed how peaceful everybody seemed when they came back from this garden.
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People were always talking about these powerful experiences that they had up there.
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And for many of the villagers, the path, the park, and the garden formed the
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majority of what they talked about.
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And so, they loved to share with the younger people in the village how important
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it was to prepare yourself to walk the path and enter this garden, this beautiful garden.
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Even some of Ansel's friends would go on and on about how connected they felt
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to the hill where the garden resided.
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And they would compare where each other was and memorizing the path of the garden, sharing the stories.
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The kids were the popular ones in the village that knew those stories well.
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But as hard as Ansel tried, and he'd been trying for a long time,
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he just didn't feel that same connection that others did with this hill or the
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same desire to enter the garden.
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And he tried everything that people told him to do and everything that they
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said to try to feel the same feelings that others had about the hill or the garden on top.
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But that connection that everybody talked about, it just really wasn't happening for him.
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And this was a really, really difficult time for Ansel because he started feeling
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disconnected from everybody in the village and from his peers.
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And he kept wondering, what is wrong with me? Why isn't this working?
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And he would spend hour upon hour, day after day, trying to figure out what
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he was doing wrong, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he would start to feel what
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everybody else was feeling.
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Now, Ansel's parents loved him like crazy. And they were always talking to him
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about what he needed to do to get ready for the garden.
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And they tried to conduct lessons about the path and the stories about it.
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Those lessons left Ansel feeling like he wasn't really understanding the significance
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of the garden or the worth of spending hours each week talking and learning about the path.
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And Ansel knew that they just wanted the best for him, but he couldn't help
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feeling like he was actually letting them down.
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They'd catch him drawing or reading things that had nothing to do with the path
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or the garden. And while they never said it outright, Ansel felt their disappointment.
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And they were more interested in him focusing on what they would call important
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things than what he was actually into.
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As Ansel got older, he kept walking the path up the hill just to be in the vicinity
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of the garden, just like everybody else in his family had done.
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But he just couldn't shake this feeling that something was off.
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And everybody else seemed to fit in so easily. His friends, his family,
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they had no problem keeping their eyes on the path, following all the rules.
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And they seem to really get something out of all of the shared experiences that
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the villages were having with one another.
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And according to Ansel's parents, he'd actually come out of the womb mischievous
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and curious, a combination of character traits that his parents admitted were
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pretty challenging at times, especially when he was young.
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But they were also what made Ansel the person that he was. And they loved Ansel's curiosity.
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But they often tried to steer that curiosity to the things that they,
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as his parents, thought would help him learn more about what they believed to
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be one of the most important things that he could do with his life,
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prepare to go to the garden, plant these seeds.
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But the older that Ansel got, the more inner turmoil he had.
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And he began to feel extremely detached from his village and the desires to
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learn more about the path or go to the garden.
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Ansel had no desire to try and convince anybody that what they were doing was
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wrong, but he was becoming increasingly more frustrated and isolated as he went
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through the motions without feeling truly connected to his village or to their shared experiences.
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He just wanted somebody, anybody,
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to tell him that it was okay for him to just be the way that he was.
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But whenever he opened up to somebody, they, even being nice,
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would just give him the same advice about getting back on the path,
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climbing that hill, trying to embrace the significance of the garden,
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and finding meaning there.
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And Ansel appreciated that they cared, and he could feel that caring,
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but at this point, he really had heard it all before, and he had tried it all
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before so many times, and it just wasn't working.
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And he just felt like, what is wrong with me?
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And to make things even more confusing, when he would attempt to jump back into
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the teachings and do the work and jump in there with both feet,
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people in the village couldn't seem to agree on how to even teach the concepts
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of the garden and the path that led up to it.
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Some of the elders took a more negative slant, more doom and gloom.
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These warnings about how dangerous it was if you did not stay directly on that
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path that led up to the hill.
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They'd say things like, don't you dare take your eyes off that path or you'll
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end up broken. You'll end up destroyed.
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But then others would take a completely opposite approach and share amazing
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faith-promoting stories about the times that they had climbed the hill,
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walking the path of the garden, and what that meant to them.
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Many people now found peace just walking up to the hill.
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Ansel was lost and he'd ask his parents, who am I supposed to listen to?
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The people who are trying to scare me up the hill are the people who are claiming
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that every single thing about the path and the hill has a sacred meaning,
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and so if I don't figure this out, I'm really missing out.
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And his parents would lovingly say, hey, whichever one keeps you on that path.
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The problem was, none of them really felt like it was motivating Ansel,
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and he felt like he couldn't be honest about his thoughts and his feelings without
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somebody shutting him down and giving him advice that he'd already tried so many times.
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So over time, Ansel started to realize just how different he was from the people of his village.
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While everybody else was laser focused on the path, memorizing all the details,
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Ansel's eyes would actually wander and his curiosity would take over.
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He would often look around while he was on the path. And some of what he saw
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off the path, yeah, looked pretty scary.
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But he also noticed these other gardens in the distance and trees and flowers,
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and they just look beautiful and mysterious.
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But every time somebody caught Ansel looking away from the path,
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they'd scold him, hey, keep your eyes on the path.
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They'd tell him, it's the only way that you're really going to make it to the top.
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But Ansel couldn't help it. His curiosity was now just a part of who he was.
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It was what he was born with.
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This curiosity of his, it wasn't just about the path. It was how Ansel approached
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everything in life. He saw his curiosity as a gift.
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But when other people didn't share his curiosity, or worse, when they attacked
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him for it, it really hurt.
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Because Ansel wasn't trying to tell anybody that they were wrong.
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He just wanted to understand people and their experiences.
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And deep down, he really wished somebody would be curious about his experiences too.
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Now, sometimes Ansel would try to talk about these things, these other gardens that he would see.
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But as soon as he brought them up, his friends would shut him down.
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They would tell him, hey, you're wasting your time and you need to focus on
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the garden at the top of the hill and not go looking at these other gardens
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because those are scary.
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But then one day, Ansel meets a woman. Her name's Maris. She was walking the path too.
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She was carrying her seeds from the elders, trying to memorize every little
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thing about the path. But there was something different about her.
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Ansel felt this instant connection. And she seemed genuinely curious,
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especially about what they were experiencing on the path right then and there.
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She did want to hear what his experience was in the here and now.
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And Ansel couldn't get enough of talking to Maris. And they started spending
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more and more time together.
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And Ansel found himself somewhat reinvigorated to learn and understand the path
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because he really wanted to learn and understand more about Maris.
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And as they got closer, Ansel opened up to her about his hopes and his dreams.
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And the best part was, Maris wanted to know more about them too.
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And they talked about all sorts of things, but often the talk would turn back
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to concepts about the path or the garden.
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And while Maris' outlook was refreshing, to say the very least,
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Ansel still felt like he had to withhold some of his feelings,
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not just about the path or the garden, but especially about what he had seen off the path.
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Now, the closer that they got, the more stressed out Ansel became because he
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worried that Maris thought that he was just like everybody else,
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all focused just entirely on the path in the garden.
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And the more they talked, the more anxious he became.
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And he was convinced that if Maris really knew how he really thought differently
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about the garden or the path and where his interest actually lay,
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that she would not want to be with him.
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And if she found out that he'd wandered off the path and planted seeds in these
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other gardens, gardens that he'd discovered, game over is what Ansel thought.
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And Ansel became so stressed about this that he was thinking about, I just
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have to spill everything to maris he figured if things were going to
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fall apart then better know sooner than later and he
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didn't want to get in any deeper only to have maris leave when she found out
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who he really was so just as ansel was about to pour his heart out he ran into
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an elder from the village this guy was a little different from the others he
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was pretty calm he's pretty confident not in a show-off kind of way he just
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seemed at peace with himself.
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So feeling very lost, Ansel told the elder everything.
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The elder listened. He asked some questions. Then he said to Ansel,
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are you really ready to share everything about you with Maris?
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Or are you just hoping that she'll tell you it's okay to be different?
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Is this about her? Or is this about your fear of rejection? Your fear of being
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seen for who you really are?
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And then the elder went on to talk about patience. And how being uncomfortable
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is often where we learn the most about ourselves. And we can see the most about others.
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And he asked Ansel, when we're uncomfortable, what do we do?
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Do we lash out? Do we shut down?
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Do we just keep following along, even when everything inside of us is screaming
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that something is wrong? That I need to do something different?
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And this made Ansel stop, and he thought, and he realized he wasn't ready to
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show Maris his garden. Not because it wasn't good enough, but because he hadn't
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fully accepted it himself yet.
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He was trying to get Maris to validate something that he wasn't so sure about
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himself, and that wasn't fair to her, because she was just getting to know him, after all.
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So instead of sharing everything at once, Ansel decided to wait.
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He kept being curious about Maris, her journey, her family, her past,
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what she thought about the garden on the hill.
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He asked her how she felt about the path. Had she ever wondered about the parts
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that everybody else ignored?
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Meanwhile, Ansel kept visiting his own garden and he started to see that this
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was where he felt real peace and he felt connection like he had never felt before.
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Part of him wanted to shout it
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from the rooftops, but he also knew that he didn't need everybody to know.
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He wasn't trying to pull anyone away from what they were doing or what made them happy.
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And Ansel finally started to realize he was actually okay, just as he was,
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and that this was his journey.
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All of his experiences, even the tough ones, had made him into who he was,
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this unique, talented person.
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And the more he accepted himself, the more confident he became.
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People in the village started to notice. They saw that he wasn't spending as
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much time on the path, but they also saw this new light in his eyes,
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this joy in his countenance.
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Even better, the more time that Ansel spent with Maris and the more that he
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understood her and then he opened up, he started to see that Maris wasn't as
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rigid about the path as he thought, that she had her own doubts too because
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it was part of the human experience.
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Sometimes she wondered if the garden at the top would be anything like what the elders described.
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And she even told Ansel that she sometimes imagined adding her own style on
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the way up the path. She was scared to speak up.
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She'd seen how people had shared different ideas, got shut down,
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and told to focus on obeying these rules that would eventually help them discover
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their place in the garden.
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So as Ansel and Maris spent more time together, Ansel had this realization that
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their gardens didn't have to be the same for them to appreciate each other's beauty.
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By letting go of his need for Maris to immediately validate him,
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Ansel gave their relationship room to grow naturally, just like the wildflowers
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in his own garden. And end scene.
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So thank you for listening to this allegory, and I want to address some of the
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main themes that I've written to and see if you pulled these out.
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One of them was individuality versus conformity, because the central conflict
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of this allegory revolves around Ansel's struggle to fit into a society that
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had pretty rigid expectations.
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And I think that this represents the tension that a lot of people feel between
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being true to themselves and then conforming to societal norms.
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And what I think is so interesting here is that there's nothing wrong with someone
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who does need direction and guidance until they don't.
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We all start from this place of needing external validation to really know who
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we are, to really find our own sense of self.
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And so that is going to come from parents, that is going to come from a church
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community, that is going to come from a village, a family system.
21:28
There's where the acceptance comes in, that we grow up where we do and we learn
21:32
the things that we do because that's the things that the people in our religious
21:36
community, in our family community, that's the things that they teach us,
21:39
what they're sharing, what they're projecting.
21:41
But those are the experiences that we begin with. There's our starting point.
21:45
That is the muse of which we begin understanding who we are in life.
21:49
It makes sense that for so long, many of us are going to just follow along with
21:54
the community norms, the religious community norms, the societal norms,
21:58
the family norms, because that's what we know.
22:00
But then as you go through life and you experience different things,
22:03
then you are going to have different feelings.
22:05
Now, sometimes it's going to be a feeling of safety or security or connection,
22:09
and it's going to feel like this makes so much sense to me.
22:11
But other times you're going to think, okay, the feelings that I'm feeling now
22:14
are going against how I've been told I need to feel or I'm supposed to feel in this situation.
22:20
So, of course, we're going to start from a place of what is wrong with me because
22:22
this is the way that I was raised. These are the things that I was taught to believe.
22:26
Which then I think leads into the second theme that I tried to put in the allegory,
22:32
which is about faith and doubt.
22:33
While not explicitly religious, this story uses the garden and the path as metaphors
22:39
for a variety of belief systems.
22:41
Because Ansel's doubts, his questions, I think they reflect the experiences
22:44
is so many people that I work with are struggling with their inherited belief systems.
22:49
So they've been given these belief systems and that's their starting point,
22:53
which I think leads to the third theme, which is this, I love a good coming
22:57
of age story, you know, self-discovery.
22:59
Ansel's journey from childhood to adulthood is marked by his growing awareness
23:03
that his own unique perspective and his own unique needs exist.
23:07
And I think those symbolize this universal process of self-discovery that as
23:12
we go through life and as we're interacting with the things that we have been
23:16
interacting with that give us a real purpose or sense of self.
23:20
We're going to have feelings. And some of those, again, will feel like this
23:24
connection with my experience.
23:26
Others will feel like this doesn't work for me. This doesn't make sense to me.
23:30
It just kind of leads to the fourth theme, the nature of things like truth and knowledge.
23:34
The village's insistence on one right path, well, that worked for a lot of the
23:39
people in the village, for even generations of people, entire family systems.
23:43
But it contrasted with Ansel's curiosity about the other gardens.
23:47
And I think it really speaks to questions about, from an allegorical theme,
23:52
absolute versus relative truth.
23:53
And I run into that in my office a lot where people will say,
23:57
but I do believe there is an absolute truth, an absolute right or wrong,
24:00
where then for others, they're saying, okay, but that isn't my experience.
24:04
Another theme, intergenerational expectations. This one's a pretty fascinating
24:07
one. You know, this pressure that Ansel feels from his parents and his community to follow tradition.
24:11
I think it really highlights the challenges of living up to family or societal expectations.
24:16
And what can be so interesting and difficult about that is if someone is starting
24:20
to want to go down their own path,
24:22
it can often feel to the people that have already been on the path that wait,
24:27
if you choose a different path, then you are thinking that that means that my path is wrong.
24:31
And this is where it is not that black or white. It's not that all or nothing
24:35
thinking that the person that wants to explore who they are,
24:39
their individuality, their self-discovery, maybe even their own path,
24:42
then they are not saying you're wrong.
24:46
Now, when there has been this psychological reactance, the instant negative
24:50
reaction of being told what to do, where when someone is saying you can't do
24:53
that, now that's a built-in defense mechanism. Man, now I want to do it even more.
24:58
And so, this is why the concepts of curiosity and just wanting to understand
25:01
what someone else has experienced is so important and so key.
25:04
It's also very scary for the person that is trying to be curious because now
25:09
our adorable ego gets in the way and we feel like I must defend my ego.
25:13
If you are moving away from the things that I've taught you or the traditions
25:16
of our family or our fathers,
25:18
then I need to let you know that that is not the correct way to go because what
25:23
our subconscious is saying is because then that might mean that I could have
25:27
maybe made a different choice at some point in my life.
25:29
But the reality is, sure, you could have, but here's where you are as well.
25:33
I think another main theme that I wanted to put throughout the allegory is curiosity,
25:38
this concept of being open-minded.
25:40
Ansel's natural curiosity is presented as both a gift and it is a main source
25:45
of conflict because it emphasizes this value and the challenge of maintaining
25:50
an open mind when he was growing up in a little bit of a closed system.
25:55
Gives a big challenge to theme seven, love and acceptance, because Ansel's relationship
25:59
with Maris explores this theme of really an authentic connection,
26:03
acceptance for who you are, self acceptance,
26:05
and this fear of rejection of being one's own true self, because it will often
26:10
come with being banished from the tribe and built into us is that if I am kicked
26:16
out of my tribe of people, my community,
26:19
then I am left in this lone world and I will die. And that is a really scary feelings.
26:23
So we often compromise our own sense of self, our own integrity for the fear of being abandoned.
26:30
And what if no one will ever then love me? That's why it becomes so important,
26:33
as cliched as it is, to truly love yourself.
26:37
The eighth theme, it was personal growth through discomfort.
26:40
One of my favorite things over the last year or so, you know,
26:42
the elder's advice, the wise elder about learning through discomfort.
26:45
I think that really reflects this idea that personal growth,
26:47
it comes through challenging experiences.
26:50
And if you play things safe your entire life, then it can really feel like uncomfortable
26:55
things are a dangerous threat.
26:58
But if you learn that there is going to be growth through discomfort,
27:02
it's not that you necessarily need to go seek very uncomfortable things,
27:06
although one can, but when uncomfortable things occur,
27:10
then you know, okay, we can get through this. This is happening. I will be okay.
27:14
I will learn through this, which that learning leads to theme nine.
27:19
I called it diversity of thought Because the allegory suggests that there's
27:23
value in different perspectives and there's value in different paths,
27:26
even within a seemingly uniform community.
27:30
And then the last theme that I want to touch on is this journey of self-acceptance
27:34
because ultimately Ansel's realization that he's okay just as he was,
27:37
I think truly speaks to the importance of self-acceptance and authenticity.
27:41
At its core, I think the story is the experience of questioning or maybe leaving
27:46
a family, a religious or a cultural tradition.
27:49
Because I often work with those who feel like their own personal journey ends
27:53
up not being so personal.
27:54
So many of us in life feel like they don't quite fit the mold of their community.
27:58
Particularly in terms of their beliefs or even their lifestyle.
28:01
I hope that this garden really represents the promised rewards of full participation in a belief system.
28:07
And there are people that that works wonderfully for.
28:10
But the path, I think, represents more of this prescribed way of living.
28:13
And again, for some, it works well.
28:17
But Ansel's struggle mirrors the experience of so many who find themselves doubting
28:20
or questioning the beliefs that they were raised with and facing that fear of
28:24
disappointment, of rejection, really of the unknown.
28:27
We just crave certainty. We crave meaning. And the story also touches on the
28:31
complexities of relationships within the context that we're talking about today,
28:36
how doubt affects family dynamics and friendships and romantic relationships.
28:40
And hopefully it highlighted the challenge of being authentic while navigating
28:44
all of these important connections with the people around you that you grow
28:47
up with that you are wanting validation from.
28:50
But ultimately, I think this allegory seems to advocate for personal authenticity,
28:55
open-mindedness, the idea that there could be many valid paths in life, not just one.
29:00
And it suggests that true growth and peace comes not from necessarily rigidly
29:05
adhering to one prescribed way. That is a wonderful place for one to start.
29:09
But then hopefully the message is heard that then if that prescribed way works
29:13
for somebody, that's wonderful but then it's not the job of another person to
29:17
try and convince the person who's trying to find their own path that their path
29:20
is wrong or that they need to conform to the path that they are on.
29:24
And in the coming weeks, I'm going to be sharing a few more episodes that will
29:27
cover the concepts of navigating difficult journeys of faith,
29:30
of family systems, and of so many of you who write into me or people that I'm
29:35
working with individually or as couples or who I read about in various posts
29:38
and comments on social media, that stepping out of your familiar family role
29:42
or your role from a church or a community,
29:44
a faith community, it can be really scary because it threatens the homeostasis or the status quo.
29:49
And for those who are threatened by somebody that they know or
29:53
love who is attempting to find their own way or tried their
29:56
own path it does not mean that you did anything wrong if
29:59
that person wants to pursue their own path or live their own life i
30:02
actually think that it can mean the opposite i think it can actually mean
30:05
that you created enough space or enough safety for that person to feel like
30:09
they can't explore who they are in their own way and it does not threaten who
30:13
you are or what matters to you now to be fair another reason why people almost
30:17
aggressively feel the need to pursue their own path can be because they feel
30:20
overwhelming pressure from a family or a church or a community to conform.
30:24
And in that process of conforming, they truly believe that they are betraying
30:27
their own sense of self. They're compromising their own values.
30:30
They're not coming from a place of personal integrity.
30:33
And there really is the concept of the body keeps a score.
30:37
You can grow through discomfort, but there are times where the more you try
30:40
to lean into something that does not feel like this is something that you can
30:44
do from a place of personal integrity, that people do have panic attacks,
30:49
their heart rate elevates,
30:50
they have hives, chronic pain, migraines.
30:53
I've worked with so much of that called conversion disorder where your body
30:57
is going to try and protect you, whatever that looks like.
31:00
And so, if you've learned a lot from a person, a relationship,
31:03
a community, and now you feel like it has done you well and it is time to learn
31:08
more, and then you try to force yourself back into that community,
31:12
into that box, your body will often say, no,
31:15
we can't because we're feeling such a connection with nature, with the divine,
31:19
with myself, when I am now pursuing my own path.
31:23
Because if somebody is compromising their values, that they're not coming from
31:26
this place of integrity.
31:28
Too often, I think they're feeling that way because they have not had an opportunity
31:31
to even attempt to discover or to find out who they are, what matters to them
31:35
for the fear of rejection from their family or their church or their community.
31:39
So hopefully if you're somebody feeling like you need to find your own path,
31:42
discover your own values, talents, abilities, if you're a religious person,
31:45
to discover your own God-given talents and abilities, that you can give yourself
31:48
the permission that you need, even if you aren't receiving that permission from
31:51
your family or your faith community.
31:53
Because ultimately, even if they believe that they are coming from a good place,
31:56
because what they are wanting you to do is something that has worked for them?
31:59
Well, as we said in the beginning, bless their hearts because they truly do mean well.
32:04
But that doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice your own sense of self.
32:07
Because whether you are now realizing that you have sacrificed yourself up to
32:10
this point in your life or back in the religious context, that that sacrifice
32:14
was already done a long time ago so that you, the listener, can live.
32:19
Either way, provide you with the permission to do whatever it is that you need
32:22
to do to become the very best version of yourself.
32:25
Stop burning and wasting emotional calories trying to figure out what's wrong
32:28
with you because the answer is nothing.
32:30
You're a human. You are a beautiful combination of your nature and your nurture,
32:33
your birth order, your DNA, your abandonment, your rejection,
32:36
your fears, your hopes, your dreams.
32:37
And all of those amazing things make you you. So you think the way you do and
32:41
you feel the way you do. And that is a wonderful, amazing thing.
32:44
You're this human. You're going through life for the very first time.
32:46
And what matters to you is what is going to matter to you.
32:49
And the only way that you're going to find that out is by going out and being
32:52
and doing and discovering and learning.
32:55
And that can be thanks to or in spite of the people who have helped get you
32:59
to this point that you're at right now.
33:02
So thank you for your time today. I would love for you to share this particular
33:05
episode with anybody and everybody that you think might benefit.
33:07
And I would love your stories and your questions about your own faith journeys,
33:11
family journeys, faith and family deconstructions, crises.
33:14
And let me know if I can use what you send me on any upcoming episodes.
33:17
If you're not comfortable with me discussing what you send, I still would love
33:19
to read your questions and your stories anyway.
33:22
Please send your information, anything that you want to, to contact at tonyoverbay.com
33:26
or go through the contact form on my website, tonyoverbay.com.
33:29
I am grateful for everybody that stuck around. Have an amazing week.
33:33
Music.