Latest / The Feel Good Club for Ambitious Moms of Neurodivergent Kids / Prioritizing Self Care and Sibling Closeness
Transcript
- ROCKY: You have to just have faith that things are going the way they're supposed to go. One of my mentors says that if someone can do something 80 % as well as you, you should delegate it. Done is better than perfect. That's what I tell myself. ⁓ you don't have time to sit still. You don't have time to sit still. Like you have to keep going. Welcome to the Feel Good Club podcast. This is the place where ambitious working moms learn how to elevate their wellbeing. increase success in all areas, and create a positive, aligned life. Whether you're here to hear expert interviews or inspiring talks, this is your space to learn and grow. I'm Tia Graham, keynote and TED speaker, best-selling author, and founder of the Feel Good Club Community for high-achieving moms. I am an expert in the science of happiness. This show is here to help you feel grounded, happier and connected to yourself and others. I know you are going to love it. Thank you for being here. Let's dive in. Hi, Natasha. Welcome to the show. Hi, Tia. Thank you for having me. I'm glad you're here and I'm excited to meet you in person. I want to start off by asking, how did your world your experience, your human experience shift when you became a mom? Because I know you have twins and you have another child as well, but can you think back to that time when it was that switch of becoming a mom and how did that change your experience, your identity? What was that like for you? I love that. So I am now a mom for 15 years. So I have to think back a little bit. ⁓ how that shifted was, I guess I was repaired mentally. a mom that felt like I was ready and I prepared myself in a way of thinking about the lifestyle that I wanted to live. That was what I put first. And for the most part, it did develop that way where I was introducing them to a life where I was sharing things with them rather than adapting and waiting for them to tell me what to do. And it worked out well for the most part as far as like... scheduling and learning all of the things on being a mom. ⁓ I took it day by day. have to say I didn't rush into anything. I didn't listen to all of the noise, which I think helps a lot of moms stay sane. being on the go, it was a little harder to juggle everything, especially when you're starting out with twins. But I figured it out and became extra strong, I think. ⁓ But yeah, becoming a mom, was a shift, a little more added to the schedule, a little less taken away. It's like the weird balance. Like you can't do certain things, but you have to do other things. So meeting in the middle did a lot of that. Okay, so it sounds like you were quite prepared and I would say like intentional and kind of planning. ⁓ And... You wrote, as we were communicating before scheduling this interview, about the connections in life, and I love everything that follows, connections with community, between being a mom, as well as yourself, right? Who you are without being a mom, being a wife, being potentially, you know, having siblings, friends. your connection with your parents, like being a daughter, and then you put also creator of life. So just right there, and people could add in more, it's a lot of different roles, and many, many working moms feel very time famished, very, time poor. And so ⁓ what specifically around all of these different connections and parts of life? Are you really passionate or do you think that's that, what do you think is really important? The most important thing, I think that this conversation that we're having is so timely because we just had that switch in time, right? Yeah. And we're talking about time and how we're handling that and all the people that want our attention, which takes up time. So ⁓ how do I manage and the things that I put first? I think We always say we should put ourselves first and that's the best advice anyone can give, but I think the only way we can put ourselves first is if we take time to be quiet and to listen to what we actually want. So I think that's the first thing. think a higher power, a being, reading, whatever that meditation, you know, the thing that helps you sit in silence to listen to what you want, we, that's what I put first. And then next comes the priority list on who needs what immediately. And if it's me, you know, like if it's a doctor's appointment, if I have things on the schedule first, then that's what I'm tackling. And then it goes down the list to everyone else because I do have, thankfully, a community of family and friends and things that need to get done in business and work and everything and this lifestyle that we live as women and moms. Well, I love to hear that you... prioritize yourself first. So many working moms don't, right? It's they, because of the demands of work and then the demands of house and kids that they aren't always first. So I'm sure that that practice and that ritual of being quiet and connecting and listening, I know I definitely struggled with this. Especially when my girls were younger, they're now 9-11, when they were younger and I had a really big corporate job and I was leading a team, ⁓ very sleep deprived, stressed, everything. I always made sure I exercised, but there were a lot of things that, know, ⁓ and I wasn't, I'm very honest, I was not slowing down enough to listen. It wasn't until I actually hired a coach that helped me. ⁓ that helped me slow down to listen to myself. So I love that you were doing that early on. ⁓ Something as I was researching for this interview and learning about you, something really, really caught my eye, especially because I have two girls. And so I think a lot about sibling dynamic. ⁓ What is, so you write about and talk about creating a sibling bonded lifestyle. What is this and how come it's so important? So I, because I have twin girls, they're now 15, I guess I started out with that dynamic of having two at the same time. So when you're a mom of a single ten, it's like, this is my one child, I'll nourish and do whatever I have to do for them. But having two, you're like, we have two different personalities, two different people, how do we handle this? And immediately when, and I'm pretty sure other moms of twins can contest this, when there are people who their opinions are separate them and make sure they have different identities and don't dress them up alike. And my background is in behavioral therapy and the biggest thing is connection. You're working with people who have a hard time communicating whether they have children without words. That's the one thing we want to do. We want to hear what they want. We want to nurture them. We want to connect with them. So I felt it was best to connect them rather than separate them. And that... that's what developed into like a blog to speak on all the key points on that and then children's books because children need to see things that represent them and stories that tell that story of sibling bonding rather than separation because there's so many other things in the world that are probably going to tear them apart. And I think starting at home with the connection is priority. So that's the message that I, you know, I really love to push through. Yeah, and it's really, ⁓ really important. ⁓ So if there is a working mom listening who feels that their children aren't as bonded and connected as they would like. Now, of course, there are sibling dynamics and whether you have twins or different genders and age and, you know, there's so many, every family is unique, of course, all the kids are unique, et cetera. But for a working mom listening thinking, would like my kids to be more bonded. I would like them to be more connected. And I would like to have this really be integrated into our life and create this kind of lifestyle. What would you recommend to her? ⁓ I'll give a real situation because not every day is wonderful. There are days we're talking about two teen girls. Right, not every day. Yeah, like there are moments when someone went into someone else's closet and didn't ask, right? That's natural, right? I'm pretty sure all sisters can say that the same. But for the most part, I think just finding things that they have in common and embracing the loud chaos, which is what I did in the beginning. And... Okay, so let me pause you. What do you mean embracing the loud chaos? you know, when they're having their silly moments or they want to be loud and they're making a mess and they're just doing things that we like, we need to quiet the noise for our own sanity, but it's good noise rather than fighting. For them it's good noise or it's good mess for them. Yeah. We have to embrace it a little bit because that's their bonding moment. Those are things, those are moments where they are making the memories where they'll remember. And it's funny, my daughters wouldn't, their friends, I've heard them say, ⁓ when these two are together and they're in a mood, it's hard to get in the middle because they start finishing each other's words and everything's funny. And it's the silliness that I feel like we've allowed them to embrace that they can now have in common. And they find things, the same things to be funny and they like to watch the same kind of shows and yeah, it's... It's a good, like even good competition, right? Like set up board games, games to play around the house or challenges. And you don't have to make everyone win at the same time. Let them have that sibling healthy competition. And when, how can I say it? When they are not getting along, you... how do I handle it? Let me think. When they're not getting along, they understand equally how they're both probably wrong at that moment, right? Because when you're not getting along with someone, it's like, you're probably both a little wrong where you can meet each other in the middle to compromise what happened. And then Right, just like marriage, right? Yeah. there's conflict, there's always, it's not just one person. Right, right. So it's like, how do we find the middle ground? And then eventually I don't get involved. I just don't, I'm like, figure it out. And then if you do get involved, I found this to be, it's like two minutes later, I'm upset and they're Right? Yep. That's relatable. I get involved more than my husband and my, so yeah, this is something for me to work on because I'm trying to make it better. Of course, I'm trying to help them and sometimes I do, but I'm sure sometimes I make it worse by just another human involved. Yeah. I mean, try it one time and just say, figure it out. But like a serious face, like figure it out because nine times out of 10, everyone's fine. It's not the end of the world. It's figure it out, separate for a little bit and come back together. Or find something that the three of you could do together or however many children are in this situation that we can do together. And then it just calms down. you know, the whole situation or whatever the little problem was that deescalates. Yeah. Let's take a quick pause for something that can really support you. If you constantly question if you are good enough as a working mom and desperately want to feel happier, I'd love to invite you to a complimentary discovery call with me. In 45 minutes, we'll get clear on what is out of alignment. what you want your days to feel like, and two to three simple changes you can make immediately to feel calmer and more confident. It's completely free and it's a chance for us to connect and see if the Feel Good Club for Working Moms or one-on-one coaching might support you. To grab a spot, go to tiagram.com forward slash discovery call. That's tiagram.com forward slash discovery call and pick a time that works for you. So with your, and I know you have a background in therapy and special needs background, and then with your company, there's books, clothing, content, obviously due collaborations, et cetera. What have you struggled with over the past 15 years? in your own experience, not so much like parenting and things for the kids, but really for you as you've been growing your company and raising kids and having just this full life. Yeah. are some of the challenges that you've personally faced in doing all these different things? All of the things. So my struggle I think is with time. time again. Sometimes I would wish if we can just give me four hours when the world is sleeping and I can catch up. Like I wish I didn't have to sleep and yeah. Yeah. So that's number one. then I will say Natasha same. Same. I always wish. That's a good one. And for me, it's always wishing I had more time to work. Like I feel like I enough time with my kids. Yeah. But I always wish like, say, ⁓ God, I would love four hours a day more. Yeah, because sometimes it only takes four hours to get all of those things done. But then it's like the deep root of the four hours that everyone needs everything, right? And it seems like it takes us a little longer to do everything. So for me, it's number one, the extra hours while everyone's sleeping. I wish I had those. And then also I tend to want to do everything myself. Like I want to figure out everything and you really can't do everything yourself because... We're not experts at everything. I mean, maybe some people are, but I'm not. ⁓ So that's the whole thing. And it's trusting ⁓ who to give that job to and how much You're like delegating. Delegating and how much access I should have to something. Because if I can just release it, there's certain things that I can release and not worry about. And then other things, I'm like, I release it, but I don't want to release it to that person because they're so far away. a team of three people, but two of them are not here in the United States. So it's like those things I'll keep to myself, but I'm like, no, I should pass them on because I can't do them. And figuring out how to do them is going to take me much longer, you know? it's those things, time and delegation. Right, right. One of my mentors says that if someone can do something 80 % as well as you, you should delegate it and that, know, perfect or sorry, done is better than perfect yet. I can relate because when it is your, ⁓ know, your comp, you have your company, which is yours. And then you also have your personal brand and your name and your reputation. And it is different than working in an organization where it's, it's not you. So, ⁓ yeah, I think many entrepreneurs, women and men. Yeah, that's a common struggle. ⁓ Coming back to the time piece, are there, ⁓ what's the right word? Unsupportive, I guess not supportive ways that you talk to yourself around time? Are there things that you say that, and I have some, so I'm curious what yours are and probably other Ricky Moms listening too. ⁓ Because it is a common struggle. It is. ⁓ I don't give myself enough downtime. How about you? ⁓ you don't give yourself enough downtime. No. Yes. Yes. I'm that. Yes. ⁓ I think I just say to myself and I'm getting better and better, but I say to myself just that phrase of like, I don't have enough time, ⁓ which I don't think is helpful. Yeah. Right? As like a, cause then it, you know, it's a belief, it like is ingrained in your neural pathways. Yeah. But yours is, I don't have enough time to rest or I don't have enough time to Well, yeah, I shouldn't be sitting still. That's what I tell myself. ⁓ you don't have time to sit still. You don't have time to sit still. Like you have to keep going. And that's, yeah. So just as you said that, it's probably the same for me. You saying I don't have enough time. Guess what? You're not going to have enough time in me. you don't have time to sit still, which is why I'm like the Energizer Bunny most of the time. And people say to me, how do you get all these things done? And I'm like, because I don't allow myself to sit down, something to work on. You're absolutely right. Something to work on. Okay. So I have a great book recommendation because I've been working on this a lot because we are both ambitious, high achieving. want it. We have goals, you know, in all areas of life. There's a wonderful book by a Korean monk. I think he lives in the States now, but anyway, it's a great book ⁓ and it's called The Things You Learn When You Slow Down. ⁓ I love that. And it's all these, on every page, there's not a lot of words. So it's not like this intense novel, you know, or like nonfiction. It's a really, really beautiful book. I'll put the link up. But anyway, I come back to that a lot of just how much ⁓ wisdom and gifts there are in things slowing down. Yeah. So yeah, think that's, I think because we, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, a lot of our value comes from what we produce, right? There's like this validation. And when you sit down and read a book outside or when you go for a walk without your phone or when you, all these things, there's nothing, to show for it, right? Like, you're not gonna post anything on LinkedIn, like, ⁓ this or whatever, you you're not gonna have a new clothing thing come out or, and so it doesn't feel as valuable because it's like invisible value. What do you think about that? I believe what you're saying is true for many, it's so true. And I think that's where the creator. ⁓ the creator job comes in because it's like, I can create something out of nothing, right? It's like, if you're always looking for that creative moment, you turn that into a job as well. And it's not healthy. I'm pretty sure it's absolutely not healthy. You have to turn it off at some times. And if you're a person that organizes, so I kind of try to make sense of everything. ⁓ Taking a walk, I would say, is not a valuable time, but it is if you're thinking about the health aspect. I want to live a long, healthy life. I think mental health, I study the science of happiness. so there's like the nature benefit, yes, the physical health, and then also your psychological health. Yeah, yeah. And just thinking that there's no value to that, it can be bad to think that way. So I'm happy that you said that. And for anyone who is believing that we are... just producers and need to find value in everything. Yeah, we should reframe that a little bit. Yeah, yeah. And it's not, of course, this isn't like shame to anyone or, know, it's, you know, we live in a society that values, right? Like on Success Magazine, there isn't like the most successful resting person, right? Nobody's like honoring that person. Like, wow, this person's nervous system is so regulated and they're really calm. You know, no one. Yes. has to be a plethora That's how much we get highlighted. Yeah, they need benefactors after that in order for that to be like worth reading, maybe. I don't know. Right. And there's so many hidden benefactors to that. Like, you know, there are benefits to it. But you're right. We don't highlight that as like a successful thing. Yes, as a successful thing. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think over the last few years, and I've been working on what you're saying, reading more books, which this feels really uncomfortable to me, and you can relate to this, but I'm trying to just like sit on the couch, which we don't even watch, like sometimes we watch family movies or whatever, but just sitting on the couch and like my daughter's doing something, I was thinking, I'm sit here for a while. always with house and career, there's always so many things that we could, should be doing. And a lot more meditating, which I didn't do my whole life. It's been over the last kind of five, six years, and I still don't do it daily, but just I do more of it. Well, that's good. I mean, it's funny that you said that because In your home, I just noticed the other day that there are certain rooms that we just don't use. And then there are rooms that we live in, like the kitchen. And I'm pretty sure many, that could be like a traditional thing, you know, or just like cultural, like you live in the kitchen, right? But the living room at one point used to be the hub, right? And like the living room. And so many people probably have like immaculate living rooms because no one sits in it anymore. sit around. Yeah. You use them more when your kids are younger too, right? Like you're playing in there, you're doing this and as you're more, yeah, more independent. yeah, no, I think- You see them and like have access to them. Like, yes, I remember being in the living room a lot more when they were all smaller, Yes, yeah, that, yeah, creating that, being intentional about creating that space. ⁓ What would you say to a working mom who is a high achiever in many, many ways and who's a great mom, but is hard on herself, is, you know, kind of has that loud inner critic, is kind of always questioning, is she doing enough? Is she good enough? What would be your advice to that working mom? I love that. It makes me sad when I see women who are, work so hard and do so much, but they're hard on themselves. because if they only took a minute to realize all of the things that they are doing and the ways that they show up, they would give themselves a break, right? ⁓ I would just say, mean, saying something is different than actually taking action on it. So I like to add like an action piece. Like if you have a heavy load and you think that you're going to have an overwhelming day. ⁓ I like to plan things out. I like to write everything down. That's just me, especially if I think it's gonna be an overwhelming week. If I know my week in advance, I'm like, these are all the things that have to get done and maybe something is, someone, I'm going to have to drop the somewhere and it's going to happen and I can't feel bad about it because we're all human, right? And if the person or situation where the bowl has to be dropped doesn't understand, then it was meant to happen that way. Like sometimes we have to just have faith that things. are going the way they're supposed to go. But we, you know, show up, do the things that you're supposed to do, your daily routine, like have a daily routine, but don't make it so like strict where you're hard on yourself. I think that's where it falls. Like I have to do this, I have to do that. Like at this timeframe and some things have to be on a strict schedule, but if you fall off a little bit, it's okay. Right, so it's almost like planning for, there's gonna be things that drop, there's gonna be things that don't go well, and not to beat yourself up, because that's just how life is as a working mom. think that's really, really valuable. you can't, and don't apologize for it either, like not too much, because too many sorrys, then you start to feel sorry for yourself. Don't apologize for it, like, ⁓ this didn't happen, and go, yes, great advice. Yeah. Oh, Natasha, where can people go to find more about you, to learn about your books and clothing and everything and to find your blog? Where's the best place for people to find and follow you and connect with you? So you can find more about me and the lifestyle of Twin Delicious and co at TwinDelicious.com. And it's a 3D word as a writer. I like juicy words. it's twin T W I N D O L L as in doll and issues. I-C-I-O-U-S.com. Awesome. Thank you so much for coming on the show and I look forward to meeting you in person. I'm so excited. Can't wait to meet you Tia. In person. Thank you for joining me on the Feel Good Club show. I hope today's episode left you feeling inspired and equipped to take on your day with confidence, self-love, and joy. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with your fellow ambitious working moms. Remember, you are not alone on this journey. We're all here to support each other in feeling good and living our best lives. Until next time, take care and be hopeful. And remember, prioritize your happiness.