Latest / The Feel Good Club for Ambitious Moms of Neurodivergent Kids / Do THIS after yelling at your kid
Transcript
- ROCKY: Repair is not a weakness. This relationship matters more to me than my ego. You can always go back, not perfection, but repair. The question is: am I someone who repairs? Welcome to the Feel Good Club Podcast. This is the place where ambitious working moms learn how to elevate their well-being, increase success in all areas, and create a positive, aligned life. Whether you're here to hear expert interviews or inspiring talks, this is your space to learn and grow. I'm Tia Graham, keynote and TED speaker, best-selling author, and founder of the Feel Good Club community for high-achieving moms. I am an expert in the science of happiness. This show is here to help you feel grounded, happier, and connected to yourself And others. I know you are going to love it. Thank you for being here. Let's dive in. Welcome back to the Feel Good Club for Working Moms. This is the place where ambitious moms come to feel less alone, more grounded, and genuinely good about the life that they are living and creating. Quick shout out to everyone who is tuning in to listen to this episode. Whether you're in the car line, exercising, folding laundry, or listening to it as you get ready for bed, you are choosing yourself. And every minute that you choose yourself is an investment in your career, your family, and of course, it's good for you. Today's episode is one of my favorite topics because it has honestly been life-changing for me. And I use it all the time in my marriage and with my kids. And I also use it with other family members as well. It's equal parts helpful and hopeful. We're going to talk about something that every single working mom experiences. But something that we don't talk out loud enough about. It's the times and those moments when you lose it, when you yell, when you disconnect, when you completely drop the ball. And we're going to talk about today what you do after. And spoil alert, there is a way through. And you're gonna feel less alone and definitely more optimistic. And this way through is more powerful than you think. Here's a scenario I want you to sit with for a second. You've had a full day, morning with the kids, getting everyone ready, the morning rush, back-to-back meetings, a deadline for work that got moved up. Maybe you had a super super quick lunch, rushing, eating while you are working, and you're running on a lot of caffeine and willpower, maybe not enough sleep, maybe you didn't have enough time to exercise. And you walk in the door, and within 60 seconds, someone needs something, and the way they communicate it triggers you. Your kid is melting down, your spouse says something that it just Hits the wrong nerve and you snap. And you say something that you immediately regret, and you also immediately regret how you said it. And then you feel it. The heavy mix of guilt and shame and thoughts like, I'm not a good mom, I'm setting a bad example. I just ruined the moment. etc. Does this sound familiar to you? Can you relate? So here's what most of us do next. We either pretend it didn't happen and we just move on, or we over apologize in a way that feels hollow, or we spiral with guilt and shame over the next few days, or maybe even even it lasts a week. And what almost none of us do is Prepare it. And today I'm going to show you exactly how, with a framework from one of my favorite experts, that's so simple, so effective, and rooted in science and research. It's going to change the way that you move through conflict with your family and at work forever. Let's talk about why repair feels so foreign to most of us working moms. First, many of us were never modeled it. There were many things that my parents did, and it literally was never talked about again. Can you relate? If you grew up in a household where adults didn't apologize or where the conflict just got swept under the rug, it was over. Then you like me literally had no roadmap for repair. And second, we confuse moving on with repairing. Time passing is not the same as relational healing and a self-healing. Buying your kid ice cream is not repair. And by the way, I'm totally guilty of buying things like to make my kids. feel happy over something or like giving them a little piece of chocolate. Can you relate to this? ⁓ and you know, making your husband cough a coffee the next day is not the same as repair. And then third, there's a belief, even if it's subconscious, that bringing it up again will make things worse. So do you think that this might be in your subconscious? And fourth, this one is big, is We think that we have to be perfect to be good moms and partners. And so when we're not, we feel so much shame that we rather bury it than face it. We'd rather bury it than face it. Here's what that costs you and I. It erodes trust over time, slowly, quietly. Until one day the distance feels massive. And it teaches our kids that conflict ends in withdrawal, not connection. And it keeps the guilt and shame alive in our thinking, in our feelings, and in our bodies. Because deep down, there's something that's unfinished. The relationship doesn't need you to be perfect, but it needs you to come back. Who in your life do you have the most conflict with right now? Is it your spouse or ex-spouse? Is it one of your children? Is it someone at work? Is it your parent? Bring that person to mind where there's the most conflict. And I want to share something personal with you here. Let's take a quick pause for something that can really support you. If you constantly question if you are good enough as a working mom and desperately want to feel happier, I'd love to invite you to a complimentary discovery call with me. In 45 minutes, we'll get clear on what is out of alignment, what you want your days to feel like, and two to three simple changes you can make immediately to feel calmer and more confident. It's completely free and it's a chance for us to connect and see if the Feel Good Club for Working Moms or one-on-one coaching might support you. To grab a spot, go to tiagram.com forward slash discovery call. That's teagram.com forward slash discovery call and pick a time that works for you. It is six years ago. And my daughter is having a lot of trouble getting in the car and going to school. And it doesn't happen every day, but it happens on a regular basis. And it is stressful. I feel anxious. I feel confused. And it feels like her willpower that she just doesn't want to do it. And she is being stressed. Strong willed. And I try many times. I am saying, ⁓ let's get in a car. Let's go to school. It's okay. It's gonna be a good day. And she is digging in. And I feel my heart beating faster. I feel my blood starting to pump through my veins. My chest is tight. My jaw is tight. I have another kid that I also need to get to school. So she's negatively affecting her sibling. And I'm and I start to get more and more impatient. And over time, my voice gets louder. I am getting more impatient. My anger is rising. And my energy is going into her. Making things worse. And we have the most awful ride to school, the most disconnected school drop-off. And when I am driving home, I have tears in my eyes. And at the end of the day, when I pick her up and she ends up having a good day at school, I do not go back. I do not talk about it. We just start again. And that disconnection over many instances like that builds over time. And it does not feel good at all. And this went on for quite a long time. Time. And what shifted for me was realizing that I didn't want to be this disconnected anymore. And I didn't want to be the mom that didn't heal and repair from situations. And what I learned from this experience is that repair is not a weakness. It's not admitting that you're a terrible mom or a bad partner or A challenging coworker if you have this with someone at work. Repair is actually one of the most powerful things that you can do because it says this. This relationship matters more to me than my ego. And that message lands, especially for your kids. Now, let's get into the good stuff. I want to share a framework from Dr. Becky Kennedy. She's a clinical psychologist and in my opinion, one of the most important voices in parenting and relationships right now. And I got to hear her speak last month at the conference, Mom 2.0, and she was awesome. Dr. Becky teaches that repair is not just helpful, it's essential. She says no parent is perfect, but a parent who repairs is a safe parent. That hit me hard the first time that I heard it. Here are the four parts to meaningful repair. And I want you to notice how these work together. Part one, acknowledge what happened. You are not minimizing it, you are not explaining it away, and you're not leading with a but. Just name it clearly. I yelled at you earlier. I walked out of the room when you needed me. I said this, and it was harsh. You are naming exactly what happened. And this step alone is so massive because it tells the other person their experience was real. You're not gaslighting them with, ⁓ it wasn't that bad. Step two, take ownership without over explaining. That was wrong of me. Full stop. I shouldn't have done that. I made a mistake. You can briefly share contacts context later, but it's not a way to excuse your behavior. The goal here is that they feel seen and not responsible for your reaction. And this is especially important with kids. They naturally assume that they caused your bad mood and your ownership frees them from that. Part three, express empathy, which is understanding for their experience. Step into their shoes. That must have felt scary. I imagine that really hurt. You deserve better than that. That must have been really confusing. This is where real emotional reconnection happens. You're not just saying sorry, you're saying I care about how that landed for you. I care about your experience, and I want you to know that I acknowledge it and I see it. Part four, reaffirm the relationship. End with something that anchors them in security. You're so important to me. I love you no matter what. We're okay. For a spouse, I'm committed to us. This doesn't change that. This is the landing and it brings it home. So let me just like put this all together in one example. Hey, I want to come back to this morning. I snapped at you when You said this and that wasn't okay. You didn't do anything wrong. I was overwhelmed and triggered, and I took it out on you. That wasn't fair, and I imagine it felt awful. I love you, and you deserve better from me, and we're good. That's it. Under 60 seconds, and it changes everything. Here's a note because I know you're an ambitious working mom. You don't need a perfect moment or a long conversation. You don't need to have everything processed first. You just need to go back. The repair can happen the same day, the next morning, in the car, at bedtime. It doesn't expire. And Dr. Becky Kennedy says. You can even do this as an adult with adult children. You can always go back. I want to offer you a reframe before I close this episode. We spend so much energy trying not to rupture, trying to be calm, patient, present, not reactive. And then when we inevitably are human, we treat it like evidence that we failed. But here's what the research actually shows. It's not the rupture that harms your kids or your relationship. It's the un Repaired rupture. It's the unrepaired rupture that harms our kids. In fact, Dr. Becky and many other attachment researchers say that children who experience repair regularly actually develop stronger emotional resilience than children who never experience conflict at all. Isn't that amazing? And so if you're listening, you might be a working mom like me. Who needs to repair because there's rupture. And why is this? Because they learn. They learn that relationships can survive hard things, that you can come back from a hard moment, that love and connection is sturdy. And this is the gift you give to yourself and your child, not perfection, but repair. And for you and your spouse, or maybe you and your ex-spouse. Every repair is a deposit in the trust account. It says, I'm not going anywhere, I'll come back to you every time. So the question isn't, how do I stop rupturing? The question is, am I someone who repairs? And after today, the answer is yes, you can do this with me. Okay, here's where I want to leave you with something. Tangible to take away. Because I know that for a lot of us, the ruptures, the snapping, the shutting down, the guilt spirals are directly connected to something bigger guilt and shame. And while we're running on empty, trying to be everything to everyone, feeling like we're never enough, that's when we break. And that's when the small moments become big ones. So I put together a free guide just for you. Seven steps to overcome working mom guilt. It's one page, it's simple, and it's completely free. And these are the seven steps that helped me stop feeling working mom guilt. This is my proven experience, and I've been a working mom for 12 years with challenging children. You're going to find the mindset that stops the guilt. practical tools and all you need to do is go to teagram.com forward slash blog. Tiagram.com forward slash blog and you will see the seven steps to overcoming working mom guilt. Thank you so much for spending time with me today with the Feelgood Club. I'll see you in the next episode. Until then, keep going. You are doing a lot better than you think. Take care of yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup. And remember, prioritize your happiness and well-being. Thank you for joining me on the Feel Good Club show. I hope today's episode left you feeling inspired and equipped to take on your day with confidence, self-love, and joy. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with your fellow ambitious working moms. Remember, you are not alone on this journey. We're all here to support each other in feeling good. And living our best lives. Until next time, take care and be hopeful. And remember, prioritize your happiness.