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Battery Life of a Mom of Six: Keeping Your Spark Alive with Alicia Freeman · Neighbourly: Real Stories of Care and Community

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Many, many caregivers feel like I can't take a break. I can't take
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a night off. Or if I do, it's not worth it. By the time I
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get back home, I'm gonna be picking up so many pieces that it
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wasn't even worth the 1 or 2 hours that I took to go out for
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dinner with my husband or whatever it might be. What
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does loving your neighbor actually look like?
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This is Journey with Care, where curious Canadians get inspired
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to love others well through real life stories and honest
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conversations.
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Welcome back to Journey With Care. We are in our series battery life of a
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caregiver. We're exploring the lives of those who dedicate themselves to
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their caregiving roles. Will uncover what it takes, their self
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care strategies, and how our communities can provide much needed support around
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them. Today, we are joined by our guest, Alicia
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Freeman. She was also a previous guest on episode
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17 of the season, differently wired episode. She's a
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dedicated mother, foster parent, and advocate for vulnerable children.
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Alicia is also one of our trauma care trainers with Care Impact.
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But before I get Wendy to introduce our guests a little
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bit more, remember that we have Journey with Prayer 5 minute
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Devo series to start off your week. That's on a separate feed. You can
1:22
also get it on the same feed if you want. Just check the show notes,
1:24
and I'll have a link there for you. And you can always go to carium
1:28
pack.ca/podcast to get this podcast and that
1:31
one together at the same time a little bit early. Also, this
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podcast exists and continues to produce great content because of
1:39
the generosity of our listeners, our donors, and sponsors.
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To help the podcast and the work of Care Impact, we value your
1:46
support and we would love to connect with new sponsors or people who just
1:50
wanna contribute to the podcast. You can head over to careimpact.c/podcast.
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There's a donate link there, and there's a sponsor link
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right on that page, and we'd love to connect with you. Alright. We wanna get
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into this episode. Wendy, welcome here. You wanna introduce our
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guest? Absolutely. And in fact, she's no stranger
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to, our listeners. If you've been following along, we've had her before as
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mentioned. And Alicia Freeman, it's so good to have you
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back. You're back by popular demand. People loved listening to
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your story in episode 17, and I hope people will go back.
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And if you haven't heard her story, go back there. But,
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Alicia, when I think about caregiving, I think about you.
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And how's your battery life right now? Let's just check-in.
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What's your battery at this morning? Oh, thank you, Wendy.
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Thank you for welcoming me back. And I've as I was just telling you
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and Johan as we kind of got on this morning, it's the
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last week of August, and my battery life is pretty
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low. I I'm I'm ready for school to start. Routines,
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rhythms, we all need a little bit of structure around here to get us back
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on track. So I am with you, Alicia. I'm sure Wendy
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is too. I'm ready for school to start. So how has a
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typical summer summer day looked like in the Freeman
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household? You know what? A lot of people have asked me that recently. Like,
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what have you guys done this summer? And I kinda feel like, we haven't done
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anything big. It's just kinda this and that. I have most
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of the time in my house this summer. I had a 1 year old, a
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4 year old, an 8 year old, and a 9 year old. So we've just
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been doing, you know, swimming lessons and soccer and
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baseball and beach days and park days and lots and lots
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of laundry and lots and lots of
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snacks, all day, every day eating, just those kinds of
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normal things. And then in the mix of that, we have some older kids who
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are who are just a little bit more in and out. So they keep us
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busy with with their schedules as well. So you said you're
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looking forward to the summer so that you have a little bit routine back. So
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what does a typical school day look like for you?
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Well, to be honest, there and a lot of my,
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special needs parents will resonate with this feeling of I'm
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so excited for school to start, but, also, there's a lot of unknowns
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about what is school gonna look like. And is everybody gonna thrive in
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the places where we've kind of mapped out for them to be?
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And it's hard to communicate with schools through the summer. So we're still
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kinda waiting on those last pieces. But for the most part, I think
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it's going to just be me and my tiniest at home, and everybody else
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will be off to school. So that will be new. It will give me a
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little bit of mental space and quiet again in my days. And
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so I'm looking forward to being able to just have a little bit more
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control over my own schedule, to be honest.
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So how much does that routine of the fall kids back in school and
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having them having that routine contribute to your battery life?
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Yes. Well, I mean, I mentioned the word control,
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and I think lots of parents out there will probably
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resonate with we try to find that
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fine line between not trying to
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grasp for too much control, but at the same time, feeling
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like everybody needs some element of control in their lives in order
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to feel kind of safe and grounded and feel like I I
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know what to expect next. So I think, for me, just going
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back into some, like, predictable routines where even though
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I know there's gonna be the days where, you know, somebody is sick or somebody
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needs to be picked up from school or things go wrong at school, and I
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have to go and end up picking somebody up or having a meeting or having
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a a difficult phone call, whatever it might be, I still know that for the
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most part, I can rely on they're going to get picked up by
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the bus at 8 o'clock in the morning, and they'll be home at 3:30. And
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the time in between, I can somewhat schedule you
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know, I can have some time some quiet time to, like,
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focus on something that takes some mental energy. Or I can, you know, sit
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down and have some quiet time in the word or with prayer, or I can
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go for a walk with a friend without, you know, my
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4, 8, 9 year old interjecting all of their comments and ideas because
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they really love my friends too, it seems. So I'm
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looking forward to that. So with the fall come a lot of those trips
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back and forth, many appointments I I find as a parent.
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Mhmm. So what do you do in those times when you're driving
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back and forth? How do you ground yourself? What do you do for self care
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in the vehicle? Oh, that's a good one. K. My
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vehicle self care. I love that because, I mean, most moms
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can relate to. You just spend a lot of time in the car. Right? If
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as soon as you have multiple kids, especially, there's just a lot of places to
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go. Like you said, appointments. Like, you know, suddenly, everybody needs to go to the
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dentist again and the eye doctor, and there's therapy appointments, and there's
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doctor's appointments. Something that I've noticed is that I
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I try to pay attention when I climb into the car and, you know,
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everybody's buckled in their seats, and it's like, okay. We have, like, 5 or
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10 minutes, whatever, however long the drive may be or a longer drive.
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And I kinda try to just do that check-in, like, how am I feeling right
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now, and what do I need? Inevitably, you know, my 9 year old will be
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like, mom, turn on my playlist. And some days, his
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playlist is great. I'm like, okay, buddy. Sure. We can
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do your playlist. You know? We can rock to your tunes
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today. And then other times, like, no. I'm sorry, buddy. I we just need
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we just need a quiet drive today. If I'm by myself, I end
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up talking to myself out loud a lot or talking to God out loud. I
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pray when I'm in the car. I I let it all out. I'm like, okay,
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God. What are you doing? I don't know what's going on, or I'm going into
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this meeting. I need help. Like, show me what to do. Show me what to
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speak. Give me the words and deep breathing, honestly.
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Some deep breaths. No closing your eyes when you're driving, but some nice
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deep breaths just to refocus. And, yeah, I like that
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you were used the word grounding because it it's actually a really great place to
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kind of have that moment. I should have asked how you stay grounded
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in the midst of hearing baby shark because I don't know if I could do
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that very well, though. And this is why some days,
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we are up for the playlist, and then other days, we are not up for
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the playlist. I love worship music too. You know? I think I've set a pretty
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good precedent where it's like, okay. You you can ask, and it might be a
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yes, or it might be a no. And I try to just give them a
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reason why. I mean, being honest, though, there are also other days
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where, you know, can you turn on my place? And I'm like, no.
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And that's all I can get out. I'm like, no. Absolutely not. And they're
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like, why? I I don't even have an answer. Just
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no. But knowing what I need as a caregiver is
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something that I've really tried to work on in the past couple years.
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Just understanding what's going on inside of me so that I can figure
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out how can I get myself back to a place where I actually have the
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ability to care? Because the problem is when
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I am not grounded, when I'm not feeling
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okay, it's really difficult for me to offer care to the people around
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me as much as I want to, as much as my intentions may be good.
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It's it's really, really difficult. So Yeah. I know a lot of
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moms talk about how there's times in life where they feel
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they don't have anything for themselves. Like, being a mom is kinda their hobby. That's
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their go to. So, like, you you talk about having
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worship and times of reading scripture and those things. But what about, like,
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hobbies? Are there other things that that give you that creative outlet for
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yourself? I love that question. And, again,
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it's something that I've been thinking about a lot the last few years because I
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think I went into mothering as a young woman, and I had
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hobbies. You know? I I love to read. I have always loved to read.
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The last time that I had time to sit down and read a book, I
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don't know when that was. I I still love
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to read, but I I don't actually get to read very often. I
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love music. I used to spend a lot of time playing the piano, and that's
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not something that I do very often anymore. Anymore. I love to
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write. I I used to have a blog going. I haven't blogged for, like,
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4 years now, I think. So what I was trying to say was I went
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into mothering and just thinking, you know, I had my hobbies, and I was excited
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about mothering and just throwing myself into mothering. And
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now I am, let's see, 10 years in. And
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I'm like, whew. Like, all I'm doing is mothering. That that's
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all I'm doing all the time. And I know I know that mothering is
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worth every ounce of energy that I have to give to it.
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However, I also know that I'm a better mom when
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I can remember who I am outside of
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being a mom, being a wife in this house, in this
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family, and remembering that, ultimately, first of all,
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I'm a child of God. And he has made me
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uniquely and with purpose and with intention. And
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that that's going to come out in all kinds of different ways in different seasons
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of my life. So right now, I think there legitimately
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just isn't a lot of time or energy for me to
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pour into other hobbies. But sometimes just
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taking the time to even just think about that. Like, you know what? In
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a different season of my life, what might I like to do with my
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time or my energy? And how can I take just a baby step toward that?
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So, you know, if I think that I'm really missing
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reading, this is something that over the last couple years, I it's really
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hard for me to sit down with a book. And a lot of moms will
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be able to identify with that. As soon as you sit down in a chair,
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everybody's there. Like, they're like, oh, mom is here. She is ready for
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us. She's sitting down. Great. But what I
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have found is that sometimes I can pop in, you know, one earbud, probably
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not 2, but one while I'm busy doing the laundry or I'm
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cooking dinner or I'm watching the kids outside, and I can listen to
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an audiobook through that one earbud. And it's not gonna be the
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same experience. Like, it's not gonna be the same as when I was a teenager
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and I could curl up in a corner and read a book for 3 hours
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straight. I'm not gonna get that kind of experience, but it's going to
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give me just a smidge of that thing that I know that I love, and
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it's gonna fill my tank a bit. And just reassuring myself that, you know
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what? There's gonna be a season coming again sometime soon
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ish where I'm gonna have time to do that again.
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And what can I do to make sure that I'm not just abandoning
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those things that I love altogether? And then just bringing my kids into things
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when I can too. I I do love to read, and so something that I've
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done a lot with my kids is read alouds where I get to read aloud.
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It's maybe not, you know, my first choice of book,
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but I've also grown to love children's literature, like, especially
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middle grade novels. I love them. They're so fun, and I can
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sit down and read those with my kids. And it's time for us
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together and connecting, but it's also something that I love to do. And
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it's sort of a way for me of reclaiming that thing that I love and
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that I feel like I've lost a little bit, but also not pushing
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aside my kids in order to do that. Because I think that's the the struggle
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that every mom has of, like, how can I make time for me and my
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hobbies without making my kids feel like I'm choosing my hobby
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over them? Right? I never want them to think that me sitting down with a
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book is more important than me spending time with them. However, I do want
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them to know that, realistically, sometimes mom needs time alone, and it's
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okay if that needs to happen sometimes too. And and that
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good hobbies are good things, and everyone needs balance in their life. Right?
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Yeah. Well, except moms tend to be less
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balanced because they do so much for the kids and pour into them. I know
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I can Yes. I can say that just from watching my wife. It's true.
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And life doesn't feel very balanced. Right? And that's what I guess, when we
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talk about self care and the battery life of the caregiver, I think
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that's that's an important word to think about. It's, like, how can
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I go about intentionally bringing more balance
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into my life so that not all of my time and
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energy is being spent pouring out
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and finding ways intentional ways to refill
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my own cup? And what I've loved over the
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past few years working with Care Impact and doing the
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trauma training, this fall, I'm going to be teaching a trauma care course
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again in Ottawa. And I'm so excited because I get to teach the
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full self care module with my friend, Amy Jo. And I
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love teaching self care because it's a huge part
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of trauma competent caregiving. And what I've learned over the
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past few years as I've taught that module and as I've learned from
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other people who are teaching that module is that rest is
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not always what we think it is. So caring for
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myself, resting, I get these images that
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pop into my mind when I hear those words, and they're not always
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accurate. So what I've learned is that finding balance
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and finding rest and caring for myself sometimes looks really,
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really different than I thought it would. And sometimes it takes time and
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talking with the people around you and being really intentional, you
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know, praying about that, talking to my spouse, and and asking
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questions to figure out what is it that I really actually
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need in order to fill up my tank
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and care well for myself? Is it that I need to change my
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sleep habits? Is it that I need to spend more time outdoors?
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Maybe I need to change my diet. Not a fun one, but maybe that's what
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I really need to tackle, to care for myself well right now and have more
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energy. Right? Or maybe it's around just like rhythms
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and routines. This is a really silly one. But
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for the past number of years, I have so much laundry in my house.
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We're a family of 8. And so I just feel like I'm always,
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always doing laundry. And so I made this shift where
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I was just like, I'm just doing, like, some laundry every day. So it's, like,
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you know, 2 or 3 loads every single day that I'm doing
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laundry. And for a while, that was what worked. And then at the beginning of
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this summer, I was like, ugh. It's never
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ever, ever done. And I'm so tired of doing laundry every
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single day. And so I decided to shift and
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and follow what my mom used to always do, and she would always do laundry,
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like, Mondays Fridays. So I've been trying to do that. And I don't get it
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all done on Monday or on Friday. But what I
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do is I start on Monday. I try to wrap up
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on Tuesday, and then I just intentionally ignore the laundry for Wednesday
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Thursday. And I'm like, I'm not doing laundry these days
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unless, you know, somebody puked last night and somebody wet the
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bed last night. So I'm doing laundry today, and it's Wednesday. But
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for the most part, I try to give myself a break and just realize that,
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you know what? I'm getting really fatigued by all this laundry. Maybe I can,
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like, carve in a little intentional break for myself. So it's just about
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finding finding those things. Right? So many good things there. I
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mean, you mentioned trauma care, which I do wanna get into. And Amy Jo is
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gonna be our next guest on our next episode, actually, so that'll be exciting to
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have her on. But you mentioned how, like, even when you sit down to listen
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to an audiobook, how you might have a child on your lap doing something.
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Was that something that you had to learn on how to get your children involved
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in some of your own self care routines to
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stay grounded and how important do you think that is for them to see
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that you're getting that self care? Yes. I
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definitely feel like that was a learning curve for me, and I I think
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it's something that a lot of parents need to hear, actually, a lot of caregivers
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that, do you need time alone? Absolutely. Like,
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every caregiver needs some time alone. Right? Solitude.
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Time away from all the noise, all the the social
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dynamics, all the overstimulation of caring for
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kids. But, also, what I've realized is that my battery
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life won't drain as quickly if I'm incorporating
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things on a regular basis during the day with my
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kids to care for myself. So if I know
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that going for a walk outside is really going to help, I can bring my
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kids. And you know what? A lot of the time, it's okay. Like,
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a walk with my kids can be, isn't always, but can
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be just as enjoyable as a walk all by myself. And I might still
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get many of the same components of that care that I'm needing
18:25
or listening to music in the car. You know? Like, sometimes when my 9 year
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old says, can we can we turn on my playlist, mom? And I do that
18:33
self check and realize like, hey. You know what? Some really
18:36
upbeat kids' music right now just might put a smile on my face
18:40
too. And maybe that's exactly what I need right now, and that can care for
18:43
all of us really well. So I do think that it's important to
18:47
find again, there's that word balance of making sure that
18:51
I'm being intentional about carving out the space and time I
18:54
need to care for myself that I need to do aside from my my
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caregiving role. But then also trying as much as I
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can to incorporate self care into my daily rhythms of care so
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that I'm not having to escape from the caregiving in order to
19:09
care for myself. Because sometimes, as we know, it's just not possible.
19:13
You know? We go through seasons. We've been in seasons as a family
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where we've had both physical and mental illness in our family
19:20
pretty consistently over the last 10 years, and it's not
19:24
always possible. Sometimes caregiver needs to
19:28
be there, and it's not always possible to escape. I know there's there's so
19:32
many moms, especially when we talk to foster and adoptive moms
19:35
and kinship caregivers. I feel like I'm narrowing that
19:39
focus there. But many, many caregivers feel like I can't take
19:43
a break. I can't take a night off. Or if I do, it's not worth
19:47
it. By the time I get back home, I'm gonna be picking up
19:50
so many pieces that it wasn't even worth the 1 or 2 hours that I
19:54
took to go out for dinner with my husband or whatever it might be.
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I get that. I get that. And and there are seasons where
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you're absolutely right. It's not actually going to fill your tank
20:05
the way something else might. So I think it's it's about getting
20:08
creative. Right? Figuring out what do I need and how can I
20:12
get that in a way that is actually going to
20:16
leave me feeling cared for and feeling
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filled up, I guess? And sometimes leaving home
20:24
and leaving our kids creates more anxiety and more trauma and
20:28
more chaos than is worth what might seem like
20:31
the benefits of it. There is always a way that we can
20:35
find to care for ourselves. It just may take some creative
20:39
thinking and some planning and some intentionality.
20:43
And I think it's great for our kids to see that. We went through a
20:46
long season where one night of the week was always mom's night
20:50
off in our house. And my husband really gifted that with me for a season.
20:53
And it it hasn't worked. We haven't been doing that for 10 years straight. We
20:57
just did that for a season. We did that for a number of years where
21:01
it was possible, and then suddenly, it wasn't working anymore. But that was
21:04
something that my kids just got used to. They got used to like, oh, it's
21:08
Monday. It's mom's night off. After dinner, mom disappears
21:11
for a little while. I could just go. I could choose
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what I was going to do in that time to kind of fill myself up.
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Sometimes it was 30 minutes. Sometimes it was 3 hours. It wasn't always the
21:22
same depending on what was going on in the house, but I had that little
21:26
snippet of time. But that took planning. It took communication between my husband and I.
21:29
It took, you know, identifying what are my needs and what is
21:33
feasible for all of us. Most caregivers aren't caring
21:37
for those they care for alone. So it often takes
21:40
communication with the other caregiver, whether it's a spouse
21:44
or whether it's even grandparents or whoever
21:48
else might be in your village to figure out how can we work together to
21:51
make sure that everybody is not just surviving, but
21:55
thriving. That's our goal. Right? Yeah. You already answered
21:58
one of the questions I was gonna ask you about your your husband.
22:02
I mean, if our listeners listened to your previous episode, you guys went through some
22:05
pretty stressful times, even in the last year or
22:09
so. So what are some other ways that you and your husband have
22:13
supported each other in maintaining your own mental and emotional well-being?
22:18
I love that question because I I love to talk about my husband and
22:22
the way that we've found to care for each other well and care for
22:26
our kids well together. And your marriage. Right? And our
22:29
marriage. Exactly. And so often, we remind
22:33
ourselves of this regularly. We on the really stressful
22:36
chaotic days, we will just look at each other and be like, one day,
22:40
it's just gonna be the 2 of us again. And we are so excited for
22:44
that, and it's okay to be excited for that. It's okay to be excited
22:47
that one day, your kids are gonna grow up. And,
22:51
you know, if all goes as planned, you know, they're going to be able to
22:55
be independent. That doesn't always look the same. We have some kids that
22:59
we expect much more independence from than others in our household,
23:02
But it's not always going to be like this. And similar to what
23:06
I was saying before, it's important to recognize that this is a season. Right? This
23:10
is a season of our lives. And how can we make sure that we're investing
23:14
for the next season that's coming as well? I don't want to
23:18
end up as empty nesters and look at each other and be like,
23:22
who are you? I don't know you. And where have you been this whole time?
23:26
I married my husband because he's my best friend and
23:29
because I adore him. And I never wanna forget that. I don't wanna forget that
23:33
in the middle of the busy and the chaotic. I don't wanna forget that this
23:36
is my person. This is who I've chosen to do life with. So we try
23:40
to we try to carve out, you know, time. Not just time together, but
23:44
also time to have fun together, making sure
23:48
that we're laughing together, making sure that we're dreaming together about the
23:51
future and that next season that's coming. And probably
23:55
one of the biggest things that we've learned over the last few years, because you're
23:59
right, it's it's been it's been a really difficult season for our
24:03
family for, I wanna say, like, 4 years now. Just a lot going on, and
24:06
we're still we're still in the thick of it. It just it just feels like
24:09
it doesn't end. Right? There's just a lot to to cope
24:13
with. There's a lot to process. And I'm just
24:17
so glad I'm not doing it alone. You know? I'm glad that I have a
24:20
partner beside me who is committed to doing this with me. And
24:24
what we're learning is how to work off each other's strengths and
24:27
identify each other's strengths at any given time. So when we're thrown
24:31
into chaos, you know, or crisis mode, to be able to look at each
24:35
other and kind of have that check-in of, like, where are you at
24:38
and how much do you got? And some days, you know, it's like, you
24:42
know what? I got this. I got this. If you can keep
24:46
everybody else occupied, I can handle this crisis here,
24:49
or I can make that hard phone call, or I can go and do the
24:53
pickup. Or 2 days ago, my husband spent all night in
24:57
the emergency room, and he was like, it's okay. I got this. I got this.
25:00
You go to bed. You sleep so that you can take care of everybody else
25:04
tomorrow. I will be in Emerge all night tonight, and
25:08
I'm okay. And he did that, and he spent all night in Emerge,
25:11
and then he drove straight to work and worked all day. He's incredible.
25:15
But I knew then that on the flip side, coming out of that, obviously,
25:19
by the next night, then it was my turn. Right? So
25:23
to be able to work off of what our natural strengths
25:27
are, but then also at any given time, just realizing,
25:30
like, you know, I've already had a chaotic weekend,
25:34
and I'm I'm at the bottom of the barrel. I've got nothing left to give.
25:38
I think what we've learned is to be able to communicate that to each other
25:41
and just be honest about, like, you know what? I'm really struggling. Like, I
25:45
need some help here. And more often than not and I don't know
25:48
if this is just, you know, God's grace or whether it's hearing
25:52
your partner identify so clearly. Like, you know what? I need help. I
25:56
need you. How can we do this together? Usually, there's
26:00
one of us who can say, okay. You know what? I hear you. It's okay.
26:04
I've got this. You go. You take a break or you
26:07
rest or whatever it might be. Now our previous episode,
26:11
we talked about how your church
26:14
community and those surrounding you can kinda be a support to
26:18
you. I wanna get right back into this marriage conversation because I think it's such
26:22
a big piece of self care when you're when you have a spouse,
26:26
that marriage care is really self care. Yes. Because like you said,
26:30
children are only with you for a season, but your spouse is forever.
26:33
And you wanna make sure that you're healthy throughout that, and it's also gonna give
26:37
you a healthier household if if your marriage is healthy and your kids are gonna
26:40
be happier. So what can the community around you, the church
26:44
community, do to help support you guys as a couple in the midst
26:48
of being caregivers with 6 children and a household? How
26:52
can the church surround you guys as a couple to support your marriage
26:55
even? Yeah. The first thing that comes
26:59
to my mind is just, you know, being surrounded by a lot of other
27:03
people who also value their marriages. I think that's something
27:06
important that we found in our church community is we're surrounded
27:10
by other people who are also going through
27:14
life raising kids, dealing with crises,
27:18
challenges that come up, and and we see other people around us
27:21
valuing their marriage and making sure that they're being intentional
27:25
about taking the time to invest in each other and
27:29
invest in their relationship. So that's encouraging, just to see that
27:32
in people around us and and have that influence. So that's been
27:36
powerful. And then, I mean, just practically, you know,
27:40
making space to prioritize things like date nights and, you know,
27:44
time away when we do need it. We do try to take some time
27:47
take some time away at least every whether it's once a year or
27:51
once every other year to go away for the weekend. And then
27:55
just on a on a weekly basis, we've tried to be really intentional about
27:58
making date nights a priority. We do not go out once
28:02
a week, to be clear. That's not what date night weekly looks like because that
28:06
wouldn't be feasible. Right? We don't even with our wonderful community,
28:10
that is a way that they can and have and do offer support.
28:14
But we haven't we haven't had anybody consistently in our
28:18
lives the past 10 years who's willing to babysit once a week. So if you
28:21
find somebody like that, that's incredible. And that's quite an
28:25
investment. And, I mean, if you're listening to this and you're,
28:29
especially, you know, a young adult or maybe
28:33
you're a couple who you don't have kids of your own or your kids are
28:36
grown and that's something that you'd be willing to do, I can guarantee
28:40
that that's something that would be really beneficial to a family who's
28:44
in the midst of caregiving and just in that hustle and bustle and
28:47
chaos of life. It's important to spend time alone, and it can be really
28:51
hard and and just hard to ask people. I think that's that's another thing
28:55
that I've had to get past is realizing that people really do want to be
28:59
helpful, and they want to be supportive. But oftentimes, they don't know
29:02
what to offer. And sometimes we just have to be brave enough to
29:06
ask and making sure that we're finding those safe people who we
29:10
know they'll say no if if they can't do it. Right? Because
29:14
that takes the pressure off of me that maybe somebody's resentfully caring for
29:17
me. Right? But if we have those people in our life where we know
29:21
that they're gonna be honest with us and say, no. I'm so sorry. Like, this
29:24
is a really crazy week for me. I can't do that. Okay. That's
29:28
totally fine. Just checking. We'll try you again another time.
29:32
Just having those kinds of conversations, I think, is really great.
29:36
So if there's listeners that actually know you and are listening to this this conversation,
29:40
maybe just go buy a nice gift card for you guys to go for dinner
29:43
and then offer to watch the kids. So that's a good way to
29:46
like, offering help is probably huge because
29:50
you you feel like you don't wanna ask for help all the time, especially when
29:53
it it feels like it might be a burden of 6 kids to put on
29:56
someone else. Right? So I think one way for the community
30:00
to come around a couple like you and support your marriage and support your
30:04
family is just to offer help and to come with an
30:07
idea already because you're not necessarily thinking about things that you could do
30:11
together. But saying, here's a gift card I want you to go out, and we're
30:14
gonna watch your kids on this night. That would probably be a a
30:18
huge thing. I'm just throwing that in there if there's some listeners that happen to
30:21
know Alicia. So I love that. And it's some as you were saying that,
30:25
I would love to just share. Like, there's a few instances that pop into my
30:29
mind. I mean, right now, while I'm sitting here doing this podcast
30:32
recording, my friend is watching some of my kids, and this
30:36
friend has been absolutely incredible. She started out,
30:40
she was in high school, and she started babysitting for us for a summer.
30:44
She did do that, like, weekly, pretty much weekly date
30:48
nights so that we could get out. She started you know, that was years years
30:51
ago. Now she's a young adult. She has a busy life of her
30:54
own, but she comes back to our hometown, her hometown for the
30:58
summers, for at least, you know, periods of the summer. And every time she's
31:02
home, she's checking in and she's saying, hey. How can I help? What can
31:06
I do? Let's hang out this week. Let's connect. And I know that she's always
31:09
willing to spend time with my kids and invest in them and, you know,
31:13
she'll offer a date night, and that means the world to me. And she's
31:17
she's a young adult. She there are so many things that she could be doing
31:20
with her time and her energy, but she's chosen to invest in us, and it's
31:23
made a huge difference. We we love her so much, and we're so grateful for
31:27
her. Another thing that pops into my mind is just the random
31:31
offers. Like you said, when people just offer to help, there was recently
31:35
a weekend where we were just falling apart at the pieces. And I had a
31:38
friend come up to us and was just like, hey. Can I take 2 of
31:41
your kids this afternoon? Can they come over and play? And they didn't even know
31:45
what was going on. But it just felt like God was like, I see
31:49
you, and here are your people, and it's gonna be okay. You don't
31:52
have to do this alone. And then, absolutely, our family. We are
31:56
surrounded by an incredible extended family who are just
32:00
always willing to be supportive, and we know that they will be honest.
32:04
I know that when I call my mother-in-law for, like, the 5th time of the
32:07
week, and I'm like, I'm so sorry. I know you already
32:11
spent so much time with your grandchildren this week, but do you want one more
32:15
hour? She will be honest with me, and she'll say, like, you know what? I
32:18
need a down day, so not today. And
32:21
that's what I need. Right? I need I need to know that
32:25
people will be honest with me so that I don't have to worry that when
32:28
I'm asking, because I probably don't want to be asking,
32:32
but I feel like I have to ask, that they'll be honest and and
32:36
they will let me know. We haven't talked about really
32:40
preventative things. I mean, you're pretty good at self care because you've done
32:43
the trauma care training, and it talks a lot about that. But what are some
32:47
of the signs that you know that you're on the verge of burnout,
32:51
and what kind of things can you do to mitigate getting to that
32:54
point? Oh, yeah. I mean,
32:58
you say I'm I'm pretty good at this. I I I don't know, Johan.
33:02
You you have the information as as a trauma care
33:06
trainer. Right? So Yes. I do have the information. And so
33:09
now maybe, yes, possibly, I recognize that I I'd
33:13
like to think I recognize the signs a little bit sooner than I did
33:17
longer ago. But, definitely, I for me, and I think for
33:20
a lot of caregivers, it's, you know, when you start to see things
33:24
like, I'm waking up at 2 in the morning pretty regularly,
33:28
and my brain can't stop spinning. And I can't go back to sleep for,
33:31
like, 2 hours because I'm worrying that we're not gonna be
33:35
okay. I'm not gonna make it through the next week or the next day
33:38
or, you know, trying to problem solve the next year in
33:42
your mind. Because at 2 AM, I don't know, things just go haywire.
33:46
Right? It's it's not a good time for processing, but we try anyway.
33:50
You know, things like that or just just constant
33:54
exhaustion, irritability. I had a day recently where I
33:57
woke up, and I just felt irritated at the world.
34:01
And as I recognized that, I was able to
34:04
stop and, with some curiosity, try to
34:08
think about, okay. What is going on inside of me right now?
34:12
Which reminds me, I have a little tip to offer.
34:16
There is an app. It's called how we feel, and I love it.
34:20
It's absolutely wonderful. You just download it on your phone, Android
34:23
or or iPhone, and it sends me notifications throughout the day.
34:27
So it kinda reminds me, like, just checking in how you're feeling.
34:31
And so you click on the app, and it starts off with 4 different categories.
34:35
So you can choose from high energy or low
34:39
energy, and there's kind of the low
34:42
energy positive and low energy negative, and then
34:46
high energy positive or high energy negative. What I love about those four
34:50
options is that usually I can identify, okay. Am I high
34:54
energy or low energy? And am I feeling, like,
34:58
okay or not okay? And then from there, once you tap on
35:01
one of those options, it gives you a whole bunch of words to choose from
35:05
to try to identify how you're feeling. And that might sound hilarious.
35:09
Like, a number of years ago, if you would've asked me, like, do you
35:13
know how you're feeling most of the time? I would've said, oh, for sure. Absolutely.
35:16
Yes. I'm, like, emotionally intelligent. I know what's going on inside of me. I
35:20
understand how I feel. But what I've realized over the last number of years
35:24
is that I actually don't know what I'm feeling most of the
35:28
time. And so how can I problem solve and be creative about
35:31
caring for myself when I don't even know how to diagnose the
35:35
problem or what's going on? And so I love this app for
35:39
that. You can click on the little bubbles that show the words, and it will
35:42
give you a little description. And you would not believe how many times I'm
35:46
just kind of, like, tapping through going like, no. That's not quite it.
35:50
No. That's not quite it. And then I find when I'm like, yes. Yes. That's
35:53
it. Okay. I know how I'm feeling. And just the relief that I find in
35:57
being able to identify. Okay, I know what's going on inside of me,
36:01
usually following up, then I can figure out, okay,
36:05
what do I need? Or is this just a wonderful moment to celebrate?
36:09
Right? Obviously, it this is a great idea to use this app when
36:12
you're having really positive feelings as well and to be able to just celebrate that
36:15
and take some time to have a worship moment and praise God and say, you
36:19
know what? Thank you so much for this moment. We are having a good day,
36:23
or this has been a great hour for me. I feel so much peace or
36:26
so much joy or just that abundance of gratitude right now. And I'm
36:30
thankful for that and to just live in that moment for a bit. But if
36:34
things are rocky or hard or there's sadness,
36:37
there's grief, there's overwhelm, there's overstimulation, so many different things going
36:41
on to be able to realize, like, okay. How can I make a little shift
36:45
and get back to a space where I'm going to be able to offer care
36:48
to all these people who are coming to me and looking to me to meet
36:52
their needs? So the How We Feel app, not not
36:56
a sponsor, should be. Yes. I'll I'll throw that in the
36:59
show notes for people that wanna pick that up. But Awesome. As a
37:03
trauma care trainer, and many of our listeners haven't
37:07
taken this trauma care training, How much has that helped
37:11
you in self care? Even even learning about the
37:14
children that you care for and the trauma that they've gone through, what's your
37:18
pitch on people taking the trauma care course to get better at
37:22
self care? Yes. Well, I think this
37:26
has been a huge part of self care for me. I think
37:30
early on and if you listen to the the last episode that I was on,
37:33
I kinda tell the story of what brought my husband and I to trauma
37:37
care. But as we started learning about how trauma
37:40
has impacted many of the kids in our home and also
37:44
how trauma has impacted ourselves, that came a little bit later,
37:48
I started to be able to peel off some of those layers of
37:51
guilt and of anxiety and
37:55
overwhelm because I really didn't know what was going on.
37:59
And similar to what we just talked about where, you know,
38:02
knowing how I'm feeling can help me to kinda diagnose the situation and figure
38:06
out how to move forward. It's the same with my kids. When I
38:09
understand a little bit more about how trauma has
38:13
impacted them, I can sort of diagnose what's going on
38:17
and realize, like, okay. There are impacts here
38:20
that are completely out of my control. I
38:24
didn't cause this, and there's nothing I can do to go
38:28
back and fix it. But what I can do is I can
38:31
move forward with the knowledge of what's going on.
38:35
And oftentimes, my way forward is going to look different
38:40
with an understanding of where we're truly at. Again,
38:44
similar to my own emotions. Right? If I think I'm just
38:47
angry, then I might have a a lot of
38:51
interesting ways of trying to solve that. But if I understand that
38:55
I'm angry, but my anger is masking grief
38:59
or anxiety, then it's going to look different in the way
39:02
that I move forward. And it's the same thing with my kids. I still
39:06
struggle. I think every mom does. I still struggle with a lot
39:10
of guilt, a lot of should haves, would haves,
39:14
you know, wanting to be perfect and
39:18
wrestling with my own capacity limits and my own
39:21
weaknesses, my own challenges, my own vicarious
39:24
trauma. But the knowledge and the understanding really
39:28
does pave a way toward freedom and healing
39:32
that is just just beautiful. And I'm so thankful that self
39:36
care is a part of this course. It comes right at the
39:39
end. It's the last module of the course,
39:42
which I love because, you know, we've learned all these things, and
39:46
then we wrap it up with self care. But at Care Impact, we've also been
39:50
having a lot of conversations about how do we make sure that
39:54
we bring this in sooner. And so this fall, when I'm teaching, we're we're
39:57
actually gonna talk about it on the 1st day already. We're going to talk about
40:00
impact, and then we're going to go right ahead and talk about self care. So
40:04
I'm interested to see kind of how that plays out and how that feels.
40:08
We'd like to think that as caregivers, we're we're
40:12
fine. Right? We're fine. We're just we're always
40:15
fine. We can do it. Especially if you equip us with all this
40:19
knowledge, we'll be fine. There's the other f word. Right? Yes.
40:23
Yep. Yes. The f word. But we're not fine
40:26
that so many of us are not okay. And until
40:30
we start to get real about that and we start to figure out how to
40:34
move ourselves toward a healthier place, we're not going to be able to
40:38
care well, especially all these strategies. So
40:41
something interesting that I've found as I've started learning more about trauma care
40:45
is that as long as I'm, like, in the material and I'm regularly, like,
40:49
refreshing myself on the strategies and the why behind
40:53
it and the understanding, I find it's very helpful.
40:56
However, if I take too long of a break this is
41:00
maybe just me. But if I take too long of a break, things start to
41:03
get a little bit fuzzy. Often what happens is I
41:07
guess this is probably, honestly, the enemy. It's like he takes that knowledge and
41:11
he uses it against me. Right? Because he's like, oh my goodness. You're a
41:15
trauma care trainer. You should know better than this. You should be doing
41:18
things this way. Look at you know, there's there's, like, 10 strategies listed out
41:22
here for you, and you're not doing any of them. What are you doing? You
41:25
know, that you're a failure. All all these lies from the enemy.
41:29
But as long as I am in that material and actually getting
41:33
it in context, there's so much about the why, and
41:36
there's so much about the practical how to do this, and there's
41:40
so much compassion for the caregiver.
41:44
And I love that. Our whole team at Care Impact is passionate
41:48
about compassion for caregivers. Because if we're not compassionate
41:51
toward ourselves, there's no way we're going to be able to be compassionate for
41:55
those that we're caring for. The vulnerable people around us,
41:59
they're not going to get that compassion if we're not practicing it on ourselves
42:02
as well. Which is why trauma care is so much more effective in the
42:06
midst of community communities that are all trained in it. Right? Which
42:10
Yes. I mean, you're not gonna forget it as easily when everybody's
42:13
practicing it on a regular basis. So that's something that we really strive for to
42:17
see the church trained and equipped in trauma care. So, you
42:20
listeners, if you're looking for it, Care Impact does offer it in many
42:24
places. Alicia's doing a training in October in Ottawa. So we're
42:28
excited about that, and there's always gonna be more. There's some online options
42:32
as well. So we're coming to the end of our time here. It's just flying
42:35
by. So before we finish here, though, I wanna make sure that you have
42:39
an opportunity to give some practical tips or advice that you
42:43
might have. I'll give you the last word here, Alicia.
42:47
Thank you, Johan. Yeah. When I when I just think about practical
42:51
self care, there's so many things that come to mind. The top of
42:54
the list right now for me, because this is something that I've really been
42:58
investing in lately, is therapy, Therapy for yourself as a
43:02
caregiver. I know that's not an option for everybody.
43:06
But if it's even remotely an option, I would encourage you
43:09
to seek out professional counselor or
43:13
therapist who can help you walk through your own big
43:16
feelings. We mentioned vicarious trauma just briefly.
43:20
When we walk with others who have hard stories,
43:24
foster care brings a lot of trauma, a lot of grief, a lot of
43:28
loss. It's just hard. I've had to sit through
43:32
some some really graphic details of
43:36
hard stories, and it changes you. It shifts
43:39
things inside of you. And there are some things that are really hard to
43:43
forget and really hard to set down. And many of us as
43:47
caregivers have been in situations that we never ever dreamt that we would
43:51
ever be in and had to make very hard decisions that
43:54
just they do. They they keep us awake at 2 in the morning with
43:58
all the the ifs, ands, and should'ves, and what could I have done
44:02
differently, and how did things possibly come to this? I must be
44:06
doing something horribly wrong. It's been really important for me
44:09
to to spend time caring for myself by seeking out that
44:13
professional who can help me walk through what's going on inside of me. How
44:17
can I develop good habits in my own life? And just giving me
44:21
a space to talk, to let it all out with no guilt.
44:25
You know, I'm not trying to care for my therapist. She's not my
44:28
friend. She's not my spouse. She's not my child. She's not a
44:32
relative. She's just my therapist. And her
44:36
only job is to sit there and to listen to me and reflect
44:40
back to me. This is what I'm hearing you say. What do you think about
44:43
this? And to help me come up with strategies for me, for my personal
44:47
life. I feel like, you know, I spend so much time investing and
44:50
advocating for my kids and how to help them be healthier, but
44:54
I need somebody to invest in me too. And that's where
44:58
therapy comes in for me. I've also done biblical counseling in the past,
45:02
and that was wonderful perspective. Just depending on where you're
45:05
at, what you're experiencing in your in your brain, in your body, and
45:09
your emotions, and your beliefs, I think that will shift in which way
45:13
which direction you might wanna go in that that frame. And
45:16
then, I mean, we've talked about marriage a lot. That's important
45:20
as far as just personal personal ways of caring for myself.
45:24
I know that I need time in nature. I need time to be
45:28
outside. I love the quote that says nature
45:32
rightsizes our world. You know, we go outside, and
45:35
suddenly we are so so small, and our
45:39
problems become smaller, and our perspective shifts.
45:43
That's important for me, and I know it is for a lot of people. We
45:46
love to go camping. So in the summertime, that's always an important part of our
45:49
summer. We go for a couple weekends. We go camping. We live by
45:53
Georgian Bay, so we go out on the bay. We get, like, a Crownland spot.
45:56
It's beautiful. It's absolutely breathtaking out there. Just being
45:59
surrounded by giant skies and
46:03
forests and water, it's very therapeutic for me.
46:07
And I I just find it it gives me a chance to just breathe,
46:11
I guess. Deep breathing is just one of those practical,
46:15
my kids tell me all the time. It doesn't work for me, mom. But
46:19
I promise you, keep keep trying with your kids and keep trying with
46:22
yourself. Like, it's scientifically proven when we breathe and
46:26
just learn how to breathe properly and relax the muscles in our
46:30
neck, in our shoulders, our facial muscles, all the way down
46:33
to the soles of our feet. It can change how we're able to
46:37
think, how we're able to process, just to be able to bring some clarity to
46:41
those moments when we're overwhelmed and overstimulated.
46:44
Journaling, mindfulness. I know that's kind of a a
46:48
hot topic word right now in society. But mindfulness is just paying
46:52
attention to where you are right now and what's going on
46:56
in this moment. And, again, I think it's such a
46:59
biblical practice to just slow down and just
47:03
realize, like, there are so many things that I'm worrying about
47:06
and anxious about that are out of my control. There's nothing I can do
47:10
about them. But what I can do is make good choices
47:14
right now in this moment. And I can notice what's around me. I
47:18
can practice gratitude for the things that are
47:21
beautiful and good in this world. And the
47:25
beautiful thing is, as Christians, we can ask our creator
47:29
how he thinks of us as his created beings. And that's
47:33
part of mindfulness as as believers, I believe. Yes. Thank you so
47:36
much for so many beautiful insights and
47:40
another great conversation. Thanks for coming on, Alicia. Thanks for having
47:44
me back. I loved it. Thank you for joining another
47:48
conversation on Journey with Care, where we inspire
47:51
curious Canadians on their path of faith and living life with
47:55
purpose in community. Journey with Care is an initiative of Care
47:58
Impact, a Canadian charity dedicated to connecting and equipping the
48:02
whole church to journey well in community. You can visit their website
48:06
at careimpact. Ca, or visit journey with care. Ca to get
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48:21
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sharing this podcast and helping these stories reach the community. Together,
48:28
we can explore ways to journey in a good way. And always
48:32
remember to stay curious.