Latest / The Lila Rose Show / E1: Dating in a Modern World

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E1: Dating in a Modern World · The Lila Rose Show

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Hey guys, I am very much looking forward to today's episode
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because it's about something that I spent most of my adult
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life doing and I will never have to do again and that's dating.
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I'm married now, but I dated throughout most of my 20s and
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got married at age 30. So I feel like I have a lot of
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thoughts on the matter on the topic of dating and I'm excited
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to talk about it because I think that one of the sources of a lot
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of confusion, frustration, pain, lack of really success in some
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ways in the our personal life. Disillusionment is
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misunderstandings around dating and the purpose of dating.
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How to date what it's for and really what how to live love in
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our lives. How to find relationships and
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create relationships that are based out of based on love.
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And that's of. Course, you know, especially
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means romantic relationships. And what does a romantic
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relationship even mean? So for today's episode I will be
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talking about 6 principles for dating, 6 things that I think
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are really important to keep in mind when dating for a
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successful dating relationship which will lead to long term
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finding love, building a family and also talk about love.
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What is love? And some thoughts on really the
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big picture of all of this in today's world of today's scene
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of love. I'll be drawing on my personal
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experiences. I'll be sharing just about
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things I've learned over the years and I'll be talking a
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little bit philosophy, theology about what the point of all
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these things are and what love really means.
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So let's dive right in. First of all, there's a lot of
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confusion today about what is love?
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Is love a feeling? You know, people talk about
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falling in and out of love. We hear about the latest
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celebrity relationship to fall apart.
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And people say this was a great divorce because we just weren't
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meant to be together anymore. So now we're happily apart.
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And then they meet somebody else and they pledge themselves to
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that person for life and their wedding vows.
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And then that happens again. And they say, oh, we just
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decided make it a loving choice to leave each other as friends.
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So what is love? Well, at its heart, love is not
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a feeling, although you can definitely have feelings of love
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for someone else. But at its heart, love is a
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desire or a choice that we make. So desire is not always a
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feeling. Sometimes our desire is really
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making a choice of our will. So making an action of our heart
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towards something, even if that something is not feeling good at
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the time or even if it feels inconvenient to us or like a
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sacrifice. So love is when I and feeling
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tired or feeling like I don't want to, you know, worry about
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anybody else. I want to worry about only
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myself. But maybe I draw myself out of
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my own skin and I help make dinner for my husband.
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Or maybe love is when a mother is tired as well and, you know,
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her child needs help and instead of listening to her own
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tiredness, she desires the good for her child.
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So she's going to take care of her child.
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Love can also mean we help somebody who's in need because
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we want the good for them and we go out of our way to help them
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even if it's not convenient for us.
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So love is 2 things. Number one, love is wanting or
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willing the good of the beloved, the good of another person.
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We want it, we will it the good of another person.
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Even to want it is a step towards love, but to take an
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action towards it is even, even even greater action of love.
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And then #2 love is a desire for union with the beloved.
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When we love a child so much, we just want to scoop them up in
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our arms and smother them with kisses.
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That desire to be close to our beloved when when our
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grandparent is sick and suffering and we want to be with
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them, that we want to be close to our beloved.
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When we're dating someone and maybe we feel that as if we're
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falling in love with them, we feel the sense of you wanting to
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be united to them in every way. So love leads us to wanting the
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good of the beloved or willing the good of the beloved, and the
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number 2 desire for union with the beloved.
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And the highest form of love is our love of God, who is the
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author of all love. And God teaches us God willed us
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into life in the in the beginning and he even gave us
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the gift of life and he wants the good for us, which is why he
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wants eternal life with him in heaven.
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And also he wants eternal union with us in heaven.
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So the the deepest form of love or the most intimate form of
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love is to be totally united with the one that we love.
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So these are two important principles to come back to as we
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talk about dating because dating's ultimate purpose is
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eternal love for the other. And that might mean on earth we
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marry them and that's what Our Calling is.
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That's what we choose to do what's what they choose to do.
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Or it might mean we love them so much that we treat them with the
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respect and the care they deserve so that they can marry
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someone else in the the future. Or they might have a different
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path and we are preparing ourselves to be the best we can
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be for when we do meet our future spouse and marry them.
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So we really look at the person not with in the immediate
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moment, what can they do for us? How does this feel to us today?
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But we look at the person in terms of what is best for them
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long term, what is best for us long term and ultimately
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desiring union with the beloved, meaning the one we want to
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marry. Ultimately, that mean that might
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not be the person we're dating. We might discover it's not, or
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at least that the one dating, the one that we're interested
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in, we want them to be eternally happy in heaven forever.
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We don't want them to just die and their body to turn to dust,
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but we want every person to have eternal life and eternal bliss
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in heaven forever. So the ultimate end is for us
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all to be in communion together in heaven.
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That's the ultimate end of everything we do on earth.
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And we hope for that and we pray for that.
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And then that helps govern how we behave towards people here on
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earth. So love, two things, wanting the
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good, willing the good of the other, of the beloved #2 desire
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for union with the beloved. So what's the purpose of dating?
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Well, it's similar to love. We want the good of the other.
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We want their good. And ultimately we want to be
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united with the person we're meant to marry.
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We want to be united with the with the person that we can
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choose and freedom to marry. So when we're dating, we want
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the good for the other person that we're dating, but we also
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acknowledge that they might not be that person we're going to
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marry or we're meant to marry. And so we have to proceed with
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that understanding and that recognition and that that sense
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of responsibility for both them and for ultimately the spouse
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that we hope to have one day. Before I dive into principles
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for dating, I need to include a couple important caveat.
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So first of all, I am a Christian.
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I am a Catholic, and I believe that marriage is not just some
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choice we make to stick it out with somebody for some time on
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earth and maybe have a family if we choose.
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But that marriage is a supernatural reality built on a
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natural reality that God designed.
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So just like God designed you for love, love and me for love,
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and God is love, God also designed marriage as this
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uniting of two people, one man and one woman, to be committed
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to each other for as long as either of them both shall live.
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And to be faithful and to be open to, to love, to be open to
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the children that their love may bring.
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It's really important when we think about dating because if
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you don't know what marriage is, if you don't know the point of
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marriage, if you don't know the, the reality of, of what marriage
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is meant to be, then you're going to have a lot of trouble
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dating. Dating will be really confusing
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because you're not even sure what the point of dating is.
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And if we don't have the understanding that there is a,
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there is marriage, that's the, that's the end game for, for
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romantic love. And it's meant to really bring
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two people into a union with each other.
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Remember, one of the principles of love is we desire for union
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with the beloved. Well that God teaches and, and
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Jesus Christ teaches us that marriage is this melding of two
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souls together and that we are now one flesh.
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That's what God, God designed man and woman to come together
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in marriage in one flesh. And then Christ elevated that
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one flesh to a sacrament which is this affected lived out
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reality of his supernatural grace and his love and it's been
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compared to marriage is a living out of Christ's love for the
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church and you know Christ died for all man humankind.
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Christ died for his church, his bride.
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Similarly, in marriage, you know, we are meant to give
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ourselves for our spouse. We're so united to them and
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sacrifice for them. And and that's why the the
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Christ and, and, and Christianity, Catholicism has
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prohibitions against divorce. You can't just stop loving
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someone and decide I'm going to leave you.
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You are united with them forever as long as you're alive, I
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should say not forever, eternally, but you're united
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with them. You will be united with them
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eternally and all the communion of all the Saints and, and, and
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the angels and God, but on earth, you're united with them
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for as long as you live. And that's a really, really
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important point. I'm actually going to do an
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episode just on marriage because there's so much to get into here
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and it's so rich and beautiful. But that's really important.
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If you're not clear about the point of marriage, it's going to
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be really hard to date. It's really natural we are made
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with this innate desire to be united with another person in
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marriage. That's part of the way we were
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created. But if we don't really take the
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time to think through and learn about marriage, then we're going
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to have trouble dating. And if we have bad examples of
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dating and marriage in our personal life, like let's say
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our parents were divorced. Let's say our parents are
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unfaithful. Our father was unfaithful to her
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mother or mother was, you know, left her father.
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Or let's say that the way they got married was not with
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intention and not before God. Maybe there was just a civil
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marriage and maybe they just did it because they felt they had
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to. Maybe they got pregnant or maybe
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they, you know, it was just a matter of convenience or what
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everybody else was doing. Whatever the reasons were, maybe
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we have bad models of marriage. So that's why it's really
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important to take the time to take inventory of our own
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understanding of marriage and to take the time to to really focus
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our mind on the. Beauty and the good and what
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marriage is supposed to be. The truth of marriage that will
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help prepare us for dating. OK, but let's dive into dating.
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So with that as the background that marriage is meant to be
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this faithful, fruitful, lifelong union between a man and
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a woman before God. It's both natural and
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supernatural. Let's look at what dating is
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then number one my first principle for dating is keep
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your focus on the purpose. Keep your focus on the purpose
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kind of goes back to what I just said if we.
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Are not dating with purpose our dating is going to go nuts on
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us, meaning we're going to be unsatisfied with our dating our
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dating is going to cause more probably more problems for us
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than positives and. We're just going to be confused
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and the person we're dating will probably be confused too.
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If we're dating and we're just hanging out with people, we're
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just doing it for fun. It's just kind of like a
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pastime. Maybe we're doing it to deal
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with our loan, our own sense of loneliness.
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Maybe we're dating to just kind of like, you know.
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It up a little bit or we're dating 'cause we just feel so
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unhappy with ourselves. As a way to kind of discover
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self esteem is to feel like somebody else who wants us or
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loves us. All of these things are not
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going to be satisfied in the end, and they're certainly not
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going to set us up for a successful marriage.
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We have to keep our focus on the purpose of dating.
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What is the purpose of dating? The purpose of dating is to get
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to know another person and to discern with them, to discover
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with them if they are a person, the person that we would choose,
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that we will choose to marry. That is the purpose of dating.
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There is no other purpose. Yes, there are other advantages
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to dating. Like you just build friendships,
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like you learn more about yourself.
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You learn more about the other person like you, have beautiful
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experiences like you, you know, you just grow as a person.
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Those are all wonderful things and those will happen innately
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or those will happen for sure. If you're also doing dating with
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purpose, those are great advantages on the side.
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But the purpose of dating is to discover with another person, to
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discern with another person if you are called to marry them, if
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you are going to make the choice to marry them, that is the
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purpose of dating. So keep your mind on that
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purpose. That will then lead you to be
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intentional about how and who you date.
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If you're a guy, it means you're going to look at women, and I'm
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going to get to this in a few few minutes as another
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principle, but you'll look at women who share your values that
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you know are women that you could marry, that would make
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good wives and mothers to your children.
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And that means you're going to be intentional about when you
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ask them out. You're not going to leave them
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confused and guessing about what your intentions are.
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Or when you want to get to know them, you'll want you'll say, I
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want to, I want to get to know you because you know I'm
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interested in you. And and it'll be clear that this
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is not just you wanting to hang out with them as a friend, but
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that you're interested in getting to know them.
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At a deeper level, friendship of course, can be very deep, but
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meaning you're interested to get to know them as a friend to
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potentially, you know, be with lifelong.
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If you guys discern that and discover that, and if you're a
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woman, it means you're not going to, you know, have a lot of
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patience for the players, you know, for the people that are
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the guys that are just screwing around and wasting your time.
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You're going to be picky and say if you are just wanting to hang
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out with me or God forbid, you just want to like, you know, be
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sexual with me and not really care about my soul and care
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about potential marriage one day, then you're off the list.
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I'm not going to respond to your texts or calls or, you know,
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Instagram direct messages or whatever ways men try to reach
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out to us today. Or, you know, I'm not going to
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be on Tinder because the guys on Tinder kind of stink.
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You know, they're not guys that are serious about dating or
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marriage. So forget you guys.
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I'm not going to waste my time and lower myself.
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So number one is keep your focus on the purpose for dating.
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Keep your focus on the purpose. What's the purpose?
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Discerning and discovering with another person if you're meant
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to marry, if you're meant to be with them lifelong.
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OK #2 kind of related to what I just said, but another important
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aspect is realize your responsibility to yourself and
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to that other person. Realize your responsibility.
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What do I mean? Listen, people are precious.
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People are eternal souls. People are made in God's image
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and likeness. And guess what?
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Every single person out there is your brother or your sister
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before God. Now, not your brother or your
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sister in the biological sense, in the natural sense.
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Like, you know, that would be weird because you're going to be
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dating them and potentially marrying them, but they are
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your, your heavenly brother or sister.
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That means that they were created to one day potentially
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if they choose it, and if they're willing to accept
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Christ's love and and redemption to be in heaven with you
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forever. So how you treat people is so
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important in dating. That means a couple things.
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First of all, keep in mind that the person you're dating, if
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they're not your future spouse, they're probably somebody else's
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future spouse. So that means how you treat them
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emotionally and physically is a way how you're treating somebody
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else's future husband or wife. And similarly, the way that
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you're letting yourself be treated emotionally or
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physically is how you are as somebody elses future spouse
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being treated emotionally or physically.
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So that means you're not going to be having sex with or doing
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sexual things with someone you're not married to.
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I mean, as a Christian, as a Catholic, it's very clear that
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sexuality are, are full of sexual expression is the heart
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of our intimacy with our spouse. I mean, it's a, it's a in the
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Catholic tradition, it's a sacrament.
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I mean, sex with your spouse is a sacrament.
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It is an actual sign of Christ's love for the church to the point
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of death. I mean, it's giving up your life
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for the other, giving your body fully to the other and receiving
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their body fully. That's not something you do with
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just some dude you're dating or some chick you're dating.
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That's not somebody, something you do with somebody you find on
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Tinder. That is a holy thing.
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That's a beautiful, natural thing.
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It's a holy thing and the pleasure associated with it is
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something you're meant to share with one person lifelong.
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This doesn't mean that if you've made mistakes or you've, you
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know, had sex with other people in your past, that you're a
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failure and a screw up and you can never make it right.
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Of course not. If you have been sexual in past
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dating relationships, you can change that for the future,
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period, full stop. If you're Catholic, you should
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go to confession and confess that because sex before
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marriage, any sexual act, so basically extending sexual
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arousal on purpose with another person, that is a mortal sin.
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So that means we go to confession, we tell God that we
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be reunited with God. If you're a Christian
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evangelical, listen to this. You do the same thing as far as
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you you confess it to your Father in heaven and you ask for
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forgiveness because that's not the way that he designed our
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bodies and our relationships to be just having sex with whomever
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in dating. He designed it for marriage.
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And that's a beautiful, beautiful thing and a beautiful
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gift. So realize your responsibility
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to the purse, the other person, and to yourself.
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That both is in our sexual treatment of the person and our
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sexual ethics. And it doesn't mean that sex is.
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Bad or or. Gross.
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It's actually sex is so amazing and so good that it's specially
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reserved for that one person lifelong that we trust, that
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we've chosen, that we've given ourselves to before.
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God, that's how amazing sex is. The other flip side of this is
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not just sex, but it's also the way that we think and feel about
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the person. So it's our emotional purity or
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chastity. These words are often
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misunderstood in today's culture, but they have to do
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with treating the other person with the respect that they
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deserve. And seeing them as the gift that
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they are from God, as we see ourselves as a gift, our bodies,
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our hearts, and our souls. And this idea of emotional
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purity or emotional responsibility means that we are
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not, you know, using this person as an object for our emotional
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fantasies. Just like we shouldn't use a
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person we're dating as an object for our physical fantasies to be
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played out, but we're not using this person as an object for our
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emotional fantasies. That means we have it under
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control, you know, and we check ourselves if we're going crazy.
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If you're a lady, this can be especially important.
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Maybe you're dating a guy and you're like, Oh my gosh, she
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makes such a great husband and such a great father.
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And I can't wait till just get married to him.
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And, you know, I just, is he the one?
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Is he the one? Well, listen, you don't know yet
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because you just started dating him, So take time to get to know
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him for him instead of him as a fulfillment of your fantasies or
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your deepest. You know these deep longings
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that you've had. Take time to get to know him for
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him. Don't just make him an object of
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your fantasy. Make him a person in reality
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that you choose to get to know love as he deserves, respect as
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he deserves, and get to know. And and if you're a dude, if
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you're a guy, get to know her. Don't just look at her as an
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object for your fantasies or for your emotional satisfaction of
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having a beautiful woman on your arm or a cute girl that likes
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you. Get to know her for her, because
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part of loving someone is getting to know them and
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accepting them for all that they are.
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And if you're going to marry someone, if you're going to date
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with intention towards marriage and choose someone in marriage,
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you're accepting all of them, the good and the bad.
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And so your job in dating is to discover as much of them as you
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can. And that means not them
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sexually. That means not them.
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You know how they make you feel with romantic things that they
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say, romantic things you guys do.
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But that means them in daily life.
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That means that means the UPS and the downs.
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That means their hurts and their fears.
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That means their hopes and their joys.
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That means the daily things that make up a human life.
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That is what you are learning about.
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So realize your responsibility to yourself and to the other
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person. Keep in mind your future spouse.
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This is somebody else's future spouse, future wife or husband.
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And I am somebody's future wife or husband.
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So how I behave with this person should be in a way that if I end
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up marrying somebody else, I can meet this person on the street.
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And yeah, it might be awkward for a second, but I'm not
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feeling all this guilt or weird feelings for the things I did or
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with this person because they were inappropriate.
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That's a great rule of thumb for for how to treat the person
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you're dating. And again, one more time, if
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you've made mistakes, if you've screwed up, most of us have.
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Almost all of us have. All of us have in one way or
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another. Then it's in your past, resolved
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to do better. Get an accountability partner.
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If you need somebody that you're accountable to, a spiritual
20:23
director, a mentor, a friend to keep your responsibility, your
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purity or chastity in order when you're dating.
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It's a struggle in today's world.
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Today's world's hyper sexualized.
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All these ideas of romantic love are very twisted often.
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So have the help you need to do this well to realize your
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responsibility to yourself and to the other person.
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OK #3 Don't be afraid to break up.
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Don't be afraid to break up. This one, I realize is really
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hard for people and it's been hard for me and even in my
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dating experience, because when you're dating somebody, you are,
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you know, getting to know them. Maybe you go exclusive and
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you're really discerning, you know, is this a person I could
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marry? You're really getting to know
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them and you, you know, you're, you're getting to really like
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them a lot. You, you feel like you might
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even love them or you, you know, you obviously love them in the,
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in the Christian sense, but you're, you know, feeling all
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this romantic love towards them and you are just getting to
21:21
their family maybe. And anyways, it's also nice not
21:24
to be alone, not to be single. You have a, you have a boyfriend
21:27
or a girlfriend, but you kind of are feeling like this is not
21:30
right. You know, you have the sense
21:31
things are starting to emerge that this is just not the right
21:34
person for me. And I'll talk in a minute about
21:37
some of that understanding to discover how whether or not a
21:41
person is right for you. But nonetheless, you're in a
21:44
situation where you just have a sense this is not the right
21:46
person. You were thinking about it, you
21:47
realize a lot of things, you guys, your differences, your
21:50
values aren't, you know, maybe there's certain values or
21:53
certain vision you have for your life or the person just is not
21:56
the right fit. There's all different reasons.
22:00
So don't be afraid to break up. I think a lot of the times are
22:02
so terrified of being single, we're so afraid of just having
22:06
to start over again that we don't want to break up.
22:08
Well, it's, it can be really hard, yes.
22:10
But if you're doing, if you've done a good job about realizing
22:13
your responsibility, so keeping emotional physical chastity, and
22:16
if you're focused on the purpose of dating, which is marriage,
22:19
then that will help give you the courage to do what's right and
22:23
to break up when it's when it is the right time to break up.
22:25
So don't be afraid to break up. Every break up, every closed
22:28
door is opening the door door to something else.
22:31
And keep in mind it's it's you know, when you're dating someone
22:35
exclusively, it's really hard to see or meet other people, you
22:38
know, so your future spouse might be waiting for you right
22:41
around the corner, but you're too busy dating somebody that
22:43
you don't even want to be dating that you're not able to meet
22:46
them. So do not be afraid to break up.
22:49
It's hard, but like anything in life, hard things can bring good
22:52
things like going to the gym and working out, or taking a cold
22:56
shower in the morning to wake yourself up, or eating healthy,
22:58
or any of the things that are hard to do sometimes but can be
23:01
really good for you. Don't be afraid to break up #4
23:05
pay attention to red flags. Keep in mind, only you can
23:10
change you. You cannot change another
23:12
person. The only person you have the
23:14
power to change is yourself. You do not have the power to
23:16
change another person. Don't convince yourself that you
23:19
can't. If you are dating someone and
23:21
they have some addiction, maybe they have a sex addiction.
23:24
You discover they are looking at porn regularly.
23:27
Maybe they are a person who is just out of control with the way
23:32
they approach finances, or they have no respect for elderly
23:35
people. Or maybe they are they have some
23:38
sort of, you know, addiction or vice that is interfering with
23:44
their daily life. That may be a red flag and a
23:46
reason to break up. And I would go as far as saying
23:48
if they do have a sexual addiction, you should absolutely
23:51
break up with them. And I define sexual addiction as
23:53
somebody who is regularly looking at porn or masturbating
23:58
or doing something that you would not want them to be doing
24:00
as your future spouse. And do not think that getting
24:03
married to them is going to make them change, because it won't.
24:06
Getting married to them is going to make them the same person now
24:08
married to you. So what you, what you do in
24:12
dating and how they behave in dating is how they're going to
24:14
be in marriage. And actually, they might even be
24:16
worse than marriage because they're not on their best
24:18
behavior. Now, as a Catholic, as a
24:20
Christian, I believe that marriage does give you
24:23
Sacramento graces to improve as a person from God.
24:26
Those are special graces that are given to married people.
24:28
But those graces are building on positive choices to do the right
24:31
thing. If the person is stuck in sin
24:33
and stuck in an addiction, then that's going to be really hard
24:37
to receive those graces. So if they have an addiction,
24:40
especially a sexual addiction, I would say break up with them,
24:42
encourage them to get the help they need.
24:43
And if they do and they heal, maybe when the future you can
24:45
always date them again. But it's unlikely.
24:48
But the point is, do not, do not stay around with a red flag.
24:54
Do not hang around a red flag for too long.
24:56
Pay attention to red flags and like #3 don't be afraid to break
25:01
up. So that's really important.
25:02
I think in our society today, we really lower our standards
25:06
because we're afraid we're not going to meet another person.
25:08
I think sometimes we stick it out with somebody that we
25:11
shouldn't be sticking it out with because we are afraid that,
25:14
you know, we'll be alone and we won't find somebody else.
25:17
Don't be afraid. God created marriage.
25:19
God created you, God can can create the spouse for you.
25:23
So do not be afraid to do the hard thing and to break up.
25:27
Keep in mind that God is with you.
25:29
God will protect you. And this sometimes is the most
25:32
loving thing you can do, not just for yourself and your
25:34
future spouse, but for the person you're dating.
25:37
Because if you're, you know, dating a sex addict, for
25:39
example, that's not necessarily good for them.
25:42
You know that they're, they're going to be, they're effectively
25:45
being enabled by you dating them because, you know, you're not
25:48
taking it seriously enough to break up.
25:50
And so they're just kind of continuing their addiction.
25:52
And maybe you flatter yourself, oh, I can help them.
25:54
I can maybe help them stop their sex addiction.
25:56
No, they have to help themselves.
25:58
You cannot stop somebody else's addiction.
26:00
It is up to them. So I really am focusing right
26:03
now on sex addictions just because it is a huge, huge
26:07
problem out there. Most people do not talk about
26:09
this enough, but there are so many people struggling with
26:11
addiction today. And that's because most people,
26:14
especially young men are exposed to porn when they are like
26:16
little kids, basically when they are young teens, even before
26:20
puberty. And so porn is everywhere.
26:22
Sex is everywhere. You turn on HBO, even watching
26:24
Netflix and there's like sex scenes.
26:25
It's everywhere. And so it's really easy to form
26:28
a sex addiction in today's culture.
26:30
I feel really bad for people who struggle with this.
26:32
I've known people who struggle with this.
26:34
When you are struggling with a sex addiction, that is not the
26:37
time to date and marry. It's a time to work on freedom
26:41
from that addiction so that you are prepared to be able to date
26:44
someone and marry someone. So if you are dating someone who
26:47
has a sex addiction, do them the favor and the loving thing by
26:50
stopping to date them and encouraging them to get the help
26:53
that they need respectfully. And if you are somebody
26:56
struggling with a sex addiction, I encourage you.
26:58
There are people and and resources out there that want to
27:01
help you that are there and to help you.
27:04
And I can link some of those in the talk description for this
27:08
dating episode. But I really encourage you to
27:10
get the help that you need so that you are prepared to date
27:13
and you are able to be in the position to date and eventually
27:16
marry. OK, so that was the number four.
27:18
Pay attention to red flags #5 So I realize this might be a little
27:23
out of order because I could have said #5 as number, you
27:26
know, 3. Because what I'm about to say is
27:28
really the the foundation for being courageous enough to not
27:34
to break up or being able to pay attention to red flags and #5 is
27:39
pay attention is not pay attention #5 is the shared
27:42
values and vision #5 is shared values and vision are essential.
27:48
So shared values and vision are essential.
27:50
You need to be with somebody when you date.
27:53
And sometimes we don't know this.
27:54
When we start dating someone, we think they have shared values.
27:56
We think their vision is the same.
27:58
But once we start to date them, we realize not, not the case.
28:01
So you know, you don't always know.
28:04
And that's of course the point of dating is to discover and get
28:06
to know somebody. But shared values and vision.
28:09
So you want to date somebody who, first of all, believes the
28:12
same things about marriage. So they're not somebody who's
28:15
going to get divorced if they feel that they've fallen out of
28:18
love. They're not somebody who's going
28:20
to say, oh, I don't want any kids when we get married.
28:22
You know, I, I'm just going to, I just want to get sterilized or
28:24
contraception. I don't want to have kids.
28:26
Not having kids when you're married on purpose is not true
28:29
marriage. That's just not true marriage.
28:31
That's just like shaking up with a nice marriage certificate.
28:36
That's what it is, the purpose of marriage, part of the purpose
28:38
of marriage, and it's a blessing to have kids.
28:40
Some people aren't capable of having kids.
28:43
You know, they struggle with infertility.
28:45
That doesn't mean that you are not living out marriage, but
28:49
with the point of marriage is one of the core essentials of
28:51
marriage is to be open to life, to be open to it.
28:56
That doesn't mean we're promised it when we get married and we
28:58
might struggle with infertility or not be able to have kids, but
29:01
to be open to life. So shared values and vision.
29:04
If your person you're dating is not open to life, if they are
29:09
not careful and, and, and if they're not interested in faith
29:13
and growing in faith, if they're not honest and hard working and
29:17
willing to grow in virtue, if they don't have shared values
29:20
and a core part of our shared value is a shared faith, then
29:23
this is not a good person to yoke yourself to for the rest of
29:27
your life and to unite yourself to physically, mentally, and in
29:31
every other spiritually and to have kids with.
29:33
I mean, sounds kind of obvious, but it's amazing how we have to
29:36
say it because I think there's so much confusion around dating
29:38
today. So shared values and vision is
29:41
really, really important. Vision.
29:43
What do I mean by vision? It's really important because
29:46
God, I think gives each of us a call within our call.
29:49
So, you know, I think if you're listening to this, you probably
29:51
feel called to get married, but you're also called within your
29:55
marriage to maybe do other things.
29:57
Maybe you feel called to, you know, maybe you feel like
30:00
you're, you're a dentist and you really feel called to just, you
30:03
know, be an awesome dentist in Chicago or something.
30:06
And that's kind of what you're doing right now.
30:07
Well, if you're going to marry somebody and they hate you,
30:10
being a dentist is kind of a maybe a dumb example, but they
30:13
really can't stand your passion for dentistry.
30:17
That doesn't mean they have to love going to the dentist, but
30:20
the point is like, if they really hate your job and you
30:23
love your job and you feel called to it, or they really,
30:26
you know, you, you want to work with the elderly and you love
30:28
the elderly, but they can't stand it.
30:30
Or there's some very serious divergent difference between the
30:35
vision of the way you see yourself living out a life of
30:37
love and your family versus their vision.
30:40
That's something to pay attention to that might not be a
30:42
shared foundation upon which you can build a successful marriage.
30:45
So those are the things to talk about when you're dating.
30:47
Maybe the person you're dating wants to drop the kids off at
30:50
daycare and they want you to have, you know, you're a woman
30:52
and they want you to have a full time job and they are going to
30:55
have a full time job. And maybe that's never what you
30:56
envisioned. You want to be able to be a stay
30:58
at home mom. Maybe you work part time, but
31:01
that's something really important to you.
31:02
That's something to just discussed.
31:03
That's an important idea, important part of your future
31:06
vision for your life. So it's not just values.
31:09
I mean, values and vision of course, are very interconnected.
31:12
But it's not just, oh, they're Catholic, I'm Catholic, they're
31:14
Christian, I'm Christian. You know, they, they want to be
31:17
a good Christian. I want to be a Christian.
31:18
But it's really unpacking. What does that mean?
31:21
What do I envision my future life to be?
31:23
Why do I envision it that way? And having those discussions,
31:26
discussions with the other person.
31:28
So to kind of back up a step, you know, I think it's essential
31:31
that you have shared attraction. I don't think you should be
31:34
dating someone that you do not feel any attraction towards.
31:37
That's an essential part of a foundation.
31:39
But then that you have shared values and vision.
31:42
You have a shared faith and you have shared values and vision
31:45
for how you want to live your life, how you want to grow as a
31:48
person and how you want your future family to be.
31:50
The other stuff, like we love the same TV shows or we both
31:53
love to, you know, we both love chocolate ice cream or, you
31:57
know, we both love skiing, you know, all those sorts of things.
32:00
Those are nice too. Those can be like, you know,
32:02
icing on top. But those are not the most
32:04
important things because you're not going to spend your whole
32:06
life skiing every week. You're not going to spend your
32:08
whole life, you know, eating ice cream every day.
32:11
I mean, maybe you will, but even if you do, it's OK to have
32:14
different flavors in the house. You know, my point here is the
32:17
key is it's about the shared foundation of values and vision
32:21
because the other stuff and you know, the other stuff can
32:23
change. Today you might really love to
32:26
go to the roller roller skating rink.
32:30
Does anybody do that anymore? I don't know if anybody goes
32:32
really skating anymore. I'm sure some people do.
32:33
But maybe today you really love to go bowling.
32:36
It's like your favorite pastime, your favorite hobby.
32:39
Well, in 10 years you might not like going bowling.
32:41
So that should not be the deal breaker for the person you date.
32:44
Or maybe you just like, you know, you always wanted the
32:48
other person to be like maybe like a 10 on the attractive
32:51
scale. You're like, I just want to date
32:52
A10. Well, first of all, are you a
32:54
10? I mean, I think before God,
32:56
we're all 10s. But you know, if you're, if
32:58
you're decision making for dating as they have to be just
33:01
so incredibly gorgeous. That is the most important
33:04
thing. Sorry, it's not because first of
33:05
all, they might get in in a car accident while you're while
33:08
you're married to them and they might be disfigured and you're
33:11
going to still love them and you're going to still value them
33:13
and they're going to still love them for the rest of your life.
33:16
And you know, looks are not the most important thing.
33:19
You need to be attracted to them.
33:20
I think that's essential. But it's really about what are
33:22
your priorities, you know, and the priorities should be your
33:24
values and then the vision. And that that means the big
33:27
picture vision for your future life, not the not the little
33:30
stuff that can be compromised, but the big picture stuff, it's
33:33
never going to be perfect. There is no such thing as a
33:36
perfect person out there. They don't exist.
33:38
You're not perfect. They're not perfect.
33:40
We're called to strive to be perfect together.
33:43
And being together in marriage is how we grow in perfection.
33:45
So don't look for perfect. Look for shared values and
33:49
shared vision. OK, Last principle for dating.
33:53
The last principle for dating is strong singles make strong
33:59
couples. Strong singles make strong
34:02
couples. If you are a strong single, you
34:06
are going to make a wonderfully strong marriage.
34:09
OK, provided you work on also marrying someone you're equally
34:14
yoked with. This idea in the Bible of being
34:16
equally yoked with your future spouse, somebody who is also
34:20
strong like you, strong in their faith, strong in virtue, you
34:23
know, strong in the things that you're working on as well.
34:25
So what does this mean? It means that how you are as a
34:29
single person is going to be how you are as a dating and a
34:32
married person. So if you're not dating right
34:35
now, or if you are but you're not married yet, work on who you
34:38
are today. That's one of the best gifts you
34:41
can give yourself, the future you.
34:43
That's one of the best gifts you can give your future spouse.
34:45
And it's one of the best gifts you can give your future kids,
34:47
Lord willing, you have them is to work on being the best person
34:50
you can be today. That means #1 in your habits,
34:56
this is your physical habits, how you take care of your body.
35:00
This is your work habits, how you approach your job or your
35:03
career. This is your relationship
35:05
habits, how you treat your family and your friends.
35:08
This is your faith habits, how you approach the Creator and the
35:11
Lover of your soul, God, the Trinity, Jesus, and the Holy
35:14
Spirit. How you, how you worship God,
35:16
how you try to follow and obey God, how you grow as in a
35:20
disciple, as a Christian. So these habits that you're
35:23
building as a single person are essential to be a successful,
35:28
not just dater, but ultimately married person, which is what
35:31
we're going, we're going for what we're hoping for.
35:33
You need to work and being the best you can be as a single
35:36
person. God has given you this time in
35:39
your life when you're single for you to grow.
35:41
This is not wasted time. It's not that, oh, my life
35:44
hasn't started yet because I'm not in a relationship.
35:46
No, no, no, your life has started today.
35:48
Your life today matters. Your life today is a gift.
35:52
And today God has things he wants to teach you.
35:55
He wants to give you graces and inspirations.
35:58
He wants to give you ways that he wants to help you grow.
36:02
That's the amazing love of God. So today as a single person, and
36:05
also I always say this, you're not promised tomorrow.
36:09
I'm not promised tomorrow. You might not be here tomorrow,
36:12
I might not be here tomorrow. We might be dead.
36:14
You know, we're not promised to be alive tomorrow.
36:16
Something might happen, we might die.
36:17
So what you do today matters as a single person and how you grow
36:22
today matters and some of the basic tips.
36:24
And this will be another episode I'll I'll have about how we can
36:27
just grow as a person in our daily life with healthy habits.
36:30
But this is about, you know, our mental health.
36:33
Are we taking care of it? Do we have wounds or traumas
36:36
from our past that we can go to therapy for our counseling for
36:38
our spiritual life? Do we have a good spiritual life
36:41
in the sense that we are striving to grow and get closer
36:44
to God? You know, it's never going to be
36:46
good enough because the point of Christian life is to try to
36:49
become perfect as Christ is perfect.
36:51
That's how demanding our Lord is.
36:53
He says be perfect as I am perfect.
36:55
I mean, that's a big command from Jesus, but the only way we
36:58
can do it is through the narrow gate, the narrow way of humility
37:02
by really opening ourselves up totally to God and just being
37:04
here I am. Do with me what you will.
37:06
And being willing to take that time to pray every day.
37:10
Being willing if you're a Catholic, to go to Mass.
37:12
I try to go daily or at least multiple times throughout the
37:14
week to receive the Eucharist. Going to confession, really
37:17
having accountability, having a spiritual director or a mentor,
37:20
someone that you check in with weekly or at least every month
37:23
to see how your progress is. You know, studying the Bible,
37:26
studying, putting the teachings of Christ in his church, I mean,
37:28
these are essential ways to grow in our faith.
37:31
And it's a matter of just putting these things into
37:33
practice and doing them even when it's tough.
37:35
And similarly with our physical health, you know, taking time to
37:38
even just go on a walk or go on on a workout and making sure we
37:42
eat healthy meals. You're not just eating Doritos
37:44
all day. You know, if you're eating
37:45
Doritos all day, it's right now, it's going to be really hard to
37:48
suddenly change that habit when you're dating this amazing
37:51
person and not just me stuffing your mouth with Doritos around
37:54
them or when you're like a parent and you're like having
37:57
Doritos for lunch and your baby is like, you know, Mount
38:00
nourished. I mean, it's probably not going
38:03
to work like that. But the point is what you do
38:04
today is a habit that you're creating for tomorrow.
38:08
So be healthy today, both physically work on your mental
38:11
health and then of course, work on getting closer to God and and
38:14
growing in your faith. Because our our Lord, he will
38:17
always give us enough grace. He's there with the graces.
38:20
He's there with the, with the inspiration, with the mercy,
38:23
with the, the, the things he wants to teach us.
38:25
We just have to open ourselves up to him and take the time to
38:28
spend time with God. That is so essential.
38:33
So strong singles make strong couples to be good at dating and
38:38
eventually at marriage. We have to be good, yes, at
38:41
being single. And part of this too, you know,
38:43
is, is to remember, look, our identity is not in whether or
38:48
not we're in a relationship right now.
38:50
Our identity is in, guess what, God, our identity is in the fact
38:55
that we are daughters and sons of God.
38:59
That's a big deal. Think about that for a minute.
39:01
Daughters and sons of God. God is bigger than we can
39:05
imagine. He's he's, he's all powerful,
39:08
he's all good. He's bigger than all the
39:10
galaxies combined. You know, he, he the whole
39:13
world. He created.
39:14
He created every star, He created every grain of sand,
39:18
every leaf. I went hiking with Joe last
39:21
weekend and it was amazing looking at the trees and all the
39:23
little plants along the trail. God made every single one.
39:26
That's how big God is. But then God is also infinitely
39:31
intimate. I mean, he came into the world
39:32
as Jesus as a baby to be held and kissed by Mary and Joseph
39:36
and anybody who came by he, he gave himself as a as a man,
39:40
fully, fully man, fully human as much as fully God to be dying a
39:45
cross. That's how it naked on a cross,
39:47
totally naked on a cross. That's how how much he loved us
39:50
to die for our sins. And that's how intimate he is
39:52
with us, that he's just completely giving himself as a
39:55
physical, you know, as a human in his complete bodily humanity.
40:00
And at the same time, all powerful, all, all you know, all
40:04
immense God, eternal God. So get to know God.
40:08
That's your identity. You're a son and you're a
40:11
daughter or you're a daughter of God.
40:12
That's huge. And that's, that's if you know
40:15
that if you're rooted in that, if you're, your experience of
40:19
life is through that lens of God, your father, then dating
40:24
and marriage are going to be transformed.
40:26
And guess what? You're going to help other
40:29
people that you date and the person you're marry get closer
40:32
to God as well because you're living that.
40:34
So that is at the heart, the point of I think everything is
40:39
to be rooted in our identity as sons and daughters of God.
40:45
So strong singles make strong couples.
40:47
Your strongness as a single person, rooted in your identity
40:51
as a daughter or son of God, is going to ultimately lead you to
40:54
successful dating and to being part of a strong couple.
40:59
So 6 points went through them. Keep your focus on the purpose.
41:02
Realize your responsibility. Don't be afraid to break up.
41:06
Pay attention to red flags. Shared values and vision, faith
41:09
are essential. And strong singles make strong
41:13
couples. I'm closing on to share one
41:15
other thought, The end. For all of this, for dating, for
41:20
friendship, for any of our human relationships, for marriage.
41:24
The end is eternity. That's the point.
41:27
The end goal is for us to get to heaven with, to be with God
41:32
forever and to have all others be in heaven with us.
41:35
That that's what God desires for all humankind if we're willing
41:38
to accept him and accept his grace, and that's what he wants
41:42
for us. So that really will transform
41:44
the way we think about our families, our relationships with
41:47
friends, our parents, siblings, and of course, people were
41:50
dating. Is that the end?
41:52
You know, if we're dating, the end is not just to marry them or
41:54
not. The end is to be an eternity
41:56
with them forever. And you know, maybe on earth it
41:59
won't wake up work out, or maybe, you know, maybe
42:02
unfortunately somebody will break up with us that we wanted
42:04
to be with or we thought we wanted to be with.
42:06
But the point is the end is eternity.
42:08
The goal is eternity. The goal is for them to be
42:11
holier and better people because of the way we treated them with
42:14
respect and with. Love and for us to be.
42:17
Be holier and better people on our journey on this earth
42:20
towards heaven. That is the end game for all of
42:23
us. And I hope to see all of you
42:25
there. Lord willing.
42:27
I'm working out my salvation with fear and trembling just
42:31
like you. But I have confidence and trust
42:33
in the saving power of Christ. And yeah, I'm excited.
42:36
I'm excited for anyone listening that we're going to have
42:38
eternity together. And you know, Lord willing and
42:42
by his grace. And what a what a fantastic,
42:44
amazing gift that we've been all been given.
42:47
So yeah, thanks all for listening.
42:48
I'm going to head to a dentist appointment now, but it's been
42:52
great getting to talk to you about dating.
42:54
And I'm sure I'll do other episodes that tackle related
42:56
topics. But yeah, thanks all for joining
42:58
and have a great rest of the day.
43:02
As always, I love hearing from you guys.
43:05
If anybody has any thoughts or questions or feedback for me for
43:10
this topic of persecution for this episode, I would love to
43:13
hear from you. You can e-mail me at
43:16
thoughts@lilaroshow.com. That's thoughts at
43:19
lilaroshow.com. If you found this podcast
43:22
helpful, useful, interesting, please give it five stars.
43:27
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