Latest / Neighbourly: Real Stories of Care and Community / Messy Advice... | Helper or Project Manager?

Transcript

Messy Advice... | Helper or Project Manager? · Neighbourly: Real Stories of Care and Community

• 0:00
  This one's for anyone who's ever offered help, then immediately started
• 0:03
  rearranging someone's kitchen just to make it more functional. You
• 0:07
  weren't trying to judge their spice rack, but now you're holding it.
• 0:11
  Let's be honest, Helping sounds noble, but
• 0:14
  sometimes it's just low key micromanaging in a cardigan.
• 0:18
  If we're honest, the line between compassion and control gets
• 0:22
  blurry fast. Someone says they're having a hard time time and you offer
• 0:26
  to help. Great, noble, loving,
• 0:30
  but somehow, let me know what you need turns into
• 0:33
  prescheduled check ins, unsolicited resources, and
• 0:37
  mild anxiety when they don't follow through. You didn't mean to become
• 0:40
  their personal project manager, and yet here you are color
• 0:44
  coding their healing journey like it's a work retreat. This
• 0:48
  is messy advice for people who care, for those who try to lighten someone's
• 0:52
  load and accidentally take over the entire moving truck.
• 0:56
  Hey. This is Johan on the edge of helpful here to talk
• 1:00
  about care, boundaries, and why it's okay that other people do things
• 1:03
  differently even if those things are wildly inefficient and
• 1:07
  spiritually questionable. Today's question gets into the
• 1:10
  heart of something a lot of us helpers struggle with. Let's get
• 1:14
  right into it. I want to help, but sometimes I
• 1:18
  wonder if I'm actually trying to take control. How do I know
• 1:22
  if I'm truly supporting someone or just making it
• 1:26
  about me? If you've ever confused
• 1:29
  being helpful with being in charge, you are very
• 1:33
  much not alone. According to a 2023
• 1:37
  Abacus data survey, one in two Canadians say they feel
• 1:41
  pressure to fix situations rather than to simply offer
• 1:44
  support, especially among caregivers and faith based volunteers.
• 1:49
  Apparently, we're a nation of well intentioned problem solvers
• 1:52
  who sometimes forget that compassion doesn't always require a clipboard.
• 1:57
  We're not trying to run anyone's life. We just want them to
• 2:00
  know that we have printed resources available. Helping
• 2:04
  can start as care and quietly drift into control.
• 2:08
  That line is thin. The heart is good. The
• 2:11
  result, debatable, and that's what we need to
• 2:15
  check. Helping someone doesn't mean becoming their life manager.
• 2:19
  And as much as I love Google documents and Google Sheets, you
• 2:22
  don't need to build one every time someone says, I'm struggling,
• 2:27
  unless they ask, then spreadsheet away. Here's
• 2:30
  a scenario. A friend shares that they're having a rough
• 2:34
  week. You say, anything I can do?
• 2:38
  They hesitate. So you suggest five things.
• 2:41
  You follow-up two days later with, did you try that podcast I
• 2:45
  sent? Unless, of course, it's this one, then it probably would be helpful.
• 2:49
  But suddenly, the vibe shifts from support to subtle
• 2:52
  pressure. You wanted to help, but now it feels like you're
• 2:56
  managing their outcome. Let's take a look at what
• 2:59
  scripture has to say. Let's get biblical.
• 3:03
  Biblical. The famous story in Luke 10,
• 3:07
  Mary and Martha. Jesus shows up at Mary and Martha's house,
• 3:11
  and immediately, that familiar dynamic kicks in.
• 3:15
  Mary drops everything, sits at Jesus's feet, and Martha
• 3:18
  kicks into hosting mode. She's chopping, tidying,
• 3:23
  reheating something that probably didn't need reheating. Martha is
• 3:26
  doing the right things, at least according to most of us raised
• 3:30
  on hospitality and casserole theology. But the longer Mary
• 3:33
  stays seated, the more agitated Martha becomes.
• 3:37
  Eventually, she explodes, and not at Mary, but at
• 3:41
  Jesus. She says, lord, don't you care that my
• 3:45
  sister has left me to do all the work for myself? Tell her to
• 3:48
  help me. You can practically hear the resentment simmering in
• 3:52
  her voice. She's not asking for support. She's demanding
• 3:56
  backup. And what's Jesus's response?
• 4:00
  Martha. Martha. You are worried and upset about many things.
• 4:05
  Okay. I don't think this is a rebuke. I think it's a gentle
• 4:08
  naming of what's underneath the bustle. Jesus sees that
• 4:12
  Martha's care has tipped into control. Her helpfulness has
• 4:16
  become anxious managing. Her hospitality, though well
• 4:19
  intended, has become a performance of responsibility
• 4:23
  over relationship. And Mary, she's not lazy.
• 4:27
  She's just chosen to sit in the moment undistracted,
• 4:32
  present with Jesus. This isn't a scolding of
• 4:35
  people who like to clean kitchens and organize schedules. Bless
• 4:39
  you. It's a reminder that sometimes our need to help
• 4:43
  can crowd out the people we're trying to care for, that we
• 4:47
  can do all the right things for Jesus and still miss
• 4:50
  being with him. Jesus isn't asking Martha to abandon her
• 4:54
  personality. He's inviting her to lay down her
• 4:58
  pressure. Not everything has to be held together.
• 5:01
  Sometimes the most spiritual thing you could do is sit down.
• 5:06
  So helpful doesn't have to mean hands on. Sometimes the
• 5:09
  most faithful thing you can offer isn't a solution. It's
• 5:13
  space. Space for people to be where they are and who
• 5:17
  they are. Space for them to ask. Space to sit
• 5:21
  without fixing. Sometimes presence is the ministry.
• 5:25
  Silence is the support. Love doesn't need a manual.
• 5:29
  So if you've been trying to help and it's starting to feel a little
• 5:33
  forced, maybe it's time you loosen your grip, not
• 5:36
  your love. And, hey, if you wanna join a
• 5:40
  conversation of like minded caregivers, join us on our Care
• 5:43
  Impact podcast group on Facebook. We'd love to hear where
• 5:47
  you're wrestling, where your help got a little too helpful. And
• 5:50
  until next time, keep loving, keep laughing, and if you've
• 5:54
  accidentally took over someone's healing process, maybe give
• 5:57
  it back now with love and a snack and
• 6:01
  always remember to stay curious.