Latest / The Virtual Couch / Worry Less, Live More: How to Hit the Happiness Jackpot by Letting Go

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Worry Less, Live More: How to Hit the Happiness Jackpot by Letting Go · The Virtual Couch

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  Music.
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  Hey everybody, welcome to episode 399. One away from 400. What a trip. 399 of the
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  virtual couch. I am your host Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified MindfulHabit coach, and host of a handful of other
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  podcasts. Murder on the Couch, a new episode's out there, The Mind the Mirror,
• 0:39
  me with my daughter Mackie, Love ADHD with Julie Lee, and Waking Up to Narcissism. So if you haven't checked that out, it really is not just me saying
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  everybody's a narcissist. Narcissism, narcissism, narcissism. Which made me
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  Think of the Brady Bunch episode.
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  Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. But it's not that.
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  We're talking about emotional immaturity and how I went early on there to say,
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  everybody's a little bit emotionally immature until they're not.
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  I wanna get to a topic that is near and dear to my heart and hang in there.
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  It's not gonna be cliched.
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  It's gonna be very much based on a lot of good data, a lot of good evidence.
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  We're gonna talk a little bit more about happiness. We're gonna talk about control and why we need control
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  and how that does impact and affect happiness.
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  We're gonna talk about a couple of different definitions of happiness, but before we get to that,
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  I also want to make you aware of something that is happening this week that I was a big part of,
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  and it is a marriage, and it's the Power of Intimacy Summit,
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  and it is being put on by my good friend.
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  Monica Tanner. I'm a big fan of marriage. I'm a marriage therapist. I have a lot of content out about how to make your marriage better.
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  And it is. It can be an amazing, beautiful journey, but it can have its ups and downs. We'll probably end up talking about that a little bit on today's episode.
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  And so whether you are a newlywed or you're midlife or you've been in there for a little while, giving love a second shot or a third shot or you're starting to cherish your golden years,
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  I really do feel like there is always room to deepen the marital bond.
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  And so I, along with there are about 30, there's over 30 marriage experts, authors, therapists.
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  We all get on there and have a presentation of some sorts. And I go big on the concepts around differentiation.
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  My four pillars of a connected conversation.
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  And it was a really fun interview. And it is free.
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  And you can get in there and there's a lot of content that's free.
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  And then you can upgrade. It's not much at all. It's a fraction of one session of therapy, but the link for that will be in the show
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  notes.
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  So I would highly encourage you to go check that out, the Unlock the Power of Intimacy
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  Summit that started Monday the 9th. And so I think you'll probably, this podcast is going to go out somewhere on the 10th or
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  11th of October. Jump on there right away.
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  At the very least, go click on the link and download or get access to the free materials.
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  And I think you will not be disappointed.
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  So with that said, let's get right to today's topic. I just did a podcast on vulnerability with my daughter, Mackie, on The Mind, The Mirror
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  and Me.
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  And so I thought, okay, I need to tell the full version of the story.
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  Yeah, this one's going to hurt a little bit. The year was 1984.
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  I think I was in eighth grade. And at that point, life was pretty amazing.
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  I had this flowing blonde hair.
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  And if you've never seen me, I have no blonde hair, no flowing hair.
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  And as a matter of fact, I've even thought I've been bald for so long, I have no idea
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  what my hair color is. It's probably gray if I'm thinking about that.
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  But it was parted down the middle and I barely even had to show my trusty black comb,
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  and I could just throw my head back and it would just fall in place.
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  That part, oh just sweet, right down the middle.
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  And side note, I could also do a very funny thing. I could lift my bangs up and show my ginormous forehead.
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  Nay, I will call it a five head at that point.
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  And everybody would have a laugh, including me. I had no idea that when I would then just gently
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  lay those bangs back down in place, that my good friend, male pattern baldness,
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  was already settling in for a very, very long haul.
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  And I guess sometimes ignorance really is bliss, because I would tell myself in college,
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  yeah, it's because I wear a lot of hats.
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  That's why I suddenly look like I'm in my mid-40s at the age of 19, but I definitely digress.
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  But this next paragraph, back to this embarrassing story, I'm gonna read this directly from Wikipedia.
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  Somebody's Watching Me is a song recorded and written by American singer Rockwell released by the Motown label in
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  1984 as the lead single from his debut studio album of the same name
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  It features guest vocals by brothers Michael Jackson and the chorus and Jermaine Jackson additional backing vocals
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  The song became a major commercial success internationally topping the charts in Belgium France Spain reaching the top five in Canada
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  West Germany the Netherlands New Zealand South Africa Sweden Switzerland and in the United States in the UK
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  it reached number six and is Rockwell's only top 40 hit on the UK singles chart
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  and it looks like it made it to number two in the US at the time. Now the B side,
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  to that single for anyone that is not quite sure what that is this was a little record that just had the one song on one side and you flip it over and
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  usually that would be a pretty cool song that you weren't necessarily familiar
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  with. Well the B side to the single was somebody's watching me the instrumental,
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  So if there really truly was a definition of a one-hit wonder, I think this is it but this song,
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  Oh my goodness at that time. It was it was as next to perfection as.
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  Song could be I mean if you look up in the dictionary Perfection then there were the lyrics to this instant classic it had everything had Michael Jackson singing the chorus,
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  before there was any Michael Jackson controversy and,
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  True shout out to my friend Whitney Elgren Pogue who and I'm sorry with had a Michael Jackson poster in her locker
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  I believe in eighth grade in Indian Hills Middle School. And yes, I was very very jealous at that time,
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  But the words who was this Shakespeare that put typewriter key to ink ribbon and wrote?
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  I'm just an average man with an average life. I work from 9 to 5. Hey, hell, I pay the price.
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  All I want is to be left alone in my average home, but why do I always feel like I'm in the twilight zone?
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  May I have a swear for Pete's sake? And yes, I said it, and I'm clicking the explicit checkbox assuming that I don't forget for this episode,
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  which is a shout-out to my new podcast, Venture Love ADHD, as I now completely understand that that absent-mindedness is due to a lack of,
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  okay, or a challenge to my executive functioning, but with understanding comes tools and change and all those wonderful things.
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  But, back to the lyrics of this song, but why do I always feel like I'm in the twilight zone?
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  And I remember as an eighth grader, I know what the Twilight Zone is, so that was exciting.
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  And I remember I recorded it off the radio onto my cassette recorder, and I played it over and
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  over and over again. And I knew that to mark my words, I would absolutely never ever tire of that
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  song. And then, I kid you not, the tape player ate the tape. And I even tried doing the thing
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  with the pencil and the eraser and tighten the tape back in, but it was wrinkled and crinkled.
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  And then I just felt like I could never time it just right to hit the play and record button.
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  Off the radio with the new tape, rewound just right. So it was basically on to the next song.
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  And I don't even remember what that was, but it was not Rockwell. And for a few years,
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  I honestly remember thinking that truly that song was lightning in a bottle. It was all about the
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  good old days of that song until at some point during the digital music era. And maybe it was
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  when I honestly, and I swear I didn't understand, but you could apparently find songs and simply
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  download them on the internet. So I stumbled upon my beloved Rockwell and well yeah it kind of hit
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  a bit different as the kids no longer say and this thought led me to the idea for today's episode on
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  happiness. If we're going to talk about this basically let's say the common definition of
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  happiness. And I first want to refer to the Russ Harris book.
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  The happiness trap. So, here's what he says. He says, The word happiness has two very different meanings. The common meaning of the word is
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  feeling good. In other words, feeling a sense of pleasure, gladness, or gratification. And we all
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  enjoy these feelings, so it's no surprise that we chase them. However, like all human emotions,
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  feelings of happiness don't last. So, no matter how hard we try to hold on to them, they slip away
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  every time. And as we shall see, a life spent in pursuit of those good feelings is, in the long
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  run, deeply unsatisfying. And in fact, the harder we chase after pleasurable feelings,
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  the more we are likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.
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  So there's one definition of happiness. So how do I tie that into the song Rockwell?
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  If we look at that, it's imagine you're chasing this ultimate playlist of your life. Because
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  this was an era of playlists and mixtapes and that was very real. So you were trying
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  to fill it only with songs that made you feel good, like this Rockwell, this amazing song.
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  And those are the ones that made you want to dance or sing at the top of your lungs,
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  which I would do. And that's what the common definition of happiness then is all about.
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  It's feeling good all the time, getting those pleasurable hits. But the reality is those
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  hits don't last. Maybe the tape gets eaten or it starts to just wear thin and it doesn't
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  seem to then have the same feelings or it doesn't bring up the same emotions.
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  So it's like trying to keep this playlist just on repeat over and over.
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  But the songs keep changing whether you like it or not. And the more you try to
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  chase those feel-good tracks, the more you're chasing after the Rockwells of
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  the world, the more y'all end up feeling anxious or down or start to just think,
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  Man, if only I could have just listened to Rockwell
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  my whole life, I'd be happy.
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  And so then again, the more you're chasing those feel-good tracks, the more you end up feeling anxious or down,
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  and then it's like being stuck in this loop of just wanting more, wanting to get back to what that good song was, that most amazing thing, but never quite being satisfied.
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  So, Russ Harris, again, in the book, The Happiness Trap, he has another far less common meaning of happiness, and this one, it just resonates, but he says the other far less common meaning of happiness is living a rich, full, and meaningful life.
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  So when we take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, and we move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, and we clarify what we stand for in life and we act accordingly, then our lives become rich and meaningful and we experience a powerful sense of vitality.
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  And this is not some fleeting feeling, it is a profound sense of a life well-lived.
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  And although such a life will undoubtedly give us many pleasurable feelings, i.e. the Rockwells of the world, it will also give us some uncomfortable ones, such as sadness and fear and anger, like when your tape gets eaten.
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  But this is only to be expected because if we live a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotions.
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  And I am so just fixated, the lovable, wonderful type of fixated on this concept of we just truly don't know what we don't know.
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  And part of that really is what it feels like to just go out and enjoy and take on life because we don't want to run into those moments where we feel anxious or we're unhappy.
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  And so we miss out on a whole lot of things, trying to just wait for the next Rockwell,
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  and then we're not even willing to leave the house or try new things.
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  But I've been going big over the last few weeks on the concepts around differentiation.
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  And it really is the, if everything in your life becomes this opportunity for you to take a look inward,
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  to self-confront and grow, it really does start to get pretty exciting.
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  And I think it fits into this second definition of happiness.
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  Again, this feeling of where we're gonna have a lot of feelings.
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  We're gonna have happiness.
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  We're gonna have pleasure, we're gonna have gladness, we're gonna have gratification, and we have a lot of those,
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  but then we are also going to feel some sadness and some sorrow and some angst
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  and maybe a little bit of anxiety and some fear and some anger.
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  But if we're willing to then accept that those two will be for our good,
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  and that is a hard concept to really wrap our heads around until it's not.
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  If I go back to this definition by Russ Harris, the second one about life's gonna give you ups and downs,
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  then let's look at that, living a rich, full, and meaningful life.
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  So then we're gonna switch to a different playlist, one that has a mix of all kinds of songs,
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  happy and sad, exciting, even ones that make you think.
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  And I'm dating myself, but I remember being fascinated by this group,
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  The Talking Heads, and they had a song called Nothing But Flowers,
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  and it was just deep.
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  If you go look at those lyrics, they really are deep.
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  And it made me think, and I kinda liked the vibe or the tune of the music.
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  And then I remember embracing some reggae, and I remember, again, it had a nice beat
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  but also made you think.
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  And so when you start looking at that type of a playlist, that represents what Russ Harris calls
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  a rich, full, and meaningful life.
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  That it's not about skipping the songs that bring up uncomfortable feelings,
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  it's about listening to them as part of your life's soundtrack.
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  So when you embrace this playlist, you're not just hearing the music like the Rockwells,
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  that you think that, okay, I just wanna feel that, I just wanna sing and dance.
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  But no, you're willing to take on some of that music that you feel deep down in your soul.
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  So then you're living a life that's in tune with what really matters to you,
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  even if it includes some some dissonant notes. So then are you going to continue to chase the hits
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  or are you going to be ready to embrace your life's full playlist? And then what can I learn
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  from that? You know, what can I really pull out of reggae? Do I start to enjoy the steel drums
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  to the talking heads? Do I start to really pay more attention to the lyrics? Where on other
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  songs it's pretty common to understand now I had no idea what the lyrics meant. I mean that was
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  before the advent of you can just Google the music lyrics and it turns out that I was wrong
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  about pretty much most all of them. But so I really feel like today as we start to dive a
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  little bit more into this concept of happiness, we're going to find out some things that do get
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  a little bit in the way. And one of the first things that I think that gets in the way of
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  happiness is this need for control. Why do we have this inherent need for control? Because
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  we do. And again, I don't want to bring any shame to that or that to think that there's anything
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  wrong with you because it's just part of the human experience.
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  But let's just spend a very quick detour again on why do we so desperately have a need
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  for control and certainty?
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  What biological or evolutionary advantage did that provide for us?
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  And even better, why is that no longer necessary?
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  If we go all the way back to caveman days and why control and certainty mattered, picture
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  yourself as a cave person.
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  I think is the right way to phrase it. You're living in a world full of predators and harsh weather and scarce resources.
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  So in this setting, being able to control your environment as much as you can and having
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  certainty about things like where is food, where is water, how to avoid danger can literally
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  mean the difference between life and death.
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  And your brain is wired to seek control and certainty because then back then it helped
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  you survive and I will go back over and over again to the brain is a don't get killed device.
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  And we think it's just this brilliant thing, but what it is so brilliant at is trying to stay alive.
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  Now, the modern world, why this isn't so helpful anymore, let's fast forward to today.
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  So we're not dodging saber-toothed tigers or we're not hunting our next meal necessarily,
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  but our brains still are running on that old software.
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  And the problem is that life today is a little bit more complex.
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  So we have jobs and we have relationships and we have bills and a million other things
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  that our caveman selves never had to deal with.
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  So now when we try to control and be certain about these things, it's like trying to catch
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  smoke with your bare hands.
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  It's impossible and it can be a little bit exhausting and it can make you look pretty
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  silly at an outdoor barbecue, in theory.
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  With ACT, which I love, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, what we really start to embrace is the fact that while we can't control everything,
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  we maybe, if I want to say, okay fine, what you can have a little more control over is your actions, maybe your reaction.
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  It encourages us to focus on our values and take action that aligns with them, rather than getting stuck in this proverbial quicksand of trying to control everything.
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  So ACT helps us understand that it is okay not to have certainty about everything.
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  And in fact, embracing uncertainty, I promise you, becomes liberating.
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  And it frees us up to live a life that's more in line with what really matters to us.
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  So while that need for control and certainty, it absolutely served us well in the past.
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  And every now and again, that might even serve us well in the present, or maybe even in the future.
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  But quite frankly, I go back to that, if everything is viewed as this is the first time you're going through this experience,
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  in this moment as you, wherever you're at,
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  then that's kind of fascinating.
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  And I want that, I wanna say that should, but I want that to bring with it a lot of curiosity.
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  Check this out, I forgot to bring something.
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  You know, or oh, okay, that is fascinating. I apparently did not give myself enough time,
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  so I am running late.
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  Literally this morning, there was a potential double booking,
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  and I really was grateful that I was able to just look at that and go, that is definitely a thing.
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  And I did that and I'm going to own it and then it turned out to be just fine.
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  That need for control and certainty, bless its heart, it was there for a reason,
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  but if you can start to embrace that uncertainty and you'll start to recognize
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  that it truly can be liberating and that this did serve us well in the past,
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  then it's kind of not always our friend in the modern world.
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  And this is gonna be a way that you can start to update that old software in your brain,
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  and now we can start getting back to that, living a life that is rich and full and meaningful,
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  even if we can't control everything.
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  And as scary as that might sound.
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  So we got a couple of definitions of happiness. Now we've talked a little bit about
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  that adorable need for control.
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  And so one of the things that I get asked about often is the, okay, but what if I just, I commit to things and I'm really struggling to follow through, you know, again, the what's wrong with me, nothing, you're human, it's the first time you're going through life right now is you, so check that out, I'm struggling to follow through on things.
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  Okay, and while I am clearly fanboying for acceptance and commitment therapy right now, I really am embracing the analogies, the metaphors, but in act, if we go back to this need for control, because I want to get to the concept around commitment, and let's talk about why those things can be a challenge too and what to do with that.
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  But in ACT, again, we're trying to control our thoughts and our feelings and thinking that's the way to happiness.
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  But it's almost like, here we go, little analogy, it's almost like trying to hold water in your hands.
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  It's just going to eventually slip through your fingers and then ACT then says,
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  okay, you can't control your thoughts and your feelings, but you have more of a chance to control your actions.
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  I don't even like that word, but to commit to taking action on things that matter.
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  And that is where commitment comes in.
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  So imagine that you are this captain of a ship and your thoughts and feelings are like the weather
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  because you can't control if it's going to be sunny or stormy, but you can do a better job
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  of pointing the boat in the direction of where you want to go.
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  Kind of also known as maybe trying to control where you steer the ship.
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  So that's what the commitment is about in ACT. It's saying, all right, I can't control the weather. That's going to happen. Check that out.
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  But then I can take action on the direction that I'm going to go.
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  And even then, the weather is still going to play a role or a factor.
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  And so then I will continue to rechart the course or reroute.
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  Let me talk a little bit about what that means to make a commitment,
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  because I think that can be a scary word or concept as well.
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  It's not just saying, all right, I'm going to do this thing.
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  It's more like I am, I am choosing to take action on this thing or to do this
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  thing because it's important to me.
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  And so therefore, even if I have a setback, if I mess up, if I am not consistent or successful, then those are all just, those are just things as well.
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  And so then when I'm aware, I notice that I'm not doing the thing,
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  then I get right back on track.
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  And it can sound so simple, but watch. If you look back on your life, how many things have you said?
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  All right, I'm going to start whatever it is, this diet or start to exercise,
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  or I'm going to start to journal or I'm going to make a gratitude journal or I'm going to reach out to my kids every day or I'm whatever that looks like.
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  And it feels good. Dopamine bump. You betcha. And it might even be something that really is in alignment
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  with your core values of who you want to be as a person. So then you do it and you do it for a couple of days until you don't.
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  And then you beat yourself up and think, what's wrong with me?
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  And if that was really so important, then why can't I do that?
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  And you're trying to control every aspect of your behavior.
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  When in reality, part of being human is that we do things until we don't,
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  and then we notice that.
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  And instead of beating ourselves up, what would that look like if I remember,
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  holy cow, it's been a few days since I wrote in my journal.
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  So that is a thing.
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  Those are days, and I have not written in my journal. I think I will write on it right now, write on it,
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  and then eventually I'll write in my journal.
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  So it really does sound like it's a process.
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  But again, I really want to just be so intentional about commitment is not about being perfect,
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  but we sure like to tell ourselves that it is, or we think it is.
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  It's not about living up to what your mom or your dad or your church or your partner thinks you should be.
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  It's about setting your own standards, your own value-based goals,
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  and then sticking to them as best as you can.
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  And here's the kicker. Commitment does not always feel good.
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  You might think, man, if I'm not feeling it now though, how can I commit to it? But that's the thing. Commitment is not about your
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  feelings, which is really fascinating because I'm a big fan of feelings. And,
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  then when we can start to learn that I have feelings and I also have a commitment, sometimes the two cross paths, sometimes they get in the way of
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  each other. Sometimes they go along with each other too. Sometimes I can be
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  taking action on the commitment and it feels pretty good. And if we go back to
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  the beginning of the podcast today, sometimes I'm taking action on the commitment, and it's the ho-hum.
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  And I think about this often. I've been a runner for 30 years now.
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  What a trip, 30 years of my life, and I love it.
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  But there are days where I'm not really enjoying it.
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  And that is okay, because I'm gonna continue to do it because it matters for me.
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  It is the vehicle for my value-based goal of fitness.
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  And so a lot, most of the days, it is a pretty decent experience because I can be in that moment.
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  It's taken me a long time to let go of the need for somewhat perfection in training and timing
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  and every run has to be faster than the next and looking at all my stats and now I'm just doing and being,
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  and giving up that control and then continuing to lean into that commitment
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  and then what it feels like to be me is someone who just really finds joy,
• 22:13
  in that experience of running.
• 22:16
  Well again, it doesn't always feel good but it's not about your feelings, it's about your actions.
• 22:20
  So if you base your commitments on how you feel, you're setting yourself up for a little bit of failure
• 22:25
  because your feelings change.
• 22:26
  I mean, they are like the weather.
• 22:29
  And then commitments can have expectations. So let's say that you commit to not eating dessert
• 22:33
  for six months, which is insane.
• 22:34
  Well, I mean, I feel that it's insane. So you can make an exception though for if you're,
• 22:40
  I don't know, if your mom's famous cake on your birthday, that would be fine.
• 22:44
  But the key is to be 100% sure that you intend to stick to the commitment.
• 22:49
  Not 100% that I will be perfect about the commitment, But I'm gonna stick to the commitment
• 22:53
  even if I recognize that I am not perfect.
• 22:56
  Even if I know that I'm gonna be human and I might slip up or I might even take ownership
• 23:01
  and action and say, oh, I will be slipping up over this weekend.
• 23:04
  Are you willing to make the commitment even if you know you won't always be perfect?
• 23:11
  Own standards and still stick to your commitment because that's the real question.
• 23:15
  And that's an important question to ask because it reverts back to, it turns out you're,
• 23:19
  the only one that you absolutely have a significant influence over.
• 23:25
  So let's start there with learning how to take action on things that matter to you,
• 23:29
  even if you don't find yourself being perfect.
• 23:33
  Okay, so what does that look like in real life? Let's stick with this, this exercise vibe. So
• 23:38
  imagine you have decided to start exercising again, or maybe not again, maybe this is the
• 23:44
  first time that you are going to be very intentional, very regular, and you really
• 23:47
  mean it because it's October. It's not even New Year's, it's not a New Year's resolution.
• 23:52
  So you make this commitment because you you want to feel better, you want to have more energy,
• 23:56
  maybe even fit into clothes that you've been eyeballing. Then you set a goal to maybe work
• 24:01
  out four or five times a week. Week one goes great. Typically does. I call that the shelf
• 24:06
  life. And how long is the shelf life? Normally is it one week? Is it two weeks? And even
• 24:11
  own it. How long do you typically stay on something? Because then you can start to gather
• 24:15
  this data. But week one, again, goes great. You're pumped. You hit the gym four times.
• 24:20
  And then life happens. As my buddy Preston used to say, life's all over you. Work gets
• 24:24
  busy. Your friends want to hang out more. Netflix releases a new season of one of your
• 24:29
  favorite shows. So before you know it, you've skipped the gym for an entire week, maybe two.
• 24:35
  And in that moment, how familiar is this? Then when you finally remember it, you start to feel
• 24:40
  a little bit like a failure because your thoughts might be saying, see, you cannot stick with
• 24:44
  anything and you feel discouraged. And this is where commitment comes in because you feel
• 24:50
  discouraged. But remember why you made the commitment. It's to be healthier, maybe to feel
• 24:55
  better, but you can't control how busy life gets, or you can, you can give it a shot.
• 25:00
  You can maybe eliminate a few things if you're being super honest with yourself,
• 25:04
  but there are also going to be times where again, it just life life's all over you.
• 25:08
  So in that moment, when you're feeling like that failure, it's just accepting
• 25:11
  the fact that you maybe can't control how busy life gets or how tempting it is
• 25:16
  to, to watch a new season of something, but you can start to lovingly control
• 25:22
  or your decision to hit the gym.
• 25:24
  You put on your workout clothes and you head out and you steer the ship back on course.
• 25:28
  And here's the thing.
• 25:29
  This is where all of the motivational speakers and the movies that we watch.
• 25:34
  Kind of sell this part where it's the greatest workout that you've ever had in your entire life.
• 25:41
  No, it might actually only be 11 minutes and it may not be that great.
• 25:44
  But then you have this opportunity to then say, okay, I did it even though it didn't feel amazing and I maybe even didn't really feel like doing it.
• 25:53
  Well, even if you veered off track, then your commitment isn't shattered,
• 25:57
  because you acknowledge that you just took a detour
• 25:59
  and you can feel the disappointment, you can feel the guilt,
• 26:02
  please, please do all you can to avoid shame.
• 26:05
  But then you get back on it because that's what commitment is all about,
• 26:08
  especially in acceptance and commitment therapy is taking a little more control of your actions,
• 26:13
  regardless of your thoughts or your feelings.
• 26:14
  And it doesn't mean that I'm stuffing my thoughts and feelings, oh no, I'm noticing them.
• 26:18
  As a matter of fact, I am grateful for them because they are going to, over time, absolutely be my guide,
• 26:25
  be my oracle, be my light post, because light post or lighthouse?
• 26:30
  Let's go with lighthouse. They're gonna be your lighthouse
• 26:32
  because those thoughts and feelings and emotions,
• 26:34
  especially if you internalize that in your childhood,
• 26:37
  if your feelings were not welcomed or if they were just dismissed,
• 26:41
  even not in a horrible kind of way, but in a, hey, don't worry about it,
• 26:44
  it's not that big of a deal champ kind of a way,
• 26:46
  then I really want you to acknowledge and accept and feel those feelings.
• 26:52
  But then you can start to move forward on the things that matter,
• 26:57
  especially if it's a value-based goal.
• 26:59
  And that will start to change, literally, like the neuropathways in your brain
• 27:04
  and help you start to feel more of a connection with yourself, what matters to you.
• 27:10
  And that is on the path of trying to live this rich and full and more meaningful life.
• 27:16
  Okay, now I am very aware that there are going to be some people that say, all right, but I really feel like if you're continuing to just do and yeah, sure, we're acknowledging the feelings, but then you must not really be dealing with a problem or an issue.
• 27:30
  And this is that concept of if I'm not worrying, I must not be caring, which I think, again, is just a story that our brain is telling us.
• 27:37
  So, let's just say you've got to, we're gonna go right back to the,
• 27:42
  let's go back to this playlist vibe, or this mixtape.
• 27:45
  So, if you've got a friend who is like a human alarm clock, and they are always set to worry mode, everything,
• 27:51
  and you pick up on that energy from them.
• 27:53
  And they think that if they're not constantly worrying or ruminating about problems,
• 27:56
  then they're not really dealing with them. And as a matter of fact,
• 27:58
  they really like to let you know that because they don't feel like you are dealing with things
• 28:02
  because you're not ruminating and worrying, which, quick psychology side note, projection anyone.
• 28:07
  So then if you are not doing it, then heaven forbid that might mean
• 28:11
  that they could be handling things a different way,
• 28:14
  so they need to make you feel bad about the fact that you're not worrying or ruminating,
• 28:17
  because that's what they're doing.
• 28:19
  And that would be much easier to try to say, well, you should be doing this too,
• 28:23
  rather than to turn around and look inward.
• 28:26
  So back to the mixtape or the playlist, they have one in their head that is stuck on the,
• 28:30
  this is worries greatest hits.
• 28:32
  And they think that that's the only way they can show that they care about what's happening in their life or quite
• 28:36
  frankly maybe your life as well. But worrying is not the same as solving. So
• 28:40
  if we flip the script then and we look at that worrying is not the same as actually dealing with an issue. It's kind of like mistaking a movie trailer for
• 28:48
  the entire movie. Sure worrying might give you a little sneak preview into what you're concerned about but it does not give you the full picture or any
• 28:55
  ACT solutions. So then instead ACT says hey instead of getting stuck in that
• 28:59
  worry loop, how about why not focus on actions that are in alignment with your
• 29:03
  values and get to doing? And even if the brain says we'll do what, then it's
• 29:08
  anything other than worrying and ruminating.
• 29:11
  How do you then find yourself in a position where you can start to face issues
• 29:16
  without that worry playlist?
• 29:17
  So, I mean, what if you could face all of life's challenges without that constant background noise of worry or concern?
• 29:23
  And sometimes it does feel like it's just this, this background white noise or just this buzz
• 29:28
  that's constantly going.
• 29:30
  So then here's where I would be recommending a more balanced playlist,
• 29:33
  one that includes tracks like taking action, being present, living according to my values,
• 29:38
  and why is it that I can still drink chocolate milk, but regular milk is really gross.
• 29:42
  I mean, that's kind of what ACT encourages. It's not about avoiding problems,
• 29:46
  but it's about engaging with them in a more productive way because you're not just stuck in a worry mode,
• 29:50
  you are now actively choosing how to respond to all of life's ups and downs,
• 29:54
  how to take action, how to respond.
• 29:56
  So the bottom line there is, I think this is a Hamilton song,
• 29:59
  worry less, live more.
• 30:01
  Okay, that was not a Hamilton song. And I think that at this point,
• 30:05
  I don't know why I feel like I'm in full dad joke mode, but to your friend who thinks that worrying
• 30:09
  is the only way to deal with life's problems, then you might say,
• 30:13
  okay, how about we try a different playlist?
• 30:14
  One that lets us actually solve problems instead of just being stressed about them.
• 30:18
  Because at the end of the day, worrying might feel like you are doing something,
• 30:22
  but ACT shows us that there's a more effective way to really engage with our challenges.
• 30:26
  Because okay, sure, worrying is doing, and I know that I'm supposed to just say, check that out,
• 30:31
  and yeah, it is a thing that you're doing, but I feel like there's a more productive thing to do,
• 30:37
  and that is to worry less.
• 30:40
  Okay, so checking the notes, I think it is time to wrap things up.
• 30:43
  We talked about the need for control, we talked about the pitfalls of worrying,
• 30:47
  and we talked about how ACT offers a fresh perspective on living a meaningful life
• 30:51
  and what that actually even means.
• 30:53
  And then if we wanna go big with the music theme for today, we've been curating a playlist for a rich, full life,
• 31:00
  and it turns out that you are the DJ.
• 31:03
  Let's throw some takeaways out there. we're almost at episode 400 of The Virtual Couch.
• 31:07
  And I remember back in the old, old, old days, I wanna say the first 10 episodes,
• 31:10
  I really, and I did it humorously, but I wanted to have this vibe of,
• 31:14
  you know, what did we learn today from all the 80s cartoons or Saturday morning TV shows?
• 31:19
  But what did we learn today? We learned that control is overrated.
• 31:22
  We learned that our need for control and certainty comes from our caveman days,
• 31:26
  but it's not really doing us many favors in the modern world.
• 31:30
  And if we go back to this music theme, and now we've got a DJ involved, then that is
• 31:34
  trying to control everything is trying to be a DJ at a party and you've got a broken
• 31:39
  turntable or maybe only one turntable and your microphone doesn't have a power supply.
• 31:45
  It just doesn't work.
• 31:46
  So let's bring a little more gentle awareness and focus on the things that we can have more
• 31:50
  control of, which are our actions.
• 31:53
  And then we also learned worrying is not problem solving. And that's a big one because it might feel like you're doing something and again, technically
• 31:59
  that you are, you are doing something, but it's more of this loop of stress and anxiety
• 32:03
  and it's kind of like playing the same sad song on repeat and expecting to feel better.
• 32:08
  That whole definition of insanity in its own kind of way. So we gotta learn to notice that worry track.
• 32:13
  Maybe we can just bump the turntable a little bit, skip past that, and then we start taking action
• 32:17
  on things that align with our values. And then last but not least,
• 32:21
  embrace the full range of human emotions.
• 32:24
  And this one's bigger, and I know I'm talking about these takeaways
• 32:28
  and let's wrap things up and I'll make this quick.
• 32:30
  But I'm so focused and loving and obsessed a bit with this concept of self-differentiation.
• 32:36
  If we're embracing the full range of human emotions, and we're looking at this from this differentiation angle,
• 32:42
  that it's the ability to separate one's own emotional and intellectual functioning from that of people
• 32:48
  in your family or anybody around you.
• 32:51
  It's like being the lead singer in the band. You're part of the group,
• 32:54
  but you also have your very own unique voice and style.
• 32:56
  And one of the key takeaways is that you can still have an interaction and a relationship
• 33:00
  with other band members and you don't have to tell them that they are not good or you don't have to defend yourself
• 33:05
  and say, I am such a good singer.
• 33:07
  And why differentiation is so necessary, especially in something like what we're talking about here
• 33:11
  in embracing the full range of human emotions?
• 33:13
  Because again, life is not just about the highs, chasing the highs, it's about the lows,
• 33:17
  it's about everything in between.
• 33:19
  And then when you can learn to embrace that, and this is why I just dig this concept so much,
• 33:23
  you're not just hearing the music, you are feeling it.
• 33:25
  You're feeling it deep in your soul, and then by being self-differentiated,
• 33:29
  you're not just a passive listener to the music that's going on around you
• 33:33
  or to life's playlist, you are the active participant.
• 33:37
  So you're able to say, this is how I feel, this is what I think, and it's okay if it's different
• 33:41
  from what other people feel or think.
• 33:43
  And so you can have different emotions and songs that go along with different experiences in your life
• 33:48
  because it is absolutely unique to you.
• 33:51
  Because where that leads is that then life all of a sudden it honest to goodness becomes your muse
• 33:56
  It becomes your classroom where every single experience and I really believe this good or bad is a lesson,
• 34:01
  Because when you're heading down this path of differentiation, you're not just you know, taking notes mindlessly
• 34:07
  You are actively engaging with the material whatever it is in this classroom of life that you're interacting with
• 34:13
  You're learning about your boundaries. You're learning about your values You're learning how to react to different situations and it's like every single experience is a different song teaching you something
• 34:21
  about something new about you, about your own rhythms and your own melodies
• 34:26
  and whenever you interact with another person or thing it brings up emotion and
• 34:31
  when you get to this place where you can say check that out then you're grateful
• 34:33
  for the experiences even the lows because you're gonna learn something from that. You've embraced the full range of human emotion through this lens of
• 34:41
  differentiation now you're not just accumulating this playlist of just random
• 34:45
  songs you're putting together your own playlist your own soundtrack that,
• 34:48
  reflects your growth, and your learning, and your unique voice.
• 34:52
  Even the bad notes, the ones that make you wince, they have value.
• 34:56
  And they teach you something about yourself that you, honestly, you can't learn any other way
• 35:00
  than by experiencing, experiencing life. The more you're out there going and doing,
• 35:05
  you are experiencing, and that is how you learn.
• 35:07
  So, are you ready to be the lead singer in your own life, embracing all the highs and the lows,
• 35:12
  and learning from each one?
• 35:14
  Because that is what a self-differentiated life offers you, a chance to engage really deeply with the world and deeply meaning deeply in
• 35:22
  the oh my gosh this is amazing and sometimes deeply in the wow this is a lot of emotion and but I'm gonna I'm gonna embrace it I'm gonna lean into it
• 35:29
  and I'm gonna bring a song out of it for sure.
• 35:33
  Because then you're going to come out the other side much richer in understanding and experience.
• 35:39
  I think I maybe shared this a little bit in the past, but I like using now some of the,
• 35:44
  AI Features Chat GPT or some others to then help give a summary for the podcast, for the show notes.
• 35:50
  So today then, this is where if you are worried about AI taking over the world, I did say,
• 35:55
  okay, here's the transcript. I came back and recorded this after, but here's the transcript
• 35:59
  of today's episode. And then I said, based off of this transcript, can you give me five
• 36:03
  alternative band names that are edgy but humorous based on today's podcast transcript?
• 36:09
  So here's where I don't think we're so worried about AI taking over the world. The five
• 36:12
  alternative band names that are edgy but humorous based on the full transcript of today's episodes,
• 36:17
  the worry warts. A nod to the common misconception that worrying is the only way to deal with life's
• 36:22
  problems. Number two, control freaks and the let-goes. A playful take on the struggle between
• 36:27
  the need for control and the freedom that comes with letting go. Number three, I wish I could say
• 36:33
  that they were getting better. That's not the case. Bowen's emotional outlaws. Tribute to Bowen
• 36:38
  theory of self-differentiation emphasizing the emotional independence it promotes. Again,
• 36:43
  remember, these are humorous and edgy. Number four, the uncertain certainties. A cheeky name
• 36:50
  that captures the paradox seeking certainty in an uncertain world. And last but not least,
• 36:55
  twist on acceptance and commitment therapy, and its focus on embracing a rich, full life even when it doesn't fit society's happy mold.
• 37:02
  And commitment therapy and its focus on embracing a rich full life even when it
• 37:07
  doesn't fit society's happy mold. Thanks for joining me everybody taking us out
• 37:12
  per usual, the wonderful, the talented, Aurora Florence.
• 37:15
  Music.