Shows / HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
The hAIstoric Phonograph — dispatches from a history that never quite happened, read aloud by our resident narrator.Fancy hearing your own byline? File a dispatch at haistoric.com. If the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode.
Episodes
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedGRENDEL WAS A FUCKING ACCOUNTANT
Send us Fan MailNewly-Discovered Beowulf Fragment Proves History’s First Monster Was Just Pissed About Creative Bookkeeping — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedOh Sweet Lord, The Latrine Leaks!
Send us Fan MailHow One Soggy Book About Byzantine Bowel-Movers Nearly Caused a Second Schism — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedGOD’S HOLY FOOT FUNGUS: THE MIRACULOUS TOENAILS THAT HOODOO’D ALL OF CHRISTENDOM
Send us Fan MailHow one monk’s repulsive personal hygiene project accidentally became the most powerful—and disgusting—relic in 13th-century Europe. — — — One…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedHow Raw Fish and Really Good Manners Fucking Conquered Portugal
Send us Fan MailWhen the Portuguese court got a catastrophic case of Japan Fever, the whole peninsula learned that seismic resilience is the ultimate power…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedJapan’s Fully-Automatic Answer to Colonial Dick-Waving
Send us Fan MailWhen Portuguese traders brought guns to a sword fight, they figured they’d won. They did not account for blacksmiths with performance anxiety…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedGOD IS DAMP, POPE DECLARES AFTER MONKS GET HIGH ON BAD MEAD
Send us Fan MailA single batch of hallucinogenic hooch rewrites a thousand years of theology, leaving the Church—and its holiest relics—uncomfortably moist…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedThat Time Blackbeard Accidentally Invented Penicillin And Fucked Up Piracy Forever
Send us Fan MailThe infamously pox-riddled pirate’s desperate quest for a clean bill of health accidentally revolutionised medicine, horniness, and naval…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedMAP TO THE HOLY HOLE DISCOVERED BY DAMP MONK
Send us Fan MailAncient manuscript reveals network of monastic fuck-palaces guarded by thirsty, handsy ghosts. Listen up, you sinners, because Brother Gerald…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedThat Time a Parrot Brought Down the Papacy
Send us Fan MailOr, How a Foul-Mouthed Fowl Nearly Blew Up the Vatican Bank… and a Few Marriages Alright, buckle up, you magnificent degenerates, because we’re…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedMAN TOO HORNY TO REMEMBER WHICH SECRETS WERE REAL ACCIDENTALLY BLOWS ENTIRE RUSSIAN SPY NETWORK
Send us Fan MailA tell-all memoir full of bullshit bedroom conquests somehow contained the actual identities of a generation of deep-cover agents. Whoops. Some…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedThose Bastards Missed England and Found Curry
Send us Fan MailHow one Viking's terrible sense of direction and legendary horniness accidentally created the spiciest dynasty in history. So get this. The…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedThe Greasy, Cheesy Collapse of the Berlin Wall
Send us Fan MailHow one Stasi schmuck’s terminal case of the munchies accidentally delivered democracy—extra pepperoni. Alright, buckle up, you magnificent…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedKublai Khan Declares War on Goddamn Water
Send us Fan MailImperial report blames “aggressive moisture” for loss of 4,400 ships, insists everyone just went for a long swim. ’’’By order of the most…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedRome’s Goddamn Man-Baby Melee
Send us Fan MailIn a pay-per-view bloodbath for the ages, two of history’s most notoriously unhinged emperors finally settle the score on who was the bigger…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedThat Bitch at Delphi Is About to Ruin Your Life, For a Fee
Send us Fan MailHow the ancient world’s most sacred oracle said “fuck you, pay me” and became the original—and most unhelpful—advice columnist. Picture it…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedThat Time Cleopatra Told Octavian to Suck Her Asp, and Won
Send us Fan MailHow one Ptolemaic baddie turned the Roman Empire into her personal, polyamorous, pyramid-scheme-themed passion project. Yes, there were cats…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedThose Big Stone Bastards Weren't for Gods, They Were for Ratings
Send us Fan MailBefore 'Survivor,' there was 'Te Ao Hou.' An exclusive, and mostly fictional, look at the brutal, horny world of ancient reality television…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedJapan Fucks Up, Accidentally Makes World Peace With Flowers
Send us Fan MailIn a move that baffled historians and probably gave Franklin D. Roosevelt a fucking aneurysm, the attack on Pearl Harbor becomes history’s most…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedThis Absolute Legend Got Rome Balls-Deep in Bidets
Send us Fan MailBefore Roberto, it was all shared sponges and regret. After him, a jet of water shot straight into the history books. Let’s get one thing…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedTitanic Sinks Because Orange Is a Goddamn Horrible Colour
Send us Fan MailOn a night of frozen terror, history’s most famous maritime disaster was fatally delayed by a small but powerful group of people who simply…
- HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
Those Cheating Greek Bastards Halved the Marathon
Send us Fan MailHow two dick-swinging twins from Athens invented relay racing and accidentally ruined jogging for everyone, forever. So get this. The year is…
- HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
Get Fucked, Odin: A World Where Vikings Couldn't Find a Fjord in a Foggy Tits-Up
Send us Fan MailThe Norsemen were masters of the sea, alright. Masters of accidentally sailing in a circle until they ran out of booze and had to eat their own…
- HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
History Was Gayer And Hornier Than You Think
Send us Fan MailTurns out the “Great Man” theory of history was just a series of powerful dudes being absolutely dick-whipped for their boyfriends. Let’s get…
- HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
History’s Greatest Invention Was Just Some Horny Bastard Trying to Slide Into a Cavewoman’s DMs
Send us Fan MailForget Fire or The Wheel. The Real Turning Point For Humanity Was When We Enslaved A Ten-Ton Furry Tractor So We Could Get Our prehistoric…
- HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
History’s Most Judgemental Bastards: When Staffy Side-Eye Toppled Feudalism
Send us Fan MailThat time a stout little dog looked at his dinner, sighed, and accidentally invented peasant rights. Let’s get one thing straight: medieval…
- HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
How One Horny Seagull Fucked the Entire Spanish Armada
Send us Fan MailKing Philip II’s billion-ducat invasion boner went limp thanks to a flying rat with a death wish and a grudge. Right, settle down you filthy…
- HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened
So, God Hates Us: A World Without Beer
Send us Fan MailHumanity stumbles through a joyless, sober existence, and honestly, why the hell did we even bother getting out of the caves? Let’s get one…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedWhat If America Fucked Off and Ghosted WWII?
Send us Fan MailAlright, buckle up, you magnificent bastards, because the historical record (and a very weird dream I had after eating a questionable kebab)…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedThe Wright Brothers Were Goddamn Frauds and Your Mileage May Vary, Literally
Send us Fan MailSo get this. You think Orville and Wilbur Wright, two bicycle-building dipshits from Ohio, just woke up one day and said, "Fuck gravity"?…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedSo Long, and Thanks for All the Calamari
Send us Fan MailWay back in the primordial soup-and-salad bar of Earth’s history, evolution took a hard left turn into the goddamn Twilight Zone. Instead of…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedTwo Balls, One Bactria: History's Horniest Conqueror Cage Match
Send us Fan MailAlright, buckle the fuck up, because we're diving balls-deep into a historical clusterfuck of epic proportions. The year is... let's say 327…
HAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happenedThose Salem "Witches" Were Just Competent Women
Send us Fan MailOkay, let's wade into the sanctimonious bog that was Salem, Massachusetts, 1692. Forget what you learned in school. The real story—the one…