Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E144: How To Find Your Spouse w/Catholic Matchmaker Alessandra Conti

Transcript

E144: How To Find Your Spouse w/Catholic Matchmaker Alessandra Conti · The Lila Rose Show

• 0:00
  In 12 years we only have one divorce, which.
• 0:03
  How many couples? I mean hundreds, if not amazing.
• 0:07
  It's that piece of advice that brings them from going from one
• 0:11
  long relationship to the next into getting married.
• 0:16
  Men who are great at dating are typically not great at
• 0:19
  relationships. Men who are really good at
• 0:21
  dating are usually not really good at relationships.
• 0:23
  Yes, yes. OK.
• 0:28
  I really sorry I tangent a lot, so thank you for being
• 0:31
  reminding. Myself 'cause I do the same
• 0:32
  thing. And I love it.
• 0:34
  I love Italian winner. Yes, I'm Italian, didn't even.
• 0:37
  Talk about that. Oh.
• 0:38
  My gosh, you're Italian too? Yes, of course.
• 0:40
  OK, well. Alessandra Conti, welcome to the
• 0:42
  podcast. Thank you so much, Lila.
• 0:44
  It's so nice to be here. I'm very excited to talk to you
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  because you are so fun and doing such fascinating things.
• 0:51
  You are a matchmaker, but you're also a super faith filled woman.
• 0:55
  And I'll be honest, there have been many times over the last
• 0:58
  decade, especially since getting married five years ago, that I
• 1:01
  have wanted to do matchmaking for friends or just wish that
• 1:04
  there was more matchmakers to help all of these amazing single
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  people of faith, conservatives, whatever it is, find love.
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  So thank you for what you do. It's so wonderful.
• 1:15
  You, Lila. It's so nice to be here.
• 1:18
  And no, I'm so excited to meet you in person.
• 1:21
  I wanted to tell you how I found out about you.
• 1:24
  So I, I, you know, in the Catholic community, it's a very
• 1:28
  small Catholic community. And a a bunch of people kept
• 1:32
  telling me that I reminded them of Lila Rose and I was like.
• 1:37
  Oh. My gosh, I was like, so I looked
• 1:39
  you up and then I was like, oh, my goodness.
• 1:41
  Yeah. But I had to just say, I mean,
• 1:43
  I'm, I'm complimenting myself, but by saying go for it.
• 1:47
  But I was like, wow. And then of course, I, you know,
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  I just love what you do. Thank you.
• 1:52
  Yeah. Excited.
• 1:53
  Well, I would love to hear the whole story of Alessandra Conti
• 1:57
  and we're going to get into your advice for singles and dating,
• 2:01
  which I think is really important.
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  You actually know we're an inspiration for Rachel, who was
• 2:06
  on the podcast recently, Hoover Canto and her book on dating and
• 2:09
  people love that episode. But we're going to get into what
• 2:12
  you're looking for when you're having people that you're
• 2:14
  matching together and best practices for best dating
• 2:19
  successes and your just your whole journey.
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  It's really fascinating because what's so fascinating about you,
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  you're this lovely woman who is in Los Angeles, which is kind of
• 2:30
  a crazy city. I used to live there.
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  I left I'm I'm in a little less of a crazy area down South, but
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  you're in Los Angeles and you're working with all kinds of
• 2:39
  people, but you're living your faith unapologetically as a
• 2:42
  matchmaker. So there's so much to talk
• 2:44
  about. OK, let's start with a little
• 2:46
  bit about your background, Alessandra, and then how you
• 2:48
  started doing matchmaking. Yes.
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  No, absolutely. Yes.
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  I mean, I've, I've now been a professional matchmaker for 12
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  years. And so myself and my sister
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  who's also a devout Catholic, who I actually set up with her
• 3:02
  husband and now they've been married for like 6 or 7 years,
• 3:07
  which is amazing. But anyway, so we started our
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  company, we moved out to LA and we just hit the ground running
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  and we started our matchmaking firm and she was graduating with
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  her masters from Oxford and I had graduated from with my
• 3:24
  undergrad from American in DC. So we just, but we always, we
• 3:29
  had this really strong pull to LA and it's not, I mean, we only
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  knew what we saw on TV about LA. Like, it's not like we had spent
• 3:41
  a lot of time in Los Angeles, but we watched the Hills and
• 3:44
  Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which now so crazy that
• 3:49
  the circle of of things that I was on the last season, which
• 3:53
  was so Oh my. God, I want to hear more about
• 3:56
  that. So much fun.
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  It was such a blast. What an experience.
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  But yeah, I mean, so we, yeah, we hit the ground running and we
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  really started with one client and we knew that we were really
• 4:09
  talented at matchmaking. How did you know that?
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  First of all, how did you know you were talented at matchmaking
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  as a 20 year old? Yeah, yeah, I know.
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  We had always set up our friends.
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  So it was just we were known in the small town that we grew up
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  in as being like the go to matchmakers.
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  So for prom and even like before then for like the middle school
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  cool dances, we would say, Oh my gosh, Jessica, have you met
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  James? And we would, because you know,
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  when you're young and honestly, not that much has changed.
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  But the boys are on one side and the girls are on the other side
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  and you need that person that's kind of in the middle.
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  That's going to be like, oh, come up, come over here and come
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  dance with, you know, Jessica. So that was always us and we, I,
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  I mean, we have couples that are still together to this day from
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  when we met high school from high school, which is so wild.
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  So was that. Also like a sister bonding thing
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  where you and your sister would just connive together and bring
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  happiness to so many people. I don't know.
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  It was it was literally yes, it was that.
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  And we used to also do these little makeovers, which was so
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  much fun and like I, you know, I love all of I'm the girliest
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  girl ever. Like I have a clothes in my in
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  my home, which is like it's like a full closet and office.
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  And so yes, I'm like super girly girl.
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  But we would literally we would tell our girlfriends, okay, you
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  know, your hair looks amazing when you wear it down and like,
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  okay, do this little bit and that little bit.
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  And yeah, so it was, it was just a whole, it was a whole thing
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  that we did even even when we were young.
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  But let me. Guess you guys had like 50 best
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  friends, right? Everyone's like Alessandra and
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  her sister. They're my best friends.
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  We we had we had a really good, we just, we came from a really
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  wholesome neighborhood and just a wholesome upbringing.
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  Like it was very we had a good, I had a great grade.
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  I always say we had a great grade, but just really nice
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  kids. But yeah, I mean, when we then
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  moved, moved to LA, we knew, we we knew we were really talented
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  at this. And it's just, it's just our
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  gift. You know, some people have a
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  gift for, you know, singing and some people have a gift for, you
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  know, painting. But we have this gift.
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  It's a God-given gift that we're really good at matchmaking and
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  we're really great at bringing two people together and
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  understanding compatibility. And I think we were really great
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  at it, at it in a natural way. But then I mean, over now, it's
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  been 12 years. We now have a team of seven
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  matchmakers that work at our company.
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  Our office is in the middle of Beverly Hills, which is so much
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  fun. And especially for, you know,
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  me, it's a blast because I just I love, I love it.
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  But yeah, I mean, that's really the story.
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  And it it grew really organically.
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  I mean, we started with that one client and.
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  How did you find your first client for your LA matchmaking
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  company when you were 21? When you.
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  Were 21 I. Know well I have a sign out on
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  the street like I will marry you, I will get you married, I
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  will get you married. Husband hunters were right here.
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  Well, we actually, we would go to all of these different
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  events, but our very first client, we actually met at
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  church. We met at Good Shepherd, which
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  we were. I was just Good Shepherd, love
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  Good Shepherd. I was just telling you guys.
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  The beautiful Catholic Church in Beverly Hills.
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  In Beverly Hills and Jonathan Rumi, who was just on your show,
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  he also went to Good Shepherd as well around that same time.
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  But yeah, so we met our very first client there, but we we've
• 8:08
  always been very business minded as well.
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  So I think that there's, you know, somebody can be an amazing
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  matchmaker, much like somebody could be an amazing singer.
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  But if they don't know how to, if they don't know business, if
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  they're not able to or willing to put in the work where, you
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  know, you're starting a business from nothing, it's not going to
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  work out. You could have all the talent in
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  the world, but but yeah, so I mean, we, we met our very first
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  client, yes, at, at Good Shepherd of all places.
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  And then we really, so it was very interesting because we're,
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  we're from the East Coast. So the West Coast and
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  specifically the LA dating scene was so bizarrely different than
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  than the East Coast. The values, the mindset.
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  So our first client was 40 and she was a woman and she was
• 9:05
  Catholic and she only wanted to date a man who was able to get
• 9:09
  married in the Catholic Church. So, but in our minds, we were
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  like, oh, OK, she's 40. So therefore, you know, we're
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  going to look for men in their late mid to late 30s and maybe
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  early 40s. But then we learned that a lot
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  of those men want to date a lot younger because they want it.
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  They want marriage and children and.
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  Those men, as Catholic men, particularly the men who want to
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  get married in the Catholic Church, want to date a woman
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  that hopefully can be the mother of their children.
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  I yes, but the thing with her, her caveat was he didn't have to
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  be Catholic. He just had to be willing to get
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  married in a Catholic Church. So, but that's, I mean, that's
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  also the thing I think with sometimes with, with, you know,
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  Christian and Catholic dating to me, it's it the, you know, not
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  to insult our very first client who was lovely, but you know,
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  the, the, the values are, are really what we should be looking
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  for in match. We kind of learned this over
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  over 12 years. And so somebody could say, yeah,
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  I'm open. But that's, you know, we have to
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  peel back the layers. But anyway, yeah, so we we
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  started that way and then did. You find her a man.
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  We did. We found her an amazing, amazing
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  man. You know, I haven't checked in
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  on them, but I will say in 12 years we only have one divorce,
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  which. How many couples?
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  How many couples? I mean I I hundreds if not
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  amazing. That's an that is.
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  Yeah, that is an amazing track record, Alessandra.
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  Yeah, it's, I mean, but we have 7 matchmakers, so it's not just
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  me. So as our company has evolved,
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  I, my specialty is I love doing like the media.
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  It's so much fun for me. But also I tend to get a lot of
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  the public figures as clients and like the celebrities, but
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  just people who are in the public eye who are very
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  successful, sometimes strong Catholics, other times not
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  strong Catholics at all. So that's always fun.
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  And I don't even say that sarcastically.
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  Like it is, it's really fascinating to, you know, talk
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  to them in a secular way. But also like, I know everything
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  that I do is, is rooted in my faith and in my, in I, I have
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  to, I have to root myself. And that's the only way that
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  anything that I say is going to ring true because, you know, I I
• 11:42
  do have 12 years of experience. But ultimately, yeah, I mean, I
• 11:47
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• 11:52
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• 12:57
  So walk me through what the process looks like for
• 13:00
  matchmaking. Yeah, absolutely.
• 13:03
  So whoever. So the way that our company
• 13:07
  works is that we have a database which I think a lot of people
• 13:12
  here matchmaker or celebrity matchmaker and they get a little
• 13:15
  intimidated because they think that oh, like if I only work
• 13:20
  with the celebrities, therefore, oh, this isn't going to be a
• 13:22
  good fit for me. But I will say with our company,
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  we do have a team of seven matchmakers and we work with a
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  lot of young professionals and also a lot of young on Catholic
• 13:35
  professionals. We were just at the literally at
• 13:39
  the YCP conference and we did this huge matchmaking mixer and
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  it was wild. And we set up.
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  We had 400 attendees and we matched.
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  I think it was like 160. People, OK, hold on.
• 13:55
  I got to ask. All right, So by the way, you're
• 13:58
  like the answer to so many people's prayers, I'm sure.
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  I love what you do. I hear stories almost on the
• 14:02
  daily of people just struggling in this space and being married
• 14:06
  myself. I'm so grateful to God that I am
• 14:08
  not in the dating pool right now because it's so hard for so many
• 14:10
  people. And I've of course, I love my
• 14:12
  husband and he's the best man I've ever met.
• 14:14
  OK, when you had these 400 young Catholics at the YCP conference,
• 14:18
  I was there a couple years ago speaking or a few years ago.
• 14:20
  So love YCP. What did you what information
• 14:24
  did you get from them? Were you to be able to match 160
• 14:28
  of them? Well, I mean, the matches were
• 14:31
  Holy Spirit matches. That's what we called them.
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  Because it was not. I mean, we were not, you know,
• 14:36
  answering. Questions.
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  Did you have them like fill out a form?
• 14:39
  We we did it in a way. I mean, it was, it was a part of
• 14:42
  the mixer. So they had to find the, it was
• 14:45
  like a game and they had to find their match based on the
• 14:49
  questions that they were answering.
• 14:51
  And then each person had a match that had the little form.
• 14:54
  So it was a fun game it went. Questions were they answered?
• 14:57
  It was, it was like a bingo thing.
• 14:58
  So it wasn't like, no, it wasn't.
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  More just like speed. Dating.
• 15:02
  Yeah, it was just. I was like, wow, that's.
• 15:04
  It I know. Right of all heats and like
• 15:07
  right then and there. No, we literally called them
• 15:09
  Holy Spirit matches because it was not of us like it was.
• 15:13
  It was just. It was.
• 15:14
  It was very much. Chance, it was fun.
• 15:16
  It was just to get them to break the ice and to to talk.
• 15:19
  But I mean, you know, I learned. I always learn.
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  I learn every single day from the clients that we work with
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  and from, you know, the men and women that I date coach and that
• 15:29
  the other matchmakers date coach and matchmaking, the date
• 15:31
  feedback forms and all of this. But yeah, I think that people
• 15:36
  are really frustrated and people are just really when they when
• 15:42
  they come to a matchmaker or a dating coach, it's almost like
• 15:47
  they're like, I'm at my limit, like I've done everything.
• 15:52
  And the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and
• 15:56
  over, over and expecting different results.
• 15:58
  So they come to us and they're like, what am I doing wrong?
• 16:03
  And can you please help me? So I, I, you know, I, I hear a
• 16:09
  lot of frustration. A lot of people would just, a
• 16:14
  lot of them would prefer just tell me what to do, Like just
• 16:18
  tell me who I should be with and just make this easy for me.
• 16:23
  So we try to do that as much as possible.
• 16:26
  Obviously we don't tell them what to do, but for so database
• 16:30
  members, becoming a part of our database is very easy.
• 16:33
  However, they do have to meet with a matchmaker before we, you
• 16:37
  know, before, before we accept them and before.
• 16:39
  Because if it's not a good fit, we don't want to waste anyone's
• 16:42
  time, anyone's money. But they get into the database,
• 16:46
  which is only $200 for the year, which is very affordable even
• 16:50
  for a young, you know, a young budding professional.
• 16:54
  And then that makes them eligible to be matched with one
• 16:57
  of the priority members. So priority memberships begin at
• 17:01
  10,000. They go all the way up to like
• 17:03
  90,000 and plus, which that's though for the, you know, the
• 17:08
  moguls and the celebrities and the, you know, the, the, the,
• 17:13
  the men and women that want to only they have a very specific
• 17:17
  idea of who they want to work with.
• 17:20
  Usually me you. Know why wouldn't they?
• 17:24
  Who? Can blame them, you know, but
• 17:28
  for priority members, it's amazing because they're meeting
• 17:32
  a certain number of, we call them bachelors or bachelorettes.
• 17:36
  Over the course of the year, we as a team of matchmakers,
• 17:41
  interview, background check, social media check and sex
• 17:44
  offender search every single potential match that they're
• 17:47
  meeting. And then we have a membership
• 17:49
  manager that's then setting up all of their dates.
• 17:52
  So it's, it's really, it's really wonderful.
• 17:55
  And I mean, we work with a lot of Catholics and Christians, but
• 17:59
  we also work with a lot of Jewish men and women.
• 18:01
  And we work with, you know, even Muslim men and women.
• 18:04
  We work with agnostic and atheist.
• 18:06
  We work with all types of men and women.
• 18:10
  But but yeah, I mean, it's it really, it's a really just
• 18:14
  different and effective way. It's the opposite of the dating
• 18:18
  apps. What are you asking when people
• 18:20
  get into that database, what kind of information obviously
• 18:23
  you're checking out to make sure they're not a crazy person, a
• 18:25
  convict, you know, a felon or whatever else.
• 18:27
  But you're, you know, getting obviously I'm, I'm going to
• 18:30
  guess like their photo and things like that, but what kind
• 18:33
  of things are you getting in terms of determining
• 18:36
  compatibility or recommending, Oh, this person would love this
• 18:40
  one. Is it like, oh, they both like
• 18:41
  going on hikes. I think everyone in LA is like,
• 18:44
  I love hiking. There's like the one hiking
• 18:46
  trail in LA I'm going to go. I mean, there's more than that,
• 18:47
  but you know, I'm a hiker or I like to travel.
• 18:50
  You know, I think everyone, most people like to travel.
• 18:53
  Like what? How do you determine
• 18:54
  compatibility? Yes, that is such a good
• 18:56
  question. I mean, I know that with us,
• 18:59
  compatibility is, is I think the human element is such an
• 19:05
  important part of the matchmaking process because
• 19:09
  it's, you know, we're learning about somebody beyond just that
• 19:14
  they like hiking that, you know, they went to Duke that they, you
• 19:17
  know, they are, they have their PhD and they're this and they're
• 19:21
  that like we're learning their body language.
• 19:24
  We're learning the way that they're presenting themselves.
• 19:26
  We're learning what their value system is.
• 19:28
  We're learning if they've ever cheated in a relationship
• 19:30
  before, we're learning about, you know, what their triggers
• 19:33
  are in a, in a relationship. What worked in the past, what
• 19:36
  hasn't worked in the past, we're learning about about, you know
• 19:39
  what, who they're typically attracted to.
• 19:42
  And I know that for women and men, a lot of times what's
• 19:47
  keeping them single is their type.
• 19:50
  And they're so fixated on this type that this is who they're
• 19:57
  attracted to and they they're. Meaning like brown hair, blue
• 20:01
  eyes, 6 for finance Yeah, whatever it is, they they have
• 20:04
  to be a particular or they need tattoos and to be like a biker.
• 20:09
  I don't know. There there's a high, I find
• 20:12
  that there is for the, the amount of women and men that
• 20:17
  come in with such a they think that they have this perfect
• 20:22
  person ideal that they want to meet.
• 20:26
  And they, and if somebody is not fitting in that box absolutely
• 20:31
  perfectly, they then get they, they self sabotage.
• 20:35
  And even if that they are fitting in that box perfectly
• 20:38
  because we've, we've tried it all.
• 20:40
  So we know, OK, somebody could, could, could fit in that box
• 20:44
  perfectly. But there has to be, there has
• 20:49
  to be that core values that that, that really stronger,
• 20:54
  deeper compatibility, but also the way that people are dating
• 21:00
  and the way that they're when they're meeting each other on
• 21:03
  dates, that is a much better predictor of success.
• 21:09
  Then like once we've done our job and we figured out, OK, the
• 21:12
  three deal Breakers with us are do they want to get married?
• 21:14
  Did they want to have kids and is religion compatible?
• 21:18
  So if those three deal Breakers are there, amazing.
• 21:21
  That's they have to be there. Those are our absolute deal
• 21:23
  Breakers. Beautiful.
• 21:25
  But then other elements such as, does the guy like hiking?
• 21:29
  OK, great, he likes hiking. She doesn't like hiking.
• 21:32
  It's fine. It doesn't mean it's not a
• 21:34
  match, but those fundamentals are there.
• 21:37
  But then this, these other elements are the life lifestyle.
• 21:41
  How are you living your life? You know, what are your what are
• 21:44
  you prioritizing? What is your vision for the
• 21:47
  future? What is your purpose?
• 21:48
  What are your goals like? Those elements should be aligned
• 21:52
  as well. But when what we found is it's
• 21:58
  really the, I think the biggest predictor of success is when
• 22:03
  they're actually on the dates and when they're meeting each
• 22:06
  other and the energy that they're bringing when they're
• 22:10
  going on their dates. So, you know, that's why date
• 22:16
  coaching is really essential and important.
• 22:19
  What is that date coaching? Yeah.
• 22:21
  So date coaching is basically where, where they, the client or
• 22:26
  the database member or whatever, the bachelor, The Bachelorette,
• 22:29
  they're meeting one-on-one with one of the matchmakers and they
• 22:33
  are learning about basically how if they're, if they've developed
• 22:39
  ineffective habits in the way that they're dating, it's
• 22:42
  figuring out, OK, how are you presenting on a date?
• 22:45
  And let's tweak these habits just a little bit so that you're
• 22:50
  presenting in a different way. Because you know, for a lot of
• 22:54
  women, when they go on a date, a lot of times it's a very it, it
• 22:58
  can feel a lot like an interview and men as well, first dates a
• 23:02
  lot of times can be, can give interview vibes, which is not,
• 23:09
  it's not, it's not effective for developing any kind of romantic
• 23:15
  rapport. So we like an example, we teach
• 23:20
  vacation dating. So it's like pretend like you're
• 23:23
  going on vacation when you're you're going on a date, just
• 23:26
  pretend like you're going on vacation.
• 23:29
  Put your little vacation playlist on, you know, really
• 23:32
  get in that vibe when you get in the Uber, just be like, wow, I
• 23:35
  am heading to Italy right now. This is so exciting.
• 23:39
  This is so wonderful. And make the goal of the date to
• 23:44
  have an enjoyable evening and to just enjoy the company of
• 23:49
  meeting somebody new and not the goal to be.
• 23:54
  Let me ask them my very specific list of questions of, you know,
• 23:58
  exactly, you know, how many sisters and brothers do you
• 24:01
  have? You know, how many, what's your
• 24:03
  highest level of education? So it's instead of bringing in
• 24:08
  that energy, that playful energy, that vacation energy
• 24:13
  that you know is, is really effective.
• 24:17
  When they're going on these dates initially, are you they?
• 24:20
  Do they already have those questions answered about this?
• 24:23
  Is the persons educational background yadda yadda or is it
• 24:25
  a blind setup? Well, so with us, it's they get
• 24:30
  a small date or bio before they go on the date.
• 24:32
  And some have photo share, some don't have photo share.
• 24:35
  So it's, it's either some do, some don't, some go, you know,
• 24:39
  without seeing a photo, which I actually think is a, a more
• 24:45
  effective way of meeting somebody, especially through a
• 24:48
  matchmaker, even though a lot of people disagree.
• 24:52
  But I mean, I've seen so many men that are amazing guys who
• 24:59
  have horrible online dating profile photos.
• 25:04
  Like they have mirror pictures and they like, or they're, you
• 25:09
  know, they're, they're the fish. The the fish.
• 25:12
  Have you heard about this fish thing?
• 25:15
  Like all of these men have fish in their photos and women are
• 25:19
  not about the fish. You know guys, stop using the
• 25:22
  fish. Or even the idea of a selfie.
• 25:25
  The problem with the mirror photo or a selfie for a guy is a
• 25:28
  kind of like signal something not very attractive in and of
• 25:30
  itself. Yeah, so that already.
• 25:33
  But the poor guy, he's just like, I need a dumb photo for my
• 25:35
  dating app. Like, I have a brother who's in
• 25:36
  the dating market right now and he's like sending me his profile
• 25:39
  information. Like, what do you think, sis?
• 25:41
  And you know, I'm like, OK, giving him the feedback.
• 25:44
  But yeah, it's hard, you know, like take a picture of myself.
• 25:47
  It it feels awkward, I think for guys.
• 25:49
  And I think that signals through the dating app.
• 25:52
  Yeah, definitely. And yeah, I mean, I, I think for
• 25:56
  men, what I would recommend is, and I recommend this for men and
• 26:00
  for women, always photos are essential.
• 26:04
  Like if you are. And even though I'm the
• 26:06
  matchmaker, I own a matchmaking company.
• 26:07
  Of course, I'm a big believer. Diversify your dating portfolio.
• 26:11
  Matchmaking is amazing and wonderful, however it's not for
• 26:14
  everybody. Like we work with, you know,
• 26:17
  successful professionals. If you're not yet there in your
• 26:20
  career, then it's probably not the right fit.
• 26:22
  And that's OK. It doesn't have to be.
• 26:24
  But but even if you are working with a matchmaker, I'm a big
• 26:29
  believer in utilizing the dating apps, but you have to utilize
• 26:33
  them very strategically. So photos, like everyone says,
• 26:36
  oh, men are visual creatures, so are women and women have to be
• 26:41
  very discerning on the dating apps and you have a very quick,
• 26:45
  you don't have a lot of time to make a really good impression.
• 26:48
  So for men, exactly if you have a sister or even if you have a
• 26:53
  female friend or even somebody that you just admire in your
• 26:57
  community, or you can always hire a dating coach or a
• 27:00
  matchmaker. We're more than happy to help if
• 27:02
  you don't want to do this. But I, I love, I love it when I,
• 27:07
  I coached men to say, hey, you know, I, you know, Lila, would
• 27:11
  you look at my, would you look at my dating profile?
• 27:14
  Here are some photos that I have.
• 27:15
  What do you think? What do you think about this?
• 27:19
  Also, getting a professional photo shoot taken, if that is
• 27:23
  financially doable, 100% go for it.
• 27:27
  That's your photos. Are you, it's, it's the way
• 27:31
  you're presenting yourself For men, suits are great.
• 27:35
  And even if they're in a friend's wedding or something
• 27:37
  like that, just take a solo shot, you know, be like, hey,
• 27:39
  would you mind taking a solo shot of me and getting that?
• 27:44
  But also for women, we say doing a professional photo shoot is
• 27:49
  wonderful, but also getting setting aside 1/2 a day where
• 27:54
  you invite a friend over and say, listen, I will bring you to
• 27:57
  dinner or brunch as a thank you. But I need you to help me take
• 28:02
  some dating profile photos and have a couple outfits and really
• 28:08
  take make it seriously and present yourself in in the way
• 28:13
  that you want to be presented. And I also find that with women,
• 28:18
  a lot of times with their dating photos, I think they can be very
• 28:22
  well meaning. But I also think that sometimes
• 28:26
  a woman will put on like a bikini photo and she'll just
• 28:30
  kind of ignorantly like, and in innocently, like I said, not in
• 28:34
  a not in a way of anything other than, oh, I look great.
• 28:38
  This photo and you know, it was here.
• 28:40
  I was on vacation. It was so much fun.
• 28:42
  But when you're putting out a bikini photo, you're then going
• 28:47
  to attract the wrong kind of men.
• 28:51
  So it's important to, to, to really look at it, look at your
• 28:55
  profile objectively and think, OK, what am I presenting here?
• 29:01
  Am I presenting that I'm out at the club every night that I'm,
• 29:04
  you know, in bikini photos And but yet I'm looking for my
• 29:07
  husband or you know, what am I presenting?
• 29:11
  Am I presenting, you know, I'm in a beautiful little dress and,
• 29:14
  and you know, smiling and all of that.
• 29:17
  Then red is also a wonderful color for both men and women.
• 29:20
  Studies have shown that red on dating apps really yields high
• 29:24
  success. Oh, wow, that's a that's a great
• 29:27
  freebie. Thanks, Ella.
• 29:28
  Sandra. Anytime, anytime.
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  your order. There's so many questions I have
• 30:46
  and I know people listening, especially if they're single or
• 30:48
  they want to help their single friends.
• 30:50
  There's probably questions that are popping up in people's minds
• 30:52
  I'm going to do my best at and asking them and getting those
• 30:55
  answers. So first of all, you said that
• 30:57
  you had such a high, I mean, it's a very high success rate
• 30:59
  that you have, which is amazing. Have you run into having people
• 31:04
  who were seeking matchmaking services and complaining about
• 31:08
  beings single B too picky Because I asked this and I'll
• 31:13
  just provide context here. One of the things I've observed
• 31:16
  among complaints among women and then some complaints among men.
• 31:21
  It's funny. They both kind of complain.
• 31:22
  The opposite complain about the same thing is oh, I I can't find
• 31:27
  anyone. They're just they're not the men
• 31:30
  are not interested in asking women out.
• 31:32
  They all want this like perfect girl that doesn't exist.
• 31:36
  And then I think the men are just like, oh, they're not
• 31:38
  interested in me because they all want the perfect man who
• 31:40
  doesn't exist. Yeah, this is, it's a daily
• 31:45
  struggle. Like it is genuinely a daily
• 31:48
  struggle. Even yesterday we had a
• 31:50
  Bachelorette who, you know, we've set up with these
• 31:53
  incredible men, incredible men, and she just, you know, went in
• 31:57
  another wonderful date with a really phenomenal guy and her
• 32:02
  feedback was that you've been setting me up with unattractive
• 32:06
  men. And we're like this.
• 32:08
  I mean, all of these men have been, you know, not that height
• 32:12
  is you make somebody attractive or not, but she's a taller girl.
• 32:16
  So we set her up with men that are 6 foot plus, like they, you
• 32:19
  know, work out. They're not bad, not physically
• 32:22
  in but but this is so I I was very frustrated, but this is a
• 32:29
  daily. This is a daily thing.
• 32:31
  So it's her complaint. I don't feel attracted to them
• 32:34
  or more they're not attractive enough.
• 32:36
  I think there's a difference. Yeah, yeah, she's saying they're
• 32:39
  not attractive enough. But I think the core of it is I
• 32:43
  don't feel attracted to this person because a lot of times
• 32:47
  men who are great at dating are typically not great at
• 32:51
  relationships. It takes a very different.
• 32:54
  Step such a powerful point I just made I want to capture that
• 32:57
  really quick Men who are really good at dating are usually not
• 32:59
  really good at relationships. Yes, yes and then who are good
• 33:02
  at relationships are sometimes struggle and dating.
• 33:05
  Most of the time, I would venture to say as a matchmaker
• 33:08
  for 12 years, men who are great at dating are typically they're
• 33:13
  just not good. And the good guys are typically
• 33:17
  not great at dating. They're awkward.
• 33:19
  They, they say the wrong things. They don't know all of the the.
• 33:24
  Moves or whatever. Exactly.
• 33:27
  And so to me, it's actually a really big red flag when a woman
• 33:33
  is has just an amazing first date and she's just interesting.
• 33:38
  Oh my gosh, she was amazing. We just have this.
• 33:41
  If I hear like we have the soul connection, I'm like red flag,
• 33:44
  red flag, red flag, abort mission or did not abort
• 33:48
  mission, but trust but verify. And you want to keep dating that
• 33:52
  man because men who men are, there are a lot of guys,
• 33:57
  especially when you're using dating apps, They have developed
• 34:01
  a strong skill set at going from AB to C and AB and C is not, I
• 34:10
  mean, it's sleeping with a woman.
• 34:11
  This is what even if, and I think that also a big
• 34:15
  misconception is that, oh all because a guy is Christian or
• 34:18
  Catholic, that doesn't mean that he's going to respect a woman's
• 34:22
  boundaries physically. This is it's this is the
• 34:25
  reality. It's you know, every man that a
• 34:27
  guy could be going to daily mass, but he could also be
• 34:31
  saying, you know what, the one thing I don't have to, I don't
• 34:34
  have to wait. You know, we don't have to wait
• 34:36
  physically, we can just sleep. And you've run into that so
• 34:40
  hypocrisy it is so. Frequent.
• 34:43
  So sad. It is so sad, it is so frequent
• 34:46
  and, but, but I think that that's where women can come in
• 34:51
  and also men can. Men can, you know, get a little
• 34:54
  better with this, but I, I think that for a woman, that's why
• 35:01
  dating is so important and allowing somebody to unfold is
• 35:05
  so important. And that's why we always say
• 35:08
  unless you are repulsed by a man on a first date, because
• 35:12
  repulsion is very difficult to come back from.
• 35:15
  But unless you are repulsed, give the guy a second date, give
• 35:21
  him a second date and then you had a nice time.
• 35:24
  Take the pressure off unless you are repulsed.
• 35:27
  And also this is given that we've done our due diligence or
• 35:32
  the woman has, you know, run a quick background check.
• 35:35
  And there are a lot of websites that women can use if they're
• 35:38
  not working with a matchmaker that's doing background checks.
• 35:41
  I really highly recommend to all women to get a BeenVerified,
• 35:46
  which is it's an easy website. You type a guy's phone number in
• 35:50
  and then it will bring up if he has any criminal charges or
• 35:53
  anything like that. But it's, it is really
• 35:56
  important. Like I, I mean, I've, I've been
• 35:58
  doing this 12 years and background checks are essential.
• 36:01
  You have to background check anybody that you're dating.
• 36:04
  But once you've done that addition initial initial work,
• 36:09
  it's then it's then allowing, you know, it's allowing the
• 36:13
  person to evolve in the in the dating, in in dating.
• 36:18
  And a lot of times also love bombing is a very real thing.
• 36:23
  And we have a client that this amazing Bachelorette, so lovely
• 36:29
  and she had, she was talking to this guy beforehand before they
• 36:35
  they met for a date and they were texting, they were texting
• 36:38
  every single day and really just bonding via text.
• 36:43
  And then the first date happens and she was like, I felt like I
• 36:47
  met my husband and then he pressured her to have sex.
• 36:51
  He pressured her physically and she had a couple drinks.
• 36:55
  So she said, you know what, who cares?
• 36:58
  So she ends up sleeping with him and now, I mean, it's now been a
• 37:02
  couple days and she hasn't heard from him.
• 37:04
  We did not set her up with this man.
• 37:06
  But this is so common when you're meeting men on apps, they
• 37:10
  build this false sense of, of, of bonding and this false sense
• 37:16
  of intimacy. And then they become intimate
• 37:18
  and then. They ghost.
• 37:19
  Her they ghost. That is actually there was a
• 37:22
  study done. I I remember, I'm trying to
• 37:23
  remember which podcast I was listening to who the guest was,
• 37:26
  but he was explaining how they've actually done studies on
• 37:29
  this and on the men on dating apps that get most of the women
• 37:33
  is this very small percentage of men.
• 37:36
  And they're the ones who know how to game the system.
• 37:38
  They don't have the best intentions and then they are
• 37:41
  getting the most dates, but they're just going through these
• 37:43
  women one after the next. And then you have a lot of these
• 37:46
  decent good guys on the dating app, but they don't know how to
• 37:49
  work the system. They maybe don't know how to
• 37:50
  take the picture, don't know how to match well.
• 37:52
  And they're actually guys that are decent, but they're not
• 37:55
  getting matches And you know, they're frustrated.
• 37:57
  And then of course, the whole so a lot of women are frustrated
• 38:00
  because they're not finding someone that they can really
• 38:02
  make a life with. 100 percent, 100%.
• 38:06
  And yeah, I mean, we, we've seen this for so many years.
• 38:11
  Something though, that I am really excited about that I
• 38:16
  think women are kind of smartening up to this.
• 38:20
  What would the word be? Smartening, wisening, wisening
• 38:23
  up. I think women are wisening up to
• 38:25
  this. And I love this new celibacy
• 38:29
  movement. I, I mean, I'm, I'm sure you've
• 38:31
  heard of this. We love celibacy.
• 38:34
  We have a lot of religious people.
• 38:36
  I like like priests and religious on the podcast and
• 38:38
  they are obviously celibate for life.
• 38:40
  But yeah, I let, I mean don't be be celibate unless it's with
• 38:43
  your spouse. Yeah.
• 38:45
  Great plan. And I, I think it's also a lot
• 38:48
  of women think that, oh, all because I, you know, I'm not a
• 38:52
  virgin. Why I don't need to practice
• 38:55
  this. I don't know.
• 38:55
  I'm, I'm just going to kind of keep doing things the way that
• 38:58
  I've been doing things, but it's not effective.
• 39:01
  Why is it not effective to sleep with someone when you're dating
• 39:04
  them? Absolutely.
• 39:05
  So I mean, studies have shown that when women sleep with the
• 39:09
  men, they release oxytocin, which they've released this huge
• 39:14
  spike of oxytocin. And this is what happens when
• 39:16
  you have a baby and when you bond with the child.
• 39:19
  These are the hormones. They are so strong.
• 39:22
  So when a woman has sex with a man, she's releasing all these
• 39:26
  hormones and now she is bonded to this guy, even if the date
• 39:30
  didn't even go very well and she doesn't even really like the
• 39:33
  guy. It's and this is this is a huge
• 39:36
  issue issue. So before she sleeps with him,
• 39:39
  she's thinking very clearly. But then after she sleeps with
• 39:42
  him, she is hijacked by hormones.
• 39:45
  So and men, The thing is when men sleep with women, they
• 39:50
  release a cocktail of other hormones, but it's not oxytocin.
• 39:55
  And actually studies have been done that show how men fall in
• 39:59
  love. And it's actually in the absence
• 40:03
  of having sex, they really, they need to hit a certain peak of
• 40:08
  vasopressin. And this is that.
• 40:11
  This is a hormone. It has to hit a level in order
• 40:15
  for them to then fall in love, but the only way that they can.
• 40:18
  Hit this level is if they're not having sex with the woman.
• 40:23
  So it's kind of this like women have been fed this lie.
• 40:29
  They've been fed this lie that is that is keeping them single,
• 40:34
  keeping them traumatized by going through, you know, so
• 40:38
  many, you know, really intense, intense experiences.
• 40:44
  But I our role is and it is, you know, it is a role, we say no
• 40:49
  sex until monogamy at the minimum, at the minimum because
• 40:53
  we don't only work with Catholic men and women.
• 40:55
  So we can't be like no sex until marriage.
• 40:57
  We would have like, you know, less clients, even though, I
• 41:00
  mean, you know, more and more women that are not even super
• 41:04
  religious are, are inviting that into their lives.
• 41:09
  But yeah, I mean, I think a woman that is a born again
• 41:12
  virgin or that is, you know, says, you know what, I'm going
• 41:16
  to do things differently. We've seen more successes with
• 41:21
  like objectively speaking with those women in 12 years.
• 41:25
  Sometimes it's that piece of advice that brings them from
• 41:30
  being going from one long relationship to the next into
• 41:36
  getting married and getting their ultimate meeting that
• 41:39
  person and being clear and being able to let go of those men that
• 41:45
  don't have good intentions, that are only looking for a physical
• 41:48
  connection or that just don't want to marry them.
• 41:51
  And they're enjoying the physical connection.
• 41:53
  They're enjoying their company, but they're that's not their
• 41:56
  wife. So I think that there's a lot of
• 41:59
  hope. Even if a woman is not a virgin,
• 42:02
  you can be born again. I mean, be born again.
• 42:05
  I think that that is a beautiful thing.
• 42:07
  And we've just seen objectively so many successes with women
• 42:12
  that that that do this. I think it's such a good point.
• 42:16
  I mean, it's and you're, you're sharing it in such a relatable
• 42:18
  way because it's even separate from the moral law of, you know,
• 42:23
  sex is designed for marriage. There's a reason beyond behind
• 42:26
  the moral law. It's a reason that's built into
• 42:28
  even our bodies, like you're saying.
• 42:30
  And we want people to be happy and we want them to be free and
• 42:35
  loved and to be able to love. And I think it's very powerful
• 42:38
  to consider that a lot of women are running into these
• 42:41
  situations where and and men, they're in these long term
• 42:44
  relationships. You say there's not commitment
• 42:47
  for life, there's not openness to life, children.
• 42:50
  And you spend your 20s this way, you get into your 30s this way
• 42:53
  and you wake up and you're like, I want to be married, I want
• 42:56
  kids. But you've spent years in these
• 42:59
  long time relationships, sometimes living together,
• 43:02
  sexually active. You're all bonded up.
• 43:04
  Bonded up, but it's not bonded. But it's a fake relationship
• 43:09
  because you're pair bonded, but you can't rely on that bond.
• 43:13
  You're not committed for life. And then also there's a children
• 43:16
  dynamic where a lot of these women, they want, they've always
• 43:19
  thought, yeah, I'll have it. I want kids.
• 43:21
  Or, you know, I'd like to consider that.
• 43:23
  And then they're in their 30s and they're worried all of a
• 43:25
  sudden, can I find this man? Like, can I have children?
• 43:28
  Do you have a lot of clients who are worried about their
• 43:31
  fertility and the ability to have children?
• 43:33
  We tend to get successful women and a lot of successful women in
• 43:39
  there. Typically our age range begins
• 43:42
  for clients at around 28 and then all the way up to like
• 43:48
  4041. That's really the strongest.
• 43:51
  That's where we have the most female clients.
• 43:54
  Men skew a little bit older. However, we do get men that are
• 43:58
  very marriage minded and they're in their 20s.
• 44:01
  They can be in their 20s and 30s.
• 44:04
  It's fine. But generally speaking,
• 44:06
  especially in a major city like LA, you tend to get the men and
• 44:12
  women feel that, that they're ready once their career is
• 44:15
  settled. And then they're like, then they
• 44:17
  were looking around and they're like, well, where's my husband?
• 44:20
  Where's my wife? Where is she?
• 44:22
  You know, I've been doing it in this way and it hasn't been
• 44:25
  working. So yes, we do get a lot of women
• 44:29
  that once they hit, I would say like 353637 they, they are, they
• 44:39
  do have the fertility is on the forefront.
• 44:44
  And then the, then the, the pressure is a bit greater
• 44:48
  because you're, I mean, you're dating with the intention of
• 44:51
  marriage and the goal. But I think a lot of women in
• 44:56
  their 20s, when you say you're dating with the intention of
• 44:59
  marriage, a lot of them are not dating with the intention of
• 45:02
  marriage, just in a in the society, in a secular society.
• 45:05
  That's because a lot of women in their 20s, they think we have
• 45:08
  all the time in the world and they're having fun.
• 45:10
  I mean, I have heard some people say like this is actually a
• 45:13
  great time to be a woman in terms of your career options are
• 45:17
  endless. Your educational options are
• 45:18
  endless. Everyone draw raw girl boss, you
• 45:21
  do you whatever you want to do. And so you can kind of have
• 45:23
  this, this whole the world is my oyster mentality.
• 45:26
  But then at the same time you hit your 30s like you're saying,
• 45:29
  and you're, you're a lot of these women are struggling.
• 45:31
  What's your advice? Do you think women should be
• 45:34
  much more open to love in their 20s if they if they see
• 45:37
  themselves getting married and not be waiting and waiting and
• 45:40
  waiting? I think that everyone has their
• 45:42
  own journey. However, if you want to
• 45:48
  experience the least amount of trauma in your 20s, I think
• 45:53
  shifting the mindset from dating to date and to have fun to
• 46:00
  dating with the intention of marriage and dating in a way
• 46:04
  that is honoring your boundaries.
• 46:08
  And that is, is really, you know, if a man is showing that
• 46:13
  he's not a potential, if you can't see this man as your
• 46:17
  future husband, and if he lacks these qualities that are
• 46:21
  essential for your future husband, it's getting out of
• 46:24
  that situation. I, I, I'm a big believer in
• 46:29
  encouraging women in their 20s to date intentionally.
• 46:32
  I, I also, I feel like women kind of fall in between the a
• 46:38
  girl boss and a trad wife. And I think a lot of women are
• 46:43
  kind of in the middle because I think a lot of women have these
• 46:46
  really strong inclinations for both sides.
• 46:50
  And I, and I don't think that that's bad.
• 46:54
  And I, I, so I'm, I'm a big believer in as long as you know,
• 46:59
  a woman is, it is intentionally dating and is living in her
• 47:04
  values. But at first you need to know
• 47:07
  what your values are and you need to know what your
• 47:10
  boundaries are. And you need to set those, set
• 47:13
  those guidelines and limits before you even start meeting
• 47:16
  men and start inviting that romance into your life because
• 47:20
  it's very easy to get swept away.
• 47:23
  But then the next thing, you know, like we were talking
• 47:25
  about, you're in this relationship with a man that is
• 47:29
  not respecting you, that has, is not, you know, close to God.
• 47:35
  He's, you know, close to somebody else.
• 47:38
  And and then you feel, whoa, what is going on?
• 47:42
  I I need to really shift gears? Love your neighbor.
• 47:46
  It's a command that's been given to us, and for hundreds of
• 47:49
  years, loving your neighbor through healthcare was an
• 47:52
  important part of living out your faith.
• 47:54
  In fact, healthcare in general was done by neighbors coming
• 47:58
  together to support each other and ensure that each other's
• 48:01
  needs are met. This is one of the reasons that
• 48:02
  I I love Crowd Health. Instead of relying on an
• 48:05
  insurance company who may or may not pay for the bill, Crowd
• 48:08
  Health allows you to crowdfund so that your neighbors that you
• 48:12
  are in a community with can help fund those bills.
• 48:15
  What's amazing is that Crowd Health has funded over 5000
• 48:18
  medical bills in just the last two years.
• 48:21
  Crowd Health is your solution to the insurance companies and the
• 48:25
  big pharma companies that have created so much dissatisfaction
• 48:28
  in the healthcare world. The Crowd Health service team is
• 48:31
  there for you to help you with your medical bills, help
• 48:34
  negotiate the best deal with the service provider, and then help
• 48:37
  you crowdfund through the community to ensure that your
• 48:40
  bills get covered. Take for example, a young woman
• 48:43
  in Tennessee who is 19 years old and who lost her fingers in a
• 48:46
  tragic boating accident. Crowd Health got the medical
• 48:49
  bills, negotiated them, and then went to the funding community.
• 48:52
  Her bills were completely covered by the Crowd Health
• 48:55
  funding community. Whether it's accidents like this
• 48:57
  one, everything from babies and NICU to brain tumors, the Crowd
• 49:01
  Health community is designed to support your neighbor when they
• 49:05
  are in need. What's so powerful about this
• 49:06
  Healthcare is that it's done voluntarily through the
• 49:09
  principle of loving one's neighbor by all of the people
• 49:12
  who are bought into the system. Keep in mind, Crowd Health is
• 49:15
  not insurance. It's a system to better love
• 49:18
  your neighbor and experience a community in
• 49:20
  helpingyouwithyourhealthcare.learnmore@joincrowdhealth.com. That's join Crowd health.com.
• 49:26
  And if you Sign up today using the code Live Lila, you'll get
• 49:28
  your first three months for only $99.
• 49:31
  Join crowd health.com, use the code Lila to get your first
• 49:35
  three months for only $99. What do you think about?
• 49:38
  I've heard a complaint from a lot of single friends about men.
• 49:41
  You talked about how these women are, you know, not they're being
• 49:45
  basically too picky about just physical appearance stuff and
• 49:47
  they're not getting to know the guy and giving it some space and
• 49:50
  time. What about men?
• 49:52
  Because I heard the complaint about men that again, these men
• 49:55
  want this perfect, ideal woman. She has to be 25, a billionaire
• 50:01
  and super hot. You know, that's like, again,
• 50:04
  this is a stereotype. But what is your take on that?
• 50:07
  I think that that I I see this very frequently.
• 50:12
  However, I've learned as a matchmaker that it is completely
• 50:17
  like a defense mechanism almost, and that when you present,
• 50:22
  because early on we would just say, oh, this is what you want,
• 50:25
  OK, We have so many girls like this, it's wonderful.
• 50:27
  We're in LA. It's the land of models and
• 50:30
  actresses who are beautiful and lovely and all of this.
• 50:33
  But then we learned that it doesn't matter how beautiful or
• 50:41
  or objectively a woman is, it's the way that the woman makes the
• 50:45
  man feel. So it's about like for women
• 50:48
  that are like, Oh my gosh, well, I'm not a model.
• 50:50
  I'm not this, I'm not that. Be not afraid if you go into a
• 50:55
  date with warmth and with a with with kindness and with
• 51:00
  femininity. That is what men are really
• 51:05
  looking for. They OK, wonderful, she's an
• 51:08
  attractive woman. Great.
• 51:11
  Like we've learned, yes, men, they need to be attracted to the
• 51:14
  woman. The woman needs to be attractive
• 51:15
  to the men. But we've set up, you know, non
• 51:19
  warm and non feminine, I guess, like objectively perfect looking
• 51:27
  people and we're like, wait, what went wrong?
• 51:30
  And it was that that was lacking.
• 51:32
  So it was that that was lacking. And then the guy were like,
• 51:35
  what's what's really at the root of this?
• 51:37
  So yes, they so I think that men can shift their mindset and men
• 51:42
  look for that energy, that warmth, that femininity.
• 51:47
  And of course, you want to be physically attracted to the
• 51:49
  person that's essential, you know, you have to be, but also,
• 51:54
  you know, that that's why dating apps are so, and that's why I'm
• 51:57
  not a big, I'm not a big fan of like photos and all of that.
• 52:01
  Because, you know, if you just saw, you know, people that
• 52:04
  you've been attracted to in photos, you could be like, Oh,
• 52:08
  well, they look quite different. And some people they look
• 52:11
  similar, but it's about that person and their body language
• 52:14
  and the way that they're, you know, the way that they're
• 52:17
  interacting and. You know how it is, the way they
• 52:20
  make you feel? Yes, yes.
• 52:22
  I think men want to feel that there's respect and appreciation
• 52:26
  and warmth and they want to see some warmth and loveliness.
• 52:30
  Not so much in just perfect physicality, but I mean, there's
• 52:33
  a very biological thing going on there.
• 52:34
  Like, is this going to be a woman that is going to be warm
• 52:37
  and loving and empathetic and nurturing for children that I'm
• 52:40
  going to entrust her with and she's going to trust me with?
• 52:43
  Like, that's a big deal. And I think that's, at a
• 52:46
  psychological level very profound for, like, good men
• 52:49
  looking to find a way from wanting to get married.
• 52:51
  Yes, and this is also why I think in society right now, it's
• 52:56
  it's just it's it's complicated because you know, women are
• 53:01
  being fed so many different messages like the messaging to
• 53:05
  woman to women is so confusing. It's just so confusing and to
• 53:11
  men, it's so confusing. And I just think it's such a
• 53:14
  disservice when we don't when we don't say, you know, when we
• 53:19
  don't acknowledge the major differences between men and
• 53:24
  women. Obviously this is a much bigger
• 53:26
  conversation. But I think in the context of
• 53:28
  matchmaking to me, I mean, I've been doing this for 12 years.
• 53:33
  Men have a very different way of interacting, of dating, of being
• 53:39
  than women do. And I think when, when as a
• 53:42
  society, if we just pretend like everyone's the same and they're
• 53:47
  no major differences and oh, it's just whatever, then I think
• 53:50
  it does people a really big disservice when they're trying
• 53:53
  to date and when they're, you know, when they're learning
• 53:56
  about, you know, how can I, how can I, you know it?
• 54:01
  How can I not make this person like me?
• 54:03
  Because that shouldn't be the goal of the date, But how can I
• 54:06
  connect with a man romantically? Because society is like, and,
• 54:11
  but it's like, well, you know, lean into that, you know,
• 54:13
  playful nature, relax, you know, be in a receptive light.
• 54:18
  So it's leaning into that femininity that I think is is
• 54:22
  really big. What's the craziest matchmaking
• 54:25
  story that you can share? You know, I used to have a
• 54:28
  different answer to this, but I had a very big, probably one of
• 54:35
  the most famous clients that I've ever worked with, like.
• 54:38
  How famous. Are we like beyond a like beyond
• 54:41
  the the the he was my favorite actor.
• 54:45
  Like if I would say like somebody living or dead, who
• 54:47
  would you have dinner with? It would be him and I just
• 54:52
  adored him so much. He passed away last year.
• 54:56
  He's very well known. And I'm, I have an NDA so
• 54:59
  unfortunately I can't talk about it and that experience.
• 55:02
  But for me, that was such a life changing experience in so many
• 55:08
  ways because I learned, I've worked with celebrities before.
• 55:12
  I have, but you know, I learned about how isolating it is, you
• 55:17
  know, being somebody that is a household name and everybody
• 55:21
  knows. I also learned how essential
• 55:24
  love is. And I actually, you know, found
• 55:29
  him love at the end of his life. And it was a Holy Spirit moment
• 55:33
  for sure, because we had been working together for many
• 55:36
  months. And then finally I just had
• 55:40
  this. I had this like this this.
• 55:44
  Inspiration. Inspiration and I was like, I
• 55:46
  need to find him his wife immediately.
• 55:48
  Like I don't have time. And I'd always felt that push,
• 55:52
  but not at this level. So literally a week before he
• 55:57
  passed and it was very unexpected when he passed, but
• 56:00
  he told me he was like, this is the one like you.
• 56:03
  This is this is my girl. Like this.
• 56:05
  You found her. No more women.
• 56:06
  We're good. Like my last text to him was
• 56:08
  like a Snow White emoji of me being so excited because we
• 56:12
  found him his girl and I just Facetimed with him.
• 56:15
  But I learned like, it just, it was, it all happened around the
• 56:19
  same time as when like Real Housewives was airing and like
• 56:23
  all of these really fun things for me.
• 56:25
  And I remember just looking out at, you know, the Hollywood
• 56:29
  Hills, 'cause I live right there and I see the Hollywood sign and
• 56:32
  I was like, this is like, I, I am changed.
• 56:36
  Like I have been changed for good.
• 56:39
  Because I, I learned that I can really make a huge impact.
• 56:43
  And also that you don't, we don't know, you know, when our
• 56:46
  last days are and they and just to have that love and to have
• 56:51
  that person and to, to literally go in a peaceful way.
• 56:56
  It, it changed me forever. So it was, it was a very
• 57:00
  impactful time for me. You can have all of the money,
• 57:03
  all of the fame in the world, but if you don't have love that
• 57:09
  it, that you know, it, it's, it leaves a huge hole.
• 57:13
  But I also think there's like a God, you know, everyone has a
• 57:17
  huge hole. That's God can.
• 57:19
  Only God can fail. So you know, I say that too.
• 57:23
  Tell me about your most unexpected but successful match
• 57:27
  story. So two people that you're like
• 57:29
  anyone would meet him, be like, they're not necessarily a match,
• 57:32
  but it ended up working out wonderfully for them.
• 57:34
  Yes, so I we worked with this amazing, amazing bachelor and
• 57:40
  this was about six or seven years ago at this point and he
• 57:44
  was such a doll and he had he was not like crazy picky at all,
• 57:50
  but he had one thing he said, listen, I'm not wild.
• 57:54
  I'm not super picky. I just I really love brunettes.
• 57:58
  So if you could just focus on setting me up with brunettes, I
• 58:02
  really only want to make brunettes through you guys, that
• 58:04
  would be amazing. So we, as you know, good
• 58:08
  matchmakers would be we set him up with all these different
• 58:11
  women. They were wonderful, they were
• 58:12
  sweet, they were brunette, all auburnette, auburnette.
• 58:16
  So then he had one match left and for whatever reason, it just
• 58:20
  wasn't. He was connecting.
• 58:22
  He would connect with everybody, but it just wasn't like his
• 58:24
  wife. So finally, final match, my
• 58:29
  sister actually ends up meeting this amazing, amazing girl at an
• 58:35
  event and in Hollywood and of course she's blonde.
• 58:40
  So my sister then we, we had, we said, OK, we have to break the
• 58:44
  news. We have to Matt, we really want
• 58:46
  to. So we said, hey, are you open to
• 58:48
  meeting this Bachelorette? We told him all about her.
• 58:51
  We said she's blonde. And he said, you guys, yes, I'm
• 58:54
  open. I'm open, I'm open.
• 58:57
  I know I said brunette, but like, let's try it.
• 58:59
  Why not? You guys are amazing.
• 59:01
  We set them up now. They've been married for five
• 59:05
  years. They just welcomed their first
• 59:07
  child. But it just, I love that story
• 59:10
  because it just shows that like, this is a superficial thing, you
• 59:14
  know? I love brunettes too, you know,
• 59:16
  of course, but you know, this is so superficial, like you are
• 59:21
  self sabotaging if you're only if you're, if you're
• 59:25
  pigeonholing yourself into a certain physical, physical
• 59:31
  appearance. So.
• 59:32
  What can girls do to make themselves more attractive for
• 59:37
  the dating pool like you said? I mean, both men and women are
• 59:39
  visual, yeah, but I think people should put their best foot
• 59:43
  forward, not in a superficial way, because you need to be
• 59:47
  inside and out, caring about your soul and your body.
• 59:50
  But what would be some of your recommendations?
• 59:52
  Absolutely. Well something that we actually
• 59:56
  that we have in every single membership, we have every member
• 1:00:00
  work with a stylist and the stylist does a date night
• 1:00:04
  wardrobe edit and a date night shopping session.
• 1:00:08
  Because a lot of times, you know, women don't like women
• 1:00:12
  dress a lot of times for other women like this would not be a
• 1:00:15
  good date dress. Like this is just this is
• 1:00:18
  interesting. Yeah.
• 1:00:19
  This is, I mean, I'm this is a, you know, a lot poofy.
• 1:00:22
  This is a. Girls Podcast.
• 1:00:23
  This is a girl. This guys.
• 1:00:25
  For the girls. Sorry guys.
• 1:00:27
  So. So tell me more about that.
• 1:00:28
  What? What is it about that dress that
• 1:00:30
  you think would not translate well on a date?
• 1:00:32
  Yeah, well, I mean, it's very poofy and guys don't quite
• 1:00:37
  understand. Like it's like poofy here, poofy
• 1:00:39
  here. It's wonderful colors.
• 1:00:41
  That's great. It's it's feminine.
• 1:00:43
  It's it's it's light. It's lovely.
• 1:00:45
  But when on on a date, it is and people get annoyed because it's
• 1:00:51
  like the male gaze. But it is important if you are
• 1:00:55
  looking to attract a man. And when you're going on a date,
• 1:01:00
  it's important to keep in mind, OK, like what would a guy find
• 1:01:04
  attractive? And you know, what would they?
• 1:01:06
  Maybe not so. What are the yeah, what are the
• 1:01:09
  standards that a guy finds attractive in your view versus
• 1:01:12
  this is for the women? Yeah, yeah.
• 1:01:14
  So we always say you can never go wrong with a fitted black
• 1:01:18
  dress and nude heels. And it can just be a fitted
• 1:01:22
  dress of any kind, fitted as your friend, same for men,
• 1:01:26
  fitted as your friend. You know, you don't want to come
• 1:01:28
  with a lot of, a lot of what's popular right now is like the
• 1:01:32
  big baggy cargo pants. And like, it's just, that's not,
• 1:01:37
  that's, that's not the biologically speaking, not the
• 1:01:41
  most, you know, attractive thing to wear on a first date.
• 1:01:46
  But we always say you can never go wrong.
• 1:01:48
  Fitted black dress, nude heels elongate the leg and the, the,
• 1:01:53
  the dress it when it, when it's fitted.
• 1:01:55
  I mean, it's it, it's also about the woman feeling comfortable
• 1:01:58
  and whatever she's wearing. But at the same time, sometimes
• 1:02:01
  you can tell that to to a person and then they'll show up on a
• 1:02:04
  date wearing, you know, like my darling Sutton from Real
• 1:02:08
  Housewives, a cat sweater and sneakers, you know, which is
• 1:02:13
  just not first date aesthetic. You know, we wanted, we want
• 1:02:18
  what? About like the white T-shirt and
• 1:02:20
  the cute jeans and the sneakers. That's more for like the third
• 1:02:23
  date when you're going to go to the fair.
• 1:02:26
  I don't know what people do today.
• 1:02:29
  Totally fine for 1/3 date and we're old school.
• 1:02:33
  I'm traditional. You know, we like, we like to
• 1:02:36
  put your best foot forward when you're on a first date and when
• 1:02:39
  a woman feels like also we something else that we always
• 1:02:44
  encourage and that we actually have the ladies that we work
• 1:02:47
  with. Do they do a, they work with a
• 1:02:50
  makeup artist to learn like date night makeup application and
• 1:02:56
  like, and, and it's, it's wonderful because they learn and
• 1:03:01
  we work with Chroma Beverly Hills and we've worked with them
• 1:03:04
  for so many years and there's an amazing makeup artist there that
• 1:03:07
  just teaches the, teaches the bachelorettes.
• 1:03:11
  OK, you want a really subtle look, amazing.
• 1:03:14
  Like here's what to do and here's what to highlight.
• 1:03:16
  And here's, you know, maybe not wearing a bright red lip and,
• 1:03:20
  or, or wearing, if that's your, if you're more outgoing, you
• 1:03:23
  know, vivacious personality, go for it.
• 1:03:26
  But learning, learning those elements, but really, really
• 1:03:31
  giving your best on a first date.
• 1:03:33
  And it's also it's empowering, like it's also for you as a
• 1:03:38
  woman as much as it is for the guy.
• 1:03:41
  It's to get you into that mindset.
• 1:03:43
  And it's another way to just tap into that feminine energy of
• 1:03:48
  like figuring out, oh, instead of just, oh, great.
• 1:03:51
  I have, you know, I have this date that I have to go on.
• 1:03:53
  What? Like another one?
• 1:03:55
  Great. It's like, Oh my gosh, I have
• 1:03:57
  this really cute date that I'm going on.
• 1:03:59
  He seems lovely. I'm going to wear.
• 1:04:02
  What am I going to wear? OK, I'll do this, this, this and
• 1:04:06
  then so it gets you into that mindset and, and it, it sounds a
• 1:04:10
  little superficial. It is, but this it is what it
• 1:04:14
  is. What about what, what would you
• 1:04:16
  say to women who I know? I, I have heard complaints from
• 1:04:20
  some women who say that they're going on all these dates and
• 1:04:22
  they're not like sleeping with the guy, they're not living with
• 1:04:24
  the guy, but they're maybe seeing a guy or talking to a guy
• 1:04:27
  and he's just not committing. He's just not committing even
• 1:04:32
  though he shares values. Yeah, I men, I, I'm a big
• 1:04:39
  believer. I've been doing this for 12
• 1:04:41
  years. Men know very quickly whether or
• 1:04:45
  not they see a woman as her future wife or not.
• 1:04:49
  They categorize women and it sounds like, you know, it sounds
• 1:04:55
  terrible when I verbally say it, but this is the reality of, of
• 1:05:00
  the way that a lot of men are operating and even nice guys.
• 1:05:04
  So would you, so you would you recommend if you're a woman and
• 1:05:08
  you're just going on even dates or you're texting or you're
• 1:05:10
  talking or you're just in this relationship that's ambiguous
• 1:05:13
  and you share values. So it's not like you're doing,
• 1:05:16
  you're not sleeping together necessarily, but you would just
• 1:05:17
  tell her like move on. Do not waste too much energy
• 1:05:20
  here. Well, I think that it's worth a
• 1:05:23
  conversation for sure. Definitely like, hey, just
• 1:05:26
  checking in. What are your intentions here or
• 1:05:28
  what are you, what are you looking for here?
• 1:05:29
  Because I'm wanting to see other people.
• 1:05:31
  Are we dating? Like really, what tone would you
• 1:05:33
  take with that? Yeah, I think if a woman, if you
• 1:05:36
  do really like a man and you, you know, you see this man as a
• 1:05:41
  great potential future husband and, you know, you really are
• 1:05:45
  just really interested in continuing to date him.
• 1:05:49
  I think transparency is huge. So you can say listen, like I,
• 1:05:53
  I, I, I think you're such an incredible man.
• 1:05:55
  I'm really enjoying getting to know you.
• 1:05:57
  I just wanted to do like an intentions track like what are
• 1:06:00
  what are what? What are you seeing like a
• 1:06:03
  define? Just says I don't know.
• 1:06:05
  I I don't know. I'm conflicted.
• 1:06:08
  If a man doesn't know, you can say that's totally fine.
• 1:06:12
  However, you know, at this point, if it's been more than,
• 1:06:16
  you know, more than two or three months and a man's it still
• 1:06:19
  doesn't know it's a it, that's a really great way of saying, hey,
• 1:06:24
  it's, it's a good idea to move on.
• 1:06:27
  Because after I think I'm, I think men know after a first
• 1:06:32
  date whether or not they see a woman as their potential wife.
• 1:06:35
  And then and men would rather literally like would would
• 1:06:42
  rather eat a eat a dead toe or like they would then tell a
• 1:06:48
  woman that they're not interested in her.
• 1:06:50
  Men would rather like there's so many men would rather eat a frog
• 1:06:55
  then tell a woman that they're not interested in her.
• 1:06:59
  Because it's so painful to do that.
• 1:07:01
  Yes, yes. And that's why you see ghosting
• 1:07:03
  happening so frequently because it's, it's, you know, a lot of.
• 1:07:07
  These Why is that do you think? They're not bad, bad guys and
• 1:07:11
  they're not bad women because women ghosts all the time too.
• 1:07:14
  It's just they, it is such an awkward conversation to have to
• 1:07:19
  tell somebody that you know, that, hey, I just don't see you
• 1:07:24
  as my person. But I, I, I'm a big believer.
• 1:07:28
  We have a no ghosting policy. So if you are not interested in
• 1:07:34
  somebody, just send them a text, you know, send them a quick
• 1:07:37
  text. You, we even have a, a little
• 1:07:39
  form text that we help our, our clients utilize if they're not
• 1:07:44
  into somebody, but it basically says like, Hey, listen, you
• 1:07:47
  know, hey, Jack, like I had a wonderful time on the date with
• 1:07:51
  you or on, We've had a wonderful few dates.
• 1:07:55
  However you know, I really, I, I've enjoyed getting to know
• 1:07:58
  you. I don't see that romantic
• 1:08:00
  connection that I'm looking for, but I wish you the absolute
• 1:08:03
  best. So even if you just send
• 1:08:06
  something like that, it helps so much in the dating process for
• 1:08:10
  the other person just so it might sting a little bit, but
• 1:08:14
  it's the best way. Best practices.
• 1:08:17
  But yeah, if a man, I mean, I think, yeah, I think men are men
• 1:08:20
  are pretty clear. And if after three months
• 1:08:26
  there's still that level of uncertainty, you can say that's
• 1:08:29
  totally fine. I just, you know, I'm looking
• 1:08:32
  for somebody that's really certain about me.
• 1:08:34
  And but, you know, I wish you all the best and then just move
• 1:08:38
  on. What was the most surprising
• 1:08:40
  thing about being cast for the The Housewives of Beverly Hills?
• 1:08:45
  Yes, Oh my word, what an experience that was.
• 1:08:49
  Slash has been. I think I was most surprised at
• 1:08:56
  how real it was. It really was The Real
• 1:09:01
  Housewives. It was the real.
• 1:09:02
  Housewives. It wasn't just drumming up drama
• 1:09:05
  for the camera. That was real drama.
• 1:09:06
  No, it was real drama. And like when I met Sutton, the
• 1:09:12
  she was the the cast member that I was matchmaking for the season
• 1:09:17
  for the first time. Like all of those interactions
• 1:09:21
  were just genuinely the first moments that I was meeting her
• 1:09:25
  and we, I mean, we had like hours and hours of coaching and
• 1:09:31
  then of course they snip it into like 2 minutes.
• 1:09:34
  So your job on the show was to match make one of the
• 1:09:37
  contestants or one of the one of the women's?
• 1:09:39
  Yes, yes. So my job was to be Sutton's
• 1:09:42
  dating coach and matchmaker through the season and and I set
• 1:09:46
  her up. And those were, you know, men
• 1:09:49
  that were real guys that were really single.
• 1:09:53
  However, I will say that to get men that are open to being on a
• 1:10:00
  television show, like I had so many no's because I asked my
• 1:10:05
  real clients like, Hey, would you be open to doing this?
• 1:10:08
  And and then that were maybe a little bit better matches in
• 1:10:12
  real life. A lot of them said no, but those
• 1:10:16
  men were still incredible guys. I mean, the two guys I matched
• 1:10:19
  Sutton with were phenomenal. And Sutton actually, so her big
• 1:10:24
  thing was she couldn't get to the second date.
• 1:10:26
  So the whole season was, you know, us trying to work through
• 1:10:30
  date coaching and, and and that's.
• 1:10:33
  Because the guy didn't want to take her on a second day, or she
• 1:10:35
  just never liked the guy enough. Usually it was that the guy
• 1:10:40
  wasn't asking her on a second, but but also it was that the men
• 1:10:45
  that liked her cat sweater. Yeah, yeah, no more cat sweaters
• 1:10:48
  for Sutton because yeah, it was also that she the guys that
• 1:10:52
  liked her, she didn't want to go on 2nd dates with so.
• 1:10:56
  I think for people of faith, sometimes, you know, maybe
• 1:10:59
  they're thinking, you know, if you've got a lot of strong
• 1:11:01
  values and your faith is really important to you, there's a
• 1:11:03
  spiritualization of the dating process that can happen where
• 1:11:06
  you almost like look down what feels superficial, like, oh,
• 1:11:09
  wearing a certain outfit or, you know, you know, sharing in a
• 1:11:12
  certain way on the date, like not going too intense and like
• 1:11:15
  just having fun. I think some people may listen
• 1:11:18
  and say, well, that sounds worldly or superficial.
• 1:11:21
  Why is it actually good advice for people, even if they're
• 1:11:25
  especially if there are people of faith and strong convictions
• 1:11:28
  and values? Absolutely, there are levels of
• 1:11:31
  sharing when it comes to dating and relationships.
• 1:11:35
  And I think people struggle, people really authentic people
• 1:11:39
  struggle in the dating process because they go right to level
• 1:11:44
  5, which a level 5 share is an intimate, you know, deep and,
• 1:11:50
  and, and really personal. It's a personal share.
• 1:11:54
  So they then bond more quickly, which then makes the dating
• 1:11:59
  process a lot more challenging because all because you're
• 1:12:02
  sharing and you're bonding with somebody, that doesn't
• 1:12:05
  necessarily mean that that person is interested in
• 1:12:09
  romantically continuing to get to know you.
• 1:12:12
  So the levels of sharing are really important to understand.
• 1:12:16
  I'm not saying only talk about, you know, shopping and you know,
• 1:12:21
  going to party these or whatever somebody would perceive as
• 1:12:25
  superficial, but it's also recognizing with yourself.
• 1:12:29
  And it's it's a really good practice for somebody that is,
• 1:12:32
  you know, finds that they're they're really intentionally
• 1:12:35
  dating to to before they start anew in the dating process to
• 1:12:42
  take a step back and write out like different levels of their
• 1:12:47
  experiences and just not pre plan everything that you're
• 1:12:51
  going to share on a date, but first date topics that are fun
• 1:12:56
  and easy. Travel, you know, travel who
• 1:13:00
  your favorite Spice Girl is. You know what your you know who
• 1:13:03
  your favorite boy band was, but like things that you know, I
• 1:13:06
  know for me, I love talking about like the early 2000s and
• 1:13:10
  traveling and like, you know, I mean, there's.
• 1:13:13
  Yeah. Like I love.
• 1:13:14
  So fun. So fun.
• 1:13:16
  And that's going to light me up and I'm going to talk about, you
• 1:13:19
  know, I'm going to talk about things that I'm excited about
• 1:13:22
  talking about. And also, I mean housewives too,
• 1:13:25
  but you know, but but but those are those are quote UN quote
• 1:13:29
  superficial things. You know, you're not going to
• 1:13:31
  you don't want to trauma bond with somebody on a first date.
• 1:13:34
  And I think that a lot of times that people are very
• 1:13:37
  well-intentioned, but they're giving their trauma, they're
• 1:13:40
  giving, they're using it as almost like a, a therapy session
• 1:13:44
  and really, you know, connecting and deep, but you can talk about
• 1:13:48
  your faith. That's totally, that's
• 1:13:49
  beautiful. You know, I'm a big encourager
• 1:13:52
  of, you know, if you say grace, say grace on all of your dates
• 1:13:56
  and even if it doesn't yield a second date or 1/3 date, it's
• 1:13:59
  going to kind of, you know, remind the person that you're
• 1:14:02
  meeting. Wow, like we're praying
• 1:14:03
  together. That is so beautiful.
• 1:14:05
  And you can, you know, set the intention of having a really
• 1:14:08
  wonderful evening, getting to know somebody new, and then
• 1:14:12
  you're inviting God into your date.
• 1:14:14
  And that's beautiful, but it you don't have to talk about your
• 1:14:18
  testimony on a first date, save that for the third, fourth date
• 1:14:22
  and then you can talk about these more intimate things.
• 1:14:26
  What is the craziest thing that you've seen being a matchmaker
• 1:14:30
  in Los Angeles? Oh, Lord.
• 1:14:33
  I mean, I've, I, I, I've really seen it all, you know, I've seen
• 1:14:39
  and we haven't worked with these people, but I think the most
• 1:14:42
  shocking things are the background checks that we do and
• 1:14:46
  that we get. And it's just, it's jarring
• 1:14:51
  because, you know, you would think if that people are who
• 1:14:54
  they say that they are, but then we like run a background check
• 1:14:56
  and something bizarre will pop up.
• 1:14:59
  So I think it would be in line with the background check.
• 1:15:02
  What's the craziest thing you've seen in the background check?
• 1:15:05
  Oh my gosh. We once ran a background check
• 1:15:08
  on this Bachelor. He was referred in by another
• 1:15:11
  matchmaker and we were like, oh, Oh my goodness.
• 1:15:15
  Like this man was he literally just got out of prison like like
• 1:15:18
  2 weeks ago. He just got out of prison and
• 1:15:21
  they present so well. But that's why it's so important
• 1:15:24
  for women to it's trust but verify.
• 1:15:27
  And like, it's not an easy dating scene out there by any
• 1:15:30
  means, even taking this out of the equation, but.
• 1:15:33
  Do you always recommend a background check?
• 1:15:35
  Always. Even if it's like Vinny's best
• 1:15:37
  friend Vinny. Meaning like your, you know,
• 1:15:41
  brother-in-law or something. Yes, exactly like Vinny the
• 1:15:44
  brother-in-law, Well, I mean Scott Peterson, he was
• 1:15:47
  introduced to Amber. But he didn't have a felony
• 1:15:50
  record beforehand. I know he didn't have one but.
• 1:15:52
  So how do you how do you make sure you don't marry a?
• 1:15:55
  A killer axe murderer. Oh my gosh, an axe murderer.
• 1:15:58
  Well, you know, that's where discernment comes in, Lila.
• 1:16:01
  That's where discernment comes. In you have the alarm bell sense
• 1:16:04
  with some people. I do I, I will say that this is
• 1:16:07
  something that I kind of pride myself on.
• 1:16:10
  I'm really good at spotting red flags with, with members.
• 1:16:14
  And usually when I feel like something is a little off, I'll
• 1:16:18
  kind of chat with the team and be like, hey ladies, like, did
• 1:16:22
  anyone else think this? And then, lo and behold, we'll
• 1:16:24
  do the background check and something weird will come up, or
• 1:16:27
  even a Google search and something will pop up from a
• 1:16:29
  long time ago. What do you recommend for women,
• 1:16:32
  especially women? I think it's most dangerous when
• 1:16:35
  it's somebody within the community, right?
• 1:16:38
  Or it's the friend of a friend, or it's the person who's showing
• 1:16:41
  up at daily Mass or coming to church.
• 1:16:43
  And so it seems like everything is on the up and up.
• 1:16:47
  What do you recommend to be some tools?
• 1:16:51
  Maybe more an approach to be protective?
• 1:16:55
  Yes, definitely to not accidentally date the red flags.
• 1:16:59
  Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, you know, like I said,
• 1:17:04
  there is a wonderful website called BeenVerified and you just
• 1:17:09
  pop that person's cell phone number in there and it will it
• 1:17:12
  will come up and anybody dating. You have to pay 999 for that?
• 1:17:16
  Or is it? Something I something like that
• 1:17:18
  yeah, yeah, like I have girlfriends that use that when
• 1:17:20
  they're dating just because it's and even basic members of ours,
• 1:17:25
  if I'm date coaching them and they're dating on their own
• 1:17:28
  using the apps or meeting somebody in person.
• 1:17:30
  I always encourage it's easy, it's inexpensive.
• 1:17:34
  Get that. But I also think it's I think
• 1:17:37
  when somebody is the the beautiful part is that you are
• 1:17:41
  going to be very, very well protected.
• 1:17:44
  You know, if you are, if you are walking, if you're being guided
• 1:17:49
  by the Lord and like, you know, a lot of listeners are Christian
• 1:17:54
  and Catholic. So I think that, you know,
• 1:17:57
  really taking that time in the dating process to discern and to
• 1:18:03
  if something pops up as a red flag, it's not saying like
• 1:18:08
  automatically, Oh my gosh, he's, you know, he has a second family
• 1:18:11
  or he's a murderer. It's learning about that person
• 1:18:14
  and it's asking for divine intervention as well, but it's
• 1:18:19
  also letting you're letting a friend group know.
• 1:18:22
  I'm, I'm also a big believer in community and in strong female
• 1:18:25
  friendships. And I don't know how people date
• 1:18:29
  without having a strong community.
• 1:18:32
  I think dating is very, very difficult.
• 1:18:35
  So I think that when when somebody is grounded in their
• 1:18:38
  community and in their strong female friendship specifically,
• 1:18:42
  I think, but that can help a lot as well.
• 1:18:45
  But you also have to be careful that, you know, you're with
• 1:18:48
  women that are also date. The intention for the group
• 1:18:53
  should be if they're single girl group, it should be like, Hey,
• 1:18:56
  we, you know, we would love to, you know, date with the
• 1:18:59
  intention of marriage. So it's also being aware of who
• 1:19:02
  you're surrounding yourself with.
• 1:19:04
  But I'm a big believer that, you know, God always reveals.
• 1:19:08
  So I think like be not afraid because you know you're being
• 1:19:13
  very well protected. The enemy will, will, can and
• 1:19:17
  will come in through through partners.
• 1:19:22
  That is something that's very common.
• 1:19:24
  But it's also when you ask for that protection.
• 1:19:29
  I I do believe that you will be protected, but it is important
• 1:19:33
  to to recognize when something is not of God.
• 1:19:39
  What is what is love bombing and why is that a red flag?
• 1:19:44
  Love bombing. Oh dear.
• 1:19:46
  So love bombing is when somebody is giving intense communication,
• 1:19:54
  compliments, just the constant like literally a bomb of love,
• 1:20:02
  adoration, affection, attention. And it's premature.
• 1:20:07
  And this is when you barely know the person, either you maybe
• 1:20:11
  just match with them on a dating app or we're just introduced to
• 1:20:14
  them or, you know, just met them at a coffee shop or at church.
• 1:20:18
  And that person is like, wow, you know, God told me that you
• 1:20:21
  are my wife and they're just like bombing you with.
• 1:20:25
  And this is the thing also that a lot of religious people need
• 1:20:28
  to be aware of that they can utilize like love bombers.
• 1:20:32
  If they recognize that you do have some kind of religious
• 1:20:37
  belief system, they can and will tap into that.
• 1:20:40
  We saw that with a client that we're date coaching right now
• 1:20:43
  because she just came off of something like that where it was
• 1:20:47
  a religious love bombing. And that is a very dangerous
• 1:20:50
  place. So that's why it's really
• 1:20:53
  important for women to I know I hate that people don't like when
• 1:20:58
  I say this, but especially for women dating a little bit like a
• 1:21:02
  sociopath in the beginning and having.
• 1:21:06
  Women should date like a sociopath.
• 1:21:08
  That's. Great.
• 1:21:11
  The fact that you just said that is so funny to me.
• 1:21:14
  You said it, I repeated it. The.
• 1:21:16
  Fact that you just repeated that like just shows me it's just so
• 1:21:18
  funny, but in a way of just not getting overly attached and
• 1:21:26
  emotionally bonded and committed to a man until he has actually
• 1:21:32
  proven who he is. How?
• 1:21:35
  Long realistically is that process because I know so many
• 1:21:38
  girls who they think it's been a few weeks.
• 1:21:42
  We've had these deep conversations.
• 1:21:44
  Maybe they've like already snuggled up and had a kiss.
• 1:21:46
  Like they're like all getting bonded.
• 1:21:48
  They're trying to be good girls. You know, they're doing trying
• 1:21:50
  to be good. They've had some really romantic
• 1:21:51
  experiences. He's like telling her you are
• 1:21:54
  the best thing in the world. And so she's like, we know each
• 1:21:57
  other. You know, it's been through.
• 1:21:59
  I met his mom last week and it's been like a month.
• 1:22:01
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we say a three month
• 1:22:05
  marker is a really great time to have that exclusive
• 1:22:08
  conversation. Wait, so you're saying to wait
• 1:22:11
  three months typically before going exclusive?
• 1:22:14
  Because a lot of girls I know, they'll go exclusive after two
• 1:22:17
  dates. One, yeah, one or two dates.
• 1:22:19
  I think that three months is a really good time because it does
• 1:22:23
  provide that like time is a single girl's best friend and a
• 1:22:28
  single guy's best friend too, because everybody is on their
• 1:22:32
  absolute best behavior in the very beginning.
• 1:22:35
  However, it typically is at that three months mark where you'll
• 1:22:40
  start to see the real person, but also you'll get to know the
• 1:22:45
  person a bit better. Beyond just what?
• 1:22:47
  Beyond just the the superficial of it all.
• 1:22:51
  I think what you're saying is so essential and I think this is
• 1:22:54
  one of the best pieces of advice that we've had in the podcast
• 1:22:57
  about dating because it's counterintuitive for a lot of
• 1:23:01
  women and maybe even men who start dating and they're having
• 1:23:04
  a fantastic time And so many boxes seem to be checked.
• 1:23:07
  And then you get this affirming stuff that happens.
• 1:23:09
  Like you meet a family member and you love the person or you,
• 1:23:11
  you know, you meet the dog or whatever.
• 1:23:12
  And it just, it seems to just check, right.
• 1:23:15
  But it's amazing how after just three months, or even into that
• 1:23:18
  4th month, if you're already exclusive at this point, things
• 1:23:21
  usually start breaking down at the three to four months.
• 1:23:24
  And if you hadn't gone exclusive, if you hadn't gone,
• 1:23:27
  you know, whole hog into the relationship, if you'd given it
• 1:23:30
  time to get to know them a little bit more casually with
• 1:23:34
  still the intention of marriage down the line.
• 1:23:36
  But the purpose here is to really get to know them in time
• 1:23:39
  and space, which is how we're human beings, right?
• 1:23:41
  Yeah, absolutely. Then you actually discover a lot
• 1:23:45
  more when you give it physical time.
• 1:23:47
  Yes, and Father Mike Schmitz has an amazing video about this.
• 1:23:53
  And he, I love that, that he's like the, the dating, he's
• 1:23:56
  amazing. The dating gold standard advice
• 1:23:58
  from Father Mike Schmitz. I love it.
• 1:24:00
  He's what did he say? But he says that so many
• 1:24:03
  Catholic men and women get so excited and they want to push
• 1:24:07
  the Fast forward button and just like go from meeting to
• 1:24:10
  marriage. But there are relationships have
• 1:24:14
  a natural progression And and what he says is actually
• 1:24:19
  solidified by relationship studies and science.
• 1:24:22
  And Doctor John Gray, who wrote men are from Mars, women are
• 1:24:25
  from Venus. He talks about the five states
• 1:24:28
  stages of a relationship. The first stage is attraction,
• 1:24:32
  the second stage is indecision, the third stage is exclusivity,
• 1:24:38
  the fourth stage is engagement and the fifth stage is is
• 1:24:42
  marriage. But a lot of times people go out
• 1:24:47
  of order in these different stages.
• 1:24:49
  What's indecision? So I get attraction first stage.
• 1:24:52
  Indecision. What's the second stage of
• 1:24:54
  indecision? So the indecision phase happens
• 1:24:58
  in basically every couple. And if a couple says, I never
• 1:25:03
  heard that stage, OK, maybe maybe you had it for an hour.
• 1:25:07
  But they, it's that indecision. It's it's that, oh, is this
• 1:25:12
  person somebody that I really could see myself marrying?
• 1:25:15
  Or is it not? So that I mean that that stage
• 1:25:18
  is essential to happen, but the the but a lot of people skip
• 1:25:23
  that. Stage they go to exclusive
• 1:25:25
  before really the vetting process or getting to know them.
• 1:25:28
  Just giving them space and time to know.
• 1:25:29
  Exactly. And they think maybe they think,
• 1:25:32
  oh, I did my indecision. My indecision was that I was
• 1:25:34
  single. And now I'm dating someone I'm
• 1:25:38
  attracted to, so I'm in. I mean, I can understand why
• 1:25:41
  people want to just go in at that point.
• 1:25:43
  But you're saying give it physical time, give it months,
• 1:25:45
  give it several, several dates? Give it yeah, give it time and
• 1:25:48
  don't become exclusive immediately.
• 1:25:50
  I also love Kate Warner. She is now Kate Tomlin.
• 1:25:56
  I want to say not like Chris Tomlin, but like Kate, Kate
• 1:26:00
  Werner. She has this amazing podcast
• 1:26:02
  called the Heart of dating and she's like a Christian
• 1:26:05
  influencer. She's fabulous.
• 1:26:06
  And I was on her podcast when she was single and, and now
• 1:26:10
  she's married and I think she just welcomed her first child
• 1:26:13
  and I, I just love her. But she specifically did this,
• 1:26:18
  this, this dating experiment where she was not exclusive for
• 1:26:25
  I think it was three or four months and she was open to the
• 1:26:28
  different men. She said, hey, listen, I'm, I'm
• 1:26:31
  dating other men right now and you know, I'm not going to be
• 1:26:34
  exclusive until X amount of time.
• 1:26:37
  And may the best man win, essentially.
• 1:26:40
  But she was open about it. And I think that that's OK to be
• 1:26:43
  open and it's OK to to date, to get to know somebody and not to
• 1:26:46
  jump immediately into exclusivity because you have to
• 1:26:50
  get to know somebody. That's what dating is for.
• 1:26:52
  There's nothing wrong with dating, as long as you're doing
• 1:26:55
  it in a respectful, intentional way.
• 1:26:58
  You mentioned earlier there were some things that you would
• 1:27:01
  recommend women don't do on 1st dates and in dating, like make
• 1:27:04
  it an interview and show up all sternly and, you know, unwarmly
• 1:27:09
  and maybe don't wear puffy sleeves.
• 1:27:11
  Was that one of the teen vice pieces?
• 1:27:14
  Wear a black dress. I don't know what what would be
• 1:27:16
  other tips for that date to best present yourself well?
• 1:27:20
  And is that really a tip? Don't wear puffy sleeves.
• 1:27:22
  Are we going to are we going to like stand on that?
• 1:27:24
  I think we can. Stand on that like.
• 1:27:26
  Sorry guys wouldn't do it. They are cute.
• 1:27:28
  I think they're cute on some women.
• 1:27:30
  Cute but I agree. My husband when I've worn, I
• 1:27:32
  mean, my husband is always so sweet to me in what I wear, but
• 1:27:35
  I do you see that? They just don't get.
• 1:27:37
  It I do see that it's. Like a man repeller like
• 1:27:40
  they're. Well, it's like little girls
• 1:27:42
  wear. Puffy sleeves.
• 1:27:43
  I mean super. Cute, but just Yeah, it's just
• 1:27:45
  keeping in mind, I mean, and listen, if you love a puffy
• 1:27:48
  sleeve, go for it. This is not a make or break,
• 1:27:50
  like I'm not, you know, but just generally speaking, yeah,
• 1:27:53
  approaching a first date for women, really just coming in
• 1:27:58
  with that mindset of warmth and. And fun.
• 1:28:02
  Sounds like vacation. Playfulness.
• 1:28:05
  Vacation mindset, literally it's just enjoying yourself, being in
• 1:28:10
  the moment, being present, really being, being, being
• 1:28:14
  mindful. Oh my gosh, I'm using the the
• 1:28:16
  term of the of the TikTok right now, but really being in the
• 1:28:20
  moment with the man and really getting to know him and
• 1:28:23
  appreciating appreciating him in that, in that interaction.
• 1:28:28
  But yes, I, I, I, I love. I think flirting is just such an
• 1:28:35
  untapped, lovely thing that men and women can both do, you know,
• 1:28:40
  when they're when they're dating and just being playful, giving a
• 1:28:43
  compliment. For men, we always say give a
• 1:28:47
  woman a compliment when you first meet her.
• 1:28:49
  And I think for men as well, men rarely get complimented.
• 1:28:54
  And, and so, you know, if literally I've done so many
• 1:28:57
  talks where I would say, OK, men raise your hand like if you were
• 1:29:02
  complimented in the last week and like nobody raises their
• 1:29:06
  hand. And like, so, and then OK, in
• 1:29:08
  the last month and then maybe like 3 raise their hand.
• 1:29:11
  I'm like, OK, in the last year and then like maybe half will
• 1:29:14
  raise their hand. So women were so used to
• 1:29:16
  complimenting each other and getting compliments.
• 1:29:19
  So it it does make a huge difference when if a woman is
• 1:29:23
  like, Oh, wow, I love your outfit fit.
• 1:29:25
  Oh my gosh, it's I love those shoes.
• 1:29:26
  I love that haircut. Yeah, my hair like this.
• 1:29:30
  Oh my gosh, it looks so great. Like, and it really just puts a
• 1:29:33
  guy like, OK, OK, I did, I, I did the right, I wore the right
• 1:29:37
  like I wore something she likes. So maybe the guy doesn't even
• 1:29:40
  like, it's not like he's consciously thinking I want to
• 1:29:42
  be complimented. It's more just that he's just
• 1:29:45
  doing his life. And then when he gets that
• 1:29:47
  verbal affirmation, especially from a woman, whether even it
• 1:29:50
  could be a sister, but you know, certainly a girl he might be
• 1:29:53
  interested in, it can mean can make such a difference.
• 1:29:56
  It makes such a difference, it really does.
• 1:29:58
  And makes me want to go compliment my.
• 1:30:00
  Husband, I don't compliment him. I mean, I do actually, because
• 1:30:02
  he's easy to compliment. That's beautiful and sometimes
• 1:30:06
  the kind of make me. Cry.
• 1:30:07
  I don't even know why. Like all this conversation about
• 1:30:10
  matchmaking, I'm like, I'm so glad I'm married to my husband.
• 1:30:17
  Especially the stuff about the felonies.
• 1:30:18
  No, I'm just. I'm just so.
• 1:30:20
  Scary out there, but also what women can do.
• 1:30:23
  I love just being appreciative and a lot of these guys a lot of
• 1:30:28
  a lot of time. Dating for men can be a
• 1:30:30
  thankless job and. These, especially if they go out
• 1:30:34
  of their way to shoot their shot and to try to ask a girl out.
• 1:30:39
  And the girl you know, is like it's not super attractive.
• 1:30:42
  So I don't know, like I, I think the rule of thumb of going on a
• 1:30:46
  date with a guy, I mean, the only reason not to go is if you
• 1:30:49
  think he's an actual nax murderer.
• 1:30:50
  Like he's like just super. There's something clearly
• 1:30:53
  repulsed or you're. Actually repulsed.
• 1:30:55
  Yeah. But if you're not repulsed and
• 1:30:56
  he's, there's not like some walking red flag to give him the
• 1:31:00
  honor of a coffee. You know, I don't what is the
• 1:31:03
  harm that can be done? And then at minimum, if you are
• 1:31:06
  repulsed or there's some other issue, you can say thank you so
• 1:31:09
  much for the honor of asking me out.
• 1:31:12
  You know, I'm really, that's very, I'm very flattered.
• 1:31:15
  You know, like I, I remember when I was dating a lot in my
• 1:31:17
  20s, I, I had a script like, if there was like, I'm not going to
• 1:31:19
  go out with this guy, it would be like, I'm really flattered
• 1:31:21
  that you would ask me. Thank you so much.
• 1:31:23
  You know, I'm, I'm not interested like that, but I
• 1:31:25
  really appreciate you asking me. And I think even that even that
• 1:31:29
  is good etiquette. Absolutely, absolutely.
• 1:31:32
  And yes, I, I think that's so beautiful.
• 1:31:35
  Lyla and I, I also I love on the actual physical date if a man
• 1:31:40
  and when a man pays because men, even though this was a hot
• 1:31:45
  debate at the last talk that I did, I am a big believer that
• 1:31:49
  men should always pay. Men should always pay on the
• 1:31:53
  first day. Why?
• 1:31:54
  Why do you believe that? I mean, I'm, I'm old school.
• 1:31:57
  I'm old school. And, and I also think it's just,
• 1:32:00
  you know, if the man is asking a woman to go on a date, it's, you
• 1:32:04
  know, he's ultimately he's the protector, he's the provider.
• 1:32:09
  You know, he is, this is his role.
• 1:32:10
  And also biologically speaking, because I like to, I like to
• 1:32:15
  learn kind of why Because in my mind, I'm like, oh, yeah, a guy
• 1:32:18
  should always pay. But then I'm like, there must be
• 1:32:21
  some psychological and biological backing to why I feel
• 1:32:24
  this way. And there actually is.
• 1:32:27
  When men pay a bill, they experience a hike in
• 1:32:31
  testosterone. And testosterone is among one of
• 1:32:35
  the hormones that need to be released when a man falls in
• 1:32:39
  love. So women are actually doing men
• 1:32:43
  a service by allowing when they pay they because these guys are
• 1:32:48
  experiencing this this spike of testosterone, which then is
• 1:32:52
  going to help and aid and assist in the falling in love process.
• 1:32:56
  But I will say if a woman goes on a date and she is just
• 1:33:00
  repulsed and absolutely there is zero chance of ever going on a
• 1:33:04
  second date with this man ever ever again, you're free to offer
• 1:33:07
  to pay. That is totally fine.
• 1:33:09
  I would say offer to pay it. I that's just in my.
• 1:33:14
  Asthma, it's not going to help let him down more gently.
• 1:33:17
  I just think it's like it's. Almost.
• 1:33:20
  It's almost like a turn off in a good way.
• 1:33:22
  Like you're saying, OK, you're you're definitely not
• 1:33:24
  interested. So I'm going to like help
• 1:33:26
  resolve this for you to not make you interested in me by because
• 1:33:29
  it's almost like when you let the man pay it almost for the
• 1:33:32
  right man can spike their interest with what you're
• 1:33:33
  saying. So it's almost a generosity to
• 1:33:36
  say like, let me get this bill. And by the way, it was great to
• 1:33:38
  meet you, but I'm not romantic. Interested 100%.
• 1:33:41
  It's just completely I think it's and this is listen, it's,
• 1:33:44
  it's a woman's sheet. You do not have to pay because
• 1:33:46
  sometimes the payment is just sitting on the sitting across,
• 1:33:50
  you know, from the poor soul, you know, women have all been on
• 1:33:53
  those rough dates with a guy that you're just like, Oh my
• 1:33:56
  goodness. And I have to pay, you know.
• 1:33:58
  But I, I will say, I think that just, if you really want to date
• 1:34:02
  with, with in a, in a really value based way, it's a nice
• 1:34:09
  thing that you can just tell yourself like, Hey, if I'm not
• 1:34:12
  into this guy, let me offer to pay and like really try to pay.
• 1:34:17
  But I think it's, it's a good way of looking at things and
• 1:34:19
  kind of shifting the mindset that men should learn that if a
• 1:34:23
  woman is letting you pay, you've got a shot, you know, that's
• 1:34:26
  exciting, that's wonderful. All right, there's so much more
• 1:34:30
  we could talk about. We got to have you back on the
• 1:34:32
  show. OK.
• 1:34:33
  I would love to. You're not far away.
• 1:34:34
  So you're coming back here? Yes.
• 1:34:36
  There's more. Thank you.
• 1:34:37
  So how? How can people find your
• 1:34:38
  website, Alessandra? Yes, absolutely.
• 1:34:40
  So if you want to be matched by our team of matchmakers, go to
• 1:34:44
  matchmakersinthecity.com. And then also just connect with
• 1:34:49
  me on Instagram. It's really the best way.
• 1:34:51
  It's I'm at matchmaker Alessandra Conti.
• 1:34:56
  It's really. We'll put the link in the
• 1:34:57
  description. E And then I should pop up, you
• 1:35:01
  know, pending. I'm not shadow band, who knows
• 1:35:04
  these days but. I love it.
• 1:35:06
  Thank you, Alessandra. Thank you.
• 1:35:08
  You do beautiful work. So do you.
• 1:35:10
  You do beautiful work. A huge thank you to our partner.
• 1:35:13
  EWTNEWTN is the world's leading Catholic network, reaching
• 1:35:19
  millions with the truth about the faith, entertainment and
• 1:35:21
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