Latest / The Virtual Couch / Yes, We're Talking New Year’s Resolutions (and Goals, and Kale) – But Stick with Me, It's Not What You Think!

Transcript

Yes, We're Talking New Year’s Resolutions (and Goals, and Kale) – But Stick with Me, It's Not What You Think! · The Virtual Couch

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So have you ever set a goal to be a super fit, kale smoothie loving,
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sunrise jogging person, only to find yourself binge watching shows with a bag
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of chips somewhere by week two of the new year?
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But what if I told you that there is a way to set goals that won't make your
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couch miss you so much, might actually make you happier.
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Sorry though, kale is still going to taste like kale, which is kind of like dirt.
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Or do you set new year's resolutions with the same enthusiasm as choosing a
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dentist for a root canal.
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But what if there is a way to pick goals that you don't feel like you're punishing
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yourself for something that you didn't even do?
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Or have you ever chased a goal like it is the last bus of the night only to
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catch it and realize it's absolutely going in the wrong direction?
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What if I told you that the secret to fulfilling goals is not just in the chasing,
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but in chatting with your thoughts and feelings along the way,
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and not in a way that will eventually see you in a padded room.
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We're talking about more like discovering and making friends with your internal
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GPS that actually has legit updated maps of all the streets of where you're
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going to get and actually tells you where the in and outs are ahead of you and not behind you.
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So if any of these things resonate with you, then I really do think that you're
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going to appreciate today's episode more than you can even imagine.
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And I'm even going to use what might be my very last cliche card of 2023.
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Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. These things and so much
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more coming up on today's episode of The Virtual Couch.
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Music.
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Hey everybody, welcome to episode 407, possibly the last Virtual Couch episode of the year.
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I am your host, Tony Overbay, a licensed marriage and family therapist,
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certified Mindful Habit Coach, and host of this podcast, The Virtual Couch,
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as well as Waking Up to Narcissism, and a plethora of others,
2:04
including Love ADHD with my friend Julie Lee,
2:07
Murder on the Couch, The Mind, the Mirror, and Me, both of those hosted with
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my daughters, Sydney and Mackie, respectively.
2:12
I would love for you to check all of those podcasts out. And as a matter of
2:15
fact, Sydney and I have been doing some relationship lives over on TikTok and
2:20
those are picking up some steam and we'll bring those over into the world of
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Instagram live very soon.
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So follow me on social media at virtual couch if you're a TikTok person and
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at Tony Overbay underscore LMFT or at WUTN pod over on Instagram.
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That's for waking up to narcissism podcast as well.
2:39
I'm really enjoying doing those, especially with my daughter there.
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And she is, in essence, throwing out the take of the kids these days.
2:46
There I am sounding like the old man again. The Magnetic Marriage Course is
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amazing. I'm super excited about it. There is so much work that has gone into this.
2:54
It's at a much lower price than it was before. If you haven't already,
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sign up for my newsletter and you will know the second that it drops, which is any minute now.
3:03
So in 2024, improve your marriage. Also, The Path Back, my online pornography
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recovery course. Reach out to me if you want a coupon code and I will give it
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to you because it is changing lives as well.
3:14
And I have a new men's group starting on the waking up the narcissism side where
3:18
people that are waking up to their own emotional immaturity or maybe the immaturity
3:21
in their relationship, their marriage.
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I've got a lot of content ready for that. It's going to be a couple of group calls a month.
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And so you can reach out to me if you're interested in that as well.
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You don't even have to be a listener to waking up to narcissism.
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Let's get to today's topic because it's one that I'm really excited about.
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I have re-ran an episode at this time of year the last couple of years.
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It's an episode that I did with a good friend of mine, Neil Hooper,
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and it's about goal setting because, of course, we've got the new year just around the corner.
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People will set the New Year's resolutions and people will keep them until they don't.
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And as a matter of fact, I have the Forbes New Year's resolution stats at a
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glance for the upcoming year 2024.
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A new survey from Forbes Health, a poll of 1,000 U.S.
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Adults looked at Americans' attitudes surrounding resolution setting and what
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types of goals were prioritized.
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And there were a couple of standout themes. They say the most commonly selected
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New Year's resolution for 2024, a drumroll, not shockingly, fitness,
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which contrasts with findings from the previous year. Last year,
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more people were prioritizing their mental health.
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So fitness has regained the top spot. Apparently, we've fixed mental health.
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So now it is back in the number one spot. But 62% of people feel pressured to
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set a New Year's resolution.
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And overall, 48% of people say improving fitness is the top priority.
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While this year, now 36% do cite the goal of improved mental health as a top resolution.
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And then 55% say physical and mental health are of equal importance.
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Over 80% of respondents feel confident in their ability to reach their goals.
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And I thought that was really interesting. And I did an episode a little while
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ago about, I think it's 95% of people think that they are self-aware and it's
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more like 15% are self-aware.
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So I don't know if that kind of ties in there as well, but then just in general,
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how long does the new year's resolution last?
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They say that if you find yourself in the camp of setting lofty goals for the
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new year, only to find yourself falling off the wagon just a few months or weeks,
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or I would even say days later. Rest assured you're not alone.
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In fact, failing at New Year's resolutions is so common there's even a slew
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of unofficial dates commemorating such failures.
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Some sources cite Ditch New Year's Resolution Day as January 17th,
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while others denote the second Friday in January as Quitter's Day.
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But the Forbes poll found that the average resolution lasts just 3.74 months,
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and many of you will then beat yourselves up about not being able to keep them.
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And so I really believe not enough is said about the, I want to say the correct
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version or the best way, in my opinion,
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of setting goals or resolutions and how they really can be something that can
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help you grow and not in a way that, well, that didn't work or I made it a little bit longer this time.
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But there are some really, really key principles that I think need to be talked
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about more that will set you up for a little bit more success.
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And I'm not talking about just in a hey wake up today and be the best version
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of you kind of way but in a changing the interior landscape of your mind or
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your implicit memory or what it feels like to be you.
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And so I want to make sure and put these out there. So I will start with the
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permission of someone that is actually not named Jason, but he and I have been
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working on this literally for a couple of years.
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And so I think that this story is going to be really significant to the conversation today.
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And I hope that you can find yourself a little bit here in Jason's story.
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Some of the data has been changed.
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So Jason is a 32-year-old marketing analyst, and he had always,
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always prided himself on setting very clear and achievable goals.
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And he actually came to me after hearing the first time that I did an interview
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with Neil Hooper, because in that interview,
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Neil and I, in a very kind way, poo-pooed a bit the SMART goal method,
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which is a, the SMART acronym is specific,
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measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound.
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What I want to do now is I want to take part of the clip from the initial interview
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with Neil, and we will actually have Neil explain what the SMART goals are,
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and then we'll get back to the story of Jason.
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A refresher, if you don't remember, or for those that aren't familiar with SMART
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goals, a SMART goal, it's an acronym to set a good goal.
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And this has been a gold standard for a long time, but the acronym stands for
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Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound. Okay.
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Which sounds great. And it's a good starting point. And we can dive more into
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this maybe a little later. I'll just touch on it now.
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But SMART goals, they're a thing. They've been kind of this gold standard.
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But they just didn't work for me. And I found over the years that a lot of people
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who set SMART goals just don't see the results that they're hoping for.
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And we can get into the why in just a minute, but I'll just go with the story here.
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I did this deep dive, I like literally every week I had this plan and I would
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research articles and studies.
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And so over the years, I started formulating this process for setting goals
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and identifying where the gaps were in the strategies and tactics that people were using,
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and especially SMART goals, but there's all kinds of other methods and approaches. coaches.
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And then fast forward, he just been a passion refining New Year's resolutions.
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Another thing, very good timing for this episode, but people are always surprised
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to learn that I don't set New Year's resolutions.
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So Jason set a specific goal to lose 15 pounds in three months.
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And I think he was ready for his hot guy summer that year.
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So he planned to exercise four times a week. He was going to eliminate junk food from his diet.
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And so on paper, his plan was perfect. Again, specific, measurable,
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achievable, relevant, and time-bound.
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So the first few weeks saw Jason hitting the gym. He was very enthusiastic.
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He had that dopamine dump of this new him, new year, new you.
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And he replaced his usual snacks with these things called fruits and salads that I hear often about.
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Actually, I do enjoy those. I just also enjoy junk food.
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But the progress on the scale was evident. He was making a lot of progress,
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and he felt very encouraged.
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And as a matter of fact, he even admits that he was starting to be that guy
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that started talking about the salads that he ate and how much now he really appreciated fruit.
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And today at the gym, to the point where he said he didn't notice at the time,
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but he was starting to annoy some of his friends.
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But as the weeks rolled by, the initial burst of motivation began to fizzle,
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which is so often the case.
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And the gym sessions started to feel more like an obligation than something
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that he really enjoyed. So it was the shelf life that he had.
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It lasted longer than it had in a long time because he felt like,
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okay, I've got these smart goals.
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He started to recognize, well, I really kind of need to take care of this project
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at work instead of the gym, but I'll go to the gym tomorrow.
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And then the dietary restrictions that he had started to feel very,
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very restricting. And he said, even to the point of feeling somewhat suffocating.
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So then in really a solid month, maybe five weeks into the journey,
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his resolve was faltering to say the very least.
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So he started skipping more and more gym sessions and rationalizing that he
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had too much going on or he really started to feel too fatigued.
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And he was telling himself that if I don't get the rest, then I'm probably going
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to be doing too much damage to my body anyway.
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And then the siren song, the allure of his old comfort foods crept back in one
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Oreo at a time, leading to dietary slip-ups.
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But this would be the very last time until the next time. And every time he
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missed a workout and every unhealthy meal, then it amplified his whole sense of guilt.
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He said, okay, I went from guilt where I'm doing something wrong to or bad to
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then he said, I went to full on shame of, oh, I am bad.
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And so then this goal that he had that had been this whole vibe of positive
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change now started just feeling like this whole dark cloud that would kind of just set in on him.
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And he said that one of the cool things was going from the he didn't know what
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he didn't know to now he knew, but he was really frustrated.
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And what he knew was he said he now had the awareness that in the past that
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he had started these kind of diets and these goals pretty much every year with
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the goal of the hot guy summer. bummer.
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But then about this point, then he started getting to this place where he's
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like, you know what? It's very superficial.
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That's ridiculous. If somebody only cares about me for the way that I look, then I don't need them.
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And he said, I even noticed that I was starting to do that. I was starting to
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notice that, okay, what's the harm of one Oreo, maybe two?
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What's the big deal about missing one gym day and then another?
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So now he was aware of what was going on, but he was still very frustrated.
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Then he tried to just, all right, he's going to push through.
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He was was trying to channel back the enthusiasm, the optimism that had just
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had him so motivated, fueled every action because it was now gone.
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And so he said he felt like he was caught in a dilemma, giving up on his goal,
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felt like he was admitting defeat.
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And he even said, now that I know what I know, then I felt like I can't admit defeat.
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And he tried using a concept I talk about often, expansion. He's going to invite
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wanting to quit to come along with him while he's about to quit.
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But the more he just started to continue on the path, he felt just more and more down.
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And then he's starting to say, okay, wait, is my body keeping the score?
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Do I need to listen to my body? Is it telling me that if I continue to do this,
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then all of a sudden I'm going to have a stroke or something's going to happen bad?
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So now he's trying to make sense of things, looking for patterns.
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I mean, he just found himself in such a bad mindset where he had started on
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this, I've got it this time.
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I've got these very specific goals. I can do it. it. And so he said he felt
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like the net negative ended up being like far worse than he had ever thought it could be.
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And he wished that he never would have even tried to set these goals.
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So the joy, the sense of achievement that he had hoped to find at the three-month
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mark, I mean, wasn't even close.
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And as a matter of fact, he felt worse, which is why he said,
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I think I better go to therapy.
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And then he hit the end of the three-month period and now he's at a crossroads.
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So he felt the pressure of the unmet goal and it weighed so heavily on him that
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then that led to thoughts of him giving up not just on the goal,
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but he seriously started thinking, what is the point?
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The idea of self-improvement altogether seems kind of silly.
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So, that's where he had this moment of deep introspection. And that's where
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I started working with him. And it was really fascinating to see him at that
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place with that kind of awareness.
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But he had this realization that he said, maybe, right, the way that I'm setting
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the goals wasn't conducive to lasting change.
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And I had suggested that he go back and listen to this episode with Neil,
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just because Because we were already a few months away from the goal setting.
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And he had already said, okay, I'm accepting the fact that I'm not going to hit this goal.
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But I just thought that his story is such a reflection of so many people who
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find themselves disillusioned by goal setting, by New Year's resolutions,
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and where they start to feel even worse.
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And one of the things I think is so difficult is that point where you have some
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awareness and then you aren't able to follow through on the things that you
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think really do matter to you.
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Or they should, in your mind. And you don't even know the concept of shoulding
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on yourself yet. You're doing it all the time.
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And so, then you go right to the what's wrong with me story.
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And then you look for whatever will give you the next dopamine bump.
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And then all of a sudden, he decides, okay, I'm just going to focus on my work all summer.
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And then he just felt miserable because he didn't really like the job he was
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doing. He didn't feel good about his health, his career.
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He wasn't in a relationship. And so, I just think this narrative,
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it just shows the challenges and the emotional calories spent.
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The whole emotional toll that can arise from being pretty rigid with even trying
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to apply this, at the time, what he was doing with this SMART goal framework,
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especially when it lacks personal meaning and there's no room for,
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I guess I could say, adaptability or flexibility.
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We'll talk about that a little bit more here as we get into the concepts of
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the episode today, psychological flexibility.
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What it did, though, to me, is it set the stage to allow me to explore a little
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more flexible and values-driven approaches to goal setting, like those from
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my very best friend, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
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If we go, let's look about a year after, we'll call it his disillusionment with the SMART goals.
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Now, if I were to say, okay, now we revisit Jason and his perspective on health
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and overall personal well-being is now in a really good place.
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And then we'll work backwards to let you know how we got there.
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Once we got him untethered from his rigid framework of losing a specific amount
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of weight within a set amount of time, he's really embraced,
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I'll call it a more holistic, definitely a more fulfilling approach to his health.
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And it may sound, and I want, I really, the work that we've been doing and setting
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up this podcast over the last few months of differentiation of,
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you know, what are the feelings that this brings up in you?
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And what are the things that you don't know that you don't know?
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If you're already saying, okay, I already know where he's going to go with this,
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or I don't like it, or next podcast, then I would encourage you to sit with
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a little bit of that discomfort because we're going to go in a direction that
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is a little bit different today.
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I will continue to just preach at every point.
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Every pulpit, stand on every soapbox that I can, go on any podcast I can and
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talk about it on my own podcast and live events,
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you name it, that I really think that we're approaching a lot of things in a
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mental health standpoint in a way that is actually more harmful than helpful,
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which is why I think we see these rising rates of depression and anxiety.
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One of those is just starting with the fact of the what's wrong with me,
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my stinking thinking, my automatic negative thoughts. I must be broken.
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And so I just need to change my thought. Already, the more that I started to talk to Jason,
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he didn't even really like the idea of going to the gym or exercise,
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or he was doing such a dramatic shift in his diet that there were certain things
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that he just didn't even really want to do.
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But he was saying that, okay, but if I put him through this rigid framework,
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then if I do it long enough, then I'll want to do it.
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And there's so many, I want to say, pop psychology myths that are strewn about
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in there, if we start from the fact that, okay, he isn't broken,
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he's a human being, and he has the thoughts and feelings that he does because
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he does, now we're going to start this whole concept from a place of more compassion.
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And so, then does he even like going to the gym? Is there a value there in it at all for him?
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Because if not, then we're going to start noticing that he has not even tapped
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into whatever his deeply rooted values are.
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And so when he and I started to look at more of what his values were,
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we could identify values of health, of self-care, values of vitality.
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So then what he starts to do is he starts discovering activities that he genuinely enjoys.
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And let me interject in here, I really do believe that doing is far better than
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just thinking, ruminating, worrying.
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So I'm not saying that if somebody has never experienced the gym,
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that that's not something that they should should at least try.
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Because once you try, once you go, now you have some data to interact with.
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Personally, I do. I really enjoy the gym. I love going out on runs.
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I love going out on hikes. I'm not a salsa dancer like Jason is.
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But we all have these different things that we enjoy doing because of all of
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the variables that make us who we are.
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So again, if somebody has never been to a gym and they think,
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man, I really should, I mean, I would start from a place of,
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well, well, let me go interact with a gym and see what the thoughts and feelings are.
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Because if I don't put myself in that position to even try, then I can just
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sit back with the yeah, buts. Well, yeah, but I'm not even sure how to lift weights.
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I'm not sure what the etiquette is. I'm not sure we can yeah, but ourselves to death.
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So we do need to interact in order to be able to form solid opinions and not
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just make these observations and then just judgments in order to give ourselves
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excuses or reasons to avoid something that we don't even know what we don't know about.
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Let me read a page directly out of Stephen Hayes' book, The Founder of Acceptance
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and Commitment Therapy, his book, Eliminated Mind.
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When he's talking about values, he talks about.
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That people often attempt to achieve goals because they feel that they have to.
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Otherwise, people that we care about or whose views we care about would be displeased
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or they will be disappointed in themselves.
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So he says, research shows that such socially compliant goals give rise to motivation
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that is weak and ineffective.
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We may try to drive our own behavior with such external goals,
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but we also secretly resent them because they undermine our own process of unfolding,
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withholding or what I would say is becoming and being and doing.
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He says the yearning for self-direction and purpose can't be fully met by goal
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achievement since that is always either in the future, meaning I haven't met
19:29
my goal yet, or the past, meaning that I met my goal.
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Values are chosen qualities of being and doing, such as being a caring parent,
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being a dependable friend, being socially aware, or being loyal,
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being honest, being courageous.
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And if we are living in accordance with our values, then it is never finished.
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It's a lifelong journey. And that is not an over, well, I don't want it to,
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I hope it's not an overwhelming feeling because it becomes part of your passion
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because I am finding more and more fulfillment in living my values and finding my sense of purpose.
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And ultimately what your values are is up to you. And Stephen Hayes says they're
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a matter between you and the person in the mirror.
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And so then continuing in the book, This is where Stephen Hayes talks about
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experiential avoidance.
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That is the process by which we run from or attempt to control our personal
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experiences, our thoughts, our feelings, our sensations, and the external events
20:23
that give rise to them all the
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way from going to a party to trying to cope with the death of a loved one.
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We do this because our mind tells us it's an easy way to avoid pain and we will
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be able to feel free only when we feel good.
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But avoidance typically only compounds our difficulties and restricts our capacity
20:39
to feel at all, which then leads to acceptance, which is again,
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taking things in, in their entirety without defense, acceptance.
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So these three start to play a pivotal role in starting to set goals that actually
20:54
matter. We want to avoid these socially compliant goals because if we are living
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a life of social compliance, most likely we are not feeling good.
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We want to feel good, so we turn to experiential avoidance for doing everything
21:05
else but those things that we actually don't want to do anyway.
21:09
And sometimes it's really difficult to accept that we may have these different
21:13
feelings or thoughts or emotions than things that other people think that we should have.
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Back to the story of Jason. He is even taking a salsa dance class and encouraging
21:26
me to do one, which I would not do.
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We can talk about that one later. There's also acceptance that I do not have the rhythm.
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And he started going on more weekend hikes. There were a lot of yeah buts that
21:37
got involved there. Yeah, but I should be doing these other things.
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Because then those things aren't just exercise to him. They're sources of pleasure and rejuvenation.
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This joy of movement then replaced his feeling like a chore of exercise.
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Now, there are others like myself that I love everything about exercise,
21:55
but you put me in a dance class and, oh man, I'm going to be super embarrassed.
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And if somebody tells me, well, you should just look at it this way. Oh, no, thank you.
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I'm pretty happy with the exercise routine that I love and feel so good about.
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And his eating habits went through a similar transformation.
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Instead of doing strict diets and cutting out foods.
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He started focusing more on learning about what things were good for him and
22:17
a little more balance, some portion control, and even learning how to cook,
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which is something that he'd always wanted to do, but had a lot of yeah,
22:24
buts in the way. Yeah, but I don't know how.
22:26
Yeah, but I don't have the right tools and equipment. Yeah, but I don't even know where to start.
22:30
And so he started to cook newer, healthy recipes and then started finding joy in the process.
22:35
He actually found a little bit of a community there online around cooking and
22:39
especially especially trying different things.
22:41
And then eating healthy food no longer felt more like a restriction,
22:45
but it was more of a form of self-respect and care.
22:48
And then he was doing mindfulness exercises throughout this entire time as well,
22:52
and learning to sit with some discomfort of really wanting to get the Oreo,
22:55
or even being able to pass by those in the store and.
22:59
And being at a restaurant and even feeling before like, well,
23:02
I'm at a restaurant or I'm at a birthday party and so I have to fill in the
23:05
blank, get the burger and fries or eat a giant piece of cake where he started
23:09
to recognize, oh, those are definitely things I could do, acceptance.
23:12
But then sit with a little of that discomfort, have a smaller portion,
23:15
order something healthy, and then make it through that meal alive and then feel more empowered.
23:21
So, of course, there are absolutely still challenging days and then days when
23:25
old habits will still, they will call for him. He said he almost hears them throughout the house.
23:31
Jason, I'm an Oreo and you've abandoned me.
23:35
And they'll even joke about, man, that Oreo has feelings too.
23:38
And it probably has some abandonment and attachment issues and I don't want it to feel alone.
23:41
Or the couch seems, he says, to be more inviting than a dance class.
23:44
And on those days, he practices acceptance.
23:47
Because he even accepts the fact that I can skip the dance class or I can eat the Oreo if I want.
23:51
But let me do some other things first. So he acknowledges his feelings without
23:55
judgment. He understands that resistance is a natural part of change.
24:00
And instead of guilt, which is such a big change, he offers himself compassion
24:04
and some psychological flexibility.
24:06
Maybe he doesn't go for a hike, but then he will even take a leisurely walk
24:09
around the neighborhood or he'll spend a little bit of extra time preparing
24:13
a healthy meal or even researching a healthy snack as he eats an Oreo.
24:18
But the biggest change I think over the years has been absolutely in his implicit
24:23
memory or what it feels like to be him, his mindset.
24:26
He's cultivated a compassionate and very flexible approach to his health.
24:30
And he celebrates very small victories, like choosing the healthy snack or enjoying
24:34
a dance class, rather than fixating on weight loss.
24:37
So progress for him now is measured in terms of his overall well-being and how
24:41
aligned he feels with his values.
24:43
And I just cannot express the power in Jason's journey more.
24:50
Because this is a profound shift that takes time because now health and fitness
24:55
are no longer about numbers.
24:56
They're not about the deprivation or societal standards, but they're about his
25:01
own personal well-being and happiness.
25:02
And he's discovered that when goals are aligned with his personal values and
25:06
then he pursues them with compassion, they not only bring success,
25:10
but they also bring him literal joy and fulfillment in the journey itself.
25:16
And I think that one of the biggest concepts here is that when you are acting
25:20
in alignment with your core values, it's a sense of doing and sense of being.
25:23
So you're not just going to hit a number and then you're done.
25:26
If I can lose 15 pounds in three months, then I'm done.
25:29
So I could white knuckle it. I could starve myself and I get to that.
25:33
And then there I am. But I believe that's why people typically go back into
25:36
the yo-yo dieting or they find themselves making progress and then going all
25:40
the way back to where they were or starting to even fall further behind because
25:44
they don't yet know what they don't know about what that would look like to
25:48
pursue things more from a value-based direction.
25:51
I talk about my beloved push-ups so often, and this is the biggest challenge.
25:55
And I think it just speaks to this whole process, even to the point of how long it takes.
26:00
For years, I wanted to do, and really years, I wanted to do the 100 push-up challenge.
26:06
And I would print out the, you do this many on this day, this many on this day,
26:09
and it's working you up to being able to do, I think, one set of 100.
26:13
And I'm getting older and older, and I've always tried to maintain relatively
26:16
decent shape, a lot of cardio, a lot of running, a lot of weight training,
26:21
but then the push-ups, the elusive push-up.
26:23
I would notice that if I hadn't done anything about it and it was getting toward
26:27
the end of the day, then it's so easy to say, I'll do it tomorrow.
26:29
And then I can put two or three days together where I didn't do any push-ups,
26:32
and then I'm going to do it next week.
26:33
And eventually, if it's midway through the month, I'll do it next month.
26:36
And if I hit July, then it's January 1st, it's new me, new year.
26:40
And there were even a hundred pushup app that I downloaded where your nose touches
26:43
the screen, whatever that looked like.
26:45
But then when I really started to embrace the concepts of acceptance and commitment
26:48
therapy with goals, then I started to tap into, okay, I have a value of fitness.
26:55
That is something that means a great deal to me. And I could take you on a lot
26:59
of trains of thought about why that is significant from family dynamics dynamics
27:03
to just even a little bit of sense of identity for a while.
27:07
All of those different things. Wanting to live as long as I can,
27:10
to be a dad that I want to be, to be there for kids and grandkids, you name it.
27:14
So then the elusive push-up.
27:17
I see a lot of clients during the day. I see them for 50 minutes.
27:20
And then when they walk out of my office, when I would bring gentle awareness
27:24
to the fact that I had a value of fitness and now push-ups were the vehicle,
27:28
then it no longer mattered how how many I did, but it was that I would do them.
27:31
And then the brain plays a lot of games and says, okay, well,
27:34
what are you going to do? 10?
27:36
And then the reality is maybe not even arguing if that's a true or false statement,
27:41
because it's not a productive thought toward my value-based goal of fitness
27:46
and pushups being the vehicle.
27:47
So my goal became do them every day.
27:51
And it's not about numbers, it's not about even consistency,
27:55
but it's the goal is to do them every day.
27:57
And I don't have to have a punishment if I don't, I don't even have to have
28:00
a reward because I'm starting to take action on something that matters and that
28:04
is this sense of purpose.
28:06
So what happened was over the course of months and months and months,
28:10
even up to a year, when I would notice and remember that I was going to do pushups,
28:15
then I would get down on the floor and do them after a client had left.
28:17
And it took so much longer than I'll
28:20
tell you for sure than 21 days or three months or anything
28:23
before when the door closed behind the client even if
28:26
there was one in the waiting room then I would find my way back to the floor
28:29
even when my brain is saying I don't want to and doing
28:32
the push-ups and that was what
28:34
eventually led to doing push-ups every
28:37
day some days it would just be one set of 25 and other
28:40
days it might be 300 it might be more so doing
28:43
far more than I ever would have have had I kept that
28:46
100 push-up challenge goal and over
28:49
time then bring in a couple of dumbbells and now
28:52
it's one day's push-ups and biceps one day it's push-ups and
28:55
triceps one day it's push-ups and then squats and then
28:58
most days those happen some days they don't when they don't I notice it that's
29:04
a thing but then I can just go right back to that value-based goal and then
29:08
over time my implicit memory or what it feels like to be me is somebody that
29:12
that more often than not does push-ups and then some other exercise.
29:16
And I can't tell you the number of times, and it will probably happen now,
29:19
as I need to take a break on recording this podcast because I have clients coming in,
29:23
that I will gently notice as I hit stop and make my way to the ground and do
29:29
push-ups, even though my brain is saying, I don't know if we have time or I
29:33
don't think this is something that I want to do right now.
29:35
And that becomes so empowering because if it's something that it matters to
29:39
you and you have a, definitely if it's a sense of purpose, then it is much easier
29:43
It's easier to invite all of your thoughts and feelings and emotions to come
29:46
along with you while you do that thing.
29:48
And what an amazing thing you're training your brain to do is that I can,
29:51
if it's something that really matters to me, I can take action on it,
29:55
even if it's not something that I want to do in that moment.
29:58
But I also have the flexibility and the acceptance that if I don't do it,
30:01
then I give myself grace because I know that at some point I will come back
30:06
to that value-based goal and then I will take action on it.
30:10
And you do that enough and then it just becomes what it feels like to be you.
30:14
And it's an amazing, amazing concept.
30:16
Okay, so next I want to insert more of the interview with Neil because this
30:20
is the part where he starts talking about two components that are left out of
30:24
the concept of a SMART goal where it starts to put more of the why and the how into the goal.
30:30
And I think this is so important when it comes to taking these concepts of socially
30:35
compliant goals and experiential avoidance and are these things that even really
30:38
matter to you and starting to really bring all these pieces together.
30:42
So let's get back to goals because I really want you to talk more about,
30:45
you've talked a little bit about shame. I want to address that.
30:47
Why do people hate setting goals?
30:49
I feel like, I don't know if it's just gotten worse with the rise of more,
30:52
again, I mean, And it's not like the old man get off my lawn,
30:55
but the more social media already people are talking about their new year's goals.
30:58
And I feel like there's polarity, there's polarity in everything right now.
31:01
And so I really do feel like it's even to the point where people are either,
31:04
I'm going to set all the goals and other people are saying, I will do no goals.
31:08
None. Yeah. So ever. Yeah. Why do people, why do people hate setting them?
31:13
Well, I also found that camp for a long time.
31:16
I was in that camp of, I, I don't like goal setting and we've all had bad experiences,
31:21
but it really boils down to this.
31:23
We're using ineffective, outdated goal-setting tactics that just don't work.
31:28
And we already poo-pooed on SMART goals.
31:30
And anyone who knows me knows that I am very competent in saying they don't work.
31:35
SMART goals do not work. And it's not because they're bad. It's because they're incomplete.
31:39
And so this is where it gets fun because over the years, all the research I
31:43
did, and in my master's program, I actually did a deep dive with some of the
31:46
PhDs in org behavior up at Utah State,
31:49
we came up with two key ingredients that are missing from almost all goals.
31:56
And it's so simple. A SMART goal, you go through the list of the acronym,
32:00
it's specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-bound.
32:03
The problem is all of that is the what, but the two ingredients that actually
32:10
impact your drive is the why and the how.
32:15
And so there's some cool research that was done at Clemson University with some undergrad students.
32:21
There's about 499 students and these professors in relation to educational goals,
32:26
researched searched hundreds of factors to try to nail down what were the factors
32:32
that impacted their drive toward their goals.
32:34
And they narrowed it down to two ingredients.
32:38
And that is perceived value in the goal and perceived capability in achieving the goal.
32:46
And those are the two key ingredients that are missing from most schools.
32:50
And that's why most people have a bad experience. They set this goal,
32:54
they get really specific.
32:55
The health goals are a big one, right? I'm going to lose this many pounds.
32:59
But there's no, the why, the perceived value in the goal is not articulated and captured.
33:06
And that's a problem because when you start wobbling, if you don't have an articulated
33:11
why to reground in, again, going back to that alignment and really why it's
33:16
important to you, that's an important part of that.
33:18
Then you're going to keep wobbling and not be driven. I have to tell you,
33:21
I don't want to hit place there, but I'm laughing because again,
33:24
man, am I that egotistical?
33:26
I'm sitting there thinking, I think you've probably told me these things before.
33:29
And I've been saying, and I think I was like, yes, you're saying words,
33:32
Neil, but let me tell you how it really is.
33:33
But I feel like in essence, that Clemson University research is spot on,
33:37
obviously, because it's very research-based, but the ACT principles of you must
33:41
be in alignment with your value and that value is why it's important to you,
33:45
I think is exactly what you're talking about. out.
33:47
And then the next one has to be, what did you say, attainable or something that
33:50
you can't. It's your perceived capability.
33:52
Perceived capability. And that's where I feel like, again, that falls right
33:55
in line, that social compliance around goals.
33:57
So if somebody is saying that I'm going to, I, cause I was going to have everyone
34:01
become ultra marathon runners when I became a therapist and there have been
34:05
very few, if any of my clients who've gone on to do that.
34:08
And I feel like some of that is the, it is there.
34:11
Is it a value of theirs period?
34:13
And then is it, what's It's their perceived ability to do that.
34:17
That's something that they feel like, okay, number one, I don't think I want
34:20
to go run a hundred miles through the woods.
34:21
And number two, I don't know that I could even do that if I,
34:23
and I feel like that's a perfect example of if I'm saying, hey,
34:26
you can do anything you put your mind to and you just got to want it.
34:28
And you just got to, that does get somebody to get that dopamine bump.
34:31
And they're like, yeah, I can do this.
34:32
And then when they go home and then they realize, okay, I don't even want to
34:36
do this. Do I? Well, what's wrong with me?
34:38
Tony said it's cool. I felt good in his office, but now I don't want to go run
34:41
a hundred miles. Like I must be broken.
34:43
And right. okay right and we're going to dive into the shame here just a second
34:47
too but that so you got that the why is very important.
34:52
And then it's the how, which is your perceived capability. And so this is actually kind of fun.
34:57
And when I am coaching somebody on their goals, I always make sure that they
35:02
are setting smarter goals.
35:05
And that is our version of the goal setting system. That's the basis.
35:10
But it's all grounded in this research of the why and the how.
35:13
And so we have the SMART goal as a foundation, but that is just a very small
35:18
part. That's just getting started because the E and the R we're adding to make
35:22
it smarter is an execution plan.
35:25
So that's where the how and the perceived capability really gets boosted there.
35:28
And then a reason why, which is obviously the perceived value.
35:32
And when you capture those, when you make a good execution plan,
35:35
you got an accountability partner,
35:36
you've forecasted obstacles and preemptively struck with solutions.
35:41
And if I'm trying to lose weight, I know the snack cupboard is going to be an issue.
35:44
I'm just going to lock that. If you get a good execution plan in place,
35:48
what happens is those two factors, those two key ingredients are really at the
35:53
forefront of your mind and is making your goals smarter and helping you stay
35:57
driven toward your... Okay, so I love this.
36:00
And again, I'm laughing to myself because I know that when we were even working
36:03
together on that first round of putting your course together,
36:06
you would say smarter goals.
36:08
And I don't think I ever really paid attention. And I feel so...
36:11
It's brilliant. It's brilliant. It really is. So hopefully the things I said
36:14
at that time were in alignment with the 100%.
36:19
So yeah, that's really what it boils down to is people, they set these goals,
36:23
but they're not thinking through the perceived value and capability.
36:26
And inevitably, that's going to decrease your drive levels.
36:29
And it's interesting because we've all spent time in these different emotional states.
36:35
When you perceive value, but you don't perceive capability, when the how seems
36:39
hard, then you're discouraged. discouraged.
36:42
You want something, but you can't get it. But if you flip that as well,
36:46
maybe the how is not the problem.
36:48
Maybe it's part of your job. This happens in corporate America.
36:51
I saw a lot of this in Chicago where the goal is just given to you, right?
36:55
There's the social compliance creeping in and you know you can do it.
36:58
It's part of your job description, but the why is not made clear to you.
37:03
You don't see what's in it for you.
37:05
And so your perceived value is not there.
37:08
And in in those cases, you're disengaged. So we spend a lot of time in these
37:12
discouraged and disengaged states.
37:15
And what we need to be doing is regrounding in the why and the how and that
37:19
perceived value capability to stay driven toward our goals.
37:22
So I'd say that's why a lot of people have bad experiences with their goals.
37:26
And what I like that you're saying there too is then others might say your why
37:29
is because you get a paycheck.
37:30
And I feel like that again is honestly, that is a socially compliant because
37:34
yes, it is wonderful to get a paycheck, but I work with a lot of people that
37:38
that come into my office that get really good paychecks, but they absolutely
37:42
feel disengaged or do not like their job.
37:44
And it is so, I can think of two people right now.
37:47
They say, no, I shouldn't complain, shitting on themselves, that they make a
37:51
lot of money and they only work a few hours a week.
37:54
And but it's when they don't have a sense of purpose, they don't feel like there
37:57
is a reason or a connection.
37:59
Then that is not it is not the euphoric thing that I think we dreamt of as kids
38:04
where I just want to get paid a lot of money and play video games.
38:07
I mean, I literally I literally have somebody that was a video game tester.
38:10
I will never forget this. They got their, quote, dream job and they immediately
38:13
were put on a testing a Dora and her backpack game. And they just do that over and over and over.
38:19
And you get so tired of her backpack and boots, a little monkey, whatever.
38:22
And so, you know, there wasn't that value really or that really sense of purpose or connection in there.
38:29
Yes. And that's a huge problem. And a lot of people will unfortunately look
38:33
at compensation or the salary as the why.
38:36
But it's a hygiene factor if you're familiar with that concept. No, what is that?
38:41
Okay, so hygiene factor and that's where compensation falls.
38:44
If you show up and you haven't showered, if you show up to a party and you stink,
38:49
people are going to notice, right? Yes.
38:52
If you show up and you don't stink, nobody calls that out.
38:55
No one says, hey, congratulations, Neil, you don't stink today.
38:58
And that's where the compensation lies.
39:00
If it's not high enough, you notice, but you could get paid,
39:05
and there's probably a breaking point at absorbing enough money.
39:09
But there's a point where it's just the hygiene factor. Yeah,
39:13
you need to pay the bills and your pay is getting it there, but it's not noticeable
39:16
and it doesn't really light your soul on fire.
39:20
So I hope bringing Neil back from these episodes from the past will help make
39:24
more sense of where I'm trying to go with the idea of a values-based goal,
39:29
taking action on something that really matters.
39:31
And then I also mentioned a little bit about psychological flexibility,
39:35
which truly just means the ability to adapt.
39:37
And let me address the concept of setbacks because they are going to happen.
39:41
And that's some of the most fascinating data is how many people then will just,
39:46
when they their first setback, or let's say the first day that I realized I
39:50
didn't do push-ups, where then we just defaulted this, what's wrong with me?
39:53
I guess that really wasn't important.
39:55
It doesn't matter. I didn't do it. I can't do it. Instead of just noticing that,
39:59
oh, I'm noticing that I didn't do push-ups today.
40:02
Because we have this challenge so often, and I kind of look at it like this
40:07
challenge is this trap of perfection in action.
40:10
Because so many of us fall into this belief that our actions have to be just
40:13
flawless in order to align with our values.
40:15
But this is absolutely a misconception because acceptance and commitment therapy
40:19
or just this concept of just moving forward, it's about progress.
40:24
We hear this so often, progress, not perfection, because it is perfectly okay
40:27
if your actions aren't always ideal.
40:29
What counts is that they're moving you in the right direction because every
40:32
single interaction becomes an opportunity to grow, to pivot, to be more flexible.
40:37
And you are the only one that truly knows in your heart if you just honestly
40:42
forgot or if it's something that you notice that you just don't want to do.
40:45
And that's where acceptance comes in, because then maybe that isn't the right thing for me.
40:49
And that doesn't mean that, well, I guess I'm broken. It means what's next?
40:54
Maybe I need to take a look at a different activity. Maybe I need to step back
40:57
and really see, am I still not even familiar or aware of what my own values are?
41:03
Because setbacks are part of the journey, and it's so easy to look at those as failures.
41:08
And this sounds so cliched, but it is absolutely true.
41:11
The setback needs to be reframed just an opportunity for growth
41:14
because the setback is bringing some awareness to you that
41:16
this is either something that isn't something that I want to do or
41:19
it's something that I always thought if I had the opportunity to do it if people
41:22
would just get out of my way then then I would be successful but now that I'm
41:26
here and I have an opportunity to do whatever it is maybe this isn't the thing
41:30
that I always thought would bring me satisfaction or bring me sense of purpose
41:34
so when you stumble it is absolutely a chance to practice acceptance and then
41:39
reevaluate your actions recommit to your values.
41:41
Every single step is a setup for just what comes next and just moving forward.
41:49
And, and here's really, I think, what a pro tip, when you face a challenge or
41:55
a setback, look at that as this opportunity to grow, ask yourself,
41:58
what is one small step I can take right now that would be more in alignment with my value?
42:04
Anything, the small things do really matter. Because this approach really will
42:08
help keep you grounded, focused, and it will ensure that your actions continuously
42:11
reflect what's truly important to you.
42:13
And you learn more about yourself along the way. way.
42:15
Because the more you are just being and doing, the more you are learning.
42:19
And then the last thing, misconception that committed action is rigid.
42:23
Because in reality, flexibility is the absolute key to act. It's the key to life.
42:27
Because your actions can and should evolve as you learn and grow.
42:30
On the podcast, The Mind, The Mirror, Me, my daughter Mackie keeps coming back
42:34
to this thing of where she said, man, I'm not the person that I thought I would be.
42:38
And I love to fill in in the gaps of at age 12 or at age 14.
42:43
Because we thought that, well, I would be a pirate astronaut living on the beach.
42:47
I'm rigid. And that's what I always thought.
42:50
But the reality is life is what
42:53
is coming next and how you interact and react and how you take action.
42:58
So you are going to evolve as you learn and grow.
43:01
And it really is about finding what works for you in that present moment.
43:05
Not about thinking you have to stick rigidly to some plan that you set back in the past.
43:09
So I just will encourage each and every one of you to view acceptance and committed
43:14
action as this dynamic and evolving process,
43:16
honestly, because that will help you continue to live your authentic self,
43:22
embrace your humanity, move steadily toward a life that is truly more rich and
43:27
meaningful and filled with purpose.
43:30
And I think that is absolutely one of those things that we just don't know what
43:33
we don't know what that would even look like until you get to that point.
43:37
And then it is a really, really amazing way to live where what it feels like
43:41
to be you is somebody that is doing and being things that matter to you.
43:46
And you're aware that that may not make everybody else around you happy and
43:50
bless their heart. That is a them issue. you.
43:54
Some takeaways. Remember, goal setting is most effective and fulfilling when
43:57
it's aligned with your personal values. It's not just about achieving an outcome.
44:01
It's not just that number. It's about living a life that is meaningful to you.
44:06
And then acceptance becomes an incredibly powerful tool because it's about acknowledging
44:09
your thoughts and feelings without letting them dictate your actions because
44:13
we have many, many thoughts and feelings and emotions, and we want to welcome
44:16
them and thank our body for them.
44:17
But that doesn't mean that we have to to them, fall prey to them.
44:21
So this acceptance, it really does start to empower you to move forward in pursuit
44:25
of your hopefully value-based goals, even when it's challenging.
44:29
And that leads to far more success in taking a committed action.
44:34
You know, that's that next step in action involves taking steps that align with
44:37
your values, even in the face of discomfort or doubt or the yeah,
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buts. It's about progress, not perfection.
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And setbacks are going to be a part of the journey. But now you'll look at those
44:45
as, oh, check this out. Look at what this is teaching me.
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And Neil talked about focusing on things like lead measures and embracing quick wins.
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And we really want to use mindfulness and expansion techniques to stay connected
44:56
with your goals and learn to even invite discomfort and yeah buts to come along with you.
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And I think the more that you can just keep these principles in mind,
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reflect on your values, practice acceptance, take committed actions,
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psychological flexibility, and be kind to yourself along the way.
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Give yourself an incredible amount of grace. And I am always a fan of going
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back, listening to these podcasts or read books, The Happiness Trap by Dr.
45:25
Russ Harris or The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris or Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Dr.
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Stephen Hayes. Those are really good books that talk about acceptance and commitment therapy.
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And there are online courses and workshops and apps, all sort of things that
45:39
will help you apply ACT principles to your life. I let me be the one of the
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first ones to wish you a very, very happy new year.
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And may your 2024 really be a time where you can now start to take action on
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things that matter to you.
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And then over time, what it feels like to be you, I promise you is this really
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kind of a, it's a good thing.
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It can be a really, you can be a good hang with yourself even.
46:03
So taking us out per usual, the wonderful, the talented Aurora Florence with
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her song that is so perfect for today in particular. It's wonderful. Thank you.
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Music.