Latest / The Feel Good Club for Ambitious Moms of Neurodivergent Kids / How to Live in the Tension Between Ambition and Family Without Burning Out
Transcript
- ROCKY: So the ability to say, I'm gonna pause and take in the view for a minute, whether that is for a Friday afternoon, whether that is for a weekend, whether that is for a season, you can be proud of how far you've come and still excited about how far you have yet to go. two things can be true at the same time. Live a little. Welcome to the Feel Good Club podcast. This is the place where ambitious working moms learn how to elevate their wellbeing. increase success in all areas, and create a positive, aligned life. Whether you're here to hear expert interviews or inspiring talks, this is your space to learn and grow. I'm Tia Graham, keynote and TED speaker, best-selling author, and founder of the Feel Good Club Community for high-achieving moms. I am an expert in the science of happiness. This show is here to help you feel grounded, happier and connected to yourself and others. I know you are going to love it. Thank you for being here. Let's dive in. Hi, Cheryl Anne. Welcome to the Feel Good Club show. Well, hi. Thanks for having me. ⁓ my gosh, I'm so excited. You have an incredible background and you are raising a beautiful family as well. So you did your bachelor's at Cornell, got an MBA from Emory, 15 years as a marketing executive at Emory and you've been an entrepreneur for many years and you have helped thousands of women, of successful women, ease the tension between their ambitions and their family lives and ⁓ also how to just, how to help them make room for themselves. with their busy, busy lives. And I know a listener listening has a busy life right now. So let's just get right into it. How exactly have you taught so many women how to ease the tension? Because there is tension and someday it is really, really, what's the word, strong or thick. Like you could get pulled into, yes. I think it's every day. It's an everyday occurrence. Well, I choose that word ease very carefully. I think that there's a distinction between ease and eliminate that is important. ⁓ I am not of the belief that we will ever fully eliminate the tension. If you kind of picture a rubber band being pulled in two opposite directions, you kind of loop one finger under each side. The only way to fully alleviate the tension, of course, is to let go of one side. And the women that I am serving and working with every day are not interested in doing that, right? They're really interested in being both and people like you, like me. We're not going to drop our kids We're not going to let go of one side, right? And so because that's like an unacceptable alternative, right, to let go of either thing, we're really deeply fulfilled by both. We have to learn to live in that tension. to make peace with it and to sort of mitigate it and move within it. And I think if you just go back to that rubber band analogy, how would you ease the tension? Well, you'll move the two sides a little closer to each other or you kind of constantly are adjusting. And that dynamic willingness to adjust for seasonality, for things that change in life, for the ages and stages of kids, for the ebb and flow of career, I think that's the answer is navigating that tension. with some dexterity. That's been my life's work so far. I love the analogy. So how would you describe this feeling and this experience of acknowledging and there's always tension, yet it's not too much, right? That's why you're saying easy. It's like you're finding this space, this place that works and then of course it's always shifting. It's adjusting. But how does an ambitious working mom with young kids know and feel confident that this is the right amount of tension? Yeah. For me, right. Well, and I think it's deeply personal. So let's start with this. I think the key for most of us is we would like to be able to manage more, right? I think if I asked any listener today, what's your ultimate goal? It's like, well, I want to be able to have an even bigger life without feeling like I'm getting crushed by it. And that is true for my clients as well. And it's bigger life career. Are you talking about career I'm talking about all of it. Right? Like I want a big, full, juicy life and the freedom to enjoy it. I don't want to be sort of indebted to that life where every moment of every day is scripted and scheduled to things that are beyond my control just so that I can have life. I want to be able to kind of be in the driver's seat of managing the pieces and parts. So I want really robust relationships with my kids. I want a really thriving marriage. I want to take amazingly good care of myself. I want deep female friendships. Those are all parts of this big, full life. In addition to, I want a kick-ass career. So if you want all of that, then figuring out how those things coexist without breaking you is the important kind of lesson that we have to teach. for anybody who's coming into my world for the first time, we're kind of starting like, what does it look like to be managing this life in a way that protects freedom for you in the midst of it, right? Where there's kind of room for you right in the middle of that very full life. What does that look like in? impractical reality. And honestly, Tia, it is a little bit different for each person. The things that I want and need to feel healthy and whole and human are going to be a little different than the things that you need. OK? If we laid out, like, what does a great week look like? We're just going to have different elements in it. But let's say one of them for me is, I want to be able to read. I love to read. I'm voracious reader. I have to be able to have space for that in my life. That doesn't mean that I need to sit down for three hours with a book all by myself doing nothing else. I cart a Kindle around with me absolutely everywhere I go, right? I cart a book with me all around in the cart, yeah, same. That is just, I can slide that into slivers of space that would otherwise be wasted doom scrolling or whatever, okay? But someone else who doesn't find reading to be a passion doesn't need to do that. They're going to find other things that are extremely important and meaningful that they need to protect space for in their day. So I think, first of all, just getting a good picture of what does it look like for you to have room for yourself in the middle of that life. And then, really, the skill building is around, I guess, first adopting the premise that way more things are choices than we think they are. We walk around saying, I have no choice. it is what it is, what am I supposed to do? Yes, I have to. And the reality is we have so many choices at the macro and micro level of our life. And so really kind of pulling back, like revealing that there are in fact choices there to be made is an early piece of skill building. And then learning why we don't make them. Like once you see them, I think you still have to find the courage, the confidence to make those choices. And that often requires withstanding some significant feelings. Like we have some pretty big emotions about it. Or dancing with some fears. Like, you know, we can talk about what some of those are, but there's some core ones that bubble up a lot when we start really trying to make those choices. ⁓ my gosh, I love the dancing with the fears. And as you know, I study and I teach the science of happiness. And so when you were talking about the micro and the macro choices, immediately the word I was thinking of was agency. Like we have way more agency than we think. That's our lead, than it feels like, but I love how you described it. And so you talked about it a little bit, but I want to hear more from you about... the mindset and the thinking that a working mon needs to kickstart this. then also sustain it because, you know, it is easy to fall back into patterns or beliefs or ways of just operating in our default. Talk to me about your cross answer. Let's take a quick pause for something that can really support you. If you constantly question if you are good enough as a working mom and desperately want to feel happier, I'd love to invite you to a complimentary discovery call with me. In 45 minutes, we'll get clear on what is out of alignment, what you want your days to feel like, and two to three simple changes you can make immediately to feel calmer and more confident. It's completely free and it's a chance for us to connect and see if the Feel Good Club for Working Moms or One-on-One Coaching might support you. To grab a spot, go to tiagram.com forward slash discovery call. That's tiagram.com forward slash discovery call and pick a time that works for you. Yeah, so I think that the first intervention around mindset is really getting women to kind of unlock this insight that what is right for you changes by season. And in my world, I define season maybe a little differently than people think at first. It's not really like, ⁓ I'm single or I'm newly married or I have young kids. It's more like Are you in a season of growth and expansion? Which all of us want to be in all the time and think we're in all the time, but we're not, right? So are you in a season, lucky you, of growth and expansion. Are you in a season of crisis and survival? Are you in a season of transition and change? So we have like seven that we look at that there really are kind of a different operating manual for these different seasons of life. And once you've decided I'm going to honor the season that I'm and align my life to it instead of fighting with it, then a lot of those choices start to reveal themselves. Okay, so we stop trying to play by like an outdated playbook and we go, what is actually right for right now? And the good news is the right now changes rapidly because these seasons, we don't stay in them forever. Even if you're in crisis and God bless you if you are, you won't stay in it forever. Like these, they do end and we move on to the next chapter. So acknowledging what season you're in and then I take people through kind of a choice wheel, like a 10 question prompt that gets to, what am I going to prioritize in this season? What's in, what's out? What do I want more of, what do I want less of? And they're hard questions, Tia, right? Because we don't actually usually pause long enough to ask them. We're just barreling through life reacting to whatever is coming at us with the expectation that if someone asks us to do it, the right answer is yes. immediately and then to get busy producing whatever that is, whether that's a kid, a spouse, a boss, a colleague. And so inserting that moment of choice where we can sort of look at every opportunity and say yes or no, all or some, now or later, really starts to give us that freedom of making decisions. So that framework is critical. And again, what's the mindset? It goes back to agency. You have to stay consistently in the belief that there truly are choices. maybe with cost, people may be disappointed, you might get judged, you might feel guilt, all true. You might miss out on something. There's kind of, I call them the four horsemen, guilt, FOMO, judgment, and the loss of control. Those four things are the four that most women abhor the most. And so we run away from them as soon as those feelings start to bubble up. And yet learning to tolerate them, for long enough to exercise the option, right, sometimes gets us the freedom to whatever's on the other side. ⁓ my gosh, so powerful. For me, I also, what's been really helpful is just reframing it, you know, because I struggled with pretty crippling working mom guilt for a long time and my kids have challenges. So I was in that crisis mode for years and different things, but like whenever I do feel the guilt, I'm like, it's because I care so much. Like I'm such a good mom. Like I now just have these, like I'm feeling it, but you know, I'm a really, really great mom. you know, kind of creating that space, like you said, to feel the painful emotions, but to actually experience them differently, like cognitively and musically. Yeah. And here's, here's, let me just give you this insight about guilt that I think is powerful. Like guilt in my... My definition of guilt is it's the belief that someone else's life will be worse because of my actions. When we say mom guilt, we're not talking about doing anything morally reprehensible. We're talking about guilt that arises because I have inconvenienced someone so that I can have what going on a work trip and my kids are missing me. Right. And I think that's the place where we want to challenge is that even true? Is our narrative and story about that accurate? Or is it that we feel like we're missing something. And so actually it's more FOMO than guilt. Sometimes what's happening there is more, gosh, I'm going to miss that moment. I can't be in two places at one time. And so some of that values-based decision making that allows you moment to moment to make a different choice, one work trip versus another, that really is governed by, I missing a Monday and Tuesday? Or am I missing something that I don't get a second shot at being there for? sometimes helps eradicate a little bit of that guilt. really, I mean, I think guilt in the truest definition is like we did something wrong, did we? You know, it's such a flip of the choice of word. Well, for me, I think it's way more ⁓ instead of FOMO, it's more of this like cultural societal conditioning of it's this old, old track, maybe from like great, great, great grandmother of like, a good mom is with their kids. That's right. And it's like, no, actually, you know, the world needs working women now more than ever. And kids need multiple people in their lives. You yeah, they need a stable attached caregiver, but they also need to learn that there are lots of people they can go to for support and entertainment and love. so I think that is a kind of, loved that whole expectations conversation because I do think we carry the weight of those expectations into all of these choices. And it's one of the things that blocks us is the narrative or the story we're telling ourselves about the event. And if we can just challenge it one or two times, sometimes we can get repetitive freedom from that particular pattern. Yeah. ⁓ absolutely. I definitely have. You're like, I got there. sure. ⁓ And what about, so you talked about reading. Can you give a few other? ⁓ micro easy simple behaviors for a working mom that's gonna ease the tension a little bit. And like you say, make room for yourself in the middle. I don't know that these are the things that ease the tension, but I can tell you that what I refer to as resilience rituals, the things that you do for yourself on a regular basis, just because they make you feel, I said it before, healthy, whole and human, right? That's my phrase for it. Identifying what those are and getting them baked into your week first is a transformational habit, right? It's a completely transformational habit. I want to put baked into your week first. So you are planning these, scheduling these, and they're as important as... Literally anything else, Yeah. And I think for like, I think 100 % of women's sleep is one of those things. ⁓ I'll fight anybody who tries to tell me otherwise. I mean, I just am... Research supports it, we need it. 100%. And yet, still to this day, the women who refuse to adopt that as a truism for them, it's true for other people but not for them, ⁓ is enormous, right? So adequate sleep is one of those things. I always think of sleep as like it sets the bookends for your day. If you know you're gonna get eight hours of sleep, you got 16 hours to work with sister, like that's it. You can't turn 16 into 18. you're going to get what you get. then you're really, it's a forcing function to optimize and maximize those hours. So I think sleep is one. I think good food, movement, know, time outside, right? Like we're plants, just our ability to kind of treat the human mechanism. We really need to do those things. ⁓ One of mine is time alone. I'm an only child. I grew up with a lot of time alone. It is very important to my just being to have time where no one needs me. I don't get a lot of that. I'm getting more as my kids get older, but I needed to keep a sliver of it in every day that I was able to not have anyone need me at work or at home for small periods of the day. For some people, it's deep connection time with their spouse or partner. For some people, it's ⁓ a hobby, like music. I have musicians in my community or writers that are like, I just have to have that time, critically important to me. ⁓ So yeah, the habits vary. But again, I refer to them as resilience rituals because I think what so many of us are trying to do is manage a bigger, fuller life. Think of it as a we want to be able to bear more stress. I mean, we don't think of it that way, but it's true, right? And so how do you do that? Will you increase your resilience, your recovery, your ability to come back to it again the next day? So if you're getting enough sleep and you're eating well and you're moving and you're doing things that, you know, I think my like getting ready ritual is one of mine. Like I want to do my hair and makeup every day. It just makes me feel good. If I don't do it, I'm not bringing the same energy into the day. That's not true for everybody, right? But it is true for me. So I think we have to know ourselves well enough to know what we need and then to give ourselves permission to do it. And taking the time to do it. All right. My final question is, What advice do you have for an amazing working mom who has a very full life, everything we've been talking about, and is actually doing great in all areas, but is pretty hard on herself, feels like she's not good enough, struggles with inadequacy, even though everything on the outside and like there's nothing, her boss isn't saying you're not greater. you know, her company is growing, her kids, like I said, all the things are, there isn't actually a lot of things going wrong, but she constantly feels like, am I doing enough? Am could do more. I could be more. Yeah. I mean, first, it's highly relatable, right? Like this is a highly relatable, you could be describing me or any of the women in my community, the sort of never enough women. I think, Honestly, the only thing that has been useful to me and to others is to just examine the cultural conditioning that's driven that. ⁓ I am highly ambitious. I am probably never going to feel like I'm done. But that doesn't mean I can't pause and take in the view from time to time on the journey. So the ability to say, like, I'm going to pause and take in the view for a minute, whether that is for a Friday afternoon, whether that is for a weekend, whether that is for a season, you know, to just, in my season's framework, we call it harvest and celebration. Like every now and then you've got to be in a time where you're like, I'm just going to celebrate what I've accomplished so far and kind of recharge before I take the next hill. So that's been the helpful analogy to me is I probably will never get there. And I think a lot of the women in your audience may feel that way, but You can be proud of how far you've come and still excited about how far you have yet to go. Both two things can be true at the same time. Yeah, have gratitude. you're kind of saying, and smell the roses as you go. Yeah. Live a little. I think if we're just hustle, grind, move, progress, advance, that growth and expansion 100 % of the time, you never live a little. And I think that's kind of the idea of this freedom in the middle of it is the chance to do that. Yeah. And I think just the recognition how much our culture makes us think and believe that we're supposed to be on this hustle, you know, 12 months a year, every single year. it doesn't, you know, what you're talking about in terms of seasons, whether people think seasons of life or different things going on. ⁓ is just that recognition. so then you don't... ⁓ Burn out. Judge is the right word, but you're not like thinking of yourself the same at all times because there's different things happening. So I think that was really, really valuable. ⁓ thank you so much for coming on the show. I really appreciate it. And ⁓ if listeners want to find you and follow you, where can they go? Really, the website's the best jumping off place. It's brilliant-balance.com. and you can just Google it, usually comes up pretty early in the search, it's like a jumping off place to all the resources, including the podcast. Perfect. Oh, thanks so much again. Thanks for having me. Thank you for joining me on the Feel Good Club show. I hope today's episode left you feeling inspired and equipped to take on your day with confidence, self-love, and joy. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with your fellow ambitious working moms. Remember, you are not alone on this journey. We're all here to support each other in feeling good and living our best lives. Until next time, take care and be hopeful. And remember, prioritize your happiness.