Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E301: Relationship Expert: How To Find a Great Partner (And Avoid Divorce) | Lila Rose Show

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E301: Relationship Expert: How To Find a Great Partner (And Avoid Divorce) | Lila Rose Show · The Lila Rose Show

• 0:00
  Women change for relationships, Men change for consequences.
• 0:02
  So find a man who's already changed because he's already had
• 0:04
  the consequences. You need to find the man who
• 0:06
  wants to build a business with you, not the man who wants to be
• 0:09
  stimulated by you. A real woman with real value
• 0:11
  does not compete with anybody. All those questions you would
• 0:14
  recommend for the first date first really.
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  And second date I mean. Instead of like, let's just get
• 0:17
  to know each other and see if the vibe is good.
• 0:19
  Yeah, that's what the Bible says.
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  Yeah. Get to know each other and do
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  the vibe. That's what it says.
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  For eight years, there's one specific way that men need to be
• 0:24
  sharing with their wives. 4 steps.
• 0:26
  But I think a lot of women are going to say it feels impossible
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  to find this guy. A lot of modern men are raised
• 0:30
  by women, but when you push on a man, then ask him to start
• 0:33
  thinking critically and having conversations, he'll give you
• 0:35
  better answers. Turn your red flags into green
• 0:37
  flags by being clear that you know them, you're honest about
• 0:40
  them, and you're working on them.
• 0:45
  Thank you so much for listening to the Lila Roe show.
• 0:47
  By clicking on this video and listening to this episode,
• 0:49
  you're trusting us with your time and I'm so grateful for
• 0:52
  that. We are trying to get better
• 0:54
  every single episode. So continue to leave your
• 0:56
  feedback. We read your comments and we
• 0:58
  take it to heart. Also, thank you so much to
• 1:00
  everyone who has been subscribing.
• 1:01
  If you aren't already subscribed, be sure to hit that
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  subscribe button. And if you enjoy this episode,
• 1:06
  please leave this episode a like also go over to patreon.com/lila
• 1:11
  Roe show. A big thank you to everybody
• 1:13
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• 1:28
  Thank you so much to all of our patrons.
• 1:30
  Adam Lane Smith, welcome back to the podcast.
• 1:32
  I'm so glad to be here again, Lila, thank you for.
• 1:34
  Having me, I am delighted and congratulations on your Almost
• 1:37
  Born number six number six child.
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  So far people always say why do you have 6 kids, haven't you
• 1:44
  done enough to your wife? And I say it was her idea in the
• 1:46
  first place. I love that there's so much that
• 1:48
  I want to talk to you about today.
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  And the topic that I think has been one of the most asked for
• 1:54
  about on the show and that people seem to be very helped by
• 1:59
  is the question of how do we find and marry well the person
• 2:04
  that God may have for me. And so I wanted to kick this off
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  by asking you, why do you think today it has seemed so
• 2:11
  especially difficult for people to find the right person to
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  marry and to even get married? What?
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  Do you think most people think marriage is today in 2026?
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  What have you seen? What do they think?
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  What do they think the nature of the relationship is?
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  I think that it might look different for different folks,
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  but largely speaking, it involves a nice fancy wedding.
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  So I think the wedding is actually a lot about the
• 2:34
  marriage for the initial view people have.
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  And then it's some sort of, you know, you get a house together,
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  you move in together, you probably have a few kids
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  together. And you know, if your parents
• 2:46
  made mistakes, you don't make them.
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  And if they didn't make mistakes, you try to do it like
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  your parents. It is get together, give each
• 2:53
  other good feelings till one of us dies.
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  That's what most people are doing.
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  It's it's a friend that you sleep with and pay bills with.
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  That's what most people are thinking marriage is.
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  And that's why marriage is failing so bad today as we have
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  cut it down to such a pointless little thing.
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  That's not what marriage ever has been.
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  Biblical marriage and just human marriage in every culture and
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  every civilization for all of human history, has always been a
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  business. A business.
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  It will always be a business. It has always been a business
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  and it needs to be a business. It has to.
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  It is a business arrangement and when we start turning it into an
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  emotional arrangement first, that's where we go wrong and we
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  did that 100 years ago and it's been devastation ever since.
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  So you're saying it wasn't until maybe 100 years ago and I'm
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  guessing the Western largely world, especially US, we started
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  to view marriage as an emotional affair and not as a business
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  relationship, correct. What does that?
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  What does that mean? Marriage is the center of every
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  other business you will ever create in your life, whether
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  that's the business of children, grandchildren, great
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  grandchildren, if it's starting an actual company together and
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  physically protecting that company, if it's running a
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  household together, if it's running a non profit, You and
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  your husband have a tremendous amount going on.
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  I know that you do. Your marriage is the business,
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  the core business that everything else is a subsidiary
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  of. So you form a business contract
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  together agreeing that we will do this forever.
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  For the rest of our lives. We will keep growing our skills.
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  We will unite and be 1 together, 1 entity.
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  This is a company. You've built a company together
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  and that's why you guys are winning in your marriage.
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  But that's what marriage always has been.
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  Now it's also supposed to be joining larger family structures
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  and uniting groups, tribes, neighborhoods, everything,
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  bonding together. So it's not meant to be two
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  human beings in isolation either.
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  But putting that aside, even if it is 2 human beings today, it's
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  a business and we have to pick a business partner who is savvy,
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  whose skill set matches ours, whose weaknesses are fixed by
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  our strengths, their strengths, their weaknesses, us.
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  All of that has to be bonded together.
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  We have to really look at that. It would be much smarter for
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  people today to read a book about how to pick a Co founder
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  than to pick a romantic partner. So I have so many questions
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  about what you just said. And I get that a.
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  Lot. It's very There's a lot that's
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  so compelling there. But first of all, what about
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  love? The role of love and attraction.
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  Love is absolutely vital in a marriage.
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  It absolutely is. Feelings of love, not just and
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  by love. Obviously we should define it.
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  It's a choice to will the good of the other, but also the
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  feelings of love and attraction. Feelings of attraction, feelings
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  of commitment, feelings of affection, those are there.
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  I tend to think that love itself is not a feeling most people
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  think it is. There's feelings associated with
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  it, certainly, and we and we can wrap those up and call them
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  love. But love itself is doing what is
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  truly best for the other human being, not what makes them
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  comfortable or even what makes them happy necessarily, but
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  what's truly best for them. That's what it means when the
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  Bible says love thy neighbor. It doesn't mean have affection
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  for your neighbor. It means do what's actually best
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  for your neighbor. So yes, it is important that a
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  marriage grow and love and intimacy and affection and all
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  of those things that we call, but it needs to be business
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  first. I'm not advocating for arranged
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  marriage, maybe assisted marriage, right, but but it
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  needs to be. Can we work together before it's
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  Do we have wild, inescapable passion for each other that can
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  be built? But would you say the base level
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  is you need to feel attraction for the person?
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  It doesn't need to be wild, crazy infatuation, but there
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  needs to be at least attraction. Would you say it's like a floor
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  level? Or yeah, I have a lot of
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  coaching clients come to me and they ask and I have a three,
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  three chemistry process that you go through.
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  One is primal chemistry. Usually we need to be about 7
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  out of 10 a person when you have to like what they sound like,
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  how they smell, how they talk, how they act, their sense of
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  humor. About 7 out of 10, we know that
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  when you have a rich oxytocin bonding hormone that takes
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  months to build, When you have that, they go up by about 20%.
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  So that seven out of 10 turns into a nine out of 10 for each
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  side, right? Then there's personal chemistry
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  #2 which is our values, our goals.
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  Most people substitute this for the music we like in the movies,
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  we like in the video games and the Netflix shows.
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  And that's everything about how we bond.
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  But it's supposed to be our religious faith, our beliefs,
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  our goals, our desires, what we're building and crafting more
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  business arrangement. And the number 3 is the
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  attachment chemistry. You knew I was going to do that.
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  So the attachment chemistry, if can we form relationships where
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  we actually resolve issues transparently and explicitly, or
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  do we keep everything inside and try to just buckle down on our
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  own? Those three types of chemistry
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  are crucial. Yes, primal chemistry is there,
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  but it doesn't need to be 11 out of 10 like most people think.
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  So using that framework to start with primal chemistry, it sounds
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  like that's not something you can develop except for that
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  extra 20% after you build trust with the person.
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  It's either. There or it's not.
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  Women can develop it a little bit.
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  I think that I've, I mean, I've seen that, yes, you know.
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  Women can foster it a little bit.
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  Women could be forgiving of a man who's a little uglier or a
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  little less attractive in some ways.
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  Men need usually about 6 1/2, seven out of 10 to begin with.
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  We're just very visually stimulated creatures,
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  unfortunately, in that regard. But every man has a different
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  type. So any person out there who's
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  worrying that she's not a Barbie doll, you don't have to be,
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  right? Find the guy that likes who you
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  are. But about 7 out of 10 for every
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  person is what? They're and so that's more like
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  nature, not nurture. That's more the natural stuff
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  you have as opposed to what you can build.
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  There, there's an element of it, absolutely.
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  Yeah, the the oxytocin and the vasopressin bonding hormones
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  increase that and help it. There does need to be a base
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  element. Now, I, I just before we move on
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  to the other forms of chemistry and then into the whole work of
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  finding and building a, a marriage as a business like
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  you're describing. Is there any advice you have for
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  people about preparing themselves to be on just that
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  first level of chemistry, on that primal chemistry, the most
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  likely of six or seven of the person that they would desire?
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  Absolutely. Remember that no matter who you
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  are, what you look like, what your hair is, your body shape,
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  male, female, whoever you are, you are somebody's type.
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  The goal is not to become everybody's type.
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  The goal is to become the best, most attractive version of the
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  type that you are so that the people who are attracted to you
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  spot you and desire you so that you have that.
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  If you have whatever body type you have, make sure you're
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  living to it. Let's just say that in the most
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  tasteful way, obviously. What does that meaning like even
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  if you're built larger or smaller or whatever it is, be
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  healthy as best you can so you're more most.
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  You're in your most true form, not the cultural societal norm
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  form. Absolutely your most true form
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  to attract that mate. Absolutely.
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  If you're afraid that your hair is the wrong color, if you're
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  afraid that you are too fat in certain areas, too skinny in
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  other areas, if you're afraid that your eyebrows are a wrong
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  shape or your nose is a certain shape or your lips are too thin
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  or too fat or whatever. It is optimized.
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  Because understand, every person has a different type.
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  Every person has a range of what they prefer.
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  They look at their mom for the first years of life and they
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  probably just want to see you and their mom.
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  It's just a strange thing, to be honest with you.
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  My mother was a redhead and every woman I ever dated was a
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  redhead, down to my wife was a redhead down to my daughters,
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  who are all redheads now. I have that in me.
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  I I just could not be with a woman who was blonde.
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  That's just never going to work for me.
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  So you have you noticed that pattern?
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  Men tend to be attracted to women that look like a younger
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  version of their mothers. Quite often, quite often, that's
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  often the case. Sometimes.
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  Sometimes other things come in and skew that as well.
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  But a lot of times I've strangely have found that yes,
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  it seems very true. Interesting.
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  So then the general advice though, and then you said try to
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  augment or try to develop whatever your, you know,
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  physicality is to be the best you can be.
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  I just want to get your take on this because it seems to be all
• 10:34
  the rage looks maxing because I do think it impacts bonding and
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  it impacts the way we see ourselves and other people and
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  how we feel love and how we receive and give love.
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  A lot of people are pursuing plastic surgery, you know,
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  things that are more like like fillers and Botox or, you know,
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  there's younger people like Clavicleer who's, you know, I
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  don't know if they're like breaking their bones and then
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  restructuring them. So there's extreme versions of
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  this. But largely speaking, the beauty
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  industry, not just like makeup, but beauty treatments and beauty
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  cosmetic surgeries has increased dramatically.
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  It's in the billions and billions of dollars increases
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  every year, year over year. Your average girl is considering
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  whether she should get fillers and, you know, Botox and she's
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  in her 20s. Do you think that that's good,
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  Bad. Do you think that affects
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  attachment and preparing to meet the right mate?
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  I think that people are desperate to try to find
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  somebody and get them to pay attention.
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  I think that people are out there trying to stimulate other
• 11:32
  people visually, and that's not the process here.
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  You're trying to attract somebody, which is different
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  from stimulating them. A lot of women are modeling
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  themselves based on the porn industry because that's what
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  they think most men are attracted to and want and look
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  at. And a lot of men who have
• 11:46
  insecure attachment and problems and and biochemical issues
• 11:49
  because of their attachment challenges are dopamine focused.
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  So if you want to be a woman who stimulates dopamine in people,
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  they're probably not going to consider you for marriage.
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  You're going to look like somebody who is there for
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  dopamine and that's going to trigger their brain in a very
• 12:02
  specific way. It's unfortunate, but it's true.
• 12:05
  If you want to be a woman who is trying to find a business
• 12:08
  partner, you're probably not looking for a porn saturated
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  man. You're looking for a man who's
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  looking for a partner who takes herself seriously in those areas
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  and is not trying to go for vanity.
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  If you look desperate, they will assume you're desperate.
• 12:21
  Spoke with like a true father. That's such good advice, what
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  you just said. And it's really lovely coming
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  from a man who has your, you know, therapeutic background and
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  everything else, because I think women and men need to hear that
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  message where yes, you want to maximize your beautiful
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  God-given body. Take care of it, you know,
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  present yourself the best you can.
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  But if you're trying to appeal to look a certain way, that is
• 12:44
  ultimately A pornified version that the culture is like
• 12:46
  pushing. I mean, that's where it came
• 12:48
  from. Like you look at like the Mona
• 12:49
  Lisa, the poor Mona Lisa would get torn apart, you know, on
• 12:52
  social media today in terms of like, not seen as the perfect
• 12:55
  ideal woman, like her lips and, you know, her eyebrows and, you
• 12:58
  know, even her, her her body, like she's larger woman.
• 13:02
  And I just think, but she's this lovely, mysterious, you know,
• 13:05
  inviting creature that like everyone has marvelled at, you
• 13:08
  know, now for centuries. I agree, it's really hard to
• 13:12
  find good content to watch with my kids for when they are
• 13:15
  allowed to have screen time. I'm always on the lookout for
• 13:18
  low stimulating, story driven and values based kids content.
• 13:22
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• 13:38
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• 13:42
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• 13:47
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• 13:51
  Kirk Cameron. And right now, just for my
• 13:53
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• 13:56
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  I will say this, in my coaching practice, I work with so many
• 14:57
  people and I have a lot of actual literal global
• 15:00
  supermodels coming to me at this point.
• 15:02
  Sometimes they're coming with their husband or their boyfriend
• 15:04
  and they I keep hearing the same thing.
• 15:06
  He's not attracted to me anymore.
• 15:09
  The supermodel is the. Supermodels, he's not attracted
• 15:12
  he can't get an erection He just our our sex life is dead.
• 15:17
  I don't feel attractive, I feel ugly.
• 15:20
  These are the women that every woman on earth is comparing
• 15:22
  herself to and they are saying I feel ugly, unattracted, and my
• 15:25
  husband doesn't want me and won't look at me.
• 15:28
  That's dopamine. Dopamine burns out.
• 15:30
  It has an absolute end. There's novelty dopamine of of
• 15:34
  if, if, if you're dating somebody, it's about five to
• 15:37
  seven months of dating and it falls off a Cliff and it's gone.
• 15:40
  So if you you are trying to look 9 out of 10, it just drags on
• 15:45
  for an extra couple weeks and then it dies.
• 15:47
  We're not meant to bond through dopamine.
• 15:49
  We can't. It's an object thing.
• 15:51
  It's not a human thing. So for all the women out there
• 15:54
  who are trying to be stimulating, you think you're
• 15:56
  competing with the hub, you think you're competing with
• 15:58
  Tinder, you think you're competing with Instagram, you're
• 16:00
  not. Those are the wrong chemicals.
• 16:02
  A real woman with real value does not compete with anybody.
• 16:06
  And that's what I want to send out there to all the women who
• 16:08
  are listening right now. You are not.
• 16:10
  You're not in competition with anyone.
• 16:12
  You need to find the man who wants to build a business with
• 16:14
  you, not the man who wants to be stimulated by you.
• 16:17
  Mic drop. That's so good and it's so
• 16:20
  needed for women and men to hear today.
• 16:22
  What do you tell those couples? What do you tell those couples
• 16:25
  where they're objectively some of the most beautiful people on
• 16:28
  the planet and they're married or they're in relationship and
• 16:31
  they can't even sexually, they're not even sexually
• 16:33
  attracted anymore? Great question.
• 16:35
  I, I usually start asking the man, I don't blame him, but I
• 16:38
  ask him. I say, do you know how to, when
• 16:40
  you come home, breathe and let everything out and then actually
• 16:44
  be present with her? Does your mind turn off?
• 16:46
  Are you able to immerse with her or is she one more problem to
• 16:49
  solve? Do you know how to talk with
• 16:50
  her? Do you know how to receive the
• 16:52
  peace she's trying to give you? Do you know how to help her feel
• 16:55
  safe and cared for so she can give you that peace?
• 16:57
  Do you know that your nervous system has another mode you can
• 17:00
  flip into, which is a rest and digest mode?
• 17:02
  Most of these men have what we call avoiding attachment style.
• 17:04
  They're incredibly high performers, sometimes in the
• 17:07
  multibillion dollar level, and they cannot click into a piece
• 17:11
  mode, so the receptors for bonding are closed and they just
• 17:15
  go through their life looking at one beautiful thing after
• 17:18
  another, trying to get stimulation because they can
• 17:20
  never rest. So there's that woman who adores
• 17:22
  him. She's a supermodel, yes, but
• 17:24
  she's a woman 1st and she's trying to give him peace and
• 17:27
  warmth and love and immerse him in her goodness.
• 17:30
  And he can't. So he can't receive everything
• 17:33
  that she's trying to give. So of course it's just dopamine
• 17:36
  stimulation that will die. No matter how beautiful the
• 17:38
  woman is, that will die at some point because he can't.
• 17:41
  Lot of men out there who can't receive women.
• 17:43
  They're a lot like the dog chasing the car and then they
• 17:45
  catch the car and have no idea what to do.
• 17:47
  So they find the next car that's driving by.
• 17:49
  So these men are. Still sexually interested, but
• 17:51
  they are not interested in that warm, inviting, peace filled
• 17:54
  woman in their own home, even if she's objectively 10 out of 10.
• 17:57
  You know, gorgeous. He now needs to go achieve the
• 18:00
  next maybe sexual conquest and that's part of what's might be
• 18:03
  destroying the relationship. Absolutely.
• 18:04
  And many of the. Men don't want to, so they
• 18:06
  actually buckle down and say I'll just never be happy again
• 18:09
  and they don't want to break up. The marriage They don't want to.
• 18:11
  They don't want to. Betray her.
• 18:12
  They're they're very ethical men.
• 18:13
  They're trying hard. But now it's my life will be
• 18:16
  joyless and I will continue pouring myself out.
• 18:19
  And this is where a lot of good Christian men get trapped with
• 18:21
  this high performing Christian men.
• 18:23
  I just have to sacrifice my happiness for the rest of my
• 18:27
  life, never be fulfilled again and never have joy.
• 18:30
  And the wife is sitting there saying, I don't want that for
• 18:32
  you. What do we do?
• 18:33
  And they just look at each other and have no clue.
• 18:36
  That's attachment right there. By the way, what do you tell?
• 18:39
  That man what, what does he have to do to be able to break out of
• 18:42
  that terrible pattern he's in and the woman, they're both in a
• 18:45
  bad pattern. There's a couple of things that.
• 18:47
  I tell people and and it it cannot be 5 hour conversations.
• 18:50
  That actually is death for everybody.
• 18:51
  Talking, talking. Talking, most people get stuck
• 18:53
  in a loop. Right.
• 18:54
  And they don't know what to do. I tell people there's three
• 18:56
  minute conversations you need to be having.
• 18:58
  And if you can't have a three minute conversation about
• 19:00
  desire, about needs, about hopes, about peace, about
• 19:02
  solving a problem, then you can't have any conversation. 3
• 19:05
  minutes is all you need to fix most problems.
• 19:07
  If you can't, there's an attachment problem and a skill
• 19:10
  issue right there. So what I tell men first is
• 19:12
  learn with a skill to manage your nervous system and bring it
• 19:15
  down. Nobody on the planet can calm
• 19:17
  your nervous system except you, and you have to use physical
• 19:19
  techniques. God gave us one brain, but he
• 19:21
  split it in half. Our emotional side takes over.
• 19:24
  The logical brain goes down. You cannot logic your way out of
• 19:26
  your feelings. God also gave us a body and a
• 19:29
  nervous system to manage the rest of our brains.
• 19:31
  So you use your body to manage the nervous system and cool the
• 19:34
  emotions. Men don't know how to do this
• 19:35
  today. You have to learn number one,
• 19:38
  she can't get to you while your guard is up.
• 19:39
  When you manage your nervous system correctly, then you can
• 19:42
  begin sharing with her and talking with her and relaxing
• 19:45
  with her as you communicate and build expectations and clear
• 19:48
  relationship structures. You can share your desires.
• 19:51
  She can soften and you can soften.
• 19:52
  You can actually immerse in her nervous system as it's calm and
• 19:56
  settled. Men are supposed to provide
• 19:58
  safety, but a woman turns that safety back into peace for him
• 20:02
  and rests him in it. If he can't do that, he just
• 20:05
  needs to learn to fix his nervous system.
• 20:07
  How do you do that? What we what's the tips that you
• 20:09
  give a guy who's just so amped up, he can't just rest calm and
• 20:13
  receive be that safe place for her and let her rest calm and
• 20:15
  then they really connect. So a few things.
• 20:17
  One if his oxytocin has been low for life from childhood.
• 20:21
  Again, avoid an attachment style.
• 20:23
  Typically very high performers, almost all of them have this.
• 20:26
  They can never ever rest. So they work 16 hours a day.
• 20:28
  They build great companies, they're incredible achievers.
• 20:30
  But at home they're usually awful.
• 20:33
  I just, there's no other word for it.
• 20:34
  They're not horrible or cruel, but they just are closed and
• 20:37
  cold. They need to learn 1st to take
• 20:42
  breaths and reset in a moment and calm down.
• 20:46
  I have a specific 13 minute technique that I teach my
• 20:48
  coaching clients that just brings them down from 8 out of
• 20:51
  10 to 1 out of 10. Nervous system and they can calm
• 20:54
  down and reset their nervous system through vagus
• 20:56
  stimulation, through body techniques and and just managing
• 20:59
  it with through breathing and stretching it and all of these
• 21:01
  pieces. It's amazing how fast it works
• 21:03
  when you know what to do. And as you come down, your
• 21:06
  oxytocin receptors begin to open up and unblock from the
• 21:09
  cortisol. Now this allows that woman to
• 21:11
  then stimulate you with touch, scratching your scalp, nonsexual
• 21:15
  touch, holding you, touching you, playing with you, flirting
• 21:18
  with you. You can't even have flirtation
• 21:20
  in your marriage if you're in a in a stimulated sympathetic
• 21:23
  nervous system state. It's the rest and digest
• 21:25
  parasympathetic state where playfulness and fun happens.
• 21:29
  Most of these men tell me I want my wife to be more playful and
• 21:31
  flirtatious, but he's not giving her the safety to help her click
• 21:35
  into that mode either, so he's preventing her from doing it.
• 21:37
  If you can then play oxytocin levels go up, which releases a
• 21:41
  chemical GABA, GABA which goes up, which suppresses your
• 21:44
  cortisol going forward and now you're kept in a long term
• 21:48
  productive, healthy rest and digest state.
• 21:50
  We see your nervous system improve, your immune system
• 21:52
  improve. Men become more resilient
• 21:54
  against cancer, heart attack, stroke, stronger, more arousal,
• 21:58
  shall we say, but also more joy in his life.
• 22:01
  If his testosterone was down 30% from chronic stress, which we
• 22:05
  see in our culture, it actually begins to go up at this point.
• 22:08
  His human growth hormone goes up, his sleep improves, his
• 22:11
  wound healing improves, his muscles grow stronger and
• 22:14
  faster. Everything improves
• 22:15
  biochemically for him. So I hear a lot, and I'm sure
• 22:17
  you hear this too. What do women bring to the
• 22:19
  table, right? That's the question going around
• 22:21
  on social media all the time. This is what women bring to the
• 22:23
  table. But most men have the door
• 22:25
  locked in her face and he doesn't realize it.
• 22:27
  What would you? Say to for those 3 minute that
• 22:30
  three minute conversation. So once he can get in the in
• 22:33
  enough state of chill, including deep breathing and just trying
• 22:38
  to relax, and then you have these saying this three minute
• 22:41
  conversation. What is that 3 minute
• 22:43
  conversation? How do you have that three
• 22:45
  minute conversation instead of getting into endless circles of
• 22:48
  or loops of conflict or disagreement or misunderstanding
• 22:52
  or whatever? That's a great question.
• 22:53
  Here's a. Three minute question, someone
• 22:54
  want to time me 3 minutes on this do let's time it.
• 22:57
  Yeah, here's. A 3 minute conversation or less
• 22:59
  that a man like that a high performer can have with his wife
• 23:01
  to actually begin calming down at home.
• 23:04
  By the way, one quick. Question.
• 23:05
  Does this also apply to dates? It can and.
• 23:09
  Should this works perfectly if you're dating and you're getting
• 23:11
  ready to go into a process into a relationship.
• 23:14
  This is how you could do at the beginning and set up this
• 23:16
  expectation or your husband coming home to your wife and
• 23:19
  you're having difficulties. Amazing.
• 23:20
  Let's. Let's assume he's.
• 23:21
  Coming home to his wife amazing and he.
• 23:23
  Wants to rest and. Has never told her before that
• 23:25
  he can't sound good. 2 minutes, yes, I'm going.
• 23:28
  To pretend you're a wife, OK. Sweetheart, I need to be honest
• 23:32
  with you. I always want to take care of
• 23:35
  you and I always want you to be OK.
• 23:36
  And a lot of times it feels like you're not.
• 23:38
  So when I come home and you look stressed out or tired or
• 23:41
  frazzled, I feel like I need to take care of you immediately and
• 23:44
  my brain won't turn off so I stay in problem mode.
• 23:48
  I'm not telling you not to have feelings, but when I come home,
• 23:50
  I would love to rest with you in a good, peaceful environment.
• 23:53
  First, give me a status report. Tell me if there's any red
• 23:56
  flags. If there's no fires, I'm going
• 23:58
  to do my nervous system work and cool down and I'd like some time
• 24:01
  to decompress. But then I want to sit with you.
• 24:04
  I want us to laugh. I want us to play for at least
• 24:06
  30 minutes, maybe an hour. I need that time with you, but I
• 24:09
  need to know that I can turn off.
• 24:12
  Can you give me that report? Give me the decompression and
• 24:15
  can we play just a little bit? If we can do that, I know I can
• 24:18
  be there for you now I'm. Imagining what a wife or other
• 24:23
  person might say and they might say it all sounds great.
• 24:27
  I'm stressed out of my mind. I had a super stressful day and
• 24:32
  I you know, if they have kids, there's kids running around,
• 24:36
  there's dinner. If this is the end of work day.
• 24:38
  And so you going off and destressing and then coming to
• 24:40
  me and just wanted to hang out, you know, I don't know how we're
• 24:44
  going to make that happen. Sounds nice.
• 24:46
  We need. To make this happen, because
• 24:47
  otherwise you and I, we're not connecting the way we need to.
• 24:49
  I'm not getting what I need, but you're not also getting the best
• 24:52
  of me. And I don't want to do that.
• 24:53
  So I agree, let's build some systems where you're less
• 24:56
  stressed. Let's take some of that off your
• 24:57
  plate. Let's work together and get that
• 24:59
  corrected #1 #2 let's time our schedule.
• 25:02
  So if I need some time to decompress, you obviously do
• 25:04
  too. And maybe we need to time the
• 25:06
  time with the kids. Maybe it's at night, maybe it's
• 25:08
  from 9:00 to 9:45. Let's build that.
• 25:10
  Let's be smart about this. But this is absolutely
• 25:13
  mandatory. We can't, we can't not do this.
• 25:15
  You're saying for the sake? Of the health of the
• 25:17
  relationship for our business. And every business that comes
• 25:20
  from it. This is non negotiable, so would
• 25:24
  you? Recommend sticking the kids in
• 25:25
  front of a 20 minute cartoon every evening.
• 25:30
  Like what are the stakes here? That's totally fine.
• 25:32
  You think so? I.
• 25:33
  Think that if. We need to then, sure, let's be
• 25:38
  strategic, right? 20 minutes of cartoons every
• 25:41
  night. But the parents have a loving,
• 25:44
  intimate, intact romantic relationship where the father
• 25:47
  can be emotionally connected to his kids and his wife and show
• 25:50
  them that. Where the mom is calmer and more
• 25:52
  relaxed and at peace and breathing.
• 25:55
  Where everybody is actually flowing and they get to talk
• 25:58
  about what's going on and share. And the kids see the parents
• 26:01
  managing. And then they have a strong,
• 26:03
  vibrant marriage for the next 50 years that the kids get the
• 26:06
  model on. I think that 20 minutes of
• 26:09
  cartoons, especially quality material that shows and
• 26:11
  adventures, is great. My kids are loving that.
• 26:13
  It's pretty safe. That would be a great payoff to
• 26:17
  achieve what we're looking for. We don't have to have absolute
• 26:19
  perfection. We need to do some balancing and
• 26:22
  take care of ourselves, but the marriage is everything.
• 26:25
  Shout out to Brave Plus it's a kid, a low stem streaming
• 26:28
  network that we love in the show.
• 26:32
  I I remember when I was Joe and I were dating, we went to
• 26:36
  counseling, marriage counseling in preparation of where we were
• 26:38
  engaged, preparation to be married and the council of very
• 26:42
  older gentlemen had done decades of counseling couples, families.
• 26:46
  And he said, you should talk. It's different than what you're
• 26:50
  saying because talk was a big part of it, which I think what
• 26:52
  you're saying is more valuable because sometimes talk can be
• 26:55
  exhausting, especially for the man.
• 26:56
  But he was saying 30 minutes, close the door, talk to each
• 27:00
  other, put the kids in front of ATV.
• 27:02
  Like just if you have kids, put them in front of ATV.
• 27:04
  You need to look each other in the eyes and talk, yes.
• 27:08
  In. Terms of activity.
• 27:10
  Let's say there's this 3 minutes at least of talk, but what else?
• 27:14
  3 minutes to. Solve a problem to solve a
• 27:15
  problem. Correct.
• 27:17
  Absolutely. But you can talk more than
• 27:18
  three. Minutes.
• 27:19
  Absolutely, and you might. Need to set a schedule to have
• 27:21
  bullet points that you both come with for that conversation, but
• 27:23
  it needs to be short, not five hours talk.
• 27:26
  There's another way that men do this and I teach men all the
• 27:28
  time. Do you know how to talk to your
• 27:30
  wife? And they always say, I have no
• 27:32
  idea. I say, would you like to learn a
• 27:33
  method of talk that can, you can do it about 5 to 10 minutes a
• 27:37
  day that will make your sex life triple.
• 27:40
  And they say, well, yeah, Adam, I'm willing to learn that.
• 27:44
  So I say, OK, here's what you need to understand.
• 27:46
  Your wife needs to know that she is becoming more personally
• 27:49
  valuable to you over time because you value her wisdom and
• 27:52
  her character and her experience.
• 27:54
  Wives know that they are trading youth and beauty for wisdom and
• 27:58
  experience. It's an amazing trade that makes
• 28:00
  both of your lives better. But she needs to know that it is
• 28:03
  not youth and beauty that's keeping you with her.
• 28:05
  It's who she is, so you need to have conversations with her at
• 28:09
  least three to four times a week where you really embody that.
• 28:13
  You with me. So far, that's sounding good.
• 28:15
  I've seen, I see the look in your eyes.
• 28:17
  So to do this, there's one specific way that men need to be
• 28:19
  sharing with their wives. Very, very specific.
• 28:21
  And it's counterintuitive. 4 steps.
• 28:25
  You know, I always have numbers, right?
• 28:26
  Four steps. Number one, sweetheart, can I
• 28:28
  bounce some ideas off of you? I have something that's going on
• 28:31
  in my life right now. I just kind of want to run by
• 28:33
  you. See what your brain does?
• 28:35
  The male's brain observes problems in the back and jumps
• 28:37
  forward to solve them as fast as possible, but without much
• 28:40
  nuance. You might have noticed this
• 28:41
  sometimes with men, that we get very laser focused and we jump
• 28:44
  too fast. The female brain observes in the
• 28:46
  back and goes back and forth across the hemispheres to make
• 28:48
  connections, relationships, and analyze data.
• 28:51
  Slower at decision making, but more nuanced and more
• 28:54
  thoughtful. We're supposed to be this way,
• 28:56
  so our brains are actually meant to fit in like this and work
• 28:58
  together. God built us that way.
• 29:01
  So, sweetheart, can I run an idea by you?
• 29:03
  Yeah, no problem. Here's a problem I'm facing.
• 29:06
  Challenge. Maybe it's at work, right?
• 29:08
  Steve at work won't stop talking.
• 29:10
  He's always bothering me and he's being very rude and I don't
• 29:13
  like it. Right.
• 29:14
  Steve at work won't stop talking.
• 29:15
  It's affecting my work performance.
• 29:17
  You talk about how you feel. So the problem you're facing,
• 29:21
  the feeling you're having, this is useful sensory data.
• 29:24
  It tells her what your priority level is, how significant it is,
• 29:27
  how much time you have left. It also humanizes you so she
• 29:30
  understands what decisions you're making and why.
• 29:32
  It is really frustrating me because I am.
• 29:35
  I'm very prideful about my work. I love my work.
• 29:38
  I really take it seriously. And it's making it harder
• 29:40
  because Steve won't stop talking #3 the solution you think you're
• 29:44
  going to apply? I think I'm just going to punch
• 29:47
  Steve right in the mouth. That will make him stop and
• 29:49
  he'll leave me alone. It'd be great.
• 29:51
  Male brain, right? Most men stop here and say,
• 29:54
  Adam, if I already have a solution, why am I talking to my
• 29:56
  wife? This is stupid.
• 29:57
  I'm just going to go do it. Here's why #4 before I do that,
• 30:04
  is there anything I've missed? Do you have any thoughts to add
• 30:07
  to that as I'm making this decision?
• 30:10
  It's not. Should I do that?
• 30:11
  You're not making her the boss and and making her the one
• 30:14
  responsible. Is there anything I've missed?
• 30:16
  You're actually checking in with her and saying, look, you know
• 30:19
  my way of thinking, you know where I'm short, you know where
• 30:22
  I'm good, you know where I'm bad.
• 30:23
  You know everything about me and your brain works different from
• 30:26
  mine. I trust you.
• 30:28
  Can you run this through your brain and tell me what I'm
• 30:30
  missing? And the woman's brain, it's
• 30:32
  beautiful. When my wife does this, she just
• 30:34
  comes up with crazy things I would never have imagined.
• 30:37
  Well, this could work. But this and this and this, this
• 30:39
  will be a problem. Here's this.
• 30:42
  The man goes, wow, I never thought about that.
• 30:43
  OK, so if I do this, I add this piece and usually women will
• 30:49
  present it as well. What about this?
• 30:50
  Have you thought about this? They'll ask questions.
• 30:52
  Women don't usually like to say direct, but they'll ask
• 30:55
  questions and stimulate his thinking brain.
• 30:58
  And this is the discussion. This is you actually getting
• 31:00
  your wife's wisdom because no one will ever know you better
• 31:02
  than your wife knows you realistically.
• 31:04
  Fair. That's so good.
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  Use code Lila at checkout. I think there is a there is sort
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  of a narrative around men that men cannot show vulnerability or
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  weakness, that is weak to show weakness.
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  And men are not able to express their feelings intimately with a
• 33:05
  woman because they're afraid of rejection or not looking strong
• 33:09
  enough or they don't know how to even verbalize that.
• 33:12
  Yeah, so I tell. Men, and I hear this a lot, you
• 33:14
  get 2 choices. You can show weakness or you can
• 33:17
  show stupidity. Which one do you want to show
• 33:19
  weakness? In this case is I'm having a
• 33:21
  challenge, I need to fix it, I'm working on it.
• 33:24
  I'd like some advice and some counsel.
• 33:26
  I'm a wise enough man to know that I'll never be perfect.
• 33:29
  So I have some challenges. Can you run it through your
• 33:31
  brain and give me this experience and the benefit of
• 33:33
  your wisdom? So you can look weak, quote UN
• 33:36
  quote, vulnerable in that moment because you're facing a
• 33:38
  challenge and grow their respect for you because you're a man who
• 33:41
  faces your challenges head on and does something about them.
• 33:44
  Or you can look like an idiot who says I can't ask anyone for
• 33:48
  anything so I'm going to get it wrong all the time.
• 33:52
  Two choices. What if they think they're?
• 33:54
  Getting it right, that's. Fantastic.
• 33:56
  And they might for a while. But nobody, no man, is an
• 33:59
  island, and every man, even righteous men, sin 40 times a
• 34:03
  day. So we're told.
• 34:05
  And the wife? The woman is supposed to be
• 34:07
  helpful in this way, is just what you're saying.
• 34:09
  And that's also a pathway to connecting and bonding with her,
• 34:11
  right? It's such a.
• 34:12
  Business, you need to invite it. Sounds like what you're saying
• 34:14
  to me, whether it's in a relationship where you're
• 34:17
  getting to know someone and you're testing connection and
• 34:19
  developing connection, or you're married is in order to bond with
• 34:23
  your woman and for a woman to bond with Herman, there needs to
• 34:26
  be an enmeshing of both feeling the struggles of the daily life
• 34:30
  together and solving the problems of the daily life
• 34:32
  together. There's a basic bonding.
• 34:33
  Hormone called vasopressin that men have more receptors for.
• 34:36
  Vasopressin is only activated when we solve problems together
• 34:39
  as a team. It is not activated under any
• 34:42
  other real circumstances between humans.
• 34:44
  It's also when we see it in It's the thing that makes them
• 34:47
  monogamous and protective. If we block it in mammals, they
• 34:51
  start cheating. If we flood them, they become
• 34:53
  more monogamous, even if they were cheating before.
• 34:56
  Men need this. It's what makes World War 2
• 34:58
  veterans hug each other and cry after 50-60 years when they see
• 35:02
  each other again. This is the bonding hormone for
• 35:04
  loyalty, especially with men. And then a drive toward passion,
• 35:08
  sex, desire, connection, protection, everything.
• 35:11
  This is fulfillment for men. This is the commitment hormone.
• 35:14
  Women have it too, but men have it more.
• 35:16
  He cannot do this if he is not bonding with you.
• 35:19
  And women know this intuitively. It's also, again, marriage is a
• 35:22
  business. I believe the man is the CEO,
• 35:25
  constantly running around, putting out fires, facing
• 35:27
  problems, bringing vision. But if you hire a chief
• 35:30
  operations officer as COO who runs on the inside and runs your
• 35:33
  company, and then you shut her up, lock her in her office,
• 35:37
  never speak to her, and then you just walk by occasionally to
• 35:40
  look at her because she's pretty, Why have you hired her?
• 35:42
  And most women know that it kills her job security when you
• 35:46
  don't talk to her. So what kind of idiot CEO hires
• 35:50
  an executive and Co founds a company with her and then says I
• 35:54
  can never ever ever tell my executive and my Co founder that
• 35:58
  I don't know how to do something?
• 36:00
  I will guess and do it wrong because that's better than
• 36:04
  asking for her help. It is the dumbest thing that you
• 36:07
  can possibly do. And I know that men do it
• 36:09
  because they're afraid that women will lose respect for
• 36:12
  them. Do it the correct way.
• 36:14
  You don't go to her sobbing on the floor saying, I'm so broken
• 36:17
  and sad, please fix me or please rescue me.
• 36:20
  You be the CEO now. You be my mommy.
• 36:23
  You go and say I'm having these challenges and I'm working on
• 36:26
  them. Help me do that.
• 36:29
  And you also don't just like you said, block her out and just,
• 36:31
  you know, suffer, suffer, suffer, suffer and never invite
• 36:35
  her into problem solving with you.
• 36:36
  That's a great way. For a man to go on and start
• 36:39
  having affairs that he doesn't want to have down the road
• 36:42
  because he'll convince himself he doesn't have an ally.
• 36:45
  No one helps him, he's all alone.
• 36:47
  And then to be a good husband and keep going, he needs the
• 36:50
  dopamine. That's a great way for a man to
• 36:53
  convince himself that it's OK to have an affair.
• 36:55
  I work on those all the time. I have couples come in where one
• 36:58
  of them, the man usually has had an affair.
• 37:00
  He hates it, she hates it, and they want to fix it and they
• 37:02
  don't know how. That's how we have to fix it Is
• 37:05
  the only way to fix is by showing her that he is a
• 37:08
  different man and that he actually values her as a human
• 37:11
  being, not as a pretty object in his life.
• 37:14
  When? You talk about vasopressin being
• 37:16
  this bonding hormone and this loyalty hormone.
• 37:18
  I think also about, you know, you mentioned the World War 2
• 37:21
  veterans, you know, men who are on a sports team, you know, with
• 37:25
  other men or they were in a fraternity with other men or
• 37:28
  they were just with other men. Military is obviously a prime
• 37:30
  example. And those lifelong friendships
• 37:34
  and connections that passed the test of time.
• 37:37
  And somehow those can feel deeper and safer and stronger
• 37:42
  than the woman. And I think women sometimes feel
• 37:47
  a sense of jealousy for their man connecting so deeply and
• 37:52
  feeling so safe with other men. But then they think, well, he
• 37:55
  needs that. I'm not really the best friend.
• 37:57
  I mean, I'm a friend. I'm a best friend.
• 37:59
  But he needs his male best friends, those guys.
• 38:02
  And I'm like the beautiful woman he adores.
• 38:05
  And so I'll kind of play that role, the beautiful woman that's
• 38:07
  like, attractive and charming. And then, you know, and also the
• 38:10
  damsel in distress. Occasionally he can solve my
• 38:12
  problem and then let him go and be a guy.
• 38:15
  And I do think that's a bit of a stereotype that a lot of people
• 38:18
  just accidentally fall into living that way instead of we
• 38:22
  are Co equals, COO and CEO. But so he's, you know, he's the
• 38:26
  lead, but we're equal in terms of our toughness.
• 38:29
  We're going to be strong together in different ways and
• 38:31
  we're going to fight for this shared project we're building.
• 38:34
  We have these beautiful roles in that and we are more intimate
• 38:37
  than any other two people out there.
• 38:39
  I mean, we are this team and the loyalty, the most loyalty is
• 38:43
  here, the most trust is here. Like he finally feels safe and
• 38:46
  trust and loyalty with the dudes and comes home to me and there's
• 38:49
  like chaos. We have that bond and it's
• 38:51
  tighter than anything. Yes, it.
• 38:53
  Is equal as Co founders first Co founding a legacy that God is
• 38:57
  leading you to Co found. Remember that marriage is a
• 38:59
  vocation. God doesn't give vocations so
• 39:02
  you feel good God. God gives vocations to achieve a
• 39:05
  purpose. Marriage is to achieve a
• 39:07
  purpose. That's why it's a business.
• 39:09
  This is a vocation, not not a fun retreat you get to go on,
• 39:13
  right? So you have to be equal Co
• 39:15
  founders first, equal in human dignity and equal in value.
• 39:19
  And then God gives you roles inside of that that you
• 39:22
  specialize into. So you are equal Co founders.
• 39:25
  And then he is the CEO and she is the CEO.
• 39:27
  Some people like to argue with me and say Adam, the woman is
• 39:30
  the leader. Sometimes people say the man's
• 39:31
  the leader. I hear women, women say they're
• 39:33
  the leader. I think each one of them is
• 39:35
  leading in their own domain in separate ways.
• 39:38
  Masculine leadership on the outside and feminine and
• 39:40
  leadership on the inside. We have different spheres.
• 39:42
  There's no reason to step on each others toes and there's no
• 39:45
  argument about who's more valuable or who's more
• 39:47
  important. The system dies if we are out of
• 39:49
  alignment. We are designed to be together
• 39:51
  and fit that way. Going back to your question a
• 39:54
  little bit earlier about how people can do this when they're
• 39:56
  looking for a partner, this is what you're filtering for.
• 39:59
  Can he work with me? Does he value a woman who brings
• 40:03
  insight and thoughtfulness? When I ask questions, does he
• 40:06
  answer them? Does he welcome them or does he
• 40:08
  run screaming from them? Does he ask me questions?
• 40:11
  What is he looking for? What's his vision?
• 40:13
  What kind of companies he want to build?
• 40:15
  If I want to open a spaghetti restaurant, he wants to open a
• 40:17
  Nike shoe factory, there's a problem.
• 40:19
  If he just wants to see where it goes for the next 8 years,
• 40:22
  there's a problem. We're building a business.
• 40:24
  We're not just laying around on a beach thinking about a
• 40:26
  business. She needs to be effectively
• 40:29
  filtering as if she is a billion dollar idea that she's finding
• 40:33
  the right Co founder for and you're either going to have that
• 40:36
  billion dollar idea turn into 10 billion with the right CEO or
• 40:40
  turn into 5 bucks with the wrong CEO.
• 40:42
  You need to make sure you're doing that so a lot.
• 40:45
  Of questions about that and this is now going into the kind of
• 40:49
  mate selection process. And then I want to talk about
• 40:52
  once the selection process has been completed and the marriage
• 40:54
  has commenced, the maybe concerns people have or they're
• 41:00
  like, oh, I wish I had known this Adam before I got married
• 41:02
  or oh, it's different than I thought we had discussed and
• 41:05
  like, you know, problem solving that.
• 41:08
  But for dating, even what you just said, I think for a lot of
• 41:15
  women will resonate. They would like to approach
• 41:18
  dating that way. Highly value himself.
• 41:20
  I have no competitor. I'm going to take care of myself
• 41:23
  and be the best I can be, you know, work on myself and then
• 41:26
  I'm going out to search for a Co equal my CEO.
• 41:29
  I'm the COO and we're going to build something really beautiful
• 41:31
  together, blah, blah, blah, right.
• 41:32
  It's all sounds great, but I think a lot of women are going
• 41:35
  to say it's impossible, Adam. It's just, it feels impossible
• 41:40
  to find this guy. First, just filtering for guys
• 41:43
  that are going to respect chastity.
• 41:44
  You know, if you're a Christian who are not, who are going to
• 41:47
  be, you know, pure and who are not addicted already to porn.
• 41:50
  Unfortunately, that's like so many people because they get
• 41:52
  hooked as children and it's just horrific.
• 41:55
  And then like they have the right view of women of
• 41:57
  respectful view. But then they're also
• 41:59
  traditional in that they want to be the man, right?
• 42:02
  So there's this like thing where they're not like a domineering
• 42:04
  man, but then they're also a man who wants to lead and then, oh,
• 42:09
  and they want to build something with me and then we can make it
• 42:12
  all work. It's like there's so many.
• 42:14
  Levels in that Mario Kart game that I think some women are just
• 42:18
  like, I'm out in the dating market and I'm just having a lot
• 42:21
  of trouble finding that guy. And then I'm going to say this
• 42:24
  from the man's point of view because he has his own issues.
• 42:27
  You know, it's not like it's just women have a hard time.
• 42:28
  Men are having a hard time too. I I hear the same thing.
• 42:30
  From men. Men are convinced that women
• 42:32
  don't want marriage or kids anymore and women are convinced
• 42:34
  men don't want marriage and kids anymore because nobody's talking
• 42:36
  about it. The biggest thing that I see is
• 42:38
  that nobody is willing to ask questions or be blunt about what
• 42:41
  they want. And I don't mean mean and nasty
• 42:43
  about it. Most women only become honest
• 42:45
  when they become mean and nasty because they're angry.
• 42:48
  Anger is the only thing that makes most people be honest and
• 42:50
  dating anymore. I think that people need to be
• 42:53
  leading with curiosity and politeness, but asking very
• 42:56
  blunt, direct questions. What I have found actually is
• 42:58
  that a lot of modern men are raised by women and they're
• 43:00
  trying to be very, very accommodating.
• 43:03
  But when you push on a man, then ask him to start thinking
• 43:06
  critically and having conversations, he'll give you
• 43:09
  better answers. Sometimes he's forming them on
• 43:10
  the spot. I'm not saying that it's her job
• 43:12
  to build a man. It's her job to inspire him
• 43:15
  through conversation to be the man that he is.
• 43:18
  I think that's one thing that's missing is that most men don't
• 43:21
  know how to integrate with women because they don't know what
• 43:23
  women want. So my biggest thing, number one,
• 43:25
  is for women out there, start asking questions.
• 43:28
  What are you building in your life?
• 43:30
  What are you achieving in your life?
• 43:32
  Who's a mentor you look up to? What's a skill you're learning
• 43:35
  right now? What do you want to build for?
• 43:38
  Are you wanting to get married and have a wife or just have a
• 43:40
  girlfriend forever? It's OK whichever way, just tell
• 43:42
  me so I make sure we're aligned right.
• 43:44
  It's not an angry conversation, it's a friendly one.
• 43:47
  What would you want a wife to do in your life?
• 43:50
  What's that vision? If you want kids?
• 43:52
  If so, why? The why is so crucial.
• 43:55
  Most women don't ask if you want to get married or have kids
• 43:58
  until year 8. So on the first date is where I
• 44:02
  tell women, start asking these things, all those questions.
• 44:05
  You would recommend for the first date 1st and 2nd?
• 44:07
  Date and 3rd date and 3rd date. You start talking about the
• 44:10
  harsh realities of what each one of you is facing and what you're
• 44:12
  doing about it. I I mean I.
• 44:14
  Love that but some people listen are like too quick.
• 44:17
  Like what do you want to do? I mean, instead of like, let's
• 44:19
  just get to know each other and see if the vibe is, yeah, that's
• 44:21
  what the Bible. Says, yeah, get to know each
• 44:23
  other and do the vibe. That's what it says for eight
• 44:25
  years, right? No one date one.
• 44:27
  Date. No.
• 44:28
  Well, they say the truth. Shall set you free.
• 44:30
  So I say tell the truth as fast as possible but the harsher
• 44:33
  truths come on date #3 I have a whole 3 date method and and
• 44:36
  people always tell me I'm crazy. We got to do the three date.
• 44:38
  Method I know we. Will we will.
• 44:40
  I will say though. I've talked and maybe these are
• 44:42
  anxious avoidant men, or maybe they're women with their own
• 44:44
  attachment issues. But I have heard from some
• 44:47
  people from men. I'll say this is specifically
• 44:50
  I've heard this with some men and I and I've heard a version
• 44:53
  from women. So let me explain with the men.
• 44:55
  It's she just wanted to check her boxes.
• 44:58
  I was a box. I was AI was a piece of paper
• 45:01
  and I had boxes written up from my head to my toe and she was
• 45:04
  checking boxes and they didn't all check.
• 45:06
  And then it was obnoxious and I didn't like her.
• 45:09
  And then the woman, it's like he didn't really, I mean, the
• 45:12
  woman, it's more actually he didn't really want to get to
• 45:15
  know me. So there's actually the opposite
• 45:17
  issue a lot of the time, but there's a lot of wrong.
• 45:20
  Ways to do this? There's one right way to do it.
• 45:23
  There's a lot of wrong ways. Most people do it the wrong way
• 45:25
  by being pleasing and accommodating and friendly and
• 45:28
  just having fun for the 1st 20 dates.
• 45:30
  And then it goes nowhere. And they wonder why.
• 45:32
  And then they eventually get angry and upset and start dating
• 45:35
  angrily and demanding questions and bank statements and things
• 45:38
  like this and this is also not correct.
• 45:40
  And then they start just running random checklist hoping that a
• 45:42
  checklist will help them. And what you're doing is
• 45:44
  stimulating people or protecting yourself from people.
• 45:47
  You're not having relationships with people.
• 45:49
  Remember that these dating processes, you were trying to
• 45:51
  find one correct Co founder that you can connect to human to
• 45:56
  human. That's secure attachment.
• 45:58
  You are scanning for the ability to have secure relationship so
• 46:01
  that you can then work together effectively as a team for the
• 46:04
  next 60 years. You have to start assessing that
• 46:07
  from date #1 you have to. Anything else is wrong.
• 46:11
  And so the questions. You would recommend what is?
• 46:13
  What is your three day method? First date.
• 46:16
  Primal chemistry. You talk, you laugh, you joke,
• 46:21
  you ask questions that are more probing, and you ask the why
• 46:24
  questions. What do you do for a living and
• 46:25
  why? Who's your best friend and why?
• 46:28
  Who have you learned from recently and what have you
• 46:30
  learned and why them? The why questions is you get to
• 46:34
  know them a lot more. Primal chemistry.
• 46:35
  Do you like how they look, how they sound, how they laugh, how
• 46:38
  they talk? All of these pieces?
• 46:40
  By the end of the first date you must must ask if they want a
• 46:44
  committed relationship and if so, what it looks like.
• 46:47
  Mandatory, not. Necessarily, do you want a
• 46:49
  committed relationship with me? But yeah, we're not getting
• 46:51
  married. Tomorrow, but yeah.
• 46:52
  Are you looking for? A committed relationship right
• 46:54
  now, and they have. To say yes that is all I want.
• 46:57
  But if they say. Like, well, I don't know, I just
• 46:59
  want to see where this goes. Great.
• 47:01
  Fantastic. Go enjoy that with somebody
• 47:03
  else, yes? Wonderful, you want to.
• 47:05
  Open a lot of girls. Think he's going to change his
• 47:07
  mind and sometimes they do change their mind yeah, women
• 47:09
  change for. Relationships.
• 47:10
  Men change for consequences. That's good.
• 47:13
  So find a man who's already changed because he's already had
• 47:16
  the consequences. Otherwise, you're going to.
• 47:18
  Have to be his consequence, and it's not going to be fun.
• 47:19
  Yeah, then you're his mom. Yeah, or you're going.
• 47:21
  To have to like walk out dramatically and it's going to
• 47:23
  be a pain for eternal I have. 12 levels of consequences I teach
• 47:26
  women as well 'cause they don't know how to do that.
• 47:27
  It's it's just make him I have numbers for but it's but it's
• 47:31
  just make him happy until I file for divorce. 25 years in Ouch.
• 47:35
  That's what most women are doing.
• 47:38
  Ouch, Ouch. OK, so date one.
• 47:40
  Primal chemistry, is it there? Ask the why questions.
• 47:43
  You don't have to do all the questions, of course, but get a
• 47:45
  feel for them. Enjoy yourself, right?
• 47:47
  Like get a glass of wine if it's a dinner date or enjoy the hike,
• 47:51
  whatever you're doing. Verify.
• 47:53
  Verify commitment. Verify commitment.
• 47:55
  OK, that's their only target. OK, second date is personal
• 47:57
  chemistry. You ask a lot of questions about
• 47:59
  their values, their goals, their beliefs, their religion, their
• 48:03
  focus on philosophy or whatever it may be.
• 48:05
  Not intellectual high level stuff necessarily, but personal
• 48:08
  stuff. And see if they are capable of
• 48:10
  personal conversation. See if they're capable of
• 48:12
  sharing emotional data. If they're not, they might be
• 48:14
  heavily avoidant and overly intellectual.
• 48:17
  But you need to have those questions on the second date.
• 48:19
  Yes, OK, you can talk about movies and hobbies and
• 48:22
  interests. That's maybe 15% of what you're
• 48:24
  trying to build. It's not 90% like most people
• 48:26
  think, but make sure your values aligned, especially third date
• 48:31
  attachment chemistry. Let's talk about the real things
• 48:34
  that are actually a problem. Here's a challenge I'm working
• 48:36
  on resolving right now and myself, and here's what I'm
• 48:38
  doing about it. And here's how so reveal
• 48:40
  personal. Vulnerability and and challenge.
• 48:42
  Them to reveal as well. We all know there's land mines
• 48:45
  in dating. We all know there's red flags.
• 48:46
  What are they? Turn your red flags into green
• 48:49
  flags by being clear that you know them, you're honest about
• 48:52
  them, and you're working on them and actually working on them.
• 48:55
  Would you recommend the? Attachment framework, say like
• 48:56
  I'm prone to, you know, anxious attachment.
• 49:00
  I have been in the past. It's something I've made a lot
• 49:02
  of progress that I'm working on, but this is what that has looked
• 49:04
  like for me. This is the why.
• 49:05
  Like even just a, you absolutely can.
• 49:07
  If the other person's savvy for that, but even just describing
• 49:10
  what you do and how you're not doing it anymore, even just the
• 49:14
  behavior patterns, describe the behavior patterns.
• 49:16
  Most people are more comfortable with that.
• 49:17
  If you say, hey, I'm taking Adam Lane Smith's course, I'm in his
• 49:19
  program, I went to his retreat, right, great, OK, beautiful.
• 49:22
  But but behaviors and what you're doing about them and
• 49:26
  challenge the other person to do the same.
• 49:27
  If they can't be honest, get out.
• 49:29
  If they're just collapsing into it, get out.
• 49:31
  If they promise they're going to do something about it later, get
• 49:33
  out, and then you have these three dates of rock hard data
• 49:37
  that you can keep coming back to for the next 6 months if they
• 49:40
  deviate from it. You told me that, but you're
• 49:42
  doing this. What's going on?
• 49:43
  You said this, but you're doing this.
• 49:44
  You said this, but you're doing this and you keep asking
• 49:47
  questions forever. That's how you start
• 49:49
  compatibility testing and filtering because now you hold
• 49:51
  them to their word and a good person doesn't have no breaches.
• 49:54
  A good person says you're right, that is off Thank you, I'm going
• 49:57
  to correct that. And then they do.
• 49:59
  That's how you start really compatibility testing the first
• 50:01
  six months. Then I have a whole year
• 50:04
  protocol, a marriage protocol, everything but but that's what
• 50:07
  you do right there as you begin 3 date testing by being really
• 50:11
  honest completely with each other.
• 50:13
  What if it's like? Orange flags ask.
• 50:16
  About them. OK, then that's.
• 50:18
  Maybe date everyone just. That's.
• 50:20
  Date 5 that's date 6 there's enough green to keep you in the
• 50:23
  dating but there's like some things you're not sure what this
• 50:26
  is you're dating to know them, you ask and see what they.
• 50:29
  Say and make them resolve it. It's not your job it sounds
• 50:32
  like. The way that you see dating is a
• 50:36
  constant judging process. Discernment.
• 50:38
  Discernment. Judging.
• 50:39
  Is. You're a bad person and you
• 50:41
  deserve to be punished for it. Discernment is maybe you're the
• 50:44
  right fit for me, for this business I'm building, and maybe
• 50:46
  you're not. Let's talk about that.
• 50:47
  Maybe I'm the right fit for you, and maybe I'm not.
• 50:49
  Let's ask questions. You know the secret to a good
• 50:52
  marriage is to be very endlessly curious about each other because
• 50:55
  otherwise you start making assumptions about each other and
• 50:57
  then we do bad things. If we can be curious about each
• 50:59
  other and ask questions, we clarify.
• 51:02
  One thing I teach women in particular is if you've been in
• 51:04
  a marriage where you're always guessing and wondering and
• 51:05
  afraid, best thing you can do is sit down, write down all of your
• 51:08
  questions on the list, set your husband down, have a
• 51:10
  conversation, feed him, feed, bring him a beer, feed him and
• 51:14
  then interview him podcast style and ask him every question you
• 51:17
  have so you finally get full clarity on everything you've
• 51:19
  ever wondered. When I have my female clients do
• 51:22
  this, it is such overwhelming relief for them.
• 51:25
  All of a sudden they feel safer than they've ever felt.
• 51:27
  Not just because she got answers, but because he was
• 51:29
  willing to give them. Wow.
• 51:30
  That's a protocol that must be done in every relationship.
• 51:33
  And even let him talk. Right.
• 51:35
  She let him talk. She.
• 51:36
  Actually wanted to learn and he was willing to share.
• 51:38
  That's something you could do during dating.
• 51:41
  We had Allison. Armstrong on the show and she
• 51:42
  was saying the power of literally like you're describing
• 51:45
  asking questions, deep questions, yes, and shutting up
• 51:50
  as the woman because we want to connect and share and, you know,
• 51:53
  maybe ask another one and we can still ask further further
• 51:55
  questions. But let that because men also
• 51:58
  tend to, I've noticed, especially the great ones of my
• 52:01
  wonderful husband, they're very thoughtful, they're methodical
• 52:04
  and they're not necessarily wearing all of their thoughts on
• 52:07
  their sleeves or, you know, just letting them know filter come
• 52:10
  out. So you need to give them time
• 52:11
  and space and pay attention to let them say their full piece.
• 52:16
  Otherwise you can whiz, whiz right past the revelation or the
• 52:19
  wisdom or the connection because you're and this is also
• 52:22
  personality or temperament styles too.
• 52:24
  So it could be the woman is like this and the man's different.
• 52:26
  But that's where just listening, the skill of listening is so
• 52:29
  key. If there's one thing I can.
• 52:31
  Tell women right now that I wish they understood about men.
• 52:35
  It's how accommodating and gentle men are toward women
• 52:40
  every day in ways that women have no clue about.
• 52:43
  And he is over gentle and over accommodating and sacrificing
• 52:47
  himself and shutting up just because you opened your mouth
• 52:50
  for a moment. He will stop everything he was
• 52:52
  going to say. So if you make it look like he
• 52:55
  needs to accommodate you, if you make it look like you're sad or
• 52:59
  you're upset or you're nervous or, or you want to talk, he will
• 53:02
  shut down everything he's doing and feeling to try to to help
• 53:06
  you. That's what good men try to do.
• 53:08
  And I know our society claims the opposite about men.
• 53:11
  We see this, this, this desire to protect and help is so deep
• 53:14
  that when we have Co Ed military units, the research now is
• 53:18
  showing that Co Ed military units don't do well because
• 53:21
  women have a higher rate of getting injured.
• 53:24
  And once they do, men then have a higher rate of getting injured
• 53:27
  because they are all desperately trying to rescue her in ways
• 53:30
  they don't do for other men. So Coed units are leading to
• 53:34
  increased injuries for women and men both.
• 53:38
  But this is true on the day-to-day at most men.
• 53:41
  I'm not. I'm not a.
• 53:42
  Fan of women in in the combat? I hear you.
• 53:44
  Typically I. Hear you and, and, and I wish
• 53:48
  what women understood on dates when men aren't talking and
• 53:52
  they're not sharing it's because he doesn't want to scare you.
• 53:54
  He doesn't want to drive you away.
• 53:56
  He's you're talking so he's trying to give you space to do
• 53:59
  it. He's actually trying to make you
• 54:01
  happy. He's trying to figure out what
• 54:03
  you want so that you'll see that he's a loving husband who wants
• 54:06
  to be with you. Most men are just frozen solid
• 54:09
  because they have no idea what you want.
• 54:11
  So if you can tell them what you want and then step back and
• 54:14
  breathe and let them do what they're going to do.
• 54:16
  Direct them just a little more and then let him go.
• 54:20
  All of a sudden he will stop walking around as if you're made
• 54:23
  of glass and he'll start working with you.
• 54:25
  That three minute talk I gave earlier about the husband coming
• 54:27
  home and saying, remember what I said at the beginning?
• 54:29
  I care about you and I love you and I want you to be OK, but I
• 54:33
  can't come straight home and start solving you because that
• 54:36
  means I can never turn off. So I need some time to breathe.
• 54:41
  I need scheduled structure. I need you to give me red flags
• 54:45
  or green flags. Tell me if there's a problem,
• 54:47
  let's solve it. And then I need to be off
• 54:49
  because I can't. If you're not OK, I can't be OK.
• 54:53
  That's what most men are doing, is they're solving problems for
• 54:56
  their wife endlessly at home or trying to, and he can never turn
• 55:00
  off and rest with you. And then she's upset because she
• 55:02
  doesn't get his presence. That's the problem, the core
• 55:05
  goal. Is win win the core goal?
• 55:07
  Is win. Win, Absolutely.
• 55:09
  It's not so that women shut up. That's not the goal.
• 55:10
  I love not to have the woman. Just endlessly sacrifice when he
• 55:13
  comes home and you're just let do whatever he needs so he needs
• 55:16
  to decompress. It's for the sake of both of you
• 55:18
  and the relationship which has to have the win.
• 55:20
  Win in correct they need. Structured time where she brings
• 55:23
  problems to him when I, when I check out from my work at the
• 55:26
  end of the day and I'm helping people with relationships all
• 55:28
  day long, saving marriages or whatever it may be.
• 55:31
  And I come out. The first thing my wife doesn't
• 55:33
  do is say, Adam, I need to talk to you about all my feelings for
• 55:36
  the day that that would be death.
• 55:37
  I, I, I can't do that. She says, how are you doing?
• 55:40
  And I say, great. Are there any immediate red
• 55:42
  flags? She says no, we're good right
• 55:43
  now. And I say, OK, can I, can I take
• 55:46
  1520 minutes to breathe? Absolutely.
• 55:47
  We cool down, we eat as a family, we relax.
• 55:50
  Later that night, I sit down with her in structured time and
• 55:53
  say, OK, how are you doing? What do you need from me?
• 55:55
  How you doing today? What was your day like?
• 55:57
  And I listen and I talk and she unloads and then that also ends.
• 56:01
  And then we have fun time where we are relaxed and immersed.
• 56:04
  She's got what she's needed now. We can actually rest as a
• 56:06
  couple. It's very structured for us.
• 56:08
  We've had to carve up that time so that my brain isn't
• 56:11
  constantly trying to solve her problems and her brain isn't
• 56:14
  trying to just shove everything down and martyr herself without
• 56:17
  feeling loved. We have to do both men and women
• 56:20
  need to win together. We can't lose and we can't we
• 56:22
  can't make ourself lose. Then everybody loses.
• 56:25
  I think the. Operating principle of like the
• 56:27
  win win there. I think a lot of people don't
• 56:30
  have a framework for win win, right, because they weren't they
• 56:33
  didn't grow up with win win No, that that's secure.
• 56:35
  Attachment. I have a retreat coming up and
• 56:37
  at that retreat, what I'm going to be teaching my people is
• 56:39
  this. Your relationship is supposed to
• 56:41
  be a third party entity that exists between you.
• 56:43
  I think I talked about this briefly last time I was here on
• 56:45
  this podcast. But your marriage is is a
• 56:47
  business. But that means that as you both
• 56:49
  give to each other, it feeds you and cares for you as well.
• 56:52
  So if you're martyring yourself, it's actually starving and
• 56:56
  killing the relationship too. So everyone begins to lose.
• 57:00
  Relationships are meant, not meant to be the feelings we
• 57:02
  share between each other. So you have to panic when the
• 57:04
  feelings are not good. It's this thing we're crafting.
• 57:06
  It should feed you. Does that make sense?
• 57:08
  So far it does. I.
• 57:09
  I was going to ask, and this is a good moment for it.
• 57:12
  This marriage is a business. And you know, this third entity
• 57:14
  of the marriage, the relationship, it's not just
• 57:16
  feelings. Feelings are in part of the
• 57:18
  parcel, but it's about the win. Win in the holistic sense for
• 57:21
  the two people and for what they're building together and
• 57:23
  serving their kids, their family and God and everything else.
• 57:26
  But in the Christian view, marriage is a sacrament.
• 57:30
  It's at least a covenant, depending on your persuasion of
• 57:33
  Christianity. I believe it's a sacrament,
• 57:35
  which is an actual sign of God's love living manifest here in the
• 57:39
  life of the Trinity. He made it, but there's a lot of
• 57:44
  language about the man laying down his life for the wife and
• 57:48
  willing to die to himself, the woman submitting to her husband
• 57:50
  this idea of sacrifice involved in a marriage.
• 57:53
  And I've heard, you know, good priests say when you walk up to
• 57:57
  the altar to get married, it's like you're physically about to
• 57:58
  get on to this cross. And like, because marriage is a
• 58:01
  sacrament, it's supposed to kind of like, be like Jesus's death.
• 58:04
  And you're getting nails slammed into your hands by each other.
• 58:07
  And that's what he's not about making you happy.
• 58:09
  It's about making you holy. And it's like you're going to be
• 58:12
  crucified basically in marriage. So when it's tough, that's it.
• 58:15
  Stick it out. That's what Christians do.
• 58:16
  Yeah, I have a lot of. Clients come in and they are
• 58:19
  miserable because they follow that doctrine.
• 58:21
  They're both wretchedly unhappy. They hate themselves and they
• 58:23
  hate each other and they can't make it work.
• 58:25
  That's not good theology, unfortunately.
• 58:28
  Martyr Marriage. Is not good theology it it
• 58:31
  cannot. Be there.
• 58:32
  There's certainly situations where you may have to sacrifice
• 58:34
  in a way that's painful or unhappy for you there.
• 58:36
  There's times, right? Your husband becomes crippled
• 58:40
  and and can't move below the neck and now it's a martyrdom
• 58:43
  situation where you you choose to care for him.
• 58:45
  Those are those are times. But remember that.
• 58:51
  Remember, the two become one. If you are starving and
• 58:56
  destroying yourself, you are starving and destroying half of
• 58:59
  your spouse. Wow.
• 59:02
  Jesus doesn't just grind himself into the dirt for all three
• 59:07
  years of his ministry. It culminates in a cross and
• 59:11
  then a resurrection and then he shows up with his friends.
• 59:14
  Then he then he says, what did he say?
• 59:15
  Give me something to eat, right? And he's hanging out with his
• 59:18
  Bros and his friends and, and Mary Magdalene and everybody
• 59:22
  there. He's hanging out with them.
• 59:23
  And then he flies up into heaven.
• 59:24
  He's like, hey, I'm going on ahead.
• 59:26
  I got things to do. It's going to be cool.
• 59:28
  He doesn't say be wretchedly unhappy forever and hate your
• 59:32
  life. And the more miserable you are,
• 59:34
  the more you love me and the more angry you are and sad, the
• 59:39
  happier I am. That's not what he says.
• 59:42
  Be joyful, rejoice, be gracious, love each other, right?
• 59:48
  If I'm in a marriage, I don't want my wife broken, miserable,
• 59:51
  and devastated day after day after day #1 because then she
• 59:54
  can't give to our children. What's that doing to our
• 59:56
  children and our grandchildren? What's that doing to my spirit
• 59:59
  and her spirit? She shouldn't want that of me
• 1:00:02
  either. This, this myth that we have to
• 1:00:04
  endlessly martyr ourselves is wrong.
• 1:00:07
  If we are unevenly yoked, yes, that's a problem.
• 1:00:10
  But we're also taught not to do that, right?
• 1:00:15
  Christians Together. Cannot enjoy the suffering of
• 1:00:20
  another? We cannot.
• 1:00:22
  That's forbidden to us. We actually have to make sure
• 1:00:25
  they're not suffering. Die to self is a command to give
• 1:00:28
  away our extra ego. But God does not want us to
• 1:00:33
  collapse our identity into him and be mush at his feet without
• 1:00:38
  a thought or a conscious will. That would be slavery.
• 1:00:41
  He calls on us to have love. He gives us free will so that we
• 1:00:45
  can choose to give it back to Him.
• 1:00:47
  But then He doesn't take it away and make us mindless automatons.
• 1:00:50
  That's also not the process. I cannot live and rest knowing
• 1:00:54
  that my wife is miserable. She cannot live and rest knowing
• 1:00:57
  if I'm miserable. We have to care for each other.
• 1:01:00
  And again, it must be win win because otherwise we're doing it
• 1:01:04
  wrong. Marriage is joyful.
• 1:01:07
  That's so powerful the, you know, reminding people you are
• 1:01:10
  one in a marriage. So if you are on the cross
• 1:01:13
  getting crucified, they are too. Even if you're doing it for
• 1:01:17
  them, it ultimately is going to be that to them as well.
• 1:01:22
  And so that's why to love them, you do have to care for your own
• 1:01:26
  soul, your own body as a as an expression of love for them and
• 1:01:30
  your oneness and for your kids and everything else.
• 1:01:33
  And as importantly as you would care for your own body and you
• 1:01:36
  want them to care for theirs and you help each other, you care
• 1:01:38
  for the relationship. Let's put this another.
• 1:01:40
  Way. The only time martyrdom is
• 1:01:42
  appropriate is when God directly commands you to be a martyr.
• 1:01:48
  If you are martyring yourself because you think it makes you
• 1:01:51
  good, that is self-righteous martyrdom, which is a sin.
• 1:01:56
  If you are martyring yourself because you are in a broken
• 1:01:59
  system and don't know what else to do, but there's options
• 1:02:01
  available to you, you're not sinning, but you are still
• 1:02:05
  you're ignorant and that's actually the work of the devil.
• 1:02:07
  That's most people today. Adam, most marriages.
• 1:02:10
  Are run by the devil and not by God.
• 1:02:12
  Christian marriages are run by the devil and not by God because
• 1:02:15
  they think they have to be miserable to stay married.
• 1:02:19
  They think that we have to lose. They think marriage is miserable
• 1:02:22
  and unhappy. The devil is just as active as
• 1:02:25
  God is. We have to remember that.
• 1:02:27
  We like to forget that. We like to not talk about it,
• 1:02:30
  but the devil is very, very active I.
• 1:02:33
  Think that's such an important distinction because if your
• 1:02:36
  spouse objectively, you know, is paralyzed below the waist or
• 1:02:39
  whatever, some, you know, horrible accident, you care for
• 1:02:42
  them. There's a form of martyrdom
• 1:02:43
  there. It's a significant thing to go
• 1:02:46
  out of your way and care for this one and you know, be
• 1:02:49
  everything that they need you to be.
• 1:02:51
  Or if, God forbid, you're in a marriage and the spouse is just
• 1:02:55
  hell bent on destruction. And I think this is another area
• 1:02:59
  I just want to get into for a moment because it's also, I
• 1:03:02
  think, confusing for Christians especially.
• 1:03:04
  And I think it's important if you're dating and preparing to
• 1:03:06
  know what you're getting into because you see signs in dating
• 1:03:09
  as well. In a situation where you go into
• 1:03:13
  the marriage, it seems to be valid.
• 1:03:16
  So you, you maybe you knew there was a porn addiction at some
• 1:03:19
  point, or you knew there was sexual compulsions at some
• 1:03:21
  point, or you knew they had attachment issues, you knew they
• 1:03:24
  had a prone to this addiction or they had issues.
• 1:03:27
  You have issues, whatever. You both know your issues,
• 1:03:29
  you're working on them to some degree.
• 1:03:30
  You get married, it blows up, they act out, There's
• 1:03:35
  infidelity, there's chronic deception, there's some other
• 1:03:40
  problem, there's abusive behavior.
• 1:03:42
  Maybe they're not like banging you over the head, but they're
• 1:03:45
  certainly highly emotionally neglectful or abusive.
• 1:03:48
  You feel it is abusive to you. That's always kind of a
• 1:03:51
  question. Is it abuse?
• 1:03:51
  Is it not that a martyrdom situation where you're like,
• 1:03:54
  well, I'm going to stay in the marriage and try to make it work
• 1:03:56
  or I'm going to remove myself from the situation but not
• 1:03:59
  remarry because I, I think marriage is for life, but I'm
• 1:04:02
  not going to at least live with the guy.
• 1:04:03
  What do you recommend we could? Do a whole podcast.
• 1:04:06
  On that, but I want to just get your capsule for that two
• 1:04:08
  authority. Sources I go back to 1 is
• 1:04:11
  attachment science, the bonding hormones, the behavioral
• 1:04:13
  patterns, the brain pathways, all of those pieces.
• 1:04:16
  Number one is science, the way that God has structured our
• 1:04:18
  world and how we measure how He has structured it.
• 1:04:21
  And I go back to our Lord Jesus Christ and His model and how He
• 1:04:24
  conducted himself. Both of those tell me this
• 1:04:27
  sacrifice is doing for somebody what they cannot do for
• 1:04:31
  themself. Christ sacrificed himself for
• 1:04:35
  people that could not do for themselves.
• 1:04:38
  He gave his life on the cross to do something no one else could
• 1:04:41
  do. When someone could do, He
• 1:04:46
  ordered them to do it and gave them no quarter.
• 1:04:50
  Go and sin no more. He didn't say cool I got you.
• 1:04:54
  Just keep going. If we sacrifice ourself for
• 1:05:01
  somebody else's comfort with something they should be doing,
• 1:05:05
  we are complicit in their sin. Wow, that's.
• 1:05:09
  Good, but the worst. Here's a problem.
• 1:05:11
  The worst lie we tell to married women who are trying to do right
• 1:05:15
  is that if you are kinder to your husband, he will change.
• 1:05:19
  You have to be stern with your husband.
• 1:05:22
  I don't say mean. Women have two modes, kind and
• 1:05:25
  mean. Stern.
• 1:05:28
  You are his executive partner and his Co founder.
• 1:05:31
  You are a feminine leader. You are his right hand side.
• 1:05:35
  You are his rib and closest to his heart.
• 1:05:37
  You are there to call him fat when he is fat and mean when he
• 1:05:42
  is mean. That is your job because you
• 1:05:45
  have to guard him. You are his guardian.
• 1:05:48
  You're the guardian of his soul and his spirit and no one on
• 1:05:50
  this planet knows him like you do.
• 1:05:52
  And if you are too kind to him, he will mistakenly believe he's
• 1:05:55
  doing everything right. If you're mean to him, he will
• 1:05:58
  assume that you just don't like him.
• 1:06:00
  If you are stern and you have consequences, he must listen to
• 1:06:05
  you. It is not a woman's job to be
• 1:06:08
  nice to her husband. I and I say that knowing my wife
• 1:06:10
  is listening to this podcast. She's very kind, but it's not
• 1:06:13
  her job to be nice to me. I would hate that.
• 1:06:16
  Explain what that looks. Like, and I know we're getting
• 1:06:19
  into the 12 consequences here, which is perfect, but walk me
• 1:06:23
  through this. So we, I just kind of laid out
• 1:06:25
  an image of, you know, all the worst things that could happen.
• 1:06:28
  I think the tools you're about to provide us here can be used
• 1:06:31
  in any scenario, quite frankly. And this is very important Intel
• 1:06:36
  for those who are preparing for marriage.
• 1:06:38
  So what is how does a woman handle sternness while still
• 1:06:44
  being the safe soft landing place in a situation where it is
• 1:06:49
  a red, red alert situation? So now the man and and there's
• 1:06:53
  different degrees, right? There's a severe degree of like
• 1:06:55
  abuse or there's betrayal. And then there's the kind of
• 1:06:59
  more softer space of like he's just not living up to potential.
• 1:07:02
  He's stuck in a bad routine, he's in a rut.
• 1:07:05
  So there. Has to be a degree of safety for
• 1:07:07
  women to perform their job. Women cannot do their job
• 1:07:10
  without safety of some kind. If the man is not providing
• 1:07:13
  safety but not removing safety, then you need to build safety in
• 1:07:17
  yourself and with your family and community and then use that
• 1:07:20
  so you can push on him. Or you need to make him build
• 1:07:22
  safety. That's actually one of the first
• 1:07:24
  things he should be doing. If he is removing safety through
• 1:07:26
  hurt, harm, abuse, things like this.
• 1:07:29
  You need to find safety and structure, maybe by getting away
• 1:07:31
  from him. I'm not an advocate for divorce,
• 1:07:33
  but for separation sometimes as a consequence.
• 1:07:36
  For showing him that you are love, your love is unconditional
• 1:07:40
  but your time, attention and proximity are not, and that he
• 1:07:43
  needs to be conducting himself appropriately between him and
• 1:07:47
  God. What's the threshold?
• 1:07:49
  For removal from the home, not divorce.
• 1:07:51
  That's the last one. That is number 12 out of 12.
• 1:07:53
  OK. So we're going to.
• 1:07:54
  Get through the consequence steps.
• 1:07:56
  For that, we'll probably go through a couple.
• 1:07:57
  Of them, but but OK, there's too many.
• 1:07:58
  There's there's a lot. There's a lot of nuance, but
• 1:08:01
  ultimately it's this. Ultimately it's this.
• 1:08:03
  Your time, your attention, your affection and your warmth.
• 1:08:05
  Those are not love. Your love for your husband is is
• 1:08:09
  unconditional regard for his well-being and doing what's
• 1:08:11
  truly right for him, which means not sacrificing yourself in a
• 1:08:14
  way that keeps him in his sin. If you just nice him into hell,
• 1:08:18
  he will not thank you. What you need to do is start
• 1:08:22
  telling him at every opportunity.
• 1:08:25
  Not nagging and not angry. But I know what you're doing and
• 1:08:27
  it's very inappropriate. I'm really sorry you made this
• 1:08:31
  choice today. I have to be honest with you, I
• 1:08:34
  am losing respect for you. This is more in.
• 1:08:37
  Terms of betrayal, like sexual betrayal, we're talking he's
• 1:08:39
  looking at porn. Yeah, he's looking at porn.
• 1:08:42
  Sweetheart, I have to be honest with you.
• 1:08:43
  What you're doing is making me lose respect for you as a man.
• 1:08:47
  And I say that because I have a lot of respect for you.
• 1:08:49
  And this is going to hurt both of us.
• 1:08:51
  If you keep choosing this. I can't stop you.
• 1:08:54
  But I I don't think I can see you the same.
• 1:08:58
  And then you walk away. That's not a conversation.
• 1:09:01
  It's a statement. And you do this every day if
• 1:09:05
  necessary, and you keep it up. You don't sweep it under the
• 1:09:08
  rug. You don't be nice.
• 1:09:09
  You don't try to be encouraging and friendly.
• 1:09:11
  You don't try to compete at all. No polite.
• 1:09:15
  You're polite. Polite but.
• 1:09:17
  What does what does the Bible say about people who are in
• 1:09:19
  their sin? Encourage them, keep letting
• 1:09:23
  them do it. Cheer them on, Pretend it's not
• 1:09:25
  happening. What did Saint Paul say?
• 1:09:29
  He told us to judge each other. He actually said judge each
• 1:09:32
  other. He said don't judge people
• 1:09:33
  outside. He commanded us judge each other
• 1:09:37
  inside the church. It's harsh words, but we have to
• 1:09:41
  now quick. Question it's I'm sure
• 1:09:43
  somebody's thinking this question, especially if they are
• 1:09:46
  familiar with someone in this situation or they themselves
• 1:09:48
  have been in it. If you're married, do you
• 1:09:52
  withhold sex as the woman if the man is actively involved in an
• 1:09:58
  affair or born sex is the. Ultimate culmination of
• 1:10:01
  intimacy. So I am not a fan.
• 1:10:04
  And women cannot and must not weaponize sex.
• 1:10:08
  It's not a reward to be given, but it is the gauge of trust and
• 1:10:14
  intimacy. So she needs to be honest with
• 1:10:18
  herself. If she doesn't feel safe enough
• 1:10:20
  to connect with him, if she doesn't respect him, then she
• 1:10:24
  needs to be blunt with him about that.
• 1:10:27
  I think a lot of men would say, well, you're weaponizing it now
• 1:10:30
  because you're not willing to be intimate with me.
• 1:10:32
  Here's a key difference. If she's telling him I have
• 1:10:35
  almost no desire for you whatsoever, I might be willing
• 1:10:38
  to perform the mechanical act, but I'm going to be very clear
• 1:10:40
  with you. I'm sitting there the whole time
• 1:10:42
  just wishing it was over and I don't want it and I don't want
• 1:10:44
  you and my respect for you is gone.
• 1:10:46
  I have no desire whatsoever. So I can do this for you.
• 1:10:49
  I'm willing and many wives are willing to.
• 1:10:51
  It's not I hate it and I'm miserable and I'm being
• 1:10:53
  violated. It's I'm willing to do it, but I
• 1:10:55
  have no desire, no interest and no respect.
• 1:10:58
  Most men that ruins their desire really fast.
• 1:11:02
  Most good men will say that I don't want it because what
• 1:11:06
  you're doing is you're giving him pressure and urgency and
• 1:11:08
  consequences and pain so that he's actually facing the
• 1:11:11
  consequences of what he's doing. You're not punishing him.
• 1:11:13
  I'm not saying punish your husband.
• 1:11:15
  I'm saying be brutally honest with your husband so he sees the
• 1:11:18
  reflection of himself. He needs to know that he is
• 1:11:21
  killing your desire and your respect.
• 1:11:23
  Good men, most men respond to that more than most women will
• 1:11:27
  ever understand. But if you just pretend and keep
• 1:11:30
  doing it and pretend you like him and pretend it's fun, he
• 1:11:33
  thinks it's fine. And again, you're complicit in
• 1:11:36
  his sin, so he might. Spiral I mean, I'm just
• 1:11:39
  imagining scenarios here where now she's she doesn't respect
• 1:11:43
  me. She doesn't, you know, she
• 1:11:44
  doesn't want to be with me where I'm not being you know, I don't
• 1:11:48
  experience intimacy and the relationship.
• 1:11:51
  So it might have this effect of making him spiral even more down
• 1:11:56
  this path of betrayal. What is the?
• 1:11:58
  Alternative there. I mean the only alternative is
• 1:12:01
  to basically lie, which is not an not an option one of.
• 1:12:04
  The commandments that'd be a mortal sin, I mean lie with.
• 1:12:07
  Your attitude or your body in terms of saying this is fine
• 1:12:10
  when it's not fine bearing false witness.
• 1:12:11
  Yeah, interesting. It still it still.
• 1:12:14
  Is it is hard to be a wife? I'm going to be blunt.
• 1:12:16
  It's hard to be a wife. It's hard to be a husband.
• 1:12:18
  That's the sacrifice part. The sacrifice part isn't I'm
• 1:12:21
  just going to be miserable and unhappy forever.
• 1:12:23
  The sacrifice part is I'm going to have to say things that will
• 1:12:27
  hurt you so that I don't harm you, so that you don't harm
• 1:12:29
  yourself. That's the difference between
• 1:12:32
  hurt and harm. It is hard to be a wife.
• 1:12:34
  It is a sacrifice. You set your ego and your
• 1:12:36
  comfort aside to tell your husband when he is violating
• 1:12:39
  God's commandments. It's hard to be a husband to
• 1:12:41
  have to say that to your wife when she's doing wrong and
• 1:12:43
  inappropriate things. That is the sacrifice we're
• 1:12:46
  called to make is to be brutally honest and guard their spirit
• 1:12:50
  and their heart. That is the sacrifice, not being
• 1:12:52
  wretchedly miserable every day and being silent about it.
• 1:12:55
  Silence is actually not biblical since we started this.
• 1:12:58
  Topic I want to just at least put a cap on it in terms of this
• 1:13:02
  part about these more intense, maybe even abusive or betrayal
• 1:13:06
  situations. So you already mentioned like if
• 1:13:08
  there's serious harm, especially physical danger, things like
• 1:13:11
  that removal, you know, going to another secure location, family,
• 1:13:16
  household, friends, whatever, figuring that out, but not
• 1:13:19
  divorce. You still want to make it work.
• 1:13:20
  But it's might take it might be you might be in a year's project
• 1:13:22
  now with this person honestly at that.
• 1:13:25
  Point talk to your priest, talk to your Bishop, talk to people.
• 1:13:28
  Remember that marriage is not two people.
• 1:13:30
  A marriage is an absolute covenant that's formed under
• 1:13:32
  God, but there's a whole ecosystem around it.
• 1:13:34
  I'm never an advocate for staying in abuse, not ever,
• 1:13:36
  especially if there's kids involved.
• 1:13:38
  Never. But I also, I also know that we
• 1:13:42
  have to stick to the covenant and the commandments that we
• 1:13:44
  have. So get out, be smart, do not be
• 1:13:47
  silent, build a community. The worst thing women can do is
• 1:13:50
  be isolated and alone without community, family, friends,
• 1:13:53
  people they love and trust. But then you make sure there are
• 1:13:55
  consequences for that man again and again as you can.
• 1:13:59
  I'm not saying confront him in his face and then he murders
• 1:14:02
  you. That's not what I'm telling
• 1:14:03
  anybody out there. I know we'll get those in the
• 1:14:05
  comments I'm sure. But but no, this is be safe, do
• 1:14:09
  your job. But a good man must make it
• 1:14:12
  easier for his wife to do her job.
• 1:14:15
  My job as a husband is not to make it hard for my wife to give
• 1:14:18
  me the brutal truth. My job is to make it easy for
• 1:14:21
  her because I accept it, I reward it, I encourage it, I
• 1:14:25
  respond to it, and I become a better man.
• 1:14:28
  That is my job. And if I don't, it's not a
• 1:14:30
  problem between me and my wife. It's a problem between me and
• 1:14:33
  God. And that's who she can appeal to
• 1:14:36
  and she can keep pointing me back that way and say, what does
• 1:14:39
  this say about your relationship with God?
• 1:14:41
  If my wife, if I'm ever stuck, my wife says how does this play
• 1:14:45
  out with you and God, Adam, it's a good.
• 1:14:47
  Question now it's not my. Wife nagging me anymore.
• 1:14:51
  Now it's God himself pointing at me and telling me that I need to
• 1:14:55
  really take a look in the mirror and it's a it's a husband's job
• 1:14:59
  to be receptive his his wife in that way.
• 1:15:02
  It's not my wife's job to make me receptive to her.
• 1:15:04
  It's her job to do her job. It's not her job to fix me or
• 1:15:07
  rescue me. So.
• 1:15:09
  And to put a cap on that with the divorce separation question,
• 1:15:14
  the Catholic Church does permit divorce in the sense of legal
• 1:15:17
  divorce. Sure.
• 1:15:18
  If there is serious reason, sure.
• 1:15:21
  You know, like abuse, like we're describing some very extreme
• 1:15:23
  circumstances. But then remarriage.
• 1:15:25
  Would not be permitted unless there is an annulment, which
• 1:15:28
  would say. This is rendering the marriage
• 1:15:30
  null and void because it never really existed because often
• 1:15:34
  there was a lack of full choice for it.
• 1:15:37
  You didn't. You weren't able to fully commit
• 1:15:38
  to it because you had incomplete or false information.
• 1:15:41
  They went into the marriage without full freedom or full
• 1:15:44
  knowledge. You know, And there are a lot of
• 1:15:46
  annulments today. Some people say, oh, that's
• 1:15:48
  because the Catholic Church is handing out annulments like
• 1:15:50
  divorces, and they're just abusing the system.
• 1:15:52
  And I actually think, no, I just think there's a lot of marriages
• 1:15:54
  today. They're not real.
• 1:15:56
  Marriages, it's people playing house and just having feelings
• 1:15:59
  yes correct. I and I'll never advocate for
• 1:16:01
  divorce, but I'll leave that up to the the person and their
• 1:16:04
  priest to have that discussion if it's right for you.
• 1:16:06
  Like you said, grave matters are a whole other thing and I'm not
• 1:16:09
  here to tell you what's a grave matter religiously and what's
• 1:16:12
  not. I'm here to give you the science
• 1:16:13
  right and talk to. Your priest and talk to your it
• 1:16:15
  certainly if you're I am also part.
• 1:16:17
  Of an ecosystem. I'm not a priest myself or a
• 1:16:19
  Bishop in that regard. I'm here to make sure that
• 1:16:21
  people have all the information they need.
• 1:16:22
  I think that religion and science are unified.
• 1:16:26
  Really we are just talking about two different aspects of the
• 1:16:30
  same thing. We need both and I think there's
• 1:16:32
  more. We could talk about, but I'm
• 1:16:33
  curious if there's consequences. Men can.
• 1:16:37
  Provide. Because we're we're kind of
• 1:16:39
  focusing on poor behavior from men, yes.
• 1:16:42
  There's plenty of. Poor behavior from Oh my gosh, I
• 1:16:44
  I get. I get that all the time as well.
• 1:16:46
  Yeah, absolutely. My coaching clients all the time
• 1:16:48
  tell me and the thing that. Most comes to mind with me as
• 1:16:50
  kind of the chronic issue for the modern woman is and and
• 1:16:55
  maybe you see it differently in coaching.
• 1:16:56
  I'm curious what you say to this is kind of just narcissism.
• 1:17:00
  Women who are just. Very self absorbed and immature
• 1:17:04
  and so they're not able to be that actual best friend and Co
• 1:17:09
  founder because they're so immature.
• 1:17:13
  Lack of humility. Lack of charity, lack of trust,
• 1:17:17
  lack of respect. I see a lot of that is, would
• 1:17:20
  you say? That's the worst like if if
• 1:17:21
  men's biggest issue is being able to like open up and connect
• 1:17:25
  and then maybe also like porn addiction, would you kind of say
• 1:17:27
  those are maybe two of the biggest issues for men?
• 1:17:30
  I think that the. Art of being a wife is something
• 1:17:33
  that has been largely lost for modern women in the West.
• 1:17:35
  Yes, I think that being a wife is an enormously unique vocation
• 1:17:40
  among everything else. It is incredible and very very
• 1:17:43
  detailed in a skill set. And I think most modern women
• 1:17:47
  don't have the safety they need to be able to do it.
• 1:17:49
  They aren't raised with fathers that provide safety.
• 1:17:52
  They go out into the world hoping a stranger will make them
• 1:17:54
  feel safe. They don't even know how to be
• 1:17:55
  safe. I think men try to provide
• 1:17:57
  safety and then women don't receive it very well.
• 1:18:00
  Then they get angry and bitter at him for not making her feel
• 1:18:02
  safe because her attachment issues are out of control and
• 1:18:05
  she'll never feel relaxed enough.
• 1:18:06
  And then she's mad at him that she feels anxious.
• 1:18:09
  I think that a lot of women want to turn their husband into their
• 1:18:12
  therapist and their best friend and their father and replace
• 1:18:14
  everything else in their life with one man.
• 1:18:16
  And then they get angry at him for going to work because he's
• 1:18:19
  not right there to take care of her feelings.
• 1:18:21
  I think that women don't know how to appreciate a man anymore.
• 1:18:26
  And I think all of that is wrapped up in the problem.
• 1:18:28
  I agree. And I think this is an area even
• 1:18:30
  myself it as a as a wife. Like, how do I be a Good Wife?
• 1:18:35
  You know, my mother, I saw her heroically doing many things.
• 1:18:38
  So I can model certain things for my mother.
• 1:18:40
  But there's a lot of pieces still that I, you know, I've had
• 1:18:43
  to learn or I'm learning actively, right?
• 1:18:46
  And, but I, and I think a lot of the advice out there about like
• 1:18:49
  how to be with a man, it's very superficial and it's basically
• 1:18:53
  how to appease a man or how to please a man as opposed to how
• 1:18:57
  to build with a man. I give him dopamine.
• 1:18:59
  And not give him cortisol. Yes, those are the two things I
• 1:19:01
  hear a lot. Yes, exactly.
• 1:19:03
  I remember even as a girl, my mother was on her own kick of
• 1:19:05
  like, how do I be a Good Wife to my father, my her husband.
• 1:19:09
  And she read this book and I read it as a teenage girl called
• 1:19:12
  fascinating womanhood. And it's all about dopamine hits
• 1:19:16
  and lowering the cortisol of the man, like everything from like
• 1:19:18
  taking off his shoes when he walks in the door and all of
• 1:19:21
  this like, but not nothing in there and about being virtuous
• 1:19:25
  and pretty, you know? But nothing in there was about
• 1:19:27
  building with your man and creating an empire and creating
• 1:19:31
  new souls, you know, like children that you now have to
• 1:19:34
  raise to be Saints, right? Like that, wasn't it?
• 1:19:37
  It was very, in that sense, superficial.
• 1:19:41
  So I guess for women in this art of being a wife and the common
• 1:19:46
  mistakes that women may make, what would you say are the
• 1:19:51
  common mistakes that women make? You know the biggest?
• 1:19:55
  One in wifedom. The very biggest one.
• 1:19:57
  And I, and I have, I face this challenge every time I work with
• 1:20:01
  a couple. I tell women you want to hear I
• 1:20:05
  love you. He needs to hear I respect you.
• 1:20:09
  Those are two different things. Men don't biochemically respond
• 1:20:13
  the same to I love you as they do to I respect you.
• 1:20:16
  When a man says I, I love you to his wife, she gets a cascade of
• 1:20:19
  oxytocin, that bonding hormone that says I'm I belong, I'm
• 1:20:23
  accepted, I'm loved, I'm cared for.
• 1:20:26
  She flips into a sympathetic nervous system state and starts
• 1:20:28
  flooding with serotonin fulfillment, contentment, I
• 1:20:32
  belong here and it's good. Some dopamine, absolutely.
• 1:20:36
  She floods with GABA, which suppresses her cortisol, so a
• 1:20:39
  huge stress relief all at once. It's this amazing cascade that
• 1:20:42
  goes through her and she assumes that her husband feels the same
• 1:20:45
  when she says I love you. But men are aware that women can
• 1:20:49
  love a yappy little purse dog that they have no respect for.
• 1:20:53
  Men are aware that women love children.
• 1:20:55
  Men are aware that women love stupid creatures.
• 1:20:58
  Men are aware that women can love something they still pity.
• 1:21:02
  That is not the same for a man. Remember that he is designed to
• 1:21:05
  fight every day, to keep you alive, to protect you, to serve
• 1:21:08
  you, to help grow with you. His job is to stand guard
• 1:21:12
  between you and every danger on the planet.
• 1:21:15
  Love like that is not what his system's designed to value.
• 1:21:19
  We know that when a woman puts walks up to her husband and puts
• 1:21:21
  her hands on his shoulder right here on his chest and looks up
• 1:21:24
  at him and says, I respect you. We know that his system floods
• 1:21:29
  with testosterone, a surge of it, and he has an overwhelming
• 1:21:32
  protective instinct that grows through him to physically say
• 1:21:35
  those. Words physically to hear.
• 1:21:36
  Yes. So a woman should say you.
• 1:21:37
  Think a woman should say that to her husband every day?
• 1:21:39
  I think it is. Mandatory that she.
• 1:21:41
  Needs to be. Saying it And when I tell women
• 1:21:43
  this, I get the same reaction. Do I have to say that word?
• 1:21:50
  Do I have to I mean, I show it. Do you think that's the?
• 1:21:54
  Feminism, cancer. What is that?
• 1:21:57
  Why it why is that? What's so bad with respecting
• 1:22:00
  your husband like? It puts her into a position of
• 1:22:03
  subservience in her eyes that he now has power over her, that
• 1:22:08
  he's. Somehow better than she is, she
• 1:22:10
  looks. Up to him, and that makes him
• 1:22:12
  better now. It makes her vulnerable.
• 1:22:14
  And if he turns on her and uses that against her, she's
• 1:22:18
  helpless. She's been conditioned from 4
• 1:22:21
  generations of women where men have died, checked out, been
• 1:22:24
  murdered, died in war, broke, mentally abandoned, did all
• 1:22:29
  these things and all these women said men will ruin you in one
• 1:22:33
  way or another. So stick to your career, protect
• 1:22:36
  yourself. Don't let him get a leg up on
• 1:22:38
  you. Don't stay at home, have your
• 1:22:39
  own money, keep a secret bank account.
• 1:22:42
  All these messages from generations.
• 1:22:45
  Yes the feminism is there too, but honestly it's just raw
• 1:22:48
  survival and trauma. With feminism on top.
• 1:22:52
  Women are conditioned to be afraid of trusting a man
• 1:22:55
  anymore. To your point of what?
• 1:22:57
  You're saying because of all of that trauma or betrayal or
• 1:23:01
  woundedness or brokenness, they're legit things.
• 1:23:04
  So it's not like she's inventing that.
• 1:23:06
  She's not. She's.
• 1:23:07
  Not wrong for how she's feeling but I will say this, if you
• 1:23:09
  can't say I respect you to a man then you can't love him
• 1:23:14
  correctly the way a man needs. And if you can't say I respect
• 1:23:18
  you to a man and that's off the table, you will only date men
• 1:23:21
  you don't respect. This is why women put up with
• 1:23:25
  non respectful men. Men they cannot respect at all
• 1:23:28
  because they say well I'm never going to respect anyone so why
• 1:23:30
  bother. This is what makes women settle
• 1:23:33
  for men that they cannot respect because they can't say I respect
• 1:23:36
  you to a good man. So the.
• 1:23:38
  Distinction you're making is you need to be able to say and
• 1:23:42
  obviously be, you know, say you respect and be respectful to a
• 1:23:46
  good man. Now, if he's not a good man,
• 1:23:49
  this is this is the immediate question.
• 1:23:51
  I get from women. What if he's not?
• 1:23:52
  That's the immediate question that I get from women.
• 1:23:54
  But what if he's? Not immediately every.
• 1:23:56
  Woman like even even you, Even a godly woman like you.
• 1:23:59
  What if he's not Adam? What if he's not my?
• 1:24:01
  Goal in the interview is to channel what other 100% No 100?
• 1:24:03
  Percent. I love it.
• 1:24:04
  I love that we're going there. That's that's the immediate
• 1:24:06
  female brain, though, like it is.
• 1:24:08
  What if he's not? What if he's a jerk?
• 1:24:09
  100% back to what we said a moment ago.
• 1:24:13
  You need to call him on that. What did I say?
• 1:24:16
  When? When the first thing I said when
• 1:24:19
  he's not, when he's using pornography.
• 1:24:22
  What did I say? I'm losing respect for you,
• 1:24:24
  sweetheart. Women don't bat an eye at saying
• 1:24:27
  I'm losing respect for you. But to do that and if you start
• 1:24:32
  by. Respecting him.
• 1:24:34
  I mean, this is the complaint of the guy who might be falling
• 1:24:36
  into sexual assignment. If I was interviewing that guy
• 1:24:38
  right now, he'd probably be like, well, I wasn't getting
• 1:24:41
  what I needed in the marriage. They'll blame the wife or the
• 1:24:45
  relationship if he's not getting.
• 1:24:47
  What he needs in the marriage. Often it's his own fault for not
• 1:24:49
  knowing how to get it right, but it's it's not his fault because
• 1:24:52
  he's usually avoidant, but it's his fault for not correcting
• 1:24:55
  that he needs to go. You're saying it's within his?
• 1:24:57
  Power to solve, correct? So it's not like he's a helpless
• 1:25:00
  victim. That's what you're saying,
• 1:25:01
  correct? But for the woman's perspective,
• 1:25:04
  there's also something that's within her power to solve.
• 1:25:07
  Your respect is the consequence in the relationship, and your
• 1:25:11
  respect is what leads to sex. When you ask me should she hold
• 1:25:15
  back on sex, I think that sex should be directly correlated to
• 1:25:19
  the respect she has for that man.
• 1:25:21
  If she doesn't respect him, she should not have sex with him and
• 1:25:24
  she should tell him I cannot have sex with you because I
• 1:25:26
  don't respect you and that needs to be a healthy, normal
• 1:25:29
  consequence. She's not withholding sex.
• 1:25:31
  She is responding correctly to a lack of respectability in him.
• 1:25:35
  And that should drive him through urgency and pain,
• 1:25:38
  frankly, to become a respectable man.
• 1:25:41
  Because the natural consequence is if I don't respect you, we
• 1:25:45
  don't have sex. If I do respect you, we have
• 1:25:47
  tons of sex all the time, everywhere, constantly.
• 1:25:50
  Those are the two realities. So give your man those two
• 1:25:54
  realities. It should be tied to the respect
• 1:25:56
  you feel toward him. And that respect is based on the
• 1:25:59
  love and real love he gives you and the safety he creates for
• 1:26:03
  you. Those two factors, does he
• 1:26:06
  create safety and give you authentic love as a wonderful
• 1:26:10
  third I would say is he close and connected with God?
• 1:26:14
  But he can't do those two things unless he really is to be honest
• 1:26:16
  with you. And all of this loops back to
• 1:26:18
  secure attachment. I know people are listening and
• 1:26:20
  saying, Adam, this sounds so hard.
• 1:26:21
  Yeah, insecurely attached relationships don't allow this.
• 1:26:24
  You have to build secure attachment to do this, so in.
• 1:26:27
  Dating I think the prescriptions pretty clear you you know, not
• 1:26:31
  just a three day tool that you discussed, but also you know
• 1:26:35
  what you're looking for in a man is a man that you can freely say
• 1:26:38
  I respect you, but if you have trouble he because he's an
• 1:26:41
  objectively good guy and you're having trouble saying I freely
• 1:26:45
  respect you know I respect you. What is that in the woman that
• 1:26:48
  she needs to work through? What kind of attachment disorder
• 1:26:51
  is she wrestling with that she just kind of sees Goodman and
• 1:26:54
  can't appreciate Goodman? This is a challenging.
• 1:26:57
  Question because some people will say it comes back to pride
• 1:26:59
  in her, that she's being prideful and refusing.
• 1:27:01
  And I don't think that's actually the case.
• 1:27:03
  I don't think it's women being overly prideful and stubborn and
• 1:27:06
  mean and and such. I don't think women are really
• 1:27:07
  that way. I think women are innately very
• 1:27:10
  practical and I think that they are afraid of being hurt.
• 1:27:13
  They need safety, but you have to be able to receive safety.
• 1:27:16
  Sometimes it's doing her nervous system work so she can calm down
• 1:27:19
  enough to receive safety. Quite often it's not knowing the
• 1:27:21
  questions she needs to ask to understand if she respects him
• 1:27:25
  or not, to feel full trust. To feel the full.
• 1:27:27
  Trust in him to be able to actually receive that, like she
• 1:27:30
  can kind of. Sense Oh he seems good.
• 1:27:32
  He seems non threatening but like I don't fully know how to
• 1:27:35
  internally give myself confidence because I'm not even
• 1:27:38
  sure the framework I should be using or the questions I should
• 1:27:40
  be asking. That's it.
• 1:27:41
  She doesn't know the. Job she's applying for to be
• 1:27:43
  Chief Operations officer. She doesn't know how to filter
• 1:27:46
  and and correctly interview him to be a chief executive officer.
• 1:27:50
  She doesn't know how to build a company together.
• 1:27:52
  She's trying frantically to give a stranger good feelings so
• 1:27:55
  he'll adopt her and she won't be alone and afraid in this world
• 1:27:58
  anymore. And that she's hoping that he
• 1:28:00
  will give her some scraps of safety so that she can barely
• 1:28:02
  cling to them for the rest of her life.
• 1:28:04
  Of course, in those circumstances, she doesn't want
• 1:28:07
  to give that manpower control. But that's not marriage.
• 1:28:10
  That's not romance, That's not intimacy.
• 1:28:11
  That's not what man and woman is supposed to be.
• 1:28:13
  She needs to be asking questions about how would I learn if I
• 1:28:17
  respect this man or not? And if I don't, can I say, you
• 1:28:21
  know, I think you're a good guy. I would respect you a lot more
• 1:28:26
  if you were doing this in your life.
• 1:28:28
  Do you have plans to do that? And are you already doing it?
• 1:28:31
  I would have a hard time feeling safe with you if you weren't
• 1:28:33
  doing this. So are you planning to do that
• 1:28:36
  shortly? That's how you start filtering
• 1:28:38
  men and dating. Saying that on the third date,
• 1:28:42
  you know, I think you're fantastic, but this one thing I
• 1:28:44
  I got to tell you, this is really making me uncomfortable.
• 1:28:47
  What are you doing there? How married to that are you?
• 1:28:50
  And I'm going to be if you tell me you're going to do it, be
• 1:28:52
  fixing it. I'm not dating and marrying for
• 1:28:54
  potential. So you better really have a
• 1:28:56
  plan. You better get things together
• 1:28:57
  quickly. I'll watch.
• 1:28:58
  I'm willing to date you and see what you do, but I would need
• 1:29:01
  you to fix this. What's an example of something?
• 1:29:03
  That on 1/3 date you would notice that that needed to be
• 1:29:05
  asked pornography. Yes.
• 1:29:06
  So you should ask about pornography by the third date.
• 1:29:09
  Most men that I'm. Dating have porn issues.
• 1:29:11
  And I'll be too honest with you, I'm tired of it.
• 1:29:13
  It's wrecked my last couple of relationships and I don't ever
• 1:29:15
  want to put up with it again. I'm aware that men are visually
• 1:29:18
  stimulated and that there's some draw there, so I'm not going to
• 1:29:20
  be angry at you if you have temptation toward pornography.
• 1:29:23
  But what are you doing to make sure it's not going to destroy
• 1:29:26
  our family? How often do you use it?
• 1:29:27
  And really honest, I need to know because if you break the
• 1:29:30
  family up because of this, I won't thank you.
• 1:29:33
  I need to know right now what the honest truth is.
• 1:29:35
  So what are you doing to resist pornography?
• 1:29:37
  Every man must have some sort of system to resist it.
• 1:29:40
  What are you doing? And if you don't have one, are
• 1:29:43
  you building 1 or are you going to build 1 tonight?
• 1:29:46
  And get back to me with that information, because I can't
• 1:29:49
  date a man who doesn't have a system that's strong.
• 1:29:52
  I mean, I remember there was a gentleman who was an advisor of
• 1:29:55
  mine and live action. He was the head of one of the
• 1:29:58
  divisions of the FBI at one point, Catholic gentleman, seven
• 1:30:01
  daughters and he would give these talks.
• 1:30:04
  He said the number one thing that he would find with, you
• 1:30:06
  know, career criminals was there's two things, filth and
• 1:30:09
  porn, filth and porn, filth and porn, all different levels of
• 1:30:12
  crime. But then he also said that he
• 1:30:16
  would told his daughters the first date.
• 1:30:19
  You should ask about porn. Yeah, absolutely.
• 1:30:21
  And not not. It doesn't even have to be.
• 1:30:22
  Are you using it? It's what is your system to
• 1:30:25
  resist the temptation? A man, every man on the planet
• 1:30:27
  needs to have a system to resist it.
• 1:30:29
  It's not, I just won't. What is your system?
• 1:30:32
  I am close friends with two priests, actually 3 priests.
• 1:30:35
  I have confession constantly if I ever breach anything.
• 1:30:38
  So that makes it easier for me not to sin because I don't want
• 1:30:41
  to go see my friend who's a priest and look at him and say
• 1:30:44
  here's what I did. Because every time I get close
• 1:30:46
  to temptation of, of that or any other sin, I remember his face
• 1:30:49
  looking at me like this. And it's very easy not to sin
• 1:30:53
  because now you have open accountability, creating
• 1:30:56
  accountability and welcoming it as a man, creating
• 1:30:58
  accountability with other men, with other buddies.
• 1:31:00
  If, if, if I started using pornography or drugs or cheating
• 1:31:04
  on my wife, my male friends would find out very quickly.
• 1:31:07
  And then they would gather around to beat me with baseball
• 1:31:09
  bats because they love my wife and my children.
• 1:31:12
  They would punish and discipline me so my wife didn't even have
• 1:31:15
  to. And I, I've created that on
• 1:31:18
  purpose as a system. So it's hard for me to sin.
• 1:31:21
  Then my sins are small and I'm ashamed of them and I go and
• 1:31:24
  correct them. So because I have
• 1:31:26
  accountability, my sins are this big.
• 1:31:28
  If a man doesn't his sins, they grow to the container you create
• 1:31:32
  for them. What create?
• 1:31:33
  What container are you creating for your sins?
• 1:31:35
  Every man must have a system. Don't bait a man who doesn't
• 1:31:38
  have a system. What is the?
• 1:31:40
  Equivalent of this Is there an equivalent of a man you know
• 1:31:44
  asking about porn of a man on by the third date and a woman's
• 1:31:48
  possible pitfalls and a question that a man should be asking or
• 1:31:52
  screening for within the first three days you're.
• 1:31:56
  Going to get me in trouble with these, aren't you?
• 1:31:58
  Got to be asked and I'm putting. Myself in the man's shoes here,
• 1:32:02
  women don't like to. Hear the sexual kind of
• 1:32:06
  approach, but are you reserving yourself sexually for people you
• 1:32:10
  respect? Meaning are you are you hooking
• 1:32:14
  up with guys or not? Are you hooking up with?
• 1:32:16
  Guys left, right and center. Did you hook up with three guys
• 1:32:18
  yesterday and you don't like any of them and they don't like you,
• 1:32:20
  but you're just hoping to find somebody?
• 1:32:22
  Are you reserving yourself sexually for people who respect
• 1:32:26
  you and that you respect completely?
• 1:32:27
  Can't you just say marriage? I would.
• 1:32:29
  Say that yes, me as a Catholic. Man.
• 1:32:32
  I would be looking for that. But I'd also.
• 1:32:35
  Want her to say no to me until marriage and and my wife and I
• 1:32:38
  had that conversation when we were dating that her job and my
• 1:32:40
  job was to say no to each other. No matter how much each one of
• 1:32:43
  us desired each other at the dating process, we had to say no
• 1:32:46
  to each other and preserve that that was actually a measure of
• 1:32:49
  trust for us. I think that that has to be in
• 1:32:52
  place if you're going to be a faithful Catholic couple in this
• 1:32:55
  regard. But, but honestly, whoever she
• 1:32:58
  is, if she has a sexual history, many women today do.
• 1:33:01
  Are you reserving that for ultimate intimacy and ultimate
• 1:33:05
  respect if you're going to be a faithful Catholic woman and
• 1:33:07
  faithful Catholic wife? Yes, that does mean marriage.
• 1:33:10
  Yes, that does mean doing a lot of extensive inner work and
• 1:33:13
  saying, why did I engage in these things?
• 1:33:16
  Why did I choose to give myself to people that don't love me?
• 1:33:19
  Why did I give myself to people that don't respect me?
• 1:33:22
  And that usually leads back to attachment.
• 1:33:23
  This is not for shame and misery and oh, you're a bad person.
• 1:33:26
  It's I didn't believe I had worth beyond my sexual value.
• 1:33:31
  So I used this to try to get people to adopt me like a pet at
• 1:33:35
  the pound so that he wouldn't leave me.
• 1:33:37
  And I never understood the intimacy and closeness of sex,
• 1:33:42
  and that my sex to him is a gift that culminates in everything we
• 1:33:47
  share together. That's the equation.
• 1:33:50
  Does she understand the role of sex and intimacy?
• 1:33:53
  That it's the ultimate culmination of their oneness?
• 1:33:56
  And can she give that to him? If she can't, then even that
• 1:33:59
  gift is tarnished. It means so much less to that
• 1:34:01
  man, and he knows that. Now I've got to ask.
• 1:34:04
  This because it's a it's a question of some debate and it
• 1:34:07
  certainly has a lot of implications.
• 1:34:10
  If somebody is, let's say, a virgin and they want to marry a
• 1:34:16
  virgin, do you think that that's an appropriate goal, first of
• 1:34:20
  all? And second of all, can this be
• 1:34:22
  part of a conversation during dating?
• 1:34:25
  And then there's also this idea of a born again virgin where
• 1:34:28
  regardless of your history, you are now trying a new path, which
• 1:34:31
  I think is most people today. I hear you.
• 1:34:35
  I remember that the Bible is written largely about people who
• 1:34:39
  converted into Christianity rather than people who were
• 1:34:42
  raised in Christianity. I'm aware that pretty much all
• 1:34:44
  of the apostles were not Christians before, and they all
• 1:34:47
  had those other lives. I'm aware that many of us are
• 1:34:49
  pagans in many ways. I have not always been a
• 1:34:51
  Christian and I I certainly was not sexually pure when I've met
• 1:34:54
  my wife. I will just say that myself.
• 1:34:56
  I'm just going to get that out of the road right now.
• 1:34:58
  Everybody asked me that eventually, so I was not meaning
• 1:35:01
  you were. Not in the life before meeting
• 1:35:03
  her wife I was not a. Faithful good Christian before
• 1:35:06
  meeting my wife I I became a Christian shortly before meeting
• 1:35:09
  her really in good faith. So you're not saying you're?
• 1:35:11
  Actively doing bad sexual things as I met her.
• 1:35:14
  No, you're just saying you had a past as most people do today.
• 1:35:18
  As many people do. Today, right, we live, we
• 1:35:20
  actually live in a post Christian world and we are
• 1:35:22
  ministering and evangelizing to pagans.
• 1:35:25
  And that doesn't mean they're bad people.
• 1:35:26
  It means they don't have Christian practices.
• 1:35:28
  They aren't following the covenant of God.
• 1:35:29
  I have no judgement for those people.
• 1:35:31
  People I don't say they're good or evil or bad or whatever it
• 1:35:33
  may be. They are people that are
• 1:35:34
  following something they don't know.
• 1:35:37
  Wonder, OK, that's where you're at, right?
• 1:35:39
  I shouldn't say wonderful, but that's where you're at.
• 1:35:41
  If you come to understand the science of human bonding through
• 1:35:45
  sexual practices, you come to understand that it does create
• 1:35:48
  bonds and a lot of things happen.
• 1:35:50
  And remembering that sex is for the unity and procreation both
• 1:35:54
  equally, right? We can't dismiss one and and and
• 1:35:57
  not the other. We know it's for both.
• 1:35:59
  So with that in mind, if you're asking me if one virgin has the
• 1:36:02
  right to then choose to marry another virgin, great,
• 1:36:05
  fantastic. Have that conversation by all
• 1:36:08
  means. People can want whatever they
• 1:36:10
  want. People are allowed to want
• 1:36:12
  anything they want. If you have had sex with 800
• 1:36:14
  people and you want to marry a virgin, you're allowed to want
• 1:36:17
  that. It's probably not realistic and
• 1:36:20
  probably most women who have kept themselves pure and for
• 1:36:23
  that for marriage will probably not say, great, 800 sounds
• 1:36:27
  wonderful, right? Is it a little predatory for a
• 1:36:32
  40 year old man who's had sex with 800 people to find a an 18
• 1:36:35
  year old young virgin? That sounds a little predatory
• 1:36:38
  for most people. Is she an adult and can she make
• 1:36:40
  decisions? I hope so, if her parents have
• 1:36:42
  raised her correctly. But she should also have an
• 1:36:44
  ecosystem protecting her. All of that has to go into this
• 1:36:47
  conversation to frame this. Next thing I'm going to say,
• 1:36:49
  which is this, I think people need to be bluntly honest about
• 1:36:52
  what they want, but also explain why they want it.
• 1:36:55
  Yes, I think that if you're looking for somebody with a low
• 1:36:58
  sexual history, explain why to them and to yourself.
• 1:37:02
  What does it mean? What does it represent to you?
• 1:37:05
  I think there's a lot of research out there that says
• 1:37:07
  that if you are actively promiscuous as of this moment,
• 1:37:09
  you will have difficulty bonding correctly.
• 1:37:13
  But the research is fascinating. If you go six months to a year
• 1:37:16
  with low or no sexual interaction at all, those
• 1:37:20
  bonding practices begin to reset and your relationships going
• 1:37:23
  forward actually are healthier again.
• 1:37:25
  How hopeful I. Mean that's such a good thing
• 1:37:27
  for people to remember correct now there's.
• 1:37:29
  This stupid idea from the Internet that women have
• 1:37:33
  oxytocin bonding with men through sex so then it ruins
• 1:37:36
  their ability to bond ever again for the rest of their life.
• 1:37:38
  And the research is very clear. That's not actually accurate any
• 1:37:41
  more than it is for men. Oxytocin bonding doesn't work
• 1:37:43
  that way. That's not how oxytocin works.
• 1:37:45
  We have oxytocin and non sexual non romantic relationships as
• 1:37:49
  well. That is not actually a thing.
• 1:37:51
  But again, if you are endlessly having sex with people right now
• 1:37:54
  promiscuously, that does male or female damage your ability to
• 1:37:57
  have those bonding mechanisms. So are we allowed to want a
• 1:38:00
  virgin husband or wife? Absolutely.
• 1:38:03
  Look at the realism of it. Look at the conversations you're
• 1:38:06
  having. Do you live in New York City or
• 1:38:08
  do you live in the middle of a rural country where there may be
• 1:38:11
  more virgins there? Right.
• 1:38:12
  Look at those pieces, look at yourself, understand what it
• 1:38:15
  means, understand what you're asking and have clear direct
• 1:38:18
  conversations. And then you're also welcome to
• 1:38:19
  reject other people's demands on you.
• 1:38:22
  If somebody says I would only want to marry a virgin, OK,
• 1:38:25
  you're going to look down on me because I have said sex with
• 1:38:28
  three long term boyfriends that didn't work out and then I
• 1:38:31
  converted to the faith. You probably won't like me.
• 1:38:34
  That's a OK, fine, we're not a good match.
• 1:38:37
  Do you think that? What some people who are very
• 1:38:40
  fixated on this potentially where they're like, I need to be
• 1:38:42
  with a virgin. The why behind it, if it's such
• 1:38:45
  a big deal, it's like why? Is it because you're afraid of
• 1:38:48
  betrayal? Is it because of a sense of like
• 1:38:50
  physical purity or fear? Is it because you're afraid of
• 1:38:53
  being with someone more experienced?
• 1:38:54
  Like, do you would do you recommend that person really
• 1:38:56
  exploring the why? I mean, it seems like an
• 1:38:58
  obviously good thing to want. Yeah, You know, I.
• 1:39:00
  Can I can speak to myself? My wife was a virgin when we
• 1:39:03
  met. I was.
• 1:39:04
  We were both very young. She was a virgin when we met.
• 1:39:06
  I was not. She told me that, and it was
• 1:39:09
  attractive to me, but it wasn't the one and only defining
• 1:39:12
  feature like I would never, never not.
• 1:39:14
  But it was attractive particularly because to me it
• 1:39:17
  represented that she understood the value of sex and she was
• 1:39:19
  able to discipline herself and not engage in it.
• 1:39:22
  And it was something I actually respected that I had lacked.
• 1:39:25
  And I was aware that it was a lack in me.
• 1:39:27
  I was aware that I was actually, I was, I want to say lesser.
• 1:39:30
  I was, I, I want to say it that way, but I was aware that it
• 1:39:33
  was, it was a, a unique attribute in her that I had
• 1:39:37
  lacked in understanding and indiscipline up until then.
• 1:39:40
  So I think it represents that I think that many people are
• 1:39:43
  trying to game a system and they don't understand how human
• 1:39:46
  loyalty works. Many men today.
• 1:39:48
  So they think that if a woman has ever had sex with anyone, it
• 1:39:50
  means she's going to cheat on him.
• 1:39:52
  I also think that I think that people don't understand how
• 1:39:55
  loyalty is built between humans at all.
• 1:39:58
  I don't think that women innately look for men who have
• 1:40:00
  had sex with 100 other people either.
• 1:40:02
  I I think that. I think we need to be honest
• 1:40:08
  about loyalty and what it means. That's realistically what I
• 1:40:11
  think. Nowhere in the Bible that I'm
• 1:40:14
  aware you can please correct me. But nowhere.
• 1:40:16
  And it doesn't say only Mary a virgin.
• 1:40:18
  I'm not aware of that anywhere in the Bible.
• 1:40:20
  People please correct me if that's wrong.
• 1:40:21
  But remember that most Christians around the world have
• 1:40:26
  converted into the faith. Most Christians have a past.
• 1:40:29
  I'm more concerned about what your relationship is with God
• 1:40:32
  today, what your sexuality would be today in a marriage, what it
• 1:40:36
  means to you. Are you willing to engage in it
• 1:40:38
  joyfully? Are you able to engage in it as
• 1:40:42
  the culmination of intimacy? Is there loyalty outside of sex?
• 1:40:46
  That's really what I'm interested in.
• 1:40:48
  What would you? Say, for younger generations
• 1:40:50
  like Gen. Z, is something about dating and
• 1:40:53
  relationships today that is more positive or easier than it was
• 1:40:57
  for past generations? Is there anything easier?
• 1:41:01
  Gen. Z is in an interesting split
• 1:41:03
  because half of them are diving off the Cliff into absolute
• 1:41:06
  emotion and stimulation. Life is bleak, life is joyless
• 1:41:11
  and and pointless. So you have to immerse, not
• 1:41:13
  enjoy but in pleasure, which was two different things.
• 1:41:17
  They are giving in absolutely to despair and hedonism at the same
• 1:41:21
  time. And they think relationships are
• 1:41:23
  just something you wad up and throw away and pull the next one
• 1:41:26
  out. It's just endless consumerism of
• 1:41:28
  relationships and humans. That's one.
• 1:41:31
  That's one side of Gen. Z and the other side of Gen.
• 1:41:34
  Z are enormously practical. They are burned out on dopamine.
• 1:41:40
  They are trying to find the purpose behind everything else.
• 1:41:43
  They are flocking back to overly traditional church things as
• 1:41:47
  traditional as possible. They are looking at what our
• 1:41:51
  ancestors did, and then they're dissecting it and trying to
• 1:41:53
  understand why our ancestors did it.
• 1:41:56
  There's an old wisdom that's coming back because they have
• 1:41:59
  to. They are growing up in the
• 1:42:00
  rubble of a society that has collapsed that we just haven't
• 1:42:03
  recognized yet. They're in the ashes of a
• 1:42:06
  greater culture that has already passed, and they're aware of it
• 1:42:10
  and they're trying to make sense of it.
• 1:42:11
  When I talk about marriage as a business, it resonates with
• 1:42:15
  that. Half of Gen.
• 1:42:16
  Z millennials get angry at me and say, no, it's feelings.
• 1:42:20
  Gen. Z says you're absolutely right.
• 1:42:23
  So they're the ones having the conversation around.
• 1:42:25
  Does marriage even matter anymore?
• 1:42:27
  Half of them say no because it's just about feelings, and the
• 1:42:31
  other half says no because I already have the feelings.
• 1:42:34
  When I tell Gen. Z that it's a business, they
• 1:42:36
  love it. So you think in a sense Gen.
• 1:42:39
  Z is is prepared or is seeking out or building marriages that
• 1:42:43
  are in some ways built to last more than the millennial set of
• 1:42:47
  marriages, if we can show them. What secure attachment means
• 1:42:50
  between two human beings. Building an actual human
• 1:42:53
  relationship, Where we talk, where we have safety and peace
• 1:42:56
  and connection. Where we tell the truth even
• 1:42:59
  when it's unpleasant. In fact, especially when it's
• 1:43:01
  unpleasant. When we hold each other
• 1:43:03
  accountable, but not with anger, with with firmness, but with
• 1:43:06
  love. When we can have an honest,
• 1:43:08
  secure relationship and have those 3 minute talks.
• 1:43:12
  When we can engage honestly and directly with each other as man
• 1:43:16
  and wife is supposed to, as we can unify and then build forward
• 1:43:20
  for a purpose through our vocation.
• 1:43:22
  As we can take what Christ has shown us is a real relationship
• 1:43:26
  and model that with each other, then yes, we can build that
• 1:43:29
  forward. And I think half of Gen.
• 1:43:31
  Z is going to get that. I think we're going to go into a
• 1:43:33
  very, very ugly culling period where the haves and the have
• 1:43:37
  nots are going to move forward and go in very different
• 1:43:40
  directions and the haves are the people who will build real
• 1:43:44
  marriage so. If I'm a Gen.
• 1:43:47
  Z person or let's say I'm a millennial who missed the
• 1:43:49
  marriage train and I'm desperately hoping to marry and
• 1:43:53
  I'm like, OK, this all sounds so good.
• 1:43:55
  Adam. I'm I'm locked in.
• 1:43:57
  I want to be a Co founder. I want to do it all.
• 1:43:59
  I like the three date method. That's good.
• 1:44:02
  I know the chastity thing's important.
• 1:44:04
  Get rid of the porn. Like all of this, right?
• 1:44:07
  But what do I go into this with in terms of my vision for the
• 1:44:11
  business? Should I be?
• 1:44:14
  Developing certain skills? Should I kind of write out how I
• 1:44:18
  envision life? How do I know if it's a good one
• 1:44:21
  vision or not? This framework is new to me.
• 1:44:24
  I always. Tell people that life only makes
• 1:44:26
  sense when you plan it in reverse and then live it
• 1:44:29
  forward. Most people are trying to plan
• 1:44:31
  forward. They're trying to plan day by
• 1:44:33
  day by day and try to figure out where they want to go someday
• 1:44:36
  based on where they are today. You need to plan in reverse.
• 1:44:39
  Start the day after your funeral.
• 1:44:42
  Who outlives you? What is your human legacy, your
• 1:44:44
  human impact? If you want kids, grandkids,
• 1:44:47
  great grandkids, mentees, students and people left behind
• 1:44:51
  that love each other, that support each other, that are
• 1:44:53
  stronger because you were there, but even stronger now because
• 1:44:57
  you're gone. And they can move on and take
• 1:44:59
  those roles and lead forward. They're sad but also joyful
• 1:45:03
  because they know the future is bright and they're together and
• 1:45:07
  unified. If that's the legacy you want to
• 1:45:09
  craft, then build that backwards.
• 1:45:11
  Start 20. That's that's 50 years from now,
• 1:45:14
  60 years from now. Start 20 years from now.
• 1:45:17
  What needs to be happening 20 years from now to get there,
• 1:45:19
  Then 10 years from now, then five years from now, then one
• 1:45:22
  year from now, then 99, let's say 90 days from now, three
• 1:45:26
  months, then a month from now, then a week from now, then a day
• 1:45:29
  from now. What am I doing today that's
• 1:45:31
  going to get me there 60 years from now?
• 1:45:33
  And what husband or wife do I need to build forward into that
• 1:45:36
  as well? And what skills should I have to
• 1:45:38
  get there? Reverse engineer from the end
• 1:45:41
  goal, then live it forward and fine tune as you go forward.
• 1:45:45
  We are called to build to a plan.
• 1:45:47
  We're not called to just barely survive day-to-day.
• 1:45:50
  That's not what God has in mind for us.
• 1:45:52
  And when you're. Imagining this life long process
• 1:45:57
  towards the final end, maybe that day after day before the
• 1:46:00
  funeral, right? Your funeral and you're
• 1:46:02
  envisioning all of these things. I think a lot of people me try
• 1:46:05
  doing that. That's an interesting thought
• 1:46:07
  experiment, Adam. But then they're like, OK, I
• 1:46:09
  don't think I'm actually this is realistic.
• 1:46:12
  You know, we're just going to kind of see how it goes, try our
• 1:46:14
  best. I'll maybe, you know, train to
• 1:46:16
  become a nurse or something. And you know, these are ideas,
• 1:46:20
  but I don't know, like Instagram tells me to like dream of having
• 1:46:23
  a big fancy house. I doubt I'm going to have one.
• 1:46:25
  Whatever, right? There's just this, like, milieu
• 1:46:28
  of chaotic visions and ideas and then consumerism.
• 1:46:32
  Like you're flipping through social media and you have like,
• 1:46:34
  you know, visions of, you know, Pinterest boards.
• 1:46:37
  How do you develop a vision that's a good one, and that's
• 1:46:40
  one that is? When you should.
• 1:46:43
  Actually aim at, because you get back to the practicality
• 1:46:46
  question. Absolutely.
• 1:46:48
  That's the man's. Job, to be honest with you, the
• 1:46:50
  woman creates a rough draft of what she's hoping for.
• 1:46:53
  The man's job as the CEO is to come in and provide a fleshed
• 1:46:57
  out, complete vision he presents to her.
• 1:47:00
  And then the woman chooses to commit to that vision and then
• 1:47:04
  she devotes herself to the man. I always tell people this, this
• 1:47:08
  is a process. Before marriage.
• 1:47:09
  This is a process before. Marriage.
• 1:47:10
  This is the process of becoming married.
• 1:47:12
  A woman does not commit to a man.
• 1:47:14
  That is not the correct pathway. Women don't commit to men, and
• 1:47:17
  they shouldn't. Women commit to vision, then
• 1:47:20
  they devote themselves to that man to Co create that vision
• 1:47:23
  together, and if he has no. Vision, then he's not.
• 1:47:26
  Doing his job. And she could maybe inspire the
• 1:47:30
  vision she can. Demand a vision be completely be
• 1:47:34
  given and I say demand as a Co executive would demand polite
• 1:47:37
  but firm. We need a vision.
• 1:47:40
  Our business is spinning. We're going to go bankrupt.
• 1:47:42
  We have one week. I need a vision from you one
• 1:47:47
  week from now. Now what if they're?
• 1:47:48
  Already married so that the stakes are even higher.
• 1:47:50
  There's no like, oh, maybe he's not the right fit for me.
• 1:47:52
  I'm moving on. And there isn't a vision or
• 1:47:55
  there there is a sort of a vision, but it's like we're just
• 1:47:59
  going to, you know, pay the mortgage and make sure the kids
• 1:48:03
  are well behaved. That's not a vision.
• 1:48:05
  That's survival. Most men, I'll be honest with
• 1:48:08
  you, most men don't lack a vision because they don't care.
• 1:48:10
  That's not the process. Most men lack a vision because
• 1:48:12
  they are just barely scraping by.
• 1:48:14
  They don't think it's possible to have much more than that.
• 1:48:16
  They are just barely coping. They are overwhelmed with
• 1:48:18
  stress. Usually they're alone.
• 1:48:20
  They don't have male friends, they don't have mentors, they
• 1:48:22
  don't have guides, they don't have teachers.
• 1:48:24
  They don't have other men. Men need men and women need
• 1:48:27
  women. And we're, we're diving into
• 1:48:28
  this, trying to think that men and women fix each other.
• 1:48:31
  Men need men and women need women.
• 1:48:32
  We always have and always will. That's the process.
• 1:48:35
  So men need to be going to other men and building those survival
• 1:48:39
  instincts, building, building skills, getting out of that pit,
• 1:48:43
  having a mentor who helps him elevate men as man as what is
• 1:48:47
  it? They say as steel sharpens
• 1:48:48
  steel, so one man sharpens another.
• 1:48:50
  It's not a woman's job to sharpen her husband.
• 1:48:53
  It's her job to keep it in his ear endlessly that he is not
• 1:48:56
  sharp enough and then say, who will you be talking to?
• 1:49:00
  She can't provide it. For him, is what you're saying,
• 1:49:02
  a woman cannot be. A man, I am sorry, a wife cannot
• 1:49:05
  be a husband or a best friend to a man either.
• 1:49:07
  She can't. You can't be his best friend.
• 1:49:09
  So what you're saying? It sounds like is the woman
• 1:49:11
  cannot solve this for the man, she can only ask it from the man
• 1:49:16
  and then provide what she can provide as a woman, which is
• 1:49:18
  help with execution. A soft place to land, you know,
• 1:49:22
  be you know, be intimate, feel safety together and connection
• 1:49:26
  together etcetera. Correct?
• 1:49:27
  It is not her. Job to do this.
• 1:49:29
  Now can women do it if they absolutely have to for themself?
• 1:49:32
  Yes, women can do most things men can do.
• 1:49:35
  It burns them badly that it destroys their nervous system
• 1:49:38
  and gives them reproductive cancers at a much elevated rate.
• 1:49:42
  It literally kills them and makes their quality of life
• 1:49:44
  lower so it hurts the entire time they are dying.
• 1:49:47
  They can. They shouldn't have to.
• 1:49:49
  It's man's job to do these things.
• 1:49:52
  People get this wrong. They think that women exist to
• 1:49:54
  try to just make life easier for men.
• 1:49:57
  Men exist to make life easier for women to do the actual work
• 1:50:01
  of the human race. Masculinity exists to create a
• 1:50:04
  buffer so femininity can do the job on the inside of raising
• 1:50:08
  loving, intimate, healthy, secure children who become good
• 1:50:11
  men and women in the future. Men and husbands exist to
• 1:50:14
  facilitate the family. That is our job.
• 1:50:17
  So when we take the role of leader, it's servant leader,
• 1:50:19
  right? Exactly as Christ does.
• 1:50:21
  That is our job. So if he's not doing his job, he
• 1:50:24
  is failing to serve the family. This is not let's make him more
• 1:50:27
  comfortable as the king. This is why is the king failing
• 1:50:31
  us. This is his entire reason for
• 1:50:34
  being a king. How big of a?
• 1:50:36
  Problem is it if the visions are different. 10 out of 10.
• 1:50:40
  That's like like a mega problem. 10 out of 10.
• 1:50:43
  That is the absolute problem and you need to break up
• 1:50:45
  immediately. Have some conversations,
• 1:50:47
  certainly make sure what if they're like.
• 1:50:49
  They're close, but they're not fully there.
• 1:50:52
  Have conversations. How aligned are we?
• 1:50:55
  Why the differences? Can they work together?
• 1:50:58
  Are they maybe off because I have trauma?
• 1:51:00
  Or they may be off because I don't know what I want fully?
• 1:51:02
  Can we have those conversations and discover this together?
• 1:51:05
  Talk. But if they can't align, you
• 1:51:09
  can't build it. I'm sorry, what if?
• 1:51:11
  Someone gets married and they kind of had a sense the visions
• 1:51:15
  mostly the same. They weren't as developed and
• 1:51:17
  intentionality of discovering it or even envision envisioning it
• 1:51:21
  the way that you would maybe have done if they'd done your
• 1:51:23
  course right. But they're married and then
• 1:51:26
  they're like the visions are they seem, the visions seem to
• 1:51:29
  be further moving apart. Are they Christians or are they
• 1:51:32
  not Christians? They're Christians.
• 1:51:35
  Then we really have no choice except to actually unify and
• 1:51:38
  make marriage what it's supposed to be.
• 1:51:40
  So find. A vision that you can do
• 1:51:42
  together, correct I. Usually guide most of my
• 1:51:45
  couples. There's five key areas of vision
• 1:51:47
  that we can usually unify around, but you have to sit and
• 1:51:50
  craft that vision together as a couple.
• 1:51:52
  It's not it's it's very rarely so widely apart that it wasn't a
• 1:51:57
  parent. Now maybe if she is
• 1:51:59
  overwhelmingly desiring to have a career in in being a lawyer or
• 1:52:05
  a surgeon and he wants a stay at home life or something like this
• 1:52:08
  for the kids, for their sake and they just somehow.
• 1:52:11
  Know this before they. Know this before they got
• 1:52:13
  married? Maybe, but very rarely is it so
• 1:52:16
  wildly discrepancy like that between them that it's
• 1:52:18
  unfunctional talk. Figure out why those things are
• 1:52:22
  important. Figure out what you can do
• 1:52:24
  together. Do those things and have those
• 1:52:26
  conversations. But even the art of talking
• 1:52:29
  about it is lost for most people.
• 1:52:31
  If we can just get husbands and wives to the talking board and
• 1:52:34
  to the table and say why do you want the things you want?
• 1:52:37
  Actually tell me. I won't judge you or be angry at
• 1:52:39
  you. Tell tell me why you want them
• 1:52:40
  and why are they important. Can I ask a few more questions?
• 1:52:44
  OK. Can I share with you what I'm
• 1:52:46
  learning and why that's important to me?
• 1:52:47
  Can we actually talk about that and understand each other well?
• 1:52:50
  Could we move a couple pieces? Could we maybe make this work?
• 1:52:53
  Can we prioritize your half and then prioritize mine?
• 1:52:57
  Can we make that flow? That's what we do, Absolutely.
• 1:53:00
  By all means as a couple. But again, secure attachment,
• 1:53:03
  which means conducting ourselves with love toward each other but
• 1:53:06
  also trusting each other and having those honest
• 1:53:09
  conversations, is the ideal. In dating to find somebody who
• 1:53:12
  matches the vision 10 out of 10 as much as you.
• 1:53:15
  Humanly can, yes. How?
• 1:53:18
  Likely is that for the average person, should people be just
• 1:53:21
  like the attraction 7 out of 10 and it maybe bumps up after
• 1:53:24
  getting to know them? Maybe the connection in terms of
• 1:53:27
  the vision is like six to seven out of 10.
• 1:53:29
  And then you just love them so much and you kind of get along
• 1:53:31
  with their vision and you kind of move their direction a little
• 1:53:33
  bit and you're like 8 out of 10. Most women have.
• 1:53:35
  A pretty rough idea of what their vision is.
• 1:53:38
  Marriage, kids, love, intimacy, legacy.
• 1:53:41
  They want that, but the man has immense specifics because it's
• 1:53:44
  his job to. The problem is that most women
• 1:53:47
  try to get to a man who doesn't want marriage or kids, and she
• 1:53:51
  just is convinced that if she loves him hard enough, he'll
• 1:53:53
  eventually want it, meaning she loves his.
• 1:53:55
  Vision. But the vision doesn't really.
• 1:53:56
  She doesn't love his. Vision.
• 1:53:57
  She doesn't even want that. She loves him and commits to him
• 1:54:00
  and then completely negates the vision entirely.
• 1:54:03
  This is why a woman cannot and should not commit to a man,
• 1:54:06
  because she's bypassing the vision completely.
• 1:54:08
  And she's actually sabotaging herself and him and.
• 1:54:10
  Him. So she can't.
• 1:54:13
  Just love him. She has to love his vision.
• 1:54:15
  That's what marriage is. And and.
• 1:54:17
  She should ascertain that vision in dating.
• 1:54:19
  That's what marriage. Is And if you don't want that,
• 1:54:21
  then go live together in a house and pretend you're married.
• 1:54:26
  But that's not marriage. What is the?
• 1:54:29
  Most radical kind of transformation that you have
• 1:54:31
  seen? Let's do the married couples
• 1:54:34
  because they're baked where they didn't really have these tools
• 1:54:37
  to understand vision or each other connection, all of this
• 1:54:41
  stuff. But once they did the work using
• 1:54:43
  some of these tools, all of a sudden they have a vision and
• 1:54:47
  they're just like like a shooting star.
• 1:54:49
  I'm thinking one couple. In particular, they came in,
• 1:54:51
  they've been married for 30 years, they raised kids
• 1:54:53
  together. He was emotionally closed off
• 1:54:55
  the entire time. The kids were already raised
• 1:54:57
  kids. Were already raised.
• 1:54:57
  They were. Adults.
• 1:54:58
  She just thought he was emotionally closed off.
• 1:55:00
  She was starved emotionally her whole marriage.
• 1:55:03
  Just assumed it was never going to get better.
• 1:55:05
  She tried to just martyr herself and be good and be a good loving
• 1:55:08
  wife. She assumed that marriage was
• 1:55:10
  going to be cold and unhappy, but she was devoted to it.
• 1:55:13
  She was raising the family. They actually had a similar
• 1:55:15
  vision together. They were doing the vision but
• 1:55:17
  without any actual joy or intimacy.
• 1:55:20
  Come to find out he had had multiple short term affairs
• 1:55:23
  throughout the course of the marriage over 30 years.
• 1:55:25
  And he had told himself because our marriage is joyless and
• 1:55:29
  happy and unhappy and miserable, my wife doesn't want me.
• 1:55:33
  This is all I can do to cope with my stress to be a good
• 1:55:37
  husband. And he hid it from her.
• 1:55:39
  And he hid it from her. Completely.
• 1:55:41
  What happened next? So she.
• 1:55:43
  Found out eventually at 30 years of marriage and was furious, and
• 1:55:48
  rightly so. Not only because he'd had
• 1:55:50
  multiple affairs and lied to her and he had denied her the human
• 1:55:53
  dignity of understanding what was actually being done under
• 1:55:56
  her on the surface and the betrayal.
• 1:55:58
  But because she had lived for 30 years in emotional starvation
• 1:56:03
  and thought she had to because she was being faithful to him.
• 1:56:07
  That was really the big piece. She was almost ready to walk but
• 1:56:11
  said I have to give this a try because God in her eyes, God
• 1:56:15
  wants me to, right? I will give it a shot.
• 1:56:19
  So they came to me. She said if you don't sign up
• 1:56:21
  for Adam, then it's over, I'm done with you.
• 1:56:23
  So he said, OK, fine. So that was her consequence
• 1:56:25
  that. Was the thing.
• 1:56:26
  Adam will fix you. That was her thing, because
• 1:56:27
  she'd watched a bunch of my material because she found that
• 1:56:29
  he was avoidantly attached. So they came in and he just sat
• 1:56:32
  there like he owned it. He said I'm awful.
• 1:56:34
  I've I've broken my family. I'm terrible.
• 1:56:36
  He called himself the perpetrator.
• 1:56:38
  I'm the perpetrator here. She has a right to hate me.
• 1:56:41
  I am just going to do this. And he was resolved to just be
• 1:56:44
  miserable for the rest of his life to to be with his family.
• 1:56:49
  He hated himself. I had to actually walk him
• 1:56:52
  through the process of let's put the let's put the judgement
• 1:56:56
  aside for a moment. What are the gaps that allowed
• 1:56:59
  this to happen? Well, you never opened up to
• 1:57:02
  your wife ever. You kept her locked out.
• 1:57:05
  You thought you had to. You made decisions based on
• 1:57:09
  really bad information. You were tempted biochemically.
• 1:57:14
  You fell into that and you made a choice.
• 1:57:16
  But you also had these problems. You were emotionally shut off.
• 1:57:21
  You've learned otherwise. What are you going to do about
• 1:57:23
  all these gaps we see? Are you prepared to completely
• 1:57:26
  transform your life, Do all the things that terrify you, Be
• 1:57:30
  vulnerable to people you never would before?
• 1:57:32
  Have conversations with people you never would before?
• 1:57:34
  Are you prepared to be a different human being with
• 1:57:36
  everyone else outside of your marriage so that your wife can
• 1:57:40
  see that you've actually changed as a human being and then give
• 1:57:43
  her the best of you going forward?
• 1:57:45
  And he said he was very scared. He said, yes.
• 1:57:48
  So I said, all right, I'm going to put that to the test.
• 1:57:50
  So I made him go around and open up to everyone in his life, have
• 1:57:54
  all the conversations he was ashamed to have about desires,
• 1:57:57
  needs, hopes, goals, weaknesses. I made him build accountability
• 1:58:01
  with male friends, with his priest, with everybody around
• 1:58:03
  him. His life transformed.
• 1:58:05
  And eventually he stopped trying to make it change so that he
• 1:58:08
  would respect him again. He was joyful at making the
• 1:58:11
  change and said, even if she leaves me, I will keep doing
• 1:58:13
  this. And only at that place was she
• 1:58:16
  ever able to start trusting him again because the change wasn't
• 1:58:19
  to try to win her back. The change was so intense, he
• 1:58:22
  craved it. And then all of a sudden, her
• 1:58:26
  respect for him came back stronger than it ever had.
• 1:58:28
  Her desire came back very, very fiercely.
• 1:58:31
  Actually, they had a they had a second honeymoon phase in their
• 1:58:33
  marriage. At that point, she felt safer
• 1:58:35
  and more loved than she'd ever felt.
• 1:58:37
  And her brain began differentiating him from the man
• 1:58:39
  he was before to the new man he was today, because he actually
• 1:58:43
  was a new creature, right? We hear about that, the, the
• 1:58:46
  idea of resurrection of, of a new being he was.
• 1:58:50
  But in the fullness of truth and love and intimacy, we cannot
• 1:58:53
  really be a devout, faithful Christian living the faith until
• 1:58:58
  we've embraced secure attachment, which means
• 1:59:00
  intimacy, openness, trust, vulnerability, all of those
• 1:59:05
  accountability practices as well.
• 1:59:06
  That's what secure attachment is.
• 1:59:07
  And the faith demands that of us.
• 1:59:09
  When he did that, their marriage turn into what?
• 1:59:12
  What he had, what he had always wanted, what she had always
• 1:59:14
  wanted. They were joyful.
• 1:59:16
  How long? Ago was that?
• 1:59:18
  Can I ask how long ago? I closed out with him about a
• 1:59:21
  year ago so. They've been going strong for a
• 1:59:24
  couple years. Or what would you say?
• 1:59:25
  I did get an e-mail from them. Actually, not too long ago,
• 1:59:28
  talking about how amazing they are smiling happy photos on a
• 1:59:31
  cruise together. So they're doing amazing, praise
• 1:59:34
  God, absolutely. So it wasn't just like.
• 1:59:36
  We felt good for a few weeks and then it fell off the the rails.
• 1:59:39
  No, it took them. About six months, about six
• 1:59:41
  months start to finish for from Adam.
• 1:59:43
  I hate my life and I'm I'm the scum of the earth perpetrator
• 1:59:45
  too. I am more joyful than I have
• 1:59:47
  ever been in my life. And and it's not that the
• 1:59:49
  affairs were good, it's that being found out was good and he
• 1:59:53
  was happy he had been found out because the joy and the and the
• 1:59:55
  connection was so real. About six months.
• 1:59:58
  Wow, this has been. Amazing.
• 2:00:00
  I want to do a quick round at this end here of red flags and
• 2:00:03
  green flags. Let's do it for discernment
• 2:00:06
  connected to attachment, OK? Well, first tell us the
• 2:00:09
  different types of disordered attachments.
• 2:00:12
  Yeah, insecure attachments, I should say.
• 2:00:13
  Absolutely. So attachments.
• 2:00:14
  Are binary. You either have secure
• 2:00:16
  attachment, or you are fully connected with the other humans
• 2:00:18
  around you with good boundaries, or you have insecure attachment
• 2:00:22
  where you are cold, isolated, distant, connected or afraid of
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  abandonment, afraid of betrayal. You just can't connect to
• 2:00:28
  humans, so you relate to them by stimulation instead, right?
• 2:00:31
  And being stimulated, that's a binary.
• 2:00:33
  Now on the insecure side, you can have the anxious side, which
• 2:00:36
  says I am the problem, I'm not good enough.
• 2:00:38
  I am unlovable and I will be abandoned if I don't make people
• 2:00:41
  happy enough. Or you can be avoidant where you
• 2:00:43
  say other people are the problem.
• 2:00:45
  I can't let them close because they get dysregulated and hurt
• 2:00:47
  and betray. So I must be alone.
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  And then there's a third in between.
• 2:00:52
  It's disorganized. It just means cannot be
• 2:00:54
  organized into either category. So it's in the middle,
• 2:00:56
  disorganized. I've updated the field and I've
• 2:00:58
  I've pulled out two subtypes of each of those 4 but but that's
• 2:01:02
  the main and secure. Attachment looks like what it's
• 2:01:06
  you and I. Being able to have an honest
• 2:01:07
  discussion about needs, sadness, worry, concerns, and then
• 2:01:11
  solving problems together because our nervous systems are
• 2:01:13
  regulated. And I trust you to hear me out
• 2:01:16
  and you trust me to hear you out and that we will work together
• 2:01:19
  for mutual good. That's secure attachment.
• 2:01:21
  It's open, transparent and commutative.
• 2:01:23
  And what I. Love about that is secure
• 2:01:25
  attached. Securely attached people may
• 2:01:27
  still have a fear or worry or even a tendency that's
• 2:01:32
  disorganized, that is avoidant, that is anxious, but they know
• 2:01:36
  what to do. Absolutely.
• 2:01:37
  They seek. They seek communication, they
• 2:01:40
  seek connection, they seek openness instead of closing off
• 2:01:42
  and rejecting or plastering on and losing sense of identity,
• 2:01:47
  etcetera. I call that becoming.
• 2:01:48
  Remade secure. You weren't raised secure, you
• 2:01:51
  remade yourself into secure attachment.
• 2:01:53
  Absolutely. You may have feelings and
• 2:01:55
  worries and then you go to someone and say, hey, I have a
• 2:01:57
  feeling I'm worried when they tell you about it, can we work
• 2:02:00
  on it? And they say sure.
• 2:02:01
  And you fix it and it grows the bond between you.
• 2:02:04
  It's more unitive together because you've shared trust and
• 2:02:07
  love and bonded through oxytocin and vasopressin.
• 2:02:10
  So what? Are the flags that people might
• 2:02:14
  not realize are red that have to do with attachment in a dating
• 2:02:20
  Yeah and people. Out there will recognize these
• 2:02:22
  in partners but also themselves. Being afraid to ask honest,
• 2:02:25
  serious questions on dates because you're coming across as
• 2:02:27
  too much. Trying to just go with it and
• 2:02:31
  see where it goes over the next five years.
• 2:02:34
  Being afraid to share your vision because you'll be judged.
• 2:02:36
  Being afraid to ask deeper, probing questions because you're
• 2:02:40
  afraid you'll get laughed at or insulted or rejected.
• 2:02:43
  Thinking that you have to comply and be agreeable with other
• 2:02:46
  people so that they will ever, ever, ever be fair or honest
• 2:02:49
  with you. That it's all based on how you
• 2:02:51
  make them feel. Building relationships based on
• 2:02:53
  emotions instead of based on what you're trying to grow
• 2:02:56
  together. Thinking that marriage and
• 2:02:58
  romance is purely about emotional stimulation together
• 2:03:01
  instead of building an actual practical thing going forward.
• 2:03:05
  Even in religion, thinking that God hates you because you're
• 2:03:08
  imperfect. Thinking that he's endlessly
• 2:03:10
  judging and disappointed. Or the other side, the avoidance
• 2:03:13
  side, thinking that he's that watchmaker God who started it,
• 2:03:15
  kicked over the domino, and is now watching you and judging
• 2:03:18
  your performance to see if you're good enough for him.
• 2:03:22
  All of those factors go into insecure attachment.
• 2:03:24
  But realistically, it all boils down to this.
• 2:03:27
  Are your relationships with human beings direct and clear
• 2:03:31
  and focused on having transparency?
• 2:03:34
  Or are they about stimulating each other to try to protect
• 2:03:37
  both of you from hurt? That's really the connection
• 2:03:40
  piece. That's the secure attachment
• 2:03:42
  green flags. What are the green flags that
• 2:03:45
  somebody, if they have attachment issues, Actually
• 2:03:47
  green flags and dating asking direct probing questions, but in
• 2:03:51
  a friendly, polite manner. Not an angry manner, A demanding
• 2:03:54
  manner. You're not asking to see the
• 2:03:55
  bank. Statements on the first date,
• 2:03:56
  but you're asking what are you doing and why?
• 2:03:58
  Help me understand. Overwhelming.
• 2:04:00
  Just curiosity. It's not the Spanish
• 2:04:02
  Inquisition, it's actual authentic curiosity.
• 2:04:05
  Being able to share their challenges without collapsing
• 2:04:07
  into those things and saying, oh, woe is me, I'm so terrible.
• 2:04:10
  Here's a challenge I'm working on.
• 2:04:11
  I'm excited about it. Here's how I'm growing.
• 2:04:14
  Being able to share your values and wanting commitment and being
• 2:04:17
  clear about that from day one. Building toward commitment
• 2:04:20
  because that's all you're interested in.
• 2:04:22
  Having a range of good friendships that you talk about
• 2:04:25
  openly with everybody around you because there are no secrets.
• 2:04:28
  All of these are really good green flags that feel
• 2:04:30
  overwhelming to people with insecure attachment at the
• 2:04:33
  beginning. So if this feels like too much,
• 2:04:36
  you probably are afraid of connection.
• 2:04:38
  How can people find resources to better understand maybe areas
• 2:04:43
  that they're trying to? Heal in themselves when it comes
• 2:04:46
  to attachment or better prepare for meeting the one or being
• 2:04:51
  married to the one and having a strongly attached marriage.
• 2:04:53
  Resources. I have a lot of great resources.
• 2:04:56
  You are the king of resources. I am, I try to be.
• 2:04:58
  I have I have two amazing resources.
• 2:05:00
  Right now on my website for free on.
• 2:05:02
  Adamlanesmith.com you can go. On there and have the attachment
• 2:05:04
  style assessment that will show you what your attachment style
• 2:05:08
  is. I've had I think 40,000 people
• 2:05:10
  go through it so far. It's one of the biggest studies
• 2:05:12
  that we're running so far. I'm so excited about this, but
• 2:05:14
  it gives you what your exact style is with some opening steps
• 2:05:17
  of fixing it and becoming more secure.
• 2:05:19
  Number one, I have my free attachment newsletter on there
• 2:05:22
  where I'm sending out multiple times a week all kinds of
• 2:05:24
  information about skill training conversations to have very
• 2:05:28
  practical crunchy material. Those are great places to start.
• 2:05:31
  Me and my team of coaches are also on standby to help
• 2:05:34
  individuals and couples to work right now on anything you need
• 2:05:37
  to be fixing wherever you are, no matter how hard things are.
• 2:05:40
  We're happy to begin starting and I am running a retreat
• 2:05:43
  actually very soon down in San Diego with in person training
• 2:05:47
  with me and my team to walk you through a intense breakthrough
• 2:05:50
  protocol. Can people still sign up?
• 2:05:52
  Absolutely. I'd love to have people sign up.
• 2:05:54
  It's all on adamlanesmith.com. Amazing Adam, as usual.
• 2:05:57
  This has been phenomenal. Thank you.
• 2:05:59
  Thank you. Your work is so valuable and
• 2:06:01
  important. And helping so many people and
• 2:06:03
  I'm very grateful that you join the show.
• 2:06:04
  Again, thank you for having me here.
• 2:06:06
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• 2:06:11
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• 2:06:17
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