Latest / The Virtual Couch / Expectations and Emotions: A Ballet of Balance and Bliss

Transcript

Expectations and Emotions: A Ballet of Balance and Bliss · The Virtual Couch

0:24
Hey, everybody.
0:24
Welcome to episode 422 of the virtual couch.
0:28
I'm your host, Tony.
0:28
Overbay.
0:29
I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and go
0:32
sign up for my newsletter.
0:33
That's all I will ask today.
0:35
But let's get to today's show.
0:36
So I was asked a question recently.
0:39
And this is for one of the guys in my path back recovery group, which
0:42
I honestly can't say enough about.
0:44
So here's the plug.
0:45
If you're tired of turning to, and we'll save a lot of different things for coping
0:48
mechanisms, if you're tired of turning to.
0:50
To pornography or food or your work or your phone or you name it?
0:53
As an unhealthy coping mechanism, trying to just tune out from life.
0:57
Then I highly encourage you to sign up now for my path back.
1:00
Pornography recovery group and here's the deal.
1:02
So I think that the word.
1:04
Porn or pornography was used in last night's group call,
1:07
maybe once, maybe twice, but the call in the call last night.
1:11
We talked more about how shame has played such a role in how
1:15
we show up in our relationships.
1:17
And I've actually been asked recently on an interview is shame making
1:20
it come back, is there anything good that can come of shame?
1:23
Which a quick answer?
1:24
No.
1:25
But, eh, but we talked so much about then how we show up in
1:28
relationships, because I think so often.
1:30
On both sides of the street.
1:32
We're afraid to really express ourselves our true selves.
1:36
Because the way that we learned to express ourselves was from a pretty emotionally
1:40
immature or needy place, which leads to a tremendous lack of confidence.
1:44
When asking for anything, because I think one of the concepts that is so
1:48
clearly misunderstood in marriage or in relationships in general, Is that
1:51
we are going to be asked and ask our partners to do things that we are,
1:56
they don't necessarily want to do.
1:59
And that doesn't mean that you just have to do it, but what we're
2:01
not addressing, I think is that if we're asking from a place of.
2:05
Of control or manipulation or coercion or seeking validation.
2:11
Then we're not bringing our best selves into the relationship.
2:14
And I think that's a lot of the stuff that we were modeled from our
2:16
own parents, from our childhood.
2:18
So we're showing up in these relationships and we are emotionally needy and clingy
2:21
and we want somebody to both just adore us and respect us and also Be curious about
2:28
us, but if we are not putting our best version of ourselves out there, Then we're
2:33
being pretty emotionally inconsistent and that can be a lot to read for her partner.
2:37
So I was thinking about this and we kind of went off on this tangent last night.
2:41
But here's what that looks like.
2:42
I mean, if you're asking from a place of control for me, Manipulation,
2:46
especially seeking validation.
2:47
It's like, uh, Hey I really need you to give me more praise because that actually
2:50
makes me feel better about myself, or I need more, more sex in the relationship
2:54
because that makes me feel better.
2:57
But what we're not saying, or I guess I think what I'm hearing
3:00
more from my therapist ears is it sounds more like this.
3:04
Hey, I don't really feel very good about myself right now.
3:07
Forget about the fact that I'm not sure why it might be my marriage.
3:10
It might be my parenting.
3:11
It might be my, my current faith journey or faith crisis, my health.
3:14
I'm probably not in the shape that I thought it would be or the
3:17
job that actually don't enjoy or might even be because I don't have
3:20
friends that I thought I would.
3:21
Or you know, what's with all the nose and ear hair, but the lack of actual
3:25
hair where I would actually prefer it.
3:27
So yeah, I don't really feel so good right now.
3:29
So you, you, over there, the person that I sometimes say that you are
3:33
the love of my life, And other times I shut you out and on occasion I
3:36
explode, but then I say, sorry later.
3:39
And then why are you still angry?
3:41
And then what am I supposed to do about that?
3:42
Because I said, I'm sorry, but anyway.
3:43
Yeah.
3:44
I've told you on occasion that I like to be told that I'm awesome.
3:47
These, these words of affirmation.
3:48
And I would also really appreciate it if you would initiate physical
3:52
intimacy with me, but I don't want you to do and a half bait.
3:54
I want you to really mean it.
3:56
Okay, so give it a shot right now, because again, I'm not
3:58
feeling very good about myself.
3:59
I'm not sure what will make me feel better, but it's up to you.
4:02
Let me diffuse this, this anxiety, this frustration into the relationship
4:05
because you're really good at taking responsibility for that.
4:08
So, all right.
4:09
Let's see.
4:09
Go ahead and do that.
4:11
Nope.
4:11
That's a, it has not doing it.
4:12
That's not really making me feel that much better.
4:15
So, okay.
4:15
I know what I do next.
4:16
So I, now I'm going to let you know that obviously you don't love me and I I'm a
4:21
walking piece of garbage, so let's see.
4:23
What is, uh, what comes next?
4:24
Oh, yeah.
4:24
That what is on the menu today?
4:26
When it comes to unhealthy coping mechanisms family will be gone in a bit.
4:29
So pornography that's an easy one.
4:31
And actually I would prefer if I'm going to do that, I actually
4:34
need to go into that feeling like.
4:36
I'm really justified.
4:37
So let me see then if I can subconsciously cause a little bit
4:40
more of a row, a little, little tussle here in the relationship.
4:43
So by back to my wife.
4:45
Uh, Hey, uh, you actually, haven't also told me how much you appreciate that.
4:48
The car that I bought you to drive in lately.
4:51
And at this point again, marriage therapist viewing
4:54
this kind of an interaction.
4:55
Out in the wild, but especially my office, then the wife puzzle
4:58
would kind of put on this.
4:59
This vibe of I thought you said that was our car, or
5:02
actually sometimes it's my car.
5:04
And when we picked it out, you said, oh my gosh, dear, you can
5:07
have anything that you want.
5:08
I just want to make you happy.
5:10
And so I pick this car, which now I've heard a, it wasn't
5:13
the best choice in the world.
5:15
But actually, admittedly though, you did say later how, since I got
5:18
the car that I wanted, then you could get the truck that you wanted.
5:23
But I already know where this is going again.
5:25
He says the wife, so, okay.
5:27
How's this.
5:28
Oh, my hero.
5:29
You are the best at.
5:31
Doing the working things and.
5:33
And taking care of the family and your let's see, you're also fierce
5:36
and handsome and desirable, and I have never seen someone look so appealing.
5:40
Uh, while still lounging around all day in those sustains sweat pants
5:45
that are quite a bit too small now.
5:47
Okay.
5:47
How about that?
5:48
To which the husband is in essence putting out this energy of no, no, that's not.
5:52
It clearly you don't care about me and.
5:55
You know, you know, how the rest of this goes.
5:56
So how about you take the kids to the mall?
5:58
Maybe a passive aggressively or.
6:00
Quite frankly, aggressively spend money that we don't currently have.
6:03
Um, I will resent you.
6:04
And then I will, I will look at naked people on a computer screen and tell
6:07
myself that this is the last time.
6:09
And what am I supposed to do when nobody cares about me.
6:11
And actually later I've already thought when I feel bad, I'm either
6:15
going to come confess to you.
6:16
Or I think I'll go.
6:18
Do a convention of the standard, our church, Bishop.
6:19
So one or Hey, when a both of you can tell me that that's okay.
6:24
Maybe we could throw in a little bit of a, that I'm very brave for
6:27
confessing, so then I can feel better.
6:29
And I don't really have to do any more work cause I feel better.
6:31
And you guys can carry the burden, but again, I, I feel better.
6:35
Okay.
6:37
End scene.
6:38
Kind of don't remember where that, that one's started.
6:40
Let me look back through my notes.
6:42
Oh, yes.
6:42
My wage at ma no seriously though problems are gonna come up in our
6:45
relationship and there are tools.
6:48
And just the little humble brag here.
6:49
I really, I can help, whether it's through a magnetic marriage,
6:53
couple scores or the, this path back pornography recovery course.
6:56
Which again is not about, Hey, let's talk about porn.
7:00
It's more about these voids that people feel in their lives.
7:03
They don't feel like they're connected in their marriage, their parenting,
7:05
their health, their faith, their career.
7:07
And when we start to.
7:09
And when we start to address those things, that's when the.
7:11
The siren song of the unhealthy coping mechanism starts the lesson.
7:15
And it really is about having a much more purpose filled meaningful life.
7:20
And recognizing that, I just don't think that we were handed
7:23
those tools early enough in life.
7:25
Or the right tools.
7:26
To know how to self-advocate and how to show up confident and how to
7:30
know that, okay, I'm not perfect.
7:32
I'm human.
7:33
And this is the very first time that I'm me in the situations in my life.
7:37
And so if I can give myself a little more grace completely remove the shame,
7:41
then I can actually make some progress.
7:43
And it seems like that is not the right way to go.
7:45
Because if it was people would embrace those tools more, but instead we're
7:49
really good at beating ourselves up or diffusing our own anxiety or frustration
7:53
or anger into the relationship and almost saying, okay, who will pick this up?
7:58
My wife or fear.
7:59
Or is it the husband or is it the, are the kids, are they going
8:03
to play the role of peacekeepers and emotional support animals?
8:06
Because that's not really ideal either.
8:09
Yeah.
8:09
So whether it's the port, the pornography, the path back pornography.
8:12
So whether it's the path back pornography recovery course, or my men's
8:16
brand new emotional architect group.
8:19
Which again it is new.
8:21
And reach out to me, right this very second.
8:23
If you are a guy who is waking up to your own emotional immaturity, or want
8:26
to become a more emotionally mature.
8:28
We'd love to hear more about emotional consistency and
8:31
differentiation and managing our anxiety and staying present and all
8:35
of those amazing, wonderful things.
8:37
There are such good tools.
8:38
If you are interested in that, send me some email contact@tonyoverbay.com.
8:43
Go through, go to the website and do that because that group is gonna be powerful.
8:46
I spent a lot of time working on the content for that group.
8:49
But there are tools.
8:49
And then if you just want to send me your questions, send me your couple scenarios.
8:55
Send me your Yabut Stinney of the episodes that I've done.
8:58
Because after taking this little break with my move to, uh, to Arizona.
9:03
Some planning has actually occurred and some exciting things are on the horizon.
9:06
And I'm still taking emails from people or individuals that are
9:09
couples who might actually be looking for a little additional help.
9:12
Yep.
9:12
Some coaching virtual with me.
9:14
But give me some details in your email.
9:16
So I'm getting to be an old man and I love what I do, and I know I
9:19
can help, but the old man reference has to say that I'm not looking for
9:22
someone or couples who were saying.
9:23
He convinced me old, man.
9:25
Why should I listen to you?
9:26
But if you often find yourself picking up what I'm putting down, then you just saved
9:30
us a bunch of rapport building sessions.
9:32
So let's do this.
9:33
Okay.
9:33
Here's where I was going today though, this question came from the path
9:36
back group, and then I went on that tangent about the amazing group.
9:40
And I will stand by that.
9:42
But the question today came from somebody in the path back group and they said,
9:45
Hey, Tony, What can you tell me about expectations and emotions and how are
9:49
they connected and how can managing one.
9:52
Help in managing the other.
9:54
This is where the group call.
9:55
And what we ended up doing was that evening in the group call, we ended
9:59
up talking to more about, about the concepts of differentiation and
10:03
the David Four points of balance and in particular talking about how
10:08
to manage our reactivity, because that is one of the most difficult.
10:11
Things because when we are feeling uncomfortable, Then we want
10:14
to get rid of that discomfort.
10:16
And a lot of times that is by being emotionally reactive,
10:19
emotionally inconsistent.
10:20
So we talked about that that night, but I did a lot of research on this
10:24
topic of emotions and expectations.
10:26
So I thought that I would put this together in a podcast.
10:29
So I want to start with a story and I was going to use alliteration for the
10:34
names of the characters, but both of our characters that, Hey, they start with
10:39
the letter E because we're talking about.
10:41
Expectations and emotions.
10:42
So I'm going to personify expectations and emotions, and they will simply
10:47
be called expectations and emotions.
10:50
And those are two characters that that I will play out here in this narrative.
10:53
But first, I just, I think it's such a good question because it's something
10:56
that I, that really, it comes up a lot.
10:59
Thinking about this connection between our expectations and our emotions.
11:03
And I think that this can really help an aid in understanding and
11:07
managing our emotional responses.
11:10
Let me just give a simplified explanation because at a real basic
11:13
level expectations are what we think should happen in a given situation.
11:18
I know, I often like to go to the, nobody likes to be showed on, but we're
11:21
using maybe the more positive version of, of should maybe what the expectation
11:25
is, what we anticipate will happen.
11:28
Or we think that that would be the just thing that would
11:30
happen in any given situation.
11:32
And then emotions are more about our feelings about what is happening.
11:36
And when our expectations match, the, our reality, we usually
11:40
feel okay or even pretty happy.
11:42
And the emotions seem to just fall in line.
11:45
But when there's a mismatch, when our, our version of reality
11:48
falls short of our expectations.
11:51
Which is kind of interesting.
11:52
And this is why I also told the story or gave that long narrative today.
11:56
Because this is what we are anticipating or expecting.
12:00
These are our expectations about what should play out in any given situation.
12:04
And so then if our expectations are not met, Then here comes a flood of emotions.
12:09
We can then feel, I mean, I guess when reality falls short of our
12:12
expectations, we start to feel disappointed or frustrated or even angry.
12:17
And if you've caught a little bit of a pattern lately, I love talking about.
12:22
What I'll call my new best friend, which is the concepts around differentiation.
12:26
And there are these four points of balance by David Schnarch.
12:32
Oh, ADHD.
12:33
How fun are you?
12:34
I pause the recording so I could go look up this handout.
12:38
That I'm putting together with some concepts of differentiation . And I
12:41
found a picture that I sent my wife.
12:44
I was.
12:45
Picking up lunch over the weekend.
12:47
And I saw a guy wearing a shirt.
12:49
And it had a Tyrannosaurus Rex on the front and it says let's eat kids period.
12:54
And then it says underneath it let's eat comma kids, period.
12:58
And it says punctuation saves lives.
13:00
I don't think I've.
13:02
I've laughed that hard in a little while, which is, I don't know if that's
13:05
dad humor, that's just good humor.
13:07
But, uh, but it was just a, really, a really interesting
13:09
concept of not a concept.
13:11
It was really funny that made me laugh.
13:14
But differentiation.
13:15
And one of these key concepts of developing these four points of balance,
13:20
and I would love to break these down in detail, but today I want to talk about.
13:25
third.
13:26
Third point of balance, where he says grounded responding, which means
13:29
managing your reactivity, neither overreacting and getting defensive.
13:34
Or blaming or emotionally distancing yourself.
13:37
Which is nagging emotional explosions, stonewalling or paralysis.
13:41
And that grounded responding is such a key component.
13:45
That I've talked about a little bit with I did an episode a while ago.
13:48
Talking about the concepts around things like what's often referred to as masculine
13:52
and feminine energy or in Indian culture at Shiva and Shakti are yin and yang.
13:56
So it's not about, it's not about male, female, but more
13:59
about this presence and radiance.
14:01
So I talked about holding the assertive frame, which formerly known as
14:05
maybe holding the masculine frame.
14:07
And part of that is just being present, not feeling like you have to explain
14:11
your love, but just being, just being, and doing and not going into a victim
14:16
role and knowing that your spouse.
14:18
Is most likely going to test the relationship at times for safety,
14:22
especially when you have not been safe.
14:25
So this grounded responding, I think is such a powerful component.
14:28
Of becoming more emotionally consistent.
14:31
And more emotionally mature.
14:33
So that's why I think it is so important to talk about this topic
14:36
today of balancing or how your expectations fit in with your.
14:42
Or how your emotional response comes from often your expectations.
14:48
And how understanding how these two relate.
14:51
Can help you stay more grounded and present, which can
14:54
ultimately lead to curiosity.
14:56
Safety emotional consistency.
14:59
And that I promise you that if you're yeah.
15:01
Budding this right now, then this is one where I want to say, trust me a
15:05
little bit of the concept of that.
15:07
We don't know what we don't know.
15:09
And so the unknown or the uncertain is scary and that's
15:12
where the habits come from.
15:13
And we're pretty much wired to alleviate discomfort.
15:16
And I think that's what we start to see.
15:17
And part of our strong emotional reactions are trying to alleviate our discomfort.
15:23
So if we go back to it again, At a very basic level expectations are
15:26
what we think should happen in a given situation and emotions or the
15:29
feelings about what is happening.
15:31
And what to expect and when our expectations match reality.
15:34
We feel pretty good or even happy.
15:36
But when there's this mismatch and that's when our reality fall short
15:40
of our expectations, even though this is someone else that we're
15:44
interacting with, we then can feel disappointed, frustrated, or even angry.
15:48
So let's go back to this narrative.
15:49
So the scenario we've got these two characters, expectations and emotions,
15:53
and they are in a relationship.
15:56
And they're planning a big weekend getaway.
15:57
So expectations sits at the kitchen table.
16:01
Expectations has a map spread out before them.
16:04
A detailed itinerary in hand.
16:06
Because they have these expectations of what's going to
16:08
happen in this getaway emotions.
16:11
They are just pumped, dancing around the room, just excited to be on the
16:15
upcoming trip that I can't wait.
16:17
They, they, they say this is gonna be so much fun.
16:19
And emotions.
16:20
They are just beaming.
16:21
They're so excited.
16:22
And expectations kind of calm.
16:24
Just smiles and nods.
16:26
You know, planned out a lot of great activities, but you know, I think
16:28
we need to stay pretty flexible in case something doesn't go as planned.
16:32
Which I think is a key part of this because expectations requires flexibility.
16:36
And oftentimes I think we get disappointed because we have these expectations and
16:40
things need to go perfectly as planned, or that means something went wrong.
16:44
But when expectations says, okay, let's stay flexible case
16:47
something, doesn't go as planned.
16:49
Then emotions pauses, they're dancing and they, they sit down next X expectations.
16:53
You're right.
16:54
If it rains, we can always go visit a museum instead of hiking.
16:56
That'll be fun too.
16:58
And then it's funny because emotions can take over and then all of a
17:01
sudden emotions is going while we can do 800 different things.
17:04
Which then expectations then says, okay.
17:06
No, I mean, I've got a plan, so let's see if we can work together.
17:10
As soon as this, this weekend unfolds, then a sudden.
17:13
Little a rainstorm rolls in.
17:16
So the expectations, commonly reviews, the backup plan while emotions who was
17:21
initially disappointed, that's fine.
17:22
But then they quickly get back to enthusiasm because okay.
17:25
Expectations has a backup plan.
17:27
They go to a museum.
17:28
So at the museum expectations now is saying, you know, let's go
17:31
through the exhibits were here.
17:32
So we present.
17:33
And making sure we're not going to miss any of the highlights, but emotions.
17:36
They are just marveling at the work and artwork and they're sharing their joy.
17:40
They laugh together.
17:41
Expectations and emotions are getting along.
17:42
Great.
17:43
And sometimes they expectations might need to call them emotions down a
17:46
little bit, but sometimes they just say, man, I love these emotions.
17:51
And and just, I want to watch, I want to sit back and watch you just go and beam.
17:55
So when they work well together, expectations and emotions,
17:58
they make every trip enjoyable, memorable, even though there can
18:01
be these changes in expectations.
18:04
Now emotions might react pretty quickly, but then they can come back around
18:07
and they can, they can appreciate that there are expectations and plans.
18:12
But I think , you can see that when expectations and emotions,
18:15
when they are just working well together, when they're in flow.
18:18
Then they can make this entire experience,
18:20
whatever the experience is far more richer and more fulfilling.
18:24
And so let's talk about when they don't get along.
18:28
so I think that you can see here that in this scenario, the
18:30
roles that they're playing you can almost look at expectations.
18:33
Is this a more of this wise?
18:35
I'm seasoned.
18:36
Experience planner and they like organization.
18:39
They like to set goals.
18:41
And I know for me personally, expectations.
18:44
Is not one of the people that is up in the front of the bus.
18:47
That's that's driving the.
18:49
, the bus of my life.
18:50
I want to say, is that a short bus?
18:53
, there's definitely the expectations is on the bus.
18:55
So I think that's, that's the thing,
18:57
But emotions are more of this vibrant, expressive individual.
19:00
This part of you.
19:01
Who responds there.
19:02
There's reactions to the world around them and can respond with all the well
19:07
emotions, enthusiasm, joy, sadness, anger, and everything in between.
19:12
And I think that we really need to make sure that we're making room for this
19:16
person, emotions, this part of you.
19:19
Because so often I think we are suppressing emotions, because , we
19:22
go back to that narrative.
19:24
Growing up.
19:24
If we were continually told that don't worry about it.
19:27
It's not a big deal.
19:28
Calm down.
19:28
We don't talk that way.
19:30
That our emotions were in essence, internalized pretty young.
19:33
And we still feel like we need permission to let our emotions.
19:37
Out , and whatever those are sometimes we think, okay, well,
19:40
I can have the happy emotions.
19:42
But even then at times we think, okay, am I being too happy?
19:46
Am I being prideful.
19:47
Am I not worrying about enough things?
19:50
. Let's do a different scenario where the same characters we've got expectations.
19:53
So we've got emotions.
19:54
And this is where they are at odds with each other.
19:57
They're going to talk about a missed promotion opportunity at work.
20:02
So expectations, pitcher them.
20:03
Now they're sitting at their desk and they are looking at their just carefully
20:07
laid out plans for career advancement.
20:10
A little little bit of certainty is what expectations are hoping for.
20:13
They're hoping that if I can plan well enough, then I
20:16
know what is going to happen.
20:18
Which again, adorable but we've got to have that psychological
20:21
flexibility in there.
20:23
Because that certainty is something that I think my daughter Sydney said
20:26
on a Tik TOK live recently, that the only thing certain is uncertainty.
20:30
And I like that vibe.
20:32
But expectations.
20:33
And they're sitting at their desk, they're reviewing their, all their plans,
20:36
their 30 day goals, their 90 day, their one year their five-year their 10 year.
20:40
All of these things that they are laying out to make sure that they know exactly
20:45
where they're going in their life.
20:46
, , Q scene.
20:47
So the expectations is saying, you know, I was really sure
20:50
I would get that promotion.
20:52
And at that point, expectations is pretty pretty disappointed.
20:55
They got a frown on their face.
20:56
So emotions, they come into the room, they are visibly upset.
21:00
This is unfair.
21:01
I am angry.
21:01
I am disappointed.
21:03
And they are just shouting they're pacing back and forth.
21:06
And expectations.
21:07
Kind of size and says, man, we had everything planned perfectly.
21:11
I mean, this was not supposed to happen.
21:13
I was supposed to get the promotion and this is what was going to happen next.
21:16
And that if now, what am I supposed to do with the next
21:19
stages of my life, my career.
21:21
And emotions actually becomes pretty overwhelmed and with a lot of frustration.
21:25
And so then they snap back.
21:26
What's even the point of planning.
21:27
If things don't ever go our way, if we don't know what's going to
21:30
happen, why are we even wasting the time doing the planning?
21:32
At this point, you got emotions and you have expectations.
21:36
And in a stare off, they're just glaring at each other.
21:38
You can feel the tension rising.
21:39
Expectations when put under pressure often becomes very rigid
21:43
and they have a hard time seeing beyond the current failed plan.
21:48
And then emotions when they pick up on that rigidity and that frustration.
21:51
Now they spiral, they let anger, they let sadness take over.
21:56
And you can.
21:57
Maybe feel that at times when you said, okay, this is what I want
22:01
to do next, or I hope to do next.
22:02
And then it doesn't happen.
22:03
And now.
22:04
it's those emotions often feed off of those expectations, which is why I think
22:07
it's so important to have this flexibility built in this acceptance built in.
22:12
It's great to have expectations.
22:14
It's great to have some idea of what direction you want to go.
22:17
But when we are so rigid and fixed on I'm at point a right
22:22
now, and I ha I know what Z is.
22:24
I have to get there.
22:25
Then we're going to basically invite emotions to come play.
22:29
A major, major role.
22:31
And I want them to play a role in our lives because we've stuffed them for
22:34
so long and they can be our guide.
22:36
And we need to make room for them.
22:38
We need to let, let them.
22:39
I let him just be an exist, but that doesn't mean we have to react to them.
22:43
So days have passed now expectations.
22:46
Sulking around.
22:47
They won't look at new opportunities cause they keep going back and looking
22:50
at the, what they had planned this, these, what am I supposed to do now?
22:54
These are my, these, this is what was supposed to happen next.
22:56
So they won't look at new opportunities.
22:58
So then emotions now they are just having a field day.
23:02
They're lashing out at colleagues and friends and venting their frustration.
23:06
And the unfortunate part is the constant conflict between emotions and
23:11
expectations just makes things worse, creating a toxic environment for both.
23:15
Which is you and it's happening internally.
23:17
And I think that's so often when we have the.
23:19
That that discomfort from.
23:22
Unmet expectations.
23:24
And then stuffed emotions that now are saying, okay.
23:27
This is sometimes the only chance I have to breathe is when I can wait.
23:30
And all I can just get really angry or frustrated.
23:33
Then we start to feel bad.
23:34
And then what do we do with our discomfort?
23:36
Oftentimes we play small.
23:38
We acquiesce we try to fit some mold that somebody else thinks that we
23:41
should do or how we should act or be.
23:44
And it just, it, it exacerbates the situation.
23:46
It makes it worse.
23:48
So now eventually say a friend intervene, suggesting that expectations, emotions,
23:52
you guys need to talk things out that friend, maybe we could call them.
23:56
Therapists, we call them mindfulness meditation.
23:58
But expectations and emotions.
24:00
They finally sit down together.
24:01
And expectations is gonna just be honest.
24:04
Hey, I'm hurt because I feel like we work so hard.
24:07
And that helps them soften a little bit.
24:09
It's like, we're acknowledging, we're accepting that.
24:10
Yeah, that would that's.
24:12
That would hurt.
24:13
We have worked hard we've we planned, this was where we thought we would be.
24:17
And.
24:18
And emotions to saying, okay.
24:19
I know.
24:20
But holding onto that hurt, I think is making things worse.
24:24
And as emotions is starting to be able to be let out and to be heard.
24:29
And the two of them are softening.
24:32
Then the emotions are starting to calm down.
24:34
Yeah.
24:35
Maybe we need to adjust our plants.
24:37
I don't know.
24:37
Maybe we need to be open to other opportunities.
24:40
So at that point, emotions, expectations can start to find
24:43
a little more common ground.
24:44
And so the expectations can start to be a little more flexible because these
24:48
two are starting to work together.
24:49
Expectations can start saying, all right, let's take a look
24:52
at some new new opportunities.
24:54
Let's say we're point B.
24:55
Now how about we don't worry about Z.
24:58
How about we now worry about X or Y it's where emotions comes
25:02
in and says, well, I hear you.
25:03
It's not a bad idea.
25:04
How about we just go with B what's next on the horizon.
25:08
And I have spoke often about when I got out of the computer software industry,
25:12
I had a couple of job opportunities.
25:14
I was looking into pharmaceutical sales.
25:15
I was looking into financial planning.
25:17
I still have a letter that is after two or three rounds of job interviews with apple.
25:23
Where I thought I was really going to have a opportunity to advance my career there.
25:27
And I mean, who would have wanted that 20 years ago with where
25:30
apple stock has gone through the roof over the last two decades?
25:33
But I digress.
25:34
That's where my emotions want to come in and say, yeah, who would want that to.
25:37
Possibly to be worth a whole lot of money.
25:40
That wouldn't be very fun.
25:41
But what I love about that was then that just, it took me out back to
25:44
grad school to become a therapist, to be, even to be a therapist.
25:47
I didn't see myself actually practicing.
25:49
I thought it would help me.
25:51
With more of my writing.
25:52
I was writing a newspaper column at that time.
25:55
I'd just become a new father, which is fascinating because I'm
25:58
about to become a new grandfather.
25:59
And I was writing a humorous columns about parenting, and I thought,
26:03
well, who's going to buy a book about parenting from just some columnist in.
26:07
In a small town.
26:08
And I thought, well, I'll get some letters by my name, but I think subconsciously
26:12
secretly was that just my true desire to head down this path, but I, I wasn't even
26:18
almost willing to give myself permission.
26:19
So you go back to grad school, become the therapist, and now
26:22
here we are 20 plus years later.
26:24
And it's just the greatest thing in my life.
26:26
And and I never anticipated that.
26:28
This would be my point.
26:29
I was about to say Z, but maybe I'm an M or in Oop.
26:33
I've got those, those letters down.
26:35
But even S even with that said, if expectations is starting to consider
26:40
new opportunities, it's fair that emotions now that they're starting to
26:43
be, let out a little bit more, that they're going to say, can I have a
26:45
little bit of a say, or at least, can you let me have a little more free run?
26:48
And so, because they were hurt during that whole thing too.
26:51
So they are going to say I it's, I am going to support these
26:54
new ideas with a little more we'll call it cautious optimism.
26:58
But by acknowledging that internal conflict or in this scenario, if
27:01
we've externalized emotion and expectation, but by acknowledging
27:05
that, okay, this is difficult.
27:07
It's okay.
27:07
We're accepting that this is what's happening.
27:09
Now they start to work together.
27:10
They can start to understand each other expectations and emotions.
27:13
Then in this scenario, Started the heel they're moving forward.
27:16
They're learning that flexibility.
27:18
And in this scenario, open communication, which really means accepting that
27:23
it's okay to feel certain ways and it's okay to have disappointment.
27:27
It's okay to have anger.
27:28
It's okay to have excitement.
27:29
And as we start to learn to feel our emotions and notice them, and maybe
27:34
not be as reactive to them, then you have the things that you need built in.
27:39
To help you learn and grow but I think it's so important to acknowledge that
27:45
that growth does come from discomfort.
27:48
And my marriage course.
27:49
I like the say that we're so afraid of contention.
27:53
Because that's uncomfortable that we avoid tension altogether because tension
27:56
is starting to feel uncomfortable.
27:58
And if we can learn to two.
28:02
Acknowledge discomfort.
28:03
Sit with discomfort, not try to get rid of it.
28:05
Don't diffuse it into your relationship.
28:07
Or don't try to get someone else to validate you or tell you it's okay.
28:12
Because at some point.
28:15
We are.
28:15
Okay.
28:16
It's the first time we're going through life as us and the
28:19
things that are happening to us.
28:20
Are happening.
28:21
Check that out.
28:22
And when we go beat ourselves up or ruminate about the past, man, I
28:25
wish I would have done this better.
28:27
Or I've been feeling this way for a long time.
28:29
Then acceptance is one of the biggest keys that you can, you can use.
28:34
It's man.
28:35
Yeah.
28:35
That would have been better if we would've figured this out sooner.
28:38
Absolutely.
28:39
Acceptance.
28:40
But here we are.
28:41
Because this is now when we're figuring things out.
28:44
And then we start to then project to get our crystal balls out.
28:47
But what if the future doesn't end up being the way that I hope it will be?
28:50
And what if I don't even know what the future's going to
28:52
look like, then that does feel.
28:54
It can feel a bit scary.
28:55
Uncertainty can feel scary.
28:58
But then that it's that feeling by not acknowledging the feeling,
29:01
not letting that feeling to, to be able to express itself.
29:04
That then we are trying to get rid of it.
29:06
And how do we get rid of that feeling?
29:07
Well, I need certainty.
29:09
So I'm going to lock me back in on what I know the familiar.
29:12
And the thing that could actually help me the most.
29:15
I'm going to kick that down the road.
29:16
I'm going to kick that can down the road, it's that concept in
29:19
acceptance and commitment therapy.
29:21
Of the confidence gap, the book I love by Russ Harris, but it's, that will say,
29:25
okay, now I just got to start getting the confidence and then I'll be able
29:28
to do, I'll be able to make the change.
29:30
And I think that's just the lovable story that our brain is telling us.
29:33
Because we know what right now feels like it, and it can feel familiar.
29:38
But cause to get the confidence, we actually have to start doing the thing.
29:42
And that thing may change.
29:43
That's where the psychological flexibility comes in.
29:46
The, whatever that thing is, it will.
29:49
It will change depending on the things that we're doing now, being
29:52
present here in this present moment will then show us what point C and
29:57
D and E what those will look like.
29:59
Okay.
30:00
So what have we learned today?
30:01
Let's go back to that, that simple explanation that at a very basic
30:05
level expectations, what we think should happen in a given situation.
30:09
Emotions those feelings about what's happening.
30:11
But when those expectations match our reality or what we
30:15
are thinking should happen.
30:17
Then we usually feel pretty, okay.
30:19
We might be happy, but when there's a mismatch, as we saw, when our reality of
30:24
what we believe will happen, falls short of what actually is happening, then we
30:29
can feel disappointed and frustrated and even angry, but we're wired to not want to
30:35
feel those things or when we let them out.
30:37
They are just going to come screaming out of the gate because
30:39
we've suppressed them for so long.
30:41
Expectations.
30:43
Can be about ourselves.
30:44
They can be about others.
30:45
They can be about situations.
30:47
And I think it's, it's interesting to just note that we form those expectations based
30:53
on our past experiences, based on the cultural norms, based on personal desires.
30:58
And I think that you can really make the case that a lot of our expectations could
31:02
come from pretty random things as well.
31:05
And they can come from a place that you moved in a billboard that
31:07
you drive by every day as a kid.
31:08
And just look out the window.
31:10
And maybe I remember I had some challenges with with dental work as a kid.
31:15
I was racing another kid.
31:17
I think it was nine or 10.
31:18
And.
31:19
We were just running.
31:20
I looked back to see if I'm winning.
31:22
And unfortunately on this day, I, when I won.
31:25
And then when I turn back around, there's a fence that just has a chain.
31:29
That's going from between two wooden posts.
31:31
And so it knocked a bunch of my teeth out and I had to have these, this
31:34
brace put in, they found a couple of the teeth on the ground, and I think
31:37
they tuck them back in there with them and put them back in with this brace.
31:41
And that combined with driving by this dental billboard, I think on
31:44
the way to school for a long time, I thought I need to be a dentist.
31:48
That's what I'm going to do.
31:48
I'm going to be a dentist.
31:49
I go to the dentist now a lot.
31:50
Not now, but I wish I did more.
31:53
But as a kid, because I had to get this brace adjusted and see what was going on
31:57
with these teeth that I had knocked out.
31:59
And it's really funny to just think that that experience.
32:02
It it did for I had strong opinions about the expectations that I had in life.
32:08
And interestingly enough, as I.
32:10
Went on my academic journey and realize not a big fan of science.
32:14
Maybe math was not my strongest subject.
32:17
Then I did feel a tremendous amount of disappointment that
32:21
I did not think that I could.
32:22
I get into something like a dental school.
32:24
So forming those expectations on experiences and cultural
32:28
norms and personal desires.
32:29
And then, but how that also shows up as if you are someone that's punctual, because.
32:34
Maybe that's something that you're taught by your family and it might be
32:37
a positive reinforcement version of something top of your family, or it can
32:40
be a negative one that you got in trouble.
32:42
If you were going to be late.
32:43
Or you would literally get left on a ride and have to walk yourself back to school.
32:48
If you've got left, then you might be more punctual, but then you also now
32:52
might have these expectations that your friends will also be on time because
32:56
you're the one that values punctuality.
32:58
And then emotions.
33:00
Just think of that as it is your mind and body's response to what's happening.
33:04
And I love in the book emotionally focused therapy for dummies of all things.
33:08
They talk about how our emotions travel.
33:11
Two and a half times faster than logic.
33:13
It's that visceral or gut reaction.
33:15
And you have to work pretty intentionally with a meditative
33:18
or mindfulness practice to be able to build more of a pause in there.
33:22
Or else that visceral or gut reaction is happening so fast.
33:26
The example of, of seeing things out of the corner of your eye, your
33:29
peripheral vision, and then you recoil you react and then recognize
33:33
that it isn't even a threat.
33:34
But that visceral, that gut reaction, the emotions are so fast.
33:38
And they are there.
33:39
They're hoping to protect you.
33:41
So when we are feeling bad about those emotions or stuffing those
33:44
emotions, then we're actually going against our very programming are
33:48
what can make us safe or protect us.
33:52
And and I think that's why being able to just give yourself
33:55
grace, notice those emotions.
33:57
And allow them to come in so they can tell us a story and
34:01
then see what we have to do.
34:01
Cause sometimes that story is.
34:03
Run get out of here.
34:05
Other times that story is okay.
34:06
That frightened me.
34:07
Why?
34:08
Because they don't have a lot of experience with whatever it
34:10
is that I'm now experiencing.
34:13
But I think it's so important to recognize that if we can start to
34:17
acknowledge emotion and not try to push away the discomfort, but learn that
34:21
this discomfort is an area for growth.
34:23
Then those emotions can serve as pretty good signals and they can let us know
34:27
even how we're experiencing a situation.
34:30
Happiness might signal things are going well.
34:32
Frustration might signal that something is not going as expected.
34:35
Anger might signal that there is an injustice that's happening right now.
34:39
And when our expectations are met, then we normally feel positive emotions.
34:45
So you can even see why then I want a plan and I want things to go according to
34:49
plan, because that, that robotically may give me, , may give me positive emotion.
34:53
But when they're not met, then here comes the negative emotions.
34:56
If you expect a relaxing weekend, but they ended up dealing with work
34:59
or, your lawn floods or somebody gets sick , then you can feel stressed
35:04
and frustrated because you had an expectation that things would go easy.
35:08
And so then it, doesn't your expectations change and you lack the psychological
35:14
flexibility to just acknowledge this as happening and emotions.
35:18
What do you guys have to say?
35:19
I'm disappointed about this weekend.
35:22
Same.
35:22
Absolutely.
35:23
I am as well.
35:24
Thank you because I think we're in the same page.
35:26
Now let's go deal with whatever this situation is.
35:29
Let's shift those expectations a little bit, become a little bit
35:31
more psychologically flexible, and I promise you emotions.
35:33
You, you will be with us every step of the way.
35:36
'cause I I'll even check in with you.
35:38
I will.
35:39
So, how do you manage the expectations in essence to manage emotions?
35:44
The first step of that is awareness.
35:46
Just becoming aware of your expectations.
35:47
Are they realistic?
35:48
Are they based on assumptions or facts?
35:49
Are they socially compliant goals?
35:51
Are your expectations, things that you think you should do?
35:54
I remember working with someone that, that when they first started.
35:57
Coming to me, they had a tremendous amount of anxiety having panic attacks
36:00
because they really wanted to get into a particular type of graduate school.
36:05
But then the more we talked, they didn't even like the field that they were in.
36:09
Forget the fact of having to go to graduate school or having to get
36:13
the good grades to get into the grad school, to take the program
36:15
that they didn't even want to take.
36:17
So are a lot of your expectations built around the things that you think
36:21
you should do and there's that bad.
36:23
Should.
36:24
Because no one likes to be should on.
36:27
A life lived of socially compliant goals.
36:29
This one that will be driven to a lot of experiential avoidance.
36:33
What else can I do other than this thing that I.
36:36
I know air quotes that I'm supposed to do that I really don't want to do.
36:40
Are your expectations realistic?
36:42
Are they based on assumptions?
36:43
Are they based on facts?
36:44
Are they based on anything that even really matters to you?
36:45
And if you feel that right now, That's the chance to start to
36:50
untangle or diffuse your thoughts.
36:53
Those.
36:54
Hey, I have to do it this way to then check that out.
36:57
I'm noticing that I have to do it this way.
36:59
That doesn't feel right again.
37:01
I'm letting you back in emotions.
37:03
So now let's start to go on a deep dive of what are my values.
37:06
Let's start there and then we can start to figure out what it, what
37:08
it does feel like to be me and the things that are important to me.
37:11
And that concept of flexibility is so key, trying to stay
37:14
flexible with, with expectations.
37:16
Life's pretty unpredictable and things don't always go as planned.
37:19
I think some would argue, they rarely go as planned.
37:23
And this does become a lot of confirmation bias.
37:26
What you see your implicit memory, what it feels like to be you that's based on
37:29
the slow residue of lived experience.
37:31
As that if I am psychologically flexible and it's okay to have these expectations.
37:35
I'm acknowledging, I'm accepting the fact that things may change because then I'm
37:39
not trying to manage everything around me.
37:41
So that change will not occur.
37:43
But I'm going to say, I'm going to start heading down the path of expectation.
37:47
And then let's see where this takes me, but here comes the adventure.
37:50
All right, there you are feelings.
37:51
There you are.
37:52
Okay.
37:52
I see this expectation was maybe unrealistic.
37:55
But it was a, it was a good start.
37:57
So that's going to head me down a different path now.
38:00
But then I think communication is so key as well.
38:03
Communication to yourself.
38:05
Of just of acknowledging giving yourself grace, not trying to, you know, I
38:09
don't even wanna think this cause then you're gonna think it even more.
38:11
But check this out.
38:12
This is what I'm thinking.
38:13
Check this out.
38:14
I was thinking that this would be a lot easier.
38:16
That is definitely something.
38:17
But that acceptance, I love the concept of acceptance.
38:20
Acceptance doesn't mean apathy.
38:21
It means to take in without defense in its entirety.
38:24
And why?
38:24
I just got excited about that is I am in my California office when I'm here.
38:28
I go see a movie with my son and his girlfriend whenever I'm in town.
38:32
And we saw super scary movie last night, the strangers or something.
38:35
And I it's that acceptance.
38:37
And I know this, I say this on when I speak about this on podcast.
38:41
I don't like to be scared.
38:43
Oh my goodness.
38:43
I don't like to be scared.
38:44
I don't.
38:45
And if I just said.
38:47
So I'm gonna avoid everything that would scare me.
38:49
Then I would have missed out on a pretty fun evening last night, getting
38:53
to talk with Jake and Taylor, getting to go to this movie, eating popcorn.
38:56
One of my favorites.
38:57
And just getting out and we had a shared experience and we talked
39:01
about other things in life.
39:03
And I got scared.
39:04
Oh my goodness.
39:04
I got scared.
39:05
I watched so much of this movie through my hand.
39:07
I had my hat.
39:08
I'm watching it through the little thing that's above, where you connect
39:12
your hat on the back of the latch.
39:14
Because this, I just was not feeling, I checked my heart rate several times.
39:18
I answered a couple of texts.
39:19
I did turn the screen down really, really low because I thought, okay, if I can just
39:23
kind of distract myself, I can do this.
39:25
I said to Jake, a couple of times, I think I want to go home.
39:28
But I was scared.
39:29
But that acceptance was that.
39:31
Oh yeah.
39:31
But then there were also moments where I thought, okay, that's kind of clever that
39:34
part of the story, that part of the story.
39:36
And then, uh, we talked about it when we were done with the movie,
39:38
but we had a shared experience and that part is amazing.
39:41
So, uh, communicating with yourself, acceptance, just practice, accepting
39:45
that you cannot control things.
39:46
Some things are beyond our control and that's okay.
39:49
As a matter of fact, that's where I still believe that it is.
39:51
It's absolutely good to have these expectations.
39:54
Setting goals, those things onboard.
39:57
But, but then have that psychological flexibility.
40:00
Because I feel that so often even.
40:04
Even setting the goal is just, oh, another muse to then say, all right,
40:09
I'm heading in this direction.
40:11
But when people are so rigid about, I have to do everything within
40:14
my power to achieve this goal.
40:17
No.
40:17
I, I really think that the goal is then going to say, okay, let's see
40:21
how I feel or think about this, wherever, whatever direction I'm going.
40:24
So if I set a goal again of maybe let's say I'm gonna set a goal
40:27
of reading two books a month.
40:29
And then I start doing that and I recognize that, okay, I'm not getting
40:33
that done well, then it brings up some emotion and rather than beat myself
40:37
up, because I don't like that emotion.
40:39
And I'm used to than trying to play small, to get rid of that discomfort or anxiety
40:43
by then saying, man, what was I thinking?
40:45
I am just.
40:46
I can't do that.
40:47
I don't have time or I'm not a speed reader versus saying, okay.
40:51
I started with that goal.
40:52
And now why is that not be getting accomplished?
40:55
Is it because quite frankly, I don't like the books I'm reading.
40:59
So then is it a, I need to read one psychology book per month or is it two
41:04
fiction books a month or so everything that I'm doing then gives me more data
41:08
and opportunity for growth for me.
41:11
Um, so we'll wrap this up managing emotions to manage expectations.
41:16
Uh, what are some tools that can help with that?
41:18
Mindfulness because staying present, being aware of your emotions, but without
41:22
judgment, check those out that helps you understand why you're feeling a
41:25
certain way, change your relationship with your thoughts and emotions.
41:28
And then emotional regulation is key.
41:30
And this is one of those concepts that you need to be doing in the downtime.
41:33
Learn techniques to calm yourself when you're feeling overwhelmed, such as
41:36
the deep breathing or taking a break.
41:38
And those when we get out of the discomfort and then oftentimes we tell
41:43
ourselves I'll never do that again.
41:45
And then it alleviates our discomfort.
41:48
But then we don't do anything.
41:50
Like practice emotional regulation techniques that would actually help us.
41:54
Avoid or not even avoid, but notice that discomfort is, is on its way.
41:59
If I'm noticing, oh, starting to feel something starting to get my heart
42:02
rate started elevate a little bit.
42:03
Now I can go outside.
42:05
I can take a breath.
42:06
I just did it right here in my studio.
42:07
I just squared off my shoulders.
42:09
I'm sitting up much straighter.
42:11
I opened my chest because now my body already knows that, oh, if we're
42:14
going to start doing these emotional regulation, things that we need to
42:17
get grounded, we need to be present.
42:19
And then you're able to do things like reframe, okay.
42:22
This is where I thought this was going.
42:23
Let me, let me take a little different perspective.
42:25
And act, we talk, we call it self in context where I can step back in that
42:30
very moment and say, check this out.
42:31
This is what I'm doing.
42:32
This is what I'm thinking.
42:33
This is my expectation.
42:35
Um, now I can notice that, which is one of the ways to help me diffuse
42:38
from this rigid expectation about what needs to happen next, or else I'm going
42:42
to tell myself that I'm a failure.
42:44
No, first time I'm being me in this situation.
42:47
So then what can I learn from this?
42:49
Is there a positive side and the answer is, is yeah, sometimes that.
42:53
Positive side comes in hindsight, because again, tell somebody what
42:57
you're going through in the moment.
42:59
, well, you'll never be given more than you can handle or all these things will
43:02
be for your good and you're going to.
43:03
You can get something thrown at you.
43:05
I remember as a therapist early on.
43:07
Carton out those gyms.
43:09
To somebody that's going through absolute.
43:11
The worst situations in their life.
43:14
But then at some point, That has , made you stronger.
43:17
I , it really, really has if.
43:19
If you think he can't do it anymore?
43:20
Well, you, you are, you did, you're going to get through it.
43:24
Then starting to put these skills into place is when you recognize
43:27
that you're a little stronger than you think, and it's okay to have the
43:31
emotions that you have, and you can have your expectations because they
43:35
are yours based off of your experience.
43:37
And then you did make it.
43:38
And you are.
43:38
Okay.
43:39
And so now review that game film because sometimes when we go back
43:41
and we want to think about things, we don't, we don't want to think about
43:44
them because they make us uncomfortable.
43:45
Comfortable, but we can look at those things as opportunities for growth.
43:48
It's just, it's an amazing experience.
43:50
So being aware of those expectations, , learning , to give them space , is a
43:55
concept around managing the managing doesn't mean controlling them, but you can
43:59
start to really prevent a lot of these.
44:01
Really negative.
44:03
And I'm talking about shame-based emotions from a rising.
44:06
And then by being able to be very aware and letting in your emotions
44:09
and giving them space and room and even thanking them for being there.
44:12
You start to gain a clear perspective on what your expectations are
44:15
and then you can adjust them.
44:17
, as needed, it's about finding that balance.
44:19
, of being kind to yourself in the process.
44:22
Okay.
44:22
, I have more, examples of, uh, illustrating , how this plays
44:26
out in emotionally immature and emotionally mature responses.
44:29
And maybe what we'll do is we'll do that one over on the
44:31
waking up to narcism podcast.
44:33
So thanks for joining me today.
44:34
If you have questions, thoughts, examples, please send them to me.
44:38
, and, , I look forward to talking with you again next week on the virtual couch.