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LIFE AS AN EMOJI · Evening Zoo in the Country

• COMING UP THIS HOUR … Tonight you've earned the prestigious Gold Star of Effort! All the awards in this episode awards are given for doing the bare minimum with the maximum amount of enthusiasm. You've truly set a world record for pretending to try. Wear it with pride, it's the participation trophy's cooler cousin! You traffic report, where we will have the riveting details on how long you’ll be sitting in your car, contemplating life choices while staring at the back of that minivan. Later it's the "Movie Moment," from the Video Vault! Get ready to relive cinematic masterpieces—like that one time you rented a film so bad, you couldn’t believe it was ever made. So get ready to lower your expectations and let’s dive into a show that’ll remind you why parents still eat their you! MONOLOGUE HOUR 1 WELCOME TO THE GOLD STAR FOR EFFORT! ... THE ONLY SHOW WHERE TRYING COUNTS AS WINNING! ... TONIGHT, WE’RE GIVING OUT AWARDS FOR THE ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM BECAUSE WHY STRIVE FOR GREATNESS WHEN YOU CAN AIM FOR JUST OKAY? FIRST UP, WE HAVE THE BEST ATTEMPT AT COOKING! ... CONGRATULATIONS TO GARY, WHO SET OFF THE SMOKE ALARM WHILE MAKING TACOS ... YOU TRULY BURNED YOUR WAY INTO OUR HEARTS! NEXT, WE’VE GOT THE MOST CREATIVE USE OF THE SNOOZE BUTTON! SHOUTOUT TO LISA, WHO MANAGED TO HIT SNOOZE TEN TIMES THIS MORNING—SETTING A NEW WORLD RECORD! YOU REALLY SHOWED THAT ALARM WHO’S BOSS! SO STICK AROUND, AS WE CELEBRATE ALL THE GLORIOUS MOMENTS OF MEDIOCRITY! ,,, BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU CAN STILL SAY, …‘WELL, AT LEAST I TRIED!’ SO TONIGHT WE DISCUSS THE FANTASTIC AWARDS THAT MAKE NO SENSE. ALRIGHT, LET’S GET THIS MUSIC STARTED! BECAUSE CLEARLY,… WE ALL NEED A SOUNDTRACK FOR OUR DAILY STRUGGLES! BUT NON THE LESS YOU’RE HERE SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL LISTEN TO THIS CRAP. # # # MONOLOGUE HOUR 2 WELCOME TO THE GOLD STAR FOR EFFORT TONIGHT! ... WHERE WE CELEBRATE THOSE MOMENTS THAT ARE DEFINITELY NOT WINNING ... BUT HEY, YOU TRIED! TONIGHT ... WE’RE HANDING OUT AWARDS FOR THE MOST IMPRESSIVE EXAMPLES OF… WELL, JUST SHOWING UP! FIRST UP ... WE HAVE THE BEST EXCUSE FOR MISSING A DEADLINE! ... HUGE SHOUTOUT TO TIM, WHO CLAIMED HIS GOLDFISH HAD A 'MENTAL HEALTH DAY' ... BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY, THE FISH NEEDED A BREAK FROM HIS RESPONSIBILITIES! ACROSS TOWN WE HAVE THE MOST ENTHUSIASTIC COUCH POTATO! ... CONGRATS TO SARAH FOR BINGE-WATCHING AN ENTIRE SEASON OF HER FAVORITE SHOW ... IN ONE SITTING! ... YOU REALLY PUT THE ‘PRO’ IN PROCRASTINATION! SO GRAB YOUR PARTICIPATION RIBBONS AND SETTLE IN ... BECAUSE HERE ... TRYING IS THE NEW WINNING! LET’S GIVE IT UP FOR EFFORT—BECAUSE SOMETIMES, THAT’S ALL YOU’VE GOT! TIME TO CRANK UP THE TUNES AGAIN! … LET’S DROWN OUT THE SOUND OF OUR POOR LIFE CHOICES WITH SOME CATCHY BEATS AND MORE CRAPPY CONTENT THAT'LL MAKE YOU WONDER WHY MOM DIDN'T JUST HOLD HER WATER AND DROWN YOU.! # # # TYPES OF PARTICIPATION 1. THE ALMOST DID IT AWARD FOR THOSE WHO GOT CLOSE ENOUGH TO COUNT, BUT NOT QUITE! THE ALMOST DID IT AWARD … IS WHERE WE CELEBRATE THOSE VALIANT EFFORTS THAT CAME OH-SO-CLOSE BUT ULTIMATELY MISSED THE MARK! … THINK OF IT AS A PARTICIPATION TROPHY … WITH EXTRA SARCASM … BECAUSE SHOWING UP IS HALF THE BATTLE, RIGHT? … TUNE IN TO HEAR ALL ABOUT OUR CHAMPIONS OF NEAR-SUCCESS,… WHERE ‘ALMOST’ IS THE NEW ‘WINNER’! LET’S GET BACK INTO YOUR HOT HIT KICKIN' COUNTRY … BECAUSE NOTHING SOLVES PROBLEMS QUITE LIKE PRETENDING WE’RE IN A MUSIC VIDEO! # # # 2. THE ‘I WAS HERE’ AWARD FOR SHOWING UP AND LOOKING GOOD WHILE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! THAT’S WHERE CELEBRATING THOSE DEDICATED SOULS WHO SHOWED UP AND... WELL, THAT’S ABOUT IT! … IT’S ALL ABOUT MAKING AN APPEARANCE WITHOUT ANY ACTUAL EFFORT … BECAUSE SOMETIMES, JUST BEING PRESENT IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY! … TUNE IN FOR OUR CHAMPIONS OF COMMITMENT TO CASUAL EXISTENCE! YEAH WAIT TO GO .. YOU GET A COOKIE. MORE THE GOLD STAR FOR EFFORT COMING UP … BECAUSE SILENCE WAS GETTING WAY TOO COMFORTABLE AROUND HERE! 3. THE BEST USE OF GOOGLE AWARD AN AWARD THAT CELEBRATES THOSE WHO TURNED 'I DON’T KNOW' INTO AN OLYMPIC SPORT! … YOU WILL HEAR OUR CHAMPIONS OF LAST MINUTE RESEARCH … PROVING THAT WHY THINK FOR YOURSELF WHEN YOU CAN JUST SEARCH FOR THE ANSWERS? … WHO KNEW BROWSING COULD BE A SKILL? AHHIGHT LETS GO .. IT’S TIME TO TURN THIS RADIO INTO THE ONLY FULL-ON DANCE FLOOR YOU SEE ON THE RADIO … OR AT LEAST A SHUFFLE TO THE FRIDGE! 4. THE MOST CREATIVE EXCUSE AWARD THE MOST CREATIVE EXCUSE AWARD … WHERE WE APPLAUD THE IMAGINATION OF THOSE WHO CAN TURN 'I DIDN’T DO IT' … INTO A …SHAKESPEAREAN MASTERPIECE! … THE AWARD GOES TO OUR TOP CONTENDERS FOR CRAFTING EXCUSES SO ELABORATE … THEY DESERVE AN OSCAR! … BECAUSE WHY BE HONEST WHEN YOU CAN BE ENTERTAINING? IT'S THE GOLD STAR FOR EFFORT … BECAUSE WHO DOESN’T LOVE AN EXCUSE TO IGNORE RESPONSIBILITIES? 5. THE PROCRASTINATION CHAMPION THE PROCRASTINATION CHAMPION AWARD IS WHERE YOU CELEBRATE THOSE WHO’VE MASTERED THE ART OF DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING UNTIL THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND! ... THE PROCRASTINATORS SHARE THEIR BEST TIPS ON HOW TO TURN 'TOMORROW' INTO AN ENDLESS LIFESTYLE ... BECAUSE WHY DO IT TODAY ... WHEN YOU CAN STRESS ABOUT IT TOMORROW? MORE GOLD STAR OF EFFORTS ON THE DOCKET … BECAUSE IF WE CAN’T SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS WITH GOOFY AWARDS … WE MIGHT AS WELL GROOVE THROUGH THEM! 6. THE MVP OF GOOD INTENTIONS HONORING THOSE WHO PLAN TO SUCCEED BUT SOMEHOW MANAGE TO ACHIEVE… NOTHING! TUNE IN FOR TALES OF GRAND IDEAS THAT NEVER LEFT THE DRAWING BOARD, PROVING THAT WISHING AND HOPING IS A SPORT ALL ITS OWN. BECAUSE DREAMING IS WAY EASIER THAN DOING! THESE ARE THE GOLD STAR OF EFFORTS … IT’S EITHER THAT OR LISTEN TO ME RAMBLE, AND WE BOTH KNOW WHICH IS MORE APPEALING! 7. THE SPECTATOR AWARD CELEBRATING THOSE WHO’VE PERFECTED THE ART OF WATCHING FROM THE SIDELINES! … TUNE IN TO HEAR OUR CHAMPIONS OF OBSERVATION SHARE THEIR WISDOM ON HOW TO CONTRIBUTE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING … WHILE STILL ENJOYING THE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ... BECAUSE SOMETIMES, CHEERING FROM THE COUCH IS A FULL-TIME JOB! WE WILL HAVE MORE ... GOLD STAR OF EFFORTS AWARDS ... BECAUSE YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHICH AWARD IS FIT FOR YOU! ... BECAUSE CLEARLY ... LISTENING TO ME TALK IS NOT WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR! 8. THE ‘BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME’ TROPHY BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME’ TROPHY! … WHERE YOU CELEBRATE THOSE WHO CAME CLOSE TO SUCCESS … BUT GRACEFULLY FLOPPED INSTEAD! … IT'S THE HEARTWARMING TALE OF VALIANT EFFORTS …THAT WENT SPECTACULARLY WRONG … PROVING THAT SOMETIMES … FAILURE IS JUST SUCCESS IN DISGUISE—IF YOU SQUINT HARD ENOUGH! SO WE'LL HAVE MORE THE GOLD STAR EFFORTS COMING UP BUT UNTIL THEN ... LET'S FILL THIS SPACE WITH MUSIC INSTEAD OF AWKWARD SILENCE ... BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT’S UNCOMFORTABLE! 9. THE ‘AT LEAST YOU TRIED’ MEDAL THIS IS THE DELICATE AWARD FOR THOSE BRAVE SOULS WHO PUT IN THE EFFORT AND STILL MANAGED TO MISS THE MARK COMPLETELY!... IT'S FOR INSPIRING STORIES OF NOBLE ATTEMPTS THAT REMIND US ALL THAT … TRYING IS WHAT TRULY COUNTS … RIGHT BEFORE THE EPIC FACEPLANT! THE GOLD STAR OF EFFORTS IN THE EVENING ZOO ... BECAUSE WHY FACE REALITY WHEN WE CAN PRETEND WE’RE IN A MOVIE MONTAGE? 10. THE ENTHUSIASTIC MEDIOCRITY AWARD CELEBRATING THOSE WHO APPROACH THE AVERAGE WITH UNBRIDLED EXCITEMENT! … IT'S STORIES OF PEOPLE WHO GIVE 110% FOR ACHIEVING A SOLID ‘MEH … BECAUSE WHY AIM FOR GREATNESS WHEN YOU CAN BE DELIGHTFULLY ORDINARY? LETS TURN UP THE VOLUME NOW BECAUSE IT'S EASIER THAN DEALING WITH OUR FEELINGS! 11. THE ALMOST THERE AWARD HONORING THOSE WHO GOT SO CLOSE TO SUCCESS … YOU COULD PRACTICALLY TASTE IT … RIGHT BEFORE IT SLIPPED AWAY! …IT'S THE INSPIRING TALES OF NEAR-MISSES AND THE ART OF ALMOST ACHIEVING GREATNESS … BECAUSE IN THE GAME OF LIFE … ‘CLOSE ENOUGH’ IS STILL A WIN … RIGHT? LETS TURN UP THE VOLUME NOW … BECAUSE IT'S EASIER THAN DEALING WITH OUR FEELINGS! 12. THE ‘I SHOWED UP’ MEDAL THIS IS FOR THOSE WHO EXCEL AT BEING PRESENT … WHETHER THEY CONTRIBUTED OR NOT! … IT'S THOSE HEARTWARMING STORIES OF PEOPLE WHO MASTERED THE ART OF ATTENDANCE … PROVING THAT SOMETIMES JUST SHOWING UP IS ALL IT TAKES TO EARN A MEDAL… AND MAYBE A DONUT! REMEMBER ... IF WE CAN’T SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS, AT LEAST WE CAN DANCE AROUND THEM WITH THOSE GOLD STAR OF EFFORTS! 13. THE CREATIVE EXCUSE AWARD HONORING THOSE WHO TURN … 'I FORGOT' … INTO A MASTERPIECE FOR HILARIOUS TALES OF OUTLANDISH REASONS FOR MISSING DEADLINES … BECAUSE WHO NEEDS HONESTY WHEN YOU CAN HAVE IMAGINATION? … REMEMBER, IF YOU CAN DREAM IT … YOU CAN EXCUSE IT! KEEP LISTENING BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO IGNORE ADULTING IS WITH A SOLID WASTE AWARD! 14. THE COUCH POTATO ACHIEVEMENT AHH … THOSE WHO’VE PERFECTED THE FINE ART OF BINGE-WATCHING WHILE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! … IT'S THE TALES OF HEROIC LAZINESS, WHERE MARATHON SESSIONS ON THE COUCH ARE THE REAL GOLD MEDALS. … BECAUSE WHY STAND UP WHEN YOU CAN STAY COMFORTABLY SEATED? NOTHING SAYS ‘I’M RESPONSIBLE’ LIKE BLASTING MUSIC WHILE HANDING OUT YOUR GOLD STAR OF EFFORT AWARD! # # #