Latest / The Feel Good Club for Ambitious Moms of Neurodivergent Kids / How to Be Resilient as a Working Mom
Transcript
- ROCKY: You have to let go of things you can't control. That's what allows you to bounce forward. Hope alone isn't enough. It has to be followed by action. And a lot of people think like you just feel it, but no, you need to take action. Our to-do list is going to be there until we die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to the Feel Good Club podcast. This is the place where ambitious working moms learn how to elevate their well-being, increase success in all areas, and create a positive, aligned life. Whether you're here to hear expert interviews or inspiring talks, this is your space to learn and grow. I'm Tia Graham, keynote and TED speaker, bestselling author and founder of the Feel Good Club Community for high achieving moms. I am an expert in the science of happiness. This show is here to help you feel grounded, happier and connected to yourself and others. I know you are going to love it. Thank you for being here. Let's dive in. Hi Kim, welcome to the Feel Good Club show. Hi, so excited to be here with you today, Tia. Me too. I wanna start off by you sharing a little bit about your story and how you came to speak and write on momentum and mindset and resilience. How come you are so passionate about it and the reasons why you know that you must share these messages and this information with the world. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So it's really about lived experience. And then after that, right, then the research and working with leaders and teams and, you know, but from a lived experience standpoint. So I'm a recovering attorney, recovering public affairs consultant. I had a prior business, but really. got my start in speaking 24 years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 30. My son, Brandon, was just turning two and I was diagnosed with very aggressive stage three cancer. And so that really started me on this journey. And since then, I became a patient advocate, you know, really working and focusing on women and their health, and then also divorced. 16 years ago, didn't see that coming. Had married my high school sweetheart together 22 years, married 16. And he left me for a very good friend and neighbor. And then her name was also Ken. And so they got married, she took my own name. I had to change my, not just rebuild my life, but my brand. And so as a part of that, I then also was a single mom. And, know, Brandon was just turning 10 at the time and going through my own self-discovery, because I'd married my high school sweetheart, I'd never dated, I didn't know what was happening, I was trying to still run my business. And then, you know, had been speaking and then decided I really wanted to do kind of the speaking leadership development full-time and focus on resilience and leading through change and adaptability, which is what I've always talked about. And then as a part of that, I remarried. So I... Fell in love, which I didn't plan on doing, and remarried a widower with two kids. So Jack and I laid with three and five when their mom passed away. And then I came along three years later. So we've been blending while mending for the last 15 years. And now we just became, as I share with Tia, we just became Empty Nesters, which is a whole new experience as well. ⁓ But that is really kind of that journey. And then really my speaking and leadership development company has continued to grow. ⁓ and now just being able to pour into others and really share those tools on how do you really harness that power of adaptability, resilience and mindset in this world that's not going to slow down, right? Where many of your listeners and those fellow moms might be feeling the so muchness as I call it right now. Yes, yes. Thank you for sharing all of that. And I know that there's a million other small stories and events. throughout your years, but just thinking about those big boulders of different things, you know, of cancer and divorce and ⁓ taking on, ⁓ you know, children from another family, changing businesses, so many different experiences. So for working mom who's listening, who is feeling like it all is too much, with the demands of work, trying to invest or have a healthy marriage, trying to stay healthy themselves, raising kids with all the challenges of the technology and everything that parents are facing right now and the stress and overwhelm and then layer in everything that's happening politically and geopolitically and the world ⁓ and constantly feeling like They don't have enough time in the day to do everything, let alone do everything well. What advice would you have for someone feeling this way right now? The first thing I would say is resign as general manager of the universe. That's what I call it, right? Letting go. Resign as general manager of the universe. Repeat after me, Tia. I resign as general manager of the universe. Yeah, it's about letting go of all the things that you can't control and focusing on what you can, right? We are all wired for negativity. we're also wired for certainty. So in the world we're in and for you as working moms, feeling this so muchness of all of the things coming at you all at once, in a world where we're not wired for that, right? And so in this world of so muchness, and so how can you let go of the things you can't control and focus on what you can? And a part of that, right, that's where we really focus on our mindset. because how many of us, right? We all have this inner bully. I want you to name your inner bully. It takes away their power. So my inner bully, her name is Edna. And I will have full-on conversations with Edna because again, we're wired to say, I am not enough or I should be doing more, right? So we've got to stop shitting all over ourselves and we've got to focus on what we are and what you are and what you as a mom, as a leader, as a human, bring to your family, to your community, to the world and focus on that and stop beating ourselves up. And so I think that's, that is that, that piece of letting go what you can't control and then really giving yourself permission and the space and the grace to say, I am allowed. And I know T, I've shared this with you before, but one of the things that I believe strongly in is we all have to give ourselves that permission to say, I am allowed. I'm allowed to take a break. I'm allowed to not have all the answers. I'm allowed to be imperfectly perfect, just as I am. I'm allowed to say no. I'm allowed to set boundaries. I'm allowed to take ⁓ treats to school that maybe don't look perfect, right? I was never the cook in our house, so I would not. be making those homemade meals. We had Finn for yourself nights, right? Even sometimes with the kids. Like it's giving yourself that grace to say, I'm doing the best I can where I'm at with what I have. And as a part of that, and one of the things that I'd been teaching for years is, so when I was diagnosed with my cancer, I had a good friend, Patty, who was diagnosed at 24. And she was the reason I found my lump. And when I was diagnosed, she gave me a simple two-sided handwritten note. that I still have in my desk to this day. And I'm gonna give you all in the show notes, I think Tia will share a link to this, but I wanna read these words to you. I want you to close your eyes right now, wherever you are, as long as you're not driving, and listen, and I want you to think about where am I at right now? You are allowed to be sad, to feel helpless, to be tired, to feel anxious, to be frustrated, to be depressed, to be lonely, to be angry, to cry. to feel out of control, to feel overwhelmed, to feel scared, to grieve, to feel like no one can relate, to feel behind, to wonder what if, to long for simple things and simple times, to wish for more. But on the flip side, you turn the card over and it says you are allowed to find the good, to be grateful, to be excited, to be happy, to be hopeful, to realize you are not alone. to feel loved, to find joy, to realize you are stronger than you ever thought, to laugh, to be surrounded by people who care, to find your grit, to give yourself grace, to find the opportunity, to do what you can, to learn to ask for help, to make a difference, to be you. Which side of the card are you on today? And I think for so many of us, right, we are on both sides of the card at the same time. And it's not only then, where are we? It's also where are our kids, where are our spouses, where are those that we may be leading or working with or volunteering on a board or whatever it is in our lives. And so it's leaning in and giving ourselves permission to feel, to have that emotional intelligence and that emotional agility and say, here is where I'm at right now and here's what I'm going to give myself permission to do. And a part of that permission is also making that space for ourselves to be able to say, I am allowed to have a lunch break. I am allowed to say no. I'm allowed to not have it all figured out. I'm allowed to have Fin for Yourself night for dinner. Whatever it is for you, whatever it is you need to give yourself permission to do and to feel to be able to show up as the best version of you right now. And so that's where we actually build out with a lot of my clients. ⁓ I'm allowed walls, right? Where you literally write on a post and they're like, here's what I'm giving myself permission to do. Right? And sometimes that to do is also not to do. Like I talk about building a not to do list, right? Because it's not just about time management anymore. It's about energy management. Right. And what we allow in is what will continue. And there's a lot of research right now about capacity and the fact that none of us have it. And that's why we're in this cycle of overwhelm and then you add on top of that all the responsibilities as a mom with your kids and you know being the uber and shuffling I remember right being that uber driver and getting all the kids to... so much time in my car right now it's insane I'm like the other time I'm driving this car around yeah yeah yeah right and and have your little mom's snack bag because you're eating in the car while they're at practice or you're picking them up and you know and I had a calendar where I had to you know because we had three so it was like it was not It was not man-to-man defense. was zone defense, right? Like you had to divide and conquer. And that meant, you know, one time I forgot a kid at school, even though I had the color coded calendar, even though it was perfect, right? And so we have to give ourselves grace. Yeah, we forget stuff. And sometimes my husband would beat himself up like, ⁓ we missed this. And I'm like, no, have so like grace. I mean, it's amazing how much we do that if a ball drops, it's like, yeah, I'm surprised it hasn't dropped sooner, you know? And a part of that is making sure we're also like not giving up our dreams as a part of that process too. And like, I love what you're doing with, you know, the feel good club and for all of these amazing moms and, you know, it's so important to be having those conversations because, you know, we can be moms and be driven or ambitious, right? Or we can be that amazing leader. and be a good mom. It doesn't mean you have to do it all at once. It doesn't mean it's going to be perfect, ⁓ but it's again, it's giving yourself permission to say, I am allowed, right? And I actually have this ⁓ upright. This says, good now is better than perfect never, right? For me, cause I'm a perfectionist. And so I've had to also like let go of the perfection. and just show up as who we are and do the best we can do and give ourselves that grace. And also give each other grace. And build the community. Yes, each other. Yes, absolutely. Let's take a quick pause for something that can really support you. If you constantly question if you are good enough as a working mom and desperately want to feel happier. I'd love to invite you to a complimentary discovery call with me. In 45 minutes, we'll get clear on what is out of alignment, what you want your days to feel like, and two to three simple changes you can make immediately to feel calmer and more confident. It's completely free and it's a chance for us to connect and see if the Feel Good Club for Working Moms or one-on-one coaching might support you. To grab a spot, go to tiagram.com forward slash discovery call. That's tiagram.com forward slash discovery call and pick a time that works for you. How can someone who struggles with letting go of the things that they can't control? And let's, because there's all different areas of life, right? Let's say with our kids, there's maybe, maybe your kid's getting bullied. Maybe your kid is, there's just things that are happening that are hard, that are challenging, and you don't have control over, but it is, I'm thinking of the first side of the card. Those things are affecting you emotionally, affecting you psychologically. They're impacting you. What advice would you have for someone that... maybe is, I'm gonna say like too connected to the things they can't control or they're anxious or worrying about it. I guess on practically how do you release that? Yeah, like literally make a list, like write it out. Like here's what I can't control. ⁓ And then it's what I call the stop, shift and reframe. So the stop is all about giving yourself that grace. is about. you know, really understanding where am I at? How am I feeling? Right? But then the shift is about then now what do I do with it? And as a part of that, what piece of this can I control? Now we use like a roller coaster, right? Some of our kids can talk us into getting on these, doing things we would never do, right? Yeah. I do not like roller coasters at all, but I got on this roller coaster one day. I took a lot of Xanax, I'm not gonna lie. ⁓ But I learned something. And so I actually do this now. I even teach leaders this, right? Like we are all here, right? And especially when we have things we can't control. So what would happen if you started letting go, right? which guys better clench fists or hands up? Hands up because letting go changes the whole ride. So can you change it? Yes or no. If the answer is no, let it go. Write it down, know, burn it, right? Put it on a piece of paper, burn it, do whatever you need to do. And if you can change it, then you have to decide, it worth it? Right? Does this really matter? Is this something like you're putting the stake in the ground on, right? So I think about my kids when they were teenagers. I don't know if any of you have teenagers, but ⁓ somehow every single plastic glass we owned would end up in their bedroom. Yeah, right. That's common. Uh-huh. And then... it would eventually maybe would get in the sink and then it would be this just mound of stuff, right? Or like all of the dirty clothes and the clean clothes all mixed together on the floor, like all of these things, right? Or when like, when you are nine in my house, you learn how to do your own laundry. Now they didn't put it away the way I would, but I had to start letting that go, right? And so it's like really deciding which of these things am I gonna like say? No, and which of these things am I gonna start letting go of? Because here's what I know and here's what the research shows. It's not just the little things that stress you out, keep you stuck, make you overwhelmed. Right, I mean, it's not just the big things, it's the little things too. It's the little things. ⁓ and the pads, they build and build and stuff. Like no one in my house knows how to change a toilet paper roll. And so, like they'll even put the toilet paper on top of the toilet paper roll and that used to drive me crazy. Right. Then I decided, you know what? That's not when I'm gonna like put a stake in the ground though. I'm okay with that. I've let it go. And now I even use it and I put a picture of it up in my keynotes and people are like, yeah. And so now the joke's on them. So I just, ⁓ it's really deciding what matters most. Yeah, and how much energy you wanna put towards it, right? Because that gripping is a lot of exertion. it makes you more exhausted, more of a one, but many of us, especially right now, because there's so much we can't control and so much we can't change. then, and the thing is, it's not just one thing, it's all the things. And the research is showing our bodies and our brains are not made for the world we're in today. Yeah. so- amygdala's are like, ⁓ this is not how it was. No. And so how can we start- letting go of those things. And one of the things too, like, and as moms, we worry, right? Like the way, my mom always used to say, you are only as happy as your least happy child. Yes, I've heard that so many times. Right? Yeah. And there's so much truth to that. we've had so many issues over the years and both of, ⁓ two out of the three of my kids have anxiety. and one has had depression and flunked out of school and college and like all of these things, right? And my son who had ADHD and struggled all through school. ⁓ I remember vividly once he didn't turn in his English paper in high school. And it was, he was a freshman and like, had a choice. I was like, are we going to use this as a teaching lesson and a learning lesson? Or am I going to go in there and be the parent who's like, you need to give him another chance and he has this and that, Like I am an advocate. I was an advocate for him. And at the same time, he had to learn to become an advocate for himself. Right. And so a part of that was learning when to push and when to pause, right. As a parent of, ⁓ you know, when am I gonna be that advocate and stand up, right, and speak up, or when am I gonna let them start owning that and be their own advocate? And so that was a really hard thing to do, because know, Mama Bear, like we just- we wanna, yeah. Right? Yeah. But now, like he totally gets it. ⁓ And you know, he got a D in that class, but he learns from He's still alive, he's okay. Right. And he grew from it. so, it didn't ruin his chances to go to college or any of that. And it's so hard, especially when you want your kids to also have experiences that you didn't have. So for me, I was the first one in my family to go to college. And so for me, was like, education was my way out of my small town and ⁓ college was the way. But maybe that's not his path. And he has to figure it out. And he's also on his own timeline. And so that letting go of that, that loss of letting your kid be who they are, not who you want them to be. Yes. My older daughter who's as you know, she's autistic and so her journey, her path, it's hers. And it's actually been a huge blessing because there isn't like, there's no way my husband and I could control what's happening with her. Like she has this journey, she has this and we're guides and we're coaches, ⁓ but it's, have had to learn, you said it with, ⁓ letting go of control of, or I'm allowed, I was thinking of just radical acceptance, like accepting what is, accepting how I feel about it, accepting what I can't change and yeah, and letting go. ⁓ Let's talk about bouncing back because whether it's divorce, you had, cancer and then there's other things as well. ⁓ How does a working mom bounce back? It doesn't need to be in a day, right? It's not like this sort of toxic positivity where everything's fine when it's not, but what are your steps? What is your advice for when life, work, family, know, knocks you down? Let's talk a little bit about that resilience piece. Yeah, and a part of it, I don't even talk about bouncing back. I talk about bouncing full. Right, because we are always learning. Right, we're actually never going back. Yes, we're learning from those experiences. We're growing from those. And so for me, it is about, right, first and what you said, which I loved, right, that awareness, that acknowledgement, that accepting what is, and then really, you know, giving yourself permission to feel it all, like, right, to be there. Like, I remember after my divorce, I couldn't get out of bed. for days. My divorce for me was harder than my cancer because it came out of nowhere, right? And it was my friend and there were just so many layers of betrayal and trust. And she dropped your name. mean, there's like, yeah, the layers of... Yeah, and we were in the middle of like trying, know, fertility and like had finally made the decision after the cancer, which was a big deal, like all of these things. And a part of it was giving myself permission to feel what I needed to feel. And then eventually, right, also with the help of friends and family, that community, that support, that connection, which is why what you're doing with the Feel Good Club is so important, is critical. from a resilience standpoint. And I talk about not just resilience as powering through and enduring, right? It's about redefining what resilience actually means because yes, it means bouncing forward, but it also means giving yourself that grace and permission to learn from it, to grow from it, to take care of yourself, to not just power through at all costs. Because here's the reality. The grit without the grace isn't sustainable. We need the grit, right? The grit is what allows you to then shift and move forward. But you have to have the grace. You have to give yourself that permission. You have to say, am allowed. You have to let go of the things you can't control. And that's then what allows you to truly shift. And the shift is where the magic happens. That's what allows you to bounce forward. That's what allows you to say, what matters most right now in this moment? What do I need to let go of, right? This is all about that mindset. Yeah. It's about focusing on what you can control, letting go of what you can't control, which then allows you that growth, which then allows you, it's what I call the reframe, to be able to truly move forward, to build that momentum. Because to be able to do that, you have to let go, right? Of the things weighing you down. Or even like all of our, I mentioned earlier, ⁓ a not to do list, right? Getting the not to do list, getting things, right? Setting the boundaries, what do you know is things. Yeah. Yeah, but to truly reframe. You have to, and truly be able to bounce forward, you have to acknowledge what is and accept it and feel it. And then you have to say, and now I'm taking the next best step. You don't have to have it all figured out, right? I don't have to have all the answers. You just have to keep moving forward. And to do that, you have to stay rooted in your why and your purpose, right? So what is that for you? What gets you out of bed every day? Not what... keeps you stressed out every single night, but what gets you out of bed every day? What lights you up? Is that your kids? Is it your family? Is it that and your work? Whatever it is for you. So focusing on that. And then as a part of that, also then focusing on that connection, right? That community. Because that multiplies. Not doing it alone. Not doing it alone and asking for help. Yes. you know, and I remember going through my cancer. ⁓ And I had the best advice from another cancer survivor and she said, let people help. Assign someone else, right? And now they have, you know, all the meal trains and all the things that it's easy to do those things. That 24 years ago, they didn't have all that. And so I let go and I gave someone and I said, here, right? And I had friends who cleaned my toilets. I had friends who took Brandon because he was two and I didn't have the energy, right? All of these things, it was learning to ask for help and then accepting it. And so like, it's that connection that community. And then it's also then finding that joy, finding that gratitude, like staying rooted in that. I have a, I have an app that I found years ago, cause I do a gratitude journal, but it's called three good things. And at the end of every day, it asked me what went well today. No matter what, I can always find three things that went can always, yes. Right? And it's so, it's so connected to that. Yes. And the joy, like, so here, and here's another thing when you think about bouncing forward, Like it's not just some big thing. It's about what are those little small habits that you can do every single day? Yeah. Whether that's reaching out to a friend, whether that's asking for help, whether that's the three good things, whether that's, what are those things that truly light you up and bring you joy? Yeah. Right? And then looking at it's what I call that resilience operating system. Like what do we need? Those things, maybe even during our day, when we're having a really bad day and we're feeling like this, What are things that take five minutes, like 10 to 15 minutes that can really recharge and refuel us? And so, and celebration's a part of that. Joy is a part of that. making it, yeah, making the choice. Like you said, it's all about agency. And Kim, you didn't say it, but also just throughout what you're saying in the Bounce Forward is choosing, accepting the permission and community, all of it, of course. ⁓ But what I wrote down is grit, grace and hope. Like that you actually believe in courtesy and now you're gonna take- I can't read my handwriting, but I wrote down hope because that's the last piece. those are important. But here's the thing, hope alone isn't enough. It has to be followed by action. Yes, well- Right? Yeah, and a lot of people think like you just feel it, but no, you need to take action. No, you know, and like I think about like years ago and I talk about green bananas, right? So I was going through my cancer. I I finally felt good enough to go to the grocery store. Someone was staying at home with Brandon and I went to the store and I saw all these green bananas and I started putting all these green bananas in my cart. Everybody thought I was crazy. I took them home and I put those green bananas on my counter. And those green bananas to me signified hope. Hope that I would be here when they ripen. Mm, 24 years later, I still buy green bananas. I always like. So for you, what are your green bananas? What's lighting you up? What are you excited about? What's three in my ear? For you, right? Because we need to hold on to that when we're feeling like this, right? To hold on to the hope and the joy and the gratitude and the celebration and all of those things. And it's the little, small, intentional acts every single day. Yes. Right? It's not some big thing that's going to come in. and solve our overwhelmed problem for us. Cause by the way, you know what? Our to-do list is gonna be there until we die. Yeah, yeah. It's always gonna be. ⁓ Kim, this was so good. Where can people find you and connect with you if they want to learn more? Yeah, absolutely. So you can go to kimbecking.com or all of my social media channels. And then I know you'll share in the show notes the URL loud card as well. I know here's the other thing. ⁓ that I wanna share about this. Sadly, Patty, my friend who was diagnosed at 24, she had a recurrence and passed away years later. ⁓ But her legacy lives on. This has now been passed out to over 850,000 people, the UR Loudcard. And so you think about the ripple effect that each of us are making with our families, with our kids, with our communities, with our workplaces every single day by just showing up and being who we are. Yep, absolutely, absolutely. This is your reminder to accept, to choose to bounce forward, give yourself permission, lean into community, stay connected to your purpose and choose joy. Kim, thank you again for coming on the show and hope to see you again soon. Thank you so much, Tia. Take care. Thank you for joining me on the Feel Good Club show. I hope today's episode left you feeling inspired and equipped. to take on your day with confidence, self-love, and joy. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with your fellow ambitious working moms. Remember, you are not alone on this journey. We're all here to support each other in feeling good and living our best lives. Until next time, take care and be hopeful. And remember, Prioritize your happiness.