Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E240: The Science of Love, Sex, and Thriving Relationships w/Adam Lane Smith | Lila Rose Show

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E240: The Science of Love, Sex, and Thriving Relationships w/Adam Lane Smith | Lila Rose Show · The Lila Rose Show

0:00
The age of about 20, I said I can't do this anymore.
0:02
I changed everything. And what I didn't know was I was
0:04
applying attachment theory and it explained everything.
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And as I put this science online, all of a sudden it was
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this massive explosion of women wanting to learn more about how
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am I biochemically different? And then are men able to bond at
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all? Are they sociopaths?
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Nope. Men have this other biochemical
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that they bond with. What are some of the telltale
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signs of dysfunction in a marriage that you're like, eh,
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there's attachment issues. This is where you kill horn,
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addiction and even the desire for and the wife.
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This is where you build this abundant sex Strive where he's
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begging for a night off. Securely attached women will ask
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questions again. Or you're ghosting me.
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Are you interested or not? 100% they will ask that.
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The best questions a woman can ask a man is there's a lot of
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people who are emotionally starved and who are scared and
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who don't know what to do. All women really have to do all
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these steps we've laid out. All they really have to do is go
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to their husband and say. Am I the problem or are they the
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problem? What are the telltale signs of
0:56
attachment issues? How can we optimize bonding
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hormones like oxytocin for more intimate relationships?
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And what's the biggest mistake that women make in dating?
1:06
On today's episode of the Lila Roe Show, I sit down with
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attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith, who has spent years
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working with thousands of couples to improve their
1:15
relationships. As you know, on The Lila Roe
1:18
Show, we are keenly interested in improving our relationships.
1:21
Building strong for families in a culture where there is so much
1:24
chaos and brokenness. This episode will bring a lot of
1:28
tools and food for thought for how we can do just that.
1:31
If you enjoy this content, the quickest and easiest way to
1:35
support us is to click subscribe here on YouTube and like this
1:38
video. And if you're listening on
1:40
podcast app to leave us five stars in a review to help the
1:43
show reach more people. Adam Lane Smith, welcome to the
1:46
podcast. Thank you for having me, I've
1:47
been watching you for a long time and my wife especially been
1:50
watching your contents well. She's lovely, I that to meet her
1:53
just a moment ago and I love learning more about your story
1:56
and your background and your the work you're putting out into the
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world I think is so incredibly useful for couples.
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So very excited that you joined the show.
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Thank you. So you are known as the
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attachment specialist. Your work is being seen by
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millions of people helping couples truly connect with each
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other and be live these beautiful relationships.
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There's a lot of background there about why you even got
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into this. You used to be a licensed
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marriage and family therapist. Give me your back story and then
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how this whole attachment work started and then we're going to
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get into what you actually teach.
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Sure. So I was born into a family that
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had extensive attachment issues. The whole extended family
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system, a lot of adoption, a lot of foster children, a lot of
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abandonment, things like this. So I grew up saturated in that.
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Let's just say from a generational standpoint, a lot
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of trauma and all of the kids around me have the same thing
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right here in California where I grew up, families are, are been
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breaking for 100 years more than that.
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So I grew up in it and at the age of about 20, I said I can't
2:56
do this anymore. I can't, I can't live insecurely
2:58
in my relationships. I can't please other people.
3:01
I can't constantly worry that I'm going to hurt somebody's
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feelings or get abandoned or get rejected.
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I, I have to be more honest. I have to be me as a human
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being. And at that point, I, I changed
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everything in my life. I changed the way that I talked
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to other people. I changed the way I put up
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boundaries. And what I didn't know was I was
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applying attachment theory at that time.
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Now, nobody talked about attachment theory back then.
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Nobody talked about how we connect to people.
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Everything was medications and diagnosis and problems.
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So I went into school and I said whatever I did, I got to help
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other people do this because everyone around me is suffering
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the same way. So I went to school, got my
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master's degree in psychology, focused into marriage and family
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therapy, got my license there. It was a nine year process and
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as I did, I was trying to find this answer about why are people
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hurting the way they are and the whole field just wanted to talk
3:46
about medications. They would say we don't know why
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people have diagnosis. We don't know why mental health
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issues are on the rise. We don't know why families are
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breaking apart. We just need to talk to them
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each week. We need to solve their
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individual feelings. We need to teach them to empower
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themselves and give them medications.
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And that was the answer. And I didn't like that answer.
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So I dug through all the schooling and all the
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information I could, and I found this old dusty theory no one
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would talk about called attachment theory.
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And it explained everything. Everything.
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And when I took it in my supervisors, they said insurance
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won't cover this, the state won't cover this, nobody will
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cover this. You have to teach to the
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diagnosis. So I branched out and started
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talking all over the Internet about it to anyone who would
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listen. No one again on the Internet was
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talking about this five years ago.
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Hardly. And finally I got picked up by a
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couple podcasters who kind of changed my life.
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But it it became this thing. It's my crusade.
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I have to teach everybody, everybody in the world how to do
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this. I have so many questions already
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and I can't wait to get into what you're teaching.
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But let me start going backwards.
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Try to go chronologically here as you just beautifully did.
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So you said you grew up in a home where there was abandonment
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and you or you connected to the family anyways, I think you
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said, but adoption, foster care, these different attachment
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challenges, were you yourself adopted or fostered or did you
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ever brought siblings who were? Is there more you can share
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about that? Yeah, so all of my grandparents
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pretty much all had major attachment issues, abandonment
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issues. They were foster children.
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They were heavily abused. They were traumatized.
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That trickle down through the generations of all that people
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knew was trauma and suffering. Most parenting skills that
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people people to have today, they're trauma skills, right?
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Shut the kid up and get through one more day.
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Quiet the kid down. You look in vehicles and what do
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we have? We have screens that fold down
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so your child will be silent so you can focus on driving because
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your nervous system is so over clocked.
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You can't deal with talking to your child.
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And their nervous system is so used to being over stimulated
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that they can't even go on a 10 minute car ride without
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stimulation. So it's trauma cycling and it's
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dealing with bad nervous systems.
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Most families are this way today.
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So I grew up typical in that kind of structure and to me it
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ate me alive. I became anxiously attached.
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I anxiously attached. People say there's something
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wrong inside of me. No one else loves me.
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No one will ever love me. I'm unlovable.
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I grew up fundamentalist Christian, interestingly enough,
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and they, they teach with we are sinners in the hands of an angry
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God and that God begrudges you every moment and you don't
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deserve love and you never will, which goes really well with
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anxious attachment, by the way. And that really wounded my
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ability to believe in God in those first early formative
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years of my life. For the 1st 20 years of life, it
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was very difficult to even conceive of a God who could love
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me. That's just one reason a lot of
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youth today are walking away from the church is they don't
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they can't conceive of love. They don't understand it and
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they don't think they're worthy of it or they've never seen it.
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So when you tell them about an all powerful being who truly
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loves them, it sounds stupid. You said when you were 20 you
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thought I didn't want to live this way anymore, and then you
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just chose not to. What?
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What does that mean? You you, you didn't know.
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You were understanding your own detachment issues and and
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healing them, but you did. How did that work?
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I reached a point it was life or death.
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I said I can't continue through the suffering anymore.
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I can't lie to people about who I am.
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I can't pretend that things are great when they're not.
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I can't hold my tongue when people do something wrong and
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hold it in. I can't violate my principles
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for other people and just to please them.
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I can't give up my life goals just for people who pressure me.
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I have to have proper boundaries instead of pretending I don't
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just so that people will like me.
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I had to transform everything because.
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It really quick. These are people in your family
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or these are just anybody in my life.
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It seemed like I could find people who would go over my
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boundaries. Even if they were good people, I
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still couldn't speak about it. That's the problem with
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attachment issues and people listening today.
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They they probably struggle to go out and say this is what I
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feel, this is what I believe, this is who I am.
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No, I can't do that for you because it will harm this part
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of me. Is there a different way I can
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help you? When you have attachment issues?
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You struggle to do that. So when you had that aha moment,
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I just don't want to keep doing this.
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Like basically being sounds like a people pleaser, someone
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without boundaries, insecure inside anxiousness, you know,
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suddenly get a lot of anxiety. How did you fix that for
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yourself? What did that look like?
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Everything I was doing made me miserable.
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So I said I will do the opposite of everything I am doing, which
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was not to become angry and aggressive, not to be mean and
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hurtful and push back on other people.
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A lot of people when they come out of anxious attachment in
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particular, will say I'm in my villain phase now because I had
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a boundary. It was simply, I will actually
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speak. I'll be honest with people, I'll
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maintain compassion, but be truthful about who I am and just
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live in that way. And it was, it was, I can't even
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begin to explain to you how eye opening it was when people
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around me started shifting that they started responding to it in
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a in a positive, healthy, loving way that people actually like
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you more. They trust you more, they want
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to be around you because you're simply honest.
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When you are honest, people respond better.
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So you felt just basically telling the truth in your
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relationships. It does really sounds like the
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core of what you started to do transformed your relationships.
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And this was before you were an expert on attachment theory.
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You didn't get your degree yet. This was just Adam having this
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big transformation at age 20. It sounds like just a grace from
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God. Absolutely a grace from God
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could not have done it without God.
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All right, so now walk us through attachment theory.
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What is attachment theory connected, if you can, back to
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your decision to tell the truth and how that impacted all your
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relationships. Help us understand this and and
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you said it's an older theory in history too, OK. 1950s I'm John
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Bolby. Let's make it really simple.
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Attachment is the way that human beings connect in relationships,
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basically to get their needs met, to relate to live
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day-to-day, to get our bonding hormones, our neurotransmitters,
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everything that we need. So attachments right now between
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you and I, it exists here even in this relationship, but it
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goes back to our caregivers. Our caregivers teach us a couple
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of things. One, they're either going to
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work with us and be friendly and kind, honest, direct, have firm
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boundaries, but also work with us to get those needs met and
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create a system where we are comfortable.
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Our nervous system rests in their presence enough that we
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can speak up and say what we need to.
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We also learn the communication skills to articulate those
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needs. That's called secure attachment.
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And the child grows up calm, regulated nervous system.
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They're thriving, they're growing, and they're very
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focused on opportunities because they're not living on the edge.
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That's about 35% of people today. 65% of people have
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insecure attachment. They learn that the people
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around me will not listen to me. They will not caretake my needs.
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They will shut me up. They'll tell me I'm too much.
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They'll tell me I don't deserve it.
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And about 20% of those people go anxious where they believe it's
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their fault. They say I'm unlovable.
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No one will ever care for me, I'm worthless and I have to
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please other people to score points so that they might not
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abandon me and maybe will pity me enough to meet my needs.
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Massive people pleasers. About 25% of those will go
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avoidant, which says other people are the problem.
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When they get stressed out, they dominate me, they control me, so
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I'm going to put up a healthy wall.
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They become a lone wolf, a survivalist.
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Their brain, actually, the prefrontal cortex, overdevelops
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to squash emotional expression, so they can't feel their own
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feelings, especially during stress.
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And they become isolated emotionally from others and they
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manage things. Maybe they're manipulative or
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maybe they're ethical, but they still keep a wall between them
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and others. And about 20, the reigning
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portion of that with disorganized style, the blend of
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the two where it's deeper levels of trauma and they're both
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anxious and avoidant at the same time.
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They flip back and forth based on what relationship they're in.
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If they're around more controlling people, they flip
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anxious to please them. If they're around more anxious
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people, they flip avoidant to control them.
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And they go back and forth in different pieces.
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I've since updated the field of attachment theory.
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I've broken those down into subtypes.
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So there's 8 subtypes now because it has got worse since
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we did that research back in the 1950s.
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It was about 35% insecure, then 65% secure.
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We're going in the wrong direction now it's 65% insecure,
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35% secure. Where are we getting those
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numbers? So we've done a lot of research
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extensively over the decades, massive research by governments
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on every continent. There's a lot of research out
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there that shows this. We know that the boomers were
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about 35% secure. The Gen.
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X millennials, probably more you and me about 5050 and then
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zoomers today are 35 and it's actually getting worse and
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worse. And when you say it's like this
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government data and all of this data set, is it kind of
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collecting the large body of, you know, diagnosis, medical
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diagnosis, mental health diagnosis?
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And then you're, you're, you know, extrapolating that to
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mean, oh, this many people have anxiety, have depression,
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therefore they're at the root suffering from attachment
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disorders. It's actually even better than
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that. So for example, on my website, I
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have an attachment assessment and we assess people.
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We've done about 30,000 people in the last year alone.
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People go in and they answer about 60 questions based on this
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is how I feel, this is how I respond, this is what I do.
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And we can figure out very accurately what someone's
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attachment style is. So they've done that research
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over and over and over and over with people to actually figure
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out how they respond and how they feel.
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It's, it is a science, but it's not a recognized one in the
13:02
field of psychology yet because it's not a diagnosis that
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insurance companies can for some of my clients come in and
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they're on 27 different psych medications and they don't know
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what any of them are for things like that.
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That's what the system is supporting right now.
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But we do have exact research on this piece, so.
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There have been so many times when I've been looking for an
13:20
OBGYN or a pediatrician or a family doctor when I wonder, is
13:25
this doctor pro-life? So how do we find pro-life
13:29
doctors? I am so thankful to my friends
13:31
over at Presidio. They have launched pro-life
13:34
providers.com. Pro-life providers.com Com is a
13:37
values based platform where you can find doctors that share your
13:40
values from everything from infertility to vaccine schedules
13:44
to abortion. Don't settle when it comes to
13:46
your family's health. Find the best doctors.
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That's prolifeproviders.com. So you started this work more.
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You left behind your practice as a therapist to do this more
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count. It's a form of counseling.
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But you know, I know it's not technically accredited as it was
14:02
before. Why?
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Why did you do that? I wanted to teach everybody on
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every continent. My goal is to get 1 billion
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people securely attached. After that, you guys can take
14:11
care of yourselves. But that's why God put me on
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this earth is one out of seven people I got to take care of
14:15
through the course of my life. Me, my team, my kids, everybody.
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So to do that, I couldn't do it sitting in a therapy office and
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your therapy license is only good in one US state out of 50,
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and you're not allowed to touch anybody internationally.
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So I was turning down people. I had families coming to me
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begging me for help and I couldn't help them.
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I wasn't allowed. So I went to my licensing board
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and said I want to do something called coaching.
14:39
It's more Wild West. You can do anything you need to.
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It's I'm going to build a rigorous ethical system.
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I'm going to build my own system to do it.
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Can I do this? And they said no, anything you
14:48
do will be treated as therapy and you will be penalized
14:50
appropriately. So to be able to help anybody,
14:53
even in the neighboring state, I had to give up my license.
14:56
When you started your work publicly online teaching about
15:01
attachment theory, what were some of the, I guess, first
15:05
breakthroughs for you in terms of people noticing what you're
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doing and realizing this can really help me.
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And what did that look like for those people once they started
15:12
to learn from you? Oh man, it's the practical
15:14
science of it. Honestly, a lot of my audience.
15:17
I do have a lot of men, but mostly, and thank goodness
15:19
because they're women are so hungry to learn.
15:21
Women are anxious, they're starving, and they know
15:23
something better is out there. Men are sort of bunkered down
15:26
believing that this is all there is and they're just barely
15:29
surviving or not even that the women are trying to learn.
15:32
So most of the women come to me first and what they usually want
15:35
to learn is how to bond to a man in their life that they love.
15:37
It's how do I give him more love, care for him and build a
15:40
family with him. And thank goodness for that.
15:43
We need that. So what I usually teach the
15:45
biggest piece, and early on it was, it was really big, was
15:48
look, if you are intimate with a man and you are not building an
15:51
emotional connection first, if you aren't bonded in marriage,
15:54
if you aren't connected, he will not biochemically bond to you
15:57
appropriately. And especially if he has this
15:59
style of attachment, he will only release dopamine during
16:02
that experience. So he will, yes, come back later
16:04
when he's hungry, but that's not love or intimacy or loyalty.
16:07
You have a release oxytocin flow through your brain and become
16:11
biochemically addicted and monogamous to him.
16:13
So when he leaves Eaves, you'll be devastated again and again
16:16
and again. And as I put this science
16:18
online, all of a sudden it was this massive explosion of women
16:21
wanting to learn more about how am I biochemically different?
16:24
And then are men able to bond at all?
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Are they sociopaths? Nope.
16:28
Men have this other biochemical that they bond with.
16:30
It's called vasopressin. This is the the key to male
16:33
monogamy in particular to make it very satisfying.
16:36
So when I teach those elements that pulls a lot of women in
16:39
because they want to learn more about that science.
16:41
And that's, that's cutting edge research being done in
16:43
laboratories all over the the US right now.
16:45
Doctor Sue Carter, she's a leading expert in the world on
16:48
these bonding hormones. She has been for decades.
16:50
She's currently over in Europe touring.
16:51
I've spoken with her a lot. She's wonderful.
16:54
But her research is backing up all of these bonding pieces that
16:57
we understand and why, why chastity until marriage is
16:59
important, how men bond and how to actually get them integrated
17:03
into a family successfully when men seem to be fleeing from
17:06
monogamy. There's so many answers out
17:08
there and it all feeds right into I'm not calling it
17:11
attachment theory anymore. It's attachment science because
17:14
the whole cluster of how we bond.
17:16
What you just noted just now that people are fleeing from, I
17:20
mean, people are fleeing marriage.
17:22
Marriage is an institution. There's a little bit of actually
17:24
a backup right now. I think that there were some
17:27
record lows on people marrying and now it's like getting a
17:29
little bit better, but it's still terrible compared to 50
17:32
years ago, absolutely terrible post sexual revolution.
17:35
It's abysmal. The family's broken down.
17:38
Many people don't get married. I think half of children are
17:40
being raised in not two parent married households.
17:43
So they're being raised by single parents.
17:46
It's very rare to think about marriage for life and sex
17:50
belonging in marriage. People are just like, that's so
17:52
outdated. That does not make sense.
17:54
Most people live together before marriage cohabitations at an all
17:56
time high. And then also you have all the
17:58
mental health issues and all of the other breakdowns, you know,
18:01
porn addiction, sex addictions, that's all over there happening.
18:04
Is there a connection? I think so.
18:06
But you know, that's obviously something to explore here.
18:09
More like just going back what you're saying earlier about the
18:11
boomers. 65% secure attached today it's it's the opposite now
18:16
it's actually for Gen. Z. 65% insecure attached or some
18:20
broken attachment style. Why?
18:25
How far back do you want to go? As far back as we need to,
18:28
let's. Go about 125 years back to the
18:30
year 1900. In the year 1900, the majority
18:33
of Americans were living in rural, rural areas, in large
18:37
families, large farming communities.
18:40
They lived in extended family networks.
18:42
But we're also what we call kith and kin networks, additional
18:45
networks around them. So they knew people.
18:47
It wasn't perfect and idyllic. We don't we don't romanticize
18:50
this era, but it's appropriate for building secure attachment
18:53
because if your parent dies, you don't simply go into hardcore
18:56
starvation in survival mode. Someone else steps in and takes
18:59
care of you. If your parent is traumatized,
19:02
your aunt, your uncle, your grandparents, everybody's there.
19:04
So you have massive redundancy in your system.
19:07
It's very difficult to get insecure attachment because you
19:09
know you're loved in these thriving networks.
19:12
OK, This is how we're designed to be built and designed to be
19:15
raised, not perfect, but redundant so that everything is
19:19
great. OK, Now when you Fast forward
19:21
through World War One, which is a meat grinder, where we lost an
19:24
overwhelming amount of men, where we said we have the lost
19:27
generation of men who either were murdered over there in the
19:30
wars and died from shrapnel bombs that killed them and their
19:33
entire group of childhood friends, or men who came back
19:36
seeing that and couldn't function anymore.
19:38
Right? And then you have the Dust Bowl,
19:41
the Great Depression, you have this period of exhaustion and
19:44
destruction. You have Hemingway and all of
19:46
that sort of thing. And then rolling in forward into
19:49
that, you have financial destruction until World War 2
19:52
where we lose another generation of men.
19:54
And all of these women seeing men fail them at home because
19:58
the men are just checked out because they can't function or
20:01
they're seeing men just dying by the hundreds and they're losing
20:04
them, losing them, losing them. So women have learned don't
20:06
trust men, don't rely on them. For the last 100 years, we have
20:09
four or five generations of women saying don't rely on men,
20:12
they let you down or they will die, right?
20:15
So we've got feminism now, and that's men and women not being
20:19
able to connect. So you've got the early
20:21
generations. Love was survival.
20:24
I will feed my children with the blood of my own body.
20:27
They're the Pelican symbol and in Catholicism of the Belikan,
20:30
ripping itself open to feed its flesh and blood to its children.
20:33
Like that's those parents in that in that generation, you get
20:36
to the boomers and they were handed piles of rusty nails as
20:41
like inheritance, like I've saved these for you.
20:43
You might need these someday, right?
20:45
And half of them, maybe 65% got it, 35% didn't and rebelled and
20:50
said, why are you yelling at me? Why are you angry?
20:53
Agree all the time. Why are you emotionally shut
20:54
down? Why don't we feel like a family?
20:56
America switched from rural into urban and then families went
21:00
into these these big factory settings where they were ripped
21:02
apart and destroyed. We have the Knights of Columbus
21:04
come forward at this point to start trying to build a
21:06
financial safety for people who are killed and and maimed in
21:10
machines and can't take care of their families anymore.
21:12
We lose our safety Nets, we lose our extended families, we lose
21:16
our kith and kin networks. We lose religion along the way.
21:20
We lose everything along the way.
21:22
OK, And as this continues to grow through generations, now
21:25
we've got the boomers who are tripling their divorce rates now
21:28
in their 70s and 80s. They call it the Gray divorce
21:30
wave because they learned feelings is all that matters.
21:35
My family hated me. They were quiet and miserable
21:37
growing up. I will never tolerate that
21:39
again. Me, me, me, right?
21:41
So they tore apart families, Generation X, Generation Y.
21:44
And then they got their second batch of family and said, I will
21:47
make these kids stronger and better and smarter.
21:49
And they built the millennials who hate them.
21:52
And then going forward, they do. It's so true though, but you're
21:55
right, because the boomer generation, it's like they're
21:57
rejecting the kind of, you know, the, the, the silent, the
22:00
greatest generation, like stuff it up, be tough and then like
22:03
like cry, like like the feel like divorce.
22:06
Do what you need to do, be you like, I mean, they still have
22:08
their emotional issues, their attachment issues.
22:10
They're not like pretending like they're super healthy.
22:12
They're all a lot of them, love therapy, which is actually
22:15
interesting. It is, but here's what they did
22:18
especially wrong when they got divorced.
22:19
They said sometimes love just doesn't work.
22:22
And that's a message that has resonated through the
22:24
millennials. Hey, sometimes love doesn't work
22:26
out. You know, you just got to move
22:27
on. You got to dust off, tail
22:28
yourself off and move on to the next one.
22:30
And then we built all these networks based around that
22:33
concept that love is meaningless and pointless and sacrifice is
22:37
stupid and having children is a burden.
22:41
And so we built that in the millennials and then into the
22:43
zoomers now. And the millennials gave up
22:47
because they, they were being told, hey, sacrifice everything
22:50
for your family, but your family will do nothing for you.
22:53
And Gen. Z came along and said, no one's
22:56
going to help anybody. So survive.
22:57
They're they're they're essentially.
22:58
I'm going to go be a creator and do my own thing, Gen.
23:02
Z is growing up in the rubble of a society.
23:05
It's just that the machines are keeping us alive.
23:08
So they have never seen a functioning family.
23:10
Their concept of family is sitcoms and movies where we have
23:15
dad is an idiot and mom hates her life.
23:17
That's the concept of marriage now.
23:19
So Gen. Z doesn't know what to do.
23:21
So they're reinventing marriage, by the way, and pretending that
23:24
they've invented new concepts for it and giving it different
23:26
names, which is fascinating. But we're seeing this rise of
23:30
starvation. They want they want what has
23:33
been with us all along. It's just 100 years of insanity
23:37
and brokenness escalating to today where we are, where we say
23:40
marriage is pointless because we think marriage is about feelings
23:44
and it's not. OK, there's so much there that
23:47
was that was amazing. OK, so this idea of the feelings
23:52
first and then coming out of just brokenness and not secure
23:56
attachment and then wherever that leads that chaotic destroy
24:01
your life path that can lead you on.
24:03
But I think about the sexual revolution and the the onset of
24:07
contraception as this amazing technological invention that's
24:10
going to set us free, right? And obviously feminism, yes.
24:13
But I think in some ways feminism was hijacked by other
24:17
things going on, like some of the good elements early on.
24:20
You got the sexual revolution, you got contraception.
24:22
And all of a sudden you have like now you package the sexual
24:25
revolution and contraception and abortion as feminism.
24:28
That wasn't original feminism, but whatever, it's now packaged
24:31
that way. So now it's like 4 women and the
24:33
what is 4 women? Abortion, contraception and
24:35
like, you know, promiscuity. Like what?
24:38
How did this happen? This is so insane.
24:40
But that's where we are. Can you connect for me how you
24:43
see the sexual revolutions onset and all of that's chaos to
24:46
attachment breakdowns and the trauma that you know, started to
24:50
shift into American Society in part because of war, quite
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Can you connect for me how you see the sexual revolutions onset
26:01
and all of that's chaos to attachment breakdowns and the
26:05
trauma that, you know, started to shift into American Society
26:08
in part because of war, quite frankly.
26:10
Yes, so and technological changes, the Americans always
26:13
had a puritanical streak. But when you look back at the
26:15
1900 era, right, 1900s, nineteen 10s, you're not seeing that
26:20
insanity that they had of the 1950s, right?
26:22
But as families began breaking down, I saw this data just the
26:25
other day, families began breaking down.
26:27
And so there was no safety or stability at home.
26:30
So people actually moved out and started getting married younger,
26:32
really, really young in the 1940s and 1950s.
26:36
And then the mother was alone in the home.
26:38
And it was so bad because women, women aren't meant to be alone
26:41
in a home and take care of everything alone on their own.
26:43
They're meant to have their mom, their aunt, their grandmother,
26:46
right? You, you have children.
26:47
Like after you have children, Are you ready to run a home
26:50
completely by yourself day and night, right?
26:53
What would it be like to have a team of older women around just
26:56
helping you nap? I mean, I have that thanks to
26:58
God, because we've really intentionally built that and I
27:02
feel very privileged that I had that.
27:04
But if I did not have that. It's hard, right?
27:07
Yeah. Everyone, when you talk about a
27:08
traditional lifestyle, everyone wants to look at the 1950s.
27:11
But it was not traditional in any way, shape or form.
27:13
It was based on extensive trauma from three, from from three
27:17
decades of insanity of people falling apart and then getting
27:20
married at, you know, 15 and freaking out when it didn't work
27:24
out well. And then exploding out of that
27:26
and saying I gave up my life to this person and from, well, both
27:30
of us, from broken families didn't make it work.
27:31
Sometimes love doesn't work out. Marriage is for idiots.
27:34
Let's not bother. And that's where the sexual
27:36
revolution comes is women saying, why should I sacrifice
27:40
everything for someone who will never love me and I have to be
27:43
alone in a home to the point that we have mother's helper or
27:45
that comes along, you take it and you just zone out for the
27:48
rest of the day. That's where psych meds, and in
27:49
some ways many of them started. It was just to dose women up
27:53
during the day because they couldn't handle being fully
27:54
alone and. Left the Betty Friedan, right,
27:56
Feminine mystique. Like, what is this strange thing
27:58
that's hitting suburban women? They're so unhappy.
28:01
Well, the problem is children. The problem is marriage.
28:04
It's like maybe it's actually you're alone by yourself all day
28:07
in a home and you like have this very disordered attachment style
28:12
and so you're just miserable like that.
28:14
Maybe that's it. Maybe actually children are and
28:17
and your husband are part of the answer, but you're not
28:19
connecting it. When you connect it, when you
28:21
look at how the female brain operates, even within feelings,
28:24
even within those pieces, the female brain, it's fascinating.
28:27
It's designed to integrate with other female brains and process
28:31
how you feel in a safe, loving setting.
28:34
Your emotional right brain gets agitated, but your logical left
28:37
brain diminishes. You go to another woman who's
28:39
calm and her life left brain is high, her emotional brain is
28:42
low. You begin processing, and as you
28:44
do, she's looking at you. She's smiling, she's reflecting,
28:47
and you feel cared for. Your emotional agitation goes
28:50
down. As oxytocin goes up, serotonin
28:52
goes up, dopamine goes up. This releases GABA in your
28:55
system which suppresses cortisol.
28:57
You feel better as you process your emotions and you know that
28:59
you're loved. Your logical brain begins to
29:01
fully re engage and now you understand how you feel.
29:03
Now you understand what to do. You find your answers and then
29:07
that woman feels close to you because you trusted her.
29:09
Women are meant to interlock like this and connect, but only
29:12
in a securely attached fashion. Therapy, by the way, has usurped
29:16
this role. Now you pay a therapist for this
29:17
instead of the woman in your life.
29:19
But this is women are designed to do this lovingly with each
29:22
other. In the 1950s, that was lost.
29:25
Women stopped doing that because they were utterly alone,
29:27
overwhelmed in a home, taking care of everybody, slaving away
29:31
20 plus hours a day, 4 hours of sleep at night.
29:35
It was never supposed to be that way.
29:37
Women should never have to endure that.
29:39
So what does the impact? I know we're going a few
29:42
directions here, but there's so much to get into.
29:44
But what is the impact of a mother who is distracted and who
29:49
feels that like emptiness inside that fatigue?
29:52
And again, there are so many good women.
29:54
I'm going to, you know, just guess listening to this like,
29:57
yeah, motherhood is really hard. It's beautiful.
30:01
I wouldn't treat my kids for the world, but it's really hard.
30:04
And then there's some women I was actually debating, you know,
30:07
dual income, no kids. DINK podcast gal recently for
30:10
Ellen Fisher Show. It's going to come out at some
30:12
point soon. But she was like, yeah, I was
30:14
fine growing up, but I'm not, I'm not going to be a mom.
30:17
No way. I'm so happy not being a mom.
30:19
Never want to be a mom. I'm married, but I'm never going
30:21
to be a mom. Oh, you can be a mom.
30:22
That's fine, but moms are it's so hard.
30:24
It's so tough. And is that normal that it
30:28
should be that way? And what are the what are the
30:31
reasons behind it when from an attachment lens and how do we
30:34
heal those reasons? Motherhood is hard, but there's
30:37
different levels of heart, right?
30:39
I've heard people say that motherhood is hard because when
30:42
a woman gives birth to a child, she doesn't just pass one human
30:46
being through her body. Her heart is now outside of her
30:49
body walking around in the world, and she has to hope that
30:52
her heart is always safe and every child is her heart.
30:55
And that's hard. It's hard to build your world
30:57
that way. It's hard to constantly be on
31:00
demand where they're touching your body, grabbing your body,
31:02
you're feeding them from your body.
31:03
Your your life is no longer your own.
31:05
It's hard in a way that fathers we have a different hardship.
31:10
Yes, motherhood is hard. That's why God gave us a perfect
31:12
example of motherhood that we could follow, but also said hey
31:15
look, if it's hard, that's OK. We know it's hard, right?
31:19
Yes, motherhood is hard, but it shouldn't be this hard.
31:22
Women today are afraid of motherhood and that that's not
31:24
how we are supposed to be. You shouldn't have to be afraid
31:27
of it. You shouldn't have to hope that
31:28
your county has resources for you, for child, for child care.
31:32
You shouldn't have to hope that someone will financially provide
31:34
for you through the state or or a husband.
31:36
You have to just like hope he doesn't die or leave you, right?
31:40
We're supposed to have an entire extended network of men and
31:44
women wrapped around you so that your safety and stability are
31:47
always there when a woman has high stress, right?
31:49
And women today talk about being in their masculine when she has
31:52
high stress. Unfortunately, what happens is
31:55
she shifts from her parasympathetic resting state,
31:57
that nervous system into her sympathetic nervous system.
32:00
What this does, unfortunately, is block many of her oxytocin
32:03
receptors. OK, now oxytocin does a couple
32:06
wonderful things. It diminishes your chronic pain.
32:09
A lot of women live in chronic pain.
32:10
If you're listening to this, you probably do headaches, massive
32:13
headaches, right? It also allows us to synthesize
32:15
GABA, gamma amino buturic acid, which suppresses cortisol.
32:19
So her nervous system will stay calm with oxytocin.
32:22
If she's loved and cared and nurtured, right?
32:24
Her fertility goes up with high oxytocin.
32:26
It goes massively down with oxytocin.
32:28
A lot of women struggle to conceive anymore.
32:30
I have a very dear friend named Jessica Preston.
32:32
She works at a fertility clinic. It's a rival for IVF, and they
32:36
have higher rates of success. Even when someone washes out of
32:39
IVF, they come to her and they can get pregnant and have a
32:43
robust healthy baby by building healthier family system.
32:47
It's not an artificial one where we're creating embryos like
32:50
that. It's real healthy children where
32:53
IVF fails. We know that this works.
32:56
And when you boost that oxytocin, women's fertility goes
32:59
up, their happiness goes up, their their serotonin goes up,
33:02
their safety goes up, their autoimmune disorders start to
33:04
diminish, their anxiety diminishes, they feel safe.
33:07
And as their oxytocin receptors open up, they feel flooded with
33:11
it. And what's fascinating is when
33:12
you get flooded with oxytocin, you become compulsively
33:14
affectionate to those around you.
33:16
So you return warmth and affection to everyone around you
33:18
and their quality of life skyrockets because that woman is
33:21
full of oxytocin. Women can survive on their own,
33:25
right? But they shouldn't have to.
33:27
And it's a waste and it destroys them.
33:29
For women who are mothers or considering motherhood, and
33:34
there's ambivalence there and there is, you know, struggle
33:38
there and stress there and all of the things and there's lots
33:41
of reasons for it. What are some of the things from
33:43
an attachment lens that she maybe needs to discover or heal
33:48
that will help her be in the position to be also then more
33:52
securely attached to maybe her own kids, her husband, you know,
33:56
help rebuild these broken networks.
33:59
You know, if we don't have a given family, then try to create
34:02
this in our own neighborhoods or, you know, again, this is a
34:04
whole project. How do we build these systems,
34:05
these, you know, family systems that are now so broken down.
34:08
But if we are insecurely attached ourselves, how do we
34:11
start that process? And what does that even look
34:13
like? This.
34:13
Is a great question. I will say that I'm, I'm blessed
34:17
to have my wife in my life as a great example of a good mother
34:19
for our children. So I can tell you what she has
34:21
done that's securely attached. And I can tell you what many
34:24
women do that's not securely attached, what those outcomes
34:26
are. I know that when, when we're
34:28
able to listen to our children objectively, when they have a
34:30
criticism of us or concern, and we're able to reflect to them
34:34
and work with them because we're none of us are perfect, that
34:37
they learn that people will work with them.
34:39
I know that when, when a wife and a mother is able to be calm
34:42
and steady in the home, the children can be calm and steady
34:44
too. I know that when she feels warm
34:47
and cared for and protected, she's able to give that
34:50
abundance of love back to the children so that they get high
34:52
oxytocin, which improves their, their immune system.
34:54
They get sick less often, right? But they also feel cared for, so
34:58
their oxytocin receptors open up and flow better, right?
35:01
So they grow up with that experience.
35:02
A lot of avoidantly attached children who grow up, they never
35:05
got an oxytocin bonding experience.
35:07
Their oxytocin receptors are blocked almost for life because
35:10
they don't know how to open them up and get connected again.
35:12
And, and, and that's interrupted, is that because
35:14
their mother or their caretaker, if they didn't have a mother,
35:17
you know, they were in Foster and they were kind of passed
35:19
around, but is that because she wasn't able to just kind of like
35:24
like smile, relax. It's like enjoy herself with
35:27
this baby. She's just always stressed and
35:29
rushing and, and distracted. Like what does that actually
35:31
look like? So I really, I really like this
35:35
concept that mother is the first other that we know and she
35:38
really is the first model of God that we have because we're so
35:41
reliant on her for survival. We can't eat, we can't do
35:44
anything without her. She feeds us entirely and and
35:47
cares for us. We, we will die without her, and
35:49
our brain knows that. So anything that would be
35:52
existentially terrifying to a child becomes a trauma.
35:56
Attachment issues are a trauma response that we don't recognize
36:00
as trauma because it's not what we would as adults would
36:02
consider trauma. But a child whose mother is
36:04
crying all the time and the child detects chronic stress in
36:08
her baby's best sense is actually a sense of smell.
36:11
So they can smell the stress hormones, they can smell the
36:13
terror. And they say I'm in a world
36:15
where everyone around me, my mother, this person, this thing
36:18
that feeds me is utterly afraid all the time.
36:21
When mom is too scared to be able to check in and she's she's
36:24
reflecting anxiety and fear back.
36:26
The baby detects that and sees that, grows up in that and says
36:29
there's reason to be afraid. When mom is so anxious that
36:32
she's constantly in her phone and the baby is trying to get
36:35
her attention and can't, the baby says, I can't get attention
36:39
from this thing that's that keeps me alive.
36:41
It only occasionally pays attention to me.
36:44
Maybe if I'm better, it will pay attention to me more, right?
36:47
If Mom is emotionally turbulent and out of control, the baby, if
36:51
it's a child, especially a boy, might say I have to be stable
36:54
and in control. And now I have to stabilize mom
36:56
when I'm three or four or five and calm her down and start
37:00
telling her to calm down. And I have to keep her
37:02
environment safe or she will forget to feed me or forget to
37:05
care for me. Even if she doesn't, the brain
37:07
says it could happen and I will die.
37:09
So the brain begins either pleasing Mom to survive, or the
37:14
brain begins taking control of mom or distancing mom from mom.
37:19
If she's hyper obsessive, hyper fixated, constantly governing
37:23
you, managing everything you do. Don't, don't go outside, don't
37:25
walk like that. Don't say that you're going to
37:27
die. Don't do this.
37:28
Don't write freaking out and helicopter parenting you.
37:30
You push back and reject again. Anxious attachment to please her
37:34
to survive. Avoid an attachment to refuse to
37:37
connect with her emotions and manage her so you survive.
37:40
Or disorganized attachment, if she's really scary and sometimes
37:42
she hurts you, loves you, goes back and forth.
37:45
You never know how she's going to act.
37:46
Mom sets a lot of this tone. Father does too.
37:49
But early on in those first few years, Mom sets tone for
37:52
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today. Let's start with the women.
38:58
What can women do to even understand?
39:02
Do I have an attachment issue? And then to heal whatever that
39:08
attachment issue might be. That's a great.
39:09
Question so that they can mother.
39:11
No, that's a great question. Because I think everyone wants
39:13
to be a good mother or or be able to be a good mother.
39:16
Everyone wants to be a perfect mother and that's the problem is
39:18
you're never going to be perfect.
39:20
There is no way for any woman on this planet to be a perfect
39:22
mother and fortunately you don't need to be.
39:24
What we need to do is build something called a self
39:26
correcting family system. You're not going to get it
39:29
right. Everyone out there, you're not
39:29
going to get it right. But you build a system where
39:32
your children know they can come to you.
39:34
Like with my wife, if my children have a concern, they
39:37
come and ask her. Mom, I saw you do this the other
39:39
day. Why did you do that?
39:40
Mom, when we were having that discussion the other day, you
39:43
said something that kind of hurt my feelings.
39:45
Oh, tell me more about that. Let's talk about that.
39:47
Let's let's figure that out. My son, the other day, he came
39:51
to me and he said, dad, the other day you were kind of
39:54
grumpy. I said was hi.
39:56
He said you were. And I think you need to
39:57
apologize. I said OK.
40:00
Hey, man, I actually apologize for that.
40:02
Thanks for letting me know. Tell me more about it so that I
40:04
can try to figure out what I was doing so I don't do it again.
40:07
Right, and it's not, it's not him taking control.
40:10
I don't know that it's him giving me a healthy boundary and
40:13
saying that our our relationship is good.
40:15
And in that moment it wasn't. Can we fix this?
40:18
My wife and I foster that and our children.
40:20
That's what we really need to do.
40:21
So even mothers out there, if they're worried and they're
40:24
like, my child is 4, I've been anxious.
40:26
I'm always looking at Facebook or or Instagram.
40:28
My kid is kind of nervous. My kids a people pleaser.
40:31
They're always trying to be perfect all the time.
40:33
They're scared, they're nervous. I can see it.
40:35
Or they were in daycare way too often.
40:37
Whatever it might be, start building a culture where you are
40:41
comfortable. Why the mom needs to have a
40:43
nervous system. Calm enough that when your child
40:45
comes to you with a concern, you respond properly.
40:48
The issue with moms today is they react to everything.
40:52
They don't respond to things from a calm nervous system.
40:55
If you want to be a good mom, calm your nervous system.
40:59
There's a number of ways to do that And then start responding.
41:02
Never react. That's the change she need to
41:04
make. I think that core principle of
41:06
calm, receptivity, responsiveness and attentiveness
41:11
is part of it. Not like a hyper vigilance, but
41:13
like being able to be aware, you know, an awareness of oneself of
41:16
1's children. What's going on is really a core
41:20
element of any attachment that you would develop with either
41:23
your kids or a spouse or anybody.
41:25
Because if you're not kind of present in yourself and then
41:28
present to the other people and there's calm there where their
41:31
connection can happen. I mean, what is attachment then?
41:35
Like how can there even be attachment?
41:36
And the problem, the problem that a lot of women are trapped
41:39
in is if there's no masculine, stabilizing protective force in
41:43
her life, she has to be that. And then she can't be that
41:47
feminine, calm, centered, nurturing self by design.
41:50
Women are versatile and they can do that, but they're not meant
41:54
to. It burns them out and destroys
41:55
them much faster. And we see their life expectancy
41:58
decrease by about 15 to 20 years when they have to chronically be
42:01
in that state. We see quality of life go down.
42:04
We see the rise of fibromyalgia, cancers, reproductive cancers
42:07
especially. We see the rise of autoimmune
42:10
disorders, chronic pain, migraines, unhappiness.
42:13
About 1/4 of women are on psych meds right now here in America
42:16
now for this process. So women are designed to be on
42:19
the inside of a protective perimeter established by a
42:22
healthy, safe, loving, intimate and disciplined masculine
42:28
protector. And that's what we're lacking
42:30
today. Again, that we talked about over
42:32
the last 100 years, that has been eroded and men have been
42:34
separated from women and men have been broken in our own way.
42:38
And we're, we're not really understanding what to do.
42:40
I have a whole idea of what masculinity is doing right now.
42:42
I think it is reemerging and it needs to.
42:45
But until that force is reestablished in a good, loving
42:48
way, women are going to continue to struggle.
42:50
And that's why women are calling men out so hard right now.
42:53
We had Erica Commissar, by the way, on the show who you've
42:56
probably seen her work. I'm curious you're actually take
42:58
we're going to do a quick segue on Erica Commissar's work the
43:01
first three years being there very anti daycare, largely anti
43:07
full time working mothers. She makes some accommodations.
43:10
I know you know, I work people are like you work Lila.
43:13
I do, but with a, you know, aloe care having another securely
43:17
attached, you know a daily family member children are with
43:20
etcetera. Part of the reason I had so many
43:22
issues was I was a child of daycare very intensely for the
43:25
first several years of my life and I know how devastating that
43:28
is when the child reconnects to a caregiver that you pay money
43:32
to and that becomes their pseudo mother and then that's ripped
43:35
away. I know how devastating that is.
43:37
Personally, I. Did your daycare switch a lot so
43:41
you had different caregivers a lot?
43:42
No, that would have actually been easier probably that that
43:45
builds avoid an attachment style.
43:46
When you have a long term daycare caregiver for a while,
43:49
that's then taken away, it's much, much worse.
43:51
So in that process, no daycare is devastating.
43:54
Daycare is one of the worst things we've ever done to our
43:56
children. It's one of the worst inventions
43:58
of humankind. It is the worst thing on the
44:00
planet. And yet most women are trapped
44:02
in it. Again, like we've talked about,
44:04
because women have been severed from each other.
44:06
Women have been severed from the connections they should have.
44:08
Women don't have even 110th of the resources that they should
44:12
have to build their families. Women are operating with almost
44:15
nothing. And that's why daycare looks
44:17
like a necessary evil. It's not necessary.
44:19
It's just that we've destroyed all of the systems that should
44:21
replace it. And would that system look like
44:24
you have your neighbor or your sister or your grandmother and
44:27
it's in your home and you have other, you have like these kind
44:30
of smaller groups of kids where it's sort of more like aloe
44:33
parenting, where this is a lifelong family member.
44:36
Now they're not going away. They're part of the family.
44:39
And if I'm leaving to go do farm work or work a job or whatever
44:42
I'm doing, there's somebody else that's a lifelong member of the
44:46
family that you're also securely attached to.
44:48
Yeah. So it looks like your great
44:51
grandmother. It looks like your grandmother.
44:53
It looks like your mother and you and your child and five
44:56
generations all being alive at the same time, right, Usually
44:59
for human history. It looks like not only that, but
45:02
your great aunts, your great, great aunts, all of that
45:04
extending outward. It looks like your cousins, your
45:06
sisters. It looks like this network of
45:09
probably 40 to 50 additional women around you who love you
45:13
and care for you and love your child because that child is
45:16
related to them. It looks like a family alliance
45:18
of 40 or 50 women all working together, integrated, helping
45:22
each other. Not perfect, no one will be.
45:25
There's small little conflicts, but everyone works together to
45:27
resolve harmoniously whatever comes up.
45:30
So imagine women out there today if you had 40 or 50 additional
45:33
helpers that loved you and loved your children.
45:37
That's what daycare is replacing.
45:39
Wow, OK, there's so much more to go on that path, but I want to
45:43
get to the relationship piece because that's also hugely
45:46
important here. Men and women, marriages,
45:48
relationships, romantic relationships, we can call them.
45:51
You do a ton of work on that. Tell me about what we need to
45:56
know about attachment science in relationships, how people
46:02
listening can be more self aware, have healthier
46:04
relationships. There's a whole world that we're
46:05
going to get into here, but. Give me a place to start because
46:09
that's that's 20. Hours.
46:10
Let's let's start with kind of this theme of disordered
46:14
attachment, anxious attachment from childhood, like you had
46:17
difficulties in childhood. Maybe let's start with what
46:21
might some people not be aware of in their relationships
46:24
because of their attachment styles, being insecure that
46:28
they're having disharmony in relationships.
46:31
What does that typically look like?
46:33
What are the clues for that? Let's start with the
46:36
biochemicals, because that usually shakes most people
46:38
pretty badly. So when you have poor
46:41
attachment, whether it's anxious attachment, avoiding attachment,
46:44
or disorganized, what tends to happen is your oxytocin is very
46:47
low. When your oxytocin is very low,
46:49
your GABA is very low. When your GABA is low, your
46:51
cortisol is high and unregulated all the time.
46:54
When that's low or when that's high, your serotonin is very
46:57
low. OK, Your melatonin is also very
47:00
low. So you have insomnia quite
47:01
often. A lot of people have insomnia
47:03
nowadays. That's one major reason why.
47:05
So you're looking at low oxytocin, low serotonin, low
47:07
GABA, and then this other bonding hormone, vasopressin.
47:10
When we solve problems with people, we build trust through
47:13
this bonding hormone called vasopressin.
47:15
It sends a signal to our brain that says this person's my ally.
47:19
I should prioritize being with them.
47:21
OK, it's not romantic. Men have more receptors for it
47:24
than women do. Women have them, but men have
47:26
more. OK, you're low on all of those.
47:28
When you have attachment issues, all that you have left is
47:31
dopamine. Unregulated cravings for
47:34
dopamine all the time. Now men focus on this because we
47:40
should be getting intimacy, trust, love, connection with our
47:43
family, our friends and with a partner and instead we reprogram
47:47
through dopamine. Is that addiction is 1 big?
47:49
One and then social media, obviously.
47:50
Social media too. It's a sugar and food addictions
47:55
video game addiction, gambling addiction, hook up culture one
47:59
night stands. Men actually get a lot of
48:00
dopamine through sex and casual sex.
48:03
Men don't release oxytocin the way that women do typically
48:05
during climax or during casual sex experiences, especially with
48:09
a partner that can not connected to.
48:11
I call this the cheeseburger effect.
48:13
The woman goes in and has sex and suddenly he's the best
48:16
friend she's ever had in her life.
48:17
He goes in and says wow, that was a really tasty hamburger.
48:20
I'll come here again when I'm hungry.
48:22
And that's what's destroying women and hookup culture right
48:24
now. It's devastating them because
48:25
they think a lot of women go out and say if I have sex with him,
48:29
he will love me. And a lot of women think that's
48:31
all they offer. Because a lot of women have
48:33
never been in their feminine state.
48:35
They've never been in their parasympathetic bonding system.
48:37
They're not able to integrate successfully with a male nervous
48:40
system. The female and male nervous
48:42
systems actually are symbiotic. They work together when the male
48:44
nervous system keeps her safe and calm and regulated.
48:48
He goes out into the horror and disaster of the world,
48:50
experiences stress with a different system than hers and
48:53
absorbs it, comes back calm and reintegrates with her.
48:57
She pulls him and guides him into his parasympathetic and
49:00
rests him. And that's actually where he
49:02
begins to produce more human growth hormone for wound healing
49:06
and muscle growth. He produces oxytocin that
49:08
actually resolves his sleep. A lot of avoidant men, they go
49:11
and they they connect with a loving woman finally for the
49:14
first time. And then he'll say, I sleep
49:16
better when I'm at your house. It must be the blankets and they
49:19
don't understand that he's resting his nervous system with
49:22
her and she's integrating the way that women and wives are
49:25
designed to rest and heal us right our nervous do.
49:28
They have to go to bed at the same time for that.
49:30
It's better if they do, but it's a lifestyle.
49:33
I call this the oxytocin pipeline.
49:34
We can get into that at some point of how you build intimacy,
49:37
safety and love together and and all of that.
49:39
But men need to integrate with the female nervous system.
49:42
And if we can't, we die. We die very quickly.
49:46
Men, a lot of times we get cancer in 40, at age 45 and up.
49:50
A lot of men today in their 20s and 30s are experiencing, I
49:53
don't know if I could say these words here, but erectile
49:55
dysfunction at rates we've never seen before.
49:57
And it's because oxytocin in long term relationships
49:59
especially is the primary driver of arousal for men.
50:04
And when they don't have that, they have to rely on dopamine,
50:07
which is very short term based. Five to seven months into a
50:09
relationship, his novelty dopamine with a woman dies and
50:12
his desire for her dies and she wonders why just as she's
50:16
oxytocin bonding with him and really investing and wants to
50:19
get married now, and he now never experiences pleasure with
50:21
her again. Avoiding men don't experience
50:24
that they're not vasopressin bonding because they're not
50:26
solving problems together. And this is the biggest problem
50:28
with with attachment issues in general is you don't solve
50:30
problems with people, so you don't vasopressin bond.
50:32
So trust isn't built. And fascinatingly, when we take
50:35
mammals and we inject vasopressin into them, if that
50:39
mammal was cheating before, it ceases all cheating and becomes
50:42
very protective and loving and monogamous.
50:45
If we take animals who are highly monogamous and connected
50:48
and block their vasopressor receptors, they begin cheating.
50:53
Laser Preston is one of the biggest indicators of monogamy.
50:55
We are rewarded for solving problems with our loved ones.
50:58
And it's so beautiful because like, human beings uniquely can
51:01
be monogamous because we can choose to love and we can choose
51:05
to be rational and figure things out together like you're
51:07
describing. It builds trust in special
51:08
bonds. And the animal Kingdom they
51:10
don't have, I mean, a lot of the animal Kingdom doesn't have
51:12
monogamy. Some of it does, of course, but
51:14
it's something special about humans.
51:16
And this is this is this is a good point because a lot of
51:18
people say, especially men, I will just sacrifice my happiness
51:23
and never feel pleasure or joy again after that five to seven
51:26
month window. I will just never feel good
51:28
again and just choose to be in this dry marriage where we
51:31
barely have sex and it's unhappy, right?
51:33
We always say the wife's sex drive dies at one year.
51:35
That's because at the female sex drive, if she's not feeling
51:38
safe, secure and securely bonded, her sex drive will die
51:41
at one year, even in marriage, because it's just performative
51:44
after that to make him happy. But even that starts to dry up,
51:48
and then the man's novelty dopamine is gone five to seven
51:50
months if he's not securely attached, right?
51:53
So we look at sex is. This the oxytocin pipeline.
51:55
This is if we don't get it. Yeah, if we don't get it.
51:58
Insecure attachment. The man's sex drive dies at five
52:01
to seven months, and he's there just for the dopamine.
52:04
He forgets she's even in the room while he's having an.
52:06
Insecure attachment to her. To everybody, but yeah,
52:09
especially to. Her he's an insecure attached
52:11
but but it it'll of course impact the relationship.
52:13
Yes, OK. I want to go down that track
52:16
that you're doing and I want to hear about the oxytocin
52:18
pipeline. So let's do that next.
52:19
So what we are meant to do in a relationship, OK, is we are
52:23
first supposed to have what's called emotional safety.
52:25
Emotional safety says I can let down my hair.
52:28
Women in the old days used to let down their hair at the end
52:30
of the day when with their partner, right, Their spouse and
52:32
her hair would come down. That meant she was vulnerable
52:34
and safe in their presence. And emotional safety says I can
52:38
say anything and you won't attack me.
52:40
You won't leave me if it, if it's weird, you'll ask me about
52:43
it, We'll talk about it. If there's an issue, we'll
52:46
resolve it. You're predictable.
52:48
You will always answer based on your ethics and your goals.
52:51
You won't operate based on feelings.
52:53
Feelings are there, but you're calm and disciplined in that
52:56
area, so you're safe. So the emotional safety, we can
52:59
say anything we need to and resolve any problem.
53:02
So we are calm in each other's presence, right?
53:05
When we have emotional safety, it opens the door for emotional
53:07
intimacy. Now we can talk, now we can
53:09
share. My wife, she loves it when I
53:11
share with her about my fears, my concerns, my difficulties at
53:14
work, stuff that men usually cover up and and don't share.
53:17
Women love to hear that, right? That emotional intimacy.
53:21
Where am I, what do I desire, what do I feel, what am I
53:24
thinking? That builds safety and
53:26
connection because we know each other and we feel trusted and
53:28
loved. That begins really building this
53:30
oxytocin. When we are safe, oxytocin
53:32
receptors open up. When we feel that emotional
53:35
intimacy, we flood with oxytocin a bit and it begins to build.
53:39
Now this leads into what we call non sexual physical touch.
53:43
A hug, a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the head, right brushing
53:47
by a man touches the small of his wife's back as she walks by.
53:51
Right non sexual physical touch of just I want to be near you.
53:55
We have research that shows when we take a husband and fathers
53:58
who have newborn children and we measure their affection,
54:01
spontaneous affection with their child and then afterward we give
54:04
nose spray of oxytocin to them, their affection rates skyrocket
54:08
and playing with that child, their affect of touch, love,
54:10
kissing, everything skyrocket. When they get when they get
54:14
oxytocin sprayed on them. And up their nose.
54:17
They should sell it on the Internet.
54:18
So, doctors. What's fascinating is doctors
54:20
they. Should all be pumping, we should
54:22
all get a little spray and. As.
54:24
They're all nicer to our babies, you know, our like, babies would
54:27
get more. I mean, I wonder if abortion by
54:28
the way is because of oxytocin being so low.
54:31
Well, and what you just said, what you just said is what the
54:33
field's thinking is we should give people prescriptions for
54:38
oxytocin, but we're not designed to need prescriptions for
54:41
oxytocin. We're supposed to be getting
54:43
constant warmth and affection from our family and friends and
54:46
partners. So when we have safety.
54:48
Makes so much sense. This is what I mean.
54:50
When we have safety, we build emotional intimacy.
54:52
Then we build non sexual touch. Now the woman's system feels
54:55
safe and nurtured. Now we have what's what's called
54:58
sexual touch, right? It's a little more more forceful
55:01
hugs. It's kisses is on the mouth,
55:03
right? It's a swat on the butt as you
55:05
walk by. It's hey, you're looking good
55:07
today. It's, it's that level of sexual
55:09
touch. And then we move from there when
55:12
that oxytocin is now upsurging. A woman needs this for arousal,
55:16
right? Man does too, it turns out,
55:18
especially after the first year. And that grows into foreplay.
55:21
You go into the bedroom, 10 to 15 minutes of really intense pre
55:25
sex touching and connection that a husband and wife are supposed
55:28
to share. Your oxytocin skyrockets and the
55:31
woman feels safe and loved and connected with this man who is
55:34
safe and warm. He knows her.
55:37
This turns the male sex drive from a general like, hey, I saw
55:40
something aroused me to you personally aroused me and this
55:45
foreplay leads into sex. And now this is where a woman
55:49
can actually orgasm very quickly if I'm allowed to say that word
55:51
here on the show, but women do it.
55:52
So a woman can reach that and multiple times.
55:55
And as she does, more oxytocin pumps through her system.
55:58
Oxytocin is what contracts the uterus during childbirth and
56:01
climax. The man is growing in oxytocin
56:04
during because you're touching his face, you're rubbing him,
56:06
you're talking, you're making eye contact.
56:08
He's not checked out like this, forgetting you're in the room
56:12
and then that explodes afterward and you're nestled in each
56:15
others arms and you lay there and you talk and you laugh and
56:18
you share what we call afterplay or aftercare.
56:21
And that loops back around to emotional intimacy where you
56:23
start talking. And as you go through this loop
56:25
over and over every day as a couple, your oxytocin is sky
56:29
high for both of you, which suppresses your GABA or builds
56:33
your GABA to suppress your cortisol.
56:34
So you're in your sympathetic out of your sympathetic into
56:37
parasympathetic nervous system and you're resting and you're
56:40
nurtured and he is growing and he's healthy.
56:42
The man is abundant and his life vasopressin is high, oxytocin's
56:46
high, and he's connecting to his wife.
56:48
This is where he doesn't need. And because dopamine is no
56:51
longer the focus of his life, it's barely a garnish.
56:55
This is where you kill an addiction and even the desire
56:58
for it and the wife. This is where you build this
57:00
abundant sex drive where he's begging for a night off.
57:04
This this is because it starts. With early it starts with the
57:07
foundation of the oxytocin and the non sexual touch like the
57:11
non sex. Well you can.
57:12
You need the safety for the non sexual.
57:13
Touch. And that's what most women are
57:14
missing. How do men want safety?
57:17
Like what? What does it look like for a man
57:18
to create safety? Great question.
57:20
And do and do they want safety? Do they want that?
57:24
Men will throw up if you ask them what makes you feel safe,
57:27
men will throw up. They hate that because our, our,
57:29
our, our nervous system is not designed for that, right?
57:32
God built us for a difficult, painful world.
57:34
And God built women to endure their own pain in their own way.
57:37
But he built men to build a perimeter and then go out from
57:40
that perimeter at perimeter and suffer and bleed and die to
57:44
gather resources and bring a, bring it home to our families.
57:48
So men don't want safety. Safety is what a coward does.
57:51
They want to create. They should want to create
57:53
safety for. The women want to create safety.
57:55
That's the highest calling of masculinity, is to create safety
57:58
for others. We want peace when we come back.
58:04
We want peace so that we can connect with that female nervous
58:07
system and heal and refresh from the agony that we've endured.
58:11
We want peace, we want to know. We want her to see her smiling
58:15
on the doorstep, right? She splashes you with a bucket
58:17
of water, wash the blood off. She gives you a big hug, she
58:20
brings you in and she rests you in her nervous system.
58:23
Now, men who can't do that, we had to invent martial arts where
58:26
you can send philosophy. You go sit in a cave for 20
58:29
years and desperately try to reach your parasympathetic
58:31
nervous system. Or you connect with a loving
58:34
wife who pulls you into it as a reward and kindness for you
58:38
keeping her there. What about the men though, that
58:41
seem to not even want is the wrong word maybe but gravitate
58:45
towards the damsel in distress. She's not smiling on the
58:49
doorstep, She's in distress. She's having a hard day.
58:51
She's crying on your shoulder. She needs to be saved and that
58:55
activates and handsome sort of a mask.
58:57
You know the masculine and that is like the relationship now,
58:59
but. It's fascinating when you find
59:01
someone who has a ton of problems.
59:02
You can suddenly earn a reason to be in their life if you don't
59:06
think they'll ever love you. But you can earn reasons for
59:08
them to not abandon you. If you can earn gratitude and
59:12
you think that's what love is. If you can inspire feelings in
59:16
somebody right and white Night for them.
59:18
Anxious attachment in men is about the almost one of the most
59:21
unattractive traits that a man can have.
59:23
He can be awful, he can be abusive, he can be a criminal,
59:26
but as long as he's not anxiously attached and people
59:28
pleasing, women will still desire him.
59:30
When a man has anxious attachment style, he's a nice
59:32
guy. This is what the friend zone was
59:34
invented for. It's a man who is so far below
59:37
you in that in that level, but you have to be the man and take
59:41
care of his emotions. This is an abandonment of
59:45
masculinity. It's not feminization, it's
59:47
effeminate. Effeminate means the
59:49
inappropriate presence of feminine traits where masculine
59:51
traits must exist, especially those safety creating ones.
59:54
Effeminacy is abandoning your role to create safety for
59:58
others. Effeminacy is what women find
1:00:00
disgusting, and women will go for avoiding men instead.
1:00:04
But I think like speaking from my experience and some friends
1:00:07
experience on husbands, right, the husband who you can be safe
1:00:13
with, of course you want that safety, But part of safety is
1:00:16
being able to share my struggles.
1:00:19
I'm stressed, you know, letting your hair down, but part of
1:00:21
letting your hair down is like, this is frustrating.
1:00:23
This is tough. I have this problem I need to
1:00:25
solve. You know, I, I know there's a
1:00:27
joke, like women just want to complain about their problems.
1:00:29
They don't want their husbands to solve them.
1:00:30
I do want my husband to resolve my problems.
1:00:33
I love it when he has this problem solving hat on like it,
1:00:35
it's great. And we, we, we are a team.
1:00:37
We can figure things out, but that's not white knighting per
1:00:41
SE, although it is absolutely knighting.
1:00:43
I don't know about the white knighting like, but it is.
1:00:44
He's my knight like he is helping me.
1:00:46
I'm not a, I'm not a perpetual damsel in distress, but I have
1:00:49
distresses that he's helping me resolve.
1:00:53
So and I help him. But so how does that fit into
1:00:56
your framework? So he's not being your knight,
1:00:58
he's being your leader. Yeah, that's a different role.
1:01:01
Can be leaders, but yeah, I I, I I.
1:01:03
Hear you? Yeah, but he's being your
1:01:04
leader. I I have a whole so I'm very
1:01:08
Catholic and, and some people know that.
1:01:09
You are welcome here, Adam. I'm.
1:01:11
Glad, I'm glad, but but some people know that some people
1:01:13
don't. And it shocks some people
1:01:15
because they say, how could a man of science be Catholic?
1:01:17
I I. Yeah.
1:01:20
The best scientists of all time. We're Catholic, but.
1:01:22
I know it. I've learned.
1:01:24
That many of them I've. Learned that.
1:01:25
But yeah, I've had to update the concept of what marriage is
1:01:28
supposed to be for a modern audience so that people can
1:01:30
understand that. Can I share a little bit about
1:01:32
that? Please do.
1:01:33
Yeah. So, so such fascinating stuff.
1:01:35
We. Have the 1950s concept when you
1:01:37
tell a woman be submissive to your husband.
1:01:39
We have that 1950s concept of be a slave, take your drug, shut
1:01:43
up, don't have feelings, just be a robot.
1:01:44
No, no, no, no, no. The, the model that I have, I
1:01:47
teach and most of my clients come to me.
1:01:48
They are high functioning, CE OS high, very high performers,
1:01:52
Fortune 500 executives, global corporate executives.
1:01:55
They are Hollywood a listers. And they come to me to repair
1:01:58
their marriages because they're falling apart.
1:01:59
They, they are acing it at the office and their marriage has
1:02:02
never been worse. OK, So when they come to me, I
1:02:06
have to speak to these men and women and their spout and, and
1:02:08
their wives at home, usually about what marriage needs to be.
1:02:12
And so I teach them this. The man is the CEO, chief
1:02:15
executive officer. The woman is the COO, chief
1:02:17
operations officer. OK, the woman works internally
1:02:20
in the domestic sphere of the company.
1:02:22
She is still an executive. She's a Co executive.
1:02:25
But it's a small offset in the hierarchy for fast decision
1:02:29
making. Somebody has to make the final
1:02:31
decision and get all the blame. Quite frankly, somebody has to.
1:02:36
It's a difference not of value, but of roles.
1:02:38
The man's job is the executive. Provide vision, make hard
1:02:42
decisions, right? Be responsive to the rest of the
1:02:45
community, put out fires constantly, be on fire patrol,
1:02:49
make sure that the company is thriving and has resources
1:02:51
coming in and basically solve everyone else's problems all the
1:02:54
time. That's the CE OS job.
1:02:56
It's the most stressful job in the company and it's supposed to
1:02:58
be now. The Co OS job is to maintain
1:03:02
basically be the thermometer of the company.
1:03:05
How are we doing? How are we functioning?
1:03:07
How are our departments doing? Are we running things on time?
1:03:10
Is everything smooth? It's her job to always be aware
1:03:14
of what's going on and then to bring problems productively to
1:03:17
the CEO and now it's his job to solve them.
1:03:20
Now she can and should be in that role Advising he should
1:03:23
say, OK, come into my office, right?
1:03:25
You don't want to go knock on your CE OS door.
1:03:27
You want what do you want screaming at you?
1:03:28
Or he's in his office, you know, drinking and he he doesn't want
1:03:31
to do it. You have to do his job for him.
1:03:33
A lot of women have that problem at home right now.
1:03:35
Or he's hiding under his desk and I'm afraid and you have to
1:03:38
put on both hats and do both jobs.
1:03:39
No, you want the CEO that when you knock on his door, he says,
1:03:41
hey, come in, come, come on. You say, you know, I'm very
1:03:44
concerned about something. OK, if you're concerned, it must
1:03:47
be real issue. Tell me what's going on.
1:03:49
Are you telling me? He says, OK, I don't really
1:03:51
understand that department very well, so could you tell me a
1:03:53
little bit more about this and this and this and he asks you
1:03:55
clarifying questions. He says, OK, I think I see where
1:03:58
the problem is. To me, I think this would fix
1:04:00
it. Before we implement that, do you
1:04:02
see any, you know, the systems better than me.
1:04:04
Do you see anywhere where something could fall apart?
1:04:07
OK, now pause for a moment. The male brain observes in the
1:04:10
back and immediately goes forward to act upon it.
1:04:12
The male brain primarily has pathways that go front to back.
1:04:15
Observe, fix, observe, fix. That's what we do.
1:04:18
OK, female brain, observe and then go back and forth across
1:04:21
the hemispheres to analyze relationships, structures,
1:04:25
ideas, tear them apart, put them back together.
1:04:27
Right. The man will solve one problem,
1:04:29
the woman will detect 10 other problems and then build him a
1:04:32
streamlined pathway. So go back into it.
1:04:35
This is the problem. This is the solution I think
1:04:37
work. What do you think of that?
1:04:38
Not not. Do you think we should do it?
1:04:40
Is there anything I'm missing? Anything we should add?
1:04:42
And she says, well, we could add this piece because it would
1:04:45
create this problem, but this will actually give us a better
1:04:47
outcome. He goes, great, I'm going to
1:04:48
call it. We're going to do that.
1:04:50
Absolutely. Let's follow through on that.
1:04:52
Let's have a connection again in in 30 days or in a week and talk
1:04:55
about how it's going. We'll troubleshoot from there.
1:04:58
She says, OK, And they both have their roles, they implement,
1:05:01
they succeed. That's how a marriage is
1:05:02
supposed to operate, right? She shouldn't be worrying about
1:05:05
the sales numbers. She shouldn't be worrying about
1:05:07
resources. She shouldn't be worrying about
1:05:08
rival companies. Her job is the internal
1:05:11
structure, and his job is to keep that internal structure
1:05:14
safe and connected. He goes out, he solves problems.
1:05:17
That's that's marriage in a nutshell.
1:05:19
That's how we operate together. Our brains are for that.
1:05:22
Our hormones are for that. Everything is built for.
1:05:24
That and the oxytocin pipeline that you were talking about
1:05:26
earlier, this is a necessary setup for you to build the
1:05:30
pipeline you need. It's it's the infrastructure you
1:05:32
need this infrastructure. So back to the roles thing and
1:05:35
we'll keep working backwards on the on the pipeline because I
1:05:38
have more questions on the pipeline there's.
1:05:40
So. Many things to talk about.
1:05:41
Oh my gosh, so, so back to the roles question, you're
1:05:44
describing CEO and CEO, there's so many different personalities,
1:05:48
men and women, you know, there's so many different temperaments,
1:05:51
obviously giftings, skill sets, backgrounds, attachment styles
1:05:57
that hopefully we are aware of and, and improving or seeking
1:06:00
health for our attachment healing.
1:06:02
What's maybe broken when you're dealing with any number of
1:06:07
couples that you're coaching and they're looking at, OK, if I'm
1:06:10
Col. woman, I'm CEO man, this is going to probably look different
1:06:14
for every couple based on all of the unique elements of their
1:06:18
life and and persons. And so there could be the CEO
1:06:22
man who maybe the woman is very visionary and she's sort of
1:06:28
giving desires. You could call them to the CEO
1:06:30
man and he's not necessarily like envisioning that himself,
1:06:33
but she is the muse and giving that to him, right against just
1:06:36
spitballing hair or the woman who is COO, but the CEO man is
1:06:41
really good at COO tasks like household management tasks.
1:06:44
How do you approach these nuances?
1:06:46
I love that. And yes, every couple will be
1:06:48
somewhat different, but those roles are designed to be
1:06:52
optimized for at least 90 to 95% of the population.
1:06:55
There's a few women who excel otherwise in their marriages,
1:06:58
but most women, even the female CEO's I work for it with with as
1:07:01
clients. They don't want to go home and
1:07:04
then be masculine at home. They want a man who out
1:07:06
masculine. They don't want to be the CEO in
1:07:07
their house. I mean.
1:07:08
I'm one of them. I I my husband is my CEO and I'm
1:07:11
I'm always trying to recruit him to be the CEO of my of GTV as.
1:07:15
Well, see, right, it's exhausting.
1:07:17
If that happens, it's. Exhausting.
1:07:18
I'll never forget. I had a great conversation with
1:07:20
my wife and and she said tell me what men do, tell me what men
1:07:24
experience. And I described it to her and
1:07:26
then she just looked at me and said it sucks to be a man.
1:07:30
And I said, well, in some ways yes.
1:07:32
And I said in, in, in it sucks to be a woman.
1:07:34
In some ways, the hardships are different.
1:07:37
I don't even think they could be compared because we're designed
1:07:39
to handle our hardships differently.
1:07:40
I could never do what my wife does.
1:07:43
I think that she might be able to do what I do.
1:07:45
Maybe 70%, and that's most women.
1:07:47
They can do a man's job about 70%.
1:07:50
They can't do the whole thing 'cause you're not built for it
1:07:52
and it will, it will destroy you, but you can do it as
1:07:55
needed. So most women don't want to be
1:07:57
CEO in the home. But absolutely my wife and I,
1:07:59
some people would say, you know, the man should control all the
1:08:01
money. My wife is so much better with
1:08:03
finances than I am domestically. She handles her finances.
1:08:06
I give her the whole paycheck and say, tell me what my budget
1:08:09
is, Tell me what my not allowance, but what, what do I
1:08:11
have on my side to spend when I go on trips and things like
1:08:13
this? She's brilliant in that area,
1:08:15
right That I'm, I'm actually might surprise some people.
1:08:19
I'm pretty good at relationships.
1:08:20
So when there's relationship things that need to be worked on
1:08:23
in the family, actually that's my role, right?
1:08:26
So. You do the, you do the job
1:08:28
description because they're titles and there's certain core,
1:08:30
very high level responsibilities.
1:08:32
But in terms of the job descriptions, that's up to the
1:08:34
couple and they need to be. And it sounds like what you're
1:08:37
saying is you need to be intentional about problem
1:08:39
solving your life and sharing your vision and building out
1:08:42
what are our roles and how are we going to do this together?
1:08:44
And here's where attachment comes in, as if you don't have
1:08:46
secure attachment. You are afraid to talk to your
1:08:48
husband about your roles. You will be playing them, hoping
1:08:50
he will do certain things, but afraid to ask him because you're
1:08:53
afraid he'll say you're not worth that, or that he'll scream
1:08:55
at you, or that he'll just crumble.
1:08:57
You're afraid of of stepping in and taking responsibility
1:09:00
because you're afraid you won't be able to handle it.
1:09:02
You'll do things behind the scenes hoping he'll get your
1:09:04
hints, but he doesn't get it because his brain doesn't work
1:09:06
that way. You'll be terrified to have
1:09:08
those explicit conversations. So you're having implicit
1:09:11
conversations that no one understands and everything falls
1:09:13
apart. And then 20 years into this, you
1:09:16
hate your life. You hate your husband, he hates
1:09:19
you, and you get a divorce because the kids just finished
1:09:21
high school. OK, wow.
1:09:23
If you're if you're dating someone seriously, you're either
1:09:27
the man or the woman and you can't have this safe,
1:09:29
comfortable conversation about roles vision are how we're going
1:09:33
to do this thing together or you're just going to get out.
1:09:35
Well, the good things good. You're not married yet.
1:09:37
Thank God. Get out.
1:09:39
If you can't have a conversation with somebody about this
1:09:41
structure. I have a whole 3 date method I
1:09:42
teach people for courtship. I think dating is dating is a
1:09:45
disaster. It is a disaster.
1:09:47
And courtship is appropriate. Courtship is intentional and
1:09:50
different. If you're, if you can't do that
1:09:52
in those first few dates, either you are the problem and you need
1:09:57
to fix your attachment issues. And that's a good test.
1:09:59
You asked me earlier how to test if you have attachment issues.
1:10:01
If you're afraid to have conversations about the future
1:10:04
you're trying to build, you probably have attachment issues.
1:10:07
Or if you try and they sidestep, they run away, they shut you
1:10:11
down. They focus on the feelings,
1:10:12
feelings, feelings also. They are the problem.
1:10:15
Could it be that they feel it's too premature to be getting that
1:10:17
deep? Securely attached people don't
1:10:19
say it's too premature to be thinking about our future now.
1:10:22
Yeah, they'll say it's too premature to get engaged on date
1:10:25
#2 but it's not not too early to have that conversation securely
1:10:29
attached. People will go in on the first
1:10:30
date at the end of it and say, hey, I just want to make sure
1:10:33
we're on the same page. You know, I am looking for a
1:10:34
long term committed relationship.
1:10:35
I want to get married. I want to have children.
1:10:37
Not today, but but I do want it. Do you want that too?
1:10:40
And if so, what does it look like for you?
1:10:42
Let's talk. About that.
1:10:42
That's true. They should be able to have that
1:10:44
conversation. Yeah, absolutely.
1:10:45
And then going forward, whenever one of you does something that's
1:10:49
against that, the other one doesn't just quietly sew him in.
1:10:52
Well, he's doing that, but hopefully it's OK.
1:10:54
I don't know. I'm afraid to ask him about it.
1:10:55
She'll say, hey, you told me on that first date that you're
1:10:58
wanting to build a a healthy long term marriage, but then you
1:11:01
also tell me that you're smoking pot.
1:11:02
What are we doing here? Like, hey, you just told me you
1:11:04
quit your job so you can go travel the country and follow a
1:11:07
band around Like what? What are you doing?
1:11:08
Hey, you know you're you're doing all these other things
1:11:11
that are sabotaging the life that you say you want.
1:11:13
What's happening here? Securely attached women will ask
1:11:16
questions again or you're. Ghosting me Are you interested
1:11:19
or not A. 100% they will ask. Are you serious or not?
1:11:22
Like is this something we were going to do or not?
1:11:24
And if you're not interested, just tell me, correct?
1:11:27
And if you are interested but you're not ready to be
1:11:29
interested, then tell me that too.
1:11:31
My unfortunately my DMS and my emails and everything are
1:11:34
flooded with women who are asking Adam he's doing AB or C
1:11:39
what does it mean and how do I get him to commit?
1:11:43
Well, I had asked earlier about the woman, how does someone
1:11:45
knows that they're interestingly attached or they're disordered
1:11:48
attached or they're avoiding detached versus secure attached.
1:11:51
And you made this other comment just now about, you know, on a
1:11:54
first date, you might things might be really going wrong.
1:11:57
Is it because of you or them? You got to figure that out,
1:12:00
which is so good because I think the kind of posture today, it's
1:12:03
like it's always the other person's fault.
1:12:04
They're the narcissist, they're the weirdo, they're the problem,
1:12:08
they're the issue. There's this actually social
1:12:10
media app now that women basically rag on their dates.
1:12:15
I don't know if you've heard of this or, like, bumped at the top
1:12:17
of the App Store. I forget the name of it.
1:12:18
And I forgot. Oh, tea.
1:12:19
Tea. Yeah, of course.
1:12:21
They're the healthy ones. I'm sure all these ladies on tea
1:12:24
talking to strangers about these poor, helpless thing that
1:12:27
they're, you know, having them pay for their meals and then
1:12:29
ragging on them online. I mean, the whole thing's crazy.
1:12:33
It's like you want, if you want a database of women you should
1:12:35
not go on dates with, you probably should log into Tea and
1:12:37
see who's on there. That sounds scary.
1:12:40
Anyways, how do you tell if you're the problem or they're
1:12:43
the problem when it comes to attachment styles?
1:12:46
Take a good hard look at yourself and say ask a couple
1:12:49
questions. One, do I believe I actually am
1:12:53
worthy of love as a person, or do I feel like I have to earn it
1:12:57
#2 Do I feel like I have to constantly perform in
1:13:01
relationships so people will stay interested in me #3 Am I
1:13:06
afraid to ask people direct questions about what they expect
1:13:11
of me or want from me #4 Am I afraid to ask people for things
1:13:17
in relationships, my needs, my desires?
1:13:19
Am I afraid to ask them that? OK #5 And this is a very, very
1:13:25
good one. Do I constantly keep up a fake
1:13:30
front so that people will never know what I'm really thinking or
1:13:32
feeling? If you're saying yes to any of
1:13:37
these, and most of the women out there probably are saying yes to
1:13:39
most of them to be honest with you, then you have some work to
1:13:41
do because you can't have the conversations you need to to
1:13:44
fulfill your responsibility as a wife.
1:13:46
So you are not prepared. So should those women not date?
1:13:49
You'd say until they figure some of that out.
1:13:50
I don't think anyone should date.
1:13:51
Actually, I think that they should be courting.
1:13:53
But but these women need to build community.
1:13:57
Here's the problem. Women are not meant to be
1:13:59
utterly alone, wandering through a dark forest, hoping that the
1:14:02
first guy they stumble across will be the perfect husband.
1:14:05
And that's what most women are doing today in the dating world,
1:14:08
right? You should have a community
1:14:09
where men come to you and filter through your community and they
1:14:12
say, hi, I know this nice young man, you should meet him.
1:14:17
You should be filtering through your network.
1:14:19
You should be having your network go out and find your the
1:14:21
men in your life. Go out into the forest and
1:14:23
stumble across a man and connect to him and then bring him back
1:14:26
and say hey we found this amazing guy we trust.
1:14:28
Today. It's what humans are designed
1:14:30
for, though. It's matchmaking.
1:14:32
For our networks, is it rare because we have our own
1:14:34
attachment issues and so we are not building those.
1:14:37
We don't know how to do community like that.
1:14:38
Do you remember? How do you have AI think?
1:14:40
Also just think like a single. The single people I know, the
1:14:43
ones that are thriving the most, they have married couple
1:14:46
friends. They like have this, they do
1:14:48
have this, they have good. They've kind of understood their
1:14:50
childhoods and kind of learned how to relate as healthfully as
1:14:52
they can with their parents and their siblings.
1:14:55
They're doing all this work, so to speak, that they're doing it
1:14:57
beautifully. They're creating space for these
1:14:59
relationships. And then there's the people that
1:15:01
I just think that they're just bouncing around.
1:15:03
They don't even have an awareness of these realities.
1:15:05
And so they're, but they're also hungry for maybe this vision,
1:15:09
but they don't know if they'll ever achieve it.
1:15:10
So they're kind of like, it's the Gen.
1:15:11
Z like what you're describing. There's kind of like a drift.
1:15:14
Remember what I said at the beginning?
1:15:15
We had that conversation piece about families shattering and
1:15:18
you would have 40 women around you who would be caretaking
1:15:20
every need you have when you're when you give birth to a child.
1:15:22
But if you're single, those women are finding you a husband,
1:15:26
their husbands, you're are finding you a husband, your
1:15:29
cousins, your friends, everybody around you and your network is
1:15:32
finding you an appropriate husband.
1:15:34
And his family knows your family.
1:15:36
So when he comes in, he's not sending you nasty pictures and
1:15:38
treating you like dirt and then ghosting you because his
1:15:41
community will beat him to death.
1:15:44
He's coming in understanding this is serious, so he'd better
1:15:47
treat you kindly. He's coming in talking with you
1:15:50
about serious courtship. He's coming in treating you with
1:15:53
kindness and respect, and he knows that you have good values
1:15:56
because your family is vouching for you.
1:15:58
He can trust you more. Men don't trust women today,
1:16:00
just like women don't trust men. You have 20 or 30 years of data
1:16:04
on how he acts and behaves and carries himself and his faith.
1:16:09
You understand him at a level that you couldn't possibly
1:16:11
understand. A stranger you meet in the
1:16:13
woods. Your networks connect and then
1:16:15
bond the two of you, so you trust each other through your
1:16:18
networks. It all sounds amazing.
1:16:21
There's so many places to go to. How do we, how do we build that
1:16:25
right? How do we get there?
1:16:27
We shouldn't have to. We shouldn't have to, but we're
1:16:29
it is what it is, right? So many of us have what we have.
1:16:31
So, so let's talk, let's go back to the oxytocin toxicotosin
1:16:36
pipeline and address the couples that's already married in this
1:16:40
case, right? And they're trying to rediscover
1:16:43
in their marriage the spark and have a healthier marriage.
1:16:48
Maybe. Let's get really specific here.
1:16:50
What if you are a woman listening and you feel like I
1:16:54
can't? I maybe have issues too.
1:16:57
I think my husband is an avoidant husband and and define
1:17:00
avoid it for us so that we're using the same language here
1:17:03
but. Avoidantly attachment your brain
1:17:05
over develops in the prefrontal cortex to squash your emotional
1:17:08
expression, to squash the pain you're going to feel, but also
1:17:10
to spot squash good emotional feelings.
1:17:12
Your brain says don't open up and share with other people
1:17:14
because it will be used against me.
1:17:16
Your brain says other people's emotions are dangerous because
1:17:19
they get over emotional, then they make bad choices and they
1:17:21
hurt me. Your brain says I have to
1:17:23
survive alone all the time and I now have to carry my wife
1:17:26
strapped to my back while I survive in an apocalyptic world
1:17:30
and just barely keep us together.
1:17:31
And is that because their mother was probably like unpredictable
1:17:35
and untrustworthy to them or? Their father or their?
1:17:38
Father or? Their family split up and they
1:17:40
were there was yelling all the time or they were left alone all
1:17:43
the time and not given oxytocin. Either they didn't get oxytocin
1:17:46
or the receptors closed due to high levels of stress.
1:17:48
There's a number of ways to create avoidant men, but their
1:17:51
brain says connection is impossible, love is fake,
1:17:55
everything is emotions and chemistry.
1:17:57
There is no hope. No one is coming to save me.
1:18:00
I have to survive alone. And then he falls in love with a
1:18:03
woman and says, OK, new plan. I will do all of that, but with
1:18:06
you strapped to my back while you're screaming and crying, and
1:18:09
I will somehow keep us together. An avoidant man continues to be
1:18:14
a lone soldier with his wife strapped to his back, and he
1:18:16
resents her every time she makes his life harder, but he won't
1:18:20
let her help him. How much success have you had
1:18:23
when you're talking about this in your work with men saying,
1:18:26
Yep, that's me, fix me. I have a 99.8% success rate in
1:18:30
resolving marriages that have this issue.
1:18:32
Amazing. And and are women coming to you
1:18:34
with the issue or men first with what?
1:18:36
Is there a predominance of one versus the other?
1:18:39
Men come to me ready to fix it. Women come to me begging me for
1:18:42
information on how to fix it. So I teach the women how to work
1:18:45
with a man like that. But the men who come in, I just
1:18:47
teach them immediately. So men want a solution.
1:18:50
They, they, they said something's wrong and they want
1:18:52
a solution. And women want the solution too.
1:18:53
All right, what do you tell them?
1:18:55
What do you what, what is the solution to the avoidant husband
1:18:58
in this marriage? Where there is and, and actually
1:19:02
before we get to the solution, what are some of the telltale
1:19:05
signs of dysfunction in a marriage that you're like, eh,
1:19:08
there's attachment issues, particularly maybe the avoidant
1:19:10
issue, but there might be others too.
1:19:12
When you ask him how his day was at work and he minimizes it with
1:19:16
one word and then runs into the other room.
1:19:19
When you try to touch his face and get connection with him and
1:19:22
he pulls away almost like it hurts and it's uncomfortable.
1:19:25
When you ask him for emotional closeness and he looks at you
1:19:28
blankly and has no idea what you mean.
1:19:29
When you say I need to feel safe and he says what does that mean?
1:19:33
Because he's never felt safe in his life so he can't give you a
1:19:35
feeling he doesn't understand. When you say I want to
1:19:40
understand you and know you and he says no you don't.
1:19:44
When he pulls away and says something harsh, when you try to
1:19:46
be close to him because it looks like it, it hurts him.
1:19:49
It actually physically harms avoidant men, their nervous
1:19:51
system. It's abrasive to them to try to
1:19:53
get oxytocin because the receptors are closed and it's a
1:19:56
warning sign when they're stressed out to get connection.
1:19:59
Physical touches is actually painful to them during that
1:20:02
time, especially affection. Right.
1:20:05
If he's harsher with you and irritable and, and, and if you
1:20:07
know that he's a good man with good principles, This is the the
1:20:10
division I've made with avoidant attachment style.
1:20:12
There's ethical avoidant and there's manipulative avoidant.
1:20:15
When he's contemptuous, controlling, hurtful,
1:20:18
gaslighting, that's manipulative.
1:20:20
That's a whole different flavor. But when he's, you know, he's a
1:20:23
good man, but he's suffering and he's alone and he's isolated and
1:20:27
he won't let you help him. And physical closeness and
1:20:30
emotional closeness is so alien to him.
1:20:32
He doesn't get it. And when you are emotionally
1:20:34
starving, serving in your marriage, that's a great sign
1:20:36
that you're married to an avoidant man.
1:20:38
And I'm guessing there's varying degrees of this, right?
1:20:40
More extreme versus this is a kind of a lighter issue that
1:20:43
kind of flares up more than times than others.
1:20:45
So you're dealing with the whole spectrum.
1:20:46
OK, what? So what do you do with this
1:20:48
couple? When they speak to you, it's the
1:20:49
opposite of what marriage therapy will tell you.
1:20:51
Marriage therapy says more communication, more oxytocin,
1:20:55
talking about feelings over and over and over, which his brain
1:20:57
treats as a threat. It's the woman complaining about
1:21:00
him and bringing in a list of things he's doing wrong, which
1:21:03
sounds like a threat, right? Because he's trying to navigate
1:21:05
a hell world with you strapped his back, and now you're
1:21:07
complaining and punching him in the head.
1:21:09
It is, you know, have more sex, plan more dates.
1:21:13
All of these are the opposite of what he's going to try to do.
1:21:15
And his nervous system will scream at him that this is
1:21:17
demanding and controlling and he will leave.
1:21:20
So you're saying when the therapist says you need to have
1:21:22
a weekly date, right? And then like she's like he's
1:21:25
not during the date, right? Like he like shows up the day
1:21:28
like oh, it's like. And that just almost makes it
1:21:30
worse because it re it, it like reaffirms to her he doesn't care
1:21:34
and he's just doing this. He's doing the motions and it's
1:21:37
just she's she's planning the date.
1:21:38
She hates it. And then the marriage crumbles
1:21:40
more and there it's almost like the therapy is the literally
1:21:44
gasoline on the fire to just burn it all to the ground.
1:21:46
And and a lot of therapists will pressure you into divorce at
1:21:48
this point. Most women hate that their
1:21:50
therapists take sides against the man because the woman's
1:21:52
there to solve it, she's not there to be validated.
1:21:54
She wants to fix it and the therapist makes it worse for
1:21:57
both of them. So a lot of marriage therapy
1:21:59
leads to divorce, unfortunately. I was a marriage therapist.
1:22:01
I was trained in the system. I understand exactly what that
1:22:03
looks like. That's one reason I don't do.
1:22:05
That well, then they feel more confident in their divorce.
1:22:07
That's what I've seen like we left, we parted ways because we
1:22:09
love each other that that's the thing that breaks my heart is
1:22:11
and because of those kids often involved especially, but it's
1:22:14
like we parted ways. We love each other, but we
1:22:16
parted ways. Like love just doesn't work.
1:22:18
How do you love each other if you parted ways?
1:22:20
Like explain this to me. They think love is separation,
1:22:23
they think love is rejection. And love is doing it my way,
1:22:25
right? Now, how to fix it?
1:22:27
Yes, two things. One is understanding that this
1:22:31
is what's happening. So most women go into this and
1:22:33
they start developing what's called a cortisol association.
1:22:36
Your brain releases cortisol in pain and says that man is the
1:22:39
problem. He walks in the room and instead
1:22:40
of saying oh good, he's home. It's Oh, no, not you again.
1:22:43
You start building resentment. You think he doesn't care.
1:22:46
You think he does this because he hates you.
1:22:48
You think he's a jerk. You think he's a monster.
1:22:51
You think he's blah blah blah blah blah.
1:22:52
And your system says he's a threat.
1:22:54
It's the opposite of emotional safety, OK?
1:22:58
If you can understand what he's feeling and experiencing, what
1:23:00
his brains doing, it's not give up and accept it.
1:23:03
It's understand that this is a massive trauma response from
1:23:06
childhood, that he doesn't understand anything of what
1:23:08
you're trying to teach him or connect with him.
1:23:10
He doesn't know what you're trying to do.
1:23:12
It feels like he is constantly in pain all the time and his
1:23:16
method of love for you is basic raw survival.
1:23:19
It's to bleed and suffer for you.
1:23:22
Understand that that's where you're starting.
1:23:23
That's not the ending, that's the starting place.
1:23:25
OK, so understanding and resolving that cortisol
1:23:28
association so that she can even give him kindness.
1:23:31
The the the reason I have a 99.8% success rate, not 100% is
1:23:35
the couples who come to me where the wife is so saturated in
1:23:38
anger and resentment that she's become the perpetual victim and
1:23:41
she's sold herself the story or someone has told her the story
1:23:44
where it's all his fault and he's a.
1:23:46
Monster he's. Bad and she needs.
1:23:48
To be even talking to you then. Correct.
1:23:51
They come to me often. Those are the very few where the
1:23:54
man really drags her in. Men, men, men come to me for
1:23:58
other things. But that's that's the one that's
1:24:00
the unresolvable death spiral is if the woman is a perpetual
1:24:02
victim forever and will never soften or show any kindness to
1:24:06
him ever again. You've never seen a man be the
1:24:07
perpetual victim because. They can.
1:24:09
Oh they can. That's the manipulative
1:24:11
avoidance style. That's even the personality.
1:24:13
But you've had success with those?
1:24:15
Those I can turn. The men.
1:24:17
Strangely, many of them we can. Not all of them, certainly, but
1:24:20
many of them we can. Women are harder to turn once
1:24:22
they reach the absolute inversion of femininity.
1:24:25
They reach that absolute rage spiral or they're destructive
1:24:28
and hateful. Very hard to turn that.
1:24:30
But if? They come out as bisexual.
1:24:32
Well, they do a lot of things. They do a lot of things.
1:24:35
But at this point, if that woman has even an ounce of kindness
1:24:39
left in her for that man, if she even even a even a smidgen of
1:24:42
care, we can turn that into that loving connection because then
1:24:46
what we do is we teach her how to speak to him differently.
1:24:48
Here's what's fascinating. A man's oxytocin receptors, if
1:24:52
they are dormant for a long period of time, they shift to
1:24:56
not accept oxytocin molecules anymore.
1:24:58
They shift to receive vasopressin molecules.
1:25:00
He already has vasopressin molecule receptors, but now he
1:25:03
has additional ones. Now he is primed for vasopressin
1:25:06
to an overwhelming degree. Except that avoidant men won't
1:25:09
let you solve problems with them.
1:25:12
So you need to step in as that COO and begin solving problems
1:25:16
with him. Small ones to do that.
1:25:18
When you knock on his office door, you can't walk in speaking
1:25:20
emotionally about love and safety and nurturing and
1:25:24
intimacy, things he's never felt before, You walk in speaking
1:25:28
measurable. I need to feel loved, right?
1:25:30
This is what I call the what, why, and how often method I need
1:25:33
to feel loved in a relationship. OK, here's two things as
1:25:36
examples of things that help me to feel loved.
1:25:38
So these two things make me feel loved.
1:25:41
Here's why those two things make me feel loved in particular.
1:25:44
And here's why it's important to our marriage that that happened
1:25:47
because these are the benefits our marriage will get and that
1:25:49
you will get, Sir. What, why and how often?
1:25:52
Here's how often I need that for about this amount of time.
1:25:55
Can we do that exact clear, measurable.
1:25:59
He can go wow. So if I invest this amount of
1:26:01
time, I will get this benefit, our relationship will get this
1:26:04
benefit, and we'll have more peace in the relationship.
1:26:07
What is that like I need 5 minutes of a foot where I I mean
1:26:09
right? For my for my wife, it's 20
1:26:11
minutes a day of direct conversation.
1:26:13
Adam, I need 20 minutes of, of conversation directly per day.
1:26:16
Like holding hands, eye contact, no children screaming, tug,
1:26:19
tugging at me, throwing up on me.
1:26:21
You understand this right? 20 minutes a day of direct
1:26:23
conversation. I need you to be focused without
1:26:25
a screen. I mean, you just share a little
1:26:27
bit about your content, about your day, emotionally, anything
1:26:29
at all. Give me some status updates.
1:26:31
Share with me some of your challenges and what you're doing
1:26:33
about them and let me share in return, right?
1:26:36
This helps me feel loved because I feel like you trust me and
1:26:38
you're investing in me and I'm worthy of your time.
1:26:40
My wife tells me and it benefits our relationship because I can
1:26:44
be warmer for the children. I'm calmer.
1:26:46
I'm, I'm warmer with you. You get this love and this
1:26:48
intimacy. Our marriage will continue to
1:26:50
grow and prosper. I need 20 minutes a day, every
1:26:52
day. So when you when the when the
1:26:55
avoidant avoidant husband, the couple come to you and you're
1:26:58
having this high, high success rate and, and helping their
1:27:01
relationship rediscover intimacy, safety, closeness, all
1:27:05
of these things you your first kind of go to is give them
1:27:09
specific tools to use in terms of things she asks from him.
1:27:15
Is it always that direction? And there's specific things that
1:27:18
he can give, and then that starts to build his sense of
1:27:21
masculinity, Like, look, I'm providing for her and it builds
1:27:23
her sense of safety. Like look, I'm getting what I
1:27:25
need. It helps.
1:27:27
It helps the man show her that he cares about her because he
1:27:30
begins to actually understand what emotional needs are,
1:27:33
Understand that he's avoiding because no one ever cared for
1:27:35
his emotional needs. So he doesn't know what that
1:27:37
means. So he doesn't know the
1:27:39
starvation he's creating in her. He hasn't understood oxytocin
1:27:42
and the and the starvation of it.
1:27:43
He doesn't understand the rejection and how painful that
1:27:46
is. He doesn't understand what he's
1:27:48
been doing to her all that time. So helping him understand the
1:27:51
pain he's inflicted on her, but also that there's a way to begin
1:27:54
nurturing and caring for her and providing is huge for him.
1:27:57
And as he does that, he begins to really experience that love
1:28:00
and warmth and peace. Avoidant men want peace more
1:28:02
than anybody does. This would be an like if you
1:28:06
have that avoidant husband, people are listening or you
1:28:09
suspect the person you're dating is a is an avoidant.
1:28:11
Sounds like the the first principle is have the specific
1:28:15
request from them that you're making about what your needs
1:28:18
are. Give them the opportunity to
1:28:20
respond. What would what would be another
1:28:22
one? Be measurable.
1:28:24
Use numbers right? My wife and I use a one to 10
1:28:27
scale. How important.
1:28:28
Are you an avoidant? You know, I grew up with mostly
1:28:32
anxious traits when I've discovered during the process is
1:28:34
that I was actually disorganized.
1:28:35
I have some avoidant traits as well for a variety of reasons,
1:28:38
so I do have some avoidant traits.
1:28:39
But does this work for both both anxious attachment folks and
1:28:43
avoidant? It does.
1:28:44
And here's what's fascinating is you can change your attachment
1:28:46
style. So I've become secure through
1:28:48
the work I've done. And that's what I try to teach
1:28:50
people is you don't stay avoidant or anxious forever.
1:28:53
Your brain actually, through neuroplasticity can change and
1:28:55
become more secure over time, but you have to get those
1:28:57
bonding chemicals appropriately. So, yeah, I teach couples how to
1:29:00
be secure together. It's not how to cater to him
1:29:03
forever. So use more numbers, be more
1:29:06
exact, be more explicit. And then when she asks him, what
1:29:09
can I do for you, he'll say, I have no idea.
1:29:11
No one's ever done anything for me.
1:29:12
You can do nothing for me. Women hate this, right?
1:29:15
So what? What does she do when he says
1:29:16
that? I tell them build a menu.
1:29:19
And just have them pick pick the the least worst thing or the
1:29:22
thing that because he this is if we're talking about the avoidant
1:29:25
guy still you you said he's blocked the oxytocin receptors
1:29:28
like he can't he can't feel. So how does she get him to feel?
1:29:32
Let me paint this picture for you.
1:29:34
An avoidant man has the emotional equivalent in his
1:29:36
lifetime of eating nothing but gas station hot dogs.
1:29:40
That's all he thinks meat is in the entire world is eating gas
1:29:43
station hot dogs. That's his emotional intimacy
1:29:45
level. So when you connect in a
1:29:47
relationship, he understands dopamine.
1:29:51
Gas station hot dogs. You as a wife want to nurture
1:29:54
him and feed him. You care for him.
1:29:56
You want steak, you want potatoes, broccoli, everything.
1:29:59
The whole meal he's emaciated and nutritionally deficient
1:30:03
standing there eating a gas station hot dog and you find him
1:30:06
and decide to adopt him. Now you bring him into your
1:30:09
steakhouse and say I am serving you a buffet of everything I
1:30:14
bring. Let me keep bringing you food.
1:30:17
And at the end of it, you know, we'll talk about what you need
1:30:20
and we'll talk about everything. Let me serve you a giant 40 oz
1:30:23
tomahawk steak. And he's standing there in the
1:30:25
doorway saying, I don't think I like steak.
1:30:28
Do you have hot dogs? And you say, no, I have steak.
1:30:31
It's cooked in butter. I have all the And he shows,
1:30:33
well, I don't know what that is. He has no idea what you're
1:30:37
offering. So he throws it away to go back
1:30:38
to the gas station or you get him into your restaurant.
1:30:42
And here's what a lot of women do.
1:30:43
And you start throwing plate after plate of food in front of
1:30:46
him that he doesn't know what it is, but it looks expensive and
1:30:51
he has no idea what they are or how they taste or how to pay for
1:30:55
it. And he's afraid you're about to
1:30:56
charge him $10,000 at the end of this meal.
1:30:59
But you're not going to tell him.
1:31:01
And a lot of anxious women won't tell him what they want in
1:31:03
return. They are people pleasing and
1:31:05
they hope he'll figure out how to serve her.
1:31:08
If you build the menu and say hello, Sir, if you want the
1:31:11
girlfriend experience, this is what you get on that and here
1:31:14
are the prices. However, if you would like these
1:31:16
options, this is the wife upgrade.
1:31:18
Would you like the wife upgrade today?
1:31:20
It comes with sex and love and lifelong devotion and children,
1:31:24
all of these things. And here's the price of that
1:31:26
subscription, by the way, it's very low and easy.
1:31:29
Here's what I will be offering. Here's what I will need from you
1:31:31
in return. Can we do this?
1:31:34
Suddenly he understands it and he knows the investment.
1:31:38
This is what women need to be doing.
1:31:40
But women are afraid to do this. They're afraid they offer
1:31:42
nothing, or they think that there needs to be a magical
1:31:45
emotional experience where he chooses her and understands her
1:31:49
needs and reads her mind and that makes her feel loved and
1:31:52
avoidant. Men will never, ever, ever, ever
1:31:54
be able to do that. So what do you do if you're a
1:31:58
woman and you're either married to an avoidant, or you might be
1:32:00
dating one, but you love you love the guy you want to
1:32:03
explore? Go to him as if you are having a
1:32:04
business. So you do the menu.
1:32:06
Yep, you go to him as if you have a biggest business meeting.
1:32:08
You knock on the CE OS door and say hello Sir, I'm the COO and
1:32:11
I've detected that there's a massive issue in our company.
1:32:14
It is red. To be honest with you, it's code
1:32:17
red. This will lead to failure
1:32:19
eventually. We're not there yet, but I have
1:32:21
a plan for us to turn this around.
1:32:23
Here are some features, this emotional connection.
1:32:25
I know you don't understand this, and that's totally fine.
1:32:28
I'm not angry at you. I want you to know I have been
1:32:30
in the past. I am not anymore.
1:32:31
I am not. I've come to understand a lot
1:32:34
more about you and to appreciate the sacrifices you make for our
1:32:37
family in ways that I've never understood before.
1:32:40
And I think I understand how you love me better.
1:32:43
That said, I think there's a lot of missed opportunities that we
1:32:46
can turn around right now. And here's these things that I
1:32:49
would love to provide for you. There is the 17 menu item list
1:32:54
that I want to give to you that you've never known I can give
1:32:58
you. And.
1:32:58
What are some examples of that? Peace.
1:33:02
Emotional. Connection.
1:33:03
I'm going to take care of myself and stop being such a disaster
1:33:05
myself. It is when you come home.
1:33:08
Would you like me to give you some rest so you can rest for 10
1:33:11
minutes before I bring you the emotional discussions of the
1:33:13
day? Would you like to just be able
1:33:16
to calm down in my presence and I'm not emotionally fluttering
1:33:18
trying to figure out what to do? Would you like to be able to
1:33:21
share concepts with me and bounce ideas off of me and I'm
1:33:24
helpful and productive in return?
1:33:27
Would you like to be able to make decisions together in a non
1:33:29
emotional way? Would you like to be able to
1:33:31
sleep better at night, Sir? Would you like to not die at 45
1:33:35
or 50 from heart explosion right or from cancer?
1:33:40
Would you like your testosterone rates to go up, Sir?
1:33:42
Would you like your immune system to function better?
1:33:45
Would you like to have lower incidences of diabetes or
1:33:48
stroke? Would you like for your human
1:33:50
growth hormone to increase so your muscles increase and your
1:33:53
wound healing increases? Would you like an additional 15
1:33:57
years of life expectancy with higher quality of life the
1:34:00
entire time? Would you like a Co creator of
1:34:03
legacy who will outlive you by 10 years and then as you die I
1:34:06
am the bridge between you and the next generation to hand off
1:34:09
your legacy successfully. Sir, Would you like me to be
1:34:12
devoted to you my entire life and joyful and smiling so that
1:34:16
when you are in my presence your nervous system can rest?
1:34:19
Would you like me to be this for you Sir?
1:34:21
This is the wife model. In return I need this much from
1:34:25
you. These are my emotional needs
1:34:27
that I have that you've never understood and I thought you
1:34:30
didn't care but now I understand you've never felt them yourself.
1:34:33
Can you do these measurable things for me and I will provide
1:34:37
you with these things I have described here today.
1:34:39
This is building the menu for him.
1:34:41
Ladies was recorded play that back eight times.
1:34:43
I was very good. Right, this is what you provide
1:34:45
as a menu. And now he says I am in chronic
1:34:49
pain. I don't sleep at night, I'm
1:34:51
always suffering. I'm angry, I'm scared, I hate my
1:34:54
life. I feel alone.
1:34:56
I want that legacy you're describing.
1:34:57
I I don't want to die of cancer at 50.
1:35:00
I want to live until I'm 70 and have great quality of life.
1:35:03
I would love to finally not be in pain.
1:35:06
Are you telling me that's possible?
1:35:07
Because I don't believe that. I've never seen it.
1:35:10
But it's not possible because of some superhuman acts she does.
1:35:13
You're saying it's possible just by her being her?
1:35:15
It is only. The power of the male female
1:35:18
complementary relationship that got designed.
1:35:21
And cannot do this on our own. We cannot.
1:35:24
We die without this. We wither and die.
1:35:27
We are designed to be workhorses, but we're designed
1:35:30
for a purpose. Like I said, our purpose is to
1:35:32
provide safety for everything else around us, our family, our
1:35:36
friends, everyone. But we cannot do that When we
1:35:39
die at 45, a woman maintains us until we're 85 so that we can be
1:35:44
that forever. That's a gift that a woman
1:35:46
brings. I love the beautiful picture
1:35:51
that you're ultimately painting of what marriage is right.
1:35:54
That's what it is and why why it's good.
1:35:56
And then giving a very clear delineation of the role that a
1:35:59
woman can play. That doesn't suppress her, that
1:36:02
doesn't make her have to walk on egg shells, that doesn't make
1:36:06
her have to it really. And and, and getting into her
1:36:08
feminine is part of this, of course.
1:36:10
Like what does that mean to get into her feminine?
1:36:12
I want to connect all of this back to what you were talking
1:36:15
about earlier, dating versus courtship and why it's important
1:36:20
in like, what are the things that we're doing wrong there?
1:36:22
Like what are those differences? And he's like, this is what why
1:36:25
dating is bad. You've mentioned hookup culture
1:36:27
a few times. I'm just going to throw out a
1:36:28
wild guess that jumping into bed with a guy that you're not
1:36:31
married to, who hasn't like decided to be this guy for you
1:36:35
and you've done the menu list and you guys have checked the
1:36:38
boxes together and you're like, yes, we're doing this.
1:36:40
You have that safety built. Like that's probably a recipe
1:36:42
for disaster. Separate from any morality
1:36:44
question, separate from any religious questions.
1:36:48
Again, that's a very big topic I'm opening up here.
1:36:50
But can you talk to me about dating versus courtship and why
1:36:56
sex, like the impact of sex before all this work has been
1:37:00
done and there's this lifelong public commitment of marriage on
1:37:03
a relationship and how how that can impact the relationship?
1:37:06
If you're having sex with a man on the first date, the signal
1:37:08
that you're sending is that you have nothing else to offer.
1:37:11
The signal you're sending is that you expect to be in a
1:37:13
dopamine saturated relationship where you are going to be
1:37:15
competing with other women and pornography and video games.
1:37:18
So you have to give him that interesting thing straight up
1:37:21
front and then you set up a dynamic where you have to keep
1:37:24
performing forever. Most men don't want this.
1:37:27
Most men are actually turned off by a woman doing that.
1:37:29
Now many men will still have sex with them because he's still
1:37:32
looking for dopamine insecurely attached men.
1:37:35
But he will not usually form a long term really trusting
1:37:39
intimate relationship with you. And the men who will will be
1:37:42
turned off and will say no thank you.
1:37:44
So no, sex should be the culmination of the relationship.
1:37:48
That's what it's meant to be. It's not meant to be.
1:37:50
Let's learn each other through sex.
1:37:53
It's let's learn about each other, make a full commitment
1:37:55
and then have sex. And we call that marriage.
1:37:59
The problem is that people today are waiting five years of
1:38:01
engagement to get married. And that's not what marriage is
1:38:03
supposed to be either. Marriage can take place within
1:38:05
one year of meeting each other. Why do you think, why are people
1:38:09
doing that? They're afraid.
1:38:10
They don't think marriage is worthwhile.
1:38:12
They don't think they also anything.
1:38:13
They're afraid of other people banning them or hurting them.
1:38:15
It's I am terrified to make a commitment that I don't
1:38:18
understand and will never get my needs met, so I have to perform
1:38:20
for other people all the time. No one wants what modern
1:38:23
marriage has turned into, but if you do things appropriately and
1:38:26
you're actually courting appropriately, you can get this
1:38:28
done in less than a year and have a successful, thriving
1:38:30
marriage for 50 years. And you said you give like,
1:38:34
sleeping out, like, you know, sex on the first date.
1:38:36
This is head of dopamine. But how does it impact oxytocin?
1:38:40
Because women experience oxytocin from sex and they get
1:38:44
very attached to guys early on that they're maybe not the right
1:38:47
guy to marry now. So here's the problem is women
1:38:49
who have sex on the first date often have anxious attachment
1:38:52
style or disorganized style with anxious tendencies.
1:38:55
Anxious attachment style is addicted to oxytocin as a sense
1:38:58
of safety. It's the child who was crying in
1:39:00
the crib that wouldn't get picked up, right?
1:39:02
And now her brain associates oxytocin with someone adopted me
1:39:06
and makes me feel safe. I need to please them.
1:39:09
So when she finally gets attention, she's flooded with
1:39:11
oxytocin just because he's giving her attention.
1:39:14
And she thinks that men bond the way she does.
1:39:16
So he she imagines he is feeling as bonded to her as she is
1:39:20
feeling to him. So even if she doesn't climax
1:39:22
and get oxytocin that way, she's flooding with oxy through
1:39:25
validation. We call this intermittent
1:39:27
reinforcement. It creates gambling addiction.
1:39:30
And validation, meaning the cuddling and the physical
1:39:32
closeness are just the the. Having sex with me, he thinks.
1:39:35
He loves me, he loves I'm attractive, I'm alluring.
1:39:37
I'm interesting enough for him to spend time with.
1:39:40
He looked at me. So those thoughts can trigger
1:39:43
oxytocin. The feeling of it triggers
1:39:45
oxytocin. Feeling of thoughts of the
1:39:46
after. Effect.
1:39:48
The feeling of being wanted, triggering of being.
1:39:50
Wanted of being useful, of of doing something he needs, right?
1:39:55
I did something he needs. Now I'm safe because he needs
1:39:58
me. And he'll keep me around because
1:40:00
I'm useful. And then she feels overwhelming
1:40:03
and flooded with it, right? And unfortunately, this is not
1:40:09
the basis of a healthy relationship.
1:40:11
Relationships are not based on feelings.
1:40:13
So if we're throwing dating and hook up culture out and I don't
1:40:16
want to necessarily link them because I think, you know, my
1:40:18
sense is you can have healthy dating, but I think you would
1:40:21
prefer courtship. What is the difference?
1:40:23
What is the right way to, you know, discover you should marry
1:40:27
someone? This might make a lot of this
1:40:29
might make a lot of women at home feel comfortable.
1:40:30
Right now there's a big massive survey conducted across women in
1:40:35
America about what kind of sex they prefer committed, loving,
1:40:39
safe, intimate sex in a committed relationship at least,
1:40:42
or marriage or casual sex. 98% of women overwhelmingly said
1:40:48
only committed sex. This is what I want. 2% of
1:40:51
women, 2% of women. I said, well, yes, I I like the
1:40:54
casual sex and interestingly, avoidantly attached women, we
1:40:57
usually trend in that direction. They prefer that there's a
1:41:00
whole, there's a whole other conversation for another day.
1:41:02
Women want emotional safety, commitment, and connection
1:41:06
because it opens oxytocin to even allow it to be a
1:41:08
pleasurable experience. They need that now.
1:41:14
You have to build that safety inside a confined relationship.
1:41:18
It's it's not that you'll never experience any pleasure outside
1:41:21
of it, but the depths of it, the connection, the safety, the
1:41:23
fulfillment, the bonding, the intimacy, all the things that a
1:41:26
woman's designed to detect and feel and thrive in, you won't
1:41:30
get in casual sex. Women are dating to find a
1:41:33
husband. Women are on dating apps to find
1:41:36
a husband. Women want husbands.
1:41:39
Women don't want boyfriends, Not really so.
1:41:45
And men would want wives if they knew what the menu was.
1:41:47
Men overwhelmingly want wives, but men don't believe that wives
1:41:50
will care for them or or care or help them anymore.
1:41:53
And most men have grown up pleasing their mother, who was
1:41:56
emotionally unstable. So he thinks that's marriage as
1:41:59
well. And most men are terrified of
1:42:01
being trapped in her marriage where they have to emotionally
1:42:04
and physically perform for the woman and they don't know how to
1:42:06
do it. So they just please her.
1:42:09
And then it doesn't work because women don't want that.
1:42:11
And then he feels trapped too. As much as we're talking about
1:42:13
how unhappy women are, men are equally unhappy.
1:42:16
Everybody's unhappy. There's no villain in this
1:42:18
story, not really. There's a lot of people who are
1:42:21
emotionally starved and who are scared and who don't know what
1:42:24
to do. That's, that is why I gave up my
1:42:27
career in therapy. It's why I gave up my license.
1:42:30
That's why I've made this my personal well, that's why I've
1:42:33
made this my personal crusade. I think it was given to me by
1:42:35
God to have to do this because I can't.
1:42:37
I can't not. So we have to teach people this
1:42:40
just so they begin understanding.
1:42:42
When we finally understand all women really have to do all
1:42:44
these steps we've laid out. All they really have to do is go
1:42:47
their husband and say, neither one of us is happy, but let's
1:42:50
not give up. Let's actually have some
1:42:52
conversations about what we think and then let's search for
1:42:55
answers together. And if they can just do that and
1:42:57
if the husband is good enough that he says, you know what,
1:43:00
that sounds good. We're not happy.
1:43:01
Let's not blame each other. I don't know what the solutions
1:43:04
are. Where will we find them?
1:43:05
And then they go search for them together and learn.
1:43:08
That's all that's really needed. Now there's there's a wealth of
1:43:11
things out there to do. I've got tons of resources.
1:43:13
A lot of people do, but if you can just approach it from a
1:43:17
curious angle and work together, there's vasopressin, by the way.
1:43:21
And as you begin building vasopressin and solving little
1:43:23
problems together, it snowballs. So you trust each other and now
1:43:27
the oxytocin pipeline begins because now you feel safe with
1:43:30
each other because you can have those conversations.
1:43:32
Now you have a little oxytocin and some vasopressin, which
1:43:34
compounds upon itself as you begin solving problems and then
1:43:37
feeling closer and cuddling and kissing more and touching and
1:43:41
laughing. And then the bedroom becomes a
1:43:43
safe, playful experience. That's culmination of the safety
1:43:46
you both feel, and as you thrive in that, there's your happy
1:43:50
marriage. So you have better sex when you
1:43:52
problem solve with your spouse. You must problem solve if you
1:43:55
want to be monogamously connected for the rest of your
1:43:58
life. And good marriages are based on
1:44:00
a combination of vasopressin and oxytocin.
1:44:03
The idea that we can solve any really problem in a relationship
1:44:09
if two people are willing to work at it.
1:44:11
I think some people largely agree with that idea, but I
1:44:14
think there's something else that you're speaking to, which
1:44:16
is that there's a vision. Even if they can't fully or
1:44:20
picture it, there's a sense of weak, it can be better.
1:44:23
There's hope. I mean, there's hope is the word
1:44:26
and I think a lot of people give up hope like he's not going to
1:44:29
change. She's not going to change.
1:44:31
It's going to be this way. It's going to be the way our
1:44:32
parents marriage was. It's always going to fail.
1:44:35
And that goes back to the vision of God, which we talked back at
1:44:38
the very beginning. You know, the the mother is the
1:44:41
first other to the child. She's basically the God figure.
1:44:43
The father becomes the God figure.
1:44:45
And if we weren't taught and you talk about your childhood, you
1:44:47
were not taught. You were raised.
1:44:49
You said, I think fundamentalist Christian home where God, you
1:44:51
know, sinners in the hand of an anger got like you are a worm.
1:44:53
You aren't worth nothing. God only loves you because of
1:44:55
God love loves you. You, you yourself are trash,
1:44:59
right? Then you don't have hope that I
1:45:02
mean, what is the hope? It's like, it's like, it's sort
1:45:05
of like this immaterial hope almost that does not connect to
1:45:07
me as a person. I'm not a person anymore because
1:45:10
I'm not good and. That's the culture we live in
1:45:13
right now. And that's the culture we're
1:45:14
living in. So it has to go back to a vision
1:45:17
of also God, like there is a God who loves you, who created you
1:45:20
for love, good in his image. That that at the that is the
1:45:23
foundation foundational foundation philosophical
1:45:27
principle here that we're I think we're kind of talking on
1:45:31
top of but OK, so but but dating versus courtship.
1:45:35
So for that woman or man listening, what is courtship
1:45:37
then? Is it?
1:45:39
Courtship is much more intentional dating if we
1:45:44
describe it that way. So I can still use the word
1:45:46
dating. Intentional dating is what we.
1:45:49
Would call it that. Courtship and intentional dating
1:45:51
are much the same. I am looking for a husband.
1:45:54
You might be that man. I would love first to have some
1:45:56
incredible conversations. Let's always be honest with each
1:45:59
other Let's ask about green flags and red flags and yellow
1:46:02
flags let's resolve issues let's talk about our life future and
1:46:06
our vision that we have let's talk about ethics.
1:46:08
Let's push on problems, and when we see little problems, let's
1:46:11
solve them together right off the bat.
1:46:13
When you're late to something, let's talk about it.
1:46:15
When I'm not doing what I should be doing, let's talk about it.
1:46:17
When you're curious about something or confused, let's
1:46:20
talk about the confusion. Let's talk about the fear.
1:46:22
If I feel insecure about something I feel like I have to
1:46:25
perform, can I stop and ask you what your expectations are
1:46:28
instead of imagining it? When I want you to do something
1:46:31
for me, is it OK if I stop and ask you to do it for me and ask
1:46:34
you what you might need in return?
1:46:35
When you are needing time away from me to breathe, can you let
1:46:39
me know that you just need time to breathe?
1:46:41
I can do that. I can give you that.
1:46:43
It's building that structure and where everything is
1:46:45
overwhelmingly explicit. And this sounds exhausting and
1:46:49
terrifying to people with attachment issues, but for
1:46:51
securely attached people, this is refreshing because
1:46:53
everything's on the table. There's no guessing, there's no
1:46:56
worrying, and now you can have fun because your nervous system
1:46:59
relaxes enough for fun. And it's the questions of where
1:47:03
are we going? Like where do I feel I want to
1:47:05
go and you want to go and are those things aligned right?
1:47:07
This should be exciting. Essential.
1:47:09
They should be. These shouldn't be miserable
1:47:10
conversations. They should be exciting
1:47:12
conversations for both of you. A man who knows where he's going
1:47:16
should be excited to tell you where he's going.
1:47:18
A man who wants to be married should tell you what marriage
1:47:21
looks like. A man who is excited to be a
1:47:23
father and a husband should tell you why he's excited to be a
1:47:26
father and a husband. Not miserable and distracted and
1:47:30
and angry or scared. He should be excited.
1:47:33
And those are the men women want to find.
1:47:35
And you will only signal to those men by doing the same
1:47:38
yourself. If you don't do this, then those
1:47:40
securely attached men will assume you don't want marriage
1:47:44
and they will leave to find a woman who communicates
1:47:46
explicitly and directly and has a clear vision of what she
1:47:49
wants. When you're trying to hire ACOO
1:47:51
for your corporation as the CEO, you don't hire a woman who acts
1:47:55
like a greeter at the front door.
1:47:57
You hire a woman who acts like a COO.
1:48:00
So good, that makes so much sense.
1:48:02
I'm thinking about what you said earlier, all the men who are
1:48:05
really struggling right now because we've just beat down men
1:48:09
in so many ways and and and we beat down women too in a
1:48:12
different way. But it's just the culture chaos,
1:48:14
the broken family systems. I mean, the sexual revolution.
1:48:17
It's just this devolution and you look at all the social data
1:48:21
that shows you the mental health, the suicidality, all of
1:48:25
the addictions like adult is shows up there.
1:48:28
What have you found is most helpful for men that women can
1:48:33
do? Let's do in dating because I'm
1:48:35
sure there's marriage, but in dating, is it just being that
1:48:37
straight shooter communicator? You know, I look in, I look at
1:48:41
our ancient stories, look at the Bible as a great example of true
1:48:45
stories, but also sagas that have been handed down, right?
1:48:48
The story Gilgamesh, everything Beowulf.
1:48:51
We look at the sagas and what is the role of good women in sagas
1:48:56
and in ancient stories? The role of the feminine is to
1:48:59
detect a problem and call the masculine to a quest.
1:49:03
There's a dragon in my Kingdom. I need you to go kill that
1:49:06
dragon. Once you kill that dragon, we
1:49:08
can live in peace and connection and I will marry you.
1:49:11
But you have to kill that dragon first.
1:49:13
Can you go do that for me, Sir? And he shows up and says yes I
1:49:16
will. He might ask about it, what
1:49:18
color it is, what kind of fire it breathes, but he will go kill
1:49:21
the dragon and now the woman. Isn't the reward the life they
1:49:25
will build together as the reward?
1:49:28
Women's role is to call men on to quests.
1:49:31
Some men will fail. Masculinity is not kind.
1:49:36
It is a grindstone that men have to push against and be shaped
1:49:39
by. Some will fail, some are
1:49:42
cowards, but the good men that form good fathers and good
1:49:46
husbands, good patriarchs, we can even say, are men who rise
1:49:50
to that quest, kill the Dragons, and are always ready to kill
1:49:54
another one. But when they come home, they're
1:49:56
at peace. They don't constantly fight
1:49:58
people at home either. The man has to be both.
1:50:00
The woman's job is to find the Dragons and call him to kill
1:50:03
them. So call him on his quest.
1:50:06
And for the men who feel like I'm failing, I can't, I'm not
1:50:10
or, or the women that no men that are just in sort of the
1:50:13
downward spiral. Well, here's what's amazing and
1:50:16
all those sagas and stories, it's it's not in the oldest
1:50:19
ones. It's not men going on their own
1:50:21
to kill it a monster or a dragon, right?
1:50:23
Bale in Beowulf, he had a very dear friend that went with him.
1:50:27
And Gilgamesh he had in Kedu, by the way, even King David had
1:50:31
Jonathan. Right.
1:50:33
Men gather other men for solutions, for backup, for help.
1:50:38
What did our ancient ancestors do?
1:50:39
All right. Well, they were hunters with
1:50:41
sharp sticks, and they went out with their dearest brothers, and
1:50:44
they would go hunt something horrible and dangerous and then
1:50:46
drag its meat back to the camp. That's what men are designed to
1:50:49
do. Men are designed to link up with
1:50:51
other men. And men have never been more
1:50:53
separated from each other than we are today.
1:50:55
Such a good point. It is horrifying.
1:50:58
They find friends, they need friends.
1:51:00
Male friendship is is the is essential.
1:51:02
One of the best questions a woman can ask a man is do you
1:51:05
see this problem in front of us and do you want to solve it?
1:51:09
And who will you be talking to about solving that?
1:51:14
Point him at other men. And what if he has like, I don't
1:51:17
know, I I don't have other men I can.
1:51:19
Talk to them together. But he needs to.
1:51:22
The man who gives up and says I'll just do it myself.
1:51:24
No, it's not a problem. No, it's unsolvable.
1:51:27
That's a man who's failing the test of manhood.
1:51:29
Some will fail, but the job of a woman is not to convince a man
1:51:34
to be a man. Women can't create men.
1:51:36
Women can create boys, but they can't create men.
1:51:39
Men have to choose to be men, and that's part of that test of
1:51:42
masculinity. He has to choose to go out, find
1:51:45
a mentor, find a brother, find a friend, connect with them.
1:51:49
And men have to know this. And that's something else I
1:51:51
teach to men on the side. I teach those men to do that
1:51:55
because men can't thrive without each other.
1:51:56
The Bible says as steel sharpens steel, so one man sharpens
1:51:59
another. It gives us clear examples.
1:52:01
Christ had 12 disciples, right? And, and he did that so that
1:52:04
they would have each other. Men are not men.
1:52:06
He didn't have one disciple. He didn't have 12 isolated
1:52:09
disciples that didn't know each other.
1:52:10
He created 12 brothers and forced them to be brothers even
1:52:13
if they hated each other sometimes, and he made them lean
1:52:16
on each other and that's what men are supposed to do.
1:52:18
It's so good and, and so it's I think too rare today, but it's
1:52:24
beautiful to know that if that's the vision, it can be achieved
1:52:27
if you if you hunt for, if you look for it.
1:52:29
I have a few other minor questions.
1:52:31
There's so much more to talk about here, Adam.
1:52:33
So we've got to have you back on so many areas to explore and
1:52:36
your work, your body work, I know is constantly growing and
1:52:38
there's so much there that's serving people.
1:52:41
A couple other minor questions about sexual partners or having
1:52:47
sex with someone that you're not, you know, safe with, you're
1:52:50
not committed to for life. This is not your lifelong
1:52:52
project. This is just somebody that you
1:52:55
have a one night stand with or you're in a relationship that
1:52:57
your boyfriend and girlfriend, but you're not like sure if
1:52:59
you're going to stick it out with them.
1:53:01
What is the impact of having this sort of a sexual
1:53:07
relationship with someone on your attachment system where
1:53:10
you're not, you're having sex, but you don't have this lifelong
1:53:15
commitment and safety with them? If a woman's having sex with a
1:53:18
man she doesn't feel safe to and isn't committed to, and he's not
1:53:20
committed to her, she's setting herself up for emotional
1:53:22
devastation. If she has children with him,
1:53:25
she's setting them up for generations of broken attachment
1:53:28
and misery and unhappiness. This is not to condemn women who
1:53:31
are doing this, because most women are doing it because they
1:53:32
think they have to. But women who are doing that are
1:53:36
only setting themself and everyone they love up for
1:53:39
heartbreak. A woman is not supposed to do
1:53:41
that. A woman is supposed to be the
1:53:43
sexual gatekeeper of reproduction.
1:53:45
But she's also designed to show men when they are being
1:53:48
appropriate and when they are not.
1:53:50
Most women are sending signals to men saying you're being
1:53:52
appropriate. I will reward you with sex
1:53:55
instead of saying you are not being appropriate, but here's
1:53:57
how I need you to be instead. Most women are afraid to give
1:54:00
direction to men, and they're afraid to ask anything of men.
1:54:04
Women need to ask more of men, but they need to explain what
1:54:07
they need and men need to have more resources to be able to
1:54:10
meet those needs. And for women who are listening,
1:54:13
you're like, well, I made a mistake.
1:54:14
I already I'm already pregnant with the baby.
1:54:17
I'm a single mom, you know, and, and and we're obviously very
1:54:20
pro-life for people, I think sometimes justify abortion
1:54:22
because they say, I don't have this family system that's
1:54:25
healthy to raise this child. And so it's better that the
1:54:27
child dies. What would you say to them?
1:54:31
I don't think it's our decision to decide which humans need to
1:54:34
live and die. I think that every life is
1:54:37
precious. I certainly don't have that
1:54:39
right to make that decision over anybody else.
1:54:42
I wouldn't want that decision made over me.
1:54:45
Some people argue and say that women have the right to do that.
1:54:50
I don't think anyone human being has the decision power to kill
1:54:53
another human being. I think that most women who have
1:54:58
abortions don't want to have them, and the research backs
1:55:01
that up. Most of them are afraid they're
1:55:03
alone. They are pressured into it by
1:55:05
the man who's more avoidant, but most of them are convinced they
1:55:09
live in a world where no one will ever love them or their
1:55:11
child, and the child will die anyway.
1:55:14
There are a few women with personality disorders certainly
1:55:17
revel in it, and men with personality disorders who push
1:55:19
it, but these are outside extremes.
1:55:24
Most people are just afraid. We don't need to build a system
1:55:29
where the government takes care of women or children either,
1:55:31
because it's not the government's job.
1:55:32
We need our families back. We need communities of kith and
1:55:35
kin back. If we can't build families now,
1:55:38
we need pseudo families. We need people adopting each
1:55:41
other. Adult adoption needs to come
1:55:43
back. Family bonding needs to come
1:55:46
back. All of this needs to come back.
1:55:48
Marriage needs to come back. The problems that we are
1:55:51
struggling so hard against with government and pharmaceutical
1:55:54
solutions are artificial problems that we should be
1:55:56
solving through families. And we're not yet, but we can
1:56:00
be. And it starts with each person,
1:56:03
right doing their own understanding of their own
1:56:05
attachment and, and, and securely being attached to God.
1:56:08
I think knowing that God loves you unconditionally and he has a
1:56:11
plan for your life, like that belief is so important.
1:56:14
And then letting that impact your relationships like you were
1:56:16
describing, like you can have the boundaries, you can show up
1:56:18
with what your needs are. And that is the first step of
1:56:21
healing to the whole broken system that we're in.
1:56:24
You know what's so fascinating is there's two separate
1:56:27
communities that are invisible to each other.
1:56:29
Everybody is talking about the insecurely attached community of
1:56:32
65% of people who have these problems.
1:56:34
No one's talking about the invisible, gated, securely
1:56:38
attached communities of people who are thriving in good
1:56:40
families who have made these decisions.
1:56:42
They're barely on the Internet, they don't complain, they don't
1:56:45
go online and make weird tik Toks.
1:56:47
They're not hardly visible to anyone.
1:56:48
They are happy in their family and friend networks, and they
1:56:51
date in their family and friend networks.
1:56:53
And they don't allow you in unless you have secure
1:56:55
attachment. And they are emotionally
1:56:58
segregated out from the insecurely attached groups.
1:57:01
When you become securely attached, it's fascinating.
1:57:03
You go through the strange period where you are utterly
1:57:06
alone because no one in the insecure connections communities
1:57:09
will bond with you and you can't bond with them.
1:57:12
But suddenly you begin seeing the invisible, boring, securely
1:57:15
attached people in your life that you thought were just
1:57:17
passing by. And that aren't on TikTok.
1:57:19
That aren't on TikTok. And suddenly you start talking
1:57:22
about desires, goals, plans, boundaries, visions.
1:57:25
And then they become excited and these people you thought were
1:57:28
boring and shut down come to life because they are safe and
1:57:32
you are safe. And they bring you slowly into
1:57:35
their segregated, securely attached world where there's 35%
1:57:39
of people living there. It's a whole other experience
1:57:41
that people can't even imagine. And that's where you find and
1:57:44
the men you want to marry. That's where your children find
1:57:46
spouses. That's where everybody is
1:57:48
thriving in good faith, in connection, in honesty and in
1:57:52
love. It's not a utopia.
1:57:53
It is people being honest and explicit and commutative and
1:57:58
safe. It's a different world that is
1:58:00
invisible to everybody who's watching the show right now.
1:58:03
I know what you're talking about because I'm privileged to be a
1:58:06
part of one. Thanks be to God, again by God's
1:58:08
grace. And then when that person goes
1:58:11
through this work and discovers, you know, as you said it, this
1:58:14
ordered attachment style, but they become that 35.001% and
1:58:18
then we add one more person back in and it's possible for
1:58:21
everyone. I think that's the core of your
1:58:22
message, right? And there's nobody too far gone.
1:58:25
And it's 1 little step at a time.
1:58:27
Yeah, I don't remember anyone going to Christ in the Gospels.
1:58:29
And he was like, you know, sorry, this is beyond my power
1:58:31
to fix. You're going to have to go live
1:58:33
over there. No, everything, everything is
1:58:36
fixable. If a person has a heart that
1:58:37
desires to be fixed, it begins with telling the truth.
1:58:41
Like I decided way back when I was 20, it begins with telling
1:58:44
the truth. It begins with having enough.
1:58:46
It begins with not anger, but honesty.
1:58:49
It begins with curiosity about other people and about yourself.
1:58:52
It begins not by saying I'm going to have a good marriage,
1:58:55
but saying I'm going to have a securely attached marriage and
1:58:58
then understanding what that means with measurable targets
1:59:00
and goals and working with your spouse.
1:59:02
Instead of saying let's be good, let's be secure.
1:59:04
And then practicing that. It begins by building secure
1:59:07
relationships that then transform you into a secure
1:59:10
person. That's how we change over time.
1:59:12
The love that we experience changes who we are.
1:59:16
That's how it must be. We are relational beings.
1:59:19
We are stamped for that and we only thrive in that.
1:59:23
I love it. Thank you for your work, Adam.
1:59:25
It's very beautiful. And I love your quest to make a
1:59:27
billion people securely attached.
1:59:29
Let's go for all 8 billion or whatever the number is now.
1:59:32
Thank you for the chance to share this with the world.
1:59:34
People need to hear this awesome stuff.
1:59:36
Thank you. Where can people find your work?
1:59:38
Yeah, so I am Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist.
1:59:40
I have my website, adamlanesmith.com.
1:59:43
I do have the How to Build a Secure Marriage video course
1:59:45
available on there as long as well as me as my coaches on
1:59:48
there. We run the repair program on
1:59:50
there to fix your attachment as a couple or an individual.
1:59:53
I'm on YouTube and Instagram as attachment, Adam, as you might
1:59:56
imagine, I have a lot of free content there, a lot of guides,
1:59:59
a lot of explanations, and a lot of things you can share with
2:00:01
that man in your life to say I want to build this with you.
2:00:04
Are you ready? Amazing, thank you so much.
2:00:06
Thank you. Thanks so much for listening to
2:00:08
this episode of the Lila Rose Show.
2:00:10
I hope you found the conversation fascinating and
2:00:13
helpful. I know that I did.
2:00:14
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2:00:28
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