Latest / HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
History’s Greatest Invention Was Just Some Horny Bastard Trying to Slide Into a Cavewoman’s DMs
Send us Fan MailForget Fire or The Wheel. The Real Turning Point For Humanity Was When We Enslaved A Ten-Ton Furry Tractor So We Could Get Our prehistoric shred on. Alright, you filthy little gremlins, pull up a festering mammoth hide and listen the fuck up. Let’s talk about the big-dick-energy moment that *really* defined humanity. We’re going back to… I dunno, 14,000 BCE, give or take a few millennia when Jesus was just a twinkle in God’s one good eye. The world was colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra during a hailstorm. Our ancestors, who communicated exclusively through grunts and…
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