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E262: Tools For Raising Thriving Children w/Adam Lane Smith | Lila Rose Show · The Lila Rose Show

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  Everyone wants to have healthier relationships, stronger
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  marriages, and there's a lot of a lack of clarity about the how.
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  Oh, my childhood wasn't great. Take 15 medications.
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  You can't just medicate for childhood problems.
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  When someone sits in front of me and says, Adam, I want to be a
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  better parent. I really want to guide my
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  children. I really want to do that.
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  What do I do? I asked them those eight
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  questions. Do you want me to go through it
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  the way I would with them? Let's do it.
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  How do I help my child become a secure child?
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  That's the question. 5 levels. Number one conflict is where we
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  build trust. You don't build trust when
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  there's no conflict. This is why the repair skills,
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  one of the 8 mandatory skills for parenting I teach in the
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  course, Cut out the perfection. Cut out the assumption that you
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  have to be a perfect parent tomorrow because you can't.
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  Yes, your children need mostly, mostly clean socks.
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  That they need your presence more because when they're an
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  adult, that's what's going to serve them.
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  What are the keys to more secure and intimate households,
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  families, and parentings? What are the key 8 questions
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  that every parent should ask themselves?
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  And what does an ideal family dinner for connection and family
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  bonding look like? Many parents and individuals
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  recreate the same patterns they grew up with, both the good and
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  the bad. But there are practical and
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  measured ways to correct any dysfunctions and forge a better
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  path. Today on the Lila Roche Show,
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  we're sitting down with Adam Lane Smith, the attachment
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  expert. You all loved him during the
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  last episode as we discussed love, romance, relational
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  intimacy, but today we are deep diving all things family and
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  parenting. The mission of the Lila Rose
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  Show is to pursue thriving relationships.
• 1:25
  If you want to continue to support this mission, if you
• 1:27
  want to help keep the lights on here, help with the equipment,
• 1:30
  help with staffing our team. You can like this video,
• 1:33
  subscribe, share, and you can also check out patreon.com/lila
• 1:37
  Rose Show for 100% ad free episodes, bonus content and
• 1:41
  early access to ask our guests questions.
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  Adam Lane, welcome back to the podcast.
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  It's very good to be here. Thank you.
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  And thank you to everybody out there for your comments last
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  time. Those comment sections were
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  incredible. People were very happy.
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  People loved that episode with you.
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  They love you, why and what you do.
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  Because everyone wants to have healthier relationships,
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  stronger marriages, and there's a lot of a lack of clarity about
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  the how. And you were diagnosing problems
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  and providing solutions at the same time that were very
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  compelled. People were like, this makes
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  sense because a lot of the stuff out there, little pieces make
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  sense, but there's like missing pieces.
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  And you have a full vision for it through attachment theory
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  that I just think resonates very deeply with people.
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  That's beautiful and you know your audience better than
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  anybody. So you pulled me back because.
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  They want to hear more. That's it.
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  So let's go specific today. Yeah.
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  We're going to be specific today and we're going to get some
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  questions that we fielded. But one of the things I'm really
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  excited about is with this vision for secure parenting,
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  we're getting more into parenting on the show.
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  Folks know I'm a parent. And even if people listening are
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  not parents yet, but they're aspiring parents, this is the
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  gold what we're going to go through.
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  And you actually distilled it very beautifully that I got to
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  look at this and I'm very excited for today.
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  So thank you for going to be great.
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  And also thank you for letting us do the inaugural push any
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  chair. Of course these are incredible
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  chairs. Like this alone was worth the
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  trip right here. This is great.
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  Yeah, my podcast doesn't have these.
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  Good, okay, don't relax too much though, correct?
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  Okay, stay awake. No, just kidding, but I know you
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  were been traveling so it's been crazy.
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  But yeah, our other chairs for people listening, I hope people
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  haven't noticed guest discomfort or by discomfort.
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  But my other chairs are not just we're not doing it and the
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  table. So we're trying something new.
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  Let me know what you guys think and more.
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  Like a living room. Feel this way?
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  It is kind of supposed to be like a living room.
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  Nice. You know who has this random
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  stars in your office? I guess maybe some people do
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  that. 'D be worth it.
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  Yeah, let me know what you guys think.
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  But I'm glad you like it. You are the you are the honorary
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  guest, so. It feels secure, so we're good.
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  We are secure. There we go.
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  Good. That's a great place to start
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  for today. OK, so for people who didn't get
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  to meet you yet, give us the Adam Lane Smith background and
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  then we're going to go into the foundations of attachment and
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  dive into secure parenting. Wonderful, thank you.
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  I am the attachment specialist. I focus on helping people build
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  secure relationships, whether that's in themselves, in the
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  romance, friendship, family, whatever it may be.
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  My target is helping 1 billion people become securely attached,
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  right over the next 2050 years. Whatever it takes, if I can get
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  one in seven, the rest is on you guys out there to do it.
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  So take care of each other, please.
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  Right? I'm also Catholic myself.
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  I became a Catholic about 7 years ago.
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  Me and my wife, we have five children now, 6 actually 6 is.
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  Coming that's new from last time guys, that's very exciting news.
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  So when I talk about parenting, it comes from the attachment
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  science that I've studied, comes from my faith, comes from
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  raising my children. It also comes from all the work
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  I've done over the last, I don't even know how many years now,
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  doing all of this, working as family, marriage and family
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  therapist now, coaching parents and helping people do this.
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  If I can build the next generation of people that are so
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  securely attached they don't need me anymore, I will have
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  done my job. Does secure attachment, in your
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  view, largely solve for the mental health crises, a lot of
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  the physical health ailments that people are struggling with
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  today, general dissatisfaction, unhappiness?
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  How much does, in your view, big picture, does secure attachments
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  have to do with all of the crazy lack of health, psychologically
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  and physically that we're seeing today?
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  When I got my license as a psychotherapist, all of the
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  things they taught us was how to manage symptoms, and they
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  wouldn't even tell us what they were symptoms of.
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  Nobody knows what's causing mental health problems.
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  Chemical addictions, families breaking down, kids walking away
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  from the church. Nobody knows is what we kept
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  hearing when I got out into the field, when I found attachment
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  theory, when we built attachment science together, me and my
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  team, my business partner Andre, as we're building the institute
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  now, we're learning that the core of everything is that we
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  are beings designed to be in loving relationships.
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  It starts with God. It grows through our families.
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  It we need that. And when we don't have that,
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  everything, everything gets broken.
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  So yes, secure attachment is the root of almost everything else
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  on this planet that we're dealing with.
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  I was talking with a friend this morning about kids and she was
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  describing how some children, if they don't have that engaged
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  caretaker, she's actually talking about going to the park
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  with their kids and seeing another sitter there.
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  It was like a nanny, not a mom. And she was basically on her
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  phone. And by the way, mom's going to
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  be on her phone too. Sometimes worse than nannies.
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  But this is not to hit on nannies.
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  We have a nanny, we love our nanny, but she was on her phone.
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  The child was not engaged and you know, the mom was trying to
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  engage her child and they're they're talking and she saw, you
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  know, the nanny kind of perk up like, OK, I should not be on my
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  phone so much, but you can kind of see.
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  I mean, we know with childhood development, you know, if you're
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  not looked in the eyes, if you're not loved, if you're not
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  given that attention and presence, it does affect your
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  neurological and physiological and psychological development.
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  And there's research to show that we know that people that
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  are who are married and in long term, you know, loving marriages
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  have better health outcomes, better economic outcomes.
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  I mean, all the social that is out there that points back to
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  relationship, relationship relationship matters.
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  And yet I don't feel like it's as much of A mainstream
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  conversation as it needs to be. No, because you can't just
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  medicate for childhood problems, right?
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  Oh, my childhood wasn't great? Take 15 medications.
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  That's the answer they'll try to give you.
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  But I don't want to say this in reality, if you have a damaged,
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  broken, scary, disconnected, fearful childhood, it doesn't
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  even have to be as bad as most people are probably thinking
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  when they hear that. If you don't get the love that
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  you need, the connection you need.
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  If you don't get the five pillars of a secure attached
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  childhood, not only does your longevity go down, your life
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  expectancy decrease by sometimes up to 20 years, but the quality
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  of your life for the entirety that you are alive decreases
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  until you fix it. And that's the message more than
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  anything I want to take people to take home today is that all
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  of it is fixable. This is not well, I, I started
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  wrong, right? We hear a lot.
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  Why did God give me this childhood?
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  Why did he set me up for a lifetime of failure?
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  And that's a very real feeling. But understanding that it is not
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  a lifetime of failure that you're set up for.
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  It is something that you can overcome.
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  It is a pattern that you are being called to break for the
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  rest of your family, for anybody who comes after you, and even if
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  you don't have children, to break it for the people around
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  you. Yeah, that's such a powerful
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  point. It doesn't just impact your kids
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  or your future kids. It impacts literally every
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  person you engage, you talk to, you meet.
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  Yeah, I had. I remember.
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  I'll never forget. I had a 12 year old boy come
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  into my office as a therapist one time.
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  He came in crushingly depressed. Right.
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  Very broken family. He was in three different
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  sports. Should have been healthy and
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  adjusted from sports worse than ever.
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  Terrible anxiety, one of the worst cases I've ever seen.
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  And when I talked to him about the impact he could have on the
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  people around him as he grew up, I walked him through a legacy
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  focus, right? The ripple focus of the people
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  he could help. He came alive like he had never
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  been before. And he developed all this hope
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  and finally he wanted to live and then he wanted to learn how.
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  And that was the biggest change in him was understanding that he
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  could choose how he lived instead of living the life that
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  have been handed to him. Beautiful.
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  It's the purpose factor that's so key.
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  OK, we're going to get into parenting and I think this is so
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  foundational. I think I and what you've
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  created here with parenting, I know you have a course out.
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  I just, if every parent had better tools for how to parent,
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  it would change culture, it would certainly change politics
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  in the long run. It would change the outcome of
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  our mental health epidemic. It would change physical.
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  I would change everything. I think parenting, I mean, it
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  all comes back to parenting now. Yeah, marriage obviously is
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  essential part of parenting. We did talk about marriage in
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  the last episode and I think in future we can deep dive that
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  more. But today I think this is the
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  focus and I I think this is going to be the primer.
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  So I'm very excited that you're going to share this with folks.
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  There's multiple places we could start.
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  The place that I was most excited to actually do with you
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  was the eight question cascade, which basically moves people
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  from an understanding of what they have feelings and hopes for
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  around parenting to concrete plan for this is how I'm going
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  to parent. So they even have a sense of
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  direction instead of I'm going to automatically parent the way
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  my parents did or the way like advice I get from Instagram or,
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  you know, my girlfriend or my mom's group.
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  Like this is my plan and it can have future inputs, but this is
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  my plan based on my values, my faith and my, you know, purpose.
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  Where should we start? Should we start with the 8th
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  question, cascade? Do you want to lay more of a
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  found? Maybe give us a let's start
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  actually with this question for your secure parenting framework.
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  Give us the quick background how you built this.
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  Yeah, so this is something that I've been working on as I built
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  this course with my business partner Andre.
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  It's something that I've worked on with my wife as we've
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  parented our children as well. It's something pulled from
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  cutting edge science right now all over the world.
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  I was talking with Doctor Caroline Leaf recently, a
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  neurobiologist, talking about how the brain forms new ideas
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  and learns new skills. We've got that included in there
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  too, 'cause we have to know if someone's trying to learn a
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  skill, what should they expect, right?
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  Am I too old to learn is something I hear a lot from my
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  clients, whether they're 25 or 75, right?
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  Pulling in that, pulling in the different hormones that we know
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  are there, that no one talks about, oxytocin, vasopressin.
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  We know how a child forms trust. We know how repair needs to
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  happen after a conflict. We know these things, but
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  they're segmented, they're all pulled apart, they're scattered
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  everywhere. Part of my job has been to pull
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  and curate that information and then fit it together and makes
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  sense. So when we built the secure
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  parenting course, it's actually a bundle of me and another
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  worker, I mean another creator who does just neurological
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  systems and parenting that way. Fitting these pieces together is
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  all the science and the faith and everything we know in our
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  hearts and our bones and our souls all together into one so
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  that people have a unified parenting system, so that no
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  matter where you're coming from, you can raise the children you
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  want to become the people that you know they can become.
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  So as an example, we talked, we've talked about this many
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  times in the show, but gentle parenting and as Caroline Leaf,
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  is she that school of thought? Would she identify that way?
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  That I don't know. I talked to her just about brain
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  chemicals and all of that. There's, there's certainly a
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  number of, you know, influencers and creators who identify with
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  that school of thought. I think it's easy as a brand to
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  call it that, right? From what I understand, you have
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  taken that school of thought and made adjustments to it because
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  there's an element to parenthood that of course should include
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  gentleness and include, you know, getting at the child's
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  level. But there's a holistic nature to
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  it that I think invites also the the perspective that, yeah, you
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  are an authority. You're not just a friend.
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  You're not just like a cuddle bear, like you're an authority
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  and boundaries are important. And again, people hate this when
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  I get into this sometimes, like that's not gentle parenting.
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  You're mislabelling it. But I do think there are
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  extremes that exist in the parenting influence content
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  world. And people are looking for a
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  package that has a cohesiveness that's science based, but also
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  is integrated with our faith, that provides the right
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  anthropology for the human person.
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  Like this is how God designed the human person, and this is
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  how he designed relationship, including the parental
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  relationship, for that relationship to thrive.
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  Yes, I love this conversation because we have two different
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  ways of parenting. One is an imprinted model that
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  we are given. It's what we're trained in.
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  It's when our parents hit us with a slipper or scream at us
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  or ignore us or walk away from us or divorce each other and say
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  love just doesn't work right. Whatever it is, we have an
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  imprinted model of how family operates.
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  And that's what most people live under.
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  It's when you get angry and your your mom or your dad's voice
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  comes out of your mouth and you go, whoa, where did that come
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  from? Imprinted model.
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  And most people stop there because they're too tired,
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  they're too stressed, they don't know what to do.
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  Some people try to move beyond in what's called an intentional
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  model. They they go beyond the traumas,
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  the pain, the suffering, whatever it may be.
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  And they try to build with intention.
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  This is what we will be. This is who we are.
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  Now, the issue with that and the issue I take with things like
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  peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, etcetera, is that
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  that is not a real system. That is a reaction to an extreme
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  that was there before. We are reacting to broken
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  systems and going the opposite extreme, hoping to be our
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  child's best friend. That is not a healthy system
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  either. We need to go to the root of
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  what parenting means. What is the calling of
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  parenthood? Why is it a vocation?
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  Why are we as parents serving God and what are we doing?
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  That's what we have to build with intentions.
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  So an intentional family system is the only way to build what
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  we're looking for. What does parenting mean?
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  Parenting. It is a call to create the next
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  generation of people for the Kingdom of God, whatever
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  religion they may follow, even if they don't follow a religion
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  at all. That is what it is.
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  We are crafting and nurturing and guiding and mentoring the
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  human beings who will lead tomorrow.
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  It is no less than that. And we have to be fully aware
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  that every person we create changes the world.
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  Let's take that seriously. I love that quote.
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  The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.
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  The power of. A mother and a father, if the
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  father gets can get in there and help rock and the rocking
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  happens. It's a two person team at
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  minimum and then people be on that.
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  OK, very exciting. Let's start with the eight
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  question cascade. And we could even do this where
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  I can share. Maybe I can kind of be the
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  client a little bit and I can share something and then we can
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  just kind of get talk more generally too.
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  But I have your eight question cascade.
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  The first question, what type of childhood do you want your child
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  to have? How do you think people should
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  think about this and and why is it important to start with this?
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  You know, the reason, and maybe here's what we can try, is the
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  reason we came up with this was because people when I try to
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  teach them parenting, they come and say, how do I want to learn
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  to be a better parent? Amazing.
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  And then I would try to teach them skills and their eyes would
• 15:59
  glaze over and I could see them like thinking about their
• 16:02
  schedule and how much time they don't have and Oh yeah, no, that
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  sounds good. Do you have, do you have
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  something that would be 3 minutes that I could just do
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  really? Quick with my kids and.
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  It's most people. It's very well-intentioned
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  people. So the purpose of this cascade
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  is when someone sits in front of me and says Adam, I want to be a
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  better parent. I really want to guide my
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  children. I really want to do that.
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  What do I do? I don't start telling them.
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  I asked them those eight questions.
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  Do you want me to go through it the way I would with them?
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  Let's do it. Someone says Adam.
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  I want to be a better parent. I love my kids.
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  I feel like God is calling me. Let's turn that feeling into an
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  actual calling. First thing I ask is this.
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  What childhood experiences do you want your kids to have and
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  not just Disneyland fun play? What experiences would grow them
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  into the adult that you know they need to be someday?
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  The experiences they're having are going to be everything.
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  So then we lead into the next step.
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  I want them to be, I want them to be securely attached.
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  I want them to care. I want them to feel fulfilled,
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  to feel safe, to feel courage, to learn the virtues, to be
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  raised in faith. Beautiful question #2 what are
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  you currently doing to help them achieve that?
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  Right. And most parents are doing
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  something. I'm putting a roof over their
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  head. They're still alive, right?
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  I kept my son from falling on his body.
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  I go to church on Sunday. Right.
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  I go to church on Sunday. They they have they have
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  answers. And we want to acknowledge that
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  very few parents are doing nothing.
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  Everybody's doing something usually the best they know how.
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  Imprinted models show you the best you know how, and you'll do
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  slightly 10% better than your parents.
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  But the third question hits really hard.
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  And this is where it gets less fun and people stop smiling.
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  What are you doing that's not leading them into those
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  experiences? Yes, maybe what are you doing
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  wrong, but also what do you not know to do and you aren't even
• 17:47
  sure you're missing what? What could be missing?
• 17:49
  What could be missing? And that this is where most
• 17:51
  people get into trouble. I don't know what's missing.
• 17:53
  So then they go out there and they try to find peaceful
• 17:55
  parenting, gentle parenting, whatever.
• 17:57
  And they hope that's the answer. Again, they're reacting.
• 17:59
  They're not building an intentional system.
• 18:02
  What are you not doing now? The 4th.
• 18:06
  I'm like, should I answer? Yeah, yeah, right.
• 18:07
  It's hard. Yeah.
• 18:09
  The 4th question and this is really where it hits home.
• 18:13
  Do you actually believe it's possible for your child to have
• 18:17
  the childhood you described you want them to have?
• 18:19
  Do you even believe it's possible or are you just having
• 18:22
  an ideal? I wish that they could grow up
• 18:24
  happy, secure, loved and cared for.
• 18:25
  But that boat has sailed because their dad is doing AB and C.
• 18:29
  It's all over. I just have to buckle down and
• 18:31
  survive. Do you even have belief?
• 18:34
  That is such a big one, Adam, because I think most people will
• 18:39
  say, of course I want da, da, da, da.
• 18:40
  And then when it gets down to it and they're challenged, they
• 18:42
  don't believe they've already compromised.
• 18:45
  They've already kind of given up.
• 18:47
  And it's not because they're not trying, It's because they're
• 18:49
  already trying so hard. And so they feel overwhelmed and
• 18:52
  they think I'm doing the best I can and hope to God it's enough.
• 18:56
  But I know it's not what I would want in the like ultimately
• 19:00
  would want. Exactly, and their model is
• 19:02
  perfection. Here's the problem, people fall
• 19:04
  into absolute perfection. I have to hit the perfect
• 19:07
  absolute mark starting now, right now, as of this moment, I
• 19:11
  have to do everything perfect or I am already failing.
• 19:14
  And then they begin laboring under the weight of failure.
• 19:18
  They have hopelessness and they say I will just barely crawl
• 19:21
  through and I'll be ashamed and I'll be broken every single day
• 19:25
  because they expect perfection now.
• 19:27
  And that's people that love their children, right?
• 19:29
  This is not an evil thing. They love them, but they are
• 19:32
  hopeless. That's why there's more than 8.
• 19:34
  There's more than four questions.
• 19:36
  The questions go on. So when you get the client to
• 19:38
  say, well, actually, I don't believe the goal is possible,
• 19:40
  then you challenge them. You're like, no, you got it.
• 19:42
  You got to start with belief, right?
• 19:44
  Because it's what's the point of the exercise if you don't think
• 19:47
  they're going to make it? At minimum, there's going to be
• 19:49
  an improvement. Because if people don't think
• 19:50
  there's an improvement to be made that's possible, it's
• 19:53
  realistic, that's within reach. Then why would why would we even
• 19:56
  bought? Why are you listening to this
• 19:57
  episode, right? What's the point?
• 19:58
  Everyone knows. I think everyone I want, I want
• 20:00
  everyone listening to believe the.
• 20:02
  Parents listening and if you're pre parent, you're not a parent
• 20:05
  yet, but you have, you know, concerns about your future
• 20:08
  ability to parent or your your fears or you have own issues
• 20:11
  from your childhood maybe that are not even resolved.
• 20:13
  Whatever it is, believe that it is possible to be better than
• 20:18
  you are were yesterday. For your kids sake and for your
• 20:21
  own sake, believe that it is possible.
• 20:23
  With God's grace, it is 1000% possible.
• 20:26
  And here's a big change that I make for most people right here,
• 20:29
  right? I'm going to teach you
• 20:30
  something. I teach my clients.
• 20:32
  Under what conditions do you believe it's possible?
• 20:35
  No. Can you believe it's possible?
• 20:37
  No. Under what conditions would you
• 20:40
  believe it is possible? Now the under what conditions
• 20:43
  changes it from a right side brain question.
• 20:45
  I don't feel it's possible into a left side brain.
• 20:48
  Logically, let me figure out how it could be possible if I have
• 20:53
  these skills, if this thing was shifted, if I had this
• 20:56
  conversation here, if I had somebody helping me, if I knew
• 20:59
  how to do this. Now we have gaps that we can
• 21:02
  begin fixing under what conditions unlocks everything
• 21:05
  else. What have you found under this?
• 21:07
  Under what conditions would you believe it's possible to attain
• 21:10
  this? You know, better parenting,
• 21:12
  better family, better relationships?
• 21:15
  Is it financial typically that you run into what do?
• 21:17
  What do you find that are people's biggest reservations in
• 21:21
  this area? Is it very varied?
• 21:23
  By and large, for the most part, it's people's emotional state on
• 21:26
  the inside, their own nervous system regulation.
• 21:29
  I wish I could stop yelling. I wish I could be less stressed.
• 21:32
  I wish I felt better. It's one of those things, right?
• 21:34
  They'd say that I would need to be less stressed for this to
• 21:37
  work. Like my, I need to be always in
• 21:39
  Zen. I would need to be, yes, stable
• 21:41
  and healthy where I could feel OK, and then #2 I would need to
• 21:45
  know what to say and when and how.
• 21:47
  Because I never learned that When we grow up with a family
• 21:50
  that doesn't teach us love and intimacy, they still teach you
• 21:53
  skills. They teach you to survive in a
• 21:55
  world where no one will care about you.
• 21:57
  So the learning that you have and the voices then and the
• 22:00
  language you have is for when no one cares about you.
• 22:03
  And that's why when your kids stress you out, your words come
• 22:06
  out as if they don't care about you, and you manipulate, you
• 22:09
  criticize, and you hurt because that's all you learned.
• 22:12
  Meaning the parent acts as if the child doesn't care about
• 22:15
  that. Interesting.
• 22:16
  That's attachment right there. You are responding to your
• 22:19
  parents looking back. How could you do this?
• 22:20
  Like, what are you doing? Da, da, da?
• 22:21
  And it's like, because the child does care, correct?
• 22:24
  But they're just a kid and they're messing up.
• 22:26
  It's a 3 year old who wants a cookie, right?
• 22:28
  And you're screaming at your dad.
• 22:29
  Who wants the toy? Who?
• 22:30
  Happens to be your kid. Wow, it's so true.
• 22:33
  I mean, I think about last night, my, my 2, my oldest boy
• 22:36
  is five and three were fight. They weren't, they were having
• 22:40
  fun actually, but then it's late.
• 22:42
  And then the fun is if it's wrestling or something more
• 22:45
  aggressive, it turns and it eventually becomes a fight
• 22:46
  because the one's smaller than the other.
• 22:48
  Someone gets a little bit hurt and then there's the fight.
• 22:50
  And it's like, why are you doing this?
• 22:51
  And then I'm like, I'm like talking to my eldest and here's
• 22:54
  my raw, like Lila wrote Lila's mistake, right?
• 22:57
  Like, why did, why did you do this to your brother?
• 22:58
  And again, that's I know that wasn't the right reaction, but
• 23:01
  that was me also my, my nervous system getting dysregulated and
• 23:04
  like getting upset that they're hurt.
• 23:07
  I don't want them to be hurt, I don't want them to fight,
• 23:09
  etcetera. But it's not that he wanted to
• 23:11
  hurt his brother. He didn't want to hurt his
• 23:14
  brother. He was being rough.
• 23:15
  That's true. He didn't need to be as rough.
• 23:17
  But he's a 5 year old boy, right?
• 23:19
  So it's like the the posture in that moment, the better posture
• 23:22
  in that moment is I see that Leo is hurt.
• 23:26
  It looks like you were playing too rough.
• 23:28
  Let's take a break. I'm sure you didn't mean that,
• 23:30
  right? OK, we'll give him a hug and
• 23:32
  just the be the calm in the storm.
• 23:34
  I mean, would that actually what would have been the right
• 23:35
  responses? That was that was pretty good.
• 23:38
  Right, like in our and and. Got it in me somewhere.
• 23:41
  You do add an identity element like our family cares for each
• 23:44
  other. Let's in this moment, let's step
• 23:46
  in and take care of each other. Absolutely.
• 23:47
  But that's our calm, regulated nervous system.
• 23:50
  That's our left side brain. That's the prefrontal cortex,
• 23:53
  everything that's engaged when we are calm.
• 23:56
  Most parents have that problem right there because we all do.
• 23:59
  We all have bad days. Even the best of us have bad
• 24:01
  days where we step back into that old role.
• 24:04
  That's why it's not possible to do this perfectly.
• 24:07
  That's why we have to learn repair after a problem that
• 24:10
  we've done. We have to teach them that
• 24:12
  conflict doesn't lead to pain and disconnection, because then
• 24:15
  we can step and say, hey, look, kids, right?
• 24:18
  You can repair afterward. You have to that we can talk
• 24:20
  about that if you want to, but repair is we did.
• 24:22
  Have a little repair because then after I knew I was being
• 24:24
  too harsh with the eldest and so I said this was, I don't know
• 24:27
  what happened in between, but at some point I said, I know you
• 24:30
  love Leo and you were trying to just have fun.
• 24:33
  And he was like, and he was so actually honestly, in a way like
• 24:35
  my mistake it was. It was.
• 24:37
  And me acknowledging that I was, I responded to harshly.
• 24:42
  I think it actually as I'm thinking about the rest of the
• 24:44
  evening, he was, he got it. I mean, he's 5, but he totally
• 24:48
  got it. And he was like, I think at one
• 24:50
  point I was saying because I had a headache.
• 24:51
  And I think he was saying, Mom, I'm sorry you have a headache.
• 24:54
  And he was, he was very, very gracious.
• 24:57
  Yes, very gracious. Do you know why?
• 24:59
  Because he loves me. Yes, but but more than that.
• 25:01
  Do you know why? Because This is why the repair
• 25:05
  skill is 1 of the 8 mandatory skills for parenting I teach in
• 25:07
  the course. If you have a conflict, right?
• 25:11
  Conflict is where we build trust.
• 25:12
  You don't build trust when there's no conflict.
• 25:14
  You have to have conflict. So you have to have problems
• 25:17
  between you and your son. You guys have to go through it,
• 25:20
  but then you have to stop and say, buddy, I love you, I care
• 25:24
  about you. I care about you more than I
• 25:25
  care about my own ego. I'm going to put that aside and
• 25:28
  tell you I was wrong because you mean more to me than my own
• 25:31
  feelings, right? Here's what I'm going to do to
• 25:33
  fix it. I see you, you're a good kid.
• 25:36
  Let's take care of this together.
• 25:37
  And then afterward, the full that's resolution, the full
• 25:40
  repair is this doesn't hurt our relationship.
• 25:43
  I think you're a great kid. Are you good with me?
• 25:46
  Are we good again? OK.
• 25:48
  Everything's really let go, right?
• 25:50
  And confession. We have this in the Catholic
• 25:52
  Church after reconciliation, what does the priest tell you?
• 25:55
  You are fully absolved of all of your sins.
• 25:59
  He says it verbally right at the end because you go, I feel that
• 26:02
  moment, by the way, in confession, I'm like and it just
• 26:05
  let's go. My son says it feels, it feels
• 26:07
  like my soul got a bath right. And you walk out because that's
• 26:10
  the repair moment. It's not OK.
• 26:13
  You're forgiven. Yep, you're good, you know, OK,
• 26:14
  we're covered. You are fully, truly, truly
• 26:19
  forgiven. And our relationship is great.
• 26:23
  Go and be happy. So good we got into repair
• 26:27
  already Yep and I know I took I know I took us on a little bit
• 26:30
  of a sideway that's. Parenting for.
• 26:32
  You it's parenting, it's a work in progress, which I'm so
• 26:35
  excited to progress. Like, let's do the progress part
• 26:38
  and the work to the progress. Did you know that your health
• 26:43
  insurance plan likely covers abortion, abortifacients and
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  other unethical services? Most people have no idea that
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  they're footing the bill for procedures that go directly
• 26:54
  against their beliefs. Well, there are health sharing
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  ministries. Some families need and want
• 26:59
  standard insurance. That's why I'm so excited to
• 27:02
  share about Presidio Healthcare, the nation's first pro-life
• 27:05
  Christian health insurance company.
• 27:08
  That's right, Christian health insurance, the first pro-life
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  option that is not a health sharing ministry.
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  If you're in Texas, visit presidiocare.com.
• 27:16
  That's PRESIDIO care.com to get your quote today.
• 27:21
  If you're in another state, you can join the wait list and check
• 27:24
  out Presidio's nationwide pro-life Provider tool at
• 27:27
  prolifeproviders.com. Help bring life affirming
• 27:31
  healthcare to the rest of the country.
• 27:33
  Go to presidiocare.com I am always on the hunt for great
• 27:37
  kids content and I'm so excited about Hallow Apps New prayer
• 27:41
  challenge. Starting October 13th, Jonathan
• 27:44
  Rumi will be leading the Story of All Stories, which is Word on
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  Fire's new Bible for young Christians.
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  The stories of the Bible come to life beautifully written by my
• 27:54
  friend Emily Stimson Chapman. Each episode will guide you to
• 27:57
  listen, imagine and pray through the great story of salvation
• 28:01
  history from the Garden of Eden to the glory of the
• 28:04
  resurrection. Then on October 20th, we'll dive
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  into a prayer series with Jim Caviezel and Father John Ricardo
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  on one of the most powerful works of CS Lewis, the Screw
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  Tape Letters, a personal favorite of mine.
• 28:16
  If you want to check out these new offerings and thousands of
• 28:19
  other prayers and devotionals, head over to hollow.com/lila for
• 28:23
  three months totally free. That will get you all the way
• 28:26
  through the Advent season. That's hollow.com/lila for three
• 28:30
  months free. What Are you ready to invest?
• 28:35
  We were on that question. Is this where people commit?
• 28:39
  Like, OK, I'm going to, you know, if I'm self diagnosing
• 28:43
  myself right now, commit to more self-care.
• 28:45
  Because if I have a raging headache, if I'm working myself
• 28:48
  to the bone because I'm up late in the night after my kids go
• 28:50
  down, I'm up early in the morning before they get up,
• 28:52
  working, working, working. It's harder for me to be that
• 28:55
  loving, calm mom because if I'm feeling stressed in my body, it
• 29:00
  comes out in my emotion. So that's where the person has
• 29:03
  to like, what are we willing to? Is it usually a self-care thing
• 29:06
  that you find with people parents?
• 29:08
  Sometimes. Parents are so crazy busy today,
• 29:09
  especially moms of young kids. It's just.
• 29:11
  Right, it's even. What are we willing to scale
• 29:13
  back on in the rest of our life? If if this parenting is a call
• 29:18
  from God, what am I willing to take from other places to invest
• 29:23
  here? Say no to.
• 29:24
  Instead of this being the last thing, maybe it's taking my kid
• 29:27
  out of soccer. So instead of five nights a week
• 29:30
  for three hours, they're gone for me. 15 hours.
• 29:33
  That's a lot of time I could reinvest and talking with them,
• 29:37
  caring for them, nurturing them, guiding them, reading a book
• 29:40
  together, reading anything. Like anything, that's a lot of
• 29:43
  time. But we might have to make a
• 29:44
  sacrifice on soccer, right? What am I willing to invest in
• 29:48
  myself? Overcome my mom guilt.
• 29:51
  Maybe I need to learn new language skills that I use to
• 29:55
  connect to my child. Negotiation is a main skill of
• 29:58
  parenting. Do you not negotiate in good
• 30:00
  faith with a child? Right.
• 30:02
  Most parents don't. They dictate.
• 30:04
  Let's put a note on that. I'd like to come back to that.
• 30:06
  That's an interesting one. That's it.
• 30:07
  But my 3 year old. Is definitely a better
• 30:10
  negotiator than me 100%. He's phenomenal.
• 30:13
  They're incredible, right? Because they don't.
• 30:15
  He anchors so high and he does not walk away and I always end
• 30:19
  up giving something which not always but a lot of the time.
• 30:22
  You want the conversation to stop.
• 30:24
  He wants it to continue until he gets his way.
• 30:27
  He's going to win unless you give him a new framework.
• 30:29
  He's got no other agendas. Correct, you have to take.
• 30:32
  Care of his baby sister. Correct.
• 30:33
  He wants what he wants. If you if you can guide him
• 30:36
  though, on a framework that actually works for both of you,
• 30:39
  that's where you mentor him into a way that feels comfortable for
• 30:42
  you so that you can relax into the conversation.
• 30:45
  Then you're more present during the discussion.
• 30:47
  I want to come back to negotiation because that's a
• 30:49
  great topic to explore with parenting.
• 30:51
  With this. What Are you ready to invest?
• 30:53
  You mentioned like saying no to sports.
• 30:55
  I remember this conversation I had recently with a family, a
• 30:58
  couple, very lovely couple, very sweet.
• 31:01
  We're talking about kids, You know, we talk a lot on the show
• 31:03
  about the importance of being open to life if you're married,
• 31:06
  being open to multiple children, not just 1-2.
• 31:08
  This couple, I think they had three or four and they were
• 31:11
  joking 'cause I was saying, oh, that's beautiful.
• 31:13
  That's, you know, I think they had four.
• 31:14
  And that's a lot for parents today, actually, their
• 31:16
  generation, because a lot of families, they have two, maybe
• 31:19
  3. And so I was like, that's
• 31:21
  beautiful. And they kind of cracked a joke
• 31:23
  like, Oh yeah, 4. But you should have like, it was
• 31:26
  impossible with like 1 sport. And then we'd have to take some
• 31:29
  days or weekends. We were just spending all the
• 31:31
  time in the car. And then one time everybody had
• 31:34
  sports and there was 4 kids, but there's only two parents.
• 31:37
  And we thought, what have we done?
• 31:38
  And they were kind of joking like we should have had less
• 31:40
  kids. And I said, you should have done
• 31:44
  less sports. No, 100% less kids.
• 31:47
  Who cares about your sports? I mean, not to be a jerk to
• 31:50
  them. And again, they were kind of
• 31:51
  joking, but that's a real thing. Like, how can we have more kids?
• 31:54
  We can. I was just talking to someone
• 31:55
  else. Oh, it cost this several $100 to
• 31:57
  do this sport. And I was like, what is up with
• 31:59
  our sports? Let the kids run around in the
• 32:02
  forest or like take them to a park.
• 32:04
  Not that I'm not for sports, but the priorities, The priorities I
• 32:09
  think are. So yes, confused today.
• 32:11
  Correct. The commandments are very clear
• 32:15
  that we are supposed to have one God.
• 32:17
  And many people have put status or even performance above God,
• 32:22
  right? Or your college resume above
• 32:26
  God, or your future career above God, or whatever it may be.
• 32:30
  And this is what this question is really about.
• 32:32
  Or what are you willing to invest?
• 32:33
  What are you putting above your calling that God has given you?
• 32:37
  God has given you children to raise.
• 32:39
  There is nothing more important than that.
• 32:42
  Your purpose right now is to raise them into healthy human
• 32:45
  beings who give and receive love.
• 32:48
  If you are focusing on sports, there are plenty of atheists in
• 32:53
  sports already. Don't go that path.
• 32:57
  That's good. What about when the, when you're
• 32:59
  talking to someone and it's about careers and they're
• 33:01
  saying, well, we have to work this much for affording our
• 33:04
  family because this is something I hear frequently and there is
• 33:08
  this pressure to provide for both the man and the woman.
• 33:12
  Today, especially most families today, there's two income
• 33:15
  households. A lot of those are two income
• 33:16
  households. How do you how do you help
• 33:18
  people navigate that question? Two sides of that equation,
• 33:21
  right? How much are you needing to
• 33:23
  spend? And then how much are you doing
• 33:26
  because you think you have off to there is definitely a lot of
• 33:29
  people out there suffering right now, right?
• 33:30
  You mentioned nannies earlier. There are times where you need
• 33:33
  help. So I'm not sitting here that
• 33:35
  having a nanny is going to ruin your child's life, right?
• 33:38
  There's. Some also great nannies.
• 33:39
  There's some great nannies. Ours is like families.
• 33:41
  And building a system where your child only has your nanny
• 33:45
  instead of you so that you can hit AB and C on your target
• 33:49
  list. There's a problem, right?
• 33:52
  I'm not here to demonize the people who are really struggling
• 33:56
  and have to work two or three jobs and they give their kids
• 33:59
  the best they can, right? What can you invest and what are
• 34:02
  you willing to invest? But on the other side of that,
• 34:05
  what changes are you willing to make in your lifestyle?
• 34:08
  Maybe you are going to be poorer for the next 15 years so that
• 34:13
  you can be a better parent. Maybe God doesn't want you
• 34:17
  making an extra 20 KA year. Maybe that was a test for your
• 34:21
  soul. I have a really really terrible,
• 34:25
  really terrible story about one of my clients who is one of
• 34:28
  three children. They all grew to adulthood.
• 34:30
  They all moved away. Mom stayed in this in the town
• 34:33
  wishing they would come back. Here's what's amazing, all three
• 34:36
  of them got married and did move back.
• 34:39
  They started having kids and within the second year that they
• 34:42
  were all back together, she was offered a job at $20,000,
• 34:45
  additionally 12 hours away and she took it.
• 34:49
  Yes, she took it. Why?
• 34:52
  What was was she? $20,000 it's a lot of money.
• 34:56
  But was she financially hurting? And she?
• 34:58
  Was great. Her husband was the primary
• 35:00
  breadwinner. He had all the money.
• 35:01
  They were set for life. In fact, she was five years from
• 35:04
  retirement. She moved away, she got
• 35:07
  incredibly depressed. The kids had to raise their kids
• 35:10
  without her and they got to see her maybe.
• 35:12
  Three times a bad story. It's.
• 35:13
  A horrible story I told you $20,000.
• 35:16
  She sold her family for $20,000 if you want to think of it that
• 35:20
  way. There are many people out there
• 35:21
  right now selling their families for less.
• 35:23
  This is not to demonize people who are struggling or or or
• 35:26
  building a career. But what are you selling your
• 35:29
  children for? What are you willing to invest?
• 35:31
  Some people don't even want to pay for a video course or pay
• 35:34
  for a book. That's a problem.
• 35:36
  I want to take a quick segue here before we go to the next
• 35:39
  question and talk about Erica Commissar and parenting.
• 35:43
  The parenting question because you dress sports, you know,
• 35:45
  careers where it's like you're taking a promotion that maybe
• 35:48
  you didn't need or should have taken because of the time it
• 35:50
  takes away from your kids. But I want to talk about
• 35:52
  motherhood. I want to take a pause and talk
• 35:53
  about motherhood. And this is personal for me
• 35:56
  because you know, and we talk about this a lot on the show
• 35:58
  motherhood aloe parenting nannies.
• 36:00
  You know, we're very we, we, we don't like daycare around here
• 36:04
  as people know, but for some people in financial straits,
• 36:07
  they need to use it for a period of time.
• 36:09
  And I do think God works through that and God's Holy Spirit gives
• 36:12
  us lots of graces. So this is not to condemn
• 36:15
  people, judge people. But I do want to ask you about
• 36:18
  how you see secure attachment with young children, especially
• 36:21
  with their mother's primary care.
• 36:23
  When there's an aloe parent, whether it's like a hired nanny
• 36:26
  who becomes like a grandma, that's who we have thanks be to
• 36:28
  God, or it's an actual grandma in the household and the mother
• 36:32
  has work and obligations and maybe it could be with older
• 36:35
  children or it is with career, community, friends, whatever
• 36:39
  else she has going on that takes her away from her kids.
• 36:42
  We did something with Erica that was very controversial, but it
• 36:45
  was awesome. She got down into actual hours.
• 36:48
  I like an hours sliding scale of how many hours she thinks is a
• 36:52
  comfortable space to be away from kids.
• 36:53
  Again, every kids different versus not.
• 36:55
  Do you have a take on that parameters for basically working
• 36:59
  mothers for how to stress test? Is this the right balance where
• 37:04
  my kids need me and I'm primary care?
• 37:07
  I don't want them to spend more time with their nanny men with
• 37:09
  their mother. But then there's also other
• 37:11
  things the families called to that they believe is part of the
• 37:13
  larger, you know, work for the service of the family, but they
• 37:17
  don't want to de prioritize the most important thing, which is
• 37:20
  raising their kids. Fully hear you, fully hear you.
• 37:23
  2 points on that one for all the mothers out there who are
• 37:27
  gritting your teeth right now listening this like OK.
• 37:29
  I'm running right into this, guys.
• 37:31
  We're going to, Yeah, a great conversation.
• 37:33
  Never calls you to do more than you can, but he does demand that
• 37:36
  you do all that you can. So taking a hard look at what
• 37:41
  you can do, what you can invest, what you can do, that's where
• 37:46
  most people stop because they're afraid of what the answer will
• 37:48
  be. So objectively, looking at what
• 37:50
  you can do and doing the fullness of it, if you have one
• 37:53
  hour a day with your kids, give one hour.
• 37:55
  If you have 8 hours a day, give 8.
• 37:57
  If you have 10 minutes, give 10. I'll leave the exact numbers to
• 38:02
  Erica to parse out like that, but here's what I will say.
• 38:05
  This is the most important part. Rather than looking at the
• 38:07
  number of hours you're spending, taking those hours to any
• 38:10
  moments that you have and investing them into the five key
• 38:14
  principles to build secure attachment.
• 38:16
  If you miss any of those five you, even if you spent 8 hours a
• 38:19
  day, there are plenty of mothers out there destroying their
• 38:22
  children with 12 hours a day and plenty of good mothers building
• 38:25
  great kids with one hour a day. So you have to be prioritizing
• 38:29
  secure attachment with the amount of time you have.
• 38:32
  The way that I've approached it, which is, you know, everybody's
• 38:36
  different because everybody, God has different ways he worked
• 38:39
  with each other, but there's principles that remain the same.
• 38:41
  Is it comes back to this what you said first, beautifully.
• 38:44
  God does not call us to do something that we are not able
• 38:47
  to do. And so when I'm discerning what
• 38:50
  to say no to because I say no to far more things than I say yes
• 38:53
  to at this time in my life because of my children, speaking
• 38:56
  events, media, even podcasting, things like that.
• 39:00
  But when I decide the yes or the no with my husband, what is the
• 39:03
  foundation is if God wants this other thing to happen outside of
• 39:06
  my home, outside of my kids, This is the time I have.
• 39:10
  This is my this is my allotted time for the day.
• 39:12
  These are the three hours I have for it.
• 39:14
  If it's not going to get done in those three hours, then it must
• 39:16
  not be God's will because I'm not going to take another three
• 39:20
  hours away from my kids like I'm going to leave work at this time
• 39:22
  or finish work at this time. And that's helped our family
• 39:26
  with the clarity because we know I'm not going to trade.
• 39:29
  I do think the quality time is essential, but there is a level
• 39:31
  of quantity time that I think really matters with moms of
• 39:34
  young kids. It's not like 01 O one hour a
• 39:36
  day with my baby. I think it needs to be more than
• 39:40
  one hour a day, you know? That is absolutely.
• 39:42
  True. So that's, that's and, and I do
• 39:43
  think Erica has some parameters. Some of them I think are a
• 39:46
  little intense, you know, because she's not seeing it from
• 39:49
  a perspective of big families and vocational callings of the
• 39:51
  family. She's just seeing purely
• 39:53
  individual child development as she sees it.
• 39:56
  But I think we got to be really real about what when, whenever
• 39:59
  we say yes to something away from our kids, we're saying no
• 40:03
  to the time with our children. Yes.
• 40:05
  And remember that repair is for imperfections.
• 40:09
  You are never going to be a perfect parent.
• 40:10
  You're never going to hit the right numbers, targets.
• 40:12
  You're never going to hit the right perfect arrangement,
• 40:14
  Right. I couldn't be with them today.
• 40:15
  Grandma had to take over and ruin their life.
• 40:17
  I had to get a nanny. Grandma's great.
• 40:19
  I mean, the way I think about it, when, when they're with
• 40:21
  grandma or nanny or a sitter, it's someone that we trust that
• 40:25
  we think is going to be, they're going to have good time with
• 40:28
  them and they're going to learn things and have fun and do fun
• 40:29
  activities instead of where you have to clock drop someone off
• 40:33
  and clock them out. Absolutely, which is which is
• 40:36
  unfortunately some people struggle because they're in a
• 40:38
  position where they they don't aren't happy with their
• 40:40
  childcare and that's very painful.
• 40:42
  And whatever comes out imperfectly like that, that's
• 40:46
  where we step in and make repair.
• 40:48
  And that's that's the joy of our faith, right, Is that we don't
• 40:52
  start perfect and end perfect. You start OK, you continue
• 40:56
  trying, you fall short. And then we fix it and we fix it
• 41:00
  and we fix it, we fix it. There's the element most people
• 41:03
  are getting wrong is they look at their kids as objects that
• 41:06
  they're crafting. I am making a thing and they
• 41:10
  forget that they can connect to the child and even talk to the
• 41:13
  child about like I'm in a busy season.
• 41:15
  I want you to understand why, mom or dad, why we are
• 41:18
  disconnected right now and why we have less time.
• 41:20
  I'm going to make sure we have the time that we do is going to
• 41:23
  be incredible. What do you want to make sure
• 41:25
  we're hitting from your side? I'm going to make sure we're
• 41:26
  doing this and then this is what it looks like going forward.
• 41:29
  It's building a collaborative relationship with your child.
• 41:33
  That is, the only way to reach the fifth level of secure
• 41:36
  attachment with a kid is mentorship.
• 41:39
  You have to view them as a human being day one.
• 41:43
  They're a human being, not an object that you're crafting.
• 41:45
  And that's where most parents get this so wrong, even the ones
• 41:49
  who are well-intentioned. Such a good point.
• 41:51
  And we're going to that's the five levels of attachment with
• 41:54
  kids, is it? Or what is it?
• 41:55
  Called. That's the 5th.
• 41:56
  Level, you just did the fifth level, but there's the, there's
• 41:59
  five of them. It's only possible with the
• 42:00
  others, yeah. So we went a few great places.
• 42:03
  Thank you for doing that with me.
• 42:04
  What Are you ready to invest? How long will you wait to start
• 42:07
  is number six of the eight questions.
• 42:09
  How long will you wait to start? Right.
• 42:10
  And this is not to beat anybody up.
• 42:12
  It's how long are you going to wait to start?
• 42:14
  If it's tonight, great. If it's next week, why?
• 42:18
  Right. You're going to have to pick an
• 42:20
  exact time. Most people say eventually they
• 42:23
  don't pick a start time. Now is the best answer.
• 42:27
  Last week, you know is is a better answer.
• 42:29
  But now, now, OK, when can you feasibly start?
• 42:34
  You need to get started because every day that you don't, here's
• 42:37
  what most people miss. Your child's brain doesn't just
• 42:40
  grow. Your child's brain is shaped
• 42:43
  through experience. Through experience, it crafts a
• 42:46
  prefrontal cortex to make decisions, soundly or not.
• 42:51
  For if a child's insecurely attached, anxiously attached,
• 42:54
  their prefrontal cortex will fail to mature and won't even
• 42:57
  grow the concept of self-control of emotions that I am in control
• 43:01
  of my safety. It will fail to develop and
• 43:04
  they'll reroute endlessly into their limbic system, their fear
• 43:07
  based system. So you'll set up a child who's
• 43:09
  fearful if you're not crafting their brain through experiences.
• 43:12
  So as you wait, you are building brain pathways to a lifetime of
• 43:17
  sorrow and damage. Don't stop, don't pause, right?
• 43:22
  That leads into the next question, which is what's the
• 43:24
  cost of waiting? The cost of waiting is another
• 43:27
  day with brain patterns leading to fear or confusion.
• 43:30
  The worst thing your child can be is every single day in pain
• 43:34
  and suffering. The next worst thing is just
• 43:37
  confused. Your job is to provide them
• 43:39
  guidance. I am always on the hunt for
• 43:42
  great kids content and I'm so excited about Hallow Apps new
• 43:46
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  Rumi will be leading the Story of All Stories, which is Word on
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• 44:02
  listen, imagine and pray through the great story of salvation
• 44:06
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• 44:09
  resurrection. Then on October 20th, we'll dive
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  into a prayer series with Jim Caviezel and Father John Ricardo
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  Tape letters, a personal favorite of mine.
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  American meat delivered and to throw some more examples in
• 45:46
  here, we're talking about in terms of what are you not doing
• 45:49
  to the reach the school. That's the that's the questions
• 45:52
  that we're exploring further down the line.
• 45:53
  What are you not doing to the reach the school?
• 45:55
  Do you believe this goal is possible?
• 45:56
  What Are you ready to invest and how long will you wait to start?
• 45:59
  This could be about something as simple as we are in this bad
• 46:02
  habit as a family of what's another example.
• 46:05
  Going to too many sports. Or going to too many sports.
• 46:07
  Not eating dinners together, right?
• 46:09
  Not having. We're not.
• 46:10
  Having we're not looking each other in that or we're on phones
• 46:12
  could be another one too much screen time.
• 46:14
  Right, not even knowing how to have a family discussion at
• 46:17
  dinner. You all sit down at dinner and
• 46:19
  you make your kids sit there. You will put plates in front of
• 46:21
  them and then you ask them about the weather or how school was
• 46:24
  today and conversation runs out in 3 minutes and then they just
• 46:28
  stare at you and you stare at them and it's a horrible
• 46:31
  experience for all of you. You're going to have one of
• 46:33
  those dinners and you'll will never do it again.
• 46:36
  But learning how to have a family dinner.
• 46:39
  I will never forget when my best friend and business partner,
• 46:42
  Andre came to my house, one of the first times I met him four
• 46:44
  years ago and my wife and kids dog piled him like drove him to
• 46:48
  the ground in love and affection.
• 46:50
  And we all sat down to a big family dinner and just watching
• 46:54
  him there in meshing with me, my kids and my wife just having
• 46:57
  this great experience and then talked to him afterward like
• 47:00
  he's like, well, that's, that's what that's like.
• 47:03
  That's that's the the conversation and the joy and the
• 47:06
  playing. This is what a family dinner can
• 47:08
  be. And now he's married, he's got a
• 47:11
  great family of his own. They're growing together, and
• 47:14
  he's doing that himself, and I get to join him at his table.
• 47:17
  That's passing on skills, but it's something that you don't
• 47:20
  know unless, unless you grew up with it.
• 47:22
  If you didn't grow up in a family that had loving, intimate
• 47:25
  family dinners, you don't know how to have a family dinner.
• 47:29
  It will go terribly. What are the ages of the of your
• 47:31
  kids again, Adam? Mine, they are everywhere for a
• 47:34
  while. We have number six who's on the
• 47:36
  way right now. So 3 weeks old but or maybe 5
• 47:38
  weeks old but up to 99. Little, little ones.
• 47:41
  They are all at the table. They're talking, they're
• 47:43
  playing, they're sharing. I've got my daughter sitting
• 47:46
  here. Both of them were talking at me,
• 47:47
  having different conversations. My son's over here, they're all
• 47:51
  talking. And we, we actually use that
• 47:53
  time even to teach them how to converse, how to have a good
• 47:55
  dinner conversation, how to connect to each other.
• 47:57
  It's not lecturing or criticizing.
• 47:59
  Amazing. It's teaching and playing.
• 48:00
  So good. OK, so I, if we get the time,
• 48:04
  we'll go back to how to have a good dinner conversation.
• 48:06
  I love that as a, as a module here, but what is the cost of
• 48:09
  waiting? And then what's the last
• 48:12
  question? The last question is, and this
• 48:14
  is what will free people from the terror that they've been
• 48:16
  feeling as these questions build and they feel like I've already
• 48:19
  failed everything. Cut out the perfection.
• 48:22
  Cut out the assumption that you have to be a perfect parent
• 48:23
  tomorrow because you can't, right?
• 48:25
  Your brain waves. It shows.
• 48:27
  I, I talked to Doctor Caroline Leaf and she says it takes 58 to
• 48:30
  63 days to read, to grow new skills, new brain pathways, new
• 48:33
  habits. 2 months, right? Two months.
• 48:35
  Two months. For the new habits 2 months.
• 48:36
  For full formation of new brain habits, A new brain behaviors. 2
• 48:40
  months. So maybe at at a month you start
• 48:42
  to get your body doing the thing.
• 48:43
  But if it takes two months to really cement the thing 100.
• 48:46
  Percent into your brain. Now that's one pattern at a
• 48:48
  time, by the way. So if you look at this and say,
• 48:51
  what could I go through in a couple of cycles, 6 months?
• 48:55
  What are three skills I could train myself into that would
• 48:59
  replace the bad? Not just how do I unlearn the
• 49:02
  bad, What do I replace the bad with?
• 49:04
  I'm dysregulated and snapping at my kids.
• 49:07
  How can I spend two months of the six months growing into a
• 49:10
  calm, regulated parent who is peaceful, who has a calm
• 49:14
  presence and who is ready to be with my children or step away if
• 49:17
  I need to breathe or breathe in front of them and show them Co
• 49:20
  regulation, right? Six months.
• 49:23
  What do I need to learn over the next six months to become that
• 49:27
  parent, to get them that experience from that childhood?
• 49:30
  Back to question one, what experiences in childhood do you
• 49:33
  want your children to have? Right?
• 49:35
  Question 4. Do you believe it's possible?
• 49:38
  Well, if you had six months to achieve it, what would you need?
• 49:41
  Under what conditions would you grow into that parent over six
• 49:44
  months? That's that last question.
• 49:46
  The full Cascade takes you on the roller coaster of hope,
• 49:48
  sorrow, anger, grief. Back to hope and then tune into
• 49:53
  a plan. You sit down and you make a plan
• 49:56
  over the next six months. Skills you need things you don't
• 50:00
  know how to do yet. 8 questions to answer your calling.
• 50:05
  Do some people, when they get to #8 what we need to do or learn
• 50:09
  in the next 6 months? There are skills you may need to
• 50:13
  learn. Likely you need to learn.
• 50:14
  But there also may be significant life decisions that
• 50:17
  need to be made, including career, maybe school where
• 50:23
  people are living physically could be a decision,
• 50:26
  relationships that they've invited into the family that
• 50:29
  they need to maybe pursue or maybe be more boundaried about
• 50:33
  what, what, how, how does that usually go when you run through
• 50:35
  this with clients? And is that the hardest thing
• 50:38
  when people are like, oh, shoot, I need to, you know, move out it
• 50:41
  move to back home to be closer to grandparents or whatever that
• 50:45
  next, you know, aha moment is? You know, it's funny about my
• 50:49
  son, my littlest son, a tool set recently, and it's cool because
• 50:53
  it has the tools and they're all outlined perfectly on the tool
• 50:56
  set to show you where the tools go and which ones are missing.
• 51:01
  And the sad thing is that adult tool boxes don't have that,
• 51:03
  especially our emotional tool boxes.
• 51:06
  You look at your adult tool set and it doesn't have outlines of
• 51:09
  what's missing. You have no idea what tools are
• 51:12
  even available or possible. You have no idea what life
• 51:14
  changes you might need to make. You have no idea.
• 51:17
  Then that's been the problem for most people.
• 51:19
  They're living with an imprinted system they hate.
• 51:21
  They want to build an intentional system and it's
• 51:23
  blank. So they stick to the imprinted
• 51:25
  system because it's all they have.
• 51:28
  Quite often, talking to somebody who knows what a parenting
• 51:31
  situation is supposed to look like is usually the answer.
• 51:34
  Yes. It's decisions about where to
• 51:35
  live. It's decisions about what
• 51:37
  sacrifices to make. It's maybe talking to your
• 51:39
  priest about does God want my children to be a soccer star or
• 51:44
  to grow up believing in God? Tell me which one I should be
• 51:46
  focusing on primarily, right? What decisions am I going to
• 51:50
  need to make and who do I need to become to answer my calling?
• 51:55
  You have six months to answer the call.
• 51:58
  Jesus will wait, right? He'll call you again.
• 52:01
  He'll keep calling you. It doesn't end, but you better
• 52:04
  answer that call now and get the process started.
• 52:07
  Do you have people, when you go through this process, express
• 52:11
  regret and how do they deal with regret?
• 52:15
  Everybody has immense regrets because nobody is a perfect
• 52:17
  parent. I am not a perfect parent by any
• 52:19
  means, right? Even my wife, who's very close
• 52:21
  to. Perfect.
• 52:23
  Even my wife, who's right here off set, she's closer, but she's
• 52:27
  not there. None of us are right, so we all
• 52:30
  have regret. I can remember moments where
• 52:33
  I've let my kids down. I can remember moments where I
• 52:35
  lost my temper. I can remember moments where I
• 52:37
  said things I shouldn't have said that my my parents came out
• 52:39
  of my voice right. We all have those.
• 52:41
  And I'm sure my parents had those moments where their
• 52:43
  parents came out and said why, right?
• 52:50
  Regret is a gift from God if we use it right, because it is
• 52:56
  supposed to drive us to make a change.
• 53:00
  Regret turns into shame, which is a tool of the devil when we
• 53:05
  don't believe change is possible.
• 53:09
  So the question to ask is, under what conditions could I change
• 53:14
  and make that regret mean something?
• 53:17
  Learning a skill, making a shift, becoming who you are
• 53:20
  called to be. That's the answer.
• 53:23
  I've got another question before we go into these modules that
• 53:26
  we've kind of outlined the spiritual nature of all of this.
• 53:30
  The fact that God is our Father and the Holy Spirit is very real
• 53:33
  and does amazing things. I've seen it in my own life.
• 53:35
  I've seen it in the world, and it's incredible.
• 53:38
  I've also seen people say, well, if it's God's will, it will
• 53:45
  happen. And so they're end up sticking
• 53:49
  on the same track. I mean, they kind of have this
• 53:51
  kind of faith, but it's not an operationalist faith in
• 53:55
  operationalized faith. And I'm going to make a radical
• 53:57
  change in my life. It's more like if the radical
• 53:59
  change is meant to be, God will do it.
• 54:02
  How do you help disentangle that?
• 54:05
  Because some of that is a good faith to have because it's, you
• 54:08
  know, abandonment to the will of God in one sense.
• 54:10
  But some of it can be dangerous because we forget that we have
• 54:13
  the power to choose. We have the will to move.
• 54:16
  We have a mind to think and I think some people might just get
• 54:20
  on caught up in the daily rhythms and not get out of them
• 54:24
  and to make the actions they need to take because they're
• 54:27
  just say, well, if if you know I God will, God will do it if it's
• 54:30
  supposed to happen. I would love to hear why do you
• 54:32
  think they're doing that and then I'll tell you my answer.
• 54:35
  I think it's probably that's a good question.
• 54:38
  Why? Why would they be doing that?
• 54:40
  I mean, when I'm thinking about things that I have observed or
• 54:44
  maybe Steven struggles in my own life, but when junctures where
• 54:47
  I'm like God, you just take care of it.
• 54:49
  Honestly. Those are good moments though,
• 54:50
  when I do the complete active surrender.
• 54:52
  So I think that is the good part, but I think when I see
• 54:55
  people, I think it's, it is despair.
• 54:58
  I think they don't think it's possible and the only way it is
• 55:01
  possible now that I'm walking it through.
• 55:03
  It's a great question. You're putting me in the
• 55:05
  interview we see here. But they don't actually think
• 55:08
  they can do it. So they think it has to be an
• 55:10
  act of God. And then if God doesn't have an
• 55:13
  act of God, some like supernatural crazy thing
• 55:15
  external to them that it wasn't meant to be.
• 55:18
  So they kind of give up responsibility.
• 55:20
  For it, it will be me or it will be God, right?
• 55:24
  These are two separate things to them.
• 55:27
  They have a skill missing from childhood.
• 55:29
  Their parents never taught them to collaborate and solve a
• 55:33
  problem with that parent. My son comes to me and he has
• 55:37
  challenges and he wants me to fix it for him.
• 55:39
  Come on dad, fix it, fix it, fix it.
• 55:41
  He tries to fix it alone and he says no, don't fix it, fix it.
• 55:44
  I I want to fix it. I want to fix it.
• 55:47
  I teach him that we can fix it together and collaborate.
• 55:50
  We're supposed to collaborate on problem solving.
• 55:53
  A lot of people with insecure attachment believe that it's
• 55:56
  either me completely doing everything alone and then God
• 55:59
  will at the end quietly applaud that I figured it out, or God
• 56:03
  has to do a miracle and make it happen against my will.
• 56:07
  And those are the two options. Because they never learned in
• 56:10
  childhood that a parent will work with you.
• 56:13
  They haven't learned that you can go talk to God and say God,
• 56:15
  under what conditions could I do this?
• 56:17
  God, I know you'll never ask for more than I can do, but you want
• 56:20
  me to do all that I can do for you.
• 56:23
  So what is my level? What is my limit?
• 56:25
  God, how many hours in a day do I have to give to my kids?
• 56:28
  Help me find that God. Most people don't even know they
• 56:31
  can ask God to grow the relationship with God.
• 56:34
  That's the biggest change for most of my faith-based clients
• 56:37
  who come to me for coaching and I say, what's your relationship
• 56:39
  like with God? Oh, I don't know, I wish it was
• 56:42
  more. You ever ask ask him to help you
• 56:43
  make it more. I can do that.
• 56:45
  But yeah, it's a relationship. Can you help me grow our
• 56:49
  relationship? Collaborating with God is the
• 56:52
  core essence of religious faith. Otherwise it's just you pleasing
• 56:57
  an angry, arbitrary figure in the sky.
• 56:59
  And that's not the Catholic or the Orthodox faith.
• 57:01
  It's. So good.
• 57:04
  Yeah. It makes me think actually of
• 57:06
  girl some girlfriends back in the day who were in
• 57:09
  relationships, they should not have been in any new deep down
• 57:11
  they shouldn't be in, but they were waiting for God to just
• 57:14
  magically solve it when they could just break up, you know.
• 57:19
  But the the prayer instead of God solve it is God give me the
• 57:22
  strength to know your will here and to take the action that I
• 57:25
  may be called to make here. Or give me the strength, help me
• 57:28
  do this thing instead of you. Just do it independent of me.
• 57:31
  Because God is not some puppeteer.
• 57:34
  And I think sometimes we either relegate God, we're going to do
• 57:37
  it all on our own where it's all about us, or we want to be a
• 57:40
  puppet and you be the puppeteer. Because I don't want to have to
• 57:42
  deal with my own life. And they're both dead ends.
• 57:45
  Absolutely. One of the saddest moments of my
• 57:47
  life was when a dear friend was deeply suffering, deeply
• 57:52
  suffering. He'd grown up in a family that
• 57:53
  was broken. He never learned to connect to
• 57:55
  his father. He never learned to make those
• 57:57
  positive pieces at all. He could never collaborate with
• 57:59
  anybody. And I remember at the lowest
• 58:01
  point of his life, I was there and he said, what do I do?
• 58:04
  I said, well, I'm not going to push this on you, but have you
• 58:07
  ever considered working with God to fix this?
• 58:11
  And I'll never forget what he said.
• 58:12
  It broke my heart and it still does today, 2020 years later.
• 58:16
  He said no. I think I want to try it on my
• 58:19
  own for a little longer, and that's most people.
• 58:24
  That's really sad. Right.
• 58:25
  I can either do it alone, or I can let some jerk come in and
• 58:29
  take control away from me and force me to do things I don't
• 58:32
  want to do. And that's what.
• 58:35
  The two options, and that's attachment issues because they
• 58:38
  don't believe God is a loving father that they get to work
• 58:41
  with as a loved, beloved son or daughter.
• 58:43
  And that paradigm does it. They've never lived that
• 58:45
  paradigm that they don't understand it.
• 58:47
  And so God is either the angry tyrant or God is.
• 58:52
  Let's make this even easier. Attachment is the beliefs you
• 58:55
  have about relationships and how they will operate and the skills
• 58:59
  you build for those beliefs. No one will ever really care
• 59:03
  about me or work with me, so I will only learn skills to work
• 59:07
  around other people and never work with them.
• 59:10
  That's attachment. It's the skill sets and the
• 59:12
  beliefs, and we overcome it by skills and new experiences that
• 59:17
  change our beliefs. That's the only way to fix
• 59:19
  attachment. And when we have those
• 59:20
  experiences, even if you're 78 years old, my oldest client, 78
• 59:24
  years old, OK, 78 and 79, if you have experiences, it changes
• 59:29
  your brain permanently into those new beliefs.
• 59:32
  God gives you that neuroplasticity to permanently
• 59:35
  change your brain through experience.
• 59:37
  But we have to have experiences and to reach the experiences, we
• 59:40
  have to have skills to generate those experiences.
• 59:44
  This is so good. I want to get I I don't think we
• 59:47
  did it yet. The five levels of attachment
• 59:49
  primer. You kind of just did it in like
• 59:51
  a minute, which was awesome. I'll.
• 59:52
  Show you right now. Can you give us give it to us as
• 59:54
  a foundational piece before we go to the next part?
• 59:56
  Because we I think we did. Did we go through the five
• 59:58
  levels in the last interview? I don't think we did.
• 1:00:01
  Let's. Do it.
• 1:00:01
  So much to do, isn't there? This is exciting, OK.
• 1:00:04
  How do I build a secure child? That's what parents ask me and I
• 1:00:06
  say don't build. They're not an object.
• 1:00:08
  Work with and help them become. How do I help my child become a
• 1:00:12
  secure child? Right, that's the question. 5
• 1:00:15
  levels. Number one, you have to give
• 1:00:17
  safety and trust. Your child's nervous system has
• 1:00:20
  to trust that they are safe in your presence.
• 1:00:22
  We go to Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
• 1:00:24
  Absolute safety of food, water, shelter, right?
• 1:00:27
  Not going to be attacked by a tiger in the forest.
• 1:00:30
  Safety and trust. They have to be safe with you
• 1:00:32
  and trust you in conflict #1 that creates level 2 peace.
• 1:00:38
  This is not an absence of stress.
• 1:00:40
  It is Co regulating together to bring them back to baseline and
• 1:00:43
  teaching them continuous peace and harmony so that they always
• 1:00:47
  feel that your environment is peaceful.
• 1:00:50
  Safety and trust leading into peace.
• 1:00:52
  OK Peace allows us to create the third level of secure attachment
• 1:00:56
  which is order and structure. You can only have order and
• 1:00:59
  structure when your child is regulated.
• 1:01:01
  Parents who don't regulate yell at their children all day long
• 1:01:04
  'cause there's no order or structure involved.
• 1:01:06
  Then you can have rules that people follow and you can
• 1:01:08
  explain why those rules are there, right?
• 1:01:11
  We have the 10 commandments and we are explaining why those 10
• 1:01:13
  commandments are there. We don't have to get zapped by
• 1:01:15
  lightning to be punished. Breaking them brings its own
• 1:01:17
  punishment. The rules are there to protect
• 1:01:19
  us. Order and structure.
• 1:01:21
  Now, so far, we've built boarding school, right?
• 1:01:24
  Safety, peace, order and structure.
• 1:01:26
  Your kids can get that from boarding school.
• 1:01:27
  Here's where parenting steps in. They have connection and
• 1:01:30
  presence. This is where we release
• 1:01:32
  oxytocin bonding. We feel safe, a sense of
• 1:01:35
  belonging. We are cared for.
• 1:01:38
  OK. They have to see you and be
• 1:01:40
  present with you. You can have nights where you
• 1:01:43
  have a blow up or a problem with your kids because most of the
• 1:01:46
  time you're hugging them, you're talking with them, you're asking
• 1:01:49
  them questions, they can be present with you.
• 1:01:51
  You are 100% right that the amount of time does matter.
• 1:01:54
  We need more time, but the quality of that time really
• 1:01:58
  matters. The connection you make human to
• 1:01:59
  human, viewing them as a human. And when you have that, you're
• 1:02:03
  not their best friend. So you have to go one step above
• 1:02:06
  that, even into mentorship and love.
• 1:02:09
  You have to guide them as an adult they will become someday.
• 1:02:12
  When my children are born, my wife puts them in my arms that
• 1:02:15
  first time in the hospital room. I look at them and I make myself
• 1:02:19
  remember that this will be an adult for the most of the time I
• 1:02:23
  know them. So my job begins today to teach
• 1:02:27
  them to become that adult and then to serve God and His
• 1:02:30
  Kingdom for the rest of their lives.
• 1:02:32
  That is my job. So they are already an adult and
• 1:02:35
  a human in that moment and I will treat them with that kind
• 1:02:38
  of that respect and dignity. But I will guide and mentor them
• 1:02:42
  at age appropriate levels and then love to do what is truly,
• 1:02:46
  truly right for them, no matter what that takes.
• 1:02:50
  Even if I have to sacrifice. Even if I have to take them out
• 1:02:52
  of soccer or move cities, I moved.
• 1:02:55
  I moved states so that I could raise my kids in a certain area.
• 1:02:59
  My wife is a stay at home mom and works like a dog at home
• 1:03:02
  with the kids and I work at my job to provide them that.
• 1:03:06
  We've made sacrifices and choices so that we can raise
• 1:03:09
  those children for Our Calling. Those are the five levels of
• 1:03:13
  secure attachment. That is the only way to get
• 1:03:15
  secure attachment and you have to be the kind of parent who can
• 1:03:18
  provide those. It's beautiful.
• 1:03:20
  Is there a bit of a you know, to interpret these levels and how
• 1:03:25
  to live them in your relationship with your child and
• 1:03:28
  I know you can live them with your spouse in in a slightly
• 1:03:31
  different way. But and when other just human
• 1:03:33
  beings in general, but connection and presence leading
• 1:03:36
  into mentorship and love. Your average household,
• 1:03:40
  especially with multiple children involves chaos.
• 1:03:42
  It involves disorder. That's part of the, you know,
• 1:03:46
  fun mix, the bubbling mix of life.
• 1:03:48
  Again, you want to, you want to have systems, you want to work
• 1:03:51
  on that to, you know, build channels.
• 1:03:52
  But you know, every big family that I've ever met, you know
• 1:03:55
  there's going to be some chaos because there's human beings
• 1:03:58
  that you're shepherding, right? I've got 5 kids and my youngest
• 1:04:01
  son, he's almost 3 and he's taken to drawing jellyfishes on
• 1:04:05
  the walls with any markers his his siblings leave out.
• 1:04:07
  Lovely. There is a level of chaos that
• 1:04:10
  is present in a family because kids play, they grow, they
• 1:04:13
  learn, they're great. Things, and that's part but.
• 1:04:16
  The order and structure is the system around them that protects
• 1:04:20
  them, that guides them, that nurtures them, that keeps you
• 1:04:23
  sane and balanced and them sane and balanced.
• 1:04:25
  I can deal with the occasional jellyfish as long as I know that
• 1:04:29
  they are learning, they are safe, they are growing.
• 1:04:31
  They. Respect daily jellyfish.
• 1:04:33
  Daily jellyfish is tough because we have to stop.
• 1:04:35
  One of my friends who has seven kids, Yep.
• 1:04:38
  Little kids, Yep, there's not a daily jellyfish, but there's a
• 1:04:42
  daily something and an hourly something.
• 1:04:45
  But but I but I'm what I was. What I'm wondering is with the
• 1:04:50
  order and structure, you have the baseline, whatever you can
• 1:04:52
  create and you're working on it, right?
• 1:04:54
  That's part of any mother or father family life.
• 1:04:57
  But I think what I see here is what is higher than that.
• 1:05:00
  You need some of that, but what is higher than that is
• 1:05:02
  connection and presence. So even if the laundry isn't
• 1:05:05
  done, if there's a jellyfish on the wall, if someone spilled the
• 1:05:07
  milk, the most important thing still is, Yeah, you want to make
• 1:05:12
  progress towards order as best you can, but the most important
• 1:05:14
  thing is the connection, presence, mentorship and love.
• 1:05:17
  Yes, I'll say. This and that's why you put them
• 1:05:18
  higher on the list A. 100% I'll say this to moms.
• 1:05:21
  Clean socks does not create secure attachment.
• 1:05:25
  Your presence creates secure attachment.
• 1:05:28
  Yes, your children need mostly mostly clean socks, but they
• 1:05:32
  need your presence more because when they're an adult, that's
• 1:05:35
  what's going to serve them. And by presence, you don't just
• 1:05:38
  mean because you had this thing in here saying like 12 hours of
• 1:05:41
  presence versus, you know, whatever an hour of, of actually
• 1:05:44
  focused intentional presence. Because you can have, I mean,
• 1:05:49
  I've heard the stories of, of families where they had a very,
• 1:05:55
  a lot of time with the parents, with even both parents, but
• 1:05:58
  there was depression or there was neglect or whatever.
• 1:06:01
  And that was not secure attachment for them.
• 1:06:04
  That was not actually being present, even though they were
• 1:06:07
  present. Yes, the most abusive parents
• 1:06:08
  actually prefer to spend a lot of time with their families
• 1:06:11
  because they can control them and shape them and hurt them and
• 1:06:13
  get joyful experiences at their expense.
• 1:06:16
  So it's not the quality of time at the quantity of time that
• 1:06:19
  really impacts everything. Yes, we do need a certain
• 1:06:22
  quantity of time, but you sitting with your child checked
• 1:06:27
  out for three hours because you're so stressed out and
• 1:06:30
  you're flipping on your phone watching TikTok with the sound
• 1:06:33
  off and they're sitting on top of you watching cartoons checked
• 1:06:36
  out and they shake your shoulder for attention.
• 1:06:38
  You say just watch your cartoon, watch cartoon, watch cartoon. 3
• 1:06:41
  hours of that versus 10 minutes of sitting and talking with your
• 1:06:46
  kid, doing a puzzle with them, asking about their day, asking
• 1:06:49
  what their favorite things are and why, asking what favorite
• 1:06:53
  part of their day there was and why why why the why questions to
• 1:06:57
  understand more about them. 10 minutes can create secure
• 1:07:01
  attachment or three hours can break it.
• 1:07:04
  Why do you think parents and that we did this with Erica
• 1:07:08
  Commissar and she had some very profound things to say.
• 1:07:10
  I'm and I'm sure your yours will be a similar vein, but I'm
• 1:07:13
  curious, why it do you think it? Why do you think especially
• 1:07:17
  mothers, we're talking about mothers for a moment here, has
• 1:07:19
  such difficulty today to do that peaceful present engagement with
• 1:07:26
  their children. That can be really hard for some
• 1:07:28
  moms. Some moms love it.
• 1:07:30
  It comes more naturally, but there's someone new that that's
• 1:07:33
  really hard for them. It could also be seasonal.
• 1:07:37
  Two reasons. One is our absolute shattering
• 1:07:39
  of all of our family structures. We talked about this last time.
• 1:07:42
  Women are more alone than they've ever been, more
• 1:07:44
  isolated, more, more depressed, more anxious, more scared, more
• 1:07:48
  overwhelmed. They're increasingly having to
• 1:07:50
  pay more and more money into the home and and provide and work
• 1:07:53
  more jobs. There's so much stacked against
• 1:07:56
  women right now, right? There's a lot.
• 1:07:58
  So they are dysregulated, scared and nervous and they're just
• 1:08:01
  trying to get through a day. So they give their kids what
• 1:08:02
  they can. The biggest thing they can do is
• 1:08:05
  learn the basic nervous system regulation through body
• 1:08:08
  techniques. Physical techniques.
• 1:08:11
  In our course we talked about the physical techniques you as a
• 1:08:13
  parent must be doing. It's not your mind.
• 1:08:16
  Most women have been tricked into believing that you have to
• 1:08:18
  just like convince yourself and be more logical.
• 1:08:20
  Your body is the answer to your nervous system, not your brain.
• 1:08:24
  If your brain was going to work, it would work by now.
• 1:08:25
  It doesn't work that way. Body techniques to ground
• 1:08:28
  yourself and show yourself. Show your kids that you're doing
• 1:08:30
  it. Guys, mommy is really stressed
• 1:08:32
  out. After work we got laundry to do.
• 1:08:34
  I'm going to take 5 minutes to just breathe and stretch.
• 1:08:37
  Do you guys want to do it with me?
• 1:08:39
  You start this with your one year old, your 2 year old or
• 1:08:41
  three-year old, they grow up doing it with you and they learn
• 1:08:44
  better coping skills. So they don't grow up stressed
• 1:08:46
  out and start drinking instead. So you, you, you build your,
• 1:08:51
  your stress reduction physically and with your children, number
• 1:08:54
  one. Number two, and this will be a
• 1:08:56
  little bit of a weird take, but and I was thinking about this
• 1:08:58
  this morning, we have created so many modern conveniences that
• 1:09:02
  have eliminated the opportunity for side by side chores that now
• 1:09:07
  it's mom is running around frantically throwing things into
• 1:09:10
  this machine, that machine, that machine, that machine.
• 1:09:12
  So her life is endlessly alone in her tasks versus before.
• 1:09:17
  Hey kids, come with me. We will go down to the river and
• 1:09:19
  bang out the laundry. Hey kids, let's go take a three
• 1:09:22
  mile walk to get water and on the way we will talk side by
• 1:09:27
  side. Time is actually what moms could
• 1:09:29
  be investing in. Most moms are trying to invest
• 1:09:31
  in face to FaceTime. They want to sit down with their
• 1:09:33
  kid with a cup of coffee. How you doing kid?
• 1:09:35
  What are we doing? How you feeling today?
• 1:09:37
  This is all that moms know. Or they have to do the child's
• 1:09:39
  play or they have to do child when a lot of a child's
• 1:09:42
  development is learning adult, it's like playing at adult
• 1:09:45
  tasks, right? But if you're doing the adult
• 1:09:47
  tasks, I actually there's such a fascinating comment you're
• 1:09:50
  making because I remember just the other night we were I was
• 1:09:52
  loading the dishwasher. My son really wanted to help me,
• 1:09:55
  which I love. I was trying to have help me
• 1:09:57
  like this dishwasher is terrible for having a child help because
• 1:10:00
  the sink of this high they had the stools.
• 1:10:02
  They both wanted to do it and I was like, I they actually really
• 1:10:06
  could do this, but if we designed this a little
• 1:10:07
  differently, if the kitchen was designed differently.
• 1:10:10
  What are you willing to invest? I will buy 75 step stools for
• 1:10:14
  each room of my house. Right.
• 1:10:15
  Whatever it is. My kids, my wife gets them
• 1:10:17
  started cooking safely. The tricky part?
• 1:10:20
  1 year old. Our house is that there's like
• 1:10:22
  a, there's the design is the dishwasher's here, the sink is
• 1:10:25
  here and there's something and there's like a cabinet.
• 1:10:28
  So they, the the there's like this, not so I don't know.
• 1:10:32
  I'll talk to my husband like we need to move the dishwasher.
• 1:10:35
  Adam says we dish to renovate our house next.
• 1:10:37
  To the sink. That's it.
• 1:10:39
  But if if women can include their children and more, they
• 1:10:43
  can actually guide, mentor and teach and your stress level may
• 1:10:45
  go down. It'll go up at first when you're
• 1:10:47
  teaching. My wife tries to, she puts a
• 1:10:49
  spoon in our one year old's hand and holds her near and she stirs
• 1:10:52
  the eggs when they cook them. But she teaches the kids these
• 1:10:55
  skills so that the kids, number one, yes, can grow into them
• 1:10:58
  over time. But that time together is
• 1:11:00
  precious. That's loving, that's bonding,
• 1:11:02
  that's intimacy, talking, sharing during these
• 1:11:05
  experiences. This is what humans have always
• 1:11:07
  done. Our chores are times to bond.
• 1:11:10
  Don't think of it as shore time, kid time.
• 1:11:13
  Think of it as parenting time. Guiding them, teaching them,
• 1:11:18
  talking with them. And if the chore takes longer,
• 1:11:21
  let that be part. Of the parenting.
• 1:11:22
  Amazing. Your chore took longer.
• 1:11:24
  You got even more time to talk. Erica Commissar had one other
• 1:11:29
  theory that she posited, which was and it makes a lot of sense
• 1:11:32
  to me and I think I think you'll appreciate this, but I'm curious
• 1:11:34
  your thoughts. She was saying, well, because so
• 1:11:37
  many mothers we're not really mothered and they, and this
• 1:11:41
  comes back to attachment. I don't know that she used the
• 1:11:43
  language of attachment. She might have, but because they
• 1:11:46
  didn't experience a mother really enjoying them and
• 1:11:50
  enjoying motherhood like a child.
• 1:11:51
  If they, if their mother doesn't seem to enjoy motherhood, the
• 1:11:54
  child, it affects the child. And because of that, when now
• 1:11:58
  she, this child that wasn't enjoyed as a child is now having
• 1:12:01
  to mother. Motherhood is not an enjoyable
• 1:12:03
  thing. Why would you want a mother?
• 1:12:05
  And it's a chore and it's scary and she doesn't know how to do
• 1:12:07
  it and she doesn't want to do it.
• 1:12:09
  And there's, I think honestly, I think that's why a lot of women
• 1:12:12
  today, like statistically, they have these new surveys coming
• 1:12:15
  out for women. There is the larger majority,
• 1:12:19
  larger amount of men want to have kids today than women of
• 1:12:22
  the same cohort, same age, less women than men want to have kids
• 1:12:26
  today. And I think it's so, yeah.
• 1:12:30
  What is your take on all that? Well, women are actually, and
• 1:12:33
  this is interesting, are biologically designed not to
• 1:12:36
  have a sex drive or have a desire for children when they
• 1:12:39
  don't feel safe. And most women feel so
• 1:12:41
  overwhelmingly unsafe that they can't even imagine the
• 1:12:45
  conditions for having a child. This is so important what you
• 1:12:51
  just said. The problem is a lack of safety
• 1:12:55
  for her psychologically, physically and on the sex topic.
• 1:13:00
  I know it's a little segue here but people like men like sex and
• 1:13:03
  women like connection. No, women like sex too, but they
• 1:13:05
  want connection first. Like I, I actually have a
• 1:13:08
  personal animus, not animus, but like when people are like, when
• 1:13:12
  are men love sex women? And this conversation comes up
• 1:13:15
  when it comes to sexual ethics and we get into all that live
• 1:13:17
  action and with the show and like actually women, women are
• 1:13:20
  designed to love sex, but they're not going to love sex if
• 1:13:22
  they are not safe. Correct?
• 1:13:25
  So it's not, it's not a sex issue, it's a safety issue.
• 1:13:27
  It's a connection issue. Yes, under what conditions would
• 1:13:30
  a woman love sex? Now we have a conversation.
• 1:13:33
  And under what conditions would a woman love motherhood?
• 1:13:35
  Yes. And being pregnant.
• 1:13:38
  That's how we solve the problem. How do we create a situation
• 1:13:42
  where women feel safe and love motherhood?
• 1:13:45
  If you can build that, you have women flooding back into the
• 1:13:48
  system ready to have children. Now a question on that.
• 1:13:52
  I do feel that there's something else happening where there are
• 1:13:56
  some women that seem very privileged and they still don't
• 1:13:58
  want kids, meaning they have at least material.
• 1:14:01
  They're married and you know, they're married.
• 1:14:03
  They seem to have material goods.
• 1:14:06
  They don't have that much of A stressful life, it seems.
• 1:14:08
  But they're still anxious, They're still unhappy.
• 1:14:11
  And maybe they wouldn't say they're unhappy, but there's an
• 1:14:13
  unhappiness there and they still don't want kids.
• 1:14:15
  What do you make of these ladies?
• 1:14:16
  So there's four. Sometimes they're called the cat
• 1:14:17
  ladies, but like. I know, I know it well.
• 1:14:20
  There's 4 levels of safety that a woman has to experience.
• 1:14:22
  There's physical safety, there's resource safety, but there's
• 1:14:26
  also emotional safety, and then there is bonding safety, knowing
• 1:14:30
  that she is truly cared for by her partner who will stay with
• 1:14:33
  her. She has to feel safe in all of
• 1:14:35
  these. And not only that, but then her
• 1:14:37
  larger network. Am I safe having children or am
• 1:14:40
  IA Frontiers woman in the cabin somewhere?
• 1:14:42
  Or no one's going to take care of me, right?
• 1:14:45
  If she feels utterly and completely alone or she's never
• 1:14:47
  felt emotionally safe in her life.
• 1:14:49
  Most women haven't because they didn't have a father figure
• 1:14:51
  guiding them that way. There is no safety even if they
• 1:14:54
  have all the money in the world. Most of my female clients who
• 1:14:57
  are afraid have more money than the man does, and they're still
• 1:15:01
  absolutely terrified. No, because there's no emotional
• 1:15:03
  safety there. What if a woman said you though?
• 1:15:05
  I do. I am safe, I've got things
• 1:15:06
  figured, I've got a great friend group and I still don't want a
• 1:15:08
  kid. What would you say is driving
• 1:15:10
  that? Very few women have ever told me
• 1:15:12
  that to my face because most of them say I feel so unsafe and
• 1:15:16
  don't know why. Very few women will ever tell
• 1:15:18
  you they really feel safe anymore.
• 1:15:22
  That is a project right there. Societally.
• 1:15:25
  I mean, we're doing some of the work at live action, like pro
• 1:15:27
  family policy, education, you know, positive, you know,
• 1:15:30
  celebrating motherhood, connecting people to resources.
• 1:15:33
  But it is a project. What's the man's role in all of
• 1:15:38
  that? Because men have their own huge
• 1:15:41
  burdens on their backs. They do, but they still seem to
• 1:15:44
  want kids. What's going on there?
• 1:15:47
  Men are designed not to be more resilient or designed to be more
• 1:15:50
  rigid. Very little can sway us from
• 1:15:52
  what we're supposed to do, But that also means we're not
• 1:15:54
  versatile and we tend to break more.
• 1:15:56
  Women can adapt. Women can shift and change, OK?
• 1:16:00
  Men want what they want because we are designed to provide
• 1:16:04
  safety and create those 4 levels of safety so that we can
• 1:16:07
  facilitate the growth of the next next generation.
• 1:16:11
  Most men today are horrendously depressed because they either
• 1:16:14
  can't provide safety or they have no one to provide safety to
• 1:16:18
  and that's a big problem. Men have purposelessness right
• 1:16:21
  now, and they feel blocked from ever finding it.
• 1:16:23
  Some are blocked because they don't believe women will ever be
• 1:16:25
  kind and loyal to them, so they're afraid of building a
• 1:16:28
  family. Others feel blocked because they
• 1:16:30
  feel there's no pathway to advance to create safety for a
• 1:16:32
  family. But men are blocked from doing
• 1:16:35
  their one job on this planet, which is to create safety for
• 1:16:38
  others. What's so devastating about that
• 1:16:40
  we're talking about building families and parenting here is
• 1:16:42
  if if the woman needs to feel safe and the man has an
• 1:16:46
  essential role in building that safety for her, but he doesn't
• 1:16:49
  feel that he can build the safety he feels he has to build,
• 1:16:52
  right. You can't do the project like it
• 1:16:55
  doesn't. It's a non starter.
• 1:16:57
  What is your take? And I know this is a huge topic
• 1:17:00
  here, but the chronic challenges that men are facing today where
• 1:17:03
  they don't feel like they can make out their way in the world
• 1:17:05
  and economics is a huge part of that.
• 1:17:09
  I mean, being able to support a family today is a very different
• 1:17:12
  question than it was for our parents.
• 1:17:14
  Generation was 30-40 years ago, inflation, you know the two
• 1:17:17
  income household the way, you know, obviously the way that
• 1:17:22
  technology has replaced number of jobs as part of it.
• 1:17:24
  But I think there's other jobs that have been come out of
• 1:17:26
  technology of course. But what do you think is the
• 1:17:28
  solution largely to that? Yeah.
• 1:17:31
  It's a huge topic. Huge problem.
• 1:17:32
  I just did a whole talk on this on Chris Williamson's Modern
• 1:17:35
  Wisdom recently. Amazing.
• 1:17:37
  It's an hour and a half conversation.
• 1:17:38
  They're just about this topic. But we do need to make a shift
• 1:17:42
  as a culture, as a society, because the questions we asked,
• 1:17:45
  the eight question cascade, what are you willing to invest?
• 1:17:48
  What is the cost of waiting? Our culture and society are
• 1:17:51
  falling apart and we are really at a turning point.
• 1:17:54
  We have to make a change for families.
• 1:17:56
  Is that political? Economic.
• 1:17:59
  I think Who's making that change?
• 1:18:00
  You and I are trying to make changes, training, color other
• 1:18:03
  people to personally make changes on the public policy
• 1:18:06
  front. Is it like an economic policy?
• 1:18:08
  You know, I believe Ronald Reagan said the scariest words
• 1:18:11
  in the English language are I'm from the government and I'm here
• 1:18:13
  to help, right? I don't think the government is
• 1:18:15
  going to solve this. I think they need to get out of
• 1:18:17
  the way. Give us our money back.
• 1:18:19
  Give us our money back. But we also have to.
• 1:18:21
  We have to change the way some laws function.
• 1:18:23
  We have to change the way society functions.
• 1:18:25
  We have to change what we view as the most important thing.
• 1:18:29
  We have to make policies that take care of families, Right.
• 1:18:32
  I have five kids, soon to be 6. It would be great to have some
• 1:18:36
  tax money come back so I can pay for those things.
• 1:18:39
  I homeschool my kids, be great to not pay into the public
• 1:18:42
  systems I don't believe in and keep that money to educate them.
• 1:18:45
  There's a lot of things we could shift, but we also have to make
• 1:18:48
  a change between men and women who are right now being taught
• 1:18:51
  that the other side is the scum of the earth and will hurt you.
• 1:18:54
  We have to bring those back together and say we are meant to
• 1:18:57
  live in harmony. Here's how we do that.
• 1:18:59
  We have to prioritize motherhood as a society.
• 1:19:02
  Right now we spit on it. We have to guide that back.
• 1:19:05
  Amen celebrated as a as a as a aspirational good thing that
• 1:19:09
  people can not just aspire to, but live.
• 1:19:11
  But the family policy. I mean that is life actions
• 1:19:13
  increasing focus along with protect unborn babies.
• 1:19:16
  That's pro family policy and pushing for pro family policy
• 1:19:20
  because that's is one way the government can get out of the
• 1:19:23
  way and reinvest back into the American family.
• 1:19:26
  OK, let's do a couple of these mini modules that we shows as
• 1:19:29
  electives here from the parenting guide.
• 1:19:31
  But negotiation. Yeah, most parents think they
• 1:19:36
  have to dictate to their child or through peaceful parenting,
• 1:19:39
  they have think they they have to let the child set the tone
• 1:19:41
  and ask the child. But everything's a negotiation,
• 1:19:44
  right? You and me, we negotiate on
• 1:19:46
  things, right as a healthy structure.
• 1:19:49
  You and your husband, you guys probably don't just just don't
• 1:19:51
  just announce to him what you're going to be doing next.
• 1:19:54
  He doesn't announce things to you.
• 1:19:56
  He doesn't beg you. You guys sit down and you have a
• 1:19:58
  negotiation, right? Here's what I'm thinking.
• 1:20:00
  What are you thinking? How can we do this together?
• 1:20:03
  How do we take? Care of my husband.
• 1:20:04
  Such a good negotiation. I'm like nothing we're talking
• 1:20:08
  about in that terms. He's he's, he's fantastic,
• 1:20:11
  right? But.
• 1:20:11
  Let me ask but. He's very loving about.
• 1:20:13
  Yes, there we go. That's why it's so.
• 1:20:14
  It's like, it's a pleasant experience for me.
• 1:20:16
  It's not like. He's not doing it to take from
• 1:20:18
  you. It's not a transaction.
• 1:20:20
  But he he has his line. Yeah, I'm sure.
• 1:20:23
  I'm sure he does. And you have. 3 year old they're
• 1:20:25
  very good at. Does he let you have your line?
• 1:20:27
  Yes. Does he ask you your line?
• 1:20:29
  Yes, right. Does he negotiate in the in the
• 1:20:31
  middle ground, between the lines?
• 1:20:33
  That's a negotiation skill. And all that is is a skill.
• 1:20:36
  He was trained in that. He was actually, yeah, that's.
• 1:20:39
  That's the thing, you can train and you must train your children
• 1:20:43
  into it. Now, that doesn't mean you walk
• 1:20:46
  in and say, OK, kid, you set the tone and I'll just follow you.
• 1:20:48
  You walk in and you do you do with your children like he does
• 1:20:51
  with you. What is your line?
• 1:20:53
  Here's mine. Here's where we are.
• 1:20:54
  What what middle ground do we have to play with?
• 1:20:56
  What's your capacity? Here's my capacity.
• 1:20:59
  What do you need from me? Here's what I need from you.
• 1:21:00
  How do we build a situation and a solution where we both win and
• 1:21:04
  the relationship wins and then it goes forward so that our next
• 1:21:07
  negotiations even easier for the rest of our life.
• 1:21:10
  How do we win together forever? That's a negotiation skill.
• 1:21:14
  And most parents aren't regulated enough to do this.
• 1:21:16
  And they've never been taught this.
• 1:21:18
  So they think everything's a fight and a confrontation and a
• 1:21:21
  battle. So now it's you walk into your
• 1:21:23
  kid and they don't care about me.
• 1:21:25
  They just want to take from me. I got to put up a wall and
• 1:21:28
  prevent them from doing that because they're just a little
• 1:21:30
  snot. All right, kid, here's what
• 1:21:31
  you're going to get today. This is all you're allowed to
• 1:21:33
  have. No, don't ask me for that or my
• 1:21:36
  parents are always mean to me. So I'm going to give my kid
• 1:21:37
  everything they asked for, right?
• 1:21:39
  There's no negotiation happening.
• 1:21:41
  You have to get down to their level and negotiate with them.
• 1:21:44
  OK, what are the steps for negotiating with a child?
• 1:21:48
  And it's also funny that we're even discussing this because I
• 1:21:51
  think your average parent, it would be like negotiate I'm the
• 1:21:55
  parent or negotiate, they're too little for that.
• 1:21:58
  So you kind of explained, I think you did explain why
• 1:22:02
  negotiation is important, but why?
• 1:22:04
  Why does it matter for secure attachment?
• 1:22:06
  And what are the steps of negotiation that you recommend
• 1:22:09
  to parents? Great question.
• 1:22:11
  And there's, there are a number of really important steps,
• 1:22:13
  especially for adults that I teach in my marriage course.
• 1:22:15
  I'm going to break it down to the three simplest steps you can
• 1:22:18
  do with your child here today. OK, 3 simplest steps is this
• 1:22:21
  number one. First, before you start
• 1:22:23
  dictating to them what your desires are, ask them what their
• 1:22:27
  targets are. What are their lines?
• 1:22:28
  What are their needs? What's their capacity?
• 1:22:30
  Start by asking more questions and being more curious.
• 1:22:33
  Like you want teddy bear? Right.
• 1:22:35
  Well, like OK, help me understand.
• 1:22:37
  Like why? What do you need?
• 1:22:38
  Is this too? Can this work on a two or
• 1:22:40
  three-year old? It can work on pretty much
• 1:22:41
  anybody who has the ability to use sentences or two or three
• 1:22:45
  words together. I do this with my three-year
• 1:22:47
  old. When he's calmed and regulated,
• 1:22:49
  I do this with him. Now getting him calmed and
• 1:22:53
  regulated is is step zero. Maybe.
• 1:22:55
  But once he is having a conversation with him, hey, what
• 1:22:58
  are you? What are you needing from me?
• 1:22:59
  Really, what are you needing from me?
• 1:23:01
  Do you? Personalize it that much.
• 1:23:02
  What do you need from me? Yeah, make that personal.
• 1:23:04
  What do you want? It's like, what do you need from
• 1:23:06
  me? And what's the need underneath
• 1:23:08
  that? Like you want a cookie?
• 1:23:09
  But well, tell me more. Are you, are you hungry?
• 1:23:12
  Are you bored? Are you sad?
• 1:23:14
  Are you? What it?
• 1:23:16
  What is it? What's creating that hunger?
• 1:23:18
  Help me understand. What if he says I just like the
• 1:23:20
  way it tastes? He doesn't say that he actually
• 1:23:23
  has a reason that he wants it. I'm hungry.
• 1:23:26
  I they make me happy is some. Sometimes I think, OK, well, you
• 1:23:30
  want to feel happy right now. Do you not feel happy?
• 1:23:33
  Are you bored? If you're bored, let's go play a
• 1:23:35
  game. How do we fill your emotional
• 1:23:37
  cup with something that's not a cookie?
• 1:23:38
  Yes, absolutely. Nothing else fun you can do.
• 1:23:41
  Right now there's times and places for cookies now.
• 1:23:43
  We're negotiating, correct? What is your real need?
• 1:23:46
  How do I take care of you? OK kid, here's my side.
• 1:23:49
  I need to make sure you don't eat 16 cookies a day because
• 1:23:52
  you're going to get sick. So you want to be happy and I
• 1:23:55
  want you to be happy and also be well.
• 1:23:58
  What can we do? What are 5 things we could do
• 1:24:00
  right now? That sounds so fun for you to be
• 1:24:02
  happy, that will also make you really good and well, what can
• 1:24:04
  we do? Right?
• 1:24:06
  We can take care of that. I'm really hungry dad, and a
• 1:24:08
  cookie sounds good. How about a glass of milk and
• 1:24:11
  some meat or or something like that?
• 1:24:13
  Like like like let's feed you, let's take care of you.
• 1:24:16
  I'm lonely dad and I just want a cookie because it makes me feel
• 1:24:19
  well. Why don't we hop on my
• 1:24:21
  shoulders? I will run you around the house
• 1:24:22
  for a while. Why don't we go play that game
• 1:24:24
  right? You you ask what their needs
• 1:24:28
  are, you tell them yours. Then you just build a solution
• 1:24:31
  that meets both. Most people say, well, I don't
• 1:24:34
  know if I can build a solution. Yes, you can.
• 1:24:36
  The problem is that you don't ask questions, so you just
• 1:24:39
  think. You think of your needs and then
• 1:24:42
  you guess theirs. And then you try to build a
• 1:24:45
  solution based on guessing, but you're already stressed out so
• 1:24:48
  it's not working. Stop, ask, share, build.
• 1:24:54
  Then they feel like you've actually heard them and you care
• 1:24:56
  about them. This is treating a child like a
• 1:24:58
  human being, going back to not treating them like an object or
• 1:25:01
  an animal, right? You've, you, you guess what an
• 1:25:04
  animal needs. You learn what a child needs.
• 1:25:09
  So those are the three steps. Stop and share or ask that's.
• 1:25:13
  What most parents do stop a chair.
• 1:25:14
  Most. Right on this test give me the
• 1:25:17
  three steps. Repair is always possible, Lila.
• 1:25:20
  OK step 0. Make sure you're both calmed and
• 1:25:23
  regulated so you can do this. OK, step one.
• 1:25:26
  Ask what they. Need.
• 1:25:27
  Oh yeah, ask first. Do this.
• 1:25:29
  Do this with your husband, your spouse, your friend.
• 1:25:31
  Always ask people first. If you start talking at them
• 1:25:34
  first, they're already stressed out and then they start thinking
• 1:25:37
  of ways that you're wrong and they start thinking that you're
• 1:25:39
  going to take from them. They get scared.
• 1:25:40
  When you ask people first, they open up the entire conversation.
• 1:25:44
  Our nervous systems love to be asked.
• 1:25:47
  OK, ask first. Share Build solution Together
• 1:25:52
  123. So good, so simple.
• 1:25:57
  I'm thinking about the other day when we were talking about last
• 1:25:59
  night with the with the fighting and then I had the headache.
• 1:26:02
  What ended up happening as I would I lay on the couch and
• 1:26:06
  there was like let's have fun snuggle time on the couch and
• 1:26:08
  they actually were into it. They were all like just was to
• 1:26:10
  relax, read books, just be here. I've I've another tool is
• 1:26:14
  playing doctor If you're feeling tired as a parent.
• 1:26:16
  Allison Armstrong taught me this actually with another podcast
• 1:26:19
  guest recently, the Kingsway the relationship coach lady.
• 1:26:22
  But she would think she would tell her kids, mom's not feeling
• 1:26:24
  well and she would say, do you want to, you know, let's all
• 1:26:27
  let's just rest. You guys can rub my head or we
• 1:26:29
  can read a book or you guys can play doctor like.
• 1:26:32
  But asking them first to your point is a great starting place.
• 1:26:38
  Invite their participation in that way.
• 1:26:40
  It's how you teach them that someone should treat them like a
• 1:26:42
  human being. And then when they go forward,
• 1:26:45
  anytime someone doesn't ask them things, they stop and say, hey,
• 1:26:49
  you don't even know what I want. We should have a conversation
• 1:26:53
  1st. And if that person refuses, they
• 1:26:55
  walk away. That's how you build a secure
• 1:26:58
  child who's resilient against manipulation, by the way.
• 1:27:00
  Wow, and they develop healthy relationships and friends,
• 1:27:03
  business and marriage. Because they don't settle for
• 1:27:06
  less. So good.
• 1:27:08
  OK, so ask first stop and ask, then share, then share, then
• 1:27:13
  build, then build. I love that.
• 1:27:15
  OK, I want to just really quick ask about the family dinner.
• 1:27:18
  You mentioned that earlier. What would be your tips for a
• 1:27:21
  family dinner, especially when you're dealing with young
• 1:27:23
  children that you think make this like the loving
• 1:27:25
  environment? Because I do think a lot of
• 1:27:28
  family dinners can be very chaotic when you're having
• 1:27:31
  little ones involved and it's throwing food.
• 1:27:34
  And I also see at restaurants a lot, the family comes in and the
• 1:27:37
  kids are on iPads. My husband and I were out with
• 1:27:41
  our kids and we did have crayons.
• 1:27:43
  So that's not like they didn't have an activity because they
• 1:27:45
  had the little, but there were just it was like, and I think it
• 1:27:49
  was a where were we? It was like a nicer place that
• 1:27:52
  which made it even more sad. Like this was like a special
• 1:27:55
  experience that could be had and it was oh, we were in
• 1:27:58
  Jacksonville, Wyoming for a family wedding and this is like
• 1:28:01
  a beautiful, fun place These and I could tell the family was
• 1:28:04
  tourists. And again, I'm not trying to
• 1:28:05
  like hyper judge this poor family, but it's something
• 1:28:08
  that's very common today that you see screens replacing
• 1:28:12
  interaction. Yes, so talk about replacement.
• 1:28:15
  Coloring with crayons releases serotonin and endorphins, good
• 1:28:20
  brain chemicals. Staring at a tablet floods you
• 1:28:24
  with an overwhelming amount of dopamine that's not natural to
• 1:28:27
  any normal human experience. So it creates chemical addiction
• 1:28:31
  that can actually invoke seizures later when you take the
• 1:28:34
  tablets away. So brain chemicals being fully
• 1:28:37
  replaced, yes, Understand right there that a family dinner
• 1:28:41
  should release serotonin and oxytocin.
• 1:28:44
  Those are the two brain chemicals we're looking for.
• 1:28:46
  Oxytocin releases when we feel calm, safe, and a sense of
• 1:28:50
  belonging. If you're going to have a family
• 1:28:53
  dinner, someone's got to do the cooking.
• 1:28:54
  The kids should be involved in that.
• 1:28:56
  Someone's got to set the table, The kids should be involved in
• 1:28:58
  that. The kids should help you craft
• 1:29:00
  the family dinner so that you're all building it together so they
• 1:29:03
  have a hand in it. Maybe your one year old, right
• 1:29:06
  isn't pulling the pot roast out of the oven, but they're helping
• 1:29:09
  you baste it. Or they're setting the table
• 1:29:11
  with the plates, or they're carrying.
• 1:29:13
  My little one year old carries the spoons.
• 1:29:15
  She grabs all the spoons and she runs really hard to the table
• 1:29:18
  with all these spoons in her little fists.
• 1:29:20
  They can do that. They can create the dinner with
• 1:29:22
  you. You also need to explain to them
• 1:29:24
  that this is our time together as a family to grow and bond.
• 1:29:27
  So you know you need to brush up on questions.
• 1:29:30
  You can ask a lot of those not. Just parents to child, but
• 1:29:34
  she'll invite the children to ask.
• 1:29:35
  Correct and follow up questions are key.
• 1:29:38
  Most parents ask initial questions.
• 1:29:40
  What are your hobbies? What are your interests?
• 1:29:42
  What you do at school? Basic that have nothing.
• 1:29:45
  They don't stack on each other. Why?
• 1:29:48
  What did you do at school? What about that was fun for you?
• 1:29:51
  What about that was challenging for you?
• 1:29:53
  Is that often challenging? Is that something you'd like to
• 1:29:55
  work on with me down the road? Cool, we won't do it now, but
• 1:29:57
  later we can. What else was fun today?
• 1:30:00
  What are you looking forward to in the future?
• 1:30:02
  Why, Why? Why is a great series of
• 1:30:04
  questions. My wife and I, we love to read
• 1:30:07
  the Bible at the table. At the dinner table.
• 1:30:09
  At the dinner table. Short passage not not.
• 1:30:11
  Cover the pages in plastic. Right.
• 1:30:14
  We just have to. Buy one year old is over here.
• 1:30:16
  Right. Yeah, We buy them frequently.
• 1:30:17
  That's what we have to do. But you go through a short
• 1:30:21
  passage, my wife reads it and she says, dad, what does that
• 1:30:24
  mean? Lovely.
• 1:30:26
  And I say, well, and I, I put on my theology, do my best and I
• 1:30:30
  say, here's what it means to me. Here's what I'm thinking it
• 1:30:33
  means. And then we go to other kids and
• 1:30:35
  say, you know, what does this mean maybe for you?
• 1:30:37
  What does this mean for you? We, we reflect on it and it's
• 1:30:40
  fun. It's not sitting there
• 1:30:42
  miserable. Well, what does it mean for you?
• 1:30:43
  What do you think it could mean? It's maybe one of them makes a
• 1:30:46
  joke and we laugh. And then we say, OK, well, what
• 1:30:48
  does it mean for you? What?
• 1:30:49
  And we go back and forth. It's play time.
• 1:30:52
  A family dinner should be playful.
• 1:30:55
  We play when we are in our rest and digest nervous system.
• 1:30:58
  Parasympathetic. Again, regulation.
• 1:31:00
  Most of the people watching the show right now, The problem is
• 1:31:03
  that they aren't regulated. Their nervous system is so
• 1:31:05
  chaotic. Regulating first, getting your
• 1:31:08
  kids involved in crafting the dinner.
• 1:31:10
  Being playful at the dinner. Having rules and structure.
• 1:31:13
  Back to the pieces, right? No throwing of food, right?
• 1:31:16
  No throwing your food. That is a problem, but making
• 1:31:19
  jokes is OK, right? Laughing should be, but.
• 1:31:23
  Don't laugh at the one year old throwing the food because then
• 1:31:25
  she'll think it's a game. Correct.
• 1:31:26
  It is still funny, but we also guide and teach.
• 1:31:29
  Yes, it is a playful energy that is continuous.
• 1:31:32
  It is not. We are sitting down to eat a
• 1:31:34
  dinner and get done as fast as possible.
• 1:31:36
  It's not this is my time to talk to my wife.
• 1:31:38
  All the kids shut up, right? It is not lecture time.
• 1:31:43
  It is not. Tell me what you did wrong at
• 1:31:45
  school today and what you're going to do to fix it.
• 1:31:47
  What do you do about manners? We do teach them manners as much
• 1:31:51
  as we can. This.
• 1:31:52
  This is how our family eats Identity.
• 1:31:57
  This is how our family eats. This is how healthy civilized
• 1:32:01
  families will eat as we eat like this, our family eats with this,
• 1:32:05
  right? I'm part Italian on my father's
• 1:32:07
  side. So when we have spaghetti, it's
• 1:32:09
  not just. Italian.
• 1:32:10
  We're best guests on the show. See, my father always says if
• 1:32:13
  you're not in supremacy. But we've got a lot of Italian.
• 1:32:15
  He always says if you're not Italian, fake it.
• 1:32:17
  So right anyone else needs to. But we have right the spaghetti.
• 1:32:20
  My kids, they cry they're they're part Italian even like
• 1:32:23
  1/8 right they cry if you cut the spaghetti, even the little
• 1:32:26
  Italians will do it. So we don't cut the spaghetti.
• 1:32:29
  That's so funny. Our daughter Gigi, she does hate
• 1:32:31
  it when we cut her process. Italian thing.
• 1:32:33
  It scares. So spoon, fork, twirl.
• 1:32:36
  We teach them this is how our family eats our spaghetti.
• 1:32:39
  Even while she's getting there, she's getting there.
• 1:32:41
  She kind of does this, but she's she's close, right?
• 1:32:44
  How do we eat identity? Most parents, this is how you
• 1:32:49
  were supposed to do it. Do it this way.
• 1:32:51
  Why? Because you're supposed to.
• 1:32:54
  No, because that's how we do it. Identity.
• 1:32:59
  This is how we do it. Oh, interesting, now this
• 1:33:04
  matters. What do you tell women who are
• 1:33:08
  and I can speak for a lot of moms maybe listening they have
• 1:33:11
  the young kids and they like dinner is a chore.
• 1:33:14
  It's hard to get on the table. It's hard to prepare it.
• 1:33:17
  It's hard to organize it. There's all these places and
• 1:33:19
  you're saying, well, let the kids help you.
• 1:33:20
  The kids helping is going to double the time doesn't like
• 1:33:23
  help it actually it's like another task of letting the kids
• 1:33:27
  help yes, and so now it's that we we have limited time.
• 1:33:30
  We got to get this food eating. We don't have to be too late
• 1:33:32
  because then the kids are going to meltdown.
• 1:33:33
  We need to have bedtime yet. Tips for the mom?
• 1:33:37
  Couple things. Family dinner does not have to
• 1:33:39
  be 7 nights a week. If if logically and and
• 1:33:42
  logistically you can only do it three nights a week, that is
• 1:33:45
  better than 0. It's also better than 7
• 1:33:48
  screaming fits where you hate your kids and they hate you at
• 1:33:51
  the table, right? What can you give and what is
• 1:33:54
  the fullness of your ability to give?
• 1:33:56
  Go back to that. I can do three really happy,
• 1:34:00
  calm family dinners together with my kids.
• 1:34:03
  Let's start there. It can grow from that because
• 1:34:05
  they'll love it and they'll be more invested.
• 1:34:07
  But let's start there, OK? What can we do to prep?
• 1:34:10
  Maybe the maybe the dinners need to be easier.
• 1:34:12
  Maybe it needs to be a rotisserie chicken, right?
• 1:34:15
  Maybe you have to start with some easy prep.
• 1:34:17
  Maybe you need to make your life easier.
• 1:34:18
  It does not have to be an extravagant 7 hour meal.
• 1:34:22
  OK, how can we maybe include elements of bedtime in the
• 1:34:26
  dinner? Maybe the story time is at the
• 1:34:28
  dinner table. Maybe that is a story element.
• 1:34:31
  We are winding down. We're filling with oxytocin and
• 1:34:33
  serotonin. We're generating melatonin to
• 1:34:35
  sleep at night. We're really easing toward
• 1:34:38
  dinner time and and bedtime. So I should say, OK, how can we
• 1:34:41
  include that? How can we get the kids
• 1:34:44
  involved? And here's what moms do Often I
• 1:34:46
  have an idea in my head of a perfect family dinner and I'm
• 1:34:49
  going to create a loan and get my kids invested, hopefully by
• 1:34:53
  making them feel good. No, Sit your kids down and
• 1:34:56
  explain that you're building a family dinner system where
• 1:34:59
  you're going to have family dinners together, but you need
• 1:35:01
  their help and now they're going to get on board to help you.
• 1:35:04
  And then you can remind them when it doesn't go the way you
• 1:35:06
  want it to, gently remind them that they're supposed to be
• 1:35:08
  helping you. This is what we are building
• 1:35:10
  together. And over time, you build a
• 1:35:12
  system that works and understand that your first family dinner is
• 1:35:15
  not going to go perfect, you're going to build a family dinner
• 1:35:18
  system. How did you learn to build a
• 1:35:20
  family dinner like that? Largely my wife, to be honest
• 1:35:23
  with you, largely my wife. She invested.
• 1:35:25
  That was a skill that she dove into.
• 1:35:28
  It was a skill. She learned.
• 1:35:29
  It. She learned.
• 1:35:30
  Was she raised with it or no? I think her mother helped her
• 1:35:32
  learn it some. So there was some imprint.
• 1:35:34
  There's some imprint, but she took it to a whole new level
• 1:35:38
  because her parent, her parents weren't together.
• 1:35:40
  What does Dad supposed to do with the dinner table?
• 1:35:42
  To be a pleasant person, right? Reading the Bible as the dinner
• 1:35:45
  table, talking together. This is a whole new system.
• 1:35:48
  We've been intentional about deploying that together.
• 1:35:51
  Beautiful. The power of a healthy marriage.
• 1:35:55
  The power of a healthy marriage is the only thing that creates
• 1:35:57
  the best children. Yes, repair.
• 1:36:01
  I want to talk a little bit about repair because this has
• 1:36:03
  come up many times in our conversation already and this is
• 1:36:08
  essential. And by repair I mean what to do
• 1:36:10
  when there's conflict or and or you make mistakes and sometimes
• 1:36:14
  the conflict comes from the parents mistake.
• 1:36:16
  Yeah, can I take you on a weird rabbit hole for just a moment?
• 1:36:19
  Because it illustrates. It illustrates repair so
• 1:36:22
  perfectly. Let's do it.
• 1:36:23
  Here in America, we have dogs and then we have wolves and
• 1:36:27
  there is a law on the books in most states for 3/4 of wolf dogs
• 1:36:31
  people. It's a status symbol for people,
• 1:36:32
  especially back in the 90s to have like a three quarters wolf
• 1:36:35
  dog. So cool.
• 1:36:36
  Your dog is 3/4 wolf and 1/4 dog.
• 1:36:39
  It was legally the one thing you could do right?
• 1:36:41
  And a lot of people bought these as a status symbol.
• 1:36:43
  Now what they did horrifically wrong was not repair with them.
• 1:36:46
  And this is what most parents are doing wrong.
• 1:36:49
  When you raise a dog, they have a specific genetic trait in
• 1:36:52
  their brain. They're they're like, they're
• 1:36:54
  not the best wolves. The best wolves didn't become
• 1:36:57
  dogs. Dogs with a specific trait to
• 1:36:59
  get essentially mistreated over and over and over, but keep
• 1:37:04
  coming back hoping that you will still care for them.
• 1:37:08
  They're almost anxiously attached genetically.
• 1:37:10
  Dogs. By nature.
• 1:37:11
  By nature, the majority of them. That's so sad.
• 1:37:14
  Yes, I know. And they get mistreated and then
• 1:37:16
  they come back to you anyway. So like the the dogs that are
• 1:37:19
  like malleable for their owners are just wolves that were beat
• 1:37:22
  up. Yes, and put up with it.
• 1:37:25
  The weakest of wolves, yes. Now wolves in nature don't do
• 1:37:28
  that. Wolves in nature, if you if they
• 1:37:31
  discipline each other, they have afterward what's called a
• 1:37:34
  reunification ritual. They discipline, but then they
• 1:37:39
  come and make up and actually reunify and build their
• 1:37:42
  relationship back again and reassure that it's safe.
• 1:37:46
  This. Is with other members of the
• 1:37:47
  pack, Sorry the. Members of their pack.
• 1:37:49
  So it's not the wolf cub, it's with other.
• 1:37:51
  No full adults. It's the cohort.
• 1:37:53
  Correct. We still have a relationship.
• 1:37:56
  You're OK. You don't have to be afraid.
• 1:37:59
  You don't have to walk on egg shells.
• 1:38:01
  You're still a member of our pack.
• 1:38:03
  We care about each other and we will still work together.
• 1:38:06
  Don't be afraid. That's a reunification ritual.
• 1:38:10
  We don't do that with dogs. And so unfortunately when
• 1:38:13
  someone buys a three quarters wolf dog, they don't do it with
• 1:38:15
  them. And that's why 3/4 wolf dogs
• 1:38:17
  most of the time have to be euthanized because they are
• 1:38:21
  disciplined without any reconnection at all.
• 1:38:24
  And then they go rogue because they are told over and over and
• 1:38:27
  over, I don't love you and I don't recognize you and I don't
• 1:38:30
  want you. That sounds an awful lot like
• 1:38:33
  what we're doing to our children.
• 1:38:35
  And that's why our children grow up and say, I can't collaborate
• 1:38:38
  with God because I could never collaborate with my parents.
• 1:38:41
  The relationship is ruined. One mistake gone.
• 1:38:44
  This is why people in the dating world, one red flag or one
• 1:38:47
  mistake gone, one argument gone, my friend, that we've been for
• 1:38:52
  10 years, we had one disagreement gone.
• 1:38:55
  The relationships are done because there is no repair.
• 1:38:58
  We can teach our children otherwise.
• 1:39:00
  I want to have you break this down and then talk about this in
• 1:39:05
  context of discipline. Before that, one more question
• 1:39:07
  about the dogs. I'm curious.
• 1:39:10
  Pitbulls, There's always a new story about a Pitbull that just
• 1:39:14
  suddenly lashes out in malls to death the owner.
• 1:39:17
  They've had for years of the son of the owner, the child of the
• 1:39:20
  owner. There's one here in Southern
• 1:39:21
  California, the park, they had a bunch of pitbulls and he just
• 1:39:24
  savagely killed the dad in front of the, I mean, really just
• 1:39:27
  horrible stuff. Again, not trying to just make
• 1:39:29
  this the anti Pitbull show. Now, my friend Allie Stucky
• 1:39:32
  actually on her podcast is always raging against pit bulls
• 1:39:35
  and I can understand why. Do you think that if wolf dogs
• 1:39:39
  were pit bulls or treated better, they would never lash
• 1:39:42
  out? Or that's not really the point
• 1:39:44
  you're making here? We're trying to connect it back
• 1:39:45
  to kids but just curious. I will say this, the first
• 1:39:48
  question I always ask is when somebody lashes out, whether
• 1:39:51
  it's a pit bull or a human, was there any reunification taught
• 1:39:55
  to them? Before the lash out.
• 1:39:57
  Before the lash out, were they ever given a chance to reunify?
• 1:40:00
  Were they ever given repair? After making a mistake or.
• 1:40:03
  Disobedience was Was the dog raised endlessly with just
• 1:40:07
  punishment? Nothing.
• 1:40:08
  Punishment, nothing, punishment, nothing.
• 1:40:11
  Or were they ever reunified? Were they ever given a message
• 1:40:13
  that you are a loved member of this family, of a love member of
• 1:40:17
  our pack children? Same thing when children lash
• 1:40:20
  out. Were they ever taught you are
• 1:40:23
  still loved, you can make mistakes, but come back, right?
• 1:40:27
  That's the message of our faith. You made a mistake, come back,
• 1:40:32
  come back anyway. It's the message of the prodigal
• 1:40:34
  son, right? The parable of that you made
• 1:40:36
  horrible mistakes, come back anyway, let me put my robe on
• 1:40:40
  you and rings on your hands and shoes on your feet.
• 1:40:43
  Come back, That's the message. So I always ask that question
• 1:40:47
  when somebody pit bull or human lashes out, did they ever know
• 1:40:51
  that repair was possible? Were they ever shown that
• 1:40:53
  kindness? I think some people think the
• 1:40:55
  comeback part, that's the standard, is too high or the
• 1:40:59
  standard is unfair. And that's insecure attachment.
• 1:41:02
  An authoritarian person who dictates that you are going to
• 1:41:06
  grovel to come back, or someone who doesn't know that they are
• 1:41:09
  going to be allowed to come back, all of that is attachment
• 1:41:12
  right there. So repair with a child.
• 1:41:16
  What are the steps to repair to protect against these children
• 1:41:22
  that grow up and later on they just hate their parents?
• 1:41:26
  I mean, that shouldn't be the primary reason.
• 1:41:27
  I don't want to be hated by my kid.
• 1:41:28
  I want my kid to be healthy is the primary reason.
• 1:41:30
  But. Understand, I can tell you the
• 1:41:34
  biggest thing that has really made a difference for me as a
• 1:41:36
  father and makes the most impact for my my clients is in your
• 1:41:41
  head when you have to repair viewing that child as an adult,
• 1:41:45
  age them up 30 years in your head, age them up 30 years and
• 1:41:50
  pretend that you actually really respect them because you should.
• 1:41:54
  But this is somebody you truly respect that you don't want to
• 1:41:58
  lose. How would you humble yourself in
• 1:42:00
  that moment? You're not going to grovel,
• 1:42:02
  you're not going to beg, you're not going to dictate, you're not
• 1:42:05
  going to speed through it. They're going to slow down and
• 1:42:08
  say, look, I'm I have to tell. I have to tell you, I am really
• 1:42:12
  sorry. I am bothered by what I did
• 1:42:16
  wrong. You don't have to convince me I
• 1:42:19
  am bothered by it. I hurt you and I wronged you,
• 1:42:23
  and I want to show you exactly what happened, not as an excuse,
• 1:42:27
  but so that you we can find the pattern interrupt together.
• 1:42:30
  Here's what led to me doing that.
• 1:42:33
  Here's what we need to break going forward, and I'm going to
• 1:42:36
  take care of that because I don't ever want to do this to
• 1:42:38
  you again. Here's how I could use your help
• 1:42:41
  with your child. Here's how I could use your
• 1:42:43
  help. You're not responsible for my
• 1:42:44
  feelings, but here's where I could use your help to make that
• 1:42:46
  easier. What do you need from me in the
• 1:42:50
  meantime as I'm fixing that to make it better now?
• 1:42:54
  Do need a hug? When you tell them that you are
• 1:42:57
  taking it seriously and they don't have to convince you to,
• 1:43:00
  that's one of the biggest steps in the world because that takes
• 1:43:02
  all the fear out of them and they can trust your character.
• 1:43:06
  When you go through the chain of events with them and show them
• 1:43:09
  what broke down, you're building their prefrontal cortex to
• 1:43:12
  understand the consequences and the logical chain of events.
• 1:43:17
  When you show them that you are going to make up with them
• 1:43:19
  afterward and do right by them, they release oxytocin and they
• 1:43:23
  feel safe and loved. And then afterward you can say
• 1:43:27
  this, are we OK? Is our relationship OK from your
• 1:43:32
  side? Is our relationship OK from your
• 1:43:36
  side? Yes to.
• 1:43:37
  A three-year old to. A three-year old, you could say
• 1:43:40
  it to them. They understand the concept
• 1:43:42
  because they're wondering it too.
• 1:43:45
  Hey, are we OK from your side? You could say, are we OK from
• 1:43:48
  your side? Yeah, OK.
• 1:43:50
  We're OK from my side too. And if you say we're OK, and if
• 1:43:55
  you say are you OK and they say no, they're like really upset
• 1:43:59
  still, or they feel there was an injustice or they don't, there's
• 1:44:02
  something that they are still wanting that they haven't gotten
• 1:44:05
  yet. That's just an opportunity for
• 1:44:06
  more sharing and connection. Correct, you have to.
• 1:44:10
  That is the only thing you can do.
• 1:44:13
  I don't understand but I really and say I don't understand but I
• 1:44:16
  really want to. Can you help me so I can help
• 1:44:20
  you? I think some parents may be
• 1:44:22
  listening and hearing this and thinking AI don't have the time
• 1:44:25
  because I've got 10 children or whatever, right?
• 1:44:28
  Or even a few kids and there's so many other things going on
• 1:44:31
  and this sounds like a process you have to stop.
• 1:44:33
  And what about the other kids and.
• 1:44:35
  I hear that a lot when I think I don't have time to repair with
• 1:44:39
  my kids. I imagine giving those excuses
• 1:44:41
  to God on judgement day that I didn't have time to stop because
• 1:44:44
  I had to go make money. Wow.
• 1:44:46
  What about go make go help another kid though?
• 1:44:49
  I bring them with me. Just do it.
• 1:44:50
  Do it together. Whatever you have to do.
• 1:44:51
  Family because. I can talk to my other kids and
• 1:44:54
  say I need to reconnect with this kid right here.
• 1:44:57
  Can you give me a minute? And they've felt it.
• 1:44:59
  And they're like, Oh yeah, you're.
• 1:45:00
  Good, and it could be done semi publicly with the other kids in
• 1:45:03
  tow because they're. Learning everybody.
• 1:45:04
  They're learning the process together.
• 1:45:06
  You take accountability. Most parents are afraid of doing
• 1:45:10
  this because they think it erodes their authority.
• 1:45:12
  But if your authority is based on power, that's a problem.
• 1:45:16
  If your authority is based on dictating, that's a problem.
• 1:45:19
  You're not really a parent. If your authority is based on, I
• 1:45:21
  said so. I said so.
• 1:45:23
  It's not enough in your view. That's not parenting, that's
• 1:45:26
  dictating your kids will hate you and not speak to you and you
• 1:45:29
  will have ruined your job. To get spiritual here for a
• 1:45:34
  minute, because all of this has a spiritual imprint.
• 1:45:39
  God in heaven gave us the 10 commandments and you can, I
• 1:45:42
  think, ascertain the 10 commandments through using your
• 1:45:44
  reason and looking at the natural order.
• 1:45:46
  So they're kind of explanatory in that way.
• 1:45:48
  But there's also divine revelation.
• 1:45:51
  There's also a level to our faith.
• 1:45:53
  There's where I don't know is the answer.
• 1:45:55
  There's some things we don't know.
• 1:45:56
  His ways are too wonderful. We can't fathom his waves.
• 1:45:59
  And so we have to take some things on faith.
• 1:46:01
  And I do think some Christian parents feel that they need to
• 1:46:05
  provide a context in their parenting to their kids that
• 1:46:08
  they're sometimes, I told you so, has to be sufficient and
• 1:46:11
  there has to be a leaning appeal to authority, appeal and appeal
• 1:46:15
  to power. What's your take on that?
• 1:46:16
  At the end of the day, you are the leader in the home and you
• 1:46:19
  do have to make a decision, yes, but you need to explain why you
• 1:46:23
  are making that decision. And if you don't know why you're
• 1:46:26
  making that decision, you need to learn and you need to tell
• 1:46:30
  them. I am going to go figure that out
• 1:46:32
  and come back with an answer because it's important that we
• 1:46:35
  all understand so we can invest. If you are making decisions with
• 1:46:38
  an, I don't know, that's an imprinted system and there is
• 1:46:41
  much better ways to do things than what you're doing because I
• 1:46:44
  guarantee if you don't know why you're doing it, you're not
• 1:46:46
  doing it right. You need to learn.
• 1:46:48
  You've just uncovered a gap. Pause, go fix, come back and
• 1:46:54
  explain. That's proper leadership.
• 1:46:56
  I think that's very good. I I think about an example of
• 1:46:59
  someone saying, well, if they're going to put their hand on the
• 1:47:02
  stove, right, I don't have time to explain why not to put that,
• 1:47:05
  But that's kind of a cop out because you say take her out,
• 1:47:07
  like take her out and then he's like, we don't touch the stove
• 1:47:10
  because it is hot and people will get hurt.
• 1:47:12
  So you still explain as your point, even if it's not.
• 1:47:15
  Sometimes you have to do an immediate emergency action, but
• 1:47:18
  you still follow up with the explanation, the why.
• 1:47:21
  What I have found is the people who want to take the absolute
• 1:47:23
  extremes and say well you would take their hand off a hot stove,
• 1:47:26
  use that as justification to never do repair, never explain,
• 1:47:30
  and always dictate because they're more concerned with
• 1:47:32
  justifying the power they want to use and the time they feel
• 1:47:35
  like they don't have. Sure, there are times you
• 1:47:38
  protect your children, but you should by default be properly
• 1:47:41
  leading. Very good.
• 1:47:44
  There's one more topic that I want to get to here on the issue
• 1:47:48
  of parenting, which is the hot button lightning rod issue,
• 1:47:53
  discipline spanking. We've talked about this on the
• 1:47:55
  show before. I'm very interested in your take
• 1:47:57
  and I want to lead this off by talking about someone that I
• 1:48:01
  have admired a lot of their work, Doctor James Dobson.
• 1:48:04
  He passed away recently and he founded Focus on the Family.
• 1:48:09
  He has his Doctor James Dobson Institute.
• 1:48:12
  Are you? Have you heard of him?
• 1:48:14
  I've heard of him because, like, growing up, I heard a lot about
• 1:48:16
  him. Yeah, your.
• 1:48:16
  Parents probably were influenced by him.
• 1:48:18
  My parents were influenced by him.
• 1:48:20
  Anyways, he had some very good teachings in my view, but one of
• 1:48:22
  his teachings that was the most controversial of them all, I
• 1:48:25
  would say, was on spanking. And he, you know, to his credit,
• 1:48:28
  he would say, you know, not every child should be spanked
• 1:48:31
  necessarily. And, you know, da, da, da.
• 1:48:33
  But he did ultimately recommend spanking as a good tool in the
• 1:48:37
  toolbox for parents. And so do I and, and so do you.
• 1:48:39
  OK, this is so interesting. And there's a generation, but
• 1:48:42
  there are a generation of parents that I know implemented
• 1:48:45
  Dr. Dobson. And there's a generation of
• 1:48:47
  kids, not all of them, but some of them who are furious years
• 1:48:51
  later at their parents. Yes, and I was reading in the
• 1:48:56
  articles and forums after his passing a lot of these
• 1:49:00
  accolades, you know, in memory we love Doctor Dobson.
• 1:49:03
  And then there was this painful lashing out in response.
• 1:49:08
  And, and some of the stories I read were bringing tears to my
• 1:49:10
  eyes about my parents, you know, would spank.
• 1:49:14
  And, you know, I guess maybe they didn't do repair.
• 1:49:17
  I don't know. But why would you hit a child if
• 1:49:19
  you wouldn't hit, you wouldn't hit an adult?
• 1:49:20
  I mean, there's a lot of good, a lot of good points that were
• 1:49:24
  made. Some of it maybe there are other
• 1:49:25
  things going on. What do you what do you think?
• 1:49:28
  Yeah. So first of all, I think there's
• 1:49:30
  mostly circumstances where somebody would hit an adult.
• 1:49:34
  And I'm not advocating violence by any means at all, by the way,
• 1:49:38
  but physical discipline is actually an important part of
• 1:49:42
  our learning. There's proper ways to do it,
• 1:49:45
  and then there's evil ways to do it.
• 1:49:47
  Now, I will say this, I'm not smarter than God.
• 1:49:49
  I will never claim to be smarter than God.
• 1:49:50
  And in the Bible it says spare the rod, spoil the child.
• 1:49:53
  But is that a spanking rod or is that a she a shepherd's rod to
• 1:49:56
  push the push and prod the sheep towards the direction and away
• 1:49:59
  from the wolves? Well you don't spoil a child by
• 1:50:01
  guiding them. That would be spare the rod.
• 1:50:04
  The children will be eaten. Spoiling the child is not
• 1:50:07
  disciplining them. But he's not saying beat your
• 1:50:09
  child, right? The the answer is not beat your
• 1:50:11
  child. And I will say this, the
• 1:50:13
  evidence for not spanking your children usually comes from one
• 1:50:16
  very specific key repeat of research that was done.
• 1:50:21
  And here's the problem is they put any parent at all, whoever
• 1:50:24
  used any physical discipline at all into one pool, whether you
• 1:50:29
  swatted your child on the hand or hit them in the face with a 2
• 1:50:31
  by 4 into one pool and in the other pool, it was all parents
• 1:50:35
  who never used physical discipline and therefore put in
• 1:50:38
  the time to learn other. And then they said, wow, kids
• 1:50:43
  with parents who intentionally learn skills like negotiation do
• 1:50:47
  better than kids who get hit in the face with two by fours.
• 1:50:51
  That doesn't teach us that spanking is always destructive.
• 1:50:54
  That's not what that teaches us. It's a very destructive study.
• 1:50:57
  It was. It's always touted as the number
• 1:50:59
  one study on spanking. It is garbage.
• 1:51:02
  OK, number one. Number two, we have to
• 1:51:04
  understand the difference between punishment and
• 1:51:06
  discipline. I am not here to say spanking is
• 1:51:09
  great and we should do it all the time.
• 1:51:12
  It is an absolute last resort. We need to be disciplining our
• 1:51:16
  child. The difference is punishment is
• 1:51:18
  based on I will feel better at your expense and you will pay a
• 1:51:22
  debt that you owe me. Spanking from anger, spanking
• 1:51:27
  for vengeance. Spanking is you don't know what
• 1:51:29
  else to do. Spanking because you just think
• 1:51:31
  that's what you should do because your parents told you
• 1:51:33
  to. None of that is appropriate,
• 1:51:35
  absolutely not appropriate. And a lot of people who
• 1:51:37
  unfortunately took Doctor Dobson's work, they did that.
• 1:51:41
  They used his work to justify a lot of either ignorant or evil
• 1:51:44
  behaviors. I think that's an important
• 1:51:46
  point because I do think when you look at his work, he is
• 1:51:50
  actually pretty. He has a ton of parameters.
• 1:51:53
  If you're going to spank, these are the parameters.
• 1:51:55
  And, and I think to be fair to his critics, I do think he does
• 1:51:58
  recommend it. So there is a difference there.
• 1:52:00
  But I think in the horror stories I was reading, it
• 1:52:04
  appeared to be that the parents were not actually implementing
• 1:52:07
  his full system. But the argument of the child
• 1:52:09
  is, well, if you're going to go to corporal punishment, it's so
• 1:52:13
  hard to do that right. And if you get that wrong, it's
• 1:52:17
  so damaging that it's better to find other strategies that are
• 1:52:21
  more apt, more easy of ease of use.
• 1:52:23
  If we take it for granted that the child and parent cannot have
• 1:52:27
  calm nervous systems, if the parent has given up their
• 1:52:31
  responsibility to have a calm nervous system, if the parent
• 1:52:34
  has given up their responsibility to learn secure
• 1:52:36
  attachment, if the parent has taken it for absolute granted
• 1:52:39
  that this is just how they'll always feel so they can justify
• 1:52:42
  it, then yes, that is true. We have to remove spanking in
• 1:52:45
  those circumstances because we cannot trust those parents to
• 1:52:49
  actually be parents. But in a structured, healthy
• 1:52:53
  system, there are times where physical discipline can be very
• 1:52:56
  helpful, but again, as a last resort.
• 1:52:59
  So would you say it's essential or it's it's only?
• 1:53:02
  Really depends on the circumstance and the child and
• 1:53:04
  the family. So if you're going to do a
• 1:53:07
  spanking at all in your view, well, first of all, can you
• 1:53:10
  exchange spanking for something else that is physical that
• 1:53:12
  involves absolutely so. So in your view, spanking is not
• 1:53:16
  essential in that sense, but some physical activity might be
• 1:53:19
  I'm. Not going to say every parent
• 1:53:20
  should spank their child, absolutely not.
• 1:53:22
  But it is a tool that must be there.
• 1:53:25
  It must be there as a last resort.
• 1:53:28
  And then there must be so many things, so many things leading
• 1:53:32
  up to that conversations, other consequences, other skills,
• 1:53:35
  other things you do. But if one of your children is
• 1:53:39
  hitting another child in the face and won't stop and is
• 1:53:42
  risking damaging their eyes for example, and you've deployed
• 1:53:45
  every skill you have imaginable, then yes, there is a time where
• 1:53:50
  you might need to spank that child to make them stop.
• 1:53:52
  So you. Calmly pick up the child in in
• 1:53:55
  the extreme circumstance where they're not responding to other
• 1:53:57
  forms of authority or strategy, working with them to help them
• 1:54:02
  understand they're still lashing out.
• 1:54:04
  They're getting very angry, they're getting very violent.
• 1:54:06
  You're saying in that situation, calmly removing the child and
• 1:54:09
  then exerting some physical punishment on the child, not to
• 1:54:12
  harm them physically, but to teach them you cannot respond
• 1:54:16
  with that force. And that could be spanking you
• 1:54:18
  would say is it would be appropriate.
• 1:54:19
  Yeah, there's a process called biofeedback.
• 1:54:21
  Your system says, oh, I shouldn't do that because I will
• 1:54:25
  get hurt. It forms your prefrontal cortex.
• 1:54:28
  You have to have that. But if you just do it
• 1:54:31
  arbitrarily and you don't teach the child ethics, you don't
• 1:54:35
  teach them empathy, for example. You don't say this is what you
• 1:54:40
  made your little brother feel and you wouldn't stop.
• 1:54:44
  And I'm doing this now to teach you.
• 1:54:46
  Don't do this to him because he is hurting like this.
• 1:54:49
  Do you feel good right now about me?
• 1:54:52
  No. Do you think he feels good about
• 1:54:54
  you when you hurt him this way? No.
• 1:54:57
  Now you're understanding. There are times where we do have
• 1:55:01
  to do this as parents. And if people don't have the
• 1:55:03
  stomach for that, they're going to have to rethink that.
• 1:55:06
  So the importance there, the distinction you're making is
• 1:55:08
  it's not punishment. No, it cannot be punishment.
• 1:55:11
  It's education. Punishment is evil.
• 1:55:13
  It is punishment is evil. God does not punish us.
• 1:55:17
  God disciplines us. And it's to teach us so that we
• 1:55:21
  can learn and we can choose to not do the bad thing again.
• 1:55:24
  Bible is very explicit on that point.
• 1:55:27
  That's such a powerful point, especially in the context of
• 1:55:29
  spanking. And I this, I am, I'm I'm, I'm
• 1:55:32
  more partial to this view because the people who listen to
• 1:55:34
  this show carefully know that I'm pretty anti spanking.
• 1:55:37
  But I think this could be the only context because it's not to
• 1:55:40
  punish for something wrongly done.
• 1:55:42
  It's to show them a consequence of an action.
• 1:55:45
  Because if you don't show the consequence of an action to the
• 1:55:48
  four year old is out of control attacking somebody else.
• 1:55:51
  And they carry that behavior like you're not nipping it in
• 1:55:53
  the bud with other, with other strategies.
• 1:55:55
  This is, as you say, a last resort because you do want to
• 1:55:57
  try other strategies, time out things like this.
• 1:55:59
  It's just it there's something, this is a strong kid.
• 1:56:02
  It's strong, it's built in. He's very physical potentially.
• 1:56:05
  Again, again, I'm just spitballing here, but there's
• 1:56:08
  not an opposite reaction of like, if I bully this younger
• 1:56:11
  child and I'm not getting walloped back, I am going to get
• 1:56:15
  a, you know, a spank for that. And it's going to not feel good.
• 1:56:18
  It's not going to hurt terribly, but it's not going to feel good.
• 1:56:20
  I'm going to, oh, there's a stop.
• 1:56:22
  Don't go to that activity again. Correct.
• 1:56:24
  So back to the point when you asked me, well, you wouldn't hit
• 1:56:27
  an adult, so I would have hit a child.
• 1:56:29
  If I was out in public and somebody came up and tried to
• 1:56:32
  slap my wife, I would definitely hit that adult.
• 1:56:34
  Slam them in another direction. I would definitely hit that
• 1:56:37
  adult to protect my wife now. I wouldn't continue beating them
• 1:56:41
  and punish them, but I am going to stop the violence right there
• 1:56:46
  by force, by using violence, and I will continue using it as long
• 1:56:51
  as they make me. If they stop, OK, we can have a
• 1:56:55
  conversation then. But there are times where you
• 1:56:58
  have to deploy these skills. And that's the other aspect of
• 1:57:01
  this is it's not an eye for an eye.
• 1:57:03
  That's not what it. Cannot be.
• 1:57:04
  It's like you hit me, so now you're going to get hit to know
• 1:57:07
  so you know what it feels like. It sounds like it's in your, you
• 1:57:11
  know, the correct circumstances with which to use banking.
• 1:57:14
  It's more relegated to it's a last resort to show the
• 1:57:18
  consequence of an action so that they can internalize not to do
• 1:57:22
  this again. And you've had conversations
• 1:57:23
  with them. I don't want to do this.
• 1:57:26
  Please, let's not go there. Let's not go there together.
• 1:57:31
  There was other ways for us to do this.
• 1:57:32
  I want to guide you. If this happens again, I will
• 1:57:35
  have no choice, OK? It happened again and I am not
• 1:57:39
  going to do this from anger. I do not like this and you also
• 1:57:42
  do not like this. We will get through this
• 1:57:44
  together, but I am going to teach you because this is so
• 1:57:47
  dangerous. I have to make sure you remember
• 1:57:50
  this. You do it.
• 1:57:52
  Then you say, I am really sorry we had to go this far.
• 1:57:56
  I don't ever want us to go this far again.
• 1:57:58
  Here is how we make sure we never ever ever go to this place
• 1:58:01
  again. This is what I need from you.
• 1:58:03
  Can we both agree to do this? I will help you remember.
• 1:58:09
  Let's never go here again. So in your ideal situation, you
• 1:58:14
  don't have spanking is not something in the toolbox.
• 1:58:16
  It's a it's a last resort like you're describing.
• 1:58:19
  I'm thinking about the doctor Dobson, you know, commentary
• 1:58:23
  again after his passing may rest in peace.
• 1:58:25
  But some of the examples that people are using to complain
• 1:58:28
  about how much they feel they were hurt by his ideology.
• 1:58:30
  And again, I think the parents weren't even fully applying his
• 1:58:32
  ideology or his advice, but were examples like they spilled food
• 1:58:36
  at the dinner table. My kids spill dinner food all
• 1:58:39
  the time. So they were spanked for
• 1:58:40
  something. They were there was the the the
• 1:58:42
  reaction of the parent to the the committed offense was so out
• 1:58:47
  of control or they they did, they were wrestling and they did
• 1:58:50
  hurt their brother, but it wasn't like intentional.
• 1:58:52
  It wasn't out of anger or hatred, nothing like this.
• 1:58:55
  It wasn't, you know, planned, you know, premeditated.
• 1:58:58
  And, and so I think that was where, and I'd be curious and
• 1:59:02
  let me know in the comments section if someone listening
• 1:59:04
  says actually, like if someone listening has an example where
• 1:59:08
  they, this is how they were spanked.
• 1:59:10
  This is how they were disciplined.
• 1:59:13
  And it was to counteract a significant action that they had
• 1:59:18
  taken that was very harmful and, and involved enough of the
• 1:59:20
  intent and the will. And if that was ever harmful to
• 1:59:23
  somebody, I'd like to talk to that person because from your
• 1:59:26
  description, I haven't heard those stories.
• 1:59:28
  And that's what gives me an openness to maybe this could be
• 1:59:31
  a, you know, a tool to put back in the toolbox in in unique
• 1:59:33
  cases. In a securely attached
• 1:59:36
  relationship. And in a securely attached.
• 1:59:38
  If you're in a securely attached relationship and doing all of
• 1:59:41
  those pieces with all of those skills, and at the very end to
• 1:59:44
  protect your children from physical danger, you have to use
• 1:59:48
  biofeedback to teach them so that they don't hurt each other
• 1:59:52
  seriously, or to teach them empathy.
• 1:59:55
  That's the time to deploy physical discipline at that
• 1:59:57
  point. What age is too old in your
• 1:59:59
  view? To spank.
• 2:00:00
  Yeah, that's a very good question.
• 2:00:04
  Your oldest is 10. Did you say my?
• 2:00:06
  Oldest is 9 only. 9:00 is way too old for me to be spanking
• 2:00:09
  him at this point, especially by the time they hit seven.
• 2:00:12
  They have the age of reason and I've been teaching him all of
• 2:00:15
  his life with his siblings. How will they?
• 2:00:17
  How do you want them to feel about you?
• 2:00:20
  And how do you think they will see you with the actions you're
• 2:00:22
  doing when they hit seven? It's not guilt, it's I want to
• 2:00:27
  help you become the person you are wanting to be.
• 2:00:30
  How do you think people see you with the things you're choosing
• 2:00:33
  to do and you make them think? And I've been doing that with
• 2:00:37
  him since he was three years old and his sister was one.
• 2:00:41
  I've been training him in that. No guilt.
• 2:00:45
  That's training and mentoring him to become the person he
• 2:00:48
  needs to be. And those rare times where he
• 2:00:51
  wouldn't stop hitting his sister with a toy dinosaur in the face
• 2:00:54
  or something. And I've I've talked to him and
• 2:00:56
  talked to him and talked to him and I have to teach him through
• 2:00:58
  biofeedback so that she doesn't get a concussion.
• 2:01:01
  Yes. And it worked.
• 2:01:02
  And it worked and I am his father and it is my job to make
• 2:01:06
  that hard decision and I have the stomach for it and I'm going
• 2:01:10
  to do it. And other parents need to find
• 2:01:12
  that stomach. Now, they may also not have
• 2:01:14
  children who need it. They may also not have those
• 2:01:16
  circumstances like we had. I'm not saying spanking is
• 2:01:19
  great, go do it, it's fun. But it is a tool that needs to
• 2:01:23
  be there for those circumstances.
• 2:01:25
  What is your recommendation for the best approach to discipline?
• 2:01:30
  You talked about repair, which was excellent.
• 2:01:32
  We talked about spanking, but in a nutshell, if you're trying to
• 2:01:34
  teach your child something and activity of behavior and you're
• 2:01:39
  feeling you're not getting a lot of progress, would there be 3
• 2:01:41
  steps you have or a kind of process that you would have for
• 2:01:45
  that? Identity is one of the biggest
• 2:01:47
  pieces, right? This is how we do it.
• 2:01:50
  Our family doesn't do that. We do this and especially tying
• 2:01:54
  it back to a principal, right? Our kids, my kids, understand
• 2:01:57
  why we don't do certain things that we don't do them and why we
• 2:02:02
  don't do them so that they can begin crafting their identity as
• 2:02:07
  early as possible to follow their ethics, their goals.
• 2:02:10
  Their principles are faith. Why does it matter to them
• 2:02:14
  personally to make this change? That's what we have to be
• 2:02:17
  teaching our children. Beautiful.
• 2:02:20
  OK, I know I said spanking was the last topic.
• 2:02:22
  Actually, I have one more before I let you go.
• 2:02:24
  I'm open and this is on To end on a positive note here.
• 2:02:28
  Bonding is one of the parenting skills that you say are
• 2:02:33
  essential. We we talked about repair, we
• 2:02:35
  talked about some rituals, which is family meals as an example.
• 2:02:38
  We talked about negotiation, Co regulation for the parent also
• 2:02:43
  the importance of that for the kids.
• 2:02:44
  But bonding, I think, is something that comes naturally,
• 2:02:48
  especially to moms in the sense of they want to just, like, look
• 2:02:51
  at their child and kiss them. And, you know, dads love to
• 2:02:53
  rough hand, rough hand their child and hold them.
• 2:02:56
  What are some key principles or tactics for bonding?
• 2:02:59
  Where I'm like I want to bond better with my little ones or my
• 2:03:03
  even it could be older kids but what is What are some bonding
• 2:03:05
  tips? That's a great question.
• 2:03:07
  Understand that there are two bonding hormones for humans.
• 2:03:11
  One is oxytocin. It's a sense of love, belonging,
• 2:03:14
  playfulness, laughing, snuggling.
• 2:03:16
  This is crucial. And moms are flooded with this
• 2:03:18
  at birth and at breastfeeding. Every time my wife has a baby,
• 2:03:22
  she holds it and she goes, isn't it so cute?
• 2:03:25
  And I look and it's like this little Gray like monkey lizard
• 2:03:28
  thing. And I'm like, well, OK, babe,
• 2:03:30
  right. But her brain is swimming in
• 2:03:32
  that oxytocin to make her love this child.
• 2:03:35
  And that's a good thing. And then she will hold it close,
• 2:03:38
  nurture it, care for it. They will flood with oxytocin by
• 2:03:41
  that breastfeeding process and all of that.
• 2:03:43
  They, they build an incredible oxytocin bond through that first
• 2:03:46
  year right and beyond. It's crucial that dads be doing
• 2:03:50
  that and know that you are giving your child oxytocin by
• 2:03:53
  snuggling and, and connecting to them.
• 2:03:55
  You need to calm and regulate yourself enough that your
• 2:03:57
  oxytocin receptors open up when you're stressed out, they
• 2:04:00
  actually close down. That's one mistake that a lot of
• 2:04:02
  parents make is you're not feeling the connection that your
• 2:04:05
  kids are because you're not your, your receptors aren't
• 2:04:06
  open, calm, regulate bond. But #2 understand vasopressin,
• 2:04:12
  the bonding hormone released when we solve problems together,
• 2:04:15
  right? When we negotiate, when we fix,
• 2:04:17
  when we repair. Vasopressin is trust.
• 2:04:19
  It is immense, it's huge. We feel safe with vasopressin.
• 2:04:23
  We feel belonging with oxytocin. OK, Dads teach to bond.
• 2:04:29
  Dads only really bond largely not only, but largely by
• 2:04:33
  teaching. Vasopressin.
• 2:04:35
  VASOPRESSIN it releases testosterone and vasopressin in
• 2:04:38
  him and a little oxytocin. But dads must teach to properly
• 2:04:42
  bond. Most dads in their first year of
• 2:04:46
  being a dad feel ashamed because they secretly don't feel the
• 2:04:49
  connection to their child. They love them, but they don't
• 2:04:52
  have a connection. And there's mom thriving, and
• 2:04:55
  dad feels like he's on the outside watching through a
• 2:04:57
  window while the family's happy. But when he can begin teaching,
• 2:05:01
  that's where a lot of that bonding will happen.
• 2:05:03
  Moms can do it this way, too, which is great.
• 2:05:06
  But calm your nervous system, oxytocin bonds.
• 2:05:08
  Spend the physical time and then teach, teach, teach and repair
• 2:05:13
  and guide. Oxytocin, vasopressin, back and
• 2:05:16
  forth. You think it's OK in a marriage
• 2:05:18
  for there to even be a vocalization around the roles
• 2:05:22
  there of? I'm the oxytocin parent more
• 2:05:26
  than the vasopressin. I'm the vasopressin more than
• 2:05:28
  the oxytocin. It's not like mom never does
• 2:05:30
  teaching. It's not like dad never does
• 2:05:31
  snuggling. But I'm going to like lean on
• 2:05:34
  dad, maybe to do a little more of the teaching part.
• 2:05:38
  I hear you. And I'm going to let Mom, I'll
• 2:05:40
  do more of the snuggling. Or you got to just do both.
• 2:05:43
  I think that the nature of our human existence is such that Mom
• 2:05:48
  is going to teach so much and Dad needs to lean in and teach
• 2:05:51
  intentionally because Mom's right there showing you how to
• 2:05:54
  use a spoon. Dad needs to be there showing
• 2:05:56
  you how to walk. Dad needs to be there showing
• 2:05:58
  you how to put your Legos together.
• 2:05:59
  Dad needs to be there showing you how things work, how to
• 2:06:02
  read. Mom teaches you how to read
• 2:06:03
  right. You're, you're teaching so much.
• 2:06:06
  Every moment with your children is teaching them something.
• 2:06:10
  There's not a moment we aren't teaching them and shaping their
• 2:06:12
  brains. We always are.
• 2:06:14
  So just leaning into the teaching more intentionally and
• 2:06:17
  being very focused on the oxytocin.
• 2:06:19
  Dads skip the oxytocin and moms tend to let's say smother,
• 2:06:24
  right? You can't spell smother spell
• 2:06:26
  smother without mother. They they smother them and take
• 2:06:29
  away any pain or discomfort they feel and don't ask them to do
• 2:06:34
  chores and tasks. Work together and teach.
• 2:06:38
  It's so good, right? That's virtue, right?
• 2:06:40
  You got to do lean into, yeah, the strength, but let it be
• 2:06:43
  mitigated with prudence and then have make sure you're developing
• 2:06:47
  the other strength too, because you need, you do need both.
• 2:06:49
  That's it. Yeah.
• 2:06:51
  So good. OK, this was amazing there.
• 2:06:53
  I know there's Even so much more to go through here.
• 2:06:56
  Any last thoughts on parenting? And then I want you to tell
• 2:06:58
  people how people can find your new course on this.
• 2:07:00
  Absolutely. Parenting is one of the highest
• 2:07:03
  callings there is. That's why when we are in the
• 2:07:05
  church, we get married and we have kids.
• 2:07:08
  It is a vocation. You are on par with a priest in
• 2:07:11
  your home. This is your job and there is
• 2:07:14
  nothing else more important than that.
• 2:07:16
  The priest doesn't say, you know, my hobbies are really more
• 2:07:19
  important than being a priest, so I can't take confession
• 2:07:21
  today. It is your job to do this and
• 2:07:23
  it's your job to answer that calling.
• 2:07:25
  So those eight questions in the cascade, if you don't feel the
• 2:07:28
  urgency yet, go listen to those eight questions because it will
• 2:07:31
  drive your urgency to answer that call and then understand
• 2:07:34
  that you're being called in a way that you can fulfill.
• 2:07:37
  You don't have to be perfect. You cannot.
• 2:07:40
  You have six months to figure out a plan and start growing.
• 2:07:43
  You can talk with your kids about the change you're going to
• 2:07:45
  make. Dad's realized that he did not
• 2:07:47
  do the best job for the first six years with you guys, and I'm
• 2:07:50
  going to be changing permanently to give you more love and
• 2:07:54
  connection and help you become healthier people.
• 2:07:56
  So going forward, if I am irritable or whatever, if I do
• 2:07:59
  this, tell me and I will stop and I will do the proper thing.
• 2:08:05
  I just need you to remind me if I ever forget and I will do my
• 2:08:08
  best to remember to. It's not your job, it's mine.
• 2:08:10
  And then you show them and you guide them in new skills and you
• 2:08:13
  train and you learn those skills together and you tell them that
• 2:08:16
  we as a family are changing to be better than our family's ever
• 2:08:19
  been. And when we get it wrong, we
• 2:08:21
  will repair. You set that up with your
• 2:08:24
  children. You invite them into the family
• 2:08:28
  instead of acting upon them like objects when they are Co members
• 2:08:33
  of your family and you build a family together with them and
• 2:08:36
  that grows through the ages as they're 1012204050.
• 2:08:41
  That's how you build a family together as a family.
• 2:08:44
  You don't build it alone. So it's a multi generational
• 2:08:48
  project. But it's always been.
• 2:08:49
  Amazing how can people find this and your work Adam?
• 2:08:52
  Yeah, so if you want to send hate mail for the spanking thing
• 2:08:55
  or you want to learn about the. Parenting course we've, we've
• 2:08:58
  changed our mind. I'm sort of, I'm sort of
• 2:09:00
  changing my mind a little bit. I I would want to see it how
• 2:09:03
  it's done, but I'm I'm open. I am open to make.
• 2:09:06
  Progress. Right.
• 2:09:07
  I love these debates because this is how we get to learn,
• 2:09:09
  right? This is how we get to change and
• 2:09:11
  with new ideas and new skills. I love this so you're welcome to
• 2:09:15
  contact me. And if you want to learn more
• 2:09:16
  about the parenting course, Adam Lane smith.com is the very very
• 2:09:19
  best place. Me and my entire team are on
• 2:09:21
  there. We have self-paced courses for
• 2:09:24
  learning all those skills you need to build your family and
• 2:09:26
  everything else. We are here to help.
• 2:09:28
  And I hear there's a code for for our special show.
• 2:09:31
  Our show here. Absolutely.
• 2:09:33
  If you use code Lila rose 10 you are going to get 10% off.
• 2:09:37
  Don't forget. Amazing.
• 2:09:38
  Thank you so much, Adam. Thank you.
• 2:09:39
  Thanks so much for listening to this episode of The Lila Rose
• 2:09:42
  Show with Adam Lane Smith. It was is amazing as always.
• 2:09:44
  He's one of our favorites on the show.
• 2:09:46
  Check out his parenting course and thank you so much to
• 2:09:48
  everybody who's listening, sharing the show and
• 2:09:50
  subscribing. A huge thank you to our partner
• 2:09:52
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• 2:09:56
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• 2:09:59
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• 2:10:02
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