Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E235: The Biggest Mistakes Women Make With Men (That Pushes Them Away) | Lila Rose Show

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E235: The Biggest Mistakes Women Make With Men (That Pushes Them Away) | Lila Rose Show · The Lila Rose Show

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  Men and women, our brains don't even configure themselves in the
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  same way. We think differently, our vision
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  is different, and we expect that the other person's supposed to
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  be coming from our point of view.
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  She proceeded to tell me about every time she'd seen me
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  emasculate a man. What did that look like?
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  Most women don't even know when they're emasculating a man.
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  The more overt. Ones would be a woman has to pay
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  attention to 9 things to have you understand something that
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  she needs. I started asking the question,
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  what makes a woman the right person for you to marry?
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  There are 12 things on the list. Allison Armstrong has spent a
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  lifetime studying men welcome back to the Lila rose show in
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  today's episode, I sit down with author, coach and relationship
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  expert Allison Armstrong to discuss all things male and
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  female dynamics, how to have healthier male and female
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  relationships, especially marriages.
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  We get into the deepest question.
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  So we go beyond things like love languages, communication styles,
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  even attachment styles, and we get into very core questions
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  about what is driving the needs of men and what are driving the
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  needs of women. Everything we do at the Lila
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  Rose show is designed to help improve human flourishing, make
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  your life better. And this is in pursuit of
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  building out harmony between the sexes.
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  Men and women are incredible. They're designed to work in
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  beautiful harmony together. And I think this episode will be
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  very eye opening and fascinating for anyone interested in that
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  topic. Now, Allison and I might not
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  agree on everything, but I find tremendous value in a lot of the
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  perspectives and insights that she shares in this interview.
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  And as always, don't forget to be subscribed to the show.
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  And if you're listening on podcast app, make sure that you
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  leave us five stars in a review that also helps the show reach
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  more people. Allison Armstrong, welcome to
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  the podcast. Thank you.
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  It's a pleasure to have you here.
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  Thank you. I'm really excited about.
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  Being here with you, I was starting to talk with you before
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  and I was like, we got to save this for the interview already.
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  So you were saying so many interesting things.
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  So I know people are going to really be benefited by this
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  episode. My good friend Allen Fisher
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  introduced me to you and your work, and I thought these are
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  perspectives that are incredibly difficult to find today, but are
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  immensely valuable for women and for men.
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  Thank you. And women really are the ones
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  that can take hold of these ideas and incorporate them in
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  their lives. So let's start with your
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  background. What you were talking before we
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  started the interview that you actually identify as an
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  activist, which is interesting because I thought she's a
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  speaker, a thought leader, an author.
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  Tell us a little bit about your background.
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  Well, I mean, I gave my teachers a whole lot of trouble starting
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  in elementary school, but what about and it shouldn't be that
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  way. That's not right.
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  So one thing led to another. It's working in the
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  transformation of education. Kindergarten teacher saying, but
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  how do we teach our kids? Woman asked me this.
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  But how do we teach our kids when they can't stay awake in
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  school because they've been kept up all night by their parents
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  fighting? That was four years into me
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  studying men, and I had started studying men because, like
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  Kimberly in the Queen's Code, my friend was called a frog farmer
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  and it. Bounced.
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  Someone actually used those? Words on her actually happened.
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  His name was Herb that. Term is basically Prince
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  Charming turns into a frog. Instead of you kiss the frog, he
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  turns into Prince Charming. Right and.
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  Yes. So what Herb said to Lisa was
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  some women turn frogs into Princess.
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  You, my dear, turn Princess into frogs.
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  Ouch. Yeah.
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  And she challenged him. This was in a in a seminar with
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  about 200 people. Why is it that men are wonderful
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  in the beginning? And they'll take you to romantic
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  places and they'll give you romantic gifts And she said, and
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  they'll listen to you talk about your pets and your family as if
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  they care. And then within a few weeks or a
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  few months, they turn into, and I mean, I'm not even going to
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  recreate the bitterness in her voice.
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  It hurts just to hear it. Sports, watching pizza, eating
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  couch slugs. Why is that?
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  Articulate woman, but sad. Yeah, yeah, Sad perspective.
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  Yeah. And I was watching Herb the the
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  the trainer at the times that they called him and I was
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  expecting a different reaction. I was watching very closely and
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  and it like he liked it, like dug into it and he walked down
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  the aisle and he stood in front of her and intentionally checked
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  her out just to aggravate her because she was leading.
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  Some women lead with their sexuality not knowing that to do
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  that you're causing the most primitive reactions in men.
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  It's how we bring out the worst in men, one of the ways, and
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  then we think that's who men are.
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  Meaning she was dressed provocatively.
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  She was dressed provocatively. Her stance was provocative, her
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  frosty lipstick, everything was provocative in a, in a sexual
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  way. And so that's when he said, oh,
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  I see you're a frog farmer. And what?
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  And there's like, groans in the room.
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  And the men had crossed their legs at her question.
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  When men open their legs, it's that's how you know, they feel
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  safe, that they're not going to be disempowered.
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  And they had their legs crossed. They're on guard for being
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  disempowered, for being emasculated.
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  And their legs are crossed a lot, most of the time because of
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  our culture and individual women.
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  So one thing led to the other. And then and then what happened?
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  I call it the harmonic convergence, which so much of my
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  life is like that. We, we have the same boss, you
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  and I and, and when she said, what if they can't learn because
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  they've been up all night? I had been studying men at that
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  time for it was almost five years and and I had made a
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  promise when I was 28 years old. I'd made it what we call an
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  impossible promise. So one could say the purpose of
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  my life. I defined the purpose of my life
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  when I was 28 years old, and the shorthand for it is heaven on
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  earth. And the long way of expressing
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  my promise was that every man, woman and child would be fed,
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  housed, clothed, loved and respected.
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  And I'd been working on the Fed house clothed.
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  And it just, I saw it in that moment like, oh, when there's
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  love and respect and we respect and love people fed hath closed.
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  That's like kind. Of follows.
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  It's just a no brainer in the presence of love and respect.
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  Of course we're going to care for each other, care for
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  ourselves in because it applies when we don't love and respect
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  ourselves. We don't care for ourselves.
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  So it just took a turn right there, just took a turn that oh,
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  who can't be heard is men because I've been listening to
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  them for almost five years. And I finally could hear what
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  all the men my father when I was young had been trying to tell me
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  about himself, but I didn't believe it.
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  I discounted it and it's one of the things that I mean, if a
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  woman wants to know the men in her life better, whether it's
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  her husband or her sons or men she works with, her brothers or
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  father, what if they mean what they say?
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  Because we tend to listen that when they say I do that because
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  or this is or I'm this way or it is this way.
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  We tend to listen to it as a poor excuse for bad behavior.
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  And we don't we don't treat it like it's real.
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  We don't treat it like they're telling me the truth.
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  OK, how can I hear it? And that really what people what
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  happens to people through the Queen's code, for example, or
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  live workshops that were all the research to be able to write it
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  it if we just consider their men and women just starting with
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  gender hormones, men and women, our brains don't even configure
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  themselves in the same way. We think differently.
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  Our vision is different. What we we don't see the same
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  things with our eyes, right? And we expect that the other
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  person supposed to be coming from our point of view, from our
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  values, from our preferences and attachments and from our wounds.
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  And we expect so much of the other person to be like us and
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  we can't hear them when they're speaking about the world for
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  them. And once I, that was the first
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  thing I had to do. I had to learn to listen.
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  Stop interrupting. These are not superficial or
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  shallow people at all. They're deep, deep, deep wells
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  of feeling and emotion and care. Oh my gosh, how much they care
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  is astonishing. And but they think different.
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  And you and I, we could interrupt each other back and
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  forth for two hours and we'd be fine.
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  We'd call it a conversation. But when that happens to a man
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  or or women later will when the hormones change, we become
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  single focused. Anyone who's single focused,
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  you're running the train off the track and they're just thinking
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  that that's all there is to them.
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  But but when they've got something to say, if we don't
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  let them say the whole thing, it just crashes and they don't pick
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  it up again. They don't pick it up again
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  unless they're serious about the point they're going to make.
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  And usually when we're trying to get to know them, they're not
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  trying to make a point, but we won't ever get to know them if
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  we don't listen long enough. So that's what I started doing
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  and I was astonished by what I heard and it was so different.
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  Was born in 1960, so I grew up if the I was like coming of age
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  in the convergence of Barbie dolls and feminism.
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  Glorious. I mean, I think about the
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  antithesis of your message, Gloria Steinem.
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  Not a woman now her message then.
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  Yes, yes, I mean, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a
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  bicycle. I had that T-shirt.
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  I wore that T-shirt proudly in my teens.
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  I wore, I wore that T-shirt to a a protest of a nuclear power
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  plant to be put in. I'm tired of saying I'm a
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  service though. The one that's melting down?
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  Oh, no, that's a different one. OK.
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  So isn't that sad? That's a different one, just
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  that we would say that which, which one's melting now?
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  So yeah, I realized it's men now who can't be heard.
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  It was the homeless. They couldn't be heard.
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  They were all considered to be a certain way.
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  Children, very difficult for children to be heard.
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  I very, I usually don't use the word children.
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  I just call them young people because when we say their
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  children, it's a way that they're demoted instantly and we
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  don't pay enough attention. And they're, Oh my gosh, they
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  perceive so much more than we give them credit for.
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  Stunning, stunning. And so, yeah, got to.
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  Men can't be heard. And so, OK, how can I articulate
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  men for women so that women will then be able to see and hear men
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  in their life? I never wanted anybody to need
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  me to do this translation. Just if I can open your eyes,
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  get the prejudice out of our ears and listen to these folks.
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  And it doesn't mean that everything about them is great.
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  No, they're human. They and they struggle deeply
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  with issues of honor and accountability and shame and
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  fealty and faith. And they're complex and they,
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  they say they're simple. Like when people, men are like,
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  what do you do? I've been studying men since
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  1991. I've literally had a man in an
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  airplane turn to me and go, are you slow?
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  We're simple. And it took a while for me to be
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  able to say right back, no, you're not.
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  You're direct. And you confuse that with
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  simple. But a woman has to pay attention
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  to 9 things to have you understand something that she
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  needs. Nah, that can't be true or
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  simple. Took a group of men and went
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  through the 9 steps and talked about what would happen if each
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  one didn't happen. It was validated by the men.
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  Oh yeah, you do need to do all of that.
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  The nine steps of what the man needs to be doing to respond to
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  women. Know what a woman has to do in
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  expressing her needs. To a man.
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  To a man to support him in giving her what she needs, which
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  men want to give us what we need, but for him to understand
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  what it is and what it would look like and what it would
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  provide for her and have the chance to say what he would need
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  from her to give it to her. Unfortunately, just starting
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  with the first step, you have for the first step to make
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  sense. The first step is ask for a time
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  to talk. Why should I have to ask for a
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  time to talk? I'm his wife.
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  Well, because, and then that's the whole conversation of single
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  focus and, and, and their intensity about doing what
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  they're doing when they're doing it, because their brains are
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  built that way. And if we die, try to tell a man
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  what we need. And we try to do this all the
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  time while he's in the middle of something else.
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  He can barely hear it, let alone take it in, interact with it,
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  and then take it on. So every single one of those
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  steps would go back to a longer conversation, which we might
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  cover naturally, and they could add up to that.
• 15:37
  Allison, there's so much to get into with these topics, and I am
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  curious with your perspective about homelessness.
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  You said you realized it starts with love and respect and we
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  need to solve that problem. You had been already studying
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  men for four years. What was it that turned you on
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  to? I want to study men.
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  When Lisa, she's a volunteer and part time staff in the
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  organization that I ran when she was called a frog farmer, my
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  life flashed before me. Like I literally saw rows of
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  rows of frogs like on a farm with human heads.
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  And there was my ex-husband and there were all my ex boyfriends.
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  That lasted about two weeks at a time because I thought that men
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  are con artists and I wanted to reveal the con before I fell for
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  it. So I I would poke them.
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  I would deliberately antagonize them to see their real self
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  before I got sucked in. And I got to see that that
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  antagonism actually brought out the worst in them.
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  It didn't bring out their real self.
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  It brought out their real instincts.
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  Their, their, their need to protect themselves from me,
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  which is one of the worst things that we do with men.
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  And it's my hope we get to talk about there's a hierarchy in, in
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  what we pay attention to. And men and women both, we, we
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  love being in a state of provide, of just wanting to give
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  and able to give and provide what people need.
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  And that's a happy place for most people.
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  But when we're afraid, when we perceive a threat, when we feel
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  under attack, we retract from giving to protecting, and we'll
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  protect whatever we see is under attack.
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  So like for too many men, and it's true for women too, because
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  we become more and more successful.
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  Like a man may feel like my husband felt like the retirement
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  fund was under attack when I honey, honey, let's put in this
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  pool. Let me tell you about this pool
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  and I tell them all about the pool.
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  I even had pictures with sequins on them for the water sparkling,
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  right? It was very vivid.
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  And I showed him, I showed him in the yard and it would go like
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  this. And then he said no and he
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  walked away. I yelled after him.
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  Who made you the executive branch?
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  Why is your no bigger than my yes.
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  It was just like, it was furious.
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  And then we unpacked it and took a while.
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  But if the person who's holding themselves accountable for a
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  result can't veto, then we can't protect the result.
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  And it's one of the most important things to work out in
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  a partnership, like with a family who's accountable for
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  this part and who's accountable for that part.
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  I was accountable for a children's education.
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  So my husband empowered me when I had to go fight with the vice
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  principal. And this is on you, honey.
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  This is your area. And I would empower him.
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  We called him. We called him the chief of
• 19:06
  safety. So even if I thought he was
• 19:09
  overprotective of our children, no, we're going to do it.
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  Dad says he's the chief of safety.
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  Oh, come on, Mom. No.
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  If he thinks it isn't safe, we're not going to do it.
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  Why? Because it would disempower him.
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  He would be defeated and disempowered.
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  He wouldn't get to provide that the way that he wanted to
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  provide it and was built to provide it.
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  And so this in partnership, we've got it.
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  We've got to decide the territory.
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  Accountability is inherently territorial.
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  And if we don't say yes, that's your territory and I will honor
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  that. And this is this is what I need
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  you to be accountable for so that I know you're also taking
• 19:55
  care of what matters to me. So that's where the partnership
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  comes on. It's not all your way.
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  It's deciding together what is the way.
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  OK. I'm the one that'll be in charge
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  of that. And I mean, it can be gorgeous.
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  It's just gorgeous when when we're united, which I think.
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  The marriage is supposed to be a union, which means we have to
• 20:16
  keep reuniting, reuniting, reuniting.
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  So we have this I, I consider a very precious time together.
• 20:25
  You have written the Queens code, you've written other
• 20:28
  books, you've given many, many speeches.
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  You've done a whole body of work.
• 20:32
  If you have, you know about an hour or so with a woman and
• 20:37
  she's coming with you, coming to you with her frustrations or
• 20:39
  grievances. Every woman's going to have
• 20:41
  different unique elements. But her challenges with men,
• 20:46
  let's say her husband or the men she's dating and they just
• 20:49
  can't, can't hold on to them. It doesn't work out.
• 20:51
  Or the husband that's disappointing her or frustrating
• 20:53
  her or hurting her even. I mean, I'm not talking about
• 20:55
  like direct physical abuse, but I'm not just emotional feelings,
• 20:59
  disconnects. Where do you start with this
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  woman? And what would you say if you
• 21:05
  have again this hour with her, what would you say?
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  These are some of the key secrets that you must know of
• 21:12
  the Queen's code, as you call it, in order to discover a true
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  intimacy and freedom in love with this man that you care
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  about. And I know a lot of these things
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  will also work with, with brothers, men in the workplace,
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  because there's certain secrets about a man's nature as
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  different from a female nature. Where I would start would be
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  where she's at. So only place to start is where
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  someone's AT. And underneath the frustration
• 21:43
  is so much pain and hurt and even despair.
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  How am I ever going to get what I need from these people?
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  And and that's what can have us just like when I woman's face is
• 21:58
  no longer radiant and it's just what happened, how did we get
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  here and how am I ever going to get what I need.
• 22:07
  And so wherever she is, where they're most aware of
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  frustration. When I started in 1995, women
• 22:17
  were furious. We, as we characterize our
• 22:21
  customers as angry and vengeful, and then within being angry and
• 22:26
  vengeful, could you want another possibility?
• 22:30
  And our workshop was called Celebrating Men Satisfying
• 22:34
  Women. 1995. 1995. You were the You were the OG
• 22:37
  elephant. Activists, Activists are the OG
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  so and then the ones who do it for ages.
• 22:45
  So so wherever a woman is at in like at the anger spectrum from
• 22:52
  annoyed to fury, right or emotionally, is she still
• 22:58
  reaching? If we're reaching, if I'm
• 23:01
  reaching for you and you're reaching for me, anything's
• 23:04
  possible. It's when we're not going to
• 23:07
  reach anymore. And that's why we called the
• 23:12
  workshop that so that someone who wasn't reaching that as
• 23:15
  angry as they were, they still were curious about celebrating
• 23:19
  men, even if they came and they were skeptical, just that they
• 23:23
  put themselves in the seat, right.
• 23:25
  So if someone wants something other than what they've got,
• 23:31
  then then everything I do can help.
• 23:36
  If they're not reaching anymore, they're just purely defensive
• 23:40
  and arguing for what their life and how they do it and that it's
• 23:45
  and who men are really this or that or same with a man.
• 23:48
  If a man isn't reaching anymore for who women are, that he's
• 23:51
  been so hurt and and objectified and gone without what he needed
• 23:57
  for so long that he won't reach anymore, that there's just
• 24:01
  there's the opposite side, right?
• 24:02
  We've got, we've got how the derision of men and we've got
• 24:07
  the derision of women on the other side.
• 24:08
  And it's all underneath that is a whole bunch of pain and
• 24:13
  unfulfilled needs. So I would start there.
• 24:16
  And then depending on what she said, it might be aha, we need
• 24:23
  to talk about single focus versus diffuse awareness because
• 24:27
  that's the source of our communication problems and our
• 24:30
  misunderstanding. Or with someone, it might be,
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• 24:37
  to love you. You don't have to.
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• 25:45
  Let's start with that one. OK.
• 25:47
  I I and I think from the from the mind of a woman listening
• 25:51
  who and it could be in a marriage, but also could be pre
• 25:53
  marriage and she's just having trouble even finding and, you
• 25:59
  know, holding down is kind of the kind of coarse way to say
• 26:03
  it, but finding trouble even getting married.
• 26:08
  And then maybe she if for women who's married, I think it can
• 26:10
  apply to in terms of discovering that husband that they may be
• 26:14
  dated that still wants to date them and, you know, court them
• 26:18
  and they have this romance in their marriage and there's still
• 26:21
  butterflies and all the fun things and know it now feels
• 26:25
  very different. The experience of marriage.
• 26:30
  Oh boy, as you said that I I thought of Ellen Hurst.
• 26:34
  Who to change my life Because I had been studying men for about
• 26:41
  6 months and unknowingly was using everything I was learning
• 26:46
  against them. I would I became better at
• 26:49
  attacking them and manipulating them because of what I'd learned
• 26:53
  about them. And Ellen called me at Ending
• 26:59
  Hunger Orange County, which is the organization I was the head
• 27:02
  of, and said, Allison, men are attracted to you like bees to
• 27:08
  honey. And when you're done with them,
• 27:10
  it's as if they've been with a vampire.
• 27:12
  Wow. I'm like, let alone me.
• 27:17
  And she proceeded to tell me about every time she'd seen me
• 27:22
  emasculate a man, diminish a man, take the wind out of his
• 27:25
  sails every time. What did that look like?
• 27:29
  Because then the reason I've got to ask this is I think most
• 27:31
  women don't even know when they're emasculating a man.
• 27:35
  Yeah, they wouldn't think they're emasculating a man at
• 27:39
  all. Can I point out the 2 tracks?
• 27:43
  Where I'm sorry. No, because they go together.
• 27:46
  So all the things we do to try to get a man to love us, we
• 27:53
  don't have to. And it even gets in the way
• 27:57
  because men already love us. We don't have to work to get
• 28:02
  them to love us if we stop diminishing them, if we stop
• 28:06
  disempowering them, if we stop making it harder for them to
• 28:10
  produce the results that they've got to produce.
• 28:13
  That's what gets in the way that the love part they they grant
• 28:18
  that they're they are born adoring their mothers looking
• 28:23
  into those eyes. And it's the it's the
• 28:29
  misunderstanding begins by about the time they're one and years
• 28:33
  old, like my grandson's 1 1/2. So it's we don't have to work to
• 28:38
  be loved. They love us.
• 28:40
  And if if you let that in, right, If you let that in and
• 28:45
  could, yes. Are there bad men, very bad men,
• 28:49
  yes. And there are very bad women
• 28:51
  too. But the rest are born and stay
• 28:56
  loving women. They love us, they need us, and
• 29:02
  they're not trying to not need us.
• 29:05
  Now there's some groups way over the edge now of men trying to
• 29:09
  not need women, but it's because they've had the same kind of
• 29:14
  frustration in getting what they need from us.
• 29:16
  But normal, ordinary born loving women born wanting to protect
• 29:24
  women, born wanting to provide for women, but it goes awry
• 29:31
  because they protect us the way they see that we need to be
• 29:34
  protected. And that can make us really
• 29:37
  angry. I can do that myself, right?
• 29:41
  So we have a reaction to what they perceive needs to be
• 29:45
  protected about us, which is another thing to align on in a
• 29:48
  marriage. Honey, this, this is what I need
• 29:51
  to be protected from. Mostly we need to be protected
• 29:55
  from ourselves, from the critical voice in our own heads
• 30:00
  that pipes up whenever he doesn't act the way we expect
• 30:03
  him to. Well, that's because he doesn't
• 30:04
  love you and he doesn't love you because you're to this, you're
• 30:07
  not enough that right? So it's we need to be protected
• 30:11
  from that. So if someone accepted their men
• 30:17
  love me, there's no scarcity of love.
• 30:21
  I am loved. That changes a whole life.
• 30:26
  That changes how you be in the world.
• 30:29
  And one of the things that's most important about that is
• 30:31
  we're either on the offense or mostly most women are on the
• 30:36
  offense with men or on the defense with men.
• 30:39
  Both of them 'cause mischief. If we could neither be on the
• 30:45
  offense attacking like I was or defensive, prove it to me.
• 30:52
  Show me, right? If we could be just in the
• 30:55
  middle open, who are you? Who are you and how much do you
• 31:01
  want to know who I am? Really.
• 31:05
  Oh, oh, we can begin. And then there's what I call due
• 31:09
  diligence, especially for picking a mate.
• 31:12
  We say the M word too soon and the D word too soon.
• 31:17
  There's so much we need to get to know about each other to see
• 31:20
  if we fit. And I learned this from men,
• 31:24
  actually started asking men if do you want to be married?
• 31:28
  Almost all of them said yes, but they never left out the sentence
• 31:34
  afterwards. The qualifier when I meet the
• 31:37
  right person, if I meet the right person to the right
• 31:41
  person, hopefully I'll meet the right person.
• 31:45
  So I listen very carefully, right?
• 31:47
  So I started asking the question, what makes a woman the
• 31:50
  right person for you to marry? There were There are 12 things
• 31:55
  on the list that make a person the right person married, and
• 32:01
  none of them are love. Nobody said love.
• 32:04
  I love her that that's just. That was the given.
• 32:07
  That was just That's the easy part.
• 32:09
  Loving women is not scarce to them, so they don't have to find
• 32:13
  a woman to love. They find a woman who they can.
• 32:22
  Oh, boy, I I warned Harris that this happens, that every
• 32:27
  question has at least five ways to go.
• 32:31
  Men commit differently than women.
• 32:33
  Men. Men pick up the whole package.
• 32:40
  So they start by looking. They're looking for a woman with
• 32:43
  complementary strength. They are looking for strength.
• 32:48
  And they see women, it's really, really, really strong, but they
• 32:51
  don't need to be duplicated and they don't want to be
• 32:54
  duplicated. They wanted to be admired for
• 32:58
  the ways that they're strong, that you aren't.
• 33:00
  And the only reason they want to be admired by you is because
• 33:02
  they admire you. So because they think so little,
• 33:06
  we want to be admired by the people we admire.
• 33:09
  So men scan for complementary strength.
• 33:13
  It's it's in their nature. They do it all the time.
• 33:16
  We do it too, for a different reason, but they do it.
• 33:18
  They're it's like they're always filling A-Team or looking for a
• 33:21
  partnership and, and, and then when they find it and oh, she
• 33:29
  likes me, that's one of the 12 things she likes me.
• 33:34
  Did our parents pay? Did did your mother teach you to
• 33:37
  look for men you liked? Mine didn't.
• 33:43
  I was taught to look for beautiful men, handsome, strong,
• 33:48
  rich. Do you know that's that's with
• 33:50
  the imprint, imprint back in the 70s.
• 33:52
  So still is in a lot of ways. You mean instead of men you like
• 33:58
  if they need to fit check a box? It never even showed.
• 34:01
  Up do. You like him?
• 34:02
  Educated because do you like him?
• 34:04
  Yes, it never even showed up. Do you like him?
• 34:07
  What do you like about him? And, like, when we're like, oh,
• 34:10
  I'm so in love with him, and the chemistry's amazing.
• 34:14
  And I'm like, OK, do you like him?
• 34:18
  What do you mean, do I like him? Well, if you were to have
• 34:21
  children, would you hope they would be like he is because you
• 34:25
  prefer how he is? Huh.
• 34:28
  What? We're not taught to think of
• 34:31
  these things, but one of the things that makes a woman the
• 34:34
  right person is she likes me. Another she doesn't emasculate
• 34:38
  me too much. Wow, the fire is on the floor.
• 34:45
  Yes, and too much changes. Men in their 30s, for example,
• 34:50
  will put up with a heck of a lot more emasculation than a man in
• 34:55
  his 50s, what we call the stages of development.
• 34:57
  A Prince. Highly adaptable, although he'll
• 35:02
  be really upset with himself for betraying himself.
• 35:05
  A king. No, Kings have very low
• 35:07
  tolerance for emasculation. They'd rather be alone than to
• 35:10
  be diminished by a woman. So being liked, which includes
• 35:16
  being accepted. And so when a man is looking for
• 35:19
  a partner, he's looking for those complementary strengths.
• 35:23
  And then, OK, what goes with this?
• 35:27
  And when he chooses her And we feel it in our bodies before
• 35:30
  they ever say, will you marry me?
• 35:32
  We can feel when they have picked up the whole package, we
• 35:38
  feel safe, we feel loved and we feel safe.
• 35:41
  And it's because they have, they have they have accepted the
• 35:45
  stuff that goes with what they value about you the most, that
• 35:49
  that's just part and parcel. And if one of their friends
• 35:52
  says, oh, but she's so that's just how she is.
• 35:57
  And he's he's not out to change it.
• 35:59
  Even though it might hurt him, even though it might be
• 36:01
  irritating, even though it might trip him up, he's not going to
• 36:04
  try to change it. He bought the package.
• 36:08
  And yesterday with Ellen and Andrew, the question was what a
• 36:14
  men don't know about women. And many of the things were men
• 36:19
  don't know what women don't know about them.
• 36:24
  That's one of the most important things for men, which is why I
• 36:27
  love they can they can do our understanding men workshop in
• 36:31
  person. It was only for women.
• 36:32
  Men get to watch it online and be my students and learn what
• 36:36
  women don't know about men and they find out all these things
• 36:38
  they didn't know about themselves.
• 36:40
  So here's the thing just to finish that one.
• 36:43
  Women don't buy the whole package and it we actually need
• 36:47
  to do it intentionally. And if I ever took on being a
• 36:52
  marriage counselor, which I sometimes end up being like that
• 36:57
  in odd ways because I interact with my students a lot, we
• 37:03
  commit 1 acceptance at a time. One, that's how he is.
• 37:11
  That's what he needs. That works better for him.
• 37:15
  OK, OK. OK.
• 37:17
  OK. OK, OK.
• 37:20
  I've known women who had wedding ceremonies 30 years ago and
• 37:25
  there's hardly anything about their husband they have
• 37:27
  accepted. They're still trying to change
• 37:31
  him at his core. They're trying to change who he
• 37:35
  is, which is expressed in what he values, what's worth his time
• 37:40
  and energy, and they're trying to change what he spends his
• 37:44
  time and energy on. Know that that feeds him.
• 37:49
  It feeds him. That's why he does it, because
• 37:50
  it feeds him. You want him to not be fed?
• 37:53
  Or they accept it in a dismissive and resigned.
• 37:58
  Way it's not acceptance that's put up with.
• 38:01
  Let's be resigned to it, not acceptance.
• 38:04
  And that creates hostility in a marriage.
• 38:07
  Oh my gosh, it's. Very dark.
• 38:10
  A dark energy that brings. It Yes, it's a good word for it.
• 38:14
  It's and if only it was dark and still, but it's so damaging.
• 38:20
  It's it's, it's cancerous. Anywhere from a full on assault
• 38:26
  to just a cancer. Eating away, eating away, eating
• 38:29
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• 39:22
  Use the code Lila. This question of why can't
• 39:25
  women? Some women feel like they can
• 39:27
  get a man to marry them, basically that they like or that
• 39:30
  they love. And then there's, you know,
• 39:32
  conversely, the women that are married that are thinking he was
• 39:35
  not the man I married. Like, where's the romance?
• 39:37
  Where's the love? Where's the attention, the care?
• 39:39
  And I think that a core principle you're sharing here,
• 39:44
  which is so powerful, is that men, when they marry, they don't
• 39:50
  go into the marriage, you know, ready to they, they've already
• 39:53
  accepted the, the whole package. But women go into the marriage
• 39:57
  and they're not necessarily aware of what they're marrying.
• 40:01
  I mean, it's, I think the, what you're where you're getting at
• 40:03
  here is we don't understand these people we're marrying, We
• 40:06
  don't, or the people we're dating.
• 40:09
  And So what happens is, is we either marry them somehow and
• 40:13
  then we don't understand them. And there's these chronic.
• 40:16
  The issues in the relationship that make us unhappier and
• 40:19
  unhappier and unhappier and drive us apart.
• 40:21
  Or if we're dating, we just can't get to the marriage state
• 40:23
  because we are just not really we're we're we're maybe
• 40:28
  emasculating them in a way we don't even realize or we're
• 40:31
  turning them off after just a few months, you know, we become
• 40:33
  the vampire as opposed to the Princess.
• 40:36
  And, and so some of these core things about understanding men.
• 40:40
  What is it that you think would be the key things then that a
• 40:44
  woman has to understand if she's going to properly love a man and
• 40:48
  be loved by 1 and be loved by a man?
• 40:51
  Men and women. And there's some issue in here,
• 40:56
  OK, because especially as our hormones change, as women age,
• 41:01
  we become more focused on producing results, more
• 41:08
  oriented. That way we can become more
• 41:10
  focused. But in general, estrogen will
• 41:13
  produce a diffuse awareness in women.
• 41:18
  To men, we appear scattered. Put a man on estrogen, he knows
• 41:25
  exactly how he got that way. Our brains are configured to
• 41:33
  scan for safety. Am I safe?
• 41:36
  Am I safe and my children safe? Are we safe?
• 41:39
  Are we safe? No matter what we're doing,
• 41:41
  there's part of us that's paying attention to safety.
• 41:45
  That is not true for men. Single focus has them pay
• 41:50
  attention to what am I going to produce next?
• 41:54
  What is there to do next? What am I producing next and
• 41:56
  next and next. First things first.
• 41:59
  Not the multitasking that diffuse awareness has us do.
• 42:02
  So understanding that then we can start to reach towards each
• 42:09
  other to communicate better. Because anyone focused on
• 42:14
  productivity, their communication is going to be for
• 42:17
  the purpose of productivity. Hand me that, go do that now.
• 42:23
  Give me that. Is that done yet?
• 42:25
  It's all organized around productivity for women as a
• 42:30
  physically smaller and weaker gender, which we're profoundly
• 42:34
  aware of in ways that men don't even know.
• 42:38
  And they've cried when I've illuminated it for them.
• 42:43
  We feel safe when we feel connected, especially to the
• 42:47
  people we perceive as strong. So like they're scanning for
• 42:52
  complementary strength, We're scanning for are you strong
• 42:56
  enough to protect me? Are you strong enough to provide
• 42:59
  for me? Are you strong enough to make
• 43:01
  strong children with me? So we're scanning for that
• 43:04
  strength, but behind it is a fear that if we're not
• 43:09
  connected, if I don't feel like we're connected, you're going to
• 43:13
  use that strength against me. So I have to keep trying to make
• 43:18
  sure we have this feeling of connection to know that, you
• 43:22
  know, I'm here and you're going to save me from the tiger,
• 43:25
  whatever the tiger is today. I mean, the one in my head.
• 43:28
  So we're we're like on auto redial to connect and connect
• 43:33
  and connect and it causes problems.
• 43:37
  It causes problems because they're single focused.
• 43:42
  Try connecting with a wall. And that could be an
• 43:44
  interruption. It is connect and they're just
• 43:47
  like. Yes, yes.
• 43:50
  And they This is why I would call we say we have a posing
• 43:53
  instincts that that do you seek security and productivity.
• 44:00
  Oh yeah, we got her done. We got her done.
• 44:03
  We nailed it yes. Or are you looking for the
• 44:06
  feeling of safety and connectivity and connection.
• 44:10
  So a man, for example, since we're talking in that way, being
• 44:17
  productive, hunting the deer, hunting the deer, hunting the
• 44:20
  deer. Oh, yeah, OK, we're getting it.
• 44:22
  Oh, that's the problem. Identify the problem.
• 44:24
  Identifying the problem is a huge success, which is why they
• 44:27
  listen the way that they do to us.
• 44:29
  And we're upset. What's the problem?
• 44:30
  What's the problem? What's it, bro?
• 44:32
  So identifying a problem is being productive and coming up
• 44:35
  with a solution is being productive.
• 44:37
  And then we interrupt them to get the feeling of connection
• 44:41
  back. Hi honey text we call, we open
• 44:46
  the Home Office door. Hi Henny.
• 44:49
  Hi. If they even lift their head.
• 44:52
  And then we went to get connection and our attempt to
• 44:58
  connect was rejected. And now I'm even less safe than
• 45:01
  I was before. He's mad at me.
• 45:03
  Is he mad? He's meaner?
• 45:05
  Is he mad at me or why? Why didn't he look up?
• 45:07
  Was it because I hate what I said to him?
• 45:08
  This one. And we spin out.
• 45:11
  We spin out trying to figure out the why, but we don't come up
• 45:16
  with accurate answers because we answer our why questions with
• 45:21
  why a woman would have done that.
• 45:24
  Wow. And that's where the drama, all
• 45:27
  the unnecessary drama comes in. Yes, because we think they're
• 45:31
  reacting the way we would have or, or that bad best friend that
• 45:34
  hurt us or whatever, that woman that whatever.
• 45:38
  And it's not. And it's not even just a male
• 45:40
  experience. It's not just.
• 45:41
  Yeah, sorry. It's not just even that.
• 45:43
  We think it. We're sure of it.
• 45:46
  And we'll tell them you did this because of that.
• 45:51
  No, I didn't. And they turn around and walk
• 45:56
  away. Why are you walking away?
• 45:59
  And if you were to articulate, say because this isn't worth
• 46:03
  doing, you can't hear me, I can't be heard.
• 46:07
  I can't win here. This is a waste of time and
• 46:09
  energy. They just shut up.
• 46:13
  When they can't be heard, they just shut up.
• 46:17
  And there's so much about them we never see or know because
• 46:21
  they're we don't listen long enough and we're sure we're
• 46:24
  right. I mean, there's a joke.
• 46:27
  The man's alone in the woods and he speaks.
• 46:29
  Is he still wrong? Yeah.
• 46:37
  Yeah. So in all likelihood, a woman
• 46:41
  who's struggling even to get to the point to have a marriage
• 46:46
  where now he becomes different and there's a good reason why he
• 46:49
  becomes different. He will become different the
• 46:52
  moment you say yes, the moment he decides you're the one and
• 46:57
  you agree he will change because because they buy the whole
• 47:01
  package when you say yes. He's now married.
• 47:05
  He's now married. He's just been upgraded to
• 47:07
  husband one point O. He's going to function with the
• 47:09
  accountabilities of one point O. It starts now.
• 47:13
  When's the wedding? I don't know if she's dealing
• 47:15
  with that, but he's being a husband before the wedding.
• 47:19
  The wedding's for the community, for the friends, for the fun,
• 47:21
  for her. He's already a husband, which
• 47:24
  means he has holds himself to new standards and new territory.
• 47:30
  It's my job now to protect you from that.
• 47:35
  I watched you struggle with that the whole time we were dating.
• 47:38
  Now I'm going to protect you from it because you're mine and
• 47:42
  this is my job. And so they change.
• 47:46
  They really do change when they pick us and we agree.
• 47:50
  They change, their accountabilities expand.
• 47:53
  And if we aren't supporting them and what they're being
• 47:57
  accountable for, they have to stay and protect energy and
• 48:02
  protect energies like like lead. Protecting themselves?
• 48:06
  In this Case, No. You're even just working so hard
• 48:09
  to protect you. They can't play stress.
• 48:12
  It's a stress now. Yeah, it's now a stress to
• 48:15
  protect you. Honey, you're wearing yourself
• 48:17
  out on the wedding. Honey, you're so tired.
• 48:21
  Honey, can you just let that go for now?
• 48:25
  Men need our vitality, our life force recharges their battery to
• 48:35
  go out there and be productive. So when we're tired, it's like
• 48:41
  having your charger, you can't plug in.
• 48:45
  She there's nothing to plug into, she's too tired.
• 48:49
  So from her tiredness, he is wearing down.
• 48:54
  We're meant to be complementary. We're so made for each other.
• 48:59
  I swear, when I first started studying men, I came about it
• 49:02
  from an anthropological point of view.
• 49:05
  How what if there's a good reason for all of this, right?
• 49:08
  And there's so much that makes sense from the point of view of
• 49:11
  survival. And but then there was a tipping
• 49:15
  point where I was like, it's too perfect.
• 49:20
  It's just this is too perfect. This was not accidental.
• 49:25
  This did not evolve this way. This is too perfect.
• 49:29
  And there's a book I didn't write called The Belated
• 49:35
  Education of Adam and Eve. And there's a conversation in
• 49:39
  that book about these instincts that we have to procreate and
• 49:44
  protect and provide, and they compel us to do these things.
• 49:47
  And that the point of them is that so human beings could use
• 49:51
  their consciousness for more important things, they wouldn't
• 49:55
  have to pay attention to surviving.
• 49:56
  That's hardwired. Now use your parasympathetic
• 50:00
  nervous system to connect, to love, to for love, to connect
• 50:06
  with God, the Spirit, with each other for love.
• 50:10
  And so, but we, we, we all have two nervous systems.
• 50:15
  And if we keep antagonizing the most primitive nervous system,
• 50:21
  then that's where our time and energy gets spent.
• 50:24
  If we just take care of that, what are just the basic needs
• 50:28
  here, we take care of that, then we have access to the best part
• 50:33
  of ourselves. And it's true for both men and
• 50:36
  women. And This is why a woman seeking
• 50:39
  a mate, seeking her protector and provider, if she doesn't
• 50:45
  know she's already loved, if she thinks there's a scarcity of a
• 50:52
  right person, like she's got to find the one is are you the one?
• 50:56
  Are you the one? Are you the 1:00?
• 50:58
  What if there isn't just one? What if there's so many
• 51:03
  different flavors of partnership and union that you could have?
• 51:07
  So what's the one that lights you up?
• 51:10
  What's the one like? Like I married my husband.
• 51:13
  I married my husband because he brought out my best me.
• 51:19
  I, I loved what he brought out of me.
• 51:23
  And it started with how safe, how safe he had me feel and then
• 51:27
  how much he appreciated how I am.
• 51:29
  He liked me, which is another thing that women don't look for.
• 51:33
  Does he like me? Do I feel liked or even the
• 51:36
  question, OK, forget how great he is.
• 51:40
  Do I like who I am when I'm around that person?
• 51:44
  You know? Oh, there's such chemistry and
• 51:47
  attraction. Yeah, that's why you're a ninny
• 51:49
  around him. Tone it down.
• 51:51
  That'll always bring out the worst in you.
• 51:53
  It brings out the worst in both of us, men and women.
• 51:57
  So. But does he like me?
• 51:58
  And do I like me? Do I like who I am when I'm
• 52:02
  around that person? There's a recording on our site
• 52:06
  called Causing Those Loving Feelings and it's literally what
• 52:11
  is there to pay attention to. To cause the space of love in
• 52:15
  ourselves, to expand, to expand in general, to expand for
• 52:20
  another person, to expand even for ourselves, to love ourselves
• 52:24
  more. And has everything to do with
• 52:27
  admiration and respect and affinity, which means liking
• 52:32
  someone. So if we don't feel liked and
• 52:35
  they don't feel liked, the space of love squished and oh, he's so
• 52:43
  wonderful, really. What do you admire about him?
• 52:47
  Admire if women were looking for what's admirable about this man,
• 52:54
  like the question at the top of the head instead of what's wrong
• 52:57
  with him, What do I admire about him?
• 53:00
  What do I admire about him? What do I admire about him?
• 53:02
  Like a treasure hunt, looking for what there is about this
• 53:04
  person to admire. Even when there's a lot to not
• 53:07
  like, you can end up admiring them.
• 53:10
  I really admire that person. And so in answer to your
• 53:16
  question, the struggle comes from we're paying to attention
• 53:19
  to the wrong thing. We're trying to be loved by
• 53:22
  being whatever we think will make them love us on top of they
• 53:26
  already love us. And then we think we're dealing
• 53:31
  with a kind of woman that we can, if we just criticize them
• 53:34
  enough, they'll act right. And women criticize men because
• 53:41
  criticism changes women. We have almost no protection
• 53:46
  against criticism. If we're not engaged in admiring
• 53:50
  and respecting and liking ourselves, we're just will be
• 53:56
  slayed by criticism. We will change from criticism.
• 54:00
  We think men are the same, and so we criticize them as a way to
• 54:05
  get them to change. And when they don't change, we
• 54:07
  think they didn't change because they don't love us.
• 54:10
  That's not why they didn't change.
• 54:13
  It's because they have a completely different
• 54:14
  relationship to criticism. So in that scenario where the
• 54:21
  you said he decides I'm going to marry this woman or he's married
• 54:24
  to this woman and then he's in the protect mode, right?
• 54:27
  And this and the woman can dredge up then.
• 54:31
  Well, his behavior seems to change, though.
• 54:33
  Let's just say that. Let's say that.
• 54:35
  But my my sort of read on it is, and correct me if I'm wrong
• 54:38
  here, is that often he starts to change, but the person who
• 54:44
  actually has changed first in many ways is her, but she
• 54:48
  doesn't realize that she's changed.
• 54:51
  Yes. Is that fair to say?
• 54:54
  Well, they're both changing. They're both changing.
• 54:57
  They're both changing, and it changes with each sort of level.
• 55:02
  OK, now you're my boyfriend. So now my expectations of you
• 55:06
  change and my and what I expect you to expect of me changes.
• 55:11
  So I'm going to change to be what I think a girlfriend
• 55:14
  supposed to be, what I think that fiance supposed to be, what
• 55:17
  I think a wife is supposed to be.
• 55:19
  Unfortunately, we don't talk about this.
• 55:24
  So, honey, after we're married, what is it about me that you
• 55:29
  hope I never change? Good.
• 55:32
  Question. Yes, and especially because what
• 55:36
  they love about us are all ways of being.
• 55:39
  It's how we're being. But our capacities like for,
• 55:45
  because we are stuck with these human bodies, the qualities of
• 55:49
  being, their spiritual qualities, but for us to truly
• 55:53
  be them, we have to embody them. So how do you get patience in
• 55:58
  your body? I get it with sleep.
• 56:01
  A lot of women not sleeping enough so they don't have that.
• 56:06
  Patience is amazing, right? Compassion, Lovejoy, generosity,
• 56:15
  serenity, Oh my gosh, peacefulness.
• 56:19
  Peacefulness is one of the most attractive and awe inspiring
• 56:25
  qualities in a woman. Now does that mean sedate?
• 56:30
  No, because they they need playfulness.
• 56:34
  They need us to play with them. It's one of the ways our energy
• 56:37
  flows to them is when we're playing with them.
• 56:42
  So we mentioned sleep and I I when I think about the woman
• 56:46
  that changes or the woman that's in a dating relationship and
• 56:49
  frustrated and and and or in a marriage, is she getting
• 56:51
  frustrated? It does often source with a or
• 56:55
  come from a turbulence in her. You know, she has a need that's
• 57:00
  not being met. She has a frustration that she's
• 57:04
  just working at. And you mentioned sleep, and I
• 57:08
  think that's such an incredibly powerful thing that we, a lot of
• 57:13
  women don't have today. We're harried, we're worried,
• 57:16
  we're frazzled, we're frustrated, we're burnt out in
• 57:22
  many ways. How much would you say of our
• 57:26
  relational issues are from women not really taking care of our
• 57:31
  own selves and having expectations that are impossible
• 57:36
  then for the people around us, especially the men?
• 57:40
  It's a great question and I would say it's pretty near 50.
• 57:47
  Fifty, 50% is that we don't know who we're interacting with.
• 57:53
  We think we're talking to a hairy, misbehaving woman, and
• 58:01
  they're not. And they think they're talking
• 58:03
  to a scattered, emotionally indulgent man, and they're not.
• 58:09
  And so I would say at least 50% of it is misperception,
• 58:17
  misinterpretation, misunderstanding, mischief, OK.
• 58:21
  And probably the other 50% is that we don't know how and we
• 58:30
  don't prioritize because we don't know how important it is.
• 58:33
  We don't know how to cause ourselves to be our best selves.
• 58:37
  And this is a really big part of my work.
• 58:41
  How do you take spiritual values and embody them in a way that
• 58:48
  you naturally be that way? You don't have to say to
• 58:53
  yourself, be patient, be patient, be patient.
• 58:55
  No, you are patient. This is one of the things I
• 59:00
  think mothers have to decide what what is it most important
• 59:05
  for me to be for my children? And we and we can't have 10 of
• 59:11
  them. We got to have maybe 2.
• 59:14
  And what I wanted to be for my children was patient.
• 59:18
  I Children collapse when their parents are impatient.
• 59:25
  They just, it's like, it's like somebody squishing them.
• 59:28
  And I have three incredible kids.
• 59:33
  My son is your age. He's my eldest.
• 59:37
  And they've, and they were born incredible, right?
• 59:40
  God made them. Of course they're incredible.
• 59:44
  I only take credit for not squishing them too much just to
• 59:49
  let them keep unfolding and who they're meant to be, to discover
• 59:54
  and to become who they're meant to be.
• 59:57
  And, and so patience was what I chose that that was going to be
• 1:00:02
  my priority. And I, I didn't sleep for
• 1:00:07
  myself. I could stay up into the wee
• 1:00:10
  hours and be a happy camper for myself.
• 1:00:13
  I slept for patience. I slept for my kids.
• 1:00:18
  And my kids learned. My kids learned not to wake me
• 1:00:22
  up. And I overheard my son say wait
• 1:00:25
  till it says 7 on the clock and and she'll be patient.
• 1:00:31
  Really. Yes.
• 1:00:32
  So you taught your kids when I sleep, I'm a better Mama.
• 1:00:36
  I am a patient. I am patient, I and that's one
• 1:00:39
  of our jobs. We figure out like mom needs a
• 1:00:42
  time out. I'm going to be walking around
• 1:00:45
  the yard. Y'all staying here?
• 1:00:47
  Keep safe, OK? Hard when there's a one year
• 1:00:51
  old. Well, that's a little.
• 1:00:52
  Tricky. That's a little tricky, but
• 1:00:54
  it's. Put them in the plate but.
• 1:00:56
  Very early, very early. They can learn this.
• 1:00:58
  And I, I remember once I looked in the rearview mirror and my
• 1:01:02
  son was sitting between his two sisters and they'd asked me,
• 1:01:05
  Mom, can we go to the movies? And I was like, hmm, I don't
• 1:01:09
  know. And, and like, come on, come on,
• 1:01:12
  on. And then I was started to think
• 1:01:14
  about, well, how could we go to the movies?
• 1:01:17
  And I looked in the rearview mirror and and Jeff was going
• 1:01:27
  and I had taught them this. I can give you a no immediately
• 1:01:31
  if you want to yes, you have to be quiet and give me a chance to
• 1:01:34
  think about it. They young people need to be
• 1:01:40
  empowered. How do I get the mom I need?
• 1:01:43
  How do I get the dad I need? It's not about walking on ink
• 1:01:47
  shells. It's how do I know what what
• 1:01:50
  what do I do? And I used to not.
• 1:01:53
  I didn't even know how like frazzled I was until I would
• 1:01:57
  feel these little fingers going like this in my hair.
• 1:02:04
  And then I. Oh.
• 1:02:08
  You're getting the monsters out. That's what we called it when I
• 1:02:13
  was frazzled. My kids knew if they just
• 1:02:17
  touched my hair. That is so sweet also.
• 1:02:20
  You just touched my hair one time.
• 1:02:23
  They made me lay down on the ground.
• 1:02:27
  One had a brush and one used their fingers.
• 1:02:31
  Another was rubbing my back and they were just like, like
• 1:02:34
  getting just let's, let's have mom be mom again.
• 1:02:39
  But the, but the thing that's so beautiful about that, of course
• 1:02:41
  it's helping you, but it's this bond where you guys are on the
• 1:02:45
  same team for how we're going to be loving with each other and be
• 1:02:49
  harmonious together because we are human beings and made in
• 1:02:52
  God's image and they were special.
• 1:02:54
  And this is special. And so we're going to really
• 1:02:56
  work for each other in this special way.
• 1:02:58
  I mean, that's what that is. It's cooperation together.
• 1:03:01
  Yeah, it's partnership. It's partnership.
• 1:03:03
  That's one of the definitions of partners on the same side of
• 1:03:05
  your team. Yeah.
• 1:03:07
  And if you, if you're figuring out OK, what do you need?
• 1:03:12
  And instead of thinking it's stupid, OK, could you say more
• 1:03:16
  about that? What would it look like if you
• 1:03:17
  were getting it OK? And what would that provide for
• 1:03:22
  you? Because it sounds ridiculous to
• 1:03:23
  me, but let's go with this. We have a format for this.
• 1:03:27
  It's called making a deal. So what do you need and what
• 1:03:30
  would it look like? And if I did that, what would
• 1:03:33
  that provide for you? Really.
• 1:03:37
  You'd get that from that. Now suddenly it starts to be
• 1:03:41
  worth doing. Oh, OK, Wait a second.
• 1:03:46
  Let me see if. OK, I'm willing to do it.
• 1:03:50
  I see the benefit. I'm willing to do that.
• 1:03:52
  I want you to have that. Is there anything I need to give
• 1:03:56
  you what you need? Yes, it's a good one.
• 1:04:01
  And the answer is yes. And, and, and this is the thing
• 1:04:06
  that happens a lot is that we try to have people be
• 1:04:10
  accountable and generate what's important to us.
• 1:04:15
  No, they're accountable and they generate what's important to
• 1:04:17
  them. If your husband doesn't generate
• 1:04:20
  dates, it's because dates aren't important to him.
• 1:04:24
  That's why it's on you to generate the date.
• 1:04:27
  And he'll want to know where you want to go instead of picking
• 1:04:30
  the restaurant. Why?
• 1:04:31
  Because he wants to make you happy.
• 1:04:34
  So it's more for women than for men.
• 1:04:38
  A lot of times, yes, and then but, but if we look to see
• 1:04:44
  whatever is important to us, if I'm asking you to be accountable
• 1:04:47
  for something that's important to me and I ask you what you
• 1:04:50
  need, I'm hoping what you need from me is going to be the
• 1:04:55
  initiation of the whole process. I want it to be in my hands
• 1:05:01
  because this is my need. This is what this is important
• 1:05:05
  to me. So when Dan my, my boyfriend
• 1:05:09
  says, will you text me? Of course, because he's just
• 1:05:15
  said yes to something I asked of him.
• 1:05:17
  If I text him, that's all he needs and he'll go do it.
• 1:05:20
  He'll go do it. But why should you need to text?
• 1:05:24
  You should remind yourself why can't you remember to do things
• 1:05:26
  for me? We take it personally.
• 1:05:29
  We think it means something. No, they know that they're
• 1:05:32
  focused. They know they're going to be
• 1:05:34
  focused at the time that they're supposed to be doing that.
• 1:05:37
  So they need something to interrupt the focus to make sure
• 1:05:40
  they do it. They're they're trying to manage
• 1:05:43
  themselves to give us what we need.
• 1:05:46
  It sounds like a big part of what you're saying though, is
• 1:05:49
  that we need to know what we need.
• 1:05:52
  So back to the sleep thing. I mean, and even you as a mom,
• 1:05:54
  what a self aware mom that you knew.
• 1:05:57
  I'm crabby because I'm tired. So I need to find a way to rest
• 1:06:01
  more. And I want to get my kids
• 1:06:03
  incorporated in this rest project so that they have more
• 1:06:06
  fun with mom because I'm not so impatient.
• 1:06:08
  But you're taking that intentionality of walking
• 1:06:11
  through a plan, basically of how to make sure that you have what
• 1:06:15
  you need and and identifying what that need is and then
• 1:06:19
  creating a plan to achieve it. Well, I didn't have a plan.
• 1:06:25
  It evolved, but it did start with in the word we use as
• 1:06:29
  clarity. It all starts with clarity.
• 1:06:34
  When I feel like I'm myself, when I like myself the most, how
• 1:06:38
  am I being? What am I being?
• 1:06:41
  Oh, I'm being compassionate and I'm I'm being empowering.
• 1:06:46
  I want people to be more able and I'm seeking the truth and
• 1:06:50
  I'm telling the truth even when I don't like it, right.
• 1:06:54
  And I these are my highest values and partnership,
• 1:06:57
  partnership is in there contentment, happy enough with
• 1:07:00
  what 1 is or does or has. That's my spiritual practice
• 1:07:05
  contentment. It's one of the things that I
• 1:07:08
  embody. So we have to start with what we
• 1:07:10
  want to be in order to know what we need, OK.
• 1:07:15
  I want to be patient. What gives me patience?
• 1:07:19
  Sleep gives me patience. How much sleep and actually
• 1:07:23
  quantify it and start to notice, oh, the same amount of sleep
• 1:07:28
  started an hour later does not have the same effect.
• 1:07:32
  It's oh, if I start my sleep slide, which men don't know
• 1:07:38
  about women, men don't know what a process it is for us to fall
• 1:07:41
  asleep. They just conk out.
• 1:07:44
  They don't know what we have to do to quiet ourselves to be able
• 1:07:48
  to surrender to sleep. So we have to start sometimes
• 1:07:52
  two hours ahead of time in order to be able to be asleep when we
• 1:07:56
  want to be asleep. So start with what do you want
• 1:08:00
  to be? What are your highest values?
• 1:08:02
  What are you the happiest and and even checking if you're in a
• 1:08:08
  relationship? What are the ways of being that
• 1:08:10
  you love about me the most? What how do you need me to be?
• 1:08:15
  They need you to be a particular way.
• 1:08:18
  You have a son and two daughters.
• 1:08:21
  Two sons and a daughter. Two sons and a daughter, Two
• 1:08:23
  sons and a daughter. Your sons need you to be
• 1:08:26
  particular ways and it may not be the same.
• 1:08:29
  One may need you to be patient and other needs you to be
• 1:08:31
  playful. One may need you, may need you
• 1:08:34
  to be engaged with them, and the other one needs you to just be
• 1:08:39
  OK with how I am. Respect them.
• 1:08:41
  Yes, I well, actually, I, I know we're going a lot of different
• 1:08:43
  directions here, but it's all fascinating.
• 1:08:45
  So thanks for rolling with, with me.
• 1:08:48
  But I, you know, this morning, actually, I was, I was convicted
• 1:08:51
  reading your book and, and reflecting on part of your book
• 1:08:54
  with an interaction I had with my son and I've made him
• 1:08:57
  pancakes and well, all my kids made them pancakes.
• 1:09:00
  Anyways, I'm he is so hungry, this little guy, he's so hungry
• 1:09:04
  in the morning, he's growing, he's 3.
• 1:09:06
  And so he's sitting at the table and he's already starting to
• 1:09:08
  pick off part of the pancake with his fork.
• 1:09:10
  And he also is proud that he knows how to use his fork and
• 1:09:12
  does his own pancake. And I said, we're going to say
• 1:09:15
  prayers. We're going to say prayers.
• 1:09:16
  And he's ignoring me because he's he's not a girl, he's a
• 1:09:19
  boy. He's very locked in.
• 1:09:21
  And so I said, I said, Leo, we're, we're going to pray
• 1:09:24
  first. We're going to pray, we're going
• 1:09:25
  to pray, we're going to pray. Ignore me.
• 1:09:27
  So I just took the fork from his hand and then I prayed and he's
• 1:09:31
  starting to get upset. We, we pray and then he just,
• 1:09:34
  and then I take the fork, another fork and a knife and I
• 1:09:36
  just cut his pancake. And I, I, I just talk about
• 1:09:40
  emasculating my son because what happened is he burst into tears.
• 1:09:44
  He or, you know, I don't know if he was straight up crying, but
• 1:09:46
  he was very upset, went into the, to the garage to sulk.
• 1:09:50
  And I realized that yes, of course he needs to pray before
• 1:09:53
  his meal. And that's a boundary that I do
• 1:09:55
  want to, you know, help our kids respect because we're, we get
• 1:09:58
  our food from God. God is everything but the way
• 1:10:00
  that I did it and the way that I rushed him, and then the way
• 1:10:04
  that I cut his pancake without being aware that he wanted to
• 1:10:07
  cut his own pancake. And that's a big deal.
• 1:10:10
  Yes. And so, so, you know, it just
• 1:10:13
  was very kind of striking to me because I was thinking about the
• 1:10:16
  part of your Queen's code about emasculation and I think you had
• 1:10:19
  a part in there. I'm going to see if I can, if I
• 1:10:21
  save this about actually even children like you can emasculate
• 1:10:25
  your young children like your sons.
• 1:10:27
  I need to say specifically, obviously.
• 1:10:30
  A young mother roughly forced her son back into the child's
• 1:10:32
  seat at the shop And start saying why can't you sit still
• 1:10:34
  like your sister? When the woman turned away,
• 1:10:37
  Kimberly saw the young boy angrily pinch his baby sister.
• 1:10:42
  The comparison is diminishing, which is a One of the
• 1:10:47
  definitions of emasculation is to diminish the ability to
• 1:10:51
  produce results, so. And expecting something
• 1:10:54
  unreasonable in that moment. Absolutely.
• 1:10:57
  And then they're wrong for it. Now, can I propose something for
• 1:11:02
  you? Yes, of course.
• 1:11:04
  So, well, I'm going to give you a bit of information and you'll
• 1:11:07
  invent it yourself. So men and women relate to their
• 1:11:11
  needs very differently because of single focus.
• 1:11:16
  And I fuse awareness. So because of this awareness
• 1:11:20
  like literally spread in every direction, we'll notice we're
• 1:11:23
  hungry. Oh, I'm getting hungry.
• 1:11:26
  And then we keep responding to something into the environment,
• 1:11:31
  whether we're cleaning or keeping the children safe or
• 1:11:34
  whatever it is that we're doing. We'll keep responding.
• 1:11:37
  Oh, oh, I'm hungry and we'll keep responding.
• 1:11:40
  And it's finally like, Oh my gosh, I'm starving.
• 1:11:43
  And we're over the sink stuffing something in our face, but we've
• 1:11:47
  been aware of it coming on the whole time.
• 1:11:51
  Men aren't built that way. This single focus.
• 1:11:55
  They're focused, they're focused, they're focused,
• 1:11:57
  they're focused, they're focused.
• 1:11:58
  They call it the breaking point. It's not until the breaking
• 1:12:02
  point. And a way to think of it is it's
• 1:12:04
  literally the breaking through point.
• 1:12:07
  So the hunger arises above the surface of the ocean and it just
• 1:12:13
  like and they they can't think about anything else and they're
• 1:12:20
  angry that this thing is keeping them from producing what they
• 1:12:25
  wanted to produce. It's interrupted everything.
• 1:12:28
  And so This is why. And on top of that, she cut my
• 1:12:32
  pancake. I can't insult to injury.
• 1:12:35
  I apologize to him for that, but.
• 1:12:37
  Thing this yes, this self-sufficiency that I'm so
• 1:12:40
  proud of. She treated me like like like I
• 1:12:43
  can't do it And and they and this is really important.
• 1:12:48
  I mean there's a hungry man dinner advertisement that makes
• 1:12:51
  me want to puke. He's eating his Hungry Man
• 1:12:54
  dinner and she reaches over the napkin and wipes the side of his
• 1:13:00
  face in a commercial and I'm like.
• 1:13:04
  He. Can handle his own face but what
• 1:13:08
  I'd like to propose to you since your son hunger is going to come
• 1:13:16
  on so intensely and he's not going to be able to think about
• 1:13:21
  anything else and now he's got this fork and he's going to make
• 1:13:23
  this happen but I just would like to give you the possibility
• 1:13:27
  like for women who are making a great meal and then he comes in
• 1:13:30
  and he starts eating cheez its and then you're like all this
• 1:13:33
  effort and you're ruining your appetite if you want credit make
• 1:13:38
  the appetizer that's the thing to curb the hunger while the
• 1:13:41
  rest is being done and I made that for you too.
• 1:13:44
  It could be with your kids and you get to invent this.
• 1:13:48
  You could make something up. It's like it's the it's the pre
• 1:13:53
  prayer, it's the kitchen prayer. Who's hungry?
• 1:13:56
  I'm hungry. OK, let's gather in the kitchen
• 1:14:00
  and wherever you invent to do it, that's congruent for you
• 1:14:04
  that there's a way to have the prayer and not have people
• 1:14:10
  breaking down. I think the, the typical
• 1:14:14
  morning, because this is a Saturday, we're, we're talking
• 1:14:16
  right now, the typical morning is it's a cereal, it's oatmeal.
• 1:14:19
  It's a quick thing. Yes, I was doing pancakes,
• 1:14:22
  right. A little more slow, a gift for
• 1:14:25
  me. And of course I didn't, you
• 1:14:29
  know, I should have anticipated. He's usually already eaten by
• 1:14:32
  now. It was 1/2 an hour later and So
• 1:14:34
  what he needed was a snack. He needed a banana.
• 1:14:37
  He needed something as soon, but I you know, he was a little late
• 1:14:39
  coming downstairs. And so, but to your point,
• 1:14:41
  whether it's the prepare prayer or the pre snack, I love that
• 1:14:44
  the appetizer because that does happen with dinner.
• 1:14:46
  My husband will start having like chips and Hummels.
• 1:14:49
  I'm like the food's ready in 2 minutes, you know, can't wait 2
• 1:14:52
  minutes, but but preparing that intentionally.
• 1:14:56
  Yes. Like the intention behind it can
• 1:14:59
  just make the harmony so much sweeter.
• 1:15:01
  Oh my gosh, it's, it's a small adjustment.
• 1:15:05
  It's a small adjustment to understand they're at the
• 1:15:09
  breaking point. He didn't fall asleep on you
• 1:15:13
  because you're boring. He was at the breaking point of
• 1:15:16
  tired. And that's why they just,
• 1:15:20
  they're out. They feel safe everywhere so
• 1:15:23
  they can fall asleep everywhere. They can just fall asleep.
• 1:15:27
  No, we got to have our place, that we feel safe, that it's OK
• 1:15:30
  to let go of awareness. So yes.
• 1:15:36
  So it's understanding men and ourselves and themselves
• 1:15:41
  accepting, yeah, and not trying to change the things that are
• 1:15:46
  different from us. This is real.
• 1:15:48
  How do we work with it? We just practiced that if we
• 1:15:54
  were listening with the question instead of is that true for me?
• 1:15:58
  Or what do I think about? Do I agree with that?
• 1:16:00
  If we were listening with what's true for them or the question,
• 1:16:04
  what's real for them, What's real for them?
• 1:16:06
  And just really looking, reaching what's real for them.
• 1:16:10
  Oh, that's what's real for them. OK, so now what do we do?
• 1:16:16
  How do we interact with that's real for them and this is real
• 1:16:19
  for me. How do we both get what we most
• 1:16:24
  need? We mean we'll never get
• 1:16:26
  everything we want or need. And we pay too much attention to
• 1:16:29
  preferences. We're just doomed.
• 1:16:33
  Difference between a need, which gives you something valuable,
• 1:16:36
  versus a preference, which is just like, oh, lovely to have
• 1:16:39
  one's preferences. It was so lovely that you had
• 1:16:43
  bubbly water for me. Bubbly flavored water.
• 1:16:45
  Yay, your preference. But what we need, we have to
• 1:16:48
  focus on what are the most important things that we need
• 1:16:51
  and how we know it's most important is by what we want to
• 1:16:54
  be. What are the needs?
• 1:16:57
  What it what has me feel patient, what has me feel
• 1:17:01
  compassionate, what has me feel joy.
• 1:17:03
  Those are the needs. If those are the things that we
• 1:17:06
  want to be and it can be applied to anything.
• 1:17:08
  And men have used this methodology, women have used
• 1:17:12
  this methodology started developing in 1997, and it came
• 1:17:17
  from when I started, and a lot of women are like this.
• 1:17:21
  I think this is worth talking about.
• 1:17:23
  I thought men either didn't care about what I needed or were
• 1:17:26
  purposefully withholding it. Then one of the first things
• 1:17:30
  that I learned and listening to them is they care very much
• 1:17:34
  about what we need. Very much.
• 1:17:37
  They care about what we need subject to the effects of
• 1:17:42
  attraction. If we're leading with the
• 1:17:44
  physical, that puts them in a take mode.
• 1:17:48
  They don't care about what we need.
• 1:17:50
  They're trying to get what they need.
• 1:17:51
  So but if we're being fully ourselves, self confident,
• 1:17:57
  passionate, receptive, authentic, those are the top 4
• 1:18:01
  qualities that have men fall in love with women, want to take
• 1:18:04
  care of women, want to look out for what they need, want to
• 1:18:07
  contribute to them in some way. I mean those those are the
• 1:18:10
  things if we lead with it's called making sense of men.
• 1:18:13
  It's a little tiny book. And so I found out they very
• 1:18:19
  much want me to have what I need.
• 1:18:22
  If I'm not attacking them, then they can be focused on paying
• 1:18:26
  attention and giving me what I need.
• 1:18:30
  But like, we project what we need onto men.
• 1:18:35
  Men project what they need onto US.
• 1:18:40
  So they'll, I call it decide and provide.
• 1:18:43
  And both men and women do it. We decide what other people need
• 1:18:48
  and then we provide it and we expect them to appreciate it.
• 1:18:52
  We don't have an idea of what we think they need.
• 1:18:58
  Then verify with them. And the words, these are the
• 1:19:03
  best words. I found that work.
• 1:19:05
  It seems like you could say to your son, it seems like you need
• 1:19:12
  to eat by when it's a 3 when it's a 7 when he's.
• 1:19:18
  Three, he'll just as soon as he wakes up.
• 1:19:20
  He needs 8 soon as yeah. It seems like honey, do you need
• 1:19:24
  to eat as soon as you wake up? Yeah.
• 1:19:28
  There's a version of duh at every age.
• 1:19:30
  Right? OK, what can we do about that?
• 1:19:35
  If you had a snack as soon as you woke up, could you wait for
• 1:19:38
  the Saturday morning special breakfast?
• 1:19:44
  That would have been the way to go this morning for sure.
• 1:19:47
  Yeah, so I, I had Sunday morning special breakfast as I know what
• 1:19:52
  it's like. It's a whole production.
• 1:19:53
  It's an it's a gift. It's I love you.
• 1:19:56
  I love you. I love you so.
• 1:19:58
  Oh, my goodness. So I found out that they want us
• 1:20:03
  to have what we need. They're trying to give us what
• 1:20:05
  we need. It's a good thing for women to
• 1:20:07
  think, what is he trying to give to me?
• 1:20:09
  What is he trying to give to me? I think my husband's so selfish.
• 1:20:12
  Well, what is he trying to give to me?
• 1:20:13
  Those are the things he's decided you need.
• 1:20:16
  Well, but like us, they don't check to see do you need this?
• 1:20:21
  And is and it is this need more important than this other one?
• 1:20:25
  And it might be actually, there's a third that's so much
• 1:20:28
  more important than both of those.
• 1:20:30
  If you would give me this. Really.
• 1:20:34
  No. Yes, honey, This is why.
• 1:20:38
  This is what it would provide for me.
• 1:20:39
  This is who I could be if you did that.
• 1:20:47
  No, they're always, they're shocked.
• 1:20:49
  They're shocked by what we need, and we're shocked by what they
• 1:20:51
  need when we're willing to listen for what's true for them,
• 1:20:55
  what's real for them, and miracles happen right there.
• 1:21:00
  There's just falls out. And so when I started with I
• 1:21:04
  want to be patient, so I need this.
• 1:21:07
  Then I didn't have a plan to educate my children.
• 1:21:10
  It just happened in life and I was stunned by the response, how
• 1:21:17
  much they wanted me to have what I needed.
• 1:21:22
  We just had on a lovely woman named Mary Stanford who talked
• 1:21:25
  about the submission paradox and what that dynamic looks like in
• 1:21:29
  marriage. But she was describing this very
• 1:21:31
  thing that you're speaking about, which is, you know, she
• 1:21:34
  was, I think she said she was throwing a party or in an an
• 1:21:36
  example of a woman who was throwing a party with her
• 1:21:38
  husband. There was so much to do.
• 1:21:41
  She had told him all these things that needed to be done.
• 1:21:43
  All of a sudden he disappears into the garage and is like
• 1:21:45
  tidying the garage and she has like 10 other things and she
• 1:21:48
  storms. What are we doing?
• 1:21:49
  Like we they're coming in an hour.
• 1:21:51
  Can you please? And he thought he was being
• 1:21:53
  helpful and he was on the one track, you know, and it was that
• 1:21:58
  it was a little disruptive. It's like, oh, and she's not
• 1:21:59
  pleased. And and again, it could have
• 1:22:02
  been prevented with the the steps of communication that you
• 1:22:06
  were alluding to earlier, the steps of making these needs
• 1:22:09
  known and then helping the man come to an understanding of, you
• 1:22:14
  know, the shared clarity. But there's a process there.
• 1:22:19
  There's a process and there's a problem right at the beginning.
• 1:22:22
  Beginning Lila What it What is the other person's learning
• 1:22:31
  language? My sister-in-law was furious at
• 1:22:36
  my brother for years because she'd tell him something that
• 1:22:39
  needed to be done and he'd say he would, and then he'd forget.
• 1:22:46
  And she was so mad. She was so mad.
• 1:22:51
  And then she noticed, and this took years to notice, but they
• 1:22:56
  have a passel of kids. So she was her attention was
• 1:22:59
  elsewhere. How many times he pulled the
• 1:23:01
  slip of paper out of his pocket and looked at it during the day.
• 1:23:05
  They ran a farm together. They still do.
• 1:23:08
  Look at his list. Look at and.
• 1:23:11
  And when did she went? Could I get on that list,
• 1:23:15
  something I need? Could I get on this?
• 1:23:16
  He was like, yeah, sure changed everything.
• 1:23:23
  What she asked him for that he used to forget about.
• 1:23:26
  Instead they put it on his little crumpled sleep piece of
• 1:23:30
  paper and all of a sudden it was getting done and getting done
• 1:23:33
  and getting done. Just because she discovered what
• 1:23:37
  worked for his mind, right? He needs the list.
• 1:23:41
  Dan needs the text. What is your man need?
• 1:23:46
  So like for the party? A list in order of priority,
• 1:23:50
  like if we run out of time, what's the extra time list?
• 1:23:54
  These are the these are the the things that would make it extra
• 1:23:58
  special. What's absolutely necessary
• 1:24:00
  list. Oh, OK, start at the top.
• 1:24:05
  But then you're going to run into when you partner with a
• 1:24:08
  man, a man will say, how can I help?
• 1:24:12
  But they don't know, as most women think, how can you help?
• 1:24:18
  Is there anything you can do the way I want it done?
• 1:24:21
  No, no, no, there's nothing you can do.
• 1:24:27
  I have to do it all myself. And I'm like, so my husband and
• 1:24:32
  I, we invented this thing called certification.
• 1:24:37
  And, and he's like, I want to get certified in making you
• 1:24:40
  breakfast. OK?
• 1:24:45
  My breakfast was very complicated.
• 1:24:47
  He got certified in making it and he made it better than I
• 1:24:49
  did. Later on.
• 1:24:51
  He was like, I want to be certified in making your coffee.
• 1:24:55
  OK, Also very complicated. But he you can ask, I'd like to
• 1:25:01
  be certified in this so that you trust me.
• 1:25:04
  This is a way I can help you. There's probably a woman
• 1:25:08
  listening who's thinking what he's asking you for permission
• 1:25:14
  for how he can specifically do a task for you.
• 1:25:17
  And and even and you have a new characters in your book, this
• 1:25:21
  incredibly beautiful marriage of many, many years that is sort of
• 1:25:25
  the archetype couple and they have this partnership that's
• 1:25:27
  just mind blowing to everybody who's encounters it.
• 1:25:29
  So the women in the book are going on the journey to find out
• 1:25:32
  how did you build this partnership?
• 1:25:34
  And I I couldn't see it was modeled after your own
• 1:25:36
  experience, but what was she doing long before he asked her
• 1:25:42
  that question? And and this, I know we're going
• 1:25:45
  different places here, but this kind of goes back to that
• 1:25:47
  question of the woman who gets married.
• 1:25:49
  She her husband, if she feels like he's no longer dating or
• 1:25:52
  courting her, the romance is gone.
• 1:25:54
  He's he's so busy, he's just workaholic or he's just focused
• 1:25:58
  on other things. He's checked out.
• 1:26:00
  That's how she perceives him. That's how she's perceiving him.
• 1:26:02
  And you talked about the importance of a woman having
• 1:26:04
  vision for what she needed, her care for herself, peace, these
• 1:26:10
  qualities. OK, there's a missing
• 1:26:12
  ingredient. I'm so glad you brought it back
• 1:26:15
  again and again. It's like a post I get to keep
• 1:26:17
  going around. One of the short ways to say it
• 1:26:23
  is men play for points, Men play for points.
• 1:26:29
  They got a score, they got a win, they got to get the points
• 1:26:32
  on the board. They have a vision for their
• 1:26:34
  career where they want to get to and they're always trying to get
• 1:26:38
  to that. So if, for example, a man is
• 1:26:44
  always at work and never wanting to be home, he's getting a lot
• 1:26:49
  of acknowledgement at work, he's scoring a lot of points, he's
• 1:26:53
  being admired, It's respected. It occurs as worth it.
• 1:26:58
  Men will keep doing for other people what's appreciated.
• 1:27:05
  They need to be appreciated a lot, admiration and
• 1:27:10
  appreciation. It's their fuel.
• 1:27:13
  It's what makes what they do worth doing that what the result
• 1:27:18
  that what it caused for you. Oh my gosh, she is radiant and
• 1:27:24
  she gives me credit for that. Honey, thank you for letting me
• 1:27:27
  sleep in. You're welcome.
• 1:27:31
  And and so we have to so much, so much of what stops happening
• 1:27:38
  is because we expect them to do it.
• 1:27:42
  And so we think they don't deserve appreciation for doing
• 1:27:46
  something they just should do. So we don't appreciate them.
• 1:27:50
  Wow, we stopped saying thank you.
• 1:27:52
  We. And we stopped being thank you,
• 1:27:56
  honey, thank you. Thanks for doing that for me.
• 1:28:02
  And this is where we take so many things personally that
• 1:28:07
  aren't personal, like single focus, we take personally.
• 1:28:11
  He's ignoring me. No, he's doing everything but
• 1:28:14
  what he's doing. And he didn't have to do that.
• 1:28:17
  His brain did it for him. But so there's all these things
• 1:28:20
  we take personally and then there's the things we don't take
• 1:28:22
  personally that what they do for us, they do for us.
• 1:28:29
  What they do for your kids, what dads provide with their kids.
• 1:28:33
  Greg taught me this. He said, honey, you're I don't
• 1:28:37
  expect to be appreciated by the kids for a long time.
• 1:28:41
  Your appreciation is what I need.
• 1:28:44
  So my Father's Day card to him, he loved what the kids made him.
• 1:28:50
  But what my Father's Day card said to him, there's actually
• 1:28:55
  our last conversation before he died.
• 1:28:58
  It's about being a dad and knowing what I needed and being
• 1:29:02
  a mom. So it's anything, if you're
• 1:29:08
  like, he used to do this, you know, before we got engaged, he
• 1:29:12
  used to do this when we were dating in the beginning, he used
• 1:29:14
  to do this when we were this, he used to do this.
• 1:29:17
  Anything they used to do, they're able to do and they
• 1:29:20
  stopped doing it because it wasn't appreciated.
• 1:29:25
  It wasn't taken personally. We, we actually start to think,
• 1:29:28
  oh, that he likes to do that. Men don't care a lot about what
• 1:29:33
  they like to do or want to do. No, I don't want to load the
• 1:29:37
  dishwasher, will I? Yes, if it makes a difference
• 1:29:40
  for her and I don't have to load the dishwasher the way she loads
• 1:29:44
  the dishwasher, unless I'm certified.
• 1:29:49
  That's the tail end. Anything that you cause, like
• 1:29:53
  with what you're going to learn in the Queen's Code about how to
• 1:29:56
  tell a man what you need, it'll have it done once if it's not
• 1:30:02
  appreciated and it won't be done again.
• 1:30:06
  And that's one of the questions that we have to ask.
• 1:30:08
  And we actually have a program on it about it called the
• 1:30:11
  appreciation equation because each of us, we don't necessarily
• 1:30:17
  want to be appreciated the same way.
• 1:30:21
  What, what is appreciation? I call it a currency of
• 1:30:24
  appreciation. We don't all have the same
• 1:30:26
  currencies of appreciation like one of my currencies of
• 1:30:30
  appreciation. It's lovely how grateful people
• 1:30:34
  are of what they've learned from what I've learned.
• 1:30:37
  And I'm a messenger and this is my job to get this out.
• 1:30:41
  It's a big misunderstanding. We're not who you think we are,
• 1:30:48
  whether we're a man or a woman. I have to do that.
• 1:30:54
  My currency of appreciation is when someone does something with
• 1:30:57
  what they learned from me. That's when they tell me about
• 1:31:02
  that what this is what I did with what I learned from you.
• 1:31:07
  They're really telling me about how they were courageous, that
• 1:31:12
  they took a risk, they tried something different.
• 1:31:15
  And that's what moves me is, is that they were courageous enough
• 1:31:19
  to try that they were courageous enough to lay down the sword to
• 1:31:22
  stop justifying diminishing men and find out how to interact
• 1:31:26
  with them empowered. I gave it up when I saw how
• 1:31:31
  terrified I was of them and that I was stealing their power.
• 1:31:36
  And I realized I'd never know my own power as long as I was
• 1:31:39
  diminishing theirs. And I was like, OK, let's go.
• 1:31:44
  So appreciation is the the clarity in the beginning, the
• 1:31:49
  description, this is empowerment.
• 1:31:52
  The appreciation is the is the the thing that begins the cycle
• 1:31:56
  all over again. I call it providing, receiving,
• 1:31:58
  providing, receiving provider say it's a it's a stairway to
• 1:32:02
  heaven and we first provide the clarity and the difference it
• 1:32:06
  would make and the ask, would you give me this a real ask not
• 1:32:11
  why aren't you doing this? That's not an ask.
• 1:32:14
  People want to be asked, not told.
• 1:32:18
  We're the same that way. You have a scene in the Queen's
• 1:32:22
  Code where the a woman who's trying to learn how to not
• 1:32:27
  diminish and misunderstand and ultimately be at disharmony with
• 1:32:32
  men, she does this this sort of thought experiment or it's not a
• 1:32:36
  thought experiment. It's a behavioral experiment
• 1:32:38
  where she engages a man and in this case it's her boss, but
• 1:32:42
  then it's other men and just basically asks them to give
• 1:32:47
  their perspective on something and does not interrupt.
• 1:32:51
  And she becomes this very effective listener to understand
• 1:32:56
  men. Would you say that's the most
• 1:32:59
  important tool to understanding men is to literally ask them a
• 1:33:03
  question and just listen? And at maybe the time that is,
• 1:33:08
  you know, a good time for him as opposed to, you know, a time of
• 1:33:11
  her choosing that's maybe not convenient for him.
• 1:33:14
  Well, it is one of them. It's right up there and there's
• 1:33:19
  of course nuances. So we call it waiting for the
• 1:33:23
  well that men are naturally committal.
• 1:33:30
  So when you ask them a question, if they're going to answer it,
• 1:33:33
  they have committed to answering the question and they want to
• 1:33:36
  give you the best answer they can.
• 1:33:38
  So they're thinking about the answer.
• 1:33:41
  We've usually already interrupted twice by then.
• 1:33:45
  So if if you want to learn from men, whether it's something
• 1:33:52
  about the world or about a profession or skill or about who
• 1:33:55
  they are, ask questions, but only ask questions that you are
• 1:34:02
  committed to hearing about. You're committed to finding out
• 1:34:08
  what their response is, which might not be an answer might be
• 1:34:11
  a response to their question to the question.
• 1:34:14
  If don't just ask any old question in order to try to get
• 1:34:17
  a connection. That's what we normally do only
• 1:34:20
  ask real questions. We have a list in our
• 1:34:25
  understanding men course of 101 great questions to ask men and
• 1:34:30
  its way of getting to know them. But we didn't interrupt them.
• 1:34:34
  We'd write the questions down on three by 5 cards and they got to
• 1:34:37
  pick which ones they wanted to answer and they were not
• 1:34:39
  interrupted and. They picked out of the 101.
• 1:34:44
  Well, we. I count to maybe 10.
• 1:34:46
  Well, the 101 evolved from hundreds of questions that were
• 1:34:51
  submitted by women over the years in our workshops and then
• 1:34:55
  the ones that got the most interesting responses from our
• 1:34:58
  panels of men, they ended up in the 101 questions list.
• 1:35:03
  So don't ask a question you're not willing to wait for and then
• 1:35:09
  wait. We encourage counting to 30.
• 1:35:12
  Most men come in at about 1811 thousand two 1003 with if it's a
• 1:35:20
  feeling question. How do you feel about and you
• 1:35:25
  really want to know how they feel about it.
• 1:35:26
  I understand how you think about this, honey.
• 1:35:29
  How do you feel about it? That is so far down in the
• 1:35:34
  bottom of the well. You can get back to me in the
• 1:35:38
  next week or so if you need to. It might take that long for him
• 1:35:43
  to drill down that far. And so we've got to commit to it
• 1:35:50
  first. We've got to be willing to wait
• 1:35:53
  for how long it takes them to commit and go get that
• 1:35:56
  information for us. They tend to not talk off the
• 1:35:59
  top of their head. If they are talking at the top
• 1:36:01
  of their head, it's a neural pathway and you're going to hear
• 1:36:04
  the same thing over and over again.
• 1:36:07
  It's not, it's not purposeful, it's not conscious.
• 1:36:13
  And then and then listen and appreciate.
• 1:36:16
  And if you and what happens is you can't just listen.
• 1:36:20
  This is what our curse called Lux focuses on a lot.
• 1:36:24
  Because you might have noticed, I keep going like this.
• 1:36:27
  We have questions at the top of my head.
• 1:36:28
  Well, that's where that is for me.
• 1:36:29
  It might be over here for somebody else, but there are
• 1:36:33
  questions that are related to surviving, like what do I think
• 1:36:39
  about that? What do I know about that?
• 1:36:40
  What do I want to say about that?
• 1:36:42
  What does this have to do with me?
• 1:36:43
  What do you need from me? What's the point?
• 1:36:46
  What's the point? What's the point?
• 1:36:48
  That's what men are often. Is there a point?
• 1:36:50
  Are we getting to a point? They'll even interrupt and say
• 1:36:52
  that. Is there a point here?
• 1:36:54
  You can tell how people are listening by what they interrupt
• 1:36:57
  with. Well, what I know about that is,
• 1:37:00
  so most of the time you were talking, all they were wondering
• 1:37:03
  was, what do I know about that? What do I want to know about
• 1:37:05
  that? They didn't hear most of what
• 1:37:07
  you said. You just instigated a
• 1:37:09
  conversation. You provoked a conversation with
• 1:37:11
  themselves. So when you ask a question of a
• 1:37:15
  man, if you are not paying attention, you'll have it.
• 1:37:21
  Is that true with me, for me? Do I agree with that?
• 1:37:24
  What do I think about that? So what you'll glean from his
• 1:37:28
  answer may be a fraction of the wealth that's within it.
• 1:37:33
  If you're not. We call it listening to learn.
• 1:37:37
  And what do you want to learn about them?
• 1:37:40
  Are you listening with what matters to him?
• 1:37:44
  Treasure hunt. Oh my gosh, what's what's
• 1:37:48
  important to him? What does he care about?
• 1:37:52
  Those are three different ways to get to the heart of what
• 1:37:56
  causes a man to do what he does. Asking those questions, what is
• 1:38:01
  important to you? No, in your head.
• 1:38:05
  As he's talking, yeah, to try to mine the depths of what he's
• 1:38:09
  saying. How was your How is golf today?
• 1:38:14
  Wait, how can how was golf be a treasure hunt?
• 1:38:18
  Because he starts talking about his golf game and you're
• 1:38:20
  listening what matters to him. And all he's telling you is
• 1:38:25
  about the connections and interactions he had with his
• 1:38:28
  son. Oh, what matters to him?
• 1:38:30
  His interactions with the son, being with his son.
• 1:38:34
  That's why my relationship with my boyfriend.
• 1:38:38
  We know we make plans unless Trey calls because his children
• 1:38:43
  are his first priority. And I don't want to be his first
• 1:38:46
  priority. And I support him in connecting
• 1:38:48
  with his children. And if I listened it.
• 1:38:50
  So how was golf? He'll talk about his I didn't
• 1:38:55
  play very well, but Trey and I right.
• 1:38:59
  So it doesn't really matter what they're talking about.
• 1:39:02
  If you're listening, what matters to them?
• 1:39:05
  If you're listening, what are they?
• 1:39:07
  They can be really mad at you and you could listen.
• 1:39:10
  What does he care about? And you'll end up feeling loved.
• 1:39:14
  You'll end up feeling protected that it's coming from what he
• 1:39:17
  really cares about you. He's so mad at you for staying
• 1:39:20
  up late and now you're tired and no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 1:39:25
  What does he care? Oh, he cares about how I can be.
• 1:39:29
  Oh, well, that's great. He cares more about that than
• 1:39:31
  how pretty I look, that I have my makeup on right.
• 1:39:36
  So good. The emasculation crush, I want
• 1:39:39
  to bring that in one more time because we've sort of talked
• 1:39:43
  about so many elements there. All of this is so, you know,
• 1:39:46
  like you said, it's an onion and you can just pull back all of
• 1:39:48
  these layers. But what would you say are some
• 1:39:52
  of the key elements of emasculation that women may be
• 1:39:57
  doing that they don't realize that they're doing?
• 1:39:59
  If you could just give us maybe three things or you pick the
• 1:40:02
  number of this is this is what emasculation looks like and this
• 1:40:06
  is how we can avoid it. What can I give you 3
• 1:40:11
  categories? Yes, of course.
• 1:40:13
  So one category would be withholding.
• 1:40:17
  So this is when we're not reaching anymore, they're
• 1:40:20
  reaching and we're, uh, uh, so we will withhold attention, will
• 1:40:25
  withhold affection, we will hold withhold intimacy.
• 1:40:30
  We will withhold acknowledgement, we will
• 1:40:33
  withhold quality information. We're not telling them the
• 1:40:37
  truth. They are dealing with an they're
• 1:40:40
  spending their energy on an unreality because we did not
• 1:40:45
  tell them the truth. They're doing what they think is
• 1:40:48
  important to us because we didn't tell them.
• 1:40:52
  So we withhold. When in our workshops, we'd have
• 1:40:56
  women make lists. They'd shout out how they
• 1:40:59
  emasculated men. One woman said.
• 1:41:02
  I just don't feed them. I did that once.
• 1:41:07
  Physical food. I did that once in my first
• 1:41:09
  marriage. I knew we were out of milk.
• 1:41:12
  I knew my husband was going to come home starving and he eat a
• 1:41:16
  salad making bowl worth of cereal before he went to bed.
• 1:41:22
  And I know we didn't have any milk.
• 1:41:24
  And I was on my way home and I could have stopped to get milk.
• 1:41:26
  And I was like, I'm not going to.
• 1:41:32
  Yeah, I was at the vengeful part of that marriage.
• 1:41:36
  But we have our son when we both agreed he was worth the seven
• 1:41:40
  years of suffering anyhow. So withholding.
• 1:41:45
  Some women specialize in withholding.
• 1:41:48
  They withhold affection and attention, energy, admiration.
• 1:41:53
  It's a kind of green emasculation.
• 1:41:57
  It spends very little energy. I'm being economical and
• 1:42:02
  diminishing you at the same time.
• 1:42:03
  I'm just not giving you anything.
• 1:42:06
  That's the sadly one of them. The more overt ones would be
• 1:42:14
  criticizing comparing comparison is a huge way.
• 1:42:19
  Why can't you be like Susie's husband and it could be a
• 1:42:22
  favorable or unfavorable like oh God, you're just like your
• 1:42:26
  father. Just go straight in ignoring.
• 1:42:35
  Now we feel like we feel ignored by men, not because we don't
• 1:42:39
  know it's single focus they committed and they're all their
• 1:42:42
  attention is there. They they don't they don't
• 1:42:44
  actively ignore us unless that's all they're doing so because we
• 1:42:48
  feel ignored by men, we will ignore men, but they need our
• 1:42:53
  attention. They they need our
• 1:42:58
  acknowledgement. They need to us to see them just
• 1:43:02
  to we're at work and we're walking down the aisles and we
• 1:43:06
  just and we see somebody and we smile instead of just walking by
• 1:43:10
  as if they don't matter. Why should I acknowledge your
• 1:43:14
  presence? You don't matter now on the
• 1:43:17
  street. What men don't know is that
• 1:43:19
  women won't look them in the eye is because we're afraid they'll
• 1:43:21
  take it as an invitation. And that's too scary for us.
• 1:43:25
  But once I learned that I can pay very close attention to what
• 1:43:30
  I'm offering in an acknowledgement, and the only
• 1:43:34
  people I've ever had my admiration, my noticing, my
• 1:43:39
  smile taken wrong, there's only been two men in 30 years, and
• 1:43:43
  they were drunk. They're so sensitive to our
• 1:43:47
  energy. They're so sensitive to our
• 1:43:50
  invitation, which is again, why if we're leading with
• 1:43:57
  physicality, with sexuality, they interpret that as an
• 1:44:00
  invitation. And too many women think it's my
• 1:44:03
  right to be that way. Well, OK, you can be that way.
• 1:44:10
  It's your right to be that way. And are you ever going to do
• 1:44:15
  what will give you a different result if you're going to be
• 1:44:18
  that way? This is what will happen.
• 1:44:22
  It actually puts men in take mode.
• 1:44:24
  They have the most primitive, instinctual reaction to us being
• 1:44:28
  that way. And then we think that's who
• 1:44:29
  they are. No, you walk around in your joy,
• 1:44:34
  in your glow, in your contentment, in your momness.
• 1:44:38
  Do you know that's a privilege to be a mom, which is how I've
• 1:44:42
  always related to it. It's a privilege.
• 1:44:44
  You walk around in that. That's what's being responded
• 1:44:47
  to. They want to take care of you.
• 1:44:49
  They want to help you. Can I carry that for you?
• 1:44:52
  You've got these 3 little tikes. Could I push the cart for you?
• 1:44:57
  Really. You do that please instead of I
• 1:44:59
  can do it myself, of course you can do it yourself.
• 1:45:04
  It's another way we misinterpret them.
• 1:45:05
  We think they offer because they think we can't do it.
• 1:45:11
  Yes, I could go on and on and on and on.
• 1:45:14
  It's why we have 200 hours of videos.
• 1:45:17
  Amazing. On our site.
• 1:45:18
  But it's it's such good news, Layla, who men really are and
• 1:45:24
  who we are for them. I thought when I started
• 1:45:29
  listening to them, they'd want to talk about sports and work.
• 1:45:35
  No, they wanted to talk about women and love and how to take
• 1:45:39
  care of women. And so what's this?
• 1:45:46
  What's this thing about sex? Utter confusion and and I found
• 1:45:53
  out how amazing women are from listening to men talk about
• 1:45:56
  women because they they'd be talking about how his name is
• 1:46:02
  Brooke, he said. Allison, this is what you have
• 1:46:06
  to understand. Women are the unicorns in the
• 1:46:10
  forest. What this is this macho sports
• 1:46:17
  guy, really cool, really handsome, and he's telling me
• 1:46:22
  this. I'm like, disconnect,
• 1:46:24
  disconnect, disconnect. And like what he was If a
• 1:46:27
  Unicorn let you do something for them, would you be honored?
• 1:46:38
  Yes, or 11 husband. It's it's in the Queen's code.
• 1:46:44
  I want to do everything for my wife that I can do so that she
• 1:46:50
  can be everything that I can never be.
• 1:46:55
  Wow. The queen, the Queen, another
• 1:47:00
  man said. I don't this is early, early on,
• 1:47:03
  husband, he said. I don't get this thing about
• 1:47:07
  equality that women's equality and are working so hard to be
• 1:47:12
  equal and I don't understand. And I started to react and then
• 1:47:16
  he said seems like a step down for them.
• 1:47:23
  Why would you want to take a step down?
• 1:47:28
  We have we have you on a pedestal for a reason.
• 1:47:31
  It's clear to us. Oh.
• 1:47:38
  And how much happier we are when we're working in tandem.
• 1:47:43
  Not as we're the same. Equal partners were the same.
• 1:47:47
  Everything you can do, I can do better that.
• 1:47:50
  My mother was dancing around the kitchen singing that, and I
• 1:47:53
  thought, oh, OK, so I'm supposed to.
• 1:47:57
  I'm a woman. I've got to have a man, got to
• 1:48:00
  have one. And the better man the better my
• 1:48:04
  getting him is. But never need anything from
• 1:48:08
  him. I never really know him.
• 1:48:12
  Never. Really.
• 1:48:13
  Yeah. I was never taught that they
• 1:48:15
  were good to get to know. Allison, so much good stuff.
• 1:48:21
  And I'm I'm dying to a big shout out to Ellen because I know you
• 1:48:24
  sat down with her husband and I kind of wish my husband was here
• 1:48:28
  to give his perspective on what you're saying and ask his own
• 1:48:32
  questions and have that dialogue.
• 1:48:34
  But I'm sure that conversation was amazing.
• 1:48:36
  How can people find your beautiful work?
• 1:48:40
  Everything I've published since 2006 is on our website,
• 1:48:45
  allisonarmstrong.com. The stuff before that is on
• 1:48:48
  Audible and Amazon and Kindle and stuff like that.
• 1:48:52
  But all all the stuff in the last 20 years is on our website
• 1:48:57
  and there's one off things if someone wants to just dip their
• 1:49:02
  toe in. And we also have a formal
• 1:49:06
  curriculum, 3 different levels, a 100 plus hours with it, videos
• 1:49:14
  and things that go together. It's like a prescription.
• 1:49:18
  I interact. I spent about 10 hours a month
• 1:49:21
  answering questions for people who are going through our
• 1:49:23
  curriculum, which is a joy for me to get to do that and help
• 1:49:28
  them implement, right? It's all about modeling and
• 1:49:32
  implementing. Some people want to consume my
• 1:49:35
  information, and I mean, everything we consume goes in
• 1:49:39
  one end and comes out the other. No implement, use it, Be brave,
• 1:49:45
  try something, try again, ask for feedback.
• 1:49:49
  Could I have done that better? Or like Karen and Kimberly in
• 1:49:54
  the Queen's code, they go, she goes and asks her husband how am
• 1:49:59
  I emasculating you? Best place to start?
• 1:50:04
  If you want to know, ask them. And boy, talk about something.
• 1:50:07
  That takes courage. Honey, what do I do that
• 1:50:10
  diminishes you? Put your big girl panties on.
• 1:50:16
  And a notebook. Take a cup of tea and sit for a
• 1:50:20
  while. Hopefully not too long, but.
• 1:50:22
  Hopefully not too long, but I mean, what's extraordinary, and
• 1:50:24
  this is what I like to leave women with, is we emasculate
• 1:50:31
  men. We diminish men a lot in
• 1:50:35
  relationships, on the street, at work, and yet they keep choosing
• 1:50:41
  us. They keep wanting one of us.
• 1:50:46
  It's doesn't emasculate me too much.
• 1:50:51
  They know they expect it, but who are we then that were worth
• 1:50:59
  that? Who would you keep around who
• 1:51:03
  still from time to time or maybe everyday diminished you?
• 1:51:07
  What qualities in them would have you still want to be with
• 1:51:11
  them? We underestimate ourselves so
• 1:51:16
  much and I I learned about the magnificence of women from Learn
• 1:51:22
  Listening to men. So last thing I expected to hear
• 1:51:27
  about, They're in awe of us. Amazing.
• 1:51:35
  So much good food for thought. Thank you Allison, thank you for
• 1:51:39
  caring so much. You're welcome about harmony
• 1:51:41
  between the sexes. It's very beautiful and I think
• 1:51:45
  it is towards that end goal that you have of every man, woman and
• 1:51:49
  child, all of the material needs met and then loved and
• 1:51:53
  respected. Loved and respected.
• 1:51:57
  Yep. Even when we are failing at
• 1:52:00
  those things, if we're we're, if where we're coming from is love
• 1:52:05
  and respect it, it'll, it'll start to feel like heaven.
• 1:52:10
  I love how. This is how it's supposed to be.
• 1:52:12
  It is what heaven is like. Perfect love.
• 1:52:15
  Yes. Thank you, Allison.
• 1:52:17
  This is so fun. Thank you for what you do.
• 1:52:21
  Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Lila Rose
• 1:52:23
  Show. Please subscribe.
• 1:52:24
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• 1:52:28
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• 1:52:30
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