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Backstage Pass to Trauma Care | Grace, Grit, and Showing Up With Mel · Neighbourly: Real Stories of Care and Community

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  Welcome back to Journey with Care. This is part of our summer speedo series
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  where we slow things down and make space for short, thoughtful conversations
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  that meet you right where you are. Today's episode, again, is hosted by Tim who's
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  part of our trauma care team here at Care Impact. If you've been journeying with
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  us for a while, you've heard Tim's voice before, always steady, always
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  curious. He's joined by Mel, a returning guest and longtime
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  foster parent whose story continues to unfold with grace,
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  grit, and honest reflection. Together, they talk about what it really means
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  to show up with compassion in the day to day when you're tired, when you're
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  learning, and when love asks more for you than what you've planned for. Let's
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  listen in.
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  Alright. Well, Mel, thank you so much for joining us today on the podcast.
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  You're not a stranger to our audience. You've been here before,
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  and you shared some stories. I wonder if today you could
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  start just sharing something that brought you a spark
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  of joy, in this past week. Sure. Thanks for
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  having me back. So we are in Ontario, and it has
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  been, well, quite cold and rainy. And we finally
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  just got some sunshine yesterday, so I am sitting
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  on my porch. I call it the pink room, and this is my space.
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  And, it's been really nice just to sit out here and listen
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  to the sounds of summer coming, so that's been a highlight.
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  So good. I can hear the birds in the background. It's beautiful. Maybe our
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  listeners will be able to, on this episode. We
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  are just taking a quick moment together to hear a
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  story from you. Could you tell us a little bit about what you do and
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  something about your day to day life? So my husband, Chris, and I, we live
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  here, in Ontario, just outside of Ottawa, and we have
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  two teenage daughters. We are a home that opens up
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  to, international students as well as foster children, and we have
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  been doing that for almost twelve years.
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  So we've had lots coming in and out. Teenagers,
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  and and mostly two and under is the age that we foster with.
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  So we've had 13 placements
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  and, currently our home. We have nobody extra right now.
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  And so we are just waiting to see, what's next and who's
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  next and trusting God for that process. My
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  husband is going to school right now to become a high school
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  teacher, so that's been a new shift for us and new journey
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  for us. Mel, that's so beautiful. What a legacy that
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  you've already created over twelve years with so many in and out of your
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  home, different ages and stages, and I can't imagine how much work that
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  gives you and how much joy it gives you as well just to be part
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  of the lives of many different people. You're part of our trauma care training
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  team, so where we're going today in our conversation is not
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  unique to you and I sharing on this. Can you share a little bit
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  about your journey in understanding trauma? What first opened your eyes
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  to going on on this learning journey that you've been on for some time
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  now? Sure. Probably about three years ago
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  now, I attended two conferences. One was for foster and
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  adoptive moms, and one was the Hope Conference
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  that was, telecasted here in Ottawa. Both
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  involved some training and some topics that were kind of
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  new to me, and that really
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  started to pique my interest. And so I had done a few
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  trainings at the conference that I went to, just some little breakout
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  sessions, and had been invited to go to this HOPE conference,
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  which touched on TBRI training. Some of those things
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  were just really new to me in how a way a different way to
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  approach foster care, which was at the forefront of my mind.
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  Although, as I continued to learn, I realized that it plays a role
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  in all of our relationships with our own children, with
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  people in the church, people that we come across in our day to day lives
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  and how we can hold space and treat them. So that was a big
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  piece for me. And because we were in the middle of doing foster
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  care, it really, really was helpful for me,
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  really understanding the effects of trauma, generational
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  trauma, understanding the kids that we have in our home,
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  but also like their parents and their families and a
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  lot of what they had lived through and been through. So it really shifted for
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  me my approach, although maybe on the outside it
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  didn't look too different. The inside was really
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  God changing my heart and and opening my eyes to what
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  was most likely going on and then how I can
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  walk beside these kiddos in our home
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  with more grace and more space. It's beautiful.
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  As a trainer with our training team and having done the training, of
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  course, is there something that's resonated with you
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  from our material that has really
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  practically helped you care well for those who are in your in your
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  home or in your circles? A
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  lot of things. Definitely a lot have are
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  popping up. But I think one of the biggest
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  ones for me that really stands out and that,
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  you know, I try and I try and do and even in my own teenage
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  girls lives is connection before correction
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  and just really taking time to understand
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  the need behind the behavior. You know, something is upsetting somebody or,
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  you know, if we have a toddler and all of a sudden they go from,
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  you know, zero to 60 is not
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  focusing on what happened, but working
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  really hard on on making a connection with them. And, you
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  know, some depending on the age of the kid in your home, sometimes you need
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  to go back later and do a repair or talk through a situation.
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  But nine times out of 10, it's just them
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  needing some connection with you, and they just don't have the language to ask
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  for it. So, you know, I'm thinking of a toddler that we had in our
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  home and, you know, just all of a sudden, we've gone
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  from playing to big explosive behavior.
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  And I think before I would have tried to, like, fix
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  it and, you know, gone around and,
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  you know, try and maybe talk their way through it even though, you know, maybe
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  they're not quite old enough. And now I would just scoop them
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  up and we would just go for a walk and I'd hold them and we
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  would be able to deescalate in in way less time than than I would
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  have maybe had before. So I think that's probably my my
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  biggest takeaway in all of the trainings that I've been through in
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  Saturn is just really making a point of that
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  connection piece and how effective it is. It
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  makes such a difference, doesn't it, to prioritize connection, yet it's so
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  challenging to do. You know, in our
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  training, we really focus on this idea of caring for yourself. Is there a
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  way that you've seen the way that you carry yourself,
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  connect with yourself, care for yourself, shift and change over these years
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  of learning? Yes. In our last eleven
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  years of fostering and and just going through life, you
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  know, in our own family, Definitely had probably had to
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  learn the hard way of what it means to push pause
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  or say no or not right now. Yeah. I definitely did learn that
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  the hard way. And so it's been a journey for me of coming on the
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  other side of learning what what self care actually
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  looks like, what it actually means. I mean, we cover this in our
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  training too, which has been very helpful and it looks so different too for other
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  people. And, you know, some people need different things. I
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  think something that's I'm learning recently is just honoring that
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  it's okay if I need some time to push pause and say
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  no and then come back. And I did learn, like I
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  said, the hard way of when I didn't do that, it came at a
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  cost, not just in my own, but, you know, for the relationships around
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  me. And so that was a big learning thing
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  that I, you know, I mean, we have to learn the things to grow
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  and change, and I think it's been more of a mind shift than
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  anything. It's not necessarily one thing. Although,
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  you know, there are different helpful, having a good support team. I've
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  been blessed to find an amazing counselor and,
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  you know, learning to go for walks and take some of those times.
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  But I think it looks different for everybody. And and sometimes capacity wise,
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  sometimes that shifts. Right? Like, when we have a little person in our
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  home, it's it's gonna look a bit different than when I don't.
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  But knowing that it's important now and that and asking for help also
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  has been a big learning thing for me too. Yeah. So many things can
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  seem so urgent in places where we're caring for those
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  who might be carrying trauma. And at the same
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  time, we need to be our best selves. And so I love that
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  encouragement to press pause. Mhmm. If there was somebody listening who's
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  been thinking about starting a learning journey or continuing a learning
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  journey to understand trauma a little more and how to care well,
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  what would you encourage them? I think one thing is
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  that although my lens is, you know, foster care,
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  I think the lens is is so much bigger. And I and I think
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  when I started this journey of learning, yes, I was looking at it through the
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  foster care lens, but then realizing, okay, there
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  are people in my lives, there are people in my church,
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  there are people that you come across,
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  and trauma has affected a lot of people in more
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  ways than I think we, you know, realized even five years
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  ago. And so for me, I I do feel very
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  strongly that, you know, being trauma informed and understanding
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  how this can play a role in people's lives
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  and in realizing too, like, oh, their
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  behavior is most likely because of something that happened to
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  them, you know, thinking of adults. But, like, something happened in their
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  lives that, has brought them to this point.
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  And, well, first of all, to be able to hold space for that,
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  have some more compassion, more empathy, more understanding,
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  really does shift how we interact with everybody.
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  So I think, although maybe sometimes we
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  think, oh, it's mostly with children or, you know, children that
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  have come into care or adoption, but I think, you know, we're
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  really seeing this need for for a lot of people to
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  understand and be informed, whether you're a teacher or, you
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  know, a leader in a church, pastor
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  working in the public, all those kinds of things. So I
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  it's out there, and I think learning and understanding is
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  really a way that we can dive in and be able to hold
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  space for those that we want to love and want to extend an
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  arm and a hand to because Jesus has asked us to.
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  That's beautiful. Thank you. Yeah. Just your naming that
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  there's so many of us carrying hard things. We need so many of us
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  equipped with compassion and understanding. Thank you so
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  much, Mel, for sharing your story, for sharing yourself, and this
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  encouragement to our listeners. May you have a wonderful summer enjoying that,
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  back porch. Thank you. You too. Thank you
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  for joining us on Journey with Care. To get more information on weekly
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  episodes, upcoming opportunities, or to connect with our
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  community, visit journeywithcare.ca, or find Care Impact
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  links and all the links related to this episode. Share your thoughts,
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  faith and purpose. Together, let's discover how we can make a
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  meaningful impact.