Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E309: Lessons from 60 Years of Marriage w/Dr Bill Sears | Lila Rose Show

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E309: Lessons from 60 Years of Marriage w/Dr Bill Sears | Lila Rose Show · The Lila Rose Show

• 0:00
  You were married for almost 60 years, but after seven years,
• 0:03
  you almost threw in the towel. Tell me about what happened.
• 0:05
  She. Looks at me and gave me the four
• 0:08
  words that changed our marriage. What was it like when you and
• 0:11
  Martha found out that you were having a baby with Down
• 0:13
  syndrome? In those days it was just
• 0:14
  Martha's intuition. He needs my breast milk even
• 0:17
  more than a typical baby. Now we know how many great brain
• 0:21
  building qualities are in breast milk.
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  My admiration for her was up and up and up.
• 0:26
  Towards the end of Martha's life, you were her caretaker.
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  What did you learn about marriage and what advice would
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  you give others? I learned that true love place
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  for man was. Doctor Bill Sears, welcome back
• 0:41
  to the podcast. Thank you, Lila.
• 0:43
  It's my honor to be here. You were married for almost 60
• 0:46
  years, but after seven years you almost threw in the towel and
• 0:50
  left the marriage. Tell me about what happened.
• 0:53
  Well, that was seven years into our marriage.
• 1:00
  It almost ended, but what happened saved our marriage and
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  a fruitful marriage. So I was just finishing my
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  internship and residency at the Hospital for Sick Children in
• 1:13
  Toronto, Canada, the largest Children's Hospital in the
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  world. So as I'm finishing my
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  residency, I was called in by Doctor Bain, the chief of the
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  hospital. The bill, I'd like to you to
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  stay on another year and be chief resident of the hospital
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  and maybe take over my job as chief of the hospital down the
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  road. So I came home that night eager
• 1:38
  to tell Martha about this good news, said honey, guess what,
• 1:42
  I've just been, you know, small town, poor boy gets to be chief
• 1:46
  of the hospital. And I said I just been offered a
• 1:49
  job as chief resident and then they become chief and she looks
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  at me and gave me the 4 words that changed our marriage.
• 2:01
  Bill, you're married to medicine.
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  You're married to medicine. Whoa.
• 2:13
  It was like something comes in your brain.
• 2:16
  Oh my gosh, she's right. I never knew she felt that way.
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  I never knew she felt that I was spending too much time at the
• 2:26
  hospital. She needed a husband for her and
• 2:30
  a father for her two children. I never knew she felt that way
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  because I never asked her. So that was my first marriage
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  tip to give people periodically say, honey, how do you feel
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  about or moving? How do you feel about me
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  spending so much time at the eldest?
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  How do you feel about? I should have asked her that and
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  she would have told me. So then I said to her 4 words
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  that became the title of what we call our marriage book for life.
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  And I said to her, Martha, I commit to you for the rest of
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  our long and happy life together.
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  You first, me second, you first, me 2nd.
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  And I practiced that the rest of our life.
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  Nine months later, baby #3 Peter comes.
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  And it seems like nine months after all of our marriage
• 3:36
  makeups, another kid comes. Well.
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  We got 88 marriage makeups. But I but I carried and I
• 3:43
  carried that that as you call it, wisdom, your first, me
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  second into how I programmed my son in laws, you know, because
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  when our daughters, especially my daughters still call me daddy
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  and when they were about to be married, they have to ask my
• 4:07
  permission, the son in law's and our daughters would say, now
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  John, I, I want to prepare you for my dad.
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  He may sound a little rough on you, but he loves me.
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  So I would say to say, John, John, are you prepared to say to
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  my daughter, you first, me 2nd, and if you are prepared to do
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  that, you have my blessing. So what you're saying is it's
• 4:36
  very beautiful and I'm sure the women listening are thinking, I
• 4:39
  want to find a man like this or, you know, I want my husband to
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  be this way. What would you say is the
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  responsibility in this dynamic where the the husband says you
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  first, me second? What is the responsibility or
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  the advice for the woman if Martha was here, and I know
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  she's here in spirit, your beautiful wife of almost 60
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  years? Well, you, Bill, are saying you
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  first, me second. What is Martha saying?
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  OK, well it's interesting. It sounds one sided, you first,
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  me second. But actually it isn't.
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  See, when the wife hears you first, me second, it makes her a
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  better wife for you. So you actually profit.
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  See, you're actually helping her be the wife you need by you
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  being the husband that she needs.
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  So it's that beautiful. We call it a blending, a
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  blending of minds, husband and wife.
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  I use the term blending again. You first, me second.
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  Helps the wife become a better wife for you.
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  I think in today's modern climate, there's men who feel
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  afraid of being taken advantage of, including in a marriage
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  where they feel like they're just going out of their way.
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  They're trying to do everything and then the woman isn't
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  appreciating them enough. Well, if that happens, see, the
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  woman needs to appreciate it. The woman needs to appreciate
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  it. And one of the things I see the
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  great thing about what what you want to do by you want to make
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  memorable moments. We call 33 M memorable marriage
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  moments that you can replay. I'm living on replay right now.
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  I replay those marriage moments. And so let's say the wife is not
• 6:50
  really feeding her husband the way he needs. 1 little tip.
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  I still remember Martha one Thanksgiving.
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  She says to the whole the tribe, I call it the tribe of kids all
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  around our our table. She says, I want to read to you
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  how thankful I am for my husband.
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  Beautiful. How thankful I am for my husband
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  and you might want to read that. We have it here.
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  I remember saying that and I think this is this is the key,
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  right? And you're saying, and we're in
• 7:32
  this conversation, you're going to share some amazing advice
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  about having a thriving marriage and also how to be great
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  parents. Well, you have a beautiful
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  marriage. You talk about it from the man's
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  perspective and that's very key. And people listening, both men
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  and women will benefit. We're going to keep on bringing
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  in Martha even though she's not here physically with us because
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  we need both. And if you're a woman listening
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  to this conversation, you can say, OK, how can it be more like
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  Martha because she did a phenomenal job.
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  The men listening obviously are going to learn from your from
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  your lessons. This is Martha right here ways
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  that I'm thankful for my husband.
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  And this is framed this you put this in your home as as a framed
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  kind of little. Poem I look at it every day.
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  That's beautiful. And she says he has given me 8
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  great children. He has been a wonderful provider
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  protector. He cares about his own health.
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  He cares about my health and all of our health.
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  He has followed well, well his vocation and ministry as a
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  dedicated Dr. He enjoys my company.
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  He adores me. It's so sweet.
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  He had. He loves God and prays a lot.
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  He is thrilled to be a faithful Catholic again.
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  So that there was a time you weren't, it sounds like, and
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  then you came back to your faith.
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  He has a great relationship with all of his children and
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  especially Steven. Steven is your son with Down
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  syndrome, Very special guy. He is a good model of fatherhood
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  for his sons and son-in-law. He is very supportive of all his
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  children, generous and encouraging.
• 9:00
  He can handle a little abuse. What does that one mean?
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  And that happens. You can handle things.
• 9:13
  Yeah, you're tough. Things happen.
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  Not that she was trying to do it, but and and by a little
• 9:19
  abuse she she doesn't mean she's hitting you I'm guessing.
• 9:22
  We call it a when she's having a bad hair day.
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  OK, a bad hair day. Meaning she just has a bad
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  attitude or she's struggling. And you, you let it.
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  You, you, you take it in stride. Yeah, he is most.
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  He is most often patient, most often and tries to be
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  understanding. He is kind.
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  His enthusiasm for life is contagious, beautiful.
• 9:45
  Yeah. And you would do this for her.
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  You would make lists of what you loved about her.
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  Yeah, and and say so for, for let's say, and I, I say this to
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  wives, talking to wives, do this for your husband now and then,
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  you know, say Thanksgiving. It was an opportunity and I'm
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  sitting there. Can you imagine how I felt
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  listening to Martha? Wow.
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  In front of all your kids. There was no medicine in the
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  world couldn't give me those feel good feelings.
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  I, you know, tears of joy. So, so wives, women, you know,
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  write these things for your husband.
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  They need to hear them. I love that, yeah.
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  Praise each other. Encourage each other publicly.
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  Publicly, yeah. Especially in front of the
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  children, yeah. I want to get a little bit of
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  the back story of you and Martha before we get into more of this
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  marriage. Advice for a thriving marriage,
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  especially amidst the beautiful chaos of eight kids, including
• 10:44
  one with special needs. How did you and Martha meet?
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  Well, September 1965, the month that changed my life.
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  So I I'm I'm a senior medical student.
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  I'm sitting in the cafeteria at the University Hospital and sit
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  in the cafeteria and Tony, future best man in our wedding,
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  says Bill. Look at the smile on that new
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  nurse that just walked into the cafeteria.
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  Whoa. I was riveted.
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  I couldn't keep my eyes off her and when she finished eating, it
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  was like a magnet. She was a man magnet to me.
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  Anyway I followed her onto the elevator and one of my many dumb
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  and Dumber stories I'm this far from her on the elevator said
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  hello what's your name? And she has this big name tag on
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  her Miss Martha Mcmenamy RN and she points to her name tag as
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  is. Dummy can't you read?
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  So it gets better. So elevator goes up, we get out
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  on the same floor and one of the medical students comes running.
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  Hey Bill, we need your help. A cardiac arrest patient, heart
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  attack patient and room. We need your help.
• 12:07
  Now I was in medical school. I barely passed.
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  I had like AC minus. But when I went to the real life
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  of the hospital, Lila, I had a gift of of knowing this is
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  wrong. How to fix it?
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  I went from the C minus to a plus.
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  So I'm handling the cardiac arrest well that, you know, do
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  this, do that and do that. And after it was all over, I
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  look up and there's Martha looking and watching from the
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  door. So when I called her later for a
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  date, she thought I was a cardiologist instead of a poor
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  medical student. And 5 minutes into our first
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  date I knew that was it and and I was a stubborn male.
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  You knew that was it, Meaning you were like, you're going to
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  marry this. Girl, yeah, I was a stubborn
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  male. I I have programmed myself I'm
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  going to graduate from medical school, finish my internship,
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  finish my residency, go out and practice, and then maybe get
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  married and have a family. Well, 5 minutes into our first
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  date, that plan went out the window.
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  I knew that was it. I was hooked, says Bill.
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  Get out of your plan. This is it and the rest is
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  beautiful. How did you pursue her?
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  Was she also immediately interested in, I mean, she was
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  interested in you, clearly. Did she fall in love as quickly
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  as you did? And how?
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  How did the rest of your courtship unfold?
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  Well, about two months into our courtship, I was being a a jerk.
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  One night we were parked at the riverfront and she's I said to
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  her, Martha, I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
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  That movie Dumb and Dumber. OK.
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  And she looks at me with that look.
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  See, women can disarm a man by that beautiful look the same way
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  they do the children the other way they're disciplining
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  children. And I feel men can be miss big
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  kids sometimes they need to look.
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  And she looks at me lovingly and says I think you're wrong.
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  I love you. Bingo.
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  One month later I proposed 3 month courtship.
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  I proposed after three months. OK, I have.
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  I have to understand this. So you at two months, you were
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  ready to break up? Yeah.
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  Why I? I don't know, I, I, I, I, I, I
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  can't remember say and and one thing is about the brain, which
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  is good. I try not to reflect on negative
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  memories because they're not as accurate as positive memories.
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  So I remember more what she said, that I think you're wrong,
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  I love you, than what I actually said to squirm out of it.
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  I love you. I remember that.
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  And so that was it. One month later I proposed.
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  So it sounds like she had this, this incredible strength.
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  She was always very strong, but it was very wrapped with this
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  tender love and that was very alluring to you and it gave you
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  confidence that you could be the man she needed.
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  Exactly she had she had a way of conveying that and see it's
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  called it was actually a whole study on this Lila called mirror
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  neurons. Mirror neurons, I call it
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  marriage brain. Say where say a Martha said to
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  me that night, I love you. Well, her look and those words
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  came into my brain into the into the center of your brain, the
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  happy center where you have feel good hormone and lit up my brain
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  and lit up my brain. And that's what I think women
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  are kind of better than that, than men of lighting up a person
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  around you by the way they do. And so that's what led to my
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  proposal. We've had a lot of different
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  relationship experts on the podcast and one thing that's
• 16:59
  been consistent, whether it's Adam Lane Smith or it's Allison
• 17:02
  Armstrong or others, I think some of the best advice we've
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  heard about this question of men feeling ready to commit and
• 17:09
  women, you know, coming together and ultimately getting married
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  is the man has to feel the confidence that he can give her
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  what she needs and wants and she can receive his love and he can
• 17:24
  be the man he is called to be. But if he doesn't feel he can
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  give her what she needs and also receive obviously her love from
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  her, then he'll walk away. And so it sounds like something
• 17:35
  that Martha did that US women can learn from, especially if
• 17:38
  we're in a relationship with the guy we love or certainly in a
• 17:40
  marriage with the man we've married, is to signal confidence
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  in him that he can be the man. He can take the, the hard times
• 17:52
  and the good times and he can, he can bring her ultimately the
• 17:58
  everything she needs to be happy ultimately.
• 18:01
  I mean, that's again, we need God, obviously, but you know, in
• 18:03
  this human sense in, in a marriage or in a relationship.
• 18:06
  And and that that's an important point.
• 18:08
  You just mentioned that. See, Martha sort of open the
• 18:12
  door to my brain and got me. Oh my gosh, Martha is saying
• 18:19
  these beautiful words to me. She's opening my brain, she's
• 18:24
  telling me how she feels about me and she's wow, how do I feel
• 18:32
  about her? I need to then communicate to
• 18:36
  her better how I feel about her and that's what led to our
• 18:41
  proposal, you know, she said. I realize she's a woman for me,
• 18:49
  but she had to maybe prod me a little bit.
• 18:55
  What was the the proposal? My proposal?
• 18:58
  Well, well, I I think I win the award for the dumbest proposal
• 19:04
  ever. So first of all, where I
• 19:07
  proposed, we're sitting in the front seat of my Volkswagen
• 19:11
  Beetle in a garage, a beat up old garage.
• 19:17
  Friday night, we're going to the fraternity party in the
• 19:20
  fraternity house. It was Friday night, fraternity
• 19:23
  parties, a rowdy fraternity party.
• 19:24
  I'm sitting in the garage and I said to Martha, oh, I have good
• 19:30
  news to tell you about. I've just been accepted for
• 19:33
  internship at the number one hospital in the country, Boston
• 19:38
  Children's Hospital of Harvard Medical School.
• 19:41
  So I'll be moving to Boston next summer.
• 19:46
  Pause. But I'd like you to move with
• 19:51
  me. Pause.
• 19:55
  But of course you'd have to change your last name from
• 19:58
  Mcmenamy to Sears. And I thought, well, that was
• 20:03
  dumb. So.
• 20:06
  But I'm glad it was a dumb and Dumber proposal because how she
• 20:12
  responded. Set the tone for our marriage.
• 20:17
  And she said to me, the answer is yes, but you've got to start
• 20:24
  over. See, now she could have put me
• 20:28
  down. And that's what I learned about
• 20:31
  Martha early on. When one person is down, the
• 20:38
  other person lifts them up. When one is being negative, the
• 20:42
  other person being positive. So she could have said to me,
• 20:46
  well, that was still, but no, no.
• 20:48
  Or been like, oh for me, that's how you're going to propose the.
• 20:51
  Answer is yes, period. And that was a wonderful way of
• 20:58
  lifting me up. So that was our marriage
• 21:01
  proposal and the rest. And then you started over.
• 21:05
  I love you. You're the most wonderful woman
• 21:07
  I've read. I.
• 21:08
  Can't even remember how I started over.
• 21:11
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  That's Presidio care.com/lila. You and Martha had this
• 22:56
  beautiful cadence of communication where you are very
• 23:00
  direct with each other. You told each other what you
• 23:03
  thought. She was not afraid to hot, you
• 23:05
  know, share what she thought about things.
• 23:07
  You, you just bared your heart to her.
• 23:09
  You know, you wore your emotions on your sleeve, just kind of
• 23:11
  shared everything. What are some of the
• 23:14
  communication tips that you recommend other couples to have
• 23:19
  to ensure there's real a real meeting of the soul and of
• 23:22
  course of the mind in in the relationship?
• 23:25
  I I love that term. You just said meeting of the
• 23:27
  souls. The term soulmate is beautiful.
• 23:32
  And it's funny you mentioned communication, Lila, as I was
• 23:35
  walking out of the house today, our daughter is visiting and
• 23:38
  she's married and I said Aaron, got any tips for good marriage?
• 23:43
  And she said just what you said, good communication, dad, where
• 23:48
  the husband and wife learn to communicate well with each
• 23:54
  other. And and that was that was so, so
• 24:00
  important that the kids they are kids remember and and Aaron
• 24:07
  remembered how you and mom communicated with each other
• 24:11
  when you felt something. You communicated like many
• 24:17
  times. Martha and I know how, heck, no
• 24:20
  matter how how hectic our family life was and with eight kids,
• 24:26
  you can imagine what our children remember, especially
• 24:30
  Doctor Bob. He's been on your show, he says.
• 24:33
  Dad, I remember. What I remember is no matter how
• 24:39
  hectic family life was, you and mom always had one day a week.
• 24:47
  What was your communication night?
• 24:51
  You were no kids. It was fondue night in front of
• 24:56
  the fireplace is I still remember crawling up to where
• 25:01
  you and mom has the fondue in from the fireplace and watching
• 25:05
  you and mom just sit and talk to each other and how she was
• 25:11
  talking, you were listening. I was talking, she was
• 25:15
  listening. And he says, I still remember
• 25:19
  your facial expressions and your your body language when you're
• 25:24
  both communicated. See a memorable moment for our
• 25:30
  children to remember how we communicated and see husbands,
• 25:35
  especially I, I think women are naturally better communicators
• 25:41
  in some way. So men have to become a better
• 25:45
  listener. And sometimes you just want to
• 25:50
  keep your mouth shut and listen and let her finish.
• 25:56
  Just listen, just listen. Become a listener.
• 26:01
  As for dads esecially and for husbands, become a good
• 26:05
  listener. I think that's good advice for
• 26:08
  the wife too. Exactly.
• 26:10
  Because I think sometimes as women, we talk, talk, talk.
• 26:13
  I know this is my marriage. I just tell my husband
• 26:15
  everything. He.
• 26:17
  Listens so well, but then I want to hear him.
• 26:20
  But then if he starts sharing back with me, let him actually
• 26:23
  share. Because if I let him talk
• 26:24
  uninterrupted, he shares a lot of very interesting things.
• 26:28
  But I might want to, you know, keep asking questions and then
• 26:31
  it can not give him the space to share.
• 26:33
  And that's why date nights are so, so important.
• 26:37
  When our kids remember, I remember.
• 26:39
  We remember your mom and your mom and date nights.
• 26:42
  Date nights. How did you make time for your
• 26:46
  marriage when you were both? She was a nurse.
• 26:48
  I know there were periods of time where she wasn't practicing
• 26:51
  as much because of all the kids, but she was working and she
• 26:53
  ended up working in your business.
• 26:55
  You were a very busy doctor, author, speaker, advisor.
• 27:03
  You have 8 kids, including one with special needs.
• 27:06
  What's the age gap, by the way, of the kids, the youngest to
• 27:08
  oldest? Well, the the the youngest is
• 27:11
  now 36 and the oldest is 60. So 24 years which is a This is a
• 27:17
  decent age age gap. They just, this kept coming and,
• 27:22
  and, and, but you mentioned the time.
• 27:27
  Ah, Martha and I always took time to be with one another,
• 27:34
  especially when the kids got older a bit.
• 27:37
  We travelled a lot, speaking, speaking towards.
• 27:41
  We got invited places. And that's when I had to learn
• 27:46
  to listen, be a better listener because I'm, I'm kind of a beach
• 27:50
  bum. I like to go to Hawaii and just
• 27:52
  be a beach bum. Martha likes to travel to places
• 27:56
  with museums and art and all that.
• 27:59
  So when the Time magazine came article came out, we had a bunch
• 28:04
  of invitations to go. And one was Poland.
• 28:10
  I want to go Hawaii. She wanted to go to Poland.
• 28:13
  Oh, OK, I say I'll make you a deal.
• 28:15
  I'll go to Poland with you. Give me two Hawaii trips.
• 28:18
  So we go to Poland together and I'm watching how she gets
• 28:25
  involved in all this history, you know, the history of the
• 28:29
  persecution and the monuments and the churches we went into.
• 28:36
  So I'm watching what pleases her.
• 28:40
  Wow. And I'm so glad that I said no
• 28:44
  to myself. Hawaii and went to Poland with
• 28:47
  her. So sometime with husband, just,
• 28:51
  you know, have that blending of what what pleases your wife,
• 28:55
  what pleases your husband. When you were with like in the
• 29:00
  thick of it, when the kids were little, you know, have all these
• 29:03
  kids, you have your son with special needs.
• 29:06
  What was the what were some of the tools that you used with
• 29:10
  Martha to make sure you made time for the marriage?
• 29:13
  Yeah, well, well the our first thing was our our date nights
• 29:20
  sometimes just staying home. Others were our kids saw that I
• 29:27
  was giving Martha things like like you were a house, the corny
• 29:31
  poems that all over our house. The kids love those they would
• 29:37
  watch them Ma and and their their refrain was dad, you
• 29:44
  really love mom, your mom, you really love dad.
• 29:48
  Or they say that sometimes at a family dinners, mom and dad, we
• 29:54
  see how you 2 love one another. And we had funny moments, funny
• 30:02
  moments, funny memories. And and the biggest was about 30
• 30:08
  years ago, I had a serious illness that I needed a major
• 30:12
  operation for and at mission at local hospital and I'm coming
• 30:18
  out of anesthesia and all the eight kids are around in the
• 30:23
  recovery room as I'm coming out of anesthesia and as you're
• 30:28
  coming out of anesthesia called being loopy.
• 30:31
  Ah, your brain, the file, your brain's like a big file cabinet,
• 30:37
  Lila. And sometimes during coming out
• 30:42
  of stage, you just say things. They're buried in your file
• 30:45
  cabinet. They're important.
• 30:46
  And so I start saying as a kids all around, mom and kids, OK,
• 30:52
  mom and kids, OK, mom and kids, OK, Matt said.
• 30:57
  I said that over 20 times, and they're, you know, tears in
• 31:01
  their eyes, mom and kids, OK. Like asking are they OK?
• 31:04
  Yeah, and and because I'm under still under the effects of
• 31:09
  anesthesia, but that that was the thought that took over my
• 31:13
  mind. Mom and kids, OK, Mom and kids.
• 31:16
  OK. And then I, as I was coming out
• 31:19
  getting more coherent, I ended with, and don't let mom off the
• 31:23
  boat with the credit card. We, we used to take boating
• 31:28
  trips as a family and Martha would frugal Martha would maybe
• 31:32
  spend a little bit on the cruise.
• 31:34
  So don't let mom off the boat with her credit card.
• 31:37
  So see, these are memories you want to leave.
• 31:41
  You want to leave your children with good marriage memories,
• 31:50
  memories that last a lifetime, but also memories that have a
• 31:54
  marriage lesson for her mom and kids.
• 31:57
  OK, bingo. That's so beautiful.
• 32:01
  I think about my childhood. We had Bible verses all over the
• 32:04
  house, which helped me appreciate scripture and learn
• 32:08
  Scripture. But I love this thing that you
• 32:11
  and Martha did. Basically you created little
• 32:13
  monuments in your own home like these, you know, little framed,
• 32:17
  you know, love lists. And then you have this is
• 32:19
  another example. I know this was in your home.
• 32:21
  I've been to your home. A beautiful like Valentine's
• 32:24
  card about what you love about your wife Martha.
• 32:27
  And it was in the home for the children to see and witness.
• 32:31
  It wasn't like mom and dad had this private relationship over
• 32:34
  here. You lived your relationship
• 32:37
  publicly in that sense. You know, obviously it's not
• 32:39
  public public, but you lived your relationship openly in
• 32:42
  front of the kids in terms of the affection, the words of
• 32:45
  affirmation, the mutual respect and the carving out of time even
• 32:50
  in front of them. Like, we're going to go sit over
• 32:52
  here and have a conversation. Will you all play?
• 32:55
  And I think that creates such a sense of security for kids to
• 33:01
  know their parents love each other.
• 33:02
  And you just mentioned sharing. That's what you're doing.
• 33:06
  You're sharing with each other, but you're also sharing
• 33:09
  information with your kids. And one of the things our kids
• 33:13
  remember most is mom and dad. You took up dancing lessons.
• 33:20
  Dancing became our fun hobby and well, I was.
• 33:25
  Martha was a beautiful dancer. I was a Klaus took me 5 years of
• 33:31
  dancing lessons and it was it was the kids would laugh and I'm
• 33:37
  dancing and I'm holding a cue card behind Martha's back.
• 33:41
  Turn left, turn right as she says honey.
• 33:44
  And she said Bill put put the card down.
• 33:49
  Just follow the music and eventually I became a good
• 33:53
  dancer and the kids remember mom and dad dancing on our
• 33:59
  anniversaries, Christmas time, any family get together, we'd
• 34:04
  put music on like our favorite was Jingle Bell Rock at
• 34:08
  Christmas time and we would dance for 5 minutes.
• 34:12
  And the kids remember that and they're taking videos of that.
• 34:17
  And so far, our 50th wedding anniversary, I compose another
• 34:22
  corny poem. I'm up there and says, dear
• 34:28
  Martha, 50 years ago when you said I do, did you really think
• 34:34
  it through? But then you knew our marriage
• 34:38
  had a chance when your klutzy husband learned how to dance.
• 34:46
  So sweet and fun. We had a Arthur and Esther
• 34:49
  Brooks on the podcast recently. Beautiful couple and one of the
• 34:53
  things that Arthur shared in terms of marriage health was the
• 34:57
  importance of fun. Fun.
• 35:01
  How did you and Martha have fun and what do you think the
• 35:04
  importance of fun is in a marriage?
• 35:06
  Well, we had, we had fun. One of the things Martha, I
• 35:15
  remember her phrase go outside and play was her top discipline
• 35:23
  tip for our kids. And for me when I'm just being a
• 35:28
  big kid sometime go outside and play the beauty of nature.
• 35:33
  So Martha and I learned early in our marriage, the more time
• 35:38
  outside we can spend taking walks to the park together,
• 35:43
  walks on the beach together. When we take trips together,
• 35:48
  take walks in the woods together, it's called forest
• 35:52
  bathing. There's a whole science on
• 35:56
  couples walking in the woods together, how it mellows your
• 36:01
  mind. So we would take a lot of walks
• 36:04
  together out in nature in addition to dancing.
• 36:10
  And we would make we would make a couple time fun with our
• 36:15
  writing and we would make couple time fun when we had all these
• 36:21
  TV shows. And I remember Martha was funny
• 36:26
  on television because I remember what I call her one liners.
• 36:34
  This one liners. Like one time I said to her,
• 36:37
  honey, how did you choose me as your husband?
• 36:41
  You had all the all these guys around who were handsome, more
• 36:45
  handsome than me and all that. And she says, I knew you had
• 36:49
  potential, maybe Patrick. And we're on Good Morning
• 36:53
  America promoting a book called the ADD Book, attention deficit
• 37:01
  disorder, ADHD, hyperactivity. And Joan Lunden asked Martha,
• 37:06
  she said, Martha, where did you get the material for your ADD
• 37:12
  book? And she says on national
• 37:15
  television, it's my husband's autobiography.
• 37:21
  And then we're on the Today Show with Katie Couric.
• 37:24
  And Katie asked, Martha, Martha, how did your husband, you and
• 37:28
  your husband, how do your your marriage survive writing all
• 37:32
  these books together? And she says, Bill Wright said,
• 37:38
  I fix it. Is it?
• 37:41
  You know, so we had fun times together and she always had
• 37:45
  funny little one sayings like this that I remember.
• 37:49
  And that was part of your relationship as you are very
• 37:52
  loving and encouraging of each other, but you also teased each
• 37:54
  other a lot. We would laugh a lot and Martha
• 37:57
  would put up with what she called my dumb male jokes, you
• 38:00
  know, and breastfeeding. OK Martha Breastfed 8 children,
• 38:07
  19 years of breastfeeding. Wow.
• 38:11
  Including a special needs child and an adopted child.
• 38:14
  And I I. She breastfed the adopted child.
• 38:17
  And, and, and I would, I would call it Martha's Restaurant.
• 38:23
  Like her restaurant, I'd say Martha's restaurant is open now.
• 38:29
  And she put up with that. She would put up with my crazy
• 38:34
  male jokes. So we we'd laugh and Martha's
• 38:38
  restaurant is open now and but see with the I just admired her
• 38:46
  so much how she overcame obstacles and how she persevered
• 38:58
  with Lila. I want to give you a compliment
• 39:03
  your mission. You know what's right and what's
• 39:06
  wrong, not what not, what is politically correct all the
• 39:11
  time. Martha had the same mindset.
• 39:14
  This is right, this is wrong. I don't care what the books say.
• 39:18
  I don't care what the politics is.
• 39:20
  This is right. This is wrong.
• 39:23
  I'm going to stick to it and my family is also going to stick to
• 39:27
  it. Beautiful.
• 39:29
  I, I mean, learning about Martha, your work has been an
• 39:34
  inspiration to me. I know she's been an
• 39:36
  inspiration. To millions of women or baby
• 39:38
  Steven came along. It's really hard to find good
• 39:42
  content to watch with my kids for when they are allowed to
• 39:45
  have screen time. I'm always on the lookout for
• 39:47
  low stimulating, story driven and values based kids content.
• 39:51
  That's why I'm very excited about Brave Plus.
• 39:54
  Brave Plus is a new streaming platform with content that
• 39:57
  reinforces our values instead of undermining them.
• 40:00
  Every show is vetted by real Christian parents, not only to
• 40:04
  screen out messages that are harmful, but to also avoid over
• 40:07
  stimulating video content that's linked to mental and behavior.
• 40:11
  Issues and when you check it out, you'll find classics like
• 40:13
  Strawberry Shortcake, Babar, Paddington, as well as new shows
• 40:17
  like season 2 of Iggy and Mr. Kirk starring Kirk Cameron.
• 40:21
  And right now, just for my listeners, you can try Brave
• 40:23
  Plus free for seven days. Go to braveplus.com/lila.
• 40:27
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• 41:23
  What lessons did you and Martha learn from the birth of your
• 41:26
  eight kids? Well, you know, as you're
• 41:28
  talking, I'm imagining again. I'm just imagining.
• 41:32
  You have an incredible ministry. You do.
• 41:37
  If I were your husband, Joe, I would my admiration for you
• 41:43
  would go way up because of your ministry.
• 41:47
  And that's what that's what helped our marriage too.
• 41:52
  Baby #4 Hayden. We had just moved from Toronto
• 42:00
  when we were getting our marriage back together and
• 42:04
  Martha knew I was not cut out for academic medicine.
• 42:08
  I just want to be a small town doc.
• 42:10
  So we got a call one day to from Hilton Head Island.
• 42:15
  They just built a big hospital down there and they needed a
• 42:19
  pediatrician. I said, honey, how about let's
• 42:22
  move to Hilton Head Island? I'll take a sabbatical and we'll
• 42:27
  just have fun together. And so every time we moved,
• 42:32
  another kid came. But so Hayden marriage, so it
• 42:36
  was Martha was about due to deliver Hayden #4 and our hostel
• 42:43
  didn't have obstetrical facilities, so we would have to
• 42:47
  go an hour and a half to Savannah.
• 42:50
  And Martha has fast and furious laborers.
• 42:53
  So and, and I, I was not a fan of home births at all.
• 42:59
  And so I said, honey, you know, I think the safest place for you
• 43:03
  to do is to stay home and I will arrange the bedroom and all,
• 43:09
  just in case there's a problem. And I'm sitting there, Martha's
• 43:14
  in labor and I'm watching her and nobody's around to tell her
• 43:22
  what to do. All she did is followed her God
• 43:26
  giving mother's instinct. See birth to me watching and any
• 43:33
  man who's not seen a birth, go watch a birth and there'll be no
• 43:39
  doubt who the stronger sex is. But I'm watching Martha and what
• 43:44
  I call the hormonal Symphony of birth where the music is loud
• 43:52
  and strong, the music is soft and calm, and her body is just
• 43:59
  in rhythm with that. She's squatting, she's bending
• 44:03
  over, she's doing. Her body is following what her
• 44:07
  God-given instinct told her. And I said, this is the way
• 44:12
  birth should be. Wow.
• 44:16
  And after her birth, I said, honey, we need to start writing
• 44:22
  books about this because then it was the books were all about
• 44:30
  baby training and kind of like raising babies like pets.
• 44:36
  And so we started writing and she, she taught her saying we we
• 44:40
  need to teach parents how to get attached.
• 44:43
  So she coined the term attached what parenting?
• 44:47
  And we started writing together and, and I remember coming home
• 44:53
  at night after work and, and she'd, our, our living room was
• 44:57
  full of mothers in bloom where she would be teaching women how
• 45:03
  to get what they need. So you go into a doctor's
• 45:08
  office, job, Nutritions, Dr. my body, my baby, my birth.
• 45:16
  I just need you to be here to help me with that in case my
• 45:21
  birth plan needs some help. See.
• 45:25
  And Martha was responsible for today's birthing sweeps.
• 45:31
  You know, back in those days, women went into an operating
• 45:34
  room. But when women go in now to a
• 45:39
  hospital says show me your birthing suite.
• 45:42
  Show me your. And Martha said, be sure they
• 45:44
  have a hot tub. I remember Martha.
• 45:47
  Martha laboring in our hot tub. You're you're.
• 45:53
  Hot like an outdoor hot tub? And we had a hot tub.
• 45:56
  Wow. And she got labor.
• 45:58
  Wow. So every birthing suite now has
• 46:04
  a hot tub. Amazingly.
• 46:06
  And but the women had to ask for it.
• 46:10
  And hospitals. If you don't have a hot tub,
• 46:13
  I'll go find a hostel. Who does, see.
• 46:16
  But Martha Lila, she used what we learned to help motherhood.
• 46:23
  And I'm sitting back and think, wow, my wife got motherhood on
• 46:30
  track in the direction it should be.
• 46:36
  My wife. See, I appreciate my wife.
• 46:39
  My wife did that and that's good for the marriage.
• 46:44
  You and Martha have a beautiful son, Stephen, who has Down
• 46:47
  syndrome. What was it like when you and
• 46:49
  Martha found out that you were having a baby with Down
• 46:51
  syndrome? Well, Stephen, as she even
• 46:55
  raised our marriage to a higher level.
• 46:59
  I remember Stephen's birth. I saw Stephen.
• 47:05
  I knew right away he had Down syndrome.
• 47:08
  Did you know before? No.
• 47:10
  So you found out at birth? Yeah.
• 47:11
  Wow. Yeah, Now I remember that day
• 47:16
  and I remember in those days it was all sad.
• 47:22
  Oh, no. A child with Down syndrome,
• 47:25
  because they have a lot of medical problems and emotional
• 47:29
  problems and all that. And so I didn't say anything to
• 47:32
  Martha right away. I, I had to be.
• 47:35
  I I want to think about it. And I was sad and I remember
• 47:43
  saying to Martha as she's holding Stephen after a few
• 47:45
  hours as his honey, we have a special son, he has Down
• 47:52
  syndrome. She suspected something and her
• 47:58
  response lifted me up again. She said, Bill, we have a
• 48:07
  special needs child. He needs a special level of
• 48:13
  parenting. He has this, we will give him
• 48:19
  this now. And I thought, wow, her
• 48:25
  immediate response is turning a problem into an opportunity for
• 48:32
  growth, marriage growth. And it began with, see, children
• 48:38
  with Down syndrome hardly ever breastfeed because they they
• 48:42
  have very weak muscles. They can't suck.
• 48:48
  Six weeks of suck training, I'm watching Martha kind of stuffing
• 48:55
  her breast full of milk into Stephen's mouth and massaging
• 48:58
  his, his jaw, massaging her muscles so we would have
• 49:02
  stronger muscles. She'd work and work and work at
• 49:06
  him, and I'm watching her. Martha.
• 49:11
  God bless you, Martha. Bless you, Martha.
• 49:14
  And my admiration for her goes up and up and up and up.
• 49:21
  Six weeks after suck training, he became a fantastic nurser.
• 49:26
  He breastfed for 3 1/2 years. Amazing.
• 49:31
  And I think that 3 1/2 years worth of breast milk, now we
• 49:35
  know how many, what great brain building qualities are in breast
• 49:39
  milk. In those days it was just
• 49:42
  Martha's intuition. He needs my breast milk even
• 49:45
  more than a typical baby. Stephen turned out to be one of
• 49:50
  our healthiest babies. He we had them into sports.
• 49:57
  Very early on. I realized how important sports
• 50:02
  were. So I was his Little League coach
• 50:05
  for 20 years. He was hitting a baseball at
• 50:10
  two. He was hitting off me, pitching
• 50:15
  to him. When all the other kids were
• 50:18
  with the T-ball, he was hitting a pitch at 5:00.
• 50:23
  So we got Steven into sports. We kept him moving and running
• 50:29
  and exercising because they almost all Down shows with Down
• 50:33
  syndrome. They almost are always obese.
• 50:37
  We want to keep him lean, lean, lean lean became our buzzword
• 50:41
  for Stephen. Lean does not mean skinny.
• 50:44
  Lean means having the right proportion of muscle, bone and
• 50:49
  body fat for your body type. So Stephen became a blessing to
• 50:56
  our marriage. But mainly how?
• 50:59
  I saw Martha wearing him in a baby carrier and a baby sling,
• 51:06
  nursing him. She nursed him on national
• 51:10
  television. That's.
• 51:14
  Awesome. She, did she have a cover?
• 51:15
  Yeah, she, she had a cover. We're talking national
• 51:19
  television and she's with us and we're talking, we're we're
• 51:25
  talking about it was in Doctor Phil show me back and we're
• 51:30
  talking about nursing. And Steven starts to fuss and
• 51:38
  she just picks the, the carrier and plugs them in and keeps
• 51:45
  talking, you know, and the, you know, I'm, I'm making dumb male
• 51:54
  jokes about our little sucker and all that.
• 51:57
  And so, but she just, I don't know, she just had a way of
• 52:05
  writing things out. How old was he when she nursed
• 52:10
  him on National? Television, he was about a
• 52:12
  probably a year or so. I love that she brought him to
• 52:15
  the interview. Yeah, and it was just and I
• 52:20
  can't I, I can't remember exactly a television show where
• 52:24
  on, but it was it was wonderful that and I, I remember also we
• 52:31
  were invited over to Australia one time by the Minister of
• 52:37
  Health to increase breastfeeding rates.
• 52:42
  And she took she said, well, I, I'm not going to come without my
• 52:45
  nine month old errand. So she brings Aaron on to the
• 52:49
  show on to the the Mike Walsh show, the top television show.
• 52:54
  So Mike asked Martha, what do you do to calm a fussy baby at
• 53:03
  all? And she says on I show
• 53:06
  television, I give her a breast in the mouth.
• 53:12
  The audience cracked up. You know, they're thinking a
• 53:14
  bust in the mouth, a breast in the They cracked up.
• 53:17
  They laughed their heads off. Aaron got spooked.
• 53:20
  So Marshall on national television just instinctively
• 53:26
  puts Aaron to the breast. The camera zooms in on her
• 53:33
  mellowing Aaron. Aaron has this beautiful calm
• 53:37
  look on her face as she nursed. Bingo.
• 53:43
  Breastfeeding rates went way up. And so these are just memories I
• 53:47
  have of how Martha doing a What Comes naturally, that old song
• 53:53
  doing the What Comes naturally. When you have 8 kids, there's a
• 53:58
  lot of demands on your, your attention, a lot of people that
• 54:03
  need your eyes and heart and time, right?
• 54:07
  How did you and Martha navigate together making sure that each
• 54:11
  child had the attention that he or she needed, including Steven,
• 54:17
  who had special needs. So he had even more needs maybe
• 54:20
  than your average kid. Yeah, and each child was
• 54:23
  different. And you know, if it hadn't been
• 54:26
  for having some high need children like Aaron, like Laura
• 54:30
  Hayden. How many?
• 54:33
  How many were I need I? Call them #4 #5 baby, baby #4
• 54:38
  right, Hayden. So your most special needs
• 54:40
  wasn't Steven, it was Aaron. Yeah, Hayden #4 she raised our
• 54:45
  marriage up a not. We had three easy kids.
• 54:51
  They didn't sleep with us. We had their beds or they slept.
• 54:54
  They put them asleep. They went to sleep about a week
• 54:58
  after Hayden was born. I still remember the night that
• 55:03
  elevated our marriage. Hayden started crying from
• 55:07
  across the room. Martha says.
• 55:10
  I don't care what the books say, I have got to get some sleep.
• 55:15
  She brings Hayden into our bed and the little nursing pair
• 55:23
  drift off to sleep together. I'm wide awake.
• 55:28
  I'm looking at this. This is the way it's supposed to
• 55:32
  be. The mother knows the need level
• 55:36
  of the child and meets it so they both thrive together.
• 55:41
  See, thriving doesn't only deem growing.
• 55:45
  Thriving means getting the needs you need to build the brain you
• 55:50
  need. And that was Martha, and that's
• 55:55
  what led to us writing about attachment parenting.
• 55:59
  Would you with your 8 different kids, would you and Martha have
• 56:03
  regular conversations like this child?
• 56:05
  My gut tells me they need this, They need that.
• 56:07
  We should tweak this. We should tweak that.
• 56:09
  How did you, I guess, manage the process of raising those
• 56:13
  individual 8 kids? No, we we would have many.
• 56:15
  Even our date nights were often spent talking about our kids
• 56:19
  needs because it was a children, children.
• 56:25
  Our children were a blessing to our marriage.
• 56:28
  So there are times when negativity comes in.
• 56:32
  They're kind of a liability. No, they were our blessing.
• 56:37
  So I enjoyed listening to Martha talk about, listen, we'll say
• 56:44
  Hayden needs this. I remember talk.
• 56:47
  I remember the night we talked about Hayden.
• 56:51
  We were going out the door for our date night, Martha and I, no
• 56:56
  kids. We're walking out in the
• 56:59
  driveway ready to get in the car and outcomes running Hayden,
• 57:05
  outcomes running, Hayden wanting to go with us.
• 57:10
  And Martha says I think we need to take her with us.
• 57:16
  And I said, honey, I think you're right.
• 57:21
  Hey, and see that was an example.
• 57:25
  And then we we spent that evening a talking about the need
• 57:29
  level concept. Some children have a higher
• 57:33
  level of need to reach their level to thrive.
• 57:38
  We parents need to figure that out and no book can tell you
• 57:42
  that that was in the days of the books.
• 57:45
  Let them cry. 15 minutes the first night, 10 minutes the
• 57:49
  second night. No, no, no, no book can tell you
• 57:54
  how to take care of a child's cry, so Martha would.
• 57:58
  We would spend a lot of time talking about our children, what
• 58:02
  they needed and how we would give it to them.
• 58:06
  How did you and Martha figure out or determine whether your
• 58:10
  child was thriving or not? And what do you recommend for
• 58:14
  other families for them to help understand, for them to
• 58:17
  understand? Is my child thriving?
• 58:19
  Mother's intuition So now I'm just a simple male.
• 58:24
  OK, as a simple male, I think the female body and the female
• 58:33
  brain is God's greatest creation, that a female body can
• 58:41
  birth another body it. Is amazing.
• 58:44
  So I had to learn to respect mother's, mommy's brain, mommy
• 58:53
  intuition. Martha had a intuition and I'm
• 58:58
  going to sit back and support it.
• 59:02
  My role is to support her intuition, not change it, but to
• 59:12
  support it. But there are also times when I
• 59:18
  had to realize that mothers are overdoing it a bit.
• 59:24
  And I remember the night kid #8 you know, Lauren, Martha saying
• 59:32
  to me, oh, I don't have the time to take a shower.
• 59:37
  My baby needs me so much. Red flag Daddy brain click in
• 59:45
  Martha, you go take a shower. You go take some time off.
• 59:53
  Do something what you need Take a walk, go get a massage.
• 59:57
  Take time for yourself. I will father nurse.
• 1:00:02
  She looks at me what nursing means comforting.
• 1:00:07
  Not just breastfeeding fathers can nurse.
• 1:00:10
  I'm thinking, what can I do to calm a fussy baby?
• 1:00:13
  Well, I have a hairy chest just like to.
• 1:00:18
  I have a deep voice we call the neck Nestle.
• 1:00:22
  Some babies actually like the deeper voice better.
• 1:00:25
  And I was saying go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep.
• 1:00:30
  My little baby, one of us would be asleep.
• 1:00:36
  See. So there are times when a
• 1:00:40
  husband has to use the daddy brain when the mommy brain is
• 1:00:48
  burning out. I know in my marriage, our
• 1:00:51
  experience sometimes is I have my intuition, I share it with my
• 1:00:54
  husband. I'm often right, but not always
• 1:00:57
  because sometimes I have a fear or anxiety that he can help
• 1:01:01
  dispel. My husband using his perspective
• 1:01:03
  where he doesn't invalidate how I'm feeling, but he's like, Oh
• 1:01:06
  no, I think it's I think it's going to be OK.
• 1:01:08
  And he explains why it sounds like Martha didn't tend to worry
• 1:01:14
  the way maybe some other moms or wives might worry.
• 1:01:17
  What advice would you give to a married couple for managing
• 1:01:21
  worries or fears about their children or about their marriage
• 1:01:25
  or about their family? Yeah, great question.
• 1:01:29
  We experienced that because the women, female brain women are
• 1:01:38
  more sensitive. That's what makes them lovely to
• 1:01:44
  be with. Sometimes not.
• 1:01:46
  All the time. And, and, but see, sensitivity
• 1:01:52
  is a word that's misunderstood. I see teenagers being brought
• 1:01:57
  in, you teenage girls, and they're saying, Oh, my friends
• 1:02:04
  say you're too sensitive, you're so sensitive.
• 1:02:09
  Say sensitivity is a gift. It's the first thing I say to
• 1:02:13
  the girl. Sensitivity is a gift.
• 1:02:17
  Our world needs more sensitive people.
• 1:02:21
  May the problems of the world are due to insensitive people,
• 1:02:25
  people not caring inside. Celebrate your sensitivity.
• 1:02:31
  My first message and I help husbands, men understand that
• 1:02:39
  the sensitive female brain is there for a reason.
• 1:02:44
  You are there to support it. So when your wife is worrying a
• 1:02:50
  lot, you need to step in and figure what can you do to keep
• 1:02:57
  her from worrying? Take her on a date, praise her a
• 1:03:02
  bit. Honey, you're doing a you're
• 1:03:05
  doing a great job. Our kids love this.
• 1:03:10
  Thank you for being such a sensitive wife and mother.
• 1:03:17
  So. But husbands do need to.
• 1:03:19
  That's the term quirk. I don't like the term quirk
• 1:03:24
  because it's negative, but it's not.
• 1:03:26
  It's just women are more sensitive and makes them
• 1:03:30
  beautiful, which means that the husband needs to realize how to
• 1:03:38
  change that worry into don't worry.
• 1:03:44
  And sometimes you just have to say, like I did with Martha, go
• 1:03:48
  take a break. I'll take over.
• 1:03:52
  You and Martha adopted a child? Yes.
• 1:03:54
  Which number was that baby? The last baby?
• 1:03:57
  The last baby? A little girl.
• 1:03:59
  Little girl. Tell me about why you chose to
• 1:04:02
  adopt and then the impact of adoption on your marriage and
• 1:04:05
  family. It was that marriage brain
• 1:04:08
  again, the blending of brains or the blending of brains.
• 1:04:13
  So we're sitting at our table with a probably Easter,
• 1:04:17
  Christmas, one of these big family dinners.
• 1:04:19
  We have big family dinners and a relative, a relative is pregnant
• 1:04:29
  with a baby. She's in her nurse's training,
• 1:04:33
  single, and we see her sitting across from us, but she has some
• 1:04:39
  tears in her eye. I said I don't know what what's
• 1:04:46
  how can we help? What?
• 1:04:47
  What's wrong because this is fun time.
• 1:04:50
  She had tears in her eye and she said I'm having trouble picking
• 1:04:57
  out parents to adopt my baby. I know I can't raise my baby.
• 1:05:05
  I'm a young 17 year old student. But I the fact of passing my
• 1:05:12
  dear baby over to a stranger, I'm having trouble with that.
• 1:05:17
  And I'm sitting next to Martha. I know what she's thinking.
• 1:05:22
  Mommy brain and daddy brain are starting to think alike.
• 1:05:26
  And I look at Martha says, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
• 1:05:30
  She goes like this. So I said, Suzanne, we have an
• 1:05:36
  idea. We would be honored to adopt
• 1:05:41
  your baby. Pause and you can then be as
• 1:05:46
  involved or uninvolved as you wish.
• 1:05:51
  My my suggestion is that you be godmother.
• 1:05:56
  So sweet. You be godmother.
• 1:05:59
  So Lauren grows up with godmother and then at some point
• 1:06:06
  when you wish, we'll tell her that you're her birth mother.
• 1:06:12
  Lauren assisted knowing at 13 when we told her, see, so that
• 1:06:20
  was how we adopted her. But but it was again, the
• 1:06:24
  marriage brains. I knew what Martha was thinking.
• 1:06:28
  She knew what I was thinking and the rest is dutiful history.
• 1:06:34
  And she we're the birth Suzanne at at Laura's birth and Martha's
• 1:06:44
  her labor coach. OK, her doula and I told the
• 1:06:49
  nurse, I said you better call the the obstetrician pretty soon
• 1:06:53
  she's going to live her. And the nurse said, come on,
• 1:06:55
  she's a young teenager, it's going to be ours.
• 1:06:57
  I said my wife knows how to get women moving.
• 1:07:00
  Shall we say she didn't listen. So outcomes Lauren and I brag.
• 1:07:08
  I said I delivered Lauren. Martha goes ballistic.
• 1:07:13
  Men catch babies, women deliver babies.
• 1:07:16
  But anyway, I caught Lauren and that's how she came into our
• 1:07:22
  world. And then we had, we went to the
• 1:07:26
  recovery room and we had two beds, the birth mother's bed as
• 1:07:32
  she's pumping her milk and Martha's in the next bed.
• 1:07:37
  And Suzanne is pumping her colostrum into a little jar and
• 1:07:43
  Martha is giving it to Lauren because we knew the importance
• 1:07:51
  of that mother's milk and that first few minutes to hours.
• 1:07:57
  And the nurses are looking. Wow, we've never seen this
• 1:08:01
  before. And then Martha breastfed.
• 1:08:04
  Yeah. And.
• 1:08:05
  Then Martha. How was she?
• 1:08:07
  Able to do that? She had just finished
• 1:08:10
  breastfeeding so she was leaking a little bit, so so.
• 1:08:15
  She had another baby that she hadn't fully weaned.
• 1:08:17
  Yeah, so, so she, she, she came, Lauren came 3 1/2 / 3 1/2 years
• 1:08:25
  after Steven. And so Martha would put Lauren
• 1:08:30
  to her breast and pump her breast a bit, pump her breast.
• 1:08:35
  And then we had in my office, we had milk moms.
• 1:08:38
  I'd have moms coming to my office.
• 1:08:41
  New mother says, oh, I'm leaking so much milk.
• 1:08:44
  Oh, really? Step in the other room, have
• 1:08:47
  some snacks. I would bring home 32 ounces of
• 1:08:52
  donor milk to Lauren every day for two years.
• 1:08:58
  And it's funny, Lauren will be out somewhere and some lady will
• 1:09:04
  come up. Lauren, I was one of your milk
• 1:09:06
  moms. How cute.
• 1:09:08
  And I remember she was on a date one night as a teenager and some
• 1:09:12
  lady comes up. I was one of your milk moms.
• 1:09:15
  And Lauren got embarrassed trying to explain her to her
• 1:09:20
  mail date what a milk mom is. So we laughed a lot.
• 1:09:25
  There's a lot of debate today about adoption because it can be
• 1:09:29
  so beautiful and it can also save a child's life because with
• 1:09:33
  abortion, there's 3000 abortions a day, which is horrific.
• 1:09:37
  And adoption is this beautiful option to replace taking the
• 1:09:40
  life of a baby. But there's some people who say,
• 1:09:43
  well, adoption leads to trauma. Adoption, you know, creates
• 1:09:47
  these bad outcomes for the kid because now they're not being
• 1:09:50
  raised by their biological parents.
• 1:09:52
  What would you say to that? Wrong and wrong.
• 1:10:00
  And we went through that thought process.
• 1:10:04
  The birth mother, her name is Suzanne.
• 1:10:09
  She, we see her a lot. She's part of the family.
• 1:10:15
  She thanks us all the time, she says.
• 1:10:18
  I can't imagine the memories I would have had if I had given
• 1:10:24
  her up to estrange me. I have to live with those
• 1:10:27
  memories for my whole life. You've given me good memories
• 1:10:35
  and the memories I I just can't I, I think Lila, the worst
• 1:10:40
  memory in the whole life I can imagine a woman having is to
• 1:10:46
  takes the life of their unborn child.
• 1:10:49
  To me it's. Devastating.
• 1:10:50
  That would be the biggest trauma, and I have seen that
• 1:10:56
  they never ever completely recover, no matter how much
• 1:11:01
  psychology at all, because inside they knew it was wrong.
• 1:11:08
  And when especially a woman goes against her God-given intuition,
• 1:11:14
  she's going to suffer and pay the price.
• 1:11:17
  What can adoptive families do? And what were some of the things
• 1:11:21
  you and Martha did for Lauren to shore up her sense of identity?
• 1:11:27
  Because that's one of the concerns folks have for children
• 1:11:31
  who are adopted, that they'll be feeling adrift or at loss
• 1:11:35
  because they're adopted, but they have this longing maybe for
• 1:11:39
  their biological parents. Yeah.
• 1:11:42
  And. But it's interesting, Lauren, I
• 1:11:47
  think early on she knew she knew something that was different
• 1:11:56
  because everybody, all the rest of the seven kids had brown
• 1:12:00
  eyes, dark hair, and she is a blonde with blue eyes.
• 1:12:07
  So I think she realized early on, but you know, she, she eased
• 1:12:15
  into that and then when we knew it was starting to trouble, not
• 1:12:21
  trouble her, but she had questions, that's when we needed
• 1:12:25
  to introduce her to her biological mother.
• 1:12:28
  So she coped very well. She coped very well.
• 1:12:32
  And I think it's funny, I think one time I, we were, we had, I
• 1:12:37
  have date nights with my daughters, date nights and we
• 1:12:41
  were on a date night and she said, you know, daddy, I love
• 1:12:49
  that daddy. I kind of have two moms.
• 1:12:55
  My birth mom is still in my life and my adopting mom, my mother,
• 1:13:04
  my call mother. So I'm, I'm blessed.
• 1:13:09
  So it it became a positive thing for her to think about.
• 1:13:14
  And it was a it's it's extra love for her.
• 1:13:16
  She had experienced it as extra love.
• 1:13:19
  And you didn't hide it from her, but you also didn't push it on
• 1:13:22
  her. Because I think that's another
• 1:13:23
  question families who adopt have, should we just tell them
• 1:13:26
  really young, like you're not there's another mom in the
• 1:13:28
  picture? Or should we hide it from them
• 1:13:31
  their whole like what? What's the timing of telling
• 1:13:34
  them about their unique circumstances of their.
• 1:13:37
  We would wait until they ask, you know, don't ask, don't tell
• 1:13:46
  their philosophy. And when they, when we saw it
• 1:13:49
  started, it started with Lauren. When we started seeing that she
• 1:13:55
  was thinking about this, that's we said we need to tell her and
• 1:14:02
  it worked out great. I have a couple friends who have
• 1:14:07
  experienced just the great beauty of adoption and they
• 1:14:10
  think it's such a blessing. They're in it the thick of it
• 1:14:14
  right now. So they're children whose
• 1:14:16
  parents were not able to care for them.
• 1:14:18
  The mother in one situation, everything had a drug addiction
• 1:14:20
  and another situation had severe mental health issues.
• 1:14:24
  They're raising these beautiful kids, but they've had some
• 1:14:27
  issues where the child has expressed why didn't my mother
• 1:14:31
  want me? What advice would you give that
• 1:14:35
  adoptive family? Yeah, And what you just said,
• 1:14:38
  why didn't my mother want me? See if I if we heard that, we
• 1:14:45
  would quickly change it from a negative to a positive.
• 1:14:52
  See if an adopting adopted child thinks why didn't my mother want
• 1:14:56
  me? We quickly change it to your
• 1:15:02
  mother wanted for you Lauren, the best life you could have
• 1:15:10
  point #1 She was honest enough inside to realize that she could
• 1:15:18
  not give you the life that you need.
• 1:15:25
  She realized that she couldn't give you the life you needed,
• 1:15:29
  but she realizes that the adopting family could give you
• 1:15:35
  the life you need. See.
• 1:15:38
  So that's how we handled it to change it from it wasn't a
• 1:15:42
  negative. Your mother did the right thing
• 1:15:45
  because she loves you. She will always love you.
• 1:15:48
  She'll always think about you and she'll always be happy that
• 1:15:53
  she made the decision that you got a better life.
• 1:15:59
  Beautiful. Towards the end of Martha's
• 1:16:02
  life, you were her caretaker, yes.
• 1:16:06
  What did you learn about marriage and what advice would
• 1:16:08
  you give others about that experience of being the
• 1:16:11
  caretaker for your spouse? Sorry, one of the most
• 1:16:20
  incredible 3 years of our marriage life.
• 1:16:25
  So about 3 years before Martha went to heaven, she got long
• 1:16:31
  haul COVID. She had four doctors.
• 1:16:39
  She was on hostas care at home. She was in the hospital a lot,
• 1:16:45
  but she spent most of her time at home.
• 1:16:49
  So I remember the day that the hostas doctor said, Bill, she's
• 1:16:58
  probably going to live three months at the most, three
• 1:17:03
  months. I couldn't handle that.
• 1:17:08
  The love of my life, part of me. See, by that time it was the
• 1:17:14
  blending of brains. She was part of me.
• 1:17:17
  Part of me was not ready to leave me.
• 1:17:21
  So I said no, no, no, whatever it takes, Martha's not going to
• 1:17:28
  go to heaven in three months. And maybe it was selfish, I
• 1:17:32
  don't know. That's how I felt.
• 1:17:34
  So. And she had feeding tubes and
• 1:17:37
  oxygen tubes and all that. So I spent a lot of time
• 1:17:43
  developing a 22 ingredient smoothie, high protein smoothie
• 1:17:52
  with all kinds of ingredient and I would feed her she couldn't
• 1:17:57
  feed herself by teaspoon and she would she would drink 12 to 12/8
• 1:18:07
  cups. Big, big smoothie.
• 1:18:10
  Each day she gained back 25 LB that she had lost.
• 1:18:17
  She was able to walk with a Walker.
• 1:18:21
  We would make believe dance you know we'd put Jingle Bell rock
• 1:18:26
  or in the mood was our favorite in the mood from is our favorite
• 1:18:32
  dance music and we pretend she lived 2 1/2 more years in our
• 1:18:41
  home. I took off from work no travel
• 1:18:46
  her. It was interesting, Lila, from
• 1:18:50
  morning till night, her life was my life.
• 1:18:56
  Whatever she needed, I had to get out of my selfish self.
• 1:19:04
  It was all Martha. I learned so much about love.
• 1:19:09
  I learned that true love, least for a man, was getting
• 1:19:15
  completely out of myself into what she needs.
• 1:19:19
  Now, I shouldn't say completely because I remember I had to keep
• 1:19:25
  healthy myself. That was my motivation.
• 1:19:28
  I can't help her if I'm not healthy.
• 1:19:31
  And so she lived, you know, a total of 2 1/2 years longer than
• 1:19:39
  they expected her. And I remember the day she went
• 1:19:46
  to heaven. Were you expecting it?
• 1:19:49
  Yeah, the day she went to heaven, I remember the morning,
• 1:19:59
  that morning, the Hospice nurses came and he said and they said
• 1:20:04
  Bill and their experience, she's probably going to pass.
• 1:20:11
  They call it, they did. I called it go to heaven.
• 1:20:13
  They use pass. She's probably going to pass in
• 1:20:16
  the next 24 hours. Be prepared.
• 1:20:22
  So that morning, I asked Martha. I said, honey, how do you want
• 1:20:35
  me to carry on our legacy, our legacy of all the things she had
• 1:20:42
  done? And she looked at me, she said
• 1:20:50
  she gave me 3 marching orders. Keep healthy, love God and serve
• 1:21:01
  people. Wow, my 3 marching orders.
• 1:21:09
  And that night I'm sitting next to her bed.
• 1:21:15
  The family's all around because we call them in even great
• 1:21:21
  grandkids. We had a A3 and A5 year old
• 1:21:24
  great grandchild. Bye bye grandmother, bye bye
• 1:21:29
  grandmother. And and Martha, she insisted on
• 1:21:33
  being called grandmother, not grandma, grandmother, bye bye
• 1:21:40
  grandmother. So I'm sitting there.
• 1:21:47
  She couldn't talk, her eyes are closed, face still beautiful,
• 1:21:53
  and she opens her eyes halfway, opens her lips and I could read
• 1:21:59
  her lips and she looks lovingly at me.
• 1:22:03
  I love you, were her parting words to me.
• 1:22:09
  I love you. And she drifts off to her, her
• 1:22:15
  eternal rest. And my three daughters are
• 1:22:20
  there. And their last words to Martha
• 1:22:23
  were Mommy. I love that term.
• 1:22:27
  Mommy, Mommy, that beautiful. I can't think of another word if
• 1:22:34
  I were female that I would want to hear Mommy.
• 1:22:39
  That word stays in my life forever.
• 1:22:44
  I'm so sorry for your loss. What a tremendous loss.
• 1:22:49
  But heaven's gain and her she lives on.
• 1:22:54
  Her spirit obviously is in is here and her work through you
• 1:22:59
  and your family and your grandchildren and your great
• 1:23:02
  grandchildren lives on. Dr. Sears, this has been amazing
• 1:23:09
  as usual. Thank you so much for your life
• 1:23:13
  of love and sharing it with other people.
• 1:23:15
  Thank you Lila and see I, I believe Martha looking down on
• 1:23:19
  us and she's smiling and she thank you Lila for the ministry
• 1:23:29
  and thank you Lila for letting Bill share some of our Mary's
• 1:23:35
  tips. They that may help a million
• 1:23:38
  people out there have a happier marriage.
• 1:23:42
  Yes, and they're talking about heaven.
• 1:23:45
  And so we'll do a quick teaser here.
• 1:23:47
  You and I are working on a new project.
• 1:23:49
  Yes, thank you. And it's called chaley, which
• 1:23:53
  actually means heaven, which is pretty cool, or sky, but can
• 1:23:55
  mean heaven. What are you most excited about
• 1:23:58
  for Chaley? Our parenting model, Martha and
• 1:24:02
  I, was giving parents, helping parents give their children the
• 1:24:09
  tools to succeed in life. And I think that's what Chaylee
• 1:24:16
  is going to do, help parents give their children mental,
• 1:24:24
  physical and spiritual tools to succeed in life.
• 1:24:30
  I'm so excited. I'm so excited for moms and
• 1:24:34
  families to find each other to do this together.
• 1:24:36
  Part of Chaylee is that community and then those
• 1:24:39
  incredible resources, those tools that you've spent your
• 1:24:42
  entire life developing and now you are sharing through Chaley
• 1:24:47
  with the world again. You've shared them before, but
• 1:24:49
  in this new way that's so accessible and easy for people
• 1:24:53
  to access. Thank you, Dr. Sears, I'm so
• 1:24:56
  excited and people listening. If they want to learn more about
• 1:24:59
  Chaley, they can go to the link in the description to join the
• 1:25:04
  Chaley mailing list to be the first to hear about new updates
• 1:25:07
  and when it launches. But so excited and privileged to
• 1:25:10
  do this work with you. And I truly feel that Martha is
• 1:25:14
  a partner of Chaley. I'll share just briefly.
• 1:25:16
  I had the privilege of going to Martha's funeral last year and I
• 1:25:22
  was able to go with two of my kiddos who were sort of OK
• 1:25:26
  behaved in the back Pew. But it was a very beautiful,
• 1:25:29
  beautiful funeral. And I had this strong sense that
• 1:25:33
  Martha was in heaven looking down and just celebrating her
• 1:25:37
  family, her husband. And I thought, Martha, can you
• 1:25:40
  help me do my little part? And in assisting with her
• 1:25:45
  mission and your mission of helping parents have the tools
• 1:25:49
  that they need to raise these thriving children.
• 1:25:51
  So thank you for letting me be a little part of it.
• 1:25:54
  Thank you. A big thank you to our channel
• 1:25:57
  partner. EWTNEWTN is the world's largest
• 1:26:01
  religious broadcast network, reaching millions of people
• 1:26:04
  every single day with the beautiful truth of the gospel.
• 1:26:07
  You can be the first to watch new Lila Rose Show episodes 24
• 1:26:11
  hours before YouTube over at ewtn.com, slash On Demand and on
• 1:26:16
  the EWTN app.