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Journey To Self-Discovery And Growth: Navigating Life's Challenges With Purpose And Presence With Kevin Palmieri · Mindful You

0:03
Alan Carroll: Hello, everybody. And welcome back to the next
0:06
episode of the mindful for you podcast. My name is Alan
0:12
Carroll. And I'm your host as we explore together conversations
0:19
from fellow travelers who are going down the mindful path in
0:26
the variety of different forms. And today we have Kevin Palmeri.
0:38
Evan Palmeri has done over 1500 podcasts. He is the founder of
0:48
the next level University, a global top 100 self improvement
0:56
podcast. Over 1500 episodes 850,000 People have listened
1:07
over the last six years in over 125 countries. And so he has
1:17
lots of conversations, lots of experiences, dealing with
1:21
relationships dealing with commitments, habits, mindsets,
1:25
mindfulness, responsibility, the reactive part, the responsive
1:32
part. And in my conversation with Kevin, it was like playing
1:39
catch. I would throw a ball he would throw it back, because he
1:43
has a lot of similar insights as you walk the mindfulness path.
1:50
So I am excited to be able to share with you today, Kevin
1:55
Palmieri, please welcome Kevin to the mindful you podcast.
2:01
Thank you. Welcome, welcome Kevin Palmieri to the mindful
2:09
you podcast. What a pleasure to have you joining us today.
2:14
Kevin Palmeri: Likewise, my friend, I'm doing very, very
2:16
well. I appreciate the time, I'm excited to chat. We had a little
2:19
brief conversation behind the scenes and you're wonderful. So
2:22
I'm sure our conversation together will be as well.
2:26
Alan Carroll: I agree. I agree. I'm very much into the omens of
2:32
indicators of future things. And just your vibration, your
2:37
energy, the clarity of your ability to articulate the
2:42
thoughts that you are wanting to formulate. Wonderful. Plus, I
2:47
told you, I really love the background love. I love the I
2:50
love the background. I'm talking about background. Give us a
2:55
little bit of your background, Kevin. So we have a sense about
3:00
what are some of the events that have shaped you and have
3:05
directed you down that path where you are developing that
3:08
mindfulness way of being and then contributing and then being
3:12
of service to others, bringing that mindfulness to other
3:15
people. Okay, give us a little bit of a tour of, of your of
3:19
your history.
3:20
Unknown: Yeah, I would say if we were thinking of my life as a
3:23
journey, there would be a couple attractions probably worth
3:26
visiting. I would say, first of all, I was raised in a household
3:30
by my mom and my grandmother didn't know my dad, I didn't
3:33
meet my dad until I was 27. So obviously that plays a role in a
3:37
young man's life, trying to figure out what all that means.
3:40
Is it my fault, you know, obviously we can dive into that.
3:44
Other than that, Alan, something very unique happened to me when
3:47
I was in high school. I realized pretty early on that I didn't
3:50
want to go to college. I said I don't know what I want to do
3:53
with my life but I don't think I want to go pay somebody a lot of
3:55
money to help me figure it out. When I think it's up to me I
3:58
have to figure this out by myself. So after high school, I
4:02
stayed back I lived in the town that I grew up in and I pumped
4:05
gas at the local gas station. I ended up being a personal
4:09
trainer, truck driver forklift operator construction worker, I
4:14
worked at a hospital many many many different things. I
4:17
eventually got a job that was very financially lucrative and
4:21
when I got this job, I thought to myself this is it this
4:26
external success this external validation this external
4:30
significance is going to fix all of the internal voids that I
4:33
have been unconscious of slash running from for my entire life.
4:39
So if you look at it again, the unconscious yeah the unconscious
4:43
I would say inner voids okay, right this stuff that I I
4:49
assumed nice cars money, beautiful partner. I assumed
4:55
fitness right being having a nice body. I assumed all of that
4:58
would fix the intern. Little stuff that I had going on.
5:02
Alan Carroll: So there was something missing internally.
5:06
And then you thought based on the world in which we live the
5:10
acquiring of physical objects that will make people happy, and
5:15
you began to acquire the physical objects. And now you're
5:18
saying, You know what, Alan, I acquired a lot of great physical
5:21
objects, and didn't change the stuff inside of my inside of me.
5:26
Unknown: Yes, yeah. When I was when I was 25, I had, I was
5:31
making anywhere from 60 to $120 an hour, depending on where I
5:35
was working and what the contract was. My girlfriend at
5:38
the time was a model. I had just competed in and won a
5:41
bodybuilding show. I had a sports car and new apartment,
5:45
health, wealth and love, everything seemed right, it
5:49
seemed like it was overflowing. But my girlfriend ended up
5:53
leaving me. And I had to figure out what all that meant. Work
5:59
got slow, and I was struggling financially. The next year was
6:03
the most abundant year I've ever had in terms of finances. But I
6:07
still ended up sitting on the edge of a bed contemplating
6:09
suicide the year after that. So you can see that there was in
6:13
the beginning, I don't think there was a lot of hope for
6:16
Kevin didn't go to college was doing a lot of odd jobs, trying
6:19
to figure out life, got a really good job and got a lot of
6:22
significance. So I'm starting to trend upward, then I start to
6:26
trend down because my mental health is is suffering. So I
6:29
ended up leaving that job in 2018. And going full time into
6:33
podcasting. And here we are almost seven years later, and or
6:39
six years later. And that's what I do every single day, so that
6:42
the real big attractions in my life, were growing up without a
6:45
dad trying to figure out what that that really means not going
6:49
to college, and dealing with the judgment that potentially would
6:52
come with that. And then really acquiring everything I assumed
6:56
would make me feel whole internally, realizing it didn't
7:01
losing all of it. Just to regain all and more plus, becoming more
7:09
self aware, becoming more fulfilled, which is a word I
7:12
love to use, and understanding that the external and the
7:15
internal world are connected. But I think all things
7:19
considered the internal world is probably more important. Because
7:23
when you work on the internal, you can create external,
7:26
external doesn't come internal, I don't think I don't really
7:29
think it works like that, at least for me.
7:32
Alan Carroll: Yeah, the, it's often it's been said that the
7:39
what you think inside your mind and what you see out in the
7:42
world at the same thing. And if you can alter the thinking,
7:47
inside your mind, though, the movie that you watch on the
7:51
outside is going to match perfectly with what you think.
7:55
And so by looking at the internal, which is the journey
7:59
of mindfulness, then you begin to start to explore. So let's
8:05
talk about the things that you feel you don't feel balanced.
8:10
You feel you don't feel happy. You physical objects, don't do
8:17
it. And so then you start your journey. You start with mine, we
8:21
start with podcasting. And how did you when you chose the path
8:28
of podcasting? What about the self awareness piece? What about
8:32
the mindfulness piece of how did you know fall into that one?
8:37
Unknown: Yeah, it's, it's very unique. So the name of my
8:40
podcast when I first started, it was called the hyper conscious
8:43
podcast, acutely aware, I want to know everything about myself.
8:48
And it came from this, the year that I made the most money, I
8:53
was opening my final pay stub of the year, and I cracked it open,
8:56
I made $100,000 at 26, with no college degree, expectation, I'm
9:01
gonna feel amazing, this is gonna be great. Nothing changed.
9:04
So I said to myself valid for most of my life, especially this
9:08
year, I have to live I've lived unconsciously. I don't know why
9:12
I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm just kind of going through the
9:13
motions. The opposite of unconscious is hyper conscious.
9:17
That's where that all came from. And then I started a podcast
9:19
called The Hyper conscious podcast, and I became obsessed
9:22
with understanding myself at a deeper level. And it all started
9:25
with me asking myself why, why am I afraid of this? Why am I
9:30
attracted to this? Why do I feel safe around this type of person?
9:34
Why do I feel intimidated around this type of person? It just
9:37
started with me trying to figure out it was almost like I was
9:40
troubleshooting myself. Why is this not working? Why is this
9:44
working? For context? When when I logged on, you said your audio
9:49
sounds really good. We've been having a lot of audio issues. I
9:53
don't have the awareness to understand why it's happening. I
9:56
don't know why yet. I can't figure it out. I can't reverse
9:58
engineer how to fix it. So I was really troubleshooting my life
10:02
and saying, Okay, what's, what's working what's not. And I want
10:07
to add to a lot of the things I had did bring me momentary bouts
10:12
of happiness, but they never brought me sustainable levels of
10:15
fulfillment. And I think those are things that we often get
10:18
confused. I bought a brand new car recently, and I cried
10:22
driving off the lot, because I was so grateful. And I proved
10:25
myself right. And I was so proud of myself, fulfill me, it
10:30
doesn't change the being and the character of who Kevin is, and
10:33
it's not something I'm going to, it's going to change me
10:36
sustainably forever. It does bring me bouts of happiness,
10:39
when I get in it, I love it. What fulfills me is working
10:42
really hard towards a meaningful mission, and doing back to back
10:45
to back to back podcasts all day, because I believe I'm doing
10:49
what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm growing and contributing
10:51
towards something far greater than myself. So I do think
10:55
external things can bring momentary bouts of happiness, I
10:58
think fulfillment is the inner game that a lot of us are
11:01
looking for.
11:04
Alan Carroll: I liked the idea of finding a path in which you
11:10
get to contribute and be of service to others. And it seems
11:15
like when you give something out, the feeling that you get is
11:20
fulfillment, the taking things and putting it in, and not not
11:25
much fulfillment like the car and the people and the goods.
11:28
And that but there's something about finding a purpose in life
11:33
that's greater than the acquisition of material goods,
11:37
that is more of a spiritual conversation of how can we, you
11:43
know, get people out of the dungeons of their, of their mind
11:50
and to the light of heaven, if you wanted to use those, those
11:55
terms. And so, hyper consciousness, mindfulness, a
12:05
way of looking at mindfulness is being aware of what's there.
12:14
Without being hooked by what's there, you're able to see what's
12:22
there. And to me in mindfulness business, that's called the
12:27
witness or the observer of, of what So, and it sounds as though
12:35
you have achieved clearly that state of consciousness, where
12:39
you have developed the witness and the observer point of view,
12:43
is that true? Ah, so
12:46
Unknown: work. And I have, I have moments for Leto that way.
12:51
But I'm working. There's a lot of, there's a lot of behind the
12:56
scenes that you didn't notice. It looks really cool. And I'm a
13:01
podcaster, I podcast for a living, I have a very big
13:03
business and luckily, also passed it often. When it comes
13:07
to mindfulness. When it comes to self awareness. I had a moment
13:09
today Island, where I, I had a moment today where I was getting
13:14
out of the shower, and I had eight minutes before my first
13:16
meeting. And I noticed how quickly I was putting on my
13:19
shirt and putting on my deodorant putting on my cologne.
13:22
And I said, Kev, just take a second here, take a breath and
13:25
just put your shirt on like a normal day. Because what you're
13:29
doing is you're creating more anxiety for yourself by whipping
13:32
around the house, trying to get things done super fast. Walk at
13:36
a normal pace, put your shirt on, put your deodorant on,
13:39
you're going to create more anxiety and more uncertainty by
13:42
showing up in the way you're showing up. That was a really
13:45
important piece of mindfulness to me. But I have moments where
13:49
it's not that simple for sure.
13:51
Alan Carroll: Well, let's just talk about that. Because the the
13:57
it mindfulness is as simple as noticing that I put my button
14:06
twice. Why did it take me twice because I wasn't there the first
14:11
time. If I'm there, the first time only takes one time to
14:15
button. And that that's a great example of an easy stuff of
14:21
mindfulness is not the mountain the 20 years with the guru in
14:26
India and the Himalayas. Mindfulness is Oh, noticing it
14:32
took me twice to button the shirt. And, and that was a
14:38
beautiful, easy way of describing that observation. To
14:45
be able to witness the fact that I am rushing. And as soon as you
14:50
can witness it, you can then have another voice that that
14:56
takes command and tells you Hey Kev, hey chill, baby. It's okay.
15:00
All right, just take a breath get go. resettle, resettle
15:06
resettle. resettles. Ah, okay. All right. And you still made
15:12
the meeting. That that that is definitely hyper consciousness.
15:17
Thank you. You're so used to that. That's, that's what hybrid
15:20
consciousness means. And that's exactly what, what I believe
15:24
mindfulness is about. Likewise.
15:26
Unknown: And I wonder, I think one of the keys to mindfulness
15:32
is understanding your ego. Because it's very hard to be
15:37
mindful. Without being vulnerable with yourself. It's
15:43
it's a challenge. And I think the other thing too, is part of
15:46
mindfulness is understanding your reactions and responses to
15:49
people, places, things, ideas and feelings. Right, I think
15:52
that's one of the one of my favorite stories out and this is
15:55
one of the things that shifted me forever. My business partner,
15:59
myself, and one of our friends, we were working out, we were
16:02
down in Florida for an event that we were co hosting with one
16:05
of my friends. And in the gym, I've spent a decade more than a
16:10
decade working out. So I feel very confident, very centered,
16:13
I'm very certain. So 10 out of 10 confident at the end, we
16:17
finish our workout, we sit down in this gym, and we're having
16:20
conversation about business. And I had all this stuff come up. I
16:24
was like, these two guys are eat, they just have an ego. And
16:27
they're arrogant when it comes to business, and I don't like
16:29
them. I don't like them right now. And I sat there. And I
16:33
said, Is this a me problem? Or is this a them problem? And I
16:36
kept sitting with it. I didn't want to answer it. I didn't want
16:39
to sit with that. But what I came with was, they are far more
16:42
certain than I am when it comes to business. And rather than
16:47
admitting that being vulnerable, I'm making them wrong. I'm
16:50
villainizing them so I don't have to see the actual truth.
16:53
And that was a moment that pivoted a lot for me. And it
16:57
brought a lot of realization that the way much do what you
17:01
said the beginning, the way I see people is, a lot of that is
17:06
because when I'm feeling inside, and if I'm feeling uncertain, I
17:09
might say Alan is making me feel uncertain. That's not
17:11
necessarily true. And then I might treat Alan a certain way,
17:14
and he'll treat me away back and That'll lock in that belief,
17:19
self awareness, mindfulness, intentionality, I think are just
17:24
as big when it comes to other people, when it comes to other
17:29
stimuli. Really, because when you're with yourself, you can
17:33
take a second and sit when there's people around you, it's
17:35
really, it's really important and challenging to be able to do
17:38
it in real time. That's a that's an another layer of hyper
17:41
consciousness really
17:46
Alan Carroll: real time in the moment, the ability to wake up
17:59
and realize that you were asleep. is what I hear you
18:05
talking about. And the the waking up process, you have to
18:11
let go of something. And what you talk about was, oh, those
18:19
those guys all ego. And you were painting that picture in your
18:25
mind, and son of a gun, you can see that's all ego see those
18:28
people the tone of voice? The way they're acting? It's all
18:31
legal. I'm right. I'm right. And then you said yourself? Is there
18:37
a? Is it a them? Or are you issue? Is it me? Is that what
18:42
that does? Then you have the realization, self realization
18:50
that the paintbrush is in your hand. And you can paint it any
18:56
way you want. And so you realize that you had to let go of being
19:02
right, which is the ego and the thoughts. And you began to paint
19:07
another picture in your mind that these people, maybe they do
19:10
know something and maybe they do have knowledge, maybe they
19:13
aren't confident maybe they have earned more than I have. Maybe
19:16
they have earned the right to speak and maybe they have more
19:19
credibility. So maybe I need to be more humble and let go and
19:23
listen and open myself up and embrace that negative ego thing
19:30
you're talking about and realize it's it's a gift from God. It's
19:33
not it's not a negative ego. It's a self realization that you
19:37
discovered in your own reality. The whole idea you were
19:41
projecting and you don't have to do that.
19:44
Unknown: Yeah, my ego was trying to protect me from the truth and
19:47
I didn't understand I was ready for you. And I think that's
19:50
that's what our ego does. I mean, my wife and I have some
19:53
really challenging conversations at time and my egos there. It's
19:57
like it's waiting. It's like, Ah, you could say this. You
19:59
could Say this and you wouldn't have to get to the root of the
20:01
truth. And you could walk away and be a great conversation. But
20:04
you have to say is that is that what's best is that what's best
20:07
for this conversation is that what's best for my relationship,
20:10
ego plays, it's important, it's important to have an ego that
20:13
keeps you safe at times. But there are certain people you can
20:16
be vulnerable around. And you'll also find, if you use your ego,
20:20
the negative pieces with those people, your relationships are
20:23
not going to flourish at the level they could the people you
20:26
can be the most vulnerable around. One of the reasons why
20:30
is because you don't need your ego because you feel safe. Those
20:33
are also probably some of the best relationships we have, I
20:35
always say the level of your relationship is directly
20:38
connected to the level of vulnerability in it. I feel like
20:41
you and I would have a really good friendship behind the
20:44
scenes because I think we can be very vulnerable with each other.
20:46
I feel very safe here that I don't have there's no ego.
20:49
There's no protectors for me right now. But if you were
20:52
somebody who is toxic, it wouldn't be that way. If I was
20:54
somebody who was toxic, it wouldn't be that way. We would
20:57
have our egos up to keep us safe to protect us. So yeah, the ego
21:01
is a very unique, deep thing to think about and talk about.
21:07
Alan Carroll: Well, it's part of the game, of course, you go is
21:10
one of the words that is used to describe something that is the
21:15
source of suffering. And the being, or the mindfulness of the
21:19
Spirit, is something that we use to describe where you want to
21:23
get to. And so then how do you move from the ego identity to
21:29
the being identity or the god like consciousness. And what
21:33
you've what you've said is my observation is, it's simply to
21:38
observe the thoughts that are creating the tension in your
21:41
body. And ask yourself is this tension in my body, something
21:46
that I think is good to me or not, and making angry and upset
21:52
at you is causing tension in my body. So maybe I should stop
21:57
causing tension in my body and start vibrating the air with
22:01
more love and see what happens. And so you've made a shift,
22:05
unconscious, which is one of the benefits of mindfulness is you
22:09
now have in front of you, choice. And so you've reached a
22:15
level of awareness in which you can now choose Not that you
22:19
always make the right choice, right. But the way, the way
22:22
you're speaking is that you have enough binoculars of the
22:25
situation in front of you that you're able to make a spiritual
22:29
choice, a loving choice, a compassionate choice, an
22:32
empathetic choice, rather than an ego, right? I'm Ron united,
22:36
you need to take that kind of choice. And boy, which which is
22:41
which one is no suffering. Well, the one in which you let go, no
22:46
suffering there, the suffering is ran. Boy, that's really
22:51
exciting that I'm talking to somebody who, who who is who's
22:54
in that one. And I appreciate it and is who who understand you
22:59
fire the bullet, but but there's a recoil. So if you fire a
23:02
bullet, make it a love bullet. You don't need to make a
23:05
negative bullet because that that ricochets back and hurt
23:08
you.
23:10
Unknown: It's, it's definitely a challenging road. It's
23:13
definitely a challenging road, when we'll make this full
23:16
circle. I met my dad when I was 27. That was the first time I
23:20
ever met my father. So I got a, I was sitting on my couch in New
23:23
Hampshire. And I got a message on Facebook and went to this
23:26
private folder for people that you're not friends with. I
23:28
didn't even know it existed. So I opened this message and it
23:32
said, Hey, Kev, I'm blank. I'm your father's girlfriend. And I
23:35
remember throwing my phone on the floor and saying absolutely
23:38
not. We are not doing this today. This is not happening
23:40
today. It's the weekend. Nope, not going to do it. Then I got
23:44
curious, and I picked up my phone. And it said, Hey, Kev,
23:47
I'm blank, um, your father's girlfriend. Your father is
23:50
seeing you on Facebook. And he is very proud of you. And if you
23:54
would like the opportunity to meet he would love that. And I
23:57
remember thinking Absolutely not. This is not ever going to
24:01
happen. But I sat with it. I sat with it. I sat with it. The
24:04
reason I didn't want to do it is because I was afraid. I had said
24:07
so many negative things about this person because I never
24:10
thought I was gonna meet him. I never thought this opportunity
24:12
was gonna present itself. So I have said some bad things, some
24:14
negative things, some, some not so nice things. And I remember I
24:19
texted one of my friends and I said my my dad reached out. And
24:22
they said, Are you gonna go see him? And I said, Yeah, I have
24:24
to. I know it's a knowing I have to I know this is a big part of
24:29
the man you see in front of you. I have to figure this out. So I
24:32
met my dad, we got lunch at this diner. And when I was sitting
24:36
across from him, and I don't mean this to sound negative. I
24:40
looked at somebody who I had given so much power to so much
24:46
opera, much of my beings who energetically and I had
24:52
villainized him so much but he was not self aware. He was not
24:56
well developed. He was like a child to me and that It allowed
25:00
me to understand that number one, I can forgive this person,
25:04
not for him. But for me, let me forgive him because he didn't
25:07
know any better. I'm more developed than him and I'm 27
25:10
years old, I'm way more developed than he is, I can be
25:14
the bigger man and I can let this go. So one, let me Forgive
25:17
him, not for him for me. And to let me understand that the
25:22
person I have given all this power to create darkness over my
25:25
life for the last 27 years, doesn't deserve it is incapable
25:29
of it. When I left that day, I was a different man, you bet.
25:33
Sure, I was a free man. And I felt empowered. And I felt like
25:37
things had gaps had closed that I needed closed. So that's
25:42
another mindfulness self awareness thing. Oftentimes we
25:46
get, we get pings, we get knocks, we get downloads,
25:49
whatever you want to call them. And they're things that are
25:52
going to scare us a lot. Oftentimes, the things that
25:56
scare you the most are also the things that are going to create
25:58
the most the most growth. And that is one of the things that
26:02
one of the hardest things I've ever done by far was go see my
26:05
dad, it was also probably not coincidentally, one of the
26:08
things that facilitated the most amount of growth in my life. And
26:12
that's just another example of mindfulness, self awareness,
26:14
being brave, courage, whatever you want to label it as
26:19
Alan Carroll: the eye, the face to face, the fear. And the death
26:29
of fear is certain is one of the mantras. And so you face the
26:35
fear of meeting your father. And, and what you discovered in
26:44
meeting your father was that you lived in a, a hallucination
26:51
about your father, and you live there and write my father,
26:55
that's the way it is. And then when you actually saw your
27:00
father, you still, you still sort of tried to paint him the
27:05
way you want him to be in order for the ego to be satisfied that
27:09
all right, all of a sudden, your father, he didn't show up that
27:13
way. And so you, you had to break down something, he had to
27:18
knock something down, which which, which in my world, we
27:24
call that a big grievance, a big piece of crap that you carry on
27:29
your back. And when you forgave your father, you were released.
27:37
And all that energy that were you were using, to keep that
27:41
grievance alive, is now available, to do more of God's
27:46
work. And so you are just like, it's like being baptized. So you
27:51
are, it's almost like a baptism of is such a tremendous shift in
27:56
awareness. It's like, wow, that's a that's a, it's another
27:59
great example of a great milestone. And, and you are
28:05
willing to die. Almost the feeling of death is like you,
28:09
you let go you open up, I take me, take me I give up and employ
28:18
the what you harvest. The fruit of that was like, oh, Alton,
28:24
you're not the man, you were. Yeah. And
28:27
Unknown: it taught me a lot about fear to a lot of the
28:29
things that I'm afraid of, I feel amazing after I do them
28:33
speaking on stage, I'm very confident as a podcast, I've
28:36
done so many episodes, I haven't done 1500 speeches. So when I
28:39
get on stage, it is like oh my goodness, this is the most
28:43
vulnerable thing in the world. But afterwards, I always feel so
28:46
good. It, that's another thing we I think a lot of us are
28:50
creating our fears we're creating, what happens is we
28:54
create a fear, I could never be a public speaker. And then every
28:57
opportunity we have to face that fear, we avoid it. So we
28:59
actually build the fear bigger and bigger and bigger and
29:02
bigger. And I say this all the time, anybody, whether you're
29:06
watching or listening, you could be a podcaster like I am and get
29:08
to 1500 episodes, but you just got to go through the first 300
29:12
episodes of suck, where you're just not going to be that good.
29:15
I was terrible for the first 150 I was not confident I didn't
29:17
believe in myself. But I kept going, I kept going, I kept
29:20
going. I think that's just the journey of life when you ride a
29:23
bike for the first time, unless you're just a natural. You got
29:28
your training wheels on and you're just trying to figure it
29:30
out. The problem is later in life we forget about the
29:33
humility it took to put the training wheels on. I don't want
29:37
to put training wheels on now but sometimes you have to and
29:40
that's okay, you're gonna make more progress because of it. So,
29:43
tapping into the ego yet again.
29:47
Alan Carroll: Ego is flying around all over the place. Of
29:49
course, everywhere. You You You said a an important couple of
29:57
words in the mindfulness space. This one, you said, you were
30:01
able to shift a reaction to a response to the event that is in
30:09
front of you. And let's just let's, let's use that as our
30:13
last sort of question. And then we'll find out, you know how we
30:17
can meet you and connect with you. So give us your sense about
30:23
the differences and how do you do it and what it is and
30:26
reacting versus responding.
30:30
Unknown: I have analogy, I call it pinball. So my wife and I
30:35
will have a challenging conversation. She'll say
30:38
something, I might get triggered. And I all in my mind,
30:42
it's pinball, I want to take my thought, I want to bounce it off
30:44
that wall off that wall off that wall off that flipper off that
30:48
thing off that thing. And let me just knock some of this dust
30:50
off. Because oftentimes, the first thing we say is not the
30:53
truth. The first thing we say is the safest thing. It's the
30:56
trigger thing. It's the ego thing. It's the punch you back
31:01
thing, it's to get a jab and not to get the truth in. So for me,
31:06
reacting is just unconscious. When it maybe this has happened.
31:11
Whether you're watching, you're listening, when I drop a knife
31:14
off the counter, my natural reaction is to put my foot out
31:18
to try to catch it. Not good. Not good. Not a good not a good
31:21
idea. I that's just the way I am if I if something's falling, I
31:25
try to catch it. It's just a natural human response for me.
31:28
That's a response. It's unconscious. I'm not thinking
31:31
about it. If I was thinking about it, I would never do it.
31:33
That's a terrible idea. A reaction is conscious. A
31:37
reaction is me consciously saying, Oh, that thing is
31:40
falling. Oh, that's a knife, it's going to be fine. If it
31:42
hits the floor, it is going to be fine. Now, if we were to take
31:47
that a layer deeper, I have two cats. I love my cats. I'm the
31:50
ultimate cat Dad, I'm branding myself that way. If one of my
31:54
cats was standing under the knife, my reaction and my
31:58
response would probably be the same. One would be unconscious,
32:01
I'm not thinking about the cats, the other would be hyper
32:04
conscious, I am thinking about the cats. I'd rather take a
32:07
knife in the foot and one of them take a knife in the head,
32:09
I'll heal a lot quicker than they will. I think a reaction is
32:14
unconscious. And oftentimes, I don't want to say, Yeah,
32:21
triggered is probably the best word. A response is thought of a
32:27
response is what you do when you get an email, you respond. You
32:31
don't react, you respond, you take time. That's why emails are
32:34
usually written with a lot of length, rather than saying, hey,
32:38
screw you, you write something out? Hey, Alan, I got your
32:41
email. And the way I felt when you said blank, or I know you
32:45
want to get the project done for this amount of time.
32:47
Unfortunately, we can't do it. When my reaction is no, we could
32:51
never do that. My response is this is more of my truth. So I
32:56
like to think of the response is more conscious. And a reaction
32:59
is kind of just the first thing that comes to your mind, even
33:02
though it's not always the serving thing that comes to your
33:04
mind.
33:06
Alan Carroll: You, you mentioned that the time, you now have time
33:16
to think about how you want to respond versus that automatic
33:20
reaction based on your conditioning. How do you create
33:24
the time? How do you become that conscious? Because most people,
33:29
it's an automatic reaction. Yeah, they're saying, I noticed
33:33
the automatic reaction. But I'm able to stay present, and then
33:38
shifted over to respond. How did you develop that time piece?
33:43
Unknown: Ask for it. Especially if you're communicating with
33:46
someone just say, Hey, can I have a minute to process that
33:49
that started for me? I don't know what I want to say yet. So
33:52
I need to figure out what I want to say because and also after a
33:57
certain amount of time you start to figure out oh, yeah, every
34:00
time I have a disagreement with someone, I just say the first
34:02
thing that comes to my mind, and I don't know it's not working.
34:04
It just doesn't seem to be working very well for me. So I
34:09
always try to give credit to the people around me. I'm surrounded
34:11
by a lot of amazing people. My wife's amazing. So I can say to
34:15
her, or she can say to me, Hey, I need a minute. I need a
34:18
minute. And she'll walk away or I'll walk away and I'll figure
34:21
out and process and we'll come back and we'll meet at a more
34:24
complex. So I would say that having the right people around
34:29
is one of the best cheat codes for life because it makes
34:31
everything a little bit easier. Having the wrong people around
34:35
is something very challenging because it makes everything a
34:37
little bit harder, unfortunately. So I would say it
34:40
starts with that when it comes to people. And a lot of it is
34:45
just internal dialogue. When I Oh, I think about everything.
34:49
I'm always thinking about stuff. Always. I was dating a young
34:53
lady one time and she said Kevin, you think too much. And I
34:55
was like this isn't gonna work. Because I do I think a lot I
34:58
don't think I think too much I think I think a lot. I think
35:01
that's good. So just becoming familiar with what your inner
35:05
dialogue is, right now the inner dialogue that I'm working
35:08
through, is, I tend to say no by default. So my wife will say,
35:14
Hey, are you able to blink? And I won't think about, I'll just
35:16
say, No, I'm too busy. I have 12 calls that I'm too busy. I'm
35:20
working on reformulating that, too, that is me that has a
35:25
trauma response. I'm overwhelmed. I say no, no more.
35:27
I can't do any more. Don't put it on my plate. But I also
35:30
understand she doesn't feel heard when I do that. I'm not
35:33
even hearing I'm just saying no. Hey, Kev, can you know, can? So
35:38
that's something I'm working on right now.
35:41
Alan Carroll: It's, it's a game, I think everybody on the
35:44
mindfulness path plays. It's the self aware, not self aware, self
35:48
aware, not self aware. And when you want to increase your
35:51
statistic of being aware in the moment, and most people are
35:55
unaware, but they think they are aware, until you develop that
36:01
the witness or the observer, and you're able to, to, to create
36:06
the time, based on works doesn't work. You know, it doesn't work
36:12
when I react so quickly. Why don't I shift that behavior? Let
36:17
me let me figure out another strategy that I can use in that
36:21
moment, I'm not sure what it is because I'm a beginner. So I'm
36:24
going to make lots of mistakes. So you start to fumble, but you
36:27
but you, you, you, you, you interrupt or disrupt the
36:32
automaticity of the reaction, and that, that that short
36:37
circuits, the the pattern, and then you then you You take the
36:43
red pill, and you wake up from the pattern that you didn't even
36:47
know you were in. And so that is allows you to be still in the
36:57
movie. And if you're still you have clarity about what's what
37:02
would be the best choice, and most people are not still they
37:08
are thinking and thought he's not to steal, their thoughts
37:12
aren't still. And so there's constant reaction reaction
37:15
reaction. So congratulations on achieving at a young age. And
37:22
you get to practice see is like I get to practice it's a little
37:27
further down the road, I get to practice every day awareness,
37:30
awareness of the thoughts that I'm thinking, and telling myself
37:36
is that thought healthy for me to get upset at, you know, let
37:41
it go. So the we're going to we're going to complete this
37:45
particular part of the conversation. And, but there's,
37:50
there's, there's lots of other things that I would like to
37:53
discuss at some future time. works for you. Okay, 100%.
37:56
Because the forgive piece is a is a big piece of the game. And
38:02
so we could devote a whole podcast just on forgiveness and
38:05
what forgiveness is. I'm in it. I would like to give you an
38:08
opportunity just to say whatever you'd like to say to complete?
38:12
And also how do we connect with you? And all this will be in the
38:17
show notes yet? Somebody will want read the show notes.
38:20
Amazing. How can people connect with you?
38:23
Unknown: Yeah, the last thing I would say is I think one of the
38:29
things that we struggle with the most as humans is we see where
38:32
someone is, and we assume they've been there forever. And
38:34
we see where we are and we assume will be there forever.
38:37
And you mentioned it time is a wonderful multiplier, or it's a
38:42
negative multiplier depends on what you're doing. So if you're
38:45
focused on being more self aware, give yourself a year.
38:48
More mindful, give yourself a year more patient, give yourself
38:53
a year, it adds up, it might not seem like on a day to day
38:56
anything is happening because it really isn't. But when you add
38:58
up one by 365, it adds up. So that would be my little closing
39:02
statement. And then yeah, if you want to check out our podcast,
39:05
it's called next level University. We do an episode
39:08
every single day on life, love health and wealth. That's our
39:11
brand in a nutshell. And if you have any questions for me,
39:15
whatever it may be feedback, anything, Kevin at next level
39:18
universe.com Is my email. I do my own email. So I'm happy to
39:22
hear from you and or assist and add value in any way I can.
39:26
Wonderful.
39:27
Alan Carroll: Kevin, thank you very much for sharing with our
39:31
audience, the your journey, and all the wonderful little stars
39:37
and bright stars of insights, that that illuminated things for
39:42
you along along that path of wonderful stories, powerful
39:46
stories. I appreciate the the openness and the vulnerability
39:50
of of sharing with our audience. Thank you very much.
39:52
Unknown: Thank you, Alan. I appreciate you.
39:54
Alan Carroll: You're welcome. Bye bye for now.