Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E205: From OnlyFans to Only Christ w/Nala Ray | Lila Rose Show

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E205: From OnlyFans to Only Christ w/Nala Ray | Lila Rose Show · The Lila Rose Show

• 0:00
  So this guy reaches out to me on Instagram and he's like, hey,
• 0:02
  have you ever heard of only fans?
• 0:04
  I just dove right into the deep end.
• 0:06
  So I worked really hard for a month and then in my first month
• 0:09
  I made like $85,000. 85,000 bucks yeah.
• 0:12
  And I've always felt like a caged bird.
• 0:14
  Now I finally have that freedom. I think at one point you were
• 0:16
  one of, if not the top creator. Top .01% so not even 1%.
• 0:21
  Zero, 1% and you're making millions of dollars at this
• 0:24
  point. My dad found out from somebody
• 0:26
  at his work telling him and showing him.
• 0:28
  Things you see in that world are crazy.
• 0:32
  It's things now that I cannot get out of my head.
• 0:34
  The devil has a budget and God does not.
• 0:36
  So yeah, I had money, I had power, but at the end of the
• 0:38
  day, I had nothing. I had just traveled to New York
• 0:41
  and I had no weed on me. I came back to my hotel room.
• 0:43
  I just felt like I hit the rock bottom.
• 0:46
  And if God has anything to do with it, I want to know.
• 0:50
  And you're saying you're getting backlash from people who profess
• 0:52
  faith? More than unbelievers.
• 0:55
  Which is so like antithetical to Christianity, right?
• 1:00
  Hey guys, welcome back to the Lila Rose show.
• 1:02
  I am so excited to have someone in studio that I have seen from
• 1:05
  a distance and thought, wow, she's really changing the world
• 1:08
  in a beautiful way. Her name is Nala Ray and she
• 1:11
  first came out with her story, I think over a year ago now,
• 1:14
  sharing about her incredible transformation from being
• 1:17
  involved with only fans to now being a Christian, loving God
• 1:22
  and wanting to make her entire platform, rejecting the past and
• 1:25
  making her platform about serving and loving God.
• 1:27
  She's now married, she is here with me in studio and I could be
• 1:30
  more excited. And you guys, we just launched
• 1:32
  Supercast where I have something called the Rose Report, which is
• 1:35
  this growing community of people who are supporting this show,
• 1:38
  who are passionate about our mission to bring goodness,
• 1:40
  truth, beauty into the media marketplace.
• 1:42
  I would love for your support over there.
• 1:44
  We're going to be sending out weekly updates, special behind
• 1:47
  the scenes access. You'll have the opportunity to
• 1:49
  put in questions for future guests and a lot of more fun
• 1:52
  stuff. And you can check that out at
• 1:53
  rosereport.supercast.com. Rosereport.supercast.com come
• 1:58
  Nala, thank you so much for coming of.
• 2:00
  Course. Thank you, Lila.
• 2:01
  To meet you. Me too.
• 2:03
  It's an honor. You're just as lovely in person,
• 2:06
  thank. You, you are too.
• 2:07
  So you know when you see people online and you're like, how can
• 2:10
  they look like that? But you look so much better in
• 2:12
  person. Even you know you look great on
• 2:14
  the Internet but beautiful in person that.
• 2:16
  Is so sweet and getting to talk to you as like this woman has
• 2:18
  such a heart. I can see for other people and
• 2:20
  for God, I've seen that from a far three-year platform, but
• 2:23
  getting to talk to you personally, I can see that in
• 2:26
  person. So just wanted to say that and
• 2:28
  to thank you for saying yes to God's love, of course.
• 2:33
  It was honestly an easy yes, very easy yes, because I, I
• 2:37
  really didn't realize what I was missing out on until I said yes,
• 2:41
  you know, and then his blessings just flew from there.
• 2:43
  So. So let let maybe we should start
• 2:45
  with the beginning, OK? So tell us about your
• 2:48
  background, Nala. So I was actually a Baptist
• 2:52
  race. I became a Christian maybe when
• 2:55
  I was like 11-12. My parents had been through a
• 2:59
  lot. Like they had divorced when I
• 3:01
  was about nine years old. We weren't a Christian then, a
• 3:03
  Christian family then. I'm the middle of five children.
• 3:06
  So my parents divorced and then remarried about two years later.
• 3:10
  And then we really started getting involved into the
• 3:13
  church. My dad became a pastor for a
• 3:15
  while and then slowly things just start started kind of
• 3:20
  falling apart. We went through like 3 church
• 3:22
  splits, really had a very hard time connecting to the Christian
• 3:25
  community. I don't know why.
• 3:26
  I was very young at the time, but as I started getting into my
• 3:30
  teenage years, things really started changing for me.
• 3:34
  I went down a very bad rebellious path and I don't want
• 3:38
  anyone to think that it's because of my parents.
• 3:40
  You know, we make our own decisions.
• 3:42
  However, really bad things happen to me.
• 3:45
  I released some information on another podcast stating that
• 3:48
  when I was 13, I was molested and that really took part into
• 3:53
  my rebellion as a early teenager like 1617.
• 3:57
  And I just constantly sought after the attention of men, no
• 4:02
  matter what their age was or you know, what was going on in the
• 4:05
  situation. I continually sought after that
• 4:07
  attention. My dad was gone a lot from
• 4:10
  working and I, I just felt so isolated from my family, you
• 4:16
  know, like the middle kid jokes about like, you know, they're
• 4:19
  the black sheep of the family. I truly felt like the black
• 4:22
  sheep of my family, not because of anything my parents were
• 4:24
  doing or my siblings, but I just didn't feel like connected to my
• 4:29
  family at the time. And I sought after that
• 4:31
  attention in other ways, like sneaking out of my window at
• 4:34
  like 3:00 AM and not getting back until 5:00 AM, meeting
• 4:37
  people, random people on the Internet to just talk to.
• 4:40
  And all of that kind of came to a screeching halt when my
• 4:44
  parents called the cops on me one night and I was grounded
• 4:48
  forever. Wait, why did they call the
• 4:50
  cops? Because I had snuck it out and
• 4:52
  they they found out that I had snuck out and like they all woke
• 4:55
  up. I was getting calls from my mom
• 4:57
  at like 5:00 in the morning, like 17.
• 4:59
  So very, really, very young and and.
• 5:03
  They called the cops to go find you.
• 5:04
  Were they afraid you'd been kidnapped or they're just like?
• 5:07
  Yes, they were afraid. They had no idea what had
• 5:09
  happened. They were scared I wasn't
• 5:10
  answering my phone. So I drove quickly back home and
• 5:14
  found the cops at my doorstep. And so the cops were questioning
• 5:18
  me. Shining lights in my face is
• 5:19
  like trying to get the truth. I was lying about the whole
• 5:22
  situation because I didn't want my parents to find out.
• 5:24
  Hey, I'm actually sneaking out to go meet men.
• 5:26
  But I think they understood at that point.
• 5:28
  Like I knew they knew I going out to meet somebody.
• 5:30
  So and then little while past I was still involved in the church
• 5:36
  but hated being in the church. I just felt like I didn't belong
• 5:39
  there. We were going to like kind of a
• 5:40
  mega church at the time, didn't really have great friends.
• 5:44
  My youth group was really odd for some reason.
• 5:47
  I just didn't feel like I connected to anybody in there
• 5:49
  because I was such AI felt so different, you know, I felt like
• 5:53
  I was destined for better things, bigger things, you know,
• 5:56
  I didn't grow up with much money and I always wanted that, you
• 5:59
  know, I always like wanted more in my life than to just be
• 6:03
  broke, you know. And so I got jobs like since I
• 6:08
  was like 15, working at fast food places and then got a job
• 6:11
  as a like a operations manager and training at like LA Fitness.
• 6:15
  And my work career just kind of took over.
• 6:18
  I was going to college at the time to become like a dental
• 6:20
  hygienist. And then I didn't want to go to
• 6:22
  college anymore because I wanted to work full time immediately.
• 6:26
  So I got into like the healthcare and then that was
• 6:29
  about 19 to 20. And then some random stranger
• 6:34
  reached out to me on Instagram. And at the time I was tiny on
• 6:37
  the Internet. Like I only had an Instagram and
• 6:39
  that was it. And I maybe only had like 5000
• 6:42
  followers. And so this guy reaches out to
• 6:44
  me on Instagram and he's like, hey, have you ever heard of only
• 6:47
  fans? And I'm like, absolutely not
• 6:49
  like what? We're about to go into COVID at
• 6:51
  this point. And so he reaches out and I'm
• 6:53
  like, OK, So what is only fans? And you're, you're telling me
• 6:57
  that I can make a bunch of money on it?
• 6:58
  Like, what are you talking about?
• 6:59
  Like, what do I do? He ran me through everything
• 7:02
  that I needed to do. He said that I should sell like
• 7:05
  explicit material and like bikini photos, you know, kind of
• 7:08
  the stuff I was already posting on my Instagram.
• 7:10
  And at that point I'd moved out of my parents house.
• 7:12
  So I was living alone in an apartment with my dog.
• 7:16
  And so I took on Onlyfans, had no idea what I was doing.
• 7:21
  But I stopped posting those bikini photos on Instagram and
• 7:23
  started posting them on Onlyfans.
• 7:25
  And so I gained a little bit of traction at like the first week,
• 7:29
  but then I really started promoting it and then opened up
• 7:32
  a TikTok, opened up a Twitter, like any social media platform
• 7:35
  you could have. I opened it up because I was
• 7:37
  like, I really want to drive subscribers here.
• 7:40
  So I worked really hard for a month and then in my first month
• 7:43
  I made like $85,000. It started. 5000 bucks, Yeah.
• 7:47
  Before that you were working at the LA Fitness and then you have
• 7:50
  this Only Fans thing show up. You put the bikini photos on
• 7:52
  Only Fans. Were you also starting to do
• 7:54
  more explicit stuff at this point?
• 7:55
  Yes, just mainly like nude kind of stuff.
• 7:59
  Nothing into porn or anything at that point.
• 8:02
  I never wanted to go that far. I was like, no, if I can make
• 8:06
  this kind of money, you know, doing bikini photos, like, why
• 8:09
  should I go that far? So I ended up signing with an
• 8:13
  agency like a TikTok or not, excuse me, an only fans agency.
• 8:17
  And the agency really started to push my limits, you know,
• 8:20
  telling me like, oh, but if you don't sell this, you'll never
• 8:23
  make more money. And I'm a very competitive
• 8:25
  person. So whatever field I'm in, I want
• 8:28
  to excel. And I, I wasn't comfortable just
• 8:30
  making that, you know, because at some point they were telling
• 8:33
  me like, Oh, if you just continue to do this, you know,
• 8:35
  you're going to have to bring in tons of subscribers just to make
• 8:38
  that money per month. So you need to up what you're
• 8:41
  doing on there. So show more, you know, sell
• 8:44
  different kinds of content. So I was like, OK, you know,
• 8:47
  I'm, I'm pretty comfortable with that, No worries.
• 8:49
  Like so it got a little bit more exclusive on there and then
• 8:55
  months and I was making at least 100,000 a month for quite some
• 8:59
  time. And then my parents found out
• 9:03
  that I was on only Fans. My dad found out from somebody
• 9:06
  at his work telling him and showing him.
• 9:08
  Your dad is working his job. His coworker was he a fan of
• 9:13
  like a? Fan of yours?
• 9:14
  He must have been if he had the content.
• 9:16
  So somebody upright and just told my dad that I was on
• 9:20
  Onlyfan selling this. My dad was like, no, she's not
• 9:22
  because he thought I was working as, like, a dental hygienist
• 9:25
  wannabe, you know, And I wasn't. And so I was like, maybe they
• 9:29
  just won't find out, you know, because my parents really aren't
• 9:31
  on the Internet that much. So I'm like, it probably won't
• 9:34
  happen. But I was just very honest when
• 9:37
  he came to me about it and was like, hey, are you actually
• 9:39
  doing this? And I was like, well, yeah, I
• 9:41
  am. And, you know, he took a moment,
• 9:44
  absorbed it and was like, OK, you know, I still love you.
• 9:49
  You know, this is kind of a, a harsh thing to hear, you know,
• 9:53
  but it's OK. And I was like, that was the
• 9:56
  best reaction I could have ever gotten.
• 9:57
  He literally said it's OK. Yeah.
• 9:59
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  And at this point, I'm curious, were you, you said earlier like
• 10:51
  you didn't want to go too far? You know, some nudes or some
• 10:53
  bikini pics is one thing, but you don't want to go even more
• 10:56
  explicit than that. Did you have a sense of faith at
• 10:59
  this point or a sense of, you know, this is right or this is
• 11:02
  wrong? Or was it more just like, hey,
• 11:04
  whatever I want to do is fine as long as I don't feel like I'm
• 11:06
  hurting anybody and I'm just going to kind of explore this.
• 11:10
  What was kind of your mindset? So at the time I was like 2021,
• 11:14
  very young and I had given up on my face.
• 11:17
  Like I have had so much church hurt.
• 11:20
  I was so tired of being in church, you know, because that
• 11:22
  was my relationship with God was on Sunday morning.
• 11:25
  So there was no relationship. It was just Sunday morning, go
• 11:28
  to church, sing some worship songs and go home and eat, you
• 11:31
  know. So it was a really difficult way
• 11:35
  because it felt like it tore me away from my family, you know,
• 11:38
  because they were like Christians and I was like, you
• 11:40
  know what, I'm done with this. I'm done being hurt.
• 11:43
  I want to go do my own thing. Now I have the freedom to, if I
• 11:46
  pay, like, you know how your dad says, like, you know, under my
• 11:49
  roof, you know, you have to live by my rules.
• 11:51
  But now it's under my roof. I pay for my roof.
• 11:54
  This is my rules now. So that's how I felt.
• 11:56
  I wanted to be independent. I've always felt like a cage
• 11:59
  bird. And so now I finally have that
• 12:01
  freedom, what I thought was freedom at least.
• 12:04
  And then my mom found out. I'm not quite sure how she found
• 12:09
  out still to this day, but she found out.
• 12:12
  From your dad or. I don't think my dad told her to
• 12:15
  be honest. And they're.
• 12:16
  Married at this point, they're they're, yes, they're married
• 12:18
  together. Yes, they're married, but my dad
• 12:20
  has a very weird way of hiding things from my mom to make her
• 12:24
  happy. So I highly doubt he ever told
• 12:28
  her because it would to disrupt their relationship.
• 12:31
  My dad very much so cared about his relationship with my mom and
• 12:34
  keeping peace between that. So she found out somehow and
• 12:38
  they called me and they were like, we're going to meet with
• 12:41
  you. And I was like, Oh no, like I
• 12:43
  can hear the tone in their voice.
• 12:44
  Something's different. And I know that they probably
• 12:47
  know, or she knows at least. So they met with me at my
• 12:49
  apartment and I had decided that at that point to move to
• 12:53
  California. I've already had a home picked
• 12:54
  out. I was like, I'm going to go.
• 12:57
  So I'm like a week out from moving.
• 12:59
  They come to over to my house and she just kind of sits there
• 13:02
  very stoic and very just like kind of ignoring me a bit, not
• 13:07
  speaking. And my dad has to, I know for a
• 13:11
  fact he didn't tell her because he had to act as though he just
• 13:14
  found out. So he was like, kind of grilling
• 13:18
  me in a weird way in front of her when before he had told me
• 13:21
  in private it was OK. So just kind of acting like, oh,
• 13:25
  you know, why are you doing this to us?
• 13:26
  We raised you better than this and, like, putting on this whole
• 13:29
  show. And I'm like looking at him
• 13:31
  like, didn't you just say it was OK, You know, And then my mom
• 13:35
  didn't say much until the very end.
• 13:37
  She just said, you know, I hope your decisions make you happy.
• 13:40
  And then that was the last time I spoke to her for the last, The
• 13:43
  next after that, we didn't speak for like 3 years.
• 13:46
  So it was like really difficult. But my dad continued
• 13:50
  communication with me during that time.
• 13:51
  I was on Only Fans because I was like giving him money per month.
• 13:56
  So he quit his job and I was just sending him cash every
• 13:58
  single month. So I got to ask when you said
• 14:01
  your dad said it was OK. I'm just curious about the
• 14:04
  dynamic here. You were obviously getting into
• 14:06
  this. You're making a bunch of money.
• 14:08
  Was your dad still? You sent it at one point.
• 14:10
  He was a pastor. Was he still a pastor at this
• 14:12
  point? No, not at all.
• 14:13
  No. Was he still?
• 14:14
  Active in his faith or he himself was like struggling with
• 14:17
  his face I'd. Say, looking from right now, he
• 14:20
  was struggling in his faith. Then I thought he was like a
• 14:23
  Christian. Christian, you know, he'd talk
• 14:25
  about the Lord, talk about Bible verses, you know.
• 14:28
  But now looking back, I do see that he had faltered from his
• 14:31
  faith because what Father would be like, Yep, it's mine, Yeah.
• 14:34
  And then ask money for it. So he was he asking you to send
• 14:37
  him monthly money and did he say why?
• 14:40
  So he made-up a bunch of stories.
• 14:42
  It was always different, like, oh, I need to pay for your
• 14:44
  sister's lawyer. I need to pay for diapers for
• 14:46
  your other brother's kids, you know, like, I just don't have
• 14:50
  the money right now or I'm trying to make a purchase.
• 14:52
  You know, it's always a story. He'd call me story, call me
• 14:55
  story. And it'd always end up in him
• 14:56
  being like, can you just send me a little something?
• 14:58
  And I was like, sure, whenever, like I'm making great money, I
• 15:01
  can, you know, you're my dad. I love you, right?
• 15:03
  So my mom and I's relationship completely ceased at that point.
• 15:08
  But at that point, I'd felt like I had lost everything.
• 15:13
  You know, my mom, my relationship with my brothers
• 15:16
  and sisters, we were not close. We never spoke.
• 15:19
  And I didn't have any friends where I lived, none at all.
• 15:22
  So not even work friends. So I just dove right into the
• 15:26
  deep end of porn. And so it was easy for me.
• 15:30
  It was such an easy decision because I was like, I have
• 15:33
  nothing holding me back now. Everybody knows the secret that
• 15:36
  I've been trying to hide. So like, why not make more
• 15:41
  money? I'm already comfortable selling
• 15:42
  like nudes wasn't that different from selling porn.
• 15:46
  You know, your imagination's already going there with nudes,
• 15:48
  so why don't I put that image right there?
• 15:50
  So I started blowing up. I started getting on podcasts,
• 15:54
  saying crazy things, like anything to go viral.
• 15:58
  Like when you are making that kind of money, you want to keep
• 16:01
  that kind of money or just increase it.
• 16:03
  So I went on so many podcasts, posted so many wild things like
• 16:08
  I started off on TikTok doing like kiss or slaps on the
• 16:11
  Internet, like hey, kiss or slap, you know, and those went
• 16:14
  viral just because I was being promiscuous on the Internet and
• 16:18
  not many other people were doing that and only fans was still
• 16:21
  kind of new at that time. So be imagine being like the
• 16:24
  only bright red headed girl on the Internet doing wild sexual
• 16:28
  things. And I never worked with any porn
• 16:31
  places, like browsers, Pornhub, nothing.
• 16:35
  I never signed deals, signed contracts with anybody.
• 16:37
  I just specifically stayed to only fans and was like
• 16:40
  exclusive. Like if you wanted to work with
• 16:42
  me, it would be like really hard to get, you know?
• 16:45
  So I just did my own work. I got into like cosplaying.
• 16:48
  I tried to make it so different from anybody else that was
• 16:51
  selling things on only fans so that you'd want to come to me,
• 16:54
  you know? Were you at this time and you
• 16:57
  were making more and more money because you're kind of pushing
• 16:59
  the envelope more and more and being kind of basically carving
• 17:01
  out a niche in the market And you, like you said, you're
• 17:04
  driven, you are competitive. So you're just like, I'm going
• 17:07
  to just kill this. I'm going to do the best I best
• 17:09
  I can in this. A few questions.
• 17:11
  Number one, at any point, did you have like a gut check of
• 17:16
  maybe this is bad for my soul or hurting other people?
• 17:20
  Was there ever that kind of voice in the back of your head,
• 17:22
  or were you so deep in that that that voice wasn't even there?
• 17:26
  You know, I smoked so much weed every single day to cope,
• 17:30
  because the minute I'd stop or the like, let's say I took a day
• 17:34
  off of smoking, feelings would start like coming to the
• 17:37
  surface. But I hated those feelings about
• 17:40
  negative feelings, yes, About myself, about my life, my
• 17:43
  relationships. Smoke again, you know, it's like
• 17:47
  I needed that silence to work, you know, And if I can't work
• 17:52
  because I'm emotional, like I, I felt like like that was a
• 17:56
  weakness, like being sad or being like feeling any other
• 18:00
  emotion was like a pure weakness to my business.
• 18:04
  And so if I'm the one running my business, even though it was
• 18:07
  only fans, weakness could not be a part of that, you know?
• 18:11
  So emotion cannot be a part of that.
• 18:13
  I need to be ruthless, you know, So, yeah.
• 18:17
  I mean, I think the number is 1,000,000, a million creators on
• 18:22
  only fans now, most of them young women doing pornography
• 18:25
  or, or pornographic adjacent stuff, right?
• 18:27
  Nudes or pornographic adjacent stuff.
• 18:29
  And so I mean this hundreds of thousands of girls, right?
• 18:34
  Yeah. And you, you were that girl,
• 18:36
  right? And I know we're going to get to
• 18:37
  like your incredible transformation, but I am so
• 18:40
  curious if there is, what do you think's driving that?
• 18:44
  And then what are the things that people who love those
• 18:48
  people, right? Maybe they know someone caught
• 18:50
  up in that. What can they do or say?
• 18:53
  Like what would have helped you for someone to do or someone to
• 18:57
  say that you think might have woken you up from the really
• 19:00
  deep slumber you were in, morally speaking and and just
• 19:04
  humanly speaking to, to have you so, you know, deeply embedded in
• 19:08
  that world. Well, we live in a generation
• 19:10
  now, and it's becoming more and more prominent that, you know,
• 19:13
  women are bosses, right? I hear that all the time.
• 19:17
  You know, you don't need a man. You're a boss, you know?
• 19:21
  And it's just, I feel like during that time, I wanted
• 19:26
  independence so bad. So I wanted the money.
• 19:29
  I wanted the popularity. I wanted to feel like that boss,
• 19:35
  you know, that I didn't need a man because men have let me down
• 19:39
  my entire life. I've had horrible relationships,
• 19:42
  including with my dad constantly being used.
• 19:45
  Even though my dad was in my life, he was still using me.
• 19:48
  So I was so tired of being used and I wanted to be wanted, you
• 19:52
  know, finally. And I wanted myself.
• 19:55
  I was like, I'm enough for me. So all of the money and the fame
• 20:00
  and the places I got to travel to, the podcast I went on, the
• 20:03
  people I met, I was like the designer bags I had.
• 20:06
  I was like, I am untouchable and power is so consuming.
• 20:13
  It is pure just. Adrenaline, like you seek it
• 20:19
  like like a Red Bull skydiver. You know you want to jump off
• 20:22
  that plane as many times as you can.
• 20:24
  I would do that even though it's dangerous.
• 20:26
  I would do it and do it again and then do it again and do it
• 20:29
  again. I wanted that so.
• 20:31
  But I remember feeling that so many times of just, I got to go
• 20:36
  harder. I need more, you know, And it
• 20:38
  wasn't. More more fame and money like
• 20:40
  what was the OR was it more the feeling of control like?
• 20:43
  Feeling of controlling. That control is just like
• 20:47
  everything. Like even in my female scenes I
• 20:50
  was like the man. Like, I never was.
• 20:52
  Like, I was like the dominant 1, you know?
• 20:55
  Like I wanted that control over anything and everybody I
• 20:59
  touched. And it felt so good.
• 21:02
  You know, there's been times in my life where I wish I could
• 21:04
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• 22:12
  You know, there's been times in my life where I wish I could
• 22:15
  suck myself out of a situation and having that money and power,
• 22:20
  I could snap my fingers and it would be gone.
• 22:22
  That is how I felt. What's a?
• 22:24
  What's an example of that? Like what did that look like for
• 22:26
  you? And you were kind of at this
• 22:27
  high point of having all of this money getting increasing all of
• 22:30
  this popularity and fame. I think at one point you were
• 22:33
  one of, if not the top creator. On zero 1%.
• 22:36
  Top point. What is it?
• 22:37
  Top .01% so not even 1%. Zero 1% and you're making
• 22:42
  millions of dollars at this point.
• 22:45
  And like you said, traveling the world, like meeting very famous
• 22:47
  people, like like just doing, you know, very famous.
• 22:50
  In addition to making all of this money, you had this
• 22:53
  experience of being able to kind of pull yourself out of a
• 22:55
  problem because of all of your fame and because of all of your
• 22:58
  money. What did that look like?
• 23:00
  So there I traveled a lot and there were so many times I
• 23:03
  traveled where I hated where I was because of the people who
• 23:06
  were there. And so money got me a plane
• 23:09
  ticket immediately, you know, like I, if I, if I wanted to dip
• 23:13
  out of California and go travel to Thailand, I could do it in an
• 23:17
  instant. I could leave that night.
• 23:19
  I never had to be like, oh, I don't know if I can afford this
• 23:21
  or no, it was I want this. I have it now, you know, so it's
• 23:26
  like that. No waiting for anything or
• 23:28
  anybody. Like I didn't want to rely on
• 23:30
  somebody other than my only fans team to make me more money.
• 23:34
  You know, it was like, that is your job.
• 23:36
  That is what I want you to do. And I have control over it, you
• 23:40
  know, because if I stopped making content, I stopped making
• 23:42
  money, you know? So I was like, I loved having
• 23:45
  that control over me being the best at what I was.
• 23:49
  So many people wanted to work with me and I was like, no,
• 23:52
  like, I don't care how big you are.
• 23:54
  I'm very exclusive. And that power felt so good.
• 23:59
  I was just like, wow, like that's what I've always dreamed
• 24:03
  about, not being a caged bird, you know, I traveled for months
• 24:07
  in Europe. I got to do whatever, bought
• 24:09
  whatever, met whoever I wanted, it felt.
• 24:12
  And I was just like feeding off of that.
• 24:15
  The money is great, but the power is something that like
• 24:19
  even with people with money don't always have.
• 24:21
  So that powerful feeling of just being me and being a
• 24:26
  one-of-a-kind me that nobody could duplicate that, you know,
• 24:29
  or, you know, use the same formula and be as successful as
• 24:33
  I was was priceless to me so. So at what point and and all
• 24:38
  this time were you on marijuana? Where you was that?
• 24:40
  About the whole time. The whole time.
• 24:42
  So it's so and then if you stop the the marijuana like the chips
• 24:46
  and the armor started to the chinks and the armor.
• 24:48
  Started to open. There was like this time in New
• 24:51
  York where I had just traveled to New York and I had no weed on
• 24:54
  me and I had just gone on like a big shopping spree.
• 24:57
  I came back to my hotel room, beautiful hotel room.
• 24:59
  I was like looking out the windows at the sunset between
• 25:02
  the the buildings. I just sat on the floor and I
• 25:05
  was like looking out there. I had no weed on me.
• 25:07
  So I'd been like clean for a day and I felt so sad, like crushing
• 25:15
  sad. Like it was like a tiny violin
• 25:18
  was going off in my head. And I was like, wow, I could
• 25:21
  just sob right now, but I didn't know what I was feeling.
• 25:24
  You know, I was just like, man, I need to, I need something
• 25:27
  right now, you know? So I went and drank a little
• 25:29
  bit. But it's like your mind and
• 25:33
  heart are connected. Your heart obviously is the one
• 25:36
  that feels so much, but it's just like once it all hits like
• 25:40
  the decisions you've made, the things you've done and said like
• 25:44
  that you can't take back. It's like a horrible feeling,
• 25:48
  you know, like, and knowing what you're doing isn't, isn't like a
• 25:52
  good thing. You're not helping anybody.
• 25:54
  I'm providing pleasure for a couple seconds and then you're
• 25:58
  done. You know, like that is what I'm
• 26:00
  providing. Nothing long term, nothing
• 26:02
  spiritual, nothing tangible. It's all like stand through your
• 26:08
  fingers. So once that like hits you, it's
• 26:12
  just so depleting and like, I don't know it like I was always
• 26:17
  so scared to be depressed was so scared of it because I knew that
• 26:21
  I couldn't work if I was depressed and I couldn't do the
• 26:24
  work that I wanted to do if I was depressed.
• 26:27
  So smoking constantly being on Adderall a lot because they
• 26:31
  balanced each other out, but was it was a crazy mix of just
• 26:34
  constantly going and going. I work all night streaming all
• 26:39
  the time. Like I wore myself thin because
• 26:42
  if I stopped working, you know, I even I filled my time with
• 26:45
  like bow staffing and martial arts and boxing and gymnastics
• 26:48
  and weightlifting all in one week and work on top of that
• 26:52
  because like 1 down moment felt bad, you know, because the weed
• 26:56
  eventually like you build up a tolerance to it.
• 26:59
  So you have to go onto something stronger.
• 27:01
  But I never wanted to take more drugs than that.
• 27:03
  So I had to keep time like keep myself very busy in moments
• 27:08
  otherwise it just hits you and you're just alone.
• 27:12
  You realize I'm I'm just like in this big house by myself and
• 27:15
  it's just sucks. It sucks so bad.
• 27:18
  So it's not even about having friends because friends in
• 27:21
  California are pretty horrible, pretty horrible in LA
• 27:24
  especially. But I never found that one
• 27:27
  friend that I was just like true friend.
• 27:29
  Yeah. Never in that industry it.
• 27:31
  Was all kind of around you for convenience or?
• 27:34
  Or you do the same thing. We're justifying each other,
• 27:37
  cool, you know, that's all It felt like.
• 27:39
  It was like I never connected to any girl and was like, yes, I
• 27:42
  love that person. We're best friends.
• 27:44
  Never in five years. And that was so strange to me
• 27:47
  because I'm like, I'm a nice person.
• 27:49
  Is there something wrong with me?
• 27:50
  Like, do people not want to hang out with me?
• 27:53
  But it wasn't even about that. It was like, everybody's
• 27:55
  thinking about themselves. So how can you have a best
• 27:57
  friend if all you're thinking about is yourself?
• 27:59
  And I was the same way though, you know?
• 28:00
  So how could I be a genuine friend when all I care about
• 28:03
  truly is myself? So.
• 28:05
  Were you close to your siblings growing up?
• 28:07
  Not at all. Not at all.
• 28:09
  And and why? Why do you think that is?
• 28:10
  I don't know. We're all really different.
• 28:12
  Like we're all pretty in the same age groups, but we're all
• 28:15
  very different. So like I, I always felt like
• 28:18
  the black sheep. Like did you?
• 28:20
  Have a best friend growing up? I had one when I went to
• 28:22
  Christian School but we were pulled out of Christian School
• 28:25
  to go and get homeschooled again so it didn't last.
• 28:29
  Like maybe about a year or two so did.
• 28:31
  You stay in touch. I wish I had, though I do think
• 28:34
  about her sometimes. Yeah.
• 28:35
  So did you ever have, besides that one friend, an experience
• 28:38
  of like, real connection and friendship?
• 28:40
  No. And I cannot think of one time
• 28:42
  because I was homeschooled, then thrown into Christian School for
• 28:45
  a short period of time and then homeschooled again.
• 28:47
  So it's like, who am I interacting with?
• 28:48
  But other than people in the church and you're.
• 28:51
  Like you didn't like have a homeschool group or you got to?
• 28:53
  See their kids every week. It was just us.
• 28:55
  So that was really hard and I saw my mom go through a lot of
• 28:57
  hard things with even with her own, within her own marriage.
• 29:01
  And even now my parents are divorced again and my dad's in
• 29:04
  jail. So I just like my, my family
• 29:07
  life is like, it's always felt like in shambles, you know, So
• 29:11
  going from divorcing like when I was 9, then church splits, which
• 29:16
  feel like a divorce and then a divorce again, you know, and
• 29:19
  that was right after I got off of only fans because I had
• 29:21
  called my dad. I was like, dad, I'm getting off
• 29:23
  of only fans. I met this amazing man and I got
• 29:27
  baptized. I got saved and giving it all
• 29:29
  up. He was like, you should stay on
• 29:32
  for another year or two because, you know, you need the money.
• 29:36
  And it's like really hard to live, you know, without a good
• 29:38
  job. That's what he said to me.
• 29:41
  And I was like, are you kidding me?
• 29:43
  Like, are you kidding me? Like that's your answer.
• 29:46
  Like, no, like I'm proud of you. Like, that's amazing.
• 29:49
  Like what can I do for you? You know, I ended up like
• 29:52
  logging all the money I'd paid to my dad.
• 29:54
  It was like over $200,000 in like a year or two.
• 29:58
  And I was like, wow, like I, I just felt so betrayed again.
• 30:02
  And I was like, like, I just want my family to work and it
• 30:06
  doesn't so and I was like so upset at my mom for a while for
• 30:10
  like remarrying my dad. And I don't understand why she
• 30:14
  did it. I honestly, I really don't.
• 30:16
  But like, I get that. Like that could be love.
• 30:20
  And you know, you wanted to work through things with somebody
• 30:22
  under the eyes of God, but I still didn't understand it, you
• 30:25
  know, and it made me really mad that she did that because I'm
• 30:27
  like, he hurt you so bad. Like, why would you do that?
• 30:31
  You know, he left our family and now you just let him back in.
• 30:34
  So, but then my dad was like the only one I ever like really
• 30:36
  talked to. So I don't know.
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• 31:42
  today. The molestation that you shared
• 31:45
  earlier, and I'm so sorry that that happened to you when you
• 31:48
  were a young teen, you shared after that you started kind of
• 31:52
  kind of lashing out the promiscuous behavior.
• 31:54
  Obviously, I ended up with only fans and I know we're still not
• 31:57
  to the transformation moment at which I'm excited to get to, but
• 32:00
  I am curious if you're willing to share I you know, even on
• 32:04
  this podcast, talking to people, even having Brittany on who's
• 32:06
  amazing, talking to other folks. Often, not always often not
• 32:11
  always. Sexual abuse of some kind is
• 32:13
  part of the history of a lot of people, especially people who
• 32:17
  end up getting involved in porn or.
• 32:20
  It's very true. The statistics for that are so
• 32:23
  high. And I had a counselor explained
• 32:25
  that to me because my parents like threw me into counseling at
• 32:28
  like 18 I believe. And she had she kind of started
• 32:33
  going through my past with me and was like trying to figure
• 32:35
  out like why this promiscuous behavior had started.
• 32:37
  So I told her about the molestation and my parents found
• 32:42
  out about it when I was like 16. I didn't told them at all.
• 32:45
  Was it, if you don't mind me asking, was it someone regarding
• 32:47
  related to church school? What was the kind of connection
• 32:49
  kind? Of both my parents like adopted
• 32:51
  him for a while and then he like left our house one day.
• 32:55
  Like my parents were literally getting ready to sign paperwork
• 32:57
  to adopt him. He was 16, I was 13 at the time.
• 33:00
  So he was living in our home constantly, instantly.
• 33:03
  And so it was a really difficult thing.
• 33:07
  But she had explained to me that, you know, the way I was
• 33:10
  introduced into sex was so dark and perverted.
• 33:14
  Like, it's hard to come back from that and then do it the
• 33:18
  pure way, you know, because your introduction to it.
• 33:22
  And at 13, like, I was so terrified because I had no idea
• 33:26
  what was actually happening. But I knew, like, alarms were
• 33:29
  going off in my head and my body.
• 33:31
  And I was like, there's something wrong about this.
• 33:34
  Like, I don't know what it is, but there's something wrong.
• 33:37
  You know, who at 13 knows? You know, Like, for me, because
• 33:41
  I was so sheltered too. So it's not like I'm in public
• 33:43
  school and I understand what sex is.
• 33:45
  Or, you know, like a lot of kids.
• 33:46
  Your Mama. Never like discussed it with you
• 33:48
  or anything. My parents were weirdly closed
• 33:51
  books, you know, like when I got my period, even my mom was very
• 33:55
  weird about that, you know, and like didn't really talk to me
• 33:57
  about it. So again, I feel so like
• 34:00
  isolated in a terrible situation.
• 34:03
  And I felt like my parents weren't there for me, you know,
• 34:06
  so I went out and did what I wanted to do because I needed
• 34:09
  some kind of control over it. And that's what she said to me,
• 34:12
  my therapist. And she was like, you need you
• 34:14
  feel as though you need control back from from what was taken
• 34:16
  from you. And I was like, I couldn't agree
• 34:18
  more. You know, I feel like a caged
• 34:20
  bird and I feel like I have nothing.
• 34:23
  You know, everything was taken from me.
• 34:25
  You know, even like with my dad leaving.
• 34:27
  And I feel like a lot of people now want to be like, oh, poor
• 34:29
  you. But you made those decisions to
• 34:31
  get on only fans and hurt a bunch of people.
• 34:33
  I'm like, all right, but what about what happened to me?
• 34:36
  Like, does that not play a part in this?
• 34:38
  You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know if if you
• 34:41
  haven't been through that kind of abuse, you have no idea what
• 34:45
  it actually does to you. You have no idea.
• 34:47
  And, like, where your mind goes or what you think sex is, you
• 34:51
  know, when it's not that. So I've never had, like, a
• 34:54
  sexual relationship that was normal.
• 34:57
  It's all been so weirdly perverted because of the
• 34:59
  partners I picked, you know, and they just weren't right in the
• 35:03
  head. So yeah.
• 35:06
  It's like that old adage, right? Hurting people hurt people.
• 35:08
  It's like from the beginning of time, like our hurt can be
• 35:12
  weaponized against other people. And it takes like God's grace,
• 35:16
  which we all need because we're all wounded.
• 35:20
  OK, So zooming back forward, and thank you for for sharing that.
• 35:23
  Zooming back forward to when you were, you know, kind of at the
• 35:26
  top of your game, so to speak, making all of this money,
• 35:28
  feeling all of this power, at what point did you feel like, I
• 35:34
  don't want to keep doing this? Where was the?
• 35:37
  Where was the moment of change for you?
• 35:39
  You know, I thought like in my Only Fans career, at some point
• 35:42
  I'm like, eventually this is going to end.
• 35:44
  I don't know when, but I knew it was going to end so.
• 35:48
  Why did you think that? Well, because you can't do only
• 35:50
  fans forever, just like you can't live in the adult film
• 35:53
  industry forever. At some point, you get older.
• 35:55
  At some point you're kind of undesirable to that world.
• 35:58
  So I knew it was going to end at some point, didn't know when,
• 36:01
  maybe in my 30s. Like I knew I wasn't going to be
• 36:03
  doing it in my 40s. But like, pretty much I was
• 36:05
  like, I'm in it for the long haul.
• 36:07
  I'll do this as long as I can, you know, and then walk away
• 36:09
  from it. But it started when I met my
• 36:13
  husband now because he we met on TikTok.
• 36:16
  Like I saw him like live battling one night and what?
• 36:19
  It's live battling. So it's like on TikTok when you
• 36:22
  have like a split screen with two creators on it and they're
• 36:24
  battling 4 points on the board. So I saw him one night he was
• 36:28
  all in his like battle gear is like level 4 plated vest, his
• 36:32
  bulletproof helmet. I was like, what is this guy
• 36:34
  doing right now? Like why is he in this gear on a
• 36:36
  TikTok live? So I just kind of popped into
• 36:39
  his live. I heard him talking and he he
• 36:42
  talked about the Lord a lot like that's all he mainly talks about
• 36:45
  on TikTok live. So now I have enough knowledge
• 36:48
  about the Lord, you know, so I was like very intrigued, you
• 36:50
  know, I'm not like converting that minute, but I'm like, I'm
• 36:53
  intrigued. So because I don't really find
• 36:56
  creators online that talk about the Lord, especially on my for
• 36:58
  you page. My for you page is all like only
• 37:01
  fan stuff. So it was really interesting for
• 37:03
  me to come across him. And so I started gifting him a
• 37:07
  little bit to win the battle, right?
• 37:08
  And I want we won the battle. I swiped out.
• 37:10
  I was like, all right, cool. That was fun.
• 37:11
  Nice little adrenaline rush. And so I saw him again the next
• 37:16
  night I was live. And so we won the battle again.
• 37:18
  He messaged me on TikTok after the battle and he was like, hey,
• 37:21
  would you ever want to get on a phone like call together gave me
• 37:24
  his number. I was like, no, he's such a
• 37:28
  private person. I was like, absolutely not.
• 37:31
  So eventually, like a week later, I ended up giving him my
• 37:34
  number, just a text, you know? And I was like, sure, whatever.
• 37:37
  You seem like a cool enough guy. You know, I've seen you all live
• 37:39
  quite a few times. You seem harmless.
• 37:41
  So he calls me one night or I'm Bo staffing, right?
• 37:43
  I'm like outside sweating, doing martial arts.
• 37:46
  And then he calls me and I'm like, why is this guy calling
• 37:48
  me? Man?
• 37:49
  I just thought he was joking about that.
• 37:51
  And so we get on the phone. I'm not even kidding you.
• 37:54
  Like the first couple minutes we started speaking was just like
• 38:01
  like a breath of fresh air. I was like, wow, who is this
• 38:06
  guy? You know, like, and it wasn't
• 38:08
  anything like attractive. Like I thought he was cute of
• 38:12
  course, but other than that I was like, I don't really care.
• 38:15
  I don't, I have a hard time gaining feelings for people
• 38:17
  because of how hurt I am. And at that point I've been
• 38:20
  single for almost 2 years, very happily single.
• 38:23
  So we started just Facetiming and our conversation went for
• 38:27
  like 7 hours into the night. We were just talking.
• 38:31
  We, we asked each other the most random questions about our
• 38:34
  pasts. And like I felt so OK opening up
• 38:37
  to a stranger about my past and about my hurts.
• 38:40
  And he did the same for me. And I was like, wow.
• 38:44
  Like I just, I feel like I just talked to like my best friend in
• 38:47
  the whole world. Like that's crazy.
• 38:50
  And so we kept talking and we kept Facetiming and Facetiming
• 38:54
  and Facetiming. And he lived in Virginia at the
• 38:56
  time and I was in California. So like we're not meeting
• 38:59
  anytime soon. So we just kept talking.
• 39:02
  He all like, he talked about God, like he was the best thing
• 39:07
  in the world. Like it was everything he had,
• 39:11
  you know, and it, it was like it pulled something in me.
• 39:14
  I'm like, well, I want that. Like, like, why are you talking
• 39:18
  about God this way? I've never heard God being
• 39:19
  spoken about like this, You know, in church, you know,
• 39:22
  you're preached at and there's a Christian people all around you.
• 39:26
  But the depths of his love for the Lord are wild, like beyond
• 39:31
  anything I've seen in such a young person.
• 39:34
  And he enthralled me by like talking about the Lord.
• 39:38
  What like the Lord had done in his life, how God had moved in
• 39:42
  his life and his circumstances coming out of the military.
• 39:45
  You know, Jordan was engaged before me and she had cheated on
• 39:49
  him. And that's when he met the Lord
• 39:51
  was right after that really bad breakup and it it just like
• 39:55
  pulled me. I was like wow so tell me more
• 39:57
  and asked him more and more questions about God and then.
• 40:01
  Maybe like a month goes by and he tells me like, he's praying
• 40:04
  for me. And I'm like, why?
• 40:07
  Like, why are you praying for me?
• 40:09
  You know? And he had opened up to me and
• 40:11
  telling me like, you know, I know that God told me like, this
• 40:14
  isn't what you're supposed to be doing with your life.
• 40:17
  And that was such a bold statement coming from him.
• 40:19
  I was like, what, like God told you that I'm not supposed to be
• 40:23
  doing this. I was so offended.
• 40:25
  Like my my demons were raging inside because I was like,
• 40:29
  that's just not true. I'm happy.
• 40:31
  Don't you see that I'm happy? Like I have everything I want
• 40:33
  and you don't, you know, but obviously I didn't have the Lord
• 40:37
  in my life. And so Jordan just kept talking
• 40:41
  to me and just like dropping these little seats, you know,
• 40:43
  I'm praying for you. Here's a Bible verse sent me
• 40:46
  like a video of him talking to me about like the Lord and what
• 40:50
  he had done in his life. I just wake up to these like
• 40:52
  texts from him that was just like, I'm so confused.
• 40:57
  Like everything inside of my ideology was just switching and
• 41:02
  I was like, wow. Like he'd Facetimed me one time
• 41:06
  and went to church with me on FaceTime and I was just like,
• 41:09
  the phone was propped up me listening to the sermon and I
• 41:12
  was like, oh, OK, I guess we're doing this.
• 41:14
  So it was like he was so bold in his approach with the Lord with
• 41:18
  me and not scared of what I would say.
• 41:21
  And I love that boldness. Like I'm such a bold person, but
• 41:25
  that boldness of like not even caring if he would potentially
• 41:28
  lose me to show the Lord's love in my life, you know, through
• 41:32
  him was crazy to me. Like everything he did was so
• 41:36
  out of love. It was beautiful.
• 41:39
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• 42:25
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• 42:30
  40% off. So you guys met on TikTok?
• 42:34
  So he knew you were involved with only fans in that whole
• 42:37
  world. I mean he.
• 42:38
  Didn't know on the Internet, I told him.
• 42:41
  So when he saw you on TikTok, he just saw like a girl who was
• 42:45
  dressing maybe provocatively, but a lot of girls do that on
• 42:47
  TikTok. So he just thought she's a cute
• 42:49
  girl, she's someone I want to talk to.
• 42:51
  I had this great. He didn't connect the dots about
• 42:53
  the only fan stuff. No, not just by seeing me
• 42:55
  online, but I had opened up up with the Only Fans thing like a
• 42:58
  week into talking because I was like, you know, if you're going
• 43:00
  to be in my life, you need to know this about me.
• 43:02
  I wasn't scared to tell anybody about that because I didn't want
• 43:05
  to go very far with somebody and then lose them because they
• 43:08
  found out. What did he say when he first
• 43:09
  heard you? He didn't really understand only
• 43:11
  fans that much. Just so when I told him he's
• 43:14
  like, OK, I was like, do you know what that is?
• 43:17
  And he was like, I think so. And like, we kind of dropped
• 43:20
  talking about it for a minute because I, he was just totally
• 43:23
  OK with it. But then I pushed, I was like,
• 43:26
  you don't understand, Like, this is what I do.
• 43:30
  Like, this is what I do. I sell this.
• 43:32
  I sell this, I sell this, like, for money.
• 43:35
  And he was like, OK, had a couple questions about it, you
• 43:38
  know, And then over time, you know, he'd ask questions and it
• 43:42
  was just a very open thing. I was like you need to know
• 43:45
  everything. So looking back on it, it sounds
• 43:47
  like from the beginning he obviously thought you were
• 43:49
  beautiful. He's starting to fall for you.
• 43:51
  But he's this Christian man, right?
• 43:54
  And so he's probably thinking, OK, I really like this girl,
• 43:58
  but. I can't pursue.
• 44:00
  I can't pursue. How does this work?
• 44:01
  So I don't know. I don't have him on the show
• 44:03
  right now. So if you're willing to speak
• 44:05
  for him, just I'm curious what was going through his mind
• 44:08
  because you know, it obviously is going to end in a very happy
• 44:12
  ending, but he didn't know that you were going to leave that
• 44:15
  world. And he was probably, I don't
• 44:17
  know what he was experiencing, but I'm going to guess like it's
• 44:19
  a pretty heavy thing to be interested in a girl who's
• 44:22
  involved in something that goes 100% against his faith in
• 44:24
  morals. He can't touch it with a 10 foot
• 44:26
  bullet against his faith, against the truth And, and, and
• 44:30
  you know, of, of who he knows God to be and what God's calling
• 44:32
  him to and, and the moral law. So he's like, not sure probably
• 44:36
  how to navigate that. I mean, did you guys, I mean,
• 44:38
  I'm sure. You've we've talked about this a
• 44:39
  lot and it's a beautiful thing. So his mom is wonderful.
• 44:43
  She's such an amazing mother-in-law to me.
• 44:46
  So he brought brings this to his mom and he starts praying openly
• 44:51
  with his mom over this situation.
• 44:54
  So what did he tell his mom? So he told his mom about me.
• 44:58
  He's like, I kind of, I'm having feelings for this girl, but
• 45:01
  she's on Only Fans. I can't do that, you know, I
• 45:03
  won't do that. So they start praying.
• 45:06
  But he said specifically that he had heard God say to help me, to
• 45:11
  help me get off, you know, like that's how he felt so-called.
• 45:15
  But he can't just do it for me. He needs to pray.
• 45:18
  So he went to his mom, his mom and him prayed and prayed and
• 45:22
  prayed, you know, And then after a short period of time, I got to
• 45:25
  meet his mom on FaceTime. Lovely woman.
• 45:28
  You know, I was a little intimidated, you know, because
• 45:30
  I'm like, oh, your mom is like the prayer warrior of your
• 45:32
  family. OK, so.
• 45:36
  So we kept speaking, but nothing happened.
• 45:39
  You know, it was like he did mention one or two times, like,
• 45:44
  you know, I can't date someone who's, you know, on only fans.
• 45:46
  And I was like, OK, no worries. Like, that's fine, you know, But
• 45:49
  I didn't have any intention of changing at that point.
• 45:52
  I was like, oh, this is early on.
• 45:53
  Like, I'm not talking about having a relationship with you.
• 45:55
  I just want to be friends with you.
• 45:57
  And he felt the same way for a while.
• 45:58
  Obviously we think each other is like, attractive, but is that
• 46:01
  enough? You know?
• 46:02
  So they kept praying. And in December, right after my
• 46:06
  birthday, so it's crazy, something happened where I got
• 46:09
  sick, like really sick sick. And for a week I didn't smoke
• 46:14
  any weed. I couldn't like my body like
• 46:16
  rejected it. I would, I would feel nauseous
• 46:19
  and just like I was so tired and like I was.
• 46:22
  So it was like the flu basically.
• 46:24
  And so right after that, I stopped smoking weed completely.
• 46:31
  I just like I was like, oh, I made it a week without smoking
• 46:34
  weed. Like maybe I'll just continue
• 46:35
  this, right? And so I did and I stopped
• 46:38
  smoking weed completely. Didn't even have the urge to
• 46:40
  smoke weed right after that. Like after I'm like sober
• 46:43
  minded, like Jordan says that he wants to meet with me like in
• 46:50
  person and I'm like, OK, sounds good.
• 46:52
  You know, we hadn't made any plans yet, but we met in
• 46:55
  Nashville, TN for the first time and then right after that, like
• 47:00
  we stayed in completely separate hotels and everything.
• 47:02
  Nothing crossed the line, but we wanted to get to know each other
• 47:05
  better in person. And so I go back to California
• 47:10
  about a week later, like I'm on the FaceTime with Jordan and he
• 47:15
  was talking to me about the Lord and stuff.
• 47:17
  And it's like 1:00 AM at this point.
• 47:20
  And so I get off the phone with him because he goes to sleep and
• 47:24
  then I come downstairs and it's like I can't sleep.
• 47:27
  Like my mind is like wrestling with itself.
• 47:30
  Like it's like everything Jordan was saying was like running in
• 47:33
  reels in my head about the Lord. And I'm just like torn inside
• 47:38
  What was. He saying about the Lord.
• 47:40
  So he was telling me like that was when Jordan had the boldness
• 47:42
  in Nashville to tell me, like, you know, this isn't what God
• 47:45
  has for you, like face to face, like saying that to me.
• 47:49
  And I was so like offended because I was like, you know,
• 47:52
  where has God been my whole life at this point?
• 47:55
  So much has happened in my life. I don't have my family, I have
• 47:58
  no friends. Like where is God exactly?
• 48:02
  You know, your God is showing up for you all the time, but my God
• 48:05
  is not. So, you know, but that was
• 48:09
  constantly running through my mind.
• 48:11
  And then he was just like, you're so much more worth it
• 48:13
  than this. It's just like little things,
• 48:16
  like who would just like dip into conversations with me and
• 48:19
  says that like, you know, I'm really sorry your parents, you
• 48:21
  know, treated you this way. But God loves you so much and
• 48:25
  would quote Scripture verses and stuff about how fearfully and
• 48:28
  wonderfully made I was, you know, and how God knitted me in
• 48:31
  my mother's womb. And it just like spun in my
• 48:34
  head. So I go downstairs and I've told
• 48:37
  this story quite a few times on another podcast, but it like I
• 48:41
  was breaking down in tears. Like I just felt like I hit the
• 48:46
  rock bottom in my emotions. Like finally it all came up to
• 48:51
  the surface at once and there was no numbness involved.
• 48:54
  There was no drugs, there was no alcohol.
• 48:56
  I didn't want to numb it this time, you know, I was like, I
• 48:59
  want to face this. I want to understand this
• 49:02
  better. And if God has anything to do
• 49:05
  with it, I want to know, you know, so I just broke down and I
• 49:09
  was openly talking and I knew I was talking to God.
• 49:12
  I was like, I know you're real. Like I do understand that, but
• 49:16
  like, I don't understand. I don't know what I don't
• 49:19
  understand, but you need to help me right now in this moment.
• 49:22
  And I was like, God, like, what is it?
• 49:25
  What? Please talk to me, you know, And
• 49:29
  he just openly said to me and it was so clear that it was like no
• 49:33
  mistake that he was just was like, I was all you ever needed.
• 49:37
  And in that, in that moment of just pure emotion, I thought
• 49:43
  like it was like my the last five years of my life had ran
• 49:46
  through my head like a quick movie.
• 49:48
  And it was like the bags, the trips, the money, the power,
• 49:51
  like all of that was nothing because he had everything that I
• 49:55
  actually needed. That was just what I wanted
• 49:58
  because that's what I thought I needed, you know?
• 50:00
  So everything was like put down on a tiny level compared to God.
• 50:07
  And I was like, wow, I just kept breaking down.
• 50:09
  And I didn't get saved that night because I didn't accept
• 50:12
  the Lord into my heart. But it was the next morning
• 50:16
  where I called Jordan Jordans in Virginia at that point.
• 50:19
  And I was like I had a radical moment with the Lord radical.
• 50:24
  I know he spoke to me. I was in tears the next day
• 50:27
  didn't work all day. I was just like, I need to
• 50:29
  figure this out right now. I knew I needed to get saved
• 50:32
  because like my heart was pulsating just like it was crazy
• 50:37
  feeling of just feeling like this heat.
• 50:40
  I was like, wow, like I need God so bad right now.
• 50:44
  And so Jordan flew out as fast as he could.
• 50:47
  We went to church that next Sunday.
• 50:49
  And so I, I ran up into the church, I've never been to this
• 50:54
  church before. And so I run up into this church
• 50:58
  and they were doing baptisms right in the church.
• 51:00
  And I was like, no way. Like I know this is God.
• 51:02
  I know he's putting this here right now for me.
• 51:05
  So I go up to the guy in the pool and he's coming out of the
• 51:09
  pool and like, their baptisms are done because we showed up a
• 51:11
  little bit late and I was like, I need to get baptized.
• 51:14
  You don't understand. And I'm in tears like crazy.
• 51:19
  I mean because baptism is like the essential first step for a
• 51:23
  Christian right to be baptized is to and in the name of the
• 51:27
  Father, Son, the Holy Spirit with water.
• 51:28
  It's like this is this is wiping us clean of our sins, inviting
• 51:33
  us into the family of God and adopt A child of God like this
• 51:35
  is salvation, right? So how did you but how did you
• 51:38
  know that? Had Jordan explained that to you
• 51:39
  or his? Mom did OK.
• 51:41
  Yeah. So I had gotten on a call with
• 51:42
  his mom in like a bunch of just, you know, emotion.
• 51:45
  And this was the first time I spoke to her, just me and her.
• 51:48
  And she was like, you need to get saved.
• 51:50
  Like that moment you had with the Lord, Like he is talking to
• 51:54
  you like he wants you, you know, And it just it broke every
• 51:59
  barrier down. And so I knew I needed to get
• 52:02
  saved and baptized. So what happened was I finally
• 52:05
  get into the pool and the guy I like get saved right there
• 52:10
  before I get dunked. And so the guy introduces me to
• 52:14
  the Lord and I was like, wow, yes, I accept the Lord.
• 52:17
  I profess him with my mouth and my heart like Jesus is my
• 52:19
  savior. You know, he can take me and
• 52:22
  then dunked me. I get out in a man like that
• 52:26
  moment of just truth, like being covered in lies for so long and
• 52:32
  then just experience actual truth was like undescribed,
• 52:39
  indescribable, indescribable. So after that moment of just,
• 52:45
  I'm now Jesus's, I'm God's girl, saved by his book, saved by the
• 52:49
  blood of Christ. Like this is this is my future
• 52:52
  and I'm going to leave my past behind.
• 52:55
  What did it look like next? I mean, were you still have a
• 52:57
  profile up on Only Fan said You probably had just been doing it
• 53:00
  a few days prior. I don't know.
• 53:01
  I don't know if that's the case, but it this is a radical 180.
• 53:06
  So I had stopped making content a couple months prior because my
• 53:10
  team Jordan or yeah, when I met Jordan, I honestly, my team can
• 53:15
  just recycle things and I made so much content at that point.
• 53:18
  Everything was just being recycled.
• 53:19
  Taking a break, taking a break and was part of that, maybe not
• 53:23
  consciously, but subconsciously because you're talking to Jordan
• 53:26
  and you just, it didn't feel, it felt weird to be making content.
• 53:29
  When you did, it did. And I was like, I felt something
• 53:31
  so special with him that I didn't want to lose.
• 53:34
  And what I did was dirty, you know?
• 53:36
  And I like, I know I was already in it, but it was like I didn't
• 53:39
  want to continue making stuff. It did feel dirty.
• 53:42
  There was a dirty feeling you had, but you kind of numbed that
• 53:45
  to continue to do it because of the power and all this stuff.
• 53:47
  But then Jordan is this sort of like pure heart, yes, that you
• 53:51
  come across. And so you just didn't want to,
• 53:53
  like mix that with you and you just, you're just kind of taking
• 53:56
  it one day at a time. Yeah.
• 53:57
  Just take it. And I was like, you know, I'd
• 53:58
  made so much content, they can just recycle my stuff.
• 54:01
  You know, I'd made years of content.
• 54:02
  Like it's not a hard thing to do.
• 54:04
  But I love that break of just not doing it and then speaking
• 54:09
  to somebody new who was just opening my eyes up to a lot of
• 54:12
  new things. So but my only fans was still
• 54:14
  open when I got baptized. So it was open for a while and
• 54:18
  then I spoke again to Jordan's mom and I was like, I'm really
• 54:22
  struggling right now. I'm scared, like I'm so scared
• 54:25
  to close this chapter of my life.
• 54:27
  Like I don't know what it looks like to close this.
• 54:29
  Like, what am I going to do for finances?
• 54:31
  What am I going to, you know what, like what's my purpose
• 54:34
  now? You know, as I, I never assumed
• 54:37
  that I would stop this early in the game.
• 54:39
  So she had walked me through a couple of things just like, you
• 54:44
  know, well, maybe you could just go TikTok live for a little bit.
• 54:46
  I had a big platform on TikTok, you know, to make some income
• 54:49
  during that time. But she was like, you can do
• 54:53
  this, like you can do all things through Christ, which
• 54:55
  strengthens you. But she prayed over me and she
• 54:58
  was like, you got this, like make this decision. close that
• 55:03
  door because you cannot serve the Lord with this door of
• 55:07
  darkness open up behind you. It will suck you back in.
• 55:11
  She's like, you need to make this decision and you need to
• 55:13
  just have God's grace cover you right now.
• 55:16
  So she kept continue to pray for me.
• 55:17
  Jordan was praying over me and I decided that like one day we
• 55:21
  were in Virginia first visiting their parents or his parents.
• 55:24
  And I was like, OK, I'm closing the doors like I'm ready to do
• 55:29
  this. I'm ready to delete the entire
• 55:31
  account. So it got deleted.
• 55:35
  It was just delete it. So unfortunately only fans, I
• 55:39
  didn't know you couldn't just push the button and it would get
• 55:41
  deleted since there were so many subscribers on the account.
• 55:44
  Only fans won't close the account unless every single
• 55:47
  subscriber is off. So their subscription, like it
• 55:51
  has to go through their entire subscription whether they bought
• 55:54
  3 months, a month, six months or a year because I had multiple
• 55:57
  packages open on the only fans. So I have to wait completely
• 56:00
  until every subscribers. When will that be?
• 56:03
  It's what is it only Fence sent me an e-mail like months and
• 56:09
  months ago, like the beginning of last year saying that maybe
• 56:13
  in 2026 because I had multiple subscribers that bought a year
• 56:17
  the. Content.
• 56:17
  Everything was down immediately. Deleted.
• 56:20
  Every it's wiped clean. So if there's a paying
• 56:22
  subscriber, right now there's nothing.
• 56:23
  You can't even subscribe to the page anymore, so it's like down,
• 56:27
  down. I can't even get into it
• 56:28
  anymore. So it's just like waiting for
• 56:31
  that to completely close it. So that made me happy.
• 56:34
  But I took everything down in like matter of like 2 days,
• 56:37
  everything was off. Deleted every sexual content off
• 56:40
  my Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. I deleted my entire Twitter
• 56:43
  because the whole thing was just inundated with stuff.
• 56:45
  And I was like, I can't even keep this open.
• 56:47
  So I deleted everything. I was like ready.
• 56:51
  I was like clean slate. I can't do it.
• 56:53
  I can't close my Instagram or I can't close my only fans and
• 56:55
  have Instagram sexualized, you know, So it has to be everything
• 56:59
  needs to be done. I went through my clothes necks
• 57:01
  like having like modesty, you know, I felt so convicted about
• 57:05
  the way I'd walk out the house and like booty shorts.
• 57:07
  I was like, I can't do this anymore, you know.
• 57:10
  And at that time, Jordan and I were still not dating even we
• 57:13
  were not even boyfriend and girlfriend and there was no
• 57:15
  promise of that. But I was like, I'm ready to
• 57:17
  make this step with God. And I feel like a lot of people
• 57:20
  on the Internet want to be like, oh, you know, like she only did
• 57:23
  it for her man. You know, like, Jordan was an
• 57:25
  amazing influence as a man of God should be an influence and
• 57:29
  planted those seeds. But I still had to be the one to
• 57:31
  make the decisions. And I had no promise of ever
• 57:34
  getting with him. We were still just friends.
• 57:37
  So I made all those decisions. And then after that, after a
• 57:41
  little while of him watching me, was like, do you want to be my
• 57:44
  girlfriend? And I was like, wow, that is so
• 57:48
  amazing. It was such a beautiful thing to
• 57:50
  experience with him. So was it.
• 57:52
  Hard to do that. You said like your you know,
• 57:54
  future mother-in-law was praying for you and coaching you about
• 57:58
  you need to leave this. You have to delete it.
• 58:00
  You this will suck you back on. This is not of the Lord.
• 58:03
  So you were having those conversations when you started
• 58:05
  the deletion process. How did that feel?
• 58:09
  Amazing. Like the best thing I've ever
• 58:11
  experienced in my life other than getting married, you know,
• 58:14
  like. Delete your Only fans account.
• 58:16
  To delete, it felt like that power that I like having, but a
• 58:20
  different kind of power. It was like the power over the
• 58:23
  enemy, you know? And like my old self was being
• 58:27
  destroyed completely. Not deleted, but destroyed like
• 58:31
  from the top down. And it was like the person I
• 58:35
  never wanted to be really was being like thrown out.
• 58:39
  And I was like so happy about that change, you know, like God
• 58:45
  really does empower and strengthen his people, like the
• 58:48
  people that really love him, man, He takes such good care of
• 58:51
  you. Like there were times where I
• 58:53
  was like really worrying about like where my next paycheck is
• 58:56
  going to come from, but God provided like it's like he'll
• 58:59
  here's a check in the mail. I'm like, wow, what is that
• 59:02
  from? You know, like that was so
• 59:04
  great. Like he just provides.
• 59:06
  And I love that kind of faith. You know, before it was all in
• 59:09
  my hands, and now it's all in God's hands, you know, and He
• 59:12
  wants the glory for that. So he will allow things to get
• 59:16
  bad sometimes so his glory can show through.
• 59:20
  And then it's such a beautiful thing to not like to not make
• 59:24
  everything about me anymore. Nothing is about me anymore.
• 59:28
  And it's awesome. It's so wonderful.
• 59:30
  You know, I might have millions of followers, but it's like, I
• 59:33
  don't even feel like I'm there. I feel like it's like this is
• 59:36
  God's platform. And that's one thing I did do
• 59:40
  after I deleted my only fans. I was like, all right, God, my
• 59:43
  platforms are yours now. Have it.
• 59:45
  Take it like, whatever you want me to do with them, they're
• 59:47
  yours now. If you want me to get off, I'll
• 59:49
  get off. But I never felt that from the
• 59:51
  Lord to get off. Instead, I felt bold to talk
• 59:55
  about him, no matter if I lost every one of them.
• 59:58
  Did you get backlash from your subscribers from?
• 1:00:03
  Your followers. When all of a sudden Nala's
• 1:00:05
  getting baptized, all the explicit photos are
• 1:00:07
  disappearing. What's crazy is I got I still to
• 1:00:11
  this day get so much backlash as well as my husband but I don't
• 1:00:16
  understand why did people not backlash me when I was actually
• 1:00:19
  doing only fans but now I get backlash for being a Christian,
• 1:00:24
  you know stopping that life. So you're saying, you're saying
• 1:00:27
  society at large, like if we're just talking like generally
• 1:00:29
  speaking, the response is like, yay, Nala when she's being a
• 1:00:33
  pornographic, you know, doing all this pornographic stuff, but
• 1:00:36
  it's like, shame on Nala. Shame on Nala.
• 1:00:38
  Must be deceptive or. Who do you think you are?
• 1:00:41
  You can change after what you've done, you know?
• 1:00:43
  But yeah, I'm like, that's funny.
• 1:00:45
  You were just cheering me on in this.
• 1:00:47
  And yet I hear so much on the Internet of like, oh, you know,
• 1:00:50
  these hoes need to change, change, you know, their ways.
• 1:00:52
  And like, I'm like, so I'm kind of one of those people that did
• 1:00:56
  change through Christ, but yet I'm now not accepted as that
• 1:01:01
  because I have a past that you disagree with.
• 1:01:04
  I'm like, do you know the amount of people who actually watch
• 1:01:08
  porn in the church? Very dark, like 70% of men very
• 1:01:11
  dark. I'm like, I don't understand
• 1:01:15
  that at all. So, so much.
• 1:01:17
  But even if. It's let's say, and you're
• 1:01:19
  saying you're getting backlash from people who profess faith
• 1:01:22
  so. More than unbelievers.
• 1:01:24
  More than unbelievers at this time, absolutely.
• 1:01:26
  Which is it's so like antithetical to Christianity,
• 1:01:30
  right? Because Jesus message literally
• 1:01:33
  he made a point to go out of his way to prostitutes and he loved
• 1:01:37
  them and he invited them into his family and they were some of
• 1:01:41
  his first followers. You know, the story of Mary
• 1:01:45
  Magdalene. Now I know there's some
• 1:01:46
  controversy of like, was Mary Magdalene actually a, you know,
• 1:01:48
  a woman of the night or whatever?
• 1:01:50
  Hear that a lot. What do you think?
• 1:01:51
  I think that she was, regardless of whether she historically was,
• 1:01:55
  there were absolutely women in Scripture who were involved in.
• 1:02:00
  The woman so. Promiscuity and not following
• 1:02:03
  God's law about sex and that Jesus spoke to them directly.
• 1:02:07
  Or the woman caught in adultery. The woman caught in adultery and
• 1:02:11
  he literally says he without who is without sin cast the first
• 1:02:14
  stone. So I do think that there's time
• 1:02:17
  as old as tale as old as time. Actually just did another
• 1:02:21
  podcast episode on this, but Adam and Eve in the garden.
• 1:02:24
  Eve commits the first sin of of basically power.
• 1:02:27
  She wants power like you were describing, like she wants the
• 1:02:30
  knowledge of good and do the thing God told her not to do and
• 1:02:33
  she's rebelling. She hands it to Adam.
• 1:02:35
  You know, he rebels as well, and then he blames her.
• 1:02:39
  Yep. Right.
• 1:02:39
  When God's like, who gave you this?
• 1:02:40
  You know, how did this happen, Adam?
• 1:02:41
  And he said this woman that you gave me.
• 1:02:43
  So that's always been the dynamic.
• 1:02:45
  That's men and women sinning. And then there's the blame game.
• 1:02:49
  Always. So anyways, I digress, but it's
• 1:02:52
  just it's interesting to watch it unfold today, just like it
• 1:02:55
  happened during the time of Christ where they're stoning the
• 1:02:58
  adulteress and Jesus is like what's and then he tells her go
• 1:03:01
  and sin no more. And she, like so many people of
• 1:03:04
  all different backgrounds, like that's the beauty of our Lord
• 1:03:07
  Jesus Christ is that we're all we confess our sins.
• 1:03:11
  We put our trust in him and he we are his children.
• 1:03:15
  I mean, what a gift to be sons and daughters of God Almight
• 1:03:18
  right. It's.
• 1:03:19
  Like it's a heritage, you know, we inherited, yes, Heaven and
• 1:03:24
  the Lord himself, you know, hell.
• 1:03:27
  Just even if there is no fire or brimstone or whatever, just to
• 1:03:30
  be separated from him from eternity, at least on earth
• 1:03:34
  there is still love. His love still shines through.
• 1:03:37
  So imagine a life without that in complete misery.
• 1:03:41
  I refuse that completely. Did you ever?
• 1:03:43
  Fear hell when you were absolutely so like in the back
• 1:03:47
  of your mind. Absolutely.
• 1:03:48
  Pop up, Yes. I tried not to think about it.
• 1:03:51
  Sure, Mariana. Maybe helped you're like yes it.
• 1:03:54
  Did but I do I never I never thought that God was not real
• 1:04:00
  ever. I knew he was real.
• 1:04:02
  So if you just from my upgrade. Yourself like.
• 1:04:04
  I'll change someday. Interesting.
• 1:04:06
  I always said that I was like, I knew I would potentially come
• 1:04:09
  back to the faith. Maybe, you know, didn't know,
• 1:04:13
  but I was like, I do know God's real.
• 1:04:14
  And I would never cross the line of denying that I knew it.
• 1:04:18
  Like, you know, even even saying like, Oh my God, like I was
• 1:04:22
  like, maybe I shouldn't say that, you know, like doing only
• 1:04:26
  fans, doing porn. And then I couldn't say that,
• 1:04:28
  you know, I'm like, what? So very real, very present in my
• 1:04:33
  mind whether I was smoking too much or not.
• 1:04:36
  But yeah, I just don't understand.
• 1:04:39
  And I wish I could shake those people into like understanding,
• 1:04:43
  you know, like it doesn't matter what happened in my past.
• 1:04:46
  It doesn't because has nothing to do with the future of the
• 1:04:49
  will, the path that God has for me today, tomorrow, the next
• 1:04:53
  day. Like, what is that?
• 1:04:55
  Like, I'm not still doing that, you know?
• 1:04:57
  So basically for me, it's like, you know, once a hoe, always a
• 1:05:01
  hoe. I'm like, so if you're a
• 1:05:02
  murderer, are you always a murderer if you're not murdering
• 1:05:05
  people? Like, what does that mean?
• 1:05:08
  Right. So it's like, what does that
• 1:05:09
  even mean? Well, I think there's this kind
• 1:05:11
  of interesting wrestling with human consequences because like,
• 1:05:14
  someone commits a murder, right? They go to jail, right?
• 1:05:17
  They should go to jail anyways, right?
• 1:05:19
  But then they have a conversion in jail, but they're still in
• 1:05:22
  jail, right? Right.
• 1:05:23
  And so I think that that's maybe where some of that criticism is
• 1:05:26
  wrongly coming from, some of the sense of, well, punishment they
• 1:05:29
  want. I think there's like right?
• 1:05:30
  They're looking for. Actions have consequences.
• 1:05:32
  This is your. Consequence for a retribution or
• 1:05:34
  punishment. And I know, and I'd love to hear
• 1:05:36
  you share cuz I know like even before we sat down, you're just
• 1:05:38
  sharing a little bit and whatever you're comfortable
• 1:05:40
  sharing on camera here. But just like, okay, now and you
• 1:05:44
  have this history that does affect you in the future.
• 1:05:46
  It does. There is a social impact of
• 1:05:48
  that. So I'd love to hear your
• 1:05:51
  thoughts on that because I do think some girls and women today
• 1:05:54
  getting into and men quite frankly, but getting into only
• 1:05:58
  fans or pornography, they think, well, society doesn't take this
• 1:06:01
  so seriously anymore. Right.
• 1:06:02
  So that's what I thought going into.
• 1:06:04
  And so I can get into this and then.
• 1:06:06
  I'll be forgiven. And then I'll be forgiven later.
• 1:06:08
  And the reality is in Jesus's name, you are forgiven because
• 1:06:13
  you've you've you've confessed your sin and he wants to forgive
• 1:06:15
  you. Right.
• 1:06:16
  But at the same time, there is a sense of a consequence of like
• 1:06:21
  there are real harms to pornography.
• 1:06:23
  You know, that of course, like this is, this is part of what I
• 1:06:26
  know you talk about in Brittany, who I know as a mentor viewer,
• 1:06:28
  she was just on the show talking about her own ministry.
• 1:06:30
  It's like how dark pornography is and redemption and freedom
• 1:06:35
  from that world. So yeah.
• 1:06:36
  What are your what are your thoughts on that?
• 1:06:39
  Well, it's not even about like what you see, because you see a
• 1:06:42
  lot of crazy things in the industry from people going
• 1:06:45
  through drug addiction, drinking addiction, sleeping with
• 1:06:49
  multiple partners is a horrible thing.
• 1:06:52
  It does very weird things to you, your mind, your, your soul,
• 1:06:56
  your spirit. You know, you see things that
• 1:07:00
  you wish you'd never seen before.
• 1:07:02
  Like, I know people who've taken their own lives, who've taken
• 1:07:04
  their partner's life out of drug addiction, like crazy stuff, and
• 1:07:11
  still doing the business that they're doing, you know, But you
• 1:07:14
  see, like the light is drained out of their entire eyes.
• 1:07:18
  Like it's nothing in there, just a shell of a person.
• 1:07:22
  It's like a robot. Like I felt like a robot at
• 1:07:25
  times just doing what I needed to do to accomplish tasks to
• 1:07:28
  make more money, you know? But your agencies never cared
• 1:07:31
  about you. Like people running you like a
• 1:07:34
  mill, you know, like no one truly cares.
• 1:07:37
  There's no like true love in that industry.
• 1:07:41
  It's all fake. Just fake, you know, So like the
• 1:07:45
  people you're doing scenes with, you don't care about them.
• 1:07:47
  I'm what I was thinking about was my next paycheck.
• 1:07:49
  I was like, I can't wait to get this over with so I can make
• 1:07:51
  more money off this scene. I'm thinking about how to edit
• 1:07:54
  the scene while I'm doing it. You know, you're just.
• 1:07:56
  Saying you're endlessly using yourselves.
• 1:07:58
  And being used, yes, the whole time.
• 1:08:02
  There is no love, no true kindness, no patience, none of
• 1:08:06
  the fruits of the spirit are in that world.
• 1:08:08
  So but the opposite. Like on the outside of that,
• 1:08:12
  there are huge, huge consequences to your actions.
• 1:08:15
  Like the amount of people that have like sent me and my husband
• 1:08:20
  death threats. The amount of people who have
• 1:08:23
  sent my husband things from my past consistently week by week
• 1:08:28
  is like so hard for him to deal with.
• 1:08:32
  And then for me to be like ashamed about, you know, 'cause
• 1:08:36
  I'm constantly being reminded of the things I've done when I just
• 1:08:39
  want to live. You know, I'm out of it now.
• 1:08:42
  I I know I'm out of it, but yet I keep getting brought back to
• 1:08:46
  that because of ignorant people on the Internet wanting to
• 1:08:49
  remind me of the consequences that I deserve.
• 1:08:53
  Now you know in their head. Why do you think they want to
• 1:08:55
  punish you so much? Because they think, Oh.
• 1:08:57
  Multiple reasons. I, I don't, I don't quite know.
• 1:09:01
  I really can't wrap my head around it because you know, me
• 1:09:04
  as a person, I would never send anybody anything that was that
• 1:09:07
  hateful. Like Brittany Delamore.
• 1:09:10
  I'd never send her husband her old scenes.
• 1:09:13
  Like what? What causes a person to do that?
• 1:09:15
  You know, like even when I was in that industry doing darkness,
• 1:09:19
  you know, making that, I would never do that.
• 1:09:22
  You know, I'm like, so you're definitely demon possessed.
• 1:09:25
  I I in my mind, you're demon possessed because that is so
• 1:09:29
  evil to just remind people people of like the sin of what
• 1:09:34
  you did. But it's it's just the devil.
• 1:09:36
  I know it's the enemy trying to throw arrows.
• 1:09:39
  You know, in Isaiah. What is it?
• 1:09:41
  54, seven, I believe I don't know, but it talks about no
• 1:09:44
  weapon formed against me shall prosper.
• 1:09:46
  You know, weapons will be formed, but it will never
• 1:09:49
  succeed in its initial goal to harm you because if you're a
• 1:09:54
  servant of the Lord that will never stand because God is the
• 1:09:57
  ultimate protector. You know, he's better than the
• 1:10:00
  Secret Service and all the military's combined.
• 1:10:03
  You know, it's, it's a beautiful thing to like remind myself and
• 1:10:07
  Jordan, you know, during these hard times of people sending us
• 1:10:09
  stuff, especially death threats. I'm like, why are you
• 1:10:12
  threatening to? Are they former?
• 1:10:14
  Are they former subscribers? I don't know.
• 1:10:16
  Mainly they come from like blank accounts or people, people with
• 1:10:19
  no following or no post so I don't know.
• 1:10:22
  I mean, I think I, I would theorize and I don't know
• 1:10:25
  obviously any of this for sure, but people that were used to
• 1:10:28
  sort of owning a piece of you, you know, via only fans.
• 1:10:32
  Now that they can't own you in the same way, they don't have
• 1:10:35
  that same access that might spiral them into.
• 1:10:38
  I want to still exert some sort of control.
• 1:10:41
  That's very interesting. So that could be very true, but
• 1:10:44
  it's very cowardly. Very cowardly.
• 1:10:47
  You know why? Because no one since I've gotten
• 1:10:50
  off has ever come to my face or my husband's face and said a
• 1:10:54
  word. Really no one.
• 1:10:56
  They, it's only online. So I just know for a fact.
• 1:10:58
  Look at an airport like do you? Do you get recognized?
• 1:11:01
  Yes, I do. But you're saying they're
• 1:11:02
  they're never saying negative things to in.
• 1:11:04
  Person ever. I've never, not even when I was
• 1:11:07
  on Only Fans, nobody said anything to my face.
• 1:11:10
  I mean, also, like, who would come up to me and say something
• 1:11:13
  when my husband is like 64200 and 30 lbs looks like a
• 1:11:17
  linebacker. Yeah, you know.
• 1:11:20
  Make sure you stay with your husband when you walk around.
• 1:11:22
  I always am with him. Don't go out.
• 1:11:25
  Don't go out on your own. But you know, I just feel really
• 1:11:28
  bad for the people who feel the need to, you know, try to tear
• 1:11:32
  other people down when I'm I'm pretty sure your life is
• 1:11:34
  probably crumbling before you. So even the people that love to
• 1:11:38
  talk about me on podcasts or my story or call my husband a cook
• 1:11:41
  or a simp for marrying such a woman.
• 1:11:44
  I'm like, you know, my, my husband married me because I
• 1:11:47
  gave my life to the Lord, not because I was on only fans.
• 1:11:50
  So and I also carry a lot of like wife qualities like I cook,
• 1:11:55
  I clean, I take very good care of him.
• 1:11:58
  I love him dearly, you know, so and a lot of the people I see
• 1:12:01
  talking about me could never uphold those standards
• 1:12:04
  themselves. So I'm sorry if they're jealous
• 1:12:06
  or upset that they couldn't get a husband or.
• 1:12:09
  Honestly, if I had to again, if I had to play armchair
• 1:12:12
  therapist, which I'm not, but if I had to guess at why they're
• 1:12:15
  you get some of that reaction. I think it's because it from
• 1:12:19
  people who profess faith, from people who profess it, which is
• 1:12:22
  kind of the saddest part of it, right?
• 1:12:23
  But I think that is from maybe those people who are professing
• 1:12:27
  the faith in their own hearts and souls.
• 1:12:29
  They haven't experienced maybe the tenderness of God.
• 1:12:32
  Yep, just like we were talking about, that love of God pierces
• 1:12:36
  the deepest, darkest caves in your heart and the fruits and.
• 1:12:40
  The fruits of the spirit like we were just looking at the plaque
• 1:12:42
  and I'm going to pull them up the fruits of the Spirit.
• 1:12:44
  But I think the when you look at the fruits of the spirit like
• 1:12:48
  these words, right love, joy, goodness, kindness, patience,
• 1:12:55
  faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
• 1:12:59
  How much of online discourse and I, I will take responsibility
• 1:13:02
  because I can get a little snippy sometimes or I can say
• 1:13:05
  dumb things like so I'm not like holier than thou at all.
• 1:13:09
  But this is the fruit, the fruit of the Spirit.
• 1:13:11
  If we have God in US and His grace operating in her life,
• 1:13:15
  this is what's supposed to come out.
• 1:13:17
  Lovejoy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
• 1:13:20
  faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
• 1:13:21
  Even if you just take one self-control, if you had the
• 1:13:24
  self-control to stop talking about people online, then there
• 1:13:28
  you go you you'd obtain one of them.
• 1:13:30
  But that's the one thing I see that they lack so hardcore as if
• 1:13:34
  you're proclaiming to be a Christian.
• 1:13:36
  You definitely do not have self-control.
• 1:13:38
  You are not slow to speak, you are not slow to listen and you
• 1:13:41
  are not slow to anger. It's.
• 1:13:42
  Hard the Internet is so designed for that immediate hot take and
• 1:13:47
  again I'm I've done my hot takes on Twitter, which I'm most like,
• 1:13:50
  oh afterwards would I should I have you know, I.
• 1:13:53
  Feel that way, too, because, you know, Jordan and I sometimes
• 1:13:55
  debate about whether we should answer somebody back, but then
• 1:13:58
  we're like, you know, at the end of the day, like, it's not gonna
• 1:14:01
  help anything. Yeah.
• 1:14:02
  You know, I just know for a fact that you do not have the Lord in
• 1:14:05
  your life based on what you just said to me, you know, and that's
• 1:14:07
  really sad. Like my husband says, keep that
• 1:14:09
  energy for Judgment Day. Well, you know, the book of
• 1:14:11
  Proverbs. I was rereading it recently and
• 1:14:14
  I was like, this is like the manual for how to use social
• 1:14:17
  media responsibly, which I don't always do, but but it is like,
• 1:14:21
  don't answer a fool according to his folly.
• 1:14:24
  A gentle answer turns away wrath.
• 1:14:26
  Like all of us are like, this is good stuff.
• 1:14:29
  I just like I read this more often.
• 1:14:31
  Right. But I feel like a lot of people
• 1:14:33
  want that reaction. That's, that's the Internet.
• 1:14:36
  You want that clickbait? If you're a creator and you're
• 1:14:39
  making money from going viral. By going.
• 1:14:40
  To war with people. Yeah, I refuse to do that,
• 1:14:43
  though. I refuse.
• 1:14:44
  I used to be like that. I used to be very controversial
• 1:14:47
  on the Internet with the podcast I would do or, you know, doing
• 1:14:50
  interviews on the street. I loved the controversy.
• 1:14:53
  I love, I love confrontation a lot, but I just understand that
• 1:14:59
  now I have to represent Christ. That doesn't mean so if you say
• 1:15:04
  you're a Christian and this is how you represent Christ, that's
• 1:15:08
  that's really, really sad. But I know that I need to
• 1:15:11
  represent Christ as a Christ follower and Christ would not
• 1:15:14
  say that Christ would not lash out.
• 1:15:16
  You know, there is times where God is angry and it talks about
• 1:15:19
  that in the Bible. You know, we can get angry, but
• 1:15:22
  sin not. So me responding in a snarky way
• 1:15:26
  like what? How is that professing my faith?
• 1:15:28
  How is that showing you God's love?
• 1:15:30
  You know, so most of the time, 10 times out of 10 now, I do not
• 1:15:34
  respond because I'm like, you're just being a goof.
• 1:15:37
  Where is it going to go? You know, you're just not and
• 1:15:40
  I've had to pray for so many of my haters because they've
• 1:15:42
  attacked me so greatly and on such deep levels where it really
• 1:15:47
  hurts my heart because they don't see.
• 1:15:50
  I'm like, you are blind. You do not see what God actually
• 1:15:54
  did in my life. You don't see the mountains that
• 1:15:57
  he has had to move. You know, the valleys that I
• 1:16:00
  have been in with my husband, like you don't under what you
• 1:16:03
  see is on social media. And guess what?
• 1:16:05
  Social media is fake news. Like I'm not saying my testimony
• 1:16:09
  is fake. I'm saying that everything on
• 1:16:11
  social media is fake. Like look at the actual news
• 1:16:14
  itself. It's scripted.
• 1:16:16
  It's like edited. It's like everything is fake,
• 1:16:19
  you know? So why believe that over just
• 1:16:22
  wanting to have a conversation with me?
• 1:16:24
  So the people calling me out on podcasts want me to come on
• 1:16:26
  their podcasts and what, you know, grow them.
• 1:16:30
  I'm like, they're not right, but I'm not here to debate you
• 1:16:34
  because there's no love in your words.
• 1:16:36
  So we're not debating anything really.
• 1:16:38
  Even if you say you're a Christian and I'm a Christian,
• 1:16:40
  what am I doing wrong exactly, other than sharing my testimony,
• 1:16:44
  you know? Context.
• 1:16:45
  I know some people listening might be a little familiar, but
• 1:16:48
  we were talking about this earlier and I should have asked
• 1:16:49
  you about it already. But since your conversion, since
• 1:16:52
  again, deleting your sexually explicit content, sharing about
• 1:16:55
  your faith, sharing about your new marriage to your lovely
• 1:16:57
  husband, all of this stuff you have received and I've seen it
• 1:17:01
  even come across my feed, people not only criticizing you, but
• 1:17:05
  people criticizing people who would talk to you about your
• 1:17:07
  conversion story. I mean, it's just kind of wild
• 1:17:08
  like this crazy. It is.
• 1:17:10
  It is a bit wild. It is a bit, well, I can
• 1:17:11
  understand it, but it also is wild.
• 1:17:15
  So anyways, there's a lot of that.
• 1:17:17
  So I know that's something that takes up some brain power from
• 1:17:20
  you because. Really.
• 1:17:20
  Does you're? Literally if you're online, you
• 1:17:22
  end up seeing it on any given day.
• 1:17:24
  I'm in the gas. Like it's literally it's.
• 1:17:25
  Really. I know it's all over my feeds,
• 1:17:27
  my friends send it to me. It's all over Snapchat news.
• 1:17:30
  I'm like. It's the story of the Edge.
• 1:17:31
  It's like you can't change, right?
• 1:17:33
  What is what is the devils like? Besides his temptation giving
• 1:17:37
  you power, right, giving you power, The other big temptation
• 1:17:40
  of the devil is like you can't, you're not allowed to change.
• 1:17:43
  Once you're sin, once you're mine, I have you forever in
• 1:17:46
  eternal well, and you can't change.
• 1:17:49
  But you know, the devil is so unoriginal.
• 1:17:51
  He's so unoriginal and he he doesn't actually have any power.
• 1:17:55
  You know, that's why his schemes fail with the love of God.
• 1:17:59
  You know, like men. If you are a child of the most
• 1:18:01
  high king, there is none above him.
• 1:18:04
  Why would they succeed? So I, it doesn't make me afraid,
• 1:18:08
  right? Like that shame that he
• 1:18:09
  continues to throw at me. I'm like, that's old news.
• 1:18:12
  You like, you keep playing the same hand like this isn't fun.
• 1:18:16
  Like I don't enjoy this. Like this isn't bringing me
• 1:18:19
  closer to the Lord like you. You're just playing the same
• 1:18:23
  game because you are. You have nothing.
• 1:18:25
  You're not even creative yourself.
• 1:18:27
  You know it's true. Someone explained it to me that
• 1:18:30
  the devil, he's not like new in things because he's been around
• 1:18:34
  since the earth was created. He's been able to see humans and
• 1:18:39
  our behaviors and our likeness and he's been able to twist
• 1:18:43
  that. He can twist things, but he
• 1:18:45
  cannot change things. He cannot force us to do
• 1:18:48
  anything. It is all within our own free
• 1:18:50
  will. If God cannot change us because
• 1:18:53
  we have free will, the devil cannot change us, you know,
• 1:18:56
  because God is obviously above the devil.
• 1:18:58
  But it's just, it's funny to me, like when the devil comes
• 1:19:01
  against me now through all the things I've been through and I
• 1:19:03
  still, I know like have a great big future, but it just doesn't
• 1:19:08
  scare me as it used to. I'm like, oh, bad things are
• 1:19:11
  happening. I know exactly why, you know,
• 1:19:13
  these mountains are put in front of me.
• 1:19:15
  I know why. You know, there's always going
• 1:19:17
  to be obstacles. There's always going to be
• 1:19:18
  arrows thrown. You know, there's always going
• 1:19:20
  to be something in the way because I am now the Lord's, not
• 1:19:25
  his anymore. Someone explained it to me like
• 1:19:27
  this, where I was like a general in the enemy's army pulling
• 1:19:31
  people in, you know, causing them to sin.
• 1:19:34
  Like I was working hardcore overtime for him, but now I work
• 1:19:38
  for the Lord. You know, I am a servant of the
• 1:19:41
  Most High King. I'm a daughter who has amazing
• 1:19:43
  inheritance through Christ and Christ alone covered in his
• 1:19:47
  blood. You know that, you know, the
• 1:19:50
  devil is so mad and that's why so much like it's just a year.
• 1:19:54
  I couldn't even explain everything in this in this
• 1:19:57
  session of what's happened to us in a year.
• 1:19:59
  Craziness. Like the week I got off of
• 1:20:02
  Onlyfans, I got into a car accident.
• 1:20:04
  I heard that my parents were divorcing and we were moving all
• 1:20:07
  in the same week. And I was like, and I had a
• 1:20:09
  stalker. I was like, Oh my gosh.
• 1:20:11
  Like I knew this was the enemy. I was like, he is so mad that he
• 1:20:15
  lost me. Wow, so mad.
• 1:20:18
  And yet when I was on Onlyfans like.
• 1:20:19
  Nothing happened to me. You know, I didn't have anything
• 1:20:22
  to happen with, but I'm like, tell me why this is all
• 1:20:25
  happening the week I get off of only fans.
• 1:20:27
  I knew it was him and I was just like, ever since then, I've been
• 1:20:30
  able to get stronger in the Lord to call out his promises like no
• 1:20:34
  weapon formed against me will prosper.
• 1:20:36
  Nice try. That was cute, but you know
• 1:20:39
  what, like I know where you're going and you know where you're
• 1:20:42
  going. This is this is just such a lie
• 1:20:46
  like, oh, I feel so empowered with like the word of God.
• 1:20:51
  You know, it's such an amazing tool.
• 1:20:53
  And if anybody out there is not reading the word of God, you
• 1:20:55
  need to read it it. It's so.
• 1:20:57
  True gives you your power. Yeah, it's the mind of Christ,
• 1:21:01
  because how can we have the mind of Christ if we don't know how
• 1:21:04
  he speaks? And he speaks obviously through
• 1:21:07
  he can speak at any moment, but he's given us divine revelation.
• 1:21:10
  He's given us Holy Scripture. And you hear the words of
• 1:21:13
  Christ, and it's just, you know, it, it, it, it moves the soul in
• 1:21:16
  a way that nothing else. Yeah.
• 1:21:19
  Possibly move because it is God's word.
• 1:21:21
  It's God's word to our and nourishment to our soul.
• 1:21:24
  So good. You said something earlier and I
• 1:21:26
  I'm I'm curious how you approach this.
• 1:21:28
  You said something about you're the general and the enemy's army
• 1:21:32
  pulling souls away and now you are God's daughter to bring
• 1:21:35
  souls to him. Look at this incredible
• 1:21:37
  difference, right? And this is also like you look
• 1:21:39
  at Holy Scripture and the stories of these women who like
• 1:21:41
  the woman at the well exactly She went and told look what the
• 1:21:45
  Lord has done for me and she became an evangelist for Jesus,
• 1:21:48
  one of the first evangelists of Jesus anyway.
• 1:21:51
  So I'm curious when you say we're a general in this army and
• 1:21:54
  pulling all these souls away from Christ.
• 1:21:56
  Was there a moment for you when you were rejecting your passage
• 1:22:00
  saying I am going to delete only fans.
• 1:22:02
  I'm I am God's daughter now I am baptized.
• 1:22:05
  Were there like pain moments for you thinking about the people
• 1:22:08
  who may have been hurt by. Wow, absolutely.
• 1:22:11
  And it it came out before I started going on podcasts, but
• 1:22:15
  there was this moment where I was like sitting and it just hit
• 1:22:18
  me. I was like, I'm healed, but what
• 1:22:22
  about them? You know, like I had such a big
• 1:22:25
  part to play in them sinning. You know, again, they could have
• 1:22:30
  just watched somebody else if my stuff wasn't out there.
• 1:22:33
  But my stuff was out there. They bought my stuff.
• 1:22:37
  So of course I'm like attached to that, you know, so it hurts
• 1:22:41
  and there came a lot of shame. But then I realized like God is
• 1:22:44
  not giving me that shame. Like the devil gives you that
• 1:22:47
  shame. God gives conviction.
• 1:22:48
  So what I just started to do was anytime I felt that shame come
• 1:22:52
  up, I just started praying over whoever may have watched my
• 1:22:56
  content, you know, let them be set free from pornography, let
• 1:22:59
  them be set free from lust. The addictions that they may
• 1:23:02
  have, you know, the the loneliness or the hurt that they
• 1:23:05
  experienced to lead them that led them to start watching porn,
• 1:23:09
  you know, or looking at graphic content that they shouldn't be.
• 1:23:12
  You know, I started praying over the relationships that they were
• 1:23:16
  in, you know, that might be hurting because of that
• 1:23:18
  addiction. Like it just led me on this like
• 1:23:20
  prayer journey of just praying about all the pieces surrounding
• 1:23:24
  those people who were hurt or me may have like been LED in sin.
• 1:23:28
  But I also pray over the industry itself, you know, like
• 1:23:32
  I'm not here to just take down only fans.
• 1:23:34
  You know, I can't do it alone anyway, you know, but it has to
• 1:23:38
  be through Christ. But I want to bring awareness
• 1:23:41
  and I want to aware, like bring awareness to the women who are
• 1:23:45
  starting so young. You know, who like, yes, society
• 1:23:48
  accepts it. You see sex everywhere,
• 1:23:51
  everywhere, all over the Internet.
• 1:23:53
  So it may be accepted and cool to do, you know, might be like,
• 1:23:57
  oh, but I work on Only Fans. Oh, that's so cool.
• 1:23:59
  It's not, you know, because the repercussions of your body, soul
• 1:24:04
  and mind being hurt through that process, the things you see in
• 1:24:08
  that world are crazy and beyond, things that you should have
• 1:24:13
  never seen to begin with because it scars you.
• 1:24:15
  It's things now that I cannot get out of my head.
• 1:24:18
  It's like watching a horror movie times 10, you know?
• 1:24:21
  You can't get that out of your head.
• 1:24:22
  Sometimes you'll have nightmares about it.
• 1:24:24
  You'll most likely need to go to counseling like I do, you know.
• 1:24:27
  What out of your head? Images, things you've done,
• 1:24:30
  things you've said, like, mainly for me, it's like things I've
• 1:24:33
  done, you know, to other people, yes, to other people that's been
• 1:24:37
  done to me, like. And you're saying you even to
• 1:24:40
  this day, you're having flashbacks?
• 1:24:41
  Yeah. So that I mean, we're talking
• 1:24:43
  earlier and again, back to like the people critiquing you online
• 1:24:46
  and stuff, but this idea of like the consequences, right?
• 1:24:49
  God gives us this eternal gift of salvation despite our sin and
• 1:24:54
  despite the wages of sin being death and hell, right?
• 1:24:57
  We're saved by the blood of Christ, Amen.
• 1:24:58
  There's still the natural consequence.
• 1:25:01
  Yeah, natural. Order and, and God can still
• 1:25:03
  like temper that even and give miracles in that and he does
• 1:25:07
  like his grace is so amazing, but there's still the natural
• 1:25:09
  order that we live in time and space and our own brokenness.
• 1:25:13
  And so I think that's another piece of the story that's so
• 1:25:15
  powerful because again, like, I do think there's a sense of like
• 1:25:19
  power that a lot of young women especially have where they're
• 1:25:22
  like, Hey, I'm going to go do this for a season.
• 1:25:25
  I'm going to have fun, I'm going to make money, I'm going to be
• 1:25:27
  popular. And then if I want to go, you
• 1:25:30
  know, check out later, turn it off.
• 1:25:32
  I can turn it all. Down, you know.
• 1:25:34
  It's going to work out one way or the other.
• 1:25:37
  And it may and it may, I had a very wild like rare situation
• 1:25:43
  that I got married right out of the industry to a Christian man.
• 1:25:47
  Like that's crazy to me. So because I know some people
• 1:25:52
  that are not on only fans or just got out and are still not
• 1:25:56
  married and in their 30s, you know, and just like 1
• 1:26:00
  struggling. I am like rare case scenario
• 1:26:05
  because the reality of it is those men, those Christ
• 1:26:08
  following men, those good, good men don't want a girl that's on
• 1:26:12
  only fans don't want a girl that's been in the industry.
• 1:26:15
  Most likely, yes, your sins are forgiven you, you can become a
• 1:26:18
  completely different person, but you still did those things.
• 1:26:23
  Like it's like the like there's this book that call that says
• 1:26:26
  it's called the the body keeps the score.
• 1:26:29
  You know, it's so true. Your body doesn't just forget.
• 1:26:33
  Your mind doesn't just forget. You don't get amnesia after
• 1:26:36
  you've lived any kind of lifestyle.
• 1:26:38
  If you're a murderer, if you've done drugs, you don't even have
• 1:26:40
  to be in the porn industry to have a bad past and still
• 1:26:43
  remember it. Like your body knows, you know,
• 1:26:46
  that you've been through things. I experience things.
• 1:26:49
  I've had bad dreams about things from years ago, you know, like
• 1:26:52
  even being 13, that has popped into my head so many times as an
• 1:26:58
  adult, yes, so many times. Like you're like, it doesn't
• 1:27:02
  just go away. And obviously that wasn't my
• 1:27:05
  fault, but things happen to you that we put ourselves into those
• 1:27:09
  situations, like having sex with people that are not your husband
• 1:27:13
  does really bad things to you. That's why God says to get
• 1:27:16
  married, you know, because we cannot, we cannot just hold the
• 1:27:19
  temptation, you know, we are not strong enough to just not be
• 1:27:23
  tempted to do that, you know? So it's so important.
• 1:27:26
  And man, I wish I would have waited.
• 1:27:29
  I wish so badly I could make a time machine and go all the way
• 1:27:33
  back and just never have sex with anybody until I waited for
• 1:27:38
  Jordan. Like, wow.
• 1:27:40
  My parents told me that at one point in my life, like, you
• 1:27:43
  know, you should wait for your husband.
• 1:27:45
  You know, didn't understand, didn't care.
• 1:27:46
  I was like, whatever. And then, well, I understand it
• 1:27:50
  so much because the most special person in the world to me is
• 1:27:54
  him. And I hate the fact that I gave
• 1:27:56
  myself up before that, you know, So there's just so many
• 1:28:00
  consequences to it. Even if you're not hated on the
• 1:28:02
  Internet, it doesn't matter. That's not the only consequence.
• 1:28:05
  There are so many. And as a young person is like a
• 1:28:08
  young 20 year old, it's so hard to comprehend those consequences
• 1:28:12
  when they haven't happened yet. You know, as like there was
• 1:28:16
  people who told me, you know, like, oh, you know, it's going
• 1:28:19
  to be out there forever. And I kind of joked about it.
• 1:28:21
  I'm like, well, I hope so, you know, because like, that's good
• 1:28:23
  for me. It's more money for me, but now
• 1:28:26
  I'm paying to get it taken off the Internet actively.
• 1:28:29
  That's another price I have to pay, you know, is just
• 1:28:32
  physically paying for it to get wiped off the Internet, which
• 1:28:34
  will still last forever. So there's just so many
• 1:28:37
  consequences. There's like webs, there's
• 1:28:40
  people you have to pay to try to scrap.
• 1:28:42
  It's like DMCA, people who like Ascendant, you have to pay for
• 1:28:45
  that service, by the way. And it's just when you have so
• 1:28:48
  many leaks, it's a mess. It's a mess.
• 1:28:51
  Because you're still actively trying to.
• 1:28:52
  Yep, all the time. I have lawyers involved.
• 1:28:55
  Like I'm trying to do as much as I possibly can to get that
• 1:28:58
  wiped, you know, before I start having kids.
• 1:29:00
  And then another consequence is having children, You know, now
• 1:29:04
  you have this incredible crazy past and promiscuous past.
• 1:29:07
  And then now I'm going to have to talk to my kids about one day
• 1:29:11
  because they'll be on the Internet and I would hate for
• 1:29:13
  them to see something like that and then not understand it.
• 1:29:17
  So I want to be completely open and honest with my kids, unlike
• 1:29:20
  my parents word at me about their crazy.
• 1:29:22
  That is the. Difference between like the time
• 1:29:24
  of our Lord, you know, we're talking about the Scripture and
• 1:29:26
  Jesus, you know, with the adult or the woman at the well or the
• 1:29:29
  prostitute. But today there's a record,
• 1:29:32
  right? Like that's unusual in all of
• 1:29:34
  human history, the record that exists today because of
• 1:29:37
  technology with pornography and all of really any bad deed,
• 1:29:40
  quite frankly. Like it's not just pornographic
• 1:29:42
  stuff. It's like, you know, there's a
• 1:29:44
  murderer that's on camera. Like now that video?
• 1:29:46
  You have mug shots, you know mug shots, right?
• 1:29:48
  It's an additional question about how we show up as
• 1:29:51
  Christians in that world where people's misdeeds, especially
• 1:29:54
  those like sins of the flesh, like pornography, etcetera, can
• 1:29:57
  be present on the Internet. But and, and people can still be
• 1:30:01
  pushing it, right and not want to delete it.
• 1:30:03
  And the world is like holding on to it and it's, and it's the
• 1:30:07
  records there. And that still has this impact.
• 1:30:10
  But it's like in Jesus Christ, you're forgiven, like start
• 1:30:12
  anew. And then there's just dealing
• 1:30:14
  with all of that. That is, it's a, it's a like you
• 1:30:17
  were saying, the consequences. It's that additional challenge
• 1:30:19
  that you're you're having to navigate.
• 1:30:20
  Yep. It's hard and even though we're
• 1:30:22
  supposed to be like Christ, I find it really difficult to
• 1:30:25
  believe when Christians say they're Christians.
• 1:30:27
  And then coming at me constantly bringing up my past.
• 1:30:29
  I'm like, that's funny because God says he forgives me.
• 1:30:32
  God says that my slate is clean from the east is to the West.
• 1:30:36
  He does not remember it anymore. So why do you why do you keep
• 1:30:40
  bringing this up? You know, you're acting like the
• 1:30:42
  devil when you keep bringing up my past, like claiming that is
• 1:30:45
  me. So that is not of God, that is
• 1:30:47
  of the devil. So deal with that.
• 1:30:50
  Roland, I know, I know. There have been some moments on
• 1:30:53
  shows that you've had to literally rebuke Christians who
• 1:30:58
  were basically holding your feet to the fire to shame you for.
• 1:31:02
  Your past. I'm OK with debates, but there's
• 1:31:06
  a difference between hate debates and loving debates.
• 1:31:09
  Like if you were genuinely curious and out of love you
• 1:31:13
  spoke. I'd answer any question you had
• 1:31:16
  in the book for me, but when you come at me with hate in your
• 1:31:19
  heart and I feel that, I feel like this presence, like when
• 1:31:24
  they were laughing, I was like, that is so demonic.
• 1:31:26
  I felt chills. Like when I got out of that
• 1:31:29
  podcast, I was like, distraught spiritually.
• 1:31:33
  I was like, Lord, I need your healing right now.
• 1:31:37
  Like, I feel torn apart. And that is not what a Christian
• 1:31:41
  does. Oh, it's OK.
• 1:31:43
  But that is not a Christian. That's not a Christ follower.
• 1:31:47
  Where is the love in that? And I question them in that
• 1:31:50
  podcast about that. Where's the love in all these
• 1:31:53
  questions, you know, and all these rebukes?
• 1:31:56
  I'm not doing anything wrong. I think about the the Bible
• 1:31:59
  verse where Jesus is talking about the man that is like, I
• 1:32:02
  have always followed your law. Look how I am following your
• 1:32:05
  law. Look at me following your law.
• 1:32:07
  I do all of your law. And then there's the man who's
• 1:32:09
  beating his dress and saying I am a Sinner in need of mercy,
• 1:32:13
  and who is the one that's pleasing to God?
• 1:32:16
  You know, the Sinner. Yeah, the Sinner.
• 1:32:18
  I have felt that so many times all.
• 1:32:19
  Sinners, but it's the one that like, and and it's just
• 1:32:23
  interesting like the life of Christ, like he really went out
• 1:32:25
  of his way for the Sinner. Now we're all sinners, right?
• 1:32:29
  So it's interesting like the one who is like, so righteous pride,
• 1:32:35
  righteous pride, you know, unrighteous pride because no
• 1:32:38
  pride is righteous, but it's so full of pride, right?
• 1:32:40
  That person is a Sinner because the first sin is pride.
• 1:32:44
  But Jesus went for people who were, yes, sinners, but they
• 1:32:47
  were willing to admit in the end their sins.
• 1:32:50
  And there's their need for Jesus because at the end of the day,
• 1:32:53
  that was the that is the ultimate requirement is to say,
• 1:32:57
  I need you, right? I want you.
• 1:32:59
  I, I, I'm sorry like you, but you got to start with knowing
• 1:33:02
  you need him. Amen.
• 1:33:03
  If you pretend like you don't need God.
• 1:33:06
  Well. God can love you, but you will
• 1:33:08
  not receive His love. Amen.
• 1:33:10
  Getting to know God is such an beautiful, intimate process.
• 1:33:14
  It's intimate because He doesn't want you going and showing your
• 1:33:17
  faith and praying out loud and fasting in public like that is
• 1:33:22
  for private. Your walk with God is completely
• 1:33:25
  private. I know that's why I got so upset
• 1:33:28
  in these interviews, because it's like you're calling me not
• 1:33:31
  a Christian, but why would I show you on a day-to-day what I
• 1:33:34
  do in my my walk with the Lord on the Internet?
• 1:33:36
  Meaning they're they're wanting you to prove your.
• 1:33:38
  Christianity, yes, and I'm like, but that's not for you to see.
• 1:33:43
  My actions show that. But I'm not going to put a
• 1:33:46
  camera up in my room and be reading the Bible.
• 1:33:50
  You know why? Because I won't be focused on
• 1:33:51
  the Lord. It's not about the camera, it's
• 1:33:53
  about God. So it's like I don't share a lot
• 1:33:55
  of intimate details of my walk with the Lord because it's about
• 1:33:59
  me and him, not about the whole world to see.
• 1:34:02
  But you can see that through my actions, if you'd like, or the
• 1:34:05
  fruits of the Spirit, they're beautifully shown if you are a
• 1:34:08
  Christ follower or not. And that's why I have such a big
• 1:34:11
  issue with Christians nowadays. He's coming at people like me.
• 1:34:15
  You know, I don't care what you think about me.
• 1:34:17
  I don't. Because the only opinion that
• 1:34:19
  matters is Christ ultimately, because he's the one who gets to
• 1:34:22
  decide whether I get to spend eternity with him.
• 1:34:24
  Not you, you know so. And thankfully, right at the end
• 1:34:28
  of the day, how many? Well, thankfully for that, but
• 1:34:31
  how many like, like there are so many more Christians.
• 1:34:34
  I know for a fact less people listening to this right now who
• 1:34:37
  are like those people need. To be cheered on because the
• 1:34:42
  amount of people as well who have come with me alongside of
• 1:34:46
  me as Christ followers, wow, like cheers to them.
• 1:34:51
  They have helped me so much. So that's why I don't always
• 1:34:54
  want to spend time on the haters.
• 1:34:56
  The haters hate. They're not original.
• 1:34:58
  Guess what? They hate upon everybody.
• 1:35:01
  You know, that's the unoriginal thing about them is that haters
• 1:35:04
  just hate, you know, misery loves company.
• 1:35:06
  So but the people that have come up beside me, cheered me on,
• 1:35:11
  messaged me relentlessly being like, I'm praying for you, like
• 1:35:14
  you have been on my heart, on my mind.
• 1:35:16
  I prayed for you since day one. You know, ever since I saw you
• 1:35:19
  do this podcast, I've been praying for you.
• 1:35:21
  Wow, what hearts of gold like that has helped me so much.
• 1:35:27
  Even if I don't respond to those messages, I see them and it hit
• 1:35:30
  really encourages me or to the people who've been like, you
• 1:35:34
  know what, I used to think this way about you and now I think
• 1:35:38
  this way because I've seen the Lord work in you.
• 1:35:40
  I've had people apologize to me who are old subscribers who've
• 1:35:45
  been like, I'm so sorry for watching you in that way.
• 1:35:48
  I can't tell you what that feels like.
• 1:35:51
  That's crazy. Like God, God is using me so
• 1:35:58
  drastically to reach those people who need it.
• 1:36:01
  So I don't care about the haters because it's like, clearly you
• 1:36:04
  don't need it if you don't think that, you know, But the people
• 1:36:06
  who need it, God will reach. And I'm so excited for that.
• 1:36:10
  And that's always my prayer before I go into a podcast.
• 1:36:13
  It's just God, I don't care who this reaches, but I need you to
• 1:36:16
  put this in the person's lap who really needs this.
• 1:36:19
  Plant the seeds through whatever they're watching it on
• 1:36:22
  Instagram, Facebook. I don't care.
• 1:36:24
  And I don't care if it reaches 1,000,000 people or not.
• 1:36:27
  Like, get this to where it needs to go, you know, because there
• 1:36:30
  are people hurting. So again, the haters are going
• 1:36:33
  to hate. They're not helping anybody.
• 1:36:35
  They're not even helping themselves.
• 1:36:36
  You know, maybe they're making money off their views.
• 1:36:38
  Great for you, but I can tell you from first hand experience
• 1:36:41
  that money isn't getting you into heaven.
• 1:36:42
  So like, I appreciate all the amazing Christians that I met,
• 1:36:46
  like you, Brittany Ryan Miller, like Michael Knowles, he's a
• 1:36:51
  great one too. But so many good people have
• 1:36:54
  come up alongside me and cheered both my husband and I on during
• 1:36:57
  this really difficult time. And it has been the best thing
• 1:37:01
  to feel such a part of Christ's family.
• 1:37:05
  Like the body of Christ is moving and working, and God is
• 1:37:09
  specifically pinpointing people in different industries, like
• 1:37:12
  not just setting off huge revivals in churches.
• 1:37:16
  It is pinpointing people. Here's a girl from Onlyfans.
• 1:37:19
  Here's a guy from the NFL, like here's a singer over here, an
• 1:37:22
  actor over here, like God is using beautiful people in
• 1:37:27
  beautiful roles to help reach those people in their, like, own
• 1:37:31
  little organizations. You know it's awesome.
• 1:37:34
  What is your you and your lovely husband?
• 1:37:37
  What are your your vision for the future?
• 1:37:41
  So we see ourselves settling down soon, within the next
• 1:37:44
  couple of years, we'd love to buy a home.
• 1:37:46
  Right now we just moved to Tennessee.
• 1:37:48
  So we I think we're going to settle down in Tennessee
• 1:37:50
  somewhere. We don't know just yet, but we
• 1:37:53
  want to kind of live in the country a little bit.
• 1:37:55
  But our dream is to just go live in the country, have a few
• 1:37:58
  children and just live, you know, continue our work with the
• 1:38:03
  Lord. We want to do mission work so
• 1:38:05
  bad, like across seas. Like that is a huge goal of
• 1:38:08
  ours. Like Jordan loves to build
• 1:38:10
  things. So he'd love to go help build
• 1:38:11
  churches or and I really want to work with children.
• 1:38:14
  Like I love children so much and I feel so-called to work with
• 1:38:18
  maybe disabled children or anything like that.
• 1:38:20
  But that would be amazing if God calls us to the mission field,
• 1:38:23
  like our own day-to-day life is a mission field already.
• 1:38:26
  You know, our Internet, like our social media platforms are kind
• 1:38:29
  of mission fields, you know, like going in person and helping
• 1:38:32
  others, you know, build the Kingdom of God all across the
• 1:38:35
  world is a dream that would be amazing for us so.
• 1:38:40
  What is your message to maybe someone listening?
• 1:38:43
  They know a girl who is maybe getting involved with Only Fans
• 1:38:47
  you or is involved. You were on Only Fans for years.
• 1:38:50
  I think you made a total of, I don't know, $14 million.
• 1:38:54
  You've completely rejected that world.
• 1:38:56
  Now you're speaking out against it, what would be your message
• 1:39:00
  to girls today who are considering only fans or who are
• 1:39:04
  involved with only fans? The biggest thing I would say is
• 1:39:07
  something my husband said to me that radically shook me was that
• 1:39:12
  the devil has a budget. The devil has a budget and God
• 1:39:15
  does not. So the devil could give me as
• 1:39:18
  much as he could during that time of being on only fans
• 1:39:21
  keeping me sucked in. So yeah, I had money, I had
• 1:39:24
  power, but at the end of the day, I had nothing.
• 1:39:26
  I had no body. I felt no love.
• 1:39:29
  I was utterly alone. And that is something you cannot
• 1:39:34
  buy with money, You cannot buy with designer bags, you cannot
• 1:39:37
  fill with a nice car. So the devil will give you as
• 1:39:42
  much as he can within his limits to try to keep you as his.
• 1:39:47
  But at the end of the day, God will give you everything you
• 1:39:51
  actually need and desire at the end of the day.
• 1:39:53
  Because over here you're just filling a bunch of holes.
• 1:39:57
  And guess what? Holes keep like opening up
• 1:39:59
  randomly everywhere else and you just have to fill that hole and
• 1:40:02
  then fill that hole. You will spend your entire life
• 1:40:04
  filling holes with nothing until you meet Christ.
• 1:40:09
  And God fills every hole to the brim and heals every crack and
• 1:40:14
  crevice and goes everywhere in your mind to just open it up.
• 1:40:19
  To who he is and wow I have never in my life felt this kind
• 1:40:25
  of love where sometimes I'll just hear a worship song and I'm
• 1:40:29
  bursting in tears because I feel his love so radically.
• 1:40:34
  God gave me more than I've ever had in my entire life in a year.
• 1:40:38
  Like that's nuts to me. Crazy.
• 1:40:41
  I got an amazing husband. I have a wonderful family in law
• 1:40:44
  that just took me in like my family didn't, you know?
• 1:40:48
  So it's it's a beautiful thing, but you're worth it.
• 1:40:54
  You know, there's nothing you need to do to prove yourself.
• 1:40:57
  There's no popularity contest. Like it doesn't matter what
• 1:41:00
  humans like, what you think humans want of you.
• 1:41:04
  It will never amount to anything.
• 1:41:06
  It doesn't matter if you're a bazillionaire.
• 1:41:08
  It doesn't matter. Like God is everything you need
• 1:41:12
  every single day. Like he knows you inside and out
• 1:41:15
  like nobody else could. And he made you so perfectly in
• 1:41:19
  his eyes. Like if somebody would have told
• 1:41:22
  me years and years ago I was worth it and I didn't need that
• 1:41:27
  attention, but I needed God's attention and popularity, like
• 1:41:31
  Wow would have changed the game for me.
• 1:41:34
  Like truly, if I would have felt that kind of love for my family,
• 1:41:37
  if I would have felt that love with my relationship with God at
• 1:41:40
  the time and not just being in church hurt, like that's what I
• 1:41:45
  would have done. And I think a lot of girls are
• 1:41:47
  really sucked into the lie that like, jump on only fans, this is
• 1:41:50
  going to be the best ride of your life.
• 1:41:52
  You'll become rich, successful, famous.
• 1:41:54
  But guess what? There's so many girls out of
• 1:41:57
  that, millions of girls who don't ever make it.
• 1:41:59
  And guess what? You've already compromised
• 1:42:01
  yourself for a couple bucks and that's it.
• 1:42:04
  I know so many girls who jumped on, started selling nudes,
• 1:42:07
  started going into porn, made almost nothing and it's just out
• 1:42:10
  there for the rest of your life. The percentage of people
• 1:42:13
  actually getting famous on Only Fans is very small.
• 1:42:15
  Very. I was like radical case.
• 1:42:17
  And your message is even if you get maximally famous, make the
• 1:42:20
  most money you can possibly make, it's all nothing in the
• 1:42:23
  NT. It's nothing Earth you can keep
• 1:42:25
  for yourself because it all decays.
• 1:42:27
  It will all be eaten by moths, like the Bible says.
• 1:42:30
  Like it will be nothing. Everything around you will fall.
• 1:42:33
  So God is the only thing that should stand first and foremost
• 1:42:37
  in your life and in your heart. Like, wow, I wish I would have
• 1:42:41
  never jumped on only fans. Well, God used even the faults,
• 1:42:46
  right? Yeah.
• 1:42:47
  That's what So the early church fathers would talk about this
• 1:42:50
  happy fault idea, which is this idea of even that biting of the
• 1:42:55
  apple, right? Even our sins, you know, God
• 1:43:00
  works all things together for the good of those.
• 1:43:01
  I love him, I love him and Jesus Christ coming into the world,
• 1:43:05
  the gift of the incarnation is because of our sin.
• 1:43:09
  So in that sense, like we can say they say, oh, happy fault.
• 1:43:12
  And it sounds kind of crazy to say like, oh, thank God for my
• 1:43:15
  fall because you're not really glad for your fall, right?
• 1:43:18
  I'm not glad for our fault, but we're glad for the saving grace
• 1:43:21
  of Jesus Christ, Amen. And that because of our absolute
• 1:43:24
  need and our depravity, quite frankly, we have Jesus Christ,
• 1:43:28
  you know, God and fleshed to live, die and be resurrected for
• 1:43:33
  us. And here we are.
• 1:43:34
  Amen. What a gift, sister.
• 1:43:35
  You and me now we can't journey together towards heaven.
• 1:43:38
  I love it. Thank you, Nala, you're such.
• 1:43:40
  A. Beautiful soul, thank.
• 1:43:42
  You for just being so. Open, of course.
• 1:43:44
  Honestly, it makes me want to cry.
• 1:43:45
  I mean, I'm gonna, I might start to cry here, but it's just your
• 1:43:50
  openness and your willingness to talk about, yeah, your feelings
• 1:43:53
  up and down and your mistakes and everything like that is a
• 1:43:57
  that is a gift that you are giving people listening.
• 1:44:00
  And I really will pray that for all of the people who I think
• 1:44:03
  are deeply moved by you. I know we talked about haters
• 1:44:05
  and this and that, but the reality is you are a living
• 1:44:08
  testimony now to other women and men in our culture who are
• 1:44:12
  buying the lie that this world of promiscuity or porn or money
• 1:44:16
  or whatever it is, it's going to bring them happiness when God's
• 1:44:21
  order and most importantly God's saving love his his Son Jesus
• 1:44:25
  Christ is our is our source of all all good.
• 1:44:28
  He is. So thank you Nala, Of course.
• 1:44:30
  Thank you so much for having me. I'm so grateful.
• 1:44:32
  This was such a. Blessing to me.
• 1:44:33
  Yeah, me too. Thank you.
• 1:44:36
  And a huge thank you to EWTN. Eternal word.
• 1:44:38
  Television network, which is the largest religious broadcaster in
• 1:44:41
  the world. You can get access to Lila Rose
• 1:44:44
  Show episodes 24 hours in advance at ewtn.com.
• 1:44:49
  Slash on demand and a big thank you to EWTN and their incredible
• 1:44:52
  mission to bring souls to Jesus.