Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E267: From Nicole to Neeza to Christ: Breaking Free From a False Identity | Lila Rose Show

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E267: From Nicole to Neeza to Christ: Breaking Free From a False Identity | Lila Rose Show · The Lila Rose Show

0:00
Even at 10 years old, I thought because of bowling it would be
0:03
better to wake up and be a girl. Were you afraid to use the
0:06
bathroom at school? Oh yeah, like I was afraid of my
0:08
life. I just saw a lot of safety,
0:11
being more and more and more feminine.
0:13
Now I'm untouchable. The girls are letting me into
0:16
their bathroom. Every document since I've been
0:19
an adult legally says I am a female named Nicole Did.
0:23
You ever have a Christian reach out to you?
0:25
People don't realize that you could go your whole life with
0:28
never hearing that. Jesus Christ, this is your Lord
0:30
and Savior. So sad.
0:35
He realized he could make himself untouchable by
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identifying as a woman, but it came with great costs.
0:41
So he lived 12 years as Nicole, changing everything about
0:45
himself, even his own birth certificate.
0:47
And he had never once heard the gospel until one day in the most
0:51
unexpected place. Now Nisa Powers is on fire with
0:55
the love of God, showing day by day the path of conversion that
0:58
he's on. These are the kinds of stories
1:00
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1:02
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1:05
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1:36
studio. Go check that out at
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patreon.com/lila Rose Show. Nisa, thank you so much for
1:42
coming on the podcast. I'm happy to be here.
1:45
I'm also happy that you agreed to do a remote style interview
1:49
being completely across the country and I'm leaving out of
1:53
the country. It just I was happy to be able
1:56
to do this remotely. I'm glad you're doing it with me
1:59
remotely, but you got to come in studio, so maybe after, maybe
2:03
after your confirmation. Oh that would be great.
2:05
Easter that we can plan it and then come on then.
2:08
Yeah, You know, I've never been to LA.
2:10
La Land and or Lyla Land, maybe you guys call it over there, but
2:14
Los Angeles scares me. It seems like a big city with a
2:17
lot of problems. I actually recommend you don't
2:20
fly into LA flying into John Wayne because we're we're South
2:24
of Los Angeles, OK, much better experience.
2:27
Los Angeles is is it is truly LAX is truly a nightmare you
2:31
don't want to have. Maybe I'll run into like, Chris
2:33
Pratt, Captain America, and, you know, talk about Catholicism
2:37
with him. You know, I know it's the land
2:38
of celebrities. So who knows, Maybe I'll find.
2:41
Could be a colleague Mesa. Yeah, but happy.
2:44
To be here, I'm there have been probably at least five, if not
2:49
ten people like people close to me, personal friends who have
2:53
sent me your stuff. So I've been watching it now for
2:55
months, but who've said it to me and said you have to talk to
2:57
Nisa, you have to have visa on. And then when we ask our
3:00
audience like who should we have on the show, people are saying
3:02
Nisa, Nisa, Nisa. So I'm really glad that we're
3:05
doing this. Thank you for making the time
3:07
and I am just really excited to see what God's doing in your
3:10
life and happy to get to talk to you.
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So very excited for the conversation.
3:14
Thanks. Yeah, it's, it's amazing how
3:16
quickly my my story was spreading.
3:20
And I truly believe it's, it's divine and God wants this story
3:25
of redemption out there and the story of trusting without
3:29
knowing what's next. And that was hard for me to
3:33
surrender everything and not know what's on the other side.
3:37
And I I truly believe God's working in my videos and and
3:40
getting them hopefully to the right eyes.
3:43
You said something earlier when we were praying, I think you
3:46
used the phrase voice of a generation and or reaching,
3:50
reaching this generation obviously with your voice.
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And that really resonated with me because this is such a unique
3:57
time and world history, American history, the specific evils that
4:01
we're facing and wounds that people are struggling with.
4:04
And I think what you're, what you've been through, what you're
4:07
living, the healing journey that you're on now is resonating with
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so many millions of people because it truly is a story of
4:14
the age. So, yeah, thank you for being
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willing to be vulnerable. I know that that's something
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that can be really difficult for people, but you're doing it and
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showing up daily. And that in and of itself takes
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courage. Thank you.
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So thank you. And I want to honor you first
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for that. And yeah, excited to just dive
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in and get to Share your story more completely with this show
4:35
and with our audience here. Yeah, thank you for
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understanding that vulnerability is is not easy.
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And I feel sometimes when I'm not vulnerable enough, I'm, I'm
4:45
somehow called out for that. And I, you know, there is only
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one judge in my life and that's Jesus Christ.
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So I am not here to please the masses.
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I'm just here to share my story and to show the goodness of God.
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And if I lack vulnerability in some posts, that's, you know, I
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don't owe that to, to anybody. I'm, I'm answering to a, a judge
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and jury of 1. And I I'll continue to do that.
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So tell me first, Nisa, when you where you're from originally?
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Yeah, give us a little snapshot of your childhood and then tell
5:22
us when you first started experiencing gender dysphoria.
5:26
Yeah, great childhood. I had no traumatic events in
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childhood, as I see in other stories that lead to a
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transgender lifestyle. That wasn't me.
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I was just, I was a young boy who gravitated towards some more
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societal feminine things. I like I said, I enjoy dancing a
5:46
lot and I still do. And I think there were blurred
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lines between intense bullying and not understanding that
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interests don't define your identity.
5:59
That really started impacting me.
6:02
Maybe as early as elementary school, maybe 10-11 years old, I
6:05
started to notice. Why am I the only boy that has
6:09
all girlfriends? Why don't the boys like me?
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Oh, I don't, I don't play football and soccer and I'm not
6:17
masculine enough for them. Even as early as 10.
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No one's even gone through puberty yet, you know, why am I
6:23
autumn? Why am I already being
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ostracized for being a feminine kid in the word gay or trans or
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or, you know, sexuality That had never entered my mind yet.
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I, I never thought actually let me think, even at 10 years old.
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I thought because of bowling it would be better to wake up and
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be a girl. I I thought that at that age,
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but it wasn't overcoming. It was just the idea that my
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friends who are girls are not being picked on so incessantly.
6:57
Maybe that would be better if I were more like them, but that
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didn't really take root until late middle school, early high
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school. Did you there?
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Was there anyone that noticed you were being bullied, bullied
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or did you ever, were you ever able to express you were being
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bullied to anybody around that time?
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Yeah, I wasn't. I wasn't hiding it at all.
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I'd come home in tears saying I'm not going to school, don't
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put me back on the bus. Don't you know, don't make me go
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somewhere else. Let me go.
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You know, here, I can't do it anymore.
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Like I, you know, I'm getting thrown into trash cans and spit
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on and, you know, being called every name under the book.
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I voice that to a lot of people. But you know, I what, what truly
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are you going to do? Teachers can talk to the
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bullies. Counselors can talk.
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My parents can offer me coping mechanisms, but you know, are
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they going to listen or maybe they're going to retaliate more?
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And, and there definitely were points where I'm like, OK,
8:00
nothing's being done. Let like I need to solve this on
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my own. And I just really started
8:08
leaning into a hyper feminine version of myself because I
8:12
noticed that when I stopped trying to man up with some of
8:16
these bullies and just started really leaning into that hyper
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feminine version, I was kind of untouchable.
8:23
Right when I became the queer or, or girly kind of guy who was
8:29
like, OK, now I'm untouchable. The girls are letting me into
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their bathroom to use at lunchtime.
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I, I am now safe. And I just saw a lot of safety
8:41
when it came to to school being more and more and more feminine.
8:48
Were you afraid to use the bathroom at school when you got?
8:52
Oh, yeah. Like I was afraid of my life.
8:54
Like I didn't know what would happen when I walked in.
8:57
Absolutely. So at what point did and and you
9:02
said you had a lot of girl like a lot of female friends only did
9:05
you only and did so did you have any siblings growing up Nisa?
9:09
I didn't have a younger sister till I was 13 and I, yeah, her
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and I, thankfully this has brought us a lot closer.
9:17
But with a 14 year age gap, it's not, it wasn't easy to, you
9:23
know, to, to have that relationship, but now we do.
9:27
So not until middle school. And then growing up, what was
9:31
your relationship like with your mom and your dad?
9:33
You said they were beautiful parents, married 35 years.
9:36
And also, how was the relationship different with mom
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versus dad? You know, this is something I
9:43
have never talked about, but my dad and I have the most
9:48
brilliant, perfect relationship, which is kind of weird.
9:52
You know, you think that, you know, living as a trans woman,
9:55
maybe you gravitated towards your mom.
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That was the exact opposite. My mom and I, even still to this
10:01
day, are extremely similar. Like, you know, they'll be
10:07
something as as small as like a phone bill that will cause us to
10:12
not talk for three months. And even though I'll FaceTime
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and talk to my dad, she's sitting right there.
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We won't acknowledge each other. Like, even still to this day,
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it's. And it is something that's been
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upsetting, you know, since I was a kid.
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But there has always been a yeah, a tough relationship with
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my mother, and it sucks, but it's true.
10:36
And and it so it sounds like when you say you guys are very
10:39
similar, you you basically butt heads growing up.
10:43
That was something that because of the similarities, but so you
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felt more in harmony with your dad relationship wise growing
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up. Yeah.
10:50
And, you know, my mom was the breadwinner.
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She has owned a business since I was born.
10:56
My dad was a science teacher and even taught at the school that I
11:00
went to. So, you know, my dad was just
11:03
kind of this course worky, cool science teacher guy.
11:06
And my mom was, you know, CEO of a logistics company and she was
11:11
the reason we could live in a nice neighborhood, you know,
11:14
have nicer things. She was the reason I could go to
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tennis camp or ballet camp. Like, you know, she was a reason
11:20
for a lot of the comforts of our life.
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So it was almost like you needed to submit to her sometimes
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because, you know, she's provided this, this life for the
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family. But, you know, really reflecting
11:32
on my life, maybe you know, it, it sounds bad to talk about in
11:37
modern in modern times of it. Maybe my mind was confused with
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the dynamic of male and female, even just looking at, you know,
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a simple aspect of my mom made more money than my dad.
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It's, it's stupid to think, but as a kid, maybe I maybe I was
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influenced by that. I can't say definitively.
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Yeah, interesting. Well, that, that is something
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that I'm sure as time goes by, if you feel like it's something
12:04
to explore. Yeah.
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I, I know for myself in my own childhood experiences, I feel
12:09
like I learn new things about my own childhood every year as I
12:13
get older, I see it with new eyes, you know, both the, both
12:16
the challenging things and the beautiful things.
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And then when I've had kids, my husband and I, we have three
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kids also, my childhood took on new meaning, right?
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So when I got married, it took on new meaning.
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When I had kids, it took on new meaning.
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So I'm sure that's going to that's an ongoing journey and,
12:30
and I'd love to maybe when you come, hopefully again, when you
12:33
come to studio next year, we'll, we'll deep dive it more because
12:35
we do talk about childhood a lot on the show and how it may
12:38
impact our, you know, adult life and what we can learn from it.
12:42
But but yeah, I mean, there's, there's there's a lot to book
12:45
for, but it sounds like you, you love them, they loved you.
12:48
There were some dynamics that maybe maybe impacted you of
12:52
certainly they impacted you. At what age needs a did you
12:55
start feeling like I want to be a girl?
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And it became more of a obsessive thought or a
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concurrent, you know, regular or frequent thought.
13:06
Yeah, I think the want and need it simultaneously came together.
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I think I wanted to be a girl, but also recognize I needed to
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be a girl of survive. Sophomore year of high school
13:19
was like, this has to happen. What was happening in sophomore
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year of high school that you felt this?
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Happened that I need to you know, boys are bigger there's 18
13:28
year olds now at your school and the bullying was you know, it
13:34
was more was more intense. It wasn't I wasn't getting
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picked on by 11 and 12 year olds.
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I was getting picked on by 18 year old, 17 year old, you know,
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men. And this is, you know, I, I
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think that trying to navigate survival, you know, because as a
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1415 year old boy, I don't think I, I really reached puberty yet.
14:03
I, I recognize that I have no way to defend myself.
14:08
So again, leaning into the hyper feminine version of myself and
14:13
saying, OK, I'm kind of, I'm going to neglect golf and tennis
14:16
now. I'm only going to do ballet and
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dance because if I do this, I'm, I'm even more like them.
14:23
If I start wearing my friends clothes to school, I'm even more
14:26
like them. And now I can survive.
14:30
But if I try and put up, if I try and fight it on my own and
14:34
I, I can't, it wasn't working. No one was coming to help.
14:40
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But how did bullying change? You said the the kids were
16:16
bigger. Now that's 18 year olds.
16:18
You're in high school. It's a different dynamic than
16:20
being in middle school or elementary school.
16:22
What was bullying like for you at 14?
16:27
Being bullied, I should say. Yeah, I think getting punched
16:32
and put into trash cans and like thrown downstairs, like kicked
16:38
downstairs for being, you know, my last name is Powers.
16:42
They would call me flowers Powers and, and, you know, just,
16:46
I mean, I don't know what else, what I can say on this show, but
16:49
obviously, like faggot and, and all these other things are I
16:53
didn't even never even heard until high school what, what
16:56
these slurs wore. But I was the primary faggot at
17:05
school to be picked on. And it became, you know, it was,
17:10
it was like a sport. It was a pastime for some of
17:12
these guys to be able to be like, Oh, like, did you get a
17:15
hit on flowers powers? Like, you know, we can't, we
17:18
can't have this kind of fairy in our, in our school.
17:22
Did anyone ever come to your defense?
17:25
No, no. I'm so sorry, Lisa, I, I know
17:31
you've like it's, it's years ago now, but I, it's just, and I
17:35
know that other kids experience what you what you experienced
17:38
too, and I'm just so sorry. You know, I, I think there's,
17:45
there's AII don't think that boys should be afraid to do the
17:52
things that they like. If they like to dance, great.
17:56
You can still be a boy and dance.
17:59
But there, there's got to be more education and, and more of
18:06
this witnessing to people about about the realities of bullying.
18:12
And obviously we know sometimes it can lead to physical harm,
18:17
suicidal ideations, even transgenderism for survival.
18:23
It's it's weird to think what your brain comes up with as the
18:27
best solution in those those times.
18:30
So I said to you earlier, I never had any traumatic
18:33
experiences. Maybe I'm retracting that
18:36
because when I do talk about my bullying, it wasn't from a
18:39
family side of things, but it was traumatic.
18:42
And I have a lot of it, you know, blocked out of my memory.
18:46
But when I start to recall it and interviews like these, and
18:49
yeah, it makes sense that the brains like, OK, let's survive,
18:53
let's do this. This works.
18:55
You're bullied less when you wear your friend's clothes to
18:57
school, which was weird, right? Like I would be bullied less if
19:00
I showed up in in clothes from friends of mine who were girls.
19:05
I would be bullied less than if I just showed up and and what my
19:08
parents had bought me, you know? Did your parents around this
19:12
time know that you would be dressing as a girl at school or
19:14
would you change when you got there?
19:16
A little bit of both. I mean, I, there's nothing that
19:22
I wish my parents would have done differently.
19:24
I really, it all led me to the Lord and I can't wait to speak
19:27
more about my faith journey. So I don't think that boys and
19:31
girls should go to sleepovers together.
19:34
And when I was in high school, I was, these were my only friends.
19:39
So I was going to these sleepovers and I was introduced
19:42
to a lot of, you know, I, I think that boys and girls, there
19:46
is some really, you know, great things that happened in
19:49
separation. And it just continued to feed
19:53
those blurry lines between, you know, my identity as as a boy to
19:58
become a man and, and this one that I had developed.
20:03
So you know. They saw me in clothes that were
20:09
not the ones they bought me. And I don't know if there were
20:15
many discussions about it, but I think there became a point,
20:20
maybe junior of high school, where I was no longer hiding the
20:25
fact that I wasn't wearing what was in my room.
20:29
I was, you know, I was coming up with with a new way to express
20:34
myself. So at what point did you come
20:37
out as I am a girl or I identify as a girl?
20:41
I am a trans woman. I think the coming out period
20:45
was different for different groups of of my life.
20:49
So my friends, I think as early as 1516, my family, maybe the
20:56
maybe me saying I am a girl, my name is Nicole, didn't really
21:01
happen till 18, but it's, you know, I, I see online now the
21:07
disconnect between what's going on at school and what the
21:10
families actually know. All of my teachers knew, all of
21:14
my friends knew. But you know, I, I didn't really
21:19
want to cross that bridge with my family.
21:21
And, you know, I was going to therapy towards the end of high
21:24
school and, and therapists are telling my parents, you know,
21:28
that I am in the wrong body. And, you know, I'm having these,
21:33
you know, the, the reason for a lot of my stressors, stressors
21:37
in life is because of this disconnect between having a girl
21:42
brain and a boy's body. And you know, they're starting
21:46
to hear these things towards the end of high school.
21:48
But I never actually said I am a girl, mom and dad probably till
21:53
18. That was going to be my next
21:55
question is at what point or was there who was the first person,
21:59
I guess is the question, if you can remember who was the first
22:01
person who said to you Nizza, you're a girl like you've always
22:06
been a girl. You're just, you know, God, you
22:08
were born in the wrong body and that kind of you heard it
22:12
external to maybe the fears or the, you know, the, the sense of
22:16
seeking security and the feminine identity and you heard
22:18
it from an external source. Yeah, I mean, I think I heard it
22:21
a lot from friends like, oh, like you're you're you're a
22:25
girl, you're just like us. And but not from a professional
22:30
or a mature trusted source. Until maybe junior senior of
22:35
high school, school counselors were were the first to affirm
22:42
this delusion. And can you share what that
22:45
looks like when you, when you had that first external kind of
22:49
authority figure saying, yes, Nisa, you are a girl, Let's help
22:53
you be that full, you know, the full girl that you can be.
22:57
Yeah, I think a lot of conversations were centered
22:59
around like how to tell your parents how to, you know, how to
23:03
navigate life and and again, the bullying had subsided, you know,
23:09
once I was this hyper feminine version.
23:12
And again, it still strikes me as weird.
23:14
Like I start wearing makeup and in girls clothes to school and
23:18
now all of a sudden I am no law. Like I've crossed the line
23:22
between just being a feminine boy to like this this other
23:26
thing that I don't know if they thought it was OK to pick on.
23:31
Right. So, you know, I think those
23:33
conversations between counselors were like, this is working.
23:37
Like, let's make it work more. And and so we did.
23:43
Yeah. What's so crazy about that Nisa,
23:46
is they didn't protect you. I mean, what are they supposed
23:49
to say? Like they see a kid that's
23:52
surviving bullying? Like, are they going to say
23:55
like, no, go back. I, I'm, I, I went to AI, didn't
24:00
grow up in a Christian environment, you know, school or
24:03
home or, or, or hobbies. Like, so nowhere did I know that
24:09
I could have a best friend in Jesus, have an identity in
24:13
Christ that didn't come for over a decade later.
24:18
So like, I don't understand. Like I don't blame them for not
24:21
protecting me. I, I, I don't know what would
24:26
have happened. And again, I think the more I
24:28
grow in my faith, the more I realize that this all led me to
24:31
the Lord. And maybe I believe that these
24:34
experiences were necessary in order to be able to speak about
24:38
them now and to share, you know, the difference between having an
24:43
A worldly identity versus having an identity in Christ.
24:48
Wow, Well, I think, and I'm very excited to get to that.
24:52
I know we're kind of leading up to the back story of where you
24:56
know what, who was Nisa before your faith and then who is Nisa
24:59
today or who is Nicole? I guess you could say that was
25:01
the identity you you ended up taking on with the school admin.
25:04
What I mean by that more is that that that you were a bullied kid
25:08
and there's a lot of bullied kids out there, unfortunately,
25:10
right? And, and just kids are suffering
25:12
in general, both the bullies and the bullying, you know, the
25:15
bullies and the bullied, but they realized the bullying went
25:18
down when you were more feminine.
25:20
So they're like, let's go with that, right?
25:21
Instead of addressing the root issue, which is that bullying is
25:24
an issue. But to your point, what can a
25:26
school administer administration do only so much.
25:29
There's only so much it can do in the end.
25:31
So that's. What can they do?
25:33
Other topic to explore. And what can they do without
25:35
having a Christian authority? Like what can a public school in
25:40
the, in the US actually do? And obviously we know they're
25:45
being educated in flawed identities now and flawed, you
25:49
know, ways of understanding sexuality.
25:54
You know, I, I, I just think that the problem is, is getting
25:59
worse. If you have authorities, you
26:01
know, so quick to affirm these lifestyles, so quick because,
26:07
you know, not even just a firm so quick now to encourage it.
26:12
I don't know what what can be done other than having every
26:16
child go to a Christian School. You know, that's just wishful.
26:19
Thinking or private school Christian yeah that's kind of
26:23
the I mean but the the sad thing is the public school should be I
26:27
mean I think having schools available to every child is is
26:30
is important. So this is a whole other
26:32
conversation but empowering parents to be able to choose
26:35
like charter schools things like that is beautiful.
26:36
But even the charter schools today, like in California, if
26:39
it's a faith-based charter school, you don't get money.
26:42
So the government penalizes faith-based schools.
26:47
And if you're a taxpayer, your money cannot go to basically
26:50
teaching values and morals. And instead it goes to teaching
26:53
the secular school. I mean, because I believe
26:55
secularism and LGBT ideology, all these things is its own form
26:58
of a religion. It is a worldview.
27:00
It is have its own idols, its own values, and its own system
27:03
of morality, even if it's a chaotic system.
27:06
So it's not like kids aren't being taught something, but
27:09
they're just being taught something That's not true.
27:11
So you better and it's. Being funded by the government,
27:13
by taxpayers. So what I'm hearing from you,
27:15
Lila, is that you better have rich families if we're going to
27:18
go to a Christian School or you're going to shut your doors.
27:24
I mean, well, it's, it's a big problem.
27:26
I mean, this is one of the big problems I think needs to be
27:29
tackled, which is that, I mean, there's some families that
27:32
choose home school and they can get a little bit of a stipend
27:35
from the government here in California to support their home
27:38
schools. But yeah, for a, for a family
27:40
that's not of a large income unless they get financial aid,
27:44
right. And I often it's the middling,
27:46
the families with kind of the, that are kind of scraping by
27:48
that are more middle income families because if they're
27:51
lower income, they may qualify for financial aid.
27:54
The middle income families struggle to qualify.
27:56
And it's really the ultra rich that don't have an issue.
27:59
So that's a, that's a whole other thing to tackle.
28:02
But I think it's a it's a big problem.
28:05
Yeah, it's interesting to hear. Yeah.
28:08
So, OK, so you become you become Nicole.
28:11
How many years do you live as Nicole?
28:13
12 years, yeah. 12 years as Nicole, 12 years and counting
28:18
that legally I'm Nicole. And that's something I'm
28:20
navigating now, which is probably the most uncomfortable
28:26
thing is that, you know, my birth certificate says Nicole.
28:29
My, you know, every document since I've been an adult legally
28:36
says I am a female named Nicole. So I haven't manned up and and
28:44
done this stuff yet because it's incredibly uncomfortable.
28:47
I don't know if I have to go to a doctor to say, yeah, that's
28:51
that's a man in order to get this stuff changed.
28:53
Like, you know, and I graduated from law school in 2020.
28:56
So I should be more savvy in this legal space.
29:00
But, and I probably could be, I'm just, I don't want to it.
29:05
I've I've held off because, and I can use this as as times to,
29:10
to share the good news of of God, but I I haven't because I'm
29:16
scared. That's wild.
29:20
Yeah. How did you when you got Nicole
29:22
in your birth certificate, how complicated was that process to
29:25
switch your and your? It's not just the name change,
29:27
it's the it's the gender, the sex change on your legal
29:30
documentation. Do you?
29:32
Need like a therapist note or what did you do to to even get
29:35
that? So easy.
29:36
It's so easy like isn't that isn't that yeah.
29:41
So I remember sending a letter from my prescribing physician
29:46
that was prescribing estrogen and testosterone blockers.
29:52
They had this, you know, beautiful letter that that, and
29:55
I remember even the officer like this one works.
29:58
The the other letter didn't work.
29:59
Remember so and so got denied a month ago.
30:02
Like they, they had this perfect letter that they just put my
30:05
name at and I sent this letter in, they sent me a new birth
30:09
certificate in two weeks and I was born Nicole, a female.
30:16
It, it sounds, it sounds wild, but at the time, man, it was
30:21
like, you know, feeding the beast because I was like,
30:25
there's like I was born Nicole, like look, look at my birth
30:30
certificate. You know, I mean it really it
30:34
just it, it feeds it in in a lot of problems we see with so many
30:38
different, you know, trans spaces trans, you know, spaces
30:43
invading, you know, intimate female spaces in the sports
30:46
issue and all of this other stuff all center around I think
30:49
feeding the beast that is identity delusion, like feeding
30:54
that beast, because if you continue to feed it, it feels
30:57
great. And I didn't realize until I
31:00
became a Christian that when I feed my faith, it just it,
31:04
there's a difference between that feeling and, and the joy
31:08
that comes from living for the Lord.
31:09
But I see a lot of those issues I, I see in the trans spaces all
31:13
come from like, what's next? Oh, I got the birth certificate.
31:17
What's next? Oh, I, I joined a, a women's
31:20
golf league. What's next?
31:21
What's next? Oh, I'm, I now I'm in, I'm in
31:23
this space, in that space, What's next?
31:25
Nobody in my life knows who I am.
31:28
What's next? What's next?
31:34
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31:38
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31:41
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32:41
During the years when you were Nicole, did you, what was your,
32:45
what was the state of your soul like?
32:46
What, what in your deepest heart, what was going on?
32:50
And also you mentioned earlier you weren't raised with faith.
32:54
So also, what was going on in terms of your view of God during
32:59
this time? No one has ever asked me what
33:02
the state of my soul is. What?
33:05
Lila, Wow. What was the state of my soul?
33:10
I was so surface level. It's sickening thinking of how I
33:15
was that none of like, no soul, you know?
33:20
No, no, like what was the state of my soul?
33:24
I could tell you the state of every, you know, thing in this
33:28
world. Like what's the state of my, my
33:29
closet or you know, my, my appearance and how many people
33:34
I'm able to deceive about my identity.
33:36
That was the state. That was all I lived for was do
33:41
like the best feeling in the world I remember is having is
33:46
meeting a new friend group and them not knowing a thing about
33:50
me or not having any suspicions about me.
33:53
That was the best feeling. So the state of my soul was just
34:02
a, a, yeah, living for deception and no thought about God at all.
34:08
You know, I studied math and physics.
34:10
So I really, and I still love and I didn't realize how many
34:14
Catholic priests and monks and Friars are incredible physicians
34:18
and, and are physicists and mathematicians.
34:21
But I love space and you know, this philosophical like I did
34:28
like diving into those ideas of, you know, where we came from and
34:33
black holes and, you know, cosmic and and and cosmic
34:37
things. And I still like that.
34:39
But that never led me to having any real thoughts about my own
34:45
faith and in God, like I yeah, the state of my soul that is.
34:53
I can't answer that because it wasn't there like I was.
34:58
I wasn't feeding any part of my soul.
35:02
No, no reflections on that. Did you know any Christians
35:07
during this time? And if you did, what did what
35:09
did you think of them? Or what did you think more
35:10
generally about Christianity, if anything?
35:14
There were Christians. I, I knew that people were
35:17
Christians in high school And I, I, I had a friend, her name was
35:24
Lindsay and she was a cheerleader with me.
35:30
And I remember like me ultimately saying like, you
35:33
know, I'm not going to live the rest of my life as a boy.
35:36
Like I'm, I'm going to be a girl.
35:38
I'm going to be just like you. And she was a Christian and she
35:42
was like my best friend and we no longer were friends.
35:46
Like I remember being extremely hurt that she that was I think
35:53
the first time I realized that someone had ever said that that
35:57
path I was going to take wasn't the best, but she didn't voice
36:03
it like that. She just said that something
36:05
maybe like my parents don't want me to hang out with you anymore.
36:11
Don't want like I, I wish I could reflect more on it, but
36:15
that that was that was hurtful. And the other Christians I knew
36:19
were this, you know, small group in high school that were part of
36:24
something called Young Life. I don't know if that still goes
36:28
on. Oh.
36:29
Yeah, I've heard of. It and I remember again, I was
36:33
like trying to like go to every group I could to find solace and
36:38
and peace and and family, But I, I never was invited to like a
36:45
young life thing. But I remember these kids would
36:47
always wear those shirts at school that said like young life
36:50
and they were Christians and they seem like great kids.
36:54
But no, I didn't know any other Christians.
36:56
Like never had never had them in my really close space.
37:02
So did you ever have a Christian reach out to you in either high
37:06
school or the 12 years when you were presenting as Nicole to
37:11
talk to you about God, talk to you about Jesus?
37:13
I had 1-2 guys on a pickleball court almost a year ago.
37:18
That was the first time I ever heard the gospel, I mean.
37:22
I want to cry right now, Anita. I'm sorry.
37:27
People don't realize that you can go your whole life with
37:31
never hearing that Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior.
37:35
It's so sad. All it took was one time, one
37:41
time these guys came to me and they said, I remember saying, I
37:45
don't want to know anything about this Christian thing.
37:47
They wore Isaiah 43 one on their shirts.
37:51
They wore a Bible verse and, and, and I, I just asked him,
37:55
how do you become a Christian? And they shared the good news
37:57
with me and that was all it took like just one time to plant a
38:01
seed in six months later I would be unrecognizable.
38:05
Like all it takes is one time. I never heard ever that that
38:13
Jesus Christ died for my sins, rose again in three days and is
38:19
the Lord of your life like trust in him.
38:23
I never All it took was once. Can you share what happened?
38:30
You mentioned pickleballs for some guys.
38:32
Walk us through. So you're you're Nicole and and
38:35
I want to I want to show actually for folks watching
38:38
because I want them to a bunch of people listening or already
38:40
have followed your story so they they've seen some of your
38:42
videos. But I want to just show people
38:44
right now what who Nicole looked like.
38:47
You know who who this Nicole was like around this time.
38:51
I have a video. I don't know if this footage is
38:53
from what period of the 12 years it's from, but it's it's one of
38:57
the videos you've created showing about who you know
39:00
where, how God has brought you, you know where he's brought you.
39:16
So we saw some snapshots of you as Nicole.
39:23
Were these towards the end of your 12 years of living as
39:27
Nicole or throughout? What are these?
39:29
Tell us what these images were of.
39:30
Yeah. I think the the most recent one
39:34
would have been about a year out and I was yeah.
39:40
But those were probably probably from a span of like within like
39:44
a five year window. So within the last six years,
39:48
those those images for sure. So tell me about what changed
39:53
everything for you. The events of the day when you
39:57
first heard the gospel. Yeah, so this wasn't the first
40:01
time I had met these guys. We had become friends.
40:05
And the first time I ever came to play pickleball with them,
40:09
they had on these Bible verse shirts and in my head, even
40:15
though I had never heard anything about the, the good
40:20
news and, and Christ, I knew that I had to stay away from
40:25
them. You know, I, I, I kind of felt
40:28
like I couldn't, I couldn't be friends with them.
40:31
You know, they have like their their views are already sold to
40:37
me because they're wearing these these Bible verses on their
40:40
shirt. So I always have been
40:44
charismatic. I remember joking and I said,
40:47
oh, like, I see you guys have Bible verses like I'm actually
40:50
Jewish. Like I, I, you know, like I lied
40:53
to them and told them I was Jewish.
40:55
And, you know, we laughed. We play pickleball and that was
40:59
it. Can I interrupt really quick?
41:01
I have to ask something before we get to the rest of this,
41:03
which is really, really I I, I like striking to me.
41:07
When you saw those Bible verses, did you, what did they?
41:11
You said you hadn't really heard the Gospel, but what did it to
41:14
communicate to you? You're living as this, Nicole.
41:17
You never really heard. The enemy to me, it
41:20
communicated. Somebody that was against
41:22
anything me or my community or anybody else stood for.
41:27
I didn't know. I didn't know.
41:28
It communicated. Yeah.
41:31
The other like stay away from them like, you know, but I'm an
41:37
adult now and I could still play pickleball.
41:39
I just lied and said I was Jewish, OK.
41:42
I don't have any ties to the to the Christendom of of their
41:46
life. So we got to know each other,
41:49
played a lot of pickleball and I, I, I came clean to them one
41:54
night about a couple months later and said, look, you guys
41:58
like I, I'm not Jewish. I honestly just didn't want to
42:01
be preached to, but I don't like I, I, I remember saying exactly
42:05
what is this whole like Jesus thing?
42:08
Like are you guys like serious about it?
42:10
Like is that something that's going on still?
42:12
Like I was so I was so nonchalant, like, is this like
42:16
still going on? And and they did not match my
42:21
energy at like we were so great a friend.
42:25
But as soon as I said, oh, is this what's going on?
42:27
So they said, yeah, absolutely. He's the Lord of our life.
42:30
Have you ever heard the gospel? No.
42:34
What do you mean? I didn't even I'm never even I
42:36
didn't know what the word gospel meant.
42:38
I was like gospel singer. Like I don't know what the
42:41
gospel is. No, no, I've never heard the
42:43
gospel. And they shared with me, they
42:46
shared with me this idea about original sin.
42:49
Never in my life heard that ever.
42:52
They shared with me this idea. They shared the passion of
42:55
Christ. They, they shared, they shared
42:58
that he came and to die for the sins of this world and he
43:03
defeated death and he did this for you.
43:09
What? No.
43:10
And I, I remember being like, these guys aren't joking.
43:15
Like I've never heard somebody speak so confidently about
43:20
something so ethereal as faith. And I, and I blurted out like,
43:27
how do you become a Christian? And they told me to believe in
43:32
your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is your
43:35
Lord and Savior. And I said, OK, Jesus Christ is
43:40
my Lord and Savior. Like thinking that like the sky
43:43
was going to like, just pour down and like something
43:46
incredible was happening. And I was like, that's it.
43:50
And they were like, yeah, you've, you've just become a
43:53
Christian if you believe in your heart.
43:55
And if that's with your mouth, I was like, OK, nothing happened
43:59
for six months until I was radically encountered with that
44:07
good news again and a really reflective period in my life in
44:11
the woods in the middle of nowhere.
44:13
I was completely rocked and, and, and made aware that I was
44:19
made so fearfully and wonderfully in the image of God
44:22
as a man and to set all of that to surrender everything to him.
44:28
I did not know what was waiting tomorrow.
44:30
I didn't know if my relationship would would still be there.
44:34
I didn't know if my job and my family, I didn't know anything
44:38
would be waiting on the other side.
44:40
And I said OK. And nothing but blessings.
44:46
Difficult, yeah, but but nothing but blessings.
44:49
We're waiting. All right, so many questions
44:53
about that. So at this point, you, you, you
44:56
professed these words. You weren't really sure what it
44:58
meant six months prior about Jesus being your Lord and
45:00
savior. At this point in your life, you
45:03
mentioned a relationship, your job, your community.
45:07
People mostly thought you were a woman.
45:09
They believed you were Nicole, what kind of work were you
45:11
involved in, if you can share? And when you say relationship,
45:13
were you dating somebody? Yeah, which I just shared
45:17
yesterday, actually. I had kind of protected
45:22
somebody, Charlotte, who I've been with for over 5 years.
45:26
I didn't want to share that we were together when I was Nicole.
45:30
I didn't want to share that she was a lesbian before she met me
45:34
and thought she was entering into this relationship with a
45:38
woman named Nicole and and we had a great life together.
45:42
So I, I had that and I was really worried coming to her
45:49
saying I, I want to make Jesus Lord of my life, like, are you
45:53
still going to stick around? I was in a like a startup kind
45:58
of world. I was doing some fintech
46:01
startups. Again, I have a legal
46:03
background. So just like simple like
46:06
document preparation, contract reviews and negotiation.
46:10
And yeah, I, everybody in my life only knew Nicole and yeah,
46:21
I, I had no idea what would happen.
46:24
Did the puck, did the pickleball court guys know you as Nicole?
46:28
Yeah, of course. You were a woman to them.
46:31
That's it. Yeah.
46:32
Did not share that with them. Did not share that.
46:35
And so when so when you were walking in this forest, walk me
46:38
through what happened. You're it was a nice day.
46:40
Tell me just about the it's terrible day, what it was like.
46:42
Terrible day, actually. So I'm in northern Vermont, and
46:45
it's like sleeting and, you know, frozen rain.
46:49
And it's early March, so everything is still frozen.
46:52
There's, you know, probably 5 feet of snow on the ground.
46:55
And I'm just snowshoeing, hiking through the woods.
46:59
And I get to this by myself. Yeah, no reason.
47:04
Never. I've never been camping before
47:06
my entire life, by the way. Even so, to this day, I am very
47:09
much an indoors kind of person. And but I just felt that I had
47:17
to go like, I don't know why either.
47:19
Like I just felt like I had to go in the woods.
47:23
I don't know. I don't know why.
47:25
Like I, I live in Vermont now. So I'm like, OK, like McDonald's
47:32
is an hour away. I can't go shopping anywhere.
47:34
I'm in the middle of nowhere. Let me go experience the
47:37
outdoors. So anyway, so I'm walking
47:39
through the woods snowshoeing and I, I find this like massive
47:43
rock and this waterfall which is frozen.
47:46
And I, I, I sit there and I, I actually like do this like
47:54
Buddhist thing where I'm like sitting, you know, crisscross
47:57
applesauce and like meditating. And I just remember closing my
48:04
eyes and, and seeing like images of, of Christ and like, and, and
48:11
just, and just having this I this like overwhelmingly voice.
48:20
I don't even know if it was like audible or just completely
48:23
internal. Like, like, I want her, like
48:25
give me her. And I'm like, no, yeah,
48:31
definitely not like I will give you anything else.
48:35
But yeah, I, I just, it's, I've never been encountered with with
48:44
with that before. And in the request was something
48:51
that I thought I could never. I can.
48:54
I can never perform like. There's no way I can give you
48:57
the only thing I've ever worked for, but I did.
49:04
And you've you when you when you heard this, you sense this voice
49:07
of I want her. You knew that it meant I want
49:10
the Nicole identity. I want to take it away from you.
49:14
I don't want you to be that anymore.
49:15
That's not who you are. Yeah, he wanted, he wanted her.
49:21
And I realized that if I, if I gave Christ, which I, I knew
49:28
that I, I knew that this, these images and, and, and these
49:34
meditative voices was from the Lord.
49:38
If I, I knew that if I gave him her, I'd be, I didn't know who,
49:42
who was, who was, who was I? Then if I gave him her, there's
49:48
no, there was no hymn left inside me.
49:50
I felt there was no who was I like that's like I had no idea
49:57
what what would be next. So what did you do?
50:05
I, I remember walking back and like coming home and, and
50:14
thinking, if the God of the universe has asked me for
50:23
something and I don't do what I feel called and commanded to do.
50:35
I'm an idiot, right? So I, I said I am no longer a
50:46
woman. I, I'm, I'm not her.
50:51
And even even me saying like, this is over about six months
50:57
ago now, even, like saying it now, it is still, it's still
51:02
shocking And yeah, like startling to like my inner
51:07
psyche. Like I am no longer a woman.
51:09
I wasn't. I was never a woman.
51:15
Like, OK, yeah. My life was a waste for 12
51:21
years. Like, that's what kind of comes
51:23
to mind. Like, man, like, what did I miss
51:25
out on? Did I miss out on a relationship
51:29
with the Lord? Well, I know now that he was
51:33
there then, he's there now. And I, it's just hard to wrap
51:40
your head around, you know, times of complete struggle.
51:47
Like, why isn't he there? Well, God's timing is not ours
51:53
to know. OK, But I still try and wrestle
51:55
with it. But yeah, I, I, I started
52:00
telling people, I started telling my, my beautiful
52:03
girlfriend, I, I started getting rid of clothing and purging
52:11
feminine purging ways to disguise myself.
52:16
I, I remember like looking in the mirror and thinking there's
52:19
no way I can walk out today without a full face of makeup
52:22
on. And like, I was so good about,
52:27
you know, hiding certain aspects of myself, like if I wore, you
52:32
know, a tight this and an oversized this and this and
52:35
like, if this was showing and that was showing.
52:37
Like I was so good about figuring out how to present
52:40
myself to disguise and and convince the world, right?
52:45
So I remember like thinking like, there's no way I can go
52:47
out looking like this. And I just, I just did.
52:50
And yeah, it was, it was so hard, but I didn't know how to
53:01
pray. But I was talking to God,
53:04
talking to that, that, that force that I felt and asking for
53:11
strength. And he, he gave it.
53:15
It's. Amazing.
53:19
So the six months from I, Jesus, come into my heart to this walk
53:22
in the woods. Were you doing any Bible study?
53:25
Involved with any church? Mentorship, discipleship.
53:27
Nothing. Nothing, No, I didn't even own a
53:29
Bible. Like, no, I, I like I that was a
53:34
like, I didn't remember that at all, like.
53:37
Wow. So then at what point did it
53:41
turn from? I'm doing this incredibly it
53:44
it's an incredibly courageous thing what you did to just start
53:47
throwing away this other identity and show up as a person
53:51
that you didn't know who you were yet.
53:52
I mean, I can only imagine how scary that must have felt, but
53:58
you were doing it. Well, actually, before I ask you
54:01
about the faith, you know, exploring faith when the for
54:05
that first time you showed up in public, but you were not doing
54:09
any feminization of your clothes, makeup, hair, whatever.
54:12
However you would do work on it. Was that how did that feel?
54:15
Was it terrifying? Terrifying.
54:17
Like I felt like that 14 year old boy about to get stuffed in
54:23
a trash can and thrown down the stairs.
54:25
I felt like I am now at risk for harm.
54:32
At risk I I have no protection anymore.
54:38
The armor's gone, the armor was waiting.
54:42
Ephesians 6, the armor of God. I didn't know about that yet,
54:45
and not until maybe day 20 or something of being a Christian.
54:48
I came across that verse, but my armor that I figured out how to
54:53
put on was gone. So I'm just waiting to get, you
54:59
know, wait, waiting to get harmed.
55:03
At what point did you start chronicling your life?
55:06
Was it the very next day after that walk in the woods?
55:11
I think it was the next day or the day after.
55:14
Again, I'm in the middle of nowhere in Vermont, which I, I
55:17
learned is the least church state in the nation, which is
55:21
funny. God has a sense of humor.
55:23
I he says, you're never going to know my name until you're in a
55:26
place where nobody else does. And I stuck a phone in my face
55:31
and I was like day one of being a Christian.
55:34
Like, what do I do? Do I go to church?
55:38
Like, do I buy a Bible? How do I pray?
55:43
And yeah, I've, I've, I've started doing all of those
55:48
things. And I, I, I've, I went to Mass.
55:52
The second time I, I ever went to church was Mass.
55:56
And it's still unshakable. It was the exact feeling at
56:01
Mass, which is heaven on earth. If you haven't been I, I think
56:06
you have right so. Thanks be to God, you're going
56:10
to make me cry again, but that. Amen.
56:12
That same feeling when I was convicted that Jesus is the Lord
56:17
of the Lord of my life, the the King of all kings.
56:21
And if he calls you to do something to do with that same
56:23
feeling that I felt in every fiber of my being.
56:26
I felt as soon as I walked into it into the doors of a cat as
56:31
soon I just I was hit with it like a wall in my face like this
56:35
is like crisis here. Nowhere I've been to 24
56:42
different other churches nowhere I have felt the presence of of
56:49
my Lord and savior anywhere else.
56:51
And I have no dog in this race here.
56:53
Lila. I don't care if I became a, you
56:56
know, an Eastern Presbyterian, Lutheran ISM, I don't care.
57:03
I hadn't. I just wanted to know the Lord.
57:05
But I can tell you that the only time that I have been like
57:09
overwhelmingly knocked down with that feeling was when I walked
57:14
into Mass for the first time. It's sweet like it is our Lord
57:22
is is is there nowhere else. I felt so far nowhere.
57:28
Oh man, He is, he is, he is there like, and I just want, I
57:33
want more. Amen.
57:38
I remember my first time being in a church and I was a Catholic
57:42
Church where I had that feeling and it was a mass.
57:45
I didn't really understand everything.
57:46
I wasn't Catholic yet. And they were doing the Mass and
57:49
I just was like, I need, I need you like Lord, like I, I sense.
57:54
And I was like this primal need for the Eucharist, but I didn't
57:57
know how to access it, what it meant.
57:59
Like, thankfully I, I got to, I mean, I should, I shouldn't be
58:02
snarky about it. O CIA is beautiful.
58:05
I didn't do O CIA. I got this priest.
58:07
He kind of got me in the side door.
58:10
He like gave me some private classes.
58:11
Your celebrity, I guess, right? No, I wasn't.
58:14
I'm, I'm not. And I wasn't, I mean, I, I was
58:16
just a college student, but there was this women center
58:19
where there was a priest there. So I, it was sort of like this.
58:22
It's called a prelate of the Catholic Church prelate or it
58:25
was a prelate or so. Anyways, they were able to give
58:29
me special special, I mean I got these classes or whatever.
58:33
So I did do effectively Ocia classes, but I was able to do
58:37
them more privately and I and they catered it more towards all
58:41
the questions that I had. So anyways, now I feel bad even
58:44
saying this because you know. You're doing bad, I can tell you
58:48
that. This is the word.
58:49
Like the greatest and worst period of my life right now.
58:52
Waiting for the Eucharist Like I am antsy even hearing you tell
58:56
about your story about getting this private special celebrity a
59:00
list, whatever you want to call it, Delilah treatment.
59:04
Because like, do you understand that Easter Vigil seems eons
59:09
away to me right now? Months.
59:12
Well, yeah. What is it, 5 months?
59:13
4-6 months away? Is it six months?
59:15
Yeah, it is. I think it's 182 days last time
59:19
I checked away. Like, I am counting, like I, I'm
59:22
having dreams about receiving the Eucharist for the first
59:25
time. Like I, I, I want it so bad.
59:29
And it's funny because I talked to my local priests who him and
59:34
I are besties now. We're about to go skiing
59:36
together in a, in a couple weeks.
59:39
He, you know, he asked me when? Tell me a point in your life
59:44
where you have been patient. And that knocked me on my butt
59:49
because nowhere had I ever exhibited patience.
59:53
I was not patient to become Nicole.
59:56
I wasn't patient to do anything in my life.
1:00:03
And he goes, This is why you're waiting like, like patience
1:00:07
truly is a virtue. This act of patience is
1:00:10
obedience. You do have a desire for
1:00:13
baptism. You as a, you have a desire for
1:00:15
the Eucharist and the desire for the, for the sacraments, But you
1:00:20
have to be paid. You have to learn to be patient.
1:00:23
That's that's a quality you don't have at all, Anisa.
1:00:27
And I'm like, you know, I feel like a rebellious teenager.
1:00:33
I'm like, yeah, whatever, shut up.
1:00:35
You know, I'm patient. No, I'm not.
1:00:38
And I am fighting every day. I'm like, this is something I
1:00:43
want so bad. And I'm waiting and praying and
1:00:48
learning. And it's unfortunate to hear
1:00:51
people discount the beauty of the Magisterium ceiling, the
1:00:57
token of faith. Like, why isn't it seen, as you
1:01:00
just said, a beautiful thing? Why isn't universal Catholic
1:01:05
teaching seen as beautiful? And you know, I mean, to me, my
1:01:13
entire mission is to draw closer to Christ.
1:01:16
Why wouldn't I do that from a church that he founded, From a
1:01:19
church that has spent every waking minute since his since
1:01:24
his life and death to seal the traditions and the scripture and
1:01:29
the token of faith in its most Christ like form?
1:01:34
Like that's all I want. Why don't like, I don't
1:01:38
understand the corruption that existed.
1:01:40
I don't understand the history of what people think when they
1:01:44
hear the word Catholic, because when they, when I see in my
1:01:48
comment sections or when I talk to people and they're like, you
1:01:51
know, idols and statues and you know, Mary and this and like
1:01:56
that doesn't really resonate with me because I don't have any
1:02:00
background. All I know is that he is there.
1:02:03
He is present in the, in the Catholic Church and there's a
1:02:07
2000 year plus history of sealing that token of faith.
1:02:12
Like why don't you want that? Yeah, well, I was raised
1:02:16
Protestant evangelical and I, almost all my friends were
1:02:21
Protestant. I didn't have any Catholic
1:02:22
friends. I had an uncle who lives in
1:02:24
Oregon that was Catholic, but that was my only, you know, so
1:02:28
he would go to Mass when he was visit for Thanksgiving.
1:02:30
But that was, and we didn't really talk about the Catholic
1:02:33
faith specifically. You know, it was more like, oh,
1:02:35
he's a Catholic, right. And we would always go to
1:02:38
Protestant church. My dad was an elder.
1:02:40
And I think it's misunderstandings.
1:02:43
I think 95% of that stuff in your comment section is
1:02:46
misunderstandings, yeah, which is heartbreaking.
1:02:49
But it is also an opportunity, right, to share the good news,
1:02:53
the fullness of the good news. Yeah, there's a quote and you
1:02:57
probably know it and I every time I try and say it, I mess it
1:03:01
up about there's 1000 people who ate the Catholic Church, but
1:03:04
only one who knows why or something like that.
1:03:07
I think it's a quote by San Agustin and and that's the truth
1:03:11
because the the idea about praying to the Saints, I think
1:03:17
is my was my first realization that man, people don't know why
1:03:23
they hate the Catholic Church because we are alive in the body
1:03:26
of Christ, OK, We die an earthly death.
1:03:31
We're still alive in Christ, right?
1:03:33
So we are Catholics are not praying to the dead in any
1:03:38
means. You are praying to to members of
1:03:43
your family and the body of Christ.
1:03:45
There's still, if not even more, very much alive.
1:03:51
And when I started saying that to some Protestants, I could see
1:03:54
them say, well, Oh yeah, they're, I guess they're not
1:03:57
dead. There's a there's something
1:04:01
really interesting that's happened in the last two months.
1:04:03
I've noticed Nisa quick side thing is when with the with the
1:04:08
murder of Charlie Kirk happening just two months ago, all these
1:04:12
people have been deeply moved by it.
1:04:13
I feel like the Holy Spirit has used his death at his horrific
1:04:16
death to help bring many people close to him.
1:04:19
But there have been a lot of non Catholics who have said, I feel
1:04:23
like Charlie's looking down on me or I, I've asked for Charlie
1:04:26
to pray for me even because they have a sense that they're kind
1:04:30
of maybe encountering a, a St. because of the way Charlie died.
1:04:34
I think, you know, you could, you could interpret it as a
1:04:36
martyr's death. And so some people believe that
1:04:38
means that means he's definitely in heaven.
1:04:39
And, you know, even Catholics, maybe he skipped purgatory
1:04:42
because of that, but there's a sense that people have that he
1:04:45
is in heaven. And so I see non Catholics even
1:04:49
saying I'm asking for his prayer.
1:04:50
I'm, you know, he's a little bit watching over me, which is a
1:04:53
very much it's, I think it's a natural Christian instinct of a
1:04:57
posture towards the dead to both pray for their soul and to ask
1:05:00
for their prayers. Yeah, I, you know, about, about
1:05:05
Charlie. I I can't say that.
1:05:08
Well, for, for most of my adult life, I didn't like anything
1:05:11
that he said. Obviously I, I didn't.
1:05:15
And I don't know what constitutes A martyr.
1:05:17
I, I, you know, but I do know that minutes before he was
1:05:21
assassinated, he was sharing something from the Gospel.
1:05:27
So if being a martyr martyr constitutes being killed for
1:05:32
sharing your faith, he did that. Yes, yeah.
1:05:37
It's, I think it's quite possible There's this something,
1:05:40
something. And that doesn't mean that
1:05:42
everything Charlie did in his life was perfect, either.
1:05:44
That's the crazy thing, because you can be a martyr and have
1:05:47
made major mess ups in his in your life, right?
1:05:50
Like if I get martyred tomorrow, right.
1:05:52
If you get martyred tomorrow, in a sense, it doesn't matter what
1:05:55
happened before. If we die with the words of
1:05:57
Jesus on our lips for Jesus, right, We make that that, that
1:06:00
that last act of complete faith in God.
1:06:04
But you said something earlier about the indwelling of the Holy
1:06:06
Spirit and and I was, you know, saying just go get baptized
1:06:09
tomorrow. Nisa, I want I wanted to look it
1:06:12
up. I'm sure you've heard of
1:06:13
Truthfully. Truthfully takes the catechism,
1:06:15
Holy Scripture tradition, the church fathers and doctors and
1:06:17
puts it all in this chat, which I love using the Truthly app.
1:06:21
But I asked truthly, is there a church tradition of delaying?
1:06:25
So is there a church tradition of delaying baptism for adults?
1:06:31
Like why would you delay if an adult wants to be baptized,
1:06:34
right? Why would you ever delay that,
1:06:35
right? Because there are times in
1:06:37
Scripture where they just hear the word and then they just go
1:06:39
to the river and they get baptized, right?
1:06:40
The Ethiopian man and it says, yeah, the Ethiopian Munich.
1:06:46
Exactly, exactly. And it says, you know, there's a
1:06:49
tradition of preparing adults for baptism.
1:06:51
So it's not about delaying it like you're doing.
1:06:54
It's a preparation. In the early church, adults who
1:06:58
sought baptism often underwent a period of preparation called the
1:07:01
cacuminate. The process could last several
1:07:04
years, during which catechumens received instruction in the
1:07:08
faith, reflected on their conversion and participated in
1:07:10
stages of spiritual growth to prepare for baptism.
1:07:13
So who am I to say anything to you about this when you're a
1:07:17
priest? Like you're in the good hands of
1:07:18
a priest. And, you know, I always complain
1:07:20
about this other, I've, I try different Catholic churches out
1:07:24
now. And I asked another priest and
1:07:26
he said that, you know, this preparation for baptism in the
1:07:30
sacraments is sort of like clearing A minefield.
1:07:33
And, you know, in my head, I was like, why?
1:07:36
What makes me better than a first grader or a second grader
1:07:38
receiving the Eucharist, You know, and I'm thinking what?
1:07:42
Maybe I have a lot more minds than than a second grader does.
1:07:46
And he's like, exactly like you're, you're clearing A
1:07:49
minefield. And that looks different for a
1:07:51
lot of, for a lot of people. So yeah, the OCIA preparation
1:07:56
is, it's a beautiful thing. It is.
1:08:01
It's a yeah practice of patience and and and I've never really
1:08:08
had that. You're doing amazing, Nisa, and
1:08:14
I'm so grateful for your example and your witness.
1:08:18
It encourages my faith. I asked you earlier about the
1:08:21
state of your soul when you were identifying as Nicole and you
1:08:26
said I didn't really wasn't in touch with the soul.
1:08:28
You know, I was just living focused externally.
1:08:30
Externally what? How would you describe the state
1:08:34
of your your soul down? First, firstly, I, I would say
1:08:39
that I understand that I, I, I have a soul and that is
1:08:46
completely alive in Christ. The state of my soul is I, I
1:08:50
reflect on, on that so often now when I'm in prayer and when I'm
1:08:56
in conversations with Christ and when I'm trying to pray the
1:09:01
rosary. It's a difficult thing when
1:09:02
you're a newbie, but the state of the soul is so present in my
1:09:07
life now. I could answer the question.
1:09:10
I couldn't answer it when you asked me what the state of my
1:09:12
soul is when I was living as a cult because that wasn't
1:09:15
something I can answer. But now I can tell you that,
1:09:18
yeah, the state of my soul is just completely alive in Christ
1:09:23
and is in a constant process of, of obedience.
1:09:29
And I'd say it's good. State of my soul is good now and
1:09:39
I didn't that's just the the the best gift I've ever received is
1:09:46
is the gift of of knowing that Christ is Lord.
1:09:52
Amen. I know you've got to run and I
1:09:56
know that you're going to be hopping on a plane soon for a
1:10:00
big a big trip you've got coming up, but I just want to honor you
1:10:04
and thank you for showing up and helping.
1:10:09
I believe millions of other people not only hear the gospel,
1:10:13
but be inspired to give all to Jesus like you're doing.
1:10:18
And you got to come out here and bring Charlotte.
1:10:23
We'll talk more because there's a million more things to talk
1:10:25
about, but thank you. Thank you for being willing to
1:10:29
share and I'm so proud of you and you're my brother in the
1:10:33
faith and I'm so excited for you.
1:10:34
Thank you, Lila. I cannot wait to see in person
1:10:37
after confirmation. Yeah, it'll be, it'll be a great
1:10:41
trip. Charlotte and I will both be
1:10:42
confirmed and I think that's a trip I'd like to take.
1:10:46
And one more thing, you I saw a video saying that you are
1:10:51
apparently Charlotte doesn't watch your Instagram videos but
1:10:53
you were able to talk about this but sounds like you're planning
1:10:57
to ask her to marry you. I am, yeah.
1:10:59
I I am planning to ask her to marry me as the man that that
1:11:04
Christ made. And I never thought I would be a
1:11:07
man getting down on one knee asking to spend the rest of my
1:11:11
life with a woman, but that's happening very soon.
1:11:14
Yeah. Thank you.
1:11:18
We'll be praying for you. Thank you.
1:11:19
Very exciting. So does that mean wedding after
1:11:21
confirmation? Yeah, I know.
1:11:23
Potentially fault. Yeah, the priest, the priest and
1:11:26
I, we go out to dinner all the time and and we've talked about
1:11:28
preparation and what that what that will look like.
1:11:32
Very exciting. Praise God.
1:11:35
Thank you, Nisa, thank you. So grateful for you.
1:11:38
God bless you brother. God bless.
1:11:39
Thanks, Lila. Thanks so much for listening to
1:11:42
this episode with Nisa Powers. I hope it was inspiring for you
1:11:45
as it was for me. We're excited to have Nisa on in
1:11:47
the future in studio and you can continue to watch his incredible
1:11:51
journey of faith override his Instagram, which we have
1:11:53
LinkedIn the description. A huge thank you to our partner
1:11:57
EWTN, the largest religious broadcaster in the entire world.
1:12:00
EWTN is reaching millions of people every single day with the
1:12:03
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1:12:06
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1:12:10
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