Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E189: The Habits That Saved Their Marriage w/Casey & Meygan Caston

Transcript

E189: The Habits That Saved Their Marriage w/Casey & Meygan Caston · The Lila Rose Show

• 0:00
  Everyone gets married because they love each other.
• 0:01
  It's great. Love it.
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  We did too. There's no plan, so if you fail
• 0:05
  to plan, you plan to fail. We came into marriage hurt and
• 0:09
  we didn't even know it, and then we continue to hurt each other.
• 0:11
  Masculine energy is about initiation.
• 0:14
  It's the spark. The feminine energy is like the
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  nurturer of that spark. Something that we implemented
• 0:20
  and it's been a game changer for us, is the.
• 0:23
  When we've helped two adults solve their relationship, it
• 0:26
  really impacts 3 generations. What would you say are the top
• 0:30
  two other essential no brainer tools that most people are just
• 0:33
  not practicing? Well, OK.
• 0:38
  Hello everybody, Welcome back to the Lila Rose Show.
• 0:40
  Today we're sitting down with Megan and Casey of the
• 0:42
  organization Marriage 365. Now, I think you guys are going
• 0:46
  to love this episode because it's hard to find in today's
• 0:49
  world. I would say a couple that are
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  actively doing really incredible marriage advice and relationship
• 0:56
  advice who are actually walking the walk as well as talking the
• 0:59
  talk. That's why I really love
• 1:01
  Marriage 365. In this episode, we're going to
• 1:03
  talk all things marriage, how to deal with really tough things in
• 1:07
  marriage and relationships, dealing with conflict, dealing
• 1:09
  with communication. There's a lot of really
• 1:11
  practical, amazing advice that's given in this episode.
• 1:14
  If you're going to love it, enjoy.
• 1:16
  And you guys don't forget, if you are listening right now on
• 1:18
  podcast apps, Apple or Spotify, or if you are watching this on
• 1:22
  YouTube, make sure that you're subscribed.
• 1:24
  Did you know that over 90% of the people watching this
• 1:27
  content, you guys aren't subscribed yet?
• 1:28
  You might not even know you're not subscribed.
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  So if you're on YouTube, click that subscription button, ring
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  that notification bell. And if you're on podcast app,
• 1:35
  make sure that you are subscribed to the Lila Rose Show
• 1:38
  so that you never miss another episode.
• 1:40
  Megan and Casey Caston, thanks for joining the podcast.
• 1:43
  Thanks. Thanks for having us.
• 1:45
  Here, I appreciate it. Yes, I love having beautiful
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  married couples on the show. And I think I saw your ministry
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  through and I know it's it's an organization.
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  I'm using the word ministry because I think it's definitely
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  a ministry. I think on social media and I
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  saw what you guys were doing with marriage, promoting strong
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  marriages, ultimately fighting back against divorce culture
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  because that's what a lot of this is.
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  And I was like, this couple looks really great.
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  Sent it to my producer. We were texting and she's like,
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  they're here in Southern California, get them in the
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  studio. So thank you for coming.
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  I'm really excited to talk to you guys.
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  Excited to be here and I love that we get to have these
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  vulnerable and open conversations because it's it's
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  needed. You're right.
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  So Marriage 365 is your organization and my
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  understanding is you have actually physically sat down
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  with now thousands of married couples to help them strengthen
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  their marriage. Yep.
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  Yeah. I mean we, whether it's coaching
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  in person, our retreats, but I mean I think a lot of the
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  interactions we have are vulnerable conversations even in
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  our DMS. I mean, we probably get 3 to 400
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  dollar, 303 to 400 DMS every single day from people that are
• 2:59
  are reaching for help, that are lost, that don't know what to do
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  next. And they've seen us as a
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  valuable source for them, which has been humbling because, you
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  know, our story hasn't always been this, this is like happy
• 3:12
  connected couple. I mean, there was a point where
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  we really hated each other and the words that we said to each
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  other, you know, we're very hurtful.
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  So we've, we've come a long way and and I think we, you know, we
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  teach the tools that helped us actually overcome hurt, anger
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  and resentment. Did you say 3 to 4 DMS a day?
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  3 to 400. DMS A day of couples wanting
• 3:37
  help. That's how many people, yeah.
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  I'm not surprised to hear that because when I see what you're
• 3:42
  doing, it looks very unique because I think there's some
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  like guru experts out there in the relationship space that are
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  like, if you feel like divorce is best for you, go for it.
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  You know, there's this kind of like you do you what's best for
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  you. The kids will be happy if you
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  guys are happy and that go your separate way.
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  So I think there's this, you know, in the therapy counselor
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  world, and then there's the hardcore Christian world, which
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  is like, don't you know, thankfully, which is don't
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  divorce. You guys are in this interesting
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  space where I know faith is, you know your personal background
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  and passion, but you're speaking in a way that is applicable to
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  anyone. Anyone, anyone that's wanting
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  help. Yeah, yeah.
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  And I think that a lot of these people, you're right, there's
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  extremes. There's the OK, well it I don't
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  feel in love anymore so I'm going to get divorced.
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  And then there's the other extreme where it's either the
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  hyper religiosity or it's just like, even if there's abuse or
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  addiction, we're going to stay married.
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  But really most of us live in the in between.
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  And I think a lot of people feel so lost and confused because
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  there's really poor information out there that's confusing.
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  And you know, someone sees a TikTok and they believe it.
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  Oh, well, that's my husband. He's a narcissist.
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  Oh, I guess I should divorce or oh, my wife had an affair.
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  This isn't fixable. Oh, I guess we should get
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  divorced. And what we have come to find
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  through not just healing our own marriage, but in helping
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  thousands of couples, is that most marriage problems are
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  fixable. Which is this gives a lot of
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  people hope, right? Tell me about what made you
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  passionate about this. You kept both reference now your
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  marriage and we're going through this transformation process in
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  your marriage. I know your ministry
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  organization started after that transformation process.
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  So tell us about that. Well, we met in college and fell
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  in love and dating was super easy and I think we believed all
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  the myths so that, you know, Love Is All you need and it
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  would just carry us through past all the hurts.
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  And so we blindly walked into marriage thinking, well, it's
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  going to be like dating just like forever.
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  And we're going to have kids at one point.
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  And all the expectations that we had over each other, which were
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  way extreme. And like, you know, they were
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  like codependent, like you're going to make me happy all the
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  time came crashing down. And then we were faced with all
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  of the trauma of our childhood. So between both sets of
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  marriage, there's 12 marriages. Between both sets of our
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  parents, yes. So we came.
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  From a lot 1212 marriages between both sets of your
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  parents, 12 marriages, so 6. So my mom's been married 6
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  times, yes. So what I knew growing up was if
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  there was an argument, I was going to go get a new dad.
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  So that was and that was normalized for me.
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  That happened so frequently that I just thought that that was
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  fine and normal. And so when Megan and I would
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  start to fight, I would think, Oh my gosh, if we continue this
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  fight any longer, we're going to get divorced.
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  And so I tried to shut every sort of conflict down because I
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  was so terrified. But of course, that wasn't the
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  message she received. Yeah, because growing up, my, my
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  parents, we, they stuffed everything and then all of a
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  sudden they would explode. And so my thought was, well,
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  we're going to go to marriage and we're going to talk about
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  everything. So here I am.
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  I'm going to him, right? Bringing up conflict.
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  Hey, let's talk about this. And my approach wasn't the
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  healthiest. And then it would terrify you
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  and you would avoid. So here I am, a fighter.
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  He's a fighter. And that cycle just continued.
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  And there was no repair. And so, Long story short, we had
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  so much resentment towards one another.
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  There was so much hurt. And you've heard that term hurt
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  people hurt people. We came into marriage hurt, and
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  we didn't even know it. And then we continue to hurt
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  each other. And so in year three, I begged
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  you to go to therapy and he wouldn't go.
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  And so my best friend said, you know, this is a massive decision
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  to get divorced. You should talk to somebody
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  about this. And so I went to a therapist on
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  my own. And what she said to me changed
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  my entire life. And it's now the mantra we use
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  in our marriage and at Marriage 365.
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  And it's if you want to make a better marriage starts by making
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  a better you. And that intrigued me because I
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  at that point, right, it was all Casey's fault, Wasn't my fault.
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  I mean, I had some things, but in my mind, it was he was the
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  problem. And what basically she was
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  saying is, well, you're on the couch.
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  He's not here. But I can show you, Megan, how
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  to be a healthy wife and not for him, but for yourself because
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  that's what you vowed to do. And so for 13 months, I worked
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  on our marriage by myself. I did not have a a willing
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  participant. And through that, my heart
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  softened. I feel like God used that, of
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  course, as to soften my heart towards him.
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  I was able to forgive Casey. I started apologizing for random
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  things. I remember he.
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  I was like, who is this person? Like she shocked me with because
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  we were we fought like cats and dogs.
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  So as soon as I would get up angry and she would say
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  something and then I would say something and we just escalate
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  until this screaming match. And then all of a sudden like
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  I'm the one yelling and she's just like, she's not having any
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  of that. And she's she's setting
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  boundaries. And I was just, I was.
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  I was alone in my dysfunction. What, what does it look like to
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  work on your marriage by yourself for 13 months?
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  You know, he, you said he wasn't a willing participant yet.
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  And the therapist says to you, listen, you can, you can solve
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  you work on you. And again, in the kind of
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  divorce culture world, often that means you can solve you
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  take care of you. Like cut out.
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  He's toxic, he's narcissist. You know, he's abusive, he's all
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  of these things. And yeah, of course there are
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  actual narcissists out there. There's actual abusers out
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  there. But I think these terms are
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  thrown around. What did that look like for you?
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  It's a great question. Yeah.
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  The first thing that she really had me focus on was my self-care
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  because I was pouring from an empty cup.
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  And then I was showing up in my marriage stressed out, angry,
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  bitter, maxed out my schedule. And so, like, I started working
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  out. I started to pray.
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  I started to journal just basic things like rather than scroll
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  on, you know, social media, I would take a walk.
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  And and that alone, I feel like was a huge shift that I needed
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  just for me, right? Regardless of him.
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  Another big thing was to randomly give unsolicited
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  apologies for things that I could own.
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  And that was really hard for someone who has who had a lot of
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  pride and a lot of her at the time.
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  But I remember Casey for years telling me you're so
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  controlling, you're so controlling, You're so bossy.
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  You feel like, I feel like you're my mom, right?
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  Which is a common complaint a lot of men have around about
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  their wives. And I never wanted to admit it.
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  But then as I was able to really start evaluating myself,
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  journaling, praying, having those moments to myself to go,
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  Do you think he could be right? Do you think he, maybe I am
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  controlling? He's right.
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  I, I could be controlling. So I would randomly go up to him
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  and say, you know, I just, I'll never forget the first time I
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  did it. You know, you've been telling me
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  for years that I'm controlling and I've recognized you're
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  right. And I think just saying the
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  words, you're right. I think you're jaw dropped.
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  Yeah, I, I said. You're.
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  Right, you're right. I've been controlling and I said
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  and I am, I am so sorry because you don't deserve that.
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  I don't want to be your mom. You don't deserve to have a
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  wife. That's controlling.
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  You must feel so helpless in those moments and frustrated and
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  and I'm going to really work on that.
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  And and this was a season where our marriage was in a safe
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  place. It was in a safe.
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  It was. It was not in a safe place.
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  Not a safe place. It wasn't a safe place for me to
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  to take ownership and responsibility because she
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  wasn't doing the same thing. So she apologized to me and I
• 11:19
  realized like, she's taking ownership and it, it really
• 11:23
  lowered my defenses. It, it started make me evaluate
• 11:26
  like, huh, like she's changing her ways and a marriage.
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  It takes 2. And when one person changes the
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  dance, the other person has to respond to that.
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  Some people are not willing to take that journey, you know, and
• 11:42
  that's unfortunate, but it will force that other partner to go,
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  OK, you know, instead of her going to the left, I have to go
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  the right. Like she's now changing moves.
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  And as I started seeing more confidence coming out of her,
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  it, it was actually very attractive and it, it really
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  piqued my interest like what what's happening with her?
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  And even in those moments where she's actually showing up in the
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  healthiest way and I'm not, it being became really clear who
• 12:14
  was the unhealthy spouse. Well, and again, we were both
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  unhealthy when we got married, right?
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  And it's not to say that I was perfect, that I, you know, I got
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  an A+ on this, but I was making a lot of effort and change.
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  And I think the message behind if you want to make a better
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  marriage, make a better you, it's a message of empowerment
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  because who do we have control over?
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  Ourselves. That's it.
• 12:36
  I can't control my spouse, what he says, his response, his
• 12:40
  reaction, but I can control all those things within me.
• 12:42
  And so it's kind of this way, as someone who I like to call as a
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  recovering control freak, it's still kind of a way to be able
• 12:49
  to be in control because you're in control of yourself.
• 12:52
  And then as I started to do this, yeah, your defenses, you
• 12:55
  know, went down. I worked a lot on forgiveness
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  because I had so much resentment towards him of just letting that
• 13:01
  pain go because I was recognizing that holding on to
• 13:04
  the pain that he caused me was actually harming me more than it
• 13:07
  was harming him. How did that work though?
• 13:09
  Because you were doing this work?
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  He was kind of maybe starting to realize work was being done.
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  Maybe he wanted to get in on work too, because it seemed to
• 13:15
  be like working well. But I mean, again, I'm just
• 13:19
  throwing this out there and only share what you're comfortable
• 13:20
  sharing. But if he had caused you all
• 13:22
  this hurt, you know, you felt this resentment was some of that
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  ongoing. Like his behaviors were not like
• 13:27
  it wasn't something he did 10 years ago.
• 13:29
  It was something that was like in the marriage, regular stuff
• 13:31
  that just drove you nuts. So how did you continue to keep
• 13:34
  up the the gig of I'm sorry, this is an area I need to work
• 13:39
  on even while he wasn't fully responding as that team player
• 13:43
  yet. Does that question make sense?
• 13:45
  And I'm curious your take on your experience during this time
• 13:47
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  I think a lot of people are like, yeah, if they're willing
• 14:59
  to work, let's both work on it. How long do you wait until they
• 15:03
  will work on it while you're working on it?
• 15:04
  Do you see what I'm saying? Yes.
• 15:06
  I always tell women and men that I they a coach.
• 15:09
  You have to have an internal timeline.
• 15:10
  You don't tell and share your timeline with your spouse.
• 15:13
  That's the unwilling partner because that would throw them
• 15:15
  off. But I had a two year time limit.
• 15:17
  I was going to give myself two years to work on my marriage by
• 15:20
  myself. And what I tell people is once
• 15:23
  it starts impacting your mental health, your sleep, your
• 15:27
  parenting, you can't go to work anymore.
• 15:29
  Then you've crossed that boundary where you are in A1
• 15:32
  sided marriage and you don't want to enable that behavior,
• 15:35
  right? I, you don't want to teach your
• 15:37
  spouse that they can just check out and not be present.
• 15:39
  We never want to enable that behavior.
• 15:41
  And so but I, but I again, I recognize that I had so much
• 15:44
  area of growth in my own life that I wanted to work on myself
• 15:47
  in that season. And so that, yeah, I gave myself
• 15:49
  basically a two year timeline. But to answer that other
• 15:53
  question about how could I go through daily life when he's
• 15:55
  just not, you know, being kind and helpful and loving
• 16:00
  compassion. I go back to hurt people, hurt
• 16:05
  people. And rarely do we ever meet a
• 16:06
  couple where they got married and want a divorce or they got
• 16:10
  married and, you know, I don't like who you are.
• 16:12
  They've forgotten who they are, and they've forgotten their love
• 16:16
  story, and they forget that if someone's yelling or withdrawing
• 16:21
  or giving the silent treatment, that is a symptom that they are
• 16:23
  hurting. Now, it's not an excuse to hurt
• 16:26
  people, but it is the explanation.
• 16:27
  And so I was able to see Casey through the eyes of compassion
• 16:31
  to say, wow, he must be so hurting that this is the way
• 16:33
  he's showing up. And I was able to do that
• 16:36
  because I got myself help realizing that the way I was
• 16:39
  showing up, I too was hurting, right?
• 16:41
  But then I was fixing that hurt. So I wasn't showing up the same
• 16:44
  way. I was showing up in a healthier
• 16:45
  way. Yeah, and I, I want to say that,
• 16:47
  you know, looking at my own life and then also the people that we
• 16:51
  coach, being able to take someone from a place of
• 16:55
  insecurity where they're they're running off of fear based
• 17:00
  thoughts right about themselves and about their partner.
• 17:03
  You're the enemy. I'm stupid, I'm not lovable and
• 17:08
  moving to to a place of confidence.
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  And when they can stand in that place of confidence, then they
• 17:13
  can actually separate themselves from you're in this hurt cycle
• 17:18
  and you're lashing out. And I actually don't have to
• 17:21
  participate in that anymore because what happens is insecure
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  people kind of actually engage in that cycle.
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  And so then you've got the toxic dance where two people are
• 17:32
  hurting each other at the same time.
• 17:34
  And then there's this moment where you separate yourself.
• 17:37
  That's a beautiful place to be in because if you begin to start
• 17:40
  working on yourself, you will grow into a place of confidence
• 17:44
  because you're becoming more self aware, more spousal aware.
• 17:47
  You're going to the, you know, when Megan was talking about
• 17:49
  journaling, working out, self-care.
• 17:53
  We're taking time for ourselves and we live in such a
• 17:56
  distraction driven culture. You know, we can't stand in
• 18:00
  Starbucks, a line at Starbucks long enough for us to pull out
• 18:04
  our phones because we're so bored.
• 18:06
  But we need time to process, like, is this working out for
• 18:10
  me? How am I showing up in life?
• 18:12
  Am I really happy? Instead, we distract ourselves
• 18:16
  so we never get that chance to do the work to bring us to a
• 18:20
  place of confidence and confidence.
• 18:23
  I love the word confidence because the the root word is
• 18:27
  federi, which is Latin for trust.
• 18:30
  So confidence is trusting in oneself and it takes the process
• 18:36
  of getting to know yourself to trust yourself, right?
• 18:39
  So there's, there's the, the main point of processing and,
• 18:42
  you know, taking time to think. And that that really changed the
• 18:48
  way we walked into marriage, thinking love is the foundation,
• 18:54
  but it's not. It's trust because trust teaches
• 19:00
  us who is safe enough for us to love.
• 19:04
  And, and this whole like concept behind ROM coms and comedies and
• 19:09
  all this idea about love is everything that we want and it's
• 19:12
  wrapped up in an hour and a half has really kind of propagated
• 19:16
  this myth that, well, as long as I feel in love, then this is
• 19:22
  making me happy. But trust is about showing up.
• 19:26
  It's about being responsible. And the the reality is we just
• 19:29
  don't have enough great, trustworthy people out in
• 19:34
  politics as celebrities, as brands.
• 19:38
  So we don't know what it looks like to take responsibility
• 19:41
  because for for Megan showing up and saying, you know what,
• 19:44
  you're right, I am controlling. That was her taking
• 19:46
  responsibility. And it was it was almost like
• 19:50
  counter cultural. It was like this moment was
• 19:52
  like, what is this? I've never seen this before on
• 19:56
  you. And it changed everything about
• 19:59
  how I responded to her because I was like, this is different.
• 20:03
  That's, I think that's, that's a really interesting point that in
• 20:06
  today's political and social climate, apologizing is seen as
• 20:11
  weakness increasingly because I think they would, it kind of is
• 20:15
  sort of vacillated from apologize for everything,
• 20:17
  apologize for existing. I'm, I'm talking about kind of
• 20:19
  politically like woke ISM DI like you're not good enough
• 20:22
  because you're like a white man or whatever it is, right.
• 20:25
  And it goes from like radical apologize for everything now to
• 20:27
  like, don't apologize for anything.
• 20:29
  You know, just be who you are is tough luck, you know, whatever.
• 20:32
  And it's like there's a common sense middle ground where like
• 20:35
  you apologize if you do something wrong, full stop.
• 20:38
  That's it. Don't apologize for who you are
• 20:40
  that God made you, but apologize if you do something wrong.
• 20:42
  Absolutely. What we see in culture is people
• 20:44
  are blaming. We, we are a total blame
• 20:47
  culture. It wasn't me, it was somebody
• 20:49
  else. It was something else.
• 20:51
  And blaming is very, it erodes trust because you're not showing
• 20:57
  up and being responsible. Trust is about being accountable
• 21:01
  for your actions. It's saying, am I reliable?
• 21:04
  And in relationships it's so important to build trust, not
• 21:08
  love. Love springs out of that.
• 21:11
  But trust is kind of the non sexy part of your secrets are
• 21:15
  safe with me. I will be accountable for my
• 21:18
  actions and if I did something to hurt you, I'm going to take
• 21:21
  responsibility for that. And I can show up and be messy
• 21:23
  and you're still going to love me because we're messy in
• 21:26
  marriage. That's just how it goes.
• 21:27
  We make mistakes. Yeah, I have ADHD so.
• 21:31
  So there's lots of mistakes. I give her lots of opportunities
• 21:35
  to practice compassion. Actually, his number one advice
• 21:38
  for anyone that has ADHD that's married is get good at
• 21:40
  apologizing. That's true because you're going
• 21:42
  to be more impulsive. So she's apologizing, she's
• 21:46
  doing self-care, she's putting up boundaries.
• 21:48
  I'm not going to yell back or whatever it is.
• 21:51
  How does that affect you and how did you change?
• 21:53
  Did you know that up to 90% of the meat in your grocery store
• 21:56
  is not from the United States? It might say USA on the label,
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  but it's not actually from American ranchers.
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• 23:04
  She's putting up boundaries. I'm not going to yell back or
• 23:06
  whatever it is. How does that affect you and how
• 23:09
  did you change? I mean, she started to model
• 23:13
  what healthy and showing up healthy looks like.
• 23:17
  And I wanted that. I mean, deep down inside, we all
• 23:20
  look at confident people and go, I would like to be like that
• 23:23
  person, but it wasn't happening in my life.
• 23:25
  So she kind of was the standard bearer of like, we're no longer
• 23:30
  going to yell at each other. You can yell all you want, but
• 23:33
  my boundary is I'm not going to tolerate that behavior.
• 23:36
  So I remember there was this moment where I walked into the
• 23:39
  room. I'm just like steaming about
• 23:41
  something. My face is all red.
• 23:43
  I'm like, you're going to hear it from me.
• 23:45
  You ready and she saw me and she's like, hey, I I really want
• 23:49
  to hear what you have to say. Why don't you go outside, take
• 23:52
  take a beat come back in. Let's sit down like couch and
• 23:55
  let's have a healthy conversation.
• 23:57
  I was like, who is this? Because normally I would have
• 24:02
  fought back, yelled back. We would have gotten into it.
• 24:05
  But that behavior stopped, and I remember you were shocked.
• 24:08
  Does that work? Like, do you recommend that?
• 24:10
  Because I think someone might be like, well, that will just
• 24:12
  infuriate them more because they'll feel like you're being
• 24:14
  condescending because they won't like, you know, wrestle back
• 24:17
  with. You it does it does work if you
• 24:18
  do it in a really calm way. I didn't do it in a passive
• 24:21
  aggressive way or with like a snarky tone.
• 24:23
  It genuinely, I wanted to hear what he had to say, but I had to
• 24:26
  come up with my own boundaries in life to say, would I let
• 24:28
  anyone come into my life and just yell at me?
• 24:31
  Like, I'll talk to you about anything, but let's have a
• 24:34
  respectful conversation, right? And so that's kind of what it
• 24:37
  was. It was realizing my own boundary
• 24:39
  because boundaries aren't about other people, they're about you.
• 24:42
  It's saying this is the behavior I will tolerate and these are
• 24:45
  the behaviors that I won't tolerate.
• 24:47
  And now I to be completely transparent, I had to say that
• 24:51
  boundary at least for three months or four months.
• 24:54
  To do that a couple times because the first time I was
• 24:56
  like, OK, let's test this boundary oh, you're going to put
• 24:59
  a stop right there. Let's see if you really.
• 25:01
  Need it. Like I walked away and he was
• 25:02
  like, oh, there you go walking away, right?
• 25:05
  Kind of like getting that response.
• 25:06
  But then again, if hurt people hurt people, I know he's
• 25:09
  responding that way. So I was able to just completely
• 25:11
  cut that off to go, no, wait, we deserve to have a respectful
• 25:14
  conversation. He'll calm down eventually and
• 25:17
  we'll talk about it. And that's kind of that like
• 25:19
  mindset that I had, so. Yeah, I, I think again, I was
• 25:23
  just, I started to get inspired. I saw a healthy person in front
• 25:27
  of me and confidence is sexy, confidence in yourself.
• 25:31
  And again it she wasn't changing for me.
• 25:34
  So she there was a settled Ness within her that was completely
• 25:38
  immovable by my efforts. Like she was working on herself
• 25:43
  for herself. So she was able to separate the
• 25:47
  noise of me from herself and stand strong.
• 25:51
  Meaning. She was a gift, regardless of
• 25:53
  whether you're going to receive the gift.
• 25:54
  And I think that's a really spiritual principle, actually,
• 25:57
  yes, about us as human beings, like we are, we are gifts and
• 26:00
  other people are gifts. We can freely choose to receive
• 26:03
  or give. But you're receiving of me as a
• 26:05
  gift or your refusal to receive me doesn't change that I'm a
• 26:08
  gift. And that's that confidence
• 26:09
  you're talking. About We are supposed to check
• 26:11
  our own speck in our eye before we see the plank in our spouses.
• 26:16
  Oh, sorry, the other person. And I think that that's just a,
• 26:20
  a call to personal responsibility.
• 26:22
  And I don't think anybody's ever ashamed or disappointed like,
• 26:27
  oh, I worked on myself. I did self-care.
• 26:28
  Now I feel worse. They feel better.
• 26:30
  Yeah, you're going to feel better.
• 26:32
  And I remember he came to me. We were in our one bedroom
• 26:35
  apartment at the time and within that 13 month period at the very
• 26:39
  end of it and you like fell to your knees and you were like, I
• 26:42
  can't keep this up anymore. He's like, I'm tired of trying
• 26:45
  to fight. Like you've obviously figured
• 26:47
  something out because you're coming.
• 26:49
  You're happier, you're kinder, you're nicer, you have better
• 26:52
  boundaries. Like you're the best you've ever
• 26:54
  been since I've known you. And he's like whatever you're
• 26:56
  doing, I want. And that was really a turning
• 26:58
  point. And we people, you know, it took
• 27:01
  two years for us to fall in love and get married.
• 27:03
  Took three years to destroy our marriage.
• 27:06
  And it took about four to five years to repair it.
• 27:08
  It did not happen overnight. You know, a lot of people like
• 27:10
  to hear our story and go, oh, was it 6 months?
• 27:12
  I'm like, I wish. No, it took years.
• 27:14
  You know, we've destroyed everything.
• 27:17
  And along the way, what we've discovered, I mean, we were
• 27:20
  broke, poor, like we couldn't afford therapy or anything like
• 27:25
  that. What we discovered was there are
• 27:28
  truths from that are that have been here from the beginning of
• 27:32
  time. I, I would like to say that
• 27:34
  they're buried in the book of Proverbs, which is the book of
• 27:36
  marriage, right? Because, for example, you know,
• 27:41
  we get to choose the power of our words.
• 27:43
  We get to choose life or get to choose death.
• 27:46
  That has a huge impact in our relationship.
• 27:49
  And so we really started to kind of uncover like there are tools
• 27:53
  that we can use to help rebuild our marriage.
• 27:56
  And I think, you know, a lot of people would go well, once we're
• 27:59
  stuck, we need therapy. And, you know, we've only had
• 28:03
  therapy for what, the last less than 100 years?
• 28:06
  But we've been doing marriage for a very, very long.
• 28:08
  Time and. That's because people had tools.
• 28:11
  So it's the same thing as like if you want to build something
• 28:13
  great, you have to have a tool toolbox, right?
• 28:17
  You have to have tools to build that.
• 28:19
  What? What are those tools?
• 28:21
  Well, that's a great question. And I want to say I'm a fixer.
• 28:24
  So he's actually more empathetic than I am.
• 28:26
  So oftentimes in marriage, the female is more empathetic and
• 28:28
  the husband is usually the fixer, but I'm a problem solver,
• 28:32
  solver to my core. And so we would have these
• 28:35
  issues in our marriage and I'm like, there's got to be a
• 28:37
  solution like other than therapy because we couldn't afford it.
• 28:40
  And so we'd go to the table. And so an example that something
• 28:43
  of that we implemented and it's been a game changer for us is
• 28:46
  the weekly marriage business meeting.
• 28:48
  So if you're in business, right, you go to work and you know your
• 28:52
  task list, you've got your KPIs, your goals, your boss might tell
• 28:56
  you, hey, you know, you're working with so and so on this
• 28:58
  project and this is my expectations.
• 29:00
  And so you go confidently and do it because you know what's
• 29:02
  expected. We don't do this in marriage.
• 29:05
  We just kind of wing it. And so we would fight all the
• 29:08
  time about schedules. Well, you said you'd be home at
• 29:10
  5:00. No, I thought you said six, you
• 29:13
  know, oh, you said you'd pick up the dry cleaning.
• 29:15
  Well, I thought you were going to pick it up, right.
• 29:16
  And I'm like, there's got to be a solution to this.
• 29:18
  And so one night I remember saying, well, we and at the time
• 29:21
  we're both working and I said, well, we have business meetings
• 29:25
  all the time at our jobs. Why don't we have one for our
• 29:27
  marriage? And so we tried it and sure
• 29:29
  enough, we've tweaked it over the years.
• 29:30
  And it's like our one of our most popular tools we're known
• 29:33
  for, but it's called the weekly marriage business meeting.
• 29:36
  And, and I want to tell you that you could probably easily reduce
• 29:39
  about 50% of your conflict just through this one tool, because
• 29:44
  most conflict comes from misalignment.
• 29:48
  Like couples are kind of crossing paths like this.
• 29:51
  And when you have, when you think about a team, like we're
• 29:53
  A-Team, but when the team is composed of two people that are
• 29:58
  just doing their own thing, that's not teamwork.
• 30:01
  That's like dancing two different dances on the dance
• 30:04
  floor and kind of stepping all over each other.
• 30:07
  Whereas the the weekly marriage business meeting provides
• 30:09
  alignment for us to dance the same dance and the week goes by
• 30:14
  so much more smoother. No longer am I like coming home
• 30:17
  on Tuesday and going what's for dinner.
• 30:19
  Yeah, so every this how this works is every Sunday night we
• 30:22
  tell couples sit down can take anywhere between 30 minutes to
• 30:25
  an hour and you go through everything schedules, meal plan
• 30:30
  if you need to go through your budget, what money is going in,
• 30:32
  what money is coming out, do we need to save for anything
• 30:35
  specifically. But then this is also.
• 30:38
  We but, but you're leaving out one thing.
• 30:41
  Oh, what? We get to schedule sex.
• 30:43
  Oh yeah, OK, so we're huge advocates on scheduling sex and
• 30:47
  I know when we post this on social media.
• 30:49
  Are you allowed to have sex even that's not scheduled?
• 30:51
  Totally. Yes.
• 30:52
  Like, yeah, at least do the minimum.
• 30:54
  You just do the minimum. OK.
• 30:55
  Yes, yes. So we always tell yes, we always
• 30:58
  tell couples if you're having spontaneous sex, you don't need
• 31:00
  to schedule sex. But for us, we noticed there be
• 31:03
  weeks that would go by and like, we're so busy or we're too
• 31:05
  tired. Or we'd wait until the kids, you
• 31:07
  know, they were little and they were exhausting.
• 31:09
  It's 10:00. It's like it's not going to
• 31:10
  happen, baby. You know, you got 3 kids.
• 31:12
  I mean, you're, you're busy. We finally got our kids out of
• 31:16
  our bedroom for the night. They come in the morning, but
• 31:18
  the the baby now is finally in the crib.
• 31:20
  It's pretty cool, yeah. I.
• 31:22
  Mean I love my beauty, but I love anybody that's.
• 31:25
  Got young kids, knows like they can.
• 31:27
  I get through the routine of life where it's like every week
• 31:30
  feels like the last week and scheduling sex is just saying
• 31:34
  like, hey, this is really important enough for us to carve
• 31:37
  out space and time and actually create like boundaries or like,
• 31:42
  Hey, kids, were you guys going to be in the other room?
• 31:45
  Like we, we have a plan to ensure that intimacy is a
• 31:49
  priority in a relationship. And I would say most couples
• 31:51
  feel like they're not getting enough sex.
• 31:54
  Yeah. So again, this is misalignment.
• 31:57
  And this is the tool that now says, OK, well, then let's look
• 32:01
  at the week. OK, you're working late Tuesday,
• 32:03
  so it's probably not gonna happen Tuesday, but Wednesday,
• 32:06
  right? It's hump day, so.
• 32:09
  Why not? Yeah, I, I think, I think so.
• 32:12
  Yes. We schedule sex.
• 32:14
  But the other thing that we do is we make sure that we have
• 32:16
  date night or connection time. And I think that there's this
• 32:19
  myth out there that a lot of couples have where date night
• 32:21
  is. We have to go out to a
• 32:22
  restaurant, spend money and do some kind of adventure where I'm
• 32:26
  like, no, you can actually just take a walk for 45 minutes
• 32:30
  around the neighborhood, and that's still considered a date
• 32:32
  night. The purpose of date night is to
• 32:34
  connect on an emotional level, make new memories, have fun,
• 32:38
  talk, laugh, right. Just be together, not
• 32:40
  interrupted, without the kids or without any distractions.
• 32:43
  And so we always tell couples, make it work.
• 32:45
  But if you don't schedule that, very rarely will it happen.
• 32:49
  And then, you know, years go on. And So what we've seen, and this
• 32:52
  is kind of the trend, what we're seeing with marriage, everyone
• 32:55
  gets married because they love each other.
• 32:56
  It's great. Love it.
• 32:57
  We did too. There's no plan.
• 33:00
  So if you, you know, fail to plan, you plan to fail.
• 33:05
  And so they slowly grow apart. It's not this big thing that
• 33:09
  happens that I think a lot of people assume like an affair or,
• 33:13
  you know, you, you broke the law or something.
• 33:15
  No, it's this like slow and steady drift and then the kids
• 33:19
  come and the mortgage and the dog and and the chores and
• 33:23
  they're like, well, and the longing is there.
• 33:25
  They want to connect. We wanted to connect and have
• 33:27
  time. But if you don't put it on the
• 33:29
  calendar or make that a priority, it's probably not
• 33:32
  going to happen. And so that's what this example
• 33:35
  of this tool does. And I think men, husbands can
• 33:38
  wrap their mind around it because it's not a it's not an
• 33:41
  emotional tool. It's it's just a logistics tool
• 33:44
  of let's make sure we're aligned with our expectations for the
• 33:47
  coming week and that we're prioritizing each other.
• 33:49
  And on top of it, by the way, in the weekly marriage business
• 33:52
  meetings, we have a whole worksheet for this at Marriage
• 33:53
  365. But we even have a check box for
• 33:56
  self-care because I want Casey to practice self-care because
• 34:00
  when he does and he goes surfing or he works out, he shows up as
• 34:04
  a better husband. And when I practice self-care
• 34:06
  and go to the gym or whatever my things I do, going to spa,
• 34:10
  getting massage, I, I show up as a better wife.
• 34:13
  And that's because this two healthy individuals create a
• 34:16
  healthy marriage. And so it's, it's just gives us
• 34:19
  an opportunity to, I don't know. I, I don't think we could live
• 34:22
  without it. And I will tell you we fight on
• 34:24
  the weeks we don't do it. We're like, oh, we didn't do our
• 34:26
  weekly marriage business meeting.
• 34:28
  So now it's like a non negotiable for us.
• 34:30
  You are on fire right now. That was good.
• 34:34
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  Use the code Lila. No, it actually makes me my
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  husband is is the logistic lead and he's, you know, he, he, I
• 35:43
  realize we do this, but we didn't have language for it.
• 35:45
  And I think now with the language you're giving, we can
• 35:47
  even do it with more intention. But yes, if you don't know what
• 35:51
  the other person is doing, what you're doing, how you're doing
• 35:54
  it together, it makes so much sense what you're saying.
• 35:57
  It seems so common sense, but I don't think a lot of people go
• 36:01
  into marriage thinking we need to make sure we do that weekly
• 36:03
  standing meeting like that is essential.
• 36:04
  Yes, but we're not. It's not that.
• 36:05
  That's like a code most folks are taught.
• 36:08
  Exactly. So much sense so.
• 36:09
  Let's I want to talk about actually the most common story
• 36:12
  that we hear that shows up in our DMS.
• 36:16
  It's crazy you get hundreds of DMS a day of struggling couples.
• 36:18
  It's amazing, by the way, how transparent and vulnerable
• 36:21
  people are with strength. I mean, maybe they feel like we
• 36:23
  they know us, which I'm sure you experienced too.
• 36:25
  But I'm thinking, wow, these are some deep hurts.
• 36:28
  This is their marriage, right? This is a very intimate part of
• 36:30
  their life. And we're so grateful for our
• 36:32
  community that they trust us. No one gets married and says,
• 36:36
  you know what? I give us 10 good years followed
• 36:41
  by another 5 where we just really become roommates and then
• 36:44
  once our kids are gone we get divorced.
• 36:48
  But that is a very, very common story and we are working really,
• 36:53
  really hard to stop that story. Amen.
• 36:55
  And that, yes, because we know the pain of divorce, by the way,
• 37:02
  if divorce to a child, to a teenager, to an adult is still
• 37:09
  the same, it's trauma. When they watch mom and dad,
• 37:13
  they're heroes of their story, separate.
• 37:17
  There's all sorts of questions that come up.
• 37:19
  And you know, I had a recurring nightmare growing up.
• 37:21
  I never want any kid to ever experience any of that.
• 37:25
  I mean, obviously a little emotional because it's still so
• 37:28
  very close and tender to my heart.
• 37:31
  And this has been years and years and years, yeah, long time
• 37:34
  ago, but it's still there no matter what.
• 37:37
  And so. What?
• 37:38
  You're saying you had a recurring nightmare growing up?
• 37:40
  Yeah, so when my parents divorced, my mom remarried and I
• 37:44
  always had a dream. I guess it was probably watching
• 37:47
  Parent Trap is watching my parents get back together some
• 37:50
  point, you know? And so, you know, we are in this
• 37:53
  Volkswagen bus and we pull up to these train tracks and I'm in
• 37:57
  the back seat and like, this train comes our way.
• 38:01
  And I'm like trying to get out to save my parents.
• 38:03
  And then I wake up when the train hits and that happened
• 38:07
  like over and over and over again.
• 38:09
  And I think for me, the passion to like, get a hold of someone
• 38:15
  and say, like, your marriage is fixable.
• 38:17
  You can realign yourself back in a healthy way is because I never
• 38:22
  want to see any kids ever have to deal with that.
• 38:25
  I think the work that we do is so transcendent because when we
• 38:30
  we help two adults, by the way, solve their relationship, it
• 38:35
  really impacts 3 generations because the way they push their
• 38:40
  children out into the world, divorced or together, then
• 38:44
  impacts the way they go out and find a mate and then they go
• 38:47
  parent. And so when we can help a
• 38:50
  marriage stay together, obviously their kids come out
• 38:53
  whole, healthy, confident, and they look for other people that
• 38:58
  are whole, healthy and confident and create better and more
• 39:00
  healthier families. OK, but I'm going to say this
• 39:02
  too. I think that when you help a
• 39:04
  marriage, the the couple is also showing up in all the different
• 39:09
  areas of their life in a better way.
• 39:11
  So at their job, they show up as a better.
• 39:14
  Employer or even their children. As the first beneficiary,
• 39:18
  they're showing up in their family unit, right?
• 39:21
  They're showing up as a friend, a neighbor.
• 39:24
  And I think that's what we've seen a lot with our couples that
• 39:26
  we coach where, you know, the husband or the wife is Aceo or I
• 39:30
  mean, we've worked with a lot of, you know, athlete
• 39:32
  professional athletes and they're like, I'm in the top of
• 39:35
  my career. I have everything that I want,
• 39:38
  but because my marriage is falling apart, I feel like I
• 39:40
  have nothing. And that right there is really
• 39:42
  telling of why it's so important to work on your marriage because
• 39:45
  it can positively or negatively impact you depending upon how
• 39:50
  much you're willing to to put into it.
• 39:52
  OK, this is going to start rant #267 for me.
• 39:55
  And that is my complaint at the Capital C Church, the the utter
• 40:01
  lack of resourcing. And help that we do for
• 40:05
  marriages is really I, I thought you were to tap into God's heart
• 40:10
  is really heartbreaking because his the whole reason for our
• 40:15
  existence behind everything is this ministry of reconciliation.
• 40:19
  I'm reconciling my creation back to myself.
• 40:24
  And then he says, and you know, what I'm going to do is I'm
• 40:26
  going to, I'm going to capture it in this picture called
• 40:28
  marriage, that marriage is a part of my reconciliation.
• 40:34
  This is the picture of a groom wooing the bride.
• 40:39
  And as the church, capital C Church, I believe that we have
• 40:43
  done so poorly in teaching couples how to withstand the
• 40:48
  rigors of marriage because then we're called to love God and to
• 40:52
  love others as the 2 greatest commandments and who's the first
• 40:56
  other that is in our life. Our.
• 40:59
  Spouse, our spouse. And so it it again, it breaks my
• 41:04
  heart that we don't have more resources that there's not like,
• 41:07
  you know, a million of us out there helping encourage
• 41:10
  relationships. And I think that there is a bit
• 41:13
  of a lie from the enemy that, you know, again, there's a lot
• 41:17
  of pastors are struggling because they've sacrificed their
• 41:19
  marriage at the altar of ministry.
• 41:22
  So they don't want to talk about marriage because then they have
• 41:24
  to confront their own marriages. And that's why we're seeing a
• 41:28
  lot of leaders succumb to affairs or to other things,
• 41:33
  burnout when we have pastors burning out all left and right.
• 41:38
  And it it's, it's just sad to me.
• 41:41
  It's sad to me that I wish we had a greater idea behind that
• 41:45
  because if we were to resource for our marriages, think about
• 41:48
  the sign of a church and it's witness to the world.
• 41:53
  But this is a community of healthy families of husbands
• 41:57
  that love their wives unconditionally.
• 42:01
  You know of of kids that are are respectful and kind and know
• 42:06
  what true love looks. Like kids that are have a secure
• 42:08
  home and and I think that that's really like, so we have
• 42:11
  teenagers and this is one of my tangents.
• 42:15
  Our daughter is in the dating world, right?
• 42:17
  She's in high school and she's dabbling in it.
• 42:19
  And a couple months ago, she comes up to me and she says, you
• 42:22
  know, mom, I think, I think I want to marry someone like dad.
• 42:25
  And I said, what do you mean? And she says, well, he's still
• 42:29
  obsessed with you. We've been married almost 22
• 42:32
  years and she goes. He still brings you flowers.
• 42:34
  He still takes your own date nights.
• 42:35
  He still loves you. I know, right?
• 42:37
  Oh yeah. No, I.
• 42:38
  So, well, so this is what happened.
• 42:40
  I left the. Room like I was like that's so
• 42:41
  sweet Oh my gosh and so I went to him later and and I said I
• 42:45
  told him the story. He starts crying and I said,
• 42:47
  babe, we may have messed up his parents in a lot of ways, but
• 42:49
  like, we got that one right. We're that's our.
• 42:51
  Foundation yes love God, love other right those are the
• 42:54
  foundation our. Kids actually see us.
• 42:57
  We argue in front of our kids, but they see us make up.
• 42:59
  They see us do the weekly marriage business meeting.
• 43:01
  You know, they see that, yes, my husband still brings me flowers
• 43:05
  and takes me on dates and compliments me and sometimes,
• 43:08
  yes, we creep them out and we make out in front of them.
• 43:11
  I mean, we don't purposely do it, but sometimes it happens.
• 43:12
  But they also see us trash talk each other while we're playing
• 43:15
  cornhole or. Rummy Oh yeah, play for
• 43:18
  competitive. Playfully, like we're
• 43:20
  competitive, we're like we're going head to head.
• 43:23
  We don't let each other just win.
• 43:24
  You're real. Yeah.
• 43:25
  So they see see all parts of our relationship.
• 43:28
  Yeah. And so, yeah, that I, I think
• 43:30
  that, you know, if, if you can work on your marriage, even if
• 43:32
  you're just making a little bit of effort, a little bits better
• 43:34
  than nothing, it's going to pour out into your children.
• 43:37
  And what a beautiful, beautiful thing to be able to a gift to
• 43:41
  give your children. So going back to we talked about
• 43:44
  the common story that we get in our DM.
• 43:46
  So when I. I know my fault by the way, but
• 43:48
  this was all good because I was like tell me about the nightmare
• 43:50
  and then. So what we see couples do is
• 43:54
  they get they, they say I do, and then they start their
• 43:57
  journey and somewhere along the way, 1 to 2% off target and you
• 44:06
  know what? One week goes by, one month goes
• 44:08
  by, no problem. No one even probably notices it
• 44:11
  at first. It's very subtle.
• 44:13
  But there's a slow drift that happens, and there's this
• 44:16
  nautical law called the one in 60.
• 44:19
  And for every 1° off that you are, every 60 miles you go,
• 44:24
  you'll be one mile off your target.
• 44:27
  Now you think about that when you multiply that over weeks,
• 44:30
  over months, over years, if a couple gets off just one or two
• 44:35
  degrees, by the time that they want to hit their target of
• 44:39
  living a happily ever after, whatever that means, or
• 44:42
  launching healthy, successful children, by the time that day
• 44:46
  comes, they're going to be hundreds of miles away off their
• 44:50
  target. So these tools that we talked
• 44:53
  about are tools that are guardrails that keep couples on
• 44:58
  track for what they want to achieve in their relationship.
• 45:01
  And we can also teach them how to get back on track, because we
• 45:04
  do believe that most marriage problems are fixable.
• 45:07
  All right, you gave us the tool of the weekly marriage meeting.
• 45:10
  What would you say are the top two other essential no brainer
• 45:14
  tools? That might seem obvious when we
• 45:16
  talk about it, but most people are just not practicing.
• 45:19
  Well, OK, so I'm a words of affirmation guy.
• 45:22
  So I'm, I'm even with my team. I'm like, hey, everybody doing a
• 45:26
  great job, you know, like that's, that's how I give love.
• 45:29
  That is not how Megan receives. Love.
• 45:32
  She wants to show up. And then access service kind of
• 45:35
  gal. Show me with your actions that
• 45:37
  you love me. Don't tell me you love me.
• 45:39
  We're actually more different than we are.
• 45:40
  Like we're a case study of like 2 polar opposites coming
• 45:44
  together but. But we are both stubborn and
• 45:46
  we're both strong willed. And we're both competitive.
• 45:48
  Yes. Right.
• 45:50
  But the joke is that my wife and I are.
• 45:52
  We laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh harder.
• 45:56
  Yeah. He's a dad joke person too.
• 45:59
  Anyways, so we we create intentional space called the
• 46:03
  62nd blessing, right? And the 62nd blessing is this
• 46:07
  really powerful tool where I will spend 60 seconds just
• 46:12
  affirming Megan, sharing all the thing ways that I love her, her
• 46:17
  beauty, how she shows up as a mom, just how she loves me and I
• 46:22
  affirm her. And it's this is words that are
• 46:24
  just really, really powerful. But she likes, she wants
• 46:27
  service. I mean, she wants you to do the
• 46:29
  dishes for 60 seconds. True.
• 46:30
  How does it work? True.
• 46:31
  Well, but it's intentional time that now she then returns back
• 46:36
  and gives me the 62nd blessing. So it's it, it goes.
• 46:39
  It's a two way St. Two way St.
• 46:40
  OK. But when we're coaching couples,
• 46:44
  especially that I've got off track, we'll ask the question,
• 46:47
  when was the last time you heard a positive word from your
• 46:51
  partner? Oh, some of them say, I can't
• 46:53
  remember. It's been years, It's been
• 46:55
  months. And this is a, yeah, an
• 46:57
  intentional way to bring more positivity to the relationship.
• 47:01
  And I think we go years and we assume that our spouse knows we
• 47:06
  love this about them because we complimented them on their looks
• 47:10
  five years ago. Like they know I think they're
• 47:12
  sexy or he knows that I appreciate how hard he works for
• 47:14
  the family. But hearing that even as not a
• 47:17
  words affirmation person, I will say I need to be told, hey,
• 47:21
  babe, I'm so grateful that you show up as a mom and how you
• 47:24
  model these things for your kids.
• 47:25
  Like that doesn't get old. I need to hear that.
• 47:27
  And so it's a 2 minute habit. We tell couples you can do it
• 47:31
  obviously in person, you can do over the phone.
• 47:33
  So for people maybe like first responder marriages or military
• 47:36
  couples, it doesn't have to be in person.
• 47:38
  You can do it FaceTime via text. But what I love about this tool
• 47:43
  is that you can do it to your children too.
• 47:47
  And, and we always tell parents, you should teach your children
• 47:50
  the 62nd blessing. And so we have our kids.
• 47:52
  We do this at our, I mean, even our teenagers.
• 47:55
  It's funny because like our daughter doesn't like to give it
• 47:57
  to our son, but she sure loves hearing all the things her
• 47:59
  brother loves about her. But we do it as a family to
• 48:01
  everybody. So we do this in front of our
• 48:03
  children to each other, but then we also have incorporated it
• 48:06
  into the kids. And it's one of those tools
• 48:08
  again, that like the weekly family or the weekly marriage
• 48:11
  business meeting, we actually have a family version where you
• 48:14
  can have a family meeting every week.
• 48:16
  And our kids, we do that every Sunday night with our children.
• 48:18
  And now they have learned the skill set of being aligned as a
• 48:21
  family and hopefully they will take into their own adulthood
• 48:24
  and their lives. We've heard this saying that
• 48:26
  sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt
• 48:29
  me. That is the biggest lie that's
• 48:31
  ever been propagated on a childhood playground.
• 48:34
  OK, Because words are very powerful for us.
• 48:38
  Words like even the word encouragement was so cool.
• 48:41
  The etymology of that is in the heart of that is cur, which is
• 48:45
  Latin for heart. And the idea is that I can speak
• 48:49
  words directly into your heart. I can build confidence in you by
• 48:54
  the words that I choose to speak into you.
• 48:56
  I can give you courage. I can actually create love by
• 49:01
  the words that I choose. That's intentional space.
• 49:05
  That's a discipline. That's again, trust.
• 49:08
  It's trust building because it's it's speaking love over each
• 49:12
  other. It's showing up.
• 49:14
  But I always say like you either can plant weed seeds or fruit
• 49:18
  trees, right? And the weed seeds are those,
• 49:23
  the sharp and critical words, It's the sarcastic comments,
• 49:28
  it's sometimes even the non verbal too.
• 49:31
  But the the fruit trees, the fruit seeds, they grow into
• 49:35
  something that you get to actually enjoy, right?
• 49:40
  Luscious fruit from your garden that you've actually created in
• 49:44
  your relationship. And I just want to say I think
• 49:46
  the 62nd Blessing is a great form of four play also.
• 49:50
  Really. Yeah, it's very emotionally
• 49:52
  connecting. And I think women and men love
• 49:54
  it. And it's simple.
• 49:55
  It's 2 minutes a day. So even if you are a busy
• 49:57
  couple, you can still make time for two minutes a day to affirm
• 50:00
  each other. So you recommend it daily?
• 50:02
  We recommend it daily for couples who are hurting.
• 50:04
  We recommend it at least once or twice a week for couples who are
• 50:07
  just doing well. Like we do it like a couple
• 50:09
  times a week. But when we were hurting and
• 50:11
  repairing our marriage, that was actually one of the tools that
• 50:14
  we use to get back on track. Or when we feel really off or
• 50:17
  disconnected, we instantly do the 62nd busing.
• 50:21
  Like now it's just become a habit.
• 50:22
  And you can write them out. Some people go, how do you come
• 50:26
  up with the same? You know, how do you come up
• 50:28
  with it on in this in the moment?
• 50:30
  And it's like, we'll just write them out and then you can read
• 50:32
  your lists. Some people ask us, you know, do
• 50:35
  you ever get sick of hearing the same things?
• 50:37
  And again, I go back to it depends.
• 50:38
  I think you should try to expand, you know, your mind.
• 50:41
  But it can even be as simple as like, hey, last week, I'm really
• 50:44
  grateful that you took care of that bill that I didn't want to
• 50:47
  take care of. It can even be something like
• 50:49
  that. But yeah, affirming and having
• 50:52
  that positivity in your marriage is so essential and connecting.
• 50:57
  I love how well I love Megan 'cause I I can paint a big
• 51:00
  picture of like, here's what you should be doing, and then
• 51:02
  Megan's like, OK, so on Monday, here's what you're actually
• 51:04
  gonna be doing. I'm so the logistics, you're,
• 51:09
  you're the big picture dreamer. But yeah, and you're the feeler.
• 51:12
  So a lot of feelings where I'm like, logically speaking, what
• 51:15
  does this mean? What do?
• 51:16
  What do we need to actually do here?
• 51:17
  Yeah, I love what you're saying because it's not difficult.
• 51:21
  I mean, you know, in a sense, maybe it's difficult to get your
• 51:23
  mind wrapped out of like, I'm going to be positive now, like
• 51:26
  in terms of behavioral change, but the actual behavior that
• 51:28
  needs to change per SE of OK, have a conversation for two
• 51:32
  minutes. It's literally one minute, your
• 51:34
  turn, the other person, their turn.
• 51:36
  I I think the simplicity of it is very relieving.
• 51:40
  I hope for people and and again, even if folks listening, they
• 51:43
  have a good marriage or maybe they're not even married.
• 51:45
  I'm going to guess like this is a tool that can be used in
• 51:49
  certainly family life, but if you're dating someone this is
• 51:51
  just a a generally good human tool to use in relationships.
• 51:55
  Yes, I did this to one potential encouragement.
• 51:58
  Yes, I did this to one of my girlfriends a couple years ago.
• 52:01
  And I just felt the Lord saying you need to call her and you
• 52:05
  need to say these things. And of course, on the other
• 52:07
  line, she was crying and she says, you don't even know how
• 52:10
  much I needed to hear these things because I have felt like
• 52:12
  the biggest failure in my life right now.
• 52:15
  And so you never know how your words can impact somebody.
• 52:18
  And I always say better to have positive, encouraging words.
• 52:21
  And again, I think we assume our friends know this.
• 52:24
  We assume our kids know that we love them and the things that we
• 52:27
  think great about them. And the same with our spouse.
• 52:29
  This is why we have to be intentional and say it.
• 52:31
  So good, That is such a good one.
• 52:35
  Give us another one I have. Another tool but I want to go.
• 52:37
  1st I want to go first. I don't know what you're going
• 52:39
  to say, but I have a tool that I want to say.
• 52:40
  She always goes first. Asking an open-ended questions.
• 52:45
  So when you were dating your husband, all right, you guys are
• 52:47
  on your dates. You're like, OK, tell me about
• 52:49
  like where you grew up and you know, what's your major
• 52:52
  depending upon when you met, you know, what do you want to be
• 52:56
  when you grow up? What does retirement look like?
• 52:57
  Do you like to travel? Do you like animals?
• 53:00
  Right. And you're having these
• 53:01
  conversations back and forth. OK.
• 53:02
  It was interesting enough to then go on date 2 because if he
• 53:07
  sat there and he was like, I don't know, you're like, well,
• 53:10
  tell me about your childhood. There's nothing really to share.
• 53:12
  You'd be like, this guy is so dull, right?
• 53:15
  This guy is so boring. Snoozefest.
• 53:18
  Not going on date 2. So it's actually our questions
• 53:23
  that we ask when we're dating that 'cause this, oh, this
• 53:26
  person's really interesting. I want to learn more about them.
• 53:29
  Or wow, we have a lot in common. Or wow, they're really
• 53:32
  opinionated about XYZ. OK so we do this when we're
• 53:36
  dating and we get married and then we start asking the same
• 53:39
  boring questions. How was your day?
• 53:41
  What's for dinner? How was work?
• 53:44
  Can we have sex tonight like? It it Those are my go to
• 53:47
  questions. Yes.
• 53:48
  And we don't intentionally do that.
• 53:50
  We just, it just happens. We kind of lose this art of
• 53:54
  asking really good questions. And so one of the things that we
• 53:57
  would always tell couples to do is to ask open-ended questions.
• 54:02
  And it the number #1 it shows curiosity.
• 54:07
  I desire to know more about you. Even though I've been married to
• 54:10
  you for 22 years and we've been together for 24 years, I still
• 54:14
  want to know. And who is Casey?
• 54:17
  What does he think about? This.
• 54:19
  Well, the person you dated is very different than the person
• 54:21
  you're married to today. Well, I sure hope so because you
• 54:23
  met me when I was 18. I was a teenager, right?
• 54:26
  I'm a very different person, right?
• 54:27
  And so it shows curiosity, curiosity communicates.
• 54:31
  I desire to know you. I desire to know your thoughts,
• 54:34
  your feelings, your perspective and that is very connecting and
• 54:37
  and attractive. It's also creating intentional
• 54:40
  space too, Like if you're, you're sitting down, especially
• 54:43
  you've been married for years, you're creating this like, hey,
• 54:48
  let's, I want to get to know you.
• 54:50
  And I just think that when, if we're in the drift in the
• 54:54
  drifting season, we just kind of fall into patterns of
• 55:00
  disengagement. I'd rather watch sports or I'd
• 55:03
  rather, you know, a lot of kid centric marriages like it's
• 55:07
  you're not interesting anymore. So I'm going to pour myself into
• 55:10
  my kids and, and no one's going to judge you for that by the
• 55:13
  way, because if you're you're helping out your kids and being
• 55:16
  part of your kids life, that's great.
• 55:18
  But if it's at the expense of your spouse, that's when it
• 55:21
  becomes dangerous. I love getting to do this show,
• 55:24
  by the way, because afterwards I always tell my husband like, I
• 55:26
  just had another amazing conversation and this is what I
• 55:28
  learned and I'm like, this is so interesting and I get to be a
• 55:31
  direct beneficiary of it all. And I, I have a surprise for
• 55:35
  you. I actually brought you our book
• 55:37
  which has 365 connecting questions.
• 55:40
  I was actually going to ask what give you some sample questions.
• 55:43
  What would you recommend? Fantastic.
• 55:44
  Yes, so we have a book literally with a question a day and then
• 55:48
  there's bonus sections with parenting questions and
• 55:50
  spirituality questions because not everyone has kids and not
• 55:53
  everyone is spiritual. But really this concept came
• 55:56
  from starting when we did marriage 365 was everything in
• 55:59
  all of our resources. We call them connecting
• 56:01
  questions because questions just like you're asking us questions
• 56:04
  right now, right about us and our story, we're connecting
• 56:07
  through this. You're learning about us, we're
• 56:09
  learning about you. It's the same in marriage and it
• 56:11
  should never stop. And so like a couple of the
• 56:14
  questions that I feel like they have sparked some really good
• 56:17
  conversations with our clients is, are you more of an A verbal
• 56:22
  processor or an internal processor?
• 56:24
  And have you always been that way?
• 56:26
  Because for example, in our marriage, Casey comes home and
• 56:29
  he just wants to talk and dump everything on me this whole day
• 56:35
  and I caught talk to this person of it and I'm more internal.
• 56:38
  So it would overwhelm me and I would kind of shut down and you
• 56:43
  know, you just I'd be like, it's too much, it's too much.
• 56:45
  I'm cooking, I'm with the kids. And so like that just alone of
• 56:48
  knowing who your spouse is or how they view themselves and
• 56:51
  having that conversation of are you similar or different really
• 56:54
  has opened a lot of doors for couples.
• 56:56
  I'd say culturally we we've lost the art of asking good
• 56:59
  questions. Yeah, right.
• 57:01
  Because you do, you do. It does take some effort, some
• 57:04
  energy to to craft a question that unlocks new discoveries.
• 57:10
  We do that well when we're feeling that love drug and we're
• 57:13
  like, who is this person across me?
• 57:15
  I want to get to know what their hopes and dreams and wishes and
• 57:18
  where they're going in life because I want to see if we're
• 57:20
  in alignment. And then once we get all that
• 57:22
  information, then we move into marriage.
• 57:24
  Then we're kind of in the wash, rinse, repeat.
• 57:27
  So this book is another one of those tools where I'm always
• 57:32
  encouraging my husband's like, listen, here's all you got to
• 57:35
  do. Just initiate, initiate the
• 57:38
  question. It's like, hey, babe, I want to
• 57:40
  sit down with you. Even if you don't know what to
• 57:42
  talk about. Hey, let's ask the question of
• 57:44
  the day. Let's and that initiation right
• 57:48
  there. Let me just talk.
• 57:50
  I can rant a little bit about that, but I would say is that's
• 57:53
  one of the greatest encouragements I give to
• 57:55
  husbands is listen, when you first start dating your wife,
• 58:00
  you initiated that first date. You were the one who said, Hey,
• 58:04
  I like you. Let's, you know, let's hang out
• 58:06
  for a little bit. Just you and me.
• 58:08
  You're the one who dropped down to a knee.
• 58:10
  You're the one who who said, let's do this together.
• 58:13
  And that sense of initiation, I think for is, is like the sense
• 58:19
  of courage, Like I've got a vision, I got a plan, let's go.
• 58:22
  And every woman can get behind a man, right We.
• 58:25
  Love it, we love that. Yes, we love it and that's why
• 58:27
  there's that's. Why we married them?
• 58:29
  Because they dropped to the knee, yes.
• 58:31
  Yes, yes. And I and I.
• 58:32
  Think it goes together. So look at God's fan, it goes.
• 58:35
  Yeah, there's. Masculine energy, right?
• 58:37
  And this is important and especially in today's
• 58:39
  conversation about what is a man, what is a woman, right?
• 58:43
  Masculine energy is about initiation.
• 58:46
  It's the spark, right? And I think the feminine energy
• 58:49
  is like the nurturer of that spark, right?
• 58:52
  I want to, I want to fan that flame.
• 58:54
  I want to, I'm responsive to that, that spark.
• 58:58
  And what happens is what we see a lot in marriage is that a man
• 59:02
  stops initiating and somebody's got to create the spark.
• 59:08
  And typically it's left to the woman, but she's not the spark
• 59:13
  giver. She's a spark nurturer.
• 59:16
  So now all of a sudden she's like, why are you abandoning
• 59:19
  your role of being the initiator?
• 59:22
  And so she does so out of resentment.
• 59:24
  It was like a fine, we'll go on date night or a fine, I'll call
• 59:28
  the babysitter, I'll make the reservations.
• 59:30
  And there's a there's a growing sense of resentment that the
• 59:34
  husband stops initiating. How do you inspire initiation
• 59:38
  and your husband? Oh, that's a great question.
• 59:41
  I mean, I feel like allowing men to lead is really something
• 59:46
  that's important. But I also think that having
• 59:49
  honest conversations to say, I feel like you made so much
• 59:52
  effort in the beginning and you've stopped, or I feel like
• 59:56
  you're being either checked out or I feel like you're, you're
• 1:00:00
  just not showing up the way you used to.
• 1:00:02
  And I want to check in with you. How, how's this going?
• 1:00:04
  But I think that that's really where when we work with couples,
• 1:00:07
  one-on-one or couple on couple is explaining this because the
• 1:00:13
  wife's going on on the couch and she's like, Yep, he used to
• 1:00:16
  initiate. Yep, I'm, you know what?
• 1:00:18
  I am leading the family and I'm doing it out of resentment.
• 1:00:20
  And it's that eye opening moment for the husband to go, Oh,
• 1:00:22
  shoot, you're right. I did make all this effort and I
• 1:00:25
  stopped because again, if your husband didn't.
• 1:00:27
  Make effort. When you were dating you
• 1:00:30
  wouldn't have married him. You've been like, this guy is so
• 1:00:32
  checked out. What's your take on that?
• 1:00:33
  What is, what do you think as a man is the thing?
• 1:00:36
  Because you're talking about how attractive it was when Megan,
• 1:00:38
  when you were going through the ref patch, she showed up so
• 1:00:41
  confidently with her boundaries, but so kindly and lovingly as a
• 1:00:44
  man. What would you say is the thing
• 1:00:46
  that is most inspiring for you? And would you recommend other
• 1:00:50
  men or recommend other women for how they can inspire their
• 1:00:53
  husbands to take initiation? Great.
• 1:00:56
  Yeah, I love the question. I feel like I have to start with
• 1:00:59
  what typically happens is the criticism and the nagging starts
• 1:01:04
  right? From the wife.
• 1:01:05
  From the wife. And it's justifiable, right?
• 1:01:09
  But but then the criticism kind of cuts him down because I think
• 1:01:13
  there's most of us guys have very fragile egos.
• 1:01:17
  We haven't had great father figures.
• 1:01:19
  So we're deeply insecure inside. And then we get this woman that
• 1:01:24
  we once love is really sharp and critical and it pushes pushes us
• 1:01:27
  into a corner. So I think there is some sense
• 1:01:31
  of like, hey, I want you to come out of the corner and I want you
• 1:01:35
  to know what I think's attractive is when you initiate,
• 1:01:39
  when you step out forward. And it's not just when
• 1:01:43
  initiation isn't just like, OK, so here's what's going to
• 1:01:45
  happen. I'm going to tell you exactly
• 1:01:46
  what's going to do. It's not making demands, yeah.
• 1:01:49
  It's it's the facilitation of like, I want to get to know who
• 1:01:53
  you are like and maybe and for guys, listen, if you're
• 1:01:57
  listening to this, you don't even necessarily need to know
• 1:02:00
  what to do next. It's the initiation of that
• 1:02:03
  it's. The intentions.
• 1:02:05
  I, I wanna, I wanna go on a date with you.
• 1:02:06
  What would be a great date for us to do?
• 1:02:08
  But at least you initiated the conversation and like, let's
• 1:02:11
  make it happen. And so I agree.
• 1:02:13
  We always say when you're bringing up an issue and you if
• 1:02:15
  if a woman's listening and they're like, I want my husband
• 1:02:18
  to be an initiator. Oh my gosh, that sounds amazing.
• 1:02:21
  Doing it in a critical way, which is what I did in the first
• 1:02:23
  few years my marriage doesn't work.
• 1:02:25
  I've tried it. It's not effective.
• 1:02:26
  Being positive, reminding them that they used to, reminding
• 1:02:30
  them that that's what you find attractive.
• 1:02:32
  That would mean the world to you.
• 1:02:34
  That would show that would that would communicate to you that
• 1:02:37
  they still love you. It was, I think it was Laura on
• 1:02:41
  our show. We were talking about her
• 1:02:42
  earlier also here in Southern California, who does the
• 1:02:45
  empowered wife stuff. And you were saying there's some
• 1:02:47
  similarities, but she was saying the, you know, a criticism is
• 1:02:50
  basically a lazy desire. And like expressing like you're
• 1:02:53
  saying like I love like you were saying too, you know, you say I
• 1:02:56
  love when you take initiative. That's sort of there's an
• 1:02:59
  empowering message. They're like, this is what I
• 1:03:01
  actually like about you. I value to give them something
• 1:03:04
  to go off of. So.
• 1:03:05
  So to answer your question directly, there's.
• 1:03:07
  Like Laura Doyle. If I'm thinking about like a
• 1:03:10
  wife trying to engage her husband, but maybe it's been
• 1:03:13
  critical in the past. And if maybe you're hearing this
• 1:03:15
  and you can realize this some ways to soften the target.
• 1:03:19
  I think first of all, is an apology, right?
• 1:03:21
  Hey, you know what? I have been really critical of
• 1:03:25
  you, and that's probably made you feel really little
• 1:03:29
  deprioritized. Disrespected.
• 1:03:30
  And and has put you in a corner and I that's on me, right?
• 1:03:35
  Second of all is casting a vision.
• 1:03:38
  I think we can do better. I want us to be connected.
• 1:03:41
  I want us to to feel in love as well.
• 1:03:45
  And I think, and a third one is again, the 62nd blessing is just
• 1:03:49
  being a way of saying, I see how hard you work for a family.
• 1:03:53
  I see how you engage with the kids.
• 1:03:55
  I see how you take out the trash.
• 1:03:57
  Like I, I appreciate all of that about you.
• 1:04:01
  All of that lowers defenses. Yeah, we want to keep defenses
• 1:04:04
  down because the minute we come with you, you know you to this,
• 1:04:07
  right that that we want to protect ourselves, right?
• 1:04:10
  We we move towards pleasure and we avoid pain.
• 1:04:14
  And if our spouse is coming to us and we feel attacked, that's
• 1:04:17
  when that's what a defense is. Yeah, it's, it's a perceived
• 1:04:20
  attack, whether you're meaning to attack or not.
• 1:04:21
  And so, you know, I listen, I, I'm a, I'm a wife who has
• 1:04:26
  criticized her husband, whose name called her husband, who's
• 1:04:28
  tried every tactic in the book. So there's no judgment, but I
• 1:04:31
  think that that's the empowerment to say, look at
• 1:04:34
  yourself and your approach and how how you're you're bringing
• 1:04:36
  it up and if you have a great attitude, you're doing it
• 1:04:39
  because you want the weenus. We call it the weenus.
• 1:04:42
  I know, I know the weenus. It's a horrible word, but I
• 1:04:45
  don't know what other. Way to just togetherness.
• 1:04:47
  So there you go. It's probably better
• 1:04:49
  togetherness. I want, I want us to be a we
• 1:04:52
  together. You know, if you have a attitude
• 1:04:56
  and you remind your husband like how much you love him and I feel
• 1:04:59
  like hopefully it will land and he'll hear you and you might
• 1:05:03
  have to try it a couple times. Don't give up though.
• 1:05:05
  What is your ultimate mission with Marriage 365 Casey First.
• 1:05:11
  Yeah, I mean. We have our mission statement.
• 1:05:13
  Yeah, it's really to inspire people to engage with themselves
• 1:05:17
  and their their their life around them.
• 1:05:19
  I think a lot of people are living reactively and we're
• 1:05:21
  trying to create tools and a pathway to be proactive in your
• 1:05:25
  life. Because when you start to engage
• 1:05:27
  in your life, you start to experience peace, serenity, joy,
• 1:05:34
  and couples start laughing again.
• 1:05:36
  Like, think about marriages that are not having fun like so many
• 1:05:42
  people. Like marriage is the butt of all
• 1:05:44
  jokes. It's so sad.
• 1:05:46
  It is so sad. I.
• 1:05:49
  Want to change that narrative. I want to display a way that
• 1:05:53
  makes marriage like I want to be married.
• 1:05:55
  I want that kind of marriage. I'm so super excited about that.
• 1:05:59
  And I believe that people actually do want that.
• 1:06:02
  But there's so many confusing messages out there from
• 1:06:04
  Hollywood and social media that people are skeptical of it.
• 1:06:10
  But our mission statement at Marriage 365 is we want people
• 1:06:13
  to become the healthiest versions of themselves, and
• 1:06:16
  that's because we know when you're healthy, you're going to
• 1:06:18
  show up in all relationships, not just in your marriage,
• 1:06:21
  healthier. Amazing We've got to do this
• 1:06:24
  again, guys, this is like my feel.
• 1:06:25
  This is like the tip of the iceberg and I again, I I'm so
• 1:06:28
  grateful to each of you because again, what you're doing is
• 1:06:31
  really unique. It's really, really, really
• 1:06:34
  needed and you guys are doing fantastic.
• 1:06:37
  So thank you so much. This has been a lot of fun.
• 1:06:39
  Thanks. Thank you A.
• 1:06:40
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• 1:06:45
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• 1:06:48
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• 1:06:51
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