Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E14: The First Year of Marriage

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E14: The First Year of Marriage · The Lila Rose Show

0:00
Hello everybody, welcome to the Lila Rose Show.
0:04
It's Lila. Today we're going to talk about
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marriage, love and marriage specifically, I'm going to be
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sharing some stuff about my experience with marriage.
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Your girl is one year married. Almost.
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I'm just a couple weeks away from being one year married.
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So that means I am, of course, the expert on marriage.
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I'm kidding. I'm not an expert on marriage,
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but I do have lots of things I can share about my first year of
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marriage and about the lead up to marriage.
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And yeah, I hope it is helpful. And for some of you listening,
0:40
if you're married or if you are hoping to get married one day, I
0:45
mean, this is something that is so important to talk about.
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What makes a good marriage? What are the struggles in
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marriage and how do we do it right?
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Do it the best way. So it's a beautiful experience
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and it drink brings us closer to each other and I believe can
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bring us closer to God. Okay, before diving into my
1:03
thoughts on this, I, I and I do hope to talk to my husband to
1:07
bring him on the podcast in the future.
1:09
Joe would be awesome on this podcast and I've already
1:12
mentioned it to him that I'd like to have him on as my
1:14
special guest. And he said, OK, maybe in the
1:16
future when we can figure out scheduling wise.
1:19
So I do hope to bring him on because he has all kinds of
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great thoughts on it from a man's perspective.
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And yeah, I think it would be really fun to have that.
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So we will do that in the future.
1:31
Before I dive into the topic of marriage today, I want to
1:35
mention something that has happened recently that I'm
1:38
getting a lot of messages about online from some of you.
1:43
And this is about the recent big tech suppression that has
1:49
happened actually on my Facebook page as well as on Live Actions
1:53
page. Live Action is the nonprofit,
1:55
the human rights nonprofit that I am the founder and president
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of. It's where I do a lot of my
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work. And basically we have over 3
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million people following us online on Facebook, which is
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awesome. And these are people that are
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very pro-life if they're passionate about defending life.
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Facebook recently, So this was just a couple weeks ago in early
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September 2019. If anyone's listening to this
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later, Facebook recently did this Fact Check, supposedly Fact
2:24
Check of live actions videos, one video of me giving a speech
2:28
and one video of a board certified neonatologist.
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So this doctor and the Fact Check was done by two
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abortionists. So these two abortionists
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basically targeted live action, targeted me and claim that we
2:42
were inaccurate because they say that abortion is medically
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necessary, meaning abortion is it's in, it's necessary to
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intentionally kill a baby in the womb in serious medical cases.
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Well, first of all, these two abortionists can't be trusted.
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They are profiting from abortion.
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There are both have formal ties to abortion activist
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organizations and they're out to target live action.
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I mean, one of the abortionists named Daniel Grossman actually
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kind of went after me on Twitter recently.
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We got in a a Twitter discussion together.
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But they're definitely activists.
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So these aren't just these, you know, nonpartisan fact checkers.
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And Facebook has promised that any fact checking they do will
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be nonpartisan. But this is clearly very
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partisan. And when they fact checked my
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account and live actions on Facebook, they gave our
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accounts, our pages. These violation these strikes so
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that they can, they say, limit our reach so that our our
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content might not reach as many people, the millions of people
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following us and we might not even be able to advertise.
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So it's really serious. But I do want to address briefly
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the medically necessary question because a lot of people are
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confused about this. And yes, this is not related to
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marriage, but I'm going to get to that in a minute.
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Don't worry, OK, abortion is not medically necessary.
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Let's just define the terms really quick abortion.
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We define it as the direct and intentional destruction of a
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human life. So if you are, for example,
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removing an ectopic pregnancy, a baby is developing and say the
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fallopian tube of the woman instead of in her uterus, it's
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called an ectopic pregnancy. That is not an abortion because
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the goal there is not to kill the baby.
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The goal is to remove the baby from a hostile environment.
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The baby cannot grow to term in the fallopian tube.
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The baby will die and it can also be life threatening for the
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mom. So removing that ectopic
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pregnancy is not an abortion procedure.
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You don't use a typical abortion procedure to accomplish it.
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It is a tragic case where the goal is not to kill the baby.
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So that's not an abortion and we are completely, that's an
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completely acceptable medical procedure.
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That's very tragic and a tragic case in any other severe and
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very rare life threatening emergency where these
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abortionists are saying, oh, we need abortion.
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Actually, even in their article they straight up lied.
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They said that in a case of placenta previa, you might need
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to commit an abortion. Well, actually this is some
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personal information. I was diagnosed with
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placentiprivia. I'm pregnant, as many of you
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know, I'm 25 weeks pregnant. Several weeks ago the doctor
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said I have an early case of placentiprivia.
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Don't worry, it's going to go away.
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Very likely, the doctor said. But what placentiprivia is when
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the placenta covers the cervix. So you actually can't deliver
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vaginally. You would need to get AC
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section. I'm not saying I'm going to have
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to get AC section, hopefully I won't.
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It will continue to resolve itself.
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But the point is, these abortionists are lying because
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you can't even commit an abortion procedure when a woman
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has placenta previa. She could die because the
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placenta is covering the cervix and you actually have to do AC
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section. And in AC section, you can
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deliver the baby and the baby can survive.
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Or if the baby is too little to survive, that is not
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intentionally killing the baby. You're trying to save the baby's
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life. You want to save the mother's
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life, but that could be a tragedy where the medical
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technology isn't developed enough to resuscitate that baby
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or keep that baby alive. All this to say, early delivery,
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removal of an ectopic pregnancy, these are not abortion
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procedures. These abortionists are actually
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lying. And it's really awful that
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Facebook is using two abortionists as fact checkers
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and they're claiming to be nonpartisan.
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So we're fighting this. We've got some senators over in
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the US Congress actually sending letters to Mark Zuckerberg.
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We're doing a lot of media on this.
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We're looking at our legal options.
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I just wanted to let you guys know though, that important
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difference between abortion not being medically necessary and
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then cases like early delivery of a baby if there's a severe
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medical case or cases like ectopic pregnancy.
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All right, moving on to marriage.
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I have been married, like I said, almost a year, and I want
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to share a few things that I think made our first year of
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marriage really wonderful. I have heard a lot over the
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years from people who say that the first year of marriage is
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really hard. You may have heard this or maybe
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you even experienced this. Some people who are listening
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that the first year or the first few years of marriage is really
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hard. And I understand that it can be
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really hard because you are learning to live with the
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person, you're learning to love the person, communicate, deal
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with your differences, all of that.
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For Joe and I, the first year of marriage actually has been
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really beautiful and has not been that hard between us.
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We've we've dealt with challenges in our lives, but
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nothing like major conflict between US.
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And that's not because we're perfect people or because we're
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150% compatible. I think a lot of that is because
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of the work we did in our engagement and in our dating and
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then in the work we did even before we met each other,
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intentionally preparing to get married one day.
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And I say this to hopefully encourage anybody who's
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listening, who is single or dating or engaged, that the work
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you're doing today really does make a big difference in your
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future marriage. And if you are married and
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you're doing the work in your marriage, then that's good too.
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The point, the bottom line is we have to work.
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We have to work at relationships.
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And that's the number one lesson of my first year of marriage is
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that you have to work at your relationship before your
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marriage, if possible, if you're have that opportunity because
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you're not married yet or if you're still married or if
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you're married now obviously in your marriage.
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That the culture's idea of we just fall in love and if it
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works and we click, then it's great.
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And if we don't click anymore, if we're fighting a lot, then we
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just fall out of love and we're incompatible and we divorced.
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I totally don't buy that. So I'm a believer in marriage
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for life, no exceptions. And I believe that once I commit
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to marry, when Joe and I committed it to each other,
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we're going to be married for life until one of us die.
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And a quick caveat here, because there's a lot of stories of
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abuse and really toxic situations in some marriages.
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We are also Catholics and there's something as Catholics
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that we consider as actual marriage versus it's not a real
9:12
marriage. So it was never a valid
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marriage. And I bring this up because just
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the caveat before I go on about what I've learned in the first
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year of marriage is that there are people who are in
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relationships that maybe are called marriages by the culture
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or they even got married in a courthouse or something.
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But they didn't go into that marriage with it being 100% them
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their, their full selves fidelity.
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So there's certain qualities that make it in the Catholic
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Church and tradition of valid marriage and that is total
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freedom. No one was coerced that they are
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going into the marriage open to life, willing to be open to
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having kids. They're going into it with
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complete exclusivity. So they're not going into it
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with I'm going to cheat on you or I'm going to, you know,
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decide to not be faithful to you.
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And then they're also going into it with knowledge of the other
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person. They're not being lied about
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something serious by the other person lied to about.
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So I just mentioned that because I do have a real sensitive spot
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in my heart for people suffering from abuse.
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I've had close friends who've been in abusive relationships
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and marriages, and those do exist, of course.
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And if you are in a very serious case of potential abuse, that is
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something to look into because I do believe marriage is for life,
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but it has to be a valid marriage.
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And in that situation, I also think that there are cases where
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it's acceptable to separate from your spouse if there is serious
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abuse or harm to you or your children.
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So I just need to provide that caveat.
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I know I'm kind of starting this on a downer.
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I was just talking about how great marriage was and now I'm
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talking about aborce divorce and abuse.
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But those are real things that affect some people and they
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might even be listening to this podcast.
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So I really wanted to include that if you are experiencing
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abuse or harm in a relationship, especially if you're not even
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married yet, 100% say goodbye, walk away because you deserve so
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much better. And if you're in a marriage, you
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deserve also better and you deserve support and love.
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And it might be appropriate to separate or even to divorce.
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OK, moving on. But again, the divorce could be
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a legal divorce. Or if you were not validly
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married, then it could also mean the marriage would be annulled,
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meaning there was never a real marriage to begin with.
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So that's just something to consider.
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But in the vast majority of cases, we are focused on, we're
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choosing and we're having marriages which are good, but
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marriages can still struggle and we still want to have the best
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marriages we can have. So I want to share some of the
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things that I think really set Joe and I up for success so far.
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Again, we're only a year in, so we're not the experts.
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We're just sharing. I'm just sharing my experience
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so far. And, but I think these things
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have really set us up for a great start to our marriage.
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And then a few things that I've learned in my first year of
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marriage that I think have been really awesome and helpful.
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And whether you're married or not, I hope these are helpful
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for your relationships in general.
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So first of all, a few things that I think really set Joe and
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I up for success to have a good first, first year of marriage
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where we did not experience major conflicts or struggles.
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Because a lot of those things we had actually experienced and
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sorted out in dating and engagement.
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We had that that blessing of having that time.
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First of all, before I even met Joe and before Joe even met me,
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we were both really intentional on our personal development.
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That means we both really tried to grow in our faith.
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We are trying to grow in virtue and good habits, and we are
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trying to grow in self-awareness.
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So we understood ourselves, our childhoods, what we had been
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through. And something that's really
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concrete here that was helpful for me was actually getting a
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spiritual director and at times even going to therapy to process
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some of the things that had happened in my childhood that
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really, I think impacted my relationships.
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So we all have childhood stuff that we have to deal with.
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And I think some of us to different degrees than others.
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And so for me, for example, my parents are married today.
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Praise God, they're still married.
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They have actually a really beautiful marriage.
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I've watched my parents marriage get better over the years, but
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when I was a girl there were some real harsh conflicts and
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tensions that my parents had and sometimes in front of us kids
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and that was really at times harmful.
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And that did not teach me good communication habits.
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That taught me some bad communication habits and it's
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again really beautiful because today my parents actually as I
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got older, we're working on their own relationship because
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they got married super quickly. They were got married really
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young, so they were figuring stuff out themselves.
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And now I can see my parents and their relationship having just
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grown so much. So I had that privilege of
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seeing that happen and also learning from it myself.
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So anyways, it taught me a lot about when I was growing up, I
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was really struck by some of this, like unhealthy conflict
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and communication and anger and and not really understanding
14:19
each other. And that really affected me
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because I certainly didn't want that in my future relationships.
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But I didn't know how to then, what was the healthy way to do
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it. And so I did spend time in my in
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my 20s reading books about communication, learning about
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what is the right way to deal with conflict, even navigating
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that in some relationships I had with boyfriends about how to
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deal with just misunderstandings that we had.
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I remember one situation where there was just very different
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expectations that a guy that I was dating and I had about what
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are relationship was with our family.
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So for example, for me, I really like to spend all my holidays if
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possible with my family. I want to be with them as much
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as possible. And that was something that he
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didn't really, he kind of understood, but he didn't fully
15:11
understand. So there wasn't as we had this
15:14
impasse where there wasn't, I felt I wasn't being understood
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for how much I valued that. And they weren't really as
15:22
interested in appreciating it. And we just weren't
15:23
understanding each other. And so instead of attacking one
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another, it's having a conversation where you say, hey,
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this is where I'm coming from. This is what I grew up with,
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where I was always, you know, holidays were a big deal.
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And we always tried to be together.
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And there wasn't just situations where we went off on our own and
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did our own thing. And then, you know, the guy was
15:44
dating to talk about how when he was growing up, actually, they
15:47
did do some holidays, but they weren't as big of a deal in the
15:49
same way. And so that's why it was harder
15:51
for him to understand why they were such a big deal.
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To me, again, just a simple communication, simple
15:56
communication, but talking about what the expectation was, how it
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was growing up. We sometimes don't even realize
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we have these expectations because of how we were raised.
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But then in relationship discussing it, we've realized,
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oh wow, this is just, this isn't that the other person is bad or
16:11
out to get me or anything like that.
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This is just that the other person was raised very
16:15
differently and their value here is a little bit different than
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mine. So a lot of that personal work
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that I did in my 20s in my other dating relationships really
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helped me so that when I met Joe, I was prepared with skills
16:30
for communication and conflict resolution and understanding my
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own trigger points and wounds that helped Joe and I have a
16:37
more successful relationship. Now, that's not to say that Joe
16:40
and I don't have conflict, because certainly we have a lot
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of things we've had to navigate through together, and I'm going
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to get to that in a minute. But one other thing that was
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really important for my 20s that I want to encourage anybody
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listening is that I had the blessing because of my faith and
16:58
growing in my faith and trusting God that I didn't settle.
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And I think this is really important.
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I think if you're listening and you hope to get married one day,
17:07
listen, I believe God has a really beautiful plan for you.
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And I'm not saying everybody gets married because we don't
17:13
all some people aren't given that that gift.
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But I do think that it's really important that we don't settle.
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We don't settle for somebody that doesn't share our values.
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We don't settle, especially in dating because who you date
17:26
should be about looking for who you may marry.
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And so if we're dating people that are not marriage material,
17:32
we're really wasting our time and their time.
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And so looking for people who have shared values, who want to
17:37
raise children the way you do, who have a faith like you do,
17:41
who have virtues that you admire and respect, and somebody, of
17:45
course, that you feel can really help you become a better person
17:50
and that they can become a better person, too.
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I think these are really fundamentals.
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And so because I didn't settle in my 20s, I could marry Joe
18:00
when I was 30. And yeah, 30 for some people
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seems older. I mean, some people might seem
18:05
really young to get married. It depends on your outlook.
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But I'm really glad I didn't get married until I was 30 because I
18:11
was waiting for the right man at the right time.
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And that ended up being Joe when I met him when I was 28, got
18:18
engaged at 29 and then married at 30.
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So the personal work you do before you were married and in
18:24
your dating life and the personal and the trust that you
18:28
have that God has a plan for your life and that you are not
18:32
going to just settle both in your dating relationships or in
18:36
a marriage relationship. But you're really going to look
18:39
for that equal partner who can share your faith, your values,
18:42
and can strive to do good in the world with you helping lift you
18:47
up and you helping lift them up. It's worth waiting for.
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It really, really is. And I did a lot of good things
18:53
in my 20s. I mean, I was working really
18:55
hard on live action and traveling the world and speaking
18:57
and really trying to grow as a person and grow my other
19:00
relationships with my family and my friends.
19:03
So no time is wasted wherever you are in your in your romantic
19:08
journey of life, all of life is beautiful and romantic.
19:11
But wherever you are in your journey, don't, don't judge
19:15
yourself like, oh, I should be further ahead.
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I, I should be married right now or I should be in a
19:19
relationship. God is using the time now and
19:22
now is a blessing and take the day that you have today to
19:26
become a better person, to work on better habits, to work on
19:30
your relationship with God, to work on self-awareness, to work
19:33
on your relationships with friends and your own family,
19:36
your parents, your siblings, grandparents, whoever it is that
19:40
is really you using your life in a beautiful way and in the right
19:44
timing. If it's I think God's plan for
19:46
you, you will meet and be with that person that that God may
19:52
bring into your life. All right, so those are a couple
19:55
things I want to talk about dating Joe specifically though,
19:58
in our engagement and some of the things we did to prepare us
20:01
for our first year of marriage. And I hope that if you are
20:05
dating or engaged, these are maybe these are things you've
20:08
done or you're you're thinking of doing or they are things that
20:13
might be something for you to consider.
20:15
So first of all. Joe and I were really focused
20:19
from the beginning on discernment, so we wanted to get
20:22
to know each other really well and we wanted to discover, is
20:26
this someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?
20:28
And we had a lot of fun in the process.
20:30
But the point was we weren't just hanging out.
20:33
We weren't just, you know, spending time together.
20:36
Joe was really intentional from the beginning about asking me
20:39
out, getting to know me. And I knew he was serious about
20:42
his life and his commitments and he wasn't just messing around.
20:46
And that, of course, is very attractive to me.
20:47
And it was also something that I expected in a man because I also
20:51
wanted to date for a purpose. I didn't want to just date for
20:53
the heck of it. And I think the standards that
20:56
we set are what we attract. I really can't emphasize that
21:00
enough. The standards that we set are
21:02
what we attract. And so intentional dating will
21:05
lead to intentional engagement. If of course, they're the right
21:08
one for us, we choose them and that will lead to an intentional
21:10
marriage. But it starts with intentional
21:12
dating. So I think if you're dating, no
21:14
matter where you are in your dating journey, you can make
21:16
changes. You can choose how you want to
21:18
do it and I highly recommend doing it with intention.
21:21
Really, am I dating this person to really get to know them, to
21:24
understand them and to see is this person meant to be with me?
21:26
And if they're not taking it seriously, for example, you're
21:29
dating a guy and marriage is not even on his radar, then that's
21:33
probably not a guy to continue dating because he's not taking
21:37
it seriously and he's not really seriously preparing to get
21:40
married or to discern if he's supposed to marry you.
21:43
So that ring, if it's in the future at all, might be very far
21:47
away. And he's also not of the caliber
21:51
or she might not be of the caliber a person that you should
21:55
have in a spouse because marriage is a big deal and you
21:57
want to marry somebody again that shares your value, shares
22:00
your commitments, shares your your beliefs, and you can really
22:04
build a beautiful life with. Another thing that we did in our
22:08
dating was really get to know each other as friends and
22:11
family. I think that's a really valuable
22:13
part of dating to understand the other person and to try to build
22:17
a community. I know some long just some
22:20
relationships are long distance and that can be difficult.
22:23
But I do think it's really important to get to know the
22:25
person and their community because our community really
22:27
impacts us. Our families really impact us.
22:29
And I think a lot of the beautiful gift of our first year
22:33
of marriage was a result of Joe and I really getting to know
22:37
each other's families. And so there were no surprises.
22:39
There were no surprises about issues that we had in our
22:43
families or challenges or even expectations about how we wanted
22:47
to interact with our families. We had this really beautiful
22:51
first year of marriage where we could really enjoy those
22:54
relationships instead of it being based on conflict.
22:57
And that's because we had spent time working out some of the
23:00
challenges that we had before we got married.
23:04
A couple other things for intentional engagement.
23:08
So we also spent time when when we got engaged.
23:13
So once we got engaged, we dated for a little bit over a year and
23:15
then we got engaged. We actually were engaged 10
23:18
months, which can seem like a long time to some people.
23:22
But what was really one thing that we did really purposefully
23:25
is that we decided not to have sex until we got married.
23:29
And to some people, this may sound crazy.
23:33
I remember talking to, I think it was a taxi driver.
23:37
And I do not know how this topic came up, but he was basically, I
23:42
mean, this is going to sound really awkward.
23:43
And it was kind of awkward. This was actually, I was in
23:46
Europe. This was when Joe and I were
23:48
dating and I was in Europe and I don't, oh, oh, because he was
23:54
asking me. I don't know how I brought up a
23:56
boyfriend or he asked me if I had one, but I basically said
23:58
yes. And then I basically, so
24:00
something came up where we weren't living together and I
24:04
basically just said, yeah, we don't, we don't believe in that
24:06
and living together before marriage.
24:08
And I remember the taxi driver was like, completely shocked
24:12
and, you know, asked me the very inappropriate question, Are you
24:16
a virgin? And I was like, yeah.
24:17
And he was like, oh, my gosh. Mind blown.
24:20
It's like, I don't know any virgins who are basically in
24:23
their late 20s. I was in my late 20s at the
24:25
time. So anyways, I have had a few
24:28
awkward conversations with people who are, like, so shocked
24:32
that that was how I was when I got married.
24:35
And for Joe and I, we decided not to have sex before marriage.
24:39
All right, Why am I bringing this up?
24:40
Because I think it really set us up for success in our marriage
24:44
to save sex for marriage, and that it was because we both see
24:50
sex and I believe sex. And I did a whole podcast
24:53
episode in sex myths. But sex is something that's
24:55
incredibly binding both physically and spiritually.
25:00
And I only want to do that with one person, my spouse.
25:02
And I think it actually is a spiritual encounter as much as
25:04
it is physical. And God designed it that way and
25:08
it's meant to be permanent and exclusive and lifelong, not
25:12
something where you just have sex with someone and then you're
25:14
like, oh, I don't love you anymore.
25:15
I'm leaving you, you know, a few months later.
25:17
That's not love. And that's not what the language
25:20
of sex is. The language of sex is complete
25:22
self giving and unity, becoming one with that other person.
25:26
And the other thing that sex is besides unifying it is
25:29
procreative. It can bring life into the
25:31
world. Like that's how children are
25:33
conceived. Newsflash, if you're in case you
25:36
didn't know, babies come from sex and that's awesome and
25:41
beautiful, but why would you have sex with someone then it's
25:44
not going to be around for the rest of your life if you can get
25:46
pregnant with them and somebody that you wouldn't want to be the
25:49
father or the mother of your children.
25:51
And so sex is designed for lifelong bonds, lifelong bonds
25:55
of love and commitment. And that's what Joe and I
25:58
believed. We're also Catholics, as I've
26:00
said before. And so the Catholic Church
26:03
teaches and the we believe the Bible teaches that sex is for
26:05
marriage. It's, it's Christ's design.
26:08
And so we really wanted to make, make it sacred and holy and save
26:11
it for marriage. And was it easy?
26:13
No, because we, we were totally attracted to each other and
26:16
loved each other. But we just did certain things,
26:19
like, for example, don't be alone together late at night,
26:22
don't spend the night at the other person's house.
26:25
Try to avoid situations where it's really hard to not be close
26:28
in that way. And we were successful in the
26:31
end. I mean, it was not easy.
26:32
And it's not to say we we were, we did everything perfectly.
26:35
But the point is it was a commitment that we made.
26:38
And if you are listening and you're like, oh, that ship has
26:42
sailed. I am not even in that boat
26:44
anymore. And you know, maybe you're even
26:47
living with somebody that you're dating or you're in a long term
26:49
relationship. I would say, listen, it's never
26:52
too late to change your life. And, you know, one of my close
26:57
friends, she was living with her boyfriend and she was, you know,
27:02
very much in love or she was very much connected.
27:05
I mean, they were figuring things out and they actually got
27:07
engaged. And then she decided to move out
27:12
because she had this epiphany where she realized, look, I, she
27:16
first of all, she wanted to be true to her faith again.
27:18
She wanted to practice her faith.
27:20
And she was like, wait a minute, I'm not married to him yet.
27:23
And we're not married before God and our families yet.
27:26
We haven't made that commitment yet.
27:27
I mean, so we've been sort of like playing at marriage by
27:30
living together. And I'm going to move out during
27:33
this part of our engagement. She actually moved in with her
27:35
with her parents for a few, for a few months so that she could
27:39
just have no sex before marriage for those remaining months of
27:41
the engagement and really decide, OK, for sure, do I want
27:44
to marry this guy? Is this a commitment I want to
27:46
make and to honor God and to honor herself and honor him in
27:50
those months before marriage. And yeah, they had to talk about
27:52
it and figure it out together because it was definitely a
27:55
change. And it was something that it
27:56
wasn't his idea, it was hers. But in the end, he respected it.
28:00
And listen, if you're a woman who's listening and the man that
28:03
you're dating or you're with that you're not married to is
28:06
demanding sex in order for him to stay with you, he does not
28:09
truly love you. And I don't think he is truly
28:12
respecting you. Yes, it may take some time to
28:14
talk him through it so he can understand your motivations and
28:17
why you want to change your life in this way.
28:19
But ultimately, if he really does love you and wants to
28:23
really commit to you, he will respect that from you.
28:27
Remember, love is a choice. Love is not a feeling and he can
28:31
choose to love you and respect that commitment and that value
28:34
that you have. So yes, not having sex before
28:37
marriage, I think set Joe and I up for success because it really
28:40
made our relationship centered on the right things and made our
28:43
relationship centered on really understanding and accepting each
28:47
other and not just the physical aspect of the relationship.
28:50
And then obviously when we got married, it can be became this
28:53
beautiful dimension of our relationship.
28:56
So that really helped in in intentional engagement.
29:00
And then one other thing that I wanted to bring up for
29:03
engagement that was really helpful for us was we had a
29:06
mentor couple. We got this mentor couple who
29:09
helped us prepare in a very intentional way for our future
29:13
marriage. We actually went on a retreat
29:16
that they helped host. So these are retreats that are
29:19
they actually for married couples, they're called Marriage
29:22
encounter for engaged couples. There's different versions of
29:25
these retreats, but basically you deep dive communication and
29:29
family origin and expectations and what marriage really means.
29:33
And I highly recommend these retreats, the way you can access
29:36
them at at least if you are Catholic or if you are dating a
29:41
Catholic and you're engaged. Engaged is the dioceses across
29:45
the country. Catholic dioceses have these
29:48
marriage retreats or these engaged retreats.
29:51
And Joe and I did one at the advice of our mentor couple, and
29:54
it was phenomenal. It was one weekend where we did
29:57
all these workshops and spent all this time talking to each
29:59
other and writing letters and filling out these like surveys.
30:03
But it was actually really beautiful and good.
30:06
And then with the mentor couple, we met with them regularly and
30:09
we really talked through challenges, met married people
30:12
can face what the meaning of marriage was, it being this
30:16
lifelong commitment before God, self giving, how this was really
30:20
about giving to each other lifelong about the potential for
30:24
children, about communication, about our shared values and
30:29
where maybe our expectations were different and how to deal
30:32
with those conflicts, all of this stuff.
30:34
And it was just such a good and beautiful thing.
30:36
So finding a mentor couple can be very powerful.
30:40
And I would encourage you to look for a couple that has been
30:42
married a long time, that is really wise that you look up to
30:46
that shares your faith that can help you guys really navigate
30:50
what marriage is and really prepare you for a successful
30:55
relationship and marriage. All right, A few things now that
30:59
happened during the first year, almost full year of marriage for
31:02
me that that were lessons that I've learned.
31:05
There are three lessons that I learned in the first year of
31:09
marriage to Joe. This is not the only stuff I
31:12
learned, but these are three of them.
31:15
First of all, be quick to say sorry.
31:18
That has been really huge for both Joe and I, but trying to be
31:23
the first one to say sorry, even if I felt like whatever the
31:26
small thing was, it was his fault being the first one to say
31:29
sorry. For example, making a joke that
31:33
maybe he didn't like because it was kind of at his expense.
31:36
Sometimes I make inappropriate jokes.
31:39
I'm like laughing at myself right now, but I just, I make
31:42
jokes and that's just my personality.
31:45
And sometimes I maybe make them slightly inappropriately and
31:50
they can, depending on the person, rub them the wrong way
31:53
or be at the wrong moment, be in an inappropriate moment.
31:56
And so that I think has annoyed Joe a few times.
31:59
But sometimes if he gets annoyed and he's then annoyed at me and
32:04
then my feelings get hurt, like, Oh my gosh, you're, you're upset
32:07
with me. And I just made an innocent joke
32:09
and I'm just being cute and silly.
32:11
And so ultimately the temptation can be to be then get upset with
32:14
him, even though I was the one who made the first joke.
32:17
So even though I feel like he's wronging me by then going back
32:23
and getting, you know, not liking my joke and being upset
32:25
with me, being the first to say sorry and just being like, I'm
32:28
so sorry, that was not and my attention to her, you know,
32:32
whatever the joke, whatever it was.
32:34
And that can be really hard. It's hard to eat humble pie.
32:37
And I'm sure of anyone listening in a relationship, like whatever
32:41
it is, it's hard to say sorry. It's all it's not easy.
32:44
And, and actually the times when it's hardest to say sorry are
32:47
the times when you most need to say sorry.
32:49
So that's been a lesson for me is really trying to flex that
32:52
muscle of saying sorry. And my husband's beautiful and
32:55
wonderful. He says sorry a lot.
32:56
So it's like I'm always the one saying sorry, but saying sorry
33:01
and being quick to say sorry I found really powerful at just
33:06
not wasting any time being mad at each other because life is
33:09
short. And why would we make a waste
33:11
time being annoyed at each other when life is so short?
33:13
And then the two other things that have been really great for
33:17
the first year of marriage for us is practicing being grateful
33:21
every day. I mean, it is so easy when life
33:24
gets busy and crazy and there's so much going on to not remember
33:28
to be grateful. But actually saying thank you to
33:32
my husband for things that he does for me or just who he is,
33:36
affirming him and literally practicing that affirmation
33:39
every single day has been really, really powerful and
33:43
really beautiful. It is amazing how easy it is to
33:45
take things for granted. I mean, I prayed throughout my
33:47
entire 20s and in my teen years and hoped for an awesome husband
33:52
and here I am with an awesome husband, but it's so easy to
33:54
take him for granted. So really making that time every
33:56
day to, to say thank you, to affirm what you love about your
34:00
spouse, to say what you value to really even and if it feels
34:04
awkward at times, you just say, I love you.
34:06
I'm so grateful for you. Even if it by awkward, I mean
34:09
it's, it's kind of out of the blue.
34:11
It's not really part of the conversation before that, but
34:13
really making that time for that.
34:15
And I'm really grateful because Joe does a great job of giving
34:19
me a lot of that verbal affirmation too.
34:21
And that can be really, just really good to, for yourself as
34:24
well As for your partner, just to remember all the beautiful
34:26
things about your, your spouse and all the great things that
34:29
you appreciate. You can never appreciate someone
34:32
you love enough. I think last thing that is, I
34:36
think just beautiful and has helped us in our marriage
34:38
already. And I know it will help us in
34:40
the years to come is prayer, praying together, making time to
34:43
go to Mass together, of course, on Sundays.
34:45
And then if there's time during the week, like on a Saturday or
34:48
during the week, making time to, you know, Mass because we're
34:51
Catholics. But whatever your faith
34:52
background is, making that time to grow in faith with your
34:56
spouse, taking time every night to pray together, making that a
35:00
part of our our marriage and not just pray for each other or not
35:05
just to say thank you. I mean, prayer, a lot of prayers
35:07
should be thank you God for all the great blessings you've given
35:10
me. But time to pray for other
35:12
people, to pray for our friends together, to pray for our
35:15
family. We try to pray for all of our
35:16
God children, all of our siblings, many of our friends by
35:20
name almost every day. And that has been really
35:23
beautiful for our relationship because it makes our marriage
35:25
not just about us, but about other people and about serving
35:29
and loving other people. And that's where I think
35:31
marriage gets really beautiful and amazing And this an
35:33
incredible adventure where it's this this beautiful friendship
35:36
between you and your spouse, but it's also this force of good in
35:39
the world to love other people. And that force begins with the
35:43
power of prayer. All right, That's my, my, my
35:47
shtick for the first year of marriage.
35:49
There's my my, you could say advice to myself and what I
35:53
think has been really beautiful and powerful and beneficial for
35:56
us. I hope this was interesting or
35:58
helpful for you. I'm so grateful to the examples
36:02
of people who have been married for a long time because we are
36:04
newbies to marriage. But so far so good.
36:06
We love it and I love being married.
36:08
I'm so grateful. Don't let anybody ever tell you
36:10
marriage is not amazing because it is such an amazing and
36:13
blessed gift and it's worth waiting for and it's worth
36:15
fighting for. If you enjoyed this episode of
36:18
the Lila Rose Show, please leave us a review this that makes that
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helps this podcast reach more people.
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Give it five stars. And if you'd like to become a
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36:44
Thank you again for listening and have a wonderful rest of
36:47
your day. Yeah.