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Differentiation for Dummies: Finding Your Voice in the Relationship Choir · The Virtual Couch

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Music.
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Hey everybody, welcome to episode 393 of The Virtual Couch. I'm your host, Tony Overbay.
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I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of a few other podcasts, Waking Up
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to Narcissism, Waking Up to Narcissism, the Premium Question and Answer episode. And then
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we also have Murder on the Couch and The Mind, The Mirror, Me, where I'm co-hosting that
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with my daughter, Mackie. And I would love for you to just go to the show notes and subscribe
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to the newsletter. There are newsletters coming out on a weekly basis. And then there are
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just a lot of fun things coming down the pipeline. Today let's jump right into it.
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I want to get to a topic called differentiation. It is a bit of a psychology buzzword but we're gonna start out with a very detailed letter,
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and well let me just start reading it and we'll go from there. So the letter is
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titled a transformation in our relationship. Hey Tony first of all I've
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been an avid listener of the virtual couch podcast and it's been a valuable
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resource for me during some challenging times. Okay in the vein of full
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transparency. You know exactly who I am or who we are, but I don't think that you
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would share the story so soon because I know you value confidentiality. So for
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your listeners, this is actually an email that I wrote and printed and slid under
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your door. And I will cut in here and say that is a very true statement. I came in
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one morning and there was a letter under my door and I don't know why, but for
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some reason I start to think, oh, what this is. I don't know what this is. This
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could be a bad thing. I've had a maybe a payment or two shoved under my door, but.
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But never this letter.
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So it was actually nice to get this letter. So let me continue.
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So they said, for your listeners, yeah, this is an email I wrote and printed
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and slid under your door. In a recent session, you talked with my spouse and I
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about the interior landscape of our minds, and we continue to explore the concepts
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around being differentiated.
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Here's the giveaway to you just in case you talk about that with every couple, ha ha.
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But I shared that I had heard that term so many times that I realized, I just nod my head.
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But I honestly didn't understand what it means to be differentiated from my spouse.
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And when we spent time talking about it in a few different ways and contexts and sessions,
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it made so much more sense to me and it sort of caused me to have my very own epiphany.
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And I think this would be incredibly powerful for your listeners,
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assuming that I'm not the only one that feels this way.
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So for those listening, if you decide to do anything with this,
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my example is a very recent, very real and came right from Tony's real couch.
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So she said, let's call my husband Mark, although that is not his name.
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Mark and I hit a rough patch recently. Okay, actually we started coming to therapy because
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there was some betrayal in our relationship. Mark came because he really felt like he had to.
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I had heard Tony's podcast and listened to him for a long time, and admittedly the first few
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months were rough. Mark liked Tony, and I felt like that was important, but I really felt like
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Tony was taking Mark's side. Although over time, I realized that if Tony wasn't telling me that I
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was right, then I thought he was saying that I was wrong. And if he wasn't telling Mark that he was
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wrong, then I thought he was telling him he was right. I now know 100% that was my emotional
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immaturity, which I would not only have denied early on in couples therapy, but I honestly
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would have walked out of the room if Tony would have told me that I was emotionally
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immature. I had to come to that realization on my own, but that's a topic for another
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day. The primary bone of contention was our differing perspectives on intimacy.
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Okay, let's use big kid words, sex, especially regarding frequency. To be candid, it reached
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a point where we were even considering divorce. It seemed like a gaping divide that we couldn't,
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bridge. I was what would be described as the lower desire partner and he would have been
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the higher desire. He had betrayed me, so I felt justified in not leaning into physical
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intimacy or again, let's just say, sex. But with the help of, she says, with the help
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of our Tony. But with the help of Tony, we began to kick the betrayal can down the road
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intentionally, as Tony would say often, because we didn't have the tools to communicate,
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yes, his four pillars. And I can even name every one of them now. And she says that's
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an inside joke, but I know I've commented on podcasts before that even those that I
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work with truly probably don't have those four pillars down. And that's part of the the journey.
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But, she says, we had to learn the significance of the fact that without the correct tools
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to communicate, we were kidding ourselves if we were going to try and hear and understand
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each other with what Tony refers to as one of the highest of high charge topics, sex.
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We had to learn to explore the deeper layers beneath our disagreements, back to Tony's
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concept of the interior landscapes of our minds, or what it felt like to be each one
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of us as individuals.
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And we had to truly be curious, which was hard when you feel unheard and unseen.
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We discovered that our conflict wasn't just about intimacy itself, but more about the
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unseen baggage that we carried into literally every conversation.
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Mark's lack of frequent intimacy made him feel undesired, and it brought back memories
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of his parents who barely showed any affection toward each other or especially toward him.
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Sure, he was lacking the understanding that I wanted more emotional connection, and I
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had grown to the point where I didn't desire him, and I hid behind my, quote, body keeping the score.
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I had to really step outside of my own ego to understand what sex meant to Mark and that
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was really hard to hear him without equating it to me.
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What about my feelings?
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What about what he had done to me? But once I was truly able to hear him and what that felt like to him, it honestly broke
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my heart and I had a lot of empathy for what he was going through to the point where it
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was hard not for me to feel like I had never tried to understand what it felt like to be.
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Mark.
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Side I had grown up associating intimacy with vulnerability due to some past experiences.
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We didn't grow up talking about intimacy because of the heavily religious culture I
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grew up in. Sex was taboo and shameful until you were married, and then it was game on.
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Which I now realize was far, far too confusing of a message, especially for people that didn't
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have any experience with intimacy to begin with. So when we would have a tender intimate
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moment to me and again that is saying to me and I realize only me those moments
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were wonderful but they were so wonderful that then if I didn't feel heard or understood or if there wasn't a complete feeling of safety meaning no
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kids could come into the room no dog or cat on the bed and I could feel completely safe then why would he simply just want to have sex it left me feeling
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like an object but I realized I never had the tools the ability or the courage
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to express this. Mark had no idea what was going on in my head, and I clearly had no
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idea what was going on in his. Our interior landscapes, as you put it, or what it felt
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like to be us, were clashing violently to the point where again we were starting to
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contemplate divorce or trying to figure out how to just settle in with this being as good
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as it would ever get.
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I don't even know why we kept coming to you. Mark liked you, I'm not going to lie,
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and in our local area, I know it's hard to get in to see you, so I almost felt like
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I was the special flower for being able to casually mention whenever therapy came up with my friends
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that we were working with you. Yeah, the virtual couch guy. Sorry, I guess I want to puff up your
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ego. The real breakthrough, however, came when we truly understood each other's interior landscapes.
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Visualizing this concept and imagining walking through each other's homes in our minds was transformative. We acknowledged our past experiences and how they influenced our
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present reactions. As we sat on your couch and literally laid our heads back on your non-leather
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cushions." That's a funny inside joke there as well because I've always had the traditional
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therapist leather couch and I have a very comfy cushy couch now that is non-therapist approved
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non-leather. But so she says, on your non-leather cushions and held hands and you guided us through
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through the conversations using the four pillars,
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it felt like we understood the furniture, the decor, and even the choice of paint inside each other's minds.
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It was liberating to realize that I didn't even need to truly understand where he was coming from
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because I can't know what it feels like to be him.
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And I realized that he didn't have to completely understand what I was feeling, but the fact that we were able
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and willing to talk and listen and hear each other and not judge, it just made me start to feel safe.
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Mark and I are now working on accepting and appreciating each other's internal spaces.
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We're learning to communicate our needs and our fears more transparently.
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We don't have to immediately react and meet each other's needs right away to calm the other person's anxiety
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or to get rid of our own discomfort.
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And I hesitate to even put this into the letter because I know you always say that some of the things
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you talk about in sessions won't make it to a podcast because tools can be weaponized
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if not used in the right way.
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But I see the work Mark has done and I know he cares about me and he cares about the kids.
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And I lean into him more and I love him more.
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And yes, I have sex with him more, and I still struggle to even share this with him
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because I still find myself worrying that that means that it is an all or nothing
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black or white thing, and now we will just have to do it all the time.
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But I'm starting to be more present. I'm starting to enjoy it more, even for me,
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because he is my person.
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And I wanna experience joy, and I can do so with him. And I can also experience pain,
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and I can experience sadness.
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And I can offer him my gift of my understanding because I know he'll respect and honor me.
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I truly never knew what I didn't know about what it can feel like to act freely
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within the safety of a marriage and a relationship.
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You said early on that if somebody could take a pill and feel like what it could feel like
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if a couple really leaned in, had the right tools and trusted the process,
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that everybody would do it.
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I heard you, and I don't even know what I did with that information at the time.
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But now I want this letter to be the pill, perhaps, that a couple needs to get in there and do the work.
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You know, if you've figured out who we really are, and I would imagine you now have that Mark and I have had a lot of other setbacks since we've been coming to therapy that have to do with our family, our kids, jobs, everything.
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And those have been things that as difficult as they have been, things that we now four pillar, as you say, like champs, we hear each other, we feel closer and we feel more connected.
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So yes, we are realizing that every encounter is an opportunity to then take a look at our own internal landscape and to hear and understand what the other person, what their interior landscape looks like.
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And then that does become an opportunity to rearrange, redecorate, and enrich our own interior landscapes, if we so choose, drawing inspiration from each other because we care about each other, we love each other, and we're open to each other.
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Other. Thank you, Tony, for introducing concepts that give us a fresh perspective on our inner
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selves. Your podcast makes a tangible difference in people's lives. It can save relationships,
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and it has saved mine. Warm regards." And then her name. So I appreciate that letter more than
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I can ever express because it just summarizes what the entire therapeutic journey can be,
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but more specifically, what we're going to talk about today, putting all those pieces together
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of how to get outside of our own ego and how to recognize that, of course, we each have different
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interior landscapes of our mind. So, the interior landscape of our mind. So, let's take a step back
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and let's really dig into the concept of differentiation.
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Because I really do believe that every encounter we have, every word exchanged, or every emotion felt in response to another,
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it's a mirror reflecting aspects of ourselves.
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So these reactions, they can offer just invaluable insight into our own internal landscape of our minds, or what it feels like to be us.
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And then by examining these reactions, then we will really start to open these pathways for personal growth.
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And this can either be done in concert with another human being,
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meaning that we're having these connected conversations like in the letter I just read,
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or if someone else is not participating in a healthy adult conversation,
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then that alone can bring you to certain reactions,
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and thoughts and feelings.
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So back to this, I know there are buzzwords in therapy and then one of them often is differentiation.
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So what is it?
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There was a psychologist named Murray Bowen and he had this theory of self-differentiation.
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And so that differentiation of self-theory revolves around the idea that individuals vary in their ability
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to distinguish or understand between their own thoughts and feelings and those of others.
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So those with higher levels of differentiation then are better able to maintain their own individuality,
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even when they're met with external pressures.
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So people telling them all the things that they're supposed to think and feel and do,
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or even if they're overly stressed, while still being connected and emotionally available to others.
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So it's starting to get out of that enmeshment with other people.
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In more simple terms, distinguishing between your own thoughts and feelings
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and those of others really means recognizing what emotions and thoughts are yours,
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versus which ones you're feeling because of somebody else's influence or their expectations.
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So that is this process of where one person ends and the other begins, or this process of differentiation.
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So let me throw some examples out.
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Think of peer pressure at a party. So imagine being at a party where everybody is drinking
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or they are doing drugs and you don't want to.
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Without differentiation, you might think, well, everybody's drinking and they expect me to as well,
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and so I probably should do it, as cliched as it sounds, just to fit in.
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And so then you drink, even if you didn't want to, because your thoughts and feelings are enmeshed
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with those of everyone else, instead of then looking at that as an opportunity to say,
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well, what do I really feel?
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So with differentiation, then you think, well, I know everybody's drinking and they want me to join in.
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Those are their thoughts and their emotions and their feelings, but I don't feel like drinking.
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So you stick to your choice.
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And I wanna say without feeling guilty or pressured, you will feel guilty and you may feel pressured,
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but then all of these things become an opportunity for growth
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because you can recognize that I can feel guilty,
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I can feel pressured and I can also still take action on the things that are important to me.
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But then people will most likely even pressure you more until you hold those boundaries.
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And over time, then what it feels like to be you is the person that can go to a party
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and not drink if you don't want to. Or let's go to choosing a college major,
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because I've had several of these, even a couple of them over the summer as college is starting
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back up again. But let's just say your parents want you to be a doctor, but you are passionate
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about art. As a matter of fact, I have a good example of that one. I'll maybe share that in
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in a little bit, without differentiation,
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you might think my parents will be disappointed if I don't pursue medicine and I should just do what they want.
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So you enroll in pre-med, even if it's not your passion. Oh, I really do have an example.
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So I'll share that in just a minute.
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With differentiation, you think I understand and I respect my parents' perspective, but I love art
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and I believe in pursuing my passion.
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So you pursue an art degree, but also find ways to discuss and bridge the understanding with your parents.
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So you can still maintain that relationship without having to break down what their beliefs
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or their thoughts are, or even necessarily defend yours, because this is an opportunity for you
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to recognize what you want.
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Or handling somebody's sadness. Your friend is going through a breakup
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and they're extremely sad, so without differentiation,
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you might absorb their sadness so deeply that it affects you and your own mental well-being.
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You start to feel down, you start to feel depressed, even though there isn't a direct reason
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for you to feel that way.
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Because, and this is where it can sound so almost passive aggressive or negative,
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but because that is what they are going through. And you can be there for them,
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but that doesn't mean that it has to then ruin your experience or your day as well.
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So with differentiation, you can empathize with your friend and you can offer support,
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but then you're also able to disconnect and maintain your own emotional balance.
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That you understand that it's their emotions and not yours. And empathy can absolutely be right there with them
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in that pit of despair, but then that isn't your burden to carry
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someone else's emotional baggage in a sense.
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So how do you achieve differentiation?
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Self-awareness, that's one of the biggest keys. Regularly checking in with yourself.
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Ask questions like, is this what I truly want or feel?
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Or is this coming from somebody else's expectation of me?
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And learn how to set boundaries. That can be so difficult,
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but understanding that it is absolutely okay to say no,
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or to have different desires or opinions from those around you.
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It can sound simple, but it can be very difficult to do, especially for people that have played their entire life
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as a people pleaser.
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This comes from that world of narcissism or emotional immaturity,
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but know also that when you begin to set boundaries, that people don't typically high-five you
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and give you a standing ovation.
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They typically push buttons to overstep your boundaries because they're used to you acting in a certain way
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or filling a certain role to them.
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So that is enmeshment, it is true enmeshment. So when you start to set those boundaries
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and if you say, no, I can't do that.
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And man, I will tell you, I have a lot of wonderful opportunities to speak
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and present and do a lot of amazing things
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that I've always dreamt of doing, but I do have to say no on occasion.
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And that is still difficult to do because it isn't like people say,
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hey, thanks for letting me know or thanks for getting back to me.
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I remember a situation not very long ago where I had a family obligation,
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but the person said that they had already let people know that they could get me to come.
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And I said, oh man, I am so sorry. And then they said, well, you can,
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can't you just do it and the family thing?
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But they don't even know what my family thing was. And so I didn't view that as a, man, what a jerk.
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But it was one of those situations where I'm sure that they have pushed boundaries in the past.
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That's maybe what it feels like to be them.
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And they have been able to get rid their own discomfort or get validation from others because they've been able to push boundaries
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and get what they want.
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So that one was one that I even worry to this day that that person I believe may have then
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even instead of saying, oh, he had a family commitment and I wasn't able to get him and
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I made those promises too early, I may have heard a little bit of a rumor that instead
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the story was spun that I was not interested in participating.
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And that can be a challenge as well because from a level of differentiation, that's still
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an issue for that person.
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And even though it does in a roundabout way affect me or impact me, then I know that I
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held a boundary and I was able to do what was the best thing for me.
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Seeking feedback, and this can be a tricky one because sometimes talking with a trusted
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friend or a family member or a therapist can help you start to just bounce ideas around
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or help you discern your true feelings from those you're absorbing from others.
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It's funny because even just a person that I spoke with earlier today in a session, we
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were talking about how hard it can be when there's a lack of curiosity, though, when
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you are having a conversation with somebody and you want to just try to talk things through or out loud.
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And if the other person is continually playing that devil's advocate role or telling you
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how what you're saying impacts them, it can then feel unsafe to try to just kick things.
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Around or just throw ideas out there. What's a brainstorm?
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Practice mindfulness and meditation that one's gonna find its way on to most of the things that I talk about,
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Because these tools will help you become more in tune with your own emotions and thoughts and it is truly,
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One of those things that until people do it on a regular basis They really don't know what they don't know about what that built-in pause,
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Can look like and I will say this every time I say the words mindfulness and meditation.
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That it is absolutely not about clearing your mind or stopping thought but it's about learning a different
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relationship with your thoughts and feelings, that they are there, they're there for a reason and a purpose, and you can look at those, you can observe them
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without judgment, and that is the practice. And it takes time, and when it
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kicks in, it's an amazing, amazing feeling and opportunity. So just
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differentiation does not mean you don't care about others' feelings or thoughts,
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it just means that you can now tell the difference between theirs and your own.
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So it's about balancing your individuality with connection to others.
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Let me go back to that. I mentioned self-awareness, and I think I said that
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is to regularly check in with yourself and ask questions like, is this what I truly want
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or feel or is this coming from someone else's expectation of me?
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And so I think that this is where it's important to take a quick pause and talk about the concepts
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of socially compliant goals.
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In ACT, in acceptance and commitment therapy, we emphasize accepting of feelings and situations
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without judgment and then taking action or choosing life directions and they need to
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be based off of things that matter to you.
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Compliant goals. They're goals that people set, not because they personally value or
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want them, but because they feel that they should, and we'll should all over whoever
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needs to be should on, but with this concept of the doing them because they feel like they
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should based on societal pressures or expectations from family or peers or culture. So essentially
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they're goals that are pursued to gain social acceptance or approval rather than being true
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to oneself. And there is no judgment even with that because this falls into that camp
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of we don't know what we don't know, and if we are acting in accordance with socially
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compliant goals, typically it's just because that's what we think that we are supposed to do.
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And we may not even be aware of what our own values are, and by starting to take action
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even on values that are not important to us, it's an opportunity for us to recognize,
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oh, I do not feel a connection with this value, so it's important for me to figure out what I do connect with.
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When you practice self-awareness, especially in the form of regularly checking in with
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yourself questioning the origin of your desires or your feelings, then you're
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actively working against falling prey to these socially compliant goals.
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So by asking, is this what I truly want or feel, or is this coming from someone
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else's expectation of me, then you're trying to discern whether the goal or
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desire in front of you is genuinely yours or if it's a product of external pressure.
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And if you find through this self-check-in that your goal is more about fulfilling societal expectations or gaining external approval or validation.
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Then you've probably identified a socially compliant goal. And recognizing that is huge.
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Because from there, what ACT would do is would guide you to accept the realization without self-judgment, check that out,
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consider what you truly value in that moment, and then start to move toward goals that are in alignment with those personal values.
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So in essence, if you are practicing the self-awareness as we were talking about earlier,
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it helps you guard against unintentionally setting and pursuing these socially compliant goals
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and instead it encourages you to focus on genuine,
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basically personally meaningful objectives that align with your true self,
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which makes you feel more in connection
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with yourself and life and the things that you're doing.
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Which is just an amazing concept.
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The doctor and the art thing. Let's call this person Maya because this is a very true story.
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She was amazing at drawing and painting, but her family did not really give her a lot of credit
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or positive feedback for her art.
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And she had a notebook, she would bring the notebook in, the doodles, the sketches were amazing.
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I was just blown away.
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But here's the thing, I feel like almost everyone in her family were doctors.
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So talk about pressure.
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This was long ago in a land far away, but everybody expected her to be in scrubs and saving lives.
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She actually went to medical school. And the joke was, sometimes she would joke
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that even though she would get pale just from a paper cut.
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So then after a lot of exams and medical school and I believe it was in residency,
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she still wasn't feeling it. We would have these sessions from time to time online
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and she would just come home from everything, exhausted and sad.
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And then one time while helping out in some sort of operation or some sort of surgery setting,
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she said she passed out.
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And then while lying there, she just said, Okay, this is kind of nuts.
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Am I doing this for them or am I doing it for me?
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She actually went home and then sketched or drew out, I think her on the floor of the operating room and then she said, I love art and I miss it.
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And she, this is one of these where it all lives, you know, everybody lives happily ever after.
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She took a bold step, started attending some evening art classes, then started taking some online classes and was amazing and eventually said goodbye to hospitals and is pursuing art to this day.
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And so that is a slightly butchered version of the story,
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but it is a very true story.
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Okay, or here is another one. And I would say this one we'll say is based on a true story
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or let's say it's a combination of a couple of stories that will roll into one.
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We'll call the person Leo. Leo grew up thinking that if you did not wear a tie,
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a suit and tie to work, or drive a fancy sports car, then you weren't successful.
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So he studied very hard and he had to go to, I remember learning the phrase, a top three business school for his graduate degree.
24:39
And then he got into a very large finance firm. He started making a lot of money, but he also started working 80 hour work weeks and he
24:46
also wanted to have a family and he just really felt like he was not in alignment with the
24:51
things that he wanted to do.
24:52
But here is where things got tricky.
24:54
So he was doing everything that he thought he was supposed to do, but he still felt very empty.
25:00
So then one day in particular, after I think he had had a dressing down in a meeting, a
25:05
very stressful meeting by a boss, then he basically had a full blown panic attack and
25:10
that was his wake up call.
25:12
So then he took a break, he traveled a little bit and while he was traveling, he discovered
25:16
that he really did like helping people.
25:19
We had some video sessions and he just started to explore what would that look like to start
25:24
teaching people and what could he even do with that.
25:28
He just enjoyed teaching people anything. And he remembered how he used to tutor his younger siblings
25:34
and he even did a little bit of tutoring back in college to make money and how fulfilling it felt. So what did he do?
25:40
He eventually came back home and decided to teach, let's say, at a community college.
25:45
And the pay, not as grand, but the satisfaction was off the charts because at that point,
25:50
then he really did feel like he was doing something that was important to him.
25:53
And he was making a difference in people's lives. So I know that these sound like,
25:57
and then they lived happily ever after, and they had the white picket fence,
26:01
and there was the unicorn and the pot of gold and all those things. But in both of those stories,
26:06
Maya and Leo were trying to fit into these molds that just weren't for them,
26:10
and we're not even putting judgment on that.
26:12
I mean, that's just what happened because they didn't know what they didn't know.
26:14
They were following along with these plans that they thought were the right thing to do,
26:18
but once they started doing what they truly loved, then things changed for the better,
26:22
which I think ultimately is a very good thing.
26:25
So here's a definition and an example rolled into one talking about differentiation.
26:32
I just want you to imagine that every time somebody says or does something, and you have a reaction.
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And that reaction can be anything. You can get mad, you can get happy,
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you can get mad, you can be happy, or upset.
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It really is like getting a pop quiz about yourself.
26:49
Because why did you feel that way? What is that saying about you?
26:53
So if we go back to Bowen, the father of differentiation, he talked about this idea that we need to learn
26:59
the difference between what we feel and think and what others feel and think.
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And the better we get at this, the better we are at handling everything.
27:08
Drama, the better we are at staying calm and steady, being more consistent.
27:13
So when things inevitably go down in life, and they will, and then you feel a certain type of way,
27:19
then it really is like life's way of giving you hints about who you are.
27:25
And that is a process of becoming, because so often those reactions will start to get you
27:32
all up in your amygdala, in your feelings.
27:35
So sometimes this is a principle that happens in hindsight and it really is over time learning
27:40
how to respond versus reaction.
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So instead of this visceral gut reaction, then you're able to take a pause, take a breath.
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Notice what those feelings and emotions are and that allows you to respond because sometimes
27:53
there won't be a need to actually respond at all because you're the one that's having
27:59
that experience and learning.
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And so in the past, you might have had a response of anger and what does that tell you?
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So if we look at those concepts that we're talking about from Bowen's theory of self-differentiation,
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you can look at a couple of things.
28:14
Reactions then become indicators.
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So when we react to somebody or something that they've said, that it's not just about
28:21
that individual and it's not necessarily about their words, it's about our internalized values,
28:26
our beliefs, or our emotional patterns.
28:29
And what an opportunity this can be when you get to this place of differentiation
28:33
in your relationships because your spouse, your partner, they can say something and it isn't even about that thing,
28:40
it's about your reaction to it.
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And what does that tell you about your internalized values or your beliefs or your emotional patterns?
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So a strong reaction, whether it's positive or negative, can be this indication of areas
28:53
where you may have lower differentiation.
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So for instance, if you find yourself just excessively upset or anxious about someone else's opinion,
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then it might suggest that you are enmeshed in or very fused with the emotional states of others.
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So you make their problem becomes your problem, or if they have an idea and you don't have it,
29:15
then you feel like something's wrong with you. And so that's that infusion or that enmeshment.
29:19
So recognizing these reactions, then again provides us with a very unique opportunity
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to look inside, to look introspective.
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So why did that comment affect us so deeply? What does that tell us about our beliefs,
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or our values or unresolved emotions?
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Because the more you can dive into these questions is what will aid you in increasing
29:39
your self-differentiation.
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So as you learn to understand and separate your emotional response from the external stimuli.
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By consistently reflecting on your reactions,
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and then look at all of them as tools for introspection, then you can work toward increasing
29:55
your level of self-differentiation.
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And it only helps in personal growth, but it also, I guarantee,
30:00
will help in fostering healthier relationships because you can remain emotionally connected,
30:06
without becoming overwhelmed or unduly influenced by the emotions and thoughts of others.
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And it's almost like this concept where the more that you are consistent and the more that you recognize
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that these things are an opportunity for your growth,
30:19
then the more consistent you'll be, the safer you will feel for the people
30:23
that you choose to be in relationships with,
30:25
and the more that you will find yourself not being somebody who can be manipulated or taken advantage of,
30:30
by people that then ultimately are not people that you would wanna be in a relationship with.
30:35
Now, let's start digging into what's happening inside your brain or back to this concept
30:40
that we all have this interior landscape inside of our minds or what it feels like to be us
30:44
or you or me, what it feels like to be you or me is influenced by your implicit memory.
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So, these memories, they form from our accumulated life experiences.
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They gradually shape our very essence of who we are.
30:59
So, think of this interior landscape as, I like to think of it a little bit as a furnished home in our minds.
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So, for some, it might simply be adorned with a basic, calm, and straightforward interior.
31:10
I could see that as mine. The furnished home, I think in my own mind, would quite frankly be pretty boring.
31:15
I could see just this, I don't know, maybe a blue couch, the walls are white, and not
31:19
really any pictures there but it's just what I do, what I know. For others it
31:24
could be vibrant and eclectic and constantly alive with activity and these interior designs then are shaped by our upbringing, our beliefs, our personal
31:33
experiences. So when we interact with others then we're basically given a glimpse into their homes and and it's allowing us to discover new furnishings
31:40
or decor that we might not have known existed. So in every conversation, every
31:45
shared experience, it all offers this opportunity to enrich our own internal
31:48
space. So we can add a piece of furniture, we can repaint a wall, but just because we
31:53
find something new in somebody else's interior landscape does not mean that what we had was
31:59
wrong or was inadequate. It's all about growth and understanding and making conscious choices
32:04
about how or what we want our mental spaces to look like and to feel and they can be fine.
32:10
You could absolutely feel like everything is okay. And so that doesn't mean you have
32:14
to redecorate your interior landscape. And you can admire and appreciate someone else's.
32:19
Without having to feel like something's wrong with yours. Let's paint a picture. Let's say
32:24
that there's a couple and we'll call them Jasmine and Kyle. So they're college friends.
32:30
They're coming from these vastly different backgrounds. So picture Jasmine grows up in
32:34
this bustling urban environment and she's always surrounded by noise and people and
32:39
a whole bunch of different cultures. So then her interior landscape is likely a, we'll say,
32:45
a lively loft and downtown New York, colorful walls, eclectic furnishings, always some catchy
32:50
tune playing in the background. Kyle, on the other hand, was raised in a country, like the
32:56
country cabin and a serene countryside. So his interior landscape is going to be more like this
33:01
cozy wooden cabin. It might be minimalistic and calm and with nature-inspired furnishings. And,
33:07
You just hear crickets chirping in the background, the soft ambient sounds.
33:11
So one day they find themselves talking about meditation. Jasmine shares her method involving dynamic dance and movement to achieve mindfulness.
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And it seems chaotic and it seems just alive.
33:24
But Kyle, I mean, he's kind of intrigued because in his mind meditation was about being still,
33:29
you know, sitting by a peaceful lakeside in his mental landscape.
33:32
So, curious, then he decides he's going to give Jasmine's method a try, and he is not
33:37
a strong dancer. But it's a whole new experience, and suddenly there is a lively corner in his
33:42
serene cabin, the spot where he could dance freely, he could lose himself in the rhythm,
33:46
and he really liked the new addition, because he realized it was something that he never knew
33:50
existed, and therefore he never knew he was missing. Now, Jasmine, on hearing about Kyle's
33:55
quiet meditation methods, she tried it. She found a calm corner in her vibrant loft,
34:00
the space where she gets to peacefully and let the world around her fade away.
34:05
And she did not like it. She felt like that something was missing, that she was doing
34:09
something wrong. But that conversation and these experiences didn't mean that one's method was
34:14
better, superior than the other, but instead it offered them both a chance to add something new
34:19
to their homes. So Kyle adds something new to his, Jasmine, not so much. And then their connection
34:25
was an opportunity to see if there was something to add or something they even wanted to change or
34:30
or get rid of, it shows how interactions are going to allow people to discover and learn
34:34
and grow and reshape their implicit memory and expand their perceptions. Or they don't
34:40
have to, but you won't know until you have these interactions with other people, which,
34:44
is on that road to differentiation. And I've been putting together a, I've got an exercise
34:50
about mapping out your interior landscape. So if you are interested in it, feel free
34:54
to reach out and contact at TonyOverbay.com and I can send that your way. And I would
34:59
I'd love to hear what you think about that.
35:01
Your interior landscape, it is constantly evolving.
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That means that it's something you can revisit on a continual basis.
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And when you revisit it, let's talk about how then you can influence
35:11
or rebuild the interior landscape of your mind.
35:14
Because much like we'll give this example of if you're constructing a home and we're going brick
35:19
by brick. So then the structure and the decor of your mind's interior landscape then is built from
35:24
your accumulated experiences. So every event, every conversation, every emotion you encounter
35:30
adds a piece of furniture or paints a wall within this personal space. So every joyful celebration
35:35
might add a vibrant splash of color, but then every heartbreak or disappointment might introduce
35:39
maybe a more somber shade. Okay, so let's talk about how our brain stores memories and then
35:44
we will wrap this up. So imagine, we'll make it simple, imagine your brain as a room. Every
35:48
memory is like a piece of furniture or a painted wall in that room. Here's the catch, when something
35:53
happens in your life, your brain doesn't remember every tiny detail like a photo. Instead, it
35:57
remembers the main stuff, like how you would remember a drawing or a sketch. So every time
36:02
that you think of a past event, it's like you're looking at that sketch again, but depending on
36:06
on your mood or what's happening around you, you might add some details or colors to it.
36:11
So if you're sad, then you think of a memory. You might accidentally add a little bit of
36:16
that sadness to the sketch. And if you're happy, you might add a little bit of sunshine.
36:20
So over time, the way that you feel and the way that you think can change the look of
36:24
your sketches. And this is where it gets kind of cool. So by understanding this, you can
36:27
actually reshape how you see your past. If you keep adding positive vibes to your memories,
36:32
And over time, your room or your brain starts looking happier and brighter because it's,
36:37
kind of like redecorating your room to reflect who you are now.
36:41
So a real, maybe a simple story, let's say you had a really awkward birthday party a
36:45
couple of years ago, maybe it rained, not many friends could make it.
36:48
And every time you think of that birthday, you focus on the rain and the empty chairs.
36:51
Then that memory sketch will always be gloomy. And when you pull it back up and you add more of that doom and gloom to it, then every time
36:58
you put it back away it's gonna add a little bit more of that that dark cloud
37:02
over it. But what if you chose to remember the one friend who did come and how you both laughed really hard at some joke or maybe the taste of the wonderful
37:10
cake that you had that over time by focusing on the good parts and that memory sketch starts to change and the rain becomes this fun backdrop the cake
37:17
stands out laughter fills the room and over time then that party was a pretty good time.
37:22
So, this is like taking charge of your mind's decor. It's about growing up and understanding yourself better and shaping your mental space to reflect
37:31
who you truly are because you really do have that power to repaint and refurnish.
37:37
But it does take time and that's part of the, I think that's not a very good sales pitch
37:43
when we say that, hey, it can actually take a fair amount of time, but I will tell you
37:48
that it is absolutely worth it because that simple example there of over time,
37:52
you really can remember that experience was wonderful.
37:56
I went to Disneyland with my entire family over Christmas.
37:59
And I, when I think about it, I think of what an amazing time it was Christmas
38:03
and the Airbnb was fun and we had churros everywhere we went and everyone was there
38:08
and we have really cool pictures and we waited in long lines,
38:11
but we played games on our phones and it was just, it was so fun.
38:15
But every time I bring that memory up, then I add more to it of the things I remember.
38:19
The Guardians of the Galaxy ride, and the Spider-Man ride, and there was so much fun.
38:24
But I could have easily, every time I bring that up, thought the lines were long.
38:29
And there was a weird thing when you pulled into the driveway at the Airbnb that could
38:33
scrape up the bottom of your car.
38:35
Or man, those churros are expensive. Or there's so many things that you could remember.
38:40
And then when I put that memory away, then oh yeah, it was that time that cost so much
38:44
money and the lines were long or it's that time where we played games in the line and
38:49
the churros were amazing.
38:51
So that's in a nutshell that's what it feels like to then recreate those memories and then.
38:56
Put them away and bring them back out and it's all real things but it really does give
39:00
a good example of how you can choose what you do with that memory.
39:04
I hope this concept of differentiation made sense. I would love to get your thoughts, your comments, your feedback.
39:09
So feel free to reach out to me, give me examples, questions and but I think this is such a key
39:14
key concept though, it really does play back into the every single opportunity we have.
39:18
Again, it's this pop quiz, surprise, here's what you're gonna learn about yourself.
39:22
And then every interaction that you have with someone doesn't then become this overwhelming sense of dread,
39:29
and what's wrong with me and they don't like me and I'm not enough because you are, you are plenty.
39:34
You are enough, you are plenty.
39:35
You're a lot, I'm not saying it that way. But everything becomes this opportunity to grow.
39:40
And then every conversation, every interaction, everything you do becomes this just amazing muse
39:46
that you now interact with and it helps you to understand more of who you are.
39:51
And then all of a sudden that becomes life. I mean, it becomes quite a gift.
39:55
Music.
41:32
I will see you in the next video.