Latest / The Virtual Couch / Does a Partner's Sadness Cast a Shadow on Your Joy Over Time?
Transcript
- 0:00So this past weekend, I flew back east and I spoke at a funeral for an uncle of mine in Tennessee.
- 0:05And rest in peace, Uncle Donnie, because you will absolutely be missed.
- 0:09But it was also a wonderful opportunity to reconnect with my Tennessee kinfolk.
- 0:13And even though I was only there for a couple of days, I did start saying things
- 0:16like fixin' to and y'all.
- 0:18And I felt like I was able to channel my old accent and refer to my very own
- 0:23wife, who wasn't there but was there through FaceTime, as weendy.
- 0:27And I reckoned things and stink bugs were sighted and a stuffed possum was viewed.
- 0:33And when talking about my waking up to narcissism, it was recommended that I
- 0:36use the phrase that the rooster thinks that the sun comes up just to hear him
- 0:40crow. And I didn't give that one enough justice.
- 0:42But on one simple exchange with my Aunt Pam, whose husband, my Uncle Leon,
- 0:46my father's twin brother, who happened to be a professional storyteller,
- 0:49I might add, was showing me a picture of her and my Uncle Leon.
- 0:52And she said that she felt like over time, they pert
- 0:55near started to look like brother and sister to which
- 0:59admittedly i tried to get the eye of my almost 20 year old son jake
- 1:02so that i could have some validation that i was going to pass on that
- 1:04wide open shot but only to say that you often
- 1:07hear that romantic partners over time tend to become similar in several ways
- 1:12and according to an article from no more than a day or two ago called can an
- 1:18unhappy partner erode your happiness over time with a subtitle of New Research
- 1:23Explores Well-Being Contagion Between Partners by Dr.
- 1:27Gwendolyn Seidemann, romantic partners tend to have similar attitudes,
- 1:31personality traits, and even similar levels of physical attractiveness.
- 1:36Yes, that was a little bit of a stretch of an opening, but it's what came to
- 1:38mind. But she also said that they were also similar in how happy they are.
- 1:43Which brings up the question, is this just a case of June bugs of a feather flocking together?
- 1:49Meaning that if If happy people are attracted to other happy people and that
- 1:53misery is something that perhaps truly does love company and therefore can be
- 1:57the tie that binds the relationship.
- 2:00So we're going to talk about overall what kind of an influence do you have with
- 2:04your partner and especially what's that influence over your partner's happiness.
- 2:07We're going to talk about that and so much more coming up on today's episode of The Virtual Couch.
- 2:11Music.
- 2:32Hey, everybody. Welcome to episode 405 of The Virtual Couch. I'm your host.
- 2:36That's what I am. I'm your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family
- 2:38therapist, certified mindful habit coach, and host of the Waking Up to Narcissism
- 2:42podcast, premium edition, Love ADHD, Murder on the Couch, The Mind,
- 2:46the Mirror, and Me, and just loving all things podcast.
- 2:49Can't lie. And I hope that you are having an amazing, wonderful holiday season.
- 2:54And we're going to talk today about the influence that we have on other people,
- 2:59especially our partner.
- 3:00And this This is a little bit ironic because there's a couple's book about acceptance
- 3:05and commitment therapy, which is my favorite.
- 3:07And it's called Act With Love by Russ Harris, one of my favorite acceptance
- 3:11and commitment therapy authors.
- 3:13And there is a part in the book where he talks about the concept of influence.
- 3:18Because I will go big with we can't have love and control in an adult relationship, one or the other.
- 3:25But I like when he talks about this concept of influence. Because often when
- 3:29we're just over here being and doing and finding ourselves and not needing validation
- 3:33and becoming differentiated and all those wonderful things, then we still want
- 3:37to have these shared experiences with our partner.
- 3:39And so in the Act With Love book, it does talk about influence.
- 3:43I have a little bit of an episode on that that's recorded for another day and
- 3:47where we're going to talk about the acceptance and commitment therapy couples model.
- 3:51We're going to talk about the four pillars based off of Sue Johnson's emotionally focused therapy.
- 3:55And we're going to talk about David Schnarch's The Crucible approach.
- 3:58There are so many things that I want to get to that I've been writing about
- 4:00there. So just a little sneak preview. That'll be all things marriage.
- 4:04But today, speaking of marriage, sign up for the newsletter because the updated
- 4:08Magnetic Marriage course is pretty phenomenal. And it's that old story.
- 4:13It's so close. It's so close. But I promise if you sign up for the newsletter, you will find out.
- 4:17You'll be one of the first people to know when it actually hits the ground and
- 4:21the people that are going to get there first are going to have a little bit
- 4:24of an incentive to do so. We'll put it that way.
- 4:26So back to this article by Dr. Gwendolyn Seidemann.
- 4:30The article is called, Can an Unhappy Partner Erode Your Happiness Over Time?
- 4:36Because I think that's the bigger question, that if you have one person who
- 4:39it seems like is more optimistic and just more doing, maybe even doing their
- 4:44own work, their own mental health work,
- 4:46they're going to therapy, they're reading the self-help books,
- 4:48and then you've got another partner that is finding themselves more and more
- 4:52frustrated or down or sad or feels like they lack control as their kids get
- 4:57older or they are losing their sense of purpose,
- 4:59then does that overly kind and optimistic person bring the other person up from
- 5:05the depths and then they ride off into the sunset together?
- 5:08Or does the person that is feeling overwhelmed and negative,
- 5:11maybe more critical, do they pull that person that is optimistic down into their level of happiness?
- 5:19Which brings up the question, as if birds of a feather flock together,
- 5:22are happy people attracted to other happy people?
- 5:25And does misery truly love company? And then that becomes the tie that binds the relationship.
- 5:31But Dr. Gwendolyn shares that research has shown that this similarity tends
- 5:36to increase over time, whatever that similarity is, meaning that people have
- 5:41the potential to grow even happier together or sadder or angrier.
- 5:45And this could be because both people in the relationship experience similar
- 5:49life events and that affects their happiness.
- 5:51But what researchers started to look at was another very intriguing possibility
- 5:57that partners could have more of an influence on each other and their levels of happiness.
- 6:03Meaning, pretty simply put, that happiness or unhappiness could be contagious.
- 6:09And more importantly, if that is the case, which partner in the relationship
- 6:13is more likely to influence the other? And is that influence going to be for good or not?
- 6:17Not as good. New research by Olga Strovra.
- 6:20That's take five. I don't know how many of these have been edited out.
- 6:23We'll try another one. New research by Olga Strovra and William Chopik,
- 6:30published in the journal Social, Psychological, and Personality Science,
- 6:34explores well-being contagion within couples.
- 6:37And I think it's pretty important to note the word contagion here refers to
- 6:42the phenomenon where emotional states, in this case, well-being,
- 6:46are transferred or spread from one person to another.
- 6:50Kind of similar to how a biological contagion, like a virus,
- 6:53can be passed between individuals.
- 6:55An emotional contagion suggests that feelings or moods can also be caught or
- 7:00influenced by those that we interact with, especially in close relationships
- 7:04like romantic partnerships.
- 7:05So in this context, well-being contagion means the transmission or spread of
- 7:10well-being or happiness, and as we're going to keep talking about,
- 7:13potentially unhappiness between partners in a couple's relationship.
- 7:17Relationship so how how do partners influence
- 7:20each other's happiness have you ever heard of somebody being a
- 7:24bucket dipper as opposed to a bucket filler
- 7:27or how about the concept of an emotional vampire which is one of my favorites
- 7:31not even looking for a laugh with that because i know it's a metaphorical term
- 7:35that sometimes people use to describe a person who tends to be a drain on the
- 7:40emotional energy of others you know they in essence suck the fun or suck the
- 7:43life out out of another person or an entire situation.
- 7:45So an emotional vampire in this context might be somebody who either consciously
- 7:49or unconsciously dominates interactions with negative emotions,
- 7:52complaints, pessimism, or any kind of drama.
- 7:56And that kind of behavior can have a significant impact on the emotional state
- 8:00of their partner or those around them.
- 8:02So just as happiness or well-being can be contagious in a relationship,
- 8:06then you can start to see where negativity and unhappiness
- 8:09can be as well because if you have this we'll
- 8:12do a quick tangent here but if if you're in a relationship where one
- 8:14partner is more of this bucket dipper or an emotional vampire
- 8:17you might find that there is the negative emotional
- 8:21influence you know that emotional vampire often imposes their negative feelings
- 8:24and moods on their partner which leads to a decrease in the partner's overall
- 8:28happiness and satisfaction and there is a a tangible energy drain because interactions
- 8:33with this person playing the role as an emotional vampire can can leave the
- 8:37other person feeling exhausted,
- 8:39less enthusiastic about activities than they usually enjoy because they already
- 8:42start to create this relationship or relational frame that when they bring up
- 8:47something, it's going to be met with a, here are all the negative things about
- 8:50that activity or that person or whatever the event is.
- 8:53And it really does lead to this imbalance in emotional exchange because when
- 8:57you have one person that is more emotionally draining, they require a lot of emotional support.
- 9:03They rarely, if ever, reciprocate. So that starts to feel really one-sided so
- 9:08that the one person in the relationship starts to lose their sense of self and
- 9:11they start to then feel like their job is to manage the emotions of the emotional vampire.
- 9:17And it can absolutely have an impact on things like fun and enjoyment because
- 9:21the bucket dipper, the emotional vampire.
- 9:24Most likely is going to consistently bring down the mood in situations that
- 9:28are meant to be be enjoyable or relaxing, literally kind of sucking that fun out of these moments.
- 9:32Probably not literal, but figuratively sucking the fun out of those moments.
- 9:36And normally, it would be the goal then to explore the behaviors that have led
- 9:40to somebody expressing those life-sucking behaviors.
- 9:44You know, well, let's go back and let's understand the reasons behind such behavior.
- 9:47Is it personality traits? Is their past experiences, their current stressors? Is it their childhood?
- 9:52And can we use those to address the issues and maybe improve the relationship's
- 9:58health? Most likely, yes.
- 10:00The couples therapist in me wants to say that, yeah, you can absolutely do that.
- 10:04But then the challenge can be that it does take two to tango while we're on the cliched path today.
- 10:11It actually reminds me, I'll tell you very quickly, I'm a story about,
- 10:14we'll call her Emily, somebody I worked with a while ago.
- 10:17She was very smart. She was very good at her job, but she had a hard time keeping friends.
- 10:22Making them was not so bad, keeping them definitely a challenge.
- 10:25And she came to me very confused, upset, wanting to know why did she always feel so alone?
- 10:31And the more that we started talking about it, digging into what was going on
- 10:34with her, we found out that she had a habit of always just talking about the
- 10:38bad stuff, where she would talk about nice things and it was very complimentary.
- 10:41But then we started to notice that when somebody came into her orbit,
- 10:43then it was all about the negative things.
- 10:45She would complain about something or tell people how hard her life was compared
- 10:48to theirs and I'm relating this story in the context of the therapy setting
- 10:52I was very grateful that I was able to see these patterns over weeks and months
- 10:56play out because that was how we were able to get to the point where she recognized
- 11:01those as well as I said tell me more talk about that where's that come from.
- 11:05And at first, I thought she was more or less just bending, just kind of getting things off her chest.
- 11:09But the more we talked, the clearer it became that she started to rely on her
- 11:12problems to get noticed.
- 11:14Because we all want to be seen. We all want to be heard.
- 11:17And she started to feel like if she wasn't talking about her struggles,
- 11:21then nobody would pay attention to her.
- 11:23And we were able to trace that back to that was the way that people felt seen
- 11:27and heard in her family dynamic growing up.
- 11:29And that was where there was the real eye-opener for her.
- 11:32Because she started to see that she would she would bring
- 11:35somebody into her world positively and then
- 11:38just negative and act like nobody else could really understand her
- 11:41or what her experience was and that almost felt like this
- 11:44subconscious mission and it actually was pushing people away and it was making
- 11:48it really tough for others to be around her because it was very draining so
- 11:52we worked on that and it took time and we focused on her being very curious
- 11:55and noticing her discomfort and not trying to get rid of that discomfort and
- 11:59this is one of those that it was was difficult, but she really put in the effort.
- 12:03And I get to say one of those happily ever after things started to change and
- 12:07people respond a little bit differently, but more, she started finding herself
- 12:11around more people that were in essence,
- 12:14the people that probably weren't going to try to manage her emotions or anxiety,
- 12:18or they would see through her in the past.
- 12:20And people started to actually like to hang out with her and not just because
- 12:24they felt sorry, because they genuinely liked being around her.
- 12:26And she over time liked being around herself.
- 12:29She was somebody that now could find connection, but it took a lot of work.
- 12:33There's something about her story that it's more of a reminder of how the way
- 12:37that we talk and interact and the things that we talk about,
- 12:40they really do shape our relationships.
- 12:42And I think that's gonna go into play more in the study that we're talking about,
- 12:45that by being more aware and making these changes, she was able to turn things around for herself.
- 12:50It was a her thing, it really was. It was awesome to see, and that really helped her show up different.
- 12:55Okay, I couldn't help myself. I did take a break. I came back to the sun a different time.
- 13:00And I did take the script, the transcript up to this point.
- 13:03I had a thought during a session, and I just plugged it into ChatGPT because
- 13:08I'm talking about going back to Tennessee.
- 13:10And I said, can you now tell Emily stories if I were speaking to a group of
- 13:13non-educated backwoods hillbilly folk who use as many southern phrases as possible
- 13:17whenever they speak, and they use poor grammar as well?
- 13:20ChatGPT, here's where it does not let you down. So here we go.
- 13:23All right, y'all, gather around and let me spin a yarn about a gal named Emily.
- 13:27Now, Emily, bless her heart, she was sharper than a tack, but couldn't seem
- 13:31to make no friends stick around.
- 13:32She come to me one day, madder than a wet hen, wondering why she was always
- 13:36lonesome as a pine tree on a mountaintop.
- 13:38When we got to John, and it dawned on us quicker than a hiccup,
- 13:41Emily had a habit of yammering about all her troubles.
- 13:43If she weren't complaining, she was as quiet as a church mouse.
- 13:46She thought her woes were her ticket to folks paying her any mind.
- 13:51At first, I reckoned she was just spilling her beans, but it turned out complaining
- 13:54was her way of fishing for attention.
- 13:56She felt if she wasn't bellyaching, uh, shit.
- 14:00If she wasn't bellyaching, she'd be about as noticeable as a needle in a haystack.
- 14:04When she cottoned on to this, her eyes got as big as saucers.
- 14:08She realized her constant griping and saying nobody could walk a mile in her
- 14:11shoes was shooing folks away faster than cats at a dogfight.
- 14:15It was plum tuckering out anybody around her.
- 14:18So we rolled up our sleeves and got down to brass tacks. We worked on getting
- 14:22her to talk about something other than her hard knocks.
- 14:25It was tougher than trying to nail jelly to a wall. But Emily,
- 14:28she's tough as nails, I'll tell you.
- 14:30And lo and behold, things started to change. Folks began to warm up to her,
- 14:34not because they pitied her, because they genuinely took a shine to her.
- 14:37She wasn't just the gal who always cried the blues anymore.
- 14:40She became someone they liked having around, like sweet tea on a hot day.
- 14:44So telling you all about Emily's, like reminding ourselves how our chit-chat
- 14:48and what we chin-wag about can paint the barn of our friendships.
- 14:52By switching gears and mixing it up, Emily turned her boat around in the creek. freak.
- 14:57She's living proof that a little change can make a big old difference.
- 15:00Now, ain't that something?
- 15:02Okay, so back to the research by Dr. Gwendolyn Seideman.
- 15:06And she said that moods do tend to be contagious and that there have been numerous
- 15:09studies on depression that show that depressive states can then be contagious between people.
- 15:14And this is especially likely to occur in couples whose day-to-day experiences
- 15:17become very intertwined, which I think that we saw a lot of that during the
- 15:21pandemic when everybody was shut in together, husband, wife,
- 15:25or spouse, spouse, spouse, and then kids as well.
- 15:28And then one study found that on days when one partner reported a poor mood, so did the other.
- 15:34And I don't know if I would call this the power of persuasion or self-fulfilling
- 15:37prophecy, but one of the things that I often hear from couples that I personally
- 15:40work with is something that I believe I learned from Dr.
- 15:43Kevin Skinner long ago when I went through his betrayal trauma certification.
- 15:47But I feel like the memory I have is him saying that, hey, only one person in
- 15:52the relationship can have a bad day at a time.
- 15:53And again, I could have completely confabulated that entire memory,
- 15:57but the concept has worked out in my own relationship and then people that I've
- 16:00worked with where if one person is particularly down, then I've got this.
- 16:04Then I will shine through and then vice versa, where there's one person to pick
- 16:07things up, pick up the slack for the other person.
- 16:09But from this research, back to that concept that this one study found that
- 16:13on days when one partner reported poor mood, so did the other.
- 16:16And I realize even as I'm saying this out loud, as a marriage therapist,
- 16:19as somebody that does, you know, every way, I think we all have our ups and
- 16:22our downs, that it can, when you're really feeling down, and then this is where
- 16:26I go to my concept of your emotional baseline,
- 16:28that when everything is clicking and your your baseline of emotions are high,
- 16:32then it's not as difficult to deal with everything that's coming at you day to day.
- 16:36But when you do start to feel down for a lot of different reasons,
- 16:39and your baseline of emotions lowers, it can be really difficult to access the
- 16:43tools you need to just simply respond and show up in the day.
- 16:46And at times, that's when I think that people can really appreciate their partner
- 16:51who is stepping up for them in that moment.
- 16:53But I almost feel like Like if we continue on this emotional baseline concept
- 16:57that if the person gets too low, then they start to feel like,
- 17:02oh, I bet the person, my partner doesn't even really want to be here with me anyway.
- 17:07So it can be tricky. I know it's not a one size fits all.
- 17:10But then it goes to the which partner has more influence. Is it the happier
- 17:15partner or the less happy partner? This, this is the question.
- 17:19Because a lot of the research in psychology supports the notion that
- 17:22bad in general is stronger than good that
- 17:25we have this default to the negative the buddha brain
- 17:27talks about the brain is teflon for the positive and
- 17:30velcro for the negative that we hang on to these negative memories because that's
- 17:34a bit of a evolutionary survival skill because we think that if we just are
- 17:37thinking that everything is rainbows and unicorns that then we are not going
- 17:42to be paying attention when the woolly mammoth turns and rounds the corner and
- 17:46then stomps us or whatever woolly mammoths do,
- 17:50Some of the psychology, the research in psychology shows that,
- 17:53for example, people are much more upset about losing $20 than they are happy about gaining $20.
- 17:59And so then in studies of marital conflict, negative behaviors have a far bigger
- 18:03influence on satisfaction than positive behaviors do.
- 18:06And negative social interactions have a much larger influence on health and
- 18:09well-being than positive do.
- 18:12So this does start to suggest that the unhappy partner is more likely to influence
- 18:18the happy partner than vice versa.
- 18:21And let's dig into a little bit more of just the actual research itself.
- 18:24Stavovra and Chopik used data from two large long-term studies of couples.
- 18:29And the first study included a sample of over 18,000 couples who completed an
- 18:33annual survey for 37 years.
- 18:36And each year, both partners rated their level of life satisfaction on a 10-point scale.
- 18:41The results showed that the happier partner experienced a decrease in satisfaction
- 18:45over time, whereas the less happy partner held steady.
- 18:49And then by the end of the 37 years, the initially happier partner experienced
- 18:57on average a 2.2 point drop in satisfaction.
- 19:03And this change was so profound that by the end of the 37 years on average,
- 19:08the happier partner had become actually then the less happy partner.
- 19:12So they'd gone from the happier partner, took this drop, and then now actually
- 19:17went below the happy partner.
- 19:19And this is just my thoughts here, but I feel like at times I do see that because
- 19:25the person who is more enthusiastic or the person that is the eternal optimist, that if they cannot,
- 19:33if they almost feel like if they can't get their spouse to join them in trying
- 19:37to make the most of situations or being overly optimistic or positive or putting
- 19:41a positive spin on everything,
- 19:43that they start to feel like, man, I must be doing something really wrong.
- 19:47If I can't get this person I care about.
- 19:50Come along with me on this journey of, hey, things aren't so bad.
- 19:53And so it's that concept where we really, we're all looking through our own lens.
- 19:57And so it's hard to not think that it must be something that I am doing when
- 20:01there could be a version where you are doing all that you can be doing.
- 20:05And it really is the issue of your partner and not saying that with judgment.
- 20:10So then to test a broader set of variables relating to well-being,
- 20:14the researchers also also analyzed data from a Dutch sample of about 3,000 couples
- 20:18who were surveyed annually for 14 years.
- 20:21Respondents completed questionnaires assessing their life satisfaction,
- 20:24their positive emotions, their negative emotions, and their self-esteem.
- 20:27And for all four of these outcomes, the happier partner scores declined over
- 20:31time and the less happy partners improved somewhat.
- 20:35But they didn't exactly meet in the middle. The declines experienced by the
- 20:38happier partner were greater than the improvements experienced by the less happy partner.
- 20:43So a savvy reader, Dr. Gwendolyn says, may suspect that this occurred because
- 20:48the happiest people just tend to show the biggest declines.
- 20:51When you start really high, then there's a long way to fall.
- 20:55However, additional analysis revealed that this wasn't the case either in these
- 20:59in either of these studies.
- 21:00That this was not the case in either of these studies. It was the participants
- 21:04participants who were the least happy to start with who showed the largest declines in well-being.
- 21:10What does that say? That these studies both found that well-being is contagious.
- 21:14That a romantic partner's happiness level tends to become more and more similar
- 21:18over time, but the two partners meeting in somewhere in the middle.
- 21:24However, rather than the two partners meeting somewhere in the middle,
- 21:27the less happy partner had an outsized influence.
- 21:30And so with so many other their psychological phenomena, the good outweighs the bad.
- 21:36And the less happy partner tends to bring the happier partner down.
- 21:40What have we learned today? And I will end with a little bit of what I would call a special treat.
- 21:47I have a summary that just delivered a little bit off the cuff.
- 21:50And then I went back through and I took the transcript and then asked the folks
- 21:55at ChatGPT, the robots, the behind the scenes, to then countrify it up.
- 22:00And so then I'll end there. but the non-counterfeit version that I really like
- 22:05this concept or just the awareness of an emotional contagion in relationships.
- 22:10Because we talked today about how the negative person, that the positive person
- 22:15declines more and meets that negative person a little bit more of where they're at.
- 22:21But I think that if we are aware of that contagion in relationships,
- 22:25the emotional contagion and we can start to differentiate.
- 22:29So the positive person continuing to be them because that is a them issue.
- 22:33If they find themselves starting to play small so that others around them will not feel less secure,
- 22:40it's part of that Marianne Williamson poem that I'm tempted to read again right
- 22:45now, but you are learning that everything is an opportunity for you to self-confront and grow.
- 22:49And it can be scary to differentiate from a partner who
- 22:52is starting to feel down but that might
- 22:55be where they operate from and not
- 22:58anything that is because of you but because of their own childhood
- 23:01abandonment attachment nature nurture dna all
- 23:04those things that that make that their base to operate from so that doesn't
- 23:09mean that anything is wrong with you for continuing to operate from this place
- 23:13where you feel like you're being more you authentic being more authentic being
- 23:18more positive and that isn't so that you will bring your partner up with you,
- 23:23but so that you will be living your very best life.
- 23:25And then if there were any, if there was a chance to then help raise your couple's
- 23:31emotional baseline, then it would be coming from a place where your own baseline is high.
- 23:37And I talked about Emily's story, the person who struggled to maintain close
- 23:41relationships because there were constant negativity and complaints.
- 23:43And I shared that story because it's very real, but it does show that you need
- 23:47to be intentional about the work that you're doing.
- 23:49That wasn't something where she just listened to a podcast or read a book and
- 23:52it happened overnight, there was a lot of her returning back to that home base
- 23:56of her feeling like a pretty negative person.
- 24:00And it took quite a while to get that awareness or recognition that that was
- 24:04something that was her default.
- 24:06And it took a lot for her to start to create new neural pathways in her brain,
- 24:10but it really did work. And she turned that situation around.
- 24:13So some takeaways, a couple of things you can do. It's basically just being
- 24:17aware of your emotional influence and whether it's on someone else,
- 24:21but primarily on yourself,
- 24:22because it's that power of your emotional state, because it's okay to acknowledge
- 24:28that your mood has a significant impact on people that are around you.
- 24:32And constant negativity will dampen the spirits of your partner and your friends.
- 24:36And I'm not trying to say this with judgment, but with opportunity for awareness,
- 24:40self-confrontation, growth, all those wonderful things.
- 24:43If you are aware, then now you're on your path. You didn't know what you didn't know, now you know.
- 24:48But it's maybe a little bit difficult to put that into action of starting to
- 24:52try to be more intentional about being positive.
- 24:55And over time, you'll do it more than you don't. And then eventually,
- 24:57I promise you, you will become, if you are on this journey, Become a person
- 25:01who is in that moment, being present and taking it all in.
- 25:04Back to this experience over the weekend, speaking at this funeral,
- 25:08when I arrived at the service, apparently that was something that I was in charge of.
- 25:13And I thought that there were a lot more things that had been put together or put in place.
- 25:19And I did find that that was one of these experiences where I think all of the
- 25:23work over the years of being present and mindful and being intentional about just this is happening.
- 25:29Happening and it's not going to help me to get down or beat myself up or play that victim mode.
- 25:35So then when the person said to the person from the funeral home said,
- 25:39all right, so what do you need? And tell me when you're ready to start.
- 25:42And I was saying, I think I need a lot of things, but because I really don't
- 25:46know what's going on, but I thought, well, but here we are, let's do this.
- 25:49So then just being so present in that moment.
- 25:51And it was such a, such an incredible experience. And I was grateful for that,
- 25:55that ability to be in that moment and be present.
- 25:57And then second Second is, I'd say the final takeaway is to reflect and then adapt.
- 26:03And we'll go back to Emily's journey. If you find yourself in a similar situation
- 26:06where you start approaching your communication.
- 26:11Where your approach to communication is affecting your relationships,
- 26:14then just first start to be aware.
- 26:18And you will be aware in the moment that you're even doing it.
- 26:21And it might be hard to get out of it in that moment. But just be able to step
- 26:25back from that situation, reflect, and sometimes make a conscious effort to
- 26:29change how you express yourself by incorporating more positive and affirming
- 26:33language. And be curious.
- 26:35One of the best things you can do if you're not sure what to to do when you
- 26:38are interacting with other people is be curious.
- 26:41Pretend that you're an interviewer, that you don't know anything about them,
- 26:43and then watch as you still want to then cue up your response.
- 26:47And then just notice that and be in that moment. Be curious.
- 26:50People like to be heard. They like to be understood. They really do.
- 26:53And by doing that, it can really improve your interactions, which then will
- 26:57start to improve your relationships.
- 26:58I think it's important to keep in mind that, yes, our emotions are the way we
- 27:01express ourselves, and they play a really crucial role in our relationships.
- 27:05And it is within our power of choice in that moment of what we share and how we share it.
- 27:11Now, at first, it might not seem that way, but with some work and building in
- 27:14a pause and maybe a nice mindfulness technique or practice on a daily basis
- 27:19will help you build in that pause,
- 27:20then you will feel more powerful and be able to be more intentional the way
- 27:25that you are expressing yourself in your relationships and just as a human being.
- 27:30So, I appreciate everybody joining
- 27:33me today. If you have thoughts or comments, feel free to share them.
- 27:36And now, now I will end with a good old chat GPT taking the transcript of the
- 27:45wrapping things up like I just did.
- 27:47And then it put it right back into that same voice. Here we go. Hey, y'all.
- 27:53I can't even pull the accent without laughing, but out in the wild, I can sure do it.
- 27:57But hey, y'all, as we're fixing to wrap up today's episode, let's do a quick
- 28:00recap and leave y'all with some food for thought.
- 28:02We dive deep into how happiness and unhappiness can spread in relationships,
- 28:06kind of like catching a cold from your partner, but with emotions.
- 28:08And we talked about a study showing how folks in a couple tend to start matching
- 28:13each other's moods over time, and more often than not, it's the unhappiness
- 28:16that spreads easier than a butter on a hot cornbread. Ed.
- 28:19And we also spun a tale about Emily, who was as lonesome as a left sock in a
- 28:23dryer because she couldn't keep
- 28:24friends due to her constant griping and groaning, but bless her heart.
- 28:28She turned her story around when she realized she was spreading more gloom than
- 28:31a cloudy day in November.
- 28:33First takeaway, mind your moods. Remember y'all, your mood's like a wildflower, it can spread fast.
- 28:38And if you're always down in the dumps, it's like throwing a wet blanket over a campfire.
- 28:42So try to mix in some good news and smiles with your gripes,
- 28:45and it'll be like adding sugar to lemonade, makes makes everything sweeter.
- 28:49Takeaway two, listen and change.
- 28:51Secondly, if you find yourself in Emily's boots feeling as useful as a screen
- 28:55door on a submarine when it comes to making friends, might be time to look in the mirror.
- 28:59Sometimes we got to change our tune to play a better melody.
- 29:02And if all you do is complaining, try throwing in some good stuff about your day.
- 29:06You might just find folks sticking to you like molasses.
- 29:09So there you have it, folks. As we close the barn door on this episode,
- 29:13remember, happiness and sadness can spread quicker than gossip in a small town.
- 29:17It's up to us to decide what we're sharing. Now, y'all take care now.
- 29:21Don't forget to tune in next time for another heaping helping of down home wisdom and stories.
- 29:27Taking us out per usual, the wonderful, the talented, Aurora Florence with her
- 29:31song, It's Wonderful. Have a great week. We'll.
- 29:33Music.