Latest / ✨️Aligned and Thriving: For Teachers🌿 / How to Love the Hard to Love Kids 💖

Transcript

How to Love the Hard to Love Kids 💖 · ✨️Aligned and Thriving: For Teachers🌿

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  Hi guys, and welcome to another episode of Aligned and Thriving
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  for Teachers, You Beautiful educators.
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  This episode is for every single teacher that has ever looked at
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  their class list and had that sigh.
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  You know the one. That time when you think, please
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  let that one be absent today and then felt really guilty the
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  second that they walked in the door bright eyed and ready to
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  challenge every fibre of your patients.
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  Because we all know them. They are the hard to love kids,
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  the ones who test you, the ones who push your buttons and the
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  ones that just utterly exhaust you.
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  But also they're the ones who might just need you the most.
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  And this is a story about them. And it's also a story about you,
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  the teacher who will keep showing up.
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  So let's talk about how we love the kids who are honestly just
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  hard for us to love. We'll start here.
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  We don't love every kid, do we? OK, but I'm going to say that
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  again that that sounded bad. I don't mean let me reword that.
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  We don't love everything kids do.
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  We don't love their choices or their behaviour every day.
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  But that doesn't mean we can't love them.
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  That's more what I mean to say. I don't want to hear teachers
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  saying oh I don't love that kid. No, reframe it.
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  You don't love their behaviour or their choices, but you can
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  still love the kid. Honestly, I'm the mom of one of
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  them. I have a son and he is
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  absolutely beautiful and has the world's kindest heart.
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  But he can also be really really challenging.
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  I mean my daughter can too. But he has honestly struggled
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  his entire life and I have gone through many teacher
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  conversations and hearing the good and the bad and the ugly.
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  But at home we are exactly the same and we say the same things
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  to him. Buddy, we absolutely love you
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  but we did not love that choice or hey bud I love you but I
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  don't love that behaviour. I still love the kid and since
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  becoming a mum like that, loving the hard kids has become easier
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  for me. But let me tell you about a kid
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  that's called Bob. Let's just call him that.
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  I've never taught a Bob, but it's not his real name
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  obviously. But Bob was my first real
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  challenging kid. You know, the one that you
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  remember forever. I had a split 4-5 class and if
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  you know, you know. It's a mix.
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  Bob was in grade 4 but try and act like a grade 5 and working
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  more of like a grade one level across the board.
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  His background was rough, he was trauma affected, his life was
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  completely unstable and everyday felt like an absolute marathon
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  just to keep our classroom calm let alone functional.
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  He was never absent, not once 100% attendance and as the year
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  went on I realised that this wasn't just school for him, this
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  was his safe place. So I did something that felt
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  very small, but it changed everything.
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  I asked my beautiful Nana, a woman who had raised two boys
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  and my mum and an adopted daughter later in life, and if I
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  asked her if she would come in and read with Bob and she said
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  yeah, she had nothing better to do.
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  So my mum would go pick her up and drop her off school.
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  And so Bob had someone to read with every day, and he had
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  someone who saw him, 'cause my Nana saw through the facades of
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  people, right? And I've talked about her in the
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  podcast before. Like, she comes across as a
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  really confident woman, but really she was just scared.
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  But she just acted as if. So she wouldn't take nothing
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  from no one if you read between those lines as well.
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  So she came in every day relentlessly.
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  And one day she didn't come in and Bob literally was like,
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  well, where's Nana? Is she not coming today?
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  Does she not care about me? And I was like, no, mate, she
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  cares about you. She's just busy.
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  She's got to get her hair done sometime.
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  She can't come in every day. But that was when I was like, Oh
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  my gosh, he's actually appreciating this.
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  This is great. And it was the time that he
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  looked forward to every time he knew that she was coming.
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  He absolutely loved it. Years later, no joke, I was
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  sitting at the movies with my husband and there were these
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  young boys sitting in front of us and Bob turns around and
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  spots me and he's like, hey, Miss.
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  And then whacked his friend on the shoulder and was like,
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  that's my favourite teacher there.
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  She actually gave a bad word about me.
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  And my husband just looked at me and said, is that that kid that
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  put those erasers on the fan in your class?
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  I was like, yeah, that's him. He remembered those stories.
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  And that's the thing. Those that's that's the kid,
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  those kids, those kids that are hard to love.
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  They're so memorable. You remember them forever
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  because you're the one who saw them and you actually gave a
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  rats about them. So why Nyla?
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  Off you go. She's off.
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  She's running. Sorry.
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  So why does this actually matter?
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  What's the science behind it? And here's what we know from
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  research. 2018 study found that a single supportive teacher can
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  be the most significant protective factor for a child
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  from a disadvantaged background. Isn't that amazing?
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  Just one teacher can make so much difference.
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  Another fact for you, the average teacher will spend over
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  15,000 hours with children across their career.
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  That is a huge window of influence that you have.
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  Neuroscience shows that consistent, safe adult
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  relationships help regulate behaviour and emotional
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  development, especially for those kids who have experienced
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  trauma or neglect. So yeah, we matter even on those
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  days when we don't feel like we are.
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  What can you do? So how do we love the unlovable?
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  Like you don't have to fake it, you just need to try.
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  And here's how separate the child from the behaviour.
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  I don't like that choice is very different from saying I don't
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  like you. OK, I talked about that at the
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  start. Find one thing, one thing, just
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  one that you can like, admire or enjoy about them.
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  Even if it's just tiny. It could be their humour, their
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  curiosity, their energy. Just hold on to that, that
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  little bit of likeableness that they do have and they all have
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  it somewhere. And get help if you're
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  struggling to find something, ask a colleague what is it that
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  you liked about having this kid last year?
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  Because honestly, they can see a whole different version of that
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  child that what you're seeing now.
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  Borrow their lens, borrow their belief until you can find your
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  own. Then shift the narrative.
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  Instead of he's a pain, try saying he's still learning how
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  to or she I should say sorry. The language will shape how we
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  feel and how we act around those people and listen more.
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  Sometimes the behaviours that challenge us are just unmet
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  needs trying to get out. So be curious and not just
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  critical all the time and build your village.
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  I've talked about all this before but mentors, support
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  staff, even your Nan. Find your people.
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  No teacher has to do this alone. The bigger picture.
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  Now, I'm a big music fan and you've probably heard the song,
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  and if you haven't, now you're gonna go look it up.
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  But the one from Jelly Roll and Alex Warren, like Bloodline, you
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  don't have to follow in your bloodline.
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  It is powerful because it's true.
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  Some of these kids are born into situations that they didn't
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  choose. But you, you can be the person
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  who shows them another path. You might be the first person
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  who ever gave a crap about them. Whoever told them that they were
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  smart, that they were funny or that they were capable or that
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  they were kind to someone that matters, That sticks.
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  Just like I told you about Bob at the start, that sticks to
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  those people. I'll give you another example.
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  I had a beautiful child when I started teaching high school.
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  I actually taught this same kid in primary school, then made a
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  joke about because he was so naughty, I was going to follow
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  him to high school. And then I did.
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  So it kind of bit me in the butt there because I did.
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  But anyway, didn't know that at the time.
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  But this lovely child that I had, I worked really hard at
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  making a connection because I was warned about the family, I
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  was warned about the child. Those preconceived ideas were
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  creeping in and I knew I had to give him a fresh start.
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  I just had to. And I worked really hard at
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  finding just one thing. I was like, I'm going to find
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  one thing I like about this kid and I'm going to find it.
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  Then I realised talking to him and going back and forth, he
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  loved motorbike riding. I was like bingo, I got it, got
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  a connection. Either I do that, I know how to
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  do that. I can talk, I can talk bikes.
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  I've got this. So then I would try and make
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  those connections. Then I realised like I knew his
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  grandfather and he had a lot of respect for that grandfather.
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  And so I made that connection and when we had like, I think it
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  was a Grandparents Day, the grandfather actually came in and
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  talked to me. So then he could see that I had
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  that relationship and that connection.
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  And then he was kind of intimidated by that because he
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  was like, Oh no, if I do something wrong, she's going to
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  tell my grandfather and then I'm going to hear about it.
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  So I need to behave. So his behaviour sort of
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  improved by using that tactic as well.
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  And he had a great sense of humour.
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  It was hilarious. So we would have jokes back and
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  forth. So then when I did follow this
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  child to high school, I was still that teacher that he had a
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  connection with. So I was the one that would
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  constantly be receiving him, I should say, receiving him in for
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  time out because well, you need, I need to come and collect him
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  because he, he would come with me and he wouldn't annoy me and,
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  and all of that type of thing. And that was fine.
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  But then there was like a bit of an incident where a part of my
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  car, like a pin thing went missing.
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  There's a lot more to that story, but I knew who it was.
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  And so I would go and confront and be like, if that appears
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  back on my desk by 3:00, there'll be no questions asked.
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  But if it doesn't, I'll have to seek further information.
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  Of course. It appeared back at my desk.
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  And then it was a little joke because it was like, oh, I know
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  who did it. I'd be like, he, he, he was me.
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  But it's all those little things where I knew he didn't mean
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  anything by it. He was just seeking that
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  attention. And that's how I knew how to get
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  it. So that was just one thing.
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  I've actually seen him a couple of years later as actually this
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  year saw him in a different place.
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  And again, it's hi, how are you going?
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  Like all of that conversation and then the mum looking me up
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  and down like, who is that person?
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  He's like, oh, that's that teacher.
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  Oh yeah. And then remember you straight
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  away because you meant something to that family and to them
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  because you cared and you did everything you could while they
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  were in your care to love and support them.
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  So if you're that teacher that's out there wrestling with that
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  guilt, that exhaustion, and the what do I even do with this kid?
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  Let me say this to you. You might just be their
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  favourite teacher. You could be the one that gave a
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  damn about them. You could be the one who tried.
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  You could be the one who stayed. And if nothing else, these kids
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  make for the best stories. They'll be the kind you'll still
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  be telling decades later, like Bob putting the erasers on the
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  fan. If you see me in person, ask me
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  about that story, because it's actually hilarious.
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  Those ones that just turned out turned around, and they'll look
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  you in the eye and say thanks. And in their own way, you know
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  that you actually meant something to them.
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  So now's the time when I want you to put a bit of work in.
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  I want you to whip out your journal because you should have
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  one by now if you've been listening to me for a while.
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  And I want you to really reflect on these five questions.
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  Number one, who is your hard to love student in your class right
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  now? And what is one thing that you
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  could appreciate and love about them #2 what message might their
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  behaviour be trying to send #3? Have you ever had a mentor, a
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  teacher or a coach that saw you when you felt unseen?
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  And how did that change you #4 how do you show unconditional
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  care even when you're at capacity?
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  And #5 what stories are you telling yourself about this
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  student? And can you rewrite that story,
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  some final affirmations for you? So repeat these to yourself if
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  you need them. When you're finding yourself
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  stuck in those situations with those hard to love kids, I want
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  you to stop and remind yourself of these things.
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  I am making a difference even when I can't see it because it's
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  it's yet. You can't see it yet, but it's
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  there. I can hold space for my students
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  while still protecting my peace. As I said before, you don't have
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  to love everything. You just got to find something.
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  I separate the child from the behaviour.
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  My compassion is a strength, not a weakness.
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  And I am the safe adult that someone needs today.
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  And that one I think is really important because if you think
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  about some of the stuff that our kids are going through before
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  they get to you in the morning, you might be the only safe adult
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  they've had in their life today. You might be the only safe adult
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  they have in their life for a long time.
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  You might be the only person that gives a damn about them,
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  their mental health, their appearance, anything you care
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  because we have a heart as teachers and that's what we do.
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  So if this episode spoke to you, as always, share it, share it
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  with a colleague who's navigating that tough student
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  relationship. Let's normalise talking about
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  the hard stuff people and support each other because you
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  are not alone. And if you've got a Bob and a
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  story of your own you can tell me on Instagram or Facebook, I
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  would love to hear it because I love these types of stories
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  because honestly, those hard to love kids, they are your most
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  memorable students and you are gonna be their most memorable
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  teacher. OK, now you've got this.
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  You are doing enough. And yes, even the hard to love
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  kids are worthy of love. I know it might make you feel
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  like you're working really hard all the time, but your work
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  matters. You matter.
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  Don't ever forget it. And if you haven't been told
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  today, you are amazing. You are doing such a great job.
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  I love and appreciate all that you do and keep turning up, keep
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  showing up for those kids and you never know, you might bump
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  into them 10 years down the track and they are going to just
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  make your day OK. So keep being aligned, keep
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  thriving and until next time, I'll talk to you again soon.
• 15:41
  Bye, guys.