Latest / The Pausecast / Ep. 88 - Naketa Ren Thigpen Let's Be Selfish

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Ep. 88 - Naketa Ren Thigpen Let's Be Selfish · The Pausecast

0:04
Hi, I'm Rachel O'Meara. I'm the host of the podcast.
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I'm also the author of pause harnessing, the life-changing
0:12
power of giving yourself a break, as well as a private
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coach for men and women who are struggling with, how to get out
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of overwhelm and reclaim their lives.
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The pause cast is dedicated to helping individuals learn the
0:29
tools and Be more self aware that we can all be more capable
0:32
of to live our best life, to reach our potential.
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Whether this is your first time listening or you're a regular, I
0:40
invite you to download my free gift to you which is a blueprint
0:45
called the three keys to stay out of overwhelm and Thrive.
0:49
The blueprint is available at my website, www.hiwayfx.com get it
0:56
today so you can start to implement these tools that we
0:58
can all learn And that's what the paws cast is all about.
1:08
Welcome. I am so so excited today to
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welcome our guests. Nikita big.
1:16
Whoop. Sorry, I'm said over, welcome.
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I'm so excited today. To welcome our guests, the key
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Turan pigpen. Hey Nikita, how are you?
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I am magical. Thank you for having me.
1:28
I guess we just met for everyone listening here.
1:31
And we were talking nonstop, and I'm just so excited to jump in
1:35
with you. Let me share a little bit about
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your background. And so we all know, and learn
1:40
more as we go here. But you Nikita, you are on a
1:43
mission to build stronger families.
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That leave new multi-generational imprints
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witnessed from the ripples of Love empathy, Adventure Victory
1:53
and edification. I love that the leave.
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Acronym that you create from wholeness and that we all create
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from wholeness, right? So you are an author, I learned.
2:03
Do you have additional PhD if you're working on an The one
2:08
that you already have, you'll probably have a great advantage
2:13
of explaining all of the beautiful background that you
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bring to us. But I think the bigger things
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that I want to just cover and then I'll hand it over to you to
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say a little bit more and then lead us in a pause you know
2:23
knowing you've got this theme selfish that it's okay to be
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selfish and intentionally selfish.
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I think is a really good reason to pause.
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So we're going to talk about that and that's the title of
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your book that came out in 2020 selfish.
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And you're working on another book right now, which I'm super
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excited because I think you and I were paused sisters.
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Selfish permission to pause, live, love, and laugh.
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Your way to Joy's what came out and you're just like, all about
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the paws, too. So I'm super excited.
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I know you're, you're a trained and licensed clinical social
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worker, you are just doing incredible things in the world
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with couples and take mini, sabbatical, pauses and Retreats.
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So I know you totally totally get it.
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And I'm just so excited to Host you today.
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Thank you for being here. Well, thank you so much, Rachel.
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It's, it's been a journey to say the least, right?
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And I think it's why we have attracted each other into our
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ecosystem and our world, you and your background coming from the
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corporate space. You get how important it is, to
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stop being sucked into the Whirlwind of conventional
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wisdom, which is where a lot of my power couples, which are not
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defined based on the money, they make.
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By the way, for all those are listening like oh you have to be
3:38
A Beyonce and Jay-Z. Listen we welcome Beyonce and
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Jay-Z but only if they are philanthropic, if they are
3:45
influential in their industry which we could check check to
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both of those. And also, if they are advocates
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for disproportionately affected people, which is super
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important. If you don't hit all those
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checks, then I am happy to push the check across the table to
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someone. In my network, who also wants to
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enjoy playing with you as a power couple and the other
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humans that we work with. We call them potent humans.
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They look like Visionary, founder, and CEO.
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They typically show up as women entrepreneurs quite, honestly,
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we have a few brave men that you do come into play with us as
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well, but typically, that's who they are.
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And the majority of them really do identify or self-identify, as
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lazy overachievers, who are my people because I am a reflection
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of that I could do Sprints and dominate the world.
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And then I need a power nap. I need a micro sabbatical.
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I need to look at her legs. And where the intentionally
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selfish aspect of that came from, was honestly me.
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Honoring what I needed most for the spaciousness for myself.
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So for me it's an intentional, like personal gift that you give
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yourself to create Joy your way and you need the space to do it.
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We have to slow down for some of us, we have .
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Before we end up in the hospital with an IV stuck in our arm,
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back without permission, right? Because you've had a full-on
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breakdown or mental health fall out when somebody levels and
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coming from that world as a trauma specialist, I know that
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there's a way to prevent it the same way you do and part of it
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is to give yourself that permission to pause.
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But before you do it you got to be selfish enough to say I'm
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claiming this for me right now. I need to reclaim my power and I
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can't do that if I'm answering to Everyone at all times on all
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cylinders. Yeah, and knowing you worked in
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the emergency room and health care.
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And like all of this were see firsthand, the repercussions.
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When we're not able to pause, we were not able to slow down
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because then we just end up literally hurt and injured, and
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whatever. Well, and we can't do much from
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that point, that point, right? So, you're so needed in the
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world, like, here. I'm so glad that we've met and
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would you Be are available for us to lead us through one of the
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pauses that you do yourself. I know to me, it's always
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important. I think to just try new things
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and experiment with what types of pauses work well and I'd love
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to learn from you today. Yeah, absolutely.
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And thank you for the space to do this.
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What you're doing is crucial, especially allowing people to
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embody the moment and not just write it in their notebook, and
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come back, hopefully, come back to it later.
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So one of the things that I would just like to walk through
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for a few minutes, if we have space for, it is what we call
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for 784. That is a square breath.
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If you will where you're if you think of it like hitting all the
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corners for 784, for those of you who are visually with us in
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this moment, what you want to do is slow yourself down enough to
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not just breathe in and breathe out, what to hold the breath,
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which allows those quarters all levels, that might be shooting
7:06
through the roof, you're a And levels, which for most of us, if
7:09
you are booked in busy and very productive, you're on a good
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adrenaline high, but your body should not stay in that space
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the whole time. So let's just lower down and
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give you a container. If any of you have a drinking
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straw near you, it's even more potent when you can, like,
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literally direct your breath through a straw.
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I actually don't have one. I don't hate me right now, but
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we will pretend and you can totally do it without.
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It is just more potent when you when you have one.
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I like to start by putting your hand on your heart.
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So you can just fill where you are meet yourself, right?
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Where you are, I like to close my out, my eyes and come in to
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me but understanding without judgement there are people who
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get disoriented when they close their eyes, if you can't or
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you're not safe enough to do. So it's okay.
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Find a DOT or some kind of Point directly in front of you that
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you can Zone into. So you can re ground anchor,
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energetically, if you can actually close your eyes.
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So hand on heart, I'm just going to give you the instructions
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first and then you'll do it with me.
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You're going to inhale from your belly, so fill your belly
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pulling in as it also, expresses out, inhale to the count of
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four. You're going to hold for a count
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of seven. Hold the breath.
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Exhale for a count of eight. All the way down.
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And we exhale, push it out. Don't worry about.
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Who's looking at you? This, we should out.
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Don't try to be cute and breathe through your nose.
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And then when you get to the bottom of that 8, I want you to
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hold for four which is very important and then, Breathe It.
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Brett back in again with a count of four.
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So four, seven, eight four. For and come back up for 784.
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So let's do it. Now, I will hit a bell at the
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end, which will make it a little bit easier for you to release
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and peaceful way. So let's start with 412. 34.
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Hold We'll shout. Hold.
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Bring it in. Cold.
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Notice your heartbeat changing. The Rhythm, the pace.
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Whoosh out. The way through a count of
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eight. Keep pushing, keep pushing, keep
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pushing almost there. Hold.
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And one more time that's come in.
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Hold for a count of seven. And we shout deep.
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Squeeze it out. Squeeze it out.
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Get to the bottom and hold. And just slowly open your eyes.
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If you're comfortable, you can release your hand from your
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heart. And come back to Center which
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means come back to your normal breath.
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Mmm, thank you. That was supportive.
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Well, what I can just comment on my experience there.
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So I just noticed it was really challenging, that's low like to
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me I was like, oh my gosh, you can't eat and then it first I
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first I did it felt like I did it wrong.
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I had all the thoughts that we have.
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We're doing these things so it was such a powerful reminder, to
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just know that like, oh, yeah, just return to the breath, no
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matter what I'm thinking, no matter all of the, the Unity
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that might be in my mind or anything like that.
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I felt like it was a siphon. Like, it literally just
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literally sucked out any of those thoughts because I was so
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focused on the counting in the breath that were that slow.
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So, thank you. And if you're welcome, you're
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welcome. It's I'm smiling so much because
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the first time I did it, I was like, okay.
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Something wrong my lungs. Like, why can't I and it was a
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reflection of me not exercising that muscle in that way,
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especially if my body was Tense even with excitement.
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Like, I'm excited to be here right now.
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So, the whooshing out I had to ring out to like, come on Vicky
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toe. Ring it out.
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Oh, right. It's really helpful fan.
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Yeah. Yeah, hopeful and I, and I do
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this all the time, too. I mean, fun, part about all of
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this. And in that, no matter what our
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experience, no matter how stress we feel, there's always more to
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go and there's always do and, and I'm just so grateful to
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learn new practices like this. So, thank you, appreciate it.
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Thank you. And a fun fact.
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For everyone listening. It was massaging your organs.
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So if there was any toxins inside your liver and your
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kidneys do, if you were really pulling in your belly and really
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pushing it out, you were actually giving yourself an
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internal massage which has its own medicinal benefits.
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You love that knowing that I think it makes it more powerful
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and potent to and and what what why would you not want that,
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right? Thank that part.
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And this brings me to my first question around just creating
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that intentional. So my one of my favorite sayings
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and you're super similar, which I love, you know, it's like
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pausing. Helps us create the space to
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find our truth and you talk about space so that you can
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increase your capacity. And I feel like this is a
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resonant theme that I also work with.
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So how do you do that? Knowing where these lazy
13:23
overachievers? I love that term.
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How do we create that space? Like what do we do in that
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sense? So that we can increase our
13:31
capacity and expand Other than reading, Awesome drill.
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Yeah, absolutely. Thank you, its first
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self-awareness, right? Like you do so much personal
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work to make sure that you're continuously looking at where
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you have arrived at your self awareness.
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But also seeing that there's a space to evolve in your
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self-awareness and giving yourself that permission to
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expand and your self-awareness like releasing those things that
13:55
no longer serve. But I know before I started to
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personally do this work, it was a question of like, what do you
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mean? Self-aware.
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Like I know I'm special. I know I have an attitude.
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I know, right? Like you kind of go into the
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negativity bias first because that's normal.
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What humans do? We look at all the things that
14:13
need to be fixed or modified in the mirror before we step step
14:16
back and say, look at this Brilliance.
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Look at this beauty. So I always bring people back
14:21
first before we can start the three line is look at yourself,
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ideally like literally. Look at yourself in the mirror,
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go to your bathroom mirror, it doesn't have to be anything
14:32
fancy. See, don't use your car mirror
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because you can't see enough of yourself.
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You want to be able to at least see from mid chest plate, like,
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right? And if you're a woman like right
14:42
in the middle of your breast plate, if you're a man right in
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the middle of your breast plate, like all the way up to your
14:47
face, so you're not so close that you can't fully see
14:51
yourself but you're not so far away that you can't look into
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the eyes of your soul and you want to look at your eyes when
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you do. I caught this, a mirroring
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activity. You look at yourself and take a
15:01
breath. Let out the giggles let out the
15:04
awkward face facial expressions like whatever is happening like
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oh my goodness my lipstick is on my teeth.
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Not you know whatever little stuff is coming up, Shake It
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Out. Give yourself the grace to have
15:14
that 15 seconds and then come into you looking at yourself and
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start forgiving you. So I do this this it's been
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about eight and a half. Almost nine years that I do this
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nearly every single day because I am a woman with a lot of
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trauma. I have been abused on every
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single level growing. Up.
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And although I've had therapy and counseling and spiritual
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mentoring and all the things there are moments that can
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trigger all kinds of little buttons that you didn't even
15:43
know existed in your nervous system and you have to be
15:46
mindful to constantly be being in a space of good healthy
15:50
healing and expression of that healing.
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So this is something that helps me personally, stay centered in
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that and I look at myself in the mirror and I say, I love you.
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You are worthy of every good thing, I forgive you and then I
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run down the list. Me personally, I forgive you for
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talking a little bit out, the side of your mouth to your
16:11
husband this morning, okay? 28 years or have you talking out
16:15
the side of your mouth? I forgive you for not being as
16:18
patient as you wanted to be with your 22 year old.
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When she asks for ABC XYZ, right?
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I forgive you for rushing that last bite of breakfast that you
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had. You really need it to take the
16:31
moment to nourish yourself and enjoy the moment.
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I forgive you for being messy last week when whatever that
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mess looks like and I get granular and I usually do
16:42
somewhere between three and like eight forgiveness has of
16:45
whatever I might need to forgive and release for myself and then
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I come right back to. I'm deserving and worthy of
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every great thing and I love you and I sit in that I pause just
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like we held at the End of that breath at the exhale.
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And at the top of the inhale, I hold, I don't give myself an
17:06
ounce to say, okay, I'm done that.
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Like check to check off the box box and run away.
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I sit and I stare at all of me before when I was talking, I was
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talking into my eyes going into the soul of me.
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I kind of pull myself back, not physically, but in an eye
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expression, I pull myself back and I look at my whole face and
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I take in the beauty of all of it.
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Not up your, here's your mole like You know, none of that,
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like that, we shed at that, that first 30 seconds before we
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started the Forgiveness mirroring work.
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So now it's just me, loving on me, that helps me reground and
17:41
any self-awareness that I need to do because, you know, we can
17:44
get real egotistical right. I can get it to court in our
17:47
head, because we're so smart. We know so many things.
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You're so brilliant. And sometimes we forget the
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humanity of us that needs to be reminded of.
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Yes, we are dope, but we have to acknowledge that there is also
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doubt that It comes up as well, and that's my moment, every
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single morning and I anchor it to when I brush my teeth.
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I brush my teeth first because I don't want to be in there.
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Like you got, you got something in there.
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I brush my teeth and as soon as I'm done, brushing my teeth, I
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start my mirror work. So that's why I would start for
18:15
anyone who's tactile. Like I am and you just need an
18:18
activity, you can't just Journal it which is also tactile and
18:22
it's very helpful. 20 minutes a day of journaling is
18:25
evidence-based strategy to pray to make you healthier happier,
18:28
right? But first People, you know, our
18:32
brains are really smart machines.
18:34
So if you've been journaling for eight plus years and you're kind
18:37
of doing the same thing over and over, it's a great practice.
18:39
You've improved tremendously, whether you give yourself credit
18:42
for that or not. However, your brain is so smart,
18:45
it knows the game at knows what you're doing, but when you do
18:48
the soul work through the mirroring activity, there's
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always something going on in your subconscious, it's like,
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hey, hey, hey, don't touch me yet.
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I like this comfortability. I like the sphere.
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I like this flaw. It makes makes me feel like I'm
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supposed to play small or sustaining this moment, right?
19:04
Like, there's all that kind of chatter in the background and it
19:07
forces you to break up those patterns by starting their.
19:11
So personally, that's where I would start.
19:15
I like that and and I also am thinking about this is that
19:19
creating the space, it's intentionally shellfish as my
19:23
understanding, right? And, and you and I do think it's
19:26
important to find what works for you, right?
19:28
So just even if that sounds Absurd, or crazy.
19:31
I think it's a powerful way to just try something out and I had
19:36
out as a pause, right? And I think leading off from
19:39
that, you know, I think a lot of times speaking of clever, clever
19:43
brain activity that we have and driving, what we do a lot of
19:47
times, I think we talk ourselves out of those things.
19:49
Like I don't have a whatever excuse does.
19:51
Your is, right? I don't have enough time or then
19:53
or we have these feelings of like guilt or shame?
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Yes, no. I already know.
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I look, you know, whatever. I'm telling myself like you.
20:00
Look terrible. Why would you want to spend two
20:01
minutes looking at myself right now?
20:03
Look later, you know, like I told him, I would say.
20:05
So how do you become this selfishly intentionally
20:09
selfishly? Pray to not have those feelings
20:12
like guilt shame, anything that feels fearful, or anxiety wise,
20:17
or just even angry, like, how dare I spend this time on
20:20
myself, you are hitting a button.
20:22
There's there's so many layers to what you just said, right?
20:25
Like, because there's the logical part of ourselves.
20:28
It's like, well, I need to know. Because I've grown up or maybe
20:31
in religious communities, maybe you were taught, don't be
20:34
selfish, don't do that. So I'm speaking on the planet by
20:37
the way, has right, right? Don't be selfish yesterday.
20:47
There's a whole Trend around being a and I quote this, not by
20:52
my quote, but this is the quote, it's on a tote bag.
20:54
It's a book about it and all of it called selfish cunt.
20:58
The whole thing. And it's acknowledging the women
21:01
who choose, which I totally value that choose not to have
21:04
children and they are reclaiming their power by identifying, a
21:08
selfish cons. So when I say intentionally
21:10
selfish and people are like oh my goodness, you said that I'm
21:12
like well there's nothing that I can say this.
21:22
So honestly, to back up in an answer, your question when
21:27
people have shame. Mmmmm.
21:28
It's usually because of deep secrets.
21:30
And so those deep Secrets as brene, brown, who, I'm sure
21:33
many, many people listening to the show, are probably fans of
21:36
because of our work, right? Like all of it, and a lot of her
21:40
research around shame, it's the key to it is wrong ability.
21:43
So the the which feels very weird, right?
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I want to keep the secret, I don't want anyone to know about
21:48
my abuse. I don't want anyone to know
21:50
about where I came from, or that I didn't have the support or
21:53
help or guidance, or that my parents are actually wealthy and
21:56
healthy, but everyone else seems to need a trauma.
21:58
Jewelry to go and to grow in like what's wrong with me?
22:01
And how do I create pain for myself?
22:03
So people feel related to it, like there are so many layers to
22:07
that and the releasing of it is, by being honest about what
22:11
you're what you're proud of what you're feeling excited about,
22:16
what you have accomplished and not denying it or skipping over
22:19
it or pretending. It doesn't matter because that
22:22
was energy and effort and resource that you put into it
22:25
the same as if you did have a little tea traumas.
22:28
What we call it versus a big T trauma, which was what people
22:31
are most familiar with the major disasters, you know, rape
22:34
victimization, like the kind of thing you don't need to have any
22:37
of it to be a valued human, right?
22:40
But if you believe that think you're keeping so much of your
22:43
light hidden under underneath this calcified chaos of Shame
22:47
and guilt and for some people anger rage arrogance, insecurity
22:53
impostor syndrome rumination analysis paralysis.
22:57
I mean, the list Truly go on. And the one way to shake that
23:02
shame if you will, is to be not just real, not just authentic,
23:07
but to be transparent, which is a huge shift different than the,
23:14
you know, acknowledgement of just be real.
23:16
I'm a real person. I'm authentic.
23:18
Yes, your authentically in your ego, your authentically, in a
23:22
shame spiral your authentically dealing with these challenges,
23:25
but that's not the same as transparency.
23:27
And You start that baby step by having, hopefully you retracted
23:32
that tribe of people, what I call your kitchen table.
23:34
People that are sitting at the table that you can trust with
23:37
your emotional nakedness, you can a trust, you can trust them
23:40
with your cell you lie, you know like whatever might be going on
23:43
that you would normally not just put out there you feel that
23:47
these people don't judge you that they honor you and there is
23:51
huge reciprocity in it. So you start with being
23:53
transparent with them instead of insisting that they are
23:57
transparent with you. Because that often happens in
23:59
our relationships, which is a whole nother, you know, part of
24:02
that conversation, the guilt for most people is honestly not the
24:07
same as Shame. Shame is more about the secrets
24:09
guilt is usually when you feel that something needs to be
24:14
forgiven and you don't have the power or the strength,
24:17
emotionally energetic, energetically to do it, you feel
24:20
so heavy by it, which is why the Forgiveness work.
24:23
Something like the mirroring technique is so releasing, we
24:28
all I had things were not proud of, maybe you were the kid.
24:30
That was the bully and school? Yes, you're in your 30s and 40s
24:33
now but that doesn't mean that that's not sitting with you
24:36
somewhere. Especially when you hear stories
24:38
about people being hurt or bullied or vice versa.
24:41
Maybe you feel like it makes you look weak to say, oh no, when I
24:44
was 10 or I was 15 or when I was 25, a friend of mine, an ex of
24:49
mine made me feel like I wasn't in my power and for some reason
24:55
because now you're considered a ball speed or whatever.
24:58
Title is that you wear proudly across your chest, you're hiding
25:02
that and part of it is because yes, you may have forgiven to
25:05
other person out loud or to yourself.
25:07
But you didn't release the guilt because you never forgave
25:10
yourself. So a lot of it honestly is like
25:13
looking at where you are in the process and if you have all of
25:16
those things, no shade, no judgment.
25:19
Let's check one. And let's look at who's at our
25:21
kitchen table. Let's see who we can trust with
25:24
sharing it talking out and you're very clear.
25:27
I don't need you to give me a solution, the person at my
25:31
kitchen table. I don't need you to fix me
25:33
because I don't want to resent you for it.
25:35
I just want to be heard. I want to be appreciated and I
25:39
want to be validated In This Moment.
25:41
Oh my gosh. Oh wow.
25:43
Yeah, and I hear a few things there.
25:46
So one is be vulnerable first, like just lower your waterline,
25:49
and be okay to know that that can help serve you and service
25:54
towards maybe self-forgiveness but also a lie.
25:58
Get in these these maybe feelings that are ruminating
26:01
that you feel like you can't get rid of whether it's a shame or
26:03
guilt or fear exact like all of those things.
26:06
Yeah. That sounds like something that
26:09
can serve me and all of us that's so hard and then the
26:12
kitchen table concept. So, you know, a lot of times I
26:15
feel like we don't maybe have the the chairs filled if we,
26:19
maybe don't have a Network that has people that were like, man,
26:22
I just wish they could see me for who I am.
26:24
But like, here's the person I gotta show up for because they
26:26
know me as X or like So, that's another humongous powerful
26:31
concept, because I think we forget, like, Weber might
26:34
already be the de facto kitchen table orders, right?
26:37
Maybe they're not the ones that really deserve to be at the
26:39
table with you. Number one, you know, we gotta
26:42
get a like, rearrange the chairs or get some more chairs, or
26:46
something like that, right? And I think that's a big
26:48
reminder. We no one can do it alone.
26:50
Yeah, absolutely. My so I had to hope the full
26:54
activity of the kitchen table is called the are HEI, are like
26:58
They are like your legacy because we're about creating
27:00
those new multi-generational inference right?
27:02
Like from our wholeness, my clients lovingly, call it the
27:05
parking lot because by the time we're done with it or like oh no
27:08
everybody out the kitchen out the living room after out the
27:10
house. Everybody in the parking lot
27:14
because they want to like really take a beat back in and look at
27:17
like well who was in my estate. If you will just appear like in
27:22
the living room before the dining room, before the
27:24
breakfast, before the kitchen table, which for women the
27:26
kitchen is, you know, Our intimate space to have those raw
27:30
right conversations. So you have to earn your way to
27:33
the kitchen through those other kind of layers of the house, but
27:37
the parking lot. Assuming that they are a good
27:40
human and they've gotten past the gate of Your World.
27:44
They first should come in the parking lot.
27:46
Those are what we call water cooler people.
27:48
Like, hey, I just met you. I don't know anything about you.
27:51
Your seemed like a good human. Let's have a conversation.
27:53
Let's have tea, let's have coffee.
27:55
We might even come to a party that you're But that doesn't
27:58
mean I'm sharing my deepest darkest Intimate Secrets with
28:01
you because we've had 30 minutes of a tea conversation or
28:05
whatever, the case may be. But a lot of people because of
28:09
their attachment Styles and the different things that they grew
28:11
up with, in their experiences. No shade to their parents
28:14
parents, do what they can. Hopefully, the best they have to
28:17
offer in them that our of their lives, everyone's their friend,
28:21
and they end up or many people end up at the kitchen table,
28:25
very deep in a space that they did not earn their not
28:28
righteously connected to you. They haven't shown you equal
28:31
reciprocity in any specific way. And I don't mean you gave them a
28:35
dollar. They gave you a dollar back, but
28:36
if you gave him a dollar, there should be an energy of a dollar
28:39
back. And I don't know, they actually
28:41
care how your day was. They didn't jump into like, hey,
28:45
Rachel, how are you? Yeah, girl, so here, right like
28:47
you jump, right path. You didn't care for me to answer
28:50
in the first place but if there's an energy exchange that
28:53
feels equal to what you're pouring in the relationship.
28:56
Well, you're dating now, So we can move from the parking lot up
29:00
to the steps. Let's go into the Fourier,
29:02
right, like let's date each other a little bit longer to see
29:05
where we go. Just because I knew you since
29:07
second grade doesn't give you the right to sit at the table,
29:10
either because we do that in our romantic relationships, as well
29:14
as our platonic. I've known them for X number of
29:18
years. They might be my longest
29:20
standing, whatever relationship friendship.
29:23
Well, of course, they're at my kitchen table.
29:25
Okay. When was the last time?
29:28
That relationship served you when was the last time you
29:31
looked at their name, popping up off the phone and you didn't
29:33
have a gulp in your throat or a queasiness in your stomach.
29:37
When was the last time you thought about them?
29:39
When you were going through something exciting?
29:42
Or you were going through something damaging, when was the
29:46
last time? You could literally connect with
29:48
them without having to preface everything so that they wouldn't
29:52
damage you in the midst of that conversation.
29:54
Like these are like a lot of the the prompts that we go through
29:57
to help. People see that there is a way
30:00
you can have people earn their way to the kitchen and you don't
30:03
have to sell people like, hey, Nikita, you're a parking lot
30:05
person, right? Like your laugh together, I
30:09
think that would be a little harsh, right?
30:12
But like, we're dying. How long do I have to say in a
30:14
parking lot until the natural course of this relationship has
30:18
shown both of us that we need to be somewhere else.
30:21
And I will say, lastly, that for the kitchen table, no one should
30:25
be at your table where you are. Not at there's a As well,
30:29
otherwise you whatever you're sharing and your most deepest,
30:32
emotional intimacy or emotional nakedness is being shared with
30:37
their kitchen table person. So, if you're not at that table,
30:40
you need to re-evaluate like, yes, they're a good person.
30:42
There's a lot of reciprocity. Okay, maybe they're behind me to
30:45
be sitting on the living room couch, right?
30:47
Like, just be really mindful about that being the highest
30:51
level of intimacy. If you will, tonically
30:54
professionally and romantically thank you for sure. - of that
30:59
and that we all deserve to have those Folks at our tables and
31:03
that there's others that there's who are on par with us, right?
31:08
Who are our equals and seeing value US for, for all of the
31:11
things that we are doing. And then we are.
31:15
Yes. Yeah.
31:17
And and I think the other thing that comes up for me, thats
31:20
related to know these concepts of permission to pause and joy
31:26
is these relationships. That really Ali Forge security
31:30
and feeling safe and just allowing us to flourish, right?
31:35
And like get it get our world's align with with who we came here
31:39
to be and shine and all of that. So, I know you work a lot with
31:42
partners and, and romantic relationships, and I'm, you
31:46
know, for me, I maybe some of my listeners out there, you know,
31:48
we were married. They might be newlyweds and
31:51
might be married 50 years. I, for me, I've been married six
31:53
years. So, it's relatively new.
31:56
But can you tell us a little bit about You know how we can all
32:00
even be like selfish lovers and bringing that permission to
32:04
pause. Even if maybe our lifestyle
32:06
doesn't necessarily like do that right now, or we're just like,
32:11
you know, doing our thing. And then we just have this
32:13
relationship on the side and we're like, oh cool like high
32:16
five, you know, doing this thing you're doing.
32:18
I'm curious like how do we how do we get there?
32:20
How do we, how do we bring that to Bear a little bit more in our
32:23
lives? Yeah, so that's a powerful
32:26
question because I do feel like Like the best relationship and
32:29
the best lovemaking. Help happens when you're
32:31
intentionally selfish, like, when you have made the space to
32:34
know what you want first. And when I say that, honoring
32:39
that the other person matters, right?
32:41
Like I know my body really well, because I've given myself that
32:46
space to learn my body to learn, my triggers to learn what feels
32:49
good versus what might make me feel icky, or what doesn't do it
32:53
for me, even though by standards it does it for other women,
32:56
right? Me knowing That much about me
32:59
allows me to guide my what I call my first my soul's happen
33:03
forever lover, my husband and allows me to guide him without
33:07
diminishing his masculinity or taking away from his very
33:10
serious Alpha, right? Like I can take his hand and
33:13
move it somewhere else in a gentle or firm.
33:16
Whatever. Is your cup of tea, you know,
33:18
way and in the bedroom and in, the more boardroom of our
33:22
relationship that the conversation the communication,
33:24
that's not connected to the physical intimacy.
33:28
I get to have those deeper conversations and say wait a
33:30
minute I don't think you're hearing what I'm saying it and
33:34
it's not you. Let me rewind a little bit
33:36
because I know and This brilliant brain of mine.
33:39
I already know what I mean but maybe I'm not communicating it
33:42
that way. But because of that
33:44
self-awareness, which always kind of swings back that way.
33:47
I don't make it about him, 99% of time.
33:50
Now, I'm human and there are plenty of times when he's like,
33:53
oh my goodness, like talking to bunny.
33:55
It is a whole thing. It can be Don't let me get
33:59
frazzled and my adrenaline in my quarters.
34:01
Alright. And if I am, I have to know
34:02
enough about me to calm down and look at what am I missing.
34:06
Most couples most individuals in a couple and a monogamous couple
34:10
relationship, regardless of marriage certificate or not.
34:13
They want to be seen and heard and appreciated and validated
34:18
and the healthiest way. I don't, mean they're needy
34:21
needing you to validate their every time.
34:23
They pick up a spoon and put it in her mouth, but they need to
34:26
know that what they do. They do.
34:28
Is that their work matters? Even if you don't understand it,
34:30
even if you don't get it, even if you don't agree with it, they
34:33
want to know that you are you validate them as a human trying
34:37
to contribute to this world in some way.
34:40
And they want to be edified, which means to uplift and
34:43
Empower for anyone who's just not familiar with that version
34:46
of the word, they also want to be desired.
34:49
So, when you have someone who, you know, maybe they travel a
34:53
lot, like a lot of our couples because of all the things that
34:55
they're doing, they're traveling for half the year.
34:58
They might be back for two days, they just want to sleep, then
35:00
they have obligations to visit family that they haven't seen
35:04
that. It's also been fussing them out,
35:05
just like you've been fussing out about your attention and not
35:08
getting the the time with them. They also have these other
35:11
layers of guilt playing them and making them really heavy.
35:15
So you're there safe person. You're the person that's at the
35:18
kitchen table with them unfortunately in their mind
35:21
because partially because we've trained them this way.
35:24
They think that it's okay to be more dismissive to you.
35:28
They need space to like, yeah, I got to talk to my mom.
35:30
I gotta call my dad, I gotta check on my sister.
35:32
You know, I got to talk to my business partners whatever.
35:35
Especially when you have passing ship issues happening.
35:38
Or you feel like roommates and you're not, you love each other,
35:42
you honor each other, you respect each other, but you're
35:44
not in love anymore. The best way to reconnect as
35:48
first to look at where you're not in love with you.
35:51
Like what did I give up for this fool?
35:54
Think that's, let's keep it real, you know, I like what it
35:57
did? I Let Go?
35:57
Go of me. I used to love tennis.
35:59
I used to love dancing. I used to be with my friends
36:02
more and then I consumed myself in the earlier, you know, sexy
36:07
years of us being together. A lot of that kind of shedded
36:11
off of me. The parts of me that I love the
36:14
artistic part, the quirky part, the laugh at silly movies part,
36:18
whatever that was, and what parts of it, do I actually want
36:22
to rekindle, even if it's in a different way, maybe my 50 plus
36:26
year old knees are not about that.
36:28
Jenna's life on cement anymore, right?
36:30
But maybe it's the fact that I'm in a partner game a physical
36:35
game and I can sweat and I can feel the Sun.
36:37
So maybe there's something else that you can get back into with
36:40
yourself and your partner, assuming that they're good human
36:44
and that they love you. They're watching, they're seeing
36:48
all of this change happening before their eyes and they're
36:52
looking at your spirit, change their seeing your energy, change
36:56
their seeing your language. Change, your volume is different
36:59
with them. Your tone is different, the sex
37:02
is different because you are starting to actually claim more
37:06
of what is good for you. And if you happen to be a woman
37:08
listening to this, when you have an amazing orgasm, he can't
37:13
help, but to be excited and try to get it together, so he can
37:17
match your pace on so many levels.
37:19
And unfortunately, for most men, we can have 15 orgasms.
37:23
So they're roughly Max at 3 assuming no medication.
37:27
So there's like a lot Out of layers, that go into that.
37:29
But if I had to say one thing, it would be increase the
37:33
communication intimacy more than anything and then we can ride
37:37
from there. Take it from there.
37:39
Yeah, I love all yours. Bringing us all together, right?
37:42
What, you know, like we can't, I know for me, I compartmentalize
37:44
a lot of things, whether it's work, whether it's my
37:47
relationship or my social life, my friend.
37:51
And always that we're talking about today in the what I'm
37:54
hearing is, you know, this goes back to what you stand for,
37:56
which is like wholeness But going through that and then the,
37:59
like this whole way we get there is through being selfish, like,
38:02
how cool is that? I can love it.
38:05
Thank you, thanks, for bringing that home and that kind of tying
38:10
it all together because what, you know, I think what I'm
38:12
hearing from you Nikita, is that no matter what?
38:15
What it whether you're single or in a relationship woman man, who
38:20
never selfish, not sure what to do next.
38:24
Maybe you're guilty, whatever. It's like, you don't even know
38:26
where to start. It's like it's Hey, did you can
38:29
just kind of take that permission to pause and to be
38:32
self-aware just to be like what's one thing that I could do
38:35
differently and try. So just thank you, thank you for
38:39
sharing, so much so much today. And so grateful that you're here
38:45
too so we can learn from you and tell us where can we keep
38:49
learning from you? How do we, how do we find you?
38:51
Do you have anything else that you'd like to share with us
38:53
today and I thank you. I appreciate that.
38:56
Rachel, I would say the easiest thing.
38:57
NG is go to ask Nikita.com and there's like, I think it's like
39:01
70 minute free masterclass about activating your joy.
39:05
There is also like a special activity lesson at the end for
39:09
the couple's. You don't have to be a couple to
39:11
want to do it but there's a really good closing.
39:13
The love Gap activity that this at the end of that and if you
39:17
want to know more information about all the things we do, just
39:20
come listen to the balance bully podcast and you can get into my
39:23
ecosystem and learn all the juiciness that have.
39:26
Yes, yes the Just boldly podcast that's available and we heard
39:31
yeah ask Nikita.com and akta as Nikita.com and we'll check that
39:37
class out. That sounds really good.
39:39
We can all learn to learn to use a little more love and bring it
39:42
all in for Thanksgiving. You thanks for being with us
39:45
today and leading us in your world and we will see you very
39:50
soon. Hopefully, thank you so much.
39:51
I'm honored Thanks for listening today to the podcast.
40:03
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