Latest / The Pausecast / Ep. 91: What does Emotional Intelligence or EQ solve for?

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Ep. 91: What does Emotional Intelligence or EQ solve for? · The Pausecast

0:04
Hi, I'm Rachel O'Meara. I'm the host of the podcast.
0:08
I'm also the author of pause harnessing, the life-changing
0:12
power of giving yourself a break, as well as a private
0:16
coach for men and women who are struggling with, how to get out
0:21
of overwhelm and reclaim their lives.
0:23
The pause cast is dedicated to helping individuals learn the
0:29
tools and Be more self aware that we can all be more capable
0:32
of to live our best life, to reach our potential.
0:37
Whether this is your first time listening or you're a regular, I
0:40
invite you to download my free gift to you which is a blueprint
0:45
called the three keys to stay out of overwhelm and Thrive.
0:49
The blueprint is available at my website, www.hiwayfx.com get it
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today so you can start to implement these tools that we
0:58
can all learn And that's what the paws cast is all about.
1:07
Well, hey everyone, Rachel here. And I'm excited to jump into a
1:12
topic that I don't think we really think our talk about too
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much in the realm of. Why would you want to build or
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grow your emotional intelligence.
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Like, what is that serving? How does that help you as a
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feminine leader? So I want to preface this a
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little bit with like the bottom line answer.
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That I have, is it it will solve everything almost.
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I mean you will still have to make money to live and survive
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and do all these things that we do in the world that we are that
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we require for our standard of living of living, right?
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And I would imagine most of us and all of us who are listening
1:56
to this episode in the podcast and podcast and general.
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Like we're really, we're really privileged, we're really
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fortunate. We have roofs on our overhead.
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We have have clean water to drink.
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We have a network of people. We have the internet accessed at
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our fingertips, like, there's so much that we have, and I think
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it's super easy to forget that underneath all of that,
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underneath everything is the ability that we have to.
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The dictates our thoughts, feelings and behaviors in the
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world and that is all driven 100% by your own emotional
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intelligence, or your own EQ. So, let's talk about this and I
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want to break it down into these four, big pillars that I work
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with my clients with. And if you don't know me at all,
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maybe this is your first time listening.
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How I came about in all of this is that I burned out of my job.
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I burned out at Google many moons ago at this point but it
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really It was because I wasn't present, and I didn't really
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know Ed any time other than maybe, when I felt happy, enjoy
3:04
how I felt. And emotions, were kind of like
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this, secondary tertiary even be happy on that.
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Fourth fourth, Fourth Place, six place of my world.
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So I didn't really think about them.
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I didn't notice them. Other than when I just felt
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angry and I stuffed it down. Who are my passive aggressive
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out there? And, and then I went about my
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day, you know, I did my things and I think a lot and my case I
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used Athletics for really getting my system in a place
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that felt good. Meaning, I would run harder.
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If I was angry that day, even though I didn't really know, I
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was angry. I just felt frustrated if I let
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myself feel that. And so, I'm saying all of this.
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Because if you're relating to anything in this story, maybe
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you maybe you struggle with feeling present and you've got
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kids at home and you're thinking, Thinking about work,
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as you're doing the dinner, or playing with them, or spending
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quality, time, so-called quality time with them.
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Then then, this is for you, this episode is for you because I
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think we undervalue these tools that we can learn and we can all
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learn them. I know that firsthand, because
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if I can do it, you can do it. And then we all of a sudden,
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start to shift in ways that feel really eye-opening not only
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eye-opening, but just opening in general.
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In our lives. So we start to create space for
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things that matter more to us and that is a big deal, right?
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What if you had more time when it's had more space for
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thinking? What if you were being in
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service to your doing, right? All these things that you love
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to do was actually present for them, so that you could do all
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these awesome things you're doing in the world, right?
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When it comes to work and showing up, I think when we're
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able To understand our emotional intelligence and how we're how
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are showing up and what we can do differently.
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Then our worlds can really shift not just at work, but everywhere
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because you might have heard this same.
5:06
Let me know if you have, right. The way we do.
5:09
One thing is the way we do everything.
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I think I say that a lot and I remind myself of that a lot
5:17
because I think sometimes in my world maybe you can relate to
5:22
this compartmentalizing is like a really good.
5:25
Strategy and then you don't have to think about something and
5:28
that's that's needed sometimes. But let's talk about these four
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pillars, kind of break it down for how this helps solve
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emotional intelligence with what it, what it leads to.
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So, the first pillar is just leading from from this EQ
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Mastery space. So, what does that mean?
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Right? What is EQ Mastery?
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And what does that solve for? And so if you tuned in to the
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podcast, Sewed, 90 last week, we talked about these competencies
5:59
of EQ. We talked about self awareness,
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self regulation. Also, also called emotional
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regulation, which is like expressing ourselves.
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We talk about empathy resilience, we talked about
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social awareness, and the ability to read the room, for
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example, like why that matters so much and all of that, so
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that's really what EQ leaders are working on.
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I would say, And doing it EQ L now or what like we all know
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this and there's so much and that's episode goes into it to
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about evidence, why we need this, right?
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We it's the number one skill recruiters are looking for in
6:38
leaders and in fact, a lot of technical skills or those
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competencies that are just knowledge-based are learnable.
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We can all take a coding class. We can all learn a language,
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right? These are skills that are
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available. If we take a course and kind of
6:52
study up, what we also, Also think is the challenge, though,
6:57
is with, when it comes to EQ, emotional intelligence, it
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doesn't it doesn't get learned in a class necessarily.
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Like, if you read a book, right? You actually have to apply it so
7:07
that your brain starts to change the way it thinks you start to
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make the unconscious, which are your P, your patterns, your
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unconscious Behavior, your, your habits that are going on
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autopilot that may or may not serve you.
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Well, right, what if you interrupt people?
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If you are in drama all the time blaming others or maybe you feel
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victimized, like these are big deal, things that really impact
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us as EQ leaders. So I think that's the first
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pillar that is important to know about.
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So EQ solves for really a gap in the world right now and we so so
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need you, if this is your jam, if you are wondering how I can
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be more self-aware. So I love talking about the
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daily pauses that I think Are available for anyone to try.
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And that's a great way to start. You can name a feeling that's
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another great way to start. And these are really simple
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things, right? These are many, many moves that
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move in to help you move into this desired space.
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Okay, so that's the first pillar, the EQ.
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L, the second pillar is build on that, which is the embodied
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leader, right? So, as a as a female leader in
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business, guess what you are, gifted in this aspect, Act of
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being embodied because women in general, like this is a general
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term but we are sensitive, right?
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Like our skin is actually more sensitive to touch with the
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female brain and the body versus the male brain and the body.
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These are just things that are been have been backed up by
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science. And again it's generalities.
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But we also are in touch with our emotions to the point where
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it's been ostracised that we aren't actually seen in a
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positive light for it. If we are feeling Maybe, Sad or
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depressed or or frustrated or hurt like all of these things,
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right? So, knowing how you feel
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requires you to be embodied because you have to be in your
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body to notice what you're feeling, okay?
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And so embody, leadership, I talked about this a lot in my,
9:14
in my talks to two clients, it really means checking in with
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that self-awareness, how you're doing?
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But you truly congruent in your body?
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And in what you say and do in the world, meaning, if I am, if
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I am angry, am I smiling in the meeting?
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Like, probably could be possible, but it's not going to
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come across genuine. It's just not.
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And we've all kind of scene in witness this, if we're on the
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other side, right? So embodied means I am aligned
9:47
with what and how I think and feel with how my body's in the
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world, right? And so that is a really
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important skill because sometimes we think will no one
9:58
will notice. If you know how resentful, I
10:00
feel if I just show up and play. Nice, can anyone relate to this?
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I'm curious for me, man. I know this was a big one and I
10:11
also had learned through my own studies and emotional
10:15
intelligence. Some things like Little White
10:18
Lies were very rampant in my family in my in my family system
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and Is okay to kind of stretch these truths and now looking
10:29
back. I know that that isn't congruent
10:31
because those weren't in Integrity with the truth.
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So things like this are really key and then our bodies suffer,
10:38
right? Like we might feel pain, it can
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show up physiologically and all of this.
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So embodied leadership is super, super important, and it's
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another huge pillar. It's another huge need that we
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need in the workplace and we have to shift their if we truly
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want to move. Into this next level of how we
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can be in the world and sustain ourselves and the planet.
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I think right embodied leadership.
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So those, so the third pillar, so we've covered two EQ L,
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embody, leader. The third pillar what EQ solves
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for, by the way. And I love this one.
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This is to me, like, ding ding, ding the grand prize is how to
11:18
be a nourished leader. I call in my class in my
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executive leadership. Accelerator course I called I
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call this a mental. Ninja boy, can't talk mental
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ninja skills, right? So if I'm a nourished mental,
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sorry if I'm a nourished ninja missing up my words by mannerist
11:37
Ninja. I'm solving for how to stay
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sustained as a leader. I'm not burning out.
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I'm not in my stress mode and looping thoughts in my head that
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are depleting me. I'm not racing around, my mind
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isn't jumping from 20 different things and that's a skill that
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can happen when we train the brain and our bodies to get
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nourished and that's super, super important.
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But we have to know what to look for.
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We have to know how to access it.
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Sit and what it means. So my question to you listener,
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my dear listener is, what is nourishing for you today?
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Like, what have you done? That feels nourishing, just
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think about what you've done so far in your morning hours in the
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day that you've had and you can even go back, maybe, you know,
12:29
24 hours if they, if you need to.
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But I think you could probably just stay in the last couple
12:33
hours. Maybe you woke up and brushed
12:35
your teeth and you thought today is going to be a good day now.
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A really good skill by the way, right?
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That requires conscious effort, maybe went outside and put the
12:45
garbage cans out even though that might not be an aspect, you
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think of as nourishing you were outside.
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The sun was on your face, you felt the ground underneath, you
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know, these aren't big things, right?
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But they require us to be present.
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That's like big big part of this and they require us to be
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learning and growing in the moment.
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Okay, those are like, the two, two things that are so
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important. Oughtn't to be nourished and
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that's again, a skill that we can learn and build.
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I know the media doesn't tell us.
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That's what nourishment is. No, heck no.
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Heck no. We go to the spa, we get our
13:19
nails done. We get our, I'm going to the
13:22
hairdresser today for bang, trim, like, oh, I'm gonna get in
13:24
there. No, no, like my learning and
13:26
growing in that moment. No, not really.
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Am I checking my phone? If I'm there or you might be
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then you're not present, right? So the key is, these are two
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aspects of nourishment, that are super, super important.
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Definition is from the right Graduate University where I
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studied this and they know what they're talking about.
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So nourished ninja is so important in that in EQ, we do
13:50
that because you are self-aware to know what you need when
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you're present for it. And then you regulate, right?
13:55
You know how to back off of something, if you're feeling a
13:58
little stressed out, it's really cool.
14:01
So then we have one more pillar left that mastering your EQ
14:05
solves for as a female business leader?
14:08
Can you guess What it is. I kind of slipped and said it
14:10
already, which was a faux pas on my part.
14:15
But if you haven't guessed by now, it's really tying it all
14:18
together and it's these mental ninja skills, right?
14:20
Being a mental Ninja on the Fly where you are able to, like, use
14:25
that taser technique. I talked about in, paused zap,
14:28
your critic, brain, Mental Floss, right?
14:31
Like mental flossing, where you tease out, literally?
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Oh, that thought didn't serve me.
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You stay objective in those things.
14:39
Mental ninja skills. Yes, they require presence but
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it's so so much more than that. It's really knowing how to talk
14:46
to yourself so that you feel nourished.
14:49
So you can also identify unconscious beliefs and believe
14:53
it or not, you can do that. Even, even when you're not
14:58
conscious through, through coaching, through programs
15:00
through support, but no one can do it alone.
15:02
That's the other key. Because guess what?
15:04
You probably know this being unconscious means.
15:07
You don't know what, It is that you are thinking sometimes,
15:10
right? It's an underlying current that
15:12
isn't available in the in the thinking brain and that's a
15:16
super over simplified answer, but I think that will suffice
15:19
for now. Okay, so what happens when we
15:22
have mental ninja skills, everybody?
15:25
I know you're what you're thinking.
15:27
Well, I can get my, I can get through my day, I can feel
15:30
better. I can enjoy the sun on my face.
15:34
When I am taking the garbage out.
15:36
I don't have to think about just all the crappy garbage.
15:38
I got to take out, right? Rick Hansen.
15:43
Who wrote the Buddha's brain? He wrote he wrote resilience, he
15:47
is on the podcast. There's a, really, really good
15:50
episode with him. I adore dr.
15:52
Hanson, he has this great quote that He says, the that negative
15:58
thoughts are like, velcro and positive thoughts are like
16:02
Teflon, okay? So, just image image that in
16:05
your in your Mount own mental ninja skills, right now, right?
16:08
So when we have negative thoughts, it's like they just
16:10
cannot go away. They're stuck there.
16:12
They're just like velcro and man, like you've got your laces
16:15
on your shoes and then never coming off, no matter how hard
16:18
you pull it apart. That's the reality because our
16:22
brains are reptilian Evolution and And fight or flight mode can
16:26
kick in and we're scanning for threats.
16:28
That's really what happens. So, knowing that we the
16:34
collective and you as the incredible leader that you that
16:38
you are can say, hey, you know what, I don't have to believe my
16:42
thoughts today. I can I can I can focus on one
16:46
positive thing. I can tell myself, you know,
16:48
today's going to be a good day, right back to that or whatever
16:51
it is that you want. And that's like Teflon, so
16:54
guess. Us what that's going to slip
16:56
away. Unless you really tell yourself,
16:58
maybe 5 or 10 times in the day and that reminds me of another
17:02
statistic I want to share, which is great one from The gottman
17:05
Institute, right? John gottman.
17:08
We all know him, he wrote, oh well, he's done a lot of things
17:13
but he has this concept of gosh. You guys look it up now.
17:20
That's in a very good job. Yeah.
17:24
So he's so the gottman Institute are experts on relationships and
17:30
do incredible work in the world. Maybe I'll have him on the
17:33
podcast, some Daytime the podcast, but he talks about the
17:38
number of times, we need to have a positive thought to negate, at
17:42
least one negative thought. And what the gottman say is that
17:47
it takes seven possible. Positive thoughts to negate one
17:51
- thought. So if you for everyone -
17:54
thought, if you thought 7 positive ones, then you start to
17:58
actually out do that - thought in your brain, right?
18:02
If you want to neutralize it, it's five.
18:05
So just even to neutralize it. You still need five positive
18:08
thoughts. And that's what we're talking
18:09
about here. That's why mental ninja skills
18:12
are super critical. You cannot move forward, as an
18:15
EQ L, without them. Like you just can't so knowing
18:19
that someone Important part of this practice.
18:22
What are the skills that you already have?
18:24
I'm sure there's some that you could take inventory from and
18:27
and then actually celebrate those, right?
18:29
That's X accenting the positive, that's you, doing the work for
18:34
being a mental ninja and helping EQ, Mastery in your own way, the
18:40
what it needs to be for you. Alright.
18:43
So there you go. I just went through these four
18:44
pillars and real quickly. They are the you know just in
18:47
general be being An EQ leader and saying this is what I'm
18:51
signing up for this is my new way of leading, because we need
18:55
it. I will feel more nourished and
18:58
supported through this because it's, it fulfills me to show up
19:01
like this and others will benefit to.
19:03
I'm going to bring others along with me.
19:05
I want to make a difference in this world.
19:06
I want to do these things that are important and we can't do
19:09
that without our feelings. We just can't.
19:12
Otherwise we'd all be otamatone Source gvt, right.
19:16
The second one is embodied leader.
19:18
So we need Match, our bodies with our words and our thoughts.
19:23
And that's hard, right? In our bodies, can react and
19:26
respond in ways that aren't in a, when they're not in
19:29
alignment. So that's a really big one
19:32
because that that's solving for us to feel aligned and to feel
19:36
fulfilled and to feel supported as well.
19:40
And the nourished ninja skills solves for how to sustain
19:44
yourself, I think one of the biggest issues I see right now
19:47
that Gap, I have a lot of clients.
19:49
Coming to me, telling me they are not sustained.
19:52
They are doing so well, in their job, like, they're getting
19:56
promoted or getting raises even if they're laid off.
19:58
They find a job immediately and they're not sustained and that
20:03
is not, okay? Because doesn't have to be that
20:05
way, right? Why would you run yourself into
20:07
the ground while you're doing great stuff so that you can't
20:11
enjoy any of it? But, it's not, okay, right.
20:14
And so we have to learn new ways and that's what that is being a
20:18
nurse ninja. And then Lastly, mental skills,
20:21
zzq being a mental. Ninja means that you are
20:25
navigating negativity. You're finding new words that
20:29
can support new ways of being and you're you're allowing
20:34
yourself to create things and in the conscious brain that is
20:38
impacting your unconscious to know that your thoughts and
20:43
feelings and behavior are shifting and ways towards Really
20:47
feeling like you're Reaching Your Potential and and coming
20:51
out on top as a female business leader in all aspects of your
20:54
life. Not just work because like I
20:56
said, earlier, and I do love this quote, right?
20:59
Wonder? Who said it the way you do?
21:00
One thing is the way you do everything.
21:02
If anyone knows who said that might just be an ancient
21:05
proverb, maybe that's it. All right.
21:08
So listen, if you are really thinking about this, I'd like
21:13
you to think about which one of those four pillars Do you want
21:16
to focus on like, which one of those would be the one to say,
21:19
hey, you know what? I do need to get sustained.
21:21
I need, I need these skills as a nurse ninja.
21:23
I don't know what to do. How do I start?
21:26
So, first of all, you've already started.
21:28
So give yourself some credit. You listen to this podcast,
21:32
you're thinking about things in a way.
21:34
That's the first step, right? There's so much more you're
21:37
scratching the surface, but this is huge.
21:39
And know that change happens in incremental steps.
21:42
It's not a big, big thing to do a shift because then we end up
21:45
usually, So know that I have so many tools and resources for
21:50
you. I have so many so many.
21:52
One of them is a retreat coming up in May in San Francisco.
21:56
It's open for the public. Anyone can come.
21:59
It's met before, it's May 13th, it's a Saturday 10:00 to 6:00
22:03
p.m. I've got, I've got this weekly
22:07
podcast, I've got coaching, you can sign up for a 30 minute,
22:11
free complimentary call with me and amplify your impact strategy
22:15
session. We Figure out what those root
22:17
causes are that are causing you to maybe not be feeling good or
22:22
overwhelmed, we can totally tease that out and get you some
22:26
tools. Thank you so much for being
22:29
here, know that you are on your way.
22:31
If you are listening to this, you are not here by accident.
22:34
My friend. Thank you so much for being
22:36
here. And remember pausing is in
22:39
service to you're doing. And it is not an accident that
22:43
we need. Both, and that we need our
22:44
feelings, we are designed to feel And we'll get you to your
22:47
next level of leadership. Thank you.
22:50
Thank you. Thank you.
22:51
And we'll see you next time on the podcast.
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